Angry Video Game Princess
"This game sucks," I said, starting a new web series called Angry Video Game Princess, I was reviewing Castlevania Two: Simon's Quest for the NES. "Castlevania One and Three are great, classic Nintendo games, but for Two, the developers fucked up." "When you start it seems decent, it's a little different than the first Castlevania game, but that's okay. Zelda Two was different, Mario Two was different, and those two were good." "The first thing different is that you have to walk around a village, talk to people, and buy stuff," I said, thinking 'This is what we call foreshadowing'. "I don't really mind this, it makes it more like an adventure story, and like Zelda."
"The first problem is the HORRIBLE day to night transition," I said when a box saying 'What a horrible night to have a curse' popped up on the screen. "This always happens every day-night transition, so like every 5 minutes. Why does it take so long?" I said, frustrated at the game already. "Would you like playing a game and every 5 minutes I come over and take the controller, pause the game, then count 10 tedious seconds, then let you continue the game?" "Now why did they think this was a good idea? Was it to make it more realistic? When I'm walking and the sun sets I don't stop in my tracks, and a fucking box certainly doesn't pop up in the air," Now I was fucking pissed off because the monsters are stronger and it was too early in the game for me to have a good weapon. I died over, and over, and over. "The only difference is at night, the monsters are stronger and the stores are closed, but why is there a fucking BOX!"
"And the hell do you die when you fall in the water? It's the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. Simon can defeat Dracula, but can't fucking swim?" After a montage of me dying from water, I began to talk again. "Sometimes I don't want to go down the stairs because it takes too long, so I just jump down from a height, only to fall and learn there was a water pit below me, then die." "Another thing the is real annoying is that you have to buy stuff. I said before that this is a component of many great games, like Zelda, but let me explain." "Now you have to collect heats, which is the currency of this fuck town." "Now that's strange because usually hearts are energy, or life, but that's not the point, the point is that the items are too fucking expensive and you never have enough hearts." "It takes too long, and it gets really boring just going around, killing the same enemies, just do you can buy a flame whip, or something."
"Speaking of the flame whip, that's pretty strange, they were being creative with that one." "What adds to this shit heap is that when you die, all your hearts are gone, and you have to start all over." "This doesn't add to the challenge of the game, it just makes it boring, doing the same monotonous stuff over again." "Now I've got enough hearts to buy a plant I need to cross this bridge." "Oh shit, it's fucking nighttime, now the stores are all closed, and I need to wait until it's day for them to open again." "Well, okay I guess I can stand here and kill some enemies and get some more hearts for after I buy the plant," I was walking and at a jump. When I was at the jump, I missed and fell in water and died. "OH SHIT, well looks like now I have to start all over again."
"The most annoying parts of the game are the hidden holes, conveniently placed over a puddle of water for you to die when you fall." "Anyways, you have to fucking throw holy water all over the place." "This again doesn't add to the fun challenge of the game, it's just annoying and unfair." "In the dungeons, there is no boss at the end, which is a huge disappointment." "Every Nintendo gamester knows that at the end of a dungeon, labyrinth, level, or what ever there is supposed to be a boss you need to defeat." "But here they just got lazy and decided to only put a few bosses in the game and leave some dungeons with only a few bad guys, like the one I'm at now." "So then there's nothing at the end, except for a crystal orb that you can't touch." I was so annoyed I wanted to throw the game out the window. "In the rest of the Castlevania games, the tradition goes like this. You get to the end of the stage. fight a boss, beat it, then an orb comes down, and you touch it. There you go, onto the next level." "But here, how are you ever going to figure out you need to throw an oak stake at the orb. I mean when you first get the oak stake, you assume it's a weapon." "You throw it, and then you realize it does absolutely nothing," I said, throwing it at a skeleton, and it going right through it. "Then you waste it by throwing it because you only get one, so you need to get it all over again.
"There are defiantly parts of this game that aren't self explanatory, take this dead end for example." "Would you guess you're supposed to pass through this wall?" "What you do is you kneel down by it for like, 10 seconds, but that's not enough, oh please make it more cryptic, give us more for our bit, make us have to wander around the entire game exhausting every possibility, you need to have a red crystal, kneel down, and wait a while for a tornado to appear and take you to the next part of the game," I said as a tornado came and took me away. I find this a little funny, and wanted to laugh when this happened.
"Most of the townspeople have nothing important to say, so you can just skip over them." "Back in the dungeons, there are books you may find that give you hints about things in the game that you may need to know." "But most of the time I find these books by accident and may hit the button and cancel it out and I don't get a second chance to read it." "Why can't I cancel out the day-night box? That would actually be helpful, but no, you have to stare at 'The morning sun has vanquished the horrible night.'" "What I think the game designers were think was that it's not that important to read a very helpful hint to beat the game, but it's fucking necessary to read 'What a horrible night to have a curse.'" "WHAT ABOUT VANQUISH THIS HORRIBLE GAME!"
"The only sure way to get through this game is to enter a code, but that is way more tedious than it should be." "While most of the Castlevania games have symbols you enter for a code, this one has a whole bunch of letters and numbers,"
There were four characters in a part, and four parts in the code. "One of those little parts could be enough for the code, but why so many, why four?" "In general I hate games that games that have lower-case and upper-case letters, and numbers, because, you know, the ls look like Is, Os looks like 0s, 8s look like 5s, why must there be so many digits, why couldn't it be just numbers or something?" "I takes me like 2 minutes to enter this code when it should take 30 seconds, it's fucking stupid."
"So one way or another you end up at Dracula's castle. You'll be so disappointed when you learn how anticlimactic this game is, it isn't even worth putting in the code, let alone playing the whole game through, which if you did I feel bad for you." "There aren't any enemies in Dracula's castle, so the only obstacle are the steps, and the don't hurt you, they're just fucking tedious." "What is the point going through the castle if you don't have anything to fight, I mean did the designers run out of time?"
"And when you get to Dracula, he doesn't look anything like Dracula, he looks like a Grim Reaper and he throws sickles" "I mean did the people who made this game even know who Dracula is? He's a fucking vampire." "On top of everything Dracula is way too easy. Here's a trick you can do to beat Dracula without taking any damage." "When Dracula first appears, he stands still for a moment, giving you time to hit him. After he;s gotten hit, Dracula is frozen momentarily, giving you more time to hit him." "You'll probably be using the flames because it's one of the most effective weapons in the game. Hitting Dracula like this makes it impossible for him to even move! He has no chance. The second you start throwing that shit at him, you've already won." "Why is it so easy? Did they even test this shitty game out before they released it?" "I feel horrible having played this game to show you its dreadfulness. But I did it so you don't have to." "You should thank me for telling you to keep away from this horrible pile of steaming goat shit." "It blows my mind how fucking horrible this game is, if all these problems were changed, we would have a great trilogy of classic Castlevania games, but history is history, so we may just try and count Castlevania Three as the sequel to Castlevania, and leave this awful piece of horse shit alone. This proves to be one of the greatest fuck ups in gaming history." "Now have a good fucking night, and thanks for listening."