So a skeleton walks into a pastry shop...
...and did i mention he's french?
Pinkie Pie was working the counter of the (what she considered) greatest confectionary shop in the world, Sugar-Cube Corner, though ‘working’ was a very loosely applied term. It was very late at night and Pinkie was simply closing up shop, the last of her chores involving a thorough wiping of the counter.
This was not normally the case however, as her insanely high energy lifestyle would have normally had her snuggling up to her adorable pet alligator Gummy in her warm bed by now. Unfortunately, one does not simply switch all of Mr. Cakes morning jazz with hardcore metal and expect to get away with it. So here she was, tired as a pink psychopath could be, ready as all the pony world to go to bed, when the bell above the front door rang.
Pinkie groaned inwardly, as this meant she now had to go get whatever it was this customer wanted from the just sorted and closed storage pantry, or possibly even make it fresh if it wasn’t meant to stand overnight, and start the whole cleaning process over when they left. ‘Don’t these ponies have to decency to know I’m tired?’ she thought . She kept it to herself, however, as it had been made abundantly clear to her that “So long as that front door sign says ‘open’ we are,” and she had unfortunately forgotten to flip said sign to closed before she started cleaning. Pinkie trudged up the last of her unnatural reserves of cheerfulness and turned from the serving counter to greet the customer with the usual “Hello, and welcome to Sugar-“
The words died in her throat as she saw the ‘customer.” He was nearly seven feet tall, and unnaturally thin. The kind of unnaturally thin that suggested a complete lack of organs or tissue, or even skin. The kind of unnaturally thin that suggested a skeleton had just walked into her place of work.
Pinkies eyes shrank to pinpricks as the skeleton approached the counter, sauntering slowly on unsure legs. It walked on two legs and had a pair of long limbs hanging loosely from its shoulders, each with five digeted appendages on them. It wore a thin pin striped suit that had long coat tails, and two-tone black and white shoes to match its elongated lower appendages.
Pinkie, contrary to popular belief, did in fact have a sense of danger, though frequently ignored due to her tendency to believe the best of any pony she met. While her antics had made her a town legend, even being the source of the frequently invoked “Pinkie Pie being Pinkie Pie,” she never took on more than she knew she could handle.
‘Grand mamma told me to giggle at the ghostie,’ she thought has it came to a stop in front of her and looked down with its empty eyes sockets and eternal grin, ‘but grand mamma aint met no freakin’ skeletons, now did she?’ and with that, Pinkie began to wail and scramble around for her life. “Please don’t kill me, Mr. Skeleton, I promise I don’t taste like candy!” she had called in her sciency friend Twilight, as well as a few candy enthusiasts, and put that myth to death.
“’Ey,” it said in a French accent “you stop zat right now, or I’ll have a bone to pick vis your boss!”
Pinkie continued to wail for a moment, but stopped dead in her tracks as a thought came to her. ‘wait, did that thing just say a pun?’
“’Ello-o?” he bent over and waved his fleshless hand in front of her face. “Iz zer ‘ennybody zer?” Pinkie still did not move. ‘funny corpse. Error.exe’
“Ahh, zis eez just my luck. My fazer always telled me how to talk to ze girls,” he knocked on his noggin, which produced a hollow sound “but could never get ‘enny of eet srough my ‘sick skull.”
‘okay, that was definitely a pun.’ Pinkie began to laugh histerically, though whether it was because of the bad puns or a mental break is unsure. (oh, who’re we kidding, she’s a walking mental break, it’s obviously the pun.) “Zer ve go,” said the French skeleton, who it should be now noted also had a long thin curly cue mustache, “a leetle bit of life in zees dead man’s party!” Pinkie continued to laugh histerically, until she got hiccups. Even the skeleton joined in, and in moments they were both laughing so hard they had tears in their eyes (well, we assume the skeleton did, he was wiping the bottom of his eyesockets.)
“Pinkie!!” called a very irate Mrs. Cake from the top of the stairs. “What is with all the noise?!! We thought you were packing up the shop!” Mr. and Mrs. Cake both emerged at the bottom of the stair case, rubbing their eyes and looking uniquely unhappy. They both, however, stopped in their tracks at the sight of a tall skeleton standing over their deranged, but otherwise beloved employee. They stood gaping at it, until it straightened out and turned to them.
“’Ello!” it waved cheerily. “I am Lindsey Lohan!” They both promptly fell over each other trying to get out the door and gather Pinkies friends, the monster fighting Elements of Harmony, while Pinkie, having no actual idea why it was funny, continued to laugh wildly none-the-less. Once the Cakes made it out the door, and Pinkie calmed down, she turned to the skeleton with a big dumb grin. “I think we should try again.” She said breathlessly. “I’m Pinkie Pie, and welcome to Sugar-Cube Corner. What can I get you?”
“Ahh, Peenky, eet eez good to meet you.” The skeleton bowed formally and swept one arm beneath where his belly ought to have been, placing the other theatrically wide. “I am Jacque, and I would like an éclair, eef you please.”
“Sure, and the first ones on me.” She said, turning to go to the refrigerator in the kitchen. “Would you like some coffee or tea to go with that?”
Jacque shook his head. “No, as I would not like to appear to have peed my pants.” He tugged on his jacket enough to show his lack of stomach, proving that were he to take a drink, it would all end up in the seat of his trousers. Needless to say, Pinkie began to laugh wildly again as she continued to the kitchen. ‘Best. Skeleton. EVER!’ As she got his éclair and he took a seat at a nearby table, Pinkie began to hum a small tune to herself, one that Jacque apparently knew, because he began to hum along with her.
And so it was that when Rainbow Dash, self-professed ‘future Wonderbolt,’ and Rarity, accomplished local fashionista, arrived at Sugar-Cube Corner out of breath and ready for a fight, they were greeted by a pink party pony and seven foot tall skeleton humming in time together as the former gave the latter an éclair.
“Wait,” said Rainbow, “What?”
Rarity nodded her assent.
“Ah, my prismatic friend, ‘ere for a late night snack?” questioned Jacque the skeleton. “You and your mono-chromatic accompaniment may weesh to ‘urry, as ze pickings are slim.” Pinkie again fell into fits, while the other two, seeing their friend in a noticeably un-mauled state, simply stared in abject fascination.
“Wait,” stated the rainbow pegasus again, “what?”
Rarity was the first to snap out of her stupor and cautiously approach the toothy friend. “I’m sorry, but who are you darling?”
“I am Jacque, my finely accented friend, at your service.” He repeated the bow from before for her, to which she responded with a modest bow of her own and introducing herself, though never releasing him from her questioning gaze.
“Well, Jacque,” she asked tentatively, unsure of the polite specter, “Might I ask what and individual such as yourself is doing here?”
“Why, exactly what all living skeletons do.” He stated boisterously. “Haunting random pedestrians and shop owners!”
While Rainbow and Rarity were visibly alarmed by this, Pinkie was merely curious. “Wait, but that can’t be right.” She stated matter-of-factly. “You’ve been nothing but polite and downright funny since you got here!”
Jacque placed a long arm around her neck and tutted knowingly. “Ahh, Peenky, you deesapoint me. A haunting is merely a spirit geeving ze living some of zeir free time!” he explained. “ No one ever said eet ‘ad to be an unpleasant experience!” he threw his arms out wide, using himself for emphasis.
While Rarity pulled Pinky aside to review her definition of ‘downright funny,’ Rainbow chose then to fly up to Jacque and place herself face-to-face with the undead Frenchman. “So, your dead right?”
“Nosing gets by you.” He said calmly. Rainbow snorted in response, but chose to continue.
“So, do you hang out with a lot of dead ponies?”
“Well, eet depends on where zey are.” He explained nonchalantly “Eef zey were not hanged, I would ‘ave to seek zem elsewhere.” Behind her, Rainbow heard Pinkie go nuts, as well as Rarity seem to sigh in defeat, but ignored both.
“Ever spend time with some skeletons from Alqhuitzol?” she questioned.
This was oddly specific for Jacque, but he answered anyway. “I ‘ave, zo zey were not very good at conversation. Never any new ideas, always Kept coming back to ze bare bones.” Pinkie sounded like she was about to join Jacque in death from laughing so hard, and didn’t seem to be entirely against the idea either. “Why, did you know zem?”
Rainbow, though, didn’t appear to have heard his question. She was too busy geeking out. “That means one of them met Daring Doo!” she exclaimed excitedly, startling Jacque. “Can i get one of their autographs?!” she was wringing her hooves excitedly, a hopeful grin on her face.
“Zat eez probably not ze best idea, eh?” he said, a tad concerned. “Zey are a razer violent lot.”
Rainbow puffed out her chest, and said proudly “They can’t touch me! I’m the one and only Rainbow Dash!” she strutted in midair, fully engrossed with her own self-praise. “I could fly circles around them!”
“I steel recommend a beet of caution, eh?” he warned. “Zey dropped a lot of weight recently, so zey are a bit faster zen you may be ready for.” By now, Pinky was rolling on the floor, holding her sides in pain. Rainbow, however, seemed oblivious to the pun, as well as the danger.
“Meh, I could take ‘em!” declared Rainbow confidently, punching the air in imitation of her literary idol.
“And zey call me bone-head.” Jacque mumbled, though still loud enough to send Pinkie into further hysterics.
Just as Pinkie seemed fit to burst, the door was bucked open by a highly protective farmer, who was followed by a shivering butter yellow pegasus and, of all things, a purple alicorn princess and her baby dragon. “Alright, monster, you leave my friend alone, or I’ll send you back to the next world!” cried the Alicorn, Twilight Sparkle by name, followed by Applejack dragging a quivering Fluttershy by her extra-long tail.
Jacque didn’t so much as flinch at the sight, merely picked up his nearby forgotten éclair and popped it in his mouth, not even bothering to chew. It bounced off his ribcage audibly and settled in his pelvis. “My apologies!” he placed a hand over his exposed teeth. “Ze éclair’s, zey go right srough me.” Pinkie resumed her manic outburst, Rarity forced to dodge her wildly kicking feet.
Princess Twilight Sparkle, arguably the most learned non-immortal in modern Equestria, chose that moment to have her first brain-fart. “Wait, what?”
“I get zat a lot.” Said Jacque with a shrug.
“Now wait just a darn minute here.” Called an irate Applejack. “Ahm gonna need some explainin’ here. Why did Mr. Cake bust into mah house in the middle of the night to tell me mah friends getting’ attacked by a monster, but when ah git here everypony’s fine and there’s a fancy speaking skeleton eatin’ pastry?” the farm mare asked from between her grinding teeth, Twilight and Spike nodding in agreement.
“Well,” began Jacque, rising and puling the éclair from his abdomen and tossing it into the trash, “ as I was just telling your friends, my name is Jacque, and I am merely here spread a beet of fun.”
He leaned over, and while not standing near them, he still managed to look very imposing all of a sudden. “And for ze record,” he held up a finger, “I do not appreciate being called a monster.” Both Twilight and Applejack hurridly nodded.
But then Jacque took notice of a quivering ball of adorable behind the two of them, and leaned to the side to see her better. “’Ello, leetle one.” He called to her gently. “You do not need to be afraid of old Jacque, I weel not ‘arm you.” He lifted his jacket and wiggled his finger inside the empty cavity within when she peeked at him from behind her hooves.
“I do not ‘ave ze stomach for violence!”
Again went the raucous laughter of Pinkie Pie, and though everyone else simply rolled their eyes, Fluttershy actually managed a small giggle. “Ah, you see,” said Jacque as he regained his seat, “you do not need to be afraid of Jacque. Come and seet wis me.” He patted his knee for emphasis.
The final four guests all shuffled in nervously, wary of being near the tall corpse. “So, umm” said fluttershy quietly, still more than her fair share of fearful, “if you’re not here to hurt Pinkie, then why are you here? If you don’t mind my asking.”
Jacque politly shook his head. “Not at all. As I was just explaining to your friends,” he gestured to Rainbow and Rarity, “I am just ‘ere to spread a beet of fun. Sings are so dour at night zees days, and I weesh only to cheer eet up.”
Twilight considered his statement. ‘He’d get along well with princess Luna.” She thought to herself.
“What are yeh any who?” demanded Applejack, notably nonplused at being woken up so late after such a long day.
“Yeh definitely aint no pony, but I reckon yeh aint to devil neither, considerin’ how polite yeh are.”
“Ah well I am a human, slain in France some time ago.” He replighed delightedly, the subject of his home obviously his favorite. He paused a bit, though, and took on a thoughtful stance. “Zough, do not ask ‘ow I got ‘ere, as I am not entirely sure. Interdimensional travel, you know.” They did not, but none save Twilight wished to hear it explained, and Spike had a firm grip on her muzzle.
She caught his hint and shoved off his claw, glaring at him, before asking Jacque “So, can you tell us how you died?”
“Why yes, zough I confess eet is not so interesting.” He answered with a shrug. “I was walking down ze street wis my mozer, when all of a sudden, a carriage passed a tad too close.” He plucked playfully at his clothes. “You could say eet scared me out of my skeen.” Right on cue, Pinkie burst out at the bad joke, finding immense humor in it.
Rainbow, giggled to herself though, and trying to keep a straight face said “So you went from a ‘walkman’ to a ‘boneman?” and immediately began to laugh uproariously at her own joke. Noticing nopony or skeleton was laugh with her however, she turned a questioning gaze to Jacque.
“Zat,” he said flatly “was not funny.” Even Pinkie had stopped laughing, and now everypony was staring quizzically at Dash. She immediately sat on her haunches, embarrassed, and grumbled about the lack of a sense of humor others seemed to share.
Having finally stopped laughing long enough to form a thought, Pinkie asked Jacque “So, I guess you’ve met the pale pony of death then, huh?”
“You mean ze reaper?” he stated more than asked. “Oui, I ‘ave met him, zough ‘e was a tad grim.” Another bad pun successfully delivered, Pinkie returned to her fits.
He nodded approvingly at her reactions, while the others simply facehooved. Unfortunately, a small itching had gathered at the back of his vacant skull, and he knew what that meant.“Ah, ladies, eet ‘as been fun,” he said a tad sullenly, “but I fear my time ees up.” Jacque stood to his full height and bowed to the gathered ponies.
“What?” asked Pinkie, somehow coming out of her laughter seamlessly, “but you just got here! You can’t go yet!”
Jacque patted her on the cheek playfully “Ah Peenkie, would you so swiftly deny ozers ze pleasure of Jacque?” she giggled a bit, but remained bittersweet as he walked away.
“Yeah whatever,” said a particular sulky cyan pegasus “it’s not all it’s cracked up to be.” Jacque placed his hands on his hips and shook his head.
“Ah, well, some people can’t take a good ribbing.” Again Pinkie began to laugh, albeit more gently, and this time it was infectious. Despite her moodiness, even Rainbow cracked a grin. “Zere, see, eet eez all in good fun.” He waggled his finger at her. “And perhaps old Jacque might get you some aughtographs from Alquitzol, eh?” her book nerd spirit returned, Rainbow once again began to hover excitedly.
Before he left, however, a purple hoof found his shoulder. “Hey, Jacque, think you’ll be sticking around Equestria a bit longer?”
He mulled it over a bit, and eventually nodded. “Ze night eez still young, and zere are many more to come. Why, did you have somesing in mind?” she nodded
“I think you might find a good audience at Canterlot castle. Look for Princess Luna, she’s the blue one.”
Jacque nodded and bowed for the final time, before exiting the shop, and seeming to vaporize into thin air.
Before she returned to her friends though, the bush next to the door spoke to her. “Twilight!” called Mr Cake fearfully from the bushes. “Is it over? Is Lindsey Lohan gone?”
Author's Note
just a goofy little blurb