The Challenge of the Necromancer

by Daedalus Aegle

Rating: teen
Tags: Main 6, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Queen Chrysalis, Big Macintosh, Random, Princess Celestia, Crossover
Length: 15692

The call has gone out. To save Ponyville from unspeakable boredom, a great tournament of card playing will be held. But can Ponyville survive such an overabundance of geeking?

The call has gone out. The world cries out for a hero, or at least something to keep us entertained for a while until something else comes up.

Now, in Ponyville, great heroes assemble to do battle in a mighty tournament of glory. But is anypony prepared for the dangers that await them, in... the Lair of the Necromancer?

Probably. But come on, where's the fun in it if we already know that?

A story about ponies playing Magic: the Gathering.
Rated Teen for ponies behaving badly, elaborate profanity.
Cover art from Ponylude.

Published 2014-01-07 19:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2014-03-02 17:10:12 UTC

The Challenge of the Necromancer – Prologue: The Call to Arms

The hammer blows that drove the nail into the public notice board in the market square of Ponyville didn't really sound very much like a dire portent of doom. It was neither particularly like the sound of rolling thunder, nor the crack of a volcano erupting, nor as tremors running through the earth beneath the marching hooves of a massive army come to lay waste to the city. In fact, nothing about it suggested that the action in any way signified an impending cataclysm, much to the annoyance of future historians who were left with the task of trying to make something interesting out of Ponyville's first, and ultimately only, Magic: the Gathering tournament.

Dice Whirl the Neck Bearded, the proprietor of Ponyville's games and comics shop, stepped back to examine his work, and found it satisfactory. He had done all he could. He had sent out the call. Now, there was but to wait and see if anypony would rise to the challenge. A team of champions, ready to step beyond the call of duty, into the annals of legend. For this event would go down in history as oh who am I kidding.

THE NECROMANCER'S LAIR INVITES YOU
TO BATTLE FOR GREAT GLORIOUS HONOUR
SUMMON MIGHTY ARMIES
WIELD POWERFUL MAGICS
DEFEAT YOUR ENEMIES
DEFEAT YOUR FRIENDS TOO
RISE TO THE TOP
AND CLAIM THE GREATEST PRIZE OF ALL
THIS FRIDAY AT THE NECROMANCER'S LAIR GAME STORE

Sponsored by Unicorns of the Coast.

Heedless of the ambience, the day was perfectly nice, spitefully so, and the poster on the notice board attracted an entirely ordinary quantity of mild interest from ponies who were, on the whole, perfectly unexceptional, and not one single giant battle axe-wielding barbarian bounty hunter or dragonslayer. But the ordinary ponies came, and saw the call to arms.

"The first place winner will receive a unique card: Oahsee, the Champion of Equestria,*" Rainbow Dash read out loud. She frowned. "What's that star thingie? Lemme see..." she squinted and moved her head in close to be able to read the miniscule print at the bottom of the poster. "*: Note that Oahsee, the Champion of Equestria is a special promotional card that is not valid in the Standard, Vintage, Legacy, Commander, Extended, Retracted, Inverted, Six-Legged Mongoose, Spicy Jalapenos, or Your Parents' Basement formats."

The card itself was printed on the poster: a white legendary creature, 5/5 for five mana, with a slew of special abilities that made it great for just about any situation in the game. The artwork depicted an alicorn that could have been Celestia's twin brother, soaring majestically in front of the sun, in gold and silver armor and wielding a blazing sword in his magical grip.

"Oh my," Fluttershy said softly, looking at the card. "That's a rather nice prize. I wouldn't mind having that for my deck."

Rainbow Dash froze in terror at the thought. She saw the entire tournament play out in her mind: All the other matches done, and Fluttershy and her poor opponent sitting alone on the first turn into the middle of the night. But since the tournament couldn't go on without the winner from that match, everypony else would have to just sit and wait. Either the whole thing would be cancelled after everypony else leaves, or, more likely, Fluttershy would crack under the pressure of having an entire shop full of competitive, impatient gamer ponies angrily yelling at her to hurry up. Then she'd burst into tears and flee home and it would take Dash two weeks of gentle (or not so gentle) nurturing before she'd dare to set hoof outdoors again. And Dash didn't have time for that because next week she was going to see the Wonderbolts perform in Canterlot. She had to prevent this terrible future from unfolding somehow.

An idea came to her mind. A crazy idea. Completely insane. Just insane enough to work. “Fluttershy…” Rainbow Dash began, “I need to tell you something…”

–

Friday morning was neither hauntingly ethereal nor gloriously radiant, or indeed ominous in any way, shape, or form, much to Dice Whirl the Neck Bearded’s annoyance as he opened the gates to the Necromancer’s Lair Games and Comics Shoppe and awaited the coming of the heroic masses who would battle for glory and valour. He wasn’t disappointed… okay, he was disappointed, because none of them were dressed for the occasion in the garb of fantasy adventurers, but he shouldn’t have been disappointed because they came in an eminently respectable number, trickling into his store in ones and twos and threes, and took their places on the field of strife.

In time, to Dice Whirl the Neck Bearded's joy, the crowd grew and prepared for battle. They mingled, appraising each other as potential opponents inbetween making small talk about the past week and how the relatives were doing. Every "How're you parents doing?" or "How about this weather, huh? The Pegasi have really outdone themselves lately," concealed a subtle barb, a a feint to test their target's reaction, their awareness, their way of thinking. Or so he liked to imagine.

A skilled duelist could read their opponent like a book, or so all the books on duel theory he had read insisted. Dice Whirl let his eyes pass over the room and fall on random competitors as he tried to peer into their innermost selves.

–

“This is gonna be awesome,” Spike said, doing his best to avoid squealing in his excitement.

Twilight said nothing. She was peering around the store with a frown, keeping a wary eye on the other players as they came in.

“Twilight?” Spike waved a claw in front of her eyes. “Something wrong?”

“There he is,” she hissed suddenly, and her eyes locked in a glare at the pony who had just entered the store. Spike turned to see who might have inspired such a reaction, but saw only the Cutie Mark Crusaders, accompanied by the two elder Apple siblings. Applejack waved at Twilight and Spike but stopped when she too noticed Twilight’s glare, directed at her brother.

Big Mac glared back. The stallion of few words had, Spike had to admit, a truly impressive glare.

“Mister Macintosh,” Twilight said in a tone so cold and sharp it could pass through a block of ice without leaving a mark.

“Miss Sparkle,” Big Mac answered without batting an eyelid.

“That’s Princess Twilight Sparkle to you,” Twilight snapped.

“Just what the hay has gotten into you two?” Applejack asked, looking from one to the other and back again before fixing her eyes on Spike, who shrugged.

“I am going to get her back, mister Macintosh, if I have to issue a royal decree and assemble a SWAP team to do it.”

“Nnope.”

–

"I do not see that there was anything wrong with my deck, Tia."

"I told you, sister, those old cards are so ludicrously powerful that they render the game all but unplayable! I think the game would be much more enjoyable for all of us if you got used to playing with more recent cards instead. That way everypony has a fair chance of making a suitably powerful deck. Not everypony can get their hooves on cards from over a thousand years ago, you know."

"They should just try harder. In a competitive marketplace the value you get out is correlated with the labor you put into it."

Celestia facehoofed. "Sister, I have warned you before about trying to apply lessons from economics and philosophy textbooks to casual social interactions. If this goes on I may have to restrict your library privileges."

"Thou wouldst not dare, tyrant!"

“Ugh!” Celestia grunted. “We will discuss this later, at home. Now we must put on our disguises before we enter Ponyville.”

Luna nodded, and the two alicorns each immersed themselves in a magic field, and began to change. They shrank down to the size of normal mares, their manes lost their ethereal nature and behaved as regular hair, Luna’s wings and Celestia’s horn were concealed by illusion, and their cutie marks were altered to not be immediately recognizeable.

“There,” Celestia said as their royal chariot came in for landing just outside the town. “Now, dearest cousin Moonrise, let us go enjoy ourselves with some casual games alongside our fellow ordinary ponies.”

“Certainly, beloved cousin Sunny Skies. I predict that we will destroy our opposition much as we destroyed Jormungandr the World Serpent at the dawn of time! The songs they will sing of our triumph today will be glorious!”

Celestia only sighed.

–

“So who else is coming?” Spike asked Applejack. “I don’t see the others here yet.”

“Rarity isn’t coming,” Sweetie Belle said. “I did what you asked and tried to get her to start playing the game,” Spike grinned nervously, his eyes shifting back and forth as Applejack turned an exasperated look on him. “But she said something about ‘a snowball’s chance in Tartarus that I’m setting hoof inside that filthy den’. I don’t know what she was talking about. I don’t see anything with tentacles anywhere.”

“RD and Fluttershy aint’ coming either,” Applejack said. “Ah asked Flutters the other day, and she said that RD had finally confessed her true feelins’ and the two of them were going for a romantic getaway to Acapulcolt this weekend.”

–

Well, Miriam, Rainbow Dash thought to herself as she stretched back on her folding chair down at the beach, you've really outdone yourself this time. This was absolute genius. Not only did you get Fluttershy away from that tournament, and get to go see the Wonderbolts next week, you got an awesome vacation in the sun too!

"Oh, Dashie sweetie, I saw the most adorable animal-patterned tablecloth in a store window earlier, we have to get it for the wedding!" Fluttershy said, flying down to grip her recently-acquired fiancee in a relentless snuggle.

"That's – great, Fluttershy," Rainbow said, trying to fit a hoof between them to use as a crowbar. Who knew Fluttershy could be so freakishly strong? After a while she gave up, finding no purchase, and gently patted her friend's back. "In fact, you should just go buy them right away. Wouldn't want somepony else to snatch them up while you're just sitting around, right?"

Fluttershy gasped. "You're right! And I saw some other mare looking at them too – but you have to come and tell me if you like them too."

Dash smiled. "Naw, I trust you, 'Shy. You just get what you think is best."

"Okay, hunnybun," Fluttershy said, and rubbed her nose against Dash's. She squeed. "I still can't believe you felt this way about me as well, and proposed to me with a trip to a tropical beach resort!"

"Hehe – yep, that's me, Rainbow Dash, mare of action. But you'd best get running or else..."

"Oh, right!" Fluttershy nodded and flew off faster than Dash had ever seen her go outside of an animal-related emergency.

Okay, so I had to tell Flutters that I'd always loved her and ask her to marry me to get her to come along. No big deal. She'll realize soon enough that we'd never work out together and call it off, and I'll hug her close and tell her that it's okay and that she needs to do what's right for her and we'll always be best friends.

It's not like I'm taking advantage of her. No funny stuff, saving it all for the honeymoon, first kiss during the ceremony and everything. Took me ages to convince her not to just pounce on me straight away. Rainbow Miriam Danger Dash is nothing if not a moral, integrit- integerate- good pony.

Dash laid back and stretched out luxuriously. Yup. I can't see any way that any part of this can possibly go wrong.

–

Celestia and Luna stepped nonchalantly into the game store, their disguises intact, receiving no more attention than anypony else in the store, right up until 'Sunny Skies' yelled "Hello everypony!" with childlike glee, causing everyone in the store to briefly look in their direction.

"Sister!" 'Moonrise' hissed at her under her breath. "Oh, so I can't even recite the Articles of Honorable Warfare without spoiling our ruse but it's okay for you to go attracting attention from everypony we meet?"

"I, dearest cousin, am just being casually pleasant. You, however, are a walking anachronism who cannot carry a conversation for five minutes without using aphorisms that went out of fashion eight hundred years ago," Sunny Skies said through her grin.

"There is nothing deficient about the phrase 'wide foal-bearing hips'. It is a pleasantry that any mare should be happy to receive."

Sunny Skies turned her attention back to the store, and her eyes lit up as she saw her student smiling and waving at her. Of course dearest Twilight would see right through my disguise, Sunny thought, but she’ll be discreet… well, as discreet as she is capable of, I'm sure. She waved her own hoof and was about to speak when Twilight cut her off.

“Hi Zecora!” Twilight said, walking right past the disguised princess to greet the zebra who had just stepped in behind her. “I wasn’t expecting to see you here. You play Magic?”

“Hello Twilight! I am here, and ready to kick some pony rear,” Zecora said. “My skills are honed, my deck is great, and the opposition I will devastate.”

Sunny watched, her grin frozen, her left eye beginning to twitch, while beside her Moonrise gripped her muzzle in two hooves to stop from laughing. However, all the chatter of the store fell silent when the door swung open to permit the next pony entrance. Moonrise's jaw dropped in shock. Sunny's eyes widened at first, but after a moment she burst out into an amused smile.

"Good day, my subjects!" said Princess Celestia, accompanied by a green-eyed royal guardspony. "I have come to try this card game that everypony has fallen in love with. This is the right place, correct?"

The Princess, Dice Whirl noted, had cut it very close, and mere seconds after her arrival he rang his bell to announce that the trials were about to begin, and that the contestants should find their places among the assembled playing tables to prepare.

Author's Note

IT BEGINS.

Originally this was supposed to just be another round of single-scene matches similar to those in the Equestrian Card Wars, but as I continued working on it the ideas grew and took on more story-like shapes. The end result is that the following chapters will be quite different in style, but hopefully still entertaining. The whole story has been written, and a new chapter will be appearing daily.

To the actual tournament players reading this: for my convenience, this story won't follow any sort of coherent tournament rules. Also, some ponies may act ridiculously, even obscenely OOC. Because it is funnier that way.

Be warned that this story contains some, shall we say, questionable humor.

The Challenge of the Necromancer – Part One: The First Battle

** "You are trapped in a web of illusions, Twilight Sparkle!" **

"So, who am I playing against first?" Twilight said out loud to nopony in particular as she found her seat. The seat opposite her was empty, right up until a burst of fireworks exploded not four feet away that threatened to blind and deafen the recent Princess, and when the smoke cleared, the seat was occupied.

"Oh," Twilight said, inbetween coughs. "Trixie. Of course."

"Yes! It is I, the great and powerful TRIXIE!" She threw her hooves up in her usual flamboyant gesture, as though she were waiting for imaginary applause to die down.

"What are you doing here, Trixie? I thought you had stopped trying to be my archenemy?"

"It is true! The great and apologetic Trixie no longer wishes to see you humiliated and disgraced, paraded on a leash before all your friends and neighbours after being forced to admit that Trixie is your superior while she holds you in- mmpph!"

"I'm just gonna stop you right there," Twilight said, holding Trixie's mouth shut with magic. “There are kids in here, you know.”

"Sorry," Trixie muttered sheepishly, and Twilight released her. "Anyway, Trixie only wishes to challenge you to a friendly game, to best you in a socially acceptable manner!"

"Fine," Twilight said. The two of them shuffled their decks and drew their starting cards, and rolled a die to determine who would go first, which Twilight won.

"I play an island," Twilight said. "Your turn."

"The Great and Powerful Trixie also plays an island! With its power, Trixie casts Phantasmal Bear!" She smirked. "Trixie, mistress of illusions, of course is able to summon illusionary creatures that are far more powerful than their low cost would suggest."

"Wait – you're playing what's basically an Ursa Minor?" Twilight looked at her skeptically.

Trixie blushed. "Trixie is completely able to control the power of the Ursa Minor! Trixie does not know what you are implying!"

Twilight rolled her eyes. "Fine."

"Your turn."

"I play a plains, and a New Prahv Unicorn. Your turn."

"Trixie plays an island, and attacks with the Ursa – I mean, Phantasmal Bear!"

"I'll take the damage. You're done?" Trixie nodded. "Then I play another plains, and my unicorn gives your bear flying. When any spell or ability hits your illusions, even a beneficial one, they evaporate. Your bear is gone. Your turn."

Trixie looked down at her suddenly-empty side of the table. "...Well, that doesn't matter! Trixie will simply play Mare of the Unreal, which means that now you can't target Trixie's illusions at all! So there! And then Trixie plays another island, and another Phantasmal Bear!" She laughed. "Now what will you do?"

"Banished to the Moon on your Lord of the Unreal. Then I can give flying to your new bear as well. They're both gone."

Trixie looked down at her once again empty side of the table. "Trixie would like to stop playing now."

"Alright."

"Trixie will be back soon."

"Of course you will."

–

** The Clone Wars. **

So this is weird, Silver Spoon thought to herself, as she sat down opposite the supreme ruler of Equestria and shuffled her deck. What do I say to the Princess? What would my etiquette tutor say? She rummaged around in her memories and came up with nothing. Those lessons don’t really have much to say about Magic: the Gathering. They would be much more enjoyable if they did. 'How to act when your opponent forces you to sacrifice all your creatures' would be really useful. “You play Magic, then, your highness?”

Celestia magically drew a hoof of cards, looked at them, and frowned in what struck Silver Spoon as uncharacteristic of her public persona. “Yes, little… creature, I am told that this card game is given much love, and I wish to investigate it as a possible source of nourishment for my— I mean, fun! A source of fun for my subjects.”

This is so weird, Silver Spoon thought again. She’s behaving very informally. I guess this counts as a casual social interaction? I have to adapt my behavior accordingly while remaining respectful. Take my cues from her. “Should we start?”

“Very well.”

Seven turns later, neither of them had played a spell.

On her eighth turn, Celestia played a Sliver, and passed the turn to Silver Spoon, who copied it with a Clone. Celestia copied that copy with a Clone of her own. Silver Spoon copied that, and Celestia copied that.

“Should we maybe just start over?” Silver Spoon suggested. Celestia nodded.

–

** The Triumph of the Human Spirit. **

“I had to buy fifty-four Whinnystrad boosters and trade a crapload of cards, but I finally got my human deck ready just in time for this,” Lyra said. “It’s all themed, it all synergizes, and there’s a cartload of fancy combos that will destroy everything anybody can throw at it.

“Anybody?” Lyra’s opponent, a blonde cross-eyed Pegasus mare, asked.

“It’s a thing humans say,” Lyra said. “I’ve carefully analyzed it and playtested it dozens of times against every mono-color and two-color combination. It’s unstoppable.”

“That’s cool,” Derpy said happily. “I didn't have a deck, so I just bought four of those card pack things and added some lands when I came in."

–

** The circle is complete. Now I am the Master. **

Sunny Skies discreetly glanced around the room, taking note of the various matches going on around her. There was ‘Celestia’ playing against a tense, silver-colored filly. In another corner, Moonrise sat looking exasperated as she struggled to understand the new cards in the deck Sunny had provided for her, while opposite her three little fillies sat huddled together behind one deck, arguing amongst themselves about what to play first, oblivious to the fact that they were revealing everything they had to their opponent. There was a mint green unicorn sobbing into her cards, for some reason. Twilight sat alone, for the moment, idly shuffling her cards with her magic, and observing the matches around her as well. Sunny Skies averted her eyes when Twilight’s glance moved in her direction, and settled on the zebra sitting across the table from her.

“A zebra, huh?” Sunny Skies asked, looking skeptically at Zecora as she drew her starting hoof. “What are you doing in Ponyville anyway?”

“Zecora is my name, and the Everfree Forest is my domain. I know many secret arts to help what ails each pony heart. From the wild herbs there I brew much physic, I also teach Princess Sparkle magic. Today, these magic cards I play to domineight everypony in my way.”

Sunny scoffed. “You, teach Princess Sparkle? Everypony knows Twilight Sparkle is Princess Celestia’s private student.”

Zecora chuckled as she expertly shuffled her cards. “The Sun Princess? You may see it yet – a mad old nag who treats Twilight as a pet. Here where the Princess does not see, Twilight seeks my help to set her free.”

Sunny harrumphed. “That’s ridiculous, why would Twilight ever want your help?”

“Twilight longs for a more secure space, and seeks comfort and wisdom in my soothing embrace. Celestia truly does not know, poor Twilight fears her foul love so. But that is only the iceberg’s tip: even Luna has tasted dear Twilight’s lips.”

Sunny’s eyes went wide as saucers and her jaw dropped. “What?” She turned and cast a murderous glare in Moonrise’s direction.

Zecora nodded. "I have earned Twilight Sparkle's trust, she comes to me to escape the sun's lust. My knowledge now she seeks instead, Celestia would only ever teach her in bed. For the Princess, Twilight holds a secret hate. I begin by playing a Golgari Guild Gate."

–

** The Quest for the Red Hind. **

Diamond Tiara looked at the card Applejack had just played. “That’s not a real card!”

“It’s plenty real enough for me,” Applejack said with a vicious glint in her eye. “Apple Family Honor: if an opponent bullies mah little sister, she gets a Grandpa Apple-style spankin’ until she can’t walk straight and cries ‘auntie’.”

“I play Cancel!” Diamond Tiara yelled back. “Your totally fake card is countered!”

“Apple Family Honor can’t be countered. Now lean over and spread em, you little beast.”

–

Silver Spoon was immersed in her own game against Princess Celestia when she heard her friend scream, and looked up just in time to see Diamond Tiara run out of the store, chased by the farm pony.

Sorry, DT, Silver Spoon thought. Right now you're not the highest-ranking pony around, and I need to suck up like I've never sucked before. "Oh wow, Princess, that's an excellent creature you just played," she said with a huge, admiring grin plastered on her face. "The, uh, Battle Sliver certainly is intimidating, and a great boost to the rest of your... sliver, changeling and clone army, Princess."

"Indeed," Princess Celestia said coldly, glaring suspiciously at the filly opposite her. "Obviously. That is why it is in my deck, cretin."

I never knew the Princess was so grumpy.

–

"Oh, this is… zebra apples!" Sunny Skies all but yelled in furious rage. "Twilight Sparkle adores the Princess! And the Princess would never do anything like that! Celestia loves all her subjects in a completely appropriate, non-creepy manner! And I play a plains!" She loudly slammed the card down on the table.

"You seem upset, you really do. Perhaps competition is not for you. It's no shame to not be in my class, but it does mean I will kick your—"

"I play Medomare the Ageless!" Sunny yelled, feeling like she was about to breathe smoke. "Now hurry up and get through your turn so that I can kill you!"

Zecora only smiled. "You should keep a calmer mind; to my Cockatrice queen you are quite blind. Monstrous now, she clears the skies, then turns to make you face her eyes."

"Would you just say what you're doing in a way that makes sense?!"

Zecora rolled her eyes. "All your creatures have been savaged, so I attack for fatal damage.” Sunny’s fury was put on hold as the message sank in, and the full consequences.

Zecora chuckled. “It seems your deck is out of stock. Now join Luna and Twilight and suck my—"

The zebra was interrupted by the explosion at Moonrise's table just a few yards away, but she did notice the momentary flicker over Sunny Skies' invisible horn, and smiled.

Sunny Skies slumped back in her seat, defeated. Silently, she picked up her deck and stumbled away from the table towards Moonrise, ignoring the cries of the Cutie Mark Crusaders ("That explosion wasn't even one of ours!" Scootaloo protested. "Can't you tell?!") as Dice Whirl kicked them out of the store.

–

As the day wore on, Rainbow Dash was beginning to reappraise her strategy. In spite of Dash’s best efforts, Fluttershy had dragged her into town on a shopping trip, away from their hotel, away from the beach, and away from Dash’s bed. Rather than napping in the sun, she was being dragged from one store to the next to look at, buy, and carry everything from crystalware to kitchen appliances to automatic horseshoe-fitters for all ages (“For when we have our own family, of course,” Fluttershy had said, and it was the struggle of Dash’s life to not launch into sonic rainboom-speeds immediately).

This was not how she had planned to spend the weekend. Not only that, but if anything Fluttershy seemed to be getting more excited about their upcoming marriage with each passing minute, not less.

“Do you really wanna do all this now, Flutters?” Dash asked. “Don’t you think you should wait until we get back to Ponyville, and let Rarity handle it? You know she’s gonna wanna be in charge of decorating the wedding.”

“Oh, I know she will… I’m sorry, I’m just so excited!” Fluttershy squealed and snuggled up to Dash’s side. “And I just want the wedding to be about us, Dashiebun, so when I saw this porcelain set with the wings engraved around the rim of the plates and the name tags with the rainbow pattern, I couldn’t help but think of you.”

Dash nodded slowly. She needed another plan, something equal or greater in brilliance to the plan that got them here in the first place. She frowned. She wasn’t sure she could be quite that brilliant again so soon. “Fluttershy,” she said, affecting a nervous tone, “I have something else to tell you. Something important.”

Fluttershy turned to face Dash with eyes full of concern. “Oh? What is it, Dashiekins?”

“I… I have an incurable disease. I’m doomed to die young. That’s why I always push myself so hard and don’t care about the risks. Because I know I’m not going to have a future no matter what.”

“Dash…” Fluttershy’s eyes were wobbling, her voice cracking with fear. “What is it? What’s wrong with you?”

“I… I have wing cancer. There, I admitted it!” Dash turned away with a flourish. “I’ve never told anypony before now, but now that you’re here… I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, Fluttershy, but you were just so happy and I couldn’t stand to hurt you! But you need to know.” She slumped forward, sighing. “I know that unless some kind of miracle occurs that cures me completely overnight for no understandable reason, I’m going to be dead in five years. I’ve made my peace with it. But I can’t force you to be there to watch me die. So… I understand completely if you want to break off our engagement and go back to just being friends—” Fluttershy had put her hoof against Dash’s mouth. Tears were welling up in her eyes.

“Dash,” she barely managed to croak. “Listen to me." She took a deep breath and began to speak, and as she spoke her voice gradually grew in strength and confidence. "You’re the bravest pony I’ve ever met, and you’ve always been there for me, ever since we first met at flight camp. You've always put everypony else first, and when somepony needs help you don't even stop to think before you drop everything and rush to their aid. I've had feelings for you ever since we were little, but until you confessed to me this week I always thought you deserved somepony better and stronger, somepony as wonderful as you rather than timid little Fluttershy... But you chose me, and I can never repay you for that!" Fluttershy pulled her fiancee close. "Telling me about your disease and all the pain you've suffered made me understand so much... and that’s why I’m promising you, right now, that you are never going to have to face the world alone ever again, I am never going to let you go into that darkness again…! Because I love you, Dashiesnoo, and no matter what happens we will go through it together!”

Dash was shaking with sobs pushing to escape, and when Fluttershy gripped her in an inescapable hug she could no longer hold them back, and erupted into wild, heaving bawling. “Dammit, Fluttershy,” Dash cried as she clung to her fiancée. “You’re so good to me, I don’t deserve you! I promise I’ll make the time we have together the best it can possibly be!”

It was only after spending several minutes mentally cursing the cruel fates that would cut her life all too short, and vowing to be the best wife for Fluttershy that anypony could be in the brief time they'd have together, that Dash remembered that she had made it all up.

Author's Note

The battle rages on, and the fate of Ponyville hangs in the balance.
Or maybe just the self-esteem of a handful of ponies hangs in the balance.

Links to cards in the text: handy or obnoxious?

Dammit Dash...

The Challenge of the Necromancer – Part Two: The Turn of the Tide

** Your failure was foretold in the stars, knave **

Not many of Ponyville's residents knew that the Smarty Pants Incident had never actually ended.

Certainly, Twilight Sparkle was not terribly keen on announcing the fact that, before her friends had burst into the library to beg Princess Celestia not to take her away, Celestia had already decided on a different punishment, one which would remind Twilight Sparkle always of the need to exercise her magic with care and discretion.

Only Twilight Sparkle knew that, when Celestia dispelled the enchantment on her doll and wiped the spell's effects from the minds of everypony around, she had left it intact on Big Macintosh alone. When Twilight had complained about this, and accused the Sun Princess of hypocrisy in using magic to warp ponies' minds, Celestia replied that she always thought Big Mac could use a little variety in his life of farm labor, and that having something else to occupy his thoughts would be good for him.

That night, Twilight Sparkle stealthily made her way into Sweet Apple Acres, and stole her doll back from right out of Big Mac's sleeping embrace. She returned to Golden Oaks Library and went to sleep clutching Smarty Pants tightly, for the first time in years.

When she woke up the next morning, Smarty Pants was gone and the library floor had large, muddy hoofprints leading from a disassembled window frame up to Twilight's room and back, as well as a lingering smell of apples.

Since then, there had been a constantly escalating war being fought behind the scenes of Ponyville, as both sides erected new defenses and sought new weapons to slip through the enemy's lines to capture the prize. Smarty Pants had been claimed and reclaimed over fifty times in the year and a half before Twilight Sparkle's coronation. The last time Twilight seized her doll, taking the occasion to make the first display of her full Alicorn power, she truly believed that was the end of it.

She was wrong.

“I want to make a wager,” Twilight said, her eyes locked on the big red stallion.

“Oh?” he replied simply, shuffling his deck expertly with his hooves.

“This match, right here, right now. Winner takes Smarty Pants, for good. No more stealing, no more tricks, no more sneaking around.” No more spending half my royal research stipend on home defense and home invasion spell ingredients, I’m sure the bursar’s office is beginning to suspect something, she silently finished.

Big Mac’s eyes narrowed. “Why should Ah trust you?”

“What, the word of a Princess isn’t good enough for you?” She feigned shock, poorly. Big Mac was unmoved. Twilight looked around the room at the milling crowd of ponies waiting for the next set of matches. “Oh! Princess Celestia!” Twilight waved at Celestia, who seemed to be carefully checking her appearance in a small mirror, levitated in a green aura. “Princess Celestia! Princess Celestia!”

The royal guard nudged the Princess, who after a second of glancing around, seemed to suddenly realize she was being hailed, and approached. "I hear you, Twinight. For what purpose do you claim my time?" she demanded.

“I'm terribly sorry, Princess, this will just take a second. And Zecora, if you would come too please,” Twilight said, and the zebra approached with a smile. “With my mentors as my witnesses, I give my word that I, Princess Twilight Sparkle of Equestria, will give up my claim on Smarty Pants, for good, if I lose this match. Will you swear the same?”

“Eeyup,” Big Mac said, smiling beneath too-cunning eyes.

“But why should I trust you?” Twilight asked sharply.

“Hrm. Hey Appleja—” Big Mac began, before remembering that she had run off. “Apple Bl— Nope..." He looked around the room, searching for a suitable pair of witnesses.

–

** The Pillage of Meletis. **

"That treacherous little minx..." Sunny muttered under her breath as she glared daggers at the group two tables over. “After everything I’ve given her, she doesn’t even recognize me…”

“Forgive me for inquiring, but was that not precisely our intent in adopting these deceptive ‘guises of dis’ before we made our entrance to this establishment?” Moonrise asked as she struggled to wipe the soot from her face. “And honestly, dear cousin, was that conflagration really necessary? The smell of charred hair has not ceased to be utterly abhorrent in my absence.”

Sunny huffed at her, and turned away. “I have nothing more to say to you until you apologize. Mother taught you to share, you know!”

Moonrise stared at her blankly. “I fear the matter of your discourse eludes me, dearest cousin. It is time for me to locate my next match. Good luck against your next opponent, oh beloved Sunny Skies.”

“Fine,” Sunny snapped, refusing to face her sister, who sighed and trotted away. “Hmpf,” Sunny muttered to herself. “I pity whoever is my next opponent. I feel like obliterating somepony.”

“You’re Sunny Skies?” Her next opponent plopped down on the chair opposite her. “I’m Spike.”

Sunny grinned, her teeth glinting in the light.

–

Twilight smiled wickedly to herself as she watched Big Mac amble around the game store searching for witnesses. He has no idea. She mentally went over the plan for the fortieth time that morning. Thank Celestia I found that conditional time-loop spell. This is perfect. We both agree to abide by the result of the match, but unless he loses, time will rewind to the beginning of the match and I try again, now prepared for what he will throw at me. No,conscience, that absolutely isn't cheating. Since we're still playing the same match, technically I'm not violating the terms of the bet. He doesn't stand a chance, and once I win he'll give her up forever! No Apple would ever welch on a bet. She squealed in anticipation.

"Alright, then," Big Mac drawled when he returned to the table. "With Vinyl Scratch—”

“Yo!”

“—and Derpy Hooves as mah witnesses—”

“Hi!” The blonde Pegasus waved excitedly to everyone.

“Ah accept Twilight Sparkle’s terms, that the winner of this match gets Smarty.”

"Agreed," Twilight said. Their eyes locked together in steely resolve, daring the other to blink first.

"Well," Big Mac said, "Ah suppose we should get started."

"Indeed," Twilight said coldly. A second passed before they both moved to sit down at their table.

"The great and powerful Trixie has this match against Twilight Sparkle!"

Twilight jumped from the sudden shout immediately behind her. From nowhere, Trixie swept in and sat down in the chair opposite her, shoving Big Mac out of the way.

Trixie smiled innocently as everypony there looked at her.

"Trixie," an exasperated Twilight said, "I already played against you. This match is between me and Big Macintosh."

"Trixie has the official match list right here, and it says Trixie will now play against Twilight Sparkle. Trixie has a new deck of unstoppable power which is sure to win!" Trixie held up a sheet of paper with her magic.

"We looked at the official match list not five minutes ago, and it said it was me against him," Twilight said.

"Trixie does not claim to understand the vagaries of the match list," the unicorn said dismissively. "Fate works in mysterious ways. But Trixie insists on playing this match against Twilight Sparkle. Large Macintosh is listed to play against somepony named Silver Spoon. He should go off to do so."

"Let me see that," Twilight snatched the paper from Trixie's grip. "This actually says 'Large Macintosh'. You know that's not his name?"

"Is it not? How peculiar."

–

** The Strength of the Phalanx **

“I don’t believe this,” Gilda muttered. “I learn to play this stupid loser game just because Rainbow Dash plays it. I even get a penpal here under a fake name just so I’ll know when there’s a big game going on, and I come all the way from frigging Mosclaw to this dweebsville to finally get even with Rainbow Dash for dumping me, and she isn’t even here!”

“That’s right!” Pinkie replied with a huge smile on her face. “Actually Rainbow Dash is in love with Fluttershy, so she not only dumped you, she hooked up with a pony that’s as opposite from you as is possible! Except you both have wings, but Fluttershy almost never flies if she doesn’t have to, so that still counts.”

"Gee, thanks," Gilda growled. "I almost didn't get that part."

"You're welcome!" Pinkie said, giggling. “So, I cast Act of Treason on your Feathermane Avenger, and attack you with her and two Diamond Dog Cadets, so Feathermane Avenger's Battalion triggers and hits you. Do you block the Cadets?”

Gilda looked like she was about to snap, her talons scraping down the back of her cards. “I don't block,” Gilda muttered through her clenched beak, and wrote down the damage. “I'm not giving you my Tauric, Blade of the Flock as well. My turn?” Pinkie nodded. Gilda took back her Avenger and drew a card. “Griffin Guide on Tauric, him and my Avenger attack for seven damage. Next turn you're dead, dweeb! Go.”

Pinkie smiled, nodded, and drew a card. “Okay, I cast Confusion in the Ranks, and then I cast a crocodile for you to play with while I hang out with your Avenger some more.”

Gilda let loose a mighty roar that turned to weak sobbing as her breath ran out. “Stop stealing all my friends!”

–

** No Honor Among Thieves **

"Bow before your Princess, subject!" Celestia bellowed. "Your Princess demands your adoration! She demands that you play this game against her with much powerful love!"

"Hi, Chrys," Moonrise said. "How's it going?"

"Oh, hey Moonie, I’m okay." Celestia blinked. "Moonie!" She leapt across the table and snatched the alicorn-unicorn in a hug. "Wait, you saw right through my disguise?"

"Well, duh! I only taught you that disguise myself when we were roommates!"

“Gah!” Celestia facehoofed. “Of course! I totally forgot.”

"So whatcha doing here? The Hive plays Magic now?"

"Not quite," Celestia said. "The drones do not possess the mental faculties required for games of strategy. But I am investigating alternate sources of sustenance, and I understand this card game is much loved. Also I required a vacation, and they tell me Ponyville is adequately pleasant in this season. The villagers are comporting themselves with tolerable decorum. In fact our first opponent desired to attach herself to our royal entourage. I accepted her submission and have already initiated her into my service."

–

** We Feed Upon The Roots Of The World. **

Big Mac didn't get out from the farm much. Sure, he would occasionally work the apple stand on market day, and get decent sales as Ponyville's available mares flocked around him, but really it was Applejack who was the salespony in the family, and Big Mac preferred to keep to himself. As a result, he didn't know everypony in town, and the little filly sitting across the table was a mystery to him. She matched the description Big Mac had heard of the second of the two bullies who were always teasing his baby sister and her friends, but from what he'd heard of her behavior...

Maybe this was just how she acted when she wasn't around her friend, the little pink filly that Big Mac had seen Applejack going after earlier. "Ready?"

"All shall become one with the Swarm," the silver-colored filly said, her words reverberating with the sound of a thousand voices. "The hive hungers."

"Eeyup..."

–

** The Drums of War **

"Your forces in a shameful state, I eviscerate and emasculate," Zecora said, grinning, as she laid waste to everything the unicorn threw at her. "To see your broken battalion, I wish you were a stallion."

"A stallion?" Vinyl Scratch said, leaning forward eagerly to catch each word. "Why?"

"Had you a stallion's physical state, as I ravage your armies oh so great, the pounding I give to your prostate would at least give some pleasure in your fate."

Vinyl Scratch fell over backwards as she erupted into hysterical laughter. "This is so awesome!" she cried. "You need to come over to my place and record a rap album! This is bucking gold!"

–

Spike was going to have nightmares about this.

"So, I attack you, and when I deal damage I gain life, and when I gain life I draw cards, and since Medomare hits you I get to take an extra turn after this one, and now my life total is at... 85, and yours is...?"

"Two," Spike said, his voice cracking.

"I could kill you right now, of course," Sunny said, her voice sultry and vicious. Spike shivered at the sound, feeling violated. "You're completely defenseless before me, broken and exhausted, all your dragonfire used up... but where's the fun in that?"

"Please..." Spike begged, curling up in his chair. "Make it stop... Just let me die."

"Oh, very well then, since you beg," Sunny said, and tapped all her creatures. "Seven flying warriors attack for a total of twenty-six damage." Spike looked up cautiously, hoping his suffering was finally over. "Oh, but wait! There is one other thing..." Sunny tapped six lands and one artifact. "I use my Soul Conduit. We switch life totals. I guess you're not dead after all. So!" She looked over the battlefield. "I deal twenty-six damage, gain as much life, draw seven cards, and now I have 28 total, and you have a very respectable 59... You can take plenty more punishment before this ends, believe me."

"Why are you doing this to me?" Spike sobbed. "Why won't you just let me concede?"

"Because you still haven't suffered enough!"

–

"I'll be honest..." Twilight began, "I actually cannot believe you fell for that."

Trixie would have nodded, but she was lying with her face flat on the table in abject disgust at her own recent action.

"I mean, for starters I thought for sure you would have taken the time to actually read the card and see what it does, rather than just take my word that it was the most incredibly powerful artifact ever printed."

Trixie twisted her head so she was resting on her chin and contorted her eyes to focus on the card, getting a headache as she did so. Irrelevant. Trixie the greatly moronic does not deserve to use magic or avoid headaches.

The Paper Tiger stared back at her.

"And the fact that you didn't notice how I dug the card out of my binder and put it on top of my deck in the middle of the match, even though you're a practised stage magician and should have been able to see through my crude sleight of hoof from a mile away."

"You would think so," Trixie muttered. "Apparently you would be wrong."

"But really, the bit where you actually traded it for your Alicorn Monument..." Twilight rubbed her chin, puzzled. "Why would you even have Boots of Chaos in your deck in the first place?"

"I thought maybe I would go up against something more powerful and... Look, it doesn't matter. The Great and Sorrowful Trixie is going to go sit alone someplace and think about how she sunk so low, okay?"

“Well, alright,” Twilight said as her self-declared rival slowly walked away, her head hanging low.

–

It was the middle of the night and Rainbow Dash lay wide awake, staring at the ceiling with bloodshot eyes, breathing in gasps and sputters. The AC unit in their room was busted, and the air was stifling, as thick and heavy as syrup in Dash's lungs. She felt like she was dying. She had been lying like this for hours, unable to sleep, unable to do anything but slowly suffocate in Fluttershy's sleeping grip.

Dash tossed her head back and forth, trying to get into a position where Fluttershy's mane wasn't blocking her muzzle and making it even harder to breathe. This was made more difficult by the fact that all four of Fluttershy's legs were wrapped tightly around her in an immovable death-cuddle, her head resting on Dash's chest.

This is what you get for trying to be nice, Miriam, Dash thought to herself. You said you'd be with Flutters 'til death do you part, and here you are already fulfilling your promise. She tried to draw a deep breath, and felt her ribs complain as they were pressed between her inflating lungs, and Fluttershy's unyielding embrace. I'm starting to think maybe this wasn't the greatest idea I've ever had after all.

Dash turned her head to glance down at Fluttershy, and couldn't help but give a weak smile at the look of utter peaceful bliss on the yellow pegasus's face. Funny. I don't think I've ever seen her be happier than she's been on this trip. It's like being with me was secretly her biggest dream all along.

Dash let that thought sit in her head for a minute. I guess I've really messed this up, huh. Well, tomorrow I'll come clean and try to fix this... and in the meantime... this'll be my self-imposed punishment for messing with my friend's feelings. Dash sighed, her nose twitching as strands of Fluttershy's mane brushed against it. At least she smells nice... huh... she really does smell nice, actually. Must be some kinda fancy spa shampoo. I'll have to ask her about that... in the morning...

And then Dash passed out from heat stroke.

Author's Note

Yeah, I don't even know anymore.

Just so people are not taken by surprise one way or another, I should probably say that we are now halfway, there are six chapters total, but that the climax, if that word is appropriate here, will be in the fourth chapter.

The Challenge of the Necromancer – Part Three: The Betrayal at Whitetail

“Are you here to apologize?” Sunny asked.

“Verily, I still have not gleaned what transgression is in your thoughts for which you desire that I display remorse, dearest cousin,” Moonrise mumbled hurriedly. “I must tell you, I spoke to 'Princess Celestia' in the last match.”

”Mmmph?”

Sunny gave a nod completely devoid of interest. “Indeed. And?”

“It seems Equestria's beloved ruler wants to 'feel the love' her subjects have for this card game first-hoof. I would not be concerned, except... well, I believe she has nabbed a foal who stepped too close to our beloved Princess.”

Sunny's eyes perked up at that. “Oh really?”

“Please, dearest cousin!” Moonrise gave Sunny her best doe eyes, a technique she had honed over a thousand years to the point where it had been known to set random objects on fire. “Whatever troubles your heart, do not let it stop you from protecting your innocent subjects. For me?”

Sunny sighed. “Oh, all right, I'll look into it.”

"Mmmphmph!"

“Thank you!” Moonrise nuzzled her relative, then stood still and listened carefully. “Cousin?”

“Yes, Moonrise?”

“Did I just hear something inside your saddlebag trying to speak?”

Sunny smiled, showing glinting teeth. “I’m sure that was only your imagination, Moonrise.”

”Mmmph!!”

–

** Never get involved in a land war on Sweet Apple Acres. **

"Do you see her anywhere?"

"Eeyup."

Twilight looked over to where Big Mac was pointing, and saw Trixie sitting by herself, listlessly staring at the table. She was easy to spot, since the crowd had steadily thinned out as early losers and victims of strange and peculiar incidents had left the store.

“Doesn't look like she's going to interrupt us again,” Twilight said quietly, as if not to tempt fate. "So, same as we said before, the winner gets Smarty. Yes?"

Big Mac watched her intently, unmoving. “You're up to somethin'. Ah kin tell.”

Twilight sighed. “You're not really going to make me round up everypony just so we can repeat the vow that we already made, are you?” Big Mac hesitated, then shook his head. “Great. So, the winner gets Smarty then.” Big Mac nodded.

“Yup! Sounds good to me!” Pinkie Pie said from a third seat which had spontaneously appeared on one side of their table.

Twilight gnashed her teeth. “Pinkie? What are you doing?”

"I'm playing with you guys this round," she said cheerfully. "I know it didn't say so on the list, but my opponent had to go and there's an odd number of ponies left so I had to be shoved in somewhere and Dice Whirl rolled a d11 and your number came up and now I'm here and this is gonna be great because with more players it's less like a duel and more like a party!" She blew a kazoo that appeared out of nowhere as the table shook from a small blast from the Party Cannon, leaving the three ponies and their table buried beneath a layer of party supplies.

Twilight took a deep breath, and swept away her stress with a gesture of her hoof. “You know what? This is okay. Because you and I, Big Mac, are still playing against each other, and whichever one of us wins, or loses last if Pinkie wins, gets Smarty.” And if Pinkie beats me the spell will still activate, so I just have to keep going until I beat both of them, Twilight thought to herself. “You're not part of the wager, Pinkie, so you won't get her even if you win. I hope you don't object to that, but it won't change anything if you do. Because Smarty Pants is mine.”

Big Mac muttered a quiet “nope” beneath his breath, but Pinkie nodded. “Oh, sure,” the pink pony said. “I'm just happy to be playing against some of my bestest friends. The first two rounds I played ended in self-inflicted injuries.”

–

** There can only be one Lord of the Shadowlands. **

Gilda muttered something that could have been an apology for the delay, walking up to the table with a limp and resting a leg wrapped in a blood-stained paper towel on the table. Then she sighed, and dropped her head.

For several minutes, she and Trixie sat opposite one another and stared down at the table, occasionally sighing, occasionally glancing up at the other, but saying nothing.

“Today sucks,” Trixie eventually said.

“Yeah,” Gilda replied. “Wanna talk about it?”

–

** It is better to be both loved and feared, than never to be loved at all. **

“Bow before your Princess, commoner!” Celestia said as Sunny Skies made to sit down opposite her. “We will permit you to play a game with us, upon the understanding that you will not dare to oppose my glorious march to victory, lest I banish you to the moon!”

“That's cute,” Sunny Skies replied, a coy smile on her face, “but I'm the one who's in charge of banishings, and honestly? The moon is reserved for an altogether higher caliber of villain. I think the Froggy Bottom Bog hydra-pit is free at the moment, however.”

“Ah yes,” Celestia said, her eyes narrowing. “With Moonrise here, I suppose it was natural you would be nearby as well. Still can't let her out on her own, then?”

“Nonsense. I happen to greatly enjoy spending time with my sister, and want to share in her discoveries as she gets to know the modern world.”

–

** Zebra Don't Surf! **

“Pray tell, what manner of creature art thou?” Moonrise asked as she played her first swamp. “Make thy move.”

Zecora had not been expecting an opening like that, but replied effortlessly: “A daughter of the Zebra tribe, I travel through lands far and wide. I seek cunning enemies upon which to hone my skills, and enter many killing sprees, leaving many graves to fill.” She played her own first land, a forest, and a scorpion creature. “Beware its venom, though you may find that its and mine are of one kind.”

“Marvellous!” Moonrise played an island and an Omenspeaker Unicorn. “Is your owner nearby? I should like to meet her as well.”

Moonrise did not notice the look of utter revulsion flash across Zecora's face, as her attention was fully focused on scrying. “Madam, you are very bold, such a thing I never before was told! Though Ponyville once feared me greatly, never did anypony dare so insult me!”

This made Moonrise look up at her opponent with a confused grimace. “What dost thou speak of? First our sister—I mean, my cousin hurls vituperations my way without rhyme nor reason, and now a zebra wench calls me bold? What madness hath afflicted the world today?”

Zecora's eyes lit up in understanding, and she smiled. “We speak past one another, my dear! You should know that no zebra has been 'owned' for many a year. Centuries have passed since that dark age, but perhaps not everypony knows. They might have spent a thousand years under a rock, I suppose.”

Moonrise's face froze. “What, prithee, didst thou just say to me?”

“My pardon if I have offended. I live alone, and in solitude and darkness have descended, to forget among other ponies how to act, and make of myself a royal buffoon with no tact. You understand my meaning, I am sure, and I fear for such ignorance there is no easy cure.”

Moonrise ground her teeth together. The temperature sank around her, and her lip curled into a sneer. “Is that the game we shall play, then?”

“I play many games, and well. I'll leave you as a hollowed shell.”

“No quarter shall be asked, or given.”

–

“...All right, and sometimes I have to stop her from doing incredibly stupid things,” Sunny Skies admitted.

“Well then, you should run off and do so now. Your Princess graciously accept your forfeit.”

Sunny shook her head. “Luna is on her own for the moment. You and I need to talk, 'Princess'. I am not going to let you steal away that foal.”

“Steal?” Celestia gasped in mock horror. “What an accusation! That... colt?” Sunny shook her head again. “No? Filly? That filly came to me freely and pleaded with me to accept her into my service. I did so.”

Sunny rolled her eyes. “Listen... I don't want to start a panic. Just cooperate, and I'll permit you to leave quietly.”

Celestia huffed and crossed her forelegs. “A panic bothers me not. Let your ponies fear me, and know that they are unsafe! What do I care? However...” Celestia smirked as Sunny glared at her. “I have an idea. This foal matters little to me. Let us play for her. If you win, you may have her. But if I win, what will you offer me in turn?”

Sunny's glare softened to a wry grin. “Oh... I have something, as it happens.”

“Mmmppph?”

–

“Nay, goodwife, thy hips are NARROW and ill-suited for foalbearing!” Moonrise tapped a swamp and cast Dark Betrayal on Zecora's Cockatrice Queen as she snarled. “If indeed those are thy hips, I find it difficult to tell which end of thee I am looking at! Tell me, are your alchemical pursuits rooted in the fact that the only way thee can warm thy bed is by use of a love potion? Or perhaps thou art a master artisan in the crafting of cider spectacles? Your turn!”

“Amusing words to hear from you, who hides your face and body true.” Zecora drew a card and cast Abrupt Decay on Moonrise's prized Nightmare Weaver Planeswalker, destroying it and drawing a pained squeal from the dark unicorn. “So used to being shunned on sight, a paltry form now covers Princess Night. Is it rejection that you fear, that you skulk so pathetically here? Your sister dragged you here, did she not, to get you off your royal plot! Go ahead and make your move – your misery will not be soothed.”

“That was my favorite card!” Moonrise screamed. “You—you—Coprophage! I live in a palace surrounded by adherents and celebrants, everything I desire is placed by mine hoof for the taking. I need not listen to the demented ramblings of some filthy outcast zibber!”

Moonrise felt her heart pounding with excitement, deep breaths as the adrenaline pumped through her. It took a second before she noticed that Zecora’s sat slack-jawed and for the first time ever seemed entirely lost for words. Then she noticed that the store was utterly silent, and every pair of eyes were looking directly at her, horrified.

A shadow fell on her and she looked up to see the stern form of Dice Whirl the Neck Bearded in his pointy hat. “Miss,” he said coldly, “I am going to have to ask you to leave.”

“But—”

“Now, miss.”

–

“Why are you doing this anyway? Don't you have anything better to do with your time? My knights attack.”

“My changeling blocks your weak knight, the other goes through, I take three damage. I am only looking out for the interests of my subjects. Is that thought so alien to you, miss 'I'm busy, let some kids handle it'?”

Sunny chuckled. “I'm proud and happy that my subjects can protect themselves, and don't need me constantly hovering over them and telling them what to do. Raising strong children is what a good mother does. Tell me, what is the average age a changeling drone moves away from home? Your turn.”

“Grrgh... I play a forest, tap two mana to play Manaweft Sliver, tap my changelings for mana and play Megantic Sliver. You put too much faith in your heroes,” Celestia hissed the word. “My army has no need of individual ambition. Our unity makes us the strongest force in the world! Your turn.”

“You're nothing but a petty tyrant, forcing your entire tribe to slave for your mad whims! I will defeat you and free all those you have enslaved! When you are gone I shall institute a Republic and allow the citizens to decide their own fate.”

“Wait, hold on,” Celestia said, confused. “aren't you a supreme dictator in your own land?”

Sunny paused. “Um, well...”

“And isn't Canterlot ruled by a feudal elite whose inherited wealth and privilege puts them beyond the reach of the law?”

“Look, I am an enlighened and benevolent ruler who has overseen a thousand years of peace and pros—”

“Yeah yeah, but you just said 'republic' and 'tyranny' as self-evident synonyms of good and evil, even though you are yourself a literal tyrant. And, actually, what I just said about 'strength in unity', isn't that the guiding principle of Equestrian society? Come to think of it, your six champions and their 'magic of friendship' are almost exactly like my Swarm, each link in the chain making the whole stronger.”

“Look, you're still a tyrant in a much more direct and immediate sense. I let my ponies lead their lives freely, and I help them thrive. Your entire society is made up of soldiers and spies that take orders directly from you, while you control every intimate aspect of their lives! When was the last time you let one of your underlings do anything they wanted?”

Celestia rolled her eyes. “Have you ever tried holding a conversation with a drone? They're not great thinkers. The moment I leave them to their own devices they get their heads stuck in jars, or fly straight into the mouths of bears! You compared yourself to a mother for your ponies, but I'm the literal mother of a swarm several thousand strong who never reach above the mental age of a two-year old foal, who are utterly dependant on me alone for their survival.” Here Celestia's voice began to crack, and she whipped an accusing hoof towards Sunny. “Do you think it's easy, having that kind of responsibility? Do you think I don't sob myself to sleep every night, wishing that my children were as resourceful and self-sufficient as yours? Do you think I even want to do this?”

–

Any half-way socially aware pony would look at the three-way matchup between Twilight Sparkle, Big Macintosh and Pinkie Pie, and think "this setup is perfect for a war of diplomacy where Twilight and Big Mac will both try to bribe, threaten, plead and cajole Pinkie into helping one against the other, quickly escalating to absurd levels."

However, since this was after all a matchup between Twilight Sparkle, Big Macintosh, and Pinkie Pie, there was none of that, and really that's just as well, because an exciting and dynamic matchup never beats a good anti-climax, right?

Pinkie bit her lip nervously. "I think it's a tie."

"How?" Twilight said, gnashing and grinding her teeth together. "How is that possible?"

"Well... Big Mac is already at zero life points after we did that really exciting and dynamic double-reverse-backstab ploy, right? But he was still in the game because of the Discordian Persecutor, and then he attacked both of us when our defences were down and beat you down to zero life, and he'll beat me down to zero life if I don't block, and I'll die and you'll both be dead, or if I block with Persecutor then Persecutor will die and then I guess technically I'll win but Big Mac will have killed both you and himself. So... I think it's a tie."

“It can't be a tie!” Twilight yelled, getting up and slamming her forehooves into the table, her wings fully extended and twitching.

She took a deep breath, and exhaled slowly, sinking back into her chair. “It's okay, this is okay... We'll just play another round, and whoever wins that—”

Dice Whirl's voice called out across the store. “Please finish up all matches, the next round begins in five minutes!”

“But—” Twilight felt the magic in her spell peter out and die, faced with an outcome it did not recognize, as Big Mac packed his deck into its box. Then he walked away with a smug smile, and Smarty Pants's face sticking out of the flap on his saddlebag.

Twilight sank her face in her hooves and sobbed.

–

Gradually, Twilight became aware of another voice sobbing nearby, a voice that rang a bell in her consciousness. Princess Celestia? Her eyes shot wide open, she rose up on her hind legs and turned to find her mentor as her most ingrained instincts took over control of her mind: Prime directive – serve and comfort Princess Celestia.

Princess Celestia was sitting hunched over one of the playing tables, her game seemingly completely forgotten. Sitting opposite her was a white, pale pink-maned pegasus who seemed vaguely familiar to Twilight, though she couldn't quite place her. The pegasus was biting her lip, her eyes shifting back and forth, looking incredibly uncomfortable beside the weeping Princess.

In a flash of light Twilight teleported to her mentor's side, and gently nuzzled her. “Princess? What in Equestria is wrong? Can I help you? Would you like something to drink? To eat? A rest? I'm not sure there are any couches nearby but if you want you can use me as a cushion? Would you like to wash your face? I don't have any hoofkerchiefs but you can use my fur, I won't mind!” Twilight turned an angry, inquiring glare on Sunny, whose jaw had dropped open.

Sunny was furious. Twilight had been ignoring her all day, she had been insulted to her face by a zebra, her student and her sister had possibly been doing things behind her flank, Queen Chrysalis had called her a tyrant, and now Twilight was doting on that impostor and staring Sunny down with murder in her eyes. Sunny's eyes flickered from Twilight to the weeping form of 'Princess Celestia'...

...and Celestia was looking directly back at Sunny with those cunning eyes. Something clicked, and they both understood, and they both understood that they both understood, and they both opened their mouths to shout but 'Princess Celestia' was just an infinitesimal bit quicker—

“Twinight, this mare is behaving suspiciously!” Princess Celestia cried. “Scan her for me!”

“Certainly, Princess Celestia!” Twilight said and fired a beam from her horn at Sunny Skies. Twilight gasped. “She's wearing a magical disguise! CHANGELING!!”

As the entire game store gasped and flocked around them, Sunny groaned, and rose up from her seat. “ENOUGH!” She roared in the Royal Canterlot Voice, and dispelled the illusion, revealing herself as Princess Celestia. “I have had enough of this lunacy!”

Twilight gasped again. “No ordinary changeling drone is powerful enough to impersonate an Alicorn!”

“Exactly,” the real Celestia said. “Now, Twilight, I need you to—”

“It must be Queen Chrysalis herself! EVERYPONY ATTACK!”

Celestia's attempt to speak was immediately interrupted by Big Mac bucking her in the face, followed by two dozen ponies leaping upon her from all sides.

Meanwhile, the real Queen Chrysalis, still untouched in her disguise, discreetly stepped out of the store with a smirk on her face, and disappeared.

–

Dash sighed happily as she sipped her cold, rainbow-colored fruit cocktail by the pool. Things had quickly improved since last night: she had woken up submerged in cool water in the tub, with Fluttershy gently sobbing as she held Dash's head above the water, her eyes red and her face streaked with tears. “Oh Dash!” she cried, her voice cracked and broken when she saw Dash wake up and focus on her, “I'm so, so, sorry! I didn't know that I was—” she chocked out a terrified squeal. “I almost killed you...”

Dash slowly lifted a hoof and gently stroked Fluttershy's leg. “...s'okay,” she muttered. “Flutters... I need to tell you something...” But then Fluttershy had put a hoof on Dash's mouth.

“Don't try to speak,” Fluttershy said, in the sternest voice she could muster, the one she used when she was taking care of sick or injured animals that didn't know their own good. “You need to rest and keep yourself cool. I'm going to take care of everything, you just focus on getting better.” She sniffed, a tear rolling down her muzzle, and she continued with a sad voice, “I... I know you must want to break the marriage off, after... last night. I deserve that... And I won't try to stop you... but please, let me take care of you now? I couldn't live with myself knowing that you might be hurt...”

Dash looked up at her best friend's desperate, miserable face, and nodded.

And since then everything has been looking up, Dash thought, taking another sip of her drink. It was non-alcoholic, on Fluttershy's insistence, but still deliciously cool as she sat beneath the parasol on their new hotel room's balcony. They had gotten the new room, a grand suite with a fully functioning air conditioning unit, after Fluttershy had gone down to the reception to discuss the matter with a disinterested manager and had ended up using the Stare. Since then, Dash had just been kicking back, napping, snacking, and letting Fluttershy fulfill her every need.

“How are you doing, Dash?” Fluttershy asked softly. “Can I get you anything?”

“Hey, Flutters. I'm feeling a lot better, thanks. Can I have another of these?” Dash shook her glass.

“Oh, of course! I'll be right back.”

Dash watched wistfully as she flew off. Good old Fluttershy. She's always been there for me. She sighed. She'll be totally heartbroken when I tell her... It sucks that it had to go like this. If anypony deserves to find love it's Fluttershy. If only there was something I could do to make sure she stays happy. Dash raised an eyebrow. ...No, I couldn't.

She thought about it some more. Images of her and Fluttershy living together filled her head, Fluttershy sitting in the VIP box at Wonderbolts shows, watching Dash fly in uniform overhead, celebrating Hearth's Warming Eve together in Fluttershy's cottage, drinking hot chocolate in front of a roaring fire with a leg around each other's shoulders, turning and looking into each other's eyes and leaning in for a kiss...

Dash's heart missed a beat. Okay, Miriam, new plan. So maybe I lied to and manipulated the feelings of my oldest and best friend, but she doesn't need to ever know that, does she? I can just carry on as if I was never lying about wanting to marry her in the first place, and everything will be just fine, and our life together totally won't be built on a lie, right?

Dash lay back and stretched her wings, a smirk on her face as Fluttershy came back with her drink. Yup, everything is coming up Rainbow. “Thanks, Fluttershy. Love you.”

Dash saw Fluttershy's anxieties melt away from her face, and felt a warmth in her chest that totally wasn't heat stroke. “I love you too, Dashie.”

Yup, once again the day is saved and nothing can possibly go wrong.

Author's Note

Okay, so maybe things are getting slightly out of hoof. That's not a problem is it?

This marks the end of the tournament play. Come back tomorrow for the debriefing, and we close on Sunday with the epilogue. Don't worry; they're funny too.

The Challenge of the Necromancer – Part Four: The Eye of Destiny

Dice Whirl the Neck Bearded beamed with pride as he collected the prize from the locked and enchanted closet behind the counter. His first tournament, indeed the first Magic: the Gathering tournament in Ponyville's living memory, had been completed. A victor had emerged, striding across the defeated ruins of her fellows to claim a perfect ranking.

Okay, so there had been a few dropoffs along the way. The ancient chroniclers had mentioned those in the old tomes of tournaments gone by. But almost half the competitors had managed to not leave or be disqualified or evicted for other reasons, and the fire (just the one!) had only done negligible damage to the building, so that had to be a big plus. It had all been worth it, because now he, Dice Whirl the Neck Bearded, supreme Ogres & Oubliettes oubliette manager, magistrate of the Order of the Mystic Dice, had witnessed greatness upon the field of Magic: the Gathering battle, and would now bestow glory on the champion.

“Mares and Gentlecolts, lend me your ears!” he intoned, raising his hoof. “All of you have fought bravely and honorably, or maybe more cunningly than honorably but that still counts, in our great contest! But only one could rise to the top, and the time has come to anoint the supreme Planeswalker! And the winner is...” He scanned the paper on which the results had been written. “...Miss Derpy Hooves!”

“Yes!” Derpy cheered and leapt into the air as the remaining participants stomped their hooves politely.

“Awesome!” Vinyl Scratch came up and gave the pegasus a hug and a hoof-bump. “Seriously though, how did that happen?” she asked with a wide grin.

“I dunno, really,” Derpy answered happily. “I kept always drawing the one card I needed.”

In a nearby corner, Lyra looked down and sobbed. “...My poor, poor humans.”

–

“So how'd it go?” Applejack asked, and was immediately answered with a groan in three filly voices.

“I totally thought everypony could tell our explosions from somepony else's,” Scootaloo grumbled. “Crusaders, we need to make more explosions! Preferably in the center of town where everypony will see them. That way, the next time something explodes and it isn't us, nopony will blame us for it!”

“...I didn't understand that,” Sweetie Belle admitted. Apple Bloom facehoofed.

“How 'bout you, Big Mac?” Applejack turned to her brother, who was walking alongside her.

“Ah had fun,” he answered simply. “And you? Didn't see ya there for long.”

“Ah did everything Ah wanted to do,” Applejack said, smiling wistfully. She turned around and caught the eye of a certain pink filly with a now-severely dishevelled mane, who yelped and ducked behind a nearby shelf.

–

“Hold still, you!” Twilight said to Silver Spoon, the earth pony filly trying to squirm her way out of Twilight's magical grip. “What do you think, Zecora? Can we cure her?”

“Queen! Help! Your servant begs for your aid!”

“I have a potion that will do the trick, one sip and she'll be better right quick,” Zecora said as she rooted around in her saddlebags.

“You'd better fix her!” Diamond Tiara said angrily, her eyes shifting back and forth to check if anyone were looking at her ragged, sore hindquarters. “This filthy traitor abandoned me to that barbarian. I'm going to drag her home and punish her!”

“Mistress! We beg you! Do not leave us to these lesser beings!”

“Here it is, now hold her still! To make this work, not a drop must spill.” Zecora took hold of Silver Spoon's head under her foreleg and brought the potion close.

“All right, I'm holding her in...” Twilight's concentration was pierced by the sound of laughter from nearby, a laugh Twilight recognized and associated only with bad things. She turned and saw the door to the game store's back room open, and out came Trixie and Gilda with huge grins on their faces, a lit cigarette in each of their mouths, their coats glistening with sweat, Trixie laughing as she nuzzled the griffon's shoulder.

Twilight's magic flickered and faded, and Silver Spoon twisted out of Zecora's grip and bolted, screaming, “Mistreeeess!” as she fled out of the building and down the street.

–

“You could have warned me!” Luna yelled. “I was chased half-way across the town by ponies holding signs saying 'Ponyville is for everypony' and 'tribeists not welcome'.”

“I did not expect that you would leap into a game of the Dozens with the first zebra you ever laid eyes on,” Celestia spat back, limping. “...I swear on Myself that once I get back to Canterlot I am going to issue some edicts that will make Ponyville wish it had never been founded...”

The two of them were skulking along the trail in Whitetail Woods, slowly working their way back around to the spot where they had left the royal chariot. Celestia winced with each step. Her entire side was one big bruise, and her wings had been sprayed with some manner of plastic glue that was going to take her weeks to wash out completely.

“That miserable applebucker,” Celestia groaned, rubbing her snout. “Him and my 'most faithful student' are both going to find out how strong the Want It Need It spell can get, I think.”

Luna sniffed haughtily. “It serves you right. You threw me to the timberwolves, and did not lift a hoof to aid me.”

“Sister.”

“Yes?”

“You're grounded. Without library privileges.”

“You cannot ground me! We are equals!”

“No we're not. I'm the big sister and what I say goes. In fact, the only reason you have any royal duties is to clear up my schedule and to make you feel useful.”

Luna's jaw dropped open. “Tyrant!” she sputtered. “Treachery most foul! I call for a revolution!”

Celestia gritted her teeth and narrowed her eyes. “One more word out of you and you're going back to the moon.”

“You can't! Not without the Elements of Harmony, and they'd never go along with your mad designs, tyrant! Ha!” Luna pointed a taunting hoof and did a little mocking dance around her elder sister. “Ha! Ha! Ha...” She stopped when she began to feel the air around them turning dangerously hot. “Eeehhh... I love you, sister?”

“Luluuu...” Celestia said in a sing-song voice, looking at her sister through burning eyes. “You are going to—”

“Mmmph! Mmpphphh!”

Celestia paused. Luna looked at her fearfully. “...What is it, sister?”

“Nevermind,” Celestia said, her burning eyes reverting to normal along with the temperature around them. “I just remembered I have something else to take out my frustrations on.”

–

Queen Chrysalis snickered as she watched the two alicorns sniping at each other. “How delightful, to see the great Princesses of Equestria humbled! At least today was not a total loss,” she said, her guard standing at her side, both of them having now abandoned their disguises. “Even if I did have to leave behind that... foal-thing. And even though the game was distinctly unsuited as a vessel for nutritional emotional energy, it was actually rather fun. I should quite like to play it again. What say you, my child?”

“The Hive obeys the Queen,” the guard answered, staring straight ahead.

“Yes... Well, I suppose I must be heading back to Nova Guise, to report my findings to the Senate.”

“The Hive knows what the Queen knows,” the guard replied helpfully. “The Hive obeys the Queen.”

Something in Chrysalis's throat clicked. “...I have changelings waiting for me, who will be happy to see me return. I do.”

“The Queen is present in our minds. The Hive is the Queen's eyes and hooves. Distance does not matter. The Hive obeys the Queen.”

“I am not only pretending to talk to other intelligent beings! I am not entirely alone with nothing but an army of puppets and pets with which I play at having real relationships! I am going to return to Nova Guise, where the Changeling Senate is eagerly waiting to hear my findings, and I am going to speak before them and they are going to seriously deliberate what shall be done with this information and make recommendations to me based on their own intellect! That is an order!”

The guard tipped his head to one side. “The Hive obeys the Queen.”

Chrysalis absolutely did not weep as she trudged through the Everfree Forest, but the guard walking along behind her heard her sniffles in his mind nonetheless.

–

Twilight closed the door of the Golden Oaks Library behind her, and locked it. “I'm home, Spike!” she yelled, and heard no answer. She glanced back and forth, taking in the empty library. Then she let her carefully-crafted mask of disinterested normalcy fade, and erupted into a massive, manic grin as she levitated Smarty Pants out of her saddlebags and pressed the doll tight against her chest. “I did it! I got you back!” She squealed like a little filly and flapped her wings excitedly as she hugged her doll. “And I'm never letting you—”

That was when Big Mac grabbed her from behind and pressed an ether-soaked rag into her muzzle until she passed out.

The Challenge of the Necromancer – Epilogue: The Knight, the Princess, and the Dragon.

“Princess Celestia!” Shining Armor yelled at the front gates of Canterlot Castle, “As Prince of the Crystal Empire, and the Crystal Princess Cadance's ambassador to the Court of Canterlot, I demand entrance!”

From a tower window high above, the voice of Celestia yelled back, “I refuse!”

The gate was blocked by a phalanx of royal guardsponies, with Shining Armor's successor as Captain of the Guard standing in the center. The Captain stepped forward, a nervous and uncomfortable look on his face, and saluted. “Sir Armor, I am dreadfully sorry about this, but her majesty has specifically ordered that you not be allowed inside the castle. She has commanded that you return to the Crystal Empire, and also said to tell your sister... I'm just delivering the message, sir... She said to tell your sister, and I quote, 'suck zebra meat', sir.” He attempted, and failed, to give a disarming smile. “She said your sister would understand its meaning.”

“Huh,” Shining Armor said, “That's actually scarier than the message itself.”

“Sorry, sir.”

Shining Armor nodded. “Well, Captain, I appreciate that you are in a difficult situation here, and I want you to know that I have no hard feelings, and I hope you won't either after I do this.”

Five minutes later, Shining Armor stood before Princess Celestia's private chambers, a trail of four dozen guardsponies lying unconscious in his wake. He took a deep breath, summoned his magic, and used it to draw open the massive doorway.

Once it had opened a crack, a massive burst of flame shot forth, blew the door wide open, and would have disintegrated the unicorn if he hadn't been prepared, and immediately raised his magical shield.

After several seconds of infernal blaze, the fire faded, leaving Shining Armor unharmed. “Your highness,” he said, “I'm here for the dragon. Let him go and nopony else needs to get hurt.”

“Never!” Celestia cried. “Not until your sister has paid for her crimes!”

“Help me, Shining Armor!” Spike cried. He was hanging on some sort of rack, his arms and legs chained to the corners, and for reasons Shining Armor could not hope to understand he was wearing what appeared to be a metal wire with two small circular plates on his chest and a matching loincloth. “She's kept me locked up here ever since the Magic game!”

“I know, Spike,” Shining Armor said. “Twilight's sent me to get you home. Everything is gonna be okay, bro.”

“Captain Shining Armor... Prince Shining Armor...” Celestia said smoothly, stepping towards the unicorn with a sultry smile. “I'm willing to forgive your... rude intrusion, if you cease this foolishness now. You know...” she walked down his side, lightly trailing him with her tail. “I always thought you were the finest Captain of the Guard I ever had, and deserved a greater reward. My niece, though I love her, is young... everything she knows, she learned from me. Would you not rather drink from the source itself, my handsome stallion?” By now she had walked around him and stood close together, face to face, her knowing, inviting gaze and her sultry smile enough to raise a fire in any pony's heart.

Shining Armor headbutted her, and she collapsed with a groan, and didn't move.

“Forty-nine in a row. That's a new personal best,” Shining Armor said as he loosened the chains and gently dropped Spike on his back. “Come on, big guy, let's get you back home.”

“It was horrible...” Spike groaned, looking fearfully down at the unconscious alicorn. “When she wakes up she's gonna kill us...”

“Naw, it's cool,” Shining Armor said. “Secret Captain of the Guard info: Celestia does this every few decades when she thinks she's being neglected. I told Luna to pamper her and stuff her with cake for a while, and I'll get Twily to send her a letter. She'll be back to normal in no time.”

“Wow,” Spike said.

“Tell me about it. Alicorns be crazy.”

Author's Note

And then Luna took over while Celestia was recovering and Equestria promptly collapsed.

I kid. I love Luna. But she is hilarious to mess with.

But, we have come to the end, good gentlefolk, thank you all for reading and I hope you enjoyed it :pinkiehappy:
-Daedelean.

The Supine Dexterous Metacarpus of Darkness.

The Everfree Forest. The throne hall of the Castle of the Royal Sisters.

There were five ~~ponies~~ ~~living creatures~~ ~~conscious creatures~~ creatures sitting around the table, and four of them were staring in disbelief at the deck of the fifth.

“Very well, I will say it,” said Nightmare Moon. “Exactly how many cards are in that deck, and why do you think this is going to stand?”

“Only a little above a hundred thousand,” Discord answered. “And it is standing just fine, thank you.”

“It's awfully... tall,” said Queen Chrysalis.

“A hundred and something feet, to be precise,” said Discord with a smile.

“Good thing we decided to play at your place, Moonie,” said Chrysalis. “The Hive has very low ceilings, even in the brood chamber. There's no way this would fit in my place.”

“There is no way it will be playable!” Nightmare Moon declared. “You are making a mockery of this noble institution! There must be a rule against this.”

Discord blew a raspberry at her. “There is no rule against me playing a full playset of every legal card ever printed, so long as I can shuffle it unaided. Which I can. As a matter of fact, it shuffles itself unaided even by me. Watch.” He snapped a claw, and the tower of cards began to dance through the air, splitting itself into dozens of smaller decks. These, in turn, began to shuffle wildly, within themselves and among each other, splitting into halves and joining with other halves, and then in larger groups.

They watched the display transfixed while Discord lay back on his chair with his arms behind his head and grinned. Somewhere in the distance, seductive smooth jazz began playing as the cards shuffled ever more wildly.

Nightmare Moon shook off the spell and shot Discord a murderous glare, blushing. “Discord! Your deck is having an orgy! We command you cease this obscenity forthwith!”

“Oh, lighten up, princess,” Discord said, winking. “You need to learn where little cards come from sometime, after all.”

"It is quite dazzling though," Chrysalis said, watching the display intently. "It reminds me of the Swarm's synchronized flocking maneuvers. Don't you think, pet?"

"It has all the beauty of an all-consuming forest fire, Mistress," said Silver Spoon. "Truly I am the most fortunate of living things, that I have been permitted to gaze upon its magnificence alongside you, my Queen."

Chrysalis giggled and squealed, clapping her chitinous hooves together happily. "Isn't she a darling? Come, sit in my lap and let me comb your mane!" Silver Spoon leapt into the changeling's grip and rested her head against the queen's rigid exoskeleton chest-plate, the queen cooing softly as she stroked the filly's hair.

Discord gagged. "Honestly! I thought we were going to have a proper night of villainous games? I get enough of this touchy-feely crap from those two lovebirds at home."

–

"A high-power precision accident..." Rainbow Dash muttered to herself as she looked over the mail. "That's what I need..."

"What's that Dashie-washie?" Fluttershy asked as she came in from behind her fiancee and nuzzled her softly. "How are the RSVPs coming? I do hope everypony can make it to the wedding."

"Oh yeah," Dash said just a little too quickly. "Of course! Nopony in Ponyville would miss it! I'm getting all the yeses!" She grinned and looked into Fluttershy's wide, trusting eyes. How can I tell her that everypony is too busy playing a Celestia-forsaken card game to show up?

Fluttershy stepped back with a smile, satisfied. "Oh, I'm so glad to hear it. I would be absolutely heartbroken if somepony missed it."

"Hehe, yeah, how crazy would that be," Dash muttered through her teeth. Lemme see, if I start out at the outskirts of town, an altitude of ten thousand feet, and the wind 'accidentally' turns a few degrees further south, I can do a sonic rainboom and realize just a second too late that I'm too close to the ground, and pull up just in time to only demolish one building... Her lips curled up in a vicious smirk. Dice Whirl the Neck Bearded, you and your store are going to get a megaton of high-velocity friendship to the face. That'll teach you to schedule a frigging Magic tournament on my wedding day.

–

"Will you cease that infernal noise?" Nightmare Moon demanded of the changeling queen and her servitor, who were rolling on the floor tickling each other's tummies.

"You're just jealous that nopony wants to have a tickle-war with you," Chrysalis said, grinning as she pinned down Silver Spoon and viciously raspberried her side.

"She's right, though, you are," Discord said. "Honestly, Princess, uptight much? Even this guy is more fun to be around."

The fifth entity at the table let out a low, ghostly growl.

"Oh shush," Discord said. "You're lucky we could be bothered to muster the magical energy to bring you back from the dead. I said there was no point, that it was a complete waste to go to that effort just to find out what kind of deck you'd play. I mean you're obviously playing either mono black, or black-red. So boring."

Sombra let out another ghostly howl.

Discord raised an eyelid curiously. "Seriously?"

"What did he say?" Nightmare Moon asked. "And why can't he speak normally?"

"He said he's playing white-blue-black," Discord said. "And he can't speak because I couldn't be bothered to lend as much magic power as we agreed was needed to manifest him, so his vocal chords are only partially formed."

Sombra spat and growled at length, a powerful and angry sound that made the ground tremble beneath them.

"Oh yeah? When you die, which will be as soon as we finish playing, I'm going to still be sitting right here, immortal, as always." Discord crossed his arms and turned away.

"Really? You're playing white?" Chrysalis said, her voice slightly muffled from the filly lying on top of her head and holding tightly on to her muzzle.

Sombra howled and started flipping cards from the top of his deck: Due Respect, Forced Worship, Mind Control, Nightmare Door, Enslave, Feeling of Dread, Dead Weight, False King...

"You are one sick puppy, do you know that?" Nightmare Moon grimaced. "I still cannot believe I allowed these two to talk me into bringing you back for this game."

"Big deal. We're villains," Discord said.

"Got your muzzle!" Chrysalis cried and began running around the table, a delighted Silver Spoon chasing after her.

"Most of us are villains," Discord corrected.

"Aren't you reformed?" Nightmare Moon asked. Discord shrugged. "I know that I am no villain, to be certain. I only ever asked that I receive the gratitude and appreciation which is my rightful due, and for this I was unjustly persecuted!"

Discord snorted and laughed, a full-throated laugh that sent him falling backwards over his chair clutching his head in his paw and claw. He kept at it for a minute straight before he finally could breathe enough to say: "It's so cute that you still think so. Anyway," with a thought he teleported back to sitting in his chair, "what are you playing, then, loony Moonie? White Crazy Cat Mare? Blue and red cognitive dissonance? Perhaps a random artifact and artifact-destruction 'anything to keep my mind occupied so I don't go insane while enduring a thousand years of isolation' deck? Or could you possibly be playing black vampire ponies? That would be very original and absolutely not painfully obvious and expected."

Nightmare Moon snorted. "You mock my choices at your peril, worm."

Sombra snorted, and barked. Discord rolled his eyed theatrically. "The floating patch of inadequate lighting is right, we should just get started already."

Nightmare Moon turned to Chrysalis and Silver Spoon who were happily playing patty-cake a short distance away, the changeling queen lying flat on her stomach in order to be of equal height to the little filly. "I cannot decide if this is incredibly sweet or sickeningly perverse."

Author's Note

This idea came to mind and I wrote it.

Discord's starting hand consists of Archmage Ascension, the lands to play it, and various cheap spells to draw extra cards every round, like Brainstorm. By pure coincidence.