From Times Long Ago

by TheLordOfBronies

Rating: mature
Tags: Comedy, Romance, Slice of Life
Length: 2410

What happens when Pinkie Pie and Applejack get drunk...?

Applejack is bullied by a rival rancher, and Pinkie Pie tries to cheer her up with a night on the town! And of course, Applejack accepts, having no doubt that she can be cheered up by Pinkie Pie. But when they head to a tavern, it takes an unexpected turn. But after finding out what happened, Spike gets a bit nervous…

Meanwhile, in the distant future - five hundred years to be exact - the Elements of Harmony are all but a legend. Until, of course, an archaeologist named Smarty Tarty discovers the (rather vulgar) diary of one, and what appears to be the journal of a friend of the Element of Magic.

NOTES: This is a first-person narrative that is from Pinkie Pie and Spike's point of view, and switches to the third person point of view. Also, rated mature for inappropriate content in the future.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-05-01 22:29:13 UTC

Future

  It was a hot summer day. And that really sucked. Especially since they were in the Everfree Desert, named after the forest that, supposedly, used to cover this entire area. But it looked like it could never support any ecosystem; not even a desert one! Unfortunately for Smarty Tarty and his crew, this was the best place to search for artifacts. They were seriously contemplating if this was worth all the money. Currently, said expedition leader was unloading things from his and his colleagues' automobiles, along with their help. These 'cars' were new and expensive to handle - for the average pony, anyway - but they sure as hell made it easier to get around. He set up one canvas, hoping that it would make it at least a little bit cooler. Everypony else was putting canvases up that were right next to his. The weather was over a hundred degrees, and anything to make it cooler would be greatly appreciated by him and all.

  You're probably wondering what this 'Smarty Tarty' character looks like. I'll tell you, for future reference. His fur is the kind of green that's found in mint chocolate chip ice cream. His mane is teal and yellow - he also has a matching mustache; half of it's teal and the other is yellow. His cutie mark, however cliche it sounds, was a fossil. And his always-laughing eyes were a vivid orange color, like that of the fruit. An inside joke about him in the world of female archaeologists is that he's 'Sherbert-flavored'. Of course, this was originated from false rumors about him having sex with a lot of mares. He dismisses this heavily, as he already has a wife. And kids, at that. Why ruin their childhoods by making daddy go away? And honestly, there were hardly any sexy mares nowadays.

...

  Smarty Tarty, finally, concluded his blasted journal entry. All good archaeologist keep a record of their sites, discoveries, and other things that apply, even if it was a nuisance at times. Don't ask me how, though; you'll have to ask him. Anyway, he had a total of four completely-filled journals, the first being from all the way back when he was a filly, and he and his friends had decided to dig for buried treasure as if they were pirates. Instead, Smarty Tarty found a fossil and got his cutie marks. Ah, good times, good times. As soon as he closed and locked the journal, which is not to be confused with a diary, one of his most highly-esteemed associates burst into the tent. "Sherbert!" he cried; this was a nickname, and a rather annoying one at that. But Smarty allowed it to pass. But only this once. "We've found some sort of journal under tent B!" he said with an obviously excited tone.

"Well, show me to it, man!" Smarty said in his distinct accent. No one ever could tell what kind it was. But it was sure as hell an accent.

  So, the peach-colored colleague led him outside and to the place under tent B. A mare was dusting off the supposed artifact. She looked up and immediately handed it over, deciding it would be taken care of better in his hands.  Smarty Tarty examined it. Although it was vague, he could make out the word 'Spike' written on the front in golden ink. The logical and obvious inference was that this belonged to somepony named Spike. "We also found one jadeite sample, about three diamonds, and a crapload of rubies, sapphires, and emeralds surrounding it," the peach colt said. Smarty Tarty was certainly surprised that there was jadeite, which was basically the most valuable mineral on Earth, as well as diamonds, which were obviously the second most valuable.

"By Celestia..." Smarty Tarty said. "This could be the dragon Spike, from the legend of the Elements of Harmony!" He let out a laugh of pure excitement. "By Celestia, we've done it! We've proven the Elements of Harmony!" He was so clouded with his trepidation that he forgot to think of one piece of controversy, that an associate quickly brought up.

"I don't mean to be 'that guy', but this could possibly be a planted forgery..." the mare said hesitantly.  Smarty Tarty frowned.

"...True. Although it's a very slim chance, I will investigate the validity. Continue," he said, taking it back to his study with a sudden solemness. He was always very serious about this archaeology business. He may crack a few jokes here and there, but other than that, always.

...

  He skimmed through the pages and coughed as dust wafted into his face. They were yellowed with age and delicate to the touch, and if it was the real thing it would most likely be around, say, five centuries old. It would take many years to fabricate it, and well, there was a LOT of detail you'd have to fabricate. What would be the goal, though, he thought? Perhaps to mislead the public or archaeological world. Or... He frowned. He had one single rival, Rock Polish. He would have most likely known Smarty Tarty was coming here. He had announced it many years ago, and had been preparing for a very long time. Perhaps he could have prepared and brought it here to fool him and then prove him wrong - he would expect no less from the pony - becoming more famous. But then again, he was probably over-thinking it. After all, it would take longer to prepare this document than he'd had been preparingfor his trip. Smarty Tarty decided to try and read it. If it had any link at all to his rival, then he would be extremely angry and disappointed. Even so, he braved his fears that could possibly, although not very possibly, be true and opened it up to the first page and, after some effort, identified the letters. And while the archaeologist did that, he took out his own journal and dabbed a quill in ink.

.................................................................................................................................................................................................

March 30th, *Journal Entry #1***

Note to self: Think of more interesting titles

Today Twilight convinced me to get a journal to write down thoughts and feelings about each day. Yeah, like that's gonna ever happen. Actually, she kind of forced me to, since she bought it and gave it to me without telling me beforehand. And plus, she's watching me as I write to make sure I do! I swear, if she peeks I will be so pissed! It's kinda difficult to think of what to write, though. Anyway, I obviously won't be showing this to her, since it's gonna have lots of things that she prob'ly won't approve of. But I'll hide this with my mineral stash. Twilight has been looking for it a lot for some reason, but she's never found it. Even Rarity couldn't! Good thing I covered it with that magic-resistant stuff the day before. No one will *EVER** get them. And they're my snacks and my snacks only.*

Anyway, today I noticed that Applejack looked really... good. I don't know why, though. I mean, of course she's nothing compared to Rarity. Rarity is way too hot to be outdone by anyone... plus she's just so generous! And nice. Most of them time, anyway. And luckily she hasn't found out about my crush on her! I would die. Like, seriously, they'd have my eulogy as 'Died on the day of true love's realization'. Or something. I'm not good with all this deep meaning crap. Actually, I don't really see how that shows a lot of exaggeration. Maybe I should ask Twilight how to do that stuff. But then again, she'd probably give me this whole boring lecture about how it was a bad decision not to go to school. But seriously, who sees a dragon in a pony school? Definitely not me. Actually, they might have them. I've never been in one, except for when Apple Bloom forced me to go for show-and-tell.

Back to Applejack. It was when Twilight and I were helping her organize the apple stocks. I wasn't really helping. Mainly just writing things. She was wearing those jean shorts things, and they were *really, really short. If they were any smaller they'd be panties! And she was wearing a peach-colored ripped shirt that was real small, too. And she was facing away from us, and bending over to pick up a basket of apples. Oh man! I don't think any guy wouldn't get a boner from that. That ass was* fine! But, of course, I'm sure Rarity's would be even more stunning. I'm not just sure, actually. I know it would.

And another time, I was looking over what I'd written for Twilight, and I really wasn't paying attention to where I was going. Apparently neither was Applejack, 'cause I slammed right into her. You wouldn't believe where my face landed. Right smack dab in the middle those obnoxious honkers! My face as as red as her apples. She looked like she was embarrassed, and a little angry. Well, not just a little. She chewed me over with her words. She gave me a lecture, almost like Twilight accept with a really country accent, about watching where I was going. Of course, I decided to do the opposite. Maybe the same thing would eventually happen with Rarity!

Twilight is bugging me about going to Pinkie Pie's party. I'm kinda sick of cupcakes, though. Maybe she'll have an apple pie.

..................................................................................................................................................................................................

  That was not quite what Smarty Tarty expected. What vulgarity! He scoffed. Things like that must have been more acceptable, back then. Nowadays you'd be sent to prison for even accidentally violating a mare's breasts. But this was definitely not Rock Polish's work; he wrote much more elegantly and his linguistic skills were far superior than that of Spike's. He scribbled a quick note about this in his own journal and shut both. "I should check on their progress and report my findings," he muttered to himself, straightening his elegant moustache as he exited his retreat and was met by the harsh, unforgiving rays of the sun. He should really put a tarp up to shield himself from that.

  There were teams of three ponies excavating each site under the tarp. Bones of ponies from long ago, wooden planks, and a few books here and there. This was proof that 'Ponyville' had once existed here, which was the sole reason for coming out to this barren wasteland. Smarty Tarty gathered them all under one tarp and began to speak. "I have confirmed that it has not, in fact, been fabricated by anypony. It is legitimate, although vulgar to a profession. I will continue to research these, and other pieces of writing we happen to find, so if you happen to find anything, then contact me right away. Dismissed."

...

  Just as he entered his tent once more, the same peach-colored pony burst inside once more, holding a large pink tome with hand-drawn pictures of what seemed to be balloons. In large, sloppy hand-writing, the words 'Pinkie Pie' shone easily under the drawing in thick blue ink. There was also a lock. "We've found what we believe to be the diary of the Element of Laughter, Pinkie Pie," he reported. Smarty Tarty was about to address the fact that this was getting annoying, but then he turned around and spotted the diary. Seeing was much, much better than hearing, apparently. He snatched it away and slammed it onto his desk, opening it to the first page and opening his own journal to the fiftieth. The peach-colored one, obviously offended, turned around and walked out of the tent with nose held high.

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MARCH 30TH,      PARTY WITH APPLEJACK!!!!

Dear super duper diary,

Today I decided to go get a diary because, well, wouldn't it be great to remember all the stuff that happened every day? I mean, if somepony asks me about something and I forget it, I can just check my diary and say, "Oh, well, blah blah blah!" and then we'll both be happy! So I thought this diary was really REALLY cute and so I bought it, and there was this fancy key and everything, but then I decided that something was missing. So then I drew some balloons and colored them and then wrote my name real fancy on the front!

But the CRAZIEST thing happened after I finished my shopping for today! I saw Applejack trying to buy makeup, and it was weird, because she usually hates makeup! So then I asked her why she was buying makeup, but she said she didn't wanna talk about it, so I said, 'well, friends are supposed to share stuff like this with each other because we're friends and it's really important to share things like this, so please please please please please please please please please please please PLEASE tell me Applejack!' So then she told me that she was dumped by her boyfriend and then I told her that her boyfriend was mean, and then after that she said that she was trying to get makeup so that she could win him back because she was super-duper-uper in love with him! So then I suggested that we have a night on the town tonight since we don't really hang out much and so I could get her mind off of that meanie-face boyfreind of hers!"

So now I'm home and im trying to prepare for tonight with cupcakes, cookies, a cake, so we can have snacks while we're out on the town, and everypony loves snacks, because snacks are super yummy, and who doesn't like super yummy stuff, right! So I'm writing down stuff that happened today, but there's other stuff that happened obviously, but it really isn't too important and happens everyday and so I dont need to right it down!

..................................................................................................................................................................................................

  Well, that was... rather strange. Smarty Tarty decided to stop. For now, at least. He closed his journal and Pinkie Pie's diary. Maybe he should go out and help his team excavate Ponyville. The pony and dragon from times long ago were too odd for him. Maybe somepony else could do it? But then again, he knew nopony else in his group would be up to it. So, for now, he would have to put up with the nonsensical antics of two beings he didn't even know, and wouldn't, unless the afterlife was real.