Brother Knows Best

by Stratocaster

Rating: teen
Tags: Big Macintosh, Random, Shining Armor, Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Comedy
Length: 11015

Shining Armor and Big Macintosh go to great lengths to protect their little sisses.

While visiting Ponyville, Shining Armor meets Big Macintosh and the two quickly hit it off as best buds. However, they soon find that Twilight and Applejack may be canoodling with suspicious stallions of the town. Ever alert, the two buffoons big brothers work together to protect their little sisses from the male persuasion. The result can only be hilarity.

Published 2013-12-28 14:40:09 UTC
Last updated 2014-02-17 05:52:40 UTC

Bros Know, Bro

Brother Knows Best

By Stratocaster

Chapter 1: Bros Know, Bro

"Boy it sure was awful kind of your brother and Princess Cadence to come visit, Twi." Applejack said as she and Twilight walked along the fence outside of Sweet Apple Acres.

"I agree," replied Twilight. "They said it was long overdue. It's nice to see the happy couple are still doing well."

"Heck, I don't think I've seen either o' them since yer coronation."

"Well, Cadence has been really busy lately in the Crystal Empire; and Shining Armor too with the Royal Guard. So it's just nice to see them relax and enjoy themselves."

"Cadence, will you please slow down?!" called Shining Armor who struggled to keep up with his ecstatic wife on the dirt road.

"Oh Armor, isn't this the cutest little farm you've ever seen?" Cadence said giddily as she stopped by the acres.

Shining Armor finally staggered up to her, nearly out of breath. "Yes, dear, it's cute. But you have to give me a moment to breathe before you-"

"Oh my gosh, what an adorable little dog!" squealed Cadence as she knelt down to hug Winona who licked her face. Shining Armor only sulked behind her.

"Although, I've never seen Cadence quite this energetic." Twilight said.

"It must be culture shock after bein' in the big crystal city." Applejack added as Shining Armor joined next to his sister.

"Ugh, remind me why I married your foal sitter in the first place, Twily." He sighed tiredly.

"Good to see you too big brother." Twilight smiled.

"Ah I'm just fooling. It's nice to see not much has changed here in Ponyville; especially with you becoming a princess."

"Oh don't worry, the library is where I belong." Twilight shrugged. "Besides, I'd never forget about all my friends."

"Well I hope you're not too busy to be my little sis!" Shining Armor then grabbed her in a tight hold and mussed up her mane.

"Ah! Shining Armor, cut it out!" Twilight giggled. "Is this any way to treat a princess?!"

"Why it's a pleasure to meet you, fair stallion." Came Cadence's voice.

Shining Armor paused to see her standing on the stone path, as a beefy red stallion knelt before her and even kissed her hoof courteously. The watchful husband walked over to the stranger, in case something fishy was happening.

"Um, honey, who is this?" asked Shining Armor.

"Oh! Armor, I'd like you to meet Big Macintosh, Applejack's older brother." Cadence introduced the burly farmer. "He helps around the farm with his family."

Big Macintosh gave the captain an honorable salute. "Pleasure to make yer acquaintance, Captain Shinin' Armor."

"Please, no need to be formal, pal." Shining Armor smiled and extended his hoof. "We're among friends! So I guess I'm not the only big brother in Ponyville, huh?"

"Eeyup."

"Well, I think we'll let you two boys to get to know each other." Applejack said. "C'mon Princess Cadence, how's about tryin' some real homemade apple pie?"

"Sounds heavenly!" Cadence followed her and Twilight into the farmhouse, leaving the two fellow brothers standing awkwardly.

Shining Armor desperately tried to make small talk. "So, uh, did you happen to see the Wonderbolt race last night?"

Big Mac stared blankly. "What's a Wonderbolt?"

"Oh boy..."

...

After much pie eating and farm touring, the royal couple had very well enjoyed their time at Sweet Apple Acres. Shining Armor and Big Macintosh even hit it off and quickly became friends as they sat on the front porch sharing stories from growing up with Twilight and Applejack. Needless to say, they could relate to one another.

"And then little Twily just let the crab out and it bit our dad!" said Shining Armor, catching his breath between laughs.

Big Mac was about to fall off the bench from laughter. "Tarnation! That's just like what AJ did, but with bees!"

"Oh man, sisters are just a riot sometimes!"

"Eeyup!" Big Mac wiped a tear from his eye then simmered back down to his calm and deep demeanor. "Phew! But Applejack really has grown a lot over the years. An' I'm proud to see her through it all."

"She's a sweet mare." Shining Armor added. "Twilight's lucky to have her as a friend."

"An' Caramel's lucky to have her as a marefriend."

"Caramel? Who's that?" asked Armor.

"Oh, she didn't tell ya? She's been datin' my friend Caramel, who helps out around the farm sometimes. At first I wasn't so sure about it, but Caramel's pretty much like family now, so I've taken to trust him with my lil' sis. So far, they've been closer than weevils in a sack o' grain."

Shining Armor pondered on the earth pony's strange analogy for a bit. "Wow, they certainly grow up fast."

"Eeyup. In fact, you should see Twilight n' her new stallion."

"...Wait, what?!"

"Ya didn't hear?" Big Mac looked half as surprised. "Twilight also started goin' out with this feller named Time Turner. She's been invitin' him into the library a few times. An' he even brought her flowers!"

"She's been dating a stallion?!" Armor blurted in shock. "Why didn't she tell me?!"

"Well, she's only been seein' him recently, not as long as AJ and Caramel. Plus, you've probably been busy with Royal Guard stuff so she didn't want to bother ya."

"I'm her brother! This is kind of a lot to drop on me!"

"Are you okay, pardner?" asked Big Mac. "I didn't strike a nerve, did I?"

"Big Mac, how well does Twilight know this Time Turner guy?"

"Come to think of it, they haven't exactly been close friends. But they did know each other acquaintance-like. Although I'm not really sure what it is he does around Ponyville. Why do you ask, Armor?"

"I don't like this one bit." Shining Armor suddenly grew a surly expression, worthy of a royal captain. "What if this pony is some kind of secret criminal? Or he's planning to use Twilight somehow? What if he's not really a pony at all?!"

"Simmer down, fella," said Big Mac, trying to ease him. "You look like you've seen a changeling."

"Buddy you have no idea. But that's not that point! I'm saying I don't trust this Time Turner to be hanging around my little Twily. He could very well be a total scumbag, and so can Applejack's new coltfriend."

"Who? Caramel?" Big Mac looked skeptically. "That pony is righter than rain. He wouldn't never try anything on lil' ol' AJ."

"But aren't you bothered the least bit that your own sister is letting a guy into her life?"

"Look pardner, Applejack may be growin' up, but I think I'd know when she's ready for romance." Big Mac stepped up to the porch rail and looked out across the farm. "Besides, I bet this whole thing with Caramel is just a passin' fling. They'll probably just stay friends and won't do anything more than just..." He stopped and gawked as he spotted Applejack over by the fence with Caramel on the other side, holding her hoof. He laid a tender kiss on his sister's forehead causing her to smile and blush. Something inside Big Mac snapped after seeing his sister canoodling with a stallion. He narrowed his eyes as he suddenly went into primal mode.

"Shinin' Armor," he said simply. "We got some no-good rustlers in the family."

"Are we just going to stand by while our sisters get ensnared by their seductive tricks?" replied Shining Armor, with the same exact expression.

"Nnope!"

Caramelized

Chapter 2: Caramelized

With their first day in Ponyville done, the royal couple had made themselves comfortable in their rented guest house by Golden Oak Library. However, Shining Armor was putting aside touring the country the next day for a more pressing matter. He, along with Big Macintosh, staked out outside the home of Caramel, hiding in the bushes. The humble tan earth pony exited his house in the late morning and merrily went on to start his day. Little did he know that Phase One of Operation: Brodown Throwdown was about to commence.

"Alright, there he is." Shining Armor said quietly as the two spied on their target. "You know the plan, right Mac?"

"Right, we hogtie the son-of-a-gun, then kick him until he's black and blue, and run him out of town before he can lay another hoof on mah little AJ!" Big Mac shook his hoof with rage.

"No no no!" Armor snapped him out of it. "We can't just resort to that yet. The first thing they teach you in the Royal Guard is to know thy enemy." He then pointed to Caramel who stopped to sniff a flower while humming. "If we want to expose Caramel for the scumbag he really is, then we have to get the dirt on him."

"I hear ya," Big Mac nodded. "We bury him!"

"I mean information! We're going to spy on Caramel throughout the day, and study his usual habits and what he does on average. We're bound to find something that he's hiding."

"Eeyup, then we come in fer the kill."

"Just remember to stay quiet as a mouse. And for Auntie Celestia's sake, don't let him see you. Now let's mobilize!"

Stealthily, the two brothers followed Caramel into town, creeping low and distant. As they ducked behind corners in pursuit, Caramel greeted the regulars of Ponyville, as he lugged his trusty saddlebag.

"Good morning, Caramel!" waved Junebug.

"Hi there, Junebug," replied Caramel. "How's the baby doing?"

"Oh she's fine, thanks for asking."

"Pfff," scoffed Shining Armor from a nearby alley. "I bet he says that to all the mares."

Ever diligently, the bros continued to stalk the happy-go-lucky stallion into the marketplace, where customers were bustling about making the best bargains. From atop a flat roof, Shining Armor made a vantage point and located Caramel from a bird's eye view. Using military grade binoculars, he watched his every step, switching between thermal, X-ray, and night vision. The captain then spoke into a walkie-talkie.

"This is Ironsides to Green Hoof. Come in Green Hoof." He called.

"Roger that, Ironsides," responded Big Mac on the other line, who was hiding behind a small potted ficus in the marketplace. "Do ya have a visual, over?"

"Target is sighted at Daisy's soil stand." Armor replied, looking through night vision again.

"Copy that, I'm goin' in."

Like a camouflaged predator, Big Mac pushed the ficus with his nose in front of him, as he crawled around the marketplace. He tripped up and caught the confused eyes of many shoppers before finally reaching the kiosk where Daisy sold fresh fertilizer by the sack. Caramel was conversing with the clerk.

"So, are the crops coming in nicely, Caramel?" asked Daisy.

"Well, they should at least by the end of the month." Caramel said. "I just wish I can expand on enterprise."

"Hmm, mighty suspicious talk." Big Mac whispered to himself, overhearing his target.

"I'm sure you'll sell plenty very soon." Daisy assured him. "Unfortunately, I only have one bag left that has the right soil you need. That'll be forty bits."

"Oof, I'm trying to watch what I spend lately." Caramel looked awkwardly.

"You know what? Just for you, I'll mark it down to twenty." Daisy winked.

"Wow, thanks Daisy!" smiled Caramel. "You really know when to-"

"Hold it!" said Big Mac as he butted in next to Caramel suddenly. "I'll pay for that soil full prince!" He slammed the correct amount of bits on the counter.

"Ooookay." Daisy said, looking at him perplexed. "Here you go."

"Wait a minute!" intervened Caramel. "I can pay full price! Forty bits it is."

Big Mac could tell he really need that soil, and held firm. "I'll do ya one better! Fifty bits!"

"Um, uh, fifty-five bits!" Caramel began to sweat.

"Guys, this is not an auction." Daisy said. "It's just a sack of dirt!"

"Sixty bits!" glowered Big Mac, slamming down more money.

"Sixty-five bits!" added Caramel nervously.

"Seventy-five bits!" Big Mac topped him.

"Uh, uh, seventy-eight bits and some breath mints?!" Caramel desperately searched the bottom of his saddlebag.

Big Mac buckled down and pulled out all the stocks. "Ninety...five...bits! Take it or leave it!"

"Ah shoot, I can't top that." Caramel sunk his head. "Oh well, I'm sure I still have enough back home. Nice haggling with ya, buddy." He shrugged off losing his biding war and went off humming merrily again.

Big Mac narrowed his eyes as he watched him leave. "Enough for what exactly, you slime?" he seethed.

"Jeez, just take the soil already!" Daisy pushed the sack to him, irritated.

"Keep it," said Big Mac. "My work here is done." He proudly strode off, forgetting his ninety-five bits.

"Nice work there, soldier," said Shining Armor as the two met in the center. "Who knows what he was planning to do with all that soil?"

"Eeyup, but I say we should still follow him. I have a feelin' Caramel, if that's even his real name, has got more to hide."

"Alright then, which way did he go?"

Big Mac looked from side to side. "He went left!" he said, pointing to the right.

Shining Armor gave him a bemused stare briefly. "Let's just ask around."

Soon enough, the brothers were back on the trail for the mysterious threat to Applejack. It wasn't long before the pair found themselves hiding outside Carousel Boutique, where Rarity was waving some off at the front door. Sure enough it was Caramel, leaving the fabric store with a sizable and ornately designed purple rug, neatly folded and placed on his back. The brothers' suspicion grew.

"What in tarnation do ya think that rug's for?" asked Big Mac.

"Who knows. Maybe he's going to pawn it off." Shining Armor replied. "And after all that hard work Rarity put into it!"

"Come on everypony, smile smile smile!" Caramel sang to himself.

"I just wanna kick that no-good swindler right in the chompers!" grumbled Big Mac.

"Be cool, Mac," said Armor. "It's not over until the fat lady sings."

"Fat lady? What fat lady?" he glared. "Are you talkin' about mah AJ?!"

"Just keep moving!"

Shortly after, Caramel's next stop was Sugarcube Corner, where Pinkie Pie was on duty. Shining Armor and Big Mac sat on the outside bench ducking behind the same newspaper as their target entered the bakery.

"Should we go in after him?" asked Armor.

"Nah, hang on," answered Big Mac. "With Pinkie Pie in there, she'll blow our cover."

"Good point, we'll just have to wait until he comes back out."

"AAAAAHHH!!!" Suddenly, a shrill scream burst from inside the bakery, sending shivers up the brothers' spines.

"That...doesn't sound good." Shining Armor gulped.

"Wait, someone's comin' out!" Big Mac held up the newspaper again, peeking through ripped holes.

As they expected, Caramel exited Sugarcube Corner; but the sight of him shocked the spying brothers. Caramel whistled while polishing off a large carving knife; the carpet on his back was now awkwardly rolled up instead of folded. After stowing the knife in his bag, he casually strode off again, tossing the paper towel he polished with on the ground. The stain left on it was bright red. Shining Armor and Big Mac gawked in horror.

"No...no it- it can't be!" stammered Big Mac.

"He...he...he murdered Pinkie Pie!" Shining Armor cried out.

"I knew he had to be bad, but...this is just...pure evil!"

"Big Mac, we gotta take this lunatic down!" Armor grabbed his shoulders.

"I'm way ahead of ya, Shinin' Armor." He stood up triumphantly. "Nopony murders one of mah friends and gets away with it! Not in mah town Caramel, you cold-blooded killin' snake-in-the-grass!"

"Wow, you're pretty tough, Big Mac," said Armor. "I should've gotten you a weapon from the Guard."

Big Mac stomped his hoof with intimidation. "Pardner, I am a weapon!"

...

Within a few minutes, after making their horrid discovery, Shining Armor and Big Mac tailed Caramel all the way back to his house. The culprit was nowhere in sight, yet the cellar door on the side of the house was wide open. It was there that they would make their approach. But before the two could proceed, they heard faint and quiet weeping coming from inside. It was Fluttershy, who came out of the cellar wiping tears from her eyes.

"Fluttershy? What's the matter?" asked Shining Armor, concerned.

The gentle pegasus tried to regain her composure. "Oh, it's...it's nothing, Shining Armor. Caramel doesn't want me to say. I'll be fine." She walked off, sniffling more.

"That double-crosser made Fluttershy cry!" seethed Big Mac with vengeance.

"Let's handle this punk once and for all!" Shining Armor descended into the cellar, preparing for the worst. He and Big Mac came to an old wooden door and flattened themselves on the wall on both sides. But there was something in the air that threw them both off as Armor took a sniff. "Agh!" He covered his nose in disgust. "What is that stench?!"

"It's probably the rotting bodies of his former victims." Big Mac said. "You ready to pounce, Armor?"

"You know it!" With a swift hoof, Shining Armor kicked down the flimsy door and they burst into the unknown. "Freeze, Caramel! It's all over!"

"AAAH!" Caramel gave an effeminate scream as he froze in front of his mysterious project. A large table stood in the back of the darkened basement under florescent lights, with its mysterious contents draped over by the purple rug from before. The bitter stench in the air grew stronger.

"What in the name of all that is good and magic have got cookin' up in here you rattlesnake?!" bellowed Big Mac.

"Whoa! Hang on! I can explain!" said Caramel, frantically.

"Explain what?" glared Shining Armor. "That you stabbed and killed Pinkie Pie with a knife? Then you hid her body in a rolled up rug, and then used soil to bury her?"

Big Mac pressed his face into Caramel's and backed him into a wall. "And let me guess, ya forced poor little Fluttershy to help you with your dastardly deed, and to keep it all a secret! We saw it all, Caramel, and we're here for justice! Cold...hard...justice!"

"What?! No no, wait a minute! That's not what's going on at all!" Caramel took a calming breath and pulled away from his accuser and approached the covered table. "I never murdered anypony. Everything you two saw me doing today was all for a secret project of mine."

"Tell us already!" demanded Shining Armor.

"You see, apples were never my true passion." He explained as he removed the rug. "It's onions!"

"Onions?!" the brothers said at the same time.

Caramel revealed an entire nursery of onion plants, growing under the bright lights in boxes full of soil. Around the table, overflowed burlap sacks of onions sat, stinking up the air with their pungent odor. "Let me explain. I've been growing these onions for the past few months. But I've been running out of the right type of fertilizer, and Daisy was the only one I knew who had it. Also, Rarity gave me one of her old rugs for me to use as a blanket for the plants. Then I had to borrow Pinkie's chef's knife, because I needed something sharp enough to cut through the onions' tough texture. But before she gave it to me, Pinkie showed off her skills with the knife by chopping a tomato in the air. I screamed because I thought she would hurt somepony; but she was surprisingly good. So I wiped off the tomato juice and returned home with the knife to start chopping up onions."

"Choppin' them for what?" asked Big Mac.

"For my special caramelized onion gumbo!" Caramel proudly showed them a boiling pot of thick broth and various veggies and spices floating around in it. "Fluttershy was helping me prepare it, but she had to step outside because the odor from the onions made her tear up. Yes sir, onions are truly where I thrive! Sure, apples are sweet and juicy, but they can't match the raw, earthy grit of a fresh, tough onion!" He then held up a large raw white onion and took a big chomp.

"Eww!" Shining Armor covered his nose again. "No wonder it reeks in here!"

"But why in Equestria are ya growin' onions in this basement?" asked Big Mac.

"I wanted to keep it a secret." Caramel admitted. "I knew everypony would think I'm crazy for growing onions; plus the soil isn't right so I had to make my own nursery. But the real reason is that I want to start a new business! I don't just want to sell onions. I want to sell them along with your apples, Big Mac! And I knew if I gained Applejack's trust enough, she would agree and we could merge! Think about it, apples and onions! It just makes sense!"

"It makes less sense than what we suspected." Shining Armor mumbled to himself.

"I'm really sorry, guys." Caramel frowned. "I didn't mean to cause any suspicion. But what do you say we settle all this over some nice gumbo, and we'll talk about our new trade! Are ya with me, Big Mac?"

"Are you outta yer mind?!" glared Big Mac again. "Onions are nasty! And I ain't lettin' some stinkin' onion growin' freak take mah sister's hoof!"

"Big Mac, what are you saying?!" replied Caramel.

"I'm sayin' you ain't never gonna see AJ again! We're gonna put you in yer place!"

Caramel gulped, not knowing what horrible fate awaited him.

...

"Please, Big Mac! Can't we talk about this?!" said Caramel desperately.

"It's for your and Applejack's own sake, pal." Big Mac replied. He and Shining Armor had hogtied the secret onion farmer and stuffed him into a cart full of his own crops. Then he was hooked up to the back of the Ponyville Freight Express at the train station.

"I never meant to do any harm!" pleaded Caramel. "What will Applejack think?!"

"Believe me, she won't know yer gone." Big Mac sneered. "It's a long way to Apploosa for you."

"But it's hot there! My onions will dry up! And I don't have any sunscreen!"

"Don't worry, Caramel," smiled Shining Armor. "I'm sure it'll be layers of fun!...Get it?...Layers?" He was simply slapped by Big Mac for his bad pun.

Immediately, the engine blew its whistle and the freight train was departing the station, pulling Caramel along with it. "No! No! NOOOOOOOOO!!!" And just like that, he was out of sight.

"Wait to go, Big Mac!" said Shining Armor. "Looks like Applejack is safe from the male persuasion."

"Tweren't nothin'." Big Mac smiled. "I couldn't have done it without ya, pardner."

"Yeah, but we're not done yet. What was the name of that guy Twily is hanging around with?"

"Time Turner."

"Sounds pretty shifty to me. Get ready, Mac, it's time for Phase Two. I won't rest until my Twily is out of the wrong hooves!" Shining Armor pronounced as he put on his captain's war face.

Author's Note

Happy New Year, everypony! And enjoy!

Outta Time

Chapter 3: Outta Time

Big Macintosh sat on the swinging bench on the front porch of his house, with his peace of mind finally returned. He had finally ridden his dear sister of the onion loving weirdo known as Caramel and he now felt like he could take on anypony as he took a load off and chewed on straw. Of course, it was only a matter of time before Applejack became aware of her coltfriend's disappearance.

"Big Mac," said Applejack, approaching him. "Have ya seen Caramel anywhere at all?"

"...Nnope."

"Are ya sure? 'Cause he is yer friend after all."

"...Eeyup."

"C'mon, Big Mac, this is serious." Applejack urged. "Caramel and I were supposed to meet for a date last night but he never showed up. And now I can't even get a hold of him. What if somethin' bad happened to him?"

Big Mac swallowed hard. He felt his sister's suspicion digging in deep. He never wanted to lie to Applejack, but he wanted desperately for her to forget about Caramel, if not stallions altogether. He knew it was for her own good. "I'm sure Caramel's fine, AJ. He's probably just visitin' family somewhere. But if ya ask me, I wouldn't get too attached to him. I know Caramel; he's a rambler who doesn't like to stay in one place. It's probably best for him, and you, to just move on."

"Gee, Big Mac, I don't know about that." She replied. "Caramel is a sweet pony, and I don't think he'd just up and ditch me like that without at least tellin' me."

"Don't worry, sis, I know it'll all turn out fine in the end. Hey, do you like onions?"

"No, I hate 'em. Why?"

"Just checkin'."

"Well, thanks for tryin' to ease my mind, big brother." Applejack said. "I bet Caramel will show up sooner or later."

"Maybe, lil' sis, maybe." Big Mac lied across the bench to fall asleep in the sun, trying to forget the impending trouble he probably put himself in.

...

That night, Shining Armor took time to spend with his little sis at the Golden Oak Library. Accompanied by Spike, the two siblings faced off in the living room, warring over properties in a game of Manehattan Monopoly. As usual with this game, Spike barely managed to maintain a tiny section of the board.

"Ha ha! You stepped on Horseshoe Avenue again, Spike." Twilight gloated. "280 bits please!"

"Son of a- When is someone gonna land on my property?!" complained Spike.

"You mean the first one that's only worth 60?" asked Shining Armor.

"Shut up." Spike grumbled. "I knew we should've just played Scramble."

Twilight gave a questioning look. "You mean Scrabble?"

"I said shut up!"

That's when the doorbell rang. "Oh! That must be Time Turner." Twilight said, getting up. "I've just been dying to introduce you to him, big brother."

"Yeah, and I've been dying to meet him." Shining Armor replied, stretching the truth.

Twilight answered the door and sure enough, in entered the mysterious stallion who had been piquing the interest of her brother as of late. Time Turner greeted his recent special somepony with a hug.

"Evening Twilight," he said, in his usual suave manner. "Looking radiant as ever."

Twilight blushed a little before speaking. "Turner, I'd like you to meet my brother, Shining Armor. Big, brother, say hello to my new coltfriend."

The word 'coltfriend' slipped through Shining Armor's ears like crude oil. But he swallowed his pride and shook Time Turner's hoof while clenching his teeth. "It's an...honor to meet you."

Time Turner gave a salute. "The honor is mine, Captain. Or should I say 'future brother-in-law'?"

"Oh stop it, you." Twilight blushed again. Shining Armor wanted desperately drive his horn through his stomach. "Sorry to up and leave, big brother, but Timey and I have our first official date planned. I hope you don't mind."

Armor struggled not to smash the floor beneath him. "No problem, Twily, you two have...fun."

"Don't worry, Captain," said Time Turner. "I'll make sure she's safe and sound the whole night."

"Oh Turner, don't be such a hero." Twilight giggled before the two of them exited the library, leaving Shining Armor and his buried rage.

But almost immediately, Big Mac poked his head through the door. "Shinin' Armor, ya ready to make our move?"

"Boy am I ever." He said with his serious face. "Hold the fort down, Spike."

"Wait, what?" queried Spike. "Where are you going?"

"Don't worry about it. It's confidential business." Shining Armor left without another word, leaving the dragon alone.

"So what? Am I just supposed to play this by myself?!" Spike shouted, then looked around to make sure he was truly alone. Then he placed a framed photo of his beloved crush on the other side of the game board. "Alright, Rarity, I'll give you first roll!"

...

The establishment known as Hors D'œuvres was without a doubt the classiest restaurant in all of Ponyville. With gourmet food and an ornate atmosphere, it only seemed fitting to take an esteemed mare like Twilight to on a romantic night out. And Time Turner was just gentlecolt enough to do so. Of course, Hors D'oeuvres was also open to anypony, which explained why Shining Armor and Big Mac were spying on the two from a nearby booth, disguised as a couple. Shining Armor sported a black tuxedo, top hat, and had his mane neatly combed back. Big Mac, disguised as his date, wore a pink dress with a red sash, a matching sun hat over a strawberry blonde wig, and lip stick and eye shadow on his face. The two spies watched their target diligently as they held up their menus.

"Look at him over there," said Shining Armor, vengefully. "Thinks he's so fancy taking Twily to a place like this."

"I bet he knows the owner of this restaurant." Big Mac added. "Mighty suspicious is ya ask me."

"Stay loose, Mac, we still don't know anything about this guy. Twilight said this was their first big date, so we just have to listen in when Time Turner tells her stuff about himself. It's the only way to know exactly what kind of weirdo my sister is dating."

"What if it turns out he's actually not a bad guy?" asked Big Mac.

"Then that means he's hiding something even more sinister."

"Good point, pardner."

Soon enough, the waiter arrived at their booth. "Are you ready to order, sir and madame?"

Shining Armor tried on his best upper class Manehattan accent. "Ahem, why yes my dear man. Um, I will have your finest prepared medium veggie steak with chive potato, and my wife here will have the, uh, carrot sticks Alfredo."

"Eeyup." Big Mac said, in a feminine voice.

"Excellent choice, sir," the waiter said. "And may I just add that your wife looks absolutely dazzling?"

Big Mac fluttered his eyelashes and even feigned a giggle.

A bit creeped out, Shining Armor replied. "Yes, well, she is a gem, heh heh. Um, I'd appreciate it if we could get our meals pretty soon."

"Of course, sir." The waiter finally departed.

"Would you stop flirting with the wait staff?" Armor glared at his partner. "We're on a mission here!"

"Yer just jealous 'cause I can pull off this dress." Big Mac replied as he flamboyantly waved a fan in his face.

"Look, just don't distract me, okay? I'm trying to listen in on my sister."

"So tell me, Turner," said Twilight, at the adjacent table. "What's it like working in the town clock tower?"

"Oh, it gets pretty lonely." Time Turner replied. "But it then again, I do sometimes enjoy the solitude."

"Clock tower?" said Shining Armor to himself. "What kind of weirdo is he?"

"He just keeps gettin' more n' more suspiciouser." Big Mac added with bad grammar.

"So I suppose you know a lot about the workings of a clock at this point?" asked Twilight.

"Oh definitely!" nodded Time Turner. "I've even constructed a few myself over the years, including one that I've been using since I was a teenager."

"That's amazing! You really are bright, Time Turner."

"I'm just an honest pony trying to make his way through the universe. But enough about me, so what's it like being a princess and all nowadays?"

"Oh I don't really pay it much mind." Twilight shrugged. "I'd rather just stay here in Ponyville, studying classic tomes and spending time with my friends. But I don't mind being called to save Equestria every now and then."

"Well you certainly seem to be good at it; among other things." Time Turner raised his eyebrows charmingly.

"Oh stop it, you're such a smoothie." Twilight blushed.

Shining Armor pondered while eavesdropping. "What is this guy planning, getting information on Twily?"

"Hey Armor," asked Big Mac, looking at the menu again. "Do ya think I'll bread sticks if I also order the soup of the day?"

"Will you please pay attention?" glowered Shining Armor.

"Well I can't eavesdrop on an empty stomach!"

"Howdy!" came a familiar little voice. "Do you folks mind if we get a photo?"

"Apple Bloom?" Big Mac at first wanted to tell his little sister and the other Cutie Mark Crusaders that it was just him and Shining Armor in disguise. But he hesitated, fearing the loud mouthed filly might blow his cover. He decided to stay the course.

"Um, might I ask why?" Shining Armor asked the trio, surprised at how well their disguises were working.

"We're doing a story on this restaurant for the Foal Free Press." Scootaloo explained. "And one of the photos we need is of a happy couple eating here. You two are just perfect for it!"

"Uh, okay sure, why not?" replied Shining Armor, as he leaned closer to Big Mac smiling for the camera.

"No no no," said Sweetie Belle. "It's not a real couple's photo unless you two kiss!"

"...What?"

"Yeah, c'mon you two." Apple Bloom urged happily. "Pucker up fer the camera!"

The two brothers looked at each other with horror. In any other situation, there was absolutely no way they would go through with something like kissing each other; especially when they've only been friends for a few days. But there was no backing out now. They had to keep the illusion or else risk being sold out to Twilight and her suspicious date. Slowly, the two shut their eyes tight and leaned toward each other reluctantly. After a very long few seconds of anticipation, they finally made contact with their barely protruding lips, and held until they heard the click of the camera.

"Aww, so cute!" cooed Sweetie Belle, as Scootaloo snapped the picture. Other patrons sitting nearby also admired the photogenic kiss.

"Thanks a bunch, ya'll!" said Apple Bloom as they left. "We'll get our news cutie marks yet!"

The fake couple finally parted, spewing the toxins out their mouths. "Oh dear Aunt Celestia! It tastes like sunflower seeds!" Shining Armor blurted in disgust.

"Ya think I enjoyed that anymore?!" Big Mac spit out. "When was the last time ya used lip balm?!"

"Why did I agree to these disguises?!"

"Ugh, I need to go wash off!" Big Mac bolted for the bathroom.

"Wait! Big Mac, don't"

Without thinking, the stallion in drag cantered into the men's bathroom, turning some confused heads as well.

Shining Armor washed his mouth out with the water from his hoof bowl. That's when he noticed Time Turner excusing himself from his table.

"Pardon me." He said as he headed for the restroom.

"Oh shoot!" Shining Armor frowned. "Big Mac, get out of there!"

But before he could think of a diversion, Time Turner already entered the men's room. All it took was one look at the burly red stallion in the pink dress, washing his face out in the sink. "Um...hello?" Time Turner spoke, quizzical.

Big Mac yelped startled, as he saw his target staring at him. He realized his blunder of running into the men's room in woman's clothing. He spoke back, forgetting his female impression. "Um, er, I can explain!"

Time Turner held up his hoof to stop him. "I think I understand pretty clearly. Say, you look familiar. Have we met?"

"Um...eh...ah...nnope?"

Just then, Shining Armor barged in, trying to stick to the lie. "Oh there you are, dear! Now what are you doing running into the men's room?" He said nervously. "Sorry, my good chap, my wife you see gets a little out of her head sometimes. Heh heh. But I do love her just the same."

"Wait, you look sort of familiar too." Time Turner pointed suspiciously.

"Forget it, Shinin' Armor, he knows!" panicked Big Mac.

"Darn it, hold him down!" ordered Armor.

"What the?! What's going on here?!" Time Turner darted between them, before he was ruthlessly tackled to the floor, and beaten into unconsciousness.

...

After an undetermined amount of time, Time Turner finally awoke in a daze. He looked in all directions, seeing nothing but blackness, when he realized that he had been tied to a chair. Then, a blinding white light switched on right above his head, revealing two large shadows before him. Time Turner's heartbeat quickened.

"Hey, what is this?! Where am I?! What do you want with me?!" he asked in fear.

Shining Armor revealed himself from the darkness. "We'll be asking the questions here, Time Turner." He said, grimly.

"Captain?" Turner recognized him. "What's this all about?"

"You know darn well." Big Mac stepped forward. "We don't like you messin' around with his little sister."

"What are you saying? You don't want me dating Twilight?"

"We can't be sure until you tell us who you really are!" Shining Armor pressed his face closer.

"This is just crazy!" Time Turner became aggravated. "Who do you take me for?! I'm Time Turner, who works in the Ponyville clock tower!"

"And just why do you spend your days tinkering with time?" asked Shining Armor.

"Oh gee, I don't know, maybe because it's my freaking cutie mark?!" he shot back, mockingly.

"But why are you suddenly datin' Twilight Sparkle?" interrogated Big Mac. "Who happens to be the latest princess of Equestria and one of the Elements of Harmony. Why would you wanna get so close to her?"

"Maybe I just think she's a wonderful pony to spend time with? Is that so hard to grasp?"

"We know you're hiding something!" growled Shining Armor. "I know my Twily, and she wouldn't just suddenly date somepony without even telling her own BBBFF!"

"Her own what?" queried Big Mac.

"Big Brother Best Friends Forever."

"Oh...yeah!"

"So obviously you're making her hide something too!" continued Shining Armor. "What is it that you and my sister know that you don't want anypony else to?!"

"...Well...I..." Time Turner actually began darting his eyes nervously, as if he did know something.

"Yes?!"

"Er...No! I have nothing to say! You're asking useless questions!" He remained stubborn.

"I suggest you tell us right away, Turner," threatened Shining Armor. "Because Big Mac here hasn't done any applebucking today, and he's itching for a few kicks."

Big Mac sneered at their captive, even blowing steam out of his nostrils.

Time Turner began to sweat, but remained steadfast. "No! You're both crazy! I'm not hiding anything! Let me out of here for the love of Celestia!"

"Tell us, Time Turner!" barked Armor.

"No way!"

"Tell us, ya snake!" added Big Mac.

"Bug off!"

"TELL US!!!" they both ordered.

At last, he finally caved in. "Alright I'll tell you! I'm the Doctor!"

"...the what now?"

"Yes, that's the truth! I'm the Doctor!" Time Turner admitted with no regrets. "I travel through time in a magic police box trying to save Equestria from certain doom. I'm not just some random pony form town. I'm...a Time Lord!"

"...What the hay is he talking about?" Shining Armor asked his partner.

"I'm telling you the truth!" urged Time Turner. "I had to keep my identity secret, so I wouldn't draw my enemies to Ponyville. I recently decided to make Twilight my newest companion to help me on my missions. That's why I was trying to earn her trust; she is a very clever and powerful pony and I could really use her help. You see, all of Equestria is in grave danger."

"Of what?" asked Big Mac.

"There is an entire army of Daleks is heading our way! Only I, combined with the Elements of Harmony, can defeat the oncoming hoards and protect ponykind. Now you know the truth."

A long pause settled before Big Mac spoke. "Well, Armor, it looks like this guy isn't evil or suspicious at all," he said. "He's just a nutjob!"

"Yeah!" agreed Shining Armor. "I'm not gonna let Twily get tangled with an insane lunatic like him!"

"What?! I'm not crazy! I've seen the Daleks with my own eyes!" pleaded Turner. "I can even show you the TARDIS!"

"Whatever you say, pal." Shining Armor nodded. "I think I know exactly what to do with you."

...

"Thank you two so much for giving him to us," said Nurse Redheart, outside the Ponyville hospital. "We'll do everything we can to help his mental condition."

"It's our pleasure, Nurse," replied Shining Armor, shoving Time Turner to her. "I don't know what he would've done if we let him near Twilight any longer."

"Okay, Mr. Turner," the nurse smiled, as she guided him into a wheelchair. "Let's take you to your nice new soft room."

"No! Wait! I'm telling you the truth!" cried Time Turner. "The Daleks will kill us all!"

"Of course they will, Mr. Turner." Nurse Redheart rolled him down the hallway toward the insane ward.

"No! You can't do this! I'm the Doctor I tell you! I'm the Doctor! I'M THE DOCTOR!!! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

The End?

Chapter 4: The End?

Later in the night, after disposing of the dangerous lunatic known as Time Turner, Shining Armor felt a new peace of mind as he groomed himself in the guest bathroom at the library. He combed his blue mane into different eccentric styles, making suave faces in the mirror. After pretending to be Elvis Pranceley, he was interrupted by his wife entering the bathroom.

"Shining dear, can I come in?" asked Cadence.

Armor turned around and wiped a shaving cream beard off his face. "Oh hey Cadence. Sure, what's up?"

"Something awfully strange has happened with Twilight." She said. "You know her new coltfriend, Time Turner?"

"Why, I believe so." He shrugged, keeping his lie intact.

"Well he just disappeared right in the middle of their date, just a few hours ago. Twilight's really worried, and she's starting to suspect that he just walked out on her."

"What? No way!" Shining Armor played innocent. "That's terrible! I hope Time Turner is alright wherever he is."

"Armor, you don't sound very concerned." Cadence said discerningly. "Your sister is upset over the whole thing."

"Oh...she's bummed out, huh?" Shining Armor's reaction suddenly became real. The thought of his little sis becoming distraught didn't sit well with him. In fact, it was what he wanted to prevent the whole time.

"You're her brother, Shining," said Cadence. "She could really use some cheering up right now."

"Don't worry, I think I know a way how." He reassured her. "Tomorrow, I'll make sure she doesn't even remember Time Turner ever left her."

"That's my sweet Shiny." Cadence kissed him on the nose. "Now come to bed, will you? And stop admiring yourself in the mirror. You look better without a beard."

"Heh heh, yes dear."

...

"Thanks for hanging out with me again, big brother." Twilight said as the two of them played a game of chess in the library. "The whole incident with Time Turner yesterday has just really gotten me down."

"It's no trouble, Twily," replied Armor. "I just feel terrible about it...really. But hey, your BBBFF is going to make everything okay. I have a friend from Canterlot who will be happy to be your special somepony."

"Really? Gosh, Shining Armor, I don't know if I even want to be dating again."

"Trust me, this guy's a true gentlecolt. He'd never ditch you in the middle of a romantic dinner." That's when the doorbell rang, and Shining Armor excused himself. "Ah, that must be him now."

"Wait, you didn't tell me he was coming over now." Twilight protested.

"Well it was heavily implied for the readers." Shining Armor answered the door. "Twilight, I'd like you to meet my good friend, the noblest and classiest pony in Canterlot, Fancy Pants!"

The esteemed guest tipped his hat. "Enchante, Miss Sparkle." Fancy greeted politely.

"Fancy Pants? Hey, I remember you from that garden party with Rarity." Twilight smiled at him. "It's really nice to see you again, Mr. Pants."

"Darling, you can just call me...Fancy." The charming aristocrat took her hoof and kissed it with a raised eyebrow. Miraculously, Twilight began to blush.

"See, Twily? This guy's a saint." Shining Armor said. "I told him about your problem with Time Tuner, and he said he'd be glad to cheer you up. And if Fancy Pants isn't a romantic, I don't know is."

"Well, I guess I can't stay moping about Time Turner forever." Twilight figured. "Plus it would be nice to spend some time with celebrated stallion like yourself, Fancy Pants."

"Nothing to fear, milady," replied Fancy Pants. "I shall do nothing more than show you a good time." He then extended his hoof. "Shall we? I've reserved a booth at Hors d'œuvres just for the two of us. And don't worry, Miss Sparkle, the bill is on me."

"I'd love to!" Twilight took his hoof in escort.

"Have fun you two!" Shining Armor showed them out nonchalantly. But just as soon as they left, Big Macintosh arrived.

"Howdy Armor," he said. "Who was that fancy lookin' pony with the pants?"

"My friend, that was Fancy Pants, one of Canterlot's elite." Shining Armor explained. "I just set him up with Twily to make her feel better after Time Turner "disappeared". Ya see? Everything worked out in the-"

Big Mac immediately cut him off by slapping him hard across the face. "Are you outta yer pony flippin' mind, ya dingbat?!" He pressed into his face. "You gone an' set 'er up with another stallion?!"

"Hey hey hey!" Armor pushed him away. "There's nothing to worry about! Fancy Pants is a true gentlecolt. I know him from my aunts' parties in Canterlot. We can totally trust him right off the bat."

"Yer seriously hitchin' up yer sister with one o' them rich types?" discerned Big Mac. "I thought you knew better, Armor. And besides, I thought Fancy Pants was datin' that famous supermodel."

"Who, Fleur de Lis? No, he dumped her once he found out she was having somepony else's foal."

Big Mac stared at him with befuddlement. "...You Canterlot ponies are twisted."

"Look, I can't think of a better match for Twilight than Fancy Pants. I just couldn't stand to have my little sis be so worked up about a guy who wouldn't be. So I'll have you know I've got everything under control. And why did you come over anyway?"

"We got a problem, Shinin'." Big Mac explained. "AJ is startin' to snoop around, wonderin' where Caramel's gone. She wants me to help her find him; but I don't have a clue what to do! I hate lyin' to my own sister, but if she found out what happened to him, she'd have my hide faster than a rattlesnake on caffeine. I'm startin' to think this whole operation was just nothin' but trouble."

"We're not backing down now, soldier." Shining Armor glowered. "You have to keep Applejack at bay until she completely forgets about Caramel."

"Now hang on, pardner." Big Mac stomped his hoof. "You got me into this lil' charade, so yer gonna help me out. An' I think I know just how."

...

Later that night, Big Mac led the middle Apple child through the older trees in the outer section of the family farm. Applejack had been getting more and more stressed over the past few days since the "disappearance" of her poor Caramel.

"Big Mac, are you sure you really met Caramel out here?" she asked.

"Eeyup." Big Mac casually walked along with her through the woods.

"Why in Equestria would he be hangin' around in the orchards? That don't make much sense."

"Hold on, AJ," said Big Mac, looking at a watch. "We're right on time. He said he would meet us out here in secrecy. Eeyup, there he is now."

Over a small hill ahead, a darkened figure appeared seemingly out of the trees. Sure enough, the moonlight revealed a tan stallion with a neat brown mane, smiling at Applejack.

"Caramel!" beamed Applejack. "Is it really you?"

Shining Armor tried his best to disguise his voice, without coughing from the fumes of the tan paint on his coat. "That's right, Applejack. Don't worry, I'm perfectly safe."

"Oh Caramel, I've just been worried sick!" She ran up to hug him.

"No no, Applejack, I'm afraid this is no time for hugs." Armor kept her from getting a closer look at him. "I have something to confess. There is a reason why I disappeared for so long."

"What are ya sayin', sugarcube?"

"You see, Caramel is just my alter ego. For I am actually..." In a split-second blur, Shining Armor retreated into a bush and immediately returned. This time, he also sported a black sun hat, mask, cape, and a mustache. "El Caballo Libre!" he announced in a Latino accent. "I am a lone hero in the San Palomino Desert, ridding innocent towns of scum and villainy. But my identity is kept a secret."

Applejack stared at him quizzically. "...Yer pullin' mah tail."

"It is the truth, Applejack." El Caballo Libre replied. "I am even trained in swordsmanship." He used is Royal Guard training to demonstrate his skill with a saber, and carved the letter C.L. into a nearby tree trunk. "So you see, my dear filly, I can no longer grow attached to you. If my enemies found me with you, your life will be in jeopardy. And so, it is with a heavy heart that I must part ways." Armor laid down the suave drama pretty thick.

"Caramel, don't say that." Applejack looked concerned. "We can still make it work, darlin'."

"Please, my sweet sopapilla, forget about me." The masked pony hid his face under his hat. "I would only bring nothing but trouble to you and the rest of Ponyville. My place is San Palomino." He then shielded himself with his cape theatrically. "Adios, my desert flower." He swept away into the darkness, like a shadow in the night.

Applejack looked on in solemn longing. "Adios...sugarcube."

Big Mac lent a comforting hoof around her shoulder. "I'm awful sorry ya had to hear that, AJ. But it's like I said, he's got other places to be. I wouldn't get too worked up about him leavin'. Besides, he'll always remember ya."

After long contemplation, Applejack finally sighed. "Yer right, Big Bro." She said softly. "I love Caramel, but I wouldn't wanna hold him back. I guess if ya love somethin', let it go." She hugged him warmly. "Thanks for tellin' me, Big Mac."

"That's what big brothers are for. Now why dontcha head back home? I'll meet ya for some apple tarts."

Miraculously accepting of her coltfriend's leaving, Applejack walked back through the orchard toward home. As soon as the coast was clear, Shining Armor appeared out from the bushes again, still in his El Caballo Libre costume.

"Man, that had to have been the craziest lie you ever made, Big Mac." He spoke in his normal voice. "But it worked out. I gotta hand it to you."

"This oughta put that weirdo onion farmer out of her mind for good." Big Mac replied. "Thanks for helpin' me out again, pardner."

"Hey it was kind of fun. I think I might save this Caballo Libre persona for Cadence. Put a little smooth-talk on her!"

"Yeah, I didn't need to know that. Now will ya please take that dern costume off?"

"El Caballo Libre reveals himself to nopony!" he blurted in his fake accent again. "I am off to clash swords with crime once again! EL CABALLO LIBRE!!!" Shining Armor galloped away slashing his sword and trilling loudly. Big Mac simply facehoofed.

Big Brother Best Friends Forever

Chapter 5: Big Brother Best Friends Forever

Down in the cellar of the Golden Oak Library, Shining Armor and Big Macintosh were locked in a heated battle to pit their strengths against each other. For hours, the two stallions exchanged swift moves and brutal strategies, but neither would back down. They were two clashing titans, evenly matched in the longest game of ping pong ever. After Big Mac took another swing, Shining Armor tried to counter but missed by a hair.

"Out! It was over the line!" he stated.

"My red flank that was over the line!" retorted Big Mac. "It was on the line! You just swung like a filly!"

"There was no way that on the line! You calling me a liar?!" glared Armor.

"I ain't callin' for directions!"

The two then engaged in a hoof wrestle to settle the debate. But their quarrel was immediately cut short. "Shining Armor!" came a shrill female voice from upstairs.

Shining Armor gulped and looked up to see Cadence staring daggers at him. "Uh, Cadence dear," he tried to play innocent. "What ever could be the matter?"

"I think you have some apologizing to do for your sister." She said.

It seemed that the jig was up. Shining Armor began to panic. Twilight must have found out what he did to Time Turner. Summoning whatever courage he could, he braced himself for a hard explanation.

"I mean what were you thinking, setting Twily up with a pony like Fancy Pants?" scolded Cadence.

Shining Armor paused a bit. "Wait...what?"

"Didn't you hear what happened last night?" she resumed. "They were on their date at the restaurant when Fancy Pants found out that Fleur de Lis wanted him back. So he just up and left her in the middle of dinner! Shining, you should've known that man would do something like this. He's not the most trusting at all."

"...Oh...Oh jeez. I had no idea." Shining Armor's fear then turned to concern as he headed up the stairs to the main room of the library. Sure enough, Twilight was sitting in a ball on the couch, disgruntled by her de-ja-vu with a bad date. "Ah Twily, I'm so sorry." Armor tried to comfort her. "I didn't mean for this to happen again."

Twilight sighed. "You don't have to blame yourself, Big Brother. I know you were just trying to make me feel better. I guess I'm just officially done with men altogether."

"Hey, cheer up, Twi." Big Mac approached her. "Ya still got yer big brothers here. And who knows? Maybe your stallion caller is still out there." He then received a nudge from Shining Armor telling him not to push it.

Twilight smiled at the humble farm pony. "Thanks, Big Mac, I forgot you're kind of my big brother too."

"Eeyup!"

"Hey Big Mac!" came a new voice from the front door. In stepped Applejack with a strange little calm smile on her face.

"AJ? What're ya doin' here?" asked Big Mac.

She approached him rather quizzically. "I was just wonderin' if ya seen El Caballo Libre anywhere."

At first, he racked his brain having no idea what she was talking about. But then the events of last night finally came back to him. "Oh! Uh, yeah, um, I haven't really seen him. But, uh, I heard he was seen hoppin' a train to Dodge City. I bet he's on his way to...um...to uh..." That's when Big Mac paused at the skeptical look on his sister's face. "...You didn't buy it, did you?"

"You actually thought I believed that whole El Caballo Loco jargon?" glowered Applejack. "Please! Just how dumb do ya think I am, Big Brother?!"

"Uh, well, I thought you, um..."

"Save it, Big Mac," she interrogated. "I know ya had somethin' to do with Caramel goin' missin'! And I ain't leavin' till I find out! So spill it, ya big galoot!"

Big Mac began to sweat profusely. His mind was blocked with too much fear of his watchful sister to think clearly and get himself off the hook. He darted his eyes at Shining Armor for help, but even he had nothing to back him up with. After a few painful seconds, Big Mac opened his mouth to speak when suddenly, yet another visitor arrived out of the blue.

"Greetings, friends, I have returned." A familiar tan pony spoke from outside the doorway.

Applejack turned around. "Caramel?! Is that really you?!"

"Indeed it is, my good Applejack." Caramel spoke in an odd sagely manner.

"Oh mah gosh, Caramel!" Applejack quickly hugged him. "I'm so glad yer alright! Everypony was worried sick!...But tell me, why in Equestria are ya wearin' that doohickey on yer head?!" she pointed at a feathered headdress that sat atop Caramel's head, added with blue and red paint markings on his face.

"Allow me to explain, Applejack." Caramel said, unusually calm. "You see, it was your brother, Big Macintosh, was responsible for my disappearance."

"I knew it!" stomped Applejack.

"In truth, he hooked me to the back of a train and sent me off to the faraway town of Appleloosa. I managed to struggle free, but found myself lost in the unforgiving desert. I would've been doomed, if not for the noble buffalo tribe, who took me into their village and healed me. I told them about my situation and wanted furiously to get back at your brother. But it was then that Chief Thunderhooves taught me to find forgiveness, by introducing me to the spiritual ways of his ancestors. And so, through constant meditation and walkabouts, I am a better pony and have learned to forgive Big Macintosh for his misdeed, thanks to the spiritual teachings of the buffalo." Caramel crossed his hooves in praise.

"Spiritual teachings? Walkabouts?! You were only gone for three days!" Shining Armor raised his hooves in confusion.

"Alas, Applejack, I am sorry." Caramel continued. "I only wanted to earn your heart in the hopes of sharing my enterprise in onion farming with you. But I was misguided then. I only hope you will find forgiveness in me, and your brother as I have."

"YOU HAY-BRAINED SON OF A MULE!!!"

"Uh oh." Big Mac was done for.

"I cannot believe mah ears!" Applejack backed him into a wall after putting the pieces together. "You banished my coltfriend just cause he's an onion farmer?! You stupid lug! Caramel's yer friend! How could ya just haul him off like that?! He could've died out there! Just what in the name of Celestia were you thinkin', Mac?!"

Big Mac cowered under his sister's berating. But it was only then that he realized the true cause for this whole mess. In surrender, he pointed his hoof at his comrade. "It's all Shinin' Armor's fault!"

Everypony gasped as the blame was shifted to Shining Armor. "Me?! You traitor! What the hay is that supposed to mean?!"

"Hey, what's all the yelling about?" asked Spike who slumped in.

"NOT NOW, SPIKE!" everypony shouted.

"Okay okay, jeez!" he walked back out.

"Shining, just what exactly do you have to do with this?" queried Cadence.

Big Mac glared at him as well. "He was the one who convinced me to hunt down Caramel! When I told him that Twilight and AJ were datin', he went n' gotten himself all up in a panic and got suspicious of Caramel and Time Turner. He told me that they might be out to cause harm to our sisters, and that we had to protect them. I would've just fine with Caramel hangin' around with AJ, if he hadn't put all that nonsense in mah head!"

"You can't put this whole rap on me, you hillbilly!" barked Shining Armor.

"You're the one who started it, metalhead!" Big Mac sneered as they bucked heads together.

"Both of you stop it!" Twilight shouted and parted the two with her magic. Then she scolded her brother. "Is this true, Shining Armor? Were you responsible for Time Turner going missing? Is this the reason why I had to pay a fancy dinner bill by myself?! Twice?!" she grew agitated.

Shining Armor sighed, giving up the ship. "Okay, yes, I kidnapped Time Turner to find out who he really was. But it turned out he was a whackjob! I wasn't going to let a dangerous lunatic anywhere near my sister."

"That is ridiculous, Shining!" scorned Twilight. "You have no right to interfere with who I spend time with, even if you are family! Why would you do such a thing?"

"Because...because...because I don't recognize you anymore!"

"...What are you saying?"

He began to grow dour. "Look, Twily, I know it seems cliche for a brother to be overprotective about his little sister. But I can't help it. We bonded so much when you were a filly. And now with your coronation, and the Elements of Harmony, even ever since you moved to Ponyville, it struck me that the little filly I knew was gone. And I guess I just couldn't grasp that. Just the thought of you being romantically involved with a strange stallion must've pushed me over the edge and I ended up out of my head. I was...I was just scared."

Twilight stared at his brother, both in disbelief and pity. But she knew she had to lend a hoof to him. "Shining Armor, you know you shouldn't feel that way. It's perfectly natural for siblings to want to protect one another. But you have to face it, I'm already grown up. And that's nothing to panic about." She touched his shoulder. "Shining, I know you meant well, and I'm sure Big Mac did too. But I'm still your little sis, and I always will be. I can't say if I'll end up with a stallion, or just how much the rest of my life will change. But no matter what, you're still my BBBFF."

Shining Armor took his sister's words to heart. He had finally realized just how foolish he was. But one look in Twilight's forgiving smile assured him that he was not such a fool after all. Armor smiled back. "I guess that's all I needed to hear."

"Oh come here, big bro." Twilight offered him a hug.

"Thanks, Twily. I'm so sorry." He held her tight. "And Big Mac, I'm sorry I made you paranoid about your own sister."

"Nope, I have just as much blame, pardner." Big Mac turned to Applejack. "AJ, I don't blame Shinin' Armor for what happened. I was guess I was just scared too. I was a darn fool who let his heart get ahead of his head. How can ya ever forgive me?"

"Hey, don't beat yerself up, brother." Applejack replied. "We Apples gotta look out fer each other. Even if it means tyin' my coltfriend to a train outta town, I guess there's some way to justify that. But don't you ever go lyin' to me again. If ya got somethin' that's eatin' ya, just tell me like always. Can ya do that for me, big bro?"

Big Mac smiled, regaining his sanity as well. "Eeyup!"

"That's my big idiot!" the two siblings hugged warmly.

"Excellent." Caramel smiled. "Families are reunited by forgiveness. Come friends, let us join in a sacred chant." He then held a very low note. "OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHH-"

"Get outta here ya freak!" snapped Applejack.

"Fine, I'll go!" Caramel threw his headdress on the floor as he turned away to leave in a huff. "See if I try to be spiritual and righteous. You guys are jerks!"

"Well I guess we won't be seeing much of him." Shining Armor said. "But what do we do about Time Turner?"

...

In a lonely cell at the hospital psych ward, Time Turner sat in the corner constrained by a straight jacket, and laughed wildly to himself. "I'm the Doctor! I'm the Doctor! Daleks! Companion! TARDIS! AH HA HA HEE HA HOO HOO HEE HA HOO!!!"

...

The next day, all seemed to be well as the brothers learned the error of their ways. Twilight, Applejack and Cadence strolled through town, free of dealing with the stupidity of men. After doing a bit of shopping in the marketplace, it was time for something a little more entertaining.

"Twilight, I'm really sorry that Shiny put you through all that." Cadence said. "I swear I had nothing to do with his behavior."

"There's nothing to apologize for, Cadence." Twilight replied. "My brother learned his lesson, and that's all there is to it. We shouldn't let this distract us from your visit."

"Besides," added Applejack. "I knew the perfect punishment for those two, once Apple Bloom realized the boys were spyin' on Twilight. Thank you, Foal Free Press!"

Over in town square, the three mares arrived at where a sizable crowd was gathering to watch. Everypony laughed, cheered, and took pictures, as Shining Armor and Big Mac were matched in a romantic dance to classical music, wearing their disguises from the restaurant. The brothers swallowed their pride, knowing that they had this humiliation coming to them, and waltzed gracefully around the square to the crowd's delight.

"Whoo hoo!" whinnied Applejack. "Cut a rug, you love birds!"

"Oh my goodness!" chuckled Cadence. "Shining's a better dancer with him than with me!"

"They do make a pretty cute couple, though!" giggled Twilight.

Shining Armor and Big Mac held their hooves as they waltzed. "Well, I can't say this hasn't been a bonding experience for us." Shining Armor said, begrudgingly.

"Don't get all soft on me," sulked Big Mac as he brushed his wig out of his face. "This is already weird enough."

"Ow! You stepped on my foot! I told you to let me lead!"

"Are you kiddin' me? You got two left hooves!"

"Don't start with me, you bumpkin!"

"I could take you on, city boy!"

Shining Armor tried to divert away from another quarrel. "...You know, that dress actually doesn't look bad on you."

"And that tux fits you pretty well." Big Mac replied.

They both stared at each other in an awkward silence. Then they shared a laugh at the random remarks. "Heh heh, I'm gonna kill you later for this, pardner." Big Mac chuckled.

"Sure you will, Big Mac, sure you will." Shining Armor then dipped Big Mac over in a big finish, as the rest of the ponies clapped and cheered.

THE END