Greetings, dear reader and loyal subject. In the few short years since my return to Equestria, I have striven to serve my people as best I can. At Night Court, just like my sister in her Day Court, I give advice and pass judgement on those who come before me. However, not all ponies live in Canterlot, and many lack the means to approach me. Therefore, in an effort to reach out to the ponies who require a shot of royal wisdom, I have chosen to start this advice column. I invite thee to send thy questions to this citizen shouldst thou wish to have thine issues addressed in future editions.
And now, without further ado, on to the advice!
I feel like my big sister is overshadowing me. Everypony seems to like her so much more than they like me. What should I do?
~JawJoe
Dear JawJoe,
Thine inquiry remindeth me of something. Unfortunately, I cannot recall what.
So, thou wishest to gain recognition despite thy sister's popularity? If 'twere me, I would simply bring about eternal nigh—ooohh, now I understand. Very funny.
In order to repay thee for thine oh-so-witty jest, I have set my researchers about discovering a method by which I might deliver unto thee a kick through the mail. Wouldst thou prefer a package or a letter?
Regards,
Luna
Dear Princess Luna,
Somepony in my household keeps using my toiletries. I wouldn't mind so much if they would ask, or have the common courtesy to replace them, but it's distressing to find deep blue hairs caught in one's toothbrush when you don't have that color in your own coat anywhere.
Especially given that a toothbrush shouldn't typically be in places that result in hairs being caught in it.
Please give me some advice; should I replace my toiletries without saying anything, speak to the ponies I believe are responsible, or take a flamethrower to the whole set and petition to have the suspected culprits sent back to the bucking moon?
Sincerely,
Sunny Skies
Dear Sunny Skies,
Shame upon thy living companions! The sanctity of one's toothbrush is part of an unspoken contract between them and thee.
A similar experience cometh to mind, upon my reading of thy woes.
During my university years (oh, the nostalgia!), I lived alongside a number of other mares. One evening, I went to the river to bathe, only to find that my favorite rubber duck had been abducted. Needless to say, my righteous anger was significant. Finally, following a series of arguments, fights, and a singalong, we discovered the culprit and banished her to the moon (now that I think of it, many of my disputes have ended in such a manner).
I shan't deny that this might have been a bit of an overreaction, although I never did find my poor ducky...
Anyway, back to thy problem!
If thou thinkest that the miscreant would reveal him/herself upon being asked, ask away! Then, thou couldst use reason to resolve thine issue. However, if nopony cometh forward to take responsibility, as is often the case, then thou shalt have to take steps in order to protect thy belongings.
For the best solution, keepest thou thy toiletries in thy chambers, so that only thou hast access to them. 'Tis a shame that thou canst not trust thy friends, but so be it. However, if thou wishest to leave thy soap and whatnot where it will be used instead of carting it to and fro, purchase cheaper products. That way, thou shalt not lose as much when thy trust is violated and thine items are used.
Other than a stern lecture for everypony potentially involved, I cannot think of any other solutions. The flamethrower may be a bit excessive. Oh, except in the case of the hairs in thy toothbrush. Findest thou the blue pony and punish him/her (I shall personally approve thy proposal of a one-way trip to the moon). There shall be no mercy for ponies who brusheth their flanks with another's toothbrush. THY PRINCESS HATH SPOKEN!
Regards,
Luna
Dearest Princess Luna,
Lately something has been plaguing me; for the life of me I can not get be rid of these feelings that have appeared within me. I do not know if you can aid me, as I do not believe you have ever been in such a position. I wonder if I should have even taken the initiative to contact you about this, there will be repercussions . However, I have already gained accesses to the study, and aqired a piece of parchment and quill pen. In the morning she will find my hooves sullied with ink and surely be furious. My intentions are not to irk her. But if things go well, perhaps I will be forgiven. Oh, how I am carrying on. You must understand, this is a rather embarrassing topic for me. Hopefully, you will not publicize this. Back to the point!
I see her every day. Every morning, I hear her hoof steps as she trots down the stairs and I am filled with a feeling akin to being submerged head to hoof in warm fluff. Now that I think of it, this is one of the few things I feel. The concept and word itself is new too me, I have no idea where it came from. Perhaps she brought it.
Every morning, she dances into the room flawless. Her hair is perfectly styled, not a strand out of place. It bounces with every step. Her eyes catch the ascending sun, and sparkle more brightly than the most beautiful gemstone. Every day, she fusses over me, fitting me with exquisite attire. She smiles when she sees me, eyes aflame with her newest ideas, and I melt. Alas, her smile is not for me. When she smiles, she looks past me. When her eyes grace me, she sees not me but the masterpiece I am wearing.
I have no eyes but I see and all I see is her beauty. I have no mouth to whisper to her how she sends my heart aflutter. I have no heart, but it beats like a hummingbird's. All I have are these incompetent, fumbling hooves and years of watching her put thoughts on parchment. How can I possibly hope to capture her heart. How do I rid myself of these painful feelings. What do I do?
Eternally yours,
Mannequin # 2
Dear Mannequin,
Please, there is no need for deception! If thou lovest me, then thou needest only say so—the days are cold, and Night Court is so very long and boring. Thou cannot see it, but I am winking in thy direction.
Very well, I shall get serious. Heedest thou thy Princess's words:
Firstly, thou must never let this mystery mare discovereth thy vivid description of her physical features—'tis a bit creepy. Romantic, but creepy.
Secondly, thou needest let her realizeth thy true feelings. To this end, get thee into a forest and slay the mightiest beast thou canst find. After this is accomplished, layest thou the vanquished's head(s) at her hooves; this subtle gesture shall gently hint at thy devotion, while also telling other stallions what befalleth those who defy thee.
Thirdly, and most importantly, elevate thy position—I can clearly see that thou art as a servant to this mare. 'Twill be impossible to earn her love if she regardeth thee not as an equal. If she would scold thee over a simple letter (wherefore wouldst thou not wash thy hooves?!), then thou hast no hope for a healthy relationship.
Follow these simple steps three, and thou shalt find thyself in a most sturdy position from which thou canst pursue a relationship with any mare under the moon (assuming that she returneth thine affections, of course).
Best of luck!
Luna
Why doesn't anyone want to make sacrifices to me?
~Khorne
Dear Khorne,
Hast thou seen thy name? 'Tis "Khorne". Corn is a vegetable. 'Tis the equivalent of me saying, "Behold, for We are the Dark Lord of Dark Darkness, Tomato the Dark! Worship Us!" Wouldst thou expect me to receive any followers from such a comical declaration? Of course not.
Regards,
Luna
Dear Princess Luna,
We have some friends who don't have their cutie marks yet. What would you say is the best way for us them to get cutie marks?
Concerned Mark-having Citizens
Dear Citizens-Who-Are-Certainly-Not-the-Cutie-Mark-Crusaders,
Phew! It gladdeneth me that ye have your cutie marks. After all, whenever a pony without a cutie mark pretendeth otherwise, that pony's mark shall never appear. But that shan't be an issue for ye, as ye already have your marks.
In fact, one time, a colt appeared before me in court and did ask for advice on obtaining a cutie mark (for a friend, of course). He had painted a fake mark on his flank; when I asked him about it, he insisted it to be real. To this day, that poor little pony still hath no cutie mark. But, again, this should not concern ye, as ye already have your marks. Just imagine if ye were only pretending—the irony makes me laugh! Oh, my sides ache from mirth at imagining such a scenario!
Tell your friends that the best way to attaineth a cutie mark is to do that which they love. One cannot rush to realize one's true talent, so patience is key.
Regards,
Luna
Dear Luna
so I like this stallion, but he isn't a stallion he's... well... I can't say what he is. my friends don't like him very much and think that he is very mean and untrustworthy, but I think the exact opposite, should I ask if he likes me too?
please send a reply.. if you want too that is..
from: a lover in the dark.
Dear Lover,
Ah, young love, how I have missed thee! The days of frolicking in orchards, enjoying picnics, and playing competitive checkers... marvelous!
Most importantly, thou shouldst keep in mind that love will without doubt cloud thy vision. Therefore, dismiss not thy friends' warnings until thou hast examined them (objectively!). Only then canst thou proceed.
I believe that simply asking the stallion-who's-not-a-stallion for his feelings will only end poorly for thee. Nopony liketh to be confronted with such a question, and such an inquiry would likely chase him away. Instead, spendest thou thy time with him, and when thou feelest more comfortable about thy position, then thou canst broach the topic.
On an unrelated note, should somepony cause Discord to panic and go on a rampage, I would be most cross. Most cross, indeed. Just saying.
Regards,
Luna
Dear Best Princess,
Last night's eclipse and meteor shower were amazing! How do you do that?
Your adoring subject,
Pipsqueak (Provided by somebadauthor)
Dear Best Subject,
When one commandeth the might of the cosmos, 'tis no trouble at all, dear Pip—no trouble at all.
By the way, I look forward to beholding thy sure-to-be-dazzling costume next Nightmare Night.
Regards,
Luna
Dear Princess Luna,
I keep trying to arrange the dusk and emergence of the stars, but some other Princess of the Night is getting in my way and doing things differently. Come on, Ursa Major is so last millenium. Who keeps that around?
Your Concerned Superior,
Princess Twilight Sparkle, B.P. (Provided by somebadauthor)
(Best Princess)
Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle,
Of which other Princess of the Night dost thou speak? 'Tis mine understanding that I are the only ruler of the night sky! When I find whoever usurps mine authority, I shall render her unable to speak, due to my hoof being lodged firmly in her face.
By the way, Ursa Major only existeth due to a series of events that involved a sorority, a box of nails, fifteen yards of string, and a lot of liquor. I was young—do not judge me!
I also wish to address these two terms: "Your Concerned Superior" and "Best Princess". I do believe that thy head hath inflated, due to thy brand-new set of wings. Mayhaps we should endeavour to shrink it a little.
My sister hath shown me a number of thy foal pictures, pictures that I found most amusing—especially the ones where thou hast a pencil firmly lodged in each of thy nostrils. We also laughed long and loud at the picture of thee with thy cute little keister held aloft whilst thou fought to extract thy head from a hole in the ground. Simply adorable.
On an unrelated note, at the time that thy mother took those photographs, I were over two thousand years old.
I look forward to future correspondence with thee, Princess Twilight "A-Tiny-Fraction-of-Luna's-Age-and-Experience" Sparkle.
Regards,
Luna
Dear Luna, the Galactic Empire has killed off half your citizens, and demands that you do the
following.
1. Surrender all arms
1a. Surrender all soldiers
2. Give up the fight.
3. Turn your Self in.
~ Darth Vader
Dear Vader,
Thou speakest to the wrong pony if it is thy belief that We shall merely give up. Also, "surrender all arms"? Dost thou realize that ponies only have legs?
I find myself growing angrier by the second. Vader, WE SHALL END THEE! PREPARE THY POSTERIOR!
Regards,
Luna
Dear Princess Luna,
Grrr hrargh garr crystals rarg. Grahh hurg slaves hrargh narr. Hrarar grau rrgh roff grahh?
~Misunderstood in the Crystal Empire
Dear Misunderstood,
Ah, after the previous correspondence, my fury had risen tenfold. However, my nerves do settle upon reading thy beautiful prose. Where didst thou learn to write such delicate lines? I can barely see through the tears that thy gorgeous language hath brought to mine eyes.
Of course, I understand that the ethno-political situation in the Crystal Empire maketh circumstances difficult for thy people. However, thou art to be commended for making it as far as thou hast while managing to remain true to thine upbringing.
Keep up the good work!
Luna
Dear Princess Luna,
I'm right fond of my brother, and I don't mean in just a sisterly fashion. I think he might feel the same way, but I don't know what the rest of the family will think, or how my friends will react. What should I do?
Zap Anxious
Dear Zap Anxious,
While thy question is slightly outside of mine area of expertise, I shall endeavour to give thee guidance.
I would caution thee against jumping into any kind of romantic relationship with thy relative. Mayhaps it is true love, but on the other hoof, mayhaps it is simple youthful infatuation. Wouldst thou risk bringing severe consequences down upon thee simply to fulfill a sex drive? Then, thou shouldst consider thy family's position. If such a relationship with thy brother became public, then thou wouldst chance a rift between thee and those thou lovest.
Finally, I shall mention genetic issues, and leave the subject at that.
I advise thee to think very carefully before committing to this.
Regards,
Luna
Dear Princess Luna,
I have a message for you from the future. Do not play that CD that is enclosed with this message it is what it wants. In the name of all things decent don't play the disc.
-Scalor Barracuda Cyborg
Dear Cyborg,
Wherefore wouldst thou send a disc if thou didst not want me to play it?! Now I have a multitude of awful songs stuck in my head, and apparently only seven days to live! 'Tis a most inconvenient condition.
A curse upon thee,
Luna
Dear Princess Luna
My classmates annoy me. How do I deal with this?
Eh,
A sexy a mannequin.
Dear Mannequin,
Thou hast come to the right pony.
The first thing thou must do is warn them—'tis only fair to give them a chance to right their ways. In the case that they refuse, do the following:
Raise thy voice.
Stomp on the ground repeatedly.
Smite thy foes against a mountain.
Repeat these steps as needed until thy worries go away.
Have fun!
Luna
Dear Luna,
Ever read any of our fanfictions before? Specifically, the incest ones, where you have sex with Celestia.
Reactions?
Love,
Me.
Dear You,
No, I have never even heard of such a disturbing thing. Allow me a moment to peruse the Internet.
Alright, I have returned. Upon reading a number of the works that thou mentionest, I threw up a little in my mouth. Prepare thyself for a mail-order kick (patent pending).
Regards,
Luna
Okay.......I'm having all the work dumped on me by the rest of the group, but If I don't do it they'll screw it up, and i'd take the fall with them. What do I do?
~Lorthalis of Crows
Dear Lorthalis of Crows,
So, thy coworkers refuse to do their portion of the work, eh? Well, fear not—I have the perfect way to make things right.
First, thou shouldst approach thy group to discuss thine issues. Mayhaps they are not avoiding work, but instead simply do not have the correct facts. In the chance that this worketh not, more dire steps are necessary.
Approach thy superior about the issue, and describe to him or her thy complaints. A good leader shall presenteth a solution for thy consideration. However, should this step fail thee as well, I can see no other option besides completing the work thyself.
The last laugh shall be thine, as thou art not obligated to attribute the work to anypony other than thyself. If thy name is the only one on the final product, then it shall be clear who deserveth the credit.
Best of luck!
Luna
Dear Princess Luna,
Why are you always in my dreams? Mother says you're waiting to eat my soul.
Sincerely,
A Concerned Subject
Dear Concerned Subject,
I know not of what thou speakest. If thou hast cake, I would gladly eat that, but souls are not a regular part of my diet.
Also, thou knowest why I am always in thy dreams. Thou knowest.
Until tonight!
Luna
What are your top tips for love?
~The Princess Rarity
Dear Princess Rarity,
Top tips for love, eh? Very well, I shall divulge Our secrets. Behold, "Luna's Top Five Ways to Get Any Pony to Love Thee":
Concussive Voice
Starry Mane
Drinking Songs
Indiscriminate Violence
Bedroom Eyes
Worketh like a charm.
Regards,
Luna
Dear Princess Luna,
I hurt my sister a while ago and It won't stop hurting. Do you know any remidies to help me, I don't think can talk to her about it.
Humbly,
A distressed mare.
Dear Distressed Mare,
As thou mayest know, I once was in a teeny, tiny altercation with my sister, during which I tried to overthrow her rule and bring eternal night upon Equestria. However, we did not have much difficulty reconciling our differences (mostly do to the fact that she banished me to the moon for a thousand years, and felt appropriately guilty).
Thy first step is to determine the reason for which thou cannot speak with thy sibling. If the problem lieth with thee, then it is thy responsibility to overcome it and make things right. However, if thy sister refuseth thine apologies, then different actions become necessary.
Be certain that thy sister realizeth thy desire to mend your relationship. That way, should her mind changeth, she knoweth to approach thee. Other than that, thou art obligated to respect her wishes. The best thou canst do is to endeavour to never make such a grievous error again.
Best of luck to thee,
Luna
Dear Princess Luna;
Your subjects seem to have come to love you a great deal; Could you describe your personality? Also, are you going on any trips, alone, anytime soon?
Sincerely,
Loveless in the Wastes.
Dear Loveless,
Of course my subjects love me, for I am their sovereign Princess of the Night. Also, I make certain to give everypony the "bedroom eyes", after which they are as putty in my hooves.
If I had to describe my personality, 'twould be with a swift kick. Let that be a warning to thee. I often go on trips, but always accompanied by my good friends, Bruce and Edgar (pretend thou canst see me gesturing to my fore-hooves).
Regards,
Luna
Dear Princess Luna,
I can't make friends for some reason. I asked my sister and she said I was talking too loud and that other ponies typically don't like to have the sun blocked out when they're talking to somepony. But she sets stuff on fire and gets away with it! Why do they not adore my godlike voice and epic powers?
Sincerely,
Eternal Night
Dear Eternal Night,
I see no problem with thy behavior—thy sister is clearly in the wrong. Here is my suggestion: Overthrow her and plunge Equestria into eternal—oh. OH!
A pox upon thee, thou cad! This is the last time I fall for this stupid trick! As soon as they leave development, I shall send thee a trio of kicks by mail!
Regards,
Luna
Dear Princess Luna,
Whatever you do, don't start the war with Zebras. Also send Fluttershy to the moon. For the safety of all of Equestria.
Sincerely,
SrC
P.S when. Is Tia going to send me home?!
Dear SrC,
Thou hast my gratitude for thine advice. Why, if thou hadst said nothing, I am certain that I would have declared war on the Zebras within the month! Phew, dodged that bullet.
I feel as though thou hast ulterior motives for banishing our little yellow friend; mine eye is on thee.
Regarding thy desire to return home, Tia shan't commit to a firm date, but if thou wishest, I can send thee somewhere instead. I mean the Moon, just in case thou didst not understand.
Regards,
Luna
I seem unable to fall asleep normally before 1AM or even later. If I do, my body treats it as a nap and I wake up in the middle of the night, and stay awake until dawn, and then I need to go to work in the morning. As result I'm permanently drowsy and can't concentrate. I'd really love to sleep through the day and live through the night, but I can't really change my job. Any help?
~RandomBlank
Dear RandomBlank,
Ah, I recall a time when I also had issues staying awake. I tried to adopt my sister's sleep schedule, but thought the day too bright—mine eyes cared not for the sunlight. Coincidentally, this is part of the reason I tried to bring about eternal night.
Anyway, back to thy problem. The best solution is to attempt to "tough it out", in the hopes of causing thy body to adapt to the desired sleep schedule. If thou findest no success, then perhaps speakest to thy doctor about the problem.
Alternately, thou couldst always apply to join my Night Guard. I hear that they are short on recruits, these days. Thou canst sleep all day, plus we offer full dental coverage.
Regards,
Luna
I have issues staying focused and generally waste all my time doing unproductive stuff. Anyway to work up motivation to tear through 4 hour long problems?
~Fourpony
Dear Fourpony,
I fully understand thy struggles. The work itself may be simple, but the length of time required turneth thy task into one far more difficult to complete.
When I need to pull an all-nighter (all-dayer?), I rely on coffee. Lots and lots of coffee. However, that technique mayn't be the most healthy thou canst employ.
Instead, I suggest that thou breakest thy work into pieces, then completest the pieces one at a time, with breaks in between. During those breaks, thou canst fuel up on glorious caffeine!
Best of luck!
Luna
Im heading out on deployment soon, any advice on how to stave off the boredom or keep up confidence
~The Korps
Dear Korps,
I think I have an idea.
Enjoy Our photograph, and make Us proud.
Regards,
Luna
Thus endeth the first edition of my column. I pray that these humble words were satisfactory to the writers, as well as helpful for everypony else who read this humble work. Once more, if thou wishest for me to address thy problems in the future, contact this citizen with thy question(s), and it shall be taken care of.
Farewell, dear reader. I wish thee a good night!
Hello, dear readers and loyal citizens, and welcome to another edition of Our advice column! Your responses to the last one pleased Us greatly; We can only hope that Our future endeavors meet your expectations as successfully.
In the following letters, ye shall find a plethora of requests, from mare troubles, to mane improvement. If thou hast sent Us a letter and 'tis not included in this edition, fearest not! Due to Our busy schedule, 'tis impossible to address all of the citizens in such a short span of time. However, We shall see to thy needs in Our next update.
The final thing We must say is that We shall not be in Canterlot for the next week (no, We do not have a vacation planned! Why wouldst thou thinkest such a thing?), and thus We will not be able to update this column. Fortunately, Our sister hath agreed to do so in Our stead, so if thou hast any questions thou wishest to ask Princess Celestia, 'tis thy chance to do so. As always, thou mayest post them in the comments below, or sendest them to our editor.
We thank thee for thy continued support. Onward to advice!
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Dear Princess of the Night,
I often find myself staring up at the beautiful night skies you weave and feel that they should be described in the form of prose or poetry, but I worry about not doing your nights the proper justice they deserve. How might I overcome this problem?
~Metal-Quill
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Dear Metal-Quill,
We agree that capturing the glory of Our majestic starscape is a task few ponies can handle. In fact, We would go so far as to say that the job cannot be accomplished (at least, by normal ponies). After all, We lovingly crafted Our sky, one star at a time ('twas tiring, to say the least)!
Fortunately for thy desire to put Our magnum opus into prose, We are also a master poet, and for the low, low price of ten bits per lesson, We shall give thee instruction so that thy dream cometh true. Simply sendest thy check, addressed to "Her Majesty Luna, Princess of the Night", to Canterlot Castle.
We look forward to doing business with thee!
Regards,
Luna
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Dear Princess Luna,
How do I get Discord to notice me. It's always chaos this and chaos that, whe he has a gorgeous mare who just want to drag him off somewhere private and, ahem, inflict her own chaos on him.
Any advice?
Signed die Sonne Tonne
P.S. You were supposed to let the cat in when you raised the moon.
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And thou wert supposed to attend Our first grade piano recital, but didst thou do so? Nooooo!
*Cough* Pardon Us; We know not where that came from.
Very well, We shall advise thee on how to gain Discord's attention (not necessarily a good thing, but who are We to judge?). What doth Discord enjoy most of all? Thou hast already made note of it—'tis chaos, chaos, and more chaos! If thou wishest to catch that knave's eye, simply invertest the law of gravity, or some such nonsense. We admit that cleaning up thy mess would likely make Us very cross, but We get the feeling that Our inconvinience hath not bothered thee in the past.
Or, if all else fails, showest the cur thy flank, We suppose.
Regards,
Luna
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Dear Princess Luna,
I know you've helped me out with my nightmares before, so I was hoping maybe you could help me out with this too. You see, the thing is, all my classmates who have wings can already fly, but I'm stuck with these tiny wings and can't do more then glide a little.
A few fillies at school were picking on me about it, but I think that's sorted out. Everypony tells me I'm awesome anyways, but I wanna be awesome and fly, you know? Is there anything you can do to help me?
-A pegasus pony who can't even fly
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Dear Pegasus,
When first We read thy correspondence, We realized that the solution to thy problem will not be simple. However, if thou hast the strength to persevere, then We shall have thee soaring through the air as would a bird.
Firstly, 'tis important to remember that not all ponies grow as quickly as others. Thy wings might seem lacking now, but We suspect that 'tis simply a matter of time before they catch up with the rest of thee.
Next, We would advise thee to never despair—negative emotions can cripple a pony if she doth allow them. Keep thy friends close and thy spirits high, dear Pegasus, for thou hast plenty of time to realize thy dreams.
Perhaps a tale of a mare with similar woes would do thee well.
When she was young, Our sister, too, could do little more than flappeth her wings futilely. However, with a bit of patience, a lot of perseverance, and plenty of constructive criticism on Our part ('tis fun to mock poor Tia, We must admit), she had developed into quite the terror of the skies by the time she reached her teenage years. Now, We dare say she flieth nearly as well as Us!
Takest heart, little Pegasus, for thou hast yet to reach thy full potential.
Regards,
Luna
P.S. We realize that 'twill be some time before thy wings fully develop. As a measure to keepeth thee occupied in the meantime, We have taken the liberty of sending a gift to thee by way of post. Keepest thine eyes peeled for Our royal jet-pack, and use it well.
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Dear Princess Luna,
Hey, thanks for helping me with those nightmares about you-know-who. They were awful!
Can you help me fly next? I figured if that's my dream, and dreams are your domain, it's worth a shot, right?
Your loyal subject,
Scootaloo
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Dear Scootaloo,
Wait, Scootaloo?! But We thought thee—We just sent Our— thou weren't—oh no. We have made a terrible mistake. *Sigh* Our backup jet-pack shall reach thee within a couple of days. Treat it well—'tis the last one We have. For advice on thine issue, lookest at the previous citizen's letter and Our response.
We need a drink.
Regards,
Luna
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Dear Princess Luna,
Just a question from your favorite extra-terrestrial Psycopath.
I watched you sleep for hours last night. It was adorable, your hind leg does a little kick when you dream and I almost hugged you then and there. I recorded it and uploaded it to the internet, I know you don't know what that is but lets just say you're famous in over five-thousand Galaxies.
My question for you is this:
How far will you go to get me to take the video off the air?
Sincerly yours,
Cheese4life.
PS. Your city's on fire.
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Dear Cheese4life,
Although We are slightly confused (and when We become confused, We tend to break things first and ask questions later), We shall work Our way through thy "question".
To begin, thou art aware that We sleep during the day, correct? We shall overlook this small oversight on thy part.
So, thou hast violated Our chambers and filmed Us in the midst of Our glorious slumber. It shan't happen again, We promise thee that. At least, it shan't happen again without severe bodily harm inflicted upon thee.
Thou wishest to know how far We will go to get thee to remove thy video from the internet (and yes, We know of the internet)? Very well, We shall make thee an offer. Shouldst thou retract thy creepy footage, We are willing to present to thee a coupon, the redemption of which will spareth thee one-thousand kicks. Coincidentally, We plan to deliver one-thousand-and-one kicks upon thy rump (We thought thou wouldst find it amusing that We kick while awake, as well).
Takest thy time with thy response—We are immortal, and can afford to wait.
Regards,
Luna
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Dear Princess Luna,
What makes movies good to you?
Sincerely,
The Vashta.
P.S.: COUNT THE SHADOWS. ALWAYS. COUNT. THE. SHADOWS.
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Dear Vashta,
Our favorite movies have excessive amounts of gratuitous violence. After a long, boring night at court, such scenes help Us relax, lest We create some violence of Our own (for examples of Our frustration, see the following: The Great Canterlot Blaze, the Manehattan Earthquake, and the Eruption of Mt. Vehoovius).
Regards,
Luna
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Dearest Princess Luna,
Well, this is a mite complicated. You see, there was a girl named A I was crushing on, but A didn't want me, and I waited for so long that my feelings wore out, but I mistakenly assumed the feelings were wearing out because God was punishing me for my sloth. Another girl named E came along in my life, and I was beginning to feel for her, but I felt as if I was being tempted away from A, who was not in relationship with me and was not even remotely faithful to my memory. With that in mind, I don't know why I blamed myself for losing A because I hardly even had her to begin with! I realized how much better for me E was, but too late I realized it and now she's gone.
Now it seems as if the answer is "go get E, sweep her off her feet, and make her your companion", but you see, it's not that simple. E sometimes seemed as if she hid a part of her personality from me, so is she really worth it, that she hides a bit of herself? I know it's obvious I should never have even considered A, but is it too late to win the heart of E, and is it worth even trying to win E over, because there are bits of herself she won't reveal to me?
-Yours truly, the Doctor
(Vworp, Vworp, Vworp...)
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Dear Doctor,
Before We get to thine advice, We must first pose a question of Our own: what hast thou done with girls B, C, and D?! Do they not matter to thee? Answer carefully, citizen, lest thou raise Our ire.
We do not know why thou hast seen fit to give us thine account of thy relationship with girl A. It appeareth as if she hath no interest in pursuing a romantic relationship with thee, a fact thou hast already acknowledged.
If thou wishest for Our best advice, We would certainly advise thee to make thine interest known to girl E. However, thou neglectest to give Us any details on her feelings towards thee, so We have no way of judging how much success thou shalt find.
Next, We wish to discuss thy concerns regarding E's personality, or, more precisely, the parts thou believest that she keepeth from thy notice. 'Tis important to keep in mind that thou hast done the exact same thing, by keeping thine own feelings hidden from her. Further, if thou hast no relationship with E, why wouldst thou expect her to alloweth thee access to her deepest secrets?
We suspect that she mayeth open up to thee, if thou showest her that thou art trustworthy.
Best of luck with thy romantic pursuits.
Regards,
Luna
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Dear Princess Luna
I am Nurgle lord of Decay, and I have a problem I love everything maternally and I whish to give everything gifts of disease and rot but when I do everything except my followers go bananas and start trying to heal those whom I have gifted. Why do you ponies refuse my gifts.
~Nurgle (Sent via Word Bearer)
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Dear Nurgle,
*Sigh* Oh, ye gods of Chaos and your silly names. 'Tis as if ye gathered and collectively thought of the most ridiculous nomenclature anypony hath ever seen. After all, lookest at thine own name—Nurgle. "Nurgle" is akin to the sound one would make in one's death throes. Here, We have devised for thee a new name, one to striketh fear into the hearts of thine enemies: Blaaagh. Oh, wait, nevermind—'tis just another onomatopoeia that causeth Us to roll on the ground, laughing Our flank off.
Also, ponies care not for thine afflictions—a simple cold maketh life miserable. Mayhaps that is why thy gifts do not find willing recipients.
Regards,
Luna
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How can I find a girl who shares my interests when all the girl who live around me are more conserned with their looks and the newest make-up trends than reality?
~KibaWR
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Dear KibaWR,
We feel as if thou hast already answered thy question. Thou wishest to know how thou canst find a girl who shareth thine interests? Go about thine everyday life, and if fortune favoreth thee, thou shalt encounter a potential mate. Dost thou likest to play cards? Then play thee some cards, and mayhaps thou shalt meet somepony special in the midst of thy game. 'Tis about finding somepony whilst doing that which thou lovest.
We wish thee the best of luck in thy pursuits.
Regards,
Luna
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Dear Luna
Wanna know how I got these scars?
~The Joker
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Dear "The Joker",
Wantest thou to receive a few more?
Regards,
Luna
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Coolio, so Princess Luna, is it true you sleep with a teddy bear?
~No1Special
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Dear No1Special,
'Tis slander—naught but base slander! That thou wouldst suggest such a thing sayeth that thou hast little to no respect for Us. We hope thou art shamed by thine unfounded accusations! To think that thou wouldst ask if We sleep with a teddy bear...We certainly do not.
No, We sleep with a real bear.
Regards,
Luna
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Dear Princess Luna,
Do you have any ideas on how to fill the hunger of a three headed dragon that does not involve devouring two villages and a nest of drakes?
Yours Ravenously,
Dragon-Script
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Dear Dragon-Script,
Shouldst thou devour any villages, We shall show thee how to fill thy posterior with Our hoof. Mayhaps 'twould be best if thou becamest a vegetarian? We believe We know a spell to maketh that happen.
Regards,
Luna
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Princess, I find myself obsessed with a certain... Draconequus. Any advice?
~Janet Kinnaman
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Dear Janet,
Well, Our first suggestion is to not find thyself obsessed with this Dragonequus, but We realize such feelings do not simply disappear.
If thou art bent on getting close to the object of thine affections, We suggest that thou acclimate thyself to strange events, such as reality breaking, physics failing, and other such phenomena. Otherwise, thou mayest go mad should he and you "hook up".
Regards,
Luna
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Dear Luna,
I want to finish and or rewrite some of my old fanfictions, and yet i lack the motivation necessary, any idea's?
~StormHoof32
P.S. one of said fics depicts you and twilight and suggestive themes. not sure if your into that kind of stuff but oh well.
P.P.S your my favorite over your sister
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Dear Stormhoof,
So, thou wishest to finish thine old, abandoned works, eh? 'Twould be a noble endeavour if thou hadst the motivation to go through with it. If thou canst not garner the effort required, then perhaps the stories are not worth it. In the time it took thee to fix up one work, thou mayest have completed two or three new ones.
We thank thee for thy compliments, and agree with the sentiment wholeheartedly—We are Our favorite over Our sister, as well.
Regards,
Luna
P.S. Twilight couldn't handle Us.
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Dear Princess Luna,
Can you assist me in the art of Lucid Dreaming?
Herr Director of Colossus Corp.
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Dear Director,
Certainly! We are happy to give thee assistance. Just follow these simple steps, and thou shalt be a master dreamer in no time:
Addest thou plenty of dairy products to thy diet
Establish a consistent bed time
Become Princess of the Night, thus allowing thee unfettered access to other ponies' dreams as well as thine own, in which thou shalt be fully aware of thy state
We hope this helps!
Regards,
Luna
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The Supreme has a question.
Message follows:
I have seen it fit to request a meeting, Luna. However, I must know if you can attend. The meeting place is the Crucible, and the time will be ten brells after ten twenty a.m. Will you be able to attend?
Message ends.
Yours truly,
The Messenger of His Majesty, The Supreme Dalek.
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Dear Messenger,
We thank thee for the invitation, but We must decline. At the time requested, We shall already be asleep after a hard night's work; thou understandest how these things go.
Regards,
Luna
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Dear Princess Luna,
Do you have a special somepony? If so, how did it happen? I'll take any pointers I can get!
-Your secretive subject,
Anonymous Mare
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Dear Anonymous,
No, We do not have a special somepony as of now, but We can tell thee of Our experiences from before Our sister banished us to the moon. Payest attention, and thou shalt learn how thou mayest get a special somepony of thine own.
We find that starting a romantic relationship with another pony is simple. One day long ago, during Our nightly court, We found Ourself enchanted by a certain petitioner (no, We cannot recall his name or his petition), so We threw him over Our back and took him to Our chambers. After that, We never saw him again, although We maintained a friendly correspondence through the mail. 'Tis true that Our methods tend towards the traditional, but We can only assume that romance worketh in a similar fashion in these modern times.
Good luck!
Luna
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Returning readers may remember that, in Our last round of questions, We received and addressed a letter from Princess Twilight Sparkle. Well, she hath replied, and We decided to answer her here:
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Dear Princess Luna,
I have no idea what pictures you're talking about. No such things exist, and I certainly did not have to burn all the evidence and vaporize the ashes to say this truthfully. Nothing of the sort.
However, when I cared to inquire, Princess Celestia revealed several such photographic captures exist of you. If you do not wish the newspaper (and less-licit sources) to run pictures of your young self in diapers or running away from such dread terrors as the common variety of butterfly, I suggest you stop trying to interfere with my stars.
Your irate superior,
Twilight Sparkle, B.P.
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Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle,
Hm, We appear to have struck a nerve.
Unfortunately for thee, thy threats fall on uncaring ears. Our foalish antics were naught short of adorable, and We welcome the praise We would receive should the public get their hooves on Our baby pictures.
However, even if the photos displayed questionable images, We would not truly care. After thousands of years of living in the public eye, one learneth to disregard damage to one's image; 'tis something a novice like thee wouldst not understand. Now that this matter hath been resolved, kindly leavest Our stars be, lest We begin to grow truly annoyed.
Oh, and We have long since gone back and "taken care" of that fiendish butterfly. Needless to say, Our fear of that particular insect has been dealt with.
Regards,
Luna
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Dear Princess Luna,
So, what's so great about eternal night, anyway? Wouldn't it get all freezing cold and everyone would starve because of the plants dying off? Although I wouldn't have to go to work, because without a morning the workday can't start, so that'd be a plus.
Sincerely,
Sun Basker
P.S. Can you arrange the constallations to make playing connect-the-dots easier for foals? My niece keeps complaining they're all too hard and don't really mean anything.
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Dear Sun Basker,
"What's so great about eternal night", thou askest? Dost thou realize thou writest to the Princess of the Night? Thou raisest Our ire, but We suppose We can give thee a pass, just this once. We shall endeavour to sate thy curiousity.
So, thou wishest to know why We would prefer eternal night. Well, for one, We would be free to display Our celestial masterpiece for all to observe, without interruption. Further, We have developed a method to keepeth plant life alive in darkness, as well as discovered something that hath the potential to stave off the cold ('tis known as "fire"—mayhaps thou hast heard of it).
Unfortunately for Us, Our subjects almost unanimously prefer that day and night share the sky equally, and 'twould be folly to go against the ponies' wishes.
And We do not understand why thy niece complaineth about Our constellations. The difficulty is half the fun!
Regards,
Luna
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Dearest Princess Luna,
I love how you raise the moon at night. I love how you set the stars. Can I, I mean We ,be your student? We would love to learn about your job raising the moon and you could show Tia that you have a prized student also! It all works out right? When We become your student,could you teach Us how to banish somebody to the moon? We have a bully here in Canterlot We would like to banish.
We look forward to your response.
Love,
Sunny,The Sunset Lover
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Dear Sunny,
Although We appreciate thy kind words, We do not accept students. 'Tisn't because We do not wish to teach thee, but rather that We must make sure not to recreate a minor, unfortunate experience We had long ago.
Our sister hath always taken students, and We felt a desire to emulate her. As such, We chose the best and brightest unicorn We could find, and took him under Our wing. Everything proceeded well, with only a few incidents here and there—truly insignificant events, We swear—until he became a being of pure darkness and invaded the Crystal Empire. Who could have seen it coming?
We wish to make a few more notes for thy benefit. The first is that the "royal We" should only be used by a royal pony. 'Tis a sign that one thinketh of one's self as a monarch, which mayeth cause one to appear arrogant in the eyes of one's friends; We are exempt due to Our status as thy Princess. The second item for thee to consider is the use of Our sister's name. We may call her "Tia", but only because We are her sister. No doubt she would not approve of anypony else using her nickname (she doth not even like Us to use it, but We do so anyway because Our sister's annoyance amuseth Us greatly).
However, We can get behind the banishment of a bully to the moon. Point Us in the poor thing's direction!
Regards,
Luna
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We received two letters regarding Our mane! They are as follows:
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Dear Princess Luna,
How can I get my mane to be as stylish as yours? Any tips?
Your Faithful Subject,
Minimoog Voyager
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Dear Princess Luna
How can I get my mane to look like yours? Do you use some kind of magic shampoo or is it just natural ?
Best regards ~ Starfall
P.S where can I join the Night Rebellion?
CURSE THE SUNLOVERS!
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Dear Minimoog and Starfall,
We could tell ye, but then We would have to kill ye.
Ah, but We jest. All you need do is live for hundreds of years. If you can accomplish that feat, then congratulations, and enjoy your flowing manes!
Regards,
Luna
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Thus endeth the second round of questions. We remind thee once more that Our sister hath taken the reins for the next edition, so if thou hast any questions for her, hesitate not—she looketh forward to answering thy correspondence.
Thank you once more, dear reader, and We anticipate helping thee in the future! We wish thee a good night!
