TOO MANY COOKS RUIN THE BAKEOFF
TOO MANY COOKS RUIN THE BAKEOFF
Written by: EVERYONE
“So Twi, you seem excited. What’s the big rush?”
Twilight was ecstatic. She was packing every ingredient she could think of into a large handbag.
“Oh Spike, today’s the big Bakeoff at Sugar Cube Corner, and I’m standing in for Pinkie after she swallowed a balloon.”
“Yikes!”
“She’ll be fine in a few hours, but for now it’s my time to shine!”
“But Twi, are you sure you can live up to Pinkie’s cupcakes? They’re the best in Equestria!”
“Oh I know Spike, but I plan on making my batch magically delicious!”
“... is that even legal?”
“Bye Spike, wish me luck!”
“... Twilight?”
Meanwhile, Rainbow Dash was at the hospital.
“Hey there Pinkie, how are you doing?”
“I’m ok, I kinda need a pickle though.”
“Why?”
“I’ll tell you in a bit, please just get me one ok?”
Rainbow Dash looked all over Ponyville, but couldn’t find any. The local grocer’s were out, and Applejack wasn’t very knowledgeable on the subject.
“Is that some kinda foreign apple? Sorry Dash, we provide all Equestrian foods at Sweet Apple Acres and nothing else. God Bless Equestria!”
Fluttershy however, seemed to know about them.
“Oh, I know where you can get some! Twilight gave me a few when she last visited, Angel loves pickles! She should have some at her house.
Rainbow Dash headed down to Twilight’s house, where Spike was pacing about the place.
“Hey Spike, mind if I come in?”
“Dash, I got a question. Is it wrong to drug the holders of a baking contest to win first place if the drugs are magical?”
“I don’t do drugs Spike, my awesome is 100% natural. Why?”
“Oh nothing. Anyway, what are you here for?”
“I need a pickle for Pinkie Pie. You know if Twilight keeps any around?”
“Sure, check the fridge.”
Dash returned to Pinkie with the pickle,
“What happened to my story?” Rainbow asked as she searched the fridge.
“The glitch gremlin stole it!” Spike replied.
“Glit-- tzzzzhhh- mlin? Dude, you watch the AVGN too?” Finally, someone that shared her interest, other than Twilight’s obsession with Daring Doo. She’ll never reveal it, but underneath all her notes are probably the sketches of a fanfiction that probably had more exposition than character.
“I sure do, but now we gotta find that pickle or we’ll be in a jam!” Spike said.
“Pickles? Oh right, my mind was a little bit lost for a second,”
“Let’s go bother Zecora, she’s usually a deus ex machina in these sort of fics.”
“Alright Spike, I am going to just put on my trench coat. Let’s get ready to fight some conspiracies!”
The pair went off to the EverFree forest, which is only dangerous when the plot demands it and completely safe the rest of the time. They found Zecora’s house, which is a redundantly redundant sentence, and entered.
“Hey Zecora, tell us where we need to go to find a pickle"
To find the macguffin that you seek,
You must learn the moral of the week.
Because that’s how this tends to go,
I’ll tell you for 500 bits, you know.
And then Pinkie Pie popped up from a conveniently located bush. Zecora was not in least pleased by how quickly she was outmaneuvered in the plotline. Zecora sighs, but decides that she will not pressure the writers.
“You know Spike, I wish Ponyville had a supermarket like Cloudsdale”
“What’s a supermarket, Dash?” Rainbow never knew how sheltered Spike was from the outside world. Even though Spike spent about eight hours a day on 4Chan, he still didn’t know what a supermarket was.
“Oh wow, Twilight really doesn’t ever let you out of the house, does she? The rumors were true!”
“The one about there being a robot disguised as a young filly in Ponyville?” Dash could only stare back in confusion.
After the random murder of all life mentioned in a sentence that, in hindsight, was pretty important yet removed anyway, Alos’s horrible alicorn OC revived everyone like the godawful piece of writing he is.
“What’s it’s level on the power scouter?” asked Scootaloo.
“IT’S OVER 9000!” said Pinkie.
“We gotta find that pickle before the sheer number of writers destroys the fabric of the universe!” said an overexcited audience member.
And then, Sweetie Bot suddenly burst through the door, making sure it splintered beyond recognition into a wooden mess.
“Imposter!” the Fillybot screeched in a strident voice, causing everypony else in the room to cover their ears.
“No Sweetiebot, you ARE THE DEMONS” Dash said all of a sudden.
All of a sudden Sweetiebot exploded in a adorable fireball. A thousand fanfics were ruined forever.
“The time space continuum is collapsing, we need to wrap this thing up before everybody dies from the combined cluster*bleep* of everyone’s work!” Twilight exposited.
“But it’s not nearly 1000 words,we’ll never make it!” Spike cried.
Sweetie Bot’s voice box sparked to life.
“The fic would have if you didn’t destroy me!” she cried out, “It’s all your fault!”
“It’s all your fault!” the sky echoed. The words were lost, and there was no way they would come back.
“No, there’s still hope! We just need to get this pickle I just found off-screen back to Pinkie Pie, and then watch Twilight fail miserably at the Bakeoff!”
Pinkie Pie conveniently pops out of a nearby bush, “Did somepony say my name?”
One of the writers stopped and talked to the others.
“Curses! It appears that by bringing everyone together, we only got bored and proceeded to kill the story! I guess the moral of the story is that Friendship is Magic, but Teamwork is Poison.”
“Grace: I have to agree,” Grace said, agreeing.
And thus, the age of the rainbowbob came to a close…
...Or not?
Find out in the sequel, “Fluttershy eats everything”.
Excerpts from “Clop Circles” and “Trixie Saves Recycling Forever”:
“I can’t believe how huge it is” she said, gasping for breath.
“Eeeyup” said the other guy, I forget his name, the big red one.
“Well, stick it in!”
And then he did, and it was totally hot.
THE END
Do you want to clean this up? Sure.
“The Batpones are invading, save us, Captain Planet!”
“But they’re endangered; I can’t! Besides, they aren’t really polluting anything.”
Trixie threw toxic waste on the batpones.
“Ok, now I can kill the- oh”
But the batpones were already a big pile of irradiated mush.
THE END
FOR REAL THIS TIME
The Animated Adventures of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air
Title: The Animated Adventures of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air
Description: Derpy ties her shoes for the first time
One of those days. It starts out just the same as any other day. Waking up before dawn, breakfast in the morning, lunch at noon. Ordinary.
Twilight Sparkura was the best japanese sailor scout in the entire village of Nintendone, and she had decided that today she would bake the biggest cake in the world.
“What’s the plan, short man?” asked Spike Spiegel.
Spike Spiegel was Twilight Sparkura’s Number One assistant, and she would never miss out on an opportunity to go on a baking adventure.
“All you need to bake are the dreams of a man and the zeal of youth! Oh hear me baking Gods, I will summon the cake that will pierce the heavens!”
“Woah there Twilight,” Reinbou Desu said, a twitch entering his eye, “what is the occasion?”
“It’s the thousandth year anniversary of Colonel Sanders, the great great grandmother of Scootaloo, and I must prove my worth in order to collect the FriendChips and become King of all Butts… fuck this is stupid.”
“I agree. Also, bang.” Spike Spiegel said.
“Well, we might as well do something, I guess we’ll fast forward to the bakeoff.”
And so they did.
“Knife?”
“Check.”
“Icing?”
“Check.”
“Dough?”
“Check.”
“Powdered Puppy Souls?”
“Check.”
All preparations seemed to be going just swimmingly, and Sparkura thought how baking in a pool might work. But this was naught time to be thinking such ideas.
Ideas… if only she could think. Could she really though? After all, according to the ideas of Aristotle, one plus one is equal to three, and there was no way that such an excellent idea could possibly add up.
Sparkura began with marzipan, then added her secret ingredient, expired soy sauce. She mixed together the mangled remains of your favorite character with half a ton of gingeritis. All was going well until she saw that Rarity was using tentacle porn, the same recipe that had won her this pointless bakeoff for approximately five years in a row. It was really closer to five point three years.
“That fabulous bitch, I’ll base my turkey with her tears.”
And so Twilight Sparkura heard the voice of Deus Ex Machina, who sounded like the worst Morgan Freeman impression you’ve ever heard.
“Twilight Sparkura, you need to believe in yourself,” the voice said.
“No.”
“Alright then, use elephant semen, it’s the best ingredient ever.”
“Okay. Spikeeee!” Twilight ordered Spike to get him elephant semen, and about 5 seconds later Spike returned.
And so Twilight Sparkura used the elephant semen and won the contest, which I won’t go into the details of because you’ve already stopped reading about two sentences in.
Seriously, I could spend the rest of the story describing in great detail the particulars of gall bladder infection (yes, I know) and you’d never read it.
~The ned~
Twilight Sparkle and Glorious Leader teach Sweetie Belle how to Magic.
Twilight Sparkle is amazed, dumbfounded. She never thought she could change the properties of a vegetable, despite her Mary Sue alicorn powers and god mode cheats.
“How did you do it?” Apparently Sweetie Belle was also in the shop, witnessing the act.
“It’s just the power of magic” Twilight Sparkle said, beaming with a little bit of pride.
I forgot the greentext format please don’t execute, great leader.
“I won’t execute you, Twilight Sparkle” says great leader
“Please, not another tooth! I will tell you everything!” Twilight Sparkle squealed. She didn’t want another waterboarding session.
The great leader stammered, “b-but… waterboarding!”
”Well, I was hoping you could teach me a bit of magic,” Sweetie Belle said, “Rarity says that all unicorns must know how to be the most superior and overpowered race among all the other ponies, much like Korea is greatest nation on planet.”
“Of course Sweetie Belle,” Twilight Sparkle said
“No, don’t you get it? The great leader is torturing Twilight for information.” one of the literature guards wrote to the other. They couldn’t let a word out during interrogation session.
The great leader doubles in laughter, “Ha! Such chirality!... oops” he stared straight into Twilicorn’s eyes “You will never leave true Korea,”
”Well, see… I thought her how to use her horn. She was surprisingly weak for a unicorn that age,”
”You know. I’ve always wished I was a pegasus like Scootaloo, she is almost as talented as great leader” Sweetie admitted after practicing a pencil trick with visitors of the store, “It seems so much easy,”
”Well, what makes you say that?” Twilight said back. Pegasi were always complaining about how hard it was to learn to fly while unicorns always had trouble with their first brainwashing spell. They have always seemed to think that the grass was greener on the other side. She was also amazed at how flawed Sweetie’s English was, considering who her sister is. It was probably nothing.
”Well, pegasi wings are like limbs.”
“Won’t it be easy like flipping the internet security switch?”
“WHAT IS THIS NONSENSE THERE IS NO WAY TO DISABLE GREAT LEADER’S INTERNET SUPERVISION!”
And Sweetie Belle was taken to be re-educated at the Benevolence Camp. She was never heard from again.
