How The Great And Powerful Trixie Stole Hearth's Warming
How The Great And Powerful Trixie Stole Hearth’s Warming
With apologies to the following:
Theodore Seuss Geisel
Chuck Jones
Thurl Ravenscroft
Boris Karloff
Random House Publications
J. Worthington Grinch
Max the Dog
Every pony down in Ponyville, like Hearth's Warming a lot
But there was one pony living just North of Ponyville who did not
Trixie hated Hearth's Warming! The whole holiday season!
"Why?" asked Trixie, crawling out of her bed and looking out the window on her wagon. "Why are you bothering me! All I wanted to do was sleep in this morning! Can't you just go away!"
Look, we'll pay you double scale, since it's a holiday.
"Bah! Humbug! I hate this season," scowled Trixie with a sneer. "Where is that worthless clerk Cratchit, so I can make his life miserable."
Wrong holiday story.
"Whoops. Sorry. Go on, I'll catch up."
Good. Now where were we? Oh yes.
Trixie hated Hearth's Warming! The whole holiday season!
"Except for the presents. Am I getting any presents in this episode?"
Sigh. Yes, if it will keep you quiet.
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be, perhaps, that her cloak was too tight
It could be that her head wasn’t screwed on just right.
“Hey! Watch it, bud.”
But I think that the most likely reason of all
may have been that her hat was two sizes too small.
“I resent that. My hat is perfect. It just shrank a bit in the rain that I had to run through while running away from Ponyville.”
Let me try that again.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that her heart was two sizes too small.
“More like my stomach being two sizes too empty. You try eating pine cones to survive and see how cheerful you are.”
But, whatever the reason, her hat or her fat,
“I told you to watch it, buster.”
She stood there on Hearth’s Warming Eve, hating like that
“Lame”
Hey, you try rhyming Ponyvillianians.
“Good point. Continue. I want to get this done and cash my check.”
Staring down from her cave with a sour, Trixie frown
At the warm lighted windows below in the town.
“Hey, I have this perfectly good wagon, I’ll have you know.”
But you’re parked in a cave.
“Well, so it leaks a little. Which I plan on fixing with the money I’m earning by the story that you’re delaying, so get to it.”
But she knew every pony in Ponyville below
Was busy now playing in the new-fallen snow
“They’ll hang up their stockings,” she said with a sneer
“Tomorrow’s Hearth’s Warming! It’s practically here! Wait a minute. Stockings? The only pair Trixie has is that rather ‘creative’ pair with all of the strategic holes in them. Are you telling me kids hang those in front of the fireplace? What kind of pervert is Santa Hooves anyway?”
Did he bring you those stockings last year?
“No, I got them from Twi— um… Just keep reading.”
Then she growled, with her hooves nervously drumming
“I must find a way to keep Hearth’s Warming from — are you certain you want Trixie to use this word? There’s a lot of impressionable little ponies out there. And a lot of dirty-minded old ones too.”
No, that’s fine. Just keep reading and we’ll fix it in Post-Production.
“For tomorrow, I know all the Ponyville colts and fillies
Will wake bright and early, with behavior most silly… much like this poem.”
Carefull
“Ahem. And then! Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
There’s one thing I hate! All the NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!”
We get it. You like silence. Just like after your act.
“If I didn’t need the bits… Sigh.
Then the ponies, young and old, will sit down to a feast
And they’ll feast! And they'll feast! And they'll FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!”
Good thing you’re not there. You’ve added a few pounds on those pine cones.
“They’ll feast on soft muffins, and rare Ponyville roast beets.
Which have been brought to your dinner table by the Ponyville Beet Council. Remember on this Hearth’s Warming season, there’s nothing like a big steaming beet at the table to bring families together. What!”
Look, we needed a sponsor and they’re paying the bits. You want the check or not?
“That guest shot on Duck Dynasty is looking better every minute. Anyway.
And then they’ll do something I hate most of all!
Every Pony down in Ponyville, the tall and the small,
Including those two little brats who brought me the bear
They kicked me from town, and those two idiots are still there!”
That doesn’t seem to be on my copy of the script.
“They’ll stand close together, with holiday bells ringing.
They’ll stand hoof to hoof, and those ponies will start singing!”
You’re still mad because you never got a singing part in the show, aren’t you?
“Just cue the chorus so we can get on with this.”
♫The fire of friendship lives in our hearts
As long as it burns we cannot drift apart
Though quarrels arise, their numbers are few
Laughter and singing will see us through (will see us through)
We are a circle of pony friends
A circle of friends we'll be to the very end ♫
And the more the Trixie thought of this gay Hearth’s Warming song,
the more the Trixie grumbled, “I must stop them, it’s wrong!
Why for nearly three seasons, I’ve put up with it now.
I must stop Hearth’s Warming from coming! But how?”
Then she got an idea! An awful idea!
The Trixie got a wonderful, awful idea!
“They got it already. Come on, The Great and Powerful Trixie has things to do when this is all over.”
Like what?
“Um. Look, just read. Ok?”
“I know just what to do!” the Trixie laughed in her throat.
“I’ll make a quick Santa Hooves hat and a cloak.”
-*Poof*-
Wow, that was fast. I was expecting a montage.
“Unicorn. Get over it.”
And she chuckled, and clucked. “What a great magic trick!
With this cloak and this hat, I’ll look just like that (censored)!”
Hey! Watch the language! Tiny tots, you know.
“Well, if he had ever given me a Hearth’s Warming present, I wouldn’t be so mad at him. I even leave my chimney flue open for him every year, and nothing!”
Maybe the stockings are scaring him off.
“What?”
Nothing, nothing. Just go on to the next part of the script.
“All I need is an idiotic minion. Or an announcer. But I repeat myself.” The Trixie looked around.
But since Snips and Snails had not followed, there were none to be found.
So she harnessed herself to her wagon quite tightly
and pulled it to the innocent town in a manner most spritely.
“Umph! The wagon’s a little heavy to be called ‘spritely.’”
It will help you work off some of those pine cones.
All their window were dark. No pony knew she was there.
All the ponies were all dreaming sweet dreams without care.
“Hey, if they’re all asleep, why did I need to change my fabulous outfit?”
When she came to the first little stable of the square.
“This is stop number one,” the old grouchy one snapped,
as she climbed to the roof, empty bags on her back.
“To heck with this. This could take all night long.
I’ll hurry things up with a fantastic montage song!”
We don’t have the budget. Look, just follow the script.
“I suppose. Let me flip ahead. Hm. Bit by the dog. Stuck in the chimney and left to bake.
Shocked by the tree. Oh, (censored) this! I’m a unicorn, for heaven’s sake!”
With a simple flick of her horn, purple light covered the stable.
“I’m the Great and Powerful Trixie, and I do not manually labor!”
Doesn’t scan well.
“Look, the Great and Powerful Trixie is trying to work here!”
And with that each house in Ponyville took on a bright glow
Then the presents, the food and ornaments, up their chimneys did go!
She took their foal toys, their games and stuffed moles
She took their zapapple jelly, their bread and dinner rolls
She took every peanut, and plum, and even their casseroles.
and danced in the street as her wagon load grew
When she heard a small noise just down by one shoe.
It was a small unicorn, just fresh from her bed
She looked at the scene, and this is what she said.
“Oh. It’s a holiday special. Hi Trixie.”
“Hi Dinky. Um. You’re not going to sound the alarm or anything?”
“No,” said the little unicorn as she leafed through her script.
“Just as long as you learn a lesson and bring everything back.”
The Trixie saw Dinky back safe to her bed,
gave her some water, and a pat on the head.
Then while leaving the house, she took all of their presents
their tree and their food, while muttering, “Peasants!”
“She thinks that friendship will change even me?
We’ll see how their friendship stands the lack of a tree.”
At a quarter of dawn, with the Trixie a draggin’
She finished her packing and turned to the wagon
Stacked high with their presents, their ribbons, and wrappings.
Their food and their trees, the lights and the trappings!
With a mighty heave of her shoulders, she started to pull
Teeth gritting and hooves aching, the situation she mulled,
While dragging that wagon back home to her cave.
“Perhaps instead of spending them, my bits I should save,
By taking each present and checking the price
And selling on He-Bay, oh that would be nice.”
At her home in the forest, she finally did stop
and listened for the noise that soon would rise up
“Poo-poo to the ponies,” she said in a snit
“They’re my things now, and they can stick it.
“They’re just waking up, from their warm snuggy beds
They’ll bound down the stairs and stand shaking their heads
Their mouths will hang open, and their foals will just stare
at the place where they expected to find presents there.
Then the ponies will all cry as they feel my despair,
To hear that great sound will make me one happy mare.
“That’s a noise,” grinned the Trixie, “that I simply must hear.”
She paused, took a pose, and put a hoof to her ear.
And she did hear a sound, rising over the snow,
It started in low, then it started to grow.
♫The fire of friendship lives in our hearts
As long as it burns we cannot drift apart
Though quarrels arise, their numbers are few
Laughter and singing will see us through (will see us through)
We are a circle of pony friends
A circle of friends we'll be to the very end ♫
The sound wasn’t sad!
Why, this sound sounded glad!
Every pony in Ponyville, the tall and the small,
was singing without any presents at all.
Hearth’s Warming still came, despite lack of things
and she stood there in shock, while hearing them sing.
And the Trixie, with her cold hooves still deep in the snow
Stood thinking and gripeing, “How could it be so?”
“It came without ribbons! It came without tags!
It came without packages, boxes or bags!
I took all their stuff! I don’t see the reason,
Why they’re all so darned happy, on this miserable season.”
To be really honest, she should have considered
Just what else was in the cave as she stood there and shivered
The sweet scent of the food blew gently inside
and awaked a cranky Ursa, who padded to her side.
“RRRAAAAWWWWGGGGHHH!!!” bellowed the Ursa as he caught hold of the scent,
of casseroles and beets, but away Trixie went.
Faster than fast she did run with her wagon,
which bounced sharply behind her, weighing as much as a dragon.
Out bounced the trees, the lights and the bows
and soon the food also, “Everything must go!”
She shouted as she ran, in a scene very tragic
Flinging boxes and bags behind her with magic.
And by the time she arrived in the Ponyville square,
Only the gifts remained on her wagon back there.
“That’s her!” squealed Dinky, pointing with accusatory hoof.
“She’s the one who stole all our stuff.”
As the ponies gathered ‘round and clapped her in restraints,
Trixie called out, “Oh, no! Please wait!
I’ve changed in my heart on this special day
For I see it quite clearly now, and this is what I say
Hearth’s Warming, you see, doesn’t come from a store
Hearth’s Warming, perhaps, is just a little bit more.”
With great adulation, the ponies took did carry her
Into the courthouse, where there Twilight did—
“Wait a minute!” bellowed Trixie while waving the script overhead.
“Me marry Twilight? Why, I’d rather be dead!
“What brain-dead hack has written this story?
As soon as I find him, it’s going to get gorey!”
“Silence,” said the judge, Luna being her name
Who scowled down at Trixie, “I know of your game.
“You’re that annoying blue twit with the point on your head
Just be very glad that you’re not winding up dead.
I’ve seen what you two think, and the dreams from your beds,
I’ve had quite enough! I now pronounce you two wed!
“I object!” Trixie shouted at the judge in a rage,
who quietly ignored her while turning the script page.
“Your crimes are quite many, but given the season,
I think mercy is in order, but that’s not the reason
I’m giving you parole and a few months home confinement
your attitude is annoying, and needs some refinement.”
“Now hold it,” shouted Trixie as Twilight dragged her away quite tied
in many ropes very strong, and four hoof-manacles well tried.
“There are rules to this thing, there are lessons that are taught,
What moral can be expressed by my marriage to this (censored)!”
“Stealing stuff is naughty and should be punished,” said Dinky.
“When agreeing to contracts, you should always first obtain advice from legal counsel,” said the narrator.
“Don’t ever cheat a Princess at poker,” said Luna. “And get your cash in advance.”
“Santa Hooves really does give you the presents you ask for,” said Twilight Sparkle. “Particularly if you ask Princess Celestia too.”
Perhaps if Trixie had actually read the script before agreeing,
Tonight she would not be trapped in the library, tied up to prevent fleeing.
Our story is done, we’ve presented our reasons
Now go out there and enjoy, these blessed holiday seasons.
We would like to thank the colts and fillies of the Ponyville Beet Council for their support of this program, and also Madam Rarity’s Fine Harness and Restraints for providing the props. No ponies were harmed during this production, except for Trixie. This has been a Sunnybutt and Moonrump production, all nights reserved. Don’t forget to tip your waiter. Close cover before striking. Caution: No user serviceable parts inside. In the event of laughter lasting more than twelve hours, good. And have a very Merry Christmas, to one and all.
x 
and a few naughty words, carefully censored by Mr. Tweedly, on loan from Stan Freberg.