I no longer have a name, for I no longer need one. This is my story, and I hope it serves as a warning for others. I was human once. It is hard to remember now. I know very little of my past life, but I do remember the day that I came here. Oh yes, I remember that day vividly. It was the day that everything went wrong.
There was a man, or perhaps it was a vision, or something else. Whatever he was though, he offered me the chance of a lifetime. It had been my dream, my fantasy, my greatest desire; he offered to send me to Equestria. He had on a strange costume, with yellow contacts and a lion's paw. His cloak covered the rest. These weren't the ramblings of an insane man, though, for I knew he could do it. He offered me a contract. A contract which, to my dismay, I never read.
Why didn't I read it? I don't know. It is my greatest regret. He even said that I should, in case I found something disagreeable. I didn't listen. I just signed it. You... you can understand, right? I-I guess that all I really wanted was ponies, and how could anything associated with ponies go so bad? This wasn't just some fantasy here—this was real, live ponies! Honest-to-goodness loveable Equestrian ponies!
I-I screwed up. I really did. An now... well, he did make good on his promise. I am in Equestria... but...
I'm sorry but I'm not sure I can go on. Just give me a few minutes to compose myself, okay?
…
…
S-sorry. This subject is still very sore for me, and I want to stay calm as I retell it. I did indeed arrive in Equestria. I should have read that fine print, or any print for that matter. I really should have. I had expected to be a pony, or at least stay human, but I had no such luck. I'd have been happy to be dragon or gryphon, or even a fabulous sea serpent, but I am none of those things. Nor am I a cow, or a donkey, or even a diamond dog. I—
…
A moment please.
…
I may have missed something, but you get the point. I'm not even something that can talk. That's bad enough, but my current situation is far worse—far, far worse. I'm not a timberwolf. I'm not a cragidile. I'm not an owl or a bunny or even any other type of animal. I'm also not a parasprite, and I think I lucked out there. Those things are totally gross. At least I'd be able to fly, though—or move; moving would be nice. I might as well just go ahead and say it. I'd sigh if I could.
I am peach.
Yes, peach. Just peach, not Peach. I am a plain, ordinary peach...
I am a peach, on a peach tree, hanging out with other peaches. This is just peachy. Peach. Peach. Peach. Hmm, I wonder if the other peaches are also humans that have been transported into Equestria. I certainly hope not—there are so many of them.
It's been the same thing for several days now. Just the sun in the day, and the moon at night. I've only seen one pony so far, but she is not one that I recognize from the show. She is here again now, and dragging baskets with her. She looks very much like a peach herself. She has, well, peachy fur, a green, leafy mane and tail, and a basket of peaches for a cutie mark. She's out here alone, placing baskets under each tree. There's even a basket under, ulp, me. That can't be good. It just can't. I've seen enough Applejack episodes to know what's coming.
She is starting at the end of my row. There's a crack of her hoof against the bark, and a fwump of peaches raining down to fill her baskets. I am scared. I like my tree. Crack. Fwump. I dislike being peach, but my tree has not harmed me. Crack. Fwump. It has held me this long, and I am comforted by its strong branches. Crack. Fwump. I know I must leave eventually, but I was hoping to have more time. Crack. Fwump. I am angry, but it is a peaceful existence. Crack. Fwump. It is my time now.
I see the pony below me. I shall call her Peach Basket. To her, this is nothing more than a chore. I can see now, looking down from above, just how strong a pony can be. He muscles rippled and tensed as she lined up a buck. She might look fruity, she might look like a basket case, but she is a farmer, and she is going to ruin my life. Crack. My stem broke.
I am peach. It is my downfall.
I landed in the basket amongst other peaches. It hurt. I am bruised. I'd say that my life passed before my eyes, but I have no eyes. Nor do I have a life, it seems. The other peaches press in on me, and we remain here, waiting to be collected.
“Whew. I wish ol' Peach Cobbler were here. All this is hard work by oneself. I should take a break.”
I can see her leg through the weave of my basket. She is rummaging amongst us, looking for a victim. I am at the bottom. I will not be chosen. Her leg shifts, and she sits down. The smacking of her lips sends chills through my core. I-I'm not sure I want to think about it, but what choice do I have? She is sitting there eating—EATING—a peach. I am scared. I'm in a basket with other peaches and I know that I and my brethren will probably suffer the same fate. It hurts to think about it, but she's smacking her lips. I have no choice. I cannot stop myself.
Could I stand to be consumed raw like that? I do not think so. The thought of teeth tearing out chunks of my flesh, one bite at a time, until there is nothing left, makes me ill. I'd have to watch it all, right there in front of the mouth. The throat would move, and the mouth would open again...
I'd rather be baked. I don't want to be consumed, either way, but I'd rather be baked. Perhaps the pony who eats me will be kind, and I can die peacefully in the heat of an oven...
“Pu.” An object hit the ground. Is that the pit? “Mmm, good crop this year. Whelp, best get back to work.”
She got up and went back to bucking trees, but my attention drifted elsewhere. Been there, done that. No, I am now interested in the pit she'd spat out. I can not see it through the basket. It is a horrid, morbid curiosity. What does a skeletonized peach look like? I'm frightened and fearful. Is that going to be my fate too?
The sounds of bucking faded, and Miss Basket left. She was right about being understaffed, for she did not collect me that day. I lay here, on the ground, in a basket amongst my peers under the stars. Would a wild animal come to claim me in the night? It is possible, but I hear only the chirping of crickets. It would serve her right to have us stolen, but I do not want to be eaten by a wild animal either.
I am peach. It is my weakness.
The darkness plays against my fears. Any noise scares me. I should feel comfort amongst the peaches, but my peers offer no protection. I miss my tree. I felt safe there. Even the hooting of the owls spooks me, but I am peach, and they will not harm me. The night is long. I cannot sleep. I fear for the future.
I was human, once. Now I am peach. Could I ever return home? It must be possible, since coming here was possible too. But nobody knows of my plight. I have not seen that cloaked man. He would be my only hope for escape, but I know in my pit that he will not come. I should have read that contract.
I am peach. It is my biggest regret.
The morning came with a rooster's crow, and the pony returned. Peach Basket is not alone this time, but I can not see the other pony; I only hear voices. They are loading the baskets on a wagon, and once more I hear noises and have to await my turn. It does not take long. My basket is hefted, and the other peaches shift on top of me. With a fwump, I am placed in what I assume must be the wagon. I cannot see very well, but the weave to my side is open enough to see other baskets. They can stack on top of each other without putting weight on the peaches. That is good, for I do not think I can take much more bruising.
I have to wait again. I have to wait for the ponies to finish their chores. Why do I wait? I am peach. I have no choice. I do not like what I am waiting for, but it is far too late to change my fate now. If only I had read that contract.
The wagon lurches, and I am off. I do not like this. I am sick of ponies now. I used to love them. Their show was always the highlight of my week. Sure, there were some episodes that I didn't like, but I still enjoyed the animations and the voice acting. Seeing them in person has made them no less colorful and no less adorable, but, they're going to eat me. I just cannot get past that.
I am peach. I am edible.
The stallion who's hauling us stops in the road. He unhitches himself, and walks back to peek at his wares. I can see enough of him to know that he's brown with white hair. I do not recognize him either. He rummages in the basket, and removes an unfortunate peach. I am sorry. His munching and slurping chills me to the core. I am disgusted when he removes another. Does Peach Basket know that he's snaking on her wares? Is this part of their deal? All I know is that two more peaches were eaten. They died a horrible death.
The wagon lurches again, and we are off. The road is long, but there are no more stops for snacks. I can hear other ponies outside; we are nearing a town. The activity gets louder, and I can only assume that we're in a market. We stop. Another pony looks down on me. She is yellow, with orange hair.
“Five baskets, please,” she says.
“Fifty bits,” the stallion responds.
I am peach. It is my only value.
My basket is near the front. It is taken. While I was under other baskets before, I am on top now. She rummages through us, and throws out a rotten one. I am shifted to the top. The stallion leaves with his wagon, taking the remaining peaches to other towns, but here I remain. I do not like this. The market is full of ponies, and I am exposed at the top, ready to be sold. Hopefully, they prefer other fruit.
“Fresh peaches for sale! Fresh peaches! Three for two bits! They were just picked today!”
Liar. I was picked yesterday.
“Hey there, Carrot Top. Those aren't your usual wares.”
Wait, wait, wait. Carrot Top? I know that pony! She's a common background character. I must be in Ponyville!
“You know I sell more than just carrots,” Carrot Top said.
“Yes, I know that. But those aren't even vegetables.” A lavender mare looked in my basket.
Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh! That's Twilight Sparkle! That's really her! She's my favorite character from the show and I love her forever! I-I feel light as a feather. It's like I could just... float... I am floating. She has me in her magic.
“Yes, but peaches are hard to grow here, so shipments from the south tend to sell well. Care to try some?”
“It's tempting. Oh, sure, why not? I'll take three.” She tossed two coins on the counter.
YES! This is great! I'm being bought by none other than THE Twilight Sparkle!
“Why not buy a dozen and bake a pie?” Carrot Top asked.
“Oh no, I'm a terrible cook, and I don't have time to learn. I have to work on compiling my old friendship reports for a book, so I'll just eat these raw when I'm feeling peckish.”
Ack! No! This is terrible! She's— She's—
Twilight levitated the other two peaches into her saddlebags, but paused with me hovering before her. She's looking at me with critical eyes. Wait, this is perfect! If there's any pony that can possibly hear my plight, it's Twilight! Twilight, Twilight. Please. I'm human. You have to help me! I'm not supposed to be a fruit!
“This one looks a bit bruised.”
…
“Oh, I'm terribly sorry about that,” Carrot Top said. “Please, take another.”
…
She crushed my hopes. She betrayed me. Twilight levitated me back to the basket to exchange me for another fruit. I-I don't care any more. I should be happy, but I'm not. I'm damaged; they'll probably just throw me away. I can live out the rest of my peachiness without getting eaten. I can die in peace of old... whatever it is that peaches die from. But I wanted more from life. I'm in Equestria. It's a miracle. It's a dream. It's all useless.
I am peach. It is my sorrow.
“Wait, you can keep that one if you want,” Carrot Top said.
What?
“What?” Twilight asked.
“It's not really that badly bruised, and I'd just throw it away otherwise.”
“Oh, well thank you for your generosity then. I'm not one to pass up free food.”
WHAT!? No no no no no. I take it all back! Go back to throwing me away! I don't want Twilight to... to...
She dropped me in her saddlebags with her three other peaches. I can feel the rhythm in her step as she walks. I lightly chafe against her side. Her heart is so close to me... and, and... other organs. She—she's going to...
I am a human in Equestria. I am going home with Twilight Sparkle. I-I want to feel happy about this. I really do. Perhaps I am happy, in a way. This was my biggest, most secret wish, and now it's come true. But is this really what I wished for? I feel so scared. She's my idol, my dream mare, my—my doom. She—she's going to...
She lifted me out of her saddlebags and put me in a bowl on her table. The library was in total disarray. Spike must be away. She turned her back on me and started working on transcribing the words from her old scrolls into a book. She looks so cute sitting there. I want to hug her, to pet her, to kiss her, to be with her. Her stomach growled.
She looked at me.
I am peach. I am a human in Equestria, and I am going to be eaten by Twilight Sparkle.
HEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLP!
