It wasn't a very good morning. This had been the third day I was feeling this way. I was just really tired. The alarm clock had gone off at seven. I had gotten up to turn it off then went back to bed. It was around 10:30 when I woke up again. It was warm and nice. The blankets smooth. I rolled over and half slept on and off for a while. I was surprised when no one came in around twelve. It was two when I finally decided to get up. My stomach ached a little but I wasn't very hungry.
I got up and didn't feel like brushing my hair. I went to the bathroom then downstairs. Mrs. Cake smiled at me. I half smiled back. I made some noodles for a late lunch. My stomach didn't like it. I just wasn't in the mood for food. I felt like I was going to throw up. I made some coffee. The caffeine didn't seem to do anything. I was just so tired. I wanted to go back to bed. I had dinner later but I only had a little. I wasn't hungry. I sat around the rest of the day. Going out once to get something from the store.
The fresh air was nice. It was really cool outside but I was sweating a little under my sweater. I just didn't feel like doing anything else. I did but I didn't. If there was something to do, I'll do it but I didn't have the motivation to come up with anything. It was hard going to sleep again. It was past midnight and I feared another sleepless night. I had stayed up all night a week ago. It wasn't very good. It was past one when I finally fell asleep. It might have been past two. I don't know.
It wasn't a very good morning. It was the forth day and I was just really tired.
"Hello Fluttershy, oh ah, Discord too." Mrs. Cake said. She had come over to have tea with Fluttershy and talk.
"Hello." "Good day to you!"
"So, what did you want to talk about?" Fluttershy asked. She poured the tea and laid out plates with biscottis.
"What should I do about Pinkie? It's just, she's worrying me. Her little bout of depression is starting to get worse." She explained.
"Well, let me think. Does she take vitamins? That could help."
"She does. Everyday and she eats right. Normal food, not just the cupcakes and sweets you see her having. It's just that she's sleeping all the time and responses with a 'Maybe it's just my sleep schedule'. But it's not. Is there anything else? Other vitamins? Fruit? Tea? Medication?"
"Oh, I don't think it's gotten far enough for medication. I think it would be good for her to get out more. And get out of bed at a better time. It's not helping her to sleep in so much."
"Okay, I'll see about it. Thank you."
"You're welcome. Goodbye." "See you."
I had gotten up today. It was around eight. I decided to call Rarity.
Brrring Brrrring
"The Carousel Boutique. How can I help you?"
"Hey Spike! It's Pinkie Pie. Is Rarity around?" I tried to get some pep in my voice.
"Oh, hey Pinkie. Yeah, she's around. Just a moment."
"Hello?"
"Hey, Rarity. I need your help."
"Is it a fashion emergency or an emergency emergency?"
"I don't feel like brushing my hair."
"I'll be right over." Click She understood.
As I waited, I looked into the mirror. I just didn't feel like brushing my hair. I dreaded it. I just couldn't get myself to bring the brush up and push it through. It wasn't long that I had to wait.
"I'll start working, you just sit and relax darling."
It was nice. The feeling of having somepony brush my hair. It was like when I was a filly. My mom loved brushing our hair. She'll sit in front of the hearth and take her time. She brushed it even when all the tangles were gone.
It felt like so long but too soon that Rarity finished.
"Do..Do you think you can.."
"Yes dear?"
"Can you make me pretty?"
"Okay." She softly smiled.
I had a whole bunch of cosmetics and accessories in my drawers. She pinned up my hair in a low bun. Added a few decorative pieces. Not much make up was put on. Foundation, a light brushing of blush. Some light red lipstick. The eyeshadow was Sweet Peach. I loved my hoof polish. It was called Sugar Coat. It looked and felt like they were covered in pink sugar.
I was glad I had gotten up enough energy to take a shower the night before.
"You look as pretty as a cake topper."
And I did. We spent the rest of the day having a tea party. She taught me some more about fancy soirees and how the elite expect your manners to be.
"Pinkie, um..." Twilight had come in today. I was watching the front counter. I really didn't feel like doing it though. I was just trying to get myself to do something.
"I have a sorta.. personal question for you."
"Okay."
"Are you bipolar?" she seemed to blurt out.
"What? No!"
"It's just, just you have really high highs, I mean, you're normally soo full of energy then sometimes you're like..this. Really down."
"Haha, no. You seem to forget but I've always been really full of energy. I'm normally like that. I was sad and depressed for a time in my childhood then became really bouncy after I got my cutie mark. I was like that since I was young and most psychological disorders like Bipolar disorder begin to show in puberty. Long after I changed. I just deal with a bit of depression now and again. It goes away after a few days. This one's just really got me." I really didn't feel like talking.
She looked relieved. It was a funny thought, I could see her pouring over books about mental disorders. Worry creasing her brow. Frantic to look for definitions until she felt she had it all. Steeling herself to confront me. She was so sure she had the answer. All the possible solutions. It made me feel better.
"I looked up depression." she seemed blurt out again. So eager to share what she knew like there was a bomb inside me that needed to be quickly defused.
"It's a chemical imbalance. Some ponies are born with it. But, some get it from traumatic experiences. It's kinda fascinating how outside influence can change the very chemicals of the brain."
I liked how her eyes shined when she talked about something new she learned. It reminded me of all the other times I've seen ponies become happy. All the hobbies and wonders of simple things. She look guilty after a moment. Like she felt bad for being so happy at something so bad.
"It is. I'll be fine Twilight. Like I've explained before, I just need to be left alone. Not alone alone, just..don't try to pressure me into anything. Like going out. Just come hang out. Even if we're just sitting around."
"Yeah. Sorry. Hey, I got a new book. It's about physics but I could bring it over."
"Sure. Mr. Cake will be back soon to take over. Probably before you return."
It was nice. We sat in my room. She read out loud. We used my black board to draw out some of the theories. I think Twilight was surprised I could follow along. But, I got even with chuckling at the times she got lost.
The sunshine was nice. AJ and RD had a picnic all set up. I didn't feel like bringing anything along. It was hard enough just to get out of bed and walk all the way here. We didn't do much. It seemed as though all I did was lay there while they just smiled and sat. Was anything said? I don't really care. I couldn't really say anything. I remember they did talk. It was all about the farm and weather patterns. How the rain was scheduled to help keep things balanced. How the farm dealt with droughts. I didn't really follow.
We said a nice goodbye. I enjoyed not having to carry the conversation.
I have a friend named Grey Faerie in the next town over. She runs a chocolate shop. Her talent is advice giving.
"It's okay to feel sad." She mimicked from a cartoon. It made me smile little. "Everyone knows it's nothing to worry about. You don't have to feel bad at it."
"But I do. I feel like a rotten friend for making them worry. I don't want to pressure them into coming to see me when I'm like this."
"You aren't pressuring them. They want to come."
"I know! It's just...I feel like I am. Like I'm making them uncomfortable. Normally I'm the one cheering everyone else up. Listening to what's bothering them. Making them feel special. I don't like being so useless."
"Don't you think they would enjoy replaying your kindness? You do the cheering so much that it's nice to be able to do the same back. They want to give back to you."
"Sigh, I just think how there's so much else going on. That there are others who have it worse. But, I know, I shouldn't think that way."
"There's no comparing sadness. One's problems affectsthem differently than others. Just relax. Enjoy being sad."
"Ha! That's definitely something you'll say."
"I don't mean literally enjoy being sad. Enjoy this time to just focus on yourself. To deal with your own troubles and let others do the cheering. Such sweet sorrow. Sadness is addictive. I should know."
"Yeah, but I'm here to help. Misery loves company."
"Do you know why?'
"Huh? There's a reason?"
"Yes, a few. It makes a pony feel better to see someone else feel bad. It takes the focus off their own pain."
"Oh, lucky I'm not like that. I hate seeing others unhappy."
"The second, is because it's hard to be sad when you have a friend to cheer you up." She smiled. She never smiled often enough. "It's healthy to share with others. And nice to be able to have someone to share with."
We laid there on my bed. Rolling over on to our backs. Sometimes I leaned into her. So old and wise encased in a body far too young and fresh. Troubles were never too far from her.
We seemed so different but, our friendship worked. We both reveled in our sorrow. Both never strayed too far from it. We both worked in our own ways to relieve others of their pain. She listened, I talked. She gave advice, I made sure everyone knew at least one person knew they existed. We both never strayed too far from sadness. Both our own and other's.
"I'm just really tired. Sorry I don't feel like it."
Discord was over. We were sitting on my bed.
"It's fine my dear! I really enjoy our quiet time together. Hey, do you know what always makes me feel better?"
"What?"
"Cuddling." I had to laugh. "See, I got you to smile! Now come here."
I always loved cuddling with him. He wrapped himself into a circle, me in the middle. I laid on my back while he held me and laid his head on my stomach. Sometimes I'll just lay right next to him. Pushed right up to his side with his tail as the pillow. He'll lay on his arms.
"It's nice having cuddle friends." I laughed again.
There was never any pressure to be anything when we were together. We knew how each other were. We would get up to crazy antics and pranks. Then we would settle down with a cup of tea or hot apple cider. He would write or work on a craft. Knitting, quilting. I would read or draw out fanatic themed rooms. I wrote home about past events. I was good at drawing. It was sorta a second special talent. It really helped me to create wonderful parties.
It would surprise others how quiet our home could get. Well, technically we weren't living together yet but we're working on it.
I was his number one fan. I was thrilled to be near him. Giggled in awe as he worked. I always told him how much I loved watching him work. I was his audience and he never wanted to let me down. He always strived to awe me. It felt perfect. I worked to admire and he worked to be admired. Both needing to have a place. To be needed. We both have known the grey of loneliness. The want to put color in the world if only so we see color. Loneliness left us too meaningless. We never wanted to go back to it.
I liked his flair on everything. It went with mine. Everyday was bright and full color. Every activity could use a flair. Nothing could be kept dull, all can be made exciting. Even the quiet had a sound when we were around.
"Pinkie dear! Are you coming down for dinner?"
I find it amusing how many ponies call me 'dear'.
"Yeah!"
It was after three in the afternoon. I wasn't tired this morning. In fact, I felt really good. Awake. I just didn't want to get up. So I stayed in bed until some time after three in the afternoon. I wondered if anyone would come up and check on me. If they would notice. They did.
I managed to eat most of the dinner. It was good. The Cakes smiled at me but also tried to hide it. I think they were embarrassed. They were happy I was better.
My friends came around after dinner. I think Mrs. Cake called them. There wasn't any celebration. Nothing so direct. We sat around on the floor of my room. I sat with Dizzy. He likes holding me. Grey was there. She sat next to us.
Tomorrow's Hearth's Warming. We're going to have a get together in the afternoon.
"It's great you're feeling better. See, I told you she'll be fine."
Dear Princess Celestia,
The past couple of days have been hard with Pinkie not feeling up to her old self. It was particularly bad this time but nothing serious. I glad to report she's feeling better.
These past couple of days have reiterated a past lesson. Don't pressure a friend with depression. It's hard not to though. I still remember Pinkie's friend Grey really laying into me about the do's and don't of talking to someone with depression. I'm glad to say I remembered them. It would have been really bad if I didn't.
I am a little embarrassed to say I had to re-learn a lesson. Don't jump to conclusions. I went ahead and looked into my medical books about mental disorders. I had thought Pinkie might have something else wrong with her. I was relieved she didn't get too mad at me. I feel ashamed for asking her if she had Bipolar Disorder. But, luckily she knew I was just worried. I'm also glad to report she isn't bipolar. She's crazy, but in a normal, Pinkie Pie way.
I hope to hear back from you soon.
Your Faithful Student,
Twilight Sparkle
Author's Note
Wrote this in a short time, so tell me if there are any mistakes I missed.
I was just feeling really tired. It's a kind of depression that isn't the over dramatized kind you see in movies or read about. It's just a drain on you. Nothing makes you feel excited and no matter how much sleep you get, you always feel tired. I tried to put this into perspective through Pinkie.
Pinkie loves parties. It's how she got her cutie mark for crying out loud! They embody everything she loves most: food, fun and friends. She nodded to herself in the mirror. The brush dragged down one stroke at a time. She didn't even have to really think about it. That's how I used to be with parties. Pinkie sighed. At one time, it was like she couldn't get enough parties done. They brought her such joy and excitement. Why was it so hard now?
"I'm not avoiding them." Pinkie said as she looked through the latest party supply book. All the bright colors looked dull and ugly to her eyes.
"I never said you were." Discord remarked from his place on the bed. He was looking at a dessert magazine. "But now that you mention it, you haven't had a good party in a week."
"I'm working on it." Pinkie pursed her lips. Everything in the book seemed to be mocking her. Why didn't she come up with that idea? When will she be able to use all this cool stuff? Ideas tried to rush into her head like a burst dam to fill the empty basin below but this dam was too well build. "I'm just taking a break. Thinking up a really good party."
"Sooo, when are you going to finish making that cool tiki party? I've been really excited for that volcano water slide." Rainbow Dash said. She was hovering next to Pinkie as they walked down the market pathway.
"Soon, don't worry. I've got it all in my head of how I want it to be." Pinkie responded. But, truth was, it had been almost two weeks since she last came up with the idea and nothing has come of it. Only some post-its and place markers in a supply book. Why can't things just come out of my head and I don't have to do anything to make it happen?
She reflected on her earlier thoughts as she sat at her table. "I can do this! I'm going to get this thing done already." Pinkie announced loudly to the room. A burst of warm emotion filled her chest making her feel like she's about to take a jump over the diving board. She flipped through the books marking what she would need and writing down diagrams of the place set up.
But, just as soon as she started working a tired, dragging feeling came washing up after the flow of motivation.
It was like walking home from the pool. The excitement of jumping in the water had died down to where you just wanted to take a nap. She flipped the page but didn't even want to look at what it held. Pinkie closed the book and pushed everything aside.
A pulling, craving feeling sat deep in its throne of ribs. Her mind heaved as hard as it could but the craving resisted. Pinkie sat back and rubbed her scalp. The horrible craving of stopping what she was doing won out and Pinkie picked back up a comic she had been reading earlier.
A month had gone by since she last came up with a party idea and it was only when she looked back on the dates of her notes did she even realize it. Time had been sneaking through without a hint of it even being there. What had she been doing for a whole month? Ticking it off, she and Twilight had been having fun reading a new fantasy book series, Spike had traded comics with her, she planned an outing with Fluttershy and Rarity to look at the newest art exhibit featuring photography of tropical birds. Well, that's planning something.
She had almost grown a newfound interest in just about anything other than actual party planning. It was like the every need to throw a party had evaporated with the morning dew.
Pinkie looked out the window. It was a bright sunny day with not a cloud in the sky. The noise of ponies outside filtered into her room softly over the sound of her radio. This would have been a perfect day for a tiki party with volcano water slide. She sighed and turned back to her comic.
"Pinkie." Discord whined. "It's seven in the morning! Just turn off the alarm already." He groaned and turned over annoyed.
Pinkie had been resetting the alarm for a later time or hitting the snooze button since five am. For a baker, she had way over slept. The pink mare rubbed her eyes and stared at the clock again. Maybe I should put the clock on the dresser so I have to get out of bed to turn it off. Or I should set if to go off twice to give me some wake up time. She audibly groaned and clutched her head in anger.
For the last week, she had been so driven the night before to actually get up in the morning on time, but just like a today, she couldn't find the willpower to do it. Every single time I want to get up, I can't! It's like my mind and body aren't talking. Pinkie let out a breath, rubbing the hair out of her face. Might as well sleep in, it's too late now to go help prepare for the morning rush.
It was getting too warm to have the covers over her but Pinkie still tried to snuggle down into the bed to sleep. Yet, nothing helped her to fall back into the comforting darkness. She looked up for the hundred time just for the clock to blare an irate 11:34am at her. Pinkie blew a raspberry back at it. I know I should be up, I do have work today... just as I did yesterday.
Discord looked over from the table to lift a brow at her remark to the clock. He half smiled, "I had to help out yesterday. Lucky they didn't drag me down this morning to help cover again." It was a dry laugh that followed. Pinkie looked over at him and playfully blew a raspberry at him too. The strained meaning of the joke was obvious yet Pinkie wished he would fall for her playing dumb.
Her chaotic boyfriend knew enough to let the subject drop before another argument started. She laid back down into the bed and struggled for sleep.
The last party she did was an amazing two months ago. It was small and pathetic when it came to Pinkie Pie brand party. Twilight had suggested she try working through this 'party' writer's block by just having a party. 'Even a small one! It doesn't have to be anything special!'
All the girls had been there, Pinkie supposed they were expecting to be back to her throwing weekly parties for 'insert reason here'. It had been fun. We played a board game and there was a really good iced cider I made with Applejack. Pinkie thought as she brushed her hair.
"I'm just taking a break. Totally not avoiding anything." she said with a shake of her head. The curls bounced around till they rested in place around her head.
"Summer isn't going to stay forever, my dear. Maybe you should just give it up till next summer. Try something new until then." Discord was leaning on the door jam to their room.
"I have been trying new things. New, other things seem to be the only things I can do." she said back to him.
He put his hands up in defense, "I'm just saying, you don't need to push yourself unless you really need to."
"But I do need to! I haven't done anything for, for how long again? Two months. I barely go to work cause I can't get out of bed in the morning." She shuttered in grief and threw her hooves over her face. Discord swept over hugging her tightly even while moving to sit down behind her. Pinkie pulled her hooves away to hold on to his arms.
Discord spoke through her hair in soft tones, "You've been through this before. You'll get through it again. Let me help you."
Pinkie sulked, "Like how?"
"Let's plan a party together. If it gets to be too much for you, I'll take over. No pressure."
She thought it over for a second and nodded, "Okay, no pressure."
He kissed her forehead, chuckling, "Come on, we need some breakfast for lunch."
Time still tried its best to slip past her so that she couldn't even remember how it would be Saturday already or for the clock to be striking seven am on a work day. But, she had managed to do it. She did her best everyday as to not let herself be too tired to care. It was also helpful to have someone who was a very good alarm clock and didn't obey time very well. But how would that work? To be both a clock and not care about the laws of time? Well, I guess that's what metaphors are for.
Snow fell gently outside the window in slow repetition on a bright afternoon. Pinkie closed her supply book with the satisfaction of another job well done. She threw back the last remains of the now cold coffee and hopped out of the room.
"I have a party planned!"
