How Cassandra Saved Hearth's Warming Eve
Near the end of the year, when there's snow on the ground, a very special holiday comes around.
To Hearth's Warming Eve, no one was a stranger, but little did they know, they were all in grave danger!
For in wintry weather, the dark spirits feed, off of anger and hatred, and envy and greed
"Oh bollocks" cursed Rarity, "somepony I'll strangle, if I can't get this darn string of lights all untangled."
Her attempts to do so had been utterly tragic, she couldn't even get the job done with her magic.
But Cassandra swooped in, and like the good friend she was, told Rarity "Take a deep breath and just pause,
it won't do you any good to be all upset, stay calm and we'll work through the problem, no sweat."
And in no time at all, they untangled the lights, and Rarity smiled a smile so bright.
"Oh Cassandra, without you I'd surely be sunk. What say we go out to the bar and get drunk?"
At that very moment they heard a loud yelp, somepony else was in great need of some help.
"I appreciate the offer, we'll do it someday, but I'm needed elsewhere, I'll be on my way."
****
High above Ponyville, deep in the clouds, Rainbow was flying and swearing quite loud
Cassandra came by when she heard all the clatter, and called out to Rainbow, "hey Dash, what's the matter?"
"I'm trying to break your stunt record you see, I need to do twelve loops consecutively,
If there's one thing above all else I detest, it's having to settle for being second best!"
Cassandra knew jealousy was the scourge of the nation, so she didn't hold back in her blunt castigation,
"Tell me Dash, do my kneecaps need some guarding? I don't want you to go and do like Tonya Harding.
You must look past your shortcomings, or you'll be consumed, and from this deep pit, you'll never be exhumed.
You have many great talents, it's true Rainbow Dash, like healing real quick when you get in a crash."
With apologies to Dr Seuss, some ponies say, that Rainbow's pride shrank by three sizes that day.
She said "thanks Cassandra, I was being a jerk. I apologize, I'll let you get back to your work.
*****
Sugarcube Corner was full of confections, made with love and great care, and baked to perfection
They'd have cookies, and pastries, and cakes big and small...were it not for Pinkie, who'd eaten them all
"I'm starting to think" said a stressed Mrs. Cake, "that letting you live here was quite a mistake.
You're like a bull in a china shop," she sighed, shoulders hunched, "at least bulls aren't known to eat china for lunch."
"But you have it all wrong" said Pinkie with gumption, "I was just making sure they were fit for consumption."
"Now hold it right there" said Cassandra, "For shame! That you'd take advantage of such a kind dame!
And much as I hate to belittle and preach, you're such an ungrateful, insufferable leech."
Said Pinkie, "thank you for showing me the light, I see that my behavior was not in the right.
I'll help with the baking, I'll clean up the store, I'll pay for the treats, and I'll do extra chores.
I was oh so selfish, and that was felonious, but Mrs. Cake, I promise to be more harmonious.
Yes, giving, not taking, is what I shall do. Cassandra, I'm lucky to have a friend like you"
*****
At Sweet Apple Acres, to the pony Bonbon, Applejack screamed, "get out! Get gone!"
"We've been over this, lady, why must you nag? I told you I didn't put those in my bag!"
"This ain't about apples, or lack thereof, ah'm kickin' you out because females you love!
Now go away before ah stomp you like a spider, ah don't sell to yer kind, not one drop o' cider!"
Cassandra confronted the seller of fruit, in hopes she could quickly resolve this dispute.
"Your intolerance hurts, and that is a fact, did you ever think how Bonbon would react?
What you said was intolerant, and real offensive, plus she was gonna buy something expensive."
"And being bisexual isn't a choice," said Bonbon, who'd suddenly changed up her voice.
"And Applejack, I have a secret for you" said Cassandra, "you see I'm bisexual too."
"Well shucks then, ah must be as mad as a hatter, ah preach love & tolerance, but don't do the latter."
Th' way ah run business has been such a joke, ah guess it's no wonder mah family's broke.
And though this whole thing's more confusin' than math, ah promise ah'll go down a tolerant path."
Said Cassandra, "I am glad to see you so humble..." but she was cut off by a very loud rumble.
She said to Bonbon, "go on home to your wife, I have a suggestion, it's run for your life!"
From the distance came dragons, a pale shade of indigo, terrifying creatures known only as windagos.
To AJ she said, "go and gather our friends, the world is in trouble and we must defend.
Powered by conflict, their reach has expanded. This is mostly your fault, if I'm being candid."
*****
The swarming blue dragons charged with their teeth bared, six ponies balked, but one wasn't scared.
Cassandra charged at them with one hoof extended, the other six helped, or at least they pretended.
She punched out their teeth and melted their ice, quipped "I thought you liked it when we don't play nice."
"Help!" said Fluttershy very confounded, "I'm too shy to fight, and they've got me surrounded."
Cassandra swooped in, all swift and courageous, and kicked them so hard, that they felt it for ages.
"Now Fluttershy, we must strike one final blow." "And how do we do that?" "Shy, I think you know.
I noticed you staring at my luscious hips. We'll defeat them with love, kiss me on the lips."
Twilight hovered a mistletoe over their face and Fluttershy felt her best friend's warm embrace.
Nervous, but glad that her wish was fulfilled, she kissed with her friend, and the dragons were killed.
They went back to Cassandra's for a party so jolly, and Applejack died after she ate some holly.
They all raised a glass and they said with a cheer, "Have a Merry Hearth's Warming, and a Happy New Year!"
