Emmet in Equestria

by CitrusFizz

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Alternate Universe, Human
Length: 24605

Well, for being forced into another world full of crazed, talking equines, my situation wasn't that bad. At least, until I was forced to a personal body guard for one of them. Then s**t hit the fan.

Cover Art made by and used with permission from: Twisted Mill

Emmet Gilroy Smith was just a poor young man living in a poor old apartment, living with a moderately poor roommate who was fairly convinced Emmet was insane. Within the time span of a couple of minutes, however, he went from a guy scrounging for rent money to a guy scrounging for food in the cell of a prison run by magical horses, because a white unicorn apparently didn't like an ape sticking out of his wine. (AN: This is my first story. Expect mistakes. The will be fixed. Hopefully…)

[EDIT] I have added the gore tag because eventually, our friend Emmet is going to be in the front lines of a few wars. Won't get too graphic, but I think I need to warn you.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-02-12 04:36:06 UTC

Chapter 2: Introductions and Spoon Shanking

Chapter 2: Introductions and Spoon Shanking

As Iron Flyer and the two other pony guards led Emmet to the back of the castle, he had some time to think on his predicament. He was convinced that he was dreaming. However, he was beginning to have his doubts. This environment was far too real to be a dream. But if this wasn't a dream,

"What could it be?" He hadn't realized he was thinking out loud, and Iron Flyer was beginning to give him weird looks. Emmet laughed nervously, and the pegasus just shrugged and looked ahead again. Thousands of explanations ran through Emmet's head, each of them more far-fetched than the last. But every time he came back to the same conclusion.

"Yep, I have gotten high at my niece's birthday party again." He hadn't meant to say it that loud, and all three pegasi turned and looked at him. " I have come to a conclusion. Somehow, I managed to get hold of some pot, smoked it in my sister's bathroom, and due to my niece's love of girly things, have begun hallucinating about unicorns and fantasy castles." Sergeant Ego and the pegasus to his right gave him wide eyed stares, while Iron Flyer just nodded with understanding.

"Well, it does make sense." The golden-brown pony said. This earned him a incredulous stare from the Sergeant. "Think about it. If you suddenly woke up in a world filled with creatures like this," he pointed his wing at the Emmet, "you would think you got hold of some zebra plant too."

"See, this one gets it!" Emmet said, gesturing to Iron Flyer in a lecturing tone, "Although I don't think it really matters if you two get it, seeing as you're just figments of my imagination." the Sergeant and the pegasus guard just continued to stare at him, until Sarge gave him his signature pissed glare, walked over to Emmet, and smacked him in the back of the head.

"Ow! What the hell was that for!?"

"Did that hurt?" The Sergeant asked him calmly. Well, by Sergeant standards anyway.

"Yes it damn hurt, what do you think?"

"Since when do you feel pain in a dream?" As Emmet digested this new piece of evidence the Sarge walked the short distance to a a large set of wood and iron doors, and unlocked the large padlock with a ring of keys dangling from his waist. How he did this without hands was beyond Emmet, but he barely noticed with the turbulent thoughts raging beneath his skull. He hadn't even noticed that Sarge had begun talking again.

"-is Canterlot Prison, where you will be staying until the Princesses decide what to do with you." Emmet looked beyond Sarge, and saw a set of wide stairs leading down into a gloomy brick tunnel.

He could hear the sounds of raucous talking and the occasional laugh or cry of outrage. "It's lunchtime, so I suggest you go down and meet some new friends." The Sarge smiled evilly at him. "Now get going."

As Emmet walked down the stairs, he thought back on his conversation with Sarge. For some reason, when he mentioned friends, something stirred in the back of his mind, something he just couldn't quite remember. He shrugged it off, it didn't really matter. He still wasn't entirely convinced that this wasn't a dream, but he did admit that the closest thing to pain he had ever felt in a dream was a fuzzy sensation. Why suddenly feel the sharp crack of his hoof on his skull, and the dull throb that still plagued him? As he pondered these oddities in his mind, he heard the door shut with a large, ominous boom. He suddenly felt very trapped.

"Well, no other way to go." Emmet muttered to himself, and resumed walking down the wide steps.

And promptly fell on his face.

"Stupid, good for nothing made-for-pony stairs." He seethed between his teeth. He should of guessed, these stairs weren't meant for humans. He had to walk down rather awkwardly, as the steps weren't small enough to comfortably go one step at a time, but too wide to take two steps per step. And so he walked down, his still-throbbing head came back and screaming and he could almost feel a black eye forming. In between curses and muttered vows of revenge against stairs, he noticed he had reached the bottom, and was confronted with a cast iron gate. Another pegasus guard stood on the far side of the gate in a small brick and cage booth, staring at him awkwardly. It was the guard's first day. He had come from the quite town of Ponyville, where crime was absent and neighbors were friendly. He came into the job not expecting a single pony to be convicted. Just in the past few hours, however, he had seen four earth ponies, three unicorns, six pegasi, two changeling spies, and even a griphon. And now, a creature he didn't even knew had existed. And it was looking at him! What was he supposed to do?

"Uhm, hello? Are you here to be imprisoned?" The strange creature raised an eyebrow.

"No, I just wanted to see the scenery." The pegasus shifted awkwardly.

"I'll take that as a yes." The pony fumbled with a ring of keys with his wings. After a few moments, he noticed the creature was staring at him.

"Is... there anything that I can help you with?"

"How do you use keys without hands?" The creature said, ignoring his question. Now it was the pony's turn to raise an eyebrow. "I mean, I have hands to do everything with," the creature said, indicating the strange tentacle-like protrusions on the end of his arm, "and where I came from, feathers just don't quite serve the same purpose." The pony opened his mouth to speak, but then stopped. Now that he thought of it, the birds in the castle gardens couldn't manipulate objects with their wings. How could he? He was about to say that, but was interrupted by the strange creature.

"You know what, just forget it, I don't want to know. I've seen enough laws of physics being broken for one day." The pegasus just took this in, and finally opened the first of a double-gate. The creature walked  tiredly into the first gate, he had had a rough day. When the pegasus was satisfied the first gate was locked, he opened the second.

"Have a nice day!" the pegasi called after the creature. He was greeted by silence, and softly face-hoofed. "This is going to be a rough job."

After another few minutes of walking down an abnormally ling hallway, he finally reached the lunchroom. Lunch was almost over, and most of the prisoners had left. Those that were left dropped off in silence the moment Emmet entered the room. As he surveyed the seen, he saw multitudes of strange creatures along the unicorns, pegasi, and ponies he had begun to get used to. A few rows back, he saw two insectoid ponies, with tattered wings and beetle-like skin. In the seat closest to him what looked like a small dragon covered in scars growled deeply, a small flow rising from his nostrils. In the very back corner, he saw what appeared to be a gryphon, which, thankfully, was largely ignoring him. He would rather not get on a giant eagle/lion's bad side. Other than that, it was just a sea or browns, tans and occasional splash of color to greet him. After being escorted, he had deduced that the male of the pony species were colored more like the ponies back home. Emmet had begun to accept that this wasn't a dream, and decided that he would follow the Sarge's advice and try to fit in. As best as a hairless, bipedal creature wrapped in a tablecloth could, that is.

Emmet walked over to the cafeteria window, which he had to stoop to be level with. Just another woe of living in a building meant for ponies. He was greeted by a slightly fat earth pony, who stared at him with surprise. They were separated by two inch-thick metal bars, but the chef found himself a little scared under Emmet's gaze.

"Errr... I'm afraid I don't know whatever a... whatever you are eats." The chef spoke in a slight Irish accent.

"Well," Emmet tried to look behind the chef at the available food, "we humans can eat a lot of stuff, so let me tell you what we can't eat. We can't eat hay, raw grain, flowers, grass, bark, leaves, and any inorganic substance except water." The chef tried to take this in.

"Can you eat bread and vegetables?" The portly chef replied.

"Yes, yes I can."

"Brilliant," the chef replied, handing him a loaf of bread and a green and brown sludge that might have been vegetable soup at one time. "Here you go." Emmet took his food and sat on the table next to the young dragon's, careful to give him and the gryphon in the back a wide gearth. As he began to eat his meal, he noticed a brown pegasus and a white unicorn make their way over to him. They sat on either side of him, much closer than what Emmet considered comfortable.

"Well hello there." The brown pegasus to his right said in a cocky voice. Emmet just remained silent, and continued eating his tasteless soup. "Hey, I'm talking to you!" Emmet decided to that it may be best to answer him.

"Hello."

"May I ask you a question?" Emmet decided that it would be pointless to say no, so he nodded in the affirmative.

"What under Celestia's sun are you?" Emmet didn't answer straight away, and finally took a deep breath.

"I'm a homo sapien, or, as we like to call ourselves, a human."

"Right, right..." the pony trailed off, "So, how come I've never seen any humans before?"

"Well," Emmet began. He wasn't entirely sure what to say. He could tell him the truth, although something told him the pony wouldn't believe a word of it. "I'm the only one alive." Emmet wasn't entirely sure whether or not that was a lie. He hadn't seen any other people in this world, although he'd had a very limited view of the outside world. He felt a jolt of pain, as he considered how he would get home, and if he even could. Would anyone miss him? Any family or friends. As he thought back on his friends, he felt that weird feeling again. Like he was supposed to remember something important. He was so embroiled in his own thoughts that he almost didn't catch the unicorn talking. That seemed to be happening a lot to him today.

"Ohhhh, that's just too bad." The unicorn had been saying. "Tell me, what happened to them?" Emmet decided he had had enough with these two, and just wished to go to wherever his cell was.

"They must have caught a whiff of you two, and fainted on the spot." Emmet had finished his food and abruptly stood up to leave. However, felt a strange tingling sensation, and he saw the tablecloth he was wrapped in glowing a light blue. As he turned around, the square of cloth was suddenly wrenched off him, leaving him naked in front of everyone.

"Hey! Give that back right now!" Emmet girlishly squealed yelled in outrage.

"Why?" the unicorn said, oblivious to the reason Emmet had reacted so strongly, and equally puzzled as to why he was blushing and putting his hands over the area in between his legs. "This given to you by your mummy-wummy?" to which the brown pegasus guffawed loudly.

"Give that back right, now, or shit's gonna go down!" Emmet tried to look brave, although all he did was blush even further. It occurred to him that it was probably socially acceptable not to wear clothes in this world, after all, the two goons in front of him weren't, but it didn't make him feel any less exposed.

"Well is that so?" The pegasus replied loudly. Apparently, someone had alerted the guards, for Emmet heard the sounds of armor clinking and hurried footsteps (hoofsteps? Emmet wasn't sure what to say anymore) coming from one of the many hallways leading away from the lunchroom. The pegasi opened up his left wing, to reveal a sharpened spoon hidden in the folds of his wings. "Die you hairless freak!" he said, as he somehow defied all rules of logic and gripped the knife in his hoof. He reared back onto his rear hooves, brandishing the knife in a reversed grip above his head, and thrust it down at Emmet's chest. Unfortunately for the pegasus, Emmet was bullied quite a bit as a child. As a result, he begged and pleaded with his parents until they agreed to take him to a local Tae Kwon Do studio, where he practiced to this day, for a grand total of seventeen years. So, as Emmet saw the knife fall down on him, he simply did what years of practice made instinct for him. He raised his forearm parallel to the floor and ceiling, blocking the knife's approach. He place the pony's attacking leg in the crook of his elbow, and placed his right hand over his left, trapping the pony's leg in place. Afterwords, he simply lowered his arms, twisting the pegasus' leg out of his shoulder with a juicy *pop*. The pegasus let out a cry of pain, and fell to the floor, holding his arm and whimpering. Emmet backed away, assessing the situation, and his eyes fell on the white unicorn, who was slowly backing away. When he saw Emmet's attention was on him, he promptly pissed himself, and quickly used his magic to throw the tablecloth back to Emmet. He threw himself to the ground, and began blubbering like a baby. At that moment, six prison guards along with two guards from the castle came storming a hallway, and immediately looked at Emmet.

"You there! Get him!"

Emmet stood in three pairs of shackles, one for his wrists, one for his legs, and another around his neck, which was held on the other end by Iron Flyer. Emmet stood inside the grand castle, surrounded by stained glass windows, all of them depicting scenes of ponies defeating evil. In a couple, he saw a strange serpent, who he assumed was the pony equivalent of Satan. It was late in the afternoon, and the sunlight filtered through the windows, dappling the room in strange light. In front of him were two ponies, much larger than the rest, and about the same size as the pony whose wine he found his foot in. However, these ponies were strange, as they each had  a unicorn's horn and a pegasus' wings. In addition, their horns were much larger and sharper, and their wings were more like an eagle's. One was pure white, with a mane of white pinks, greens, and blues. Next to her was a very dark purple pony, with a mane of lighter magenta. They sat curled up on pillows, he saw that that the lighter pony had an image of the sun on her flank, and the darker pony had one of the moon. As he looked around, he realized that all of the ponies surrounding him had marks on their flanks. How could he have not noticed this before? He looked back to Iron Flyer, who had a mark of a battering ram with wings crashing through a castle wall. He put it into the back of his mind, as he had far more important things to worry about. He turned back to the two Princesses, waiting for a king or queen to appear. However, the lighter pony spoke to him.

"You do realize this looks quite bad to me, don't you?" She had a beautiful voice, backed by an air of regality and elegance. If Emmet didn't know better, he would of thought she was the Queen. When Emmet didn't answer, the Princess continued, "You come into this world, in what Prince Blueblood insists was an attack on his life, and not two hours later you injure a stallion in prison."

"I mean no disrespect Princess, but if I am to plead my innocence I wish to wait until the King or Queen arrives." The dark pony rose up off of her cushion, and glared at Emmet in fury.

"THOU DARE IMPLY THAT WE ARE NOT THE RIGHTFUL RULERS OF THIS LAND?!" Emmet recoiled in pain, as he was not expecting the the voice of a loudspeaker to come from the dark pegasus (unicorn? pegacorn?). The dark pony drew back for breath, but was blocked by a hoof from the lighter pony.

"Enough, dear sister, it would appear this creature does not follow the same government as Equestria." She turned back to Emmet, who was still cowed on his knees. "Am I right to assume that, in your government, the King and Queen take presidence over the Princes and Princesses?" Emmet slowly regained his senses, until he finally answered the pony's question.

"Yes, in my world the Princess is the daughter of the King or Queen, and the Prince is their son. However, we abandoned that system of government long ago, for if King or Queen became corrupt, then no one would be able to stop them. Nowadays, every four years the nation I came from votes on a new leader, and even then the leader, or President as we call them, has limited power." The light pony hhhmmmm-ed thoughtfully, and turned back to the human.

"Well, rest assured, we are the equivalent of a King or Queen in your world, and we will be deciding your punishment, or lack thereof." The pony paused to make sure she was understood, then continued. "Now, plead your case." Emmet took in a deep breath, and explained the situation of the prison fiasco too her.

"...and so you see Princess, while I may have had a part in starting the confrontation, he was the one to pull a knife, and I was acting in self-defense. Ask any of the prisoners or prison staff and they will tell the same thing" The Princess was silent for many moments, and Emmet was afraid she wouldn't believe him.

"I believe you." Emmet raised an eyebrow.

"Just like that?"

"Would you rather me convict you for the second time today?"

"Fair point, your majesty. However, how can you know you can trust me?" The Princess chuckled elegantly.

"When you've lived for over a thousand years, you become quite good at reading character." Emmet stared at her slack-jawed. "Is there something wrong?"

"Nothing, it's just that I thought I heard you say you were a thousand years old." The Princess chuckled again.

"That's because I am." Emmet didn't reply, and only made small sounds of exclamation. Finally, when he regained senses, he incoherently yelled,

"Why you no wrinkled?!" This time, the Princess let out full blown laughter, while the darker Princess just looked confused. In between fits of laughter, the Princess stuttered,

"You must be careful... if you keep this up... I may actually start to like you." Eventually, Emmet joined her, and even Princess Loudspeaker joined in the fun. When they began to calm down, the lighter Princess spoke. "Tell me, what is your name?"

"Emmet, Emmet Smith. And yours?"

"Princess Celestia, and my sister is-"

"Princess Luna. And we forgive thou for thy momentary lapse in manners."the darker pony interrupted. Princess Celestia leaned over, and whispered into Princess Luna's ear, they conferred for a few moments, and when they drew away, Princess Celestia smiled at Emmet.

"My sister and I have come to the conclusion that you are merely a victim of circumstance, and are not here with malicious intent. As such, we will supply you with a room at the castle, and we invite you to lunch tomorrow. We are eager to hear all about the strange land you come from." Emmet grinned, suddenly liking his prospects in this land much more. He bowed to the Princesses, and was about to walk away, when he remembered something very important.

"However, before I go, may I have some clothes?"

Chapter 3: I Have a Job for You

Chapter 3: I Have a Job for You

AN: I have a pre-reader! Yay!

Pre-read and edited by: caliban888

After Emmet's talk with the Princesses, they told one of the serving mares to lead him to the guest room, where he stood looking in a mirror. After the merriment of the past night, he had some time to think. It finally hit him that he was on the good side's of two of the most powerful creatures in the nation! He was set for life! He wasn't just some nobody on the street taking up odd jobs to scrape up cash! He was important! He would have money, power, friends... And there it was again. Friends. Something in him was screaming at him now, his subconscious mind working overtime to fix the error it had made earlier. And then he remembered.

"DEVON! YOU BASTARD!" He remembered what had happened in the moments before his switch into this world. Devon was going to kick him out! Him! Emmet may have not been the most savory of characters, but he wasn't a bad guy!

"Well, Devon, if you could see me now!" Emmet had crossed the border between worlds, not Devon! Emmet had climbed to the new horizon, not Devon! Emmet had... What was Emmet doing? He slowly sank down, ashamed of his thoughts, even if no one was around to witness them. Since when did Emmet go into mental monologue about his achievements? He finally reached the end of his bed, and shuddered. Something had come over him. And the more and more he thought about it, he was becoming sure that thing wasn't him. Something had tried to manipulate him. He glanced around the room, not sensing anything there. He thought back to the serpent he had seen in the stained glass windows. Was it him? Emmet wasn't sure what to think anymore. Apparently, this world was less sunshine and rainbows than he previously thought. As he lay his head on his pillow, he suddenly felt all of the fatigue and exhaustion that had been building up inside of him, and he shoved all other thoughts to the side as he gratefully accepted sleep's cool embrace.

When Emmet woke up, the first thing he noticed were his freezing feet. He looked down, seeing that they extended nearly a foot off the bed. The next thing he noticed was his grumpy stomach. He sat up, and looked around. It was still technically night, but he could see the very first few rays of sun spilling over the mountains in the distance and onto the large plain in between. It was a rather beautiful view. However, nature's beauty was never an object of fascination for Emmet, and he got out of the bed. On the far side of the room by the door he noticed a set of clothes, which he gratefully put on. Before he had gone to sleep, a slightly tan unicorn with a light blue mane walked into the room, with a measuring tape. Emmet specified in general the articles of clothes he wore, and the unicorn took his measurements. Emmet had never had an eye for fashion, but he still liked the clothes. When he put them on, he found that he looked a bit like a medieval noble.

(AN: Ignore the man, just focus on the clothes)

He slipped the clothes on, surprised at how comfortably they fit. The unicorn had really outdone himself. He went into the bathroom, and slapped himself, because he would have to take the clothes off to take a bath. He did so, mumbling curses under his breath. When he finally got out, he hurriedly put his clothes on for the second time and stepped outside. He was greeted by two pegasus guards, one of whom, to Emmet's relief, was Iron Flyer.

"Hello there, Emmet." Iron Flyer said it like they had had known each other for years. "We're here to accompany you around the castle wherever you may go." Emmet gave him his signature raised eyebrow.

"I thought the Princesses trusted me."

"Oh they do, but you can never be too careful when it comes to a royal's safety. Besides, this is more for your protection than theirs." Emmet just shrugged, knowing that it was a reasonable action.

"The Princesses advise that you walk around the castle and learn what you can about our world, as it seems you come from a place very different than ours. However, you will be free to ask them any questions at lunch. The mention of food reminded Emmet of his impatient stomach.

"Well, first course of action is to get me some food. To the kitchens!"

Emmet was amazed by the sheer size and grandeur of the banquet hall. Columns of gleaming white marble shot out towards the ceiling many meters above their heads. The floor shone like diamond, and the table was adorned with dozens of golden candlesticks. As he sat down, he was hurriedly approached by the waiter, a grey earth pony in a tux.

"Greetings, my good sir. What will you be having today." The waiter didn't even raise an eyebrow at Emmet's appearance. Apparently he was used to visitors of another species.

"Would you happen to serve meat? It's far too long since I've had a good steak." At this, however the waiter paled a small bit. he was used to serving meat-eaters, but they had never asked for beef before. Why, his niece had a friend who was a cow! He had never had to deal with a customer asking after a sentient creature's flesh!

"Umm, I-I'm afraid w-w-we don't s-serve b-beef here s-sir." Emmet saw the panicked look on his face, and immediately smacked his forehead.

"Damn, right. Ponies. Herbivores. Don't eat meat. Umm..."

"Oh, that's not the p-problem sir. We have plenty of m-manticore in the storeroom, It's just that ahhh..." The old pony averted his eyes from Emmet. "W-What you're asking me to do is murder." Emmet gave him a puzzled look, and then it all clicked. He slowly put his face in his palm.

"Crap, cows can talk too, can't they?" he moaned from in between his fingers. When he finally pulled away from his hands he saw the waiter nodding. "Sorry, where I come from, cows don't have even a tenth of the intelligence we do." He just waited a bit, and then said.

"You know what, how about an omelette. Would that be okay?"

"Y-Yes sir." The waiter then hurried off, practically running into the kitchen door. Emmet just sighed, and he felt a hoof on his shoulder. He looked up into Iron Flyer's eyes.

"It's alright, you had no idea." Iron Flyer looked at him, and then he face broke into a laugh. "Although, you should of seen the look on that guy's face!" He imitated it, his face growing paler and his face going up in sweat.

"I-I'm afraid w-w-we don't s-serve b-beef here s-sir." Slowly, the other Pegasus guard broke into a grin, and began to chuckle. Even Emmet loosened up a bit, until all three were laughing their heads off, the sounds of mirth bouncing around in the large hall.

"Okay, okay, I have to agree, he did look ridiculous." Emmet said between his roars of laughter.

Hours later, Emmet sat at the banquet hall once again, dining on a salad with no flowery bits and a bowl of what tasted like chili minus the meat. He supposed he'd have to get used to this everyone-is-afraid-of-meat deal. When they had nearly finished their food,  Princess Celestia turned to him.

"Well, now that we are done with our meals, I suppose we both have many questions to ask each other."

"True that." Emmet replied casually. Emmet noticed that most of the guards felt uncomfortable letting him talk to the Princess so informally. He just silently mouthed the words, "Deal with it," and turned back to the Princess. "First, I have something that's been burning my insides since I got here." Emmet gestured to one of the stained glass windows that seemed to be everywhere. It had the depiction of the strange serpent. "Who is he?" Both Princess Celestia's and Luna's faces hardened at the question, although they quickly softened, Celestia a bit quicker than Luna.

"That is Discord." Luna spoke elegantly as usual, but something in her tone seemed off. "He is the spirit of Chaos, and me and my sister imprisoned him in stone long ago. Emmet looked back at the window, and sure enough, he saw Celestia and Luna circling the monster, ready to strike. "Why the sudden interest?" Celestia continued.

"Well," Emmet replied, "in my world, there is a religion known as Christianity, and in it there is a similar creature. We call him Satan." Emmet took a deep breath, "Tell me, what power does this Discord possess?"

"He does not have much real power, however, he can persuade all but the most pure of creatures into turning against their own." Celestia replied, clearly uncomfortable with the conversation, "But please, let us not talk about such unpleasantness," she said, desperate to change the subject. "I have a question for you. Where do you come from? You are clearly not from Equestria, and in all my years I have never seen a.. what did you say you were?"

"I am a human, and I am come from the nation known as the United States of America, and the city of Boston." Emmet replied. "However, I am beginning to believe that where I come from is very far away from here. As in, I do not believe I am still on the same planet." A puzzled look crossed Celestia's face.

"What makes you say that?"

"Well, my species has traveled across every inch of our globe, and that an entire nation of talking ponies would pass our notice is highly unlikely." Emmet said as he chuckled to himself.

"Well, in any rate, you've answered my question, now it's back to you." Emmet stroked his chin, which was starting to grow a bit of stubble. He would have to find a way to shave soon enough. His eyes fell on the mark on Celestia's flank

"What are these tattoos I see on everyone's flanks?" He had been about to say, "Why do you have a mark on your ass?" but decided it may not have been the appropriate time. Celestia looked down at it, then turned back to Emmet.

"It is a cutie-mark, a symbol of a pony's special place in the world." Emmet had to stifle a laugh.

"I'm sorry, but... cutie mark?" Emmet snickered a little bit, but then put on a slightly more serious face. "Anyway, would it be to forward to ask you what your's means? And Luna's for that matter?" Celestia smiled at Emmet, which made her look even more angelic somehow.

"Well, I raise the sun every morning, and Luna raises the moon." Emmet just stared at them slack jawed.

"Hold it right there, I call bullshit. You're telling me that you raise the sun every day? And she raises the moon? I don't believe you." Celestia looked a bit shocked at this his sudden outburst, and Luna slowly rose form her cushion. She drew in a deep breath, and Emmet prepared for the oncoming ear slaughter, but it never came. Luna was just yelling, but not at loudspeaker levels.

"Thou dares to question our power?! We should have thou punished for thy-" She would have continued, if Celestia hadn't silenced her with a hoof.

"Hush, dear sister. It would appear that Emmet's world is more different than ours than we believed possible." Luna sat down, glaring daggers at Emmet. Celestia, satisfied that Luna had calmed down, turned once again to Emmet. Celestia opened her mouth to speak, but was interrupted by Luna.

"We believe that is our turn to ask a question, is it not?" Luna looked to Celestia, who nodded for her to continue. Luna rested her gaze upon Emmet, who squirmed slightly. "If you do not have two beings to control the sun and the moon, than how does the sun rise in your world?" Emmet prepared himself for a lengthy explanation.

"Well, our sun is suspended in space," He explained, grabbing a nearby orange and holding it up to symbolize the sun. "and the earth rotates around it slowly." he grabbed an olive and slowly circled it around the sun. "In addition, the earth rotates on a axis." He began to spin the olive in his fingers." Thus, the sun only shines on part of the earth at a time, creating the illusion that the sun rises and falls." Luna nodded, but then she frowned in confusion.

"However, thou art forgetting the moon. How doth it rise and fall?" Emmet nodded at her.

"You have a point. The answer is that the moon," he dropped the orange and picked up a raisin, "rotates around the earth." Luna and Celestia gave him skeptical looks, but eventually they seemed to accept the story. Luna turned back to her meal.

"We know that we only hath one question, but we ask you spare us the pleasure of another."

"Alright, shoot."

"What can thou control in thy world? Here, the weather is controlled by us, the animals are taken care of by us, and even the plants will not grow without our help. They way thou speaks indicates humans have no control of thine world. Is this true?"

"We can put the seeds where we want them to grow and tame animals from birth in the hopes they'll respond to commands, but other than that, nature will do whatever it wants to regardless of what we do." Celestia stared at her sister with wide eyes. This was the first time Emmet had seen real, true shock on her face. The Princess of the Sun turned to Emmet.

"Am I right to assume that humans have no access to magic?"

"Yes, yes you would." Both sisters stared at each other incredulously. Emmet was not sure why they were so surprised, and he began to shift uncomfortably in his seat. Finally, Celestia turned back to Emmet.

"How did you survive in those conditions?" Emmet was about to answer, but then caught himself, for he didn't know how. How would he be able to tell them about the entirety of human history and ingenuity without even Celestia dying of old age? As he thought of the predicament, a ridiculous idea formed in his head. It was stupid, but he knew of no greater way of conveying a message quickly.

"A short while ago, I heard a song. I believe that it sums up human history and motivation quite nicely. Would you mind if I sang it to you?" Celestia gestured for him to go ahead.

"I see no reason not to." Emmet sighed, and took in a deep breath, using his hands to set up a steady beat, he began to sing.

Youtube Video

(AN: Humans are terrifying)

When Emmet finished, he looked around and found that everyone was staring at him. He turned to the Princesses, who stared back. His message was sent. Princess Celestia was the first to speak.

"I see. That is how you survived. I take your species' history is a... violent one."

"We did what we had to survive, and killed anything that got in the way." Emmet paused, and looked down. "Even our own kind." There was an awkward silence. "I pray that you do not think me a monster, although you would probably be right to do so." The Princess of the Moon spoke up.

"Do not fear. I have learned through painful experience in the past few days that even the most lost souls can still be found." She glanced at her sister, and they shared something only they could see. "I only pray that your devotion to survival can be put into other causes."

"It can, and if I am to stay in this world for any period of time, then it is about time I learn to use what skills I have for the benefit of pony-kind." Emmet saw that Celestia was thinking on something, and decided not to interrupt her. Eventually, she looked to Emmet with a serious look that scared Emmet more than facing down Luna at full volume.

"Judging from your...incident in the prison, I take you have received combat training? The prisoner's reported you seemed to know exactly how to defeat him."

"This is true, I trained for seventeen years in martial arts and seven in Japanese sword fighting." Emmet said trying and failing to sound brave under her terrifying gaze.

"In that case, I have a job for you."

Chapter 4: The Demon to Protect the Angel

Chapter 4: The Demon to Protect the Angel

Edited and pre-read by: caliban888

"What kind of job?" Emmet asked the Princess warily.

"Only a few days ago, I sent my star pupil, Twilight Sparkle, to the quite town of Ponyville to learn the magic of friendship."

"Oh no, I see where this is going," Emmet interrupted, "and trust me, I do not babysit." He remembered back many years ago to his niece's birthday. "Never again." He muttered under his breath.

"This is no petty babysitting job." Celestia commanded in a regal tone. "She is old enough to take care of herself and, in fact, controls one of six parts of Equestria's greatest defense mechanism, the Elements of Harmony" Emmet whistled appreciatively. "However, in her first day, she was attacked by Nightmare Moon."  Emmet saw Luna wince, and he suspected she had something to do with it. However, if the Princess of the Sun was willing to have her around, that was her problem. "It has occurred to me that, as both my personal pupil and a bearer of one of the the Elements of Harmony, which, might I add, need all six bearers alive to function, she will be targeted by our enemies. I am consumed with worry for her, and I cannot find any soldiers here who have been trained long enough. We are not a militaristic world, nor did we have the need for protection before, so the training our soldiers have received is minimalist at best. This doubles to serve that the Elements of Harmony are our only solid defense, making her safety that much more important. I'd send her brother, but he is needed here." Emmet soaked this all in, but then decided there were a few matters that need to be solved.

"I hate to jeopardize my new-found stature in this world, but how do you know that I have the skills you need? If this is a matter of national security, than I don't want to let my pride get in the way of the people's safety." Celestia nodded with agreement

"You have a fair point. As such, we will prepare a test to see your abilities."

"If that will be the case, I will require a few things." Celestia cocked her head.

"Such as?"

"As you can see, humans do not have any natural weapons, like claws or scales. So, we used our ingenuity to make thousands of different kinds of artificial weapons. Given our hands," he pointed at the tentacle-like protrusions that Celestia had been trying not to stare at, "they were easy to make and wield. I practiced using a small, agile sword made for defensive parrying and counters, known as the wakizashi. What it lacked in offensive power I make up for in Tae Kwon do skill." Celestia nodded.

"Very well, you may meet with the castle blacksmith to obtain this...wakizashi." she said, tripping a bit on the last word.

"Secondly, I will require housing almost immediately, and it will have to be custom built," Emmet said as he gestured to the awkward way he sat at the still-made-for-ponies table, "considering that I am much differently built than the rest of your citizens."

"Very well. We will schedule a meeting with the castle architect for you to design the plans of your new home."

"Brilliant! When do I start?"

"You seem to have forgotten the test." Celestia said with a chuckle

"Oh, yeah, that." Emmet was confident he would pass this test, but he was beginning to have his doubts. The wakizashi was a very difficult blade to make, and required years of careful training to achieve the strength and durability they required to block larger blades. How could the blacksmith make one that wouldn't break after the first swing if he had never made one before? Emmet decided that the sooner he met this blacksmith, the sooner they could answer that question.

"If you'll excuse me, the wakizashi will take time to make, so the sooner I find this blacksmith, the better.

"Of course." Celestia said with a smile. "We'll send a message to him that you're coming."

"Excellent! Now, if you'll excuse me." Emmet stood up, grateful to be out of the chair, "I gotta go get me a badass sword!" Celestia just stared at his retreating form.

"One moment he's talking like a gentlemen, the next...this."

"The humans art a strange race indeed." Luna agreed.

When Emmet arrived at the blacksmith's shop, the smith ran to greet him. He was a black unicorn with a large amount of muscle mass, and he had a cutie mark of an light shining through a blueprint onto an anvil, creating a projection onto the hunk of metal. At first, the smith was surprised at the way the human looked, but, seeing as he made armor for a variety of species, shrugged it off as soon as he could. He had to crane his neck to look into the human's eyes, and took a couple steps back.

"The name's Smitheye Abrams. I got the message from Celestia, and it appears you need a weapon?"

"That's right, however, I hope you're a fast learner. The sword I need is difficult to make, and it takes years of practice to get it right."

"Well, then, looks like you're in luck! My special talent is getting a concept and making it a reality!" the large smith said as he gestured to his cutie-mark. "Just show me a sketch labeling the different parts, and I'll have this sword thing ready in a jiffy!"

And so, Emmet drew up a sketch of the wakizashi, pointing out the parts that needed to be softer in order to absorb shock and the the parts that needed to be harder to achieve a good, lasting cutting edge.

"I see." The blacksmith mused. "By making different parts of the sword denser than the others, It isn't too brittle that it shatters or too soft that the edge dulls. It's rather brilliant,"

"We humans had thousands of years to perfect them.

"You weren't kidding when you said this was a hard piece to make." The smith said, rubbing his mane with his hoof. "Come on back tomorrow, it should be done by then," They gave their farewells, and Emmet decided to meet up with the architect, as it was about the time of the meeting. When he entered, he saw a brown pegasus bent over a blank sheet of paper. The elderly pegasus looked up at him and smiled.

"You must be Emmet, right?" He said in a soft voice.

"The one and only." The old pegasus nodded and looked back to the paper.

"So, from what I gather you need a custom-made house."

"Eeyup."

"Well then. Tell me the specifics while I note them down."

"Well, all of the doors should need to be my shape, so about eight feet tall and four and a half feet wide." The pegasus quickly wrote down some notes next to a slowly growing schematic of the house. "Secondly, the stairs need to be much shorter than the ones here."

"I'm afraid I need exact figures."

"Oh... a foot wide and... seven inches tall." More sketching and note taking. "The ceilings need to be at least 12 feet tall."

"How high do you want the windows to be off the ground?"

"As long as they can be looked out of at five feet off the ground it doesn't matter." Emmet was reveling in this new treatment. Custom houses, weapons, and all of it paid by someone else? He could get used to it.

And so it went on. Emmet would tell the architect what to build, the architect would ask a question every now and then, all the while creating the schematics of Emmet's new home. When all was said and done, the two admired the finished drawing.

"Just imagine how it would look once it's built." The old pegasus beamed at his newest creation.

"I must admit, that is one pimpin' house." The architect looked questioningly to Emmet. "Sorry, human way of saying it looks sick."

"You think the house is ill?"

"No, sick is a way of saying... you know what? Nevermind. It looks amazing. Thanks for the help." The two shook hands. And Emmet walked out into the night air. The whole place felt magical, although Emmet supposed that was because it was, indeed, imbued with magic. He had seen many contraptions similar to those of Earth powered by magic. Whereas humans used electricity to power their machines, magic was simply another method to the same means. Magic was everywhere. Magic was in the air. As Emmet walked back to the castle, he wondered what in the world could possibly be a threat to Twilight.

In the space between worlds, Discord watched as Emmet walked peacefully down the city streets.

"You wonder what could be a threat to Twilight, young Emmet." The serpent chuckled lightly to himself. "Twilight's greatest threat isn't Nightmare Moon, or the Changelings,  or King Sombra. It's not even me." Discord leaned in closer to the image of Emmet. "It's you."

The next day, Emmet went to visit Smitheye. He found him hunched over a table, and heard a repeated scratching sound.

"Hey there." The brown unicorn turned his head to him, and smiled with pride. He swiveled around, and revealed a whetstone in one hoof and the wakizashi in the other. Emmet was still at a loss as to how the ponies held things without hooves. He was beginning to suspect that their hooves were able to magically magnetize objects or something.

"Here she is." Smitheye held out the small blade, and Emmet held it up to the light. The edge was sharp, and the blade itself was well balanced. However, when he brought the edge of the blade down on the table, he could see scratches and marks running along the blade.

"I'm sorry. She's perfect in every other way, but she simply won't be able to hold in a prolonged fight." He hated to see the old smith's spirits crushed, but it was that or a cracked skull or shattered blade. The smith looked at the floor. "Hey, don't feel bad. Most human smiths could never dream of achieving even this on their first try. You should be proud." As Emmet tried to console the old smith, he saw his horn, and got an idea.

"Wait, you can perform magic, can't you?" The smith looked up to the young human.

"Well, of course, I use it to occasionally enchant the me..tal." he said, as he slowly caught on to Emmet's plan. "Wait, are you suggesting I use magic-"

"-to keep the sword's shape? I don't see why not!" A smile slowly grow along Emmet's face, but was quickly dispelled when he saw the smith shaking his head.

"I'm afraid that won't work. The Princess explained to me that you have no magic, and a spell such as that would require you to supply it with periodically to keep the spell active." Emmet frowned with frustration. If he couldn't get this sword, then Celestia might as well hire someone else. As he sat there, another idea began to form in his mind. It was a terrible idea. Immoral. Horrifying. He loved it.

"Tell me, almost every creature here has magic contained inside of it, right?"

"True."

"Well," Emmet paused, "what if the blade stole the magic from the people it kills to fuel the spell?" The smith just stared at Emmet with horror, and Emmet was afraid he had just branded himself a monster. But then, a devilish grin spread evilly across the unicorn's muzzle, and the long shape of his face made him look truly demonic.

"Brilliant. Utter, terrifying brilliance. As long as you keep on slaying enemies in battle, the stronger the sword gets, which allows you to kill even more, in an endless feedback loop of death. I love it." Any thoughts Emmet had of overly-innocent ponies were dispelled.

"I'm glad you agree. We may make a human of you yet." Smitheye smiled with his new friend. He hoped he'd get to meet this strange creature more often.

Emmet stood in an expansive courtyard, Celestia's sun lazily hovering above the distant mountains. Speak of the devil, Princess Celestia and her sister were sitting close by under the shade of a tree, accompanied by a small group of soldiers. Emmet held a thick wooden cane for the demonstration, not wanting to wear out the enchantment Smitheye had set on his new blade. In front of him stood an obstacle course, two unicorns, each with a stack of smooth, round stones, and finally, a pegasus guard. The test was simple. Run the obstacle course, not get hit by the stones which the unicorns would throw at them, and defeat the guard. Emmet took in a deep breath, feeling the tension that permeated the air. Sweat ran down his forehead, and he lowered into a ready stance, he looked to Celestia, who nodded at Luna. The Princess of the Night inhaled deeply.

"LET THE TEST BEGIN!"

Emmet took off like a dart, quickly approaching the first stage of the obstacle course. It was simple, metal bars laid horizontally in the air on wooden supports at different heights. As he jumped and ducked under, over, and in between the metal bars, Princess Luna nodded in appreciation. Celestia simply stared with a hard gaze, examining Emmet's every move. He moved to the next section of the obstacle course, a simple wall with a few bricks jutting out a few inches. He quickly scaled the walls, and Celestia examined the quick way his fingers gripped the bricks. She realized just what an advantage they could be. Emmet scaled the wall, and vaulted into the next section, a three foot wide plank spanning a small ditch, with foot wide wooden poles swinging over the bridge. Emmet weaved in between them, narrowly avoiding a collision near the middle. He made his way to the other side, and jumped over a small gap into the section cleared for the unicorns. Giving him no time to rest, they raised the first of the stones in their magical grasp, and hurled them towards Emmet ruthlessly. He began dodging and deflecting the stones with his makeshift wakizashi. The two unicorns began throwing the stones faster and harder, and Emmet was afraid he would make a mistake when the onslaught finally ended. He saw that the unicorns were breathing heavily from magical exhaustion, and the pile of stones were gone. At last, Emmet moved to the last section of the test. He stood before the pegasus, and bowed to his opponent. The pegasus nodded his head in appreciation, and braced himself for combat with a snort. Emmet reversed the cane in his grip, so it was running along the length of his forearm. He would use his martial arts to win this fight. Emmet and the pegasus circled each other, waiting for an opportunity. Emmet saw it first. The guard stumbled slightly on an uneven cobblestone. His guard dropped for a few moments, and Emmet took the opportunity to move in. However, the guard had been bluffing, and at the last moment turned his stumble into a spin, with his rear hooves reared to buck Emmet straight in the stomach. Emmet didn't have the time to escape, and felt what seemed like an entire football team tackling him all at once. He rolled away from the pegasus, and spun back into a crouched position. This guy was better than Emmet had thought. However, humans fought out of necessity. We had years to perfect every single way of gaining the advantage in battle. This pegasus was trained as part of an afterthought. Emmet decided it was time to teach these ponies the difference. He quickly stood up to his full height, and began to meander slowly towards the pegasus. The guard stiffened, unsure what the human was up to. Emmet inched just a few feet closer. He then exploded over the pegasus, and in mid jump turned to his opponent. Just as expected, the pegasus was rearing his hooves for another buck. When the pegasus extended his legs, he was surprised to hit empty air. He was even more surprised that his right back leg was caught firmly in Emmet's grasp. Before he could react, he felt a painful whack in his side, and saw turned to see the tip of Emmet's cane pressed firmly into his ribs. Right where his heart was. He was about to concede defeat, but Emmet wasn't done yet. He still had a point to prove. He dragged the guard's leg back, bringing his face up to Emmet's. Emmet quickly put the guard into a head lock, the back of his head held firmly to Emmet's chest. Emmet began to slowly bend the pegasus' head to the side, twisting it painfully. The guard groaned, and flailed his hoof uselessly against Emmet's leg.

ENOUGH! WE HAVE SEEN ALL WE NEED! Emmet looked to the Princesses, and saw them glaring at him with hard looks. He looked down at the pegasus between his triceps, and quickly let him go.

"Sorry 'bout that, went a little bit overboard there." Emmet said apologetically. The pegasus rubbed his neck tenderly.

"No problem. I was warned you might do that." The guard walked off in the direction of the barracks, trying to hold his injuries while hobbling on three legs. Emmet felt sorry for the poor guy, but turned back to the Princesses. They looked into his eyes, and quickly conferred with each other. They looked back to Emmet.

"You did not have to hurt that pegasus so." Princess Celestia said, "You were ruthless, and showed no mercy. But you went too far."

Emmet hung his head, knowing that they would never hire him now. Princess Luna was the next to speak

"Thou art just what we need. Thou art hired." she said. Emmet looked between the Princesses, his jaw hanging loosely from his skull.

"The enemies Twilight will be facing will show no one mercy, and will stop at nothing to kill her." Celestia said. She sighed to herself. "While I adore my little ponies, they will likely feel inclined to forgive their enemies, as is their nature. You will show no such kindness. And that is what we want. If someone threatens her safety, we permit you, no, command you to stop them, and immediately bring them to us." Emmet nodded, and sank to one knee, bowing to the Princesses.

"I accept this responsibility and the challenges that come with it." he vowed. Princess Luna gestured for him to rise.

"We pray thy skills art unnecessary." The Princess of the Moon decreed. Her sister nodded in agreement.

"Very well. You will be head to the town of Ponyville tomorrow."  Princess Celestia said. She turned to walk away, as did Emmet.

"Emmet, would thou mind if we spoke to thou for a moment?" Princess Luna asked. Emmet looked to her and shrugged.

"I don't see why not." The Princess turned and walked towards the castle gardens, and Emmet jogged up to her. When they finally reached the garden, the Princess spoke in a stern voice.

"You heard mention that my sister wishes you to bring any threats to Twilight to us, no?" Emmet nodded. The Princess sighed deeply. She looked straight into Emmet's eyes. "I shall keep this brief. If it becomes necessary to kill one soul to save many." She paused. "Then I trust you to make the right decision." Emmet nodded again, understanding her message.

"Yes, your majesty."

"Please, just call me Luna."

"Of course, your maje-Luna." The Princess chuckled, and the two went back to their respective quarters for the night.

Chapter 5: A Warm Reception

Chapter 5: A Warm Reception

Edited by: caliban888

It had been three weeks since Emmet's test. His home was finally built, the furniture assembled, and the ponies notified of their new resident. They hadn't been told where Emmet had come from, since, in truth, neither the Princesses nor Emmet were quite sure. Now he sat on his bed, with his belongings packed before him. It wasn't much of a sight, most of Emmet's things had been sent to his new home, just a few extra sets of clothes and his wakizashi. He clipped the small blade onto his hip, as he would have to begin carrying it around with him wherever he went. He looked into a nearby mirror, and chuckled to himself. The medieval western clothes and Japanese sword didn't seem quite right. He shrugged. Whatever enemy he faced would think it was funny until the wakizashi was rammed up to the hilt in their rib cage. He turned back to his belongings and picked them up with his left hand, using his right to open the door to his room. He found two guards waiting for him there.

"Princess Celestia has commanded us to bring you to the train to Ponyville, sir." the guard to the left said. "Right this way." The guards led Emmet though the maze of walls and hallways that was Canterlot Castle out into the bright sunlight. Emmet noticed the train in the distance, puffing up steam. He had to stifle a laugh when he saw that the train had hearts on the front, but then again, almost everything in this world was strange like that. As the young human walked on, he noticed that everybody-pony was giving him weird stares. He just looked at all the haughty faces around him, and turned to smile and wave. However, the wave found itself turning into a middle finger, and the surrounding ponies immediately looked away with varying degrees of embarrassment and huffiness. While they had never seen the gesture before, Emmet's body language made the message clear. The guard to his right, a slightly blue tinted earth pony, didn't get it, however.

"What does that mean?" the guard said, pointing with a hoof to Emmet's still-gesturing hand. An impish grin spread across Emmet's grin.

"Why, it's the human's universal way of saying, 'Fuck off'," The guard just stared at him in shock, then quickly recomposed himself, staring unblinkingly forward. Emmet chuckled gleefully to himself, and practically skipped the rest of the way to the train. Emmet was back in action baby! After a few minutes, Emmet and the guards got to the train, and they found the Princesses waiting there for them.

"I wish you luck on your mission, Emmet." Princess Celestia said in her usual elegant voice. Princess Luna smiled with her sister.

"Thanks. I'd love to stay and chat but..." the train whistle shrieked loudly, and he an "All aboard" from farther down the train. "I've got a train to catch." As he was about to leave, Celestia stopped him. She stared into his eyes with that look that made Emmet suddenly wish he was very, very, small.

"When you meet Twilight, just tell her that you're a precaution. She needs to learn the power of friendship, and I don't want her worked up over potential threats. If you can, try to stop them before she knows they're there. She needs a calm, peaceful environment."

"That sentence would have been seriously badass if you weren't talking about friendship powers." Both Princesses face-hoofed in unison.

"Perhaps it would be best if thou just got on the train." Princess Luna said, "Now."

"Alright, alright, I can take a hint. But seriously," Emmet suddenly took on a more serious demeanor, "if anything tries to harm to the Princess that I can't handle alone, how can I contact you?"

"Twilight Sparkle's assistant, Spike, will be able to send messages to me should the need arise."

"Very well then." Emmet took the first step into the train, and waved goodbye to the two Princesses. "See ya later!"

"Farewell Emmet!" Emmet leaned out the window, watching the white and purple spots becoming tiny little dots, and then vanish altogether. Emmet leaned back into the train, and awkwardly took a seat, he would be glad to sit in a normal chair again. And so Emmet sped away into his new life.

Emmet had been staring out of the window for quite some time, but he could see out of the corner of his eye that a little colt was looking at him.

"What is that, mommy?" he heard the little filly whisper not-so-quietly.

"Hush Button, that's impolite." the mother replied in an extremely comforting voice that made Emmet somehow feel safer. Emmet turned fully to the two ponies. The mother was a tan earth pony, with a darker tan mane tied together with red strips, and a cutie mark of a pink heart and a bottle. Emmet guessed that it meant being a very good mother. It explained the oddly hypnotic voice. The colt was a much darker, brownish tan with an orangish-brown mane and reddish-orange eyes, and he wore a small hat with a green propeller on top that was spinning despite the lack of wind in the train car. When the two noticed him looking at them, the mother smiled apologetically while the colt hid under his seat. Emmet smiled at the mother.

"Don't worry, I get his kind of stuff all the time here. Besides, you should let him get a good look. I'm the only one of my kind he's ever gonna see." The mother frowned.

"Why's that?"

"I'm the only one left!" Emmet saw the mother pony's face explode with pity and concern, and he realized how utterly depressing that sounded. "Let me rephrase that. I'm the only one left here. There are billions of humans like me, but they're very far away from here." He made a grand sweeping gesture upwards to the sky. "Like, wwwaaayyyy far away." The earth pony still looked a tad concerned, but not the soul-wrenching agony from before.

"Isn't it lonely?" she asked, cocking her head.

"With every day being a big fu-" Emmet looked to the chair where the colt was still hiding, "...screw you to the laws of physics and logic I know, I hardly notice." The mother smiled, and looked down where her son was under the chair.

"It's ok, Button, you can come out now. Why don't you introduce yourself?" Emmet saw a little brown and orange blob slowly rise from the floor. Finally, it seemed to regain a semblance of courage and rose back to it's seat. Button, as it seemed the pony was called, rose his shaky eyes to meet Emmet's. When Emmet didn't snarl or bare his fangs, Button deemed the strange man safe,

"Hi, my name is Button Mash. I'm eight years old." The colt paused, and Button's mom nodded for him to continue. "What's your name? And, if you don't mind me asking..." Button turned to his mom, who motioned for him to continue cautiously. "Why are you wearing clothes? It's pretty hot out, so I don't understand why somepony would need clothes." Emmet just nodded.

"Good question. As you can see, I don't have much fur except for the top of my head." Emmet said as he rolled up his sleeve, showing off its hairless nature. "As a result, I need more insulation to keep warm. In addition, in human society, it's considered extremely shameful to show certain areas of the body naked, to the point where one can get arrested for public indecency if they leave the house without clothes." Button Mash frowned in confusion.

"Why is that?" Emmet just stammered a bit, not sure how to answer. The rules on nudity were different here, but what about the rules on teaching kids about... that side of life? He had no idea how to react, He looked to Button's mom for guidance. She just looked at him in confusion, not sure why he had suddenly become so red. Emmet quickly leaned over and whispered into her ear the basics of human reproduction, and she stiffened visibly.

"Well, Button," the mother began in a nervous tone, and she tried to put on a winning smile. "this is a rather... touchy subject for Emmet to discuss. And he um, would really rather not talk about it. Okay?" Button just tilted his head sideways, and then shrugged and reached into a saddlebag on the floor.

"Whatever." he said, as he pulled out a small object from the bag and began mashing at it furiously at it while it booped and beeped. Slowly, realization began to hit Emmet, and he leaned over to investigate. Just as he had hoped, he saw Button staring at a small screen, with a small pony taking down hoards of enemies. Button felt a small drop on his hand, and looked up to see Emmet there, crying. Button's mom noticed too, and was slightly apprehensive and more than a little creeped out by Emmet's behavior.

"Uhhh," Button began.

"Are you alright?" His mother finished for him. Emmet just ignored them, and continued to stare at the screen.

"You have video-games here?" He asked hopefully, smiling while crying tears of pure joy. Button paused the game, and looked at him with a raised eyebrow.

"Uhh, yeah, I play them all the time. Why? Do you like-"

"YYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSS! OH SWEET MOTHER OF GOD YYYYEEEEEEESSS!" Both mother and son were shocked by this sudden outburst as Emmet flopped back into his own seat, pumping his fists triumphantly in the air.

"WE GOT VIDEO GAMES!" Button and his mother were suddenly very glad that they were the only ones in the train car with Emmet, no doubt he would have attracted some unwanted attention.

"So..." Button's mom said slowly, "I take it you like video games?" Emmet suddenly sat up, and stared intensely into her eyes.

"My job is video games. My free time is video games. My LIFE is video games." Button suddenly looked ecstatic.

"You like video games too! Finally, someone else besides me in that old town!" Button yelled. The young colt looked up to his mother. "Well, except for my mom of course." Emmet looked at Button's mom.

"You play games?" She nodded, and Emmet looked seriously at Button.

"You," he said, "are one lucky son of a gun." punctuating each word by jabbing his finger at him. Emmet only wished his parents would play games with him. While martial arts and sword fighting were great passions for Emmet, he felt just the same way about games. He loved them. Perhaps just a little too much. Emmet looked up to the ceiling, slumping down into the chair. He sighed contentedly, and finally turned to Button Mash and his mother.

"So where are you guys heading to?"

"Back home, to Ponyville. Me and Button here were just going to the latest gaming convention back in Manehatten." Emmet laughed a little.

"Well, what do you know, that's where I'm headed too!" Emmet exclaimed. Button began to yell with his slightly annoying but at the same time endearing voice.

"Really!? Can we hang out some time? Can we Mom? Please?" Button's mother looked hesitantly at Emmet. She wasn't sure whether or not to trust this strange creature. She used that stare that mothers have that let's know that if you even think about lying to them they'll rip your heart out.

"I'm not sure." She said, leaning towards Emmet slightly, who suddenly felt like Luna just caught him naked in the shower. The urge to run and hide was making Emmet's head throb in the way only a mother protecting her child can. "I'm not sure if I can trust him." Emmet gulped, leaning as far away as he could from the lovely thing that came straight out of a nightmare staring into the very corners of his soul. Emmet shook his head and regained his posture, and put on a smile.

"Oh, I assure you I can. I love kids." He turned to Button and ruffled his mane. "Especially ones who play video-games." As he pulled his hand away from Button he took the chance to flick the colt on the tip of his muzzle.

"Hey!" Button said, however he was scrunching up his nose so much that his voice came out nasally and squeaky. This made his mother laugh.

"I think you two will get along just fine." she said

Emmet stepped off of the train into the quiet town of Ponyville. It seemed peaceful enough, and wherever he looked he could see wood and thatch buildings with the occasional crazily shaped store. As he walked through the streets, periodically looking down at a map, he walked past what must have been the most outrageous store he had seen yet. The entire building looked like a gingerbread house, complete with wooden frosting and candles and the top. Emmet assumed that this was a part of how the ponies named things. They like for a name to have meaning, such as Smitheye for a smith who works by eye and Luna for the Princess of the moon, and he assumed this whole store thing he kept on seeing tied into that. As he walked past the store, a sudden bolt of pink blasted out of the front door and grabbed hold of Emmet's shoulders.

"GAH! Get off it of me!" Emmet had begun to draw the wakizashi, but was stopped by a very pink hoof. Suddenly, and equally pink face was shoved into his face.

"HI my name is Pinkamena Diane Pie but all of my friends call me Pinkie Pie and you can too cause you're my best friend and hey I just noticed that you aren't a pony but if you aren't a pony than what could you be you have hands like a Diamond Dog's but your's are much more slender and delicate looking and not to mention you're almost completely hairless!" The extremely pink pony suddenly sank onto her haunches and took deep breaths for a few moments. She was about to begin again when Emmet shushed her with a finger. He spoke in a slow and calm voice.

"Hi there. My name is Emmet Gilroy Smith. I am a human, and I'm looking for a person named Twilight Sparkle. Would you happen to know where she is?" He could feel her energetically quivering underneath his hand. He knew exactly where to go, but he thought it would be a good idea to try and give this young mare something other than him to focus on. Pinkie giggled.

"Well of course I do, silly. Twilight's only my bestest of best friends!" She pointed wildly down one of the streets. "Come on, I'll take you there." Emmet hesitated, but then decided that there was no point in turning down her offer, since she was in fact going the same way he had been planning on going. Pinkie got up and began bouncing down the street she had pointed to. Emmet had to lightly jog to keep up with her as she jumped up and down on the cobblestone steps. This place was weird like that. They had video-games and trains, but they also had castles, Princesses, and old fashioned cobblestone roads. Emmet had learned that this universe seemed not to give a single fuck about his concepts of normalcy. Not a single one. Pinkie had been chatting away about whatever had popped in her head, but Emmet didn't seem to notice. Finally, they turned a corner, and Emmet saw something straight out of a Disney movie. It was a massive, stumpy tree, and an entire house had been simply carved inside of it.

"This is the place." Pinkie Pie said. She gestured impatiently for Emmet to go through. When he went in, the entire place was dark. All the shutters had been pulled shut so the entire place was shrouded in shadow.

"SURPRISE!"

Emmet reeled back at the sudden burst of light, sound, color and movement. He fell neatly on his rump, his eyes swimming with stars. When he finally gained enough sense to see, how saw that the whole of the library was crowded with ponies, unicorns, and pegasi pf every size, shape, and color, and all of the had party hats or noise-makers, and the banisters were wrapped in pink streamers. He looked to Pinkie, who whipped a noise maker out of nowhere and blew it noisily in his face. She laughed at the look of surprise on his face.

"Oh come on silly, you didn't think you could just waltz into town without receiving a super special Pinkie Pie Welcome-To-Ponyville Party, now could you?" Pinkie suddenly reared onto her hind legs, and pointed heroically into the middle of the room, where a large, pink and white cake stood. "My cake needs me! See ya in a bit!" And she dashed off through the crowd. As Emmet stood up, several of the braver ponies came up and clapped Emmet on the back, with various greetings and welcomes. Emmet finally stood to his full height, and several of the ponies shied away slightly at the sight of the creature that was now nearly two feet taller than them. Emmet just looked at them, and gave them a ridiculous smile.

"Excuse me for a moment, I think I left my sanity back in Canterlot. Could you give me a moment?" They all chuckled at this, and soon got over his alien appearance. After an hour of cake eating, introducing, and chatting, Emmet was getting bored. He was eventually approached by a purple unicorn with a dark purple mane with magenta and pink highlights. She smiled as she approached Emmet, and when she got withing reach extended him a hoof.

"Twilight Sparkle. You must be Emmet." Emmet had to sink to one knee to shake her hoof, and he gave her a smile in return.

"The one and only, at your service." Emmet looked her over a little. She seemed pretty sprightly, and slightly eager to please. Emmet stood back up to his full height, and stuck his hands in his pockets. He noticed she was giving him a slightly strange look.

"Is something wrong?" She blushed when she realized she had been caught staring, and it made her look adorable. Emmet fought the urge to pick her up like a puppy.

"Nothing, it's just that..." she looked over Emmet once more, "Promise you won't hate me when I say this?" Emmet raised his eyebrow.

"I've been hired as your personal bodyguard for life. I'll have time to get over it."

"Well, how can you protect me if you don't have any claws or anything? I mean, you're kinda big, but you don't seem to have any defenses that I don't have already." She saw Emmet's eyes glint with gleeful malice. It kinda scared her.

"Well, that's true. I don't have many defenses other than a mediocre ability to climb. However, what made my race thrive was our heads." He knocked on his skull for emphasis. "We developed ways to make up for our lacking physical abilities. We did not have claws, so we made swords. He unsheathed his wakizashi with a rasping sound, and held it up for emphasis. "While our body's aren't meant to fight unarmed, they are perfectly tailored to fighting with our creations." Twilight eyed the wakizashi. It was strangely beautiful. However, it didn't seem like much against Nightmare Moon.

"I see you're still not convinced. Well, think of it like this." Emmet said as he sheathed the small blade. "The human race survived with no ability to perform magic in a world where the weather controlled itself, the animals were out for our blood, and there was no way of knowing whether or not the next harvest would go smoothly or not." Emmet smiled as he saw the look of wonder across Twilight's face. "Still have any doubts?" Twilight broke out of her amazement and smiled with appreciation.

"I can't think of a better bodyguard than Princess Celestia herself." she said. Emmet nodded.

"Now, I've had a long day, and I think it was about time I got to my new home."

"Of course." Most of the guests had left, except for a few groups chatting away. Emmet made his way to the door, and pushed out into the clear night air. The party had gone on for quite a while. Emmet made his way to his new home, humming an old tune into the crisp shadow of the night.

Chapter 6: KILL IT WITH FIRE!

Chapter 6: KILL IT WITH FIRE!

Edited by: caliban888

Emmet woke up in his beautifully made for human bed, and turned on his beautifully made for human lamp on his beautifully made for human bedside counter. As much as he was beginning to like these ponies, he really resented their short, stumpy and awkwardly shaped furniture and buildings. Emmet sat up on the side of his bed, stretching his back and shoulder muscles as far as they would go until slumping with his hands on his knees. He finally sat up, and walked over to his dark oaken wardrobe, selected his favorite (and only) outfit, and made his way to the door. He took one final look into the interior of his new home. It was rather cozy, with soothing oak floors, walls and ceilings, along with lots of windows for light. It had two stories, something Emmet never had since he had moved out of his parent's house, and everything was beautifully crafted. Emmet sighed in contention.

"Being a bodyguard is a far more lucrative job than I thought," he said to himself. However, he soon became bored, clipped on the ever-present wakizashi, and headed out the door. Emmet's house was situated close to the edge of town, only a half a football field from Twilight's tree library, which Emmet learned also doubled as her house. It seemed like a major fire hazard, but this was a world of unicorns, pegasi, and eternally spinning propeller beanies. He wouldn't be surprised if fire had to ask permission before burning a house down. Emmet chuckled at the mental images that brought on, and decided to make his way to the library to accompany Twilight. It was, after all, the reason he had that nice house to live in anyways.

As Emmet walked in the door, the first thing he noticed was the smell of glorious food wafting around the room, curling around the book shelves and lazily hanging from the ceiling. Emmet's stomach proceeded to angrily growl at him, and Emmet realized he hadn't had any food since the cake from his welcoming party. He slowly ambled around, trying to locate the source of that utterly glorious smell. Finally, he heard the sound of water boiling and light humming coming from one of the nearby rooms. He slowly creeped towards the doorway, like a predator before prey, and peaked around the corner of the doorway. At first he saw a kitchen, and the amazing smell of vegetables, eggs and toast assaulted Emmet's nose like a battering ram of buttery goodness. Then he noticed the creature that was cooking. It was purple and green, and was covered in scaly hide. The creature turned around to grab something from the fridge, when it noticed Emmet. And it's face! Emmet thought it looked like a gremlin with baby fat.

"OH DEAR GOD WHAT IS IT KILL IT WITH FIRE!" They shouted in unison. They both reeled back in horror at the each other.

"What the hell are you!?" Emmet yelled at the creature.

"I could ask you the same question!" It replied. They stood there for a few moments, when they heard a groan from upstairs and the clacking sounds of hooves on wood. The scaly creature glared angrily at Emmet.

"See what you've done!? You've woken Twilight," it said. Emmet huffed in indignation.

"Oh, so this is my fault, is it? Well, if you weren't so funny looking, I wouldn't have yelled at you!" The creature raised an eyebrow.

"Says the pink worm with a patch of hair on it's skull and freakishly long hands." The creature gestured to it's own, slightly stubbier hands. "At least mine are a nice length." It was at this time that Twilight walked into the room, woken up by the commotion. She looked between her two employees, the assistant and the bodyguard. The assistant was the first to speak up.

"Hey there Twilight. I was just about to tell this very loud and obnoxious guest to leave." Emmet turned to Twilight, sticking a thumb at the scaly creature.

"Wait, you know this guy?" he said to her. The guy in question looked quizzically at Twilight. Twilight just giggled.

"Yes, I know him. Emmet, this is Spike, my personal assistant, and he is a baby dragon. Spike, this is Emmet, my new bodyguard." Spike looked between the two, confused.

"But, why would you need a bodyguard? I mean, you defeated Nightmare Moon for crying out loud! I doubt he's necessary." Spike said.

"Princess Celestia herself hired Emmet. I trust her judgement." Twilight looked to Emmet. "Although, I am a bit curious as to your reasons for being here." Emmet suddenly looked very nervous. He remembered Celestia's order not to reveal too much, but he was blanking on what to say.

"Well, you see... in the recent light of the Nightmare Moon event the Princesses believed that you should probably receive a bit more protection, considering you live in a relatively unguarded town several miles from any major police force." Emmet thought it was believable, better than, Oh, there is a very good chance that several people are out for your blood and your death would mean the deaths of countless others. No biggie. Twilight noticed his strange behavior, but went back into the reasoning that the Princesses trusted him with her safety, so she should too. Spike was still unsure, but shrugged and went back to his cooking. Which reminded Emmet.

"Hey, you wouldn't mind if I had some of that would you? With all the castle architect's planning on my house, he forgot to put some food in it." Twilight smiled sweetly.

"Why of course you can. Spike, what are you serving?"

"Eggs, toast, and salad." Emmet sighed a little. Spike looked haughtily at the human. "What, do you got a problem with the food we're giving you for free?" Twilight gave Spike a stern look.

"Now Spike, that's enough. But anyhow, what's troubling you?" Twilight said. Emmet shifted uncomfortably.

"Well," he said uncomfortably, "It's just that human's are avid meat eaters, and since Spike was a dragon I was hoping you has some stashed away for him." Twilight shook her head.

"Any nutrition Spike would normally get from meat he gets from gemstones." Emmet nodded, filing this away into the strange things that didn't make sense folder, but then noticed a problem.

"Where do you find the gemstones for three meals?" Twilight just looked at him curiously.

"There everywhere in the neighboring mountains." Another thing for the rapidly-growing things that didn't make sense folder. Emmet just shrugged.

"You know, what, I'm just gonna except things as they are. The instant I start asking questions, my head starts to hurt." he said. He looked over at Spike, who was just finishing up breakfast.

"For now, a sadly meatless breakfast awaits." Emmet said as he sat down at the table.

Emmet sat in the library, more than a little bit bored. Twilight was reshelving the books, and Emmet was desperate for something to do. He stared at Twilight while was magically floating a novel down into a nearby bookshelf, both her horn and the book enshrouded in a deep purple aura. It would still take some time to get used that. Emmet rose from his chair and began looking through the different books. Most of it was informational, Starswirl The Bearded's Guide to Basic Telepathy, or Catalog of Mythical Creatures. He saw an Indiana Jones style book called the Daring Do series, but there wasn't a whole lot of fiction besides that. He saw Spike walk past him with a massive pile of books. He dropped them heavily to the floor and began sorting them into their appropriate shelves. Emmet watched with an amused smile as Spike tried fruitlessly to reach a shelf out of his reach. Emmet sat up and walked over to the baby dragon.

"Need some help?" Emmet asked. Spike regarded him with suspicion.

"Why are you acting so helpful lately?" the dragon said.

"I don't know, maybe because I see someone who could use some assistance, and my moral self pushes me to help said person." Emmet smiled with satisfaction at Spike's guilty look.

"Relax, I'm just joking. Don't go so hard on yourself." Emmet said with a friendly laugh. "I realize we've gotten off on the wrong foot...claw. I hope you forgive me. I come from a place where the laws of the universe are very different, and I guess It's all a bit frightening and most of all frustrating." Spike glanced away.

"Yeah, sorry about that. So... pals?"

"Pals." Emmet said in agreement. The took shook hands/claws.

"So, still need help with that book?" Emmet asked. Spike would have answered, if it weren't for the rainbow blur that suddenly whooshed through an open window and crashed into one of the bookshelves. Emmet, seeing a possible threat, quickly drew his wakizashi and went into an offensive stance. He was about to charge, but was stopped when the multicolored blob spoke.

"Hey Twi! Sorry about that, just practicing my latest trick. I call it," the blob paused for dramatic effect, "The Rainboom-Cicle." Twilight, who had been watching the events unfold from the other side of the room, walked over to the rainbow monster.

"Rainbow Dash, this is the second time this week! You really ought to be more careful! Emmet here was about to arrest you!" Emmet watched in silent horror as the blob unfolded itself into the shape of a pegasus. It had a cyan coat, with a mane and tail the color of the rainbow. The pegasus looked awkwardly at Emmet.

"Uhhh," the pegasus stalled. "what are you? And why are you here with Twilight?" Emmet sheathed the wakizashi, and sighed.

"Long story short, I am a human, and the Princesses hired me as a personal bodyguard for Twilight to ensure her safety." Emmet explained. Rainbow Dash stroke a heroic pose.

"Not sure why'd she'd need one when I'm around, the fastest pony in all of Equestria."  Rainbow said. She looked back to Emmet, only to find he had vanished. She took a nervous step back.

"Wait, wuh? Where'd you- UNGH!" She was cut off by a sudden weight landing on top of her, for while Rainbow had been monologuing Emmet had snuck up to the top floor, and had jumped her from the balcony. Emmet was getting really tired of people asking whether or not he was good for the job. Emmet stepped away from the now very pissed rainbow-colored blob.

"What the hay!? What was that for!?" Rainbow Dash glared at Emmet, pure fury pumping through her veins. Emmet was about to make a witty mark, but Twilight stepped in.

"Emmet, you shouldn't have done that. You could have really hurt somepony." Twilight said.

"Yeah!" Rainbow agreed with passion. "You need to watch yourself man!" Emmet only smirked.

"Sorry, that's human nature for you. Don't like getting one-upped. Don't take it personally." Twilight just face-hoofed.

"It seems that you make an enemy of everyone you meet." She said.

"If humans had cutie-marks, mine would be for bad first impressions." Emmet said with a proud smile. Twilight just sighed.

"Are you always gonna be hostile like this?" she asked.

"The Princesses wouldn't have hired me if I didn't." Emmet said with a goofy smile still plastered onto his face. Twilight turned to Rainbow Dash with a sigh.

"Sorry about this Rainbow, I hope you don't take it too personally." Twilight said. Rainbow looked at Emmet, then sat down on her haunches, with her chin held high.

"Eh, I'm over it." She gave Emmet a look. "But that doesn't mean I'm gonna let this go without a fight." Emmet shrugged and stared at her maliciously.

"You want war?" Emmet said with a grin. "Humans practically invented war." Rainbow Dash returned with a devilish grin all her own.

"Oh, it is ON." Twilight decided it was time to intervene before the library turned into a battleground.

"You know what Emmet, it's nearly closing time for the library. I'm going to go get some groceries for the library, and you can get some while we're there. That is, if you have any money." she said. Emmet pulled out an orange sized bag of bits he had received from the Princesses.

"Yeah, that sounds good." he said distractedly, still locked in a staring contest with Rainbow.

While I'm there, I can think on my war strategy. He thought to himself.

Emmet walked up and down the marketplace, having to stoop to see into the low stalls. Each time he bent down to inspect something he was greeted by a startled gasp form the merchant inside. He would just grin to them, but he was beginning to think that nobody was going to accept him in this town.

Just give them time, he thought to himself, if there was a talking purple unicorn walking through Safeway you would probably be a bit weirded out too. As he turned around, looking for some staple food to keep him full for a long while, he saw a stand of apples, run by an orange earth-pony with a stetson hat, accompanied by what could only be described as a yellow ball of condensed cute with a red bow on top in the form of a filly. The little ball of cute was attempting to forcefully sell the apples, and as Emmet walked over to the stand the orange mare, who he assumed was the filly's sister, bent down to lecture her on business techniques. Emmet stood patiently at the counter for her to finish. When she stood up she was a little flustered at first, since she had kept a customer waiting and this customer was very oddly shaped. However, years of business practice didn't let her startled emotions show, and now that she thought about it she remembered that his man was here for Twilight's protection, and she had seen him at the party. She put on a businessmare's smile.

"Well how do you do there, fella?" the stall keeper said with a thick southern slur.

"I'm just getting some groceries. How much?" Emmet asked

"Three bits a bag." The orange mare replied.

"Two bags, please." Emmet said, counting out six bits. Applejack gratefully pocketed the money, and turned to her sister, who had been staring wide eyed at Emmet the whole while.

"See Applebloom, that's how you do it. Ya' gotta be kind and courteous." Applebloom just stared at Emmet. Applejack looked to where she was staring and began to blush profusely.

"APPLEBLOOM! Didn't I tell ya' not to stare at people!? Shucks, I'm really sorry 'bout that, she don't know what she was doing." the orange mare said apologetically. Emmet just laughed loudly, attracting a few looks from the crowd.

"Don't worry about it, like you said, she's young. The name's Emmet by the way." The orange mare abashedly took off her hat and put it to her chest.

"Applejack." she said, and the two shook hands/hooves.

"Say, you're Twi's new bodyguard, right?" Applejack said. Emmet nodded

"Well, you take good care of her now. Twi's one of my good friends." she said.

"I will." Emmet vowed. "Well, I gotta head back home. It's getting late." he added, jerking his head at the falling sun.

"Now that you mention it, I reckon it's about time me and Applebloom head back to Sweet Apple Acres. Me and her got some talkin' to do." Applejack said with a small glare at Applebloom. "Now, why don't you apologize to Emmet?"

"Uhm, sorry Emmet." the little filly said with a gulp. Emmet thought his heart was implode from the sheer levels of adorable.

"That's... it's alright...no biggie...can I hug you?" Emmet muttered. The little filly looked at him with confusion.

"What?" Applebloom asked

"Nothing! Nothing whatsoever!" With that, Emmet walked away from the little filly and her sister and legged it back to his house.

Chapter 7: First Blood

Chapter 7: First Blood

Edited by: caliban888

Emmet stood above Twilight, helping her with resorting the bookshelves. Twilight had discovered that, with Emmet's height and hands he was very good at reaching the top of the shelves, and immediately put Emmet to work. Emmet complained and resisted at first, but he found it to be a good way of passing the time. Twilight needed the extra help anyway, since Spike was off helping her friend Rarity get some gems for her dress shop. Why a tailor needed precious stones was beyond Emmet, but so was nearly everything about this place. It had been nearly a month and a half since he was hired as Twilight's bodyguard, and so far everything had been peaceful. The more adventurous side of Emmet wanted him to go out and see what this new world had too offer, but he had a job to do. Besides, guarding the god-daughter of a ruler payed excellently, enough that he actually managed to afford to expand the house a little. It wasn't much, just a balcony overlooking the nearby Everfree forest, but it was a good view that reminded him of when he lived in the country with his parents. Emmet sighed as he thought back to his old life. What did his family think? They probably thought he was dead. Devon probably didn't tell them what happened, they wouldn't believe him if he did.

"Hey, is everything alright?" Twilight asked, noticing Emmet's sullen expression. Emmet looked down at her with a sad smile.

"No, nothing, just thinking about home, that's all." he said.

"So, the big bad human is starting to feel homesick." Twilight said, a smile playing at her lips. Emmet punched her lightly in the shoulder.

"Ow! What was that for!" she cried.

"Sorry it's a human thing." Emmet replied

"Human's go around hitting each other for no reason?"

"Yep." Twilight let out a sigh.

"I will never understand you, will I?"

"Nope."

Just then, they heard frantic footsteps outside on the cobblestone road, and the door was suddenly thrown open. Spike ran in, breathing heavily, he must have run all the way from the mountains.

"Spike, Spike, what's wrong!? Why did you run all the way here?" Twilight frantically demanded. Spike heaved a bit more.

"Rarity...creepy dogs...kidnapped...gotta save her." Spike wheezed heavily. Twilight squinted at Spike.

"Spike, did they say why they were kidnapping her?" Twilight asked with worry etched in her voice.

"Gems...they wanted her to find gems for them." Spike replied. Twilight's eyes widened even further

"The Diamond Dogs." she muttered under her breath.

"What are Diamond Dogs?" Emmet asked dumbly.

"A race of canines that live in the mountains. They're renowned for their greed and toughness. But they've never kidnapped someone before. Why would they do this? We have to go and save her!" Twilight was starting to panic, frantically looking around the room as if waiting for a solution.

"Twilight, are we friends?" Emmet asked.

"Well, of course. But that doesn't matter right now! We need to... we need to..."

"Sorry 'bout this Twi." Emmet apologized, and he smacked her viciously across the face. Twilight blinked for a few moments, than jumped up, already forgetting the sting on her cheek.

"I need to go get the other Elements of Harmony. We need to get Rarity." Twilight glanced around impatiently. "Well, come on, we need to go!"

"Listen, Twi, I hate to be the voice of caution, but shouldn't we get, oh I don't know, the police to handle this?" Emmet said. Twi gave him a hard glare.

"Too far away. By the time they get here, who knows what could have happened to Rarity." Twilight stated bluntly. "Besides, I've seen how you've been lately. I can't say I've seen this before or understand it, but you seem eager to fight."

"Well, when you talk about me like I'm a badass, I don't think I can refuse." Emmet replied with a grin. Twilight kicked him in the shin.

"Alright, alright, I get the message. So, where are the Diamond Dogs?"

Emmet walked on a ridge in the mountains, accompanied by the other Elements of Harmony. He was surprised that he recognized some of them from town.

"I never had you pinned as a defender of an entire nation." He had said to Applejack.

"Well, I'm here now, and Rarity needs our help. That's all that matters know." She had replied. Emmet was impressed with her dedication. A brash, arrogant voice snapped him back to the present.

"I'm gonna give those Diamond Dogs a piece of my mind! They'll know not to mess with Rainbow Dash's friends when I'm through with them!" Rainbow Dash said. Emmet rubbed his forehead.

"Yes, yes, you've said this a million times already." he said cynically. Rainbow Dash was about to retort, but was cut of by Spike.

"This was where I last saw her before she got kidnapped." Emmet took some time to look around. They were on a relatively flat piece of land, surrounded by gopher holes. Well, if gophers were the size of humans.

"These must be their entry tunnels. If we follow them, we should be led directly to Rarity! Come on everypony, let's go save our friend!" The ponies let loose a cheer of agreement, except for a yellow pegasi, who just 'eeped' and tried to hide in her mane. Emmet had never seen her before. The ponies, Spike and Emmet all picked a different hole. Emmet had a bit of a hard time getting down, slipping and sliding the first few meters. He felt like he was getting the hang of it when his foot suddenly hit something soft. He looked down, into the most god-awful face he had ever seen. It had sharp green eyes and a massive jaw, which was turned down in a snarl. Emmet suddenly felt himself forcefully ejected from the tunnel, and when he scrambled back to the edge he saw the last few inches being blocked off. He looked around and saw that the others had suffered a similar fate. There was a large collection of groaning and, in Emmet's case, cursing as they got back up to their hooves, feet, and claws. All the holes had been blocked off, preventing anyone from entering.

"Come on girls, if we can't find a tunnel in, let's dig one!" Applejack said to the ponies. However, whenever they started digging the Diamond Dogs would quickly rise up from the ground, tripping them or throwing them off the piles. Emmet rushed next to Twilight, trying to ward off the Diamond Dogs. He was able to protect Twilight, but was never able to get a swing in. Finally, when the Dogs thought they had had enough, they popped back into their holes, leaving the seven would-be rescuers sitting on the ground, panting.

"We'll never catch Rarity at this rate!" Twilight groaned.

"I got it!" Spike exclaimed suddenly. Everyone looked at him as he pulled a large blue sapphire out of nowhere. He looked around for a bit before finding a single unblocked hole. He tied the sapphire to a fishing pole that-

Wait, where did he get a fishing pole? Emmet thought, very rudely interrupting the devilishly handsome narrator. Spike slowly lowered the gemstone into the tunnel. Emmet could have sworn he heard him say, 'I will save you, Lady Rarity,' but he quickly dashed the thought, as the string began to tug Spike down the hole.

"Whoa, whoa, WHOA!" Spike yelled as he was pulled to the very edge of the tunnel, teetering dangerously.

"I got you Spike!" Twilight said as she grabbed Spike's tail in her teeth. However, when Spike finally fell into the tunnel he dragged Twilight with him. The rest jumped in after her, leaving Emmet alone in the clearing. All was suddenly very quiet. He relished the peace for a few moments.

"What in the world has my life come too?" he asked the universe. The universe didn't answer back, so he jumped into tunnel, swallowed by the darkness.

"Whoa there!" yelled Applejack

"AHHHH!" screamed Twilight

"WHEE!" squealed Pinkie Pie.

"Why the hell did I agree to this!?" Emmet wailed. They had been tumbling down the tunnels for about half a minute, and every inch of Emmet's body was sore and tired. Finally, to his great relief, they fell into a cave, lit up by some unseen light source.

"Uuuugggh. When I find a Diamond Dog, I swear, I'm gonna kick their teeth in." Emmet groaned. The others shakily got to their hooves, except for Pinkie, who was happily jumping up and down. Twilight rubbed her horn, checking for any cracks.

"Well, let's go find Rarity!" Spike proclaimed happily.

"That's all well and good Spike, but, what direction do we go?" Twilight responded. There were dozens of small caves traveling in a multitude of directions. Any one of them could have led to Rarity, and picking the wrong one could mean not getting to Rarity in time. Emmet shuddered. He didn't know how nice, or rather lack of nice, these Diamond Dogs were, but he didn't like thinking what they could be doing to Rarity. He hadn't met her, but she seemed like a nice mare.

"Well, they probably put her in the area with the most gems." Spike said.

"Yeah, but none of us can find gems." said Twilight.

"Uhh, guys, mind if I say something?" Emmet asked. The group motioned for him to go forward. Well, except for Pinkie, she was still jumping like a maniac. "I find gem quantity to be a pretty unsupported way of finding Rarity. I mean, what if she's in a cell or something. They'd probably put that somewhere where there weren't any gems."

"Well, what do you suggest we do, partner?" Applejack asked. Emmet broke out in a devilish grin.

"Everyone, find somewhere to hide, and don't come out. In fact, the more squeamish of you may want to shut your eyes." Emmet answered. Everyone shuffled into various nooks and crannies, still clueless as to Emmet's plan. Emmet stood in the middle of the cave.

"HEY YOU DIRTY MUTTS! WANNA KNOW WHAT WE DO WITH DOGS WHERE I COME FROM?"

Applejack stared in awe at Emmet, as he ranted about neutering, pounds, and dog training.

"Why, I would never do that ta' my dog! Winona'd be devastated!" Applejack said as Emmet went into a very detailed description of what happened if the dog peed on the floor. "Hit them with newspapers!? What kinda sick pony does that?!"

"Apparently humans." Spike observed, cowering along with Applejack. He looked down at his privates, thanking Celestia he wasn't a dog. Across the room, Rainbow Dash was ducked under a big rock with Flutttershy. Fluttershy's irises were tiny with horror.

"Oh my, do they really... oh my, that's horrible... oh dear." Fluttershy softly muttered. Rainbow Dash was quiet, shocked into silence. Twilight was squeezed into a crack in the stone, listening numbly to Emmet's speech.

"Celestia wasn't kidding when she said humans were crazy." She whispered under her breath. Emmet suddenly cut off his speech, listening closely for any sound of approach. Sure enough, he heard loud baying coming from one of the tunnels, and quickly stealthed over to the entryway and crouched in wait. A small, tannish brown blur barreled out of the tunnel, slobber running down its chin. It had a sickly yellowish tint to its eyes, and it looked a lot like a small bull dog.

"WHO SAID THAT!?" the Diamond Dog said in a scratchy voice, 'I WILL KILL YOU FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BROTHERS!" Unfortunately, it didn't notice Emmet sneak up behind it.

"Not if I beat you to it." Emmet said, and punted the dog across the cave. It hit the opposing wall with a sickening crunch, right next to Twilight's hiding place. She slid back into the cave, horrified that such violence and intensity was even possible. The Diamond Dog whimpered pathetically, and she saw it being dragged back to the center of the cave, and heard Emmet calmly interrogating the dog.

"Where is she?" Twilight heard Emmet say.

"I won't tell you!" was the response. "She will bring us hundreds of gems!"

"Ah, brilliant, now we can get to the fun part." Emmet said, and Twilight heard a thud followed by a pained yelp. After a few moments of the dog whining, she heard a sharp shing, and she know Emmet had drawn that weapon he was so fond of.

"Tell me, do you remember when I was yelling about neutering?" Emmet asked. Twilight gasped.

He wouldn't dare! she thought to herself.

"No, NO! Please, I just got married! I'm so close!" she heard the Diamond Dog say.

"Oh, well that's too bad. Guess you'll have to decide which jewels are more important to you." Emmet replied.

"Mine, I pick mine!" the Diamond Dog said with no hesitation. Twilight heard Emmet chuckle.

"Good dog. Now, I'll ask again. Where's Rarity?" Emmet said with a hard edge creeping into his voice.

"I will show you the way, just please, put the knife back!" the dog pleaded. Twilight heard the same raspy shing as Emmet sheathed his sword.

"Brilliant. Hey, you can all come out now." Emmet called. The ponies, however, were far too terrified to come out.

"No thank you, I really like it right here. That is,if you don't mind..." he heard a soft voice say.

"Oh uh, yeah, about that, I uh, sprained a hoof, I think I won't be able to move partner, it's real bad." Applejack said. Emmet sighed, and rubbed his forehead.

"Uh, listen guys, I'm sorry you had to hear that. But I think we can all agree that Rarity needs our help." Emmet said. The thought of Rarity being in trouble spurred the ponies out of their terror, and the ponies and dragon came out from their hiding places, ready for anything.

"Brilliant," Emmet said. "Now, where exactly is this-"

"EMMET! LOOK OUT!" Applejack screamed. Emmet had failed to notice a large Diamond Dog creep up behind him, and it was poised to crush Emmet in a big bear hug. Emmet whirled around, drawing the wakizashi and stabbing in front of him in one smooth motion.

The Diamond Dog felt a strange tug in its chest

It looked down, seeing a shaft of metal in its torso, with the strangest creature on the other end.

It saw its abdomen slowly turning red.

Its vision began to fade.

It felt pain.

And then it felt nothing.

Emmet stared in shock at the gorilla-sized dog slowly fading in front of him. The Diamond Dog's body slowly slid to the floor, pulling itself free from the knife, and Emmet could see a red flow of magic traveling from the wound to the blade, filling up the enchantment. His hand was drenched in warm blood, and he hastily wiped it off on his pants. He stared in shock at the dog, dead on the floor. He wasn't shocked by his first death. But that was the problem. He should have been feeling remorse, or guilt, or disgust.

Why do I feel happy? Emmet thought to himself. Not some kind of sick pleasure, but happy, like when seeing an old friend or getting out of school early.

"Hey there fella, are...you alright?" Applejack asked. Emmet turned to her.

And rushed to a small cave opening and vomited.

Chapter 8: Battle Madness

Chapter 8:

Edited by: caliban888

Emmet sat stooped over a small alcove, retching horribly. The acrid smell of vomit was beginning was float through the room, and the onlooking ponies all shuffled awkwardly, conflicting emotions of horror and concern swirling violently through their heads. On one hand, their instincts told them to help and console the poor creature. On the other, the creature had just committed murder. The dead body of the Diamond Dog was still laying on the ground, a look of pain locked on its face. Murder was something rarely heard of in Equestria, heck, their entire planet. To see it happen before them, the onlookers were having a hard time not vomiting themselves. Spike, being a dragon, had the mind most accustomed to violence, and finally took a tentative step towards Emmet.

"Hey uuuhhh, are you ok?" Spike said. No sooner had he said it then he slapped himself in the forehead. "No, of course you're not. Is there uh, anything we can do to help?" Emmet let out a few tattered gasps before slowly taking a deep breath.

"I... I just need to let this settle in a little while. It just that, why do I feel-" Emmet suddenly cut himself off. What would his new friends think of him if they knew that the Dog's death made him happy? Would they shun him, or think he was a monster? They probably did already.

"You uh, you feel what?" Spike asked hopefully.

"Nothing." Emmet replied, suddenly jolting up to a standing position. "Nothing at all. I just need to keep on moving. The feeling should pass." Applejack slowly approached Emmet.

"You know, you shouldn't feel bad about how you feel. It's alright to feel remorse, or guilt, or whatever you're feeling. Hay, it would be plum unnatural if ya' didn't!" she said in her southern drawl.

That's the problem. Emmet thought to himself. He just grunted, and turned to the Diamond Dog still alive, shaking in the corner with piss all over it's legs. Emmet tried to clear his thoughts, and finally looked into the Dog's eyes, causing it to shrink even further into the stone.

"Take us to Rarity." Emmet commanded, gesturing to the dead guard laying on the other side of the cave. "Or the next time your wife sees you you'll be torn to shreds." Emmet was disgusted when a small part of his brain was elated at the prospect of ending the creature's life. He tried to shove it down. The dog was still shaking in the corner, unresponsive to Emmet's commands.

"What are you, deaf? I said take us to her." Emmet continued. "NOW!" The dog, along with the ponies, started at Emmet's sudden outburst, and the small Diamond Dog quickly jogged up to one of the cave entrances.

"She is this way, I promise, just please, don't kill me!" the dog said, practically on his knees begging. Emmet quickly unsashed his belt, and tied it around the Dog's neck like a leash.

"Fantastic." Emmet said, harshly shoving the dog forward with his foot. "Let's get this over with."

Applejack trotted along with the rest of the rescuers, letting the events of the past few minutes sink in. She didn't know what to think of Emmet anymore. He was always a strange one, but had always bought her apples and put up with Applebloom's antics. She was a very good judge of character and she'd never had any reason not to trust the human. Now, however, she sensed that something had changed in Emmet. Some indescribable horror within him had woken up, and Applejack had the feeling that if she didn't act fast, it would turn Emmet into a monster. That is, if he hadn't been one from the very start. She cantered up to him, where he stared coldly into space.

"Hey uh, Emmet, if there's anythin' you want to talk about, anythin' at all, you can tell me. You know that, right?" she said. Emmet slowly shifted his gaze at her, making her instincts scream for her to run, run, anywhere where this malevolent evil wasn't. She resisted these urges though, telling herself that Emmet needed her help.

"Tell me, you said you're the Element of Honesty, correct." Emmet asked.

"Yessir." Applejack replied with a gulp.

"Can you keep a secret?"

"Of course I can. I'd never let anything slip, you can trust in me. Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye." Applejack said, doing a complex hoof movement ending in miming sticking a cupcake in her eye. Emmet raised an eyebrow, then looked around, satisfied that the other ponies were out of earshot. He glanced briefly at the Diamond Dog in front of him, but Emmet decided the Dog's opinion was irrelevant.

Emmet screwed his eyes shut, thinking of what to say, "This is slightly complicated, so stay with me. I assume ponies have knowledge of the brain and its functions?"

Applejack rolled her eyes, "Well 'uh course we do."

Emmet nodded "Well, certain areas of the brain control different things, and the inner part the brain controls basic emotions or something like that. So, whatever part controls morality must have been jacked up. But is must have been partially damaged, seeing as otherwise I wouldn't be shocked about my lack of emotion."

Applejack slowly absorbed this information in. "What do ya' think happened to damage your hippothaymalous?"

Emmet furrowed his brow. "I honestly have no idea."

Brooklyn Elementary, year 2001

Emmet stood before three other students, alone in the parking lot behind school. The day was quite sunny, but the mood in the air was anything but. Emmet knew the boys' names, Wally, Harrison, and Colton. All three were at least half a foot taller than Emmet, and they wore the navy blue and white uniforms of the school.

Colton was the first to talk, speaking in a slightly nasally Scottish accent. "Hey there Em, whatcha doin' out here?"

A younger Emmet balled his hands into pudgy little fists. "You don't scare me. I just got my yellow belt in Tae Kwon Do! So... stay back!" he said, not able to come up with a better threat.

The three chuckled menacingly. "Oh no!" Wally sarcastically wailed. "Whatever shall we do? Em knows Tae Kwon Do now, we're all doomed!" The three bullies burst into laughter, while Emmet stood rooted to the spot with his face red as an apple. This caused the three to only laugh harder.

Emmet looked like he was on the verge of crying. "It's not funny!" he screamed, but the trio laughed to the contrary.

When the three finally stopped laughing, Colton spoke up again. "Well, Em, you're just too cute when you're angry for us to take you seriously. Toughen up a bit, then come back. Maybe you'll be promoted from footrest to- UMPH!" Colton was stopped midsentence, as Emmet rushed up to him and tackled him in the stomach. Colton was forced to the ground, and Emmet began to wail blow upon blow on his eyes, nose and jaw. Finally, Harrison, the largest of the group, pried Emmet from Colton and flung him away. Emmet, caught off guard, looked up far too late to see a light post rush up to greet him. His forehead connected with a deep clang, and Emmet felt his vision flutter. He stood, dazed, before he finally fell to the ground again, his head cracking on the asphalt.

Twelve miles away, Peterson Hospital

Doctor Gerheart stood sullenly over her patient, a young boy who looked to be only ten. He had suffered from a double concussion, and she knew that he wouldn't walk away without a severe change in mental state. She doubted he'd even remember this even happened. She looked to the two forlorn parents, the short, muscular man and the stressed mother full of concern, her black hair in an untidy mess. Doctor Gerheart sighed deeply. It was time to tell them.

The man looked up at the doctor, fearing the worst. "Is he..." he couldn't say it. Couldn't say he had failed as a father.

Doctor Gerheart smiled. "No, he will walk away from this in perfect physical health." The couple sighed a deep breath of relief, the tension of the past few hours finally let out. They were caught again when they saw the doctor's pained expression.

"However... I think you should have a look at this." Doctor Gerheart said, pulling a large picture out of a nearby drawer.

"Do you see this large black spot here?" Doctor Gerheart continued, gesturing to a large spot pointed out by small, thin arrows. "That's the hypothalamus, a section of the brain that controls moral emotions such as remorse, guilt, and empathy. Due to the concussion, the veins around the hypothalamus have suddenly swollen, squeezing it. Now, it isn't that bad right now, but if he gets into a stressful situation the veins will suddenly expand to nearly one-hundred and seventy-five percent their normal size, cutting off his hypothalamus almost completely."

The parents sat in the chair, confused and worried. "But, what does it mean for Emmet?" The mother asked in a desperate tone.

"It means that, in a fight or flight situation, where he will need a cool head the most, he will suddenly lose all feelings of responsibility. He will feel no remorse for whatever he does in this state, even after he calms down. At all other times he will act quite normally." Doctor Gerheart paused for a moment. "So whatever you do, don't let him get in a fight."

Back in the Diamond Dog Caves

The small tan Dog stopped in front of a cave entrance, "We're here." It said in a scratchy voice. Emmet could see a small orange glow emanating from far away. Emmet waited until Spike and the ponies had arrived, then shoved the tan bulldog roughly into the cave with his foot.

Emmet gave the Dog a hard glare. "Lead the way."

The Diamond Dog whimpered, and quickly walked into the cave, tail between his legs. As they walked down the gloomy, dank cave all they could hear was the occasional sniff of the nose or crunch of loose rocks scraping against the cave floor. The rescuers were beginning to think the Dog was leading them the wrong way when the cave turned sharply to the left, opening up into a large cavern filled with jewels and dimly lit by flickering torchlight.

Twilight's horn glowed as she lit up her horn, letting the seven see clearly. "There she is!" Twilight cried. Emmet looked to where she was pointing, and saw a shockingly white unicorn with a dark purple mane delicately curled to a springy coil. She had patches of dirt all over her coat, and a thick leather muzzle clamping her mouth firmly shut. She was digging, if you consider grumpily pawing at the ground digging, when she heard Twilight and looked to the group.

Rarity's face lit up when she saw her friends, Spike, and Twilight's new bodyguard, whom she rarely talked to. "Mrmf shr glrf ter shhhr yer! Therv kerpt mer ern heer ernd fershd mer ter derg lerk ern ernimerl!"

Twilight came over and attempted to unfasten Rarity's muzzle with her magic. "What? Why won't you come undone?"

The tan Diamond Dog suddenly snapped to attention, his jowls flopping comically. "Don't! If you try to unfasten it, you'll just-"

But Twilight wasn't listening. Finding a strap, she quickly tried to loosen the thick piece of leather. When she did, though, the muzzle suddenly tightened, making Rarity's eyes bulge and the muzzled bite deeply into her skin.

"-make it tighter. Oh no." Rarity started shuffling about, her face bloated and beet red.

Emmet stifled a few chuckles, but he couldn't help himself. "hee hee, heh heh heh, heh ho HAH HAH HAAAAAA! You look absolutely ridiculous! You're head is just like, PBLTTHH!" he said, blowing his tongue in an imitation of Rarity, who was starting to have trouble breathing. She decided she didn't particularly like Twilight's new friend.

The Diamond Dog started to panic. "No, no, NO! If you don't get that off of her face soon, she's gonna suffocate!"

Emmet continued to chuckle, and casually unsheathed the wakizashi. "Relax, I got this covered." He walked towards Rarity, who, upon seeing a near-stranger holding a very sharp object walking towards her, did what any pony would do.

She ran.

Emmet was suddenly playing an increasingly annoying game of cat and mouse, as Rarity galloped in a panic around the cavern, frantically trying to avoid her pursuer. This was getting increasingly difficult however, as the muzzle around her mouth and head slowly blocked any air from entering her lungs, and she felt herself begin to tire.

Emmet fruitlessly sprinted after the alabaster unicorn, but being a pony, she was easily able to outrun him. "Come here... Gotcha! Dangit... Finally! Dangit... Almost there.... if you would just sit still for one moment... can't we just work this out like civilized people?... STOP RUNNING!" At last, Rarity slowed to a crawl, the combination of terror, running, and lack of air making her head swim, and she slowly sank down to her side.

Emmet ran up to her, and knelt down next to her struggling form, the wakizashi ready at her neck. She attempted to resist, but was hushed by Emmet. "Alright, I can see we have plainly gotten off the the wrong foot and/or hoof here. But you're just gonna have to trust me here, or this won't work, alright? I mean, it's that or a slow and painful death by suffocation. You're options are pretty limited." Rarity started to calm down, and finally nodded.

"Alright, now we're getting somewhere. Just hold still." Emmet slid the flat of the blade in between the muzzle and her neck, and slowly twisted it so the sharp edge faced outwards. With a yank, he slit the leather free, and the muzzle slid off her face. She gasped for breath, greedily dragging oxygen into her lungs. She rubbed her sore neck and face with a hoof, her face slowly fading back to white.

Rarity looked back up at Twilight's bodyguard. Perhaps he wasn't that bad after all. "Thank you." she said, "you've saved my life."

Emmet smiled and helped up the unicorn. "Think nothing of it."

"Uh guys, we may have to save the celebrations for later." they heard Twilight say. They looked back to the group, and dozens of Diamond Dogs were pouring out of the tunnels like water from a faucet. When the last helmeted Dog ran through, there must have been thirty five at least.

Rainbow Dash suddenly leapt up into the air, hooves at the ready. "Looks like we're gonna have to fight our way out of here, guys!"

Emmet put on a devilish smirk. He raised the wakizashi into the air, poised for a strike. "Those who are squeamish may wish to close their eyes." Twilight and Fluttershy immediately cowered into the ground, followed by a hesitant Spike and Pinkie Pie. Applejack and Rarity stared on with despair

For a moment, Rainbow Dash and Emmet stared at the horde of Dogs, and the Dogs stared at Emmet and Rainbow Dash.

Eventually someone, it was never discovered who, let loose a cry, and the two forces collided with the force of a battering ram.

Emmet whirled around, his blade flashing from one Dog to the other, a whirlwind of blood and death surrounding him. Emmet's newly discovered dark side relished in the carnage, and Emmet was aglow with joy. His mind descended into rage, faces blurred, bodies mingled, everything was just a wall of flesh and iron for him to cut down at his leisure. He was vaguely aware or Rainbow Dash streaking like a bullet above him, occasionally plummeting down to kick a Dog in the head, sending him flying though the air. Everything melted into actions and reactions. Someone charged him. Sidestep, swing to the side of the neck. He felt a whirl of air behind him. Duck, spin, stab to the chest. He saw a fist dropping from the air. Step forward into the swing, dodge past, backward swing in between the ribs. Eventually Emmet felt a blow connect with his jaw, nearly snapping his head off his spine, but Emmet barely noticed. He simply rolled back to a standing position and kicked the offender between the legs, sending him wailing to the floor. Emmet didn't spend any time gloating however, as there were still fifteen left. Emmet sailed though five, ducking, weaving, and stabbing until all were laying on the stone floor bleeding. Eventually, between Emmet and Rainbow there was only one left. He was obviously the leader of the bunch, easily twice the size of the normal dogs, towering three feet over Emmet. He was covered in scars, and his golden helmet was laced with a ruby mohawk. He growled a challenge, and Emmet and Rainbow slowly circled the beast. Emmet made the first move, darting in when the Dog's attention was on Rainbow, hoping to hamstring him. Hearing Emmet's approach, the massive Diamond Dog swirled around, sending a massive paw in his direction. Emmet ducked under the massive fist narrowly, and quickly stood up.

Now, if Emmet had been paying more attention, he would have noticed that the Diamond Dog leader had sent his other fist right after the first one. However, Emmet wasn't paying attention. The massive fist caught him in the ear, sending Emmet flying through the air, landing on a large rock with a painful crunch. Emmet was certain he'd broken a rib or twelve, and he as his battle madness began to fade he could feel intense pain in his chest. The pain began to overpower him, until it reached every inch of his body.

WHY IS THIS ROCK MADE OF SUFFERING! Emmet mentally wailed to himself, before he slipped mercifully into unconsciousness.

Chapter 9: A Few Old Favors

STOP! Before you read this chapter, I did some huge updates on the last one, and trust me, it's worth a reread.

Chapter 9: A Few Old Favors

Edited by: caliban888

Filthy Rich sat in his favorite chair, thinking on the latest development in his sizable and lucrative business, Rich Barnyard Bargains. He'd heard from a friend that a sizable rival had sprung up in Appleloosa, and it was competing with Rich Barnyard Bargains East.

Filthy Rich shrugged. "Ah, well, I'm sure they won't be a bother. Well, not for long." he said with a devious chuckle. "I can just buy them out anyway. Turn the building into a storage warehouse." As he was bemusing the various things one could do with a storage warehouse, he noticed something odd in the fireplace set into the living room. The ends of one of the logs were starting to burn very brightly, and the room was slowly becoming blinding, and fearing a gas leak, Filthy began to call out to one of the serving mares outside the living room. His voice caught in his throat, however, as the light seemingly solidified, into two glowing yellow spots, hovering into the air. They further materialized, until Filthy was looking into a pair of sickly eyes. The eyes of Discord.

Filthy threw himself backwards, knocking the chair off its legs and launching him back in a heap of hooves. He disentangled himself from himself and ran to the door, only to find it was locked. He looked back at the disembodied eyes of Discord as they stared, quite amused. He fumbled in his suit pocket for the master key, quickly inserting it and throwing the door open. He immediately rushed through...

...and found himself back in the living room, Discord's eyes making it apparent that one of his eyebrows would be raised if he had them.

"Are you done yet?" Discord asked, his voice echoing and muffled as if he was speaking through a mile long cave.

Filthy sighed in resignation, propping up the fallen chair and taking a seat. "What do you want?"

Discord's eyes began to cry fake tears, and a cloth appeared from nowhere and wiped them away. "I'm hurt you say that, Filthy. I'm just here to help an old friend."

"I highly doubt that." Filthy responded, his voice dripping with cynicism. "You say that you're here to help me, then you rope me into some deal I'll come to regret. Every deal we've made went like, that, from meeting Gold Digger when I was lonely to giving us a child when we found out she was barren, and I won't fall for it again. I have a daughter, I have a wife, and I have money. You have nothing I need."

Discord's eyes hovered, clearly amused. "Well, after that riveting monologue, let's cut to the chase, shall we? Diamond Tiara, you're dear old daughter, has just caught a very serious case of tuberculosis. If you get her to the hospital now, she'll be saved. If you're...delayed, however, her lungs will shrivel up like raisins and she will die. Frankly, it could be an improvement, might shut the brat up for once."

Filthy Rich shot up and out of his chair, alarm plastered all across his face, "What! Why didn't you tell me sooner! I have to find her!"

Filthy ran through the door, prepared to hoof it to Diamond Tiara's room. However, instead of a dark hallway, he found himself in a library, a pair of cynical eyes hovering by a fireplace. Something between a growl and a cry for help escaped Filthy's muzzle, and he quickly ran to the other side of the room and bolted through the door again.

And again.

And again.

And again.

And again.

After the seventh repetition, Filthy screamed at the floating eyes, grabbing a lamp in his teeth and flailing it at those damnable eyes, staring at him so smugly, so cruelly satisfied in this little game. The lamp just swished through them, however, the eyes now shaking in joyous laughter. Discord's guffaws drove a knife through Filthy's hot ears, which had begun to ring in his rage. Filthy hated Discord, he wished he had never met him on the day he sat alone in the university cafeteria, promising him a mare to meet his every need, only to tell him she could never have a child. He wished he had never thought to make yet another deal, to make yet another stupid decision to go to Discord for help. Filthy's muzzle was soaked with sweat, tears, and saliva as he waved the lampshade uselessly against the endless laughter. Finally, Filthy sat on the ground defeated, sobbing pitifully to himself, consumed with worry for his daughter. And now, he knew, he would have to make another deal.

Discord's gleeful laughter slowly faded away into giggles. "So, are you ready for the deal?"

Filthy just moaned in response.

"Brilliant! Now there's a new resident in town, nearly hairless, carries a metal stick wherever he goes, can't miss him, I need you to convince him to like you."

Filthy looked up from his despondent cries, gazing up at Discord with defeated eyes. "What's the catch?"

"Oh, no catch." Filthy managed to raise an eyebrow. "No, really, you just need to get him to be friends with you. I'll handle the rest."

Discord leaned in closer. "However, I wouldn't get too attached. I'd hate to see your heart get broken."

Discord leaned back, his eyes fading from existence. "That's all. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a chocolate goat to attend to."

Filthy lay on his side, hating himself for getting roped into another deal. His thought's of self pity were instantly dispelled, however, when he remember his daughter. He shakily got to his hooves and stumbled his way to Diamond Tiara's room.

And all was quiet in the library.

Prologue: There's an ape in my wine!

Prologue: There's an ape in my wine!

Prince Blueblood watched from a table as dozens of unicorns, pegasi, and (much to his disdain) earth ponies shuffled about the various tables and chairs surrounding the newly opened Canterlot Art Museum. He had been at thousands of such events, and was becoming quite bored. Luckily for him, he spotted a serving mare with a platter of wine glasses walking past him, and quickly called her over. She was a sprite young filly, he thought to himself, as she walked over to him with a grin, She was a unicorn, with deep blue fur, and streaks of light purple at the end of her short, spiky hair. He would enjoy crushing her. He took a wine glass, and taking a sip, immediately put on a disgusted grimace. The wine was delicious, of course, but he wanted to have fun with the far too happy filly. He gave her a disgusted look, and drawled with a haughty tone,

"Do you dare call what you're serving me wine?" Slowly the young mare's smile faded, while Blueblood had to resist the urge to laugh.

"I'm sorry the wine isn't too your liking sir, but I'm just a serving mare. There isn't much I would be able to do." The unicorn said, hoping to use reason to prevent the lecture she knew was coming. Unfortunately for her, Blueblood wan't looking or caring for reason.

"Bah, just the typical excuses of a commoner, worse, a servant," Blueblood was thoroughly enjoying the looks of confusion and and dismay on the filly's face, and decided to start pushing further. "I swear, the staff these days could make a colt puke, just so rude and irrational." The unicorn was about to state that he was being very rude and irrational, but held her tongue, knowing that it would only cause her more trouble.

In her thoughts she didn't hear that Blueblood had started talking to her again, until he noisily clapped his hooves in front of her face, causing a loud clack that echoed through the streets, bringing the attention of all the guests to the scene. She was immediately brought back to reality, and realized that Blueblood was magically floating a wine glass to her. "As I was saying before you dozed off, if you think the wine isn't that bad, then you should just try it yourself." At first she hesitated, her mind churning with suspicion, before slowly taking the wine out of his magical grasp with her own. The bodyguards on either side of Blueblood winced, knowing what was coming, but they were unable to do anything for fear of suffering similar fates. As the young mare leaned back to take a drink, Blueblood quickly enveloped it again in his magic, tilting it farther back then the mare had intended, catching her off-guard and dousing her with the sour, crimson-purple liquid. At first she just stood there, wine dripping off her mane and horn, before slowly erupting into tears and hurrying back into the staff room, Blueblood's horrible laughter echoing behind her.

Blueblood side's still hurt from laughing many minutes later, and as he began to recover he noticed he still had the wine the serving mare had given him earlier. Shrugging, he began to take some more sips. Soon, he was greeted by an old friend, and as he sat on the table they continued on in friendly banter

The events that followed would forever impact Blueblood, and at the same time haunt and confuse him as he tried to explain just exactly what happened. As he was discussing politics with his friend, there a came a loud pop accompanied by an equally bright flash on the table he sat at, temporarily stunning him. As he rubbed the spots from his eyes with his free hoof, he saw a large creature draped over the table. The first thing he noticed was that it was near-hairless, except for a ruddy brown patch on top of what he assumed was its head. Second, he noticed it had it's foot firmly lodged in the wine glass he had in his hoof. And third, he realized that it was in fact male. I don't think either of us want to go into the details of how he discovered this fact.

Chapter 1: Persecuted into Pony Prison for Pissing off Posh Princes

Chapter 1: Persecuted into Pony Prison for Pissing off Posh Princes

Chapter 1: Persecuted into Pony Prison for Pissing off Posh Princes

Devon Williams walked down the streets of Boston on a late wintry night. His boots lightly crunched on the thin layer of snow, illuminated by the streets lamps. He had blondish-brown hair that went midway between his neck and ears, and he wore a dark-green beanie. He shivered underneath the fleecy jacket he wore, it had worn out months ago and did little to keep out the cold. Luckily, he was close to his apartment, and the thought of shelter made him walk a little faster. After what seemed like a second ice-age, he finally opened the door to his apartment. As he hung up his jacket, he heard a very angry and tired voice crying out,

"Close the damn door! You're letting out my hard-earned heat!" Devon sighed inwardly. That was his roommate Emmet, who he found slightly irritating at times. Well, most of the time. He obliged Emmet, closing the door with his foot. He walked through the small living room into the smaller kitchen, and found his roommate crouched in front of the open oven, which he had turned on. Devon turned it off and shut the oven door, and gave Emmet a more than annoyed look.

"What?" Emmet said in a whiny voice. "I was cold."

"You know that leaving the oven on for heat kills our electrical bill! It's bad enough you don't have a job, but now you're giving me even more money to pay!" Devon looked over the offending roommate, who was still crouching on the floor. Like Devon, Emmet had blondish-brown hair, though it was blonder and was considerably shorter, barely reaching the tops of his ears. He was slightly skinny, but not by much. He wore a black blanket over a brown T-shirt, and faded jeans. He was Caucasian, and he had dark brown eyes.

"Hey! I told you, I've got a few interviews coming up, and I'm still receiving unemployment."

Devon raised an eyebrow, "You told me that five months ago."

"And now I'm telling you again." Emmet said matter-of-factly.

Devon sighed. "If you don't get a job soon, I'm gonna have to..." He trailed off.

"If I don't get a job soon, you're gonna have to what?" Emmet continued in an accusatory voice.

Devon took a deep breath, and hurriedly rushed, "If you don't get a job soon, I'm gonna have to kick you out of the house."

Emmet gave Devon an appalled look, which was quickly replaced by hurt. "Devon, we've been friends for six years! You can't just kick me out!" Devon only looked away from the man on the floor. Emmet slowly stood up. "I mean, where could I go? Like you said, I barely have any money!" he added with a note of desperation.

"I know, I know," Devon replied while rubbing his eyes, "but there's not much else that I can do! You're chewing up the rent money, and I barely have enough to keep myself up! Let alone you!"

"You can't do this to me Devon! I promise I'll get a job! I can do this! I can! Just give me another-"

CRACK

Devon fell to the floor, blinded by the flash of light and loud bang that accompanied it. He sat on the hardwood ground, rubbing the stars out of his eyes. He thought that perhaps the oven had exploded, but when he looked over he saw that it was fine. With a groan, he turned over to his side.

"Emmet, you okay? What was that?" Only silence answered the startled man on the floor. "Emmet" Finally, he looked over at where Emmet had been, only to find a steaming pile of clothes. Devon stared for a moment, not believing his eyes. He looked around the tiny apartment, expecting Emmet to rise from behind one of their shabby pieces of furniture and yell, "Surprise!" Yes that was it Emmet was just pulling a prank on him. He slowly rose from the kitchen, and called out to the empty room.

"Alright, you've had your fun Emmet. Now get your face out here so I can punch it. You nearly gave me a heart-attack!" He still heard no answer. His voice took on a slightly more desperate tone. "Emmet?"

Meanwhile, in between the planes of the universes, a large serpent with the the head of a horse and a variety of other body parts seemingly sown on to his body chuckled to himself, smiling at the delicious chaos he had just sown.

"Oh, this is going to be goooood." He reveled in this victory against order, and then slowly returned to his stone prison. However, if this latest scheme worked, then all that would soon change.

When Emmet first woke up, he found himself draped across a table. When he opened his eyes, the glare of the sun gave him a splitting headache.

"Ohhhh, that hurts, that really, really hurts." However, the headache went as soon as it came, and when he deemed it safe, he opened his eyes again. His eyes confirmed that, yes he was on a table. He looked up, and found himself staring straight into the eyes of a dark horse. And, much to his surprise, the horse looked just as shocked as he was. As he looked the horse over, he saw that it was actually quite small. He guessed it was a pony. As he looked down, he saw the pony was wearing a tuxedo and a monocle, which Emmet found quite amusing. As he took in his surroundings, he saw that there were, in fact, many ponies, all colors of the rainbow, and they were all staring at him. As he looked back at the the pony in front of him, he noticed that it's face was far too short to be a regular pony. In fact, all of the ponies surrounding him were extremely disproportioned, and they all had very humanized characteristics. When he tried, he found he couldn't remember how he got there

"Shit, did I get drunk at my niece's birthday party again?" Emmet groaned to himself. It was only then that he noticed his foot was soaking wet. And that he was butt-naked. With a very girly scream manly cry of outrage, he gathered up a corner of the tablecloth and covered himself up. He looked back, and saw the reason his foot was wet. His foot had fallen into the wine glass of yet another pony.

"Wait, how is a pony holding a wineglass?" Emmet asked  as he looked closer. He saw that the pony was much larger than the ones surrounding him, and he had a unicorn's horn sprouting from his skull, which was glowing a creamy white color. He saw that the wineglass was surrounded in a similar aura, and was actually floating. The large pony simply stared at him, and his look of confusion was quickly replaced with anger.

"Guards, arrest this... thing at once!" the white unicorn yelled with authority

"A talking unicorn with magical powers?" Emmet asked with a blank stare. "Shit, did I get high at my niece's birthday party again?"

As Emmet was violently shoved through the streets of the city he woke up in, he discovered that the strange ponies were everywhere. In fact, it seemed that it was an entire city of technicolor ponies. And when he inspected the guards on either side of him, he found that they actually had wings folded against their bodies.

"So let me get this straight, I am in a world of talking rainbow-colored unicorns and pegasi, and I just got arrested by a Prince?" He asked the guard in front of him,  who, judging by his fancy armor, was of higher rank than the ones at his side.

"Shut up back there!" The golden-brown pony in front of him said.

"Hey, how come you don't have any wings or horns? Everybody else I've seen has one or the other."

"I said shut up back there!" The pony replied.

"Hey man, it's just a question, not a matter of national security." The stallion sighed angrily, and abruptly turned around, his eyes only inches away from Emmet's.

"Because," the pony spat, "I'm an earth pony. And it's everypony not everybody." With that, the earth pony turned around and began walking sternly towards the large castle in the distance. "Now no more questions!" Emmet decided not to aggravate the earth pony any further, he already had enough. He then immediately changed his mind.

"Hey, we seem to have gotten off on the wrong foot err... hoof here. My name is Emmet." The pony turned back around, and practically screamed into Emmet's face,

"I SAID NO MORE QUESTIONS!"

"Hey, in all fairness, that wasn't a question. It was a statement. So technically, I haven't broken your rule." The guards on either side of him snickered at this, but a quick glare from the pony in front silenced them. Hoping to get back what shred of dignity the stallion had left, he ignored Emmet and just turned around and walked. After around three minutes of walking, the pegasus to his left leaned over to Emmet's ear,

"Hey, the names Iron Flyer. It's nice to see someone keep that lout's ego in check once in a while." he said, gesturing to the stallion in front. "If you ever get out of prison, just ask, and I'll show you the best taverns in town."

"How did you know I drink?" Emmet quizzed. The pony only raised an eyebrow.

"Just a guess." Emmet chuckled softly to himself.

"Fair point." After a few moments, he added, "Wait, what was that about prison?