Chapters I never understood what everypony thought was so special about summer. I knew that some foals, unlike me, had many things to do when they got out of school. Some of my classmates had lives and friends, ponies to see and relatives to visit. I never had any of those things, and though I was gifted with an amazing home and possessions most would pine for, that only went so far between school years. Almost the moment I got out of Canterlot’s School for Gifted Unicorns every year I felt something inside of me go into hibernation, and I knew that it was only a matter of time before I succumbed to the melancholy that marked my lonely summer nights. Compounded by the fact that my sister, Shimmer Shield, had gone away for the summer, I was forced into a near social exile. My parents were gone; too busy to come home most of the time or simply not concerned for my well-being.
I’d done too good a job convincing them of my ability to be independent, and although I was fully capable of functioning on my own, I knew that life during Canterlot’s summers was almost comparable to being trapped in purgatory. My house bordered on a mansion, and I was always welcome to any square foot I pleased, all fourteen-thousand of them. I wasn’t unstable, but the many long nights of loneliness oftentimes grew unbearable, and I’d stay awake for days on end reading until finally passing out on the floor or couch, only to wake a whole day later and repeat the vicious cycle. The whole thing wore on my mental health, as it would any young colt, but little did I know that this summer would be much different from all the others. Instead of being alone as I thought I would be, I’d be joined by the one pony that I thought I’d never see again after Shimmer Shield went away.
Everything began the first day of that summer, with a brisk chill in the air despite the fact that it was almost May. I personally blamed the altitude as I made my way down the massive flight of steps, wondering just how I’d occupy my time without a sister or parents to keep my company. My clean hooves made it hard to grip the polished granite, but a lifetime of living in that strange house had honed my balance to where it hardly bothered me. My father came from behind and set a hoof on my back, then tilted my chin up without a word, another remark about the posture problems I’d been having. He’d been harping on me about it since I spent too many long hours stooped over a writing desk, reading anything I could get my hooves on. Since I had easy access to his library that was more than several encyclopaedias worth of information, and I’d dedicated most of it to memory. My posture was almost constantly sulking, and the fact that I was dreading their departure made it even more pronounced. I only reached my father’s neck as he trotted past me, levitating several of his suitcases and travelling bags over and around me as I made my way downstairs at a much slower pace.
The entry hall of my house was a massive glass façade, designed to let light in no matter what time of the day it was. There was a massive domed skylight seventy feet above, and three monolithic windows taking up the North, South and West walls of the hall. Two large staircases led upstairs, and between them were two doors leading to the kitchen, dining hall, laundry room, music room, library and finally a greenhouse before one exited the building onto our near acre of backyard. If it could even be called backyard, of course. It was mostly filled in with cement and large statues, and could be moreover considered one massive hedge-garden more than it could be called a yard. Plants grew back there during the summer that one could hardly pronounce, set with charms that eliminated the need for maintenance or trimming. Up the stairs was a large catwalk, with doors directly in the centre of the wall facing the entrance of the house, and two at either end of the walk, leading to bedrooms, guestrooms, storage chambers and even a large open-air balcony. Despite the home in all its extravagance, I wanted somepony to share it with more than anything. I considered telling my father that as he trotted ahead of me, but decided against it. He grew rather defensive if I suggested that I wasn’t being properly cared for.
My mother, her blue coat shimmering, appeared in a flourish of magic just by the front doors, and no sooner could I open my mouth to ask her if perhaps I could invite a friend over did she interrupt me, causing my breath to catch in my throat. I’d wanted desperately to not be alone that whole summer, but such dreams disappeared the moment she began to talk in that formal, apathetic tone of hers.
“Now dear, don’t let anypony in the house. The pantry is all stocked up, if you need anything please head next door and ask the neighbours to take you shopping in town. If you need us send a letter with your magic. I know Barbara isn’t here to keep you company any more, but I’m sure Solaris is training her and she’s having a wonderful time at the castle. Keep busy, and try not to burn the house down using any risky magic.” She chirped, all in a few seconds.
My father saw my dejected expression and bit his bottom lip, looking from his wife to his son as if conflicted. If he told her of the obvious melancholy I was expressing he wouldn’t get to go on his trip, and if he didn’t I’d be miserable all summer. He brightened and trotted back towards me, as I’d finally reached the last step and was ready to hug my parents farewell on their journey.
“Son, do you remember Cadenza?” He asked, setting one of his hooves on my shoulder. “I think, since you don’t have Barbara to keep you company, I’ll send a letter and ask him for some of his time. He’s probably busy, but I know how well you two got along.”
I brightened and jumped up, wrapping my hooves around his neck. Whereas my mother could oftentimes forget me, he’d always known when I needed something. He chuckled and let me go, standing again and giving me a wave of his hoof goodbye. I waved back, not knowing how long they’d be gone, why they were going or even if they had a reason. All I knew as that this is how it was every summer. They’d go away, leave me there, and only send a letter if they heard something went wrong. Otherwise I could sit in my room and stare at the ceiling for my entire sabbatical, for all they truly cared. At least my father was better than my mother, and he had some sort of paternal instinct. She on the other hoof hardly even knew how old I was, or what school I was in. There wasn’t even a word in this language I could use to express her pure apathy for my general existence. It was always Shimmer Shield she cared for, not I. My father would deny it but he was also extremely biased towards his eldest foal.
I watched them depart, my happiness fading as I watched them trot away, until finally they reached the hedge marking the edge of our property, hailed a carriage, and left me until summer’s end. I blinked, looking down at my hooves. I wanted nothing at the moment but sleep, despite the fact that I knew unless I lapsed into a coma it wouldn’t help the time pass any faster. I could already feel the entropic aura of the house gnawing at me, eating away at my will to do anything but sulk over my misfortune the whole summer. I turned, about to trot towards the library and pull my summer’s worth of reading off the shelves before I sighed, shaking my head. Reading wouldn’t help me when all I did was commit the same things to memory. I turned and began to trot up the steps again instead, not particularly knowing where my hooves were taking me, only that it was better than stooping over a desk in a musty old library reading over Machiavelli for the seventieth time. I reached the top of the stairs and hooked a sharp right, heading towards my room.
The hall leading down to my room was fully laid with hardwood flooring, and my hooves made hollow clacks as they echoed through the empty corridor. I was about to turn left into my chambers, but a partially opened door caught my eye. I trotted over to the fine oaken threshold to see that somepony had been in Shimmer Shield’s room. It was most likely my mother, who had been unable to find something of hers and thus borrowed it from her daughter. I didn’t know what I was doing, but in the nostalgic mood I was, looking around my now absent sister’s bedroom struck me as something I could enjoy. I opened the door fully to see her brilliantly white carpet, then her queen-sized bed, the curtains drawn tightly around it. The room was otherwise vacant, the walls facing the outside of the house replaced with windows that looked out over our backyard, and slightly into the neighbour’s property. Her bright blue interior walls shone and the curtains fluttered lightly as the door displaced the air, leaving me to wonder just how much my sister had left behind. I trotted over to her closet door and opened it, muttering an illumination spell to reveal stacks of old boxes and crates that lined the sides of the walk-in closet.
I blinked at just how much she’d kept from her foalhood, seeing old toys spilling over the sides of open boxes and basic spellbooks littering the floor of the confined space, having fallen over some time after she’d left, with nopony to right them again. I concentrated on what little magic I possessed and cast the orb of light away from my horn to hover a bit over my head, wanting to get a better look at everything she’d left behind. I picked up a few of the books at a time with by levitation, learning my limit was about three due to my severely hampered magical abilities. Most unicorn colts had nice, sharp horns that were at least as long as their hooves by the age of thirteen, but sadly mine was half that, and thus all the spells I cast had to be carefully maintained. I mentally kept track of how much magic I was using as I held up the light and levitated the books out of the closet, finishing to trot out and shut the door again.
I smiled as I picked up the first tome; a simple alteration magic guide, one that I’d read when I was seven and mastered in a month. As I combed through the many cracked leather bindings of the spellbooks my mind wandered back to the days me and my older sister would sit on her bed and read together, testing my abilities by making me flip the pages while she narrated along, having me test the spells mentioned in the text every now and again to make sure I didn’t just know the motions, but knew how to execute some of the admittedly complex arcane manoeuvres. We used to laugh and tell jokes, talk about her teachers and how sometimes she could outshine even the best of her tutors. On other evenings she’d be saddened by a bad test score or annoyed at Cadenza, and I’d let her paint my hooves a lovely shade of mauve to settle her nerves. Along that same train of thought I remembered my mother and father’s horrified reactions at her having painted my hooves, and how we’d both been disallowed from entering each other’s rooms from that point onwards. I blinked at that; why had they been so upset about that, anyways? We were just doing what we usually did together, and it wasn’t hurting anypony. Despite my inability to see why it was a product of stigma, my father made sure I’d scrubbed every bit of hoof polish off by the time I went to school that following week.
I never did anything that fun with my sister again, and we were never that close from then afterwards. Obviously whatever the problem was with a colt having his hooves painted a different colour, it as severe, as I could still hear my father yelling of how improper it was for a young, respectable colt such as I to mar my image by making myself seem ridiculous. I remembered asking him, quite innocently, why he was so upset over something so trivial. He’d roared at me that no proper male would ever go in public with his hooves a shade of purple-pink if they weren’t naturally that way. I’d merely nodded my head after that to get him to calm down, not questioning his authority from that point onwards. I brought myself back to reality by stacking the books again and returning them to their proper positions at the back of Shimmer Shield’s closet. I was about to shut the door and leave her room when I caught sight of a box of her clothes, and I recalled another fond memory of her having us both dress up as guards and thieves. Sometimes I’d be the thief and others I’d be the guard, and she won almost invariably. Despite that we both had enjoyed playing together, until it was all ruined by whatever crushing social taboo it was for a brother to enjoy the same things as his older sister. I looked guiltily over at her boxes of old clothes, hearing my father’s words echo through my head.
‘No stallion ever dresses up in a mare’s clothes unless he is a mentally ill or too moronic to comprehend what he is doing. I know Shimmer Shield asked you to see if her old things fit you, and she fully intended to give them to you if they did, but I will tell you right now if I find so much as one of her socks in your possession I will personally ban you from the library for a week.’ He’d growled at me from across his desk.
I’d always wondered if her old clothes actually fit me, considering she kept all of them. I shook my head, the first sentence of my father’s lecture ringing in my ears. That accompanied with the rather stinging hoof across my cheek I’d received upon another transgression of his rules had me fearful of even so much as touching her clothes, let along wearing them. Besides that, I was neither moronic nor mentally ill. Or perhaps I was, seeing as how I felt the urge to reach out and feel the slinky smooth hem of the skirt I’d once tried on, merely out of curiosity. I’d never truly had clothes of my own, seeing as how the only ponies who had any reason to were mares. For some reason or another, the only true thing of mine that I could call clothing, and not some sort of accessory, was a suit I’d worn during a very formal party we’d hosted a few years back. Other than that I’d strutted about as most ponies did, since we didn’t expose anything indecent by not wearing anything. Ignoring the fact that I’d been raised to disregard clothing as a whole, I found wearing things to be nice, soothing in a way to know that I could look somewhat different from day to day without constantly altering my style of mane. The sting of my father’s hoof on my face came up like a phantom pain, and I shut the door to my sister’s closet, not wanting any reason to feel it hit me with such force again.
I left my sister’s room, feeling the house sink its cold, depressing teeth into me the moment I left the small beacon of comfort my sister’s former residence offered. I entered my own abode, a simple two-story bedroom that had my bed and personal effects on the top floor, with the entire thing being fitted with glass windows instead of outside walls, much like my sister’s room was. Making up the lower floor were bookcases taking up every available inch of wallspace, with a plethora of storage cabinets and inkwells strewn about on desks from my many late-night study sessions. It probably looked like the final resting place of a peacock with how many fanciful quills I had lying about, and to add the sense of organized chaos were towers of books braced against the walls and sides of desks, even other lower piles of books for structural stability. In all it looked like a scholar lived there, and indeed I did consider myself a student and high-ranking intellectual as I began to set about organizing my abode.
I finished cleaning and organizing a few minutes later, having taken care of it with a mixture of my hooves and magic, it now looked relatively neat compared to the sad state I’d left it yesterday. I sighed and flopped down on my bed, wondering just how miserable I would get to be before Cadenza ever worked out a time to visit me. After Shimmer Shield had left he went back to being a full time prince at the castle, seeing as how she was in guard academy now. She was the head of the mages coalition there, and had been named a captain for her superior combat prowess and strategic thinking, amongst other things such as healing magic, ambush counteracting, bare-hooved combat, etc. She was, in essence, the perfect guardspony, and she outshone all of her fellows until they finally made her one of the highest ranking officers they could. She apparently ran the Guard quite well, and her ingenious thinking towards new admissions testing had decreased the number of guards fired by the hundreds.
My mind wandered away from my older sibling’s accomplishments and back onto mine, and how meagre and scant they seemed compared to her leviathan establishments. I was a student at Solaris’ School for Gifted Unicorns, and that ended my list of achievements. I was the class geek, I had spitballs aimed at my ears constantly and I was made fun of for almost everything I did. From the way that I breathed to the way I sometimes tucked my mane behind my ear, the ponies in my class did anything to execute a flaw in my personality. More than a few times I’d been reduced to tears by their verbal abuse, not to mention the times that they’d spent pushing me around in the bathrooms since none of the teachers were allowed in there. In a nutshell I was the pony that wanted desperately to be invisible, to become immaterial for just a while, in order to escape my vulnerabilities. Sadly, that was exactly what I was, vulnerable. I opened myself up for these things when I combed spare locks of my mane behind my ears and sometimes crossed my front legs over each other when talking to other colts. They called me the most awful things, but everything that I did that seemed to egg them onwards was simply part of who I was.
To say nothing for the fact that I was smarter than anypony in my class. Most simply resented me because I decimated any and all attempts to win student competitions. I’d solved problems involving guessing how many jellybeans could fit into a jar before on the first guess, and any and all things awarded due to academic achievement went directly to me almost by default. This lack of variation in my abilities made it so that my teachers excluded me from tests of learning and skill to give others a chance, and whenever I was included I could see the eyes of my fellows trying to burn me with their glares of annoyance. I’d won spelling bee trophies from the time I was just a foal, simply to thrown them into my closet. I didn’t want my intelligence any more than I wanted these strange personality tics my parents had done their utmost to iron out of me by the time I was twelve. Now there I was, thirteen, and socially exiled from other ponies until the end of the summer. What good did my intelligence do me at any point in my life? I honestly had no answer.
I faintly recalled the very first time I’d had a teacher stick up for me, and that was the very last time. Miss Telecast had been her name, and we’d grown to be great friends last year. Sadly I was moving on to a grade two higher next school term, and I’d be leaving her behind. I remembered how she’d always give me things marginally more difficult than the others, to keep me engaged and not doing the assignments in four seconds, just to be bullied by the others into sharing my answers. I bristled at the thoughts of how I’d let the same ponies who called me a small-horned teacher’s pet read my paper for my answers. I hated how spineless I could be, how little it took to pressure me into doing something that I really didn’t even want to do. It was that same lack of will that led me to be in the situation I was, unable to speak up to my parents about how lonely I was because I was afraid they would be upset.
I stared out at the lawn, even at the neighbour’s house for a few minutes, only to see that they were gone as well, probably until the end of the summer. Everypony on the block was on vacation, and I was stuck there, alone. I sighed and buried my face in my blankets, wondering if anypony would care if I practiced my destruction spells indoors for once. Most of the time my father advised that I did it out on the patio, but since I was officially alone and couldn’t burn anypony on accident, I gave it a measure of thought before I shrugged and decided that it wasn’t worth it. I was about to jump out of bed and go to the kitchen for a snack, until I noticed a book I’d never seen before laying on the nightstand. I picked it up and flicked through the first few pages, speed-reading as best I could. It seemed to be a categorized methodology on how to diagnose mental diseases, by what I garnered through reading the synopsis in the front. I was about to set it down when I stopped, looking back down at the book.
‘…unless he is mentally ill or too moronic to know what he is doing.’ The words echoed again.
I blinked pointedly, then settled back down onto my mattress. Perhaps… perhaps there was something wrong with me, after all. I began to read in hopes that, whatever strange psychological affliction I was suffering from, wasn’t in there, and thus didn’t exist. I prayed to all the higher deities I knew of that there was nothing wrong with me, and that these strange things I did were merely the result of spending too much time with my sister. I continued reading until I reached a certain part of the book listing psychological disorders dealing with gender, and there it was. Under a very simple listing it said that typically a number of mental diseases could be characterized by a willingness to wear the clothes of the opposite gender, even feeling compulsions to act as if they were a member of the opposite sex unconsciously. It was listed as a member of physiological conditions, and it even said that it was typically caused by severe mental disturbances and chemical imbalances. I set the book down and shook my head; that was ridiculous, I didn’t have a chemical imbalance, and under no circumstances had I ever been mentally disturbed. I closed the book and looked at the author and date of print to find that it was written in nineteen-twenty-three, over a hundred years ago.
I disregarded the book and pushed it off the edge of my bed, even under the banister that led to the bottom floor of my room. It landed on top of the bookshelf with a clatter and I fought off the words it bore. I branded the words I’d read as misinformation, and threw it to the back of my mind. In no way was anything wrong with me, in any way, shape or form. Or… perhaps, was there? My parents had reacted quite forcefully to my compulsions to act like a filly, and had dealt with it quite harshly. Had they been trying to protect me from some sort of mental condition, to keep it from developing further as one would halt the spread of a virus? I cast a spell and recalled the book to me, opening it again and reading further. It said that the symptoms of the illnesses were almost always social exclusion, heightened intelligence due to more time to themselves, a generally decreased sense of self-worth, a lack of willpower, and overall poor physical condition. It said that unicorns and pegasi were more likely to suffer the ailments listed above, as well as those in poor or peak physical condition, were generally disliked by their peers, spent a lot of time alone, and showed interest in those of the same gender.
I balked and sent the book across the room with my magic, unable to accept any of those things as fact. It seemed to describe me to a cue, and the fact that it even guessed at my social status made it increasingly difficult to not accept these things as fact. I lit my horn and disappeared in a flash of magic, reappearing in the library. I browsed the shelves until I found a much more modern guide to psychology, and pulled it off the shelf hurriedly. I teleported back to my room and threw the massive tome open on my bed, flicking through the pages worriedly. I was genuinely panicked at that point; the fact that I’d been unable to see what was wrong with me until now was pushing me to hysterics, and after I checked to make sure that it was published this year I read the articles on gender-identity disorders. I shook as I read it again and again, memorizing the passage. There it was, written in current language. The correct diagnosis was right under my nose, but I still refused to accept it.
I pushed the book off my bed again, shaking my head. It was all in my head, nothing could possibly be wrong with me. I was about to go and look at another book for further confirmation, but a loud ring of the doorbell snapped me away from my manic, distraught thoughts. I blinked and thought of who could possibly be here at almost noon on a Saturday. I’d been so thrown by my recent devices that I’d forgotten that my father had told me he’d send for Cadenza. I cursed and quickly picked up my books, throwing everything into a relatively neat order before teleporting down to the entrance hall, brushing myself off and tucking my mane behind my ears as I trotted up to the doors. I cursed at myself for obeying that nervous tic and fought to regulate my heartbeat, taking a few deep breaths before opening the door to see Cadenza, in all his royal grace.
I felt myself grow weak in the knees at seeing him for the first time in almost a year; he was a lot to take in, that was for sure. From his long-limbed, effortless stride to his sleek frame, he was undoubtedly the most admirable stallion I’d ever seen apart from Solaris himself. Even though his mane and coat were a bright pink he still gave off an undoubtable air of authority, and when he glanced at me I merely smiled and I crossed my front hooves like a starstruck filly, averting my eyes. I mentally called myself a complete mooncalf for acting like that in front of my sister’s crush, but it simply couldn’t be helped. It was ingrained into me on an instinctual level, and as much as I hated it, he made me feel odd things in unusual ways, which I simply couldn’t explain. He and I went back a bit, with him having been my foalsitter for almost a year before stopping, seeing no further reason to watch me after Shimmer Shield left. We were good enough friends, having simply existed in the same space as each other for months on end.
“May I come in?” He asked in his usual calm tone, as if nothing was wrong in all the world. “Are you okay, Dusk? You look a pale, if I say so myself.”
“Oh, um, it’s nothing.” I stuttered, inviting him in with a wave of my hoof. “I was just, um, reading a bit and lost track of time… I wasn’t expecting you to arrive for at least a day or so considering how busy you are.” I bluffed professionally.
He obviously saw past my ruse, but knew better than to pry into my personal business. He stepped inside with a smile, taking off his saddlebag and hanging it on the hooks next to the entrance mat. He ruffled his wings while I admired him, sinking down a little lower to the floor in hopes that he wouldn’t notice my fawning. He was beautiful, and I admired those wings of his like one would admire the majesty of an eagle in flight. He was eternally composed as he strode a bit further into the house, taking a few things out of his bags with magic and tucking them under his wing before trotting upstairs, hooking a sharp left to go towards the guest bedroom. I didn’t follow him, even though I wanted beyond expression to explain to him my recent woes. I turned and headed in the opposite direction, off towards my room to continue my research. This simply couldn’t be true, what I’d been reading.
I nearly trotted past Shimmer Shield’s room for a second time, but I stopped this time, looking around pointedly. I needed to know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that this wasn’t just some quirk of mine. I opened the door and closed it, locking the solid oak barrier behind me before I trotted over to the closet. I opened it, cast a light spell, pulled out the box of clothes, and began to unfold them. I felt my father’s words roaring in my head for me to stop, to cease pursuing this ridiculous task when it meant nothing in the grand scheme of things. I ignored the phantom pain I felt where he’d reprimanded me and continued to unfold her clothes until I found a simple pair of her socks, knee length and woollen. I smiled at the sight of them and lifted them up, letting the thick purple and pink colours drink in sunlight for the first time in months. I began to slip them onto my hooves, blinking as I felt less and less uncomfortable with the scenario. By the time I had the first on I no longer heard my parents scolding me from the back of my mind. By the third it felt… strangely normal to be wearing them, and when all four of my hooves were covered to the knee with the soft wool I felt something warm and comforting in my chest, as if my own psyche was supporting my inexplicable behaviour.
It had all felt… right, in a way. It was as if I’d felt more natural in those clothes than I’d been without them, and I kept them on for a moment longer than I’d intended. I trotted over to the mirror my sister had proper up against the wall and regarded my young, fragile reflection. I smiled at how good they made my legs look, longer and sleeker than normal, as well as highlighting the colours in my mane. I stood on the tips of my hooves and giggled, hopping from hoof to hoof from how giddy they made me, how good it felt to not only break the rules, but feel instinctually right while doing so. I turned a circle, regarding myself from all angles before the fun of the situation wore off, and the truth set in. My smile fell into a horrified expression, and I tore the socks off, throwing them in the box and pushing it back into my sister’s closet. That was it, then. There was something genuinely wrong with me.
Yet… was there? I blinked and began to question something I’d learned in a book for the first time in my life, looking back at the closet where I’d just stowed away every last scrap of my sister’s old clothing. I’d felt something… inexplicable, alien wearing her clothes. The more I thought about it, the more I recognized the feeling. It was the same feeling I’d felt back when me and Shimmer Shield were the best of friends, and we would paint each other’s hooves and she’d give me her old clothes. It was the same odd, feminine aura I took on around Cadenza, when I’d fawn over him and bow sometimes just to show that I admired him more than anypony else. It was the same feeling I’d always associated with happiness and a sense of belonging, when I could be myself around my sister and use the words I always preferred over simple vocabulary. But now I was faced with an inescapable ultimatum. My parents, society, psychology and everything of the like deemed this as mental sickness, as something horrid and unacceptable. My mind, and my heart, told me that this was entirely okay, and that I could feel as beautiful as I wished.
“Psychology is a theoretical field of medicine, anyways.” I said, pulling the box of clothes back out. “It can’t hurt… if I only wear them when nopony is around. After all, if a tree falls in the woods and nopony is around to witness it, it basically never happened.”
I continued to justify my actions as best I could, continuing to sort through her old things before I stopped, laying back down on the soft white carpet, lost in thought for easily the seventeenth time that hour. It always seemed my mind functioned around that peculiarly prime amount. I knew in my mind that nothing I ever did kept itself a secret, no matter how hard I tried to keep it buried. I also knew that my father, and possibly mother, would beat me within an inch of my young life if they knew what I was doing. If the first time I’d been caught doing these things had garnered me a slap across the face, I cringed to imagine what would happen here, where I was purposefully and wilfully disobeying my parents. I could only imagine how badly I’d be punished, forced into basic incarceration in my room, the shelves stripped bare of the books I loved without so much as a writing utensil to be found anywhere, bound inside the room by a lock on my door and a sealing charm to keep me from teleporting anywhere.
In spite of everything I imagined happening, I continued to sort through my sister’s things, putting the articles of clothing I wanted beside me and the others back inside their respective boxes. To the untrained eye it would seem almost as if nothing had been taken at all, and soon I had a neat stack of rather crisp dresswear I could adorn myself with while my parents were away and my foalsitter was otherwise predisposed. I clapped my hooves at how my being alone, instead of being the bane of my summer, might just end up being the one thing that helped me bear through it. I still felt the nagging emotional and mental strain of all my parent’s scolding at the back of my head, but I was beginning to learn to disregard it as I caught sight of a rather nice school outfit that my sister had worn a total of once, and then never so much as touched it again. I held it up with my magic and smiled, clapping my front hooves together. I’d see how I looked in this, and if it fit I’d most definitely keep it.
Not even a few minutes later I stood in the rather flattering skirt and undershirt, smiling at myself in the mirror. It was a bright pink that matched the singular lock of mane on my head that bore the matching colour, and the actual skirt itself was pale lavender. I began to think that perhaps my sister had actually bought me those clothes, seeing as how all of them matched me in some way. I did a quick pirouette, admiring how the skirt flared as I turned sharply. I decided on keeping the outfit, and lit my horn to prepare for taking it off. No sooner did I begin to loosen the collar did Cadenza open the door, a key held in his hoof. He didn’t see me immediately, but the moment his hoof crossed the threshold he caught sight of me, standing there, crossing my front legs in shame as I struggled to not look in his direction. In private had been one thing, but with him standing there, looking at me as if he couldn’t have imagined that scenario in a million years, I felt ashamed. His lips parted, as if he was going to say something, something to express his shock or disgust, to tell me how wrong I was for wearing such things when they not only weren’t mine, but also a filly’s clothes. He didn’t say anything, however, and simply stood there, tilting his head to the side as if he was formulating how to address the situation at hoof. Of course he would be the one to keep his composure in such a situation.
“I’m so sorry Cadenza I wasn’t thinking and she always lent me her clothes so since I knew I’d be alone the whole summer I got them out because they kind of make me feel more comfortable like how things were back when we were best friends and we would paint each other’s hooves so it makes me more comfortable to wear her clothes sometimes and it makes me feel really pretty and beautiful because most of the time the ponies at school tell me I’m really ugly and nerdy and sometimes it makes me feel better to dress up like this since everypony always thought that Shimmer Shield was really cute when she was a filly -” I said, all in one breath while shutting my eyes, unable to look at him in the face.
I heard him take two long strides and all of the sudden my mind went blank, unable to comprehend what was going on. I could no longer speak, as my mouth ceased to obey my mind, which had no clue what to say in the face of what was happening. I half-opened my mouth, struggling to say something, anything but just simmer in pure silence, but Cadenza kept me from speaking as my tongue went dry. I realized, vaguely, as if through some sort of looking glass directed towards some other pony, that Cadenza was standing over my delicate frame, his hoof underneath my chin as he kissed my horn lovingly. I drew in air, my eyes only half open and rolling skywards, my entire being coalescing to my horn as he flicked his tongue over it, stimulating me in a way I had never been before. A bit of drool escaped my mouth and I exhaled in a way that sounded like a moan, unable to resist him as he drew more of my magic in with his lips. My entire body shook, and I struggled to stay standing as he seemed to draw all of my inhibitions out of me through my horn, manifested into the sparks of pure energy that shot out onto his tongue. I felt something strange between my legs, a heat I’d ever experienced before, one that didn’t burn so much as it enticed, urged me to reach down and fuel the fire with a few strokes of my hoof.
Once my mind was nothing but a completely blank slate he drew away, leaving me to shiver and stand there, my hooves spread out in all directions, looking up at him like he was my saviour. He licked his lips, breaking a line of his saliva that still connected him to my horn. I panted helplessly, my mind still unable to work through the vast nothingness he’d left in place of my fears and doubts.
“You look good in those clothes, Dusk.” He said in a low voice, putting a hoof under my chin so that I would look up into his eyes. “Most becoming of you… though I must ask why you’re wearing them.”
I couldn’t lie to him, not after the love he’d just shown me. “I-I suffer from gender-identity problems.” I stuttered truthfully, knowing how strange that sounded. “Shimmer Shield, she… she treated me more like her younger sister than her brother, so I thought it was natural until my parents caught on. They don’t like that I do this when they’re away, but it makes me feel… good, deep down. I feel like I’m more at peace with myself when I look the way I feel… I always liked you, Cadenza…” I trailed off.
He smiled and drew a bit closer, and I desperately wished he’d fasten his lips to my horn again. I was addicted to the feeling of mindless bliss that he offered me with his delicate touch, and I wanted nothing more than to not have to think again. He smiled and wrapped a caring hoof around me, bringing my muzzle to his chest as I looked up at him, my breathing still erratic from his generous stimulation. He brought a wing around me and covered me in his embrace, closing out the bright white room I was in so I could experience nothing but his warmth, the soft texture of his coat pressed to my cheek. I nuzzled him adoringly, wanting little more than to give him what he’d just given to me. I felt the heat between my legs growing more pronounced, and almost the moment Cadenza released me I sat down, praying the clothes I had on would hide my excitement. Although I was young, I was learned in biology, and I knew quite well what my loins were doing as Cadenza gazed down at my innocent, vulnerable young body. I blushed intensely as his vision lighted over the hem of my skirt, the simple flick of his eyes enough to convince me that he returned my sudden attraction to him.
“So, Dusk.” He said, smiling warmly as he took a seat, lowering himself down until he sat on his stomach in front of me. He was still a bit taller than me, and I couldn’t help but flick my tail a bit, if only to alleviate the growing pressure in my nethers. “You say you’re more comfortable behaving as a filly… and you suffer from a known identity disorder. You know the first step to finding a solution to something like that it to admit that you have it… you’ve done that. Now we just have to confirm that the diagnosis is correct by going over your symptoms.”
“I’m antisocial, I like to dress up in my sister’s clothes, I cross my hooves around handsome stallions… like you. I brush my mane behind my ears when I’m flustered, I like the colours pink and purple and I like to be as feminine as possible if the situation permits it.” I said, reeling down the list.
“You seem quite sure of yourself, Dusk.” He said, nodding and looking me over hungrily. “There’s only one symptom you have yet to express to me, though… do you like to experience pleasure as a mare does?”
I squeaked and closed my back legs, shivering. I didn’t know if I wanted to take that step yet, considering how long we’d known each other. I was afraid that it would ruin our relationship, but Cadenza suffered no such inhibitions as his horn lit, pulling me closer by the collar of my shirt. I let myself be dragged over to him until I was standing directly next to his face, my muzzle to his as he grinned merrily. I blushed and my horn lit, sparking a bit from how sudden his advances were. All of the sudden he had a hold of my hooves, and just as suddenly he was holding my front legs up in the air, forcing me to dangle by my front hooves and stand on my hind legs. I bit my bottom lip as he held me there, reaching out a hoof and using it to feel my waist, tracing a line from my mid-chest to the end of my thigh. I began to breath heavily again, my tiny stallionhood stiffening at his touch. He was holding me to where I had little other choice than to expose my full body to him, and I nearly fainted as he kissed my neck. I kissed him in return near the base of his horn. He smiled and let magic run through it, letting me know I had permission to service him in whatever manner I pleased. I took his long, pristinely smooth horn into my mouth and suckled on it gratefully, moaning as his magic set my nerves on end, causing me to squirm in ecstatic futility against his bonds.
He kept his magical shackles around my front hooves as his lips lowered, finding the nape of my neck and biting it ferociously. I yelped into his horn, my member twitching, but a sudden force on the back of my head kept me from pulling off and protesting his bestial expressions. He bit me again and again, almost drawing blood by the third time. I knew I’d have marks, but the spots where he’d sunk his sharp teeth into me burnt with new fire, fuelling the inferno that was growing between my legs. I wanted him desperately to touch me; that was all I knew I needed, just one little graze of his hoof over my head and I’d go off, have my very first orgasm right into my sister’s old school outfit. He smiled and parted his lips from my body, leaving me to dangle in his magical grip while he observed my reaction. I fought fruitlessly against his magic, wanting to wrap my lips around his horn again and his lips to meet my bare skin. He saw my desperation and grinned, smirked down at the colt he’d managed to drive almost to his hooves in just one afternoon. I wanted him desperately, but he still didn’t move, and soon I was on the brink of tears. He sat there and observed how I reacted, excited and desperate for relief more than anything else in the world, a small lump under my skirt telling him quite plainly that my body ached for relief. His magic gripped my front hooves and turned me around, to where I was long longer facing him.
I realized with horror that the windows had been open throughout the whole foray, and that I was standing, dressed as a school filly, my stallionhood erect under my clothes, completely exposed to anypony who wanted a look at me. I shook in fear as I thought of the neighbours, what they might think was happening if they just looked over at me, dangling helplessly but begging for attention from Cadenza. I’d look like a servant, something the older stallion was using for his own pleasure, all the while I was just offering myself like a main course. All of the sudden I felt a hoof on my flank, and I yelped loudly, unaccustomed to being touched in such a way.
“P-please… the windows are wide open… anypony could see us. I’m b-begging you Cadenza, at least shut the curtains.” I pleaded, but his hoof began to trace circles on my loins through my silk underwear, using the tip of his hoof to nudge at my tip before, cupping me, them parting my jewels to nudge at the base. I was so red from pure shame my cheeks weren’t my natural purple. “I-I’ll be a good filly for you, I p-promise, but I don’t want somepony to see us like th-this….”
“You say you like being treated as a filly…” Cadenza whispered, his magic snaking up my thigh, eventually seizing a hold of my lingerie. “… but I think it goes so much farther than that.”
He slid the silken elastic down my legs until they were at my hooves, and I was biting my lip out of pure shame. If anypony saw me then I’d burst into tears, but somehow the risk of being seen made it all the more exciting. The demeaning nature of my situation for some reason turned me on even more, and I nearly felt myself ejaculate down my back legs right then. He smiled and lifted my skirt, exposing my taught flanks and young, limber tail, which I willingly raised so that he could feast his eyes on any part of me he wished. He moved the skirt aside in front of me, exposing my young, undeveloped stallionhood to any and all who were looking at us through that bedroom window. I wanted to cry and tell him to do more at the same time, the pure embarrassment singing my dignity and provoking my body even further. He planted my hooves to the floor and I felt a spell cast on my legs, taking all the energy out of standing. I didn’t even have to keep my hooves to the floor; it was as if invisible ropes had bound me around my midsection, and I was dangling in the air in front of him.
“A-are you sure, Cadenza?” I asked, on the verge of succumbing to his seduction, tears forming in the corner of my eyes. . “I’m only thirteen, and my parents will already be so upset about my problem that this will only m-make things worse…”
“I think that you have many, many more problems aside from this little identity crisis.” He cooed into my ear, standing up to his full height. “I think you have a bit of an affinity for abuse as well.”
I moaned and nodded, pushing myself back towards him, wanting him more than my mind could handle. I looked back and made drowned in his beautiful blue irises, staring into his eyes and letting my lips part, my mouth watering so much in anticipation that a bit of my spittle ran down the corner of my mouth, the rivulet dripping from my cheek to the pristinely white floor. He smiled and positioned himself over me, kissing my neck just before biting it with so much force a trickle of blood ran down my nape and carried onto my chest. My only reaction was to whimper and push myself back again, fighting to grip the stallionhood that I wanted desperately to clasp in my nethers. At first I thought he was about to oblige, but before I could so much as exalt his name I saw a blur of movement that was the thrust of his hips, and the world erupted in a plume of multi-coloured agony. I couldn’t tell which way was up and my eyes refused to open, only fluttering a bit, further ruining my ability to rely on my senses. A bit of my own blood dripped down my back leg and began to stain the carpet, the sheer grotesqueness of the red against stark, marble white bringing me back to reality.
The very first thing that I felt was stinging, mortal pain from under my tail, where Cadenza had formally done me the honours of spreading my walls for the first time, as well as tearing open the skin all along my ring. He moaned and thrust hurriedly, and I pushed back on him obediently, knowing he’d want me to further his pleasure. The blood did a good job of freeing up my passage, because not even a few moments later did he moan and fill me with a long, heartfelt orgasm, whispering my name into my ears as he stooped over my far smaller frame, getting in every drop before drawing his long shaft out of me. I whimpered as my bruised, torn ring met the air for the first time after having my virginity taken, and I reached down to touch myself as a small stream of the stallion’s seed ran like a river out of me and onto the carpet, mixed with the blood that still seemed to be flowing forth from my ripped skin. I moaned and stroked my own delicate member, the pain mixing with my pleasure in a bittersweet mixture somewhere near my taint.
I gasped in a high pitched whine and came onto the floor, still suspended midair by Cadenza’s spell, the only thing I could possibly do for support was to curl my hooves and gasp my foalsitter’s name, my tail lifting and begging for treatment from him. He answered my prayers by trailing his hoof down my flank before seizing a strong hold of my member and stroking me , all the while his magic inserted something else into my body through my ring. I moaned and bit my bottom lip, feeling something cold and soothing flow through my entire stomach as he slowly healed me, stroking me and cooing pleasantly how well I’d done. I flicked my tail against him and panted, looking back at my foalsitter with my tongue out of my mouth, like a pet wanting his owner’s attention. He smiled and continued a steady pace, only moving his hoof against my soft, semi-erect member as fast as he healed me. My ring felt better then, and the red liquid that had once run unfettered down my inner thigh was drying to my coat.
I came for a second time, though in a very relaxed manner compared to the first, a small stream of my prepubescent semen flowing out and dripping to the floor pathetically. I closed my eyes and whispered Cadenza’s full name under my breath, feeling as if I could have been there forever, simply moaning and feeling my foalsitter’s soft hooves on my erection. Before I knew it, though, it was over, and he withdrew all of his magic. I landed on the floor, my legs almost failing to bear my meagre weight after all the abuse I’d been through in just a few short minutes. He opened the curtains on the bed, and his horn flashed, cleaning me up in an instant. No more blood stained the inside of my thigh or pooled right in the nape of my neck; every cut and scrape he’d put me through during his feral release had healed up, and my clothes were once again pristinely maintained. I crossed my hooves and looked over at the silk undergarments he’d discarded, which still had an ample amount of my pre lathered onto the front of them. He smiled and gave another meagre flick of his vast magical reserves, causing them to disappear and appear on the nightstand, folded neatly. He nodded for me to follow him as he carefully hopped up onto the mattress, settling in before patting the space in between his outstretched legs.
“Care to take a nap after being such a good little filly?” He asked, opening his wings invitingly. “You did quite well for your first time… you didn’t even scream when I pushed inside. You’ll be a little more flexible in your femininity next time, so you should be able to take me without any sort of nastiness arising like the skin breaking.”
“B-but I thought we were trying to help cure me?” I asked, not knowing if I even wanted to be cured. “That was the whole reason behind that, right?”
He smiled deviously and again churned the air with his wings, inviting me to lie down. “As I said during my… examination, I think this goes far deeper… you might be suffering symptoms of psychological recession, for all I gained from that session. Your… inexperience made it hard to pinpoint exactly what was wrong with you, especially since you kept promising that you’d do whatever I pleased as long as I shut the curtains. Despite that you got much more excited when I brought it up, so… you also willingly offered yourself to me, so that might be severe nymphomania, partnered with instinctive submission instincts. In all, we should call it a day and try again tonight… it’ll be much more…. Conclusive by then what you’re suffering from. Now hop up here, my hooves get cold if I don’t have somepony curled up by them… if you want to be by my hooves, of course.” He smiled, his hoof brushing over his now sheathed member.
I smiled meekly and went where he directed, settling down in the space between his thighs before curling into a ball, my muzzle resting directly next to his large, well-endowed stallionhood. He closed his eyes, tired from his strain and the sudden release at the end. I yawned in accordance with his gestures and nodded, signalling that I was quite ready for a midday snooze as well. I’d closed my eyes and was about to drift off when his member brushed lightly over my lips, and I couldn’t help but plant a kiss on the tip before I fell into a hazy, post-coital nap.
A narrow shaft of light met my eyes from the now closed curtains, dust motes playing in the iridescent beam as I raised my head from my hooves. At first I hadn’t the foggiest what was going on, entranced by the beauty of the room bathed in twilight. The golden sun shone lightly through the curtains, which now covered the windows, washing the normally white domicile in a rustic gold tinge. I blinked, licking my lips to find a certain lingering taste still left for my tongue to find. I couldn’t place it for over half a minute as I laid there, wondering just why I was in my sister’s room, and as I looked down, I questioned why I was in my sister’s old clothes. I was content to lay there for a few moments before sighing, moving to get out of bed. My limbs creaked and protested every movement, and I suddenly remembered why I was in my sister’s bed, and why my lips tasted overwhelmingly of something both salty and sweet at the same time.
The events of the previous day met me with a mixture of peculiar fascination and cold dread. Cadenza wasn’t lying next to me, and no trace that he’d ever been in the room presented itself. I looked around my sister’s old bedroom to find that the only evidence of the events that took place only a few hours ago were the silken lingerie folded neatly on the nightstand. I blinked, attempting to find anything that would suggest that Cadenza was still there. I prayed he hadn’t run off after our tryst as I got out of bed, sliding my back hooves off of the large mattress first. I cursed my shortness as I was forced to make a small hop from the bed to the floor, and did so with a resignation of how young I was. What had happened last night had been… rash, impulsive and not even mentioning illegal considering my physical age. I knew that, if anypony ever found out what Cadenza had done with me, he would be in no end of trouble. He would probably be forced to wipe their memory, and I knew that he wasn’t the stallion to take anything like psychological manipulation lightly. I secretly felt guilty that I had put him in this situation; if I’d only said no to putting on those clothes, he most likely wouldn’t have been as brazen as he was.
I slowly trotted in a small circle around the centre of the room, wondering what I was supposed to do. I’d unintentionally seduced my foalsitter, and he was equally as guilty as I for choosing to do those things to me. I couldn’t help but think of how he’d seduced me, turned me into a willing subject in his hooves. As I thought of his coarse treatment I shivered, waving my tail over my nethers to fan them, growing warmer at the thought of how… exotically feral he’d been, how he’d bit at my neck and controlled almost everything I did throughout our time together. He’d held me, forced my hooves into certain positions, kept me in front of him, and most excitingly he’d coaxed me into not one but two releases, showing no end of devotion. I secretly understood why he’d gone so fast, the reason behind his hurried thrusts and quick release. Shimmer Shield left him almost a year ago, and seeing as how he was making extremely limited progress with their professional lives between them, he’d probably been quite desperate. I couldn’t hold that against the stallion; he’d been my very first, and I couldn’t imagine a more suitable pony to submit my body to.
I blinked and then began to ponder the more difficult questions, my pacing increasing in speed. The more pressing matters were the ones that happened before our abandon, before he’d even walked into the room. I was fine with my secret affinity for filly’s clothing, and I had no problem doing it behind closed doors so long as nopony saw me. It was, on the other hoof, a completely different story whenever others walked into the situation. It had been revealed to me the moment that Cadenza trotted into that room. Although I might try to keep this a secret from my parents, it would most likely be discovered at some point. He’d opened my eyes towards how bad I’d feel, how ashamed I would truly be if anypony were to ever walk in on me while I was in a skirt, standing in front of a mirror, giggling like a foal at how good it felt to be in my element.
I hadn’t noticed until that moment, but due to my pacing I saw a note on Shimmer Shield’s bathroom door. I tilted my head to the side quizzically and picked it up with magic, careful to remove the tape from the handle before I unfolded the short letter. It was in Cadenza’s own personal font, the long, flowing vowels giving away the identity of his writing style.
‘I left you a hot bath; it should help. I understand that I was none too gentle, and if you aren’t sore now you will be later. Please at least soak for a few minutes to loosen up and relax. Meet me downstairs in the library once you’re done. We need to talk about what happened.’
I smiled to myself; this was more of the Cadenza I knew. Now that he’d slated his carnal urges he was back to his normal, empathetic self, and I was sure I could rely on him for a mature conversation later on. I almost knew for certain that the reason for this was to make up for the pain he’d put me through. I would have accepted what he’d done either way, but this made it all the better. I turned the gilded handle to Shimmer’s bathroom and opened it to a cloud of steam, which descended into the room like a cloud. I trotted inside and regarded the foggy washroom, shutting the door behind me with a kick of my back hoof. I made doubly sure to lock it; I knew for a fact that there was no keyhole on the outside handle, so there was no chance for me being interrupted like I had been just a few hours ago. I used my magic to unbutton my shirt, then slip it off and fold it before laying it neatly on the marble countertop, directly next to the sink. My hooves scuffed a bit on the meticulously polished granite tiles before I managed to slip the skirt off. I again folded the article of clothing, then turned to the massive claw-footed bathtub.
The massive porcelain basin was almost Victorian with how old it was, and could easily fit three large, fully grown ponies into it if need be. I struggled to get my head up and over the edge of the gargantuan wall, which was easily a foot taller than I was. I ended up throwing my front hooves up and hauling the rest of my body after it, slipping my back leg up and over the edge before coming gently down into the water. I recoiled, but didn’t jump out as the scalding hot liquid met my hooves, then my calves, then slid up my thighs, leaving a trail of relief everywhere it went. I finally slipped into the bath in earnest when I stood, actually to my full height, in the bathwater. Even though I was standing the water went up to my neck, and yet again I sighed at how very young and fragile my physical being was. I understood that this might have been the perfect amount of water for perhaps Cadenza to bathe in, but my far smaller body was nearly submerged in its entirety. I wasn’t about to complain though, for as I looked around I saw that he’d done me a favour and enchanted the tub itself with a self-heating charm, to keep the bath just as soothingly hot as it was when it was first filled.
As I sat there in the tub I couldn’t help but recall the good old days with my elder sister, when we’d take bathes together, play the same games and even take an interest in the same subjects at the same times. I remembered when the entropic feeling of separation from her had first crept in, when I was just ten and I began to learn how we were different, not just physically. She began to take an interest in the Royal Guard, and even though I had my own thoughts on the matter, she didn’t want to hear them for the first time in her life. I’d morally objected to her being a guard, and so had my father. It simply wasn’t, in a commonly used colloquialism, her lot in life. She insisted though, and both of us eventually gave in. We recalled the many letters we’d gotten home those first few days on patrol, of the things she’d seen and how she couldn’t possibly continue on. I’d been the one to suggest her taking a ranking course, and sure enough she became captain in just a few months. She did well for herself, as we’d known she would, but she’d learned her lesson that she had no stomach for violence.
As I thought of my older sister another strange emotion, one I didn’t often associate with her, crept into my heart. It was jealousy of her success. She’d been the one for a long time, chosen by my parents first, and they never wavered in their doting attention for her even as I withered from their lack of sympathy. I’d faded into shadows as my elder sibling gained everything I couldn’t. She developed a body to make stallions sell their souls for, she made money like nopony could imagine, triumphed in every field she went into, be it math, science, literature or otherwise. She had all the things that I didn’t, and though I was every bit of intelligent as her, if not more, she was the one who received all the credit. I was socially awkward, but just as clever as her, but due to my lack of ability to communicate, coupled with my notorious lack of a will, made it so that nopony even noticed my achievements. So, in the end, most of the time my accomplishments went unnoticed to all but myself. I can’t recall the number of times I did something amazing with magic, my face lit up with excitement as I pulled through after weeks of hard work, just to look around to see that nopony was there to have witnessed it, or even cared enough to come if I’d asked them to. I shook my head and did my best to shrug off such thoughts, turning back to what I’d come into the washroom for.
I went about bathing myself, drawing the soap over my hooves and using the shampoo on my mane and tail, my limbs protesting much less at my movements now that the hot water was loosening the strained muscles. I was washing my flank with a fresh cloth when I accidentally bumped into the area under my tail, the very area Cadenza had so forcefully driven himself into just a few hours before. I gasped and sat down immediately, holding the cloth away from myself and clenching my eyes shut. I had a silent debate with myself about whether it was my masculinity or my newly sensitive femininity that was the most delicate. My ring, as well as the area around it, was now gave me the more stimulation than I could have ever hoped for. I considered it for a moment, then lit my horn again, bringing the cloth down to my nethers with the utmost of hesitation. I was forced to slowly draw the cloth over my loins, in order to not overstimulate myself. It was bliss when I finally finished and rinsed, unable to take any more of the coarse fabric on my nethers.
I finished and relaxed in the bath for a few more minutes, sighing and thinking of what Cadenza would want with me down in the library. I pulled the switch on the drain and got out, slipping on the porcelain a bit before lighting down on the rug outside. I dried myself and hurried back out into the bedroom, eager to see my foalsitter. I nonchalantly trotted over to my sister’s closet again, blinking and wondering just what to wear on that cool summer evening. I knew that I wanted to wear something, especially since it seemed to make Cadenza much more informal around me. I looked outside to see that the sun was casting its last few beams of light down on the earth, and decided that something for bedtime would hardly be considered inappropriate. I sifted through the piles until I found a lavender nightgown, just my size. I smiled and put it on without hesitation, buttoning it in the back with the use of my magic. I’d always wondered how ponies without magic buttoned their clothes, especially considering that their hooves made things difficult. Magic was highly convenient, and it was hardly a wonder that unicorns were the most fashionable ponies, considering they were the ones who could easily take them on and off again.
I pondered that as I tied the strings in the back, the sleeves on the gown reaching only halfway down my upper arm. I smiled and regarded myself in the mirror. The room was now flush with a pale glow as the moon rose in the sky opposite where the sun had set, and a blue incandescence washed the white room in a sapphire tint. I was beginning to notice how the room changed according the times of day, the season, even the weather. It always reflected the nature of how one felt, and it seemed that nature did almost as good a job at inferring the emotional state of the room’s occupants. I noticed that I wasn’t wearing anything beneath the gown as I turned in the mirror, and blushed as I realized that Cadenza would most likely go into much the same state he’d been in a few hours earlier if he caught sight of my supple young flanks. I sorted through the clothes until I found a silken, pale purple pair of lingerie for me to wear. It concealed my nethers but still left a slight outline of my loins, which was to be expected considering they weren’t made for a male.
I lit my horn and repeated the teleportation spell under my breath, picturing the library in my head. With a flash and a shout, I appeared on a desk, sitting atop a quill that Cadenza had just been writing with. I blinked and looked around, realizing that I hadn’t quite reached my target destination. The library was all the way across the house, and it would seem that I only had enough magic to get me just shy of that distance. I blinked and smiled at Cadenza nervously, who only looked back at me with a bemused expression. I hopped down quickly and the prince resumed his writing, clearing away the ink smudge with a bit of his own magic before he continued. I looked around the cluttered library in wonder, just as I always did. For some reason this place always held something different for me, another book I’d never read before or a strange trinket I hadn’t noticed. The green carpet, companied with the tall windows, casting their pale blue light down, made for an equally eerie and comfortable atmosphere. Enchanted candles cast their yellow/gold light down on us as he wrote, setting the whole library in a strange, brass-coloured relief.
I looked down the nearly endless rows of shelves before looking back to Cadenza, who was finishing whatever he was writing. He summoned a vial of hot wax and folded the letter before pouring the liquid over, then stamping it with his personal crest and Cutie Mark. It vanished with a flash and he sighed, rubbing the bridge of his muzzle with a hoof before turning to me, his eyes seemingly restless.
“You are undoubtedly the bane of my existence, you know that?” He said in a tired manner, but with a teasing half-smile. “I never knew I could ever feel things like that for a colt so… young. I must apologize that I… lost my composure when I saw you in Shimmer’s old school dress. That was actually the very dress she met me in, and I remember it to this day. You just looked so… mature, attractive in those clothes that the bits and pieces of appeal you have just came together.” He said, running his hoof over the edge of the dusty writing desk. “I liked you before, and even grew a bit excited once when I saw you fresh from the shower, but… nothing like that.”
“I’m sorry I made you lost control like that.” I apologized, knowing that nothing scared an alicorn more than losing their calm, stoic composure. “If it makes you feel any better I won’t hold it against you, the way you… didn’t hold back.”
“Are you referring to my lack of endurance?” He asked, arching a brow questioningly. “I must apologize for that as well… I wasn’t the most steady in my proceedings. Me and Shimmer Shield haven’t been together in so long that I was quite eager for a bit of relief. The tension just keeps building until you satisfy it… of course you can seek company in yourself, but that only holds it back for so long. I needed somepony, and when I saw you in that dress I couldn’t stop myself…”
“I don’t blame you, Cadenza.” I repeated, nodding understandingly. “Besides… I can’t pretend like I didn’t enjoy it. You were amazing, the way you used your hooves on me…” I faded off, blushing.
After a brief silence he waved a hoof, as if dispelling the air of the topic in order to move onto another. “All of that is behind us, and is hardly the biggest problem in this situation. The first thing we must decide is how you’re going to deal with this identity problem of yours.”
“I thought you were working on a way to cure me?” I asked, looking up at him in my confusion.
He chuckled, shaking his head. “Oh, Dusk… there is nothing that I could possibly do to help that. There isn’t a thing up my sleeve that is within my realm of morality that will convince you to stop being the way you are. You see, Dusk… the thing you suffer from can’t be ‘cured’. It can either be lived with, or repressed. You can choose to accept it or not, and to what extent.”
“S-so there’s nothing I can do?”
“No… you can either accept your nature, or deny your true feelings. You can choose, however, to take it in stride. You can also decide whom you confide this in, and if you want to keep this a secret or not. You mentioned your parents before… during our little escapade. I’ve noticed things about you since I first started watching you two years ago, things that I’ve seen them attempt to correct about you. I’ve heard from Shimmer Shield about your nature, and how you seem to like being yourself, but your parents are more than content to ignore you and censor your personality. What I ask of you now, since we know definitively that you do in fact like dressing and acting this way, is whether you want to tell them or not.”
I shook my head vehemently, not wanting my parents to know anything about any of this. They could never know anything about the last twelve hours, not a single grain of truth could be left in for them to find and measure. Neither of them could ever know what happened, or I’d be as good as dead.
He tapped his hoof on the desk, as if thinking. He brightened, then muttered something to himself before addressing me again. “I suggest you at least tell them a half-truth. Give them something small to deal with before you let forth the dam of secrets you’ve always kept about yourself. Firstly, you need to tell them about how you feel about Shimmer Shield.”
I flattened my ears to my head and perked it to the side, wondering what he was talking about. The exact nature of what he’d just said dawned on me and I blinked, my eyes widening. I’d always known that my parents preferred my elder sister, that they spent all their time and attention on their perfect first child. I hadn’t known that Shimmer had been aware of them neglecting me, though. With this new information that Cadenza knew of my parents neglect, I knew that she had told him about how my mother and father treated me. She knew that their treatment was unfair, and had even confided that knowledge in Cadenza.
“That should be your first step. “The prince said, nodding his head. “The next measure that should be taken should be for you to tell them of your identity as a pony, and how you feel more like a mare inside than a stallion. That… will be the tricky one.”
“I can’t do that!” I protested, unable to think of their reaction. “They would never let me see the light of day again if they figured out that I went against them. They’ve told me before not to do these things, and every time it’s gotten worse. My dad slapped me the first time I did it… the next time my mother threatened to have me sent away to a boarding school, where anything we owned and everything we did would be monitored, and one hoof out of line meant a week of work without seeing anypony. The third time they… they locked me into my room for almost a month. I couldn’t get out, and nopony could come in. Only they went in once a day to check on me. I had no books, nothing to write with, nothing to occupy my time but stare out the window. Shimmer Shield snuck me a journal and an inkwell, but I burnt through that pretty quickly. I can’t imagine what their reaction would be if they realized that I did again, went directly against their orders for the fourth time. “
“That’s why I’ll be there.” He said, holding a hoof to his chest. “I will, and the letter I sent to Solaris for advice states that you are just now coming to terms with yourself. He will be along in a few days to visit you, seeing as how you’re one of his favourite students. If luck is with us then he will undoubtedly be there for you at the end of the summer when you finally come out to your parents.”
I slumped my shoulders; that might help me right then and there, since they wouldn’t be able to physical strike me in front of the two princes, but how much would they resent me afterwards for defying them? They would feel alienated, because they wouldn’t be in control of the situation, not to mention they would hate me afterwards for not only going against them but also forcing them to listen to me. They didn’t want to hear what I had to say; they wanted a convenient mute button they could hit every time I did something they didn’t agree with. They wanted to sweep their estranged son under the carpet until I moved away and wasn’t associated with them anymore. In a nutshell they didn’t feel the need to hear anything I said, and forcing them to listen would only deepen their disdain for my existence. My father would listen to an extent, but grow enraged towards me as I confessed that I went against him. My mother, on the other hoof, would be in a rage immediately that I was discussing the personality quirks that she condemned, and would flat-out refuse to accept anything I was saying.
“Okay… but you couldn’t just leave afterwards, Cadenza.” I insisted. “You’d need to make sure they don’t do something… awful.” I put a lot of emphasis on that word. “They want more than anything to just pretend I don’t exist and then shoo me out the door once I’m of age, even though this is my house too. You’d need to make sure that once all is said and done you follow up, otherwise they’ll pretend like it’s just another incursion on their rules and punish me the moment your back is turned.”
“Good, then we have a course of action there.” He smiled, nodding and summoning a massive, high-backed and extra-wide chair for him to sit in. After he was seated comfortably he began anew, changing the subject yet again. “Now that we have a general idea of what we’ll do at summer’s end, we need to focus on what we’re going to do about this… previously unforeseen bond we have. Let’s focus on the easier task first… obviously we can’t let your parents know about this or I’d be forced to go on damage control for at least a decade. I do think that somepony should know, though, that way they can mediate the situation. If only the two ponies know of each other’s affections for one another, things could get out of hoof, and we could lose track of ourselves in this house, all by ourselves. Now, Solaris knows, but obviously when it comes right down to it his judgement hardly counts in a relationship such as ours, when he comes from an age where princes had very young servants they treated as their personal toys all the time. I… think we should tell Shimmer Shield. Me and her go back, and I think that she will most likely be the one to sort out the situation. She always acts in your best interest, and in the end it isn’t my opinion that matters. It’s yours.”
“But she might make sure I never see you again, Cadenza.” I countered, trotting up to him and laying my head on the edge of the chair cushion he sat upon. He looked down at me with sympathy and smiled, knowing the words he would speak next would most likely have me in tears.
“Well… maybe that’s a good thing… maybe I’m monster for doing those things to you.”
“You’re not a monster, you’re my foalsitter, and I love you.” I insisted, seeing his face turn to surprise as I professed my affection for him. “I don’t want her to take me away from you, not after what happened. You’re helping me find myself, and for that I will always reserve a spot for you right next to me, no matter where I am. Besides that, those things you did to me and the things you made me feel… those were… I don’t know how to explain it. It’s like that feeling of vulnerability, seeing me that way and acting as I did, those emotions feel sacred to me now. Like it’s special, this guilty pleasure of ours…”
“You feel like this is a taboo that feels too good to not be broken, now that you’ve done it once.” Cadenza solidified my emotions into a sentence, and he shook his head. “I’ll tell her to take a break and come here for a day or two… whether we tell her or not, we’ll see.”
I smiled and all of the sudden he picked me up with his magic, levitating me by the ends of my hooves up onto his lap. I smiled and looked into his eyes, loving every moment of staring into those deep pools of sapphire. He didn’t seem to mind that I was on his lap, and that I laid down across the chair to where my head rested on one armrest, and my back hooves rested on the other. I was about to say something about how much I wanted to stay like this, forever. In that moment I wanted to sit there and experience his warmth, his undeniable aura of calm until I was forced to move. Nothing could tear me from him, and nothing could possibly disturb us.
“There’s… one last thing I want to talk to you about, Dusk.” Cadenza said, his hoof reaching out to pet my mane. “Those things I did to you, to explore how you’d react and get a handle on who you were… do you want me to do those things again?”
I rolled over and faced him, my eyes sparkling brilliantly at the mentioning of doing that beautiful, immeasurably intimate activity with him. I felt myself get hot under my tail all of the sudden, and my diminutive stallionhood stiffened a bit in preparation. He pet my mane lovingly, even running a tentative hoof over my ears and once brushing over the base of my horn before I finally replied, with slightly bated breath.
“Absolutely.” I said, nodding. “I… can’t imagine anything I’d want to do more…”
I don’t know why, but abruptly he stopped petting me and leaned down to look directly into my eyes, our muzzles not even an inch apart. “I want your word, that no matter what we do, no matter how depraved this gets, you will tell nopony about this, and that you chose to let this continue. I will do my best to explore every corner of your psyche through any means possible… but you have to let me do as I wish with you. Do you understand, Dusk?”
I didn’t hesitate to nod, knowing he’d never do anything to me that I wasn’t comfortable with. Or so I thought at the time. His face split into a wide smile and all of the sudden he picked me up again, setting me directly in between his legs this time. I tilted my head to one side, wondering just what he was asking me to do. He merely looked down at himself, and all of the sudden I realized why he’d put me in such a position. I smiled and turned my attention away from his face, and down towards his stallionhood, which sat in its sheath, firm but not quite erect. I blinked, as it was the first time I’d been able to see it in earnest, and admittedly it seemed strangely smaller than it had been a few hours ago, when it had been inside of me. The stallion reached out with a hoof and placed it on the very end of his sheathed pride, inviting me to touch it myself. I’d never seen another male before, and as I reached out with a hoof I couldn’t help but stare in awe as I saw his fully erect member for the first time, glistening lightly and smelling greatly of sexual musk. He gave it a stroke to make sure it was nice and firm, the pale pink love throbbing with every beat of his heart.
I didn’t know what to do at first, so I merely inferred based on what he’d done to me during our intimate affairs. I reached out and touched it on the shaft, right next to his mid-ring, and ran my hoof down it, a small amount of moisture clinging to my hoof. It was moist and damp, the smooth skin almost like wet rubber in texture as I felt his endowment. I looked up at him and blinked, wondering if I had further permission to touch him. He nodded and I bent over, as slowly as possible, to plant a kiss on his crown. He stiffened and his member twitched, a small, perfectly spherical pearl of his precum growing on his tip. I stared at it with fascination for easily half a minute, unable to take my eyes off of the hypnotically white orb of his seed. He chuckled a bit, the movement causing the pearl to break and begin to flow down his shaft. I instinctively leaned forwards and drew my tongue over the rivulet of pre, collecting it on my tongue and marvelling at the salty, yet somehow sweet taste. I knew I wanted more of it, and suddenly got a clever idea.
I smiled and leaned over as far as my extremely flexible young body would allow, my muzzle now an inch from his taint. He looked down at me questioningly, but didn’t protest as I put my plan into motion. I nuzzled his sack lovingly, the tip of my nose finding its way past his perfectly smooth orbs and rubbing graciously against his base. He gasped and a bit more of his pre leaked out, gripping the back of my head with sudden force. I smiled and let him put as much pressure as he wanted the extremely delicate, oft forgotten part of a stallion. Once there was a small dribble coming down I stopped my nuzzling and brought my lips up to his tip, fastening them to the end of his member, sucking every drop I could out of him before releasing with a loud, wet pop. A bit of his seed still attached him to my lips, and I couldn’t help but wonder if he could possibly be coaxed into giving me more. I opened wide and put as much of him in my mouth as I could handle, which was only the first four inches or so, and began to suckle. He moaned as I flicked my tongue over his tip, petting my mane.
“D-Dusk… how are you so good at this?” Cadenza breathed, his hot exhalation moving the loose strands of my mane. “Your tongue is so…” His voice was lost in a moan as I pushed his crown a bit farther back into my mouth, as far as it could go without gagging me.
I stroked what part of him I couldn’t fit inside of me, using my hoof to caress his base and mouth to firmly suck out every bit of seed he gave me. It wouldn’t be long before he went off; I could already feel a slight recession in his sack, his orbs pulling closer in preparation for his climax. I moaned and stroked more zealously, putting as much force into my hooves as possible, knowing my weak body could only produce a moderate amount of pressure on his far larger frame. He gasped, trying not to put his hoof on the back of my head, but losing the battle as he grew closer to the end of the round. I was dipping my head down on what small amount of him I could take in, stroking what I couldn’t and drawing my tongue around his crown lovingly. Against my will and his better judgement, he grabbed the back of my head and pushed me down onto his member, spearheading his shaft down my throat.
I remained perfectly still as he moaned, his climax having nearly arrived. I could feel his crown flaring somewhere deep inside me, down my throat and in my chest. I couldn’t breathe, but knew it would be best not to struggle. If I wasted energy I’d run out of air, or I’d gag on his massive stallionhood just to throw up his seed and my breakfast all over the library carpet. Instead I shifted my head back on his shaft, putting my hooves around his waist as I hilted him inside me. He was shaking as he moved his hips to meet me, then withdrew, only to repeat the cycle again. At last I felt his member growing, twitching in just the way I knew it did right before he had an orgasm. Having him inside of me was the strangest thing I could imagine; it was pleasurable in the respect that it made me feel full and filled me with that delightfully addictive taste, but discomforting in the sense that I felt like my oesophagus couldn’t handle his massive shaft, which slid down my throat six more times before, finally, he was ready for release.
He pulled out enough for me to get in a good lungful of air before he hilted himself, breathing my name and petting my mane as I lovingly stroked the bottom of his shaft with my tongue, feeling his member swell with his seed right before I felt my core fill with the hot, sticky substance. He pulled me off him a bit, giving small thrusts into me as he coaxed every drop of the molten liquid into my stomach. I swallowed everything, save for a single drop I let escape down my lip and run down my chin, which then fell onto the chair. Once he’d emptied himself he withdrew his hoof from behind my head, letting me pull up off of him and suck in precious oxygen. I felt the aftertaste lingering in my mouth as he panted, his wings outstretched and twitching in ecstasy. I took advantage of his blissful afterglow and stroked his now glistening member a few more times, licking at his tip for the last few drops of his semen he gave me. I relished those final drops, licking my lips and rolling my tongue over every inch of my mouth for any hidden reservoirs of the thick, sweet syrup I was now addicted to.
“Did I do well?” I asked innocently, wanting nothing more than for him to be happy.
“Y-you did more than I could have imagined…” He panted, staring up at the ceiling of the library in his euphoria. “I don’t think I could ever go back to anypony after that… that was heaven, Dusk.”
I smiled and clapped my hooves together, hopping up to wrap my hooves around his neck. He accepted my embrace, but with it I suddenly became aware of my own minuscule member nudging against him through my nightgown. He arched a brow and I looked away timidly, unable to look at him with my own pathetically small stallionhood when his was so much larger and thicker. He lifted a hoof to my lips, as I was about to protest him, and motioned for me to turn around. I did as he directed, not knowing just what he was trying to do. I turned a much deeper shade of scarlet as I felt his magic trail up my inner thigh, then began to stroke and nudge at my nethers through my lingerie. I gasped in a high, effeminate tone as he proceeded to work at me, at the same time lifting up my gown so he could feast his eyes on my young, supple flanks. He kept his strokes even as his magic wrapped around every one of my meagre five inches and rubbed them softly. I whimpered as a wet spot grew on my silken underwear where my pre was leaking from my tip. He was doing his best to excite me, and he was doing an amazing job.
With a gentle caress of my flank he slipped the lingerie down my hooves, discarding them as I lifted a leg for him to take them fully off. He cast another spell and a strange sensation built inside of me, right inside my canal where he’d taken my just a half-day before. Even my ring felt as if he was setting it on pins and needles at the strange effect of his sorcery. I didn’t know what he was doing, but I got a much better idea of his intentions when I suddenly felt his tongue on my taint. I gasped again and lifted one of my back legs, wondering if I could possible do a split between the arms of the chair in order to give him the most access to me. I settled with spreading my legs as far apart as they would go, biting my bottom lip as my loins were caressed by the stallion. Soon his tongue ran north and found my ring; I was forced to muffle my scream of mixed pain and pleasure in his thigh, when he bit down on the soft flesh near my entrance, tenderizing it for later use. My whole body shook as his tongue traced the circumference of my ring, nipping at it every once and a while to loosen it up.
Just as I was about to go off he put a hoof on my shoulder and leaned me back, towards his waiting member. I screwed up my eyes as he pushed me down onto his girth, and let out what started as a whimper, then grew to a loud scream as he slipped inside of me. I panted desperately, trying to get used to having his massive girth spreading my walls. I wasn’t bleeding, so that was good, but it felt as if he was ripping me apart from under my tail. My internal walls strained to take him as he kept pushing me down, his hooves on my waist so he could direct more of his long shaft inside of me. He grunted with how much force it took to spread my unbelievably tight walls, and I let off a squeak of pain every time he forced another half an inch inside of me. All of the sudden he stopped, and I felt him reach as far as he could possibly go inside of me. I looked back at him and shook my head, knowing exactly what he wanted of me. He wanted me to hilt him, and my anatomy just didn’t have the available space. His horn flashed and I gasped as I felt organs and tendons moving, my canal expanding a bit as he forced the rest of it in. After a few moments of intense arcane alteration, I then had enough space to accommodate every single inch of him.
I panted heavily, exhausted from how much effort it had taken just for him to work his way inside of me. The first time he hadn’t been this gracious, and I knew he could have simply impaled me the same way he’d done before, and I had that to be thankful for. His horn flashed and something cool and slick filled me, something I’d never felt before in my life. He smiled as he drew out, a strange, viscous lubricant coating my walls and every inch of his member. I moaned and pulled farther off of him, right before my back legs ran out of strength and I let myself fall back to his hilt, every ounce of energy spent. I relished the way he slid around easily inside of me, but I still gripped him tightly enough that it gave me ample amounts of friction on my prostate. He smiled and lit his horn, lending me some of his strength so I could continue. I nodded and began to slowly rise and fall on his shaft, gasping and panting like a mare in heat as I shifted myself off of him, just to drive him into me up to his hilt again.
Soon I was meeting him with loud, moist slaps, and he was gasping and moaning along with me. I wasn’t getting enough friction to get me off, so I increased my pace, hurrying my orgasm along so that I could perhaps get to look at him during his own. My tongue trailed out of my mouth in an attempt to get past the intense exercise this was, how hard it worked my body to keep rising and falling on his stallionhood with such intensity. My ring clutched at him with so much force that slick drops of lubricant built up on his sack, and he began to moan loudly as my inner ring met his crown. I was now skilled enough to pull up off him almost to where his head left my body, then push him back inside of me with as much speed and intensity as I could manage. I was panting so loudly and breathing so hard I didn’t notice the line of my saliva dripping off the tip of my tongue and onto the floor, my eyes half shut in ecstatic abandon. I was almost there, and by the way his member kept twitching inside of me, he was as well. I heard him counting the thrusts he gave me, each number growing closer to the one on which we both came.
I cried out his name and hilted him, twisting my hips and thus twisting his member around inside of me as my walls spasmed, gripped him so tightly he gave a final gasp and fell into the same pre-orgasm limbo. I gave a few meagre thrusts down onto him before a jet of my seed flew out of my diminutive stallionhood and coated the chair in front of me, as well as sending a few drops out onto the floor. I whispered his name as he whispered my own, feeling sudden spikes in pressure from how forcefully his cock was twitching inside of me, filling me with more of his love than he’d given me from my oral treatment. He gave a few more thrusts before lifting me up with is magic, pulling me off his cock with a slick scrape of wet skin being drawn across moist flesh. I moaned as he set me down on the floor, feeling thick and bloated with his load still resting inside of me. I pawed at the edge of the chair desperately, needing to get the liquid inside of me out. I held it in by sheer force of will, but the pressure was mounting and it was becoming unbearable as he smiled down at me.
“C-Cadenza, c-can I please be excused to relieve myself?” I asked, holding my rump in the air pathetically. “You filled me a lot more than can handle right now and I r-really need to-”
“No, Dusk. You do not have my permission.” He stated, his eyes flicking towards my loins, which I still held high in an attempt to help keep his love inside of me and not coating the library floor. “I cleared your digestive tract of excrement before we started… you can relieve yourself right here, in front of me.”
I bit my bottom lip at how demeaning he was being, my legs shaking. I couldn’t just let our creample flow down my legs right there in the library, it was too embarrassing. Still he smiled and nodded, telling me that I had little other option. I blinked and felt myself flush a shade of red to be envied by roses, and with that I let myself relax. Thick helpings of his cum ran down my thighs, mingled with the lubricant to make an almost paste-like liquid that slowly slid down my legs, dripping off the end of my member in massive splashes, coating the floor in his seed. He grinned and stroked himself a few more times, relishing the sight of my prostrated before him, humiliating myself at his command.
“There’s a good filly…” He cooed, his horn lighting and magically petting my mane from a distance. “You should be proud to display yourself like this, Dusk. You should feel overjoyed that you can show just how honoured you are to be my lover.”
I nodded obediently, and with a flash the mess that had coated me just a moment before was gone. As always the prince had made sure to clean up after us, and once again my flanks, ring and even my femininity felt just as fresh and ready for him as it had been before we’d started. He smiled and lifted me up with his magic, levitating my small, helpless form over to him and laying me down across his lap. I looked up at him and gave a humbled smile, knowing he would undoubtedly be tired after all of that. Defying my expectations of him yet again, he simply smiled and began to talk again, as coolly as if our frenzied rounds of sex and my embarrassing show of dedication at the end had never even happened.
“There is a reason that I’ve been… indulging in you, Dusk, at least more than I would have.” He mused, running a hoof over my waistline with a smile. “When Shimmer Shield arrives, I fully expect her judgement to say that this is wrong, and that she will want us separated. I want to push the limits while I still have an opportunity to. That at the end was a… test of your devotion to me. Seeing as how you did it, I think I’ll wake you up to breakfast in bed tomorrow. How does that sound?”
“That sounds amazing.” I yawned, looking up at him from my position on his lap. He traced a hoof around my navel, and I couldn’t help but return his silly grin. “It actually felt really… exciting to do something like that for you. It was shameful, but… it made me feel more loyal to you, to be doing as you commanded. Does that make sense?”
His expression shifted to curiosity at my confession, and his hoof traced lower, until it found my sheath. I bit my bottom lip and flushed lightly as he traced circles around that instead, until my ears were flattened to my head and I was shivering in an attempt to ignore the stimulation. I felt him stiffen a bit at my sudden coyness, and he lifted is hoof from my member, knowing I couldn’t possibly go another round. I was exhausted, and my limbs felt as if I’d run a marathon. I let myself drift off again as he pet my mane, wondering what I would do when Shimmer Shield arrived in a few days. Not to mention what I’d do about Solaris, when he arrived and picked over every bit of my mind for information relating to my behaviour. I knew that in the end me and Cadenza would almost certainly be torn from one another for our supposedly ‘unhealthy’ relationship, but right then I couldn’t help but feel as if I loved him more than anypony else in the world. I closed my eyes and rested my cheek against his soft coat, nuzzling his leg a bit before drifting off in yet another exhausted haze, floating a bit between consciousness and sleep just long enough to hear Cadenza whisper to himself.
“I’m glad you liked that display at the end… that means you like humiliation. That will serve us well later on…”
I didn’t know what that meant, and my mind didn’t have the energy to interpret it as I drifted off to sleep.
Author's Note
This chapter might be a bit rough, seeing as how certain ponies were pressing me to hurry up.
Elucidation
I woke with a groan, the rising sun filtering through a narrow crack in the curtains and lighting down on my eyes. I was yet again in my older sister’s room, the cavernous space burnt into an auburn cast from the pinkish/red light coming from the window. The room was peculiarly silent, the only sound that met my ears being the tired ticking of the clock on the wall. Cadenza was nowhere to be seen, and despite having promised me breakfast in bed last night not a single scrap of food was to be found. Either he’d forgotten, or he’d been quite busy after I’d passed out in his lap. I blinked and attempted to move, but a shot of soreness shook my limbs, holding me in place. I could hardly move without a creaking shaking my entire body, especially in the crooks of my legs. My extremities howled from last night, and the area under my tail felt as if the slightest wind would bring me to the brink of shock. My entire body felt delicate, overused and sensitive from the previous night’s lustful foray. Despite that, I cast a spell on myself to numb my near arthritically stricken legs and hopped out of bed, wondering where my foalsitter had wandered off to in the wee hours of the morning.
I didn’t have to look far to find out where he’d gone, seeing as how he almost always left me notes whenever he had something important to tell me. Attached to the nightstand was a neatly written note, explaining how he’d gone out to meet with Solaris. In the manuscript it explained that he might be gone for two days before he could return, and that he’d left me a few of his old books down in the library if I got bored. I folded it in half and sighed, wondering how I’d ever be able to occupy my time after yesterday. How could ponies stand leaving their houses when they had a perfectly good lover, there to dote on them and satisfy their every need? I found myself facing a related conundrum, seeing as how the stallion, who had become my sun and moon, was now absent. It was almost like coming home to find yourself without electricity, or running water. A massive piece of my life was now gone, and I had to adapt to this new vacancy in my schedule. I idly trotted over to the door, my nightgown still on. I couldn’t help but wonder if he’d let me in his room, if only to feel closer to him.
I made a straight shot down the hall, over the catwalk in the entrance hall and into the opposite hallway. My parents’ room lay to my left, and my father’s study one door down from that. To my right was the guest bedroom, or Cadenza’s residence at the time. I turned the knob and trotted into my foalsitter’s abode, looking around to see that he’d made himself plenty at home. He’d turned the walls to a bright blue colour, obviously in remembrance of his past relationship with Shimmer Shield. I secretly couldn’t help but wonder how my older sister would react to our trysts, even now. I knew it was already written in stone that I would have to confront her about my rather sexual endeavours with Cadenza, but despite the inevitability of that situation I still felt my stomach churning whenever I thought about it. My sister was a very tolerant mare, but when she put her hoof down the rafters were known to shake with how furious she became.
I shook the thought away as I trotted further into the room, jumping up onto the bed to find a peculiarly shaped necklace, a ruby set in silver. At first I thought that maybe it was a gift for me, or Shimmer Shield, but I soon recognized it to be neither. I lit my horn and pulled it up to me, seeing that it had a bright red light pulsing at its centre. I immediately recognized the trinket as a memory reservoir, a device that forgetful sorcerers used to remember specific events or perhaps relive segments of their past. I smiled and wondered what Cadenza had to be nostalgic about, curious as to what I’d see if I reached out and touched my hoof to the bright red gemstone. I looked around, knowing that Cadenza wouldn’t be around to gripe at me for going through his things. Resigned that I wouldn’t get caught, I dropped the gem into my hoof.
Cadenza’s Perspective
Rain pounded heavily at the windowsill, splashing onto the granite from the gutters high above. One was broken, thus emptying its contents directly outside my bedchamber. I repetitiously tapped my pen against the desk, my eyes focused on the text as I read ‘Potent Portents: a Guide to Mind-Altering Spells and Potions. The harsh marble floor reverberated with the irksome sound. Despite that, I kept drumming my pen against the desk, determined to memorize the chapter surrounding voluntary memory loss spells. It was more of a personal assignment to pass the time than official business, but it eased the pain of endless billing reports, assignments and pointless filing rearrangements. Not mentioning the true source of my near workaholic behaviour.
Shimmer Shield couldn’t have been more intolerant of my proposal. Even though I’d asked her very kindly, and I’d even written quite a few letters to her explaining that it wasn’t anything to be ashamed of, she refused to accept an emerging fascination I had. I’d done my best to let it down lightly, address it in as casual a manner as possible, but she still refused to hear a word of it. I had a strange hankering for foals, and when I’d asked her if… maybe, one of us could transform into one for just a little while… she had a fit to rival that of a dragoness. Of course I’d dropped it, refused to address it for a while, but still she persisted in telling me how disgusting the idea was. She more than made her point, and even then she persisted in her efforts to punish me. We didn’t sleep in the same bed for weeks, and soon she began to go out during her days off, instead of spending the day with me. Then… one day, she left me a note saying that she was going to live in the guard barracks instead of with me in my tower.
I blinked and dove back into memorizing the passage, trying to shake off the ice that crept into my heart whenever I thought of that agonizing moment. How her face had changed from happy and loving to mortified in less than a second. I missed her more than anything else, and working my loneliness away was all I had to do. I’d talked to Solaris, and he’d helped to a degree… at least I wasn’t drowning my loss in wine like Lune did whenever somepony rejected him. That truly had to be the saddest sight, the lunar prince lying in his bed, hiccupping and wallowing in misery over how so many were still terrified at the sight of him. I very well might have ended up that way, if I’d continued to think of Shimmer Shield day and night. I sighed and picked up the book, trotting over to the door. I needed more to occupy my mind, and walking and reading at the same time did a good job of keeping myself fully aware, not wandering off down memory lane.
I trotted off down the corridor, not particularly worried about running into anything considering how very wide the halls were in the palace. Most of the times the corridors spanned a monumental seventy feet across and only narrowed to thirty at their very slimmest. The cleaning ponies did an amazing job of keeping the halls clean of debris, so I needed only focus on walking across the bright marble floor of the castle. My hooves clacked as I walked and read, still occasionally catching myself drifting back to an unrelated subject. I quickened my pace, hoping the swift stride would further occupy the empty spaces in my head. Idle thoughts still drifted to a fro in my psyche, but to a far lesser degree. The high, arched windows let in blisteringly red rays of light, leftover from the sunset taking place outside. The day was coming to an end for most of the castle’s residents, but not for us alicorns. We needn’t sleep, and when we did it was out of mental exhaustion more than physical necessity.
I myself felt small in the massive corridor, and couldn’t help but wonder how hopeless I was. Honestly, I couldn’t help but acknowledge that Shimmer Shield had been right, at least to a degree. What I’d suggested wasn’t terrible, nor was it amoral in any way. The implications of me enjoying foals as I did, though, struck much more worrisome chords. In general my unhealthy fascination with the young ponies meant that if I couldn’t find an adult pony, with an adult mind, to be a foal for me, then that meant that I’d find a real colt or filly. It worried me, and I personally couldn’t help but feel sickened with myself. The thought of turning out to be a paedophilic creep scared me… maybe I was suffering from a terrible mental sickness. I honestly didn’t want to be that pony, but the way a foal moved just couldn’t be mimicked. I shook my head to try and focus again, but my mind was already blazing a trail away from the hallway I trotted in and down a much darker path. How sometimes, when I was alone, I’d like to imagine waking up to a filly maiden, eager to heed any command I gave her. How I liked to dream of brushing a lock behind that filly’s ear and smiling at how innocent and delightful she was, not tainted by the terrible thoughts adults were plagued with. How she would be cordial and have a great personality, just like any adult, but with the wonderfully supple young body of a foal.
I slammed the book shut and teleported it away, biting my lip until the skin broke and I tasted rust. Shimmer Shield hated me because of this, and it had ended the best relationship I’d ever had. Still I found it plaguing every waking moment, telling me how this wasn’t right, and how I ought to seek professional help before I did something awful. Still I insisted on my own innocence, thinking it was merely a passing fantasy that would fade in a few weeks. At long last sun set, and as if on cue the torches lit with a roar, filling the corridor with blinding light. The flames were an almost pure, crystalline white, and shone in a way that made shadows almost non-existent. I sighed and kept trotting, wanting to go until my limbs hurt. Thankfully pain seemed to take my mind off of the topic. I continued until I reached a junction between four corridors, each leading to a respective wing of the castle. Where the four halls met stood a monolithic rotunda and garden, complete with a large fountain standing in its centre. The ceiling was hundreds of feet above, and the whole complex was almost a thousand feet in diameter.
I trotted up to the fountain and took a seat on a bench, wondering if I should talk to a psychiatrist. Perhaps get somepony to listen to this strange fantasy of mine before it was too late, and I’d already let myself travel down a road I could never come back from. Not even my position as a prince could save me if I somepony discovered my secret. I buried my head in my hooves, pondering the worth of taking a long vacation to somewhere a bit less stressful. Maybe disguise myself as a peasant and go to Cloudsdale. They always had the most wonderful parties, just the right thing to take my mind off the morbid affair.
“Excuse me, mis’er?” A high, lilting voice chirped. “Are ye’ lost?”
I lifted my head to see a filly, about twelve years of age with a bright blue dress adorning her sleek figure. Her mane was a bright aquamarine that curling at the ends, and her meticulously groomed coat seemed an eggshell colour in the dim lighting. She had her head tilted to the side, regarding me almost as curiously as one would a bug found under a stone. I smiled and stood, letting her see my wings. The filly’s eyes lit up at them, and she glanced back at her own dainty, fluffy plumage as if for a comparison. I saw it dawn on her who I was, and she dropped into a hasty bow when she realized who she was addressing.
“So ve’y sorry, mis’er Prince Cadenza sir.” She apologized. “Didn’ realize who ye’ were.”
“It’s fine, dear…” I comforted, sitting back down on the bench. “It’s actually nice to see that not everypony recognizes me on sight. So many formalities and such, you can imagine how it gets tedious.”
The filly jumped up onto the bench next to me, seemingly awestruck at conversing with somepony of my stature. Her face was lit up, doe-eyed as she memorized everything I said. I could imagine her in just a few days, telling all her friends in school how she’d met the great prince Cadenza. I found her accent curious, how she always omitted pronouncing her ‘t’s and ‘r’s. She struck me as distinctly Cockney, but her lilt spoke of an almost Irish background. I narrowed it down to that general geographic area and figured that it was specific enough. All I needed to know is that she wasn’t from Equestria.
“So… why are you wandering around here, Miss…” I trailed off, implying that she should finish my sentence for me.
“Reed. M’name’s Fall Reed, mis’er Cadenza sir.” She answered quickly, her excitement showing quite plainly with how hurried her responses were.
“Well, Miss Reed, why is a young filly like yourself wandering around Canterlot Castle at night, without any supervision?” I inquired, looking down at the slightly less exuberant filly.
She seemed to wilt a bit as I asked her, putting a hoof behind her head as she replied. “Well… me mum, she works as a guard ‘ere, so I come along some’imes and… other times I like to wander off and ‘ave me own adventures, y’know?”
“Sounds quite exciting.” I chuckled, reaching out and tousling her mane with a hoof. “I remember how amazing this place seemed when I was young… so many little nooks and crannies to explore, hidden rooms abound and more dim guards to prank than I could count. Those were the days…”
“Wanna help me?! She brightened, leaping to her hooves. “Ye’ can show me some of the hidden rooms, an’ passages an’ treasure!” Fall Reed giggled with excitement, her happiness bubbling over. “Pre’y please, mis’er Cadenza? I won’ tell a soul, I swear!”
I sighed and wondered if it was the responsible thing to do, knowing her mother would most likely be worried about her. I conjured a piece of parchment and quill, writing a quick note to the filly’s mother to let her know that she was safe with me. I cast the spell for the note to find its recipient and stood, smiling back at the filly. She hopped down next to me and pushed her head up against my leg, gratefully headbutting my shin in a playful display of gratitude. I did my best to ignore the physical contact, not wanting to get too attached to her. Especially given my predisposition to get a bit too fond of foals. I began to trot down the West Corridor, the filly following close next to me. She stood quite close, closer than I was comfortable with. Sometimes her shoulder would bump mine and I’d shiver, not wanting her to grow too accustomed to me. My plan was simply to show her a few of the more notable secrets of the castle, then immediately send her on her way with her mother. It wouldn’t take long, considering they were all in close proximity to each other.
“Say, mis’er Cadenza, why’re ye’ helpin’ me?” Fall Reed asked curiously. “You’re suppose’ to be the authori’y figure, so why would ye’ go about showin’ me how to make trouble?”
“Because I remember being your age, Fall.” I explained. “I remember being about twelve or so, having to explore all of these places myself, how hard it was and how long it took me to find all of them. Then again I’m a prince so I had all the time in the world to search for them. You don’t, so I’ll do you the honours of showing you them outright.”
We trotted in silence until we found a perfectly blank wall, between two doors and breaking the even spacing of sixty feet between each large granite threshold. I counted the number of bricks before I stopped, causing the filly to careen into my back leg.
“We’re here.” I explained simply.
“Uh… ye’ may have lost yer’ mind, cuz’ all I see here is a wall.” The confused filly stated.
I put my hoof on the wall and muttered a simple revelation spell. A door popped into sight, evenly spaced from the other two, a perfect sixty bricks down from the others. The filly looked starstruck at how clever I was, and dove for the handle of the door. Before I could stop her she touched the enchanted brass handle, and she recoiled as if she’d touched a hot cooktop. She whined and nursed her hoof, having placed the sensitive centre on it instead of the sturdier outer rim. I sighed and shook my head, kneeling to her height. She simpered as my horn lit, healing her burnt hoof before it began to hurt in earnest. She blinked gratefully, swallowing back her pain. I had to admire her; when I’d touched that handle as a colt I’d cried for almost fifteen minutes. The tough filly rose to her feet and waited for me to disarm the trap before she opened the door to the room, heading inside without a word.
The interior of the secret chamber was filled with magical baubles and trinkets of all sizes, filling every nook and cranny. Most of them were simply enchanted figures depicting many of Equestria’s greatest historical heroes, while others were merely amusing scenes from the past captured in small scale models. Everything moved as we made our way through the storage room, and I couldn’t help but be reminded of many a time where I’d think back to the events depicted in some of the miniatures. There was even some for more recent history, like Lune coming back from his stay on the moon. We hadn’t the gall to tell anypony about his return yet, and everypony kept his presence in the castle a well-guarded secret, but somehow the dolls and figures in the room kept keeping up to date with important events.
“Do you like it?” I asked, hoping she had an eye for historical figures.
She shot me an unimpressed expression, her eyes fallen to half-moons. “Ye’ have the whole cas’le t’show me an’ ye’ decide to give a tour of a glo’ified storage cupboard?” She stated, making her opinion on the secret room clear.
I sighed; pegasi weren’t known as the history types, and I should’ve known that coming in. I turned and guided her out of the room, wondering what to show her next. Obviously she wasn’t the one to get the more bookish references to the past, so I had a better idea. A timeless glory was what she would appreciate, if I was getting to know her as well as I thought I was. She trotted out ahead of me, her gaze darting around the hall as if she was afraid of being caught. I remembered having that feeling; that every time I did something against the rules somepony could be looking over my shoulder at any given moment. She way she acted so skilled, yet self-conscious about every move she made seemed to mimic somepony else I knew. Dusk Shine, the colt I’d watched a favour to Shimmer Shield, if I recalled correctly.
We proceeded down the halls as my mind drifted back to the long evenings spent with my ex-lover’s younger brother, how he’d been so bright and inquisitive, never asking for anything if he could help it. He was very independent for a foal his age, and I couldn’t help but admire Dusk in hindsight. He’d had the knowledge of current events of most adult ponies, yet he’d seemed… almost innocent. His parents had sheltered him for most of his life, only allowing him to explore topics he was curious about through reading books. In a way it was sad, the way the colt didn’t leave his home all summer while his parents went away. A sweet young foal like that deserved better than to be left alone. He was indeed quite the sweetheart, having served me cookies, baked desserts and even made dinner from time to time. The foal had been, in essence, perfect. I missed him, how he’d sometimes catch me giving him a look and suddenly he’d know just what I wanted, or how I could do the same with him. We’d grown close, almost intimate at some points. I remember on more than one occasion when I’d been on the edge of making a move, about to say something to make my thoughts known ,when all of the sudden I’d stop myself and back away, knowing that he was a fraction of my age.
I thought back to the time when he’d accidentally taken an amnesia potion instead of a sleeping draft, and I’d had to spend weeks filling in the sporadic gaps in his memory. He’d known who he was and why I was there, but simplistic tasks had to be explained to him in order for him to remember. Ones he used to find quite easy were suddenly foreign, and I’d been roped into teaching him things as simple as levitation spells. I remember the torturous half an hour I’d spent re-teaching him simple bathing. Eventually I wasn’t able to bear it any longer and told him to just wash his mane; merely standing in the same room with the soaking wet, exposed foal had been enough to make my loins burn. His supple coat, the way he had no problem waving his tail, exposing his supple, smooth flanks to me…
I shook my head again, feeling a sudden stiffness between my legs. My eyes were fixated on Fall Reed’s swaying flanks a she walked ahead, causing me to turn a bright red in shame. I wanted little more than to sink into the floor, knowing how vulgar the thoughts running through my head were. I wanted to ask her, inquire as to her knowledge of what my subconscious seemed to crave. Would she understand, or would was she oblivious as far as carnal pursuits went? I bit my lip again, hoping the stinging would calm me down. I was in the middle of a corridor, walking with a foal I barely knew, staring at her like she I wanted to jump on her right then and there. I screamed at myself to exercise self-control, knowing that nopony would ever forgive me if I was caught. I wasn’t the type of pony to abandon my morals, and most certainly not in the face of something so trivial. I continued on my trip down the West Wing, knowing the next secret chamber would leave her in awe.
We arrived at what seemed to be a perfectly normal statue, but when I tapped it thrice on the head with my horn it slid aside to reveal another doorway, one that couldn’t be seen with the naked eye. I led the way into the chamber, keeping the lights off until she was inside and the secret entrance was closed behind us. With a flash I lit the torches lining the walls of the cavern, and she gawked in awe of the marvellous crystalline room. Every surface was carved out of solid quartz, causing the light to reflect at odd angles and giving the rooms random speckles of extremely bright light along the floor and walls. Fall Reeds turned a circle, trying to take it all in. It was marvellous, and in the half-light she I could see her face stretch into a wide, ecstatic grin.
“Now this’s a sec’et room.” The filly stated, trotted up to me with an overjoyed expression gracing her flawless complexion. “How’d ye’ ever find this?” She asked, looking up at me curiously.
I knelt to her height for the second time that evening. I couldn’t help but smile back at her, as her happiness was practically infectious. “A lot of searching, and radar spells.” I said, tousling her mane.
I don’t know what I did to deserve it, but the filly leaned forward and kissed me on the cheek right then. I blinked in shock; surely she didn’t like me that much? I mean, she was willing to run off in the castle with me and all… but this sort of physical affection was outside the typical realm of foalhood crushes. She blushed and blinked at me happily, enjoying the surprised expression that stood sentry on my face. With blind recklessness I leaned forward and returned the favour, except my display of affection went far beyond what she’d imagined. I pressed my lips to hers, my eyes closed from how nervous I was. She gasped and moved to back away, but something drug her back to meet me again, and we locked lips for a second time. I moved with the utmost of tenderness, my head shifting to the side to get the young filly used to the sensation that was kissing. She had a blush just as brilliantly vivid as mine, showing even through the dim light of the cavern. I put a hoof on the back of her head and went a bit further, slipping a bit of my tongue into her mouth before she could react.
The filly backed away, blinking and shaking like a leaf in a late fall breeze. She seemed conflicted, and didn’t know how to react to my sudden advances. I did my best to digress, apologize for what I’d done or perhaps make it up to her somehow. Instead of being afraid of me, though, Fall Reeds trotted back up to me, looking into my eyes adoringly. She hadn’t known what she’d felt, or why kissing me made her feel that way, but it was unlike anything she’d ever experienced. I took a step back, shaking my head and ushering her out the chamber door again. She weaved in between my legs, gazing up at me with the expression one would see on a lost puppy wanting a treat. I cursed at myself; I’d caused this, and she had no idea what she was getting into. Still she stared upwards, wanting to feel more of the strange emotion I’d instilled in her.
“I-it’d be best if we went back now.” I stuttered nervously, praying she wouldn’t tell anypony. “Your mother is probably getting worried that I’ve gotten you lost or something of that sort.”
“What?! Ye’ can’t just… do those t’ings to me and expect me to jus’... walk away!” She protested, pouting up at me. “I wan’ more!”
“W-well I can’t.” I defended, taking off down the corridor, the filly hot in pursuit. “You’re just a filly, and I’d get in trouble if I-”
“Ye’ ‘ave my permission!” She retorted. “Jus’ kiss me again! Or whatever ye’ did tha’ made me feel so strange!”
“For the very last time, no.” I said, my already weak voice dropping to an almost inaudible pitch. I knew if she pressured me one more time I’d crack.
“Pre’y please mis’er-”
I turned, horn flashing as we disappeared, reappearing in the library instantly. We were in the very back of the Canterlot Archives, with nopony around to hear us. I took a seat in one of the high-backed reading chairs, feeling myself stiffening in my sheath as I eyed her. She looked stunned that I’d carried her so far away, but wasted no time in trotting over to me and leaping into the chair next to me. I embraced her dainty frame and pulled the filly closer, her sweet breath smelling of fresh grain and bread. I didn’t hesitate to clasp her lips in my own this time, instead of being subtle. I was afraid of what would happen if I stopped, that perhaps she’d tell somepony if I didn’t satisfy her. I prayed that she’d keep it at that, kissing, not anything more. I couldn’t help but scorn myself in the moment; I was letting a filly bully me into making out with her for the sake of my reputation as a prince. She broke apart, struggling for air. It was obvious that even she was a bit off-put by how relentless I was. I kept pulling her back to me, scarcely allowing her time to recover between long, heartfelt strokes of my tongue.
A cold sweat broke out on my forehead when I realized that I smelled something, an extremely familiar musk, one that was easily distinguishable even in the confusing tangle of limbs. I pushed the filly off of me for a moment, my eyes searching her form in an attempt to disprove myself. Indeed, my worst fears were confirmed to me as I glanced down at her, the sensual smell of her marehood wafting up to greet me. She was excited, and she’d demand to know why that part of her body was doing that, when it never had before. I cringed inwardly and cursed at myself, knowing this wouldn’t end well. I only had one thing to do left, one possible course of action that wouldn’t end with me taking the foal right there. I blinked, muttered a hasty apology right before my horn flashed and all memory of the night was wiped from her young mind.
I held the gem up to the light; it would do a good job of locking this terrible event away forever. I’d honestly thought about what I’d done, and although guilt tore at me I knew I’d taken the moral path, at least in comparison to the ulterior course. I was about to do it, seduce Fall Reeds into a trap where I could make her my own, maybe even take her to my bedchamber for more privacy. Just as I’d had my hoof on her waist I’d recalled Shimmer Shield, her disgusted expression and rampant curses. I remembered the expression on Solaris’ face, when he told me how severely he punished criminals who exploited foals. This was better, for everypony. Fall Reeds didn’t even know what was going on, and she’d seemed more confused and scared than willing. I tapped the gem to my horn and sighed as the exact details of the night drifted off, into a mist where my mind could never wander. One day I’d look back on this and reflect, but right now I wanted little more than to forget. I wanted a drink… I might even join Lune if he’d have me. This was a night best left half-remembered.
Dusk’s Perspective
I dropped the gem, a knock snapping me out of my near-unconscious state. I struggled to readjust to my own body, looking down at my lavender coat and reaching up to touch my mauve mane. My trip through Cadenza’s head had revealed a lot more than I’d ever intended to learn about my foalsitter. I struggled against the the urge to mull over what I’d just seen, knowing that somepony was at the door downstairs. I tucked the jewel under the pillow, knowing in my gut that he’d never want anypony to find the glittering ruby. It was a secret that was between us, a strangely disturbing secret that would keep forever if I had to. With the memory relatively hidden I trotted out of the room and quietly shut the door, inferring Cadenza’s reaction if he found out I’d been snooping through his things. With the door closed, I teleported downstairs to see who was at the door. The entrance hall was glittering, basking in the radiant light of the afternoon sun as I trotted towards the threshold. The marble clicked under my light hoof-steps, making every quick stride sound like a marching band cymbal in the vast, empty hall.
I opened the door and turned on a dime, the knowing expression on Shimmer Shield’s face enough to tell me her current mood. I hadn’t made it three steps before she overtook me, rolling her eyes. We had these sorts of wordless arguments when she had something she desperately wanted to scream at me about, but wanted to get somewhere more private before she let loose. Her horn lit a bright blue, and my hooves glowed the same colour as she guided me upstairs. Her silence was enough to worry me, and if she was upset now… I didn’t want to imagine her when I broke the news that I was sleeping with her ex-stallion. I let myself be guided, though, knowing that she wanted more than anything to know that I was still her little brother, and that I always would be. She led me to her room before freeing me, turning and slamming the door shut before diverting her attention to me.
“You and me have quite a bit to discuss.” Was all she said, conjuring a couch for us to sit on. It was a large, comfortably cushioned seat that looked inviting as she got comfortable. “Firstly… I know you know about Cadenza. The moment that I heard he was watching you again I took vacation time off to check on you. Seeing as how you’re in my nightgown, I can also tell that you’ve been falling back into old habits… I supposed that’s my fault, though.”
I struggled to comprehend how she’d inferred all that, until I took into consideration her history with the stallion. She’d spent almost every waking moment of her foalhood pining after him, and probably knew every detail of his life since she’d lived with him for almost a year. Not only that, but the events that Cadenza referenced constantly in his memory were enough to convince me that she knew more than most about the prince’s paedophilic tendencies.
“I knew for a long time, Dusk.” My older sister sighed, shaking her head. “I knew even before he came out and told me. He entertained the idea of one of us becoming a foal for a few weeks since the very first time we slept in the same bed. Not only that, but the way he looked at you sometimes… he’d peer at you, when you thought you were alone…” She trailed off, unable to say more. “At one point he even asked me if it’d be okay if he watched you over the summer. I still trusted him at that point, so I agreed, thinking it was just a product of my overprotective instincts… in hindsight I was pretty naïve. Now he’s back and I think, with what he told me a little while ago, he might not be looking to just care for you.”
“I know.” I said, preparing to confess. “He’s actually… made himself pretty clear.”
“What do you mean?” She asked, her voice raising slightly in concern. “Don’t tell me that he… tried to…” She couldn’t say it, but I still understood what she was attempting to express.
“I gave him permission… he was really sweet about it, gentle even.” I attempted to soften the blow as much as I could, but the twitch acting up in her eye warned me of her growing outrage. “He caught me dressing up in your clothes, and he thought I was really pretty… things went on and eventually we ended up together. It was a freak accident, but I let him, really. In no way did he force me to do anything.”
At that moment I thought she would possibly understand, maybe even accept what had happened as a strange anomaly, but instead of screaming at me like I’d expected she resorted to her other methods of scolding. Her hoof shot out at blinding speed and hit my horn, sending roaring tidal waves of pain down through my skull. I probably deserved that, for letting all this happen, but her wounding me didn’t particularly help the situation in any way. She got her wish, though, and I promptly shut my mouth, knowing that she was about to unleash a scolding that would most likely shake the floorboards. I braced myself for her magically amplified voice to scream her righteous fury into me, maybe even shake me to ram her point home, but none of that happened as she turned to me, confusion plainly showing in her bright blue eyes.
“You mean you let him have you?” She said, as if the very prospect struck her as nearly impossible. “You just… decided that you two would make a good pair and allowed him to do whatever he wanted? You’re thirteen, Dusk! He’s over a hundred years old! How can you possibly think of him as a partner when you two function on two completely different levels?!” Shimmer Shield’s voice grew, cracking into a frequency only heard by dogs near the end. “I mean, you’re so sweet and innocent and he wants these things from you, really dirty, carnal things… I found his journal once, detailing every fantasy he’d ever had. If it’s anything like that I don’t think you can handle him, Dusk. You’re just not ready for somepony as experienced as him. He’s had decades to think of what he’ll do to the first foal mature enough to understand what he wanted, and you’re just a vir-” She stopped, her eyes flooding with tears. “By Starswirl’s Beard, he… took your…”
I shimmied closer to her, wrapping her in an embrace. “What’s so wrong, sister? It had to happen eventually… I mean, if I ever wanted to be with anypony, it had to.”
“Not like this.” She protested, pushing me away with a hoof. “And if you’re smart you’ll politely ask him to leave and never come back. He’s already done more than he could possibly make up for. I want him out of our lives, forever. He’s sick, Dusk. Inside he’s not right. He likes foals, preying on their innocence and blind trust. Just like what he did to you.”
“He never preyed on me.” I insisted. “I accepted his advance, I actually told him that he had my permission.”
“That isn’t your decision to make yet, Dusk.” Shimmer Shield said, pushing me away. “You aren’t ready for this sort of thing, you’re too innocent… too loving to be corrupted. I can’t watch you wither away the same way I did.”
“Wait… what did he do to you?” I asked, suddenly concerned for my older sister. “I mean, I know you two were together… but what could be so bad?”
“Cadenza has some strange ideas of role playing.” Was all she said, looking at her hooves. “His idea of a good time is a lot more warped than most stallions. He thinks a lot of things are arousing when they’re just… plain gross. Once he tried to convince me to become a Changeling! Have you ever seen a diagram of their reproductive system? I shudder at the thought of having a pair of claspers… especially where they shouldn’t be. He just isn’t right, Dusk. He will convince you to do things that no sane pony would do, for fear of their lives or bodies. I just don’t want you to be doing those things with him. I mean… if those things become normal, what will he keep doing to push it to the extreme? I had to stop and ask myself that constantly, every time I denied him.”
I stared at my hooves, seeing that she had quite the point. It was a simple fact of escalation; what is normal becomes boring tomorrow, and what’s exciting today gets normal again. The progression was simple psychology, with every single push into the strange unknown the urge to go farther would only get stronger. Eventually we would both end up with disturbing indulgences, enjoying things no sane pony would ever take pleasure in.
“Then what should I do, Shimmer?” I pleaded, unable to bear separating from the stallion I’d grown so dependent upon. “I really like Cadenza… I like how he makes me feel, and the way he treats me. It’s almost like I’m the centre of his life, with my needs coming first. He’s so devoted and kind… how can I say no to him?”
There are all sorts of demeaning things in life. Some are more or less negligible, like your parents embarrassing you at a family reunion. Others tend to be much more irksome, like your older sister still treating you like you’re an infant. Although I love my sister, and I’m sure she does as well, Shimmer Shield sometimes forgets what age I am despite all her rigid formality. This lapse in her judgment usually tends to lead into situations like the one I suffered shortly after her massive scolding over my illegitimate relationship with her ex-stallion. Sitting in a bathtub with your sister over you, scrubbing your mane as if you can’t do it yourself, is infuriating to even the most patient of younger brothers. Although she did a great job of cleaning my mane, the fact that I was sitting in warm, soapy water with her working her hooves through into my scalp did absolutely nothing to improve my mood. I couldn’t help but assume that it was her way of expressing denial; that maybe, if she could treat me enough like her innocent younger brother then perhaps I’d go back to being that naïve foal she loved so much. Both of us knew that this was unnecessary, and I was perfectly capable of bathing on my own, but she felt the need to be there, and I could hardly blame her.
I knew the news about Cadenza had shocked her. She’d moved on from the subject frighteningly fast, almost to the point where it could be called cognitive dissonance. I’d expected her to call the guard, then alert my parents, but contrary to that line of logic she was acting as if she didn’t know, and it had never happened. She spoke with an unnervingly light tone to her voice, as if everything was fine and she was overjoyed at life. We both knew this wasn’t so, but I let her keep her façade of calm, if only to assure her to the fact that I was aware of how wrong it all was. I was indeed only a colt, and had no business doing such things with a stallion so many times my age. Despite this, it’d felt right in the heat of the moment, and it still did. A strange border separated what I felt was right in my heart, and what my mind told me was amoral. I’d caused my foalsitter to become infatuated with me, and I’d let that grow into something that most would call obsessiveness. I was the first and only young pony who’d ever been able to understand what Cadenza had wanted, and I’d fulfilled his needs perfectly. In his eyes I would always be special, even more so than Shimmer Shield, and that coupled with the fact that I was so young wounded my older sister terribly. Even if she didn’t have the heart to show it.
“You should really scrub your mane better.” My sister quipped, her lips pursed. “It’d look healthier.”
“Why are you doing this?” I asked grumpily, facing straight forwards as to avoid looking at her. Although she was my older sister, and this was typical of her, it didn’t stop the situation from being embarrassing. “You know I can bathe myself. I prefer showers anyways if I can help it.”
“Because I’m trying to get you to feel younger, Dusk.” She sighed, chewing her bottom lip. “You can’t just expect me to be okay with this, can you? You’re still a foal, not even a young stallion yet. You need to remember who you are, and just how old Cadenza is before you go making this decision again. You’re still young enough to let your sister scrub your mane. You can’t pretend you’re a mature young stallion when your sister still does a better job of washing your hair than you do.”
“I can wash my mane on my own.” I grumbled, not wanting to move for fear of her ripping out a clump of my mane. “You’re being ridiculous.”
“You’re being loose with your body, not to mention irresponsible.” She shot back, raising her voice a bit. “Pardon me for taking comfort in the fact that you’re still so young. You can still undo this, Dusk. Just tell Cadenza you don’t want him anymore and everything can go back to normal.”
“Normal?” I hissed, turning to look at her. “I can sit around the house all summer while you go out every weekend with your marefriends, having a great time while I sit here summoning spirits for company? Mom and Dad can go back go crushing everything I like while you go live a daydream? Cadenza can keep these quirks of his locked up until eventually he snaps and does something awful to a foal who is nowhere near as mature as me? Then he can get in trouble, then locked up, is that what you want? Would that solve anything?”
She glared down at me furiously as she grated her response. “That wasn’t what I said.”
“It’s what you implied.” I snapped. “You just want Cadenza in trouble because you can’t think of me as your little Dusky anymore.” I faltered as I spoke the pet name, rolling my eyes. “Not only that, but you’re the one who could have avoided this whole situation in the first place of you weren’t so… pompous! If you’d only let him experiment a bit he would never have come to me. Has that ever occurred to you? It’s because you couldn’t unbend your pride just a tiny bit for the stallion you loved, that we’re sitting here right now. If you’d have just let him explore, you wouldn’t need to be treating me like I’m a three year old, and Fall Reeds wouldn’t have a convenient gap in her memory!”
Shimmer Shield blanched, her face draining of emotion. “Y-you know about Fall Reeds?” She stuttered, blinking in disbelief. “He never told anypony about that night…”
“Not only do I know that, but I know you were so appalled by the idea of just taking a leap of faith with Cadenza that you left him.” I concluded my rant, facing her with an expression of annoyance. “Aside from that… I’m glad this happened. Cadenza is the one pony who treats me like I’m an adult. He doesn’t coddle me like you do, and or make me into a little tin marching soldier like Dad and Mom. He accepts these parts of me… and I accept his advances, and what he wants from me. I want those things from him too. I want those carnal urges he has taken out on me… as undignified as that sounds.”
“You’re thirteen!” She roared, outrage and frustration plain on her face. “You shouldn’t even have these urges! He’s the one who introduced you to sex in the first place! If you hadn’t had sex with him you wouldn’t have wanted anything sensual for another three years! Not only are you not ready to be making these decisions, you shouldn’t feel the needs Cadenza does. You’re not old enough to want these things, no matter how mature you are. Your body isn’t even ready for this yet.”
“So what then?” I asked, lowering my voice in an attempt to calm her down. “Am I supposed to go find somepony my age to satisfy me? I don’t have many options, Shimmer. Hardly anypony my age knows what sex is, and I have needs to satisfy now. Cadenza more than satisfies me, and he’s a lot more tolerant than my family at this point. Mom and Dad think I’m becoming a deviant and you… you want to keep me young forever. You’re so strict it’s like I’m another guard under your command. He fills the gap in my life where there should be understanding and kindness. The gap you and Dad leave…”
“What do you mean our parents think you’re a deviant? Why would they think that? You’re smart, you always look your best, and you do everything you’re told… you’re practically all they could ask for.”
“Almost everything.” I sighed, rinsing my mane sullenly. “Remember when you walked in a few hours ago, and I had your nightgown on? Since you left, I sometimes I liked to dress in your clothes, to remind me of you… and sometimes whenever the insults get to be too much I like to feel good about myself. Wearing those clothes make me feel comfortable, and satisfied with my image, I guess. I get called ugly a lot by the other ponies at school, so looking pretty helps sometimes. When Mom and Dad caught me, though… it was pretty bad, and soon after that they started noticing the way I looked at other colts, and how I reacted when they were around. The pieced things together, and they began keeping me home during the summer. I wasn’t allowed to leave.”
She blanched, as if she couldn’t believe that our parents would put me through such neglect. “So because you liked other colts… they never let you leave home?” She asked, trying to follow a line of logic I hadn’t explained yet.
“They think I’m a disgrace.” I stated simply. “They think I’ll make a mockery of the family if I leave home and let my… fondness of other colts show too much.”
“Well… I could help with that.” She said, hoping to gain my trust back. “I could talk to them, explain to them that it’s nothing to be ashamed of.”
“Cadenza already offered.”
“Well now I’m offering, and I think they’ll listen to me more than they would to him. Besides, I can transfer over to local patrol and be here all the time instead of being off at the castle. That way I can make sure you’re not lonely, and we can go do fun stuff together, just like the old days.”
“What about Cadenza, though?” I asked, unable to think of what she’d want in exchange. “Do I really need to end it?”
“If you don’t want me to turn Cadenza in, then yes.” She warned. “Not only that, but you’ll never see me again if you stay with him. I refuse to be a part of that, no matter how much you consent.”
“What will I do for romantic comfort then?” I questioned. “I can’t just go from being loved to having nopony, Shimmer.”
She bit her bottom lip, seeing my cheeks flush red as we turned onto the subject. “Can’t you just do what most colts your age do when they’re alone?” She suggested tactlessly, her tone expressing just how awkward it was for her to be discussing the topic.
“That’s hardly a solution to somepony who’s had the real thing. Three times.” I said, my eyes narrowed to half-moons with how base her suggestion was. “Unlike ponies who’ve never had sexual interactions, I’ve had a taste of how it feels. Nothing I could do to myself can equal that and you know it.”
“You’ll have to deal with it, because the next time I find that you’ve been with him, I’ll make sure to tell somepony. Probably law enforcement.”
“So you’d let me suffer loneliness instead of being with him?” I questioned, my voice probably betraying how arbitrary the decision seemed. “That’s the solution?”
“You won’t be alone, I’ll be here.”
“You know what I mean.”
Her expression changed as she realized what I meant by that, from triumphant to crestfallen. She knew quite well what I’d meant, and she’d wish on all the shooting stars in the sky to just skim over the one unfortunate factor in her decision. I’d be alone yet again, after having been introduced to carnal pleasures far beyond my ability to resist. The simple fact of the matter was that she didn’t have a solution to that, no matter how hard she might try. There wasn’t anything she could say or do to prevent me from going through withdrawal. I’d grown accustomed to the urges of the flesh, and my hunger for them had just barely been sated. It was only a matter of time before I wanted somepony else, before I pined after another pony to be my stallion. It simply couldn’t be helped, as I was a creature just like any other. I craved companionship on a level a sibling couldn’t provide while staying within the realm of morality, not to mention legality. No matter how much Shimmer Shield wanted to protect me and keep me as her younger brother, she couldn’t stop me from longing for the relationships she deemed unhealthy.
She stood and shook her head, blinking as if I’d stunned her. She threw the towel on the granite countertop and walked out, closing the door behind her. I finished bathing myself after she left, wondering just how I was supposed to make this work. There were no right answers here. If I sided with Shimmer Shield then I was on the side of morality and legality, but deprived myself of companionship. If I sided with Cadenza I had companionship and acceptance, but the relationship was amoral, as well as illegal. I wanted a pony by my side, but I wanted a pony in bed next to me, too, without feeling the crushing guilt of how wrong it was.
I came downstairs to the sound of dishes clattering, coupled with the familiar aroma of fried vegetables filling the air. In the kitchen Shimmer Shield was making dinner, sighing and shaking her head at how disorganized the cookware had gotten in her absence. Something that my older sister always did in our house was cook; it was simply something that came naturally to her. Besides that, my parents were far too busy to make us a full meal. Shimmer’s reputation as a good chef didn’t just end at home though, and she also commonly told stories about making strange dishes for the guards back at the castle. She enjoyed challenging herself to make new, more exotic dishes, but on this specific occasion she was making my favourite meal. Fried bell peppers, with a side of salad. I knew why she was being so nice, going out of her way to make me something she didn’t even like. I knew from personal experience that she hardly ever touched anything with the prefix ‘fried’ in front of it, as anything soaked in canola oil was likely to upset the strict health regime she had in place.
Still, she shook the pan the vegetables cooked in, not even glancing back at me as I took a seat at the table. She was trying to win me back over to her the same way mothers did to their sons, coming back home after such a long time. She was being unnaturally calm and cordial to me because she was afraid of me slipping further away from her, and catering to me was her way of not only calming herself down, but also bring me back to her. She still wanted to think of me as her little brother, and that was okay, but her ways of expressing that was to ensure that I saw how much she still viewed me as dependent upon her. She’d been gone for two years, two unbearably long summers had passed with me trotting those halls, alone and without purpose, and now that she’d returned she expected me to fall back into the routine of letting her cook my meals, as if I hadn’t been forced to learn that skill for myself. I knew every aspect of living alone, from cooking for myself to ordering new books, to cleaning and all the way down to shopping on my own. Yet still she was treating me as if I’d never endured those two years of purgatory-esque loneliness, and all I could do was endure her incessant mollycoddling.
“So how’s school been since I left?” She asked, hoping to break the ice again.
“Terrible.” I replied, hoping that would end the conversation.
I glanced her biting her bottom lip, holding back the urge to continue that conversation. “Dusk, why are you acting like this? It’s as if you don’t want me around anymore.”
“I want you around, I really do, but you just came through the door after two years and now you’re making me dinner!” I exclaimed, letting her see how confused I was. “It just feels weird, having you trot back into my life after being so alone all the time. I spent so much time, just lying in bed and staring out the window after you left. I can’t even tell you how long it was until I could walk into your room again. It hurt, not having you around… you were always on my side, helping me up and making sure I was alright. You kept Mom and Dad off my back, but with you gone it felt like they were always breathing down my neck, making sure I did everything they wanted me to… marching in just the right rhythm. When they figured out about me… things got terrible. Forget being trapped in the house, they never let me leave my room. They saw it in me before I did, the way I crossed my legs sometimes, how I’d brush my mane behind my ear, it all added up to them way before I did the math.”
“You make it sound like they’re awful.” Shimmer Shield rolled her eyes sceptically, scraping the vegetables off onto a plate. “They never treated me that way.”
“Well you were their perfect child.” I muttered under my breath, then continued at a volume she could hear. “They really were awful. You might not have seen it, but they favoured you over me. Hooves down, they’d spend more money on you rather than throw half a bit my way. Besides… they still think I’m a disgrace.”
Shimmer fell silent again as she pondered this, wondering how much truth lay behind my words. She’d always had a nagging fear that our parents far preferred her over me, but here the topic was tossed out into the light, where she could see just how much it affected us. For the first time she was beginning to see the perhaps her parents were proud of her her, not because she was so good at physical skills or had a wide range of talents, but because she was so good at being like them. They liked wealth, and intelligence, as well as an ability to be very strict. She had all of that, but when she glanced over at me, sitting across the table, she hardly saw any of those traits. Of course nopony could deny that I was bright for somepony my age, but I loathed unnecessary monotony, whereas she craved discipline and predictability in her schedule.
Hoping to avoid any further discussion on the topic, she repeated herself. “So how’s school?”
The mention of the word ‘school’ conjured up two different images in my head. One, the correct viewing of a building constructed for the specific purpose of learning, was that of a classroom full of foals, all eager to learn something new with an extremely well-trained, equally content teacher. The other was the much less idealistic, and much more realistic. The latter image in my head was a disheartened, underpaid mare, sitting at her desk, telling a group of inattentive, immature and poorly raised foals to take out hulking textbooks to study, then do their homework. Anything but to expend actual energy in legitimate teaching. The foals, with attention spans and maturity levels that so miniscule they couldn’t be measured without using the prefix ‘micro’, then proceed to turn to each other and talk, while a select few want to cry and scream at the teacher that they aren’t doing their jobs correctly, but still proceed to do their work, frustrated beyond belief at their peers and teachers.
To coalesce those thoughts into words, I simply answered. “It’s terrible.”
“Is it really so bad?” She asked persistently, still looking at me sceptically.
“The red marks on the back of my neck from being snapped with rubber bands would attest to how horrid that place is.”
We lapsed into silence again, neither of us wanting to talk about it. She’d had an amazing time in school, having been one of those students who got ‘preferential treatment’ because she was so tolerant of their abhorrent teaching methods. She didn’t really have to try very hard and she got good grades, mainly because my parents were quick to complain if their perfect foal got anything below an accelerated grade. Of course they were never eager to defend me, saying that I possessed the ‘natural talent’ to make it without their help. I didn’t get into the same classes as Shimmer, as my quick and frequent complaints towards the teachers made the whole staff loath to teach me. None of them wanted to waste their time coaxing us to learn, not when they’d spent years of their life with that wasted approach. They were more content to let us drown in ceaseless tides of homework, rather than take their time and make sure we understood the subject matter. I couldn’t recall the amount of times I had to learn the whole lesson out of the book, and only learn by hard trial and error. Even when I spoke up about their lackadaisical methods of learning, they refused to hear me, with the principal marking me as a delinquent for ‘disrupting classroom tranquillity’.
Not wanting my thoughts to turn towards the students of the school, and how they only fed the staff’s irritating practices, I turned to the food in front of me and lost myself in the flavour of cooked peppers. I picked up the salt shaker and sprinkled some out, setting it down and sighing. I wanted to tell Shimmer everything, but I knew it would have to wait. At the moment she was still struggling to accept my relationship with Cadenza, in the only way she truly knew how. The meal progressed in silence, the schism between us wider than ever. This continued, until finally she set her fork down, looking across the table at me with pity.
“I know you feel abandoned, Dusk.” She admitted. “That I left you when you couldn’t possibly do all of this on your own. I know you hated school, and without me Mom and Dad can get pretty off base. But I’m here again; you don’t have to stay in this bubble anymore. I can do things for you, and you don’t have to pretend to be stronger than you are. I know you had to distance yourself a lot while I was gone, and Cadenza comforted you by understanding in a way nopony else could, but now you need to come back, because I’m here again. I’ll see to it that nothing else happens, and that our parents understand what’s going on. You don’t need Cadenza, you have me to protect you.”
“You can’t be everypony, Shimmer.” I sighed, finishing the last of my food and setting my fork down. “I’m sure you believe I’m too young for this, and now that you’re here I’ll go back to relying on you the way I as before you left, but you can’t be my only support forever. You can’t be the only pony I rely on, and you can’t mean the same thing to me as Cadenza.”
“Why not?” She protested, leaning across the table. “Why can’t I be your friend?”
“Because, Cadenza wasn’t just a friend.” I replied, getting down from the table. “He didn’t just offer to protect me, or help me accept who I am. He was somepony you just can’t be.”
“And just what can’t I be to you?” She grated.
“You can’t love me that way.” I sighed, picking up her plate and levitating it over to the sink.
She once again went blank, unable to respond. Again that one fact stood in the way of her ultimate success; she simply couldn’t have those expectations of me. As a sibling she was bound by a barrier almost as powerful as the years between me and the older stallion. She knew I was right, and that she could never offer me the physical support and comfort Cadenza did. Despite this, she still shook her head, as if to further deny my statement.
“You don’t need to be loved that way, Dusk.” She said, standing up to leave the room. “You’re too young. You’ll learn that you don’t need it. Until then… you just have to learn to live without Cadenza.”
“There you go again… denying the facts.” I muttered, turning on the sink and rinsing off the dishes. “You can’t pretend I’m still the same after what Cadenza and I had. I have needs too, strange as that might sound. I know it’s hard, knowing that I’m not your little Dusky anymore, but you’ve got to accept it.”
“What changed, though?!” She shouted, storming over and stopping just short of crashing into me. “What could change you so much in two years, Dusk? Can being alone for all that time be so bad, that you’d be forced to grow up so soon?”
“It’s strange what a pony can do with four months of unbroken solitude.” I said, darting around the subject. “I lost my naiveté a long time ago, Shimmer. When everypony at school calls me things… when I accidentally found the books Mom and Dad purposefully pulled off the shelves of the library so we wouldn’t find them, when I summoned a spirit from Tartarus, all of those things tend to make a pony grow up and see the world for what it is.”
“What books are you talking about?” Shimmer asked, having been unaware of the proverbial ‘forbidden reading’ she’d been kept from. “And what spirit did you summon?”
“The books that pertain to the spirits of Tartarus.” I replied, finishing the dishes and putting them on the counter to dry. “What they do, why they’re damned to such a terrible realm… amongst other things. Besides that, they kept a lot of books on anatomy hidden from us, as well as quite a few body-modification spells. Things most parents would keep from their children, I suppose.”
“I took a whole course about Tartarian demons, Dusk.” She said, tapping a hoof. “You didn’t answer my other question. Which one did you summon?”
I remained pointedly silent, unwilling to tell her the extent of the damage. I’d summoned a starving succubus, much to my later regret. They’re extremely pitiful creatures, succubae. Their only source of food is the sexual energy of mortal creatures, and sadly those trapped in the horrid realm were kept apart from one another, doomed to starve for eternity. The one I summoned was beyond hope, having appeared and immediately begged me to be its prey. Seeing as how it was sealed inside a protective barrier, it couldn’t outright attack me. I’d denied it, but I listened to its persuasions for over half an hour before I finally managed to dispel the poor thing. It kept stopping me, offering me anything I wanted for food. I knew what it considered to be feeding, and I made the choice to banish it back to Tartarus. In hindsight, it would have been more humane to simply turn it loose, instead of depriving it of any chance feed again.
Seeing that I wasn’t going to tell her anything, she gave up and turned to a different topic. “Well… what happened at school?” She asked, being much less demanding in tone in a bid for my compliance.
“You can only be called so many demeaning names before you begin to wish for a little reprisal.” I said. “Besides… without you to back me up there’s nothing stopping anypony from pushing me down stairs, or hitting my horn when they walk by. Just… so many little things that add up into a lot of frustration. I’m tired of being shoved into a wall when I try to fight back, since I only have so much magic. They know I can’t cast high-level spells, and I’m too weak to stand up to them. Using magic without permission is banned in school, so I can’t just teleport between classes or make myself invisible without getting in trouble. Any steps I could take to pre-emptively stop them from bullying me are prevented by the rules, and I can’t stop it once they’re already doing it. Just… it’s frustrating, and I’ve gotten sick of it.”
“But does that really make you mature?” Shimmer asked. “Does having a terrible time at school and being really smart make you an adult?”
“No.” I said, shaking my head. “Not on its own. It does accelerate the process, though. That’s not what makes an adult. An adult is made by how they handle knowledge, and how they respond to things. I tolerate the things that happen at school, and I understand why our parents kept that stuff from us. Regardless of whether you think I’m ready or not, the things I did with Cadenza happened, and can’t be changed. I’ve grown, and now I have needs just like any other pony. No matter how much you want to think otherwise, those are facts.”
“It’s how we respond.” Shimmer said, putting a hoof on my shoulder. “Will you do the right thing, though? No matter your mental age, you’re still thirteen. Physiologically speaking, you’re not fully developed emotionally. It’s against the law, and you’re still too young no matter how much you might deny it. You want me to face facts, but you can’t tell me to do that without facing some yourself.”
I shrugged her hoof off, shaking my head. “I’ll heed your wish, because you’re my older sister and I love you, and it’s what the law says is right, but don’t expect me to be happy about it.”
Cadenza sat alone in his study, no fire in the grate nor sun to warm his day. Blue stone wall to match his mood, and the coldness of a rainy day to supplement the occasion. It had been over six days since he'd last heard from Dusk. He'd left on the grounds that he'd be talking things over with Solaris, but he couldn't bring himself to talk to the higher deity. Not mentioning the fact that he had a sinking feeling deep inside that Cadenza's absence at the castle was indicative of her having returned to her home, and with that, Dusk Shine. He knew, just knew that it would come up betwixt the two... and with that thought he felt the surest resolution of fate in his heart. Dusk would speak the truth, and with that, all would be undone. He returned his attention back to the terribly neglected chamber to distract himself from that thought.
The inside of his rooms looked like someone had released a bear on them. In his anxiety at being figured out he had woken up night after night finding that in his dreams he'd been grinding his teeth, and likewise seizing hold of the furniture with his magic, ending in broken stands, torn drapes and shattered doorhinges. The alicorn shuddered to himself as we felt the cracked bedframe, wondering if he'd ever feel a greater stress on his heart. The only way to get rid of it was to strive towards resolution. His only hope of solace was an ending.
Cadenza walked solemnly to the ornate oaken doors to his quarters and threw them open, shutting them softly behind him as he set himself out towards Solaris' chambers. The halls in this part of the castle were a brilliant pale salmon to commemorate his own being, however on that rainy day most of the cheery hue of the color seemed to have lost its joviality. The place was devoid of any vivid colouration, instread gripped by a whitewashed hand brought on by the rain and doldrums. To him the palace lacked all saturation, cheery hues being reduced to another shade of grey in his eyes. Soon however, things literally turned black and white.
It was a token of the King of Sunlight's; his colours were black and white, shades of grey were for the irresolute, married to a brilliant, searing scarlet or orange. The very deity himself could not afford to be any shade between the two, as he was to be a definer, not undefined. Solaris was an arbiter, a judge. One that Cadenza now wanted more than the life itself. He hastened towards resolution, and who better to find it from than the lord of Ending. Beyond the Sunlight King's decisions there were no further discussions nor were there any revisions. His words may as well lay an unspoken of brand in the fabric of any mind that had the priviliege or misfortune to interpet them.
As we walked Cadenza felt a feeling of vivid, unbridled fear. He didn't want to know how it ended; he wanted desperately to just return to Dusk Shine. Keep everything a secret and help him as best he could, outside of everyone else's awareness. The prince was mortified at the idea of coming forth with his vices laid bare before the higher deity. He felt that surely they would be swept away, and his neck placed a firm hoof to the moment the alicorn discovered what he was suggesting. A trist or two Solaris understood. Immortality breeds a sense of inconsequence for such microscopic acts. However, nothing was more binding to them than commitment. Especially bindings of the heart.
Despite all of his inhibitions, he marched onwards, feeling like it was his turn to face the gallows. Finally he found himself at a pair of brilliantly white aspen doors, depicting a scroll, key and hammer crossed over the parchment. He swallowed his pride and fear as he opened the doors, entering the chamber to find Solaris at his desk, the stained-glass window behind him shining painfully bright sunlight down onto them both as the glittering gem in the sky rose from its slumber. The higher deity grinned as I shielded my eyes, walking forwards into his shadow as the doors shut behind me.
“Solaris... I came to talk to you about the letter I sent a week ago. I... embellished a few things, as it were. The situation has changed, and I feel that I need your judgement to guide me.”
Solaris looked up from his work, arching a brow. “Continue... I remember this being about your engaging in some rather intimate acts with a young student... the younger brother of your wife, if I can recall correctly in my age. Hardly appropriate for one of your stature, as I'm sure you are well aware However I trust that you have the situation under control and you've more than sated yourself for a good long time.”
“W-well, I... know I made things sound like a sort of... trist, in the letter. Like it wouldn't happen again and to make up for it I would help the colt with whatever he needed that was within my power to provide, however-”
“However?”
“However, sir, I... aim to pursue a more personal relationship with the colt. He's so... mature, but supple in his mentality. Innoccent in his mannerisms and cordial, fawning over me... and he only wishes well upon the world despite it having wronged him. I treasure that, sincerely. And with that I'd like your wisdom regarding this situation.”
Solaris set down his quill and clapped his hooves, causing a monumentally large curtain to fall over the window behind him, a gargantuan symbol of his sun embroidered into the blood-red fabric. The chamber immediately fell into pitch-black, before two massive pans of metal hung from chains lit with a blindingly fierce fire, casting his face in a sharp relief. A loud grating of metal was heard as the door locked up and down its frame. Once the deity had assured none could hear or see them, and their counsel was private, he sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose between his hooves.
“Cadenza, you are truly a son to me... however, I regret to tell you that this path is full of little but heartbreak. Just to start to discuss this you know I have to bring up the problem of age... then immediately after comes the morality, then the legality of this. I'm not going to sit here and dictate to you what you can and cannot do, however I will tell you that in my eyes it is folly. Worst of all... we have the unbreakable bedrock that will be the rage of your wife... or former wife, seeing as how I do believe she has all but left you at this point, will bring down upon you. She will all but try and kill you if she so much as lays her eyes upon you, and the idea of it all would sicken anyone else but me or Lune, who well remember the days of old where age was little more than whether one could vote or not.I myself do not have any moral quandries over any of this. However, the morality of the public at large and the morality of one who saw the rise of Equestria and is currently maintaining its golden age are two completely different beasts entirely.”
The prince wilted at the response of the King, his ears flattening to his head and hooves tearing at the marble floor to try and ease his frustration. This was precisely the answer he expected, but not the answer he wanted. He'd wanted the answer that would fulfill his dreams, the one that would allow him and Dusk to be together.
“That does not mean that I will take away the freedome of choice from you, Cadenza. I am merely making the situation clear. Should you decide to pursue this against your better judgment, however.... I can make some arrangments. I will see if the student is gifted, and should he indeed be so, then I will accept him into the Canterlot School for Gifted Unicorns. You and I both know that I can then personally tutor the young one, and with that, be closer to you by living in the castle. However it will not change the fact that your wife is more than onto everything you have just told me... I can see it plainly in your eyes.”
“So if I could... somehow... make things right with Shimmer Shield, there is still a hope?”
“Slim... fleeting. I encourage you outright to simply drop this completely and throw yourself at the feet of Shimmer for all you've done. She will take you back, and it will be a long while before she trusts you again... but she may yet.”
“But I already have someone who loves me, Solaris...”
“But only one that can do so within the realm of legality. Pick your poison; discontent or taboo, either will be a great heartache.”
Cadenza sighed and turned to leave, but he didn't hear the sliding of door mechanisms to let him out. Nor was he dismissed... so the prince turned around to face the King once again, who tapped his quill idly against the desk.
“There is another solution.”
“I would enjoy hearing it.”
Solaris sighed, once again closing his tired eyes and breathing deeply to steady his thoughts. “You could... and this is the final time I will ever suggest this unto you... use your position against Shimmer Shield.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“To avoid mincing words, I mean that perhaps blackmail is in order. Simply put, threaten her job, her livelihood, good standing, home, anything and everything you possibly can. Then... offer her the solution I offered you. Tell her that he would be accepted into a gifted school he would truly enjoy himself in, and that he wouldn't be alone, able to see her every single day along with you, and that was the only thing she had to concede in the dealing. He would be happier than he could ever be as a young colt in a simple school going home to his negligent parents to be alone. She could keep her current work schedule at the castle, even. It would work for everyone involved.”
“Sir that seems... awfully disingenuous...”
“It is either your sense of fair play or your love for this unicorn, whichever one you deem more important.”
Cadenza fell silent at that, hating himself for coming to the conclusiont that this was the solution that worked best for everyone. In exchange for Dusk's true happiness Shimmer Shield had to give her grudging acceptance to their relationship, as long as she could spend more time with him, and see him grow happy and feel loved. It was a better environment for him than his current miserable lifestyle, and she got to see him more, on top of being a solution to solve his own loneliness issues. Everybody won in the end... but the ending felt forced.
“Sir, I do believe that is the course of action I'd like to take.”
“Then I suggest you get to it, Prince Cadenza.”
