Chapters What If I Gave You A Cake?
Previously on 'Shut Up!'; our heroes had discovered that strange things were ahoof in Ponyville! A mysterious being had entered into the lives of Doctor Whooves, Twilight Sparkle, and Pinkie Pie.
"That was just five minutes ago! Who are you talking to anyway?"
"Some super duper awesome friends, that's who! Hello all of you!"
"Pinkie, stop waving, there's nopony there!"
"Twilight! You can't say something awful like that! Quick, ring a bell to bring them back before we lose them forever!"
"Pinkie-
"FOREVER!"
Well, with all that out of the way, shall we get on with the story?
"What story?! We're just standing here while you go crazy."
Great gazoo, doc, this is as productive as a session of Congress. No Pinkie! Don't touch that drum set, I don't need- *BADUM TISH*
"Oooookaaaaayyy. Let's just get down to brass tacks."
"Sorry, I didn't bring any. I drove."
"Ugh, this is gonna be painful."
"What, the tacks? Try not to sit on them!"
Mighty, I'll be surprised if we're not banished forever for a reference like that.
"Don't worry, only the bestest of best friends will get it! Doesn't look like Twilight nor Whoovesy Woozy picked it up either!"
"Enough! Can we focus for just a minute?!"
"Ooo! I know what'll help! Steve, can you summon up a cake for us right now?"
"Summon a cake? Pinkie, he's not some type of wizard, I doubt he can even function properly."
An abrupt flash in the room knocked the naive stallion onto his haunches. Now in place of where he was just moments ago, there was an enormous three layer, pink frosted cake. Shall I teach you how to Steve?
Whooves glared at the delicious dessert. "You really chap my hide, you know that?"
Doesn't matter, Pinkie's happy. By this point the princess of pink was face deep into the cake.
"Mmmm!!"
"Steve, didn't you say it's your job to narrate us?"
I'm sensing bigger questions are ahead, but yes that's correct.
"Then you're not doing a very good job. You haven't described anything in detail at all!"
Now wait just a minute-
"Oh what's wrong, sweetie? Did we hit a nerve?"
Ohhh, you are such a delight! Why don't you go back to your cave?!
"Steve Steve Steve, somepony's gotta make sure you're actually working to your pay. How much are you getting anyway?"
Hey doc, knock knock.
"Who's there?"
Nunya.
"Nunya who?"
Nunya business dangit! Now go out and do something!
"Why would we do something else when we're already having fun bothering you? Looks like the tables have turned."
I'm gonna flip those tables over if you keep this up! You're making this job harder than it should be!
"That's what she said, haha!"
"Twilight!"
"What? It's no wonder he was enjoying himself so much before, this is fantastic! It's
Oh joy.
Pinkie let out a gasp. "Steve, we never described what you look like! Everypony knows us, but not you!"
Believe me, Pinkie, it doesn't matter. Now can we please get on with-
"Steve is super cool! He has deep brown eyes that can stare into your soul, he's very-"
"Are his eyes brown because he's full of sh-"
Yeah, that joke would have been totally clever. But then it's being said by the BROWN pony!
"ENOUGH! YOU ARE ALL UNDER ARREST!" a thunderous voice boomed in interruption.
Aw crap, it's the Writers' Inquisition!
"The Writers' Inquisition?! That's a bit unexpected, don't you think?"
Of course! No one expects the Writers' Inquisition! Now they're over-riding the narration device!
"TELEPORTATION SEQUENCE ACTIVATED!" the voice called out. A subtle rumble shook the room, growing gradually while the three ponies started glowing.
Ugh, not again.. Alright all of you, hold onto your shorts! It's gonna be a bumpy ride!
"Hooray! I love rides! Except for this one time when Fluttershy had eaten right before we went on this roller coaster and-"
Pinkie didn't get to finish before a bright flash of light overtook the trio. They suddenly found themselves no longer in the doctor's home, but inside of a swirling vortex of alternating color. Fortunately or unfortunately, Steve was alongside them as well. While Doctor Whooves and Twilight were flailing about in fear, Steve simply drifted along in the flow.
In the bare minimum, Steve can be classified as a homo sapiens. His lack of respect and carefree attitude were evident in his dirty blond hair which was ruffled in his face due to the free fall. He closed his eyes and waited for the inevitable.
Pinkie, meanwhile, was having the time of her life. She giggled incessantly as she twirled and whirled around her three friends. Just as soon as the unnatural phenomenon began, however, it ended with a crash landing upon a dark, obsidian floor. Pinkie landed lightly on her hooves while the others were wheezing in pain from the brash impact.
Twilight was the first to recover. She looked in awe at their new new surroundings. No walls nor doors could be seen, only a bleak darkness over compassing their lit spot. Before them was a gigantic podium that stretched into a semi-circle. Lighting similar to their own spot appeared on the podium's occupants. Nine robed figures glared down at the quartet, but their own facial features were well hidden by their hoods.
"GRAND TRIAL CASE ‘Q U THIRTY THREE F’ IS NOW IN SESSION! THE COUNCIL RECOGNIZES THE ACCOMPLICES: TWILIGHT SPARKLE, DOCTOR WHOOVES, AND PINKIE PIE! THUS WE BEGIN THE WRITERS' INQUISITION V. STEVE NANCY PHELPS," the center counselor loudly addressed.
Doctor Whooves snorted and tried to refrain from laughing. "Your middle name is Nancy?!"
"Shut up, Whooves," Steve angrily whispered.
"THE DEFENDANT HAS BEEN CHARGED WITH 4,500 COUNTS OF FAILURE TO DETAIL, 3,000 COUNTS OF DESTROYING THE FOURTH WALL, 2,500 COUNTS OF ILL-USED JOKES, AND 1 COUNT OF FAILURE TO RENEW HIS MONTHLY SUBSCRIPTION!"
Twilight was about to protest the sheer absurdity of it all, but Pinkie interrupted her, "That's a LOT of counts! Why, that's over nine tho-"
"SILENCE MORTALS! CRACKING OLD AND POINTLESS JOKES LIKE THAT IS A FELONY IN THIS COURT! MISTER PHELPS, HOW DO YOU PLEA TO THESE CHARGES?" another authority on the right asked.
"Not guilty, it was all Whooves," Steve retorted.
"Nice, they'll really believe that," Doctor Whooves replied, his voice dripping with sarcasm.
"THIS IS SERIOUS BUSINESS, MISTER PHELPS. IT IS A SHAME, THE APPLE HAS TRULY FALLEN FAR FROM THE TREE. WHAT WILL YOUR FATHER THINK?" a counselor on the left asked.
Steve groaned. "First off, the guy you're referring is not my father. His 'golden' material that you hold so dearly is pathetic drivel that has no entertainment value at all. I don't care about what he thinks nor what all of you think."
Pinkie glanced at one of the counselors closest to her. "Hey! He looks kinda like Gummy!" she excitedly exclaimed.
Steve turned away from the council to see his cohorts. "You're taking all of this surprisingly well."
"Eh, it's their party, we're just here for the show now," Doctor Whooves said.
Twilight nodded. "No point in freaking out when it could get us further in trouble."
"MISTER PHELPS, AS YOU HAVE NO REBUTTAL AND WE HAVE SUBSTANTIAL EVIDENCE AGAINST YOU, WE, AS REPRESENTATIVES OF LITERATURE IN THE UNIVERSE, FIND YOU GUILTY OF ALL CHARGES. YOU SHALL BE SENTENCED TO LIFE IN WRITERS' PRISON!"
"Wait!" Pinkie cried out. "You can't send him away, there has to be a different punishment!"
"THE COUNCIL RECOGNIZES MISS PIE. TELL US, WHAT SHOULD BE DONE THEN?" asked the counselor that resembled her pet alligator.
Pinkie looked at Twilight and the doctor, silently begging for their help. Twilight smiled wickedly and responded, "I believe I have a solution."
"AND WHAT MIGHT THAT BE, MISS SPARKLE?" the center counselor asked, completely devoid of emotion.
"Why don't we give him a taste of his own medicine? Let's make him part of the story!" Twilight suggested.
"No no no, haha, there's no need for that. I'll take prison," Steve stuttered.
"Not just part of the story, but the main character as well!" Doctor Whooves happily shouted.
Steve glared at him and Twilight. "What are you doing?!" he hissed.
"VERY WELL, WE WILL SENTENCE THIS AS A PROBATION, A TEST TO PROVE HIMSELF AS MORE THAN A WRITER. ERWIN FROM ACCOUNTING WILL SUPERVISE AND NARRATE THE STORY." another counselor stated.
"Erwin from Accounting?! I hate that guy, he's such a bore and he's gonna ruin everything on purpose!" Steve argued.
"SILENCE! THE COUNCIL HAS MADE ITS' DECISION. YOU WILL GO BACK WITH THESE THREE PONIES AND REPORT BACK IN 30 DAYS. THIS COURT IS ADJOURNED!" the head counselor shouted, slamming down his gavel.
Immediately after the loud smack, the quartet was transported in a brilliant flash out of the room. The counselors remained in their seats, contemplating the recent events. One of the judges on the end of the table nudged his companion. "I betcha thirty bits that he won't last a chapter."
"You're on," the counselor whispered.
Our heroes blinked repeatedly from the blinding light to find themselves back in Ponyville, safe and intact. Well, almost.
"That was fun! Can we do that again?" Pinkie asked, already bouncing on the hill where they now found themselves.
"Ugggghhhh, why did you do that?" Steve muttered as he pushed his face into the grass.
Twilight and Doctor Whooves were now pushing themselves off the ground when they noticed something very different about Steve. "Steve? Is that you?"
"Well, this is unexpected," said the doctor.
"What? Did they vaporize my clothes or something?" Steve sarcastically inquired, still not realizing what had happened.
"Pinkie, do you have a mirror?" Twilight asked.
"Of course! I have mirrors stashed around all over Ponyville, in case of mirror emergency!" Pinkie replied, pulling a mirror out from behind Doctor Whooves' ear. He was about to ask how, but then remembered who he was dealing with.
Pinkie held out the mirror in front of Steve's face. The reflection baffled him. Staring back, was a brown-eyed, green-coated, blond-maned pony. Steve grabbed the mirror. "WHAT?! HOW?! I DON'T..HUH?!" he spouted off question after question in absolute confusion.
The doctor grinned. "What's wrong, Steve? Feeling a little hoarse?"
"OH SHUT UP!"
You never stop talking, do you?
Hello you fine readers, this is Erwin! ..You know, Erwin? Erwin from Accounting? Nevermind, just know that I'll be your guide here into the story, nyaha. Despite what Steve said about me before, be assured that I will be completely professional in this. The heroes may still hear me, but I've recoded the program for a mute option on their end. No tomfoolery here. "Go suck an egg, Erwin!" Hey, you're not allowed to address me at all now, this is your first warning! My apologies, there may be occasional hiccups for now.
Where was I? Oh yes, the recap. When we last saw our 'heroes', they had been put under trial by the highly respected Writers' Inquisition. "Do you mind wiping that brown off your nose?". I'm not going to warn you again, be professional.
Anywho, this intergalactic council found Steve guilty of all charges and sentenced him to life in Writers' Prison. However, his pony acquaintances managed to convince the counselors of a different punishment. Instead, Steve became the main, or should I say 'mane' (nyaha), character of this story. Not only that, but he's been transformed into a pony! What adventures lie ahead? Well, let's find out in 'Chapter Three: You never stop talking, do you?'
"I don't even.. what is going on?! This is madness!" Steve yelled, still motionless on the ground.
"Madness? You silly goose, this is Equestria!" Pinkie restated, playfully poking his side. "Now c'mon, let's go have a 'Welcome to Ponyville' party for you! Time to get up!"
"Pinkie, my whole anatomy has changed! I've never had four legs, let alone stand on them!" he angrily replied. Steve pushed himself up with his front legs, but remained in a sitting position.
"Oh you big baby, just try it. It's like breathing, don't think about it and put one hoof in front of the other," Twilight suggested.
Steve mimicked the unicorn in a high pitched voice, but attempted her advice anyway. He very cautiously forced himself up with all four legs, each one shaking violently. Steve smiled at this accomplishment, but still trembled. "Hey! I did it! I'm standi-Oofph!" he proclaimed before unceremoniously falling back down.
The doctor clapped his hooves very slowly and insultingly said, "Bravo, bravo. Took ya, what, 10 minutes to do that? We're gonna be here all day, aren't we?"
"Don't worry, Steve, the first time is always wobbly and crasherrific! You'll get used to this, I know it," Pinkie consoled her friend.
Steve mumbled something incoherent about ponies and manure before he noticed something twitch on his rump. He whipped his head around and gasped in fear and realization. It just now hit Steve that he had a tail.
"What's wrong, Steve? You look like you've seen a ghost," said Pinkie, trying to figure out what was up.
Steve whispered, "I have a tail."
"Beg pardon?" Twilight asked, raising an eyebrow.
"I have a tail," he whispered again, even quieter.
"And the last horse crosses the finish line. What next, are you going to say the sky is blue?" Doctor Whooves sarcastically asked.
"A TAIL! Do you not understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?! It's a glorified butt limb and OHMYGAWDIT'SMOVING, ITCANSMELLFEAR!" Steve cried out, covering his eyes.
Twilight and Whooves stared in disbelief. Even Pinkie was thrown out of loop and could only mutter, "..whaa.."
Steve rolled his eyes and spat, "Oh yeah, sure, let's see how well you'd take a freaky change like this. Betcha that you'd go berserk if you got thumbs."
"Pony up, ya nancy, ponies are gonna think you're nuts," the doctor chastised.
"Your face is nuts!" Steve childishly argued.
"We're getting nowhere fast, let's at least go somewhere more comfortable," Twilight reasoned.
"I still can't walk!" he replied.
"Never fear, Pinkie's here!" Pinkie triumphantly shouted. She effortlessly picked Steve up and placed him on her back. To say that he was uncomfortable about this was a massive understatement. Even worse than saying that I only 'like' accounting. Hint: I love it, nyaha. ("GET ON WITH IT, ERWIN." ). Right, sorry counselors.
Steve awkwardly flailed about on Pinkie until he plopped back onto the ground. "No, no, and a million times no! Nopony is carrying me now or ever! I have still have my pride, dangit," he snarled.
"Said the coward who's afraid of his tail. Fine then, how do you intend on moving?" Doctor Whooves asked.
Steve thought for a while. His face brightened considerably when an idea came to him. "C'mon, follow me," he beckoned, crawling along in the grass.
The three ponies watched him for a moment before bursting into laughter. Pinkie collapsed from giggling so much while Twilight and Whooves held each other up. "Are you serious?" questioned Twilight, taking a quick breath.
"What?! Do you have a better idea?" Steve interrogated.
Whooves chortled, but managed to respond, "Oh oh, I know! Let's get a wagon for him! We can pull him and it'll be like a parade, he'll look so adorable!".
The trio laughed even louder while Steve glared at them. He shook his head and retorted, "Because that won't draw attention at all!"
"Have you seen yourself? You look like you you've had too much cider! Everypony will notice you!" Pinkie Pie joked, still rolling on the grass.
"I'll be drinking a lot more than cider once this is all over. To the library, I need answers," Steve muttered. He continued crawling as his audience tried to contain their laughter and followed him.
Whether he cared anymore or not, Steve crawled into Ponyville still on his belly. It was mid-day and just about everypony and their cat and dog were out enjoying the nice weather. Or as Steve would have phrased before, 'it was hella' busy.' . Just as Pinkie Pie had predicted, Steve stuck out like Waldo on an empty page.
Every mare and stallion were either whispering about, laughing at, or straight-up ignoring the newcomer. That ol' Steve just kept chugging along; chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga, toot toot! Even when the guerillas rigged the bridge with plastic explosi-("YOU'RE RAMBLING AGAIN, CEASE AND DECIST. BESIDES, NOBODY HAS SEEN THAT MOVIE BUT YOU, ERWIN." ). My sincerest apologies, Steve's attitude is rather infectious, nyaha.
Unfortunately for Steve, his path was suddenly blocked by a peculiar and distraught pony. The cream-colored mare bent down to inspect him, scrutinizing Steve's very existence. Steve nervously chuckled. "Uhh.. hi?"
She jumped immediately back in fear and cried, "Disease pony! Run for your lives!" This herald of catastrophe galloped away, every other pony following suit. Soon the town was completely empty and devoid of any life save our four heroes.
Steve remained motionless on the grass. "..disease pony? What the hay was that all about?" he asked cluelessly.
"Well, I was gonna pin it as an excuse for you crawling on the ground, but I think it's because you're a full-grown pony and lack a cutie mark," Pinkie stated matter-of-factly.
"What?!" Steve shouted, whipping his head around in a close 180. Sure as the nose on his face, Steve was a blank flank. "What?!"
"Dangit, Pinkie, I wanted a camera ready for his reaction," Doctor Whooves joked, still chuckling from it all.
Steve shook his head back and forth to his accomplices. "This doesn't make sense though! I'm a writer, writing's my talent, it should be my cutie mark!" he proclaimed.
"Maybe something else is your talent," Twilight replied.
"No way, I've been writing my whole life. It's the only thing I've done!"
The doctor chuckled again, "Coulda fooled me, you sure suck at it."
Alright, children, all together now:
"SHUT UP!"
(A/N: http://www.fimfiction.net/blog/16804 )
Nyaha nyahahaha! So we had this office party last night and I'm 99.99% sure that someone spiked my water, nyaha. Who's the best at accounting and is hammered out of his mind? Me! Erwin, that's who, nyaha!
"SWEET GEORGIA BROWN, WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?!" Wassup councilmans, I was just giving an intro to our fine readerpeople. Was that an intense party last night or what? "ERWIN, ARE YOU NARRATING WHILST INTOXICATED?" Only on account of villainy, Professor Hootington. "WHAT?"
Whoa! I'm getting super mind powers from the alcohol. An idea... blue waffles sound delicious. "THAT IS DISGUSTING AND YOU SHOULD FEEL ASHAMED, ERWIN." Hey hey! Where do one-legged waitresses work? "I DON'T.. FINE, WHERE?".
iHop, nyaha! "CHESTHAIR OF ZEUS, GET ON WITH THE STORY!"
Mmmnyahakay. Last time on 'Shut Up', our little Steve crawled his way into our hearts. I'm so proud of him! "Erwin, you are the weirdest drunk I've ever met.". And you're the cutest talking beaver-bird I've ever seen. "...Can we just get on with this?"
Through his silly escapades, the citizens of Ponyville pretty much flipped their lids and barricaded themselves indoors. That rascally Steve, scaring everypony everywhere everytime. I better copyright this shizuoka, it's gold! And then we found out that Steve sucks at everything. "Screw you Erwin!" Today's chapter is brought by the letter 4, because that's how many cups of 'water' I had! "..we are so f-" iretruck, nyaha! Chapter 4: Callate!
THUNK. THUNK. THUNK.
Not sure if Steve is banging his head against a wall or Twilight and Whooves are doing it upstairs. ("#*@$, ERWIN! NO MORE FRYE JOKES, BE ORIGINAL!" ) Wasn't me, it was that flying narwhal! (“GET SOBER! NOW!” ) I’ll get right on that, nyaha.
Despite how wild and unexpected- not to mention graphic- the earlier second option would have been, it was the former. The loud thunking was created from good ol’ Steve. The poor sap and company had finally arrived to the library for investigation, but thus far the research was fruitless. Due in large part because Steve still wasn’t used to his new hooves, he could only prod at the covers of the books.
Twilight was searching other material while Whooves watched Steve in amusement. Pinkie Pie busied herself with the books that Twilight cast aside. Not by putting them away of course, but instead building up a book fortress. Steve gave up his attempts and resorted to hitting the floor in mild frustration. "This sucks," he muttered.
"I don't know about you, but I'm having a blast! Seriously, you're more fun than a barrel of monkeys, only dumber!" said Whooves, laughing at Steve's conundrum.
Steve grumbled and replied, "You're so helpful. Don't you have anything better to do?"
"Nothing that's as entertaining as this. Wouldn't you agree, Pinkie?" the doctor quizzed.
"Absolutely!" Pinkie proclaimed, peeking out from her completed mansion of literature. "Why are you so stressed, Stevie? You haven't even smiled since you got here!"
Steve gave a fake smile. "There, I smiled. Mission accomplished.”
"Oh Stevie, you can’t fool me that easily. We still need to throw a party for you!” Pinkie announced.
Twilight frowned slightly. "That's easier said than done, Pinkie. Everypony is afraid of him because they think he's a health threat."
"Don't worry, Twilight, I have ways to convince them otherwise," replied Pinkie, rubbing her hooves together.
Steve shook his head. "I'd rather keep them like that."
Every pony quickly turned their attention to him with looks of surprise. Pinkie burst apart her book fortress to clutch Steve and interrogate him. "What do you mean you want to keep them like that?! You have a chance to make tons of friends with a bunch of great ponies here!"
After steadying himself by the table, Steve retorted, "Look. I'm really not planning on being here long."
Even the doctor started to protest. "But the council said-"
"I could care less what they think. I just want to get all of this done as soon as possible and go home, nothing more,” blurted Steve.
Pinkie and Twilight appeared a little hurt from his blunt attitude. Whooves bit his lip, deep in thought. “Ya know, it’s not all bad here. You’re already getting used to walking! Plus, you’re starting to grow on us. True, I hated your guts at the start there, but there’s something.. different about you.”
Steve snorted disdainfully. “You mean that I’m a human and not a pony?”
Twilight approached him. “No, something else. I can’t put my hoof on it either.. but whatever the case, we still want to help you.”
“Yeah! You’ve got a super duper awesome quest of self-discovery ahead! Maybe we can figure out what you’re supposed to do here as well as what your talent is,” said Pinkie. She smiled wildly and placed a hoof on Steve’s shoulder. “What do you say, Stevie?”
The doctor nodded in agreement. “Honestly, chap, I know I want you around. Tell us about yourself and we can find some answers.”
Steve eyed all of them suspiciously. “All of you are being way too nice right now! This better not be some crazy mind-bending prank that you’re pulling on me. Fine.. what do you want to know?”
I betcha they're trollin' him, nyaha!
“That’s the spirit,” said Twilight, allowing a small grin to cover her face.. so druuunnnkkk right now, nyaha! “Just tell us about you. Likes, dislikes, growing up, everything!”
He scratched his head and blushed lightly. “To be honest, it’s pretty dang boring. I was born and raised in the Writers’ Academy, that place we were at before I became.. this. It’s the only ‘home’ I’ve ever known and writing’s been the only thing I’ve ever done in my life. That's it.”
Steve’s friends -wishful thinking, nyaha, no idea what they’re thinking - leaned forward expectantly. Whooves was the first to break the silence. “Wait, is that really all?”
“I told you, there’s not a whole lot behind me. What you see is what you get,” he replied.
Pinkie giggled. “Horse apples, I just know there’s another lil’ inner Stevie in ya! Soon as we make you friends with everypony in town, he’s bound to come out.” Without a moment of hesitation, she grasped Steve and pulled him outside to the town square.
Twilight and the doctor chased after them. “Wait, Pinkie! Everypony’s still afraid of him, shouldn’t we start small and introduce him to our friends?”
"Phooey, Twilight, I told you that I have my little ways of convincing ponies otherwise!” she responded.
Pinkie pulled a phonograph out of nowhere (remember, where we're going we don't need sense.). "Alright everypony, let’s jam!” Pinkie shouted, flicking the device on. It began to emit a funky beat, very reminiscent of a classic human television show. She put a cheesy 90’s hat over her mane. The song sounded like- oh the heck with it, MAGIC TIME! (Make sure there is adequate room for this jammin’ song, you might groove along too, nyaha!)
Pinkie took in a deep breath and began to sing, “Now this is a story all about how, this pony named Steve looks so down. We’ll take this little song, get over here! We’re gonna figure out how to give him cheer.”
Several ponies were beginning to peek out of their windows, curious as to what was going on. Pinkie continued, “In West Fillydelphia, born and raised, on the playground is where he spent most of his days. Chilling out, partying, acting all cool, and playing some hoofball outside of school. When a couple of meanies, up to no good! Started making trouble in the neighborhood. He got in one little fight and his mum felt fear, she said, “Move to Ponyville, my little dear.”
As if she was the new Pied Piper (Pinkied Piper? nyaha, pipes), the joyful tune was luring out more and more ponies into the town square to watch. Pinkie started the last verse. “So now he’s here in our fair city, we should welcome him with this ditty. If anything try to apologize for today, but whatever he’s here: Steve, hooray! Let’s give him the finest party he’s ever seen, c’mon ponies, don’t be mean! He’s a really cool guy, say hi to Steve. Seriously everypony, stop shaking like leaves!”
Pinkie finished very loudly, striking a final pose. The crowd was in silent awe and confused of what would happen next. “Did you say ‘guy’?” a familiar minty-green unicorn asked.
Ohhohoh, it’s that obligatory joke that had to be thrown in! It’s like a game of ‘Who’s That Pony?!’ A unicorn that noticed 'guy' in the song? I betcha it’s Pumpkin Cake, that rascal. (“THAT IS IT! ERWIN, YOU ARE DISMISSED OF NARRATING! FOR YOUR DRUNKEN INCOMPETENCE, YOU SHALL NOW SERVE AS COMEDIC RELIEF!” )
Nyaha. Nyahahaha! (“WHAT?!” ) You said ‘dic’. (“FOR THE LOVE OF.. BANHAMMER!” )
Wooooo! Hang te-”OOFFPH!”
“What the?!”
“Nyaha, what’s up ponies?”
“Hey look everypony, it’s Erwin!”
“Erwin!”
“Erwin?!”
"I love Erwin!"
“Erwin! I want yo babies!”
“Are you kidding me?! Everypony already knows and loves him?! WAIT! Erwin, if you’re not narrating, then who is?”
“I don’t think you’re gonna like the answer.”
“WHO?!”
"Your step-dad.”
Sup son.
“Trey?! You filth, SHUT UP!”
Will all the 'lolwut' make you quiet?
Good evening, my subjects. I am Treyson Amadeus Reginald Dontes the Third and I will be your guide into this story. No flash photography or autographs until after we are finished. I have won over 3,000 writing awards and have been declared the universe’s greatest writer. Of those awards is the Nobel Literature Prize of Space..which I won twice. Needless to say, I’m a big deal around here.
“And it’s all a lie, you talentless hack.” Ah, if it isn’t my worthless excuse for a son. “Don’t flatter yourself, you are not my father. You’re just a pathetic cougar-hunter who charmed my mom when my real dad passed away. Then you just rode his coat-tails and stole away his legacy.”
Now Steve, who’s going to believe that? You’re a nobody, a miserable pile of secrets. Pity, the council went too easy on you. “Bet they’d love to know that you’re manipulating the story now. First spiking Erwin’s water and then bringing him here.” “Nyaha, anyone ever tell you that you have beautiful eyes.” “..Point is, Trey, you’re up crap creek without a paddle.”
Au contraire, Stevie boy, the council worships me. But just as a precaution, I’ve completely locked them out of this. You’re dealing with the Master. You have been weighed, you have been measured, and you have been found wan- “I like turtles!”
In hindsight, I probably put more alcohol than I should have into his drink. “Yeah, whatever. Soon as I get outta here, I’m gonna beat the stupid from you.” Good luck with that. Now I’ll just put the narration into my droid’s system while I set up your doom. Adieu, mon idiots.
“I hate that guy with a passion,” Steve muttered to Doctor Whooves.
“Oh, we can acknowledge him now? Good, I was sick of worrying if the council was gonna haunt us if we mentioned them,” the doctor replied.
The gang of miscreants were still in the town square of Ponyville, yet to plot a course of action. Erwin, despite being more drunk than a Scottish sailor, was enjoying his new fan club. All the mares in the vicinity clung around him, only Pinkie Pie and Twilight stood back with raised eyebrows.
“Nyaha, all the hotties, to my right for makeouts! All the stallions, to my left for hoof bumps! I.. am.. Erwin!” the intoxicated accountant pony shouted triumphantly. His albino coat somehow glistened in the sunlight and dazzled his followers.
“I don’t even.. Steve, what do we do? Erwin’s out of his mind, your dad-” “He’s not my dad!” “Fine, Trey is plotting against you, and we still don’t know what to do,” Twilight said in exasperation.
Pinkie suddenly bounced out of her stupor and waver her hooves wildly. “Ooo! Pick me, oo oo ooo! Pick me!”
The doctor sighed. “What is it, Pinkie?”
“Let’s use this!” she responded cheerfully. Out of nowhere, Pinkie unearthed a ghastly-looking machine. It was vaguely similar to a mini-gun, but equipped for hooves. She stroked the barrel daintily. “It’s a plot device, but I call her Sasha.”
“Pinkie, we don’t have time for this,” Steve angrily replied.
She giggled. “Just watch, silly.” Before Steve could protest more, Pinkie pushed a button on ‘Sasha.’ It began to whir quietly, but slowly amplified and rumbled about. Pinkie was still holding onto it and said, her voice now reverberating, “Heeeeerrrrreeeee weeeeee goooooo!” At that last word, an oven bell dinged and a piece of toast popped out of the device.
Whooves, Twilight, and Steve face-hooved at the same time. “Pinkie, how is this going to help us?” Twilight asked.
“Lookie look!” Pinkie exclaimed and shoved the toasted bread into Twilight’s face. “It has a message on it!”
The doctor raised his eyebrows. “Toast that gives advice? Sweet Molestia, this day keeps getting stranger and stranger.”
Twilight gently pushed Pinkie’s hoof out of the way and examined the toast. Sure enough, there was a note emblazoned upon it. She read out loud, “To the Everfree Forest you must go, in order to defeat your fears and foe. A mighty weapon you will see, the element of insanity.”
“What?! Cute rhyme and all, but what?!” Steve cried out.
“It’s simple, we kill the Batm- I mean, we find the seventh element, nyaha,” Erwin interjected, still being mobbed by his crowd.
“The seventh element? This is huge! Why didn’t we know about it before?” Twilight quizzed Erwin.
Pinkie jumped in between them. “Because no pony ever needed it before. It’s time to save the day!”
“Pinkie, the Everfree Forest is enormous, how will we find it?” Whooves asked.
A spark of realization ignited in the center of Steve’s pupils. His face paled and he whispered, “I know where it is.”
Literally everypony, even those in rapture of Erwin, turned their attention to him. “How do you-” Twilight started to ask, but paused when Steve held up a hoof.
“It was an ol’ bedtime story my pops told me growing up. I had completely forgotten about it. Until just now when something clicked. I remember. That cheesy tale he always told me is exactly what’s going on now,” he explained.
It was eerily silent for a moment. “Dude, that makes no sense,” Pinkie stated.
“Well, does that mean you know what will happen from now?” Twilight asked.
Steve shook his head. “Unfortunately no, but he retold the buildup to screw around with me. Said we needed to finish the story in one setting and that he didn’t know how it would end yet. It was always this particular point where the ponies.. us.. would go to find the seventh element.”
Erwin’s ear twitched. “Wait wait wait. We’re talking about a story of the story that we’re in right now?” he asked. Erwin mulled this over and then nodded to a select few of his group. “We have to go deeper.”
They nodded in return and suddenly formed into a whole brass ensemble. BRRNNNN BRRNNNNNN!
Whooves looked like he was going to drop multiple expletives from surprise. However, Pinkie nudged his side and said, “Don’t worry, the top stops spinning. Trust me.”
“We’re getting off-track again, everypony, focus!” Twilight exclaimed. “Steve, where do we go then to find the seventh element?”
Steve gazed off into the distance. He pointed a hoof northward and quietly responded, “The cliffs of insanity.”
“Dun dun dunnnnnnnnnn!”
Meanwhile, in a far off undisclosed location, a droid was commanded by his master to revert to narrating their own status. Log entry 0991N, Master Treyson and Droiden.
“So how are those little twits doing, Droiden?” Master Treyson asked.
Expected results, your highness. They are on their way to a location known as ‘The Cliffs of Insanity.’ The droid (we robots must refer to ourselves in third-person) looked over at the-
“Ah ah ah, no revealing of my glorious visage yet. We must make my appearance even more dramatic,” Master Treyson stated. “Anything else going on? Actually, forget that question, it doesn’t matter. Soon, little Steve will have what’s coming to him. Now, continue narrating and make sure that I am not interrupted. The ritual is very delicate.”
Yes, Master Treyson. His highness returned to his private quarters while Droiden accessed the correct input. The droid looked back to see if he truly left. Prick. “What was that?” Nothing!
The Fine Five (Steve, Twilight, Doctor Whooves, Pinkie, and Erwin) were now minutes away from reaching their destination. They had already traveled quite a way through the Everfree Forest. Luckily, Pinkie was able to convince Erwin’s legion that it was too dangerous and that they should instead prep a welcome back party for afterwards.
Steve mused about his father’s story more and more as they trotted. Twilight glanced over at him and asked, “So.. whatever happened to your parents?”
“Bit of a personal question, don’tcha think?” Steve replied.
“Oh, c’mon Steve, it’s not like she’s asking how big your *HIC!* is,” Erwin said, hiccuping a tad.
Whooves rolled his eyes. “You really need to sober up, mate. But he does have a point, I was wondering about them, too.”
“..alright. Basically, they met each other in a forest much like this one. My real father was starting his career with the council and was looking for inspiration. My mother was on her daily hunt when they encountered. He was captivated by her. She was repulsed of him. Badabing badaboom, I’m born.”
Pinkie cocked her head to the side, confused. “Your parents were human too, right?”
“Nope. Dad was a dragon and Mum was a cougar,” Steve answered.
Everypony except Steve collapsed from befuddlement (Erwin as well, even though his was due to feeling tipsy.) “I thought you said you were normal, that’s nuts!” Whooves proclaimed.
“I thought you were joking when you said Trey was a cougar-hunter!” Pinkie shouted.
Twilight rubbed her temples. “This makes no sense! I thought I knew genetics!”
“I thought Istanbul was Constantinople!” Erwin stammered.
Steve sighed. “Okay, quick summary answers. What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. Outer-species relationships were all the rage, along with pre-modified children in a lab. My father died in a freak time-blender accident when I was 8, he was completely vaporized. My mom was in mourning when Trey manipulated her and they sent me off that academy. And Erwin... that’s nobody’s business but the Turks'.”
Pinkie scratched her head. “I guess all of that means we’re here.”
Twilight raised herself up. “The Cliffs of Insanity? What makes you say that?”
Pinkie glanced at the nearby rocky crags and listened to the echoing waterfall. She shrugged her shoulders and responded, “Lucky guess?”
The quintet regathered and marched up the hill. When they reached the peak, they marveld at the view before them. A vast chasm spread between them and a large waterfall. With foliage and sunlight, it may have been beautiful. Alas, it was anything but that. The atmosphere and mist from the waterfall darkened the surroundings and left everything in a dull gray.
“Now what?” questioned Whooves. “Isn’t that element contraption supposed to be here?”
“Heck if I know, but I bet I could get some mad crazy echoes from down there,” Erwin stated. He took in a deep breath.
Twilight rushed over to try and stop him. “Wait, Erwin, there might be a-” “WALRUS!” he shouted, his voice resonated through the abyss.
“-monster. Great, now you probably wok-” “RAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!”
A monstrous roar deafened the heroes. The fog increased around them as well as changing into a deep hue of violet. “Huh, looks like we got some purple haze,” suggested Doctor Whooves.
“Nah, more like smoke on the water, nyaha,” Erwin joked.
A resounding yet recognizable voice pierced the air. “And now, little Stevie, you die!” Treyson yelled from within the fog.
A ghostly apparition, very similar-looking to the Grim Reaper, swooped down upon Steve. He was about to shout in surprise, but the phantom slipped into his throat. Steve’s whole body shuddered violently from the new intrusion. His eyes glazed over and he collapsed onto the ground. “Just hang on for a sec, everypony, Trey’s doing a stupid possession thing, BRB,” Steve whispered before he slipped into unconsciousness.
Pinkie tried slapping him back into reality. “Steve! Wake up, darnit, I still need to give you a party!” Pinkie franticly shouted. However, the slaps were only bruising his face and not accomplishing anything.
“Pinkie, calm down! He’s only asleep, let me use a spell to show what’s happening in his head,” Twilight said as she pulled her friend away from Steve. She knelt down beside him, her horn now glowing its’ trademark violet aura. A translucent bubble soon formed above them, showing a confused Steve wandering in an empty warehouse.
“Ooo! Is this the new ‘Transformers 42: This Time It’s Personal’?! Schaweet, I hope they kill LaBeouf finally!” Erwin excitedly said. He whipped out a bag of popcorn and reclined back to watch.
Whooves blankly stared at him. “Erwin, there’s something wrong with you,” he said flatly.
“Shh!” Twilight hushed. All of them quieted down and watched as Steve’s dream continued.
“Alright, Trey, ya giant putz, let’s get this over with!” Steve called out. He had been walking aimlessly for several minutes looking for his antagonist. So far the only response were the clacks of his hooves against the concrete floor.
A sinister chuckle rang out quietly. "Stevie Stevie, it can't be that quick. Haven't you figured it out? Your slow, poetic death will be my coup de grace, my crowning jewel, my-"
"Skidmark on the underwear of literature?" Steve asked sardonically.
"You think you're so clever, huh? That'll make this even sweeter. Time to face your inner demons, Stevie," Treyson challenged.
A spotlight revealed a small, young boy. He was very frightened and clutched his knees, sitting more and more compactly. Steve rolled his eyes and shouted, "Real original, Trey, this has never been done before. Kid, I'm you and you're me. We Steve, he Stupid."
The little boy smiled slightly at the joke. His expression changed instantly when he looked over Steve's shoulder. "Look out!" he cried.
Steve turned his head around to see a faint ghost-beast. It snarled at them and readied itself to pounce. "Nope, not falling for that either. HIT ITS’ WEAK POINT FOR MASSIVE DAMAGE!" Steve shouted before slamming his front hooves into its' face. It whimpered in pain and evaporated away. Steve looked back at the kid version of himself and smiled. He pulled out two pairs of sunglasses, placing a set on himself and one on the kid. "Looks like this ghost's... been busted."
The kid started laughing happily. His frame glowed brightly in a golden hue, fading away entirely. "Bah! Enough of your childish antics, let's see how you handle this!" Trey shouted.
"C'mon punk, I can do this all day. You still gotta show yourself for a beating as well! What's up next? More memories? Ghost babies? Maybe a-" "REEEEIIIIIIT!" a high-pitched shriek interrupted Steve's joking. He glanced upwards at the ceiling and witnessed true horror.
A skeletal banshee glared down at him. Its' blood-red eyes matching the bleeding muscle tissue that was exposed. The banshee's claws destroyed the concrete that it held onto. But all of this wasn't what terrified Steve. It was when it spider-walked rapidly toward him. For those not familiar with spider-walking, it's much like those crab crawls that gym teachers obsess about. Except spider-walking involves grotesque limb movement, freakish head positioning, and all-around crap-your-pants scary (e.g. the girl going down the stairs in 'The Exorcist'..no, I'm not looking it up for you, got enough trippy thoughts from that as it is.)
"NononononononnononononononononononononononononononoNO!" Steve screamed while galloping away in panic. The banshee continued the pursuit, unleashing howls of rage. Steve looked around wildly; the paths went on and on with no exit in sight.
The banshee leapt out in front of Steve, forcing him to stop just inches away. "It's been fun, Steve, but this is where your story ends. Au revoir," Treyson hissed. Steve cowered before his doom, the banshee raising its' arms.
"NOOOOOOO!!!" a new voice shouted. The tip of a blade impaled through the banshee's chest. It gasped for air and tried to scream again, but the fatal wound caused it to collapse. A shadowy white outline quickly crossed over the banshee and lightly touched Steve. "No time, we go now," it whispered urgently.
Before Steve could ask any questions, the two teleported out of the dream. Treyson was left in shock over the sudden change. "EEERRRRRRRAA-"
"-AAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!" Master Treyson roared. "I WAS SO CLOSE! Then that.. that.. GAGH! Droiden!" he yelled, his voice dripping with anger.
Yes, your highness?
"It's time we get our hands dirty! Program the AI to monitor the 'heroes', you're coming with me to see the council!" Master Treyson snarled.
What are we going to do, my liege?
"I, my stupid robot, am going to destroy the stereotype! Once I speak with the council, there's one thing left for that cretin and that whole cosmos of ponies.. Extermination!"
Steve suddenly woke up, his friends were gathered close with looks of concern. He swallowed nervously and whispered, "That was messed up."
"It's alright, chum, I think that shut down Treyson," Whooves consoled.
Pinkie looked up to notice another pony nearing the group. "What are you doing here, Mr. Waddle?"
The rest of them lifted their heads at the older pony. He staggered a bit, but said, "That was the last of my old magic, Steve. Make sure it's not in vain."
Erwin's eyes widened completely. "Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh!" he repeated, wholly dumbstruck.
"What is it, Erwin?!" Twilight frustratingly asked.
Steve pushed himself up and cantered over to the strange pony. He paused a moment before headbutting the daylights out of Mr. Waddle. Twilight's, Whooves', and Pinkie's jaws plummeted down from the action.
"It's good to see you too, Dad."
"OH MY CLIFFHANGER!"
"Shut up, Erwin."
Holy crap, you finally shut up!
Master Treyson rocketed through the halls of the Academy. The rage he currently felt fueled his energy and added a fiery determination to his eyes. His robot assistant, Droiden, followed closely behind. However he became distracted by the innumerable potraits of Treyson adorning the walls. Trying to compensate for something?
"When this is all over, Droiden, I'm turning you into a toaster oven!" Treyson yelled. He continued his mad dash of insanity until they reached the giant oak doors of the council room. Treyson pounced at the obstacle and barged into his objective.
The counselors all gasped at the intrusion. "Master Treyson! What are you doing here? Aren't you writing another masterpiece?" one of the counselors asked.
"As fun as it would be telling you what's going on, I don't have time for this. Oh what an As Siam!" Treyson chanted. All of the counselors' eyes glazed over and their faces became emotionlessly stupid. "Good, now I have your full attention." . You know that old wizard was screwing you with that phrase, especially when you say it slow like that. "Quiet!" Treyson scolded the droid.
He returned his attention to the council. "Alright you clowns, listen up. My stepson is making a mockery of my life's work and I don't appreciate it. Not one bit," Treyson snarled. "Starscream, I need your fleet to mobilize in Ponyville. Waldo, we're gonna use your distraction skills. Bebop and Rocksteady... you two actually will stay, you're pretty worthless. Mighty Ducks, we'll let a catchy theme song. Our mission: Destroy that miserable dimension and annihilate Steve!"
One counselor shook his head, trying to get out of the daze. His hood fell down, revealing a volleyball for a head. "Nnngghhh, but why? It's nuts to go there with the change we'll undertake to pony physiology. Besides, Steve is righting his wrongs and you are ove-" Counselor Wilson managed to protest, but was cut off by Treyson.
"Oh what an Ah Siam!" he recited. Droiden chuckled, the idiocy that Treyson didn't recognize the sta- "Silence, bolt-bucket!" Wilson's struggling ceased and he reverted to the previous stupor. "There won't be any problems! I've completed a spell that will keep us normal, that way we don't attack each other. Now.. any questions?"
"Nooo," the counselors replied in monotone.
"Good. Now my minions, we end this," Treyson growled. He prowled out of the council-room, his paws moved with enraged excitement. He whispered, "Soon, Steve... very soon."
Okay, screw drama, Treyson's a lion. "Dangit, Droiden!" Makes sense, right?
AI MODE ENABLED
"Not exactly a proper way to say hello, son," Steve's dad (aka Mr. Waddle) stated, rubbing the bruise on his head.
Steve snorted. "Compared to the your goodbye- 'Go see what I did in the bathroom,'- I think this was called for, Draco," he retorted, holding back from kicking his dad.
"Do you think that I knew that was going to be the last time I saw you? I had no idea that blender was going to explode!" Draco muttered. He was becoming just as angry as Steve, but he breathed deeply to calm himself down. His stringy mane clung to his head from sweat in the dream exertion.
Steve shook his head. "We thought you were dead! Why didn't you come back? Why live in secrecy?! Didn't you want us?!" Steve yelled. Years of pent-up, unresolved anger were bubbling up to his memory. He placed himself directly inches from Draco's face. "Didn't you?!?"
They kept eye contact and remained silent for several minutes. The other ponies stood awkwardly before Twilight interjected, "We'll give you some privacy. C'mon, everypony."
Pinkie and Whooves slowly followed her, exchanging concerned glances. Erwin was busy still munching on his popcorn and watching the argument. Twilight grabbed his mane and pulled him away. He yelped, "Owowowow I want to see them fight!"
When the two were alone, Draco faltered his glare. "I'm sorry... Believe me, I never meant to hurt you and your mother. Man, she was such a cougar, rawrr-"
“Burn it all, Dad, focus!” Steve chided.
Draco blinked away his daydream. “Sorry ‘bout that. The truth is I tried everything to get back. Somehow that explosion had vaporized me here with almost all of my old power gone. Plus, I looked like this, so life wasn’t exactly a treat here either. Steve... I missed you, son,” he softly replied. They stood there, watching each other without a word said.
Steve finally broke the silence. “Look... I-” "OH SHIZ ALERT! OH SHIZ ALERT! AWOOOOGA! AWOOOOOOGAAAAA!” Erwin loudly interrupted.
“Dangit, Erwin, calm down for just a second! What’s going?!” Steve angrily questioned the nutter. Instead of properly answering, however, Erwin kept imitating an alarm and pushed Steve’s face upwards. “Oh... that’s cause for concern.”
The current concern was the new addition to the previously clear sky: more flying deathships than you could shake a stick at. “Deathships. Deathships EVERYWHERE,” Erwin announced, pointing a hoof at the machine decorated sky.
Twilight, Pinkie, and Doctor Whooves galloped to the summit where the other three were. The doctor’s eyes widened enormously and he shouted, “MOTHER OF CELESTIA! What did you do?!”
Pinkie squinted at one of the larger ships. “Who’s that?”
“Prepare for trouble!” a black-coated lion yelled from atop the flagship. Treyson’s black mane flowed wildly in the wind, revealing his crazed eyes.
“Make it doub-” “ENOUGH DROIDEN!” Treyson furiously shouted as he swatted his robot assistant down into the chasm. “One down, all of you to go! It’s kill one, kill them all extermination extravaganza! Bwahhahhahaha!” he cackled.
“I almost forgot how big of an idiot you are, Trey,” Draco called up to him.
Treyson’s right eye twitched madly. He stomped a paw brutishly on a button panel. The thrusters reversed and his ship lowered closer to the heroes. He sneered. “Well if isn’t ol’ Draco, back from the dead as a pathetic pony. You’ll wish you had stayed six feet under. Ready the weapons!” Treyson shouted.
At his command, the underside of the flagship revealed dozens of rockets. Steve shook Twilight out of her stupor. “Quick! Use your magic to stop those missiles!”
She nodded and focused her attention at the ship. her horn glowed brightly for a moment, but somehow flickered out like a candle. She blinked in confusion and woefully responded, “It’s not working! I can’t use my magic!”
“You can thank me for that, fools!” Treyson roared. He dangled a small iron ring from his claw. “This little trinket will make sure that none of your magic will interfere with my plans. Enough talk though, it’s death time! FIRE ZE MISSILES!”
The rockets ignited and propelled toward Steve and company. Time seemed to slow for him as a sudden realization came to here. In that short moment, he had a million thoughts occur in his head. Most notably, that he would die around friends. Friends.. the word seemed so alien to him. These ponies that had brought him so much trouble, yet a whole new adventure. They had become those closest to him, both figuratively and literally. In addition to that, he was finally reunited with his father. Resentment aside, he knew deep down that he loved his dad. That he cared for him as well as Pinkie, Twilight, Whooves, and even Erwin. The missiles neared closer and closer, fixing on one central point. Steve recognized this and shoved his comrades back down the hill. He gulped and jumped into the barrage of missiles.
The first detonation sparked a reaction of the remaining rockets, several chaining back to slightly damage the flagship. It buckled from the impact and Treyson struggled to hold onto his position. A thick smoke enveloped the area, but soon started to dissipate. Draco was the first back up the hill. He searched desperately for his son, but his efforts only uncovered a pony shaped crater where the rockets were targeted. “Steve! NOOOOO!!!!” he cried out.
Treyson gripped onto the command rail and pulled himself up. He coughed and laughed painfully. “At last! That insufferable welp is finally dead! Ohhohohoho, I have waited long for this moment and your grief is only adding to how sweet it really is.”
Twilight and Pinkie hugged Draco, comforting themselves only as much as they were comforting him. Even Erwin and Whooves were at a loss for words, their friend Steve was gone. “It can’t be, he can’t be gone!” Draco shouted sadly.
“Believe it, Draco! His story is over and there’s nothing you can do about it. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna level the rest of this disgusting land while you stay here crying like little babies. Toodles!” Treyson responded. He waved while the fleet started flying toward Ponyville. “Alright ya stupid ducks, let’s hear that triumphant theme song!”
“Master Treyson’s a big idiot, Master Treyson’s a big idiot, Master Treyson's a big idiot, song courtesy of Droiden!” the Mighty Ducks sang monotonically.
Treyson scowled. “I hate that robot.”
As the ships flew away, Twilight formed a plan. “We have to get to Canterlot and warn everypony about this!”
“And then what? Look at all that, Twilight, there’s nothing we can do!” Erwin flatly stated.
Pinkie Pie suddenly pulled out a military helmet and shoved it onto Erwin's head. “Pull yerself together, maggot! Those big meanies wanna destroy Equestria, but we’re gonna stop them!”
Twilight nodded. “Exactly, the Princesses can help and we can gather the Elements of Harmony.”
“As long as Treyson has that wonky anti-magic doodad, we can’t do much of anything!” Whooves replied.
“Enough!” Draco shouted. He pushed himself up and gazed in the direction of Canterlot. “We have to try. For Steve.. c’mon, we don’t have much time.”
The other ponies nodded and galloped quickly toward the capital. Twilight and Pinkie took up the lead, Whooves in the middle, and Erwin and Draco in the back. “Wait, what about that story that you always told Steve?” Erwin asked.
Draco raised an eyebrow in puzzlement. “What story?”
“You know, that one about right now and finding the Element of Insanity. Where is it?” the accountant questioned. “He said you knew about the ending.”
“Erwin, I have no idea what you’re talking about. I never told him any stories like that.”
“Great, that’ll make sense,” a dapper fellow mumbled to himself. He scratched his magnificent chin scruff in thought. The gent reclined back further on his chair, staring at his latest writing. He rubbed the bridge between his eyes. “How am I gonna pull this off?”
At that moment, a familiar green pony exploded into his room. The gent was surprised by the sudden change and fell out of his chair. Finally, he and Steve locked eyes. “AAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!” they both screamed. This kept up for several minutes before they ran out of breath and started coughing.
“You’re...*cough *... are you really... Steve?” the fellow asked.
Steve’s jaw dropped. “How do you know my name? Am I dead? Oh man, I’m dead, aren’t I? This sucks!”
The fellow shook his head. “No, you’re not dead. Well, I don’t know if I’m really sane enough to tell you that though. You did just explode into my room.”
Steve’s eyes shrank to pinpricks. “Wait... ohmygawd, you’re-”
“Shhh shh shh! Don’t say it, the universe might implode,” the fellow replied. “It looks like we have a little problem, my friend.”
“A little problem?! Treyson just rocketed me into oblivion, he’s probably attacking Ponyville now, and nothing’s making sense anymore!” Steve retorted.
The gent ran a hand through his hair. “I can explain.”
“Just answer me this... why?!”
“...I just... look. I may have had a hand in the beginning, but all of you still had the choice to go and do what you pleased. I never meant for this to happen,” he explained.
Steve shook his head in disagreement. “You shouldn’t have ever messed with us. What do you have to say for yourself?”
The gent remained quiet for a moment. “Steve, I know what I did was wrong. Back then I didn’t have a clue where this was going. Then suddenly, there was vigor within your universe. A whole new remarkable spark. Sure, a lot of things don’t make sense now, but isn’t that what life is? It’s one big ‘haha, what?’ that never ends and sometimes we just gotta accept that and make the best of it. I’m sorry.. but I do have a solution.”
“And what might that be?” Steve asked, still cynical of the whole situation.
The gent retrieved a black velvet bag from behind his chair and tossed it to him. “This will help you defeat Treyson. Go ahead, take a peek.”
Steve reluctantly caught the bag and looked within. His eyebrow raised and his skeptical attitude returned. “This? This will help me?”
“Listen, I know you’ve barely met me, but I’ve known you your whole life. That questioning personality of yours was always a pain in the butt. However, it’s brought you here now. All of this has to mean something. And I know you’ll discover that.. if you just trust me,” the fellow replied.
Steve pondered over this. He sighed deeply and said, “Okay, let’s do this.”
“That’s the spirit. Now hang on tight, I’m gonna beam you back into your proper place,” he explained. He scribbled a few things down and after a while, Steve began to glow.
“Hey,” Steve beckoned.
The gent looked back at him. “Yes?”
“Thanks WeirdBeard,” he whispered before being teleported out of the room.
The author was left alone in his room once again, the story back in his lap. “I’m gonna get so much crap for this.”
“Incoming mortars!” Erwin shouted. He pulled his friends back into the makeshift trenches before they were injured by the explosion. Erwin pushed his helmet back onto his head and surveyed the warzone. The pegasi were keeping many of the warships occupied with tornados, but a good number continued the bombing runs. The princesses had destroyed a few of the smaller ships by sheer force, but a jerk-off in red and white was currently stealing their attention. The unicorns and earth ponies were busy launching anvils and other heavy objects from rigged planks. Unfortunately, the battle was not going in their favor.
Treyson's ship maintained an overlooking position. He chuckled loudly. "At last, my masterpiece is coming together! Victory is mine!" he hollered.
Twilight lowered her head, an emotional breakdown beginning to overtake her. "I can't believe this! My magic's not working, the Elements of Harmony are missing, what do we do?!"
Draco grasped her shoulders. "You have to be strong! We can't give Trey this satisfaction, there has to be something else we can do."
They looked to one another in hopes of an idea, but their sullen expressions proved otherwise. A loud crack of thunder echoed above them. They searched the sky for the source, but only the still intact deathsips filled their sights. Except for that tiny, black storm cloud.
Steve's eyes readjusted from the blinding teleport. The wind whipped furiously around his frame as he free-fell from the high altitude. "Crapcrapcrapcrapcrap!" he yelled in surprise.
He finally breathed and realized he was above Ponyville and the deathship fleet. The bag given to him was still firmly clutched in his hoof. Steve opened it up quickly and grasped the contained item. "I hope this works!" he screamed and put on the mask. At first nothing happened, but Steve felt something inside of him change.
Treyson's ship descended to Draco's level. The carnage all around had left everyone exhausted and injured. A momentary standstill was in effect for both sides except for Treyson and Draco. "It's been real. It's been fun. But it hasn't been real fun, old friend. Goodbye," he snidely said. A giant laser cannon unsheathed from the cockpit and began charging.
Draco's face drained from fear, but he noticed a strange twinkle high above him. "No way," he uttered. A sudden explosion rocked the hull of Treyson's ship, something had punched clean through.
He stumbled onto his command rail. The black lion angrily searched the sky for the source. "WHAT?!"
"Awwww yeeeeeaaahhhh!" Steve proclaimed triumphantly. The hero was now wearing a golden luchador wrestling mask and was actually FLYING. "Guess who's back!"
Pinkie stared up at him. "Ohhhh.. the element of insanity is a luchador mask. That makes sense!" she excitedly reasoned. Erwin raised an eyebrow at her.
"Andale pues!" Steve shouted. He jettisoned through the battle torn sky and crippled the remaining deathships. The resulting damage caused them to explode out to orbit, Steve flying in epic fashion from the flames. In another universe at a different time, Micheal Bay just shed a tear.
Treyson's ship was losing altitude, alarms blaring from within the interior. He kept his hold on the railing, cursing all the while, "No! NO! NOOOOO! I HATE YOU SO MUCH, STEVE!" His ranting produced nothing however other than having to bail from his ship before it crash-landed. He brushed himself off and watched Steve land in front of him.
"Que honda microond- *cough* Ahem! Sup stupid? Ready for the beat down of a lifetime?! Steve questioned his nemesis.
Treyson produced a disapproving tsk. "So you found the Element of Insanity, big whoop! You won't stop the completion of my masterpiece!"
By this point the two were surrounded by ponies and the last survivors of the council. The current argument had garnished their curiosity and they proceeded to watch Treyson and Steve. The two circled each other as opponents in a match. "You keep going on about that, why?! It's over!" Steve replied.
"That's what you think you miserable twit. I have been in control of this ever since Draco's "accident". Do you really believe that wasn't on purpose? I tried to kill him, but somehow his stupid dragon magic saved him. I replaced the council's will with my own, they were my puppets this whole time. All of this I have done for my perfect legacy!" Treyson shouted.
The continuing revelations caused everyone around them to mutter to one another. "You've screwed around enough, Trey. You're finished," Steve replied coolly.
"No Steve, it is you who will be defeated!" Treyson madly screamed. He pulled a dagger out of his mane and pounced at Steve.
"Steve, look out!" Twilight shouted.
However, Steve remained perfectly still with cool composure. He reeled his hoof back and punched upwards. The raw power rippled through the air, shattering Treyson's blade and knocking him back down. Surprise washed over his face as Steve cantered towards him. He smiled and said, "I hope you're ready for how awesome and insane this is gonna be."
Steve grabbed Treyson and rocketed high into the air. Erwin started pumping his hoof and chortled madly. "Yesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyes, FINISH HIM!"
Treyson's screams were drowned out by the wind-speed. Steve closed his eyes and reversed their ascend into a downward spiral. That's right, he was gonna do the craziest move ever. A FREAKIN' SPINNING PILE-DRIVER!
The insane speed of their descent caused flames to build around them as they neared closer and closer to the ground. For several ponies, the awesome was just too much to handle and they immediately passed out. However, for the brave souls that continued to watch, they would only be able to recount the event at later times in one word: LEGENDARY.
Steve slammed Treyson into the ground, a massive crater and dust-cloud formed from the impact. It took several minutes before it was visible again, but soon the ponies witnessed Steve emerge from the rubble. He raised a hoof, holding a tiny snow globe. "TA DA!"
A deafening cheer sounded forth from everyone, Treyson's tyranny was finally over. They surrounded Steve and lifted him above their heads. "Let's hear it for Steve!" Pinkie shouted.
In response the crowd began to chant, "Steeeeveeee! Steeeeveeee! Steeeveeee! HOORAY!"
The party continued on throughout the night, many accounts of the battle being retold once more. Steve excused himself from all the attention and trotted to an empty field. The clean-up of Ponyville was already completed by the council, their freedom sprouting forth unceasing kindness. Steve stared up at the beautiful night sky, the stars seemingly twinkling in corresponding celebration. "Hey."
Steve turned around to see his father and his friends approaching. "You did amazing today, son. I'm proud of you," Draco said with a smile.
"Thanks Dad. Thanks to all of you, too, I couldn't have done it without you," Steve replied, grinning at his friends.
"Aw shucks, chum, it was cutting close there, but it all turned out alright," Whooves responded.
Erwin simply smiled and bro-hoofed Steve. "Thank you, my friend."
"Yeah, this was a terrific adventure after all!" Pinkie shouted, hugging Steve.
Twilight trotted closer to them with a smile. "I'm glad you found your dad, too. Thanks, Steve," she said and lightly kissed his cheek. D'awwwwwwwwww.
Her face scrunched in confusion. "One thing that I've been trying to figure out is this whole narration thing. If Treyson's contained in that snow globe and his spells are completely broken, then who's still keeping this going?"
Steve thought for a moment before responding. "Ya know.. I think the important part is that we have each other. Besides, even if a LOT of this didn't make sense, we still got a happy ending. Now c'mon, let's get some cake!"
His friends let out a cheer and they cantered back to the party. Steve hung behind and glanced at the night sky one more time. "Thanks... I owe you one," he whispered before trotting away. "Oh, one last thing."
Steve turned and stared through your computer screen. Yes, YOUR computer screen. "Good night, good luck, and...well, you know the rest."
All was well in Ponyville. Not a single mishap had troubled the town in quite some time. However, our dashing hero of brown hair and an hourglass cutie mark was having conundrums of his own.
“Hey!” Doctor Whooves shouted, glaring at the clear blue sky . There were no pegasi above him nor anything that would be warranting his attention . Had the good doctor finally snapped? “Stop that, I’m talking to YOU!” he yelled onc- ”OY!”
Ehhnnn, what’s up, Doc?
“I thought I told you to stop narrating my life,” stated the stupid ol’ hors - “Stop it!”
Hey, I’m not in charge, I just work here .
“What’s that supposed to mean?” asked the doct - “Seriously, cut the crap. I already know all the things you’re saying, why are you regurgitating this pointless babble? I’m the only pony who can hear you anyway.”
Whatever helps you sleep at night.
The stallion furrowed his brow in anger. “I swear, if I ever find you, I’m mounting your corpse in my trophy case.”
I mounted your mother last night.
“BUCK YOU!” the good doctor cried out. By this point, he was seething and absolutely enraged.
I love you, too! Uh oh, ya better look normal because here comes company!
“bloodysonuva” Doctor Whooves muttered before a familiar lavender unicorn approached him.
“Good morning! How are you today, Doctor?” Twilight Sparkle inquired. The doctor was still fuming, but was instantly tamed by the sultry form of the femme fatale.
“Oh, I could be better, somepony’s spreading lies about me,” the stallion responded with frustration. He glanced irritatingly at the sky once more before turning his attention to her.
“That’s terrible!” Twilight replied in genuine concern. "Is there anything I can do to help?”
He shook his head in regards to his current circumstance, knowing that he couldn’t tell anypony about it without appearing to be insane. ‘I’ve had about enough of this narrating clown,’ the doctor thought and suddenly raised his eyebrows in realization. ‘YOU CAN READ MY THOUGHTS, TOO?!’
Surprise! Isn’t this fantastic?! It makes bugging you even easier for me! They see me trolling, they hati-
'Shutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutup!’ Doctor Whooves repeated in his mind. Meanwhile, Twilight Sparkle was watching this spectacle of internal struggle, not really sure what to do at all.
Twilight placed a reassuring hoof on the doctor's shoulder. "Hey," she whispered, trying to gain his attention. "There's something else bothering you, isn't there?"
Doctor Whooves returned her troubled expression as their eyes locked with each other's. Suddenly, a minuscule spark reflected from the stallion's iris to the mare's. Twilight removed her hoof from the doctor, a look of confusion now masking her face. 'What?!? What did you do?!?'
I didn't do anything, stop freaking out!
Twilight cocked her head, eyeing wildly about the empty field. "Did you hear that?"
"Hear what?" he asked while trying to feign innocence. 'Stop it! You're making me look crazy!'
Pfft, you didn't need my help to do that.
Twilight jumped and exclaimed, "That! There it is again! That voice!"
'DON'T. SAY. ANYTHING.'
...
So a pony walks into a bar..
"AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!” Twilight screamed, just before passing out from shock.
That was a bit melodramatic, I didn't even get to the punchline. Maybe I should have tried the Aristocrats joke.
"You're so crass, you know that?" the doctor asked in annoyance. He examined the now unconscious unicorn, ensuring that she hadn't injured herself.
Nopony's around, she's asleep, I won't tell if you wo-
"Shut up! How can you live with yourself?"
Pretty easily, just inhale and exhale. The doctor rolled his dopey eyes and lowered his head beneath Twilight's frame. With a grunt of exertion, he maneuvered her body over his back and stumbled a few steps before adjusting.
"C'mon, make yourself useful and help me carry Ms. Sparkle."
Tsss, ooo sorry Chief, 'fraid I can' t do that. Even if I could, I would still just laugh and watch you.
Doctor Whooves grumbled, but kept silent while he trotted back to his home. Luckily it wasn't too far and wouldn't exhaust the delicate pansy. He didn't pause nor think of anything aside from his current goal. Oh doc, you're so much fun to annoy! ' Shut the buck up, fool.'
The pair arrived at his humble abode. And when I say humble, I mean a stereotypical dumpy cottage that simply fits in with the herd. Really doc, you're so unoriginal. I think I'll call this place The Brown Pony's Brown House of Brown TM.
The brown pony carried his marefriend into the threshold (rawr doc, you sly dog.). The doc rolled his eyes once more as he set Twilight onto the couch. He retreated into his petite kitchen to retrieve a damp cloth for the unicorn.
“Sweet teats of Starswirl, you are an absolute bore! Don't you have anything better to do? Somepony else to annoy?!" Doctor Hooves asked, even more irked than before.
Doc, I'm hurt! We've been through so much together! Aren’t we the best of friends now?
"Friends?! Are you nuts?!"
"Uggghhh, Doctor Whooves, is that you?"
' Wanna be my friend?! Don't speak. At all. Just let me help Ms. Sparkle and then we'll have more shenanigans.'
"Nnnngghh, what happened? Where are we?"
"You had a bit of a tumble, Ms. Sparkle. Don't worry, you're perfectly fine. As for where we are, this is my home. I would have taken you back to the library, but here was closer and didn't attract any attention."
"Just a tumble? No, there was something else. A voice! Right after I touched you I heard a voice in my head!"
"Not to be rude, but that seems a bit farfetched, my dear. Besides, that's not exactly something you want to go around admitting."
"I know it sounds crazy, but that's what happened! Call it magic static or undiscovered science, either way you shared something strange with me and now you're trying to hide it."
Oh Lordy, that's exactly what my ex-girlfriend said!
"Ah ha!"
‘Why?! Didn't I specifically tell you not to speak?!’
Sorry doc, opportunity was knocking and it was too good to pass up.
"So you hear him too, huh?! What's going on here?!" Twilight accusingly asked the stallion, shaking a hoof at "Do you mind?! I'm trying to get some answers here!"
I spy with my little eye a very grouchy pony..
" That's it, you're on the list! Listen Twilight, you have to believe me that I did NOT mean for this to happen. I still don't have a clue what's really going on, only that you're experiencing my little hell now, too."
I am Beelzebub! All bow down before..
"Shut up! How long have you had this problem?"
I resent that.
"Nopony cares! I don't know, it seems like eternity."
Forever and ever, sugar baby!
"Have you tried getting rid of it?"
You know, you two are acting rather hostile right now. Aren't you supposed to love and tolerate and all that jazz?
"That usually only applies to TANGIBLE beings. C'mon Twilight, what kind of question is that?"
"Well, why didn't you tell anypony? We could have helped you."
The doctor raised an eyebrow. "She can clearly see that! Would you have helped me if I told you that I had a voice in my head? I researched EVERYTHING and even tried a potion from Zecora."
"How did that go?"
"It made it worse."
Oh yeah, I remember that! I sounded like one of the chipmunks! I told the witch doctor I was in love with..
"Does he ever shut up?"
"Is grass blue?"
Only when it's sad, wakka wakka!
"SHUT UP!"
Okay fine, have your stupid exposition.
"Okay, let's go back to the very beginning when this first started. What triggered all of this?"
"I wish I knew, but it just happened. I was having a usual day with nothing going on and suddenly I heard him talking about me."
In my defense, I had no idea that you were going to hear me. This is a first for me as well.
"Yeah, you seem really choked up about it. Why are you still bugging us?"
"He gets some sick pleasure out of it. When he first realized I could hear him, he tried convincing me that he was a deity."
Hey, you believed me!
“You wanted me to pay you a weekly banana tribute, shave myself completely, and dance in the moonlight. Even a diamond dog wouldn’t fall for that drivel.”
“We’re going in circles here, who are you and why are you doing this?”
Yeah, I’m not gonna tell you that. This keeps me all mysterious and shiz. Like I told the doctor before, this is just my job and it’s nothing personal.
“Stop lying, what’s the real reason for all of this?”
You really want to know?
Alright... ALIENS.
“...Twilight, I am so sorry you’ve had to deal with this.”
“It’s ok, Doc, I think I have a solution to our problem. Why don’t we bring him here with a revealing spell?”
THAT IS A TERRIBLE IDEA.
“For once, I’m going to have to agree with him on this. Wouldn’t that make things worse?”
“You could finally give him a taste of his own medicine. And besides, it will only be for a moment that he’ll be here.”
“..Let’s do it.”
No no no, let’s not and say we did. Trust me, you do not want to do that.
“This idea is sounding better and better, please fire away, Twilight.”
No! Stop that right now! I take back everything! Awwwww craaaaaaa..
“OUCH! OW, THAT FREAKING HURT! IT FEELS LIKE THE UNIVERSE PUNCHED ME IN THE AORTA!”
“Mother of Celestia, what is that thing?!”
“My eyes! My eyes! What a horrid looking creature!”
“Seriously, did the nurse slap your mother when you were born?!”
“Hey, you’re not exactly hot stuff yourself, Doc!”
“I’M GONNA BEAT YOU LIKE A RED-MANED STEP-PONY!”
“OWW! THAT WAS MY GOOD KNEE!”
“Enough! Back you go!”
Hibbity jibbity! There are nowhere near enough drugs in the world to take away this pain!
“Alright, so now that we know what you look like, can we at least get your name?”
Fat chance, Sparkle, I’m not doing any favors for either of you!
There was a sudden knock at the door.
“Zip it! Let us handle this,” said Doctor Stupid. He glared at the ceiling (what a nutjob) before reaching for the door.
“Hello Doctor Whooves! Have you seen Twilight.. wait, there she is! Oh.. oohhhh.. ohhhhhhhh! I can come back later if you want.”
“Now hold it right there, Pinkie, this is not what it looks like. I was out walking and decided to take a nap in the meadow. Doctor Whooves just thought I had fainted and brought me back here for some water.”
“Yes! That’s exactly what happened, I couldn’t leave her there in that oppressive heat outside.”
“It’s a cloudy day. But don’t worry! Your secret is safe with me! Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye!”
Man, that never gets old.
“Oh hi Steve! I didn’t know you were here too!”
Crap.
“...Steve?!”
“You’re joking, right? You hear him too Pinkie?”
“Well yeah, doesn’t everypony?”
“Alright, ‘Steve’, you’ve got some fessing up to do.”
Gee whiz I would love to, but my shift just barely ended so we’re gonna have to reschedule that.
“Oh no you don’t! Don’t think I won’t bring you back here again, because I totally will!”
Next time, will we find out who this mysterious Steve is? Will any of this make sense at all? And while we’re asking questions, why the heck did the Dharma Initiative put polar bears on a tropical island?
“Beats me, even I don’t know why. That show always just answered questions with more questions.”
“Something tells me I’m going to get a giant head-ache from this.”
“You and me both.”
Tune in next time for..
“SHUT UP!”
“Same pony time! Same pony channel!”
