Episode 1: Doctor and Derpy's Excellent Adventure on the NES
Doctor and Derpy's Excellent Adventure on the NES
The Adorable Video Game Colt
Episode 1: Doctor and Derpy's Excellent Adventure on the NES
The camera turned on, revealing Button Mash standing right in front of it. He backed away, making sure the camera was straight. He smiled, then he walked to the left.
"Alright, Sweetie Belle! Sing the song!" he shouted.
Sweetie Belle peeked into the camera's line of sight, then gasped and backed off quickly.
"NO! I can't do it!"
"Aw, come on, don't be shy!"
"I can't! I just can't!"
"*sigh* Okay, how about this. You sing off camera, and just peek in from time to time. Okay?"
"O. . .kay."
"Good. Cue music!"
There was the sound of a cassette player being turned on, and guitar music started to play.
Button Mash jumped in front of the camera and hit buttons on the NES controller as Sweetie Belle sang.
He's gonna play some video games
He's gonna play them all night an day
Sweetie Belle stepped out behind Button and sang a bit.
He's chocolate brown,
He's eight years old,
He's got a brother, a mom, and a dad.
Sweetie Belle jumped away quickly, and the camera changed to a shot of Button's mother snatching a hoof-held out of Button's hooves, much to Button's dismay.
The camera changed back to Sweetie Belle singing while half hiding behind Button.
His hair's light brown,
He drinks from boxes,
The camera changed again to Button drinking from a juice box, but then doing a spit-take at the game screen.
And his model trains burst into flames.
Button stared at his parents' old video game machine in confusion.
It switched back to Sweetie Belle and Button.
He's the adorablest gamer in the world
He's the adorable Nintendo colt
Button threw his controller down angrily and jumped up and down on it.
He's the adorable Atari/SEGA colt
He's The Adorable Video Game Colt
Sweetie Belle finished singing and quickly ran off screen.
Button Mash held a cardboard NES Game Cartridge box in his hooves. It depicted Doctor Whooves and Derpy Hooves standing on top of a blue phone booth as it flew through space.
"What happens when you take two random ponies like Mr. Turner and Miss Whooves, and put them in an NES game?" Button asked, "Time Turner, or Doctor Whooves in this game, has a magical phone booth that can travel through time, and he and Miss Hooves go on adventures through time, and they meet famous historical figures. It's weird, but it sounds cool, and it seemed like a good idea. It had fun characters, time travel, and adventure. So how could you mess it up?" Button's smile disappeared. "You want to know?" he asked.
Button moved his hoof and revealed the FRI logo, and pointed to it. The three letters were stamped over a sack of money.
"That's how," Button said with a frown.
Button put the game into his NES and turned it on. It showed Doctor Whooves and Derpy standing in front of a the phone booth. A Pegasus guard flew over to them and told them about a gang of evil Time Rebels.
"Yeah, this game was made by FRI, Filthy Rich Industries. The masters of horribleness; the unholy money bag stamp of death. The plot of the game is that rebels have gone back in time, taken famous historical figures, and put them in different time periods. The goal is to find them all and put them back in their correct time periods."
Button blinked and coked his head in confusion, "Who are these time rebels, and why do they want to do this? Well, guess what. They're never referred to again. Yeah, they're just for your imagination."
Button looked up, and his propeller hat spun twice as fast. A thought bubble of the time rebels appeared over his head. It was a group of three dragons, hanging around what looked like the Everfree Forest.
Red Dragon: "Man, wouldn't it be funny if we put Smart Cookie in Ancient Egypt?"
Purple Dragon: "How about Galineigho in the Jurassic period?"
The dragons all chuckled as a brown dragon shoveled gems into his mouth.
Purple Dragon: "We're jerks!"
Button grinned as the thought bubble faded, "Well, the reason you're trying to return these historical figures to their proper times is to prevent history from being altered. Specifically, to make sure muffins are invented."
Button suddenly face hooved, "Really? That's...the whole big deal? Not to prevent some major catastrophe, but instead, a naked cupcake?"
On the game screen, a book appeared.
"The first thing that happens when you start the game, you're given a phone book with numbers for the historical ponies. If you try calling any of these people, nothing happens. Not that any of these ponies would have phone numbers anyway! There's no in-game instructions. No. You're left on your own to figure this out. Like, 'good luck, sucker!'."
Button stopped on a page with Chancellor Puddinghead on it and pointed, "Oh look, there's a blinking red number under the number. I guess I'm supposed to call that. Alright, well thanks for making me flip through all those stupid pages!"
The screen changed to the phone booth flying over a black background with a bunch of lines and numbers.
"Next thing, you're in what they call a 'time circuit' where you have to shoot the phone booth across all the digits of the phone number you're trying to call. You'd think they overthought this a little? How about just a cutscene showing the phone booth spiraling into a time warp? Again, there's no instructions. I guess I gotta hit all the digits in order, and that pink ring is to help...guide the phone booth? I'm just guessing here."
Button sighed as he pressed on the D-pad on his controller as the phone booth flew around and made beeping noises.
"What's the point of this?!" Button shouted impatiently, "Why can't ya just start the game? Couldn't you just dial the number and go straight to the stage? And speaking of that, what's the point of dialing the number? How about just, select the page with the pony you're trying to get to? But that doesn't matter either because Puddinghead's always the first one it lets you call! Why couldn't it be like the Mega Mare games, where you can play whatever stage you want? Here, everything has to be done in the order the game wants you to! So all this page turning, dialing, and time circuit stuff is just boring and it's not even fun!"
Button soon noticed that as he was talking, the phone booth had started moving through the circuits on its own.
Button's eyes widened, "Wait...it's automatic?" Button put his controlled down and stared, "You just...do nothing?"
"Yeah. If you wait long enough, the phone booth will go through the circuits on its own. The drawback: if you let it do that, it costs coins. If you run out of coins, Game Over. So you obviously want to save as many as possible. That's the only advantage to blasting yourself outside the circuits: free time travel. In the later stages, the time circuits get harder. You have to avoid the skulls because they take your coins. And..."
Button noticed that the time circuit had stopped short, "Where's the rest of the circuits, by the way? Isn't there supposed to be one more digit?! Where is it?!
The phone booth flew to the far right and off the circuits where two more pink skulls appeared.
Button's jaw dropped. "You've GOT to be kidding me! It's all the way out there?! Who would know to do that?!"
"And if that's not crazy enough, you have to hit one of the pink skulls! One of them takes your coins, the other one makes the last digit appear! So it's a 50 percent chance you'll get the right one! That...is some supreme cheating!"
The screen changed to Doctor Whooves walking in a grassy field with dirt paths.
"Once you finally get to the real game, you'll realize how bad this game really is. But first, the basics. As you noticed, they attempted a three-dimensional world. On the NES? Wow! But you're still stuck to moving at 90-degree angles."
"You play as either Doctor or Derpy. They don't interact on-screen together. That's not fair."
"So, we're looking for Chancellor Puddinghead. And you know what? They could've made this game educational. I mean, I like video games, but I like school too! I actually thought the Sunday before the first day of school was the first day of school. True story. Ask my mom. I like learning about stuff."
"Anyway, back to the game. It didn't have to go overboard - it could have still been an action adventure game, with a few fact thrown in. It's all about finding the historical pony, but after you find them, how come you don't get to return them to where they belong! Wouldn't it be nice if they at least had a little description there to tell you who Puddinghead is, instead of just her fake phone number?!"
"And all these time periods are so vague. They're mostly just graphical redesigns of the same stage over and over again! They don't tell where or when any of this is supposed to be."
Button frowned, "There's games that are educational, but stink as a game, but this game... just stinks both ways!"
The in-game music suddenly stopped.
"Where'd the music go?" Button asked curiously. He tapped the side of the TV, and the frowned, "I kid you not, every time you start the game, the music lasts for 30 seconds, then stops. I'm not complaining too much, because the music's terrible, but why? They didn't know how to program it to loop? The rest of the sound effects sound like Atari 2600. There's just two sounds: jumping, and falling on your flank. Get used to those two sound effects; that's most of what you'll ever hear."
"Back to the controls: You can never see where you're going because you're always waiting for the screen to catch up. AW man, I hate that! And instead of giving you freedom to walk around, you have to follow the path. Apparently, Derpy can't walk on grass! You can't even get near the side of the path. If you cut the corner too sharp, you get stuck. And it takes you on the most indirect route possible!"
The game character walked along the winding path, which kept turning left and right over and over again.
Button groaned, and swore in Humgonian in frustration, "Denkalith!"
The character jumped and landed on the grass. It tried to jump up, but it didn't seem to move very far.
"If you jump into the green, you're stuck as gum on Snips and Snail's bum. You have to keep hopping until you get out. It's like trying to get out of a sand trap on a golf course!"
Button mashed the button, trying to get the character out.
"Come on! Come on! Ugh! Denkalith!"
"This is among the most annoying things in video gaming history! This is like the bombs in Dr. Sparkle and Mr. Shine, the narrow jumps in Ninja Tortoises, the snipers in Buck Tracy, the stairs in Ghostgigglers, the pits in Skylan-..."
Button Mash shuddered at the though of Skylanders, giving a quick look at the Spyro figurine on his desk, "Ugh!"
The character began walking on a grassy field.
Button smaked his forehead, "Oh, but sometimes it lets you walk on the green! Yeah, sometimes! It's one of those games that keeps changing the rules."
The character jumped outside of the screen, falls and disappears.
Button blinked, "What happened here? Where'd I go? I found some kind of glitch!"
The character reappeared and ran away from a bunch of Earth Pony guards.
"The enemies are just random ponies; some of them take your coins and some of them take you to the dungeon."
Button tried to outrun an enemy.
"Come on, come co, come on..."
The character fell on the grass.
"No! UNNGH!" Button shouted as the enemy caught him.
"The ponies who stand still help you out: they give you coins or, better yet, weapons."
Button threw a weapon, and it flies far over the enemy in an arc. The enemy then caught him.
Button's left eye twitched, "I - uh - alright?"
"All the weapons have the same range: they just fly about ten miles away! There's no straight attack! How about a crossbow or something? No, you know what you're using? You know what this weapon is? It's a textbook."
Button looked wide eyed at the screen, "A textbook that explodes!"
"By the way, this won't change history at all. Let's go around, blowing ponies up. Let's kill some ancestors. That's real great. As long as it doesn't affect the invention of muffins! When they come back to the present, it's going to be some kind of Planet of the Timberwolves stuff. They're going to be served muffins by intelligent chickens!"
"Another item you can get is an audio cassette. I love how the guard casually says, 'Derpy asked me to give you this audio cassette,' as if he would have any idea what that is! What does it do? It plays music and makes everybody dance. It's real helpful, especially since you don't even need a cassette player; just throw the cassette on the ground!"
Button held up a cassette.
"Hey! Want to listen to some tunes?" Button asked.
He threw the cassette away so that it lands on the floor. The cassette starts playing, and Button starts dancing to it.
Button picked up the controller again, "Okay, so where is Puddinghead? You can explore this whole land, but you won't find her anywhere. That's because you need to lure her out, with bait! "
Button blinked, "I don't get it."
"The bait can be any random object. There's four of them hidden on each stage; one of them will make Puddinghead appear in one of the random houses. How do you find this bait? You want to know? Guess what? By jumping into things!"
The character jumps into a tree, and falls.
Button frowned, "This game treats you like an idiot! Like, 'Hey kids, you want to play a game? Well, here you go! Go jumping around into bushes and fences! That'll keep you busy! Have fun'! This is worse than that weird line, dot, thingy mom gave me!"
"This is so stupid! You have to roam the entire stage jumping into everything, and I mean everything! There's ponies who give you clues. Sometimes it's as simple as going up and talking to them; other times, you have to select your own responses! The right answer will lead to another thing you have to respond to, and then, another thing - and you just get stuck in this whole dialogue tree! I hate this! I want to play a video game, not talk to a screen! Also, you have to use A to switch through responses and B to select the response you want. How about just left or right, and then the button to select because, the first time playing, you'll never know if it's A or B so you'll always end up selecting something that you don't want! It's trial and error, and it feels like a mean joke."
"When you do get a clue, it's always something vague like 'Look for something strange in a tree' or 'Look near the crossroads'. That really helps. Near the crossroads? Which crossroads?! This is like Palacevania II and Faust II! And I love it when they use directions like north and south."
Button placed his face close to the screen and shouted, "The game is slanted at a 45-degree angle! Which way is south?! How about a compass? How about a map? How about anything?"
Button jumped into a tree, and falls.
"Oh, that's nice! I'm stuck! Is this where the scenery runs out?" Button complained.
"Then there's all these open doors that you can't go in. That's another peeve of mine. If you can't go in the door, don't have a door there! At least make the door closed! It's like those mean 'You could be a winner' stickers on boxes of juice. I hate games that do that!"
"Forget this, I'm going to get the Power! Nintendo Power!"
Button got up and jumped into his desk.
"Uaagh!" Button said as he hit the ground, "Ugh! Wasn't there..."
Button got up and walked over to a shelf full of magazines. He jumped up again, with hooves up.
"Ow!" Button shouted as he hit the shelf, dislodging a magazine. "Ugh..." Button said as noticed the magazine. He smiled as he picked it up. He opened it up to a map of the stage.
"Well, it helps to visualize the layout of the stage, but where's the starting point? I'd like to know where I am. You know what? That's because the game always starts you somewhere different. You can control where it starts you; when the time circuit finishes, you're supposed to hold up, or down, or something - I don't know, it gives me a headache. Owie..."
"Then there's certain doors that act as warp zones and transport you somewhere else. The magazine doesn't tell me that, either. It doesn't even tell me where the historical dudes are. I know they appear in random houses, but there's probably a few different designated spots! For the bait, it just gives you a circle, showing the vague area where they are, not the exact bush or fence."
Button sighed as he closed the magazine and put it back on the shelf.
"Wow... Nintendo Power just didn't bother. I guess the game was just too junky."
Button smiled again and jumped up happily, "Well, at least I have an idea where to look now!"
The game character found a stage prop.
"Nice! I found something!" Button said.
"By looking at the magazine, you may call that cheating, but the game doesn't even play by its own rules! This game is one big cheat!"
Button stopped and rubbed his chin thoughtfully, "I wonder. . . If this happened in real life, and I could bring a historical figure from the past to History class, would Cheerilee give me an automatic A, or say, 'Yeah, that's pretty amazing you brought Private Pansy here...but you've still got to pass the test.'"
Button had the character walk into a house.
"Look! There she is! I finally found Puddinghead. And for one dialogue box, you have to hit B instead of A, again changing the rules around. You have to choose which item to give her. There's only one correct choice. Let's say I give her the skull. That's the wrong one, so I have to start over. The correct item is supposed to be something that would belong to this historical figure. And here's where the game could have been somewhat educational...but instead, it's a joke!"
"For example, for Clover the Clever, you're supposed to give her a four leaf clover - hur hur hur! For Starswirl the Bearded, you're supposed to give him the Element of Magic. Yeah. Let's not change history, by the way. For Princess Platinum, a credit card! For Princess Luna, a Nightmare Night decoration! Yeah, here you go, Luna! Here's a Nightmare Night symbol! You're gonna turn evil! For Princess Celestia, the Holy Oat Pail .Yeah. Entire stories have been written about finding the Holy Oat Pail; you're gonna find it by casually slamming into a bush or fence! Just a little side quest. For King Sombra, the Crystal Heart. WHAT?! You're gonna give King Sombra the Crystal Heart? You're going to give an evil unicorn tyrant the item he needs in order to take over the Crystal Empire! Yeah, just help him out! Might as well give, I don't know, Lord Tirek, the Rainbow of Light?!"
"Anyway, I give Puddinghead the Party Cannon, and she says, 'Let's party!' Yeah, That's exactly what she'd say. She also mentions that she'll pay for the call."
Button shrugged, "Of course, here's some coins for our phone booth time machine from the future."
The character went back into the phone booth, and the screen went back to the time circuits.
"And now, we have to go through the time circuits again," Button groaned.
The phone booth ran into a pink skull and ran out of coins.
Button blinked in shock, "My coins ran out. . . Didn't the mushy chancellor say she was gonna pay?!"
The stage restarted.
"Aw, great! I have to roam around this stage again, looking for coins?!" Buttons threw down the controller and turned the game off, "I've had enough!"
Buttons, while drinking his juice box, approaches his NES game shelf.
"I don't understand. . .Was there...any quality control here - you know, that, that, um, Seal of Quality - did that mean anything?! Who was stupid enough to but the seal on a rotten game like this? I wonder how many of these games are worthless too?! All the FRI ones, I can tell you that!"
Button pouted, and he reached out and touched a few of the games, "But there are good games here, there are. Faust, Mareio, Maretroid, Cloudtra, Palacevania, Mega Mare, but then, Filthy Rich happened! A greedy guy with a mean little bully girl and a pile of bits that he uses to make horrible games! FRI!"
Button narrowed his eyes and gained a darker appearance, "And Doctor & Derpy...might even be...THE WORST FRI GAME ON THE NES! It doesn't just have some 'flaws', there's no good and bad, this game is ALL BAD! Like, I'm impressed! How did they do it?! How did they make it so bad? 'Bad' doesn't even describe it! It's the worst NES game, period!"
"It's trash. It's garbage! And that's it. Goodbye."
Button left for 2 seconds and then returned.
"Oh, I forgot to mention: as a matter of fact, it also sucks Changeling slime and it's a worthless pitiful pile of Orc droppings rotting outside the Village of Combai. This game makes all the sense of a train bursting into flames after pushing it 6 feet away from you. I just. . ." Button shook his head sadly, "I can't describe it. I'm done - for real this time."
Button walked out again, only to return 7 seconds later, this time screaming at the top of his lungs.
"DEINIE ICHT, THUNKT UNDT*! IT'S TERRIBLE! WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?!"
Button's eyes widened knowingly, "I know...they weren't thinking!"
THE END
This was a parody of the Angry Video Game Nerd's review of Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure on the NES.
The Doctor Whooves and Derpy Hooves plot was created by Bald Dumbo Rat on Youtube
The character of Button Mash, as well as the Humgolian language, was created by JanAnimation for the fan made animated series "Button's Adventures"
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic belongs to Hasbro and Lauren Faust.
*Humgolian for: "I will slay you, Filthy One"
Episode 2: The Ditzy Parable on PC
The Ditzy Parable on PC
Youtube Video
The Adorable Video Game Colt
Episode 2: The Ditzy Parable on PC
There was the sound of a cassette player being turned on, and guitar music started to play.
Button Mash jumped in front of the camera and hit buttons on the NES controller as Sweetie Belle sang.
He's gonna play some video games
He's gonna play them all night an day
Sweetie Belle stepped out behind Button and sang a bit.
He's chocolate brown,
He's eight years old,
He's got a brother, a mom, and a dad.
Sweetie Belle jumped away quickly, and the camera changed to a shot of Button's mother snatching a hoof-held out of Button's hooves, much to Button's dismay.
The camera changed back to Sweetie Belle singing while half hiding behind Button.
His hair's light brown,
He drinks from boxes,
The camera changed again to Button drinking from a juice box, but then doing a spit-take at the game screen.
And his model trains burst into flames.
Button stared at his parents' old video game machine in confusion.
It switched back to Sweetie Belle and Button.
He's the adorablest gamer in the world
He's the adorable Nintendo colt
Button threw his controller down angrily and jumped up and down on it.
He's the adorable Atari/SEGA colt
He's The Adorable Video Game Colt
Sweetie Belle finished singing and quickly ran off screen.
Button Mash sat in a chair at his desk, where his laptop was at the ready.
"Normally, video games don't give you much choice. You play through levels that lead through a story and to an ending. Sure, some games have shortcuts and alternate paths, but they still lead to an ending. And yeah, some games have multiple endings, but usually the it'll just be a bad ending that tells you that you messed up, and a good ending that you're supposed to get to. But, it turns out that there's this new game called The Ditzy Parable that has a ton of choices and a ton of different endings that aren't technically bad endings."
Button Mash scratched his head, "It's actually kinda confusing, I'm not exactly sure what this game is all about. So, I'm gonna load it up and find out."
Button Mash logged on to his laptop and started up the game. The title screen came up, and he started the game.
"So when you start the game, a Narrator introduces us to a Pegasus named Ditzy. The game is about Ditzy's job pushing buttons on a keyboard in an office building in Cloudsdale. . ."
Button blinked, "Wait a minute, they pay you for pushing keys on a keyboard? Oh man, how come I've never heard of a job like that? What kinda job is that anyway, who'd wanna spend all their time doing that?"
"Anyway, the game begins when Ditzy's button pushing directions stop and everypony else in the building disappears. Oooooh! Scary!"
Button gains control over Ditzy and moves her away from her desk and out into the halls of the cloud building.
Button frowned, "So, yeah, this story doesn't take place in a kingdom, or a forest, or in a spaceship. It's just a really boring looking office building. Wow."
"So we walk along and we come across two doors. The Narrator says to take the left door. Well, since the point of this game is to make choices, I'm gonna go through the door on the right and see what happens."
Button went through the door on the right, causing the Narrator to react.
"This was not the way to the meeting room, and Ditzy knew it perfectly well. But Ditzy wanted to stop by the employee lounge, just to admire it."
"Ooh! The employee lounge! How exciting!" Button said sarcastically.
Button moved Ditzy into the lounge. It was full of comfy cloud furniture and had a vending machine next to one of the puffy white walls.
"Wow. Yes. This room. What a gorgeous room. Thank goodness Ditzy took this detour to see this room. Life without seeing this room would be too horrible to think off."
"Okay, this sarcastic, jerky guy is making me mad. Is his sole purpose in this game to tell me what to do and be sarcastic? He's worse than that fairy in Legend of Faust!"
"So, after we leave that gorgeous room, the Narrator tells us to turn left. I figure he'll be quiet if I do what he says, so I go into the door and through a dark hallway made of grey storm clouds. He says to go straight, but wait, there's an elevator with a glowing down button. It's like, 'look at the button! Oooh! So tempting.' Well, the game is about choices, so I choose to go down the elevator."
Button goes over to the elevator and hits the button to go down. There's a quick loading screen, and the elevator stops in a basement looking room made of more grey storm clouds.
"But Ditzy didn't want to go back to the office. She wanted to wander around and get further off track. So now to get back on track, she had to go. . .um. . ."
Button cocked his head in confusion.
"Um, left." the Narrator said, and a door to the left opened.
Button blinked, "What the-? Well, you can't open the other doors, so I have to go to the left."
Suddenly the left door closed and the right door opened.
"Oh no, it's to the right, my mistake."
Button's stared at the screen, "What was the point of- never mind! Let's just get out of here."
Suddenly the right door closed too.
"No-no-no, not right! Why did I say that, what was I thinking. It's, oh hold on for a moment."
Button's mouth hung open as papers were heard rustling in the background.
"Let me see, we went right, left, down- aha! Got it! I got it now! The story is definitely this way!"
A garage door suddenly opened up.
"What the heck was that?" Button said angrily, "Is this some kind of practical joke game? It's like, 'Hey! you wanna play a game? Here ya go! Sucker!'"
"So I go this way, and I end up in a room full of monitors. What the hay?"
"NO! No-no-no-no-no! We're not supposed to be here yet, this is all a spoiler! Quick, Ditzy, close your eyes!"
"What do you mean I'm not supposed to be here yet?" Button challenged, "If I'm not supposed to be here, then why was I allowed to get here? I didn't cheat in any way, so what happened? Did the programmers pass out? What the hay, is the game unfinished or something?"
"Okay, how about instead of wasting my time trying to make sense of this nonsense, let's just restart from the beginning. And this time, try not to wander of track, okay? From the top!"
"Wait, what?" Button said as a loading screen popped up, and Ditzy returned to the office at the beginning of the game. "Who wants to play a game that restarts on you? I didn't even do anything? Was I supposed to obey the Narrator? Then what's the point of having extra choices? Why can't I do anything?!" Button complained. Button grabbed his juice box and took a long drink.
"*sigh* Okay, so I have to walk to the two doors again and- what the-?" Button is surprised to see six doors all around him in the square cloud room.
"What the-? No, I restarted fresh, I'm sure, everything should be- Or did something change? Ditzy did you change anything, did you move the story?"
"Why are you blaming me, I'm just the player!" Button exclaimed.
"Hold on, why am I asking you, I'm the one who wrote the story. It was here a moment ago."
"Well if you wrote it, why can't you remember it! What, do you have short term memory loss? Wow, this guy is stupid!" Button exclaimed.
"So, the Narrator just sends us on a treasure hunt and all the doors open up. Well, okay, I guess I'll go through a random door and see where it leads."
Button moves through a door and walks through winding hallways. After a few minutes, Button arrives back where he started.
"Oh, you gotta be kidding me. Didn't anyone test this frustrating game out before they put it up for sale?" Button complained.
"I'll say it. This is the worst adventure I have ever been on."
"Great, it's like the game is mocking me."
"Do we need to restart again? I doubt we'd make any progress by starting over and over again but it's got to be better than this."
"No! Wait!"
"Restart."
After a loading screen, the game restarted.
"Errrgh! Denkalith!" Button growled, "I'm getting really, really mad now. Why aren't I getting anywhere in this game? Why is the game world changing around? Why can't the Narrator just tell the story? Why does the game keep resetting itself? WHY!? WHAT!? WHY!?"
Button sipped some more juice out of the box and took a deep breath to calm himself.
"Okay. Let's go."
"So we go back to the room, and now all the doors are gone. Sure, why not? Then the Narrator tells us to go back the way we came. So I go back, and instead of the office, there's a new hallway. What is this, some kind of fun house? And it turns out the hallway's a dead end, so what was the point of that? It's like trying to play Monopony, only every space says 'Go To Jail.' You literally cannot do anything in this game!"
"So, I turn around again, and then I walk into an old wooden attic. . .also a dead end. This game is wasting my time! You'd be better of playing Minecraft with only a stick!"
"You know what, since I've completely forgotten what we were supposed to be doing, how about this: YOU WIN! CONGRATULATIONS!
The words "YOU WIN!!" appeared on the screen as children cheered and applauded off screen.
Button looked very confused, "Wait. . .so that's it? That was it? I beat the game?"
"No. . .that doesn't feel right. You didn't put any actual effort into that win. Other ponies win fair and square, but that isn't the case here. This place is freaking me out, so I don't care what happens next, I have to restart."
"No! Denkalith! Grrrr, I don't- Grrr!"
The loading screen came and gone as the game restarted.
Button glared at the screen, and then he said, "I can't believe this! This game is a random, broken down mess. Stuff appears or doesn't appear, or randomly leads somewhere else. I feel like a guinea pig in an experiment where they're testing the effects of negative reinforcement. It's like, 'Let's see what happens if we take the doors away.' Well, whoever you are, and if you wanna know what the effect is, I'll tell you the effect!" Button got close to the screen and grabbed it frantically, "THIS DENKALITH IS PISSING ME OFF!!!"
Button Mash's propeller spun three times as face as his cheeks burned red and his pupils shrank. "But I'm still playing it. I guess I wanna be able to say that I at least tried to beat this impossible game!"
Button moved into the office where a line that said "The Ditzy Parable Adventure Line" at its start.
"Okay, no what? A yellow line? Really, the Narrator is so stupid that he needs a line to lead the player? Alright fine, so I follow the line through the boring office building, and then the Narrator starts going on and on about destiny and stuff I don't even understand. Then there's this question mark made of question marks drawn on a white board. Yeah, that image sums up this entire game very nicely. I mean, what could possibly happen next."
"You know what? I think what we need right now is some music to lighten the mood."
Strong marching band music began to play. Button's expression was that of pure shock. He stared at the screen in disbelief as the music played on. Button suddenly slammed the laptop shut and glared at it. After staring at it for a while, then he scowled and said, "You know what? I wanna see the rest of the game! I'm not gonna let the game win like this! So that is why I'm not gonna give up!"
Button opened up the laptop and moved Ditzy through the cloud office building.
"So I'm walking along, blindly following a stupid line-."
"Wait. Cute the music. Go back and look at that fern. Ditzy, this fern will be very important later in the story. Make sure you study it closely, and remember it carefully. You won't want to miss anything."
Button directed his character's vision at the green potted plant near the wall.
"Alright, let's recap," Button said, "We walk around an office building, the game restarts, we walk around an office building, the game restarts, we walk into an attic, the game restarts, and then we follow a line to a plant and stare at it. WORST. GAME. EVER."
"Alright, so we leave the plant and continue to follow the line to- WHAT? It leads you all the way back to the beginning of the stupid game! What were they thinking?"
"So, then we go through another door and, oh, that's just great, we're back in the room with all the monitors!"
"Oh, no-no-no, not again! Line, how could you do this to us? After all we've been through? Oh, to hay with it. Restart."
After another loading screen, the game restarted.
"I can't believe this, everything you do, you're stuck. Try this, you're stuck. Try that, you're stuck. You're stuck. You're stuck. You're stuck. You're stuck. You're stuck. You're stuck. You're stuck!"
Button pointed at the screen with an angry frown and said, "This is beyond any doubt, the worst video game I've ever played. I'd rather play an FRI game than this broken down simulation!"
"*Sigh* Once again, I go into the office, but then the Narrator says to forget the line and tells us to go through a random door that leads to a boring white cloud hallway."
"Now! Yes, this is exciting! Just me and Ditzy forging a new path, a new story, well it could be anything! What do you want our new story to be? Go wild. Use your imagination."
Button smiled and nodded, "Well, okay. I'm imagining a colt named Button Mash hitting the creators of this game in the face with a Bob-omb!"
"So we walk aimlessly for a while, the lines comes back, the line goes away, and then we come to a pair of doors."
"Ah! A choice! We get to make a decision. From here the story is in our control. How important we mustn't squander the opportunity. In fact, I believe I need a moment to think here. Just walk around in circles for a moment."
Red arrows appeared on the floor and formed a circle.
"You expect me to walk in circles like a brain dead Creeper?" Button said angrily, "Go kiss an orc!"
"Okay, so each door needs to lead to somewhere, so that means that there must be a reverse door that leads here. And that in turn means that our destination corresponds to a counter inverted reverse door's origin."
"SHUT-UP!" Button shouted.
"So, after muting the game for a while, the door on the right opens up. Wait, I thought we had a choice? I didn't choose a door, the Narrator did! What if I wanted to go through the left door? Is there a word for what's wrong with these game makers? Is there any Humgolian phrase to express how terrible they are?"
"So I go through the door, and it turns out both doors lead to the same room. Ha-ha. And on the wall is a big monitor that shows a schedule of everything we did for the last five tries and even maps out the events for four more times!"
Button Mash looked scandalized, and he suddenly explodes with rage, "Why would anypony wanna do this!? You go through the whole game four times, then the game tells you that you gotta do it four more times and rubs it in your face! It turns out the whole thing is called the quote unquote 'Confusion Ending'. The thing even shows us how long we've been playing the game. Yeah it's like, 'Hey, you wanna see how much of your life you wasted playing this game? Well here ya go, you stupid looser!' Feed this game to zombies!"
"This game is so bad, that even the Narrator gets mad at this!"
"And we're supposed to restart the game *EIGHT TIMES?!*"
"And you wanna know what happens next? We get this, the Narrator gets mad that no one told him about this, he refuses to restart the game, and the timer stops. . ." Button scratched his head, "So . . .does that mean I beat the game?"
"Did we do it? Did we break the cycle? Whatever it is that made this schedule? How would we even know? So what happens now? Will someone come for us? Okay. . . *Sigh* So I guess now we just wait."
"Oh, come on, now we're just waiting around listening to this invisible British pony talk? Was the whole point of this game to make a game that's not even an actual game?" Button ranted.
"I suppose in some way this is some kind of story, wouldn't you agree? I'm not quite sure if we're in the destination or the journey, but they're always saying that life is about the journey, and not the destination, so I hope that's where we are right now. We'll find out, won't we? Eventually."
"I don't care. Did I beat the game or not?"
"Well, in the mean time-"
NNN-NNN!
"Ahhh!" Button shouted as the two loud buzzers sounded. Button stared at the blank screen. "It crashed. . ." he said. Suddenly, the load screen appeared. Button's eyes widened in horror. "Oh no. . . no, please no!"
The game restarted with Ditzy back in the office.
Button's jaw dropped as he stared blankly at the laptop screen. He reached over and picked up his juice box. He squeezed it and drank the rest of the juice. "Wow. . ." Button said quietly, "Wow, forget this. You think I'm gonna put myself through that again? I mean- Denkalith! Kumpah!" Button slammed his laptop closed and clenched his teeth in anger, "Curse this game, Kumpah Diz! I can't believe they released this game. Oh my gosh! I'd rather stick my head in an Eastern Were-Spider Sandpit while getting Dragon Punched in the rear! I'd rather sit in a ring of Humgolian Alecks while they cover me with their own vomit! You'd rather do anything than play a broken down dysfunctional disaster like this! With an annoying Narrator, a boring setting, a stupid premise, a changing map, lack of enemies, lack of items, pointless plot points that go nowhere, parts you can't win, parts you can't loose, parts that make no sense whatsoever, random music, random areas, random paths, and a ton of other things! Cure this game, curse it to the Moon, curse it to Tartarus, curse it to the multiversal collapse of the 24th dimension!"
Button Mash got up and stormed out of the room.
This was a parody of the Angry Video Game Nerd.
Credits
The Stanely Parable by Galactic Café
AVGN- Dragons Lair
AVGN- Action 52
AVGN- Little Red Hood
AVGN- Dick Tracy
AVGN- Dark Castle
