A Royal Guard and His Filly

The Lunar Rave was something I’ll leave it at that

***

“S-Shining what’s going on?”

Our glorious former captain was somehow currently shining like a star which is most likely due to this magic shot he gave me.

“Its called Crystal Fever and its all the rage back in the Crystal Empire. The magic powered crystals in it give it a mean bucking punch.”

“Y-yea I noticed.” I don’t know how but he somehow made bat flank even more glorious than it was before. This man was my hero

Shining was still….shining and went to go pass out more shots and left me to revel in my balls to the wall experience.

While I was enjoying my said balls being to the wall I couldn’t help but notice somepony come up to me and it was the bestest mare ever, Star.

“Dingy are you okay?”

“Y-Yea, Shining gave me this magic shot and now everything is just….tits.”

“Tits?”

“The absolute tits.”

“Yeaaa you probably shouldn’t have anymore of those shots.”

It was at that moment that a plan formulated in my head. Screw her I’m getting more shots. I then bolted off in the direction of the holy liquor that our noble prince was handing out.

“Dingy come back!!”

That mare was chasing after me but I knew I could outrun her.

“Dingy stop!” Star said to me as she pulled up beside me. Seriously flying is cheating.

“NO I NEED MOAR”

“NO YOU IDIOT I’M TRYING TO WARN YOU THA…”

I never heard the rest of her sentence as I proceeded to crash into a box with all those styrofoam peanuts. It was like heaven and I couldn’t help but enjoy it.

“You’re really playing with styrofoam peanuts Dingy?” Star said as she pulled me out of my boxy heaven.

“Was, anyway now that my lust for shots has somehow passed where’s Buckler?”

“Why did that seem like a poor transition that a writer would do if this was a story?”

“What?”

“Nothing anyway Buckler was dealing with Twilight and Cadence.”

“They came already?”

“They’re still here.”

***

“B-but sir we have a pizza to deliver for the Princess and only she can sign for it letting you sign would be a violation of the rules.”

“S-sc screw the rules I-I’m Bucklercorn.”

The lavender delivery mare winced at the display that out lovely prince was putting on.

“S-sir what my coworker here is trying to say is that its work protocol please don’t make our job any harder than it already is.”  Ahh yes the more collected of the two, the pink one was always better at this then the lavender one.

“I-I am Bucklercorn and I say screw that. W-we have sammiches.”

“B-bu..”

“BUT NOTHING BATFLANK IS AWAITING ME GOOD DAY MADAM.”

Our glorious prince then slammed the door in their face and was met with a roar of approval from his beloved subjects, said subjects being me and Star and said roar being us telling him “good job mate”

As you can imagine the rest of the night went exactly as it always did the music getting way too loud, Luna giving her speech, Celestia outdrinking everypony, Shining going home early to gloat at Cadence, the inevitable who has the best flank contest (spoilers its always Celestia), Buckler passing out before getting to the batmares, Star getting into a fight with a piece of furniture who was “feeling her up”, and me falling asleep in some weird place. This year well…

***

“Ow my head, where am I?”

I looked around and saw that I was in the barracks only these weren’t the solar guard barracks, they were the lunar guard barracks.”

“Good morning.” Said a calm collected voice that anypony would recognize anywhere

“S-sunshine?” I said as I slowly turned around and confirmed my suspicions.

“Yes?”

“Uhhh”

In case you’re wondering the mare I’m currently looking at is Sunshine Smiles, the head Night Guard and a cool ass mare if you don’t piss her off.

“Uhh isn’t a very nice thing to say to the mare you wake up next to.”

“Right, hey did we? You know?”

A sly smiled appeared on her muzzle, “Noo but we….came close to it.”

She’s really cheesy when it comes to this kind of stuff. She thinks its sexy and she’s only half right. The other half of it is really cute since she makes these goofy faces when saying it to try to make it even more sexy. Its really adorable.

“Cute as always.”

“N-no not cute, sexy.”

She always gets embarrassed when she fails at being sexy

“Sooo did we?”

“Oh, yea we did.”

“Ooohhh, so uhh are you on the pill?”

“Yea no worries.”

“Oh sweet well I’ll be going then.”

I got up and and started putting my armor on, honestly some people make waaay too big a deal about sex. Its not as dramatic as movies and stories make it out to be.

“I’ll be stopping by your house sometime later.”

“Wait why?”

“I expect you to take responsibility and at least take me out on a date for what we did last night.”

“So you wanna go on a date later today?”

“No I just wanna hang out, I don’t know what to do with myself when I get a day off.”

“Oh alright then thats fine, Lily is gonna be with us so it might get a little loud.”

Smiles let out this cute giggle and started pawing at her hair trying to fix it, “anything’s fine with that cute little filly.”

Like I said not a big deal.

***

The walk to Hammers was rather uneventful. Buckler had reverted to being a regular unicorn, somehow without a hangover and heading home to tell his family about how Bucklercorn had vanquished those who had opposed his reign, Star was walking fine too but was a bit ashamed that she got into a fight with a couch and somehow lost and me well I was wondering what to do for the rest of the day.

Oh yea one more thing I should mention is that the day after the Lunar Rave Princess Luna and Celestia give both the guard factions the day off to recover. In any other kingdom this would never happen but this is Equestria, nothing ever happens here; and when something does happen the elements or some random pony usually solve the problem. I really wonder why we have jobs sometimes.

As we pulled up I noticed that Hammer was giving Lily a flying lesson so instead of interrupting we just let ourselves in and proceeded to raid Hammer’s fridge which was always well stocked.

“Dingy you want me to make you anything?” Star had strangely asked while putting on a pink apron. Seriously she never offers to do anything at all. Ever. She’s also never worn anything pink. Ever.

“Uh yea sure can you make me some eggs and hay bacon?”

With a strange peppy enthusiastic “sure” she proceeded to get to work while I went to go check on Lily and Hammer who hopefully hadn’t told my filly anything stupid while I was gone. If I had to quote Hammers wisdom I would quote what she once told a teenage Star, “a mares flank is power don’t be afraid to abuse it. Like me for example, I haven’t paid for groceries since I was 16. Your grandpa didn’t even try to stop it he actually encouraged it mostly because he always thought that Canterlot grocery stores were ripoffs; which they were.” Great thing to tell your granddaughter right?

Oh yea I never actually mentioned Stars grandpa did I? His name is Steel Skies and he’s the royal blacksmith who is currently out on a supply run for more metals, he should be back sometime soon but I’m glad he’s not here. Because just like his wife he has a tendency to say stupid shit too. To quote his wisdom, “Did you know fish fuck in water? There’s most likely fish cum in my glass of water.” It really explains why Star turned out the way she did

Anyway enough of Steel and Hammers great parenting what I saw outside was Hammer helping Lily with reaching higher elevation. Once they saw me they both descended and Lily immediately proceeded to tackle me.

“You’re not pink this year?”

“Uhh no”

It was at this moment that Hammer chimed in, “told you he wouldn’t be pink this time, something else stupid probably happened.”

“I wouldn’t call it stupid more like awesome.”

Hammer raised a brow at this, “such as?”

I couldn’t say that I screwed the head night guard while Lily was around so I had to get her away somehow, “Hey Lily wanna go see if Star needs help cooking?”

Those cute little ears shot up and she bolted inside, Hammer drew closer since she most likely figured out the direction of this conversation.

“Dingy what did you do?”

I couldn’t help but grin, “More like who.”

“Dingy.”

“Fine fine I screwed Sunshine Smiles.”

Hammers expression immediately went from interested to worried. This probably wasn’t gonna turn out good.

“Uhh Hammer is there something wrong?”

“You, you did a batmare.”

“Yea, so?”

“Have you ever wondered where the term batshit insane comes from?”

Yeea bad, “U-uh no?”

“Well Dingy, bat ponies, especially those who have mated, have a tendency to be clingy to those whom they’ve been involved with”

“Can’t be that bad right?”

“Yeaaaa no, unless they see that you have somepony with whom you have a loving relationship with they won’t leave you alone until you pair up with them.”

“What?”

“It’s a really amazing thing, its actually why the bat ponies have a zero percent divorce rate.”

“Not helping here.”

She chuckled at my panic, “Not trying to.”

“Gee thanks, now is there anything in your infinite wisdom that can help me get out of this that doesn’t involve me and my flank? Cause thats what got me here in the first place.”

She put a hoof to her muzzle and assumed a thinkers position. She was most likely coming up with a great plan that reflects her years of service in the Roya…

“Date my granddaughter.”

“What?”

“Date my granddaughter genius.”

And almost like magic, “Dingy!! Breakfast is ready”

“She’s even cooking for you already, come on.”

“Uhh”

“Come on she has a crush on you.”

“Wait, what?!”