When They Were Young: The Birds and the Bees

by Mr101

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Discord, Slice of Life, Alternate Universe
Length: 2718

When Discord overhears three colts talking about something called 'sex'. He does what any normal child does and asks his parents about it.

Set in the 'Youngverse'

Whilst playing with his favorite toy, Dorian, Discord overhears some local colts talking about something he doesn't understand. Like any child, he asks his parents about it and what was a seemingly normal day for Eris and Entropy is shattered with a single question.

"Mum, dad? What's sex?"

Now with a YouTube reading! Big thanks to The Architect for doing so!

Cover art from the adorable askdiscordbaby tumblr blog, go check it out!

Published 2014-01-09 20:30:03 UTC
Last updated 2014-01-09 20:30:03 UTC

When a mummy and a daddy love each other very much...

When They Were Young: The Birds and the Bees.

A tale from the Youngverse.

Discord stood authoritatively on the tip of a log that was jutting up out of the ground and gazed across the horizon. He was adorned in a pirates outfit with a comically large hat and an equally large feather sticking out from it that curled at the end. Behind him at the other end of the log was a small humanoid toy wearing a similar attire. Discord squinted his eyes as he looked over the grassy lands around them as if he was trying to find something.

“First mate, Dorian. Report.”

“Aye, Captain. We’ve been at sea for ten thousand years now and still no sign of land,” the toy replied. “Are you sure you know where you’re going?”

Discord snorted as he turned around and glared at Dorian, “Are you questioning my judgement?”

Dorian shifted and crossed his arms, “I always do.”

“Oh… what do you know you hunk of plastic?” Discord huffed and crossed his arms, returned to gazing across the area ahead of him.

Dorian shook his head as he returned his grip to the twif that was sticking out from the log which was acting as the ship’s helm. Discord snapped his fingers and a large telescope appeared before him which he grabbed and scanned the horizon with.

“Curse this… stranded at sea for so many mileno...milemia…” Discord said tried to say, “Years on end… no food… no water, and now the crew is turning on me…” Discord muttered to himself. “I must remember to keep a close eye on the first mate—”

Discord was interrupted as Dorian suddenly appeared in front of him dangling from the brim of his hat.

“OOGA BOOGA BOOGA!” Dorian shouted

“AAAHHH!” Discord shrieked in alarm and tumbled off the log.

Dorian laughed as he gently floated down to the unamused draconequus, “Gotcha.”

“Not funny, Dorian.” Discord grumbled.

“Oh I beg to differ, my young friend!” Dorian said in between laughs.

Discord glared at him but soon smirked as an idea came into his head. With a quick movement of his body, he jumped back and looked behind the small toy with a look of fear and panic before pointing in the direction he was looking.

“Dorian, look out!”

“What?!” Dorian replied and spun around.

The second he turned around, Discord crouched and pounced at Dorian, tackling the toy and rolling on the floor with him as she started to gnaw on his torso and making playful growling sounds.

“Okay, Discord okay!” Dorian shouted as he wriggled. “I yield!”

Discord sat on his rump holding the top in his claws and smirked down triumphantly at him. Dorian pushed himself up so his arms rested on the draconequus’ claws and pouted at him.

“Now we’re even,” Discord said as he stuck his tongue out.

“Yeah, yeah…” Dorian grumbled before smirking and laughing along with Discord.

Discord giggled and hugged Dorian close to his chest and smiled to himself, “Right… what do you wanna play now? We could—”

He paused when the sounds of laughter entered his ears and Discord looked around him

“Do you hear that?” he asked Dorian.

“Yeah, sounds like some colts nearby….” Dorian nudged Discord in the side gently. “Lets go prank them!”

“You read my mind,” Discord grinned before extending his arm down to the toy. “Shall we?”

“Lets,” Dorian replied as he hopped into Discord’s arms.

Discord lowered his body till it was nearly touching the ground and began to slink forwards like a snake, his back legs pushing him as his upper half floated above the ground. As he entered a large patch of grass ahead of him, he stuck the top of his tail out the top and it looked left and right before it started to make its way through the grass with a slight rustle.

Soon Discord came to the end of the large patch of grass, he parted it so just so his eyes were visible. Dorian clambered onto Discord’s hat and peered out.

Ahead of them, gathered around a stump near some trees, where three colts—a unicorn, pegasus and earth pony—who Discord recognised as some of the local teenage colts from the nearby town. Discord shrunk back slightly, feeling a little intimidated as the colts continued to laugh.

“What’s wrong, Discord?” Dorian whispered.

“N-nothing,” he replied. “Let’s just—”

“Oh man..” Discord heard one of the colts say. “And when she went down on me, she couldn’t stop making those—”

Discord squinted as he failed to hear the last part of what the colt said, he leaned his head in closer to try and listen in on the conversation again but lost his balance and stumbled out of the grass gaining the attention of the three colts.

“Wha? Oh hey, its that draconequus kid… uh, Disty?” the one who was a pegasus said.

“D-Discord…” Discord mumbled.

“Yeah, that!”

“What you doing out here?” the earth pony asked.

“W-well… I was p-playing with Dorian and—”

“Dorian?” he asked.

“Uhuh!” Discord beamed and held the toy up. “He’s one of my bestest friends. ever!”

The two colts who were furthest away snickered before shutting up as the one nearest to Discord gave them a dirty look and smiled at Discord, giving his hair a ruffle.

“I see, well… I hate to be a mean guy but, you can’t stay around here I’m afraid kiddo.”

“Why not?” Discord asked.

“Sorry, that information is for big colts ears only,” the colt smirked.

“Hey I’m a big colt!” Discord protested. “I’m even a captain of my own ship! Even if the crew is a mutinous meanie head.”

The colt raised his brow as Discord glared at Dorian.

“Don’t start that again, Dorian!” Discord growled at the toy. “Oh now that’s just being stupid.

The three colts watched in mild curiosity and confusion as Discord continued his conversation with the toy, Discord waiting patiently for a ‘reply’ from the toy before talking again. The two colts rolled their eyes and gestured to the one who had been talking to Discord.

“Hey, Steam?” the earth pony called. “Leave the dweeb will ya? I brought the goods.”

Discord looked over to see the pony pull a magazine from his saddlebag, Discord was unsure why, but it looked familiar as if he had seen it before. On the front cover was a picture of a mare winking seductively at the reader. Steam and the unicorn grinned rushed over to the earth pony who opened the magazine on the stump. The pegasus looked over to Discord and sheepishly grinned.

“Sweet!” Steam exclaimed before turning to Discord. “Sorry, Discord. You’d better just go home.”

Discord pouted and started to leave but stopped when he came to the grass and looked back, tilting his head as he stood where he was, wondering why they all looked excited and slowly made his way over.

“Told ya my big brother had a copy!” the earth pony smirked.

“Oh man, have I got a package for her!” the unicorn said.

“I’d give my left front hoof to have sex with her!” Steam added.

“What’s that?” Discord asked. "Is it in the magazine?"

The colts froze, not realising Discord hadn’t left and slowly turned to the draconequus who was looking at them with an inquisitive look. They shared a glance between one another as Steam tried to hide the magazine with his tail.

“We can’t tell you, you’re too young,” Steam replied.

“Am not!” Discord pouted and crossed his arms.

“Yeah, you are kid. Buzz off!” the unicorn snorted.

“Look, kid,” Steam said. “Why not just ask your parents that?”

“Oh yeah… why didn’t I think of—” Discord paused as he looked at Dorian. “Why would I not wanna find out? I’m a big colt and I have a right to know!”

Discord rolled his eyes as he pokes Dorian’s torso, “Oh… whatever, I’m gunna ask them. Thanks guys, later!”

The three colts watched as the draconequus disappeared back into the grass before they all returned their attention back to the magazine.

As Discord came out of the grass again, Dorian lower himself onto Discord’s shoulder poked his cheek.

“Discord, you sure you want to know?” Dorian asked

“Course I do, why wouldn’t I?” Discord replied.

“Well for starters, you’re too young.”

“I am not!” Discord grumbled, getting irritated with being told he was to young. “Why don’t you tell me then?”

“Because…” Dorian trailed rotated his hands as he tried to think of what to answer. “I got nothing… go ask your folks”

“Good, that means I win,” Discord smirked triumphantly. “And I’m gunna ask ‘em!”

Discord picked Dorian up from his shoulder as they arrived back at their house and came came to the front door.

Dorian let a soft chuckle escape his lips. “This should be good…”

When Discord returned home, he found his parents were not there. He shrugged and decided to sit around and wait for them to get back from what he assumed was the shops. As he sat on the sofa adjusting Dorian’s hat, he suddenly remembered where he had seen the magazine from earlier.

With a quick and mad like dash he ran out of the room and straight into his parents bedroom. Discord placed Dorian on the bed as he flung the wardrobe doors open and rummaged inside.

“What are you looking for, Discord?” Dorian asked as he watched the draconequus.

“I remembered where I saw that magazine from!” Discord explained. “I was rummaging in their wardrobe for my joy boy and I found it in here, but didn’t think anything of it ‘cos my gamer claw was itching. And I figured that the magazine will tell me what sex is!”

“Still not sure why you think it’s—” Dorian stopped mid-sentence and he struggled to hold a laugh back as he put two and two together.

“Found it!” Discord triumphantly declared.

Dorian struggled to hold back his laughter even more as Discord produced the exact same magazine the colts had earlier and placed it on the bed.

“You okay, Dorian?” Discord asked seeing his friend about to blow a gasket.

“I-I’m fine,” Dorian said in between little snickers. “By all means, take a peak.”

Discord shrugged and opened the magazine up with a curious grin and wagged his tail.

He immediately regretted it.

“Ewwwww!” Discord whined and stuck his tongue out, backing up a few steps. “Why are they licking there of all places?!”

Dorian lost it and fell back onto the bed howling with laughter. Discord had opened the magazine to a double page spread of two mares enjoying one anothers company.

“This isn’t funny, Dorian!” Discord glared with a scowl.

“Oh trust me! It is!” Dorian cackled.

Discord huffed as he quickly grabbed the magazine and threw it into the wardrobe again and sat on his rump. He didn’t want to look in the magazine again and even worse he still hadn’t gotten the answer to his question.

He heard the door downstairs being opened followed by footsteps entering the house and walking in.

“Muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum? Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad?” Discord shouted.

“Yes, sweetie?” Eris replied.

Discord ran as fast he could into the sitting room where he had his mother’s voice come from, coming to a screeching halt as he looked up to his parents. Eris looked down from the magazine she was reading and Entropy raised his cup of tea to his lips he had summoned.

“Mum? Dad? What’s sex?” Discord asked.

Eris stared at her son and Entropy choked on the warm liquid before spitting it out in a large stream hat shot over Discord—who only tilted his head at his father’s reaction. Dorian, meanwhile, clutched in Discord’s grip, was trying very hard not to laugh.

“W-where d-did you hear that?!” Entropy spluttered.

“Some guys from the town were talking about it,” Discord replied.

“Well you're too young!” Entropy snapped. “We’ll tell you when you’re older.”

Discord glared at his father, fed up of being told he was too young, “I wanna know NOW!”

“I said, no!” Entropy replied.

“I WANNA KNOW NOW!” Discord screamed, losing his temper.

Entropy rolled his eyes as he watched his son stomp on the floor in a tantrum. Eris slunk her way over to her husband and placed a claw on his shoulder gently.

“Honey… maybe we should give him ‘the talk’?” she said. “It’s better he gets an understanding of it now from us rather than someone else, even if it is the dumbed down one.”

“Look… are you sure? I mean he is just a colt,” Entropy said.

“Yes I know, but I’d rather he hear it from us now, rather than some other colts and be told something he shouldn’t know till he is older,” Eris replied.

Entropy sighed and rubbed his temples, “Fine… but only the foal version okay?”

Eris nodded, “Okay, Discord…” Eris said softly as she picked Discord up and sat him in between her and his father on the sofa. “It’s time we gave you the birds and the bees talk…”

“What’s that got to do with my question? That doesn't make any sense or sound fun!” Discord complained.

“If you’ll let me start? I’ll explain it” Eris said slightly sternly.

Discord nodded and crossed his arms as Eris began, “Now… when a mother and a father love each other very much, they will hug each other in a very loving, warm and special way.”

“Like we hug?” Discord asked.

“No, sweetie. In a special way only grown ups know.”

“Oh… then what happens?” he asked.

“Well… during this very special hug, they have a wonderful and beautiful feeling rush over them which can last many minutes.” Eris continued.

Discord tapped his claw and nodded, trying to understand what she was saying, “So… have you and dad done the special hug?”

More than once, Entropy thought to himself with a smirk.

“Mhm, that’s right,” Eris smiled at Discord. “It’s how you came to be.”

Discord blinked in confusion, “What do you mean?”

“Well, if a mother and a father love each other very much, and embrace in the special way and make a wish on a shooting star, then they may be blessed with a new foal who arrives in a basket on their doorstep.”

Dorian struggled to keep himself from blowing his cover as Eris spoonfed Discord the dumbed down version of what sex was and how babies came to be, much like how many foals were told at this age. Discord, still not sure on what she meant merely nodded.

“So… that’s how I was born?” He asked, looking in between his parents.

“To a degree,” Eris replied before tickling him madly. “You, however, my little chaotic menace, arrived in an exploding chocolate cake!”

Discord giggled as he squirmed under his mothers tickle attack. Entropy chuckled gently and pulled his son free, rescuing him and placing him on the floor.

“Now, does that answer you—” Entropy started before Discord interrupted.

“Oh! Oh! But what about—”

“Okay, that’s enough for now.” Entropy interrupted. “We will tell you the rest when you’re older.”

“Aww…” Discord pouted.

He wanted to know more, and he honestly still didn’t understand much of what he had been told. He decided to leave it for now. However, one last question came to his mind.

“One last thing, dad. I swear!” Discord asked.

“Discord…” Entropy sighed.

“What happens when a colt loves a colt? Or a filly loves a filly? Is that normal?”

Entropy blinked and smiled at Discords rather mature question. “Well off course it is, Discord.”

“So… the ones in your magazine were acting normal then, dad?” Discord asked with a tilt of his head.

Entropy’s smile dropped instantly as he felt a cold chill go down his spine before a sharp stabbing pain of his wife’s claws digging into his shoulder.

“What magazine is that then. Dear?” Eris asked coldly.

Author's Note

[Edited Version to come.] Any errors, feel free to let me know!

Also, I'm aware that certain items in this story wouldn't have existed in canon around this time. But this IS an alternative universe story set in a fan made universe, with magic.