Hi, my name is Joe Smith and I am am a rock'n roll guitarist. Right now, I am currently lying on my back on a dirt floor following my impact with the ground. How did I get here? Drugs, right? I play rock'n roll, I must have gotten wasted before, during or after a gig. That's how it always is right? Wrong! Never done any drugs. I fell out of my crappy apartment that was ripped out of its building and dropped on a giant oak tree. I wasn't looking down while I walked out the door. I didn't assume that the hall wouldn't be there OK? I guess the lack of car horns in the morning should have clued me into the fact I wasn't in the city anymore
Before I move on to the ensuing hi-jinx I guess I should tell you guys about myself:
Well, I lived in a suburb most of my life and did pretty well in school. I was the somewhat-geeky only child of two loving and supporting parents who bought me a guitar when I turned 14. That's around the time I decided on a career in music. I was already listening to alternative rock and records only the guy at your local independent record store (Just use GoogleMaps you'll find one) recommends just like every other alienated and jaded highschooler does and the guitar pushed me in the direction I am going in right now, downwards to a painful meeting with the ground off an apartment building suspended off a tree. Perhaps if I say it enough, I'll convince my delirious brain that's what actually happened.
The rest of high school went pretty well, I wasn't the most popular kid in school but I got off unscathed by bullies through hiding my geeky love of video games and movies underneath a cool and quiet personality so expertly crafted I would make the head of a witness-protection program jealous. The only ones who knew of my geeky interior were my friends and my girlfriend, Mary. I'm surprised I managed to get a girlfriend considering the fact that I'm relationship-wise oblivious. Eventually when I turned 18, it was time for this baby bird to leave its nest and brave the real world. I decided to move to the city to start a rock band, this lead to the separation of my group of friends who went on to college and my break up with my girlfriend who went on to some big important law school to study law.
So how has an exciting career in music been paying off for me? Well, I've been constantly forming new bands and disbanding them due to my band mates' self-destructive behavior. I think I've already lost more drummers than Spinal Tap has to drug overdose. Poor Larry, barely knew ya. Between bands, I've been working a 9 to 5 job as a cashier at some big fast food chain to fund my habit of buying CDs and video games. It's an expensive addiction. Thank god my apartment is in a pretty shifty part of town so rent doesn't cost much.
So, now that I've gotten introductions out of the way, let's get to my current predicament. I'm currently on the floor and by the sounds of it have attracted two people. Well, I don't feel hurt anymore, so perhaps I can stand up (Well, that was fast! I feel like Wile E. Coyote after the screen fades to black to focus on a new scene, as if nothing happened). As I stood up, my eyesight blurry from staring at the sky for so long, (Yeah, I wasn't so much passed out as much as I was silently writhing in pain and unable to stand up.) the voices talking about me sounded clearer:
"...it appears to be primate in origin but unlike it's possible ancestors, it is lacking in fur except for the mane on the top of its head which is brown. It has pale skin and appears to be 6 feet tall. It appears to be wearing clothes, probably to shield itself from the cold and the fact that its wearing clothes show signs of intelligence. Oooh, Spike I think we might be on the verge of the scientific breakthrough of the year, are you getting this all? The princesses will be so interested!" said a female voice. This just confused me. Why on Earth would a person think of me as some biological marvel? And what's this about princesses?
"Uhh, Twilight, I think it's waking up..." pointed out a male voice who I'm guessing belongs to "Spike". Hah, joke's on you, I was never asleep. What sort of names are Twilight and Spike anyway? What are they? Stage names?
When I opened my eyes nothing could have prepared me for what I was about to see I looked down to see: A purple winged unicorn with a tattoo on its butt and a purple and green scaled lizard-thing both about half my height. Huh, wasn't expecting that. To be honest, wasn't sure what I was expecting. OK, either I am nuts or this isn't Earth anymore. Well, hallucinating or dreaming isn't an option because I did feel pain when I fell and I know for a fact I'm not on drugs. Considering the fact that I can still form coherent thoughts, I'm gonna guess that god just felt like messing with me this morning and ripped my apartment off the planet and planted it on that conveniently placed oak tree.
Hey, are those windows on the tree? Heh, it's a literal tree house.
Heh, yeah it is. Wait a minute? Who are you?
Isn't it obvious dude? I'm your motherf*****g conscience.
Eminem reference? Yup definitely my conscience.
Yeah man, I'm you but not you. Strange isn't it? So anyway you planing on talking to purple and purpler over there anytime soon?
Oh yeah, they've been staring awkwardly at me for the last couple minutes
Alright man, just remember to make a good impression on them, you're probably the first human they've ever seen. You don't want them going all Area 51 on you.
OK, mom. Oh damn, my parents are gonna be bummed when they find out I'm gone.
Oh yeah, I forgot about that... that sucks.
Hey don't break out the subconscious Haagen Dazs yet, that's a unicorn right? Maybe it can just magically poof us back to Earth.
I guess it's worth a shot. I'll be back here if you need me.
Alright then see ya.
Just talk to them would ya?
OK,OK... Now what to say to them?
"Uhh, hi?"
Upon that, the little lizard guy shrieked in terror and hid between the unicorn. Oh, come on I'm not that scary am I?
"You talk?" said Twilight in complete awe as if I just said something of great social and poetic importance.
"Yes, yes I do." Hey I think my wit is starting to return to me.
"Wow, I have so many questions to ask you... hmm which to start with." thought aloud Twilight, completely impervious to the shaking and quivering reptile behind her.
"OK, I got it! What are you, because I've never seen anything like you in any of my books before and I have read like every book in the library because that's where we live and y'know how you seem to have fallen out of that thing on top of the library and I don't even think you're Equestrian in origin..." rambled on Twilight. God, what a windbag. So this is what I sound like to people when I talk about music.
Cutting her off right there I said: "I'm a human, scientific name: homo sapiens and that there on the tree is my apartment. Also, no I don't think I'm from, Ee-kwes-tree-ah was it?"
"Equestria: E-Q-U-E-S-T-R-I-A": she spelled out the name of this bizarre land for me.
Yup, definitely not in Kansas anymore.
"OK, I don't think I'm from this planet because last I checked: winged unicorns were bed time stories for little girls. Speaking of which? What exactly are you guys anyway?"
"Oh, well I'm a pony, Alicorn to be exact and Spike back there is a dragon." she clarified motioning to behind her with her neck.
Dragon huh? Well, he ain't got nothing on TROGDOR!
Finally, the dragon decided to talk: "Y-you w-won't eat us will you?"
"Maybe? But I'm very full from the last dragon I ate." I said jokingly. Apparently, Spike can't really take a joke becouse he started shivering more than he was before.
"Spike, he's obviously joking. You are joking right?" asked Twilight with a little worry in her voice despite trying to comfort the cowardly dragon using her like a human, or I guess pony shield.
"Yeah, I was joking I just told you that you guys are fictional creatures where I'm from. Where am I gonna find a dragon?" I said. Spike let go of Twilight after that but was still wary of me.
"Sorry about Spike, he can be a real scaredy-pony sometimes" said Twilight.
Something tells me that there are a lot of pony puns where that one came from.
At this point, I was getting pretty tired of all this standing up and the heat of the morning sun wasn't helping so I suggested, pointıng at the tree: "I'd hate to sound pushy, but is it OK if we move this interview inside, my legs are killing me."
"That seems like a good Idea, Spike gather up the girls, they might be interested in this too." said Twilight.
"On it!" said Spike and he ran to get the aforementioned "girls".
As we walked inside, I asked Twilight: "Who are the girls anyhow?"
"Oh, nothing, they're just my friends" replied Twilight.
"Uh, cool I guess." At least I won't have to re-answer the same questions over and over again for each of Twilight's friends.
"By the way, I forgot to formally introduce myself, my name is Twilight Sparkle, what's yours?"
"Smith, Joe Smith. Nice to meet you Twilight Sparkle" I said.
"Nice to meet you too Mr. Smith." said Twilight
"Mr. Smith" I said, "Has a pretty nice ring to it. Still, just call me Joe"
"Then nice to meet you Joe." said Twilight.
"So anyway... Do you think you could tell me about you ponies before your friends get here?"
Her eyes lit up in even more excitement: "Of course I can!" she exclaimed.
"Uh, by the way? Do you have any idea how I can get to my apartment from here?"
