A Royal Guard and His Fillyby VilliersChapters1. Dingy and Lily2. House Belle3. Lunar Rave4. Whole lot of what1. Dingy and Lily“Dingy wake up” “Dingy” I could feel tiny hooves start to dig into my side interrupting me from the ever elusive thing I sought, sleep. “I’m awake Lily you could stop now.” To my side I heard little wings flutter as they took to the sky. Meanwhile I began to bustle awake and start to clear the gunk out of my eyes. “Shouldn’t you be getting ready for school Lily?” “Shouldn’t you be getting ready for your shift? You’re gonna be late at this rate.” “This is Equestria remember? Nothing ever happens here.” “The changeling invasion?” “The elements had that handled besides even if they failed there was still Princess Luna.” “....Where was Princess Luna during the invasion anyway?” “She was...she...I don’t actually know. Either way go get ready for school.” With a quick nod she buzzed off into her room. I was happy to see that Lily was getting better at flying. The teachers at her school were telling me that she was a bit behind flying wise compared to other pegasi filly but that she should catch up to them in no time. Her weak flying is partially my fault, I’m an earth pony so I can’t exactly teach her how to fly. Best I could do was teach her how to run fast and hit things hard, Royal Guard training for you right there. Oh how rude I haven’t introduced myself or my charge yet. I’m Dingy a Royal Guardspony for the palace. The pegasus filly with me is named Sky Lily. She’s 5 years old and has a cream colored coat with a wavy red mane. Her wings are cream colored too but the tips are tinted with a light red. Her mom had that neat trait too. I know what you’re probably thinking and the answer is no. She’s not my foal, she’s my friends. Lily’s parents passed away when she was pretty young and they asked me if I could take care of her in their place. Naturally I accepted they were my best friends after all but recently I’ve started to doubt myself. Am I really the best choice for her? I can’t teach her how to fly, I can’t drop her off at flight camp, I can’t even nap with her on a cloud. Eh thats enough of that I gotta get ready for work and drop Lily off at school. As for my appearance well I look like any other Earth Pony Royal Guard, white coat with a blue mane. I used to be a different shade but in order to join the Royal Guard I had to dye them. Maintaining it is a pain in the ass but you get used to it. I had heard that the Crystal Empire was a lot more lenient when it came to color regulations but thats probably because Shining Armor never liked that protocol. I heard somepony say before that it was because seeing everypony look like him freaked him out a little. Not everypony had his colors though, the Unicorn Guard were dyed dark colors and well thats pretty much it. I miss my colors...oh well though. I finished cleaning myself up and started to throw on my armor while Lily was making breakfast in the kitchen. Breakfast usually being daisy sandwiches. I gotta teach her how to cook one of these days or at least get her a cookbook or something. I threw my armor on, ate breakfast, brushed her mane and headed out. Pegasi at Lily’s age could fly to school but Lily being the weak flyer prefers to walk halfway and fly the rest. She’ll catch up to them one day I know she will. “So at school today they’re gonna measure the wingpower of all the pegasi students.” She was nervous I could see it, “Scared?” With a hoof to her chest and muzzle to the sky she answered me, “NOPE.” She always was good at hiding her emotions. Who knows maybe she’ll get a cutie mark in acting. She can’t hide them from me though, “You’ll do great Lily.” Her ears drooped and she started to fidget nervously while beating her wings slowly, “What if the other kids make fun of me for being a weak flyer?” I was already in full stoic guard mode but this filly always found a way to break through it. She always made me smile, “Then they’ll have to deal with the Royal Guard.” And there it was, her smile. She flew up and hugged me, “Thanks Dingy.” “Its what I do kid. Now off to school with you don’t wanna be late.” She let go and with a smile still plastered on her face flew off. I started making my way to my post still not worried about being late. *** “Any minute now Buckler any minute now” “He’s gonna be late this time watch” “He’s the fastest runner in the guard he could wake up 5 minutes late and still make it on time.” “That doesn’t make even make sense……” “Neither does Twilight Sparkle becoming a princess but that still happened.” “Bu…...well I guess...honestly shes wrecked Ponyville how many times now?” “I lost count oh and hey look I was right.” In the distance you could see a white shiny blur galloping at full speed towards the two guards. “NOT LATE!!” I stopped in front of them and started catching my breath “H hey...Buckler….he..y Shooting..star” “Dingy” “Dings” Buckler and Shooting Star, my two buddies in the guard. Bucklers a unicorn stallion with a round shield as a cutie mark and a short wavy mane. Shooting star is pegasus mare with 3 falling stars as a cutie mark and a trimmed straight mane that she keeps in a ponytail while on duty . Oh and as for me I keep my straight mane short, helmet kind of kills any manestyle you might do, oh and my cutie mark is two round bells tied together by string. I really like bells….and string. I shouldn’t have to describe the rest of their appearance because just like everypony else they’ve had to dye their coats too. I will say that Star has a nice flank though. I caught my breath before I attempted to speak again, “Whens the briefing?” Buckler was too caught up in some thought to answer me so Star being the kind mare she is answered me in a very polite and professional manner, “ How should I know you bucking idiot?” Yep a polite manner, “Buckler?” He snapped out of whatever thought he was in to answer me, “Oh in uh 20 minutes” “Lets get going then I actually wanna get some coffee this time.” With that said we all started making our way over in a fit manner that any guard would follow. Star with a wing to her nose mining for some gold, Buckler with a blank face and mind most likely on some other world and me with a goofy face remembering the lyrics to some song I heard on the record player the other day. Excellence at its finest. You’re probably wondering how we got stationed here at the castle huh? Well a few years ago when we were all still recruits in the Academy a manticore appeared in the castle gardens and unlike the rest of our class, who turned and ran like little fillies, the three of us stayed behind and fought. Sure we nearly died in the process but we managed to hold it off until Princess Celestia showed up and sent it back to the Everfree. Captain Shining Armor scolded us for our stupidity but also commended us for our bravery. To be fair we thought we could take him. Anyway as a way of saying thanks he assigned us to the castle guard upon our graduation. Recruits fresh out of the Academy never get assigned to the castle guard right off the bat. Instead they have to work somewhere else like the Gryphonian and Minotaurian borders and then apply to be transferred here after they’ve spent a few years there. So we got a really sweet deal and as for where the manticore came from that was Twilight Sparkles doing. Apparently she was concentrating on a teleportation spell when she suddenly freaked out, something about not following the checklist, and somehow teleported a manticore into the castle. Yea, shes a princess now…..A year after I got assigned here is when Lily’s parents died. So I’ve been here for 3 years. I was 19 when I got her. Oh how the time flies. “Dingy we’ve arrived” Ahh Buckler always the courteous unicorn, its gotta be that noble blood in him. We all took our seats somewhere in the middle and listened in to this mornings report. Nothing out of the ordinary really just our assignments for the day and that the day and night court would be postponed until Saturday. I pulled Library duty while Buckler got Garden duty. Star got kitchen duty which she hated with a passion because of that old “get back in the kitchen” joke that me and Buckler always made. A joke which we will use again today on break. Working in the castle is a pretty different experience compared to other posts but thats mostly because the Princesses are here. Princess Celestia and Luna only hold their courts once a week the rest of time is them doing paperwork or talking with their guards, mostly talking to their guards. They like to get to know their guards and have fun with them. I’d be lying if I said I haven’t had my share of fun with Luna pranking my guardmates or enjoyed a nice lunch with Celestia. It’s nice working here, your bosses and coworkers are cool, the hours are reasonable, and in times of crisis you get to kick some flank and look like a complete badass. It was a pretty slow day today, well aside from dodging Stars attacks for the get back in the kitchen jokes, Luna did stop by and glue somepony to a chair though so that happened. He was not a happy camper when I pulled him out, Celestia thought it was hilarious though even if she was irritated at Luna. I finished my shift up bid my buddies farewell and started to head towards Lily’s school. She’d probably be tired since she flew to school and did the wingpower test. Plus picking up a filly from school while decked out in Royal Guard armor is always a bonus for her. Gotta intimidate those snarky little assholes somehow. “H hey Dingy” “Hey Lily….how was school?” She kept her head down and wings tucked to her sides, “It was..nice we had zap apple jam for lunch and I got an A on my spelling test.” Something was bothering her, “Yea? That’s great we should celebrate how about we go to Donut Joes later and pick up a box?” “Y yea that sounds nice” “....How was your wingpower test?” “...bad..I only got a 1.2” “That doesn’t sound too bad for a filly.” She just shook her head while still refusing to make eye contact with me, “The average in the class was 2.9, somepony even managed to get a 4.3” That kid’s probably on steroids or something.....I should punch his Dad, “Lily...that doesn’t matter it just means that kid likes to fly. If it was a painting contest you would probably get a 10 and he would get like -7.” There it was, her smile. It still had hints of sadness in it but it was there. Lily always did like to talk about painting. It would always cheer her up. It even got her to raise her head and perk up those ears. “Can we go see Ms. Star for more flying lessons later?” “Yea for sure we just gotta wait a little while. You know Star needs to take her afterwork nap in order to pony to right.” She giggled at my dumb joke, “Yea! Can we go get donuts now I’m hungry!” With closed eyes I just nodded, “of course we’re gonna have to save them for later though since you gotta eat dinner first.” “awwww okay, UP!” Up, universal Lily cue for let me get on your back mule we are thoroughly tired….I gotta teach Luna how to talk right one of these days. “Alright sweetheart” I lowered my head and let her climb on up. I heard her giggle as she tickled her underside with my helmets mohawk. Once I felt her plop onto my back I raised my head and headed for Donut Joes, Lily telling me about her day the entire time. I may not be the best guardian for her but I’ll be damned if I’m not the one who loves her the most. Besides she always makes my days, and my friends, fun. “Thanks for making me feel better Dingy, the other kids were mean to me after they saw my wingpower.” She nuzzled my neck affectionately, “Its what I do Lily and as for those kids they’re gonna have to answer to the Royal Guard after this.” She just giggled,” Thanks Dingy that’ll s..how..thos..e..dork face..ssss…” Lily must of have been tired. She just fell asleep on my back. She had a long day though she deserves it. “..D..ingy” Dingy, I hate that name. 2. House BelleLily was definitely feeling better after I cheered her up. The next day at school she even tried to increase her wingpower average and managed to get it up to 1.7. It’s still pretty low for a pegasus filly her age but hey its something and besides she was happy with it so who cares. Hearing about her day definitely made me feel better especially since I had a pretty awful one. Turns out that after my shift ended Princess Celestia decided to push up the royal court date to Friday. In case you’re wondering there are two solar guard shifts during the day. I work from 8 am to 1pm and then new guards come in to take over the 1pm to 6pm shift. Anyway with the court date pushed up I had to work hallway duty which basically meant I patrolled one long hallway and guided any lost pony back to the court. I did that for 5 hours it was awful and the Aristocrats were annoying me, well except for Fancy Pants he’s cool. Worst of all though I saw my brothers. Unlike me they’re both unicorns, well everypony in my family is a unicorn I’m the only Earth Pony. Just like Buckler I come from a noble family but unlike him I don’t always see eye to eye with them. Anyway my brothers recognized me from my cutie mark and decided to chat me up while waiting in line and possibly skip ahead. I wanted to bash my head into a wall when I saw them trot over. I knew it was gonna be a long day. *** “Dingy! Dingy!!” I whipped my head around to see who was calling me and saw that it was the last two ponies I wanted to see, “Castor...Pollux.” My brothers. Twin Unicorns and the first sons of House Belle. They both had dark blue coats and black manes with a white streak going through it. The only difference between them is that Castor has magenta eyes and a bow and arrow cutie mark while Pollux has green eyes and a spear cutie mark. They’re both great hunters and have won a lot of timberwolf hunts together. The old stallion was proud of them when they won their first hunt up in VanHoover. I wasn't there for it but my sister, Flora, told me about it. Said it was pretty amazing. Castor was the first to greet me,“Dingy good afternoon” I was on duty so I had to keep up my stoic appearance up, “Castor, Pollux.” Pollux was just eyeing me over, all while having his usual arrogant look plastered on his face, “Not happy to see us Dingy? Honestly you could show some enthusiasm when greeting us. Its not everyday you get to meet the two sons of House Belle.” “House Belle has three sons.” “Notable sons.” It took everything I had to keep from swinging at Pollux, “Royal Guard isn’t good enough or something?” I could see Pollux about to mouth off a response but Castor cut him off, “I must agree with Dingy on this point brother. He is one of the first ponies in Equestrian history to be stationed at the castle after completing the Academy and for fighting off a manticore no less. He’s done quite well for a mud pony. Wouldn't you agree?” “Well I suppose he has done quite well. Even Father was proud of his achievement. I suppose your accomplishment could be labeled as something notable.” “Could be something notable? I held off a manticore and saved who knows how many ponies from it.” Without missing a beat Pollux gave me the response I expected, “Yes but you needed a thunderhead to assist you in doing so.” “There was a unicorn amongst them as well brother.” “Yes Castor I’m aware of that. That noble unicorns presence is perhaps the only reason I would even consider Dingy’s……...accomplishment a noteworthy event.” Castor and Pollux hadn't changed a bit. They were both still the same racist unicorns I had known growing up. Then again most of my family is racist. The apples didn't fall too far from the tree I guess. The only tolerant ones in my family are my sisters. Flora and Aqua. They’re both great ponies….I should visit them sometime…. “Noble patrons….if you do not require my assistance then I implore you to return to the line.” “Ahh yes now that you mention it I don’t suppose you could bump us ahead in line? We’re going to meet mother and father for lunch today and we do not want to be late.” “Pollux you know I can’t do that.” “Come now Dingy just bump us up a wee bit.” “Castor no.” “Di…” “GREETINGS MY FAIR SUBJECTS!” The sheer volume of Luna’s voice made Castor and Pollux reel back a bit. It didn't bother me in the slightest since I was used to it already. “Volume Princess.” I said as I was bowing to her. A blush slowly started to form on her face as she raised a hoof to her muzzle and coughed trying to forget about what just happened, “Ahh yes indoor voice. This concept is still...foreign to us.” With her blush gone she regained her regal posture and turned to face my idiot brothers who were still trying to regain their composure, “ We apologize for any….damage we may have done.” Both of them muttered something along the lines of “don’t worry about it.” Not like they could actually say something back to her, she is the co-ruler of Equestria after all. After a few more seconds they were able to get back into form. “It is truly an honor to meet you Princess Luna but me and my brother must……...head back to the line. We do not want to lose our spot.” With that they bowed and made their way back to line. I was still pretty pissed but seeing them gallop away had made me feel better. “We….I had hoped that in my absence bigotry such as that would have been abolished by now. I am saddened to see that it is still present and in our capital no less.” “You heard all that?” “I did. Did you not wonder as to why I randomly greeted my subjects instead of sleeping as I normally am?” “Uhh no I just assumed you were gonna prank a pony or something.” A small blush formed on Luna’s face as she tried her best to keep form, “Ah yes well….there are ponies here today. It would be...unbecoming of me to prank them while they wait for their turn.” “Suuuure. Anyway Princess is there any reason why Celestia decided to move up the court dates.” Her blush quickly fades away and is replaced by a grin, “What day is it tomorrow?” “Saturday?” “The Winter Solstice.” I knew I had forgotten something but I didn’t think I could forgot something as awesome as this, “The Lunar Rave!!!!” The second those words were uttered Luna scooped me up with her magic and brought me into a rather painful hug, “Yes!! The Lunar Rave!!” I suppose I should explain this as well. As we all know Princess Celestia has the Summer Sun Celebration in her honor. Luna has her own day as well, the Winter Nights Festival. The thing is after she was banished most ponies stopped celebrating it, with her not being there it seemed pointless. When she returned she wanted to celebrate it but she wanted to make a few changes. The Summer Sun Celebration is well known for being a family holiday; Luna wanted to make her special day one for….the mature crowd to enjoy. So she rounded up a few DJ’s, posted up flyers, and sectioned off a majority of the castle for what she dubbed “The Lunar Rave.” Unfortunately when the day finally came nopony showed up. They were all still scared of Nightmare Moon and thought that this event was nothing more than a trap. Luna was heartbroken, Celestia was disappointed, and the rest of us in the guard, Solar and Night, were pissed. She was a good pony with a kind heart so we decided buck everypony else we’ll party without them. So first we all went home to tie up any loose ends we might have, in my case I asked Star’s grandma if she could watch Lily for the night, we came back, sealed off all the entrances and then began partying our flanks off. When Luna and Celestia came to check what the noise was they were greeted with the entire guard partying in honor of the Princess of the Night, half of us already smashed in her honor too. Luna shed a tear upon seeing this while Celestia smiled as wide as the sky itself. Luna raised the moon in front all of us and gave a speech basically saying screw everypony else we’re partying the night away. Which is exactly what we did, let me also tell you that you haven’t lived until you've done body shots off a bucking Princess. Towards the end Luna gave another speech saying that one day she’ll share the Lunar Rave with everypony else but until then this a day only for the Royal Pony Sisters and their loyal guard. I have an awesome job don’t I? “L luna….st..strength….” I fell to the ground the moment I muttered those words out, “My apologies Dingy. Are you unharmed?” It took me a sec to get up but I was okay for the most part, “ Yeah, no worries Luna.” “Very well then. I suppose I shall go help sister with the court. Perhaps with my help we could end the day even sooner.” She trotted off soon after muttering to herself about helping as many ponies as possible. As for me I got back to patrolling and after a while my shift ended. I met up with Star and Buckler and we made our way over to Lily’s school to pick her up. Star had agreed to help out Lily with her flying again and Buckler wanted to hang out. He didn't really like going home mostly because there was nothing to do at his house. His teenage sisters were always out and about and his baby brother could be a pain in the ass at times so most of the time after work he just hung out with somepony. Somepony usually being me and Star. “Dingy!!!” I was unprepared for the creamy little flash that rammed into me, “H hey Lily.” School must of have been good. She had a huge smile on her face, “Guess what!!” “You knocked someponys teeth out?” Star. Real charmer that one. “Huh? No I increased my wing power to 1.7!! I got faster!” Star tackled my filly and started nuzzling her. She had a soft spot for Lily after she learned of her situation. Star lost her parents when she was a kid too and was raised by her grandma afterwards; her situation was almost identical to Lily’s. That’s probably why she helps me so much with her. I’m grateful that she helps me too especially when it comes to things like wing preening and….mare things. “Thats great Sky!!! You’ll be soaring through the sky in no time!!” While Star and Lily had their cuddle session me and Buckler did what we usually did when we picked her up. We intimidated the crap out of everypony. We did this by doing our usual stoic, unblinking guard routine. It kind of amazes me that ponies are still scared of us, especially when you take into account that Equestria’s best line of defense are 6 mares with magical necklaces. Anyway she hopped on my back and we made our way to Star’s grandmas place. Hammer Star was always a really nice mare. She used to be a member of the Royal Guard and was notorious with her skill with a war hammer. Seriously when she has her hammer with her she’s more terrifying than Nightmare Moon. She was also really protective of Lily too and was always pretty willing to scare the crap out of them school colts for me. It didn't take us long to get to her place and just like her granddaughter she was cuddling with filly and asking her about her day. Hammer was a pretty good looking mare despite her old age. Her shiny straight black mane that she chooses to leave hanging, her dark red well groomed coat. Her war hammer cutie mark resting on her old yet curvaceous flank. Expertly preened powerful wings that could lift a hammer high above her head. She was like a sexy fine wine, a fine wine that could destroy you with a mighty swing if you pissed her off. Star eventually broke up their cuddle session and began Lily’s flying lessons while Buckler and me were shooting shit with each other. Said shooting of shit only intensifying when Hammer joined in. The words that come from that mare’s mouth cut deep…. “M my pride….” “Buckler’s pride……” “You two are morons you know that?” “Bite me Hammer.” “Well if you insist.” “NO, no. Bad mare. Bad lusty old mare.” “Hmph your loss. Anyway a friend of mine at the castle told me you ran into your brothers today. How is the Unicorn supreme race these days?” “Broken…” “Cram it Buckler. They’re as arrogant as always.” “I take it that they pissed you off again. What they do this time?” “They basically said that I’ve done pretty good for a mudpony and that stopping the manticore during my academy days wasn't very noteworthy since I needed the help of a thunderhead.” I could see the look of disappointment on her face, “Does nothing please House Belle?” “Not really. You’re better off not trying.” “I suppose. How are things with everypony else?” “The same really. Trying to use me for my Royal Guard status as always. Flora and Aqua stopped by last week and spent some time with Lily and caught me up on a few things so that was nice.” “I see. How are you Dingy?” “Retarded as usual.” And here I thought Buckler was still sulking over getting burned by an old mare, “I’m fine.” “Are you really?” “You have been out of it as of late Dingy.” Dingy, that stupid name again, “Yea just you know worried about whether I can raise Lily or not.” Hammer would be better off in my place. She can actually teach her what it means to a pegasus. She can show her how beautiful the sky is. She can teach her to be free. I failed to notice the wing drape over me mid sulk, “You’re doing fine Dingy, Lily’s a good respectful filly who always has a smile on her face. If you don’t think you’re doing a good job then you must be blind.” “Blind and retarded, what a charming combo Dingy.” This moron. Always bringing a smile to my face, “Least I don’t get my feelings hurt by an old mare.” Buckler and Hammer just laughed my comment away, “ You’re doing a fine job Dingy.” “Yea I know. Just can’t help doubting myself sometimes you know? I’m just….a Dingy pony after all.” Hammers wing retracted and was replaced by a perplexed stare, “Castor…..Pollux...Flora and Aqua. Now that I think of it Dingy doesn't seem like a name that House Belle would give to one of its members.” It isn’t. Buckler knew this story, thats probably why the smile on his face vanished, “Nobility is a harsh mistress Hammer….” “Yea like Buckler said.” “Beg pardon?” “Its kind of a long story.” 3. Lunar Rave“Well? I’m listening.” “Yea yea just let me do something first.” I walked over to where Lily and Star were practicing to check up on them. I was happy to see that Star wasn’t being too hard on her this time. Star was teaching Lily how to approach turns better while working on her stamina at the same time. To put it simply, they were flying fast and doing sharp turns. “Star!! Lily!!!” I caught Star’s attention pretty quick but not Lily’s since she was pretty focused on the task at hoof. Star seemed to notice this too since she just plucked her out of the sky and brought her to me. “Ms. Star I wasn’t gonna spin out this time promise!!” Star ruffled her mane in response, “I know its just that Dings wanted to talk to us.” Lily was not pleased. I could tell because she puffed out her cheeks and gave me her best “how dare thou interrupt us peasant” face. Can you tell that I spend a lot of time with Luna? Anyway her little angry look ended up being more cute than scary. “D’awwwww somepony’s angry.” I scooped her up and started hugging her all while swinging her back and forth. As you can imagine she did not enjoy this. Not in the slightest “No NO!! Not in front of Ms. Star!!!” She was squirming in my grasp and Star was off to the side trying her best not to laugh at Lily’s situation. I eventually set her down when I saw that she was starting to headbutt and when I noticed that Star was pretty close to pissing herself. “Whadya want!?” Flustered Lily is best Lily. “I was gonna tell Star that after your lesson she should take you out to get some ice cream but now I’m not so sure.” She puffed her cheeks out even more and flared her wings out as far she could. The more threatening she try’s to look the cuter she gets. I couldn’t help but feign false fear. “I’m gonna tell Princess Twilight on you.” That fake fear was gone and real fear filled its place. This was not something I want happening. Whenever one of us gets in trouble with Twilight it ends up with her lecturing us. FOR FIVE HOURS. Don’t get me wrong she’s actually a pretty cool mare who can talk about really interesting stuff, like music and ancient myths, but spending five hours with her isn’t exactly safe. I’m not calling Twilight dangerous or anything, she’s a real sweetie actually, its just that for some reason a path of death, destruction, and awkwardness seems to follow her. Ponyville’s been destroyed enough times to prove it. “N no need to do that Lily. I was just joking.” The little filly couldn’t help but smirk while Star gave me that “you avoided death” look. “Lily back to training.” Lily nodded and took off into the sky followed by Star while I made my way back to Hammer and Buckler who just happened to be gloomy again. “What’s wrong with him?” “Stomped out his pride again.” “I don’t have a small horn…..” “......You know Hammer you’d make a great drill sergeant.” “Yea I know but I like being a gentle loving grandma instead.” “It’s an average sized horn….” “Gentle loving grandma? Didn’t know you could tell jokes too.” “Yea I’m hilarious. Did you know that I could also stomp out your mini sword if you don’t hurry up and start your story?” “If anything it’s just a few centimeters smaller….” “Shut up hornless I’m gonna tell my story.” “.......Dick….” Buckler’s really sensitive when it comes to his horn size in case you haven’t noticed. “Anyway I don’t like my name for a few reasons. The main ones being that it kinda marks me as the strange one in my family and that its a kind of sad name.” Hammer was confused by that last tidbit, “Dingy doesn’t sound like a very sad name. I thought it was just a variation of the word ding; you know since bells ding and all.” Hammer always was pretty good at thinking outside the box, “Clever but no. Dingy mean dirty, dull, sullied, tarnished….muddy.” Hammer was always pretty good at keeping her composure but you could make out the look of disgust in her eyes, “......Muddy? All because you were an Earth Pony?! You’re their son for Celestia’s sake! Doesn’t that mean anything to them?!” “Not to noble families.” The one with the little horn had once again collected himself and rejoined the conversation. “Noble families only care about prestige and image remember? Why do you think so many nobles only marry members of their own race? They want to maintain the pure blood aspect. That’s why you hardly ever see mixed families.” “So basically Dingy being born into House Belle threatened the pure blood image that they held?” “Yes, his parents knew that as well. So they gave him a name to reflect his….standing.” Hammers face was a flurry of emotions. Anger, disgust, sadness, pity and strangely confusion, “How exactly was Dingy born an Earth pony though? Isn’t House Belle a pure unicorn house?” This is where things get interesting, “ It’s not actually. My great great grandmother was actually an Earth Pony.” “I’ve never heard of this before.” “Not a lot of ponies have actually. House Belle has tried its best to erase that information.” “Let me guess, they didn’t want to ruin their pure blood image.” “Yes. The only reason I know of it is because my mother told me.” “That’s surprisingly nice of her.” “Yea I know, I think she did it out of pity but still it was nice to know that Grass Whistle hadn’t been completely erased from our family history.” My great great grandmothers name caught Bucklers attention, “Grass Whistle? Isn’t she the pony that helped start the labor unions in Canterlot a century and a half ago? I had no idea she was a member of House Belle.” “It’s a pretty well kept secret. Even now only a few noble families actually know of it.” “Amazing, so your family descended from of the most influential mares of old Canterlot? They’re really choosing to keep that a secret?” “You know how crazy pure blood families.” Hammer, who had been uncharacteristically quiet, finally piped up, “So your name is basically there anger and disappointment for you?.” “Pretty much.” “If you could change your name to something else what would it be?” “I don’t know actually…..” “I see, well one day you’ll know Dingy. I’m sure of it.” “.......Yeaaa anyway I need a favor Hammer.” “You know the drill.” Asking favors from Hammer always came with a price. If she was gonna do something for you, you needed to do something for her. She was always pretty lenient with me though since I had Lily. I usually ended up doing things like fixing stuff around the house, getting groceries or just having to spend the day with her and Star. I think she’s trying to set me and Star up or something. Buckler on the other hand usually had to pay her or do some crazy shit like fix her roof or something. “Alright what do you need?” “Come with me next Wednesday to Ponyville. I need to pick up some things from a shop down there.” “Oh uhh alright then.” “Good now what do you need?” “The Lunar Rave is tomorrow, do you mind watching Lily for the night?” “That time of year already? Try not to wake up pink again.” “One time, one bucking time that happens.” *** The next day had come and gone pretty quick, and after dropping off Lily with Hammer, me and Star were off to the Lunar Rave. “Buckler’s already there right?” “Yea he decided to sleep in the Barracks after our shift so he could be there right when it starts. Knowing him he’s probably trying to get at the batmares again.” “Honestly I don’t see what’s so great about those batmares, they’re all the same pasty color and have weird eyes.” “That’s cause you can’t appreciate Bat flank like me and Buckler can. Besides we’re all more or less the same color too you know.” “Yea I know…..I have a great flank too you know…” “You say something?” “No, lets just get there. I wanna make sure Buckler doesn’t go alicorn state drunk on us.” “Yeaa Bucklercorn is kinda crazy, awesome but crazy.” We arrived at the Castle shortly after and were greeted a wave of music and by the greatest Alicorn in all the land, Buckler. With his mighty slightly smaller horn and cardboard wings he rules over all drunks as a benevolent prince enticing them with promises of a world with free drinks and bat flank. Star upon seeing our majestic noble prince proceeded to get a drink to help her get, “as bucked up as magically possible.” That’s right they got magic shots here. Said magic shots being purely aesthetic but cool none the less. The Princesses always go all out when it comes to the Lunar Rave. Speaking of Princesses it’s interesting to note that Twilight and Cadence have tried getting in before but as I’ve said previously this party is only for the Royal Pony Sisters and their loyal guard. This fact however hasn’t stopped them from trying to get in, the fact the Shining can still get in though despite not being Captain of the Royal Guard has motivated Cadence even more these past few years. While Star was off getting smashed to celebrate the arrival of our newest Prince I decided to go chat up our old captain who was currently betting on what method Twilight and Cadence would use this year to try to get in. “Hey Shining!” “Hey Dingy been a while hasn’t it?!” “It has, hard to believe that a year has passed already huh?!” “Yea!! So whats the top bid this time!” “Fake Pizza Delivery!” “Thats it!? That’s lame! At least last year when they said para drop it was interesting!!” In case you can’t tell its really loud in here “Hey wheres Luna!! I wanna do a body shot of her!” “First Celestia and now Luna!? I can appreciate a man with a goal! I dunno where she is though! Here drink this!” He proceeded to levitate this strange blue glowing drink to me and I couldn’t help but think that this is gonna either gonna wreck me or make me “S-sure!” Well it can’t be all that bad right? Right? “Bottoms up!” The moment that warm liquid went down my throat it started to hit me. Everything was suddenly becoming a lot brighter and defined. Shining looked like he was glowing and when I looked over at Bucklercorn I couldn’t help but think that he looked majestic as fuck. “W-woah! What the hell is this!” Shining just grinned, “ Rum mixed with these magic crystals I found in the Crystal Kingdom! They pack a hell of a punch!” Oh shit they had actual magic shots this year. “O-oh shit!” Shining pulled me in close to his muzzle, “Buckle up there Dingy you’re about to go on one hell of a ride!” 4. Whole lot of whatThe Lunar Rave was something I’ll leave it at that *** “S-Shining what’s going on?” Our glorious former captain was somehow currently shining like a star which is most likely due to this magic shot he gave me. “Its called Crystal Fever and its all the rage back in the Crystal Empire. The magic powered crystals in it give it a mean bucking punch.” “Y-yea I noticed.” I don’t know how but he somehow made bat flank even more glorious than it was before. This man was my hero Shining was still….shining and went to go pass out more shots and left me to revel in my balls to the wall experience. While I was enjoying my said balls being to the wall I couldn’t help but notice somepony come up to me and it was the bestest mare ever, Star. “Dingy are you okay?” “Y-Yea, Shining gave me this magic shot and now everything is just….tits.” “Tits?” “The absolute tits.” “Yeaaa you probably shouldn’t have anymore of those shots.” It was at that moment that a plan formulated in my head. Screw her I’m getting more shots. I then bolted off in the direction of the holy liquor that our noble prince was handing out. “Dingy come back!!” That mare was chasing after me but I knew I could outrun her. “Dingy stop!” Star said to me as she pulled up beside me. Seriously flying is cheating. “NO I NEED MOAR” “NO YOU IDIOT I’M TRYING TO WARN YOU THA…” I never heard the rest of her sentence as I proceeded to crash into a box with all those styrofoam peanuts. It was like heaven and I couldn’t help but enjoy it. “You’re really playing with styrofoam peanuts Dingy?” Star said as she pulled me out of my boxy heaven. “Was, anyway now that my lust for shots has somehow passed where’s Buckler?” “Why did that seem like a poor transition that a writer would do if this was a story?” “What?” “Nothing anyway Buckler was dealing with Twilight and Cadence.” “They came already?” “They’re still here.” *** “B-but sir we have a pizza to deliver for the Princess and only she can sign for it letting you sign would be a violation of the rules.” “S-sc screw the rules I-I’m Bucklercorn.” The lavender delivery mare winced at the display that out lovely prince was putting on. “S-sir what my coworker here is trying to say is that its work protocol please don’t make our job any harder than it already is.” Ahh yes the more collected of the two, the pink one was always better at this then the lavender one. “I-I am Bucklercorn and I say screw that. W-we have sammiches.” “B-bu..” “BUT NOTHING BATFLANK IS AWAITING ME GOOD DAY MADAM.” Our glorious prince then slammed the door in their face and was met with a roar of approval from his beloved subjects, said subjects being me and Star and said roar being us telling him “good job mate” As you can imagine the rest of the night went exactly as it always did the music getting way too loud, Luna giving her speech, Celestia outdrinking everypony, Shining going home early to gloat at Cadence, the inevitable who has the best flank contest (spoilers its always Celestia), Buckler passing out before getting to the batmares, Star getting into a fight with a piece of furniture who was “feeling her up”, and me falling asleep in some weird place. This year well… *** “Ow my head, where am I?” I looked around and saw that I was in the barracks only these weren’t the solar guard barracks, they were the lunar guard barracks.” “Good morning.” Said a calm collected voice that anypony would recognize anywhere “S-sunshine?” I said as I slowly turned around and confirmed my suspicions. “Yes?” “Uhhh” In case you’re wondering the mare I’m currently looking at is Sunshine Smiles, the head Night Guard and a cool ass mare if you don’t piss her off. “Uhh isn’t a very nice thing to say to the mare you wake up next to.” “Right, hey did we? You know?” A sly smiled appeared on her muzzle, “Noo but we….came close to it.” She’s really cheesy when it comes to this kind of stuff. She thinks its sexy and she’s only half right. The other half of it is really cute since she makes these goofy faces when saying it to try to make it even more sexy. Its really adorable. “Cute as always.” “N-no not cute, sexy.” She always gets embarrassed when she fails at being sexy “Sooo did we?” “Oh, yea we did.” “Ooohhh, so uhh are you on the pill?” “Yea no worries.” “Oh sweet well I’ll be going then.” I got up and and started putting my armor on, honestly some people make waaay too big a deal about sex. Its not as dramatic as movies and stories make it out to be. “I’ll be stopping by your house sometime later.” “Wait why?” “I expect you to take responsibility and at least take me out on a date for what we did last night.” “So you wanna go on a date later today?” “No I just wanna hang out, I don’t know what to do with myself when I get a day off.” “Oh alright then thats fine, Lily is gonna be with us so it might get a little loud.” Smiles let out this cute giggle and started pawing at her hair trying to fix it, “anything’s fine with that cute little filly.” Like I said not a big deal. *** The walk to Hammers was rather uneventful. Buckler had reverted to being a regular unicorn, somehow without a hangover and heading home to tell his family about how Bucklercorn had vanquished those who had opposed his reign, Star was walking fine too but was a bit ashamed that she got into a fight with a couch and somehow lost and me well I was wondering what to do for the rest of the day. Oh yea one more thing I should mention is that the day after the Lunar Rave Princess Luna and Celestia give both the guard factions the day off to recover. In any other kingdom this would never happen but this is Equestria, nothing ever happens here; and when something does happen the elements or some random pony usually solve the problem. I really wonder why we have jobs sometimes. As we pulled up I noticed that Hammer was giving Lily a flying lesson so instead of interrupting we just let ourselves in and proceeded to raid Hammer’s fridge which was always well stocked. “Dingy you want me to make you anything?” Star had strangely asked while putting on a pink apron. Seriously she never offers to do anything at all. Ever. She’s also never worn anything pink. Ever. “Uh yea sure can you make me some eggs and hay bacon?” With a strange peppy enthusiastic “sure” she proceeded to get to work while I went to go check on Lily and Hammer who hopefully hadn’t told my filly anything stupid while I was gone. If I had to quote Hammers wisdom I would quote what she once told a teenage Star, “a mares flank is power don’t be afraid to abuse it. Like me for example, I haven’t paid for groceries since I was 16. Your grandpa didn’t even try to stop it he actually encouraged it mostly because he always thought that Canterlot grocery stores were ripoffs; which they were.” Great thing to tell your granddaughter right? Oh yea I never actually mentioned Stars grandpa did I? His name is Steel Skies and he’s the royal blacksmith who is currently out on a supply run for more metals, he should be back sometime soon but I’m glad he’s not here. Because just like his wife he has a tendency to say stupid shit too. To quote his wisdom, “Did you know fish fuck in water? There’s most likely fish cum in my glass of water.” It really explains why Star turned out the way she did Anyway enough of Steel and Hammers great parenting what I saw outside was Hammer helping Lily with reaching higher elevation. Once they saw me they both descended and Lily immediately proceeded to tackle me. “You’re not pink this year?” “Uhh no” It was at this moment that Hammer chimed in, “told you he wouldn’t be pink this time, something else stupid probably happened.” “I wouldn’t call it stupid more like awesome.” Hammer raised a brow at this, “such as?” I couldn’t say that I screwed the head night guard while Lily was around so I had to get her away somehow, “Hey Lily wanna go see if Star needs help cooking?” Those cute little ears shot up and she bolted inside, Hammer drew closer since she most likely figured out the direction of this conversation. “Dingy what did you do?” I couldn’t help but grin, “More like who.” “Dingy.” “Fine fine I screwed Sunshine Smiles.” Hammers expression immediately went from interested to worried. This probably wasn’t gonna turn out good. “Uhh Hammer is there something wrong?” “You, you did a batmare.” “Yea, so?” “Have you ever wondered where the term batshit insane comes from?” Yeea bad, “U-uh no?” “Well Dingy, bat ponies, especially those who have mated, have a tendency to be clingy to those whom they’ve been involved with” “Can’t be that bad right?” “Yeaaaa no, unless they see that you have somepony with whom you have a loving relationship with they won’t leave you alone until you pair up with them.” “What?” “It’s a really amazing thing, its actually why the bat ponies have a zero percent divorce rate.” “Not helping here.” She chuckled at my panic, “Not trying to.” “Gee thanks, now is there anything in your infinite wisdom that can help me get out of this that doesn’t involve me and my flank? Cause thats what got me here in the first place.” She put a hoof to her muzzle and assumed a thinkers position. She was most likely coming up with a great plan that reflects her years of service in the Roya… “Date my granddaughter.” “What?” “Date my granddaughter genius.” And almost like magic, “Dingy!! Breakfast is ready” “She’s even cooking for you already, come on.” “Uhh” “Come on she has a crush on you.” “Wait, what?!”
1. Dingy and Lily“Dingy wake up” “Dingy” I could feel tiny hooves start to dig into my side interrupting me from the ever elusive thing I sought, sleep. “I’m awake Lily you could stop now.” To my side I heard little wings flutter as they took to the sky. Meanwhile I began to bustle awake and start to clear the gunk out of my eyes. “Shouldn’t you be getting ready for school Lily?” “Shouldn’t you be getting ready for your shift? You’re gonna be late at this rate.” “This is Equestria remember? Nothing ever happens here.” “The changeling invasion?” “The elements had that handled besides even if they failed there was still Princess Luna.” “....Where was Princess Luna during the invasion anyway?” “She was...she...I don’t actually know. Either way go get ready for school.” With a quick nod she buzzed off into her room. I was happy to see that Lily was getting better at flying. The teachers at her school were telling me that she was a bit behind flying wise compared to other pegasi filly but that she should catch up to them in no time. Her weak flying is partially my fault, I’m an earth pony so I can’t exactly teach her how to fly. Best I could do was teach her how to run fast and hit things hard, Royal Guard training for you right there. Oh how rude I haven’t introduced myself or my charge yet. I’m Dingy a Royal Guardspony for the palace. The pegasus filly with me is named Sky Lily. She’s 5 years old and has a cream colored coat with a wavy red mane. Her wings are cream colored too but the tips are tinted with a light red. Her mom had that neat trait too. I know what you’re probably thinking and the answer is no. She’s not my foal, she’s my friends. Lily’s parents passed away when she was pretty young and they asked me if I could take care of her in their place. Naturally I accepted they were my best friends after all but recently I’ve started to doubt myself. Am I really the best choice for her? I can’t teach her how to fly, I can’t drop her off at flight camp, I can’t even nap with her on a cloud. Eh thats enough of that I gotta get ready for work and drop Lily off at school. As for my appearance well I look like any other Earth Pony Royal Guard, white coat with a blue mane. I used to be a different shade but in order to join the Royal Guard I had to dye them. Maintaining it is a pain in the ass but you get used to it. I had heard that the Crystal Empire was a lot more lenient when it came to color regulations but thats probably because Shining Armor never liked that protocol. I heard somepony say before that it was because seeing everypony look like him freaked him out a little. Not everypony had his colors though, the Unicorn Guard were dyed dark colors and well thats pretty much it. I miss my colors...oh well though. I finished cleaning myself up and started to throw on my armor while Lily was making breakfast in the kitchen. Breakfast usually being daisy sandwiches. I gotta teach her how to cook one of these days or at least get her a cookbook or something. I threw my armor on, ate breakfast, brushed her mane and headed out. Pegasi at Lily’s age could fly to school but Lily being the weak flyer prefers to walk halfway and fly the rest. She’ll catch up to them one day I know she will. “So at school today they’re gonna measure the wingpower of all the pegasi students.” She was nervous I could see it, “Scared?” With a hoof to her chest and muzzle to the sky she answered me, “NOPE.” She always was good at hiding her emotions. Who knows maybe she’ll get a cutie mark in acting. She can’t hide them from me though, “You’ll do great Lily.” Her ears drooped and she started to fidget nervously while beating her wings slowly, “What if the other kids make fun of me for being a weak flyer?” I was already in full stoic guard mode but this filly always found a way to break through it. She always made me smile, “Then they’ll have to deal with the Royal Guard.” And there it was, her smile. She flew up and hugged me, “Thanks Dingy.” “Its what I do kid. Now off to school with you don’t wanna be late.” She let go and with a smile still plastered on her face flew off. I started making my way to my post still not worried about being late. *** “Any minute now Buckler any minute now” “He’s gonna be late this time watch” “He’s the fastest runner in the guard he could wake up 5 minutes late and still make it on time.” “That doesn’t make even make sense……” “Neither does Twilight Sparkle becoming a princess but that still happened.” “Bu…...well I guess...honestly shes wrecked Ponyville how many times now?” “I lost count oh and hey look I was right.” In the distance you could see a white shiny blur galloping at full speed towards the two guards. “NOT LATE!!” I stopped in front of them and started catching my breath “H hey...Buckler….he..y Shooting..star” “Dingy” “Dings” Buckler and Shooting Star, my two buddies in the guard. Bucklers a unicorn stallion with a round shield as a cutie mark and a short wavy mane. Shooting star is pegasus mare with 3 falling stars as a cutie mark and a trimmed straight mane that she keeps in a ponytail while on duty . Oh and as for me I keep my straight mane short, helmet kind of kills any manestyle you might do, oh and my cutie mark is two round bells tied together by string. I really like bells….and string. I shouldn’t have to describe the rest of their appearance because just like everypony else they’ve had to dye their coats too. I will say that Star has a nice flank though. I caught my breath before I attempted to speak again, “Whens the briefing?” Buckler was too caught up in some thought to answer me so Star being the kind mare she is answered me in a very polite and professional manner, “ How should I know you bucking idiot?” Yep a polite manner, “Buckler?” He snapped out of whatever thought he was in to answer me, “Oh in uh 20 minutes” “Lets get going then I actually wanna get some coffee this time.” With that said we all started making our way over in a fit manner that any guard would follow. Star with a wing to her nose mining for some gold, Buckler with a blank face and mind most likely on some other world and me with a goofy face remembering the lyrics to some song I heard on the record player the other day. Excellence at its finest. You’re probably wondering how we got stationed here at the castle huh? Well a few years ago when we were all still recruits in the Academy a manticore appeared in the castle gardens and unlike the rest of our class, who turned and ran like little fillies, the three of us stayed behind and fought. Sure we nearly died in the process but we managed to hold it off until Princess Celestia showed up and sent it back to the Everfree. Captain Shining Armor scolded us for our stupidity but also commended us for our bravery. To be fair we thought we could take him. Anyway as a way of saying thanks he assigned us to the castle guard upon our graduation. Recruits fresh out of the Academy never get assigned to the castle guard right off the bat. Instead they have to work somewhere else like the Gryphonian and Minotaurian borders and then apply to be transferred here after they’ve spent a few years there. So we got a really sweet deal and as for where the manticore came from that was Twilight Sparkles doing. Apparently she was concentrating on a teleportation spell when she suddenly freaked out, something about not following the checklist, and somehow teleported a manticore into the castle. Yea, shes a princess now…..A year after I got assigned here is when Lily’s parents died. So I’ve been here for 3 years. I was 19 when I got her. Oh how the time flies. “Dingy we’ve arrived” Ahh Buckler always the courteous unicorn, its gotta be that noble blood in him. We all took our seats somewhere in the middle and listened in to this mornings report. Nothing out of the ordinary really just our assignments for the day and that the day and night court would be postponed until Saturday. I pulled Library duty while Buckler got Garden duty. Star got kitchen duty which she hated with a passion because of that old “get back in the kitchen” joke that me and Buckler always made. A joke which we will use again today on break. Working in the castle is a pretty different experience compared to other posts but thats mostly because the Princesses are here. Princess Celestia and Luna only hold their courts once a week the rest of time is them doing paperwork or talking with their guards, mostly talking to their guards. They like to get to know their guards and have fun with them. I’d be lying if I said I haven’t had my share of fun with Luna pranking my guardmates or enjoyed a nice lunch with Celestia. It’s nice working here, your bosses and coworkers are cool, the hours are reasonable, and in times of crisis you get to kick some flank and look like a complete badass. It was a pretty slow day today, well aside from dodging Stars attacks for the get back in the kitchen jokes, Luna did stop by and glue somepony to a chair though so that happened. He was not a happy camper when I pulled him out, Celestia thought it was hilarious though even if she was irritated at Luna. I finished my shift up bid my buddies farewell and started to head towards Lily’s school. She’d probably be tired since she flew to school and did the wingpower test. Plus picking up a filly from school while decked out in Royal Guard armor is always a bonus for her. Gotta intimidate those snarky little assholes somehow. “H hey Dingy” “Hey Lily….how was school?” She kept her head down and wings tucked to her sides, “It was..nice we had zap apple jam for lunch and I got an A on my spelling test.” Something was bothering her, “Yea? That’s great we should celebrate how about we go to Donut Joes later and pick up a box?” “Y yea that sounds nice” “....How was your wingpower test?” “...bad..I only got a 1.2” “That doesn’t sound too bad for a filly.” She just shook her head while still refusing to make eye contact with me, “The average in the class was 2.9, somepony even managed to get a 4.3” That kid’s probably on steroids or something.....I should punch his Dad, “Lily...that doesn’t matter it just means that kid likes to fly. If it was a painting contest you would probably get a 10 and he would get like -7.” There it was, her smile. It still had hints of sadness in it but it was there. Lily always did like to talk about painting. It would always cheer her up. It even got her to raise her head and perk up those ears. “Can we go see Ms. Star for more flying lessons later?” “Yea for sure we just gotta wait a little while. You know Star needs to take her afterwork nap in order to pony to right.” She giggled at my dumb joke, “Yea! Can we go get donuts now I’m hungry!” With closed eyes I just nodded, “of course we’re gonna have to save them for later though since you gotta eat dinner first.” “awwww okay, UP!” Up, universal Lily cue for let me get on your back mule we are thoroughly tired….I gotta teach Luna how to talk right one of these days. “Alright sweetheart” I lowered my head and let her climb on up. I heard her giggle as she tickled her underside with my helmets mohawk. Once I felt her plop onto my back I raised my head and headed for Donut Joes, Lily telling me about her day the entire time. I may not be the best guardian for her but I’ll be damned if I’m not the one who loves her the most. Besides she always makes my days, and my friends, fun. “Thanks for making me feel better Dingy, the other kids were mean to me after they saw my wingpower.” She nuzzled my neck affectionately, “Its what I do Lily and as for those kids they’re gonna have to answer to the Royal Guard after this.” She just giggled,” Thanks Dingy that’ll s..how..thos..e..dork face..ssss…” Lily must of have been tired. She just fell asleep on my back. She had a long day though she deserves it. “..D..ingy” Dingy, I hate that name.
2. House BelleLily was definitely feeling better after I cheered her up. The next day at school she even tried to increase her wingpower average and managed to get it up to 1.7. It’s still pretty low for a pegasus filly her age but hey its something and besides she was happy with it so who cares. Hearing about her day definitely made me feel better especially since I had a pretty awful one. Turns out that after my shift ended Princess Celestia decided to push up the royal court date to Friday. In case you’re wondering there are two solar guard shifts during the day. I work from 8 am to 1pm and then new guards come in to take over the 1pm to 6pm shift. Anyway with the court date pushed up I had to work hallway duty which basically meant I patrolled one long hallway and guided any lost pony back to the court. I did that for 5 hours it was awful and the Aristocrats were annoying me, well except for Fancy Pants he’s cool. Worst of all though I saw my brothers. Unlike me they’re both unicorns, well everypony in my family is a unicorn I’m the only Earth Pony. Just like Buckler I come from a noble family but unlike him I don’t always see eye to eye with them. Anyway my brothers recognized me from my cutie mark and decided to chat me up while waiting in line and possibly skip ahead. I wanted to bash my head into a wall when I saw them trot over. I knew it was gonna be a long day. *** “Dingy! Dingy!!” I whipped my head around to see who was calling me and saw that it was the last two ponies I wanted to see, “Castor...Pollux.” My brothers. Twin Unicorns and the first sons of House Belle. They both had dark blue coats and black manes with a white streak going through it. The only difference between them is that Castor has magenta eyes and a bow and arrow cutie mark while Pollux has green eyes and a spear cutie mark. They’re both great hunters and have won a lot of timberwolf hunts together. The old stallion was proud of them when they won their first hunt up in VanHoover. I wasn't there for it but my sister, Flora, told me about it. Said it was pretty amazing. Castor was the first to greet me,“Dingy good afternoon” I was on duty so I had to keep up my stoic appearance up, “Castor, Pollux.” Pollux was just eyeing me over, all while having his usual arrogant look plastered on his face, “Not happy to see us Dingy? Honestly you could show some enthusiasm when greeting us. Its not everyday you get to meet the two sons of House Belle.” “House Belle has three sons.” “Notable sons.” It took everything I had to keep from swinging at Pollux, “Royal Guard isn’t good enough or something?” I could see Pollux about to mouth off a response but Castor cut him off, “I must agree with Dingy on this point brother. He is one of the first ponies in Equestrian history to be stationed at the castle after completing the Academy and for fighting off a manticore no less. He’s done quite well for a mud pony. Wouldn't you agree?” “Well I suppose he has done quite well. Even Father was proud of his achievement. I suppose your accomplishment could be labeled as something notable.” “Could be something notable? I held off a manticore and saved who knows how many ponies from it.” Without missing a beat Pollux gave me the response I expected, “Yes but you needed a thunderhead to assist you in doing so.” “There was a unicorn amongst them as well brother.” “Yes Castor I’m aware of that. That noble unicorns presence is perhaps the only reason I would even consider Dingy’s……...accomplishment a noteworthy event.” Castor and Pollux hadn't changed a bit. They were both still the same racist unicorns I had known growing up. Then again most of my family is racist. The apples didn't fall too far from the tree I guess. The only tolerant ones in my family are my sisters. Flora and Aqua. They’re both great ponies….I should visit them sometime…. “Noble patrons….if you do not require my assistance then I implore you to return to the line.” “Ahh yes now that you mention it I don’t suppose you could bump us ahead in line? We’re going to meet mother and father for lunch today and we do not want to be late.” “Pollux you know I can’t do that.” “Come now Dingy just bump us up a wee bit.” “Castor no.” “Di…” “GREETINGS MY FAIR SUBJECTS!” The sheer volume of Luna’s voice made Castor and Pollux reel back a bit. It didn't bother me in the slightest since I was used to it already. “Volume Princess.” I said as I was bowing to her. A blush slowly started to form on her face as she raised a hoof to her muzzle and coughed trying to forget about what just happened, “Ahh yes indoor voice. This concept is still...foreign to us.” With her blush gone she regained her regal posture and turned to face my idiot brothers who were still trying to regain their composure, “ We apologize for any….damage we may have done.” Both of them muttered something along the lines of “don’t worry about it.” Not like they could actually say something back to her, she is the co-ruler of Equestria after all. After a few more seconds they were able to get back into form. “It is truly an honor to meet you Princess Luna but me and my brother must……...head back to the line. We do not want to lose our spot.” With that they bowed and made their way back to line. I was still pretty pissed but seeing them gallop away had made me feel better. “We….I had hoped that in my absence bigotry such as that would have been abolished by now. I am saddened to see that it is still present and in our capital no less.” “You heard all that?” “I did. Did you not wonder as to why I randomly greeted my subjects instead of sleeping as I normally am?” “Uhh no I just assumed you were gonna prank a pony or something.” A small blush formed on Luna’s face as she tried her best to keep form, “Ah yes well….there are ponies here today. It would be...unbecoming of me to prank them while they wait for their turn.” “Suuuure. Anyway Princess is there any reason why Celestia decided to move up the court dates.” Her blush quickly fades away and is replaced by a grin, “What day is it tomorrow?” “Saturday?” “The Winter Solstice.” I knew I had forgotten something but I didn’t think I could forgot something as awesome as this, “The Lunar Rave!!!!” The second those words were uttered Luna scooped me up with her magic and brought me into a rather painful hug, “Yes!! The Lunar Rave!!” I suppose I should explain this as well. As we all know Princess Celestia has the Summer Sun Celebration in her honor. Luna has her own day as well, the Winter Nights Festival. The thing is after she was banished most ponies stopped celebrating it, with her not being there it seemed pointless. When she returned she wanted to celebrate it but she wanted to make a few changes. The Summer Sun Celebration is well known for being a family holiday; Luna wanted to make her special day one for….the mature crowd to enjoy. So she rounded up a few DJ’s, posted up flyers, and sectioned off a majority of the castle for what she dubbed “The Lunar Rave.” Unfortunately when the day finally came nopony showed up. They were all still scared of Nightmare Moon and thought that this event was nothing more than a trap. Luna was heartbroken, Celestia was disappointed, and the rest of us in the guard, Solar and Night, were pissed. She was a good pony with a kind heart so we decided buck everypony else we’ll party without them. So first we all went home to tie up any loose ends we might have, in my case I asked Star’s grandma if she could watch Lily for the night, we came back, sealed off all the entrances and then began partying our flanks off. When Luna and Celestia came to check what the noise was they were greeted with the entire guard partying in honor of the Princess of the Night, half of us already smashed in her honor too. Luna shed a tear upon seeing this while Celestia smiled as wide as the sky itself. Luna raised the moon in front all of us and gave a speech basically saying screw everypony else we’re partying the night away. Which is exactly what we did, let me also tell you that you haven’t lived until you've done body shots off a bucking Princess. Towards the end Luna gave another speech saying that one day she’ll share the Lunar Rave with everypony else but until then this a day only for the Royal Pony Sisters and their loyal guard. I have an awesome job don’t I? “L luna….st..strength….” I fell to the ground the moment I muttered those words out, “My apologies Dingy. Are you unharmed?” It took me a sec to get up but I was okay for the most part, “ Yeah, no worries Luna.” “Very well then. I suppose I shall go help sister with the court. Perhaps with my help we could end the day even sooner.” She trotted off soon after muttering to herself about helping as many ponies as possible. As for me I got back to patrolling and after a while my shift ended. I met up with Star and Buckler and we made our way over to Lily’s school to pick her up. Star had agreed to help out Lily with her flying again and Buckler wanted to hang out. He didn't really like going home mostly because there was nothing to do at his house. His teenage sisters were always out and about and his baby brother could be a pain in the ass at times so most of the time after work he just hung out with somepony. Somepony usually being me and Star. “Dingy!!!” I was unprepared for the creamy little flash that rammed into me, “H hey Lily.” School must of have been good. She had a huge smile on her face, “Guess what!!” “You knocked someponys teeth out?” Star. Real charmer that one. “Huh? No I increased my wing power to 1.7!! I got faster!” Star tackled my filly and started nuzzling her. She had a soft spot for Lily after she learned of her situation. Star lost her parents when she was a kid too and was raised by her grandma afterwards; her situation was almost identical to Lily’s. That’s probably why she helps me so much with her. I’m grateful that she helps me too especially when it comes to things like wing preening and….mare things. “Thats great Sky!!! You’ll be soaring through the sky in no time!!” While Star and Lily had their cuddle session me and Buckler did what we usually did when we picked her up. We intimidated the crap out of everypony. We did this by doing our usual stoic, unblinking guard routine. It kind of amazes me that ponies are still scared of us, especially when you take into account that Equestria’s best line of defense are 6 mares with magical necklaces. Anyway she hopped on my back and we made our way to Star’s grandmas place. Hammer Star was always a really nice mare. She used to be a member of the Royal Guard and was notorious with her skill with a war hammer. Seriously when she has her hammer with her she’s more terrifying than Nightmare Moon. She was also really protective of Lily too and was always pretty willing to scare the crap out of them school colts for me. It didn't take us long to get to her place and just like her granddaughter she was cuddling with filly and asking her about her day. Hammer was a pretty good looking mare despite her old age. Her shiny straight black mane that she chooses to leave hanging, her dark red well groomed coat. Her war hammer cutie mark resting on her old yet curvaceous flank. Expertly preened powerful wings that could lift a hammer high above her head. She was like a sexy fine wine, a fine wine that could destroy you with a mighty swing if you pissed her off. Star eventually broke up their cuddle session and began Lily’s flying lessons while Buckler and me were shooting shit with each other. Said shooting of shit only intensifying when Hammer joined in. The words that come from that mare’s mouth cut deep…. “M my pride….” “Buckler’s pride……” “You two are morons you know that?” “Bite me Hammer.” “Well if you insist.” “NO, no. Bad mare. Bad lusty old mare.” “Hmph your loss. Anyway a friend of mine at the castle told me you ran into your brothers today. How is the Unicorn supreme race these days?” “Broken…” “Cram it Buckler. They’re as arrogant as always.” “I take it that they pissed you off again. What they do this time?” “They basically said that I’ve done pretty good for a mudpony and that stopping the manticore during my academy days wasn't very noteworthy since I needed the help of a thunderhead.” I could see the look of disappointment on her face, “Does nothing please House Belle?” “Not really. You’re better off not trying.” “I suppose. How are things with everypony else?” “The same really. Trying to use me for my Royal Guard status as always. Flora and Aqua stopped by last week and spent some time with Lily and caught me up on a few things so that was nice.” “I see. How are you Dingy?” “Retarded as usual.” And here I thought Buckler was still sulking over getting burned by an old mare, “I’m fine.” “Are you really?” “You have been out of it as of late Dingy.” Dingy, that stupid name again, “Yea just you know worried about whether I can raise Lily or not.” Hammer would be better off in my place. She can actually teach her what it means to a pegasus. She can show her how beautiful the sky is. She can teach her to be free. I failed to notice the wing drape over me mid sulk, “You’re doing fine Dingy, Lily’s a good respectful filly who always has a smile on her face. If you don’t think you’re doing a good job then you must be blind.” “Blind and retarded, what a charming combo Dingy.” This moron. Always bringing a smile to my face, “Least I don’t get my feelings hurt by an old mare.” Buckler and Hammer just laughed my comment away, “ You’re doing a fine job Dingy.” “Yea I know. Just can’t help doubting myself sometimes you know? I’m just….a Dingy pony after all.” Hammers wing retracted and was replaced by a perplexed stare, “Castor…..Pollux...Flora and Aqua. Now that I think of it Dingy doesn't seem like a name that House Belle would give to one of its members.” It isn’t. Buckler knew this story, thats probably why the smile on his face vanished, “Nobility is a harsh mistress Hammer….” “Yea like Buckler said.” “Beg pardon?” “Its kind of a long story.”
3. Lunar Rave“Well? I’m listening.” “Yea yea just let me do something first.” I walked over to where Lily and Star were practicing to check up on them. I was happy to see that Star wasn’t being too hard on her this time. Star was teaching Lily how to approach turns better while working on her stamina at the same time. To put it simply, they were flying fast and doing sharp turns. “Star!! Lily!!!” I caught Star’s attention pretty quick but not Lily’s since she was pretty focused on the task at hoof. Star seemed to notice this too since she just plucked her out of the sky and brought her to me. “Ms. Star I wasn’t gonna spin out this time promise!!” Star ruffled her mane in response, “I know its just that Dings wanted to talk to us.” Lily was not pleased. I could tell because she puffed out her cheeks and gave me her best “how dare thou interrupt us peasant” face. Can you tell that I spend a lot of time with Luna? Anyway her little angry look ended up being more cute than scary. “D’awwwww somepony’s angry.” I scooped her up and started hugging her all while swinging her back and forth. As you can imagine she did not enjoy this. Not in the slightest “No NO!! Not in front of Ms. Star!!!” She was squirming in my grasp and Star was off to the side trying her best not to laugh at Lily’s situation. I eventually set her down when I saw that she was starting to headbutt and when I noticed that Star was pretty close to pissing herself. “Whadya want!?” Flustered Lily is best Lily. “I was gonna tell Star that after your lesson she should take you out to get some ice cream but now I’m not so sure.” She puffed her cheeks out even more and flared her wings out as far she could. The more threatening she try’s to look the cuter she gets. I couldn’t help but feign false fear. “I’m gonna tell Princess Twilight on you.” That fake fear was gone and real fear filled its place. This was not something I want happening. Whenever one of us gets in trouble with Twilight it ends up with her lecturing us. FOR FIVE HOURS. Don’t get me wrong she’s actually a pretty cool mare who can talk about really interesting stuff, like music and ancient myths, but spending five hours with her isn’t exactly safe. I’m not calling Twilight dangerous or anything, she’s a real sweetie actually, its just that for some reason a path of death, destruction, and awkwardness seems to follow her. Ponyville’s been destroyed enough times to prove it. “N no need to do that Lily. I was just joking.” The little filly couldn’t help but smirk while Star gave me that “you avoided death” look. “Lily back to training.” Lily nodded and took off into the sky followed by Star while I made my way back to Hammer and Buckler who just happened to be gloomy again. “What’s wrong with him?” “Stomped out his pride again.” “I don’t have a small horn…..” “......You know Hammer you’d make a great drill sergeant.” “Yea I know but I like being a gentle loving grandma instead.” “It’s an average sized horn….” “Gentle loving grandma? Didn’t know you could tell jokes too.” “Yea I’m hilarious. Did you know that I could also stomp out your mini sword if you don’t hurry up and start your story?” “If anything it’s just a few centimeters smaller….” “Shut up hornless I’m gonna tell my story.” “.......Dick….” Buckler’s really sensitive when it comes to his horn size in case you haven’t noticed. “Anyway I don’t like my name for a few reasons. The main ones being that it kinda marks me as the strange one in my family and that its a kind of sad name.” Hammer was confused by that last tidbit, “Dingy doesn’t sound like a very sad name. I thought it was just a variation of the word ding; you know since bells ding and all.” Hammer always was pretty good at thinking outside the box, “Clever but no. Dingy mean dirty, dull, sullied, tarnished….muddy.” Hammer was always pretty good at keeping her composure but you could make out the look of disgust in her eyes, “......Muddy? All because you were an Earth Pony?! You’re their son for Celestia’s sake! Doesn’t that mean anything to them?!” “Not to noble families.” The one with the little horn had once again collected himself and rejoined the conversation. “Noble families only care about prestige and image remember? Why do you think so many nobles only marry members of their own race? They want to maintain the pure blood aspect. That’s why you hardly ever see mixed families.” “So basically Dingy being born into House Belle threatened the pure blood image that they held?” “Yes, his parents knew that as well. So they gave him a name to reflect his….standing.” Hammers face was a flurry of emotions. Anger, disgust, sadness, pity and strangely confusion, “How exactly was Dingy born an Earth pony though? Isn’t House Belle a pure unicorn house?” This is where things get interesting, “ It’s not actually. My great great grandmother was actually an Earth Pony.” “I’ve never heard of this before.” “Not a lot of ponies have actually. House Belle has tried its best to erase that information.” “Let me guess, they didn’t want to ruin their pure blood image.” “Yes. The only reason I know of it is because my mother told me.” “That’s surprisingly nice of her.” “Yea I know, I think she did it out of pity but still it was nice to know that Grass Whistle hadn’t been completely erased from our family history.” My great great grandmothers name caught Bucklers attention, “Grass Whistle? Isn’t she the pony that helped start the labor unions in Canterlot a century and a half ago? I had no idea she was a member of House Belle.” “It’s a pretty well kept secret. Even now only a few noble families actually know of it.” “Amazing, so your family descended from of the most influential mares of old Canterlot? They’re really choosing to keep that a secret?” “You know how crazy pure blood families.” Hammer, who had been uncharacteristically quiet, finally piped up, “So your name is basically there anger and disappointment for you?.” “Pretty much.” “If you could change your name to something else what would it be?” “I don’t know actually…..” “I see, well one day you’ll know Dingy. I’m sure of it.” “.......Yeaaa anyway I need a favor Hammer.” “You know the drill.” Asking favors from Hammer always came with a price. If she was gonna do something for you, you needed to do something for her. She was always pretty lenient with me though since I had Lily. I usually ended up doing things like fixing stuff around the house, getting groceries or just having to spend the day with her and Star. I think she’s trying to set me and Star up or something. Buckler on the other hand usually had to pay her or do some crazy shit like fix her roof or something. “Alright what do you need?” “Come with me next Wednesday to Ponyville. I need to pick up some things from a shop down there.” “Oh uhh alright then.” “Good now what do you need?” “The Lunar Rave is tomorrow, do you mind watching Lily for the night?” “That time of year already? Try not to wake up pink again.” “One time, one bucking time that happens.” *** The next day had come and gone pretty quick, and after dropping off Lily with Hammer, me and Star were off to the Lunar Rave. “Buckler’s already there right?” “Yea he decided to sleep in the Barracks after our shift so he could be there right when it starts. Knowing him he’s probably trying to get at the batmares again.” “Honestly I don’t see what’s so great about those batmares, they’re all the same pasty color and have weird eyes.” “That’s cause you can’t appreciate Bat flank like me and Buckler can. Besides we’re all more or less the same color too you know.” “Yea I know…..I have a great flank too you know…” “You say something?” “No, lets just get there. I wanna make sure Buckler doesn’t go alicorn state drunk on us.” “Yeaa Bucklercorn is kinda crazy, awesome but crazy.” We arrived at the Castle shortly after and were greeted a wave of music and by the greatest Alicorn in all the land, Buckler. With his mighty slightly smaller horn and cardboard wings he rules over all drunks as a benevolent prince enticing them with promises of a world with free drinks and bat flank. Star upon seeing our majestic noble prince proceeded to get a drink to help her get, “as bucked up as magically possible.” That’s right they got magic shots here. Said magic shots being purely aesthetic but cool none the less. The Princesses always go all out when it comes to the Lunar Rave. Speaking of Princesses it’s interesting to note that Twilight and Cadence have tried getting in before but as I’ve said previously this party is only for the Royal Pony Sisters and their loyal guard. This fact however hasn’t stopped them from trying to get in, the fact the Shining can still get in though despite not being Captain of the Royal Guard has motivated Cadence even more these past few years. While Star was off getting smashed to celebrate the arrival of our newest Prince I decided to go chat up our old captain who was currently betting on what method Twilight and Cadence would use this year to try to get in. “Hey Shining!” “Hey Dingy been a while hasn’t it?!” “It has, hard to believe that a year has passed already huh?!” “Yea!! So whats the top bid this time!” “Fake Pizza Delivery!” “Thats it!? That’s lame! At least last year when they said para drop it was interesting!!” In case you can’t tell its really loud in here “Hey wheres Luna!! I wanna do a body shot of her!” “First Celestia and now Luna!? I can appreciate a man with a goal! I dunno where she is though! Here drink this!” He proceeded to levitate this strange blue glowing drink to me and I couldn’t help but think that this is gonna either gonna wreck me or make me “S-sure!” Well it can’t be all that bad right? Right? “Bottoms up!” The moment that warm liquid went down my throat it started to hit me. Everything was suddenly becoming a lot brighter and defined. Shining looked like he was glowing and when I looked over at Bucklercorn I couldn’t help but think that he looked majestic as fuck. “W-woah! What the hell is this!” Shining just grinned, “ Rum mixed with these magic crystals I found in the Crystal Kingdom! They pack a hell of a punch!” Oh shit they had actual magic shots this year. “O-oh shit!” Shining pulled me in close to his muzzle, “Buckle up there Dingy you’re about to go on one hell of a ride!”
4. Whole lot of whatThe Lunar Rave was something I’ll leave it at that *** “S-Shining what’s going on?” Our glorious former captain was somehow currently shining like a star which is most likely due to this magic shot he gave me. “Its called Crystal Fever and its all the rage back in the Crystal Empire. The magic powered crystals in it give it a mean bucking punch.” “Y-yea I noticed.” I don’t know how but he somehow made bat flank even more glorious than it was before. This man was my hero Shining was still….shining and went to go pass out more shots and left me to revel in my balls to the wall experience. While I was enjoying my said balls being to the wall I couldn’t help but notice somepony come up to me and it was the bestest mare ever, Star. “Dingy are you okay?” “Y-Yea, Shining gave me this magic shot and now everything is just….tits.” “Tits?” “The absolute tits.” “Yeaaa you probably shouldn’t have anymore of those shots.” It was at that moment that a plan formulated in my head. Screw her I’m getting more shots. I then bolted off in the direction of the holy liquor that our noble prince was handing out. “Dingy come back!!” That mare was chasing after me but I knew I could outrun her. “Dingy stop!” Star said to me as she pulled up beside me. Seriously flying is cheating. “NO I NEED MOAR” “NO YOU IDIOT I’M TRYING TO WARN YOU THA…” I never heard the rest of her sentence as I proceeded to crash into a box with all those styrofoam peanuts. It was like heaven and I couldn’t help but enjoy it. “You’re really playing with styrofoam peanuts Dingy?” Star said as she pulled me out of my boxy heaven. “Was, anyway now that my lust for shots has somehow passed where’s Buckler?” “Why did that seem like a poor transition that a writer would do if this was a story?” “What?” “Nothing anyway Buckler was dealing with Twilight and Cadence.” “They came already?” “They’re still here.” *** “B-but sir we have a pizza to deliver for the Princess and only she can sign for it letting you sign would be a violation of the rules.” “S-sc screw the rules I-I’m Bucklercorn.” The lavender delivery mare winced at the display that out lovely prince was putting on. “S-sir what my coworker here is trying to say is that its work protocol please don’t make our job any harder than it already is.” Ahh yes the more collected of the two, the pink one was always better at this then the lavender one. “I-I am Bucklercorn and I say screw that. W-we have sammiches.” “B-bu..” “BUT NOTHING BATFLANK IS AWAITING ME GOOD DAY MADAM.” Our glorious prince then slammed the door in their face and was met with a roar of approval from his beloved subjects, said subjects being me and Star and said roar being us telling him “good job mate” As you can imagine the rest of the night went exactly as it always did the music getting way too loud, Luna giving her speech, Celestia outdrinking everypony, Shining going home early to gloat at Cadence, the inevitable who has the best flank contest (spoilers its always Celestia), Buckler passing out before getting to the batmares, Star getting into a fight with a piece of furniture who was “feeling her up”, and me falling asleep in some weird place. This year well… *** “Ow my head, where am I?” I looked around and saw that I was in the barracks only these weren’t the solar guard barracks, they were the lunar guard barracks.” “Good morning.” Said a calm collected voice that anypony would recognize anywhere “S-sunshine?” I said as I slowly turned around and confirmed my suspicions. “Yes?” “Uhhh” In case you’re wondering the mare I’m currently looking at is Sunshine Smiles, the head Night Guard and a cool ass mare if you don’t piss her off. “Uhh isn’t a very nice thing to say to the mare you wake up next to.” “Right, hey did we? You know?” A sly smiled appeared on her muzzle, “Noo but we….came close to it.” She’s really cheesy when it comes to this kind of stuff. She thinks its sexy and she’s only half right. The other half of it is really cute since she makes these goofy faces when saying it to try to make it even more sexy. Its really adorable. “Cute as always.” “N-no not cute, sexy.” She always gets embarrassed when she fails at being sexy “Sooo did we?” “Oh, yea we did.” “Ooohhh, so uhh are you on the pill?” “Yea no worries.” “Oh sweet well I’ll be going then.” I got up and and started putting my armor on, honestly some people make waaay too big a deal about sex. Its not as dramatic as movies and stories make it out to be. “I’ll be stopping by your house sometime later.” “Wait why?” “I expect you to take responsibility and at least take me out on a date for what we did last night.” “So you wanna go on a date later today?” “No I just wanna hang out, I don’t know what to do with myself when I get a day off.” “Oh alright then thats fine, Lily is gonna be with us so it might get a little loud.” Smiles let out this cute giggle and started pawing at her hair trying to fix it, “anything’s fine with that cute little filly.” Like I said not a big deal. *** The walk to Hammers was rather uneventful. Buckler had reverted to being a regular unicorn, somehow without a hangover and heading home to tell his family about how Bucklercorn had vanquished those who had opposed his reign, Star was walking fine too but was a bit ashamed that she got into a fight with a couch and somehow lost and me well I was wondering what to do for the rest of the day. Oh yea one more thing I should mention is that the day after the Lunar Rave Princess Luna and Celestia give both the guard factions the day off to recover. In any other kingdom this would never happen but this is Equestria, nothing ever happens here; and when something does happen the elements or some random pony usually solve the problem. I really wonder why we have jobs sometimes. As we pulled up I noticed that Hammer was giving Lily a flying lesson so instead of interrupting we just let ourselves in and proceeded to raid Hammer’s fridge which was always well stocked. “Dingy you want me to make you anything?” Star had strangely asked while putting on a pink apron. Seriously she never offers to do anything at all. Ever. She’s also never worn anything pink. Ever. “Uh yea sure can you make me some eggs and hay bacon?” With a strange peppy enthusiastic “sure” she proceeded to get to work while I went to go check on Lily and Hammer who hopefully hadn’t told my filly anything stupid while I was gone. If I had to quote Hammers wisdom I would quote what she once told a teenage Star, “a mares flank is power don’t be afraid to abuse it. Like me for example, I haven’t paid for groceries since I was 16. Your grandpa didn’t even try to stop it he actually encouraged it mostly because he always thought that Canterlot grocery stores were ripoffs; which they were.” Great thing to tell your granddaughter right? Oh yea I never actually mentioned Stars grandpa did I? His name is Steel Skies and he’s the royal blacksmith who is currently out on a supply run for more metals, he should be back sometime soon but I’m glad he’s not here. Because just like his wife he has a tendency to say stupid shit too. To quote his wisdom, “Did you know fish fuck in water? There’s most likely fish cum in my glass of water.” It really explains why Star turned out the way she did Anyway enough of Steel and Hammers great parenting what I saw outside was Hammer helping Lily with reaching higher elevation. Once they saw me they both descended and Lily immediately proceeded to tackle me. “You’re not pink this year?” “Uhh no” It was at this moment that Hammer chimed in, “told you he wouldn’t be pink this time, something else stupid probably happened.” “I wouldn’t call it stupid more like awesome.” Hammer raised a brow at this, “such as?” I couldn’t say that I screwed the head night guard while Lily was around so I had to get her away somehow, “Hey Lily wanna go see if Star needs help cooking?” Those cute little ears shot up and she bolted inside, Hammer drew closer since she most likely figured out the direction of this conversation. “Dingy what did you do?” I couldn’t help but grin, “More like who.” “Dingy.” “Fine fine I screwed Sunshine Smiles.” Hammers expression immediately went from interested to worried. This probably wasn’t gonna turn out good. “Uhh Hammer is there something wrong?” “You, you did a batmare.” “Yea, so?” “Have you ever wondered where the term batshit insane comes from?” Yeea bad, “U-uh no?” “Well Dingy, bat ponies, especially those who have mated, have a tendency to be clingy to those whom they’ve been involved with” “Can’t be that bad right?” “Yeaaaa no, unless they see that you have somepony with whom you have a loving relationship with they won’t leave you alone until you pair up with them.” “What?” “It’s a really amazing thing, its actually why the bat ponies have a zero percent divorce rate.” “Not helping here.” She chuckled at my panic, “Not trying to.” “Gee thanks, now is there anything in your infinite wisdom that can help me get out of this that doesn’t involve me and my flank? Cause thats what got me here in the first place.” She put a hoof to her muzzle and assumed a thinkers position. She was most likely coming up with a great plan that reflects her years of service in the Roya… “Date my granddaughter.” “What?” “Date my granddaughter genius.” And almost like magic, “Dingy!! Breakfast is ready” “She’s even cooking for you already, come on.” “Uhh” “Come on she has a crush on you.” “Wait, what?!”
