Your Human and You: I Am Not Spartacus

Chapters

1S) If You Aren't Spartacus, Am I? (Side of Chpt 1)
2) Learning of Each Other
2S) Are Sure You Aren't Spartacus? (Side of Chapter 2)
3) Bird in the Hand and I'll Wring Its Neck
3S) You Flunked the Spartacus Test (Side of Chpt 3)
4) Ding Dong the Witch is . . . ?
4S) Spartacus Is Off Visiting My Aunt (Side of Chpt 4)
5) Where're We? You're the Navigator!
6) Toto This Isn't Crufts Anymore
7) If You're Here, Who's Playing the Sonata?
8) Now the Flugelhorn Summons Us Again
9) Though Embattled We Are
9S) I Think Spartacus is Visiting His Mum
10) A Call to Burden the Bear
11) The Long Twilight Snuggle
11S) Spartacus Roasting on an Open Fire (Side of Chapter 11)
12) Celestia's Nightmare Night
13) Nightmare Night (Part 1)
13S) Spartacus Dressed Up as Whom? (Part 1) (side of Chpt 13)
14) Nightmare Night (Part 2)
14S) Spartacus Dressed Up as Whom? (Part 2)
15) Equestrians, Not Like That
15S) You Let Spartacus Do WHAT!?
16) Spartacus Gave Roller-Skates To Whom?
16S) Spartacus Goes Rolling Along
Epilogue - Meeting the Family
1) Introductions
5S) Spartacus Can't Come to the Phone Right Now

1S) If You Aren't Spartacus, Am I? (Side of Chpt 1)

Author's Note

An experiment, this is the 'other' side of the story. Future chapters should have a first-person present-tense from Percy's perspective, and a third-person, past-tense from the ponies'.

1S) If You Aren't Spartacus, Am I? (Side of Chpt 1)

Your Human and You: If You Aren't Spartacus, Am I?
Side story of I Am Not Spartacus
Based in the 'Your Human and You' universe by MadMaxtheBlack
This story is NOT canon with Your Human and You
DISCLAIMER: My Little Pony is the property of Hasbro, Inc.

by Dan_s Comments

"Cadence, I think this is a bad idea," Armor reminded his fiance.

"I want to see this, close up, for myself," Cadence told him. "Besides, we're going in well after the assault troops."

'Not far enough' Cadence read in his expression. But her mind was made up. I've heard too much talk about these places among the nobles, and with Shining 'bringing work home'. I have to actually know.

The assault troops went in first, and then they did. This is bedlam! Cadence thought as she ducked the thrown objects, some food, some used to be food, and the more professional missiles of the handlers.

The guards were everywhere, chasing handlers, and dodging the thrown objects. Cadence and Armor ducked and wove among the seeming forest of arms extended out of cages to catch at the unwary. And the noise. The screeches of rage, and excitement from dozens of throats as the humans vent their displeasure at invaders obviously upsetting the ponies the humans were used to.

Someone had let a dozen out of their cages, and they charged. Now I understand Armor's concern, Cadence thought as his shield came up, and the humans threw themselves on it. Beating on it, screaming, and it seems some try to kill themselves against it, beating their faces on the implacable barrier until they were so wounded or woozy they'd collapse. They are 'unsalvageable' because too many do not wish to live, Cadence realized, It isn't that the guard is being heartless. They simply have no other choice.

"They'll keep us pinned here while their masters escape," Sergeant Mile Stone shouted over the incredible noise.

"There's only three left," Armor turned to her and said, "Sorry Cadence."

She gulped and nodded. Armor dropped his shield and the humans practically threw themselves on the upraised spears.

"They can't want to die so badly," she said.

"Maybe they don't, but it seems that way to us," Mile Stone said, some of the blood spattered on him and Armor.

"Let's go. I hate this," he said, looking at the cages with anger, "If there were some other way. But what? Release them into the Everfree? Leave them here for a day, a week, a month? It's all been tried before."

Not by me, Cadence said.

"If you and I can handle your sister, maybe we can handle one," Cadence said, then spotted one sitting placidly in his cage, either oblivious or apathetic to the bedlam surrounding him on all sides. "That one."

"Uh, Highness," Corporal Sweetgrass said, "You might want to pick another one."

"This one seems almost docile," Cadence said as she watched.

During our approach, he kept glancing at us. Maybe he still has hope, maybe he understands he has options besides this life, and maybe I'm deluding myself. She reached towards him as he shifted to a different position, out of reach. Cadence frowned at that.

Then he looked at her, really looked. She'd seen eyes like that only once, on a foal who seemed withdrawn from everything. One who'd blossomed under Cadence's wings. He looked away, as if aware of the guards tensing.

"Armor," Cadence whispered, "I want to talk to you."

He handed her a sheaf of papers. "Something about him," Armor whispered back, "Take a look."

"I want this one," Cadence told him, and Mile Stone.

The old sergeant looked uncomfortable. Armor looked worse. The human picked that moment to yawn. All the ponies stared at the odd, very pointed teeth.

"Damned thing's a tiger," Mile Stone hissed in surprise.

"There's never been an example of one of these things being resocialized after time in the pits. You know that Cadence," Armor reminded her.

Cadence nodded. She looked at him. Please understand, I have to try, she thought, and let her expression carry her intent.

Armor rolled his eyes and nodded. Cadence smiled and flipped through the pages, then she found it. "Here it is, it's him." She looked the human over carefully. "Red harness, docile attitude, and the teeth."

"I knew I'd seen that report," Armor said

"The syndicate who owned him was raided, how did he escape?" Cadence said, and looked over the other ponies. She looked back and noted he was watching them, not singling out any one of them, but taking them all in. "Sergeant, take him to the palace."

"Cadence, it's too dangerous," Armor said.

Cadence stuck her foreleg deep into the cage and stared at Armor. "The guard uses humans. This one would be perfect to test if they can be made into bodyguards."

She watched Armor squirm a bit as he expected the human to pounce any second.

Mile Stone said, "He's a dumb animal, Highness." And he put his foreleg on hers to ease it out of the cage before the human noted the target or the movement. "You certainly wouldn't want your children near one."

Cadence let him finish, but she turned her plea on Armor. Understand, please, just help me, she wanted to explain, but not in front of his soldiers. But Armor wasn't backing down.

She realized one source of his concern. "There's one child I wouldn't want him near," Cadence said, "But I think if he did what he does to his humans to this one, even Auntie couldn't put him back together." Armor nodded, and relaxed a bit.

Cadence turned to look at him. "Besides, he's cute."

Cadence stared into his eyes, and saw, something going on. Hidden beneath. Like Twilight hiding her feelings and fear. Cadence stared at him, supposedly an action that would invite an attack. Yet he just glanced at all of them. "Have him washed, groomed, and taken to my quarters," Cadence said.

Mile Stone gasped, along with Armor. "Who in the palace would be brave enough to groom such a monster?" Mile Stone asked.

"Oh, well, I'll do it myself," Cadence said and grinned.

I swear it's like he can hear me. Or maybe it's the tension of the ponies around me, Cadence thought as she looked at him, at his eyes.

"Cadence, we need to talk, now," Armor told her.

She nodded and followed him a short ways away.

"What's gotten into you?" he asked, "That isn't a foal or a pet, that's a trained killer." Armor held up the paper. " 'The Crimson Death, 483 matches, only 12 losses and those were so close the crowd spared him. He has killed adult, armed minotaurs. He's crippled every pony who faced him in the arena. He's fought in a dozen grand melees, where they toss twenty or thirty fighters in the pit. Last one standing leaves."

"And," Cadence replied, as she paged through the reports, "He saved a, two, three foals who fell into the pits, during matches. As long as nopony breaks into the apartment to attack him, he isn't going to start anything."

"You hope," Armor countered. "For all you know he could be drugged or insane and all he needs is to hear a bell and he's off."

"He's loose!" Mile Stone shouted, no fear, but he wasn't happy either.

Armor gave her an 'I told you so' look and raced back to where the human was walking across the tops of the cages.

"You want proof, how's this?" Cadence said and rushed forward to block his way to the arena.

He stopped, and for a few moments, the pair just stared at each other.

"He's just doing what he's been trained for. He's supposed to go to the pit, so he went," Cadence said, then looked to Armor and grinned. Her fiance facehoofed and then shrugged. Cadence looked at the face, and those searching eyes. "I wish you could understand. We aren't going to hurt you." She fluttered up putting herself easily in his range. A dozen of more ponies took careful aim with their crossbows.

Okay Cadence, she thought, Here's the real test. She reached out slowly, and clipped a leash to the collar fitting. The metal on metal snap sounded like an explosion in the now quiet place. How did all the noise suddenly disappear? Of course, we're euthanizing all the humans. Euthanize, exterminate, just depends on how much trouble you're willing to go through for someone. What about you? She fluttered away a short distance. She stayed in reach, just to see what he did. But he stayed passive, as if waiting for instructions.

That's it, he's just used to instructions from ponies, Cadence thought, While we have all these guards, I'd better test that.

"Parasol, take him to the Palace," Cadence said and kept her eyes on his. When the mare didn't approach, Cadence turned to look at her petrified hoofmaiden.

She felt a spike of fear as the Crimson Death took the leash from her hoof and started towards Parasol. She felt the world hanging in the balance as the crossbows tracked his approach, and Shining stood ready to deploy his field to protect Parasol.

But he stopped just out of reach. Cadence let out a breath. Then Parasol took a step back, and the Crimson Death took a step forward.

Don't run, don't run, don't run, don't run! Cadence thought as she made placating gestures to the poor mare staring at the human staring down at her.

The poor mare swapped ends and ran screaming from the apparition. The human seemed to take no notice and jogged after her.

"Keep her out of trouble," Armor ordered Mile Stone and two troopers. He looked over at Cadence. "Do I need to repeat what a bad idea this is?"

"He hasn't hurt anypony," Cadence replied a bit peevishly.

"You left out one very important word. 'Yet.' He might not try to harm her physically, but he terrifies the pronk out of her. There's also the fact he's going to be living in close proximity to two nubile mares."

"You live with those same mares," Cadence said.

"I'm a pony, not an animal," Shining said, "Look, if this was a place way out in the country and we could let him run around, that would be one thing. But this is the palace. There are ponies who don't treat other ponies as people, how will they deal with a little human running around?"

"Those same ponies will remember he's my little human, and that means only Celestia can say what goes, against my wishes and commands," Cadence said, "Armor, you had nightmares after the first raid you went on. There has to be a better way." Cadence gestured at all the unconscious humans who would soon be dead humans. "Something better than this. It's not fair to them, and it's not fair to us. Ponies aren't killers, but this taints everything Equestria is supposed to stand for."

Armor sighed and nodded. "Fine, but he's not sharing our bed."

"Unless you say otherwise, fine. I'm not a fancier either," Cadence said and took one last look around, "I hate this." She left so the soldiers could do their grisly work, and clean up after it.

The nurse was not whom Cadence wanted to see on heading into the palace. "Highness, I was looking for you and Shining," the pegasus said as she touched down, "Don't worry Twilight is all right."

"Twilight?" Cadence asked as her blood ran cold.

She held up her forehooves as she fluttered. "Don't worry, she swallowed a little water and . . . "

"AND?" Cadence didn't quite use the Royal Canterlot voice.

The nurse pointed to Shining Armor arriving. "I was going to say, that Twilight fell in the Eastern Fountain, but a human dove in and rescued her. She swallowed a bit of water, and had the wind knocked out of her. But she was furious that the Lepidoptera got away."

"She's all right, and I almost don't want to know how she wound up in the Eastern Fountain while chasing butterflies," Armor said.

"Whose human was it?" Cadence asked.

"Umh, the guard said he was wearing a red harness with a crest he didn't recognize," the nurse, "I just thought you should know." She fluttered off.

Cadence looked at Shining. "It couldn't be," she said.

Armor stared at her. "This is Twilie we're talking about." He sighed. "Let's go see her, and then I'm getting out of this armor and getting a bath." He frowned. "Who is going to bathe that creature? I haven't smelled anything that bad since I helped a sick herd of cows."

"If Parasol hasn't, I'll do it. After you get done," she said.

" 'It wasn't a butterfly, it was a moth'," Armor said, in a good approximation of Twilie's tone.

Cadence gave him a disapproving look, but a smile kept peeking out. "You shouldn't tease her like that."

"She chased a bug out onto a wire to see if it was eating from a particular flower," Armor said and snickered, then he sobered, "If it was the Crimson Death who rescued her, then I will concede the point that maybe he is somehow redeemable. But unfortunately the guard who rescued her is off duty and won't be back for two days. We can always ask Parasol."

They entered the royal apartments. Blueblood walked past, nose in the air and a cloud of humans following.

"I do not want him getting his hands on him," Cadence said.

"There's no proof of those rumors," Armor said, "Believe me, they've been looked into."

"His humans are so cowed," Cadence said.

"Here's a crazy thought, maybe they actually like him," Armor whispered.

Cadence stared back at him with her ears pinned back. "And you call your sister's theories crazy."

"I never said they were smart," Armor replied, "Or had good taste."

Cadence shook her head. They entered the apartment and looked at Parasol staring at the ceiling. Armor stepped behind her and tracked what she was staring at.

"Oh by the Horn," Cadence said, "The tallest bookcase in the place and he picks that as his bedroom?"

"He climbed up there as soon as he got here. I just looked around, and poof, he was gone. Then your guard spotted him up there," Parasol said, "Lady Cadence. I think this one is completely mental. He jumped into the Eastern Fountain, climbed down a drain pipe, ran through the panicking ponies, and jumped in. He could have drowned right alongside Twilight, if that guard hadn't been there to collect her."

"He did rescue Twilie?" Armor asked.

"Yes, sir. And after that, he sat in the fountain and took a bath," Parasol said, "No reaction to saving a life, just started bathing himself." The little mare made little mincing steps in her frustration.

Cadence snorted to cover a laugh.

"I swear he went looking for some soap first, but he just cleaned himself off, then back up the drain pipe, still dripping wet." Parasol frowned. "He would have just walked in here soaking wet, if I hadn't found a towel. Fortunately, he figured out what it was for. Then just dropped it on the ground. I can imagine what cleaning up after him will be like. And we'd better pray he's paper-trained. He does his business up there, he can fling the poo anywhere in the whole apartment."

"Maybe we should open the window," Shining said.

"Armor!" Cadence said, and bopped him on the nose, "There are ponies walking by down there."

"Yeah, all with their noses in the air," Armor said, trying and failing to stop a giggle.

Parasol squeaked, and Cadence nearly choked on her stifled laugh.

"I didn't get a human to . . . inconvenience the arrogant," Cadence said, and snorted again as the image invaded her head. "You're awful!"

"They certainly will be," Armor said and gave up, he started laughing.

The three of them laugh at the image. He whistled like a falling stone and touched his nose. "Splash!"

"No," Cadence said amid her laughter, "It's not right, no matter how funny or deserved it might be." She sobered, although she was still grinning. "Parasol, you're sure he saved Twilight?"

Parasol nodded, trying to get and stay serious, but she kept having a giggle bubble up.

Cadence lifted off and flew to the top of the shelf and nudged him, then again. The human rolled over, and tried to wake up.

Cadence grabbing him in a hug and chanting, 'Thank you, thank you, thank you!' had his eyes bugging out of his head. Armor chuckled, until he made a little hiss of pain.

"Sorry, I'm so sorry," Cadence said and moved away, "But I just heard what you did, and I want to thank you." She saw his look of fear and moved away. "Oh, you don't understand a word I'm saying. I am sorry."

Cadence approached carefully, her horn glowing. Armor couldn't make out what she was saying, but she was using her best foalsitter tone to communicate. "The filly?"

The human tried to interact with the image Cadence had conjured. That worried Armor. Most humans don't get symbolic logic, he thought.

Then Cadence hugged him again, but this time the human hugged her back and seemed to be relaxing into her grip and stroking her mane. He couldn't help it, it bothered him.

Cadence looked over at him. "Armor, it's all right, I'm not a fancy." She shuddered at the idea. She looked at the human. "What are you doing up here?" she asked pointedly.

Then she moved off to the bedroom and the human climbed down. Armor moved to intercept him. "You stay away from her, understand?"

Idiot, of course doesn't understand, Armor chided himself.

He stared as the human begins running his fingers through his fetlock with a vacuous expression on his face.

Idiot, it's soft manes and tails he likes, Armor thought and disengaged, We're dealing with a child, not a monster.

Then the human dropped to the floor just in time for Cadence to return. "What did you two do?"

Armor rolled his eyes. "I found out that I don't have to worry about him sneaking into your bed at night. He'll be too busy trying to figure out a way to sneak into mine." He whispered, "I have softer fetlocks than you do."

Cadence smirked. "And you are very cute too." She giggled and glanced at Parasol who still had a 'what have I gotten myself into' look on her face.

"Clothes," Parasol said, "Unless you want him parading around like that."

"You're right," Armor said.

"Come on," Cadence told the human, "We have to get you some new clothes. I think getting you a kilt might be a good idea." She looked at Shining.

He's staring at the human. There's a bigger mystery here. How did he evade a sweep? Did he escape and nopony brought it up, or did he have help? I'm not so naive to ignore how much money he could be sold for. We better think of some way to mark him that is hard to remove and that we can trace.

"We haven't named him yet," he said absently as he stared.

Cadence stared at Armor. "Didn't the tabloids already name him The Crimson Death?"

Armor snorted at that. "I can just see you attending a garden party. 'Yes this is my human, The Crimson Death, he used to be a pit-fighter but now he's serving horses' douvers'. Celestia would love that." He chuckled. Then he noted that the human's expression appeared strained.

I wonder how much he understands. Our words, or is he just mimicking our emotions? Armor asked himself.

Cadence chuckled. "She'd think it's charming, you know how she gets." She laughed. "Still a name."

"Ursine Persiflage," Armor said, and enjoyed Cadence's look of outrage, "For how loud he is."

She and Parasol laughed. "You're awful," Cadence said and booped his nose, "Most nobles couldn't even pronounce that without two days warning and most who could would have no idea what it meant."

"We can call him Ursy Percy," Armor said, and enjoyed Cadence struggling not to breakout laughing.

"Ursine Persiflage it is. All those idiots with their dogs with names longer than the animal deserve it," Cadence said.

"Is he still wearing his leash?" Armor said as he noticed.

"I wasn't going to climb up and take it off him," Parasol said.

"I assumed you'd be holding it," Armor said.

"He never let me get close enough to take it," Parasol said, "We need to get a longer one."

"No," Cadence said, "The law says all humans have to be leashed and the one responsible has to hold the leash." She started laughing. "He seems pretty responsible to me."

Why do I feel like I just bought the Princess of Love a pet locomotive? Armor wondered as they headed out to the boutiques just outside the palace.

"I think we might do better in the working class shops," Parasol said, "Most of this stuff looks like you bought the human for just one purpose."

Cadence shivered at that thought. "Where does the military buy their kit for their Military Working Humans?"

Armor nodded and headed towards that shop. It also had the advantage of not having a 'no humans allowed' sign. What's the point of not letting the pet into the pet store? Especially if you're trying to get clothes to fit.

The shopkeeper a unicorn named Seam Runner smiled as she recognized Armor, then stared at the human holding his own leash. "New MWH?" she asked.

"Pet, but a worker," Cadence said, "We need some working clothes."

"Whose is he?" Seam asked.

"Mine, why?" Cadence asked.

"A lot of owners don't like branding their humans, but want to mark them," Seam explained, "We make monogrammed clothes, puts your cutie-mark right on them, without burning it into them. They seem to like it and identify better with their owner. Seeing themselves marked the same way as the owner."

"Armor," Cadence said eagerly.

"I'd already planned on getting that," Armor said, then looked at the human picking through the kilts. "Why don't we let him chose one?" Armor said.

Armor was as surprised as Cadence that he picked a plaid that included some of the colors of Armor's and Cadence's manes.

They added a few shampoos, brushes, and a few toys.

Seam came from behind the counter and tapped Percy's feet. "Up," she said and gestured. She grimaced at what she saw. "He needs a hooficure and probably a set of sandals. Or his feet will give you endless trouble. The callouses and little lines are uneven and that's a bad sign."

"How bad?" Cadence asked.

"Probably has a half-dozen, little splinters that nopony bothered to get out. I've got a vet who can do the whole thing in an hour. Don't worry, he uses anesthesia. I wish he'd treat ponies. I swear some vets are better than our doctors," Seam said.

"Nopony is going to bite their doctor," Armor said, "At least not in Canterlot. The vets can't say the same."

"Is he military, or personal?" Seam asked.

"Personal," Cadence said.

Seam wrote up the ticket. "If he was walking on soft dirt, or straw he could go a long time. Walking on the stone floors of the palace will make that a real problem."

"Thank you," Cadence said, "We'll go right now."

Armor nodded.

"So much for poor Armor's dear hope that he could poo bomb the fashionable as they walked by," Cadence said as she settled at her writing desk.

Parasol smiled. "I still think he could do it. He just couldn't blame it on Percy."

Cadence nodded. "Something wrong?" she asked Parasol.

"I thought I heard," Parasol said, her ears swivelling, "I did hear." The hoofmaiden stood and rushed out of the room.

Cadence followed her to the bathroom. "Percy what are you . . . ?" She watched the toilet roll spin madly as the water took the end and what it was attached to down the drain.

Parasol ran off, leaving Cadence with an absolutely fascinated human watching the simple mechanism work. "You're as bad as Twilight," Cadence said as she remembered all the trouble the filly could get into with the most innocuous things. "I should give you to Celestia, you and Philomena would get on great." Cadence returned to her room and threw herself on her bed to muffle her laughter.

Armor saw the expression on Cadence's face as she sat in the living room. It was either a sergeant dealing with a batch of extremely clever, young officers or a mother overwhelmed by her children. Neither Percy nor Parasol were in evidence.

"You were right, I was wrong," Cadence said. Her flat tone ominous in so many ways.

Armor switched back to the Captain of the Guard dealing with a unicorn or earth pony standing on a high ledge, until a pegasus team could arrive. "What happened?"

"Lady Horn Swoggle and Sir Eagle Belle arrived," Cadence said.

The rich snob who 'adjusts' all the furniture and checks for dust on the tops of the paintings? Armor didn't ask, That would explain things. He'd set a plate of cookies in front of the mare once, and watched her adjust half of them, then turn the plate. Every time somepony took a cookie, she 'arrived' back at the plate and rearranged the others. It could be very irritating.

"Yes," Armor said carefully as he sat beside Cadence and gathered her against him.

"She was rearranging things, and Percy was playing with the boxes for the toys we bought, constructing something."

Armor glanced at the ignored toys in the wood box with Percy's name on it. "Yes," Armor said, almost afraid of what happened next.

"She picked the boxes up and threw them away," Cadence said.

Oh Celestia, that must have gone over well, Armor thought.

All he said was, "Yes."

"After I served tea and cakes, and she rearranged them," Cadence said, "He walked behind the couch I was on and canted the picture there at least 15 degrees, and glared at her."

Every bit of his restraint and training came into play, of the Captain of the Guard dealing with some noble who didn't understand, and had to be pampered.

"And?" he asked as neutrally as he could.

Cadence turned to face him, her emotions boiling. "I couldn't see it. I thought the poor mare was sitting in her chair and having a stroke! Sir Belle wouldn't tell me. He was just acting like you are, stiff upper lip and all."

"And?" Armor said, letting the faintest glimmer of a smile through.

Cadence hit him with a pillow.

Parasol opened the door to the apartment and saw the air filled with feathers. Screams of rage and laughter sounded from within the cloud. She turned. "Come on Percy, let's find a restaurant that allows humans. I'm not walking into that."

The human closed the door very quietly.

Armor reminded himself that not all ponies were like whichever ponies had done that. The son would survive, but a unicorn without a horn was at a serious disadvantage in life. It was the two newborns he couldn't understand. I hope to Celestia they just took them and gave them to some adoption agency. If they . . . if they just tossed them over the edge like they said . . . he thought, and shook his head. But the horror of the idea wouldn't go away.

Armor suddenly awakened and looked around. He was back in the apartment and had his head in Percy's lap. Cadence was kneeling near them.

"It's okay," she told him, she grinned and glanced at him and Percy, "It's all right, he was just looking after you." Cadence hugged him and told him, "I heard when Celestia did. You did all you could. You did all anyone could."

But it wasn't enough, he thought as he hugged Cadence, and all the pain and uncertainty overwhelmed him. What good is being Captain of the Guard if I can't even protect the most innocent and helpless? He felt himself crying. He was dimly aware of the strong fingers stroking his mane.

Cadence watched Armor fall into an exhausted sleep. She'd been horrified by the reports, that ponies would strike at another pony's children to 'send a message' to whoever informed on the fighting rings. Then I realized Armor would be in the middle of it, she thought as she gently lifted Armor and the blanket Percy must have draped over Armor.

A sudden stab of fear and she looked at the open windows, and wondered. Will they come after Shining? Or me, to get at him? Her eyes locked on Percy. I'm an idiot, I've got a human who's killed armed minotaurs with his bare hands, and I'm worried about ponies.

She took a deep breath as she gestured to Percy. "Come on, I think you'll help."

He looked confused.

"Come on, it's all right," she told him and carried Armor to their bedroom. Percy followed.

She turned down the bed and set Armor in it, when she climbed in Percy started to tuck them in. "No, you too," she said, and realized it was more that confusion on his face, he was distinctly unhappy. "Please."

He looked very worried as he removed the smock with her cutie-mark on the front and back, then the kilt, and climbed in behind Armor. Her magic pulled the covers over all of them.

Armor made a little noise in his sleep. She used her power on hm, to remind him that she loved hm, as did many others. A moment later, she released a second heart. She stared at it as it touched and bounced off Percy's head. But I've used it on humans before, she thought, and felt another touch of fear, So much for whatever 'special' advantage my powers would have given me. Wait, he doesn't need my special power. He honestly cares. She settled in and let sleep take her.

She'd been enjoying the naughtiest dream with Shining Armor, until he turned into a tea kettle whistling at the top of his lungs. Cadence opened her eyes and tried to figure out if she was still asleep and dreaming, or if she was awake. The world seemed surreal.

The thumps and noises outside the door seemed unreal, as if somepony was fighting in her living room. She heard her Auntie cry out in pain. "Now I know I'm dreaming," she said as she climbed out of bed, and counted to one. Percy was gone, and her heart froze. There was a very good reason for someone to be fighting in her living room.

She charged her horn and yanked the door open, what she saw froze her blood. Celestia looked like she'd been attacked, and Percy was crouched and preparing to spring. "Percy! NO!" she shouted and pushed him down. "Celestia, what are you doing?" she demanded.

Percy seemed to calm down instantly. But Celestia seemed to be enjoying the fight.

"We caught the assassin, and I decided to check on your security," Celestia said and shrugged, "I had no idea you had obtained such a ferocious." She winced and rubbed her forehead. "Ow. And effective bodyguard, my niece."

"Someone I'm training not to do this, OOF!" Cadence said, then Percy shoved her off him and dashed for a fire poker lying on the carpet. "PERCY! NO!"

Then he ran past both of them with the poker in hand. Both alicorns raced after him. Cadence felt the world go into slow motion as she saw the Wonderbolt at the open window, Percy with the poker held like a lance, and the Wonderbolt flick the knife she'd been aiming at Armor at Percy. Not Percy, at me, she thought as Percy moved slightly at took the blow on the side. The blade stuck, then fell out as Celestia's magic yanked Cadence out of the path the knife would have taken.

When she could make her eyes move, Percy was outside the window, the poker through the pegasus. She watched as they continued to move farther away, drifting like clouds. But as if gravity realized its negligence, the pair started moving down.

"No!" she felt rather than heard herself yell.

She watched as Celestia looked at Armor, looked at her, and then looked out the window. As Celestia's horn glowed, Cadence felt time resume it's normal flow. "He's so much fun, and he already cares so much, I could hardly let him go splat," Celestia said and smiled and the pair levitated up to the window.

Cadence watched as Armor woke and took in the entire scene as he came awake. Percy's head lolled as he gripped the poker shoved through the hysterically screaming pegasus.

"Get the doctors," Celestia commanded and Cadence ran off to comply.

Celestia let the doctors tend her minor wounds. She was mulling over the fight, and the assassination attempt. While she smiled at the first, the latter one disturbed her to the core.

"Disgraceful, he'll be put down," one of the courtiers said, breaking Celestia out of her meditations.

"I was actually thinking of studding him to all the Guard's females," Celestia said. She enjoyed the horrified look on the bureaucrat in charge of her security, a functionary rather than a guard. "He was defending Cadence and Shining Armor, and ferociously. Even outmatched and wounded, he pressed the attack."

"He attacked you, Your Highness," the functionary insisted.

"Yes. I probably should have surrendered," she said as she rested her chin on an upraised hoof. "I'm fairly certain if I hadn't continued to challenge, everything would be all right." A thought kept occurring to her. She ignored the sputtering functionary, and the chuckling physician and called up a copy of the floor plan of Cadence's apartment.

"Soldier, if an opponent stayed in this area, and you came in here," Celestia said as she marked where Percy had remained, and where she had entered from, "What do you make of this?"

"Looks like a guard trying to keep someone away from that room, Highness," the guard said.

That's what I thought, Celestia thought as she scratched her chin, So did he get that from pit-fighting? Area denial? I've seen that in Guard's working humans. It's an incredibly sophisticated tactic for an untrained human, some soldiers can't master it. Was he trained by the same unicorns who do the Guard's? I suppose I can ask.

"Highness," the doctor said in the voice of one who knows much of her wisdom was going to be ignored, "Since you enjoy sparring with him so much, might I suggest a more formal setting and rules, rather than in the dark of night with whatever weapons come to hand?"

"Why Kill Dare! That's a positively splendid idea," Celestia said, and watched the old mare facehoof.

2) Learning of Each Other

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

2S) Are Sure You Aren't Spartacus? (Side of Chapter 2)

Your Human and You: Are Sure You Aren't Spartacus?
Side story of I Am Not Spartacus
Based in the 'Your Human and You' universe by MadMaxtheBlack
This story is NOT canon with Your Human and You

by Dan_s Comments

Cadence winced at each bump of the gurney. She and Armor alternated breathing for the human who'd been willing to face an alicorn and leap from a height to protect them.

On one hoof, he seems so childlike, and on the other, he's a fearless, killing machine, Cadence thought, I can't imagine he'd be dangerous to us.

"Please don't die," she told him, trying to hold back tears.

I wanted to prove you were more than what everyone said you were, she thought as she breathed for him, Please don't die because of that.

They enter the treatment room and she and Armor lifted him onto the examination table and covered him with a sheet. The wound under bandages was still weeping blood, and he looked at them with confusion and fear. She breathed for him again and looked at Armor.

"Cadence, I . . . " he said and glanced towards the door.

Cadence felt anger, something she experienced only rarely. They hurt that family, they tried to kill Armor, and they may have killed Percy. Her expression turned ugly as she looked at him.

"Go, wring that pegasus for all she knows. If she doesn't talk," she said and glanced down at the frightened human who'd already done so much for them, "Tell her we'll lock her in a room with Percy until she does. After we make him understand, she hurts foals for fun."

Armor smiled at that. "I may just do that." At the door he paused and told her, "He'll have to escape and come looking for her."

Once he was gone, she let her tears flow. "Please, please, don't die. Please don't die."

The vet set up an IV, and brought in a machine to help Percy breathe. For an instant she feared he's hurt himself, not understanding. He either understands, or accepts what's happening, she thought as Percy didn't struggle as the vet fitted the breathing machine and her nurse set the IV. She felt herself relax a little.

"Is he going to be all right?" she asked, then nearly facehooved at the stupidity of her question.

"Within reason," the vet explained. She smiled at her. "A nice one gets under your skin, until they're like family. How long have you had him?"

"A couple weeks," she said and chuckled, "I guess I'm being overly sentimental." She looked over Percy, he seemed to be sleeping now, he looked so peaceful.

The vet raised an eyebrow. "Special one then. We had one, day after we got him, he pulled my youngest out of a well, just climbed in and got her. No muss no fuss, just did it. We all cried when he passed on." The vet rubbed her eyes. "We're lucky they aren't smarter, or they'd be running things, and we'd be the pets."

Cadence snorted at the impossibility of that.

The interrogator looked at the suffering pegasus, and grinned. "Wonderbolt wannabe, and one little human messed you up," tho officer said, "I hope your bosses are paying you a lot of money for your botched attempt."

The pegasus mare grimaced but kept silent. Then she stiffened and cried out as the bones ground on each other.

"You should keep still," the interrogator said, "The docs aren't going to like having to break and refuse that bone. Oh, and the itching is going to be incredible. Imagine, itching deep inside you. Too bad that human popped a few things inside you too bad to fix."

The mare stared at him in horror.

"Oh, you wanted foals. I suppose you could adopt, as long as the agency doesn't know you tried to kill the Captain of the Guard and one of the Royal Family," he told her. "You just think about that, think a good, long time. And remember, you don't have to tell us anything. It'll just be a lot easier on you if you do."

The interrogator left the room and the mare broke into sobs.

"How is she?" Armor asked.

"Oh, she'll be fine," the interrogator said, "Your human did a number on her, but she'll recover."

"So all that?" Armor said.

"Oh it hurts like the dickens, but no permanent damage, but most mares don't know that a buck there hurts them as much as a stallion," the interrogator said as he took a drink of water, "So it's easy to let her think he sterilized her. On some mares it's devastating, it's a fairly standard tactic. How are you, Captain? And what are you doing here?"

"Had to get a look at her, where she couldn't see me. That and my lady, Cadence, commented that you might want to tell her that our human, Percy, survived. He used to be known as the Crimson Death, and he took her attack on his new family rather personally. If he should hear that she likes to hurt foals, he might just pay her a visit and explain things in the universal language."

"I might just do that, if I need to. But that's making a threat. It might hurt her prosecution," the interrogator said.

"I know, but I thought you might want to have that if you need it," Armor said. He took a deep breath to calm himself. "What I really want to know is where those foals are. I wish I thought she knew. If she did, I would lock her in a room with Percy, until she talked. Rescuing those kids would be worth letting her walk."

"I kinda doubt that your Percy would leave much to try," the interrogator paused and asked, "He did know there was nothing outside that window but a whole lot of down, didn't he?"

"You'll have to ask Cadence, maybe he knew we'd save him. Telekinesis is not exactly rare among unicorns," Armor replied.

"No offense, Captain, but I wouldn't jump out a window on the chance someone would save me," the interrogator said, "Unless I had a lot of faith in them, or if I were completely crazy."

Armor considered, and nodded.

Armor dragged himself home after another day of paperwork, searching through abandoned lairs, and listening to the endless excuses of nobles whose family members had gotten caught up in the dragnet.

He was not expecting to be tackled on entering his home.

"They found them, they found them!" Cadence shouted as she danced around him, practically swinging him in a circle. "They were in an orphanage, and they're being reunited with their families!"

"Down, please, or sick up," Armor managed, and was granted contact with the ground again. He stumbled around in circles and tried to get his breath back. Collapsing on the floor seemed a really good idea, so it did so.

"How did they find them?" he managed from his prone position.

"I called some friends from school and we just scoured every orphanage within a dozen miles. It's taken several days, but we found them in Canterlot," Cadence told him and danced happily.

Score one for the 'old chums' network, Armor thought, Now if I could keep them from closing ranks to protect the real villains in this.

"That's great," he said and began to stand up, once he was sure the room wouldn't start spinning again.

"You don't sound happy," Cadence said as she stared at him, her head cocked to one side.

"The same camaraderie which let your team scour every orphanage in a dozen miles is the same camaraderie that is protecting the chiefs of this ring, and preventing the Guard from getting any leads. I applaud it when it works for us, but when it protects the people who set an assassin on our window sill, I can't be too pleased about it."

Cadence gulped and nodded. "Okay, I'll see what the 'old mares' network' can do about that," she said and sighed, "I guess I was concentrating on rescuing the kids, to ignore the fact that those same people invaded our home."

"Speaking of unsuccessful invasions," Armor said, "Have you gone to see Percy? They took him off the ventilator a few days ago. The vet said he'd be drifting in and out of consciousness for a few days, and hearing a familiar voice might help his recovery."

"Yes." Cadence frowned. "Your troopers wouldn't let me in, and I suspect they're using his room as a break room."

Armor smirked. "I'll send the word through my network that you are allowed in," Armor said, "It's a shame he can't talk . . . say, is there a spell that would let him talk? Or turn him into a pony long enough to interrogate him?"

"Ask your sister," Cadence said, "But shapechanging is tricky, and anything he told you probably wouldn't be good evidence. Auntie Celestia did a shapechange on me, changed me into an 'ordinary earth pony'. Basically your little sojourn on the floor was the whole effect. I was ill, disoriented, and loopy while the spell lasted. I decided magic wasn't the way to deal with the horn and wings."

"I'm glad you didn't decide to become an earth pony, and so is Twilie," Armor told her and nuzzled her. "But I can't help wishing, can I?"

"Nope," Cadence told him.

Cadence was as good as her word, but unfortunately, the delay cost us the usefulness of that Intel, Armor thought as the two nervous 'doctors' entered Percy's room. Do those two really think they're fooling anypony? He looked over his storming crew and considered their disguises. Nopony had made a dash at Cadence or himself, but he'd gotten leads that they might take a swipe at Percy as a 'warning'. Evidently even they aren't arrogant enough to take a try at Celestia's niece, he thought, and started at the cry of alarm from the room.

"Maybe just leave them to the Tiger?" Mile Stone said as he moved by with a broom.

No, we need something to interrogate, he thought as he watched and waited. The call button sounded, and they charged in.

Inside, the bumblers dropped the syringe containing Percy's 'accident', then they drew their knives.

I don't think I like Percy's expression, Armor thought, At least not if it was aimed at me. Then he got a fiendish idea.

"Doc," Armor said as the bumblers brandished their knives, "Pull the IV, then back out of here slowly." The sudden uncertainty on the bumblers was comical to watch.

Mile Stone added his two-bits, "Sir. Even if they are scum, you can't do that to them." He stepped in front of Armor and 'tried to stare him down.'

Behind him, bumbler number one was staring at the figure in bed. He's sweating. The other was sneering and brandishes his knife.

The orderly has had enough of the two as well. "We are attempting to control his diet to speed his recovery," he said, and hurumphed like a good doctor, "Besides, who is going to cover the damage to the room."

Armor rolled his eyes, then threw in, "Cadence can."

Uh oh, may have over played things, Armor thought as Percy turned his attention to the bumblers, and skinned back his lips to show all his very alien teeth. A timberwolf doesn't have teeth like that.

"You can't leave us alone in here with that," the syringe dropper squealed in terror as Percy slowly swung his legs out of the bed, and set his feet on the floor.

I swear he knows what's going on and is playing to it, Armor thought, Of course, dummy, he's used to playing to the crowds. It wouldn't take a genius to realize we and they are mutually hostile.

"You're an officer of the law! We've got rights!" The bumbler called and backed towards the wall.

They shouldn't make it so easy, Armor thought and smiled.

"Drop your weapons," Armor said and shrugged, "Maybe he'll leave you alive." He shrugged, then glanced behind him as Percy leaned down and picked up the largest shard of glass left from the syringe.

"Oops, maybe too late," he told them and smiled to the bumblers. They shivered at the sight as Armor added, "Or, I can make him understand you hurt foals for fun."

The two thugs were looking from the guards to the human, and then to their knives. They were clearly not happy with how fast this all went south on them.

Armor smiled as their confidence drained away. "He's funny about foals, jumped into a fountain to rescue one he didn't even know. No telling what he'd do to someone who hurts them for fun." He turned back to the crouched figure. "Percy, let me tell you about these gentlemen."

They showed their true colors as their knives clattered to the ground. They were still trying to squeeze into the corner and put the other one in front of them. "We'll talk," one bumbler said.

"With you, just away from that thing!" the other bumbler added.

"That monster isn't even human!" the first bumbler squeaked, and nearly fainted when Percy bared his teeth at them.

"And what are you?" Armor asked the pony, "Who'd only face him asleep and helpless? Take them away." He glared at them in disgust as he collected their knives and the fragments of the syringe they'd dropped.

When Percy approached the pair with his placid expression clearly presaging murder, Armor stepped in his way. He told Percy, "Cadence is all right." When the human's did not break eye contact with the two bumblers, Armor projected an image of Cadence playing with several Twilights, until Percy relaxed and concentrated on the figures.

Percy let Mile Stone and the orderly put him back to bed.

The orderly looked at Armor worriedly. "You would really have done that?"

Armor grinned. "Doc, you've heard how to prevent an assassination of me and Cadence, he tackled a pegasus over the Audubon Courtyard outside the South Tower?"

The orderly nodded.

"He hung onto her and kneed her in the groin so she couldn't fly," Armor smirked at the orderly's wince. "If Her Highness hadn't grabbed them, they'd been splats on the concrete. I didn't need to do anything but suggest it."

"Who the heck trains a human to do that?" the orderly asked.

"There are ponies who train humans for the Guard," Armor said, "You want somepony dead, you send them. Even if that 'pony' is a charging minotaur. Nothing short of a dragon will stop them, and if they're well treated, there's nothing on Equestria more loyal. I just never heard of them training a pit fighter."

I'm not sure if I like or am afraid of the implications., Armor thought.

The two officers slipped into the human's room. They smirked at the little table, chairs and fruit basket set up across from the bed. Princess Cadence hadn't approved of using the room as a break room, but couldn't stop it so she made it embarrassing. The really frustrating part was that the care the human was getting from the vets was better than some ponies got from the regular doctors and nurses at 'real' hospitals.

"I break my leg, I'm telling them I'm a human temporarily transformed into a pony," the guard said, "This is better then when my kid had her colic dealt with."

"Flush and out?" the other guard chuckled, "Yeah, but don't forget the price. He dies, they cut him into little pieces to figure out how he works. You want your kids to have good doctors, donate your body to medical research."

Both ponies shuddered at the thought.

"It still wish they had brought those two 'assassins' in here, and let Percy stare at them. Maybe we would've gotten more timely info out of them," the first guard said.

"Or that hot little number who got her cooch booted all the way down," the second guard chuckled, "From what I've heard, she's permanently messed up in the head, but good. Nightmares about Percy here sneaking into her bedroom and ripping her open crotch to navel, and her loving every second until she bleeds out." They both grimly chuckled. "Noponies touching that ever again."

The first guard nodded. "I still think we ought to drag her in here and chain her to the wall, give the Crimson Death here a hair brush and let them go to town. She'd be screaming a blue streak and he'd just be brushing her hair. Humans are like that. Weird."

"You get in trouble thinking like that," the second guard said.

"Yeah, I'll get in even more trouble having a crush on my Captain. And his fiance, Cadence, she's got to know half the guard wants him. That might be the reason he can command them to do anything. But she teases them about it, and takes it in stride. Gotta love that girl. Look but don't touch."

"That applies to her as well," the second guard warned, "If you made her cry, you'd be facing him, and Armor."

"Yeah, if only we could get to some source before they all get some hint that talking to us is the more dangerous act," the first guard said.

"Oh, sure, why don't we get a translator spell and ask the humans," the second guard said, "That would work, except for the fact they don't know anything. Look at him. I heard he even attacked Celestia, to protect Cadence." They chuckled again, finished their break, and headed out.

"His eyes are open," the guard said, "You suppose he was listening?"

"Sure, and formulating a master plan to help us catch the people who had him in the pit all those years," the second guard said.

"I just wish if they insist on using his room as their conference room, they should keep their voices down. He is supposed to be resting after all," Cadence said to Armor as they walked down the hallway of the veterinary hospital.

"Some doctors think that hearing a friendly voice is good for humans. And you have to admit, most of the guards like him," Armor replied.

"Some of the mares like him too much, I caught one of the nurses holding up his sheet and staring at him," Cadence said, "And not at his feet or face."

"Well, that is your fault," Armor said.

"My fault?"

"Yes," Armor went on, "You said that you and I were very happy with Percy. The implication is -"

"But we never," Cadence replied.

"They don't know that," Armor said.

Cadence facehoofed. "They really think that I got Percy because . . . "

"I wasn't big enough, yes," Armor said, "Or, well, other things. It is amazing what you pick up when people don't think you're listening."

"I think I'm going to be sick," Cadence said.

"Wrong hospital," Armor said as they entered. The banter vanished as they saw the disheveled bed and the utter lack of Percy. "Guard, has anyone come in here since you last checked the room."

"No, sir," the guard said, and looked around the room.

Armor was checking the windows. Percy occasionally opened them.

"Quiet, everyone," Cadence ordered, and stood, eyes closed, her ears swiveling this way and that. Until they focused on the closet. She carefully opened the closet, while Armor prepared to charge whatever came out.

Inside, a blanket draped over him, curled up in a ball was, "Percy?" Cadence stepped carefully inside and nosed the huddled figure. "Are you all right?"

She squeaked as Percy nearly exploded out of the closet. He nearly bowled her over, nearly knocked over Shining, and grabbed a mess of papers from under the pillows. He put them in front of Armor, ran back in the closet and slammed the door.

Cadence and Armor exchanged confused glances. Armor lifted the papers off the floor and set them on the bed to examine them. Cadence listened to the mewling sounds coming from the closet. Outside, the guard has summoned the sergeant of the guard.

Armor gasped as he read over the papers. "Go on, he needs you, this, this is incredible," Armor said in awe of the data before him.

Cadence carefully opened the door and looked at poor Percy huddled under his blanket, rocking back and forth and making little whining noises. She carefully hugged Percy. "It's all right. You're safe. Armor is here and I'm here, you're safe. It's all right."

After several minutes, Armor approached with the paper in his horn magic. "Who gave this to you?" he asked, and waved the papers when Percy looked at them, "Who?"

Percy looked at the papers and tried to cower behind Cadence. She hugged him. "Shining, whatever it was, terrified him. So gently. Gently," she said as she combed a hoof through his hair.

Armor put the papers aside and sat down to hug both of them. "Yeah, I seem to remember having the situation reversed a few weeks ago. When I thought they actually had tossed those kids over the side." He nuzzled Percy. "I also remember who collected me and made sure I didn't wander off and hurt myself."

Cadence smiled at him.

After a bit, Percy slipped out of their grip and stood on the bed. He still had the blanket over his head, but the extended arm made him look a little like the Headless Horse beckoning. He jumped to the floor at the end of the bed and mimed out unicorn writing: their horn magic moving the pencil to write on the paper. He nearly shoved one piece of paper in Armor's face, before he dove back into the closet and shut it behind him.

Cadence looked at the image. "Is that supposed to be you?" she commented on the drawing, "I can't tell if it's a very good caricature, or a really awful surrealist." She giggled, then signed. "I'd better calm Percy down before he claws through the closet floor and escapes."

He was on the floor when she looked inside. Cadence laid down in the closet and draped a wing over him. "I think somepony went overboard with making the experience 'memorable', so he'd remember to show us that. They didn't have to make it so traumatic."

"You missed that somepony also has a sense of humor," Armor said, "It's signed 'the Grey Ghost'. Now if that height was accurate, or even a small exaggeration, there's only one pony that tall. His foreleg wasn't a foreleg, it was a horn."

Cadence stared at him, while trying to understand the implications. She beckoned Armor closer, then whispered, "What would she be doing passing information this way? She has - other avenues."

Armor reached over and idly stroked Percy's hair as he considered the answer. He scanned the pages impassively. "The list of officials helping the rings, if this is accurate, guarantees anything she says will be leaked."

Cadence gave Armor a searching glance.

He relented. "Or someone decided to masquerade as her. Remember, our friend here got his ass kicked by her. He probably thinks he's only alive because you put a stop to the fight. And a human is the source of this, that cuts the trail to whoever did this right there. The only reason I know this is all legitimate is because I've been on the investigation."

Cadence nuzzled the shivering human. "I can't understand this. I hate it. Workers and even fanciers I can understand. What is the attraction of these games?" She nosed the human. "Look at him, if he could talk I'd be out of business as a foal sitter. It makes no sense."

Armor hung his head. "Sometimes I hate you exposing yourself to this stuff. My work. Of course if you paid attention to the Hearths Warming Eve's pageants, you'd know ponies aren't the nicest creatures." Armor sighed as he laid down, resting his head on Cadence's forelegs. "The three tribes drew the Windingos." He glanced up at Cadence. "Funny, but doing that: what we did to each other, doing it to the humans, and no Windingos. Some ponies are no different from the ones in the pageant, they'd gnaw on whomever they can. Since they can't gnaw on ponies, they find something else, someone else. If there were no humans, they'd still be bullies and snobs, insulting everyone and everything 'beneath' them. Some ponies just need an excuse to be bad, because that's all they are. Most of the rest of us are horrified. But if we killed them all, it wouldn't make this a paradise, it would just make us like them."

Armor scrubbed his eyes. "Sorry to sound so depressing," he said, "This whole thing really needs a special group detailed to it. Not an ad hoc section of guards."

"Maybe we can make a difference," Cadence told him. She started as both Percy and Armor hugged her. She laughed and nuzzled both of them. "Okay, okay I'm through being gloomy." She hugged them both until Mile Stone walked in. She grinned at him as she held 'her boys' close. He smirked back at her.

He's not so old he doesn't enjoy cuddling with his wife, Cadence thought, 'Old mares' network'.

The sergeant waited a decent interval before clearing his throat. Armor scrambled to his hooves, more embarrassed than anything else. He looked at Cadence, who returned the open-eyed gaze of the ingenue. He rolled his eyes and turned back to the papers.

Cadence stifled a giggle.

While Armor did blush a bit, he still managed to show the extensive notes to Mile Stone.

Mile Stone silently went through the papers, then checked them again to be certain. "How did you get all this?"

"Oh, Percy wrote it all down and gave it to us," Armor told him, and frowned.

Mile Stone looked back in mute frustration. Armor matched his look. Then Percy and Cadence began laughing at both of them. Soon the two soldiers relaxed and began laughing about it themselves.

"Lad, I don't care, but if it pans out," Mile Stone said, "Somepony gave us their heads on a platter."

Celestia watched Philomena land on her perch and accept the nuzzle from her 'owner'. Although if I ever used that word, in anything but jest, I suspect she would have a fittingly destructive response, she thought, Partner in crime might fit better.

"So, were you immortalized again, my favorite red bean?" Celestia asked and chuckled at Philomena's outraged squawk.

"So, he's drawing pictures, badly, but he's still trying. Luna is going to accuse me of doing exactly what she wanted to do. Eugenics for intelligence, instead of docility. Turning them back into what they were a thousand years ago," Celestia mused aloud, "But is he an atavist? Or some random mutation?"

She glanced at Philomena, who was also deep in thought. As one of the few beings still alive who remembered the humans of a thousand years ago, she was also aware of who the ponies had been a thousand years ago, and who the humans had been.

"Please continue keeping an eye on him. If someone besides me starts putting together the clues, we may have an 'unfortunate accident' on our hands. Before we can determine if we can breed brains back into the human species."

Philomena made a questioning noise that Celestia interpreted as 'is that a good idea?'

She smiled. "He seems to have developed enough intelligence and self-control to be both exactly the type of human my ponies desire, and be the type of human Luna and I always wanted." She noted the bird's expression hadn't changed. "No, I'm not sure, but I think we need to let this play out. A chance like this may not come again in a thousand years. We have to seize it while he's still young and fertile. After we determine it's safe."

Satisfied, Philomena flew off to keep the newest member of the extended family under observation.

I just have to figure out how far he is in control of his instincts, Celestia thought, Wait, he nearly beat me in a fight. I'm sure the guard would want their princess to at least feel she was more capable of defending herself. She smiled as she began directing work of gardeners, guard commanders and tailors.

Cadence grinned at the costume she wore as Parasol collected her mane into a pony tail.

"Are you sure it's safe?" Parasol asked, "It, him I mean." She looked around nervously before whispering, "He attacked Celestia."

"I think I can keep her safe," Cadence whispered back. She giggled at Parasol's eye-roll.

A few moments later she was walking beside Percy in his new kilt and shirt. "I'm glad you could dress yourself, I think Parasol is scared of you. It's this all so exciting. I don't think Auntie has done anything like this in years. Shining wasn't happy about it, but we explained it all to him. He agreed after insisting that Mile Stone and the guards attend. But most of the guards will be keeping ponies from watching, so Auntie can really let go. But, I don't think anyone will try to interfere. After all, we're all going to be such good friends. I know you don't understand, but I do appreciate you defending us." Cadence laughed. "Even if it was against auntie Celestia. She had a weird expression when I saw you two fighting, come to think of it. I wonder what she was thinking. It is mean, I saw the bruises and I saw her grinning, so that doesn't really add up. I apologize for talking so much but I'm excited. Aren't you excited? Of course you aren't, jumping out a window doesn't get you excited. Maybe that's the real problem with pit fighters. Nothing gets them excited and they want that excitement. Say, I bet I know one thing that would get you excited. It just have to figure out how to get you two together. But let's concentrate on the surprise Auntie has set up. I think you'll enjoy it and I know we'll all have a lot of fun using it. Oh, we're here."

Cadence would have sworn Percy sighed in relief. She'd heard that tone of sigh from Armor often enough. She was going to call out to Celestia, when Percy suddenly darted behind her. "Percy, what are you doing?" she asked as she turned, and Percy crouched down behind her, keeping as much of Cadence between himself and Celestia as he could. She turned and he ducked and twisted to stay out of Celestia's sight.

"Percy!" she said, as she tried to turn to face him, "What are you playing at?"

She sighed. Of course he's afraid of her, she admitted to herself.

"Percy," she said, positioned herself so she could look at him and block his view of Celestia. She stroked him with her wing and told him, "It's all right, you're safe. Nothing's going to happen."

It took her a few minutes to calm him down enough to let her lead him to the pit without him trying to strangle himself on his leash trying to get away. Fortunately, Celestia had stopped being amused by his behavior and her expression had grown into one of worry. Also fortunate, she hadn't approached, and Cadence was able to lead the very downcast and skittish Percy to the pit.

"Is he all right lass?" Mile Stone asked as he looked over Percy.

"He's never acted like this before," Cadence said, "I don't know what's gotten into him."

He yanked the leash out of her hand and marched straight towards Celestia. Cadence gasped as a dozen crossbows took aim.

"Please," Cadence said as her guards closed in around her.

Celestia pawed the ground but glanced at the guards. They relaxed ever so slightly. She looked at Cadence who had her hooves over her mouth to stifle a scream. Cadence nodded, and Celestia took on a more relaxed pose.

Percy knelt just within Celestia's reach, and threw his head back to expose his throat to her. Then he waited, not moving. Celestia looked at her, and Cadence shrugged. She looked at the equally stunned guards.

"I don't know what he's doing," Cadence said.

"How do I tell him it's over?" Celestia asked Cadence, then glanced around at the others to solicit their input.

The few suggestions from most of the guards were of little or no help. Celestia pranced nervously at the display.

"Percy get up," Cadence told him, "Come here."

"You aren't in trouble," Celestia said.

"Highnesses, just hit him," Mile Stone said. Both Princesses glared at him. "It's the quickest way. He's expecting you to strike a blow for his attacking you. I suggest you do so." He shrugged and looked at them.

"But he's done nothing wrong," Celestia said, "He attacked an intruder."

"He attacked a family friend," Mile Stone said, "And he expects to be disciplined for it."

"It's wrong," Celestia said.

"It's what he knows," Mile Stone explained as if to a new officer, "It's what other ponies have trained him to expect."

Cadence felt ill at that statement. Celestia looked just as disturbed.

"That's horrible/barbaric," they said.

Mile Stone only shrugged. "It is what is. Speaks more of us, than him."

Celestia approached, then shied away. She approached again, grimaced and shied back. She paused, steeled herself and approached carefully. She tapped him on the throat with her horn. The disgust she felt was clear on her face.

Percy stood up and rubbed his throat, he looked at her with confusion. It was all Cadence could do not to run over to him and hug him. "It's okay," she told him so softly she doubted he heard her. She nodded towards Celestia and made a shooed gesture with a hoof. She smiled nervously as he turned to face Celestia who looked ashamed at her actions and for frightening this human.

Shame became fear and discomfort as Percy grabbed Celestia's throat.

"Stand fast," Mile Stone ordered the soldiers.

Cadence looked at him in shock. He'd seen something they hadn't, so he gestured towards Percy running his hands down Celestia's throat, and her Highness squirming at the touch.

He's tickling her, Cadence realized and nearly laughed, He definitely isn't trying to hurt her, but he is tickling her.

"Sergeant, stand down yourself," Lieutenant Magpie shouted, "You come away from there."

Percy smacked Celestia's chest. Her amusement faded as she shied back. Then Percy gestured at Celestia's side. Or is it her wing? Cadence wondered trying to puzzle out what the old soldier had seen that still evaded the rest of their eyes.

"Laying hands on the sovereign is a flogging offence," Magpie said.

Yes, 300 years ago, Cadence thought as she watched Percy look around, then fix on Magpie.

"Control your human," Magpie shouted and shied back as Percy advanced straight towards her.

Then Percy stopped and adopted an expression and gestures of exactly what Cadence had used earlier to entice Percy into the pit.

Celestia snorted her amusement as Percy tried to coax the officer forward.

"Mad human!" Magpie squealed and put a number of soldiers between her and the human.

Mile Stone looked at the officer, then at Percy. "I think he has a plan," the old sergeant said, "Lad, I'm coming in." He glanced over at Magpie, and then walked over to Percy.

The human managed to spit the few feet to reach Magpie's hooves.

Quite a shot, considering all the other legs in the way, Cadence thought as the horrified officer scrapped her hooves on the ground to wipe off the spittle. I'm glad we didn't do the poo flinging, he'd probably hit with every shot. And I could never keep a straight face again.

As Percy approached the officer, his expression changed to one of irritation. "I don't think this is such a good idea," Cadence said, "Watch yourself, sergeant."

"It's all right," Celestia told her, "If he hadn't been trying to carve and keep open your escape route. I would have been in trouble," Celestia snickered. "Besides, weren't you worried he wasn't getting enough exercise?"

The sergeant seemed to be studying Percy as the human looking him over, as a pony might look over a human for purchase. "Let's see what this is about," Mile Stone said, and grinned at the intentness of the human.

Percy caught Celestia's, Mile Stone's and her eye. When each nodded, he very carefully touched the orbital bone around the eye with one hand, and with the other hand he made a clawing motion well away from the sergeant's actual eye. Then Percy ran his hands down the sergeant's throat.

The sergeant chuckled, actually chuckled. "Go on lad," he said, encouraging Percy. The human slapped the sergeant's chest. The sergeant chuckled again.

Percy then looked at all of them, their incomprehension and threw up his hands in frustration. He punched the sergeant in the armored side. Cadence gasped, but the sergeant actually started laughing. As Cadence galloped over to check on Percy's hand, the sergeant collapsed with laughter.

He manages to control himself well enough to stand although the occasional smile bubbled up. "Sincerest apologies, Highnesses" Mile Stone said, still at war with his smile, "Won't happen again. Bit of a revelation. Ticklish as it were."

Celestia looked as confused as Cadence felt. "Sergeant, please do share."

Mile Stone turned Percy to face Cadence and Celestia and then pointed. "Weak points, eyes, throat, and major organs." He took a moment to stifle an incipient giggle and then continued, "On a human, they're all much smaller targets than on a pony."

Cadence looked askance at him. "The body certainly isn't."

"Thinner thickness, and if I remember my anatomy right, a spear will get only one or at most two organs." Mile Stone cleared his throat to hide another giggle.

Cadence was nearly laughing herself at the old sergeant acting like a foal with a new favorite toy.

Even Celestia was grinning at the sergeant's effervescent enthusiasm with this new idea only he and Percy seemed to understand. "Not a conversation for foalish laughter, or is it?"

"It is." Mile Stone tousled Percy's hair and the human seemed on the verge of grinning himself, if it were possible. "Highnesses, the lad's fought over a dozen ponies, and killed at least two."

"He never killed in the ring," Cadence gasped.

"Trainers too free with the whip," Mile Stone explained, "One he killed with a single blow. None of the ponies who faced him in 'official' matches got more than a few broken bones. Don't underestimate him. You've picked up quite a guard, as we all know."

"Reassuring," Cadence said.

Mile Stone grinned again. "He could almost be a pony in how smart about fighting he is. Wouldn't trust him to buy me a tea and get correct change, but in a fight, I wouldn't face him with full battle armor and a spear," he said, his enthusiasm not rubbing off on the two princesses. "Sorry, still a bit giddy. Yes, Highness, 'share'. Here's two mares he cares about, he's trying to teach exactly how to avoid all the weaknesses of ponies. The eyes, the throat, and a spear in the chest penetrates all the way through the barrel." He started laughing again. "For a thousand years we've been doing it bloody wrong, and some human points it out in two minutes!"

Mile Stone began laughing fit to die. Cadence grinned at the grim, old snarker laughing like a happy colt. After a bit, even Celestia smiled. Then she yelped and jumped away after Percy poked her in the side.

Cadence nearly burst out laughing at Celestia's scandalized expression at Percy. But he was having none of it. He got down on all fours and mimed a sideways kick.

"Bad Percy, don't do that." Celestia danced away from that probing figure. "I ORDER YOU."

"Now Percy, Auntie Celestia is old and creaky." She nudged Percy off away from Celestia. She let an occasional giggle bubble up. "Maybe she can't do that move. Let's practice together and Auntie can get some of that smelly, old-ponies', heating rub."

She grinned as Celestia considered disowning, exile and execution. They continued to practice for a while.

Cadence hid her giggles at the longing looks that Celestia was giving them having fun. Time to hatch a little plan. It's obvious what auntie wants, but part of life is letting them work for it, Cadence thought.

"Maybe we should do this again tomorrow," Celestia suggested.

"Maybe some private sessions with some-one not afraid of you," she whispered in Celestia's ear, making the Ruler of the Sun turn a delicate shade of pink as she stared at Percy.

"Just a thought," Cadence said as she led Percy away, and noted Celestia staring at Percy like a starving mare at a plate of her favorite food.

Cadence was still formulating her plans as she arrived back at her apartment. I swear Percy is looking worried at me, she thought, Maybe he's just reacting to my chuckles. After all, it's not often you have the absolute perfect prank to play on 'the master prankster of Canterlot'. He's not afraid of her, and he's very definitely male. And he's only been interested in females he's faced in combat. And that fight between them certainly counts. And since stealing another pony's human and rutting with it is such a status game here, I have to have Percy all ready when she moves. She stifled a laugh that she knew would send Percy running all the way to Dodge Junction if he heard it.

Two of her new guards were already in the apartment, and they chatted about this and that, eventually winding up on a 'present' for an older mare. "He likes making ponies happy. This will let him make mares really happy."

Parasol overheard, as intended and finally begins sticking up for herself. "You are all wrong," the little hoofmaiden shouted and stamped her hooves, "Percy would barely know what he was doing, and he could get in a lot of trouble if his attention was unwanted. They castrate 'uppity' males. If you want to teach him something, why don't you teach him how to give a good massage." Parasol actually challenged Cadence, "That way you and Shining aren't going to wonder about what he's doing."

Cadence tried her hardest to look thoughtful rather than grinning ear to ear at the challenge from the little mare others were already calling 'Dust Mouse'.

"Very well, Parasol," Cadence told her, bowing her head and looking chagrined, "Aren't you an expert? It is one of the reasons I hired you."

Parasol suddenly found out that challenging, and backing it up are two separate things. Percy laid a hand on the little hoofmaiden's head as if to support her and Parasol steeled herself for the challenge.

Celestia entered before it could go further.

And everyone is hoping I'll drop it and they can go on, Cadence thought, Not happening. I've learned that much from Armor. Wait, then hit them again.

"Oh, hello my little ponies," Celestia said as she entered, "Cadence, I need a favor from you."

"Oh course," Cadence asked and let out the grin that would have injured her to hold in any longer, "An auntie, or a highness favor?"

Oh this would be perfect, look at them looking at each other, Cadence thought, and struggled not to show she was noticing all the little glances and wing rustles. He's not a pretty-boy service class, or one of those grotesques some use as guards, he's a predator, but gentled and in control, like Armor. And ponies wonder why Armor caught my attention rather than Blueblood or others. And Percy is even more, enough to make even Her Highness notice. Oh this is going to be PERFECT!

Celestia centered herself and replied, "A little of both. I have a meeting, and their foal sitter canceled." Celestia paused and stared at Percy. "And bring Percy. Another set of eyes and a good climber might come in handy."

Cadence kept grinning, and felt plans falling into place. This is going to be PERFECT! she thought and wanted to dance around, but kept herself in check.

"I have wings," Cadence replied, "I'll also bring some rope."

She smiled inwardly as Celestia looked at the ingenue she'd helped raise and took on a calculating look.

She knows something's coming, but not what and not from where, Cadence thought, Perfect.

Cadence kept her cool and her happy, eager foalsitter expression as they headed to the Harmony home. After Twilight, Octavia had been her most difficult challenge. That her parents still considered she needed a 'foalsitter' as old as she was a testament to the girl's passionate and unstable nature.

And speaking of 'passionate natures', Cadence thought as she noted how close to Percy Celestia kept sidling, only to catch herself and move off. I don't need my power or a 'Want it Need it' spell to see where this is going. A dark thought occluded Cadence's sunny nature. When was the last time somepony touched her? Twilight got too 'grown up' for cuddles, Cadence thought, It can't have been . . . years, can it?

Mare Harmony opened the door and stared at all of them. She even just accepts Percy.

Octavia must be in a rare mood for her to just accept a human in her home this way, Cadence thought as she was vaguely directed upstairs.

"That girl," Mare said, before leading Celestia to tea.

Rare mood, Cadence thought and headed up the stairs, with Percy right behind. His presence gave her a calm confidence. Like he's going to drag me out of there if things get too bad.

"Can you sing and dance? We wouldn't have to do it this way," she admitted to Percy as they entered Octavia's room. Cadence proceeded towards Octavia's usual sulking spot.

The young mare was curled up on top of a bookcase.

"What is it about the tops of bookcases that all my problems wind up here?" Cadence asked, "Twilight, Octavia, and my new human Percy. Tops of bookcases. Makes me glad I can fly."

Octavia looked up, and stared down at Percy. Cadence smiled, then when Octavia's expression changed she looked and panicked as he approached Octavia's cello. "Percy, don't touch that."

"Let him smash it!" Octavia shouted, "Break it into pieces! I never want to see it again." She buried her face in her hooves and began weeping.

At least the dam is broken, Cadence thought and wondered about another self-tortured genius as she held the sobbing mare in her hooves.

She glanced down and saw Percy had picked up the cello, and by some wonder was holding it correctly. "Percy," she said.

Having him make the 'cat caught by rocking chair' sound I always managed will not help things.

"Percy!" she called.

The music hit them. Octavia straightened up and just stared. For Cadence, it was far worse. She settled to the ground as her memories charged up to take her from all sides. Saying good bye to Armor as he took a frontier post, watching the tearful filly wave good bye as her foalsitter left on a diplomatic mission months or years in length, a beloved old stallion passing beyond the veil, all the sad goodbyes in her life rose up and overwhelmed her.

Only Octavia's encircling forelegs and the beauty of the music kept her from sliding away into despair. Cadence was dimly aware of the arrival of Mare Harmony and Celestia herself. Neither older mare could do much in the face of that beautiful but bittersweet, melancholy song but stand and reminisce.

Celestia stood there, eyes closed and tears streaming down her cheeks. The ruler of Equestria seemed shaken to her core about something, repeating a word, silently, over and over again.

Percy finally released them. Octavia approached him worshipfully. He looked them over, and seemed as tired as his 'quarry' was. The guards all looked uncomfortable, their usual stoicism in tatters. Celestia looked like she wanted to curl up on the floor and weep for a year.

And I don't feel much better, Cadence admitted, What has he seen that would let him create such a song? How did anyone create such beauty, that hurts so much?

Percy looked at them, his usual placid expression overlaid with weariness as if he poured his own life's blood and soul into the music. The gaze rested on each of them, weighing their soul, each and everyone, and finding them all desperately wanting. Even Celestia turned away ashamed.

This was a rebuke, Cadence thought, It doesn't make any sense that he could deliver one, but that's all that makes sense. Unless that's the only song he knows, but even he's effected. He pulled that out and used it on us. She sniffled. Even on Octavia, she thought as Percy set the cello on its back on the floor and Octavia sat opposite him, But she's seen confirmation of what we've all told her, that she has the power to affect ponies with her music, if she gives it a chance.

They watched in silence as he helped Octavia grip the bow with her pasterns instead of her hooves. She tries to play the piece on the music stand, and Percy stops her. He taps the music rapidly, and points to the top of the bookshelf. He taps the music slowly. Cadence saw comprehension dawn on Octavia's face and the mare grinned.

The piece she played was beautiful, not as haunting as what Percy had played, but still pleasant to listen to.

It also seems to be pretty difficult to play, Cadence thought as they all watched Octavia struggle with the piece she'd written, Who teaches a human to play an instrument, then sells them to the pit fighting leagues? It makes no sense. Many ponies can't play an instrument. Why go to the trouble of teaching a human, and then not use that talent? It would be like ignoring your cutie mark. Cadence put those and other disturbing thoughts aside and watched Octavia struggle with the piece she'd written. Something that all too often ended in a tantrum, but she was doing it now.

Cadence looked over at Mare, and Celestia. Octavia's mother seemed bemused and kept throwing sly glances at Celestia. Cadence's aunt was in a world all her own. Deep in pain, and deep in thought, or both. Mare thinks this is one of Celestia's pranks, but 'Her Solar Highness' can barely carry a tune, let alone play an instrument. What is Celestia thinking? What is she feeling? Cadence wondered, Whatever Percy played, it dredged up something terrible inside her, and she's dealing with it. I wish I could help. She looked at Percy. I can, I just won't be able to control it once I let the djinni out of the bottle.

3) Bird in the Hand and I'll Wring Its Neck

I Am Not Spartacus
by Dan's Comments
Based in the 'Your Human and You' universe by MadMaxtheBlack
This story is NOT canon with Your Human and You

DISCLAIMER: My Little Pony is the property of Hasbro, Inc.

If I'd sprouted a trio of new heads all breathing fire, I doubt I would have the guards, Pink or the Great White as frightened as they seem to be. We are headed back to the palace, but the two princesses keep looking at me worriedly.

"You will speak to no one about this," the Great White tells the guards, and Pink, "Not to each other, not to Cadence, and not even to me."

The guards have no problem, but Pink is near the point of open revolt. "Your Majesty," she grinds out, "Whether we talk about it or not. It happened."

"All right," the Great White says, the admission painful to her, "The gag order holds. There are creatures who can take the form of somepony you love, and they feed off your love for them. They are called Changelings. They exist, although we haven't seen them in centuries. They were quite a problem in the early days of the kingdom, until we developed a spell to strip off their disguise. Percy could be a failed attempt at improving their technique. Send something loveable into the pony lands to collect their food."

While the guards grab hold of this lifeline after their world has been turned upside down and shaken like an etchasketch, Pink's expression is one of not incredulity but offense at having her intelligence and credulity so blatantly insulted. After a moment, she regains her composure and just nods. We walk in silence for a while.

"I guess we'll have to take him to the Institute, to get him tested for any hidden surprises," Pink says. Her fury covered by very good seeming of her usual cheerfulness.

The Great White shies at the idea, and the hidden tone. "Why?"

I'm past worrying about that. I wonder if that incident with the cello was actually a suicide attempt. After the revelation about the Lord - about Captain Armor, if I can go on. After what he did, I should be angry enough to kill him. But, I actually like him, and Pink. I have no desire to harm either of them. Forgiveness is letting go of a wrong. Both have offered recompense in word and deed. Both seem decent enough to be sorry, if not horrified by what their fellow ponies have had a hand in. I guess I've forgiven them.

They've offered me a new life, and I desperately want it. So this is what being 'born again' means. A new person, but you have to die first.

The Great White seems deeply troubled, but she and her guards head off while Pink leads me in another direction. She keeps glancing over her shoulder. At some point when she is satisfied, she drags me into an alley.

"Percy," Pink says. She takes a deep breath. "I'm sorry for what happened. If I had anything to with it, please accept that I didn't mean it. I didn't know. And I know Shining didn't. Humans have always been, there. It's wrong . . . I sound like a patronizing fool. I apologize. I don't know if there's anything I can do to make things better, but I want to try."

I don't know either. Most of the humans are pretty close to the stereotypes that the ponies have. But 'most' isn't all.

"Okay, after what happened, I have to take you to the Institute. They'll just run a few harmless tests, I think, my definition of what's 'harmless' for humans may change a bit in the future," Pink says, "I wish I could be sure about all of this."

You and me both kid, you and me both.

I feel sorry for poor Captain Armor, I really do. It's late, and being summoned to deal with a hysterical researcher either is very frustrating, or seems like his normal family life. Mirrors all around the office let everybody see everybody from myriad angles. I keep imagining ponies behind all those mirrors taking notes.

Pink has her forelegs and wings wrapped around me. She has her chin on my head and if her reflection is accurate, giving a 'death' glare to the head researcher. From how the science mare is haranguing Armor, or because of what she did to me, or both, I don't know. All I do know is it's adorable. I really need to give the lady some lessons in fierce.

"Ma'am," Armor begins.

"Doctor!" the mare insists.

Armor rolls his eyes. "What happened?" then Armor shows his teeth, "And wasting the Guard's time, torturing someone else's human, and lying about it are all serious offenses." He never raised his voice, just a change in style of delivery.

It is late, and he was probably worried about Pink, until they dragged him in here.

The doctor wilts slightly. "Well, the lady."

I elbow Pink.

"Princess Mi Amore Cadenza," Pink's voice sounds like a whipcrack. She rubs the top of my head when she feels me nod.

Doctor continues, "Princess Mi Amore Cadenza brought her human in for testing." The mare's self-control breaks, "That thing made a complete mockery of all our scientific testing!"

She makes it sound like I murdered someone.

"What did Ursine Persiflage do?" he asks, his tone all ice and business.

Doctor stares at him in disbelief. "The first test is always the maze. A painted floor, the 'boundaries' painted on the floor give mild electric shocks. The human is tested on how quickly they can get to the carton of fruit at the end of the maze."

"And?" Poor Armor is getting, or at least sounding, extremely bored.

"It just walked across the shock walls without pausing and went straight to the food!" Doctor shrieks, on completely losing it.

"Doctor," Armor says. Using the tone I would use to a kindergartner. "He fought in the pits for five years. Do you really believe a little electric shock is going to slow him down? He's had ponies stick spears in him. I'm only surprised he didn't just hop from safe section to safe section."

Doctor is horrified by the possibility. I'm rather horrified I didn't think of that, but if they'd given me another run through I would have done something like that.

"We had to reset the maze with clear force walls," Doctor says, "With the same set up. And after he tested the walls, and found the opening out into the maze, he curled up in the middle of the starting room and went to sleep!"

"The crate of fruit reward, he ate the entire first one, right?" Armor asks.

"Yes. One of our orderlies went out to take it. He clouted them on the horn with a rotten apple, then a dented orange, and, well, let's not talk about the banana," Doctor had started strong, and seemed to be fading as the story went along. "How did you know?"

Poor Armor keeps a stoic expression, but his occasional glances at me and my Pink coat are making that rather difficult.

"I'm in the Guard, ma - Doctor, I've met recruits just like that," he replies.

Pink nearly crushes me as she tries to stifle her laughter.

"Next," Armor says, all business, on the outside.

Muttonchops arrives. "Captain, the fire's out. No one hurt fighting it. Those injured before are getting medical help."

"Thank you Sergeant Milestone," Armor says, "Sergeant, please stay."

'I desperately need someone to not laugh,' I think he wants to say. Muttonchops takes one look at Pink and me, raises an eyebrow, and stands beside the Captain.

"Well, what happened next after he went to sleep?" Armor asks.

"At the, at Princess Mi Amore Cadenza's urging, we moved him to the general study room, since our results were inconclusive," Doctor says.

" 'Inconclusive'?" Pink says, "They were off the charts, even just using their system."

"The extrapolation is that he would have to have pony-level intelligence, when he's clearly a wild animal," Doctor replies.

"Sounds like my nephew," Muttonchops says, and receives a warning glance from Armor.

"Go on," Armor says.

"Well, rather than displace one of the other subjects from one of the test machines, he proceeded to the unoccupied one," Doctor says.

"He should give seminars to ponies," Armor says, "Why is that a problem?"

"It's our hardest one," Doctor explains, "It's left over from a high-difficulty, high-reward experiment we did. None of the others will play it."

It's computerized tic-tac-toe for Christ's sake!

"Well he beat it," Doctor says.

"Several times," Pink adds.

"Yes."

"In a row," Pink adds, pride in her human shining through.

"Well," Doctor whispers, "Yes."

"These are games, sir," Muttonchops explains, "The task is completed, and a token to 'purchase' food is dispensed. Usually, the winner purchases, but there are females." Muttonchops glances at Pink, then amends his delivery, "Who do not play, but make themselves, ahem, available to those who do. They even have a ranking on how many tokens each female demands."

That does it for Pink. She starts laughing and her hug becomes a desperate grip to remain upright as she realizes what the Muttonchops is trying to say.

Armor looks at Doctor. "Pandering is also a serious offense, do you encourage such behavior?"

"They're only humans," Doctor whimpers.

"Well, sir, some of the lab techs . . . shutting up, sir," Muttonchops says.

Armor's been such a good boy, until now. "Doctor," he says, all steel and thunder, "This must not get out!"

Doctor nods worriedly.

"If the humans learn that they could be paid for their sexual encounters, it would deplete the currency reserves of the entire nation." He glares at Doctor. "Celestia must be told."

"I doubt it, sir," Muttonchops says, "After all they'd have to be trained here first, to understand it." I see his reflection wink at Doctor. "I think it best to gather the data and sweep it under the rug. That fire, it might have damaged any records on studying that phenomenon. We should complete our business here with the good doctor, and be on our way." He salutes. "Sah."

Armor returns it.

"Well, it," Doctor says.

"Percy," Muttonchops says.

"Yes, Percy," Doctor says, "He would beat the machine, and rather than get food, would throw the tokens over his shoulder and keep playing."

"Still sounds like my nephew," Muttonchops says.

I think I want to meet his nephew.

"Then he started losing, over and over," Doctor says, "After his early success, it makes no sense."

I just wanted to see how the machine handled having two ways to win.

Armor covers his eyes with a forehoof. "Why is that a problem?" Armor asks.

And I did it too.

"He detonated the machine!" Doctor screeches.

The only winning move is not to play.

"Sound exactly like my nephew," Muttonchops says.

"Technically, it was a deflagration, not a detonation," Armor says.

I never want to meet his brainy, kid sister, if he knows that bit of trivia by heart.

Armor smiles. "I don't think there's any reason to write a citation against the lab for unsafe practices. I'm sure you had all this equipment tested before it went into use."

I bet they didn't. But there'll be an inspector popping by more often.

"I also think that we can say that Percy's problem solving makes his intelligence 'unique'," Armor says, "So, we'll be taking him home."

"But he destroyed thousands, millions of bits of equipment, and the building, disrupted I don't know how many terribly important experiments," Doctor says.

"I think the substandard safety features on your equipment did that," Armor says, "Should my report to her Highness record that, I think Percy would get a medal for seeing no one was hurt. As I understand it, he was the one who dragged the injured to safety, while someone else was panicking."

Doctor has the decency to look ashamed.

"Thank you for your time, doctor. I'm certain you'll be contacted in tomorrow or the next day at the latest," Armor says.

Pink uncurls from me, and we stand. Poor Armor looks mad enough to chew his way to the center of the, whatever this planet is called. Muttonchops is the very model of a British Army Sergeant Major: keeping the squadron/regiment/army nice and sharp and shiny, all ready for use.

"Whatever possessed you to take him in there?" Armor asks.

"I think a better question is where can you get a cello on short notice?" Muttonchops asks.

Pink freezes, and I'm not far behind.

"Whatever would I need a cello for?" Armor asks, "I'm sure I can beat myself unconscious with a frying pan just as easily."

"Little bird told me," Muttonchops says.

"Little bird with big, white wings?" Pink asks, both Muttonchops and Armor turn towards her at her nervous tone.

"Red wings, burned through the sports section of the paper. Why not the classifieds? I never read those." Muttonchops says, and snorts in disgust.

That red bird who visited me? What's that critter doing? And it can write?

"I'll buy you a new paper, if I can have the old one," Armor says, "Although I doubt anyplace is open at this time of night."

Burned in the back of the paper is approximately 'Percy cello quick.' Armor folds that over so it's hidden, and pages through the classifieds. "Here's why," Armor says, then looks at me, "I don't know why Philomena has taken an interest in you, but for what it's worth, someone not four blocks from the palace is selling a genuine Saddlevarius." He looks at Pink giving him puppy eyes. Weaponizing adorableness.

"Don't look at me, lad," Muttonchops says, "My wife's three times her age and she can still do that to me."

"Percy, you're still on my side aren't you?" Armor asks.

On tone alone, I pat him on the head.

"Okay, once more unto the breach," Armor says and the group trots toward our goal.

OH COME ON!

The Great White is sitting there. Wearing a walrus moustache, a derby, and a velvet smoking jacket. And Pink, Armor and Muttonchops are buying it!

"Been in the family for absolutely ages," the Great White said, in a deep but phony baritone, "But we have to part with it."

You have got to be kidding me! I try my level best not to stare. But watching three otherwise intelligent ponies fall for this utterly ridiculous and completely ineffectual deception. I feel like John Adams in 1776, 'Good God!', 'Does anybody see what I see?'

But, there's a time to complain, and there's a time to simply accept that the entire universe except you has gone utterly mad. It was that revelation that made me hate Catch 22. If the universe is mad, but internally consistent, then not adapting to those rules is not noble, or pitiful, it's just stupid.

"You must be wondering why the price is so low," the Great White says, and seems nervous that I seem to know it's her.

Maybe I'm supposed to scream in frustration, just to prove I can talk.

"Well, it's cursed," the Great White says. Although it comes out 'coursed'.

Of course no pony can play it without dying, whereupon Armor and Pink will smile knowingly at each other.

"No pony can play it, without going mad," the Great White says, almost as well as Vincent Price or Christopher Lee would have.

Even I feel my hackles rise at that pronouncement. The ponies all react.

Armor recovers first. "I assure you, none of us will play it."

"Then why d'you want to buy it?" the Great White asks and moves her derby forward on her head.

Why are you trying to queer the deal? Or is this for verisimilitude?

"It'll be part of a clockwork orchestra," Muttonchops says, while Pink and Armor are struggling. "Like those things you see in the opera house linked up with the big organs."

Someone else around here can shovel like a pro.

"Be a shame to let a fine instrument like that just be a museum piece," Muttonchops adds.

The Great White seems to consider deeply. Pink and Armor are all smiles, extremely nervous smiles. Only Muttonchops is calm, or he's a better actor than the Great White. Me, I want to lock myself in a room with a case of wine, a corkscrew, and do the honorable thing.

"Well, when you put it like that," the Great White says, and offers a hoof to shake on the deal.

A bank draft, and a masterful explanation of what a bank draft is from Pink to the one who probably wrote the law authorizing them in the first place. And we walk away with a cello.

"We were so lucky," Pink says, her enthusiasm making her pronk around like a springbuck.

Imagine, a pink pony bouncing up and down like a filly after a double espresso. That much enthusiasm should be annoying, but Pink manages to make it cute. I doubt any other pony could carry that off. Armor and Muttonchops certainly can't.

"Can you tell me what's all this in aid of?" Muttonchops asks. "Why would Celestia's pet even know a cello was for sale, and why would she stampede us into buying one?"

Pink stops and looks to the two stallions. She glances around the street that still has a fair amount of ponies in it, despite the late hour. "I can't tell you."

That tears it for the stallions.

"Cadence," Armor warns.

"Shining, Milestone, I can't tell you. Please, accept that," Pink pleads.

They are about to escalate when I give a sharp whistle. When all three look at me, I point nervously at the sky, and mime some great flying thing swooping down and carrying one of us off.

"Probably thinks there's a griffon with his name on it out there," Muttonchops says, "If he gets agitated, there could be trouble."

"All right," Armor says, "But I want, I deserve an explanation."

You'll get one, I promise. Malevolent laughter is definitely not an option.

"I can't tell you," Pink says. The rest of the walk takes place in silence.

Mentally I'm offering up bets whether the 'old family heirloom' has been tuned and has all the accessories. The other disturbing thought is why the Princess of The Realm is taking such an interest. And why the Captain of the Royal Guard isn't dragging me off at the very least to a secure cell, let alone to a friendly, neighborhood vivisector. It's got to be political, but why?

I was glad Muttonchops continued with us, he deserves an explanation as much as Armor.

Once the door closes, I relieve Armor of the cello case, and he confronts Pink. "Okay, it's just us. What is going on, Cadence?"

Poor Pink is nearly in tears. "I can't tell you. Please, Shining, don't keep asking."

"I can go," Muttonchops offers.

"No, please stay," Pink says, "If you were here or gone I couldn't say."

The damn red bird is on the ledge outside the patio, so be it.

"Can you at least give a hint?" Muttonchops, more experienced in the marital give and take offers.

"I think," Pink says quietly, but grinning.

The strains of My Country, 'Tis of Thee fill the room, although in Equestria, it should be God Save the Queen. It's only a couple of bars, but it silences both stallions.

"And now you can't tell anypony," Pink says.

Armor is just gawping at the impossibility.

"You remember Octavia, the gray, earth pony?" Pink offers.

"The one who'd write a piece of sheet music nopony could ever play, and then have a tantrum when she couldn't play it," Armor says, breaking out of his stupor, "I still have the bruises from the last time I met her."

"Well," Pink says, smiling at the memory, "I can't talk about the rest, but I think you can guess."

Armor is staring at Pink in amazement. "Melody should have been complete crazed that anyone could deal with her daughter." Then he laughs. "He probably taught her how to actually play, didn't he." Armor keeps laughing for a moment, until he realizes he's laughing alone. "You can't talk about it."

Pink nods.

Armor stares at me. "What the heck are you?"

Muttonchops snaps his hoof. How he does that I have no idea. "Kinestic, Ken-aesthetic, Kinansetic."

Pink face hoofs. "Kinesthetic memory!" she says, "Celestia's mercy. One of the handlers in the fighting pits probably wanted a quiet place to practice. And we've all seen how calm and quiet he could be. With the rest of the humans making noise to cover the cellist, Percy must have had hours to watch and learn."

Ah, flimsy justifications and grasping at straws, where would humanity be without you? Same place as the ponies. I don't know if I should laugh or cry. This is as bad as Baghdad Bob, 'We are sweeping the invader from our soil', American tank rolls by in the background.

Pink nearly collapses with relief. "At least we can well, mention this to Princess Celestia. She must be worried about this."

I don't think she's as worried as you think. I note that the red bird, Philomena I'm guessing, is gone. If she's returned to her mistress, then she knows what's happened. I wonder, if Pink is a 'Princess', is the Great White arranging for her to have a 'pet' that is a lot more intelligent, and sneaky that it/he/she seems? I certainly passed my initiation by fighting her as fearlessly as I did. Is the cello the reward, the 'here's a carrot for being such a good stick'? Or is it because a Princess needs something more? Okay, politics. I was a Theatre major, and minored in Physical Education. But I do know a lot of politics is just theatre. So who are you setting me up to play? Falstaff, or Horatio, all the while playing Guildenstern? Or am I to be Machiavelli from the Prince, or Machiavelli as he truly was?

The next few weeks are roughly the same. Morning practice with Pink, and the Great White. And a growing collection of guards who watch the entire procedure. Most of the guards who mention they could take me are invited down into the pit to face the creature who fought to hold off Celestia so Pink and Armor could escape. The Great White usually adds that 'if he doesn't know you're harmless, he'll jump out of a tower window, just so he can land on you.'

A few of the guards do enter the pit to demonstrate their skill with the technique, and endure the tickle torture if they fail. Alarmingly, the mares only outnumber the stallions two-to-one, and most of the ponies don't 'surrender' until well past the point where they'd know they should be beaten. I think if the revolution comes, the Lysistrata technique will work best.

Why this works, I have absolutely no idea, and it is incredibly creepy, that a species as different as ponies are to humans would be so fascinated by physical contact with one. Note: Physical Contact, none of the guards have gotten grabby in an inappropriate fashion. But the idea that roughhousing or a tickle fight with an alien would be such a desirable event is very strange.

After practice are lessons on massage and basic first aid with Parasol, usually working on Pink and one of the four guards who seem to be part of her more or less permanent detail, Left-Front, Right-Front, Left-Rear and Right-Rear. The discussions over tea and cakes is arguably the most salacious thing I have ever heard. Marines after six weeks in-country would have listened to the discussion and either fallen in love, or hightailed it back to the jungle.

Left-Front is the worst. Not because she has the filthiest mouth that's Left-Rear, but because I swear she knows I can understand Equestrian. Even though her advice is aimed at Cadence and Parasol, and it frequently sends both into embarrassed blushes, along with Right-Front. I think Right-Front has never been with a stallion or a human, or a mare for that matter. She's the one who gets the dreamiest expression when the other girls are talking, and she's the one who blushes the most when it's her turn for a massage. Even if Parasol is working the kinks out of her shoulders. At the same time, I think Left-Front is training me for something. While trying to seem like she's training Pink. But if she were just training Pink, why all the info on erogenous zones of pegasi? Sure Pink needs to know that, but she could find out herself on herself?

After being throughly embarrassed, there's lunch, then an hour with Octavia. The cellist had improved, once she'd admitted to herself that no person alive could actually play the music she wrote. At least as written. A piece meant to be played Vivace could only be really played Adagio, which turned a spritely dance into a stately dirge.

The kid was incredibly talented, but she only wrote the music she 'felt', which would have required a decent MIDI system to play it. Magic could have provided an answer, but there was no way to communicate the method of basically 'chipmunking' a performance to the right speed. It at least gave me a thought experiment to occupy most of my otherwise unoccupied time.

Night would come, and then the odd thing. The Great White personally cleaning out a large suite that nobody seemed to be using. Furniture moving in, decorators and painters were eschewed for her doing the job herself. At first I thought it was occupational therapy or a busman's holiday, then I began worrying it was an obsession. And no pony talked about it.

Armor was coming with us to the 'pit' as everyone called it. Pink and he are chatting excitedly. The Great White, seems haunted somehow.

"Your Highness, what are you going as for Nightmare Night?" Armor asks.

The Great White jerks as if she'd stepped on one of Doctor's electric floors. "Oh, I think I won't wear a costume. If it's all the same to you."

"Ah, are you going to be working with Twilight on her 'special project'?" Armor asks.

It's like she suddenly wakes and for an instant can't remember where she is. "Uh, no."

Neither Pink nor Armor says anything. Which is really worrying. Do they fear her reaction if they offer her some help, or is their culture such that 'juniors' can't offer their 'senior' unsolicited help? This is like the story of the Chinese courtiers who stood by while the Imperial heir drown, because it was forbidden to touch him. I feel like the Marines in the class I told that story to. They piped up and said the courtiers must have hated the emperor or the kid, they, the Marines, would have already worked out whose job it was to go in and save the kid, and then they'd take that Marine to the Emperor for punishment. If the emperor had any brains or balls, he'd have done something creative. Say 200 lashes were a death sentence, so the guy's fellow Marines were to lay on 400, as they thought best.

I feel that way now. The Great White clearly wanted me to have that cello. She's kept quiet about what she obviously suspects, and the one time she seems to need help. There's no one there for her. It's like me approaching the assassin a couple months ago. Once you accept you aren't going to live through something, you are willing to fly.

Maybe all those years in the pit-fighting circuit made me suicidal. Or maybe they just made me crazy.

When we arrive at the pit, I pair Armor up with Pink, and waggle my eyebrows at her. Her giggles are positively malevolent as she grins at the Captain of the Royal Guard. Armor looks at me as if I'd betrayed his life, his trust and his family.

The Great White watches the pair wistfully, ignoring me as I approach. Her first reaction is when I put my arms around her neck. Her little gasp is hidden among the gasps of the guards.

I tap her leg, and then my stomach, then put both arms around her neck again. I hear her little chuckle, then her leg touches my stomach. If she'd been wearing her usual hoof covers, she'd have gutted me, but without them, it's soft fur gently rubbed against my skin. She performs the 'exercise' until she feels a need to break the hug.

"Thank you," she says so quietly even I barely hear.

It hits me, that I suddenly recognize the Great White. She's like a kindergarten teacher I was dating, and affianced to, before I came here. Surrounded every day by smaller people who adored her for her beauty, intelligence, and sense of justice and fair play. But was also desperate for someone, anyone, who was an adult and was willing to share her interest in damn near everything, and who was willing to hold/be held and cuddle her as she wanted to with her charges.

I wonder if all these ponies, most if not all would gladly lay down their lives for the Great White would they play with her? Can I trick them into it?

I take pity on Armor, as Pink has beaten him in sparring using the new art. Not fair, but I'll let those two work it out. There's a block of chalk for marking. I walk over and rub it on my hand. Then I point to Muttonchops, Left-Front, Right-Rear, Left-Rear and Right-Front.

"Come on lasses, you've all had some training," Muttonchops says as he leaves his armor behind.

Bless you sir, you've seen it. The Great White and Armor are getting more and more nervous as I poke Muttonchops with a chalk-covered hand. He grimaces a bit, and lets out a chuckle. When I try again, he uses the side 'kick' to fend me off.

"Okay, a free-for-all," Muttonchops announces, "Inchworm, keep a running tally of how many touches land. A touch is scored against the receiver," he says, "Now lassies, I know you'll be tempted to test your protectee, but everyone is fair game. And everyone should be tested."

It takes the Great White about two seconds to realized what the sergeant has so innocently suggested. She gets a determined look on her face, a 'war face' but she had a grin for about a half-second.

"For the Princess!" Left-Front shouts. Armor launches at Pink, but everyone else charges the Great White. For a good ten-minutes, it's a free-for-all tickle fight. The Great White 'cheats' by using her mane, tail, wings as well as her legs. After the chasing around, she picks me up for a hug and another quiet, but heartfelt thank you. The fact that she's got all seven other ponies immobilized doesn't hurt to disguise that this is training, bizarre, but training.

Walking back to Pink's suite has all of the ponies laughing, giggling even. And I get a friendly nuzzle from all of them.

Even Muttonchops. "Well-played lad," he says, his voice thick with emotion.

It's clear that while they all know and respect her Highness, they also see her loneliness. They just didn't see a way to encompass both. I doubt I can play that card again, but I should be able to think of something.

The Great White had excused herself after the training, and we had let her go.

In the suite, Armor breaks the ice. "Did we just do what I think we did?"

"We were completely and utterly defeated in a training exercise against her Highness," Muttonchops says, "Proof she's a fast learner."

Armor stares at the old sergeant, as if trying to understand if he's being mocked of not. He finally realizes everybody knows exactly what just happened, including the human, but they have a simple explanation. He drops the subject and pulls out a chess set and waves me over. It's one of those for kids, with the allowable moves printed on the pieces, which are wooden disks roughly the size of a stack of four Kennedy half-dollars. I check the back, and see that they are bare wood, blonde wood for white, a deep mahogany for black.

It seems that his near-legendary sister is not the only member of the family who is obsessive about details. The 'castles' are our pawns and move exactly the same way. The rooks are called Earth Ponies, the knights Pegasi, bishops Unicorns, and the king and queen are called Princesses, and there's no difference between the pair. He shows me how the pieces move, in the exact same order: castle, Earth Pony, Pegasus, Unicorn, Princess, three times. The 'misinterpretation' is staggeringly easy to make, and I intend to.

The first move is to flip over all the pieces so I can't see what they are. He stares at me for a moment, before turning them right-side up. I turn over all mine and start on his, as fast as I can. At this point Pink and the others are drifting over.

Armor turns all of them over and when I reach for them, he says, "Percy, no."

I put my hands in my lap and wait. He moves one of his 'rook's pawns' and I just stare at the board.

He sighs. "You can move now Percy." And gestures at the board.

I move my own rook's pawn and flip it over at the end of my turn. There are giggles from the others.

"Just let him go," Pink tells him, "With real pieces, it won't matter."

He moves the 'rook', and so do I, turning the pawn face up as my last move. Armor rolls his eyes at that, he moves his knight. I move mine. He castles, using the bishop and the princess. It's a subtle difference, but I can handle that. I move my 'pawn' like a bishop to take his 'knight'.

He squawks immediately and resets the board. He shows me the allowed moves again, in the exact same order, twice. He makes his move, the queen's pawn. Mine is again the rook's pawn. He moves his 'queen' straight out, a rook like maneuver. I move my other rook's pawn. He moves out a knight. I jump my 'queen' out of position like a knight.

His squawk is more pronounced, and not helped by the laughter of the others.

He resets the board.

"Why don't you play it like he wants to, see how it works?" Pink says, giggling into her hoof.

Grumbling, Armor does that, and doesn't do too well, until I turn over all of his pieces. His are lighter colored than mine, so we can tell whose is whose. Without the cues to how the piece is supposed to move, he's soon trouncing me. With absolutely no help from me. Chess is another thing I don't have to fake being terrible at. But the chatter from the other ponies shows my invention is proving popular.

"I'm sorry, but Percy has to attempt to a few other lessons," Pink says, stifling giggles, "Besides pointing out you're your sister's brother."

"What?" Armor asks Pink.

"You showed him the exact same pattern over and over. And you wonder why he picked up that the order of the moves was the important thing?" Pink asks.

Armor frowns at that, but resets the board, he and Muttonchops set down to play a game of 'Percy Chess', as Muttonchops has started calling it.

The mares take me into the room where Parasol usually works. Parasol is the nervous recipient of all I've been taught these last few weeks. I soon have an absolute puddle in a mare's skin. And I notice the pegasi guards' wings are at full extension, and that all of them are looking at me like week-starved dogs at an all-you-can-eat steak buffet.

Left-Front speaks first, her voice catching slightly, "So, you think it'll work?"

Pink sighs. "It better. I can't think of what else to do."

The light, but vaguely worried banter is more worrisome than if all that were directed at me, instead of me being the package to whatever hopes they have collected.

The day of Nightmare Night, the Great White doesn't attend practice. Considering she was up all night puttering around in the suite, I have no doubts she's either still there, or sleeping through the day. The others are all discussing parties and costumes, what candy they'll give out, and who is going to look after whose foals as they go out.

Reminds me of trick or treat, I wonder if it's a ritual to scare off the ghosts, like Samhein, or to propitiate them, like Day of the Dead.

When I gesture about the Great White-sized hole in the practice patterns, I'm instantly surrounded by smiles, but no answers or inter-pony discussions. All of them seem anxious about the Great White's behavior, but none care to act on it.

Or they've been training Percy to act on it, I realize. So be it. But unless they fit me up with a costume, then getting close to the Great White is going to be extremely difficult. And what they've been teaching me is not exactly the kind of thing a human could get away with in the middle of a crowded room full of upperclass snobs.

Although the idea of 'Percy' being some magic-user's costume and freaking out those same snobs as a talking human has considerable appeal. I even know who I could claim to be. The light that often burns on into the night in another tower across the palace complex indicates someone else is likely eschewing the holiday.

I discard the thought, because I have precisely zero illusions about how that particular ruse would work out when it was discovered. And I don't want to hurt the people I've grown to care about. Now if I had some other person I could claim to be, that might work. That piecework statue they have out in the gardens would be a good choice.

The occasional flicker of light from the suite that seems to have become the kernel of the Great White's neurosis is what draws my attention. And I realize that the other mares have been prepping me for one simple reason. I am the only entity in this whole fricken country who isn't one of the Great White's subjects, or intimidated into subservience by her. I'm roughly equally subservient to all ponies: I don't treat Octavia any different from I treat the Great White. Second, I have a history of laying hands on her if I think she will benefit. Propriety and status might adjust when I do what I do, but I can do in private what needs to be done, and I think all of Pink's circle understand the Great White desperately needs a hug, or several.

I quickly took a bath, there being no one who could spy on me doing it properly. Made myself presentable, and headed out to beard the Great White in her substitute lair. I think I would rather be swimming with a real great white.

3S) You Flunked the Spartacus Test (Side of Chpt 3)

Your Human and You: You Flunked the Spartacus Test
Side story of I Am Not Spartacus
Based in the 'Your Human and You' universe by MadMaxtheBlack
This story is NOT canon with Your Human and You

by Dan_s Comments

Celestia felt as if someone had poured boiling lead into her soul. The expression on Luna's face before she betrayed, then on Nightmare's when she was defeated, the centuries of second-guessing and soul searching had been concentrated and thrust back to the forefront of her mind. It isn't bad enough that I know the 1000th year is coming, Celestia thought as she glanced worriedly at Percy, who wore his habitual, placid expression, He can't know, he can't have done this to me intentionally. Nightmare's cult died out centuries ago. Than damnable 'Nightmare Night' festival made Nightmare Moon a laughing stock. A stupid creature tricked and bought off in ways only a foal wouldn't laugh at. It was a stake driven into the heart of the cult, so he can't be a member. But, what he played. It was so beautiful. And it HURT SO MUCH. She slowed her breathing, feeling as if the wound were in her flesh, instead of in her soul.

She looked at the guards, stolid and blank normally, each one looked haunted.

No pony has no regrets, Celestia thought, Even Cadence who has never harmed a living soul lays with her soul flayed bare, only Octavia escaped. She is too callow to have regrets. They are an affliction of the seasoned and 'sagacious'. Those who had to make hard choices, and do hard things. Celestia nearly screamed as her memories and her long list of regrets, lost friends and failures rose up and washed over her. If he wanted us to know and understand how ponies had hurt him, he has done it, she thought, and glanced again at him, Or was this all his pain, and we are merely resonating with it. I think that is worse. Better it be an attack against us, than we are merely the flotsam in the tide of his own agonies. That we have done such a thing to anyone who lives and thinks, is a crime beyond imagining.

She sighed and realized, And now, I must add to that weight. I must inflict another horror on him. Because I have to protect my ponies, and I must know with absolute certainty.

"You will speak to no one about this. Not to each other, not to Cadence, and not even to me," Celestia began, but her voice caught before she could complete her thought.

"Your Majesty," Cadence said, her own pained remembrances are painted in her every move and gesture, "Whether we talk about it or not. It happened."

'You cannot deny what you are feeling and how the music affected us', Celestia thought of Cadence's reaction and anguish, I can, I must, but you cannot and I envy you that. But she is correct, if someone speaks of this, there will have to be an answer.

"Very well," Celestia said, "The gag order holds. There are creatures who can take the form of somepony you love, and they feed off your love for them. They are called Changelings. They exist, although we haven't seen them in centuries. They were quite a problem in the early days of the kingdom, until we developed a spell to strip off their disguises. Percy could be a failed attempt at improving their technique. Send something loveable into the pony lands to collect their food."

Cadence stared in disbelief at Celestia expecting acceptance of the old mares' tale offered as an explanation to having the world and her view of it shaken so violently. For a few moments, she seemed on the verge of venting her anger at this tissue-thin excuse. Cadence looked away, and began walking again.

Cadence glanced at Celestia. Her expression barely under control. "We'll have to take him to the Institute," she said and glared at Celestia, "To get him tested for any hidden - surprises." She practically spat the last word at Celestia.

And Cadence looks at the human who has already done so much to make her the mare she will need to be when the Crystal Empire returns, Celestia thought, And now circumstances force her to heap more discomfort and indignities on him. This time at her command. I am sorry. This time would have to come eventually. Better with a human, however clever and special, only a single life, not when hundreds or thousands hang in the balance. And she glares at me one more time. Another memory of another Alicorn and a similar look of betrayal imposed itself, made Celestia shy from Cadence's scowl. I am sorry for what has happened to you both. It's wrong . . . I don't know if there's anything I can do to make things better. Please forgive me and let me try.

Cadence despised 'The Institute'. They did useful work, but the experiments on humans, and the necropsies gave most ponies the cold shivers. The ponies who worked there were worse.

Especially the doctor in charge. The mare didn't understand 'personal space' and treated ponies as doltish colts.

"You see Cadence, our testing methods are the finest in all of Equestria!" the mare said, brushing her hip against Cadence's.

Cadence grimaced and stepped away. They're the only one in Equestria. Cadence noted that Percy had dropped back a bit, then stepped up to place himself between the doctor and her. Another note for intelligence, or at least empathy. How many have we missed?

The doctor glared at the human, but Percy retained his absolutely neutral expression.

Something else drilled into him, she thought, Give no evidence. So, what will he do on these tests? Wait, how would Celestia respond to these tests by a group of aliens? The thought crashed into a brick wall. I have no idea, but I guess I'll know it when I see it.

"The first test is the maze. We paint the floor, the blues are 'boundaries' and give mild electric shocks. The yellow is the safe path. Over there is the prize, an entire carton of fruit. The human is tested on how quickly he can get to the carton of fruit at the end of the maze."

Sounds like a canned speech she gives over and over again, Cadence thought.

"Sit," Cadence said and pointed, then watched Percy as he did. "When I say 'go' you can have the fruit." He stared at her as she backed away.

"The shocks are minor, most humans figure out what's safe and what isn't in a matter of moments, but that discovery is factored into the time of the test," the doctor said.

Cadence felt guilty about subjecting him to the pain, but put that aside. We need to know, she thought, Just something else I'll remember if he plays that song again.

"Ready?" the doctor asked, her stop watch in hoof.

Cadence nodded. "Go! Get the fruit."

The doctor clicked, and Percy stood up and walked.

Zap.

Straight to the carton of fruit. When the doctor stood slack-jawed, Cadence clicked the stopwatch. Yep, that's what Celestia would do, she thought and noted the reading. There was a chart on the wall of time versus intelligence. Hmm, right off the scale. But Twilight taught me to interpolate, so that's the straight line and . . . that's disturbing, he's smarter than Twilight.

Cadence saw several apples and an orange come sailing through the air towards her. Percy had tossed them to her as he was enjoying a banana, and going through the crate for his preferred goodies. Several off pieces were put aside.

"I think he's very intelligent," Cadence told the doctor.

"He's supposed to solve the maze," the mare said, then shrieked, "Not just walk across the barriers like they aren't there!"

"He did wince as he crossed them," Cadence offered, "Maybe I shouldn't have told him to get the fruit. He obviously thought I wanted some, so he just walked across them. My fiance is the same way." She grinned at the doctor who stared back.

"Of course," the doctor said. "Okay, take the fruit away from him, and let's set up the forcewalls." The doctor smiled as a burly technician headed towards Percy, who lofted another perfect apple to Cadence. "We do have contingencies for this kind of behavior," the doctor told her.

"How about for that behavior?" Cadence asked as Percy picked up the box of fruit and retreated across the maze barrier with it.

The technician, a unicorn, got ready to hop over the barrier. Just as he prepared to jump, Percy nailed him right on the horn with an apple.

ZAAAAAAAAAPPPPPP!

The technician convulsed slightly as he fell across the shock barrier. When he tried to rise, Percy nailed him in the side of the head with an orange.

The unicorn crawled back off the shock wall and hunkered down as best he could behind the stand the fruit had been on. Victorious for the moment, Percy kept eating, and tossing the shiniest apples and best oranges to Cadence, although he kept the pears and bananas to himself.

"Just use your horn," the doctor shouted at the tech.

The unicorn's horn glowed and the crate sailed back towards the stand, with Percy perched atop it.

"Put the box down and run!" Cadence shouted as she saw the anger on Percy's face.

The technician didn't believe her, and only saw an angry human advancing with a banana in each hand.

"Percy! No! Don't . . . oorgle ouch!" Cadence said and winced. A moment later she opened her eyes. "He'll live, but I don't think that poor stallion will ever look at bananas the same again."

Cadence waved a hoof in front of the doctor. "Uh, I'd suggest you get another crate of fruit, and I'll take Percy out so you can, uh, get this all cleaned up." She waved to her human. "Come on Percy. Yes, bring the crate with you."

He offered her another apple. "Thank you, but you didn't have to protect 'my' food from him quite so . . . enthusiastically."

"Bananananananana!" the technician squeaked.

"Yes, uh, important rule, don't steal food from Percy," Cadence said, "I wonder what would have happened if that was a pumpkin. On second thought, I can almost guess, and I don't want to know."

Celestia paced nervously. I have to know, I have to know. I have to know, she thought. She could sense Philomena's distress, and the guards' uneasiness. She looked at them, but couldn't still her racing thoughts. There has to be a way to determine if this is an attack, or just extremely unpleasant happenstance, she thought, she almost had an answer, then the expression on Nightmare's face surged in her mind, and she almost stumbled. She shook her head and laid down on her bed. The urge to pace, to move, anything to distract from the memories. But the memories distracted her from performing any distracting action safely.

Yes, that would be brilliant, twisting a hoof because I can't get the look of rage on my sister's face, or the horror on Nightmare Moon's face out of my mind, she thought and stifled a desire to stand and pace, or fling open the windows and race through the air on her own wings.

Only I can't do those either, I'd crash into a tower or a wall, she thought as she surged to her hooves and ran out the door. The guards ran with her and Philomena flew alongside.

The phoenix's war cry sounded, sending ponies scattering as the Princess thundered through the halls of Canterlot towards the Royal Apartments. The phoenix gave her friend several worried looks as the madmare seemed to race the wind.

Celestia ran, ran as fast as she ever had within the palace. When she arrived at her destination, it looked like half the guard and most of the night staff had arrived with her. Most were either armed or holding their usual implements like weapons. The pegasi maids who dusted the tops of the pillars were the most ridiculous, feather dusters and wash buckets at the ready.

I can't tell them, but I have to tell them something, she realized as they stood, arrayed for a battle and ready to fight what had so disturbed the princess.

"Check Captain Armor's quarters, you two, come with me," she ordered, sounding more certain than she felt.

She unlocked a door she doubted had been opened in a century, walking inside, she felt the weight of history and fallen dreams descended on her. No one knew why this huge room had been built, it had been used occasionally for storage, or for private meetings. But that was not why it had been built. She looked at the assembled guards, maids and janitors. Then the thought occurred to her. Solved two problems at once, she thought.

"I want this room cleaned to the walls, anything unusual is to be contained and I am to be summoned. None of you are to be heroes. You encounter any trouble, you call to me, understood?"

She received nods from the resolute soldiers and workers. She returned to her own apartment. Philomena arrived and settled on her perch. The phoenix stared at her ally.

"I haven't gone mad," Celestia assured her, "But, it may seem that way for a little while." She grinned as she laid out her plan. Philomena wasn't convinced, but would help her.

She left Percy in the same central location as she crossed through the maze. Cadence tried to hide her smirk as she approached the harried researcher. The technicians were different and much more skittish.

"Raise the shields," the doctor ordered. Percy tapped at the unseen walls, finding the gaps mirroring the painted floors.

I bet she wishes she could just wall him up in there, Cadence thought.

"Go!" Cadence called and the doctor hit the stop watch. And Percy didn't move.

Well, after all that food, she thought and kept her face stoic as Percy glanced around, laid down and seemed to go to sleep.

The doctor stared.

She glanced away from the fuming researcher and back to the human. I think I see steam, Cadence thought but kept her mouth shut.

Only the ticking of the stopwatch could be heard as they watched and waited.

"Get him out of there," the doctor said and shook her head. She was breathing like she'd run from Baltimare to Canterlot without stopping.

"I guess he failed that one," Cadence said and grinned.

The doctor just stared at her.

"Is there another test he could perform?" Cadence asked, her chirpy tone and ebullient manner were clearly grating on the doctor. Cadence was well aware of the attitude to take that irritated the overly serious and self-absorbed, interactions with nobles and experience as a foalsitter had taught her. Now she pulled out her entire list of 'thou shalt not' and began checking them off.

The beleaguered doctor signaled for her team to take Percy to 'the common room' and continue the testing.

Grinning, Cadence followed. She heard the doctor's teeth grinning, but her happy-skippy trot only drove the stake in harder.

The ponies went up the stairs while the human went through a door on the first floor. Arriving in the control center, she saw the entire floor was some sort of one-way mirror as the humans went about their odd behaviors and the ponies above them watched.

Below, the humans sat before machines, sometimes the machines would spit out a number of tokens. Cadence noted that more often than not, the male humans would present a pile of tokens to the females, they'd copulate, and the female would redeem the tokens for food from another set of machines.

She looked at the doctor, who looked distinctly uncomfortable about the practice.

"It was a completely new behavior they developed among themselves," the doctor told her, "We're ah, studying it as it affects their competitions."

Cadence raised an eyebrow, then noted the scuffle that had broken out near one of the machines. "Is that also part of their competitions?"

The doctor sighed. "Yes, the machines have different payouts based on difficulty. More difficult machines have higher pay outs. There are dominance displays for who plays which machine. Even if a more dominant human is less successful, they may be able to monopolize a machine."

"Do they ever steal from each other?" she asked, as she watched Percy watching the goings on.

"No, sometimes two males will put a pile of tokens together, and they'll have a contest, winner take all, but thievery and pilfering are punished by the entire group," the doctor told her.

"Interesting, and you say they are less intelligent than ponies?" she asked, the very essence of innocence.

"Yes, your Highness," the doctor said.

"Why is nopony at that machine?" she asked of the machine Percy was at.

"It's a leftover from an older set of tests. It was high-difficulty, high-reward, but set to the minimum reward, none of the others will play it," the doctor explained, "None of the humans can beat it."

Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, bring!

Cadence watched Percy examine the disc token the machine had produced. "No one?" she asked as Percy returned the token to the playoff slot and started again.

"Except by luck."
Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, bring!
Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, bring!

"Luck?" Cadence asked.
Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, bring!

"Luck," the doctor insisted.
Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz!

"See?" the doctor said.
Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, bring!

"Yes, I do," Cadence replied. She watched Percy play the machine. The human females first noticed the growing stack of tokens he was accumulating. That almost made her laugh.

Percy seemed almost irritated with his victories. He'd rush through the first half of the test, then became much more deliberate during the second. Once he had a stack of tokens that was too tall to be stable, he turned them like wheels, and sent the entire mass rolling across the floor. The effect was bedlam.

Stealing is forbidden, grabbing up something thrown away isn't, Cadence realized as Percy ignored the others racing around, abandoning machines to grab the loose tokens, and the displays by those who'd usurped the machines to those who wanted their machine back. The display was chaos, except for Percy, working diligently at whatever he was trying to do.

"Is he losing on purpose?" one of the technicians asked the doctor, who trotted over to watch Percy's play.
Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, bring!
Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz!
Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, bring!
Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz!

The doctor looked at the charts and the technician's notes. "This make no sense."

Suddenly the noise from the machine stopped. Some sense to trouble welled up in Cadence and she summoned her magic and dragged the technician and doctor away from the console.

"Your Highness," the doctor protested.

Smoke billowed from the console.

"Clear the area!" Cadence shouted and thundered down the stairs to find Percy. She heard the 'whoomph' as smoke became flames in the observing room. The screaming technicians were on her tail as she reached the doors and unbolted them. Terrified humans rushed through the doors after the frightened technicians. Percy passed her, patted her on the head and raced up the stairs into the observation room at top speed. She shied at the idea of following him, but a moment later he returned, dragging an unconscious researcher. She lifted the concussed mare so Percy wouldn't drag her down the stairs.

"Let's call the fire brigade," she called and waved for Percy to follow her.

Captain Armor had heard of Discord, even knew where his statue was in the Royal Gardens. I do wonder, if Discord ever escaped, would I even notice? he thought, glancing at Percy apparently wearing a Cadence-skin rug. His fiance was trying her best to look menacing, but only managed to look adorable.

The doctor currently screeching at him looked considerably less adorable, less than even Mile Stone, who was not making his commanding officer's life any easier.

"Sounds exactly like my nephew," Mile Stone said, and ignored his Captain's glare.

He knew it sounded pedantic, but he'd read the report. "Technically, it was a deflagration, not a detonation. But I don't see any reason to write a citation against the lab for unsafe practices. After all, you have the test reports from when you had all this equipment tested before it went into use."

Watching the screeching doctor suddenly stifle herself was worth all the abuse to that point. I do wish I'd seen Percy in action. I think he was doing it on purpose, he thought, I almost don't want to know what possessed Cadence to bring him here for testing. Twilie could probably whip up a decent intelligence tester in ten minutes.

"I didn't destroy thousands, millions of bits of equipment. He did," doctor said, her shaking hoof aimed at Percy. If she'd acted that way towards a pony, it would be grounds for an assault charge.

"You had substandard safety features on your equipment? Are you saying that?" Armor asked, and again the doctor wilted, "Thank you for your time, doctor. I'm certain you'll be contacted tomorrow or the next day at the latest. Oh, is it true Percy dragged your injured staff to safety? I'd appreciate an appropriate testimonial for the medal ceremony," Armor said, and left with Percy and Cadence before the doctor transitioned from deflagration to detonation.

"I heard what he did, was it enough to convince you to take him in there?" Armor said.

"A better question is 'where can you get a cello on short notice'?" Mile Stone said as he pulled a newspaper from his saddlebag.

"Sergeant, I can beat myself unconscious with a frying pan at home just as easily," Armor said. Both Cadence and Percy froze at his harsh tone.

"A little bird told me," Mile Stone told them as he unfolded the paper.

"A little bird with big, white wings?" Cadence asked, looking at both guards with a worried expression.

Mile Stone shook his mutilated newspaper, "Red wings, burned through the sports section of the paper. Why not the classifieds? I never read those. And what's this 'Percy cello quick'?"

"I'll buy you a new paper. That's why not the classifieds," Cadence offered.

"I doubt anyplace is open at this time of night," Armor said as he looked over the paper Cadence turned the pages on.

"Here's what," Armor said, he looked at Percy, "I don't know why Philomena has taken especial interest in you, but for what it's worth, someone not four blocks from the palace is selling a genuine Saddlevarius." He reeled back from the intensity of Cadence's puppy-dog eyes. "Percy, you're still on my side aren't you?"

Percy patted him on the head.

"Take it from me, lad," Mile Stone explained, "My wife's three times her age and she can still do that to me."

Armor sighed. "Okay, once more unto the breach."

"I love the beach," Cadence said in her 'empty-headed idiot' tone.

Celestia was sweating. Her disguise magic had been perfect. Cadence, Shining Armor, and Mile Stone were completely and utterly fooled by the combination of her masterful disguise and obfuscating magic.

Poor Percy looked like he was going through the trials of the damned trying to figure out what he was really seeing. He'd stare at her, as if trying to pierce the veil by sheer force of will. Then he'd nervously pace as if the ignorance or uncertainty were a thousand nettles stinging him at once.

At least he hasn't denounced me or done something to dispel the illusion, she thought as she watched the poor, tormented human try to discover what was bothering him about the old fumble-noble selling the cello.

"Hu must vondering vhy dee price she so low," Celestia said, to distract Armor and Cadence from Percy's distress. "Vell, she's acoursed. No pony cund play it, vithout goink mod."

I swear Percy was on the verge of facehoofing, she thought as he calmed himself.

The human sat quietly, but retained the same haunted expression.

"Be a shame to let a fine instrument like that just be a museum piece," Mile Stone said.

Celestia paused, to consider, where in reality she was watching Percy. He knows, or at least suspects, she thought, He knows it's me. But that's impossible. My disguise and magic should be perfect. How is he seeing through it, even in glimpses?

"Vell, when du put it like dat," Celestia said and extends a hoof to shake on the deal.

Celestia watched them leave, especially Percy who kept glancing at her in confusion and distress. She sighed. What am I going to do with him? Is the fact he's here so close to the thousandth year an advantage or a curse? I wish I knew. I wish I knew.

Mile Stone watched the two lovers quarrel and decided to stay out of it. One time 'elder wisdom' would do more harm than good, he realized and helped Percy find a spot for the cello. Even the human is antsy, he wondered, What's gotten into everypony?

"Okay, it's just us," Armor said, his voice like he was dressing down a recruit, "What is going on, Cadence?"

Gently lad, there's the politics in the Guard, and there's the Royals. They aren't the same, Mile Stone thought to his commander.

"I can go," he said to break the deadlock.

"No," Armor said.

"Please stay," Cadence asked, and looked at Armor, then away in shame, "Here or gone, I still couldn't say."

"Cadence," Armor said.

Mile Stone held up a hoof. "Can you at least give a hint?"

Give him something, the old sergeant wanted to say.

The cello music filled the room and silenced all of them. Mile Stone glanced at Cadence's and Armor's horns. Neither are lit so that means, Mile Stone thought and forced himself to turn and look. It's all clear now.

"Now you can't tell anypony," Cadence said.

I don't think I want to tell anypony, Mile Stone thought as he stared as the base impossibility before him, I like being outside of the asylum. There's got to be an answer. One that makes sense, one that doesn't require the entire world to have gone mad.

"Well." Cadence was grinning at Armor now. "I can't talk about the rest, but I think you can guess."

Armor stared at the human. "What the heck are you?"

Idiot! Mile Stone thought and nearly beaned himself for his stupidity.

"Kinestic, Ken-aesthetic, Kinansetic," Mile Stone said and shook his head.

"Kinesthetic memory!" Cadence face hooved. "Celestia's mercy. One of the handlers in the fighting pits probably wanted a quiet place to practice. And we've all seen how calm and quiet he can be. With the rest of the humans making noise to cover the cellist, Percy must have had hours to watch and learn." She sighed and sat down. "And we were getting all worked up over it. At least we can well, mention this to Princess Celestia. She must be worried sick about this. I'm sorry Armor, but you can imagine what the papers would do if they got ahold of this."

"The papers, nothing. The nobles would have a mass panic attack if someone suggested that a human was intelligent," Armor said, "Yes, I understand the secrecy, and the need for it. I can imagine if the Institute got their hooves on him."

"The terrible and cruel tests," Cadence said and shuddered.

"I think he was more worried about what Percy would do to them, lass," Mile Stone said.

"That's what I meant," Cadence said and the three ponies laughed.

Celestia didn't normally use the war room for anything like its intended purpose. It was one of the few rooms in the castle without the 'whisper galleries' where servants could watch and 'support'. Here it was private. What was discussed here, stayed here.

"I take it back," Armor said, as he looked at the photos and the other evidence that Celestia had acquired somehow. "He is intelligent."

"Then why hasn't he shown it? And why doesn't he vocalize? He's quiet, even for a human," Cadence said. Her face fell and showed her horror. "Oh, the fighting pits."

"Yes," Celestia said, "Five years of seeing the very worst ponies can be, is not going to be wiped away by even the Alicorn of Love and her blushing fiance."

Armor did blush at that. "You think he might actually be able to talk? That's why he's so quiet?"

Celestia chuckled. "A human talk, that's funny. I mean he might hide his intelligence. Humans make hoot and hollers. He might be intelligent enough to understand pony speech, but I doubt he can mimic it."

"But he might be able to make something understandable that would worry most ponies," Armor said.

"This is all theoretical," Cadence asked, "What do we do?"

"Exactly what we are doing. Letting him reveal himself as he sees fit. He has not done anything requiring serious punishment. In fact, his acting out seems calculated to amuse," Celestia said, "We let him unpeel the layers of Percy himself."

"You make him sound like an onion," Cadence said, "Why not just confront him with what we know and make sure he knows we love him."

"Can he still turn your power aside?" Celestia asked.

Cadence grimaced. "Yes, and I don't know why."

"Because your power is to remind ponies of why they loved. He hasn't. We're his first love. He can't be reminded, because it's happening right now." Celestia told her, "He has had layer upon layer of protection, avoidance, duplicity and disguise to avoid being hurt and to survive. Peeling those back would hurt him terribly. Better he shed them one at a time or in groups, as he grows more comfortable."

"So we ignore how smart he is?" Armor said.

"No, but don't be quick to notice it. Let your words wave it away, let your actions acknowledge it," Celestia said. She noticed Cadence staring at her with an expression she normally saw on Twilight. "You agree, object, amend?" she asked.

"Just that you seem very curious about how to approach an alien intelligence, and very adamant about allowing it to develop at its own pace, and us to support unconditionally. Why?" Cadence asked, in a tone more like Twilight ferreting out secrets from her teachers or books.

"You are correct, I have my reasons, and telling you would spoil the surprise," Celestia said and grinned.

Armor and Cadence exchanged glances and seemed to communication far beyond mere words.

"As you command," they said together.

I get the feeling I just walloped a hornets' nest with a short stick, she thought, But I'll need to know how this works. Or everything is lost.

Armor and Cadence had been chatting about this and that, carefully but not pointedly ignoring Celestia's distracted demeanor. Cadence had let Armor in on their 'conspiracy', but they had agreed that they needed to convince Percy to do this at his own pace. Just as Celestia had suggested, but not in the direction she had suggested or would even know about.

He seems to like auntie, Cadence thought, And he isn't intimidated by her like so many ponies are. I just hope this works. I've caught all my guards, and a fair number of others looking at him hungrily. Short of covering her with steak sauce, I don't know how we are going to get him more interested.

"Your Highness, what are you going as for Nightmare Night?" Armor asked.

Celestia jerked as if she'd stepped on one of Doctor's electric floors. Percy gave Armor a very disapproving look for a good half-second. Cadence hid her smile and seemed to focus on Celestia.

I should be like a cinema villain, twirling my moustache and proclaiming 'everything is going according to plan', Cadence thought, But they always lose right after, so I'll keep quiet.

"Oh," Celestia said and pawed the ground like a nervous filly, "I think I won't wear a costume. If it's all the same to you."

"Ah, are you going to be working with Twilight on her 'special project'?" Armor asked in the same cheerful tone.

Celestia jerked and looked around. "Uh, oh, uh, no."

And again, Percy looks displeased, Cadence thought as she looked straight ahead, catching Percy's mild irritation in her peripheral vision. Considering how nervous and almost neurotic auntie has been getting about this, she needs someone. And Percy acts like he's going to do it all by himself. This is going to be PERFECT! She stifled a squeal and happy trot as she thought about Percy going to Celestia of his own free will, and after all they'd been teaching him.

She glanced at Armor and the pair shared a knowing grin. They took mercy on Celestia for the rest of the walk to the pit. Predictably, Percy paired Armor with Cadence and got them going on their exercises. He pointed out techniques they needed to practice. Cadence and Armor focused on that, pointedly ignoring Celestia and her shifting from hoof to hoof in her nervousness.

Then Percy looked over at Celestia and Cadence just giggled. Armor glared at her, but Percy looked at them and just waggled his eyebrows. Cadence giggled again at that. They started working, as much a courtship dance as friends practicing hoof-to-hoot combat.

"Yes," Cadence said, then twisted Armor's head to watch as Percy put his arms around Celestia's neck.

"Yes," Armor whispered back, and was nearly echoed by half the guards, the half who weren't shocked by the display.

It was rare that Celestia got to be absolutely adorable. But the expression on her face as she looked over Percy's back and rubbed her forelegs, especially her fetlocks on Percy's belly was enough to melt the hardest heart. She was so happy, and so gentle. Playing the game with him that let her show her affection and that let her cuddle someone without rank getting in the way.

She stopped, and he broke off the hug. She nuzzled him and wickering something soft to him. He stroked her muzzle. He had a more pleasant, bland expression than he usually wore. More thoughtful too.

Cadence grinned at Armor. He raised an eyebrow, saying: 'the plan is working well.'

Percy marched over to the pair and separated them. Then he rubbed his hand, just one, with chalk and marked his chest with it.

Mile Stone turned to Cadence's guards. "Come on lassies, you've had training. Now real." He took off his armor and followed them. Percy put a chalk mark on the old soldier, then Mile Stone fended him off when he tried again. "Okay, a free-for-all. Inchworm, keep a running tally of how many touches land. A touch is scored against the receiver. Now lassies, I know you'll be tempted to test your protectee, but everyone is fair game. And everyone should be tested."

The regular ponies exchanged glances.

But Celestia knows us too well, Cadence thought as Celestia's grim expression was presaged by a grin.

At the signal, everyone, except Armor, charged Celestia. The pair stood back and used their magic to reduce her Highnesses numerous advantages to make it a less unfair 'fight'. Percy remained the most elusive target and effective 'combatant', striking, but breaking off when Celestia concentrated on him rather than the others.

Oh no, Cadence thought as Celestia broke free and charged them.

"Oh boy," Armor said then glanced at Cadence, "Every pony for himself."

"What?" Cadence raged at her fleeing fiance, then came under her aunt's full attention.

Finally Celestia had all of them exhausted, entangled, and in Percy's case, wrapped up like a moth larva in a cocoon.

They're all giggles as they headed back to the apartment.

"You cheated," Celestia accused Mile Stone.

"Coordinating operations is not 'cheating' your Highness. Just experience," the old sergeant said. "Well-played lad," he told Percy.

"Well, I have to check on something. I enjoyed beating you all single-hoofedly," she told them and grinned, she rubbed Percy's head, "I had a good teacher." She walked away smiling.

The others were also grinning. Although Percy's wasn't a true grin, but it was the equivalent of him grinning ear to ear.

As they arrived home, Armor asked, "Did we just do what I think we did?"

Mile Stone snorted. "Of course we did, Captain," he said, "Her Highness mastered the skills and we were completely and utterly defeated in a training exercise against her Highness. Proof she's a fast learner."

Armor chuckled. "Nightmare night," he said.

Cadence nodded and smiled. He'll be ready, maybe even eager, she thought as Armor set up the chess board.

4) Ding Dong the Witch is . . . ?

I Am Not Spartacus - Ding Dong the Witch is . . . ?
by Dan's Comments
Based in the 'Your Human and You' universe by MadMaxtheBlack
This story is NOT canon with Your Human and You

DISCLAIMER: My Little Pony is the property of Hasbro, Inc.

I walk into the large suite the Great White has been refurbishing. The place is breathtaking, especially if you can fly. One light well, through a series of staggered balconies reaching all the way to a glass penthouse at the top of the tower. No internal walls, so while it is divided, the entire space is also open.

For those without wings, there is a staircase on the wall. This one has a handrail, a feature not always present on the other soaring architecture of Canterlot. OSHA could pay the U.S. national debt with the fines from violations of safety codes I've witnessed in this place. Sometimes, I think I was safer in the cage. The furnishings are lavish, although most are draped in tarps so exactly what they are being mostly guesswork.

The Great White stands amid a dozen cans of paint and several paint trays, a dozen rollers and brushes hang limp in the faint glow of her magic as she stares at a picture held in a hoof.

I don't remember ever seeing the Great White look so sad. Although, her behavior has been getting rather strange of late. Stranger. I attributed it, as did everyone else, to a lack of sleep. But that isn't all of it. She stares at the small painting and sighs. Then stares at the suspended painting job, then back at the picture. I can't tell if she's trying to color match, because the wall is a uniform dark blue. Or some other action.

The red bird lets out a cough, and points a wing at me. Then the Great White does something I've never seen, she fumbles what she's holding due to her surprise. The red bird, Philomena, squawks in alarm and launches herself at the picture, catching it, she flips in midair and sends it sailing at me. Why she didn't simply carry it to safety becomes apparent when I catch it. Where she'd held, it is uncomfortably hot. Another few moments and the whole picture would have gone up in flames.

I deliberately don't look at the picture but hastily put it in a drawer of the furniture next to me. Then I'm staring at the most terrifying sight I have ever seen in my entire time in Equestria. Even a charging manticore doesn't compare.

The Great White staring at me, the effects of sleep deprivation and worse blending into madness. And fury. "Are you here to mock me as well?" she asks in a husky whisper. Then lowers her head so she's staring at me eye to eye. "To remind me how I failed?"

There were always some in the arena you had to watch, because you could never guess what they'd do, and knocking them down was never enough. They wouldn't stop trying until you'd dismantled them and spread their pieces across the arena floor. The spectators loved them, everyone else hated them, because they were just as unstable when you were trying to feed them as they were in the arena. I hated them because I wanted to put on a show, not butcher a carcass that fought back. The Great White is giving off every vibe of every one of those maniacs I ever encountered.

"Oh you don't know about the wonderful holiday everyone is celebrating," her usually pleasant tones are off somehow, and terrifying. Like a familiar melody, with fingernails on a chalkboard quietly accompanying. Just enough to alert you something is wrong, but not enough to let you pinpoint what. The smile is the worst, like someone studied her serene grin, and then sneezed halfway through painting it on and tried half-heartedly to cover up the mistake. It was there, but it wasn't what it normally was.

If I'd seen a smile like that in the pit, I would have automatically crushed the skull attached to it.

"How I started it to celebrate my sister, and all the work she did. I held it at night, so that's when ponies would have to celebrate it. Ha! Ha! But then they changed it into this. And every time I tried to change it back." She lifted up a hoof and stared at it, "It just slipped away again. Isn't that silly?" Her laughter, which I'd never heard before, has a glissando or change in pitch, like a musical saw. And like a saw tooth, it goes up and down.

If that's her natural laugh, I can see why she doesn't laugh in public. I felt the hair on the back of my neck stand up. Then she steps sideways.

"You aren't going to run off and tell everyone, are you?" She bows her head, not incidently aiming her horn at me and laughs again. "Yes, you're going to run out among all the ponies saying that Celestia is lost in the past. That she keeps talking about her, and no one even remembers who she is."

I'm hoping 'her' and 'she' are separate entities.

"You can tell them all I'm an awful sister. That I should have listened. I should have known." She's pawing the ground and her ears are pinned back. She continues as she turned her head from side to side, "But after Discord, and Sombra, and the Windingoes, I had nothing left for my poor sister." The normally pleasant tones have a tremulous air to them, as if the insanity was held by a sheet of glass, and the right tone would loose it upon the world.

'What sister?' I want to yell at the top of my lungs. Then her expression turns ugly.

"But you don't know. You don't care. You just came in to laugh at me. The poor, pony princess possessed by primeval passions of passed prospects." She laughs again, the same horrible down then up warble. And the forced smile.

The blow fell without warning. I'm sliding across the room on the floor. I've got the wind knocked out of me, but more importantly, the only door is easily thirty feet away. I know she could have killed me. Whether she held back out of mercy, or because she wants the terror to last I don't know.

She takes her time walking over. Her step and her gaze never waiver. "But you hate me for all kinds of other reasons. What ponies have done to you. All my fault too? Isn't it? Isn't it?! ISN'T IT?!"

It takes all I have not to answer, except to kneel on the floor and raise my hands in surrender. I keep my eyes down, and wait until her forehooves come into sight. Her horn touches me in the forehead and presses, I can either elevate my head to look her in the eyes, or let her punch it straight through my head. I look up.

"You think I am gentle and kind," she tells me. The contempt in her voice rankles, but over a foot of sharply pointed bone gives her all the advantage she needs. The only sign that this might not be a disaster is the red bird hiding her head under her wing as if embarrassed. "But while I was gentle with so many, I couldn't save my own sister." She moves her horn aside so she can lean close to whisper to me. "Do you know what I'm going to do?"

I can't react except to look at her. The smile is genuine now, but terribly sad.

"I'm going to send a mare, barely out of her fillyhood, off to fight the terrible thing that consumed my sister. Do you know why? Because I failed. All I could do is lock it away. But the trusting foal will go to her doom, or succeed, without ever knowing why." She nuzzled me and whispered. "Because if I tell her, it won't work." She drew back and laughed again. A horrible sound. "I put a mare I love like a daughter, and my own sister together on one throw of the dice. Am I not angelic?" She takes a wings-upraised pose. "Am I not kind and wise as those ponies all say?" she whispers in wistful tones.

Then she thunders, "Those ponies celebrating the monster who destroyed her, not the pony they should be honoring!"

My back is against the wall, why I'm not through the wall and outside, I have no idea.

"Don't you want to be celebrating? Mocking all her achievements and talent? Celebrating her downfall?" The smile briefly faded. "Celebrating my greatest failure?" Unfortunately it returned. "I wouldn't blame you. I wouldn't even stop you." She steps sideways to open the path to the door.

Except I know that trick. She's faster than I am, and her magic is faster still. If I try to make a break for it, she'll have me in an instant. And in her state, that could mean anything. And there are places she could stick that horn I'd probably live through, but wouldn't enjoy one moment of.

The giggle is worse than the laugh. "But you hate me personally, don't you? That's why you don't trust me. After all, ponies hurt you, over and over, and I'm in charge of the ponies. So you aren't like them." She gestured at the door. "You aren't hurting me to have fun. You want to hurt me in vengeance."

I actually would love to not to hurt anybody any more. Just because I've become good at it, doesn't mean I want to practice that skill.

She nuzzles me. "You want to hurt me don't you. You're the only one who has a reason to hate me as so many do." She kisses me, and gives me the eeriest smile. Then the cracks in the facade spiderweb, and I see how miserable she is. "But you don't have to use knives, or teeth. Just laugh." She gestures at the room.

It looks like a Goth nerd's dream house, all dark colors, huge library, and I think a telescope up near the top.

"I'm stupid, putting this all together myself. As if my working on it personally will somehow make a difference in what I did," the Great White says as she walks around, "As if using the symbol of our love and trust for one another to banish her in the moon will somehow be erased by a few personally chosen wall hangings and a little sweat equity."

She whirls to face me, her fury back full force. "So laugh. It's so ridiculous, laugh! The beloved ruler of Equestria, will be hated by her blood kin, and she thinks this will make any difference. SO LAUGH!"

I'm glad humans supposedly 'can't' laugh, because this isn't funny. Not in any way, shape, matter or form.

I reach up to touch her, and she shies back as if I'd take a swing at her. Then she leans in and stares at me. I realize, she's trembling.

"Am I not worth even your hatred?" she asks, "Is pity all you feel for me?"

In a way, it is. While she may be the ruler, she can't prevent these children from being as cruel as children are everywhere. These ponies aren't adults, they're kids. This isn't Plato's Republic, this is Lord of the Flies.

As my hand hangs, her expression returns to rage. "What do you know of what I've done?" she asks, her voice thick with anger. "You can barely understand it. You've never known betrayal. The evil you've faced is uniform, the same and never changing. I ignored and turned against my sister when she needed me most!"

And who has been there for you? Was this sister you are building this shrine for there for you? Were any of the marvelous ponies now, or then? Same place they are now, in their own world. Even your student who supposedly worships your every sunbeam. I don't see her with a paint brush or roller, or even a cup of tea and a kind word.

I lowered my hand and approach the Great White. In alarm, she steps back, then she scrambles sideways so the path to the door is wide open.

"I won't try and stop you," she whispers as she bows her head. Then her anger resurfaces. "Do whatever you want!" Her head and tail droop. "I don't care any more."

'Do whatever you want'? Dangerous thing to one who has little to lose, and much to gain. No, I don't hate you. You can't control your subjects enough to change the holiday back to the way you want it. It's axiomatic that you couldn't prevent what happened to me. You and Pink are the only ones who have been unswervingly kind to me. I stand and walk along beside her, touching her neck and back, feeling the knotted muscles there.

I briefly consider giving her a swat on the butt and a stern talking to, and then let everyone explain it away as a hallucination because of, pick your own excuse. But the imp in me has other plans.

She looks over her shoulder at me, gives a mirthless chuckle and moves her tail out of the way. Her head droops to near the floor.

Almost, but not quite. I carefully fold her tail up and over her croup. She shivers, her head nearly to the floor and her feet lifting and falling almost as if she were dancing or marching in place. A good jump and I'm seated on her croup. The Great White raises her head to turn and look at me in confusion as I lay down on her back. Her ears swivel full forward and her eyes watch as I rest my hands at the top of her withers and begun working on the tremendous tension there. She straightens her neck out and lowers it, her ears slop out to the sides. I feel like I'm trying to wear away a chunk of cement with my bare hands, but she relishes the attention.

Her breathing is slow and regular now, her wings are fluttering a little, but that's normal too. Now it's time to take the biggest gamble I have since I came to Equestria. It's high risk, but for extremely high reward, and frankly I like the Great White. Sure she seems to periodically scare the Hell out of me, but on Nightmare Night, a good, safe scare is de rigeur.

Five years of watching the occasional scuffle of young love, then listening to Left-Front's almost clinical explanation of unicorn and pegasus erogenous zones, with a statement or two about Earth ponies told me one thing that I doubt even the Great White realizes. Unicorns' horns when casting magic, Pegasi's feathers when flying or gliding, and Earth Ponies' hooves when they are 'fertilizing' the ground, or depending on them for support or strength Antaeus-like, all become extremely sensitive to touch, but only to the natural environment, or someone who honestly cares about them. Magic resonates pleasantly with magic, and friendship really is magic.

Unicorn horns are not just bone growing out of their heads, they're covered with a layer of keratin, similar to human fingernails. Hooves are the same stuff, as are feathers. But there's one other thing of keratin, hair. And the Great White's ethereal mane is always charged with magic.

I comb her mane out of the way with my fingers, so I can start to work on her crest.

She gasps, raises her head and squirms. "P-Percy, don't, don't do that," she says, but in the wrong tone for it to be a command. Perfect opportunity to 'misunderstand'. Besides, if she were serious, she could throw me off with her tail like a cook flipping burgers.

I slowly run both hands through her mane. This time the hair reacts, pushing at my hands, like little zephyrs made of silk, but not enough to impede their passage, or prevent them from returning to her withers. Her sigh and shudder as she relaxes and lowers her head tells me I made the right choice. I guess she's blushing, because I can feel more warmth from her body.

I continue working up her crest, every few moments combing her mane out of the way, although now it's twining around my arms and shoulders. While her tail is caressing me as if exploring around my legs and back. If I didn't know better, I might be worried. She's making these whimpering little whinnies that in some ways are hilarious, but in others are wretched. That physical contact, physical pleasure should be so rare and so highly prized. About half way up her crest, she starts shivering. Her ears are still splayed to the side and her breathing is faster, but still regular, so I pay it no mind, mistakenly. Because despite laying atop her spine with my legs wrapped around her flanks in front of her haunches, she's still very soft, and warm, and fuzzy, and now - vibrating. Now I'm starting to send her a clear and growing, if rather boorish signal that I'm enjoying the closeness and contact quite a bit myself.

Oh crap. When making plans, it is always good to have a contingency in place for when you fail. You should also have a contingency in place for when you succeed beyond your expectations. While I hoped she'd enjoy it, I assumed I hadn't even started on the stuff that would get her this excited. The Great White pounds that lesson home, by gently raising her wings and neck as far as they'll go, and letting out a soft nicker. Like a horse would to a foal or a friend. Her shivering stops and she's blowing like she just ran a race. Her neck and wings dip back to brush the ground.

Okay smart guy, decision time. Hell with it, they can only execute me once. Besides, if she's that starved for physical intimacy, it's gonna be death by snu-snu for sure. I keep working on her neck and the tension there, combing through her mane every few moments. The free parts of her tail are wrapping around me, and the soft ends are brushing my exposed skin. If the tentacles in hentai anime would adopt this approach, and get some fur mittens, it wouldn't be called tentacle rape anymore. She's also starting to undulate, raising her croup, then the back while lowering the croup, then the withers while lowering the back. The undulations keep pace with her breathing which is speeding up, coming in short gasps. It feels like riding a mechanical bull, which someone has turned into an emulation of a lap dance.

Her wings are rising slowly. "Tighter, your legs, tighter," she gasps out, and her mane and tail press on my legs. I hook my feet under her and squeeze as hard as I can. She gasps, but this also means the fur is rubbing harder on me, which may or may not be the point. I don't remember discussing this in any of the 'classes', but a stallion's legs would be around the barrel near the shoulders, not the 'waist'.

I'm nearing the end of her neck, do I rub her horn, or massage somewhere else? No, I'm trying to be a masseuse, if the customer reacts, that's not the intent. I reach around and start on her shoulders. They are if anything, worse than her neck was. Looking over the side, I see her knees wobbling. Frankly, that only encourages me to work harder. I also remembered an old legend that said bad memories were stored in certain muscles. From the Great White's reaction, I wonder if it's true on Equestria. She can't remain standing, and she starts to sit. I unhook my legs and let her settle to the ground. I'm glad to relieve the pressure, my erection is getting painful and her rubbing her body against me was not helping that. The bathroom and later is the obvious combination to deal with it. Painting the ceiling in here and now seems rather low-class.

As she settles, her wings flutter continuously, and she raises her head to gasp. Her undulations have lessened but her mane and tail still stroke and tickle any bare skin, which is most of it. She looks like she's doing a virtuoso performance of the ballet The Death of a Swan. Having wings helps, but the repeated 'little deaths' helps her sell the performance.

My problem, if you want to call it that, is the ponies love to share, especially something they like. And the Great White loves how I'm making her feel. So she's insistent on sharing, and with a mane and tail like the Great White's, a hair shirt is something anybody would grow to love. Call me a furry, but a nice lady getting orgasm after orgasm from what I'm doing makes me hard and getting harder by the climax. No matter that only her voice is human like. In reply, I'm getting the best handjob I've ever had, by what feels like a dozen sets of mink mittens. It's making it hard to keep my cool and keep concentrating on working out her tension. But the pressure in my groin is flat out starting to hurt. I've got to hold it, I've got to hold it. She doesn't want me to, that's clear as well.

Then I commit arguably the worse case of Les Majestie I've ever heard of. But from the wings-up posture, and the cry of joy from the Great White, I think she forgives me for blowing my load all over her back, mane and tail. She keeps gently stroking my balls and softly squeezing my dick until I can't give anymore.

I don't care if I'm laying in a sticky mess, exhaustion and relief claim me as I finish. I catch the Great White looking over her shoulder with a genuine grin. Not the 'I have a trick', but genuine happiness. Maybe for getting and receiving what she's wanted from her ponies for so long. I wonder if her student understands just how much a cuddle means to the Great White.

She settles down to rest a bit herself, and her mane and tail prevent my feeble attempts to rise or move away. She snakes her neck around to let me see her still grinning. Again not the 'canary that is going to eat the cat' grin that she usually has, but a contented, toothy smile.

Then she reverted. Oh crap did she revert. She tones it down the instant she sees my reaction. But it was too late to run as she stood, steadied me with her wings and walks towards the bathroom. Still lying in the sticky mess of my own making, I consider how I could escape from whatever she has planned.

I'd probably live through it, but The Great White has a terrible ability to scare the everlovin' crap out of me. Not just because she's the oversized, sorcerer-queen of all she surveys, but because of how twisty her mind is. Pink is completely straightforward, Armor is about as devious as a howitzer barrage, and most of the others are babes in the woods compared to those two.

But the Great White seems to live and breathe doing the unexpected. Like painting a room by herself when tons of servants and admirers would gladly help, and frankly, flipping out about this sister I've never even heard of before. But I never heard of the pony type the Great White was either, before I met Pink.

The inside of the bathroom is a tub large enough for a couple of horses the size of the Great White to bathe in. It's empty at the moment. Arrayed in racks around the room are various bath salts, shampoos, brushes and other cleaning items. There's also a shower stall in the corner.

I slip off the Great White's back and investigate the shower. It has a hose attachment, probably to get those hard to reach spots, or to hose off the tile of the bathroom into the floor drains.

"Percy," the Great White calls, "I can run the tub."

I ignore her suggestion and get a hot but not uncomfortable stream from the hose and select one of the shampoos. I wet her down and then begin rubbing the shampoo on her back. She snickers and wets her mane and tail. She adds a dollop of a different, very flowery shampoo to her tail and proceeds to use that to soap me down. Especially the sticky mess on my chest. She lets out a few, low moans as I clean her body, and she cleans her mane and tail, and me.

She seems a little disappointed that I don't take advantage of her and launch a tickle attack. Frankly, I'm more than a little weary, and getting rambunctious in a room with a hard floor and a very large, four-foot deep, cement-lined hole is not a wise idea. Rinsing her off with the hose, and her rinsing me off with a bucket drawn from the taps in the tub get us both serviceably clean.

"Percy," she begins, then frowns, "I guess I can ask you to trust me later."

I rub her cheek, she takes this as affirmation, if not outright agreement. Her horn glows and I brace for whatever comes next.

OMG SHE GORGEOUS HOW DID I NOT SEE THAT I've got, wait a second, how did she go from pretty horse-thing, to 'I've got to get between her thighs?' Then I see her expression is pretty much matching the thoughts going through my head a few moments ago, and in her case still are. A look at myself answers all questions. The red body so deep it's practically black at the edges, and the mane and tail looking like the night-sky's starfield are the first clues. Oh dear God, I'm her Marty Sue fan-fic character made flesh. The 'franks and beans', not safe for children 'cutie mark' really seals the deal. I look back at her with a raised eyebrow, and the unbridled carnal lust has given way to some embarrassment.

"Ah, it's what I thought about," the Great White admits, "And you can talk. If, ah, you're uncomfortable, I can change you back. It's temporary anyway. And you don't have to be so gentle," she adds the last with a little pout.

I'm okay with it, the talking part will be a plus, but first a little fun. "Percy just bowl for ponies' pleasure," I say, lower my head and pout a little myself. When she looks crushed, I grin a little. She splashes me with the hose.

I shake off the water and fluff out my wings. Wings? I guess the action is instinctive and comes with the body. I snort and paw the ground as I've seen horses do. "WO-man!" I call in my best 'caveman' tone. I trot over wild-eyed, staring at her and chuckling slightly.

She sits her butt down in a corner and stares at me fearfully. "Now, Percy," she says. Her worry evident as she makes placating gestures.

I approach step by step, her eyes grow as my mad expression grows worse. Hey, turnabout is fair play. She lowers her head and her horn glows. I touch hers with mine and rub gently as I sit down.

" 'And you don't have to be so gentle'," I say, "The Great White want Percy in the pit, all." She face hoofs as I roar and snarl and bear my 'fangs', all the while gently rubbing my horn against hers. "Percy can do. When Percy fights, and ponies make lots of noise, Percy gets more food, warm, sleeping cloth, extra bath, Percy can do here too."

Poor lady's in tears. Both from my honest desire to make her happy, and the brutal candor of my revelation. I use my wingtips to brush away her tears. They're the only part of this new body than I'm sure won't give her a black eye by accident.

"Percy, why?"

"Percy want to live," I tell her, "Ponies make noise, Percy gets matches that Percy can live with. Percy learn what makes ponies noisy, and give it to them."

"You mean, applause," she says and stomps her hooves.

"And." I try to clumsily laugh. It's harder than it seems. "Sometimes get some ponies make one noise, other ponies making another. If they all loud, Percy gets food, sleeping cloth, baths." Now I smile wistfully. "Even pretty woman to keep." I shake my head. "No, the Great White wants Percy of the pit, I not hurt her, but you want scared," I tell her as I stand up and get back in character.

"Percy, why me?" she asks.

I sit down again. "Pink and the Great White first ponies who are always nice. No whip, just hard look when bad. Understand sad, hard look is Percy bad, not need whip. Not have to keep happy to stay alive, but want to make happy."

"What about Shining Armor, he's been kind to you," she says. When I stare in confusion, she adds, "Pink's mate."

"Oh, he not hurt Percy, but he kill my mate and child."

The Great White is thunderstruck by the revelation that this happened, and that I know about it, and seem utterly detached about it. "Aren't you, angry about it?" she asks with the care a bomb squad member normally takes with a suspicious package.

I shrug. "Ponies kill humans always."

She stares at me in horror, tears running down her cheeks. "Is that connotation, or denotation?" she asks, seemingly to herself. "You don't rage against the murderer of your mate and child, because it was a pony, and that's what ponies are?"

When I nod, she does what I've started think of as an alicorn hug, wings, forehooves, and mane. Pink does it to Armor, now the Great White is doing it to me.

When our manes entangle, I can feel her, her sorrows, her joy, not in the past, just as she's feeling them now. I can also see my own, like ever-changing paint in a tank of water, changing, touching, mixing, but I could tell the colors were which emotion. Yet I could also see the real world around me. I gathered that being 'safely scared' is what the Great White wants. Typical of all I've heard of Nightmare Night. But my little revelation killed any romance for the night.

"Percy, can you come back tomorrow night?" she asks, "And help 'the Great White' with the decorating?"

"Change paint. Too much blue."

"But she loves blue," the Great White says.

I collect several sections of her mane. "Blue, blue, blue," I tell her, "But not all one blue." I gesture at the walls. "All one blue. All blue, but not all one blue."

She face hoofs again. "You're right, and thank you. I appreciate your help."

With that, I'm back to being a human again. A very tired human. She carefully lifts me onto her back and walks towards the door. There, she stops and considers. Only when I try to slide off her back, so she won't be seen acting as a steed to a human, does her resolve firm and she firmly puts me back on her back and walks towards Pink's apartment.

It's dark out and from the lack of lights outside, most of the parties have either broken up or moved inside. Entering Pink's apartment unannounced, the Great White walks right into the middle of one. Muttonchops and a mare who's probably his wife, Pink, Armor, the four guards and two ponies I've never seen before. Both gray, although the male is bluer, the mare with a two-tone mane, and the stallion with just a dark blue mane.

"Twilight Velvet, Night Light," the Great White greets them, "I want to put Percy to bed, and then I have a rather macabre subject to discuss."

None of the others argues, although Pink does help tuck me in.

"How can you keep your hooves off him," the Great White asks, "He's so adorable."

"Shining is almost as cute," Pink replies and the mares chuckle.

The conversation becomes hushed, but I can still hear bits and pieces. Both Pink and Armor know that Armor poisoned my 'family' and he feels terrible about it, and the suffering of all the humans they put down. The other stallion I didn't recognize tells him that he did better than many others. Sounds like my dad giving me poor advice when he didn't know what to say.

Then the Great White drops the bomb. 'Did you know that he knew?' And I'm praying that this doesn't become 'does he know that we know that he knew we didn't know he knew we knew?'

I get my wish. There is dead silence among the ponies. " 'Ponies kill humans always'," the Great White adds, " 'Not have to keep happy to stay alive, but want to make happy.' I think we have not been the friends we would desire to have."

The others' comments are too hushed for me to hear.

It's morning, I'm still in my bed, and I instantly realize I've overslept. There's no clock in here, but the angle of the sun means I missed breakfast and I might be late for training. I scramble for the door to my room, as I wonder why no one woke me, and a thousand bad scenarios go through my mind. A phalanx of familiar, grinning ponies is not what I expect on opening the door.

"You didn't go out for Nightmare Night," Left-Front says.

I suddenly have an urge to slam the door and nail it shut from the inside. A few friendly pushes with a large side-order of nuzzle gets me out into the living room, despite my attempt to head for the door to get to the training grounds. It slowly dawns on me that none of the ponies, mares or stallions, is dressed for practice.

On the table in the living room there's a small bowl of fruit, and bless my soul, a steak with mushrooms and Swiss cheese. The steak is smaller than a burger would be, but I know how uneasy ponies are about humans eating meat, although cats, dog, and griffons don't induce such worries. Rumors that 'meat-fed, handful in bed' is the major reason. I think that the humans given a better diet are just healthier and happier.

I look at all the expectant faces around me. I remind myself that I've got a steak in front of me, but I take a risk, gesturing for the utensils that accompany a plate. I'm usually fed out of a bowl.

"Percy and his patterns," Pink says and chuckles, "Am I going to be the only spontaneous one in this whole family?"

Armor looks shocked and offended.

Pink returns with a fork and a steak knife.

Five years without practice have made me a little rusty, but there's no way I'm wasting a bit of this steak.

"The way he picks things up is uncanny," Muttonchops breathes.

"Are you sure you didn't have an older brother nopony talks about?" Pink asks Armor, "You're so much alike: stoic, brave, and so cute and cuddly."

Armor takes the ribbing in stride, but sends a glare at Muttonchops suggesting serious repercussions if it leaves this room.

I keep savoring the steak. Nothing is going to distract me from this. So tender I could probably have cut it with a sharp look, the mushrooms perfect, and the cheese adding a nutty sweetness.

"Oh, hello your Highness," Parasol says, "Princess Cadence, it's Prince Blueblood."

Oh, swing and a miss, nice try, even with his reputation, I'm not through enjoying this.

"Oh, hello Cadence, and Shining." I couldn't manage that change in tone if I found a billion-dollar lottery ticket, then stepped into a septic tank. The self-absorbed unicorn constantly known as Prince ponces in. "Ah, you took my advice. I find that a special treat works wonders. Have to balance the carrot and the stick."

The steak was HIS idea?! Okay, new rule, don't taunt the universe, it's bigger than you are.

"By Celestia's mane, is he actually using a knife and fork?" Blueblood asks, "And a napkin?! How did you ever manage that?"

"By withholding the stick," Cadence says brightly, "But I do thank you for suggesting such a wonderful carrot."

"Yes, of course," Blueblood says, "Well, court should be a much happier place today. Ta."

"Ta," Cadence and Armor say together. The smiles vanish the instant the door is closed, and everyone except me stares at it for a while, willing it to stay closed. I'm glancing around, and keeping a watch on my steak.

"Sergeant," Armor says to Muttonchops, "You said you could turn any pony into an officer and a gentlestallion."

"Yes, sir. But whole ponies, not just the back end," Muttonchops replies.

Okay, I'll stop challenging you, just let me finish my steak, please?

The soft, short-sleeved, shirt and longer, less scratchy kilt are new, and much appreciated. Both are marked with Pink's cutie mark, as are the saddlebags I'm carrying for her as she tours the court and the halls of the palace. I have yet to figure out the purpose of this little jaunt. It seems completely random to me.

Many of the maids and servants, even an occasional soldier runs up to drop something in the saddlebags, and sometimes to give me a kiss, then darts away. The Minotaur ambassador is a good deal more forthright. Giving me a Soviet-style bearhug and kiss on each cheek. Then he laughs when I hiss at him as he tries it on Pink, but bows and kisses her upraised hoof. He walks away laughing, while Pink both grins and scolds me for threatening an ambassador.

I've already decided that the day after Nightmare Night is Crazy Day.

Most of the presents I fish out of the bag and offer to Pink, the vast majority are cookies, candy, the occasional apple or pear. All these Pink urges on me, I give a concerned look and return most of them to the bag. The kisses and overheard comments about 'the magic rod for Celestia' and comments that 'Cadence is indeed the Princess of Love' are causing both of us to start blushing. It does explain why the presents, if the Great White were even a fraction of the crazy I saw last night to the ordinary folks, I can understand why the whole court is overjoyed at her stress relief.

I vaguely wonder what they'd say if I told them that Celestia wanted my decorating help, more than getting her pipes cleaned. I mean after they panicked about a human actually speaking.

The absolutely beaming workpony drops in a pair of sandals, those I offer to Pink, and she stops and insists I put them on. I have no problem with that, and sit down on the edge of the corridor near a corner to put them on with Pink's help. Someone drops something in the bag, and I dutifully fish it out to offer to Pink.

She looks at the avocado as if I'm offering her a live rattlesnake. Hey, I don't like them either, but aren't you overreacting?

"Who gave you that?" she asks angrily, then turns to her guards, "Who gave him that?"

Ostensibly, I'm backing away from her anger, but I do stand, and can look over the top of most ponies. Okay genius, if you spot him/her, how do you tell anyone?

The moron does me the favor of seeing me look at him/her, and begins barging through the crowd. That's all the four guards need, the pegasi take flight, the unicorns are desperately trying to keep up with Pink who has murder in her eye.

I race after them, with the advantage of running through the space they'd already cleared. From Pink's angry shouts, someone forgot that love can be turned very easily into something darker and very nasty.

The pegasi guards, along with a few reinforcements, cut off the fleeing pony's retreat, as Pink and another group close the circle. The pony flares her wings and holds up a small vial.

"Who are you?" Pink shouts at her, definitely a she-pegasus, "Percy never hurt you!"

"But your boyfriend did," the pegasus replies.

I've seen too many Batman episodes and ninja movies to stand here while the villain escapes under a smokescreen. I dive over the cordon as the pony's leg goes down, and hit her as the smokescreen spreads. I close my eyes against the possibility of teargas, but I'm on top of the pegasus as we slide across the floor. The smoke is a choking agent instead of a tear gas, so the guards are scattering and slowly refocusing on us.

The sneer on the pegasus' face ends as I bash her head hard on the floor. As she lays there presumably with little alicorns circling over her head, I dislocate her wing, then her other wing. Before she can wake up enough to scream, I clamp her mouth closed and dislocate her fetlock, knee and shoulder. She's fully conscious as I do the same to the second foreleg. She's actively trying to scream in agony and squirming as her back legs' knees and her hips get the same.

As I step away, my job done, the guards are staring at the now-screaming pegasus as she helplessly flops around, any movement sending a jolt of agony through her body. I walk over to Pink, who looks at me with a touch of fear as I touch her. But it vanishes as she realizes I'm checking to make sure she's all right.

Armor, Blueblood and a phalanx of guards approach, and look over the entire scene.

"I'm all right," Pink assures Armor. "She gave Percy an avocado, he obviously thought it was an attack on me. So he made sure she couldn't escape."

Muttonchops looks over the whimpering pegasus who is doing her utmost not to even breath. "Lad doesn't go in for half measures does he?" he says, the injuries meeting his approval, "And all needing just a good doc and a few weeks rest to put right." He leans close to the pegasus. "You're lucky he got you first, lass," he says, "The rest of us would have been less painful and more permanent."

I fish into the bag and offer Pink a handful of cookies. She smiles, then starts crying again as she hugs me. I put the cookies back in the bag and hug her back. When Armor wanders over to remind me that's his fiance I'm hugging, I hug him until his eyes bugle and kiss him on both sides of his muzzle.

Armor backs away suddenly. "I thought we agreed to keep him away from the Minotaur ambassador," Armor says as he tries to regain his breath, "You know how fast he learns."

Pink keeps happily crying, holding me. She doesn't say anything to give any clue to her thoughts, only her emotions show.

The pegasus had been popped back together when Armor and I arrived in her hospital room. Pink was literally too angry to be trusted around the pegasus. I think that will pay dividends if some other noble gets grabby, no one can remember the last time Pink was furious. Even mildly sedated, the pegasus' agitation at seeing me is extreme.

"Keep that thing away from me! I have rights, you can't leave me alone with that!" she squeals.

Armor grins. "Oh, Percy won't hurt you. He understands you were trying to kill him, not Princess Cadence. He's actually here to apologize and make you feel better."

Her fear is now directed at Armor.

"But ya know, it's a scientific fact that a pony can only handle so much pleasure. The ponies who owned Percy used to let him wander around the cages. Like the jewelers who keep spiders in their display cases. Every so often we'd find a corpse they'd dumped, with the creepiest grin on her. Well, sometimes it was a stallion, but usually it was mares. She'd have a little bruising, that's expected, but no organs damaged, no broken bones, just really, really happy, and really, really dead."

Now she's afraid of me again.

"You have to have heard the rumors, about Princess Celestia being, tense, over the last few weeks. Well, she isn't tense anymore. I've never seen her happier," Armor tells the pegasus, who is now showing a lot of white in her eyes. "But she's an immortal, some say a goddess, with fantastic reserves of strength, endurance and magic. I can absolutely guarantee, you'll enjoy every moment of it. It'll be wonderful."

The pegasus is hearing armor's words, but she's staring at and whimpering about me as I just sit and placidly watch. I lick my lips occasionally, but I'm not threatening her.

"You know, there's nasty jokes that Princess Cadence got Percy to, well, because I wasn't enough. Truth is, she needed someone to keep her hoofmaiden and four guards all satisfied, she's so thoughtful."

She swings her head to stare at 'Smiling' Armor. "Five, all at once?" the pegasus squeaks and tries to crawl down under the covers.

"No, usually it's three, then two, but they rotate," Armor says, his hoof on his chin thoughtfully. "No, you're right sometimes it is all five. A couple of times it was all seven, I still haven't figured that one out."

The pegasus squeals and burrows under the covers.

"Now, now, you'll hurt his feelings," Armor says.

"His feelings!" the pegasus complains.

"I'm just going to leave you alone, he's real good at taking direction, so if there's anything you really wanted done to you. I'm sure he can do it. Be back in a little while." He waves as he leaves the room.

I know he's got someone watching either through the door, or with a pair of binoculars across the street. That doesn't matter. I stand, and ignore the desperate whimpers of this latest trouble in my life. Despite what Armor said, I'd dearly love to wring the truth out of this piece of feathered flotsam. So I get where the pony at the door, if any, and the pony across the street, ditto, can't really see me. I pucker up and lean close.

She stares at me, eyes wide and pleading. And I smile at her, a big, toothy grin. Humans can't smile, but I just did. She can yell or scream all she wants, but 'only intelligent creatures can smile', and I just did.

Her eyes roll up and she faints dead away. I return to my placid expression and walk out the door to summon Armor and another guard, indicating something amiss. They rush in and find the unconscious pegasus.

"I think he over did it," the other guard says, "Or you did."

"He was just trying to kiss her," Armor replies, "Not his fault or mine she panicked."

The pair exchange a laugh, but I know that pegasus will be looking over her shoulder for quite a while. I also know where I can get a helper to facilitate her persecution complex.

I wonder if that bird hates avocados as much as I do?

4S) Spartacus Is Off Visiting My Aunt (Side of Chpt 4)

I Am Not Spartacus - Spartacus Is Off Visiting My Aunt

by Dan's Comments

Based in the 'Your Human and You' universe by MadMaxtheBlack
This story is NOT canon with Your Human and You

DISCLAIMER: My Little Pony is the property of Hasbro, Inc.

Celestia looked at the paint-covered walls and despaired. She could mix the colors perfectly, but when it dried, it was never what it had been and was definitely not what it should have been. She looked at the painting in her hoof of her sister and her, from a happier time. After the defeat of Discord. Luna, dear Little Luna. So unsure, so fragile, is that what she was, Celestia wondered, Or was that just how I saw her? Did she resent me 'mothering' her even then, or was that later? What did I do wrong? What could I have done that would have made a difference? The responsibility was already crushing me. Was I being a good sister, taking all the dreary responsibilities, or was I hoarding power to make myself a martyr for her? I don't even know any more. She searched the slight pout and tried to fathom meaning across the centuries. What was her hating sitting for the picture, and what was the descent into madness?

She yanked her eyes away from the picture and looked around the room. Again, despair few would have ever thought she had descended on her. I wanted this to be perfect, she thought as she looked at the wall that once again mocked her efforts. Most powerful spell caster in Equestria, and color matching eludes me.

Desperation filled her mind. It has to be right. Why can't I get it right? She looked around at all the work still to go, and the time she had left. It will never be done. Incomplete will be worse than doing nothing at all. I could have the staff do it, like the arrogant monarch she accused me of being. I have to do this. But it has to be right!

Philomena's cough brought her around. Cadence's human stood gawking at the place. The anomaly stared in mute testament to her ineptitude and bad judgement.

As if to mock my failure with Luna ages ago, even a human can see my hideous failure here, she thought as an embarrassment suffused her. She fumbled her telekinesis, dropping the precious picture over the open cans and trays of paint. Whether she or Philomena squawked louder was a tossup. The phoenix dove for the precious picture even as Celestia dove for it.

The phoenix's talons closed and she spun in midair. Celestia tried to catch it mystically and physically, but was so uncoordinated both attempts missed.

Philomena's toss was straight and true, heading straight to Percy. Celestia found her emotions influx. She both wanted him to catch it and she didn't want him to touch it.

Despite being the best outcome she could hope for, Percy catching the painting and putting it unlooked at in the drawer next to him, Celestial felt an irrational anger, wanting to thrust him aside and recover the picture, or better hurl him from the room. Don't hurt him, he's done nothing to deserve you venting your frustrations on him, she told herself and managed to rein in her temper. Not all the way if his fearful expression was any guide. Then his expression turned to pity and her temper flared.

"Are you here to mock me as well?" she demanded.

Steady, steady, he's done nothing to warrant your anger. He just rescued your precious picture. For all you suspect, you don't know why he's here.

She lowered her head so she stared him in the eye. "Did you come to remind me how I failed?" She laughed at his confused expression. Her bitterness rose in her throat like bile as she heard the ponies outside, and knew it was being replayed all over Equestria. "Oh you don't know about the wonderful holiday everyone is celebrating," she said sweetly and smiled. She almost did laugh at the horrified expression from one who'd seen more horror at the hands of ponies than anyone in a more just universe should have to face.

Just tell him! If he is intelligent, then he'll understand, she heard some portion of herself shouting within her skull, If he can speak, he's hidden it completely for five years. He can keep your secrets.

She relented, and stared at him. Never once had his gaze jumped to the door and escape. His placid expression bored into her, seemed to infuse the madness within her with a detachment. It let her speak without giving in to the impulse to lash out at everything around her. "I started this travesty, to celebrate my sister, and all the work she did. Of course I held it at night, so that's when ponies would have to celebrate it." She steeled herself so she didn't scream the rest in fury. "Then they changed it into this, this atrocity. Could I change it back?" She lifted her hoof and stared at it. "It just twisted back and slipped away. Isn't that silly?"

She laughed bitterly, trying to hide her pain and outrage at the mockery going on around her. The failure of her small attempt to welcome her sister back. And those who would never understand what saving Equestria had cost her personally. She looked at the door, and cleared the way for him. "Aren't you going to run off and tell everyone? Aren't you?" She gestured with her head and horn towards the door. "Yes, run away. Run out among all the ponies screaming that Celestia has lost to the past. Celestia keeps talking about 'her'." Celestia raised her head and she felt like crying. "But no one even remembers who 'she' is. I did that. I'm an awful sister. Tell them all that I should have listened. I should have known." She pawed the floor and whispered. "But I didn't."

She gestured to the door, making 'shooing' motions with her horn. But Percy stood there, stared, and listened. Nothing broke his countenance, nothing changed his manner or stance, and he gave no indication he would flee from this alicorn who could feel her sanity running through her hooves like sand through an hourglass. Who felt betrayal, rage and terrible loneliness.

Throw him out of here, he doesn't belong. Who does? You're doing such an excellent job, he could roll around in the paint and do a better one, she felt the thoughts battering around the inside of her head like balls on a pool table.

She felt rage at all the know-nothings who'd suggested 'all Celestia needs is a good fuck to get her head straight'. As if they'd understand that a roll in the hay would solve everything, she thought, And how would that be right. Is he really smart enough to understand? It always disgusted me that nobles would steal each other's humans, and leave the bewildered creatures as a calling card of the endless games. He is Cadence's. I have no right to him. And if he could understand, I have no right to even ask. He might 'agree' simply to avoid punishment. After all I did to Luna, I cannot do that to even a human. I can't ignore their wants and needs.

But you can ignore your own? she heard within her mind, How does that make up for Luna?

"After Discord, and Sombra, and the Windingoes, I had nothing left for my poor sister." She couldn't stop shaking. Not her voice or her body.

Why do you share with him? He doesn't care, none of them care. None of them can understand. You pour your heart out to someone with no more idea on what you had to do than the flowers of the field. They will all be here and gone in an instant and none the wiser for having been here. They nearly destroyed themselves when they controlled everything. Your sister was destroyed when just part of the burden fell on her. You've failed to uphold what you wanted and preached. Do you think any of them care? This creature standing before you will be gone in an eye blink and do you think he could understand the slow grinding of the years?

She looked at Percy, and his damned, placid expression. A doll, a toy for others to play with, not a person, not an intellect or a will of its own. A thing to be filled with all the hopes and dreams, but all of them would leak out in an eye blink. "But you don't know. You don't care. You just came in to laugh at me. The poor, pony princess possessed by primeval passions of passed prospects." She laughed at him, then smiled.

For the briefest flicker, she saw fear. And part of her wanted more. NO! she thought just as the blow fell, He's done nothing! He came out of concern. She caught him with her magic, and lowered him to the floor, but let him slide across the polished surface. He has a will. He came here, of his own free will. Why am I so angry? Because you betray everything and everyone you touch. You are going to sacrifice Twilight who loves you like a mother, in the hopes of regaining Luna, who you sacrificed to defeat the enemies of the ponies. And you sacrificed your own integrity, allowing atrocities like those who walk the court every day. You say he's done nothing? He is everything you failed to do! You are angry because you've sacrificed all that mattered to you, for creatures who could do this to a being like him. Look at him. LOOK AT HIM! He and all his kind just want to love ponies, to be part of their community, and you sacrificed your sister for creatures who would look at him and destroy him for their own amusement. For a creature, who on receiving a little kindness was willing to die in the service of Cadence, your niece. In a thousand years, your ponies have not advanced beyond the cruelty they inflicted on his ancestors. Yet here he is, trying to help you. YOU HAVE UTTERLY FAILED EVERYONE WHO CARED ABOUT YOU TO SERVE BEINGS NOT WORTHY OF YOUR CONCERN AND WHO WILL NOT CARE IF YOU ARE GONE TOMORROW!

No, my ponies are good, they are decent, they are, they are!

Ask him, you just threw him across the room and he stands there concerned about you! Not his own safety, not his life and happiness. Your ponies enslave these creatures, beat them, abuse them, kill them, and for what? A few moments surcease from their own emptiness?

No, they are good, she thought desperately, Which ones? The ones you'll sacrifice for the survival of the rest? Cadence, who's to go first against Sombra when her nation returns? Armor, who will fight where you tell him to fight and die where you tell him to die for the good of you and 'Equestria'? Twilight, who you are already planning to throw against Nightmare Moon on the wild off chance that you've guessed right about the Element Bearers? Those are the decent, valuable ones, and who'll be the ones you'll send to their destruction for the hangers on in Canterlot? That's what you've become, that's what you are. He's everything your precious ponies should be and aren't. In a thousand years, he's thrown off what your precious ponies have done to his kind, and your precious ponies have not advanced a step!

She realized she'd walked close to him, and she'd been looking at him without ever seeing him. Now she focused on him. "You hate me for all kinds of other reasons, don't you? What ponies, what have my ponies done to you? That's all my fault too? Isn't it? Isn't it?! ISN'T IT?!"

His response was to fall to his knees and raises his hands. He stayed there with downcast face, staring at the floor.

Is this what you wanted? she asked herself, Is this what you seek? You're no better than them, terrifying the helpless. Why not strike against those who truly make you feel this way? Why not cancel the holiday, ban all mention of it for a generation or two, and resurrect it as you wish? Oh, because you should have done that 200 years ago. Because the ponies needed their continuity, because you would have had to explain why the holiday offended you. Because you would have had to own up to yet another mistake in assuming your dear ponies would actually not turn everything into a horror, save what deserves to be!

She stifled her anger and gently raised his head with her horn. It hurt that he seemed to be ready to accept his death rather than fight tooth and nail as he had been defending Cadence and Armor on their first encounter. "You think I am gentle and kind, to so many, but I couldn't save my own sister." She moved her horn aside. She whispered to him, "Do you know what I'm going to do?"

I almost want him to attack, to punish me for what I have planned, she thought, It would make me feel better that someone felt outrage at my manipulation of those closest to me. Of weighing their lives against my sister's freedom, and finding them wanting. It is I who should be judged and punished, she thought and smiled at the thought that even a beating would make any difference.

"I'm going to send a mare I love like a daughter, a mare barely out of her fillyhood, off to fight the terrible monster that consumed my sister, and do you know why? Because I failed. All I could do is lock it away." She stepped back to look at the figure staring at her.

I want him to hate me for this, for what I'm doing, but he looks sympathetic, she thought, Will no one decry me for 'the lesser of two evils' or is Celestia's word all they need?

"But the trusting foal will go to her doom, or succeed, without ever knowing why," she said, hoping he'd understand, and that it would make him angry. She moved her head within his reach, and told him, "Because if I tell her, it won't work." She raised her head, and tried to think of something, anything she could say to tell him the truth, to make him angry. "I put a mare I love like a daughter, and my own sister together on one throw of the dice. Am I not angelic?" Her voice broke as he stared at her with nothing but sympathy. She bowed her head in shame. "Am I not kind and wise as those ponies all say?"

The pain of it all welled up, nothing had ever soothed that pain. She had lived with it, but today, it was fresh and raw. "Those ponies celebrating the monster who destroyed her, not the pony they should be honoring! Don't you want to be celebrating? Mocking all her achievements and talent? Celebrating her downfall? Celebrating my greatest failure? I wouldn't blame you. I wouldn't even stop you." She stared at him, and only sympathy lay on his face. She couldn't stand it anymore. She stepped out of the direct path to the door and gestured with a wing.

But he didn't race for the door, for the world of light and laughter outside. He took a step towards the madmare, and she realized why he wasn't afraid of her, and that was her fault too. "You hate me personally too, don't you? That's why you won't run from me. After all, ponies hurt you for so long and the ponies are my charge. You don't like me. You don't like them." She gestured at the door. "You're hurting me by not having fun. You want to hurt me in vengeance."

She invaded his personal space, trying to provoke a reaction, and to let him know it would be all right, she told him, "You want to hurt me, don't you. You're the only one who has a reason to hate me as so many do." He didn't react so she went further, she kissed him. "But you don't have to use knives, or teeth. Just laugh. After all, I'm the master of all I survey. It's stupid, putting this all together myself. I have servants who wouldn't make such a hash of it. As if my working on it personally will somehow make a difference in what I did," Celestia said as she stared at him, using everything she knew about humans to evoke an attack response, "As if using the symbol of our love and trust for one another to banish her in the moon will somehow be erased by a few personally chosen wall hangings and a little sweat equity."

She felt only fury at his expression, the glassy acceptance. He isn't stupid, he has to know what I'm doing. Or is he so smart that he fears punishment if he reacts, she thought, Everyone, every pony, every human must love Celestia, because I am wonderful, or is it because he pities me. That's almost too funny. A slave beaten, nearly broken, and he pities the High Queen.

She stared at him. "So laugh. It's so ridiculous, laugh! The beloved ruler of Equestria, will be hated by her blood kin, and she thinks this will make any difference. SO LAUGH!"

She reared back as he gently reached for her, as if to comfort her. "So you pity me. Am I not worth even your hatred?" she asks, "Is pity all you feel for me?"

His hand hangs half way to her, like a pegasus waiting for orders. As if he was trying to offer solace, but wanted her to accept it rather than thrust it on her unwanted.

No, I'm equipomorphizing his actions, she thought.

"Do you want to know what I've done?" she asked, trying not to laugh at the absurdity of explaining herself to anyone, let alone a clever human. "Ponies could never understand it. You could never understand it. You've never known betrayal. The evil you've faced is uniform, the same and never changing. I ignored and turned against my sister when she needed me most!"

He kept staring at her, nothing fazed him.

Maybe I was wrong, maybe he isn't smart. Just clever. He hears the tone, he sees the action, and he just reacts to that. A huge step up, but not fully sapient, she thought. Then he stepped forward, and she scrambled back away from the door.

"I won't try and stop you," she assured him and turned her head and her horn away from him. So she wouldn't watch him slip away.

Brave Celestia, so nobly letting your captive go. What do you want? How about consistency. If you were so interested in ponies not being afraid of you, why was your sister too afraid to bring her concerns to you. Is this human more important than her? No! Never! she thought, But did you give your sister a way out, before Nightmare forced your hand? Did you let her feel all the backbreaking weight, and understand why the ponies really loved you? I protected her! You shielded her from the price so all she knew was they loved you and could care less about her. I didn't. That's exactly what you did. He isn't running away from you because you're sympathetic. He isn't running away from you because you're just pathetic. A slave looks at the weakling with pity.

Celestia shook her head, and swung her tail, as if these voices were flies she could drive away. You can't even call on your allies. You can't send your soldiers and armies, you can't even consult with your experts for fear of what they'll do to her? The arrogance. You're afraid of what they'll think about you! No. You're afraid that if they see the real you, all they'll feel is pity and fear. Pity for what you did, and fear you'll turn on them.

Leave me alone! she shouted at voice.

Isn't that what you did to Luna, and look what you had to do to her? the voice told her.

Celestia cringed, then steeled herself. "Do whatever you want!" She paused, and reeled from the feeling of emptiness as she felt all her failures come crashing in on her.

I did the best I could. I am not perfect. I did the best I could, she thought, I can only try to make it up to the ones I've wronged. Ponies will love or hate me for their own reasons no matter what I do.

She confronted the deep desolation and self-recrimination that was the voices. "I don't care any more."

She felt the feather soft touch as Percy walked along beside her.

Does he know ponies, is he making sure I don't spring on him, Celestia thought, Wise, I am mad. Grief, guilt, loneliness. All of it. Over and over until it never stops. All the 'what ifs' until you doubt everything.

She looked over her shoulder at him. He's acting like a fancier buying a human, she thought, then gave a chuckle, Let him find out what every other 'stallion' who's tried that finds out. That Celestia loves her ponies more than them, that none of them can ever satisfy me. That they'll fade away and I'll continue. After everything I've done to him, it's not like he doesn't deserve the chance. Rut with a stinking human? You want me to be punished, what better way, but he doesn't stink, so will that do? She moved her tail out of the way and lowered her head in submission. Just someone else thinking they got one over on me, when I let them, because I deserve a punishment I never get.

The blow hit like a thunderbolt as he moved her tail up and over her croup. No! It can't be! she thought and shivered at what she'd felt in that brief instant. Love, sympathy, tenderness, not to Powerful, Terrible, Princess Celestia Solar, but to a woman, he was fond of. What kind of sick joke is this?

He seated himself on her croup. She turned to stare in confusion and watched him lay down on her back. She tried not to tremble as he reached for her withers. No, it's a trick, it's a trick, it's a trick! You don't deserve it, you've done nothing for him why would he care?! she thought as tears welled up and she looked away.

She felt her wings flutter as he worked, and her hooves raising and lowering as his hands worked on the knots, the tautness and as that tension unwound, she felt as if the memories she'd hidden away were released as well. As if the very tightness and anxiety were their prison. Playing in the fields as fillies. Luna lecturing her on the shapes that you could draw on star fields. Their successes and failures in alchemy and chemistry, especially both of them being the same shade of icky green for a month. Staying at Luna's bedside when she was sick and reading her 'boring' books on science. And Luna at her bedside, reading the romances and adventure stories she clearly hated to her bedridden sister. The voices were gone. Drown by a tide of good memories. Of all they'd done together. The only thread they managed was to remind her how good they were together, when they shared everything, and how the fall had begun when Celestia had 'protected' Luna from that.

If touching her tail had been a thunderbolt, him combing his fingers through her mane was the sun exploding. She could no longer deny it. He knew what he was doing, he was intentionally letting her feel what he felt towards her, and he loved her. As a friend, but it was there. No fear, no brown nosing, he saw someone he cared about in pain, and he was 'riding to the rescue'. He loved her, and he wanted her to know it. "P-Percy, don't, don't do that," she warned.

My sister loved me, and I picked my ponies over her. Twilight loves me, and I'm sending her into danger unimaginable. Cadence and Armor love me, and I will use them against Sombra. If you love me, I can't protect you anymore, the irony of it made her bow her head in shame. He ran his hands through her mane, and she tried, how she tried to push him away. Instead she felt her body reacting of it's own volition. And far more honestly. The terrible blush was only the first part of many. Her mane and tail were the worst, as if they had a mind of their own, and were reacting to a lover pleasuring them.

Celestia was beyond distractions and concerns. His hands brought relief from tension she didn't even know she had. His combing through her mane told her over and over that he cared, that he enjoyed the touch of her mane and tail stroking his bare skin. And as he worked, as if freed from captivity, happy memories of Luna, of Twilight, of so many others she thought she had forgotten in the decades and centuries that separate them. She softly called out the names of old friends, companions long lost, and even adversaries of honor and high character.

Her dark side rallied, as best it could. He loves you, does he know the fate of those who love you? The images of those, who like her stood for Equestria, but who had died in the service, tramped across her mind.

But against that, as if his hands freed them at her call, came the faces of those, those few she came upon, alive but beyond even her ability to help. They still loved Equestria, and what we should be, she thought.

They loved YOU, not your precious ideals, your precious little country, she shouted over the tide of memories, against the warm, soft comfort of so many friends over the years.

Of course they loved 'me', Celestia told her darker impulses, It is easier to love a symbol, a person, than an ideal. In battle, only generals fight for freedom, geographic integrity, and granny's apple pie. The soldier fights for the one beside her on the line, or the officer a few steps back. They couldn't love Equestria, so they loved me instead. Silence was her reply.

She felt free and loved for the first time in so long. A warrior who feared nothing, also loved her as a person, not her crown, and released delightful memory after wonderful reminisce, all the while exciting her body. She gently raised her wings and neck as far as they would go, and let out a soft nicker. Her breathing continued deep and strong, like her mightiest flight. She felt his excitement through her mane, and felt his erection pressing against her.

Thank you! For feeling me worthy, she thought as she bowed her head and wings that on paths of her despair, they had sent someone who truly loved her.

As embarrassing as it was, her body began reacting as if a stallion was mounting her. Her breathing grew quick as she felt her wings stiffening. Worse, she enjoyed feeling subordinate, and reveled in it, wanting more.

"Tighter, your legs, tighter," she gasped, and her mane and tail pressed on his legs in case he didn't understand the words. She gasped as he tightened, constricting her, reveling at the feeling of a stallion 'controlling' her, but also feeling his sympathy and simpatico with her. It felt wonder to just be a mare, not princess, not Celestia Solar, and not a self-repudiated godhead. Then he started rubbing her shoulders. She suddenly felt like he'd removed her skeleton. I know he's doing it, because he looked, and now he's rubbing harder, she thought and grinned at the idea.

He eased the constriction around her barrel, and let her sit gracefully, rather than collapse as her knees gave out. I remember, she thought as she remembered foalhood scuffles with Luna, friendly romps with friends like Percy who would let her put the crown away. Even a few stallions she could trust to get close. And that country mare who knew how to use her tongue for 'tasting' alicorns.

The first would have been embarrassing if she hadn't been buoyed up by her memories. A lowly guard, who was the first to find her after defeating Luna. In public, he seemed her harshest critic, but in private. She fluttered her wings as she remembered his touch, the slow, careful way he had of making her feel wonderful. He truly had spoiled for any stallion who'd come after.

He'd been what she needed to remind her of all the ponies who needed her, and all those who supported her. She felt herself gasping, the memories so vibrant, so real, amid Percy stroking her, running her flesh, feeling as they did made the memories so real, she could almost be reliving them.

She continued to surf through her reminiscences. The dark tide could only manage that what she was feeling wasn't real, only some, weirdly trained human was permitting it.

And who went to the effort to train him, she thought back through the fog of afterglow and continuing orgasms, And why on this of all nights did he come here to me? Who? Again, the darkness had only silence as an answer.

She felt Percy, not a human, as she is for a moment not an alicorn. She wanted him to feel the rapturous joy he has been helping her feel. He suddenly felt shock and embarrassment, over what was the single funniest thing she's encountered in generations.

I don't care if my back and tail are covered in a sticky mess, he earned the right, she thought as she looked over at the exhausted human lying on her back. Thank you, my friend, for bringing me back. For showing me the real mistake I made with Luna. She didn't need my strength. Of all the things I had, she desperately needed one thing. My weakness. She needed someone to need her, I did, but failed to tell her. I shall not make that mistake again. She bowed to him. Thank you my teacher. You have done me, and my sister a greater service than you know. She smiled at him again. I wonder how scandalized the elites of Canterlot would be if I gave him the Order of The Horn and nominated him for the Zeemangee Peace and Harmony Prize. That would be fun, possibly for him too.

Ramp it down, Tia. You're scaring him, she told herself, A hot bath will be just the thing for both of us. Maybe I can show him I'm not completely clueless about what humans like.

She walked to the bathroom, although Percy kept trying to 'escape'.

She let him loose in the bathroom. She watched closely. Watch him like you'd watch a pony, she told herself, See him that way, that's the way to see how intelligent he is. Not the mannerisms, not the silence, go a level beyond that. He isn't looking FOR something, he's looking AT everything. He seems to have completed his survey.

"Percy," she said and watched his reaction, "I can run the tub."

It's not the tub he's interested in, she thought. Then he pulled one of the long hoses from the shower, Well that proves he's no pony. He actually plans to clean up his mess. She snickered at that, as he wetted her mane and tail. She added a dollop of the floweriest, most froofroo shampoo to her tail and used that to soap him down. Darn, he isn't easily offended or embarrassed, she chuckled at that.

Then he upped the ante, continuing the massage along her back. Getting her all lathered up in more ways than one. She moaned as he worked. Her own work with her mane and tail reminding her how he enjoyed the contact, and the contest.

Do I dare?! Try it? Is it fair? she asked herself. She half-expected her darker impulses to scream their denunciations. Great, now that I want a cautionary voice, you're silent.

"Percy," she began, then frowned, "I guess I can ask you to trust me later."

He touched her cheek, rubbing softly. She leaned into the soft pressure. "I guess that's a yes." The spell was one of Luna's experiments, but afer the first 'recipient' attacked them in utter terror, then threw himself from the parapets, they agreed to stop testing.

The spell worked, the human it worked on couldn't handle it, I'm sure Percy can.

"It's all right, we developed," Celestia said, bracing to prevent suicide or self-mutilation, "By the Horn, I don't think I've got the same problem." She nervously took a step back from the lust-addled alicorn stallion. She felt her own heart beating acting faster. And then she felt herself 'winking'.

Why'd I have to make him so wonderfully luscious?! she thought as she felt her hips sway just from looking at him. Okay, we're both, gorgeous, sexy adults. Get control of yourself or you'll start squealing like a school filly. She nearly face hoofed as she realized, By the Horn, Hoof, and Wing, I've fallen in love with a human. I should have known Cadence would do something like this. I have got to quit underestimating that mare.

I could explain, and make the spell permanent. No, that's not fair to him, I've really got to get control of my hormones, then I can tail, TALK to him without being . . . oh you are yummy and big aren't, distracted. But can I make'em, or can't I? She snorted and thought she saw steam coming out of her nose.

"Ah, it's what we thought about," Celestia explained, driving out the thoughts of him 'punishing' her for her presumption, "And you can talk. If, ah, you're uncomfortable, I can change you back. It's temporary anyway. And you don't have to be so gentle."

Oh good grief, I'm completely losing it, she thought and sighed, What was the story where the sculptor fell in love with her own statue?

He pouted. "Percy just bowl for ponies' pleasure."

Celestia felt completely crushed. How could I, is he smiling? She sprayed him with the hose. And he shook the water all over the place. "NO!" she shouted, then frowned. The frown died a terrible death a moment later.

"WO-man!" he called, exactly as most ponies would expect.

Celestia found herself instinctively backing up. I wanted to be dominated, not ripped asunder, she thought as he snorted, and trotted over, chuckling at her distress.

She shoved her butt in the corner and made placating motions. "Now, Percy," she said. Her fear at his insane expression warring with her fear of his 'enthusiasm' which was visible, quite as large as she hoped/feared and primed for action. The fact her back end was very much in favor of swapping ends and weathering the storm didn't help.

Fear gave way to determination. As he advanced with a wanton expression, she braced herself to cast a spell to stun him. Why don't you just change him back? came to her unbidden. Idiot, she thought.

Then his horn touched hers rubbing softly. " 'And you don't have to be so gentle'," he repeated what she'd told him. He grinned as he sat down, never breaking contact between their horns, so she could feel what he felt. The urge to stand up and turn around was almost overwhelming.

"The Great White want Percy in the pit, all." He roared, and snarled and bared his teeth in every threat display she remembered in nature, all the while gently rubbing his horn against hers.

She facehooved as she realized, He's been playing a role his entire life. It's not hard to guess he'd play a role here, but one thought intruded, How did he know what role to play?

He must have seen her confusion, because he continued explaining, "Percy can do. When Percy fights, and ponies make lots of noise, Percy gets more food, warm, sleeping cloth, extra bath, Percy can do here too."

All Celestia could feel was horror. She looked at him smiling softly at her and brushing away her tears. He isn't angry about it, he's just - accepting, she thought as he tenderly comforted her, That's almost worse. Why can he manage no outrage, why can't he be angry about what has happened, why can't he want vengeance on those who did this? He's killed those in the pit, he could do the same here, to the nobles who've supported this.

"Percy, why?"

"Percy want to live." His shrug felt like a stab in her heart. "Ponies make noise, Percy gets matches that Percy can live with. Percy learn what makes ponies noisy, and give it to them."

The fire in her loins had become ice, and she felt like a clod of lead had taken refuge in her stomach. She desperately tried to understand how he could have every reason for fury, yet there was none. "You mean, they applaud?"

No, you know darn well what he means, she thought, Quit trying to sugar coat it. Take your medicine like a good foal and the pain will only last for a little while.

He made a sound she guessed was laughter. It was a braying, mocking sound that spoke of enjoying the suffering of others, not laughter at something funny. "Sometimes get some ponies make one noise, other ponies making another. If they all loud, Percy gets food, sleeping cloth, baths." He stroked her cheek with a wingtip and smiled wistfully. "Even pretty woman to keep."

Celestia felt ill. You wanted to know, do you still? she asked herself, What now? Leave him an alicorn, breed him back into the population, treat him exactly like he's always been treated, as a thing, but because you are doing it, for his good and the good of his people that somehow makes it better? You want to share the burdens with Luna, this is one, and even you are recoiling from what is obviously the right thing: drag him before the court, give him special status and guards to prevent his mistreatment, and let him live his life as he chooses. But you don't have the stomach for that, do you? You have to fix this. You can't trust him to live his own life because you understand better.

"The Great White wants Percy of the pit." He nuzzled her, shocking her more, because she could feel his desire to see her happy. He was happy to be someone he wasn't, just to make her happy. "I not hurt her, but you want scared."

She didn't see a monster standing up, despite the convincing performance. She saw a sage, who looked at the dark aspects of ponies, and weathered it by catering to it. "Why me?" she asked.

He dropped the monster, but the sage still remained. "Pink and the Great White first ponies who are always nice. No whip, just hard look when bad. Understand sad, hard look is Percy bad, not need whip. Not have to keep happy to stay alive, but want to make happy."

She nearly did cry when he said that. "What about Shining Armor, he's been kind to you?" She regretted the question the instant it was out of her mouth.

No, I don't want to know. Yes you do. He's just a human, if he's a threat to your Captain of the Guard, you get to prove you're as pony as anyone else. No. I wouldn't do that, she mentally argued, Put a human's life above a pony's? Above a pony the nation needs? Please, you cannot lie to yourself.

"Pink's mate," she added to prompt his response. His expression was dismissive, and she could relax slightly.

"Oh, he not hurt Percy, but he kill my mate and child."

He knows!? Celestia thought, He knows and he's done nothing?! I've got to warn Shining Armor . . . wait, he knew, and still defended 'Armor' and 'Pink' against me. Does he really not care? Is that why Cadence's power doesn't work? He's dead to love? He can feel fondness, a desire to bring joy to others, but he feels nothing? I know humans can feel love, but . . . after all we've done, he cannot anymore? We did this? This can't be.

"You aren't angry about it?" she asked, afraid of any answer she might get. What she gets was worse than her greatest fear.

He shrugged. "Ponies kill humans always."

She shied back from the mild tone and matter-of-fact expression, as if he were discussing tomorrow's weather after the weather team made its report. The simple acceptance of atrocious treatment stood against everything she stood for and believed. "Is that connotation, or denotation?" she asked.

Don't ask your next question, unless you want to hear the answer, came the warning, I thought you wanted to punish me, here it is. He would clearly service me, even die for me, all I have to do is ask. And what have the ponies I sacrificed my own sister to protect done to him and thousands like him? You tormented me with dark images and thoughts, and before me is one who's seen and dealt with worse, with none of the hope I have. Are you now afraid that he will cut my soul deeper than you ever could? He has withstood worse that what summoned Nightmare Moon, he survived worse than what Sombra had planned for all ponies, would even Discord face him undaunted? No wonder you are afraid. But I am not. I can only offer him one thing, and I embrace the chance, but first I will hear his answers.

"You don't rage against the murderer of your mate and child, because it was a pony, and that's what ponies are?" Celestia asked and braced herself for the answer. She felt the dark collection of doubts and recriminations flee back to the darkest corners of her mind in dread.

He simply nodded. She steeled herself and gathered him in. Wrapping him up in her grip. Then I will protect you, she thought, I can never make up for it, but I can promise it will never happen again.

Celestia gasped at the richness of his thoughts and emotions as their manes entwined. And through it all, a tenderness for those who had treated him well. Strangely, there was a deep powerful vein of what in a pony would be a theatricality. A love of the role, of delighting those he regarded as worthy. His feelings for her were undiluted, and genuine. It took her breath away. The effect made her woozy.

"Percy, can you come back tomorrow night?" she gasped, finding her body again responding to the very male presence caressing and comforting her, "And help 'the Great White' with the decorating?"

He nodded, then cocked his head and told her, "Change paint. Too much blue."

"But she loves blue," she said in confusion.

He touched her mane and pointed to sections. "Blue, blue, blue, but not all one blue." He gestured at the walls. "All one blue. All blue, but not all one blue."

She grinned, but bowed her head in chagrin. "You're right, and thank you. I appreciate your help." She canceled the spell and returned him to human form. She saw how tired he was.

The transformation, and all the excitement can't have been easy on him. She lifted him onto her back, and squirmed slightly at all the little signals a male pressing his weight down on her sent to instincts. LATER, she practically shouted at them.

When they reached the door to the corridor, he tried to slide off, so she wouldn't be seen acting as a beast of burden for a human. Enough of that, she thought, and held him in place, It's Nightmare Night, I can tell them it's a costume.

She looked at the small party that was winding down in Cadence's apartment. She smiled to Cadence and Armor, Armor's parents, and several of their friends. "Cadence, Shining Armor, Twilight Velvet, Night Light, I want to put Percy to bed, and then I have a rather macabre subject to discuss." It was clear they had a huge number of questions to ask, but they decided to wait.

Cadence accompanied her to see Percy safely to bed. "How can you keep your hooves off him?" Celestia teased her niece, "He's so adorable."

Cadence considered, then explained, "Shining Armor is almost as cute."

Both princesses chuckled. Cadence waggled her eyebrows at Celestia, who blushed furiously, but shook her head 'no'. Cadence's jaw dropped. Celestia gestured for her to follow.

She looked at the family, and the guards, and decided to just dive in. "I used a spell so I could communicate with him."

"Communicate with a human?" Twilight Velvet said, "That can't have been very interesting."

"It was far more interesting than you might think, and very insightful," Celestia said, she looked at Shining Armor. "You researched the raid on his first owners, the one where you began to petition changing the way humans from the fighting pits were handled."

"Yes, the dosage was wrong," Armor said, "They suffered terribly."

"One of the ones who died badly, was Percy's mate, and she lost their child while she was dying."

Shining backed up, his ears pinned back.

"The frightening thing is, he knows, and doesn't hold it against you," Celestia said.

"What?" Cadence gasped.

"He knows that Shining Armor killed his mate and child, and he holds no animosity towards him for that," Celestia said flatly.

Twilight Velvet and Night Light looked horrified.

"Like I said, interesting," Celestia said.

"But that's not possible," Cadence said, "He fought to protect us, he nearly died protecting Shining Armor." She looked around. "Why would he do that?"

"I think you can figure that out," Celestia said, "You just hate the answer as much as I do."

"This is the 'Crimson Death'?" Night Light asked, "Maybe, he should be transferred to the Guard."

"He's the guard commander's bodyguard," Cadence said. "I am not going to toss him into the barracks, or a holding pen after he's proved he is safe to us."

"Until he snaps," Night Light said, "Don't look at me that way. It's happened."

"I would think he's past that point," Cadence said, she glanced at Celestia. When Celestia nodded, Cadence finished, "After the ringleaders announced they'd tossed those kids off the side of Canterlot, Percy comforted Armor. Then in the dead of the night, someone slipped past the guard and snuck in here. The only one left between us and the interloper was Percy."

"He attacked a powerful spellcaster with nothing but a few rolls of toilet paper and fire poker. Even badly injured, he wouldn't let the assassin past," Celestia said, "Then when Cadence neutralized the intruder, Percy turned and attacked a second assassin who had come in through the window."

"I knew about the window," Night Light said, "Why was no one informed about the spellcaster?"

"Because one doesn't tell a colonel of the Royal Guard's Search and Seizure branch that a lone human fought off Celestia Solar to defend his son from her. There were enough misinterpretations and shying from shadows that night. Besides, once it was clear I was 'inside', Percy helped insure that I would not be vulnerable a second time."

The poor colonel looked stunned.

"I won't have him put down for a mistake on both sides," Cadence said. She looked at Celestia. "What did he say about why he hasn't done anything to Shining? If he knew, why didn't he do something?"

Celestia pursed her lips. "He said 'Ponies kill humans always'," Celestia said, and looked at the colonel, "It seems you have at least one person here who wouldn't have a problem with putting a human down at even the hint of trouble. Even expects it as normal."

"That's terrible," Cadence said and glanced back to Percy's room.

"It certainly doesn't speak well of us," Velvet said.

"He should be closely watched," Night Light said.

"I agree," Cadence said, then looked around, "He is very protective. That could get him in trouble."

"I think I'll change your guards' tasking," Armor said, "I don't think you need close in defense, just someone to keep the gap open."

Cadence frowned but nodded.

Twilight Velvet sighed. "So, did you talk about anything pleasant?"

Prince Blueblood approached the door and checked himself over carefully before knocking. The rumors about the human Cadence had picked up had reached his ears and he'd wanted an excuse to get a look at him. There were too many anomalies about the Crimson Death that had only one simple answer: preternatural intelligence.

Most ponies will miss it, he thought, But the results from the Institute, combined with the reports from the Warmasters give the best chance of him being an atavism. I have to be sure. Parasol answered the knock. The sour look was replaced by a professional smile, but he didn't care. Some things were more important.

"Oh, hello your Highness," Parasol said and turned to warn the others, "Princess Cadence, it's Prince Blueblood."

"Oh, hello Cadence," he said brightly, but the nauseating scent of cooked meat caught him off guard, "And Shining." He steadied himself and noted the steak with mushrooms and Swiss cheese that Percy seemed adamantly determined to enjoy, even if the universe brought the castle down around his ears. "Ah, you took my advice. I find that a special treat works wonders. Have to balance the carrot and the stick."

He had to stare for a moment as to cover the sudden spike of hope. The universe couldn't have delivered a more perfect specimen into my reach if I'd asked, he thought, not bothering to hide his expression.

"By Celestia's mane, is he actually using a knife and fork?" Blueblood asked, "And a napkin?! How did you ever manage that?"

Please, some clever lie, tell me you don't know either, tell me this gift from the past has you as mystified, he thought as he looked at Cadence.

"By withholding the stick," Cadence said brightly, "But I do thank you for suggesting such a wonderful carrot."

Bless you. There's still time, and a haven when I fall, he thought and gave her a genuine smile, I have plans for you both my friends. Such magnificent plans.

"Yes, of course," Blueblood said, "Well, court should be a much happier place today. Ta."

He turned and left before he betrayed anything, and before he could have a little spell. They came more frequently, and worse when he got excited. And he was positively effervescent now.

"Ta," Cadence and Armor said together.

And their smiles vanish the instant the door is closed, he thought but proceeded towards his own apartment. The young adult nuzzled him as she walked. More proof of his 'perversion'.

"Yes, Buttercup, he's everything you told me. You did well," he said, "It can work. It has to."

Cadence watched Percy admire the clothes. She knew she shouldn't feel like squealing with delight. But it still feels like having successfully found a gift for the hard to shop for, she thought as she stifled the impulse to dance in place. The entire kit, including the saddlebags had her cutie-mark. I want people to know, he's mine and don't mess with him. That's what Celestia's for, she thought and giggled at that.

"You missed Nightmare Night so this should make up for it," she told him as they left the apartment.

The guards, and especially the maids all smiled on seeing him. The poorly kept secret that her Highness' cheerier attitude was due to this human and the time he spent with her made him very popular. She could hardly keep from laughing at his completely confused expression at the little gifts and occasional kisses he was getting. He would fish out whatever had been added to the saddlebags, and offer it to her. Usually it was cookies, or a piece of fruit. She grinned and gestured for him to keep it.

Oh no, she thought on spotting the approach of the Minotaur ambassador. The huge creature seemed overjoyed that Celestia had become 'more reasonable' almost overnight, and was determined to express his joy. Her voice caught in her throat as he closed in on Percy. The minotaur picked the human off the ground in a huge, all-enveloping hug, and then kissed Percy on each cheek. She only relaxed when the ambassador set Percy down, and the human just stared at the minotaur.

Only when the ambassador approached her did Percy react. The hiss he gave brought the ambassador up short. The huge creature looked at the much smaller one who exuded an aura of extreme menace.

"At least he warned me," the ambassador said as he took Cadence's upraised hoof and kissed it. "Very sporting. Keep an eye on him, his shadow moves when you don't watch it." He straightened up and walked away laughing.

"Percy, that was an ambassador," Cadence said, "You aren't allowed to kill and eat them, no matter how tasty they are."

He gave her the most petulant look.

"It's a rule," she said and continued trotting along.

I wonder what the minotaur's spies will report to him. He'll probably think it's funny, Cadence thought.

Percy was putting on the sandals that he'd been gifted with, when he offered her something that froze her heart in her chest. She found herself suffused with rage, not at Percy, but what he was so innocently and nonchalantly offered her. And whoever had given it to him.

"Who gave you that?" she asked, then turned to her guards, "Who gave him that?" She pointed at the avocado, her foreleg shaking with rage. The guards and even Percy shied back from her tone.

Then she heard the disturbance, and saw a pony barging through the crowd. Cadence charged after the assassin. "Stop that pony!" she shouted, and watched Percy outpace them and charge ahead.

At an intersection, a squad of guards and several larger servants blocked the assassin's retreat. She and her guards closed the trap. The pegasus assassin flared her wings and held up a small vial. The guards hustled her back out of range.

"Who are you? Percy never hurt you!" Cadence shouted at the pegasus as she struggled to get free of the guards' grip.

"But your boyfriend did," the pegasus replied.

Cadence felt her anger go from white-hot to ice. As everything seemed to go into slow motion and crystal clarity. Percy dove over the cordon, straight at the pegasus as the vial descended. He slammed into her before the vial broke on the stone floor, and had her and himself clear of the cloud before its magic could function.

She saw the brief look of animalistic rage on Percy's face. He does feel anger, she thought back to the discussions with Armor's parents and Celestia. Then it vanished and she saw what presumably Night Light feared. The cold machine that ponies had crafted.

Percy smashed the pegasus' head against the marble, leaving her dazed. In the periphery, the guards who'd caught part of the cloud were coughing and choking. Her eyes were on Percy. She knew this was taking place in mere seconds, but for some reason to her it was slow and measured. He popped first one wing, then the other out of joint. The pain woke the pegasus and made her eyes go wide. But Percy clamped her mouth shut with one hand, like a spider over her muzzle. With his other, he gripped her hoof and made one motion that made the pegasus' limb twist in ways it wasn't meant to. Without releasing her muzzle, he did the same to her other foreleg.

He released her muzzle to let her scream in agony, as he stepped behind her, and grabbed her rear hooves and twisted them out and shoved down. He seemed almost satisfied as he stepped away.

Cadence froze, as time seemed to resume its normal speed, and Percy approached her. She was too frightened to shy away or scream as he touched her. Looking this way and that. He's checking me for injuries, she realized and relaxed, After all that, he is worried about me. She ignored the pegasus flopping like a landed fish. She consciously ignored the wails of agony from the crippled pony. She focused all she was on Percy, and hugged him in mid-check and refused to let him go.

Armor arrived with a phalanx of guards. Blueblood approached her and Percy with a medical kit. She shook her head, and watched Blueblood cringe a bit at the shrieking pegasus.

"I'm all right," she told Shining as he approached, "She gave Percy an avocado, he obviously thought it was an attack on me. So he made sure she couldn't escape."

What's Blueblood so mad about? she vaguely wondered, then Percy offered her a handful of cookies. Cadence felt as if her heart would break. She was trying to kill you, is our happiness more important than your life? What have we done to you to make you think that? What have be done for you that you keep believing that? she thought and wanted to crawl to him and beg forgiveness.

Solar Chaser winced as the doctors popped her joints back together again. It reduced the screaming agony that monster had inflicted on her back down to a general, dull ache. "Damned thing could have killed me."

Then the Captain of the Guard and the damned thing itself walked in. She ignored the spreading wet spot on the bed and shouted, "Keep that thing away from me! I have rights, you can't leave me alone with that!" she squealed.

The Captain grinned, and patted the human's shoulder. "Oh, Percy won't hurt you. He understands you were trying to kill him, not Princess Cadence. He's actually here to apologize and make you feel better."

The captain nodded, and so did the monster.

"But ya know," the captain said. He was just talking to hear himself talk. "It's a scientific fact that a pony can only handle so much pleasure. The ponies who owned Percy used to let him wander around the cages. Like the jewelers who keep spiders in their display cases at night. Every so often, we'd find a corpse they'd dumped, with the creepiest grin on her. Well, sometimes it was a stallion, but usually it was mares."

She didn't hear the rest, as she focused not on the kilt, but that the human was rubbing his thumbs against his fingers. He looked like a nice human, docile and attentive. But they say he took the starch out of the pole that Celestia's had up her ass for months, she thought as felt alternating desire, and horror, What'll he do to a regular mare, wait, the Captain said he killed them?

"Just really, really happy, and really, really dead."

No, he can't do that, they wouldn't, she thought and looked around for an escape, but her eyes kept coming back to the human. If she hadn't already, she felt she'd pee herself if he approached. Worse than a Timberwolf, worse than a bear or a manticore. There was no emotion when he'd tried to tear her to pieces. Her little movements aggravated the small aches into real pain. She clenched her legs together and ignored the pain.

"You have to have heard the rumors, about Princess Celestia being, tense, over the last few weeks. Well, she isn't tense anymore. I've never seen her happier," the Captain continued, "But she's an immortal, some say a goddess, with fantastic reserves of strength, endurance and magic. I can absolutely guarantee, you'll enjoy every moment of it. It'll be wonderful."

She saw the human lick his lips and she realized, He's looking forward to it! Not just his fingers! His tongue, maybe even his teeth. No, I don't want to die, not that, not spread out like a buffet for a human!

She stared in horror at the Captain. "Five," she squeaked, "All at once?" Despite the wet spot, she tried to crawl deeper into the bed.

The Captain thought for a moment, while the human stared at her. "No, usually it's three, then two, but they rotate." He raised his hoof to his chin. "No, you're right sometimes it is all five. A couple of times it was all seven, I still haven't figured that one out."

SEVEN! At the SAME TIME? she tried not to imagine, Can he use all that on one mare? At the same time?

"Now, now, you'll hurt his feelings," the Captain scolded.

Images of Neighponese mares, and octopi and squid having 'relations' flew into and through her mind. Dark stories about monster humans kept by the big bosses, humans so large they tear up a mare inside, and who'd get so excited about the wounded, screeching mare, they would cum until they burst her vitals. This one might be big enough, is that why they make him wear a skirt? To keep from frightening the ponies?

She focused on the Captain. "I'm just going to leave you alone, he's real good at taking direction, so if there's anything you really wanted done to you. I'm sure he can do it. Be back in a little while." He waved as he left the room.

Solar tried to burrow into the bed. She tried not to stare at the human. Staring at them invited attack. Despite that, he walked towards her. Go away! Don't hurt me! Ever ache screamed in agony now. The thought of him dragging her from the bed to force himself on her until she died made her whimper. Will I even be able to fight back, will I want to? she thought, He said they died smiling. Once he starts, will I want him to stop? Please don't touch me! Images of him on top of her, what could satisfy Celestia herself driving into her over and over again. Until I died! she remembered as he leaned over her. They died smiling! They died smiling! By the Wing, what can I do? Will I want to do anything?! She stared up into that placid face, and saw the smile. He isn't a human, he's a sex demon from Tartarus! she thought before she voided her bowels and lost consciousness.

5) Where're We? You're the Navigator!

I Am Not Spartacus - Where're We? You're the Navigator!
by Dan's Comments
Based in the 'Your Human and You' universe by MadMaxtheBlack
This story is NOT canon with Your Human and You

DISCLAIMER: My Little Pony is the property of Hasbro, Inc.

The far tower in the cluster that is Canterlot Castle emits a tremendous flash of light, and a huge amount of smoke. But where's the earthshattering kaboom?

Cadence, Armor and the guards rush out, but order me and Parasol to remain behind. I have no desire to investigate the effects of a silent explosion that large.

BOOOOOOOOOM! It goes on for nearly two minutes.

Okay, time effects. I headed towards the book shelves and pulled out the book I'd been studying lately. The Everfree Forest seemed to be ideal for my eventual purpose. A place of terror, both geographically and psychologically. I could enter it, and would never need to come out. It would be large enough to prevent overflight by any spies, and its wild nature would prevent intrusion by ground forces. The delicious irony was the original home of the pony sisters was ensconced there, and abandoned for over a thousand years. That little piece of information also shed light on the Great White's psychosis. There were evidently two alicorns at one time. What the name and fate of the second one did not appear in the book, but I'm guessing that Nightmare Night and Nightmare Moon had something to do with it. In any case, the place was abandoned, not evacuated, the Great White picked up and left.

At the very least, it would provide a supply of dressed stone to create a secure dwelling. If I were insanely lucky, it might be well enough constructed to be useable as is. But I'm not counting on that. At least I have a goal. As much as I like Pink and the Great White, the idea that someone could casually decide to poison me and face no repercussions troubles me no end.

Octavia arrives for cello time before Pink and Armor return from the maker of weird explosions. I half expect them to return as infants for Parasol and me to look after, or ancient relics, for Parasol and me to look after.

The revelation from Octavia to Parasol makes me admit, I am getting somewhat tired of the constant games the nobles play with each other, and that no one seems to call them on it. Not the Great White, nor anyone down the food chain. Prime example, a few weeks ago, Octavia was a wild child who'd never amount to anything. When she arrives today, I discover she's been accepted by the Royal Chamber ensemble. That is literally like being one step from being kicked off your high school softball team, to being signed by the Yankees as a starter.

"Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!" the happy teenager shouts as she pronks around in circles. She pauses long enough to give me a hug. "Thanks Percy, I was ready to give up, then you showed me I could still create beauty."

I hug her back, but I have a special request that will more than make up for what I did for her. I've learned the young lady can transcribe anything she hears, first time, perfectly. That may be why her cutie mark is a treble clef, instead of the bass clef of the cello. I need that, there's a piece that I have been planning to play for the Great White, preferably after her sister arrives. A cellist as skilled as Octavia should be able to handle the bulk of the work, while I simulate the harp or piano accompaniment. It's from In the Beginning, Humans and the War. Despair and defiance rolled into one package. The Great White seems only able to display emotion when the cause is overwhelming. And that piece is one of the most overwhelming I know of. I'm guessing her sister is similarly constricted. But if everybody's crying, nobody is going to notice. And she can deny that she was affected personally, that she didn't want anyone, anypony, to feel they couldn't cry if the princess(es) didn't. Like I said, games.

Well, if them's the rules, I can play too.

I manage to make it through the piece by memory with a few rough patches and false starts. Octavia is shielded from the poignancy by her desperate efforts to record the piece as sheet music, but even she has sniffles. Poor Parasol looks like she wants to rush over and hug both of us.

Octavia plays the cello piece from what she's written, and I add in the accompaniment. It's start and stop again. This would be easier with a recording device that we could play back. The session is over before we're completely done. Octavia is visibly shaken by the music. She keeps looking at me worriedly. I reply with my usual, placid gaze. I think that unnerves the two ponies more, as they beginning to realize that I'm more like an iceberg, the serene surface, and a huge amount unsuspected below.

Octavia copies the music over, so each of us will have a copy, and takes her leave. Parasol retains a very calculating look.

It's not the day after tomorrow the Great White specified, but the red bird is sitting on the balcony outside with a couple of odd books. Pink and Armor have not returned and it's approaching dinner time. I can only suspect they are consoling their favorite filly, and are not coming back shortly. Or Pink is consoling, and Armor is filling out paperwork. I swear, if they made her fill out the paperwork, maybe she'd learn a little caution.

Once Philomena is inside, I realize the books she carries are catalogs. The bird flips one open to the pages on chalkboards. Specifically, a company that makes them in different colors. It, or is it she, stares at me as I digest the information.

I'm beginning to suspect that the Great White is well aware that sapience, even being a sophont does not require spoken language. Which opens up a host of questions about her acceptance of the human condition here. Both from her end, and about the humans.

I could turn and ask the bird. I'd also like to know why the bird seems to be drawing me into her schemes. Does she need arms and legs, or is a human up the societal ladder from a bird? Even Celestia's own pet? Or do the ponies do the same mental magic with Philomena that they do with me? That her clear signs of intelligence are ignored and she's 'just an animal'?

As a test, I point to the quoted price. The bird cocks her head and stares at me, then sighs. Okay, frustration but at not having the bits, or that I'd assume she would have brought it up without them. I get a sheet of paper and request a quote from the company for several of the largest boards, in a few shades of dark blue, and a couple smaller ones in all the colors of the rainbow.

Philomena keeps watch so Parasol or someone else doesn't discover our activity. The bird included an envelope, so I address it to the company, with the return address as the address from the catalog. Evidently the Great White is not using the palace as her mail drop for this enterprise and Philomena means to use that ruse to cover our activities. Clearly there are subtleties I don't get. One is how to get the parcels to the suite. I draw a quick cartoon of the chalkboards at a mailbox, and an arrow to the door of the suite. It's a very noticeable door, so that part is easy.

Philomena puts me on guard while she scorches her answer in the paper. When I return, a stick figure, presumably me, carries a letter with a crown on it to the mailbox, and then carries the chalkboards to the suite, along with the letter. Once she's satisfied I understand, Philomena eats the page, erasing all evidence of our 'plan'. I shake her wing and she departs with the letter and the catalogs.

So she needs my arms and legs, and she needs my penmanship. Not the greatest basis for a friendship, but enough for the moment.

When dinner passes, and neither Pink nor Armor return, I decide to go to the suite early, in hopes of helping the Great White with the decorating.

I'll admit it, I'm growing rather fond of the Great White, despite the treatment of the humans in general by ponies, she's always been very kind to me. Even when I was trying to beat her head in. That, and despite all the 'love and tolerance', 'friendship is magic' and so on, I'm lonely, and sense that so is she. Neither of us can do as we wish due to the consequences of others' opinions. Odd that a slave and a queen would have such a burden in common.

What I see as I quietly enter is a little shocking. The Great White, I'm guessing by the hair, wings, tail and horn, has transformed herself into a human woman. What's also striking is she seems to be dancing with her hair in her arms as a surrogate for something else. I wonder who that is supposed to be? The look of joy on her face gives the entire scene a charm that's hard to fathom or describe. The human form she's taken is unusual, but her grace and confidence carry it past pretty into beautiful. She hums happily as she circles and turns, cuddling the stand-in and occasionally leaping into the air on enthusiasm and wing power, to touch down and continue her circling dance.

I feel like I'm intruding, but I also feel someone needs to witness this. That her Serene Highness needs to know of at least one person who can let her experience unfettered joy and play, and not think less of her. Someone who won't accuse her of damaging the serious business of being The Princess. In fact, I've seen this in a dozen more modern plays, the girl who was always the knock-around friend of the hero, or was the hero herself, suddenly starts having new and uncomfortable feelings for her buddy. So an older and wiser character puts her in an outfit, feminine to downright slinky, and well-done make up, and the tomboyish girl 'realizes' she is a girl and what she wants is romance, with the young man she already trusts with her deepest secrets and her safety. The better ones let her keep being a tomboy as well as a lady, but I think Princess Celestia's story made her give it up.

She freezes as she realizes I'm watching. She lands and very self-consciously shoves her hair behind her. While her tanned skin is darker than her usual alabaster, it darkens further as she watches me approach. She's naked, and I don't just mean she isn't wearing clothes, which she isn't, but I saw a few moments of her innermost self. Unfiltered and without artifice, and she knows the kind of power that gives me and how I could hurt her with it.

That alone makes me furious. Not with the Great White, but that this beautiful, kind young woman, and I don't care if she's a 1000+ years old, emotionally she's mid-twenties tops, has to hide in a room, and steal time with someone else's slave, just to have the physical intimacy and play she craves. I'm officially calling bullshit on the whole 'love and tolerance' 'ponies are the loving ones' line. That this society would do this to animalistic humans, pets, is bad enough. That they do it to their ruler is pure malignity.

I don't show any of this on my face, the power the Great White has accidently given me over her should be used wisely. So an 'animal' shows her the kindness the noble ponies of Canterlot never would. I approach, slowly, step by step trying to duplicate her dance steps. Showing not just acceptance, but asking for inclusion. When I'm a few feet away from her I stop, bow like the court does, and extend my arms, as if asking to dance.

She has tears in her eyes and her hands over her mouth that had tried to hide her dread, now equally fail to hide her smile. "I should be very cross with you," she says very softly, "I wanted to practice and surprise you tomorrow."

She gathers me in. She's a head taller than me, something else I'd noticed when she made me an alicorn. If her only hangup is being the tallest person in the room, I can live with that. So my face is going where you'd expect it too. When I try to keep my distance, I'm gently but firmly pressed against her. The urge to motorboat appears and dies in a hail of common sense. Maybe later, but not now. I note the scent of jasmine, rose and hyacinth, with a lingering scent of sandalwood and her own natural perfumes. Like Equestria, it's a forest as a garden. Pleasant and inviting.

Her arms and mane wrap themselves around me as she begins, step-by-step of the dance. She leads, and is soon humming her happy tune again. I let myself be carried along, only disturbed by the occasional tear dripping from her chin.

When we leap into the air, her legs and tail wrap around me, holding me tight against her. My own grip on her shoulders and waist also tightens and she laughs just loud enough that I can hear from my vantage of her chest. The landings are so soft my only clue is her setting me back on the floor to continue the dance steps. We while away a pleasant idyll that way.

Finally she stops and steps away, her hands resting on my shoulders. She grins, but the grin freezes.

"Don't you like this body?" she asks, her eyes darting side to side, glancing at herself as she does, searching for some imperfections.

Frankly, she's not in supermodel territory, she looks like a well-done cross of Jessica Rabbit and football running back. What everybody forgets is Jessica was quite large up top, I mean above those, she had broader shoulders than Bob Hoskins. Broad shoulders, equally broad hips, trim but not tiny waist, full breasts, yet graceful as a dancer and powerful enough to break someone in half. While her pony form is supermodelish to ponies, her human form is clearly Amazonian. I brush her hair aside and get up on my tip toes to kiss her on the lips. 'Do you want this body?', you bet your firm and soft bippy I do, but that's not the price to be my friend.

As I step back, I point from me to her, and mime a snarling animal. Then I point at her and mime cowering, and disguise my smile by pull the corners of my mouth back with my fingers. When I point from her to me, I go through several of the dance steps. I hope I am conveying my understanding that she wants to face a monster she'll be able to 'give in' to, while I prefer a more gentle seduction.

She gathers me in again and lowers her head, giving me little bites on the neck, as I've seen ponies do to each other. I answer with the same, running my fingers over her sides and back, noting where she squirms for later. She gets the message and begins the same exploration, stroking my back and sides with her hands and mane, while her tail strokes my legs.

"I'm an idiot, you tell me and I don't listen," she comments and her mane slips behind me and picks us up, her straddling my thighs. It's like lying on a tightly-stretched, silk sheet, suspended a short ways off the ground. She lifts my kilt and presses lightly against me. As she grins a predatory grin, I learn that all her hair is as mobile and prehensile as her mane and tail. She giggles at my stunned reactions as she leans over me.

My hands come up to caress her breasts, pinch and rolls her nipples. All the while I watch her face for discomfort. She's enjoying the attention. She's enjoying freely giving and receiving the caresses kisses and love bites.

She shifts to settle herself down on me and begins bobbing up and down. I catch her as she speeds up, letting her move slowly, letting us find what feels best. She acts like something is going to rip her away any second and just wants it over with. She may have the stamina to start again immediately, but I doubt I will, so I get her to slow down, adjusting my hips until she gets the sensations she was after.

She rides up and down, slowly, her breast in my hands, her mane supporting my posture to conserve my strength. I think she realizes I want to go all night, but can't if she wants to go like a house afire. Then she stops. Her expression frozen as if she'd recalled a painful memory. When she opens her eyes, she's all smiles, and bounces up and down much more quickly, and stops, closes her eyes and muses.

She does that over and over, and begins to blush as she muses. It takes me a little while to guess what's happening, and it takes some effort not to grin. She seems to be growing tired and we settle back to the floor. She raises off of me and lays down beside me. She begins quietly weeping as she gathers me tight against her. I hold her and wonder what memories or thoughts trouble her.

"Please stay, I just need a nap," she tells me and her magic adds a quilt to her arms, legs and hair wrapped around both of us. I move her head to pillow on my shoulder as she dozes. In her sleep, her troubled expression relaxes and she appears the ingenue, not the trickster or the calculating leader, but the wide-eyed idealist believing in everything and too innocent for the tasks before her.

She wakes and kisses me. Her horn glows for a moment and in the background I hear the tub running. She snuggles against me, giving me little kisses. I have something different in mind. I flip her on her stomach and tie her hands behind her back with her mane, and then bend her legs to tie her ankles with her tail.

When I sit her up, she's staring at me as if I've lost my mind. I am fully aware that tying her up that way is like trying to handcuff the Hulk with a couple of post-it notes, but that's the point. How am I going to explain or use the idea of a 'safe word' without speaking?

I bare all my teeth at her and hiss. She whimpers, then giggles. I grab her by the throat and hiss at her again.

"Whimper, whimper," she tells me, while grinning from ear to ear.

Good enough. I sit on her thighs and push her shoulders down until her head touches the floor, hissing and biting the air the whole time. She's a little worried, but accepting. Then I run my teeth over her shoulders then her taut stomach, scraping them on her, and giving little bites. She making little noises as I go, slowly moving, then I get to her belly button. I'd already know where to put my hands as I place my mouth over it. I wait for her to gasp slightly, and I blow, while tickling her most sensitive spots.

There is an indescribable flurry of shrieks of outrage and hurried activity that ends with me with my back on the floor, wrist and ankles firmly tied with her mane and tail, her looming over me with the most rapacious look I've ever seen. Or maybe it's rape-acious. No, you can't take what's given eagerly. "You nut," she says, then she smiles. "I'm afraid I have to cut this short," she tells me as she carries me over her shoulder to the bath tub. She soaps me down and rinses me off outside the tub, and puts me in the water which is a trifle warm, but not painful. She lathers up and rinses herself off.

I lie in the warm water, enjoying watching her, feeling relaxed and almost empty. The Great White however, is still feeling frisky. Where she gets the energy I have no idea. It's a mix of tribute and scary that with me, a lot of the restraints come off and she can act like a teenager in love.

The idea that for all her size, reputed age, and wisdom that biologically she's not much more than a young adult is staggering, but it seems to be the truth. Or maybe it's the middle-aged rebellion against all the propriety forced on her over the centuries. That even seasoned adults like to play occasionally.

"You did so much, and you must be feeling very constrained," she says.

Frankly this isn't some tit for tat game. I enjoy the ability to play with an intelligent female. While humans are the right shape and can play as part of sex, most just aren't as creative as I like. And ponies, forget it. Pony-Pony sex is governed by the estrus cycle, mares in heat and stallions affected by the female's pheromones. Most Pony-Pony sex has all the tenderness, fellow feeling and romance that most humans would apply to plunging out a toilet.

She sits on the tub's edge letting me admire her. Her form of a human female is a nice touch, and that she's sensed and accommodated my reticence about cross-species mating. Although the Alicorn she turned me into I suspect was a mare's utter wet dream, but it took me inside it to make it hers. Same with her human form, someone less poised would make it unsettling, she has the playfulness and power to make it very sexy.

"My one disappointment," she says as she slips into the water up to her neck and moves towards me, "Is that you're not ticklish, and I am supremely so. But you are very sensitive elsewhere." She still touches and rubs, searching for the chink in my armor.

I should have paid more attention, but when she takes a deep breath, and slips beneath the water, I ignore it. Thinking it's more tickling. Or a 'belly buzzer'. My mistake.

The rubbing of her horn on my side, and her mouth somewhere else alerts me, but too late. I try to push her away, she doesn't get the hint and adds a few, very careful bites. I'm getting harder by the second.

Grabbing her by the hair and horn is out. I find a few of her most ticklish spots. The muffled squawk and cloud of bubbles shows me I hit, I continue my 'assault'. She stops and surfaces. She grabs my wrists and pushes my hands behind my back. I take the opportunity to nibble on her neck.

"No fair," she complains as she arches her neck to give me better access. Then she pulls away. "Oh, you tricked me," she said with faint anger, then her expression softens, "Don't worry, I can hold my breath a long time." She nuzzles me. "Don't worry, just relax and enjoy it." She glides back under the water with nary a ripple.

There are times you simply must allow things to happen. Her mouth and lips are soft and strong, her hands touch and caress here and there, until I'm trembling to release. I'm praying to outlast her, but she wasn't kidding about being able to hold her breath for a long time. No hint of panic, or speeding up to finish so she can get another breath. She's learned to take her time and let things build. My body is painfully screaming to let her win. Why won't I? She's going to anyway, taking my resistance as a challenge to defeat.

I let her, feeling the release and painfully-tight, almost-stretched feelings dissipate.

What explodes out of the water is a horse-sized Alicorn. Which are bulging more, her eyes or her cheeks is hard to say. She's looking around frantically for some place to spit out her mouthful. She rejects the tile floor since it'll get into the grout and cracks, and stay there, and rejects the water of the tub since it'll get over both of us, so she reluctantly swallows. The lump going down her throat is obvious, painfully to both of us.

"GAHurGLEEKleeleeeckdah!" she announces as she flops back so she can frantically scrape her long tongue with both forehooves.

Tongue that long and muscular would make her very popular with the mares. I edge away from her frantic scrape, gargle with bathwater, swallow, and repeat.

Lady that she is, she catches my unease. And freezes her motion. When she speaks, her gestures and tone are again warm and inviting, "Percy, you didn't do anything wrong, Celly - I, should have listened to you," she says, resting her forehooves on my shoulders, "Rrhahgack! That's awful." She climbs out of the tub. "You just stay there, I'm just going to gargle some paint, to get this awful taste out of my mouth." She shudders as she climbs out of the bath sending water everywhere. "Maybe I should get a small bowl for the meeting of the gourmet club. See how they react." She giggles, then sobers up. "Where's the best paint for this?"

Sorry.

She escorts me back as an alicorn and takes care to tuck me in, kissing here, kissing there as her magic draws the bedding over me. She has a happy, wistful smile as she leaves. Half of me wants to follow her, help her with whatever it is she's got to do. Gadzooks! I've fallen in love with a horse. I suppress a chuckle at the insanity of it all and decide maybe the thrill of 'stealing' another alicorn's slave is part of the attraction, although Pink and Armor are delighted to know the Great White is enjoying her romps with me. They still haven't specifically given permission.

It's hours later and good night's sleep when they arrive back. They're so late it's well into the morning and just at breakfast. Both Pink and Armor look exhausted, and their guards aren't in much better shape. I am certainly going to enjoy the pair's reaction to the letter I left them in case they returned and I was gone. That they returned in time for me to serve them breakfast (the breakfast Parasol made for herself and me) is an extra special bonus.

Pink picks up the letter, it is labeled for Princess Cadenza and Shining Armor, so Parasol left it alone.
" 'Dear Princess Celesta,

I would like to transition from lease to purchase the white alicorn I've been trying out. She seems a diligent worker and seems to subsist on ORGASMS!'" Pink nearly shrieks the last. Armor spits out the coffee he was drinking.

" 'She seems to be thriving now that she's getting 80 to a 150 per session.'" Pink's strangled tones draw the four guards, and Parasol to listen. I'm just staring at them, trying not to burst out laughing.

Pink continues, " 'The Pink one I purchased earlier is somewhat more troublesome, but I suspect it is not her fault. To avoid confusion and performance anxiety with her companion, I have not begun servicing her myself as I purchased her as a LAYING HEN'?!" she practically shrieks the last, " 'Per the manual, I also purchased a Studly Stallion - '"

"WHAT!?" Armor shouts, fully awake and almost entirely without the aid of coffee. He looks over Pink's shoulder and starts reading, " ' - a Studly Stallion to ensure a good supply of eggs, but none yet. Also following the troubleshooting guide, I purchased Pack of Friends (with removable armor) and a Fluffy Pony, each of which is supposed to enhance the quality and quantity of eggs, yet nothing. Not even with five mares to choose from."

" 'He displays all the behaviors that the manual describes, but no eggs. Perhaps he was 'fixed' before shipment, or he's had his polarity reversed. In either case, I don't want to saw him in half and count his rings to determine which. I've heard that lifting his tail and inserting a long screwdriver will let me tighten his mainspring. Please verify the veracity and effectiveness of this process.'"

Armor keeps silently rereading the last, while Pink controls her initial shock and subsequent giggles to continue, " 'The other reason I suspect the Studly Stallion is the problem is that my neighbor purchased a blonde-maned one of the same batch, their lot numbers are the same. While that Studly Stallion fights with other stallions, preens and poses as described, when my friend put a mirror in his enclosure, she started getting an egg every other day, and two on Sunday.'" At that Pink completely loses it, rolling on the ground and gasping about Blueblood being in love with himself and laying eggs.

Parasol and the four guards are all wavering between stunned and utterly horrified.

" 'This is all very distressing,'" Parasol takes up the letter and reads aloud, " 'I am a big fan of your products, but this last purchase has been nothing but trouble.
Signed,
By the Grace of Dog, Protector of the Shif, His Imperial Aquatic and Dyslexic Majesty Ursine IX of Greater United Equestria and the Sandwich Islands, Stevedore of Dragonhome, Defender of Peoples' Democratic Republic of Upper and Sideward Suburbia, Inflictor of Maggots to the Electors of the Holy Canine Catiphate, Chief Cook and Bottlewasher of the Ochlocracy of the Griffons, Salter to Taste for the High Bishop of Lower Mediocracy, and Patent Pending Esquire.'"

Parasol lowers the page and wears an expression usually reserved for those who've been hit in the face with a board, several times. I've managed to keep a straight face throughout the entire episode, and even now I am not in the running for suspects. The 'hunt for those responsible' should be fun, but Pink and Armor discard their two prime suspects: the Great White and the Mighty Poof, as they wouldn't have included themselves, especially not in such a humiliating matter.

"Do we tell anypony about this?" Left Front asks.

"Absolutely not!" Armor and Pink tell her in unison.

"Pack of Friends with removable armor," Parasol says, and starts laughing.

"At least I'm not a 'Fluffy Pony'," Right Rear replies, but she's grinning.

"Eggs is it, I'll get that screwdriver and have your mainspring tightened into an egg-laying machine," Armor says.

"That is clearly not how my mainspring is to be tightened," Pink says sweetly, "Armor, my dear." She can't do bitchy worth beans, and is soon laughing harder than he is.

"Oh, this is not funny," Armor says.

"Yes it is," Parasol squeaks between laughs.

"Captain," Right-Front says, "You try to tighten my mainspring, I'll reverse your polarity permanently." She sounds threatening, but every pony laughs.

"I wonder if that would give me more rings or less," Armor asks.

"Oh, ow, ow, my ribs hurt," Pink admits, "I think we'd better just burn this. If anypony ever reads it, there'd be endless trouble."

I'm glad I remember it, dropping off an amended copy to the Mighty Poof would be entirely worth it. After all, no one would expect me to be the author.

Lunch is an interesting affair. I had a hankering for a grilled cheese sandwich, and Parasol had returned from the market with at least six different kinds of cheeses. Some rather, fragrant. I'd watched her cook on a couple of occasions, so I figure the 'monkey see, monkey do' mental gymnastics will be in full effect. Left Front and Right Rear are waiting in one door to the kitchen, Armor and Left Rear in the other, all four of them with fire extinguishers. Right Front and Pink are scribbling notes. I'd already sliced off the cheese for the sandwiches before they 'caught' me. They were fascinated that I mixed the cheeses so each sandwich would be fairly similar to the others. The stove was simple enough, I mean they operate it with hooves. The spatula is also simple.

The nervous whispering is the hilarious part.

"Should be jump him?" Left Front whispers.

"And spook him while he's got a hot skillet?" Right Rear replies, "You may want a branding, but I don't."

"This is amazing," Pink says, "He's watched you cook, Parasol?"

"Yes," the hoof maiden says, "I let him flip the eggs a couple days ago, I didn't think he'd do this. I'm sorry."

"I'm not angry," Pink assured her, "It's, it's, it's . . ."

"Amazing?" Armor asks and shudders, "Just remember Twilie's first cooking."

"You got the jelly out of your coat eventually," Pink says.

"I had to let it grow out and then shave it off," Armor replies, "What'll he do when he's done?"

"He might do anything!" Pink squeals, "He might even -"

"Might even?" Armor asks.

"Might even," Pink says and gasps, "Take the platter to the table, the horror!"

"You think we're overreacting?" Armor asks.

"I was Twilie's foalsitter, the fire extinguishers are okay, treating it as the Third Battle of Griffonstan is overreacting," Pink replies.

Courteous creature I am, I do make enough for everybody. I shut off the stove pick up the platter with all the sandwiches. The ponies clear out of the way to let me through the door and to the table. There I set the platter down and stare at them.

Very sheepishly, they approach and sit down to enjoy the sandwiches.

Sometimes it's fun to freak them out this way. It's also very strange to watch them rationalize it all away. If they ever find out the truth, I think there's going to be a few nervous breakdowns.

After lunch Octavia arrives, she takes one look at the collection of fire extinguishers, the nervous smiles on Pink and Armor and just rolls her eyes. "Old people," she says under her breath. Neither Pink nor Armor are particularly happy with her analysis and dismissal. Welcome to the party, pal.

We've completed the version of In the Beginning, Humans and the War. We run through bits and pieces of it, but never the whole thing. Parasol has a knowing look, since she's the only one who's heard basically the whole thing. I'm almost good enough to read the music written. Which is an improvement, I couldn't sight-read on Earth.

Pink and Armor watch the entire time Octavia is there. I suspect that their internal rationalizations are wearing thin, and they are trying to figure out what to do next.

Muttonchops' arrival distracts them. "The prisoner, that pegasus, was found in the corner of her cell, screaming like a banshee," he says and hands over a photo, "That was found stuck on a bed post."

I'm dying to see what it is, but I have to curb my curiosity, I am not supposed to know too many words.

"Someone carved a jack o'lantern out of an avocado?" Armor asks.

Octavia saves me by starting to laugh like a maniac, so my snort goes unnoticed. I suspect she heard about the 'murder' attempt, and like a few others is glad someone is giving the would-be, ninja pegasus a bit of a hard time.

"Young lady, it's not funny," Muttonchops says.

"Yes it is. He tries to help her Highness, someone tries to kill him, and the killer is getting frightening avocados delivered," the young cellist says as she glances at the photo, "That's a creepy smile, but that's what a jack o'lantern is supposed to look like."

I think a little bird is having a good time. Note to self, phoenixes, phonenixi? Are vicious when provoked. Don't piss them off.

For once, Pink and Armor decide to keep an eye on me tonight. The Great White checks in, sees I'm not going to be available, and goes about her business. I am learning that the real test of being a superhero living a double life, is extreme fatigue.

The guards are nervous about my behavior, and their whispers are clear indication. Pink and Armor suggest another trip to the Institute.

"No," they both say together and nervously laugh.

"I doubt the good doctor will ever forgive Percy," Pink says.

"I think the good doctor will tear her fur out with whatever he does to her tests," Armor replies. Then he gets a bright idea. "I wonder."

He carefully sketches a tic-tac-toe board on a piece of paper. He put and 'X' in the upper right-hand corner, and slides the paper over to me. I pick it up, turn it this way and that. Sniff the paper. All the while, Armor and the others are leaning closer and closer. I set the paper on the table and fold the paper in half so the 'X' is still exposed. They stare. And in half again, keeping the 'X' visible. They stare more closely. In half again, and they stare. Again, and again, until I have eight folds and the thing the size of half a cookie in area and thickness. But the 'X' is prominently centered at the top of the paper. They are watching very closely.

I eat the paper.

"Okay, no more intelligence tests when we're all tired," Armor says, "Let's all get some sleep, and maybe tomorrow, things won't be so weird."

You wish, this whole place is weird.

I return to my room and consider what I've got versus what I need. I need to explore the entire castle, to determine where there are supplies for my trip to the Everfree. I need to see what trick that phoenix has to get us past the guards to get the chalkboards, which I hope to adapt to escaping as far as I can by train on a similar pass.

And lastly, I wonder about the Great White. While I desperately want to escape, where I am no longer an item to be broken without anyone or anything to avenge me, I also don't want to leave her in the lurch. Idiot, I tell myself, after her sister arrives, that'll all take care of itself. I'm just a stopgap, a surrogate for her family. As soon as she can forgive herself for failing her sister, she'll find a pony to connect with. Don't assume that she'll miss you. If what I've overheard about human lifespans, and her lifespan, she already knows I may disappear tomorrow. Deal with it. Yet, I still feel she has real feelings for me, beyond what a clever pet might gather. I don't know, I just don't know. So I have to start increasing my efforts to find out.

Author's Note

The scene:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZIT9DlQoH48

Just the Music:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WQhyaBviiLw

6) Toto This Isn't Crufts Anymore

I Am Not Spartacus - Toto This Isn't Crufts Anymore
by Dan's Comments
Based in the 'Your Human and You' universe by MadMaxtheBlack
This story is NOT canon with Your Human and You

DISCLAIMER: My Little Pony is the property of Hasbro, Inc.

The pit is laid out very differently, and Pink isn't wearing her gi. The barriers scattered about are a small collection of suspended poles, tunnels and ramps. It looks a little like a kid's idea of a military obstacle course. The fact that Muttonchops is off on the side with the four guards helping put him in a set of padded armor easily a couple inches thick sets off warning bells all over.

"Come on Percy," Pink calls, a little too sweetly for my peace of mind. She runs through the obstacle course, and only knocks down a few poles. Much to the amusement of the others.

The Great White's arrival forestalls my trying to follow. "Oh that looks like fun!" she says and proceeds to go through the whole course like a champion rodeo bronco. While literally everyone else is too horrified to comment. "Come on Percy, it's fun!" she tells me cheerfully.

Oh crap.

Before I came here, I wouldn't have had the muscle tone or reflexes to do as well as I do. But the trainers, I jokingly think of as 'the war masters' trained me, and a few other humans of good temperament to fight with our brains, not just our fury. I've seen one or two such humans with the guard. They are definitely not for show or standing around all day in armor, you aim them at something, even a minotaur, and they'll cripple or kill it. One of the few ponies I had any respect for, before I came here, tried to buy me from my owners, he knew a good guard for children when he saw one. I wasn't so pleased about his comments on breeding stock, but no pony is perfect.

As Pink stares at the stop watch, she actually looks frightened. "That's impressive."

Good Lord, it was just an obstacle course. I could take a high school football team and do the same or better.

"Maybe you'd better go to the next event," the Great White says on looking at the time.

Event? Oh, that's what had me so nervous. That's why no observers, I realize as I look around. That's why no Armor, and Pink and the Great White are acting like coconspirators rather than Princesses. They're training me to enter in the Canterlot Breeders Cup, a 'human show'.

Double crap. If I make a run for it, both of them can fly and both of them have magic. That's out. For the talent completion I can play the cello, which ought to terrify the local ninnies.

Hey! What am I worried about? If this is a Conformational show, all I have to do is show my teeth, and they'll toss me right out. I don't conform to most of the human phenotypes on Equestria, in all kinds of ways.

Okay, I'll let them have some fun, and just get out of it a little fun myself. Sheesh, sometimes I just scare myself needlessly.

The day is all exercises, running the obstacle course, learning how to stand when being stacked. The hilarious part is the grooming. I haven't had a haircut since before Pink found me, and so, I'm a little shaggy. With the return of the Great White from government duties, the arguments about this style or that grow slightly heated. Yet, they have left the clippers where I can get at them. What's nerve-wracking is some of the words they are arguing: sexy, virile, ravishing, robust, it sounds like they're describing a bacon-flavored dildo with a 10 horse motor. While they are arguing, imagine: Pink and the Great White screaming at each other, I start giving myself a flattop.

"Percy no!" Pink squeals as she yanks the clippers out of my hand. She hooves through my hair. "What are we going to do now?"

"What class were you planning to enter him in?" Muttonchops asks.

"Working breeds, guard class, actually," Pink says as she tsks about the strips of short hair. The Great White wanders over, looking at the utter destruction of her choice of possible styles.

Poor Muttonchops takes the chance to bypass both Princesses' desires and achieve a peace. "Finish what he started, lass, in fact, I'll get a military barber to do him up proper," Muttonchops says, and nearly melts as Pink and the Great White turn their doe-eyes on him.

"Thank you," Pink says, "What could have possessed him?"

"I think he's good at copying, but he doesn't really understand what he's copying. Like a parrot taught to say some things, and not understanding what they meant," Muttonchops says.

Gee, thanks guy. The Great White nods and heads off.

"My brother had one of those huge parrots," Muttonchops says, "He taught it to say 'here kitty kitty kitty'."

Pink laughs at that. "I want to beat that Blueblood," she says quietly, "I know he's cheating, I just haven't figured out how."

Ah, the plot thickens. Obviously too many doughnuts, but that's for another time.

"Feel his wins have been too easy?" Left-Front asks.

"And that they are an affront to the Royal Family of Equestria?" Right-Front adds.

"There's a few shows you could probably enter him in right now," Left-Rear says and leers.

"Finish that thought lass, and you'll be explaining it to her Highness yourself," Muttonchops warns.

Oh crap, they have a competition for that too? Well of course they do. Be funny to participate. Service some mare without ever sticking it in. That would be funny. And scare the crap out of the locals.

The haircut actually went pretty well, but I have a feeling that Pink isn't going to like what happened. Poor Muttonchops told the barber to 'make him look like an officer.' The mare clipped and trimmed, then brought out a straight razor and with the most delicate negotiations I've ever witnessed, managed to keep from so much as nicking me, and she was very glad I didn't attack her. She'd attended a few of my fights, including one where I defeated a loudmouthed earth pony, by doing my multiple dislocations trick.

Muttonchops was utterly horrified by the results, but I rather liked it. The explosion from Pink was going to be fun all around.

"What happened to his beard? What happened to his sideburns? Why'd they leave his moustache?!" Pink asks as she turns a delicate shade of red, and the old campaigner starts looking to escape.

"I mistakenly told her to make him look like an officer. She decided to make him look like a general officer," Muttonchops says, "No excuses, I should have supervised."

No, Pink should have supervised, I rather like the look.

"But, hair," Pink says as she watches her chances of matching the Mighty Poof fade away like a dream on waking.

I walk over and begin scratching her behind the ears.

"No Percy, it's not your fault. I thought I could just leap into this, and have a chance," Pink admits.

Poor Muttonchops looks horrified. I am feeling better. I got a haircut, a decent shave, and this whole idea is wafting away in the wind.

"Enter him anyway," Parasol says.

I swear I am going to crap all over your bed, with you in it.

"You're a princess, not a noble. You are entering him as a guard," Parasol says, "Look at him. Before he looked like a teddy bear, now he looks mean and military." She scampers away. "Too mean if you ask me. But you'll set the fashion, not the other way around. We don't even know what breed he is, so enter him as a 'general' and all that will matter is his performance in the competitions. So he won't earn 'Best in Breed' he might get 'Best in Show' instead."

Parasol, you don't know how much I HATE you at this moment.

Pink is, of course, delighted, hugging her loyal hoof maiden. Then she breaks off and gives me a closer look. "You're right, he does look fiercer."

"And no long hair to grab," Muttonchops says, despite his Burnside-esque sideburns, they are cut tight to his face.

I retreat up to the top of the bookshelf as they chatter about this and that feature of the show. The temptation to just start flinging poo all over everything has never been stronger. Unfortunately, that will reduce my access to both the books I need and my coconspirator. So I refrain from giving in to my baser instincts.

Maybe I should just bring it up with the Great White and tell her I don't want to do it. All I have to do is convince her to change me into an Alicorn, or, I could just tell her as a human.

No, she'd have a nervous breakdown, and I don't want that. I'll talk it over with Parasol. She deserves it. Yes, wonderful plan.

"Parasol," I whisper, "Parasol, I'd like to talk to you." I shake her gently.

"Huh?" she asks as she blinks in the faint light, "Percy?"

"Yes," I tell her, and grin. And suddenly I am not grinning alone.

She throws the covers off and spreads her legs wide. "I knew you'd choose me over Celestia! Pierce me! Percy pierce me with your love! Shatter my reserve and make me beg for your fulfillment. Percy! The gates of my celestial temple shall not stand against your one-eyed stallion ram! The petals of my lady-flower shall be breached by the potency of your mighty male-chowder cannon! Percy! Fill me with your seed of fertility and let the gods weep at the power of our love!"

I throw the covers over her, shut off the lights and give her a good shaking.

"Percy what the -!" Parasol shouts as she pulls the covers down, and looks around dark room. She retreats deeper under the covers. "Percy, I'm fine, I was just dreaming. Celestia preserve me let that have been a dream." She sits up. "You can't talk? Right?"

I stare at her.

"Stupid question. Yes Percy, I'm okay." She gives me a very chaste hug. "Thank you for being worried about me. I guess you heard me calling and came to check." She releases the hug and settles back into her bed. "That was just embarrassing."

I step out and leave, returning to my own bed. Okay, that really didn't turn out the way I was expecting. That mare needs a boyfriend, or some new batteries.

Parasol is jumping at nearly everything the next morning. Pink is very concerned.

"Parasol, why don't you take a little time out of the apartment. Do some shopping," Pink said, then leans close, "Buy something to catch the eye of that special somepony."

Parasol is smiling nervously, but warming to the idea.

"You can take Percy to help you carry things," Pink adds, and then realizes that she's talking to just me. "Parasol? Parasol?" she asks as she heads after her hoof maiden.

I tag along, but stay out of sight.

"Princess Cadenza," Parasol says, "I, I have been lusting after your servant, Percy. I have been having dreams about it, him. Last night, when he heard me cry out, I don't know whether it was a dream or I was half-awake, but he came and . . . I rather embarrassed myself."

Pink hugs the little hoof maiden. "Oh Parasol," she says, "Even Armor has those kinds of dreams about Percy."

WHAT! OH GOD NO! This can't be happening. This can't be happening! That's it, we take off, and nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure.

"He's back being a colt, and running and playing with his human friend," Pink squeals, "It's so adorable. Imagine, rough, tough captain of the guard being a foal again and playing with his human friend. He dreams it because Percy is safe, and tries to do the right thing and doesn't care about being 'embarrassed'. You dream it because he's here, and you want a kind, caring stallion. I bet he talked too."

"You've dreamed that?" Parasol asks.

"Not what you did, but, someone to talk to, someone who only talks so I can hear. Someone wise and caring, someone I know will never betray me."

Oh great make me feel like a heel for planning on leaving why don't you?

"In fact," Pink tells Parasol, "He's hiding just outside because he saw we were worried and he wants to be there to help."

Okay, I flunked Stealth 101.

"Someone always looking out for you, it's natural to dream like that," Pink says, "I think he'd like to be your friend, and you can trust him. And I trust you to keep him out of the hands of the other ladies of the court." Pink shows her darker side. "I don't hold having those dreams against you, and neither will he. Just remember to ask first, before you act on them."

"How am I supposed to ask a human?" Parasol asks.

"Think about it," Pink tells her, "There are ways. And don't be too hurt if he doesn't notice. Some humans form very strong bonds with only one pony in their life."

"And her Highness got there first," Parasol says and sighs, "Thank you, for understanding."

"Understanding love, it is my job after all," Pink says, then raises her voice, "Percy."

I head in. Pink smiles and gestures for me to kneel beside Parasol on her couch. I do. When Parasol sniffles, I gather her into a hug. The sniffles intensify.

"Why can't I find a nice stallion like him?" Parasol asks Pink.

"Because maybe you've been looking in the wrong places," Pink says, "Percy likes books, maybe you should go to a bookstore."

Oh good grief, I get to watch young love unfold right before my eyes. On a shopping trip no less. If I throw myself off the side of the mountain, it'll all be over in an instant.

I have no idea who this 'Rarity' is, but I'm guessing the riding involved in wearing 'Rarity's Saddles' isn't the kind that would win you a ribbon at the Calgary Stampede. Parasol takes some into a dressing room, and is blushing furiously and grinning when she comes out. I amuse myself by locating the soap they recommend for such things and putting a bottle of it in the cart with the small pile of 'unmentionables' that Parasol has bought. Along with her other purchases: a couple of boxes of chocolate, a few books, all of which have dishabille mares on the covers. One a mare facing a lone, naked and impossibly endowed human, the title is Innocence Defiled!! now with extra exclamation points. No wonder the kid has dreams like that, if this is her bedtime reading. I am also dearly hoping the daikon radish she bought is for eating, and not for other purposes.

I've also spotted Pink trying to be ninja-like in her pursuit. Although she knows I've spotted her, both I and she are certain Parasol hasn't spotted her. The little mare keeps glancing at me carrying the baskets, placid expression, and she smiles nervously before continuing on her walk.

I've not got an eye for pony beauty, other than that Celestia is supposed to be the epitome of equine pulchritude, once you get too far below that, the gradations sort of slip past me. Pink is supposed to be a close second, but I don't see it. She seems like a 'bobbysocker' of out a 1960's beach movie. Not yet liberated enough to be comfortable being anything but a sidekick to the boys, despite being as good as or better than they are. Basically, Sally Field and Annie Funicello are both lovely ladies, but compared with Julie Newmar and Sophia Loren? Not even in the same universe. I look at some of the mares Parasol looks at, and sighs about, the ones on the covers of the books and magazines she looks at, and I am still no closer to figuring out what is equine beauty than I was when I started. Although I have noticed that creatures who give me the willies have some admirers, possibly due to noble connections. 'Breeding' being more important than physical appearance, and if the conversations are to be believed, intellectual prowess.

Reminds me of the Hapsburg inbreeding, although the inbreeding may be cultural norming rather than genetic damage. Don't stand up out of the accepted culture, or you're in trouble.

Lunch is interesting and reinforces my desire to be gone. I and a pack of other humans are tethered outside, while some people are allowed to bring their dogs into the restaurant, and not seeing-eye or other service dogs. A group of punks decides to stand out of reach of the humans leashed to the wall, and toss stones at them. Then I hold up the unattached end of my leash, and they swiftly depart. Asshole punks are asshole punks no matter the species.

Worse for them, Pink decides to go have a few words with them. I have no doubt getting dressed down by the 'goddess of love' on a mission is an unforgettable experience.

Parasol comes out, and hands me an apple, a napkin wrapped around a few slices of salami. I think it's salami. And a bottle of ginger beer. I nod, take the baskets from her and continue on through the streets of the capital city. I come to the distinct conclusion that a Sauron-esque siege would do the attitude of these pampered children a world of good. Minas Tirith this place is not.

The bookstore is small, rustic and for once does not sport a 'No Humans Allowed' sign.

"Hey Parasol!" the light gray clerk with the tan mane behind the counter says and smiles awkwardly, adjusts his collar, cleans his glasses and tries to push his mane back into some semblance of order.

Oh good grief, it twas ever thus. I stick my head out of the store and signal Pink that this is the place. When I walk back in, the stallion is walking beside Parasol.

"What," his voice cracks, "What can I get you, for you today?"

Okay, you're Dust Bunny I christen him.

"Books on the Everfree," Parasol says and glances at me, "He likes pictures of it, so one with lots of pictures."

Thank you.

"Oh look, it's nerd love."

Please, this is not a good time to come in here and commit suicide. Although if dweebs like that can see it, why can't Parasol and Dust Bunny can't see it? Because this place is insane, and without the goddess of love standing outside how will they ever know.

The three of them look like the typical results of the high school football stars who never went to college and never went pro. Big, dumb, and still stuck trying to intimidate people who are a hell of a lot more successful than they are. Three unicorns, they move poorly, little coordination, and I suspect I could take them all out easily. If it comes to that. But shouldn't I be letting Dust Bunny take care of them? Decisions, decisions.

"Keep your voices down," Dust Bunny tells them, and casts a fearful glance at me.

What did I do?

"Come on Sand Dune, you ought to recognize him." Dust Bunny jerks a hoof at me. "After all your talk about the fight circuits, even you should recognize - the Crimson Death - on sight. Never lost a match against a pony? Killed a minotaur unarmed?"

Shucks, you're gonna make me blush. And make Parasol puke all over your shoes, er hooves. Do ponies wear nailed on horseshoes? I haven't seen Pink or Armor wear them.

The three toughs suddenly recalculate the odds. They can have their fun tormenting their usual victim, and his would-be girlfriend, and have me suck the marrow from their bones. Or they can retreat to try again another day. Even these clowns are able to do that math. They withdraw.

"Don't tell me that you follow those awful pit fights," Parasol says.

"No, but when I heard that Princess Cadence rescued a pit-fighter, and that you'd be working with him, I did a little study."

She looks into his eyes, he looks into her eyes, Pink's little hearts slam through their stupidity fields, and they embrace. I quietly walk out, change the sign from open to closed and quietly close the door. The four guards are having a 'chat' with the three ruffians. Pink raises a hoof to me, I gently slap it with my hand, and we sit down to await the blossoming of young love.

Parasol is a bundle of embarrassment when she and Right-Rear arrive back at the apartment, very late. "I apologize for taking so long. I didn't realize how much time had gone by."

You didn't notice I'd left with all your parcels either.

Pink waves off her worry. "I just thought since you were okay, we could take your parcels home and let you enjoy your day."

The light dawns.

Parasol looks at Right-Rear. "You didn't look inside, did you?" Parasol asks and shies.

"Percy took them straight into your room. We didn't peek," Pink tells her.

Parasol relaxes, and glances at me. "Thank you."

"So, have fun?" Pink asks.

Parasol tries to say something, anything, but instead she just squeals happily and rushes to her room.

Armor chuckles. "I can just imagine Twilie's first coltfriend. She'll be middle-aged mare with a hoofful of doctorates, and she'll act just like that."

Pink frowns at him. Then sighs. "Unfortunately, that mare cares more about books than friends sometimes. Someone is definitely going to have to do something for her."

"What, kick her out of her tower, out of Canterlot? Only Celestia could do that," Armor says. He frowns. "And you know that she won't do that. If Twilie left, who would she have? Besides Percy?"

Ah good, someone else is aware, but can they do anything about it?

"What about her guards? All those strapping stallions?" Pink asks, "Or are they Studly Stallions?"

Armor just raises an eyebrow.

"Not even cards or chess, or just talking?" Pink asks, incredulous.

Oy vey! Oh, I have an idea. I head into the kitchen and carefully take down some of the 'better than everyday but not the best' china and carry it into the room. I set it between the pair. Who stare at it and me, thinking deep thoughts. I hope.

"I don't think a shopping trip would work for her like it did for Parasol," Armor offers.

I'm clearly dealing with a moron here. Okay Pink, time to see if you can pick up the spare.

"Aren't there those parties where mares get together and buy cooking utensils?" Pink asks.

Is 'invite the lady to a family dinner' such a hard concept for any of you to grasp? She's your fricken' aunt, Pink, your fiance's sister is her personal student, a couple of nights a week I slip off for an assignation. Is a meal together with perhaps cards or chess or just small talk afterwards such an alien concept, that only an alien can think of it?

"I wish I could think of something to do for her," Pink says, and levitates the dishes back to their cabinet.

That's all I can stands. I can't stands no more. I briefly consider making a couple of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, grabbing the chess set and marching over to the throne room, just to see their reaction. I restrain myself, but do decide that a reconnaissance is in order. I pull the leash off the wall, clip on the collar I 'have' to wear when going outside, and slip out.

I realize my mistake when the Mighty Poof seems to materialize out of the darkness. But he takes one look at my expression and runs off, shouting for the guards. A guard I've never seen falls in behind me as I march towards the throne room. Instead of entering, I climb one of the columns to get into the gallery where the court functionaries often watch the operations, take notes, gossip and generally look down literally and figuratively at the people on the floor. Including the one I came to see.

She's sitting on the throne, tiara off, looking through a stack of paperwork on a small desk. Despite the glass divider separating the gallery from the court proper, and my relatively stealthy approach, she looks up right at me. I wave, and she smiles. Then returns to her paperwork.

Stupid. She has all those responsibilities. She might not be able to attend.

There's a platoon of very nervous guards waiting for me as I exit the gallery. Most relax immediately.

"That twit said it was a monster," the sergeant in charge of the detail says, "Its just Percy. Looking in on her Highness. Sometimes I think he doesn't understand he doesn't have to protect her." The guards chuckle. At least they see the human is concerned about their princess.

"When he isn't protecting Cadence from her," one of the corporals says and steps out of the way so I can head back to Pink's apartment. A couple remain behind me to prevent my 'escape'.

"Why'd he runoff?" Pink asks as the soldiers see me safely home.

"He probably heard Blueblood outside the door and thought a coup was underway. He looked in on her Highness, and then left peaceful as a lamb," the guard says. The guard pauses. "Do you ever wonder, ma'am, what they think of us? Are we gods or devils?"

"Or both?" Pink says, "I don't know. I do know this one jumps at things no one else can see. I'm almost afraid to consider what training he's had to see and understand those things. I've met some of the trained humans in the guard. But Percy is, different, sometimes alarmingly so."

"Like a pony?" the guard asks.

"No, like a dragon," Pink says, "In some ways, he's more like a dragon than Spike. Thank you for seeing him home safely."

"If we let him at that pegasus, there'd be more paperwork to fill out," the guard says and closes the door.

"More jack o'cados?" Pink asks Armor.

"Oh yes," Armor replies.

I return to my room to sleep. My dreams are particularly unpleasant. No axe-wielding or clawed maniacs, no rivers of boiling lead. Just an empty, sandy beach. A set of fresh hoof prints leading into the distance and the certainty of terrible loneliness at their source, and no matter how fast or far I run, I am alone. Always alone. The dawn does not come soon enough.

The shirt has Pink's cutie-mark on the back, and the kilt is new and of a softer material. It's also a plaid based on Pink's mane and tail color. The noise of the place is incredible. Like any other convention center as the show is starting. The Breeders' Club is still setting up as the entries arrive. Ironically, the humans are the quiet ones. The ponies are the ones a half-pace from starting a war.

The Mighty Poof arrives with a string of humans. Their downcast expressions telegraph their broken spirits. I also spot a couple of others I recognize from my pit-fighting days. Then I see the Mighty Poof look right at one of them, and doesn't sneer.

Gotcha. Now I know how he cheats. He talks a down-at-the-heels breeder into taking a dive, and getting rid of his most likely competition. That's the theory, now I have to see how he works it out. Knowing the con is happening is one thing, seeing it and stopping it are completely different.

He directs a sneer at Pink, but manages a smile as he approaches. Pink of course is trying to deal with a myriad of forms and trying to keep the schedule straight in her head.

"You really should have brought your hoof maiden to take care of all that," the Mighty Poof tells Pink, "I leave many of the crude details to my trainers, only taking a hand when perfection is required."

Would barfing all over him be acceptable, tension at chaotic surroundings and all that?

"It's my first time, and I want to experience the whole thing," Pink replies.

"Suit yourself," the Mighty Poof tells her, "I'll save you a seat in the winners' box so you can watch excellence in action." He waves a hoof and heads off.

If back on Earth I took a dump in my pants, I wouldn't have the expression Pink has right now.

"We shall see," Pink says and returns to the forms, and schedule.

While I'm not competing in the conformance events, I still need a medical check to verify I'm healthy and I haven't been abused. Or, remembering the Mighty Poof's humans, that the scars aren't visible anymore. After months of wearing my kilt or more, I'm not happy with being naked in front of numerous ponies, some of which are taking a more than judicious interest.

"Look at him," one matron tells Pink, "You must breed him. Such a splendid balance of musculature is hard to arrange even with diet and exercise." Then she pokes me with a hoof in the butt, I step away and frown.

"And such splendid temperament, you're entering him in the guard category, why the others will eat him alive. Enter him in the service category. Much gentler." She bumps her hip into Pink's and grins. "Much more lucrative and a whole lot more fun."

I am pretty sure Pink is more mortified than I am. After all, this is the same treatment I suffered through for five years, although with less bloody results. But just as dehumanizing.

"Thank you," Pink manages as she turns the color of the old Soviet flag, "I just want to see how well he does."

"Well, you know how short their lifespan is, best breed them young and healthy," she says.

Pink looks up at me guiltily. I don't meet her eye. I'm staring at the pony in the lab coat with the thermometer. If he puts it where I think he's going to put that, I may be disqualified.

Fortunately, he puts it on my forehead. He stares at the result, and puts it on my forehead again. "Ma'am," he calls to Pink, "Please proceed to tent 23E, tell them you may have a sick human."

"Sick?" Pink asks.

"Yeah, I'm sorry, I mean yes, Highness, and hurry," the vet pony continues on.

Pink keeps looking at me with concern as we hurry through the crowds of ponies, humans, crates and other items. Tent 23E is one of a series of tents near the 'headquarters'. Why you have tents inside an enclosed building, I don't know. Maybe tradition. Maybe that the tents' structure lets them contain spells better. Maybe it's what they had.

"Hello," Pink says as she enters. There are plenty of cots, human-sized, and one older mare who could be best described as matronly.

"Hello," Matron says and looks at me, "You must have gotten turned around. Where were you headed?"

"Tent 23E," Pink says.

Again, Matron looks at me. "Are you sure?"

"We were getting the medical check, when they sent me here," Pink says.

Matron looks from me to Pink and back. She shrugs and gets a small doctor bag. "Have you noticed any unusual behavior?" she asks.

"With Percy, unusual seems to be normal," Pink replies. Her ears are back, and she's raising her hooves in an odd dancing motion. I give her a scratch behind the ears. "Does this count?" she asks as her ears go to the sides.

"Maybe." Matron looks over and smiles. She touches a thermometer to my forehead. "He seems very calm, service class?"

"Guard," Pink says.

Now it's Matron's turn to stare in disbelief. "He's guard class?" she says, and shrugs, then she looks at the thermometer, and her face falls. "He's well-behaved, I mean he's got a calm temperament?"

Okay, now I'm nervous.

"Very, as long as none of the family is in danger," Pink says. The whites of her eyes are showing.

Matron pulls out another thermometer.

Oh no.

"Don't bite me," Matron says as she raises the thermometer.

Lady, for trying to put that in my mouth, you could stomp my foot and I won't bite you. I lean down to make it easier. She puts it under my tongue and slips a bit of her hoof between my upper and lower teeth. She stares closely at my teeth while she waits, skinning my lips away from my teeth to get a better look at them. She's starting to get very nervous.

I'm getting very nervous.

She pulls the thermometer out and looks. The stricken look tells Pink and me that what she sees is very bad news. "Oh honey, I'm so sorry," Matron says, "He seems such a sweet one."

"What's wrong?" Pink demands.

"His temperature is 99 degrees," Matron says.

Pink gasps. "But he's always been so healthy."

Okay, I'm missing something.

"We can make him comfortable," Matron offers, "When it's that high, it's usually quick, and fairly painless. It's good you're here for him."

Pink is in tears. "Percy, I'm so sorry," Pink says as she hugs me.

I hug her back, and look at Matron. Is she in on the Mighty Poof's tricks? This all seems very convenient. Okay, when I'm still alive in an hour, we can get this behind us and either go home, or finish the registration process.

Matron flicks a light in my eyes, then she sticks scope in my ears. While it's irritating, I'm more worried about Pink. She checks a few of the mostly healed scars. The poor mare is getting more perplexed by the moment.

"Excuse me, this is terribly insensitive, but how long have you had him?" Matron asks.

"A few months," Pink says. Looking up, but not letting go. "We rescued him from a pit-fighting ring. He'd been there at least five years."

If I'd told Matron the same, she couldn't have been more shocked. "He's a pit fighter?"

Pink nods. Matron redoubles her examination of my teeth, but she's a lot more careful about it. Now she seems fearful.

"You can stay here as long as you need to, I need to check with someone," Matron says and leaves the tent.

Pink looks at me, her face wet with tears. "Are you hurting?" she asks.

I nuzzle her, and rub my nose on hers. She bursts into tears and holds me tight.

Armor looks stunned as I carry the exhausted Pink through the door. He gets the doors open and I lay her in her bed.

"Percy," she gasps and reaches out for me.

I gesture Armor towards her, and hold her hoof.

"What's wrong?" Armor asks in a voice barely above a whisper as he brushes a hoof through her mane.

"The doctors say Percy's dying, and there's nothing they can do," she says.

Armor hugs her and looks at me with sympathy.

"Percy, Percy!" Pink calls.

Parasol is supervising me making the breakfast, a casserole-style French Toast. "In here," she calls. The hoof maiden is humming happily, moving to a dance tune only she hears, and grinning occasionally at me.

Pink bursts in. She looks disheveled and wild-eyed. She takes in my being alive and upright, and nearly springs at me to hug me. "You're still alive, still alive," she chants.

I give Parasol a confused look, as she is doing the same. Armor charges in a moment later. He stares at me in disbelief. Then I have two ponies squeezing the stuffings out of me.

"It's just Fancy Toast," Parasol says, "I've been watching him."

"Parasol," Pink says as they release me and step back, "He was running a 99 temperature yesterday. And he still feels pretty warm now."

"I'm missing something," Parasol says, "You two look terrible, he seems worried about you two."

"A fever over 97 even for a little while, is fatal," Armor says as he stares. He gets up on his rear legs and puts his lips on my forehead. "It feels like he's still got that fever."

"Let's take him to a vet we can trust," Pink insists.

"We have one who works with the humans used by the Guard," Armor says, "We'll go right after breakfast."

"Why not now?" Pink asks.

"Because I need some time to wake up," Armor says, sounding shell shocked.

The vet was the same matron as yesterday. She gasps as I enter and wave. Armor looks at the mare. "How?" the poor mare says.

"You?" Pink says, and looks at me.

I sit beside Matron and open my mouth wide. She is just staring.

"Doctor," Armor says, "As you see, he isn't dead. I'd like a full physical. I don't know what's going on, but I want to."

"Yes, sir, ma'am," Matron says nervously, "I can guarantee he won't like some of the tests."

"I'll stay with him," Pink says. She looks up at me with shining eyes, like a puppy happy to see me. "I really don't want to let him out of my sight."

Armor nods and heads off.

"I didn't try to mislead you," Matron says, "I've never heard of anything like this. I've watched humans with that kind of fever lose consciousness in minutes, some hallucinate, those are the most dangerous, and others just fall over dead. I've never heard of a human surviving, let alone keep their mental acuity."

"Can you test for mental acuity?" Pink asks.

"The Institute would be better," Matron says.

"Let me tell you a little about Percy and 'unusual'," Pink says. She grins at me and takes my hand in her hooves and holds it against her cheek.

Matron looks like she's combed her mane with a mixer. "I am no longer wondering why he survived," she says, "I'm wondering why he doesn't just spontaneously combust."

"Why?" Pink says. She looks more calm and collected after she realized that I wasn't going to fall over dead at any moment.

"Okay, temperature is in the lethal range. Blood pressure wrong. His resting pulse is too low, is elevated pulse is extremely low. His teeth, I think they're artificial. They are the wrong shape, and some have what appears to be metal implants of three distinct types."

A couple of fillings and a root canal. I've seen ponies with dental work. What's so special?

"And there is no way he's seven years old," the matron says, "That's assuming he started in the pits when he was full grown, add five years." She sighs.

"You're exaggerating," Pink tells her.

"Highness, I've been treating humans for 23 years for the guard. I have a very simple explanation for him," Matron says.

"I thought so," Pink replies.

"He's a space alien," Matron says.

Pink snorts in amusement.

"Highness, I can't explain it any other way," Matron says, "The blood work will probably add a dozen anomalies to the list."

"If you're asking to use him as an experimental subject, the answer is no," Pink says.

Bless you.

"Highness, this character is such an anomaly, nothing we could learn from him would be applicable to any thing else on this planet," Matron says, "But I think I have a few mental acuity tests I want to run, just to see how big an anomaly he is."

Matron pulls out a plastic graduated cylinder, and a wide beaker. "Does he have a favorite drink?"

"Yes, cranberry," Pink says.

Matron stares, but pours about twice as much in the beaker as in the cylinder based on the gradations. "Which?" she asks and indicates one, then the other.

I pick the one with more in it.

"Most humans pick the taller container, thinking it contains more," she says, "Like a young foal might. Here's another trick." She pulls out a solid tube, and drops a red ball, then a blue ball, then a yellow ball into it. Finally, she inverts it. She sets a piece of candy out and three discs, one red, one blue and one yellow.

I point to the yellow. She drops the yellow ball out. I hand the candy to Pink. That stops Matron. She makes some notes.

"Something wrong?" Pink asks.

"Just, it's unusual to find a human more interested in an intellectual challenge, than enjoying the reward. Unless he knows you won't eat that candy."

Pink unwraps it and pops it in her mouth. "Like I told you, at the Institute, he just threw the prize over his shoulder and kept playing the game."

"That might be why he was so successful as a fighter. He may have been able to rationalize that pleasing the audience was his goal, not killing his opponent," Matron says, "That could be abstract reasoning."

"Don't humans reason abstractly?" Pink asks, "He seems to pick up patterns of movements very quickly."

"Ah, he's good at reading visual and nonvisual cues. I must be telegraphing. He isn't reasoning abstractly, but he does have a higher empathy than most. He reasons keeping you happy is better, so you and I were concentrating on the task, not the candy. So he spotted that, and realized that was the right course of action."

Congratulations doc, you just flunked.

"His spacial reasoning is very high, that trick with the tube fools most humans and a lot of youngsters. They can't reason that by inverting the tube you reverse the order," Matron says, "He may have picked up some subtle hint from us about the correct answer. Where we were looking. What we concentrated on. We'd need to do a proper double blind test to see which, but he is extremely in tune with his surroundings and the ponies in them."

"Monkey see, monkey do?" Pink asks.

"On a very sophisticated scale. There was one instance of a charlatan who taught a human how to do multiplication and clapping the answer. But what he really taught the human to do was see when other ponies reacted to him giving the right answer. Percy could be the same," Matron says, "He's acting very simply and directly, but in a very sophisticated way. I suspect living with him has been both a trial and a joy."

"He watched my maid cook some food, and a few days later tried his hand at it," Pink admits. Then glanced around. "He can actually play the cello."

"He probably learned it from observation over a long period," Matron says, "He can probably pick up some pretty sophisticated behaviors, but the impetus for those behaviors is fairly simple."

"Playing the cello?" Pink asks.

"Maybe the player got a mare sexually interested, or maybe it made the player popular," Matron says, "Remember during that part of his life, having ponies happy with him was life and death. He probably saw how popular the player was, how many happy ponies there were around him, and memorized that as a potential survival skill. He probably never considered how useless it was to a pit-fighter. That's also a danger you'll have. He'll pick things up that seem very important, like seeing me and opening his mouth to show his teeth. If they don't stay important, you'll have to untrain those behaviors. He doesn't understand the difference between temporary and permanent, especially if temporary goes on for a few weeks."

Pink nods sagely. I frankly want to laugh or scream at both of them.

7) If You're Here, Who's Playing the Sonata?

I Am Not Spartacus - If You're Here, Who's Playing the Sonata?
by Dan's Comments
Based in the 'Your Human and You' universe by MadMaxtheBlack
This story is NOT canon with Your Human and You

DISCLAIMER: My Little Pony is the property of Hasbro, Inc.

The chalkboards had arrived and it was time to go get them. Then comes the question of how to get them. Pink, Armor and Parasol are out helping the Great White search for a book that is to be a 'present' for Armor's sister. Of course the guards have gone with, and Octavia is practicing with the Royal Orchestra for the Summer Sun Celebration. With all the coincidences piling up, I should have seen what was coming next.

The redbird is at the front door of the apartment. With the largest, whitest, handlebar moustachiest, be-derbied earth pony I've ever seen.

The red bird gives an apologetic shrug.

"Paddy o'Furniture's my name," the worst brogue in the history of bad Irish accents on two planets tells me.

I make sure the door's closed before extending a hand. "Percy's mine."

The red bird is goggling, but 'Paddy' is out cold on the floor.

A pillow and ice pack for her head, and a few blankets for her supine Highness later, the red bird and I are walking through the corridors. I'm wearing my kilt and 'Cadence'-logoed shirt. I added 'For Empress' above the logo on the front and back, having heard that Pink is heir to the Crystal Empire. I've got my leash, and am carrying it, a large bag of bits, and a letter with Celestia's own hoofprint on it. The last gave away my overly ambitious coconspirator, hence the 'Irish' stevedore.

Philomena rides on my shoulder and no pony gives us two looks. Out of the corner of my eye, the red bird is still giving me worried glances.

I don't answer the bird's unasked question as we proceed towards the warehouse, where the return letter told us to pick-up the chalkboards.

"This is the weirdest set up I've ever seen," the manager of the warehouse says as she looks over both the invoice and the letter. "How the heck is the team gonna get to where they are going if they are blindfolded?"

The red bird gestures to me.

"Where in the entire realm of sanity does a human lead a pony?" the warehouse manager asks.

The red bird gestures at the letter, so I hold it up to the manager. It details the transaction and is specific that the human, Percy, will take the wagon to the location.

The manager frowns. "I have a better idea." She leaves and returns with a weird harness. "Let him pull the damn wagon himself."

I don't point out that I am not sneaking away to return her wagon later. The subject isn't breached.

I'm soon harnessed, by Philomena and myself, I don't trust the manager to do it. And the certs and inventory are correct. So we are on our way.

I could do without the idiot bird whistling Rawhide the entire pull back to the castle and to a loading dock I didn't even know about. Evidently there are corridors for palace servants and another set of 'roads' within the palace walls for the servants from the outside. The embarrassment and discomfort of the day is worth knowing I can slip beneath the radar of even the palace servants when I make my escape.

Our exit is near Pink's and the Great White's sister's apartments. Also, good information. The chalkboards are unloaded and placed approximately where they need to go, the wagon placed outside the loading dock, and we return to Pink's apartment.

The Great White is gone. Philomena and I part, and I wait for either the evening and my rendezvous, or the return of the flock of ponies I'm beginning to think of as 'my family'.

Evening comes first.

I am looking forward to my meeting with the Great White even more than usual. As much to see if she has rationalized away my revelation, or if she's getting the clues. I'm betting on the former. Most ponies don't deal well with 'the impossible'.

She's looking at the chalkboards, in her human form. She's covered her face and is evidently overjoyed. She already knows who obtained them, but the colors, places we put them, and that we'd think enough of her to help her on this very personal task is apparently an overwhelming experience.

When she spots me, she starts so hard she loses the spell and I approach the Great White in her natural form. A moment later, I'm in the form of her Gary Sue alicorn. Her nervous smile gets a little rumpled as she considers what she had planned for last time.

"You think the gate to your celestial temple shall stand against my one-eyed stallion ram?" I tell her, "That the petals of your lady-flower cannot be breached by the might of my male-chowder cannon?"

The Great White had started giggling halfway through and now laughs and pounds the floor with a hoof. "The Mares of Argocitiness? By the Horn, where did you hear that awful thing?"

"Parasol read to herself. Thought was love-talk," I explain, "She always read like that at bedtime."

"I'm glad she finally has a coltfriend, if she was reading those aloud," the Great White sobers, then considers, "Why is 'Armor' Armor, and 'Parasol' Parasol, but Cadence is 'Pink' and I'm 'the Great White'? You aren't doing anything wrong. I'm curious."

"Captain Shining Armor, is Armor to most, Captain to armored ponies, and Shining for loveplay. Parasol is Parasol to everyone," I tell her. "Pink is Cadence, Cadenza, Princess, Highness, Heiress, is too many names, so Pink is Pink."

I paw the ground nervously, somewhat by intent, some part by instinct. "The Great White also have many names, some ponies also use on misbehaving humans or humans they are having sex with, so Percy stay with the Great White."

I'm not sure if she's laughing and furious at the same time, or feigning one to cover the other.

"I see." Comes out, as neutral and cold as a snowbound morning. "Thank you for a name that is at least complimentary," she says to lighten the mood. She gestures around. "And thank you for finding and placing them. I'm sure Luna will love them."

I bow slightly. "Philomena and Percy worked together."

"Percy, can you talk, I mean besides now, are you able?" the Great White asks.

I pronk up to her and pronk around her. "You make Percy a pony, with horn and wings so Percy can make the Great White happy forever?" I ask, my mane touching and caressing hers, so she sees my enthusiasm. And I see her terrible sorrow and loneliness. Her surprise shows she did not expect that response, and is extremely uncomfortable at having gotten it with so much happiness and enthusiasm behind it.

"I'm afraid I can only make more alicorns the old-fashioned way," she says, then catches my widening grin, "And I intend to let you help with that. But I only know of one way to become an alicorn, and I don't know if I have the right to put you through that. I feel guilty enough putting Twilight through that."

"Oh," I say, a little disappointment seeps through and she 'sees' it. I crane my neck and look at her side. "Back on names. What 'tappable' mean?"

"What?" the Great White says in a strangled whisper, "Where did you hear that?"

"The big griffon has poem, you like to hear, or maybe better as love talk, seems like love talk," I say.

"Yes, 'one-eyed stallion ram' and 'male-chowder cannon' kind of love talk?" she asks.

"Yes," I reply, then I get a pensive frown, "May Percy ask?" I wait for her to nod a little worriedly, before I proceed, "Before, at big collection of humans and ponies, Pink suddenly start crying all the time. Everything Percy did made her cry more. She not angry, seem very sad. You understand why Pink cry?"

I can 'feel' her emotions churn, then she settles. "Pink thought you were sick, and was afraid of losing you."

"Buy another human," I say in confusion, "Lots around. Some are even as krizrax as Percy, some more."

" 'Krizrax'?" she asks.

"Krizrax," I say and nod.

"What is Krizrax?"

"Krizrax is krizrax, every human knows, ponies not know?"

"I've never heard of it," the Great White says.

"Oh, is why ponies don't refrible theirs?" I gasp, "Percy thought them just rude." I glance around nervously. "Or stupid. It okay if you don't refrible right, but some not at all, some do terrible job. Humans know not to point at them, much punishment."

"Is mine refribled properly?" she asks in alarm.

"Parasol does. Ah, Pink and the Great White not have krizrax to refrible," I say, and bow my head, then stand up, "Is no shame not to. Maybe lost in fight, maybe horn and wings and no krizrax. Is no shame for child not to know. But for a 'clever' pony to do bad job, is much laughter."

"Is Blueblood's refribled properly?" she asks.

"The Mighty Poof?" I wait for her strangled laugh to end, then continue, "His is meant insult."

"Calculated insult," the Great White says, "That sounds like him. So what is krizrax?"

'Happy Percy' is about to say, then I close up. "No," I say.

"No?" she asks, "I am - the Great White."

I nod and gesture at our twined manes. "The Great White unhappy when Percy talks krizrax, not talk it no more."

"But I want to know," the Great White says.

"The Great White not have, so the Great White not need to know," I reply.

"You will tell me," the Great White says as she gets nose to nose with me. I can feel her curiosity and a sliver of anger at my denial.

"Actually," I say. My wings are in and tickling before she knows what's happening.

"Little foal!" I say, "I shall reduce you to pleas and whimperings."

"No! No! No!" she squeals as I find so many of her ticklish spots. My mane isn't as schooled as hers, but it does the job. I have her backed into a corner in a moment.

"Your dignity stripped from you, your fillyhood laid bare to me."

"Marehood!" she gasps. Her wings are starting to rise of their own accord.

"Submit! And I shall not split you in twain!"

"Never!" she says as she gasps for breath.

"Submit!"

"No!"

"You cannot resist! You cannot win! Surrender now as spare yourself an endless agony!" I say.

"No budget meetings?" she asks and swings her butt to face me, "Do your worst."

I smell her arousal, but because it's not a full-blown heat, I can beat down the stallion instincts. I do stop tickling her, so she stands panting.

"You tricked me," she says.

"The Great White wants to be tricked and taken by a stallion too mighty for her loins," I reply.

"We've got to give Parasol some better books, and give Twilight those," the Great White giggles.

I mount her just in front of her hips, rather than behind her shoulders.

"Percy, no Celestia shut up, let him do it," she says.

"Yes, pray to your gods my prey, as I sacrifice you on the altar of my stallionhood," I tell her. She giggles a little, then gives the most pitiful whimper I've ever heard.

I start wriggling in. Her head comes up, and her eyes close. As I push deeper, I'm glad of our twining manes telling us what we're both feeling. Because the guttural noise she's making is like the female colonist's from Aliens having a chestburster rip out of her. Except the Great White isn't making that noise out of pain.

I push in as far as I can go, and the need to release my seed is almost overwhelming. But only almost, I start pulling back.

"Percy?" Celestia asks as she turns to the side to look at me.

Then I push in again. Celestia starts making the same noise. Only this time her head goes up so far it curves back and she's looking at me. Her glowing horn rubs on mine and her tongue lolls out of her mouth as I press in.

I concentrate on anything but the goofy face she's making, or the fact she's also sounding like she binged at the all-you-can-eat bean bar. What they never tell you in sex-ed, even in college, is that sex is messy, wet, full of embarrassing sounds and even more embarrassing facial expressions. 'O-faces' and pussy farts are part of it. The ethereal O-faces come from people who aren't getting a thorough screwing. A few of our colleagues invited us to a couples' party and they all claimed to get those eyes-closed, mouth-open expressions. My lovely fiance said mine looked like someone had shoved half a hot lemon in each end, and I said hers looked like a chipmunk.

Strange that all those with the ethereal expressions weren't together next month. We were. Now we might not have been if I'd told the whole truth that she looked like a bullfrog puffing her cheeks as she got close, because she thought chipmunks the most adorable creatures on Earth, I went with a white lie that kept me welcome in her bed.

Celestia's expression has got to be the most ridiculous she's ever made, especially with her eyes glazed and tongue hanging out. I'm probably looking like the hot lemon recipient, and the long, soft flatulent sound as I push in adds no dignity to the scene. But neither of us care.

If you're having sex, you want to look and act cool. If you're making love, you don't care if you look and sound like Elmer Fudd at a live squid-folding contest, as long as your partner is enjoying every moment of it. Celestia is, and so am I. She's also yoyoing a bit, as I thrust in her neck curves back, as I pull out, it goes forward again.

The scary thing is going on between our manes and the link. Like striping aside of divisions and boundaries between our emotional selves. A side effect of the magic I hadn't expected. Until above us are the heights, and below us are the depths. Feeling the joys she has and exult in them, as I feel her ecstasy at experiencing my emotional heights. Without memories there's no context, but the warmth of each of us fitting into the high points of the others emotional life.

But the depths, oh the depths. I feel those long knives of bitter memories, of failures and pain, of helplessness and impotent fury. Yet, a warmth suffuses me, and they lose their grip on me. Likewise, I feel the impact of feelings not my own: oppressive, painful, some greatly so, but survivable. Like the difference between resting on a bed of nails, and being thrown bodily onto one. And again there is the feeling of gratitude, in this case of having someone to divide the pain so it is not experienced full-force again, and double the joy so someone can understand it.

I think I figured out why there are no male alicorns. If the ratio of stallions to mares stays true with alicorns, no male would survive it. While Celestia gathers nearly limitless strength at the sharing, I feel as if all my life had been drained from me.

The spell that held me as an alicorn faded, and Celestia gazed down on me. 'Fair yet terrible' echoed in my mind as I could barely lift my head.

She lays down beside me, gathering me in with legs, mane, tail and even her chin. I feel deathly tired as I feel her warmth and strength surround me, but it is hers, not mine. And darkness comes, swiftly and completely. The promise of release, of withdrawing from this world into the great unknown beckons. But I am too tired to even decide, let alone stand and make the journey. I close my eyes and await the response.

Waking to the concentrated attention of three, brightly glowing horns is a new experience. All three ponies look profoundly worried, and the ceiling I stare at seems to be the living room of Pink's apartment. I grab Pink's and Armor's horns and touch them together. Then I grab a hank of mane from each and wrap their horns. The instant I do it, I realize how stupid a move it was, but somehow, I couldn't resist.

Pink's and Armor's eyes flew open, then the two of them blush furiously, Armor passing Pink's normal color. And they only have eyes for each other.

I glance over at the Great White, and she's struggling to gather enough hauteur to scold me. Her little fits and snorts aren't helping.

"Percy. Snikert. Percy, that was - gerf - Percy that was very naughty," she manages.

The pair are lifting their back legs in unison, giving two little kicks and setting them down, left, right, left, right. It's completely adorable, especially since the pair are so focused on each other and grinning like complete loons at a Joker-impersonation contest.

Finally, exhaustion sets in, and the two of them sit down, breaking the contact. Armor shakes his head to clear it. Pink just lays down on her hooves, her eyes wide as saucers. Still, she grins at Armor and his stupefaction.

"I've never," Armor manages.

"I'll bet you never," the Great White teases, "You asked how Percy got in the state we brought him back from. There's an even more powerful technique than that." She turns to me. "I apologize Percy, I had no idea that would happen."

Great, you're forgiven, what the heck happened? I was asleep for most of it, after 'a profound sense of fatigue, a feeling of emptiness.' 'Luckily I . . . I was able to interpret these feelings correctly. Loss of essence.' Oh no, you launched the wing using Plan R to attack Russia! After all, stranger love has probably not happened recently.

"I am a bit more concerned about Percy," the Great White actually looks embarrassed. The suppliant instead of the master. "Do you mind me, borrowing him?"

Pink snickers. "Of course you can borrow him. I must protect poor Shining, anything to blunt his 'insane sublimated lusts', where does Blueblood get that stuff?" Pink replies.

"Probably from the same books Parasol reads," Armor adds. He snorts. "That is one way to really clear the head out."

"Too bad he can't write, imagine the manual he could put out for young ponies in love, and nervous newlyweds," the Great White says, scandalizing the young lovers. Then she sobers. "I thought what we were doing was harmless. I never realized we synced so well. He's talked about being a pony to 'stay with the Great White for always'."

"That's so - talked?" Pink began, and she and Armor shout the chorus.

"I, uh, well." The Great White glances nervously at me.

I nod. It'll be interesting to watch. A spell later, I'm an alicorn. The look on Pink is pretty much as expected, to have it somewhat mirrored on Armor is a tad creepy.

"Uh, you and he have," Armor manages, he starts to bow, then stops embarrassed by his action.

I realize he's looking at a god-figure, not a sex-object, and he's more than a little worried that the population of such beings could suddenly skyrocket.

"It's temporary," I tell them, which really shocks them. Then I turn to the Great White. "I do forgive you. There was no malice, only loneliness, for both of us."

"Thank you," the Great White says. "So, Pink, what do you think?"

"Pink?" Armor says, "Hmm, yes that certainly describes her."

Pink glares at Armor.

I lean over and whisper in Pink's ear. "He too much, Percy used to call Armor: Lord High Executioner."

"Why? Oh," Pink says, her ears fold down as she remembers.

I nod.

Now it's Armor's turn to look worried.

The Great White returns me to human form. I'm glad she doesn't reveal the other shapechanging we do as part of our love-play.

"I won't hide that it may be a bit unfair, but he seems more comfortable when we're the same species," the Great White says, neatly side stepping her change, and still able to say she did tell them.

Armor shakes his head again, as he weathers another odd change to his world view. "Imagine if humans could talk normally. I think they would not be too happy with how they are treated by ponies."

"If Percy is any indication, they accept that treatment as par for the course, 'Ponies are ponies' Percy said," the Great White says. The trio seem ashamed of deserving the sentiment that their victims can't expect better of them.

"He was also very worried about your reaction to the medical examination, Pink," the Great White says, "That everything he did made you cry more. I explained it to him. He, accepted that as well." She doesn't tell them what I told her.

"How much intelligence does that spell add?" Pink asks nervously.

"Some, but not a huge amount. Creating intelligence is not easy. It's more a question of processing power, not education or innate cleverness. He can think just as deeply as a human, just much faster as an alicorn."

Interesting, or it doesn't have the effect on me that it would on a standard human. The speed of thought of a Terrestrial Human may be close to what an alicorn can manage.

"He and Philomena managed to hatch the plan to get all those chalkboards we saw, all on their own," the Great White says.

"Philomena," Armor says and facehooves, "A lead bit will buy you a dozen of Pony Joe's best that Philomena has been tormenting that pegasus." He shakes his head. "How did I miss that possibility?"

So, the 'red bird' has been delivering the occasional jack o'cado or other surprise to the would be assassin. Very vicious bird. But then, so am I. You missed it, because if it isn't a pony, it can't be as smart as a pony. The zebra, mules, cows and jackasses all prove that, at least they prove you believe that.

Several days of practice, and then Pink and I are to go to another 'Human Show'. The obstacle course, the sit, stay, stand routine I get the first time through. Retrieving objects over obstacles is laughably easy. Chasing a 'rabbit' is also hilarious.

It's attacking a pony, even in that full padded armor that gives me pause. It would protect against bites and claws, but is utterly useless against the joint-locks/breaks that I regularly use. Poor Muttonchops seems secretly glad I won't attack him, just get between him and Pink and knock him off his hooves. But the rules specifically state a takedown and submission is required.

Ironically, it's Dust Bunny who comes to the rescue. "I'll do it," the little shopkeeper says, and looks around, "He doesn't know me, but I think he knows I'm not a threat, so it'll be like a game."

All kinds of ideas suddenly crop up. While mares like Parasol read all these saddle rippers. It's usually the mares who initiate a fight to protect the stallions against real threats. Stallions are for threat displays and driving off minor problems. It's the herd who attacks when he gets in over his head. That's the difference. The mare in the saddle rippers, versus the girls in the bodice-rippers, are supposed to civilize the bad stallion, often be beating them in a fight, wearing them down sexually (basically raping them back, to exhaustion/submission), or defending them from some outward threat.

They get him in the padded armor and he waddles forward to make challenge. I charge over and knock him down. Muttonchops is about to declare the victory, when nimble fingers find the gaps in the armor. Poor Dust Bunny is suddenly squealing and flailing helplessly.

The others are trying not to laugh at 'crazy Percy's' unique definition of 'submission', only Parasol is looking worried. Then she looks stunned as I wave her over.

She facehooves and remembers who I regularly love-play with, and how the Great White loves playacting. She charges over and head butts me off Dust Bunny. "Leave him alone!"

She stands foursquare over him shifting as I move. "Don't move," she tells Dust Bunny, who hardly needs Pink's flying hearts the stare at Parasol with little, pink hearts in his eyes.

Parasol mouths 'Thank you', as Pink orders me to heel. Parasol knees down to check on Dust Bunny. She squeaks as he enfolds her in a hug. All the other ponies, save Pink are mesmerized by the adorableness. Pink raises a hoof, and I give her a fist bump. She seems very pleased by the events.

I make it up to Dust Bunny by using him as the grooming tester. Brushing out his mane and tail, polishing his hooves, and giving him a bit of a rub down.

"How can anything be vicious one moment and so nice the next?" Dust Bunny asks as he's melting into a pony puddle under my hands.

"Percy is very, special," Pink manages.

I'll leave it at that.

And Pink and I arrive at the 'Human Show', with the guards and Parasol. This one has a very different feel. It isn't a conformance show, with breeders bringing their wares to win bragging rights and plan breeding lines, this one is a 'neighborhood' show. There are a lot more fillies and colts, more families showing off talent and training. Oddly, it's also more organized. Signing in is easier, and the letter from the Matron gives some horse-hockey reason my body temperature doesn't cause me to spontaneously explode.

The really nerve-wracking thing is the way Parasol and Pink keep looking at the human females, and where and at whom I'm looking. I have a vague idea that they're interested in either studding me, or getting me a companion. While I appreciate the intent, I hardly need a pet, which is what another human would be. It wasn't beauty I picked my female companions for as a pit-fighter, it was calmness and intelligence. Not that they weren't nice to look at, but that wasn't the primary focus.

While Pink is chatting with a couple of others, I tug Parasol and get her to follow to a little, yellow, red-haired filly obviously outmatched by the tent she's trying to set. I brace up the tent pole with one hand and pull the guide rope taut with the other. Keeping it from slipping by standing on the slack.

The filly's hair bow matches her ears as they display her shock. "Whoa Nelly! You're a big one."

Parasol approaches. "He's harmless. Well, as long as you don't threaten his family."

The filly isn't scared. She's impressed. "Thank you."

I nod.

"You understand me?" she asks.

I need to get away from this kid, she's smarter than the average bear.

"He understands 'thank you'," Parasol says, "We'd better get back."

The filly sees a red stallion with orange hair coming over, so she pursues us. Crap. A clever pony I can do without.

"What class is he?" Hairbow asks Parasol.

"Guard," Parasol says.

Hairbow stares, then very deliberately noses me when we stop. "He seems too even tempered for a Guard class. He seems mild even for Service class."

"To protect me and my fiance, he ran a fire poker through a pegasus who was trying to beat us up in our sleep," Pink says as she arrives.

Hairbow goggles at that. She pokes me again. I deliberately pick her up and march back to her tent, set her down and walk away. "Wow!" she shouts, waving at Pink, "What's your stud fee?"

This day is not turning out well.

The first event is the obstacle course that Pink laid out in the pit, was it weeks ago? Normally, the handler ran the course beside the human. Pink runs through and just taps the edge of the barricades as she runs the course, then she stands at the final goal.

"Go!" she shouts, and I'm off.

Over the barricades, under the wire, through the tunnels, and finally up to where Pink stands.

"Stop, here," she tells me.

I take the stand position. The judges are arguing, actually they are going completely ape-shit. The rules say that the handler must direct the human during the trial. There's nothing that says the direction must be concurrent with the human running the course. Even running the course sequentially gave us a very respectable time.

One flustered judge heads over, stands on his rear hooves to turn my head one way, then another, and I must return my head to straight ahead by myself. Done and done. The judge goes over to argue with the others. The show Marshall has been called over, and neither Pink nor I can move until the judges direct.

It's almost enough to make me laugh at the ponies almost coming to blows over whether what we did was allowed or violated the rules. Finally they release us, without announcing our score.

The cloverleaf is a simple heeling exercise, with periodic halts, walk, trot, canter changes called by the judge. The human must go to a crouch on halting. I think we get a substantially greater number of 'halts' and 'canters' while we walk. It's not a problem, for me, Pink is a little winded and cross by the end of this stop-go like hell-stop business. She grumbles that they are trying to disqualify us on purpose. The rub is, every spectator knows it, and knows we excelled.

The next event is a simple chase. A target is dragged across a field. The human has to catch it. There's two types of responses. Some humans chase the object. Most in the Guard class race out to where the target will be when they arrive. A reason the classes are judged separately.

I can still run hell-for-leather, and beat the usual Guard times. As I return, I see the big, red stallion with orange hair and the sliced-open-apple mark talking with Pink.

This does not bode well.

"Our farm is first rate. We don't mistreat our stock," the stallion says.

Pink is clearly uneasy. "I am sure, but I'm afraid Percy is not for sale at any price."

The stallion is suddenly taken aback. "Ma'am, I was asking if you would be willing to train some of us. Anypony who could take the Crimson Death and make him tame enough to enter a show has got to have tricks we'd be more than willing to pay good bits for. If your human studs some of our females, that would be separate, but he's got a lot going for him."

It's all I can do not to burst out laughing as Pink and Parasol realize that the trainer was trying to hire them, not buy me.

"Actually, a certain unicorn experimented on him," Parasol says, "She did some work. We are still trying to figure out it all."

"Oh, I can't say I like that," he says, "Sorry for wasting your time." He walks away.

"Unicorn mad scientist?" Pink asks.

"What are the chances he'll ever meet Twilight?" Parasol counters.

The grooming competition is completely different from what would happen in a dog show. In this one, the Humans groom the ponies.

Brushing out Pink's mane and tail, brushing her teeth, hoof maintenance are all part of the testing. I note that the 'Service' class are almost a different phenotype from the Guard and Working classes. Most of the servants are slightly over five feet, but none except me are above five-six, and none of them have my musculature. It's a little like dealing with a pack of gangly teenagers. But none of them shows the clumsiness of youth.

I also note a good number of the female Service class humans are watching me. The judges also note my unusual techniques. Mostly due to Pink only relating the rules and us figuring out the best way to achieve them.

Again, the score is in the higher end, although several of the humans here are clearly more capable than I am.

The last part of the competition is pure Guard class. It is similar to the 'shooting hall' with pop-up targets. The weapons they have are an interesting mix. When my turn comes, I select an arming sword, several javelins and a kite shield. We didn't practice this, since Pink and even Armor expected the 'takedown the padded pony' exercise.

For a horrible instant I can imagine myself back in the pit. I master that self-deception. Step by step, I advance. I scan the area. I listen, I never let my eyes linger. I walk gingerly, not knowing if the targets are triggered by the judges, or my movements, or both.

A wood target pops up, I cut it down. Some of the targets are clearly non-threats. Others are hostages. My decision to throw the javelins at one of these causes some consternation, but I hit the bad guy in the forehead, not the hostage. I circle as I advance, trying to look in all directions. My eyes and head moving constantly.

There! No just a foal. In front: pony, knife. The target loses a head.

I walk into an ambush, at least a dozen targets pop up in rapid succession. The instincts trained long and hard into me take over. I get my shield between myself and the target, and cut them down. Stab and slash. Keep moving, dodge, attack, keep moving, keep looking. They're bundles of sticks lashed to a wooden pole with a hat on. I cut through many of them. Mixed in are some that are clearly non-targets. I push one or two of them away with my shield. None of the mock weapons touch me.

And I'm through that, still a ways to go. Another, no. That one, crossbow! A javelin takes that pony in the eye. I remove the javelin, put it with the others. I keep advancing.

The blood is singing in my ears. The old instincts are there. The artistry of the kill is not needed. I let the reflexes take over, speeding reaction. Foal, no target, armed pony behind, the javelin flies.

The gate to the exit, and it's over. I carefully set the weapons and shield aside. I need a few moments to stop being the Crimson Death reborn, and return to being silly Percy. The effect of turning it off fills me with fatigue. I sink to my knees.

For the first time, I look at the pony faces around me. The spectators. The other handlers. Even the other humans. Universally, I see fear. I am a trained killer. Not a wolf among sheep, but a bear with a machine-gun among lambs.

For my own sanity, I am glad when Pink embraces me and I don't react, other than to sag into her grip. It reminds me of what I can do is not the same as what I am. I am human, and I can kill, but I do not have to. Even when provoked, I do not have to.

Hairbow is back. But Pink and Parasol are with her. They set her on the bench I'm lying on. She carefully steps onto me with her forehooves. She presses and twists her hooves, slowly working out the kinks in my muscles.

"I never saw nothin' like that. What'd he do against a Timberwolf?" Hairbow asks Pink.

Considering she's giving me a rubdown, and fairly skillfully, I don't understand her concern.

"Probably kill it," Pink says, "If it threatened his family."

Hairbow nods. "I ain't gonna threaten his family. He'd probably kill and eat me."

Parasol enters, looking a little disheveled. "They're still arguing. Those hostage targets are supposed to be no goes, but considering he hit the hostage taker every time, there's a bit of an argument going."

Pink snorts. "I'm just glad we've done this well."

Now Hairbow snorts. " 'This well'? Highness, no rookie ever won a ribbon in this contest, ever. Nopony ever entered a Guard class in a Service event and managed even fifth. If you don't win a ribbon, there's no justice."

"Thank you," Pink tells Hairbow, who is doing an excellent job of putting me to sleep.

"How old is he?" Hairbow asks.

"At least seven, we don't really know," Pink replies.

"Highness," Hairbow replies.

"Cadence, please," Pink tells her.

"Cadence, there's no way he's seven, he can't be more than four at the outside."

Pink frowns. "Applebloom, he's been fighting in the pits for five years, the youngest he could be is six."

"My hooves tell me he's four, tops," Hairbow says.

I tune out the rest of the conversation and go to sleep. I'll let Pink deal with the biology of 'her' human.

Parasol happily squeaks and pronks up and down, Pink is trying to squeeze the stuffings out of me. Fourth place, no medal, but a ribbon, and 'better' than that, I have been advanced to Regional Graduate, which means I can automatically enter in any of the other shows. My many 'distinctive' responses to the events is going to require some heavy updating of the rules. Several of the judges admitted that it had cost me 'Best of Show'. But fourth place in both the Service and Guard classes is utterly unheard of.

I have to admit I am rather pleased by my performance. My only regret is there was no freestyle talent event. I'm sure my playing the cello would have really perplexed the judges. And the dark side of me still enjoys driving ponies up the wall. There's a fair amount of media, and they close in like vultures. Until I make it clear that all the bright lights and sticking cameras in Pink's face is not acceptable. Holding a pony up by the tail with his telephoto lens in the other hand and awaiting Pink's decision, gives the others a bit of pause, before the real guards arrive and restore order.

There's no escaping the media though. Pink was already popular, and my reputation as a pit fighter goes ahead. She gives a speech about love and tolerance, and earning the loyalty of your human through decent treatment.

It's standard ASPCA stuff, and it's also common sense if the creature you're talking about is a trained killer. The Royal Guard's humans are never hit, and rarely yelled at. No DI in the world would let a little thing like language get in the way of training a recruit. I also suspect some of the brighter humans are more trainable than the dumber ponies. After all, ignorance is curable, stupid is forever.

We ride back to the palace in an air chariot, which takes us right to the balcony of the apartment. There we disembark and go inside. Frankly, I'm exhausted. It's been a heck of a couple days in a not uncluttered week.

The news of our victory has not missed other ears. The Mighty Poof is soon over to congratulate Pink. If she owned a horse, I'd expect its head in her bed.

"Well, quite a stir, and a Regional Graduate in his first show," the Mighty Poof says, "From all the hullabaloo I would almost think he's intelligent."

"I'm sure that intelligence had something to do with it," Pink says, being painfully polite.

If I just snuck into his room and ate him, naw, too high fat. I'd have to render his head down as lard first.

"Humans are humans, they'll never be what ponies are," the Mighty Poof says.

There are historical precedents, I long to say.

"Anyway, the next show is in a few weeks," the Mighty Poof says, "You might want to enter, after you've trained yourself in how to win. Your flouting the rules cost you Best Of Show, don't you think your Ursine Persiflage deserves a better trainer than you?"

Low blow. I see Pink second-guessing herself. I sit down next to her and blot her forming tears. She smiles and rallies.

"I entered to see how well I could do. And I did better than anyone in history," she replies, "That's enough, we did very well. 'What if' is a fun game, but the reality is we did better than anyone else ever has."

Good girl.

The Mighty Poof considers a response and then leaves.

Pink sticks out her tongue at the closed door.

The entire crew is off searching for the damned book, again. I swear if it was so important, they should have put it in a secure place. Of course over a long enough history, it might once have been in a secure place, except no one can remember which.

Octavia's arrival for practice is punctual as ever. The two guards with her, especially the one with a 'comradely' foreleg around her shoulders gives a vibe that makes me wish I'd brought the fire poker to answer the door.

"You've been summoned," the second guard says.

The ferryman is going to be getting a couple of guests if this is what I think it is. Octavia is terrified and will be of no help. Killing a couple of guards will create all kinds of problems. Going with them will cause problems I might not live through.

The second guard suddenly realizes they've been moved from 'in charge' to 'on the menu'. "Wait, hold up," he says and shies, "It's safe, it's just a little . . . weird. Please, I promise you aren't going to be hurt. Nor is the lady."

The only thing that saves either of them is the red bird sitting on the molding down the corridor and urging me through gestures to play it cool. To say I'm not at all eager to 'play the game' is an understatement. But I trust Philomena, the bird likes jokes and has a bit of a mean streak, but even she wouldn't lead us into a fatal trap.

The guards are more nervous than I am, Octavia sets her cello inside the door, and plants herself firmly at my side, 'heeling' as well as I did Pink at the Human Show. I close the door and gesture for the guards to lead the way.

We go through a nearly hidden doorway, and down a set of stairs into a cross between Captain Nemo's and Dr. Frankenstein's lairs. The huge multi-keyboard pipe organ distracts both of us momentarily from the two large X-frames with the straps. Long enough that a collection of Service class humans collect Octavia and put her on the horizontal one, and I'm strapped to the vertical one by a Service class as two massive Guard class hold me in position. At the organ, lost in thought, is the Mighty Poof. He suddenly isn't so harmless anymore. The pony guards gallop away.

Philomena has followed us, she has a paper coffee cup full of corn which she pops with her heat, then eats a kernel at a time. She's obviously familiar with the antics of Blueblood the Mad.

"You two thought I wouldn't notice, thought I wouldn't care," the Mighty Poof says as he paces, then pulls out a piece of paper with notes on it.

Octavia gasps as she recognized one of her pieces.

"Arrogant Earth Pony with her human partner creating music, as if they were the master race!" he rants, "As if they were better than anypony else." "Better than everypony else," he shouts, then glares at Octavia. "You failed," he hisses and turns to the massive organ.

The glow on his horn and the glow on the keyboard sync, and he plays. Every note, every keyboard and stop, every jot and tittle of the impossibly complicated music struts out in perfect time and syncopation. It is utterly the most beautiful thing I have ever heard. He sight reads the music as his magic flows over the organ, pressing keys, changing stops, pressing pedals, never touching the organ with his hooves. Only an octopus trained by Bach himself could have physically played that piece, yet Blueblood looks as if serenity and joy were pouring out of him like a fountain.

Too soon, far too soon, it is over. Octavia has tears streaming down her cheeks.

"Ha!" he says, "Too hard for the master, too hard for a Prince of the Royal Blood? Foolish Earth Pony, yes cry, weep, and despair!" he shouts, foam rimming his lips.

"I think you missed the point," I say, "It was created to entice the master musicians to play, to separate those best, from the very best."

That he doesn't react in absolute shock, as Octavia has, to a human speaking bespeaks his madness. What crosses his face is chagrin. He addresses Octavia. "So it was meant as a tribute, a challenge to hack away the edges of boredom. For me, or any other true master." He bows. "I should have known, and I do apologize."

"I have other pieces, I can provide you with them," Octavia says as Blueblood's servants release both of us. "I cannot play them, and am grateful you found them worthy and a challenge."

"Yes," Blueblood says wistfully as he stares at the organ.

"Have you considered performing them, to an audience?" Octavia asks.

Blueblood looks at her and grins. His laughter is disturbing enough. When it dissolves into anguished sobs, it goes beyond what anyone should know. Again, I'm reminded of the straitjacket this society has put itself in. The humans cluster around Blueblood, cuddling and soothing him, and giving Octavia and I dirty looks at having disturbed him.

We take our leave, with Philomena leading the way. Before we open the door to the corridor, Octavia stops.

"That was kind of traumatic and more that a touch insane," she says, "Did you actually speak?"

I make the pony sign for crazy person, and point at Octavia.

"Good point," Octavia says, then smiles, "We cellists have to stick together. I'll be back tomorrow. I have some copies to make. I'll pick up my cello tomorrow." She heads off and I return to the apartment. I'm beginning to actively wonder if I'm the crazy one, or if this whole world is insane.

8) Now the Flugelhorn Summons Us Again

I Am Not Spartacus - Now the Flugelhorn Summons Us Again
by Dan's Comments
Based in the 'Your Human and You' universe by MadMaxtheBlack
This story is NOT canon with Your Human and You

DISCLAIMER: My Little Pony is the property of Hasbro, Inc.

Philomena convinced me to climb to the top level of the highest tower in Canterlot. There she reveals the banner she's had made. The problem is clearly how to quickly deploy it. I can't believe the bird has the time and resources to pull off this stunt as well as others. Of course, considering the reaction of ponies to my speaking aloud, insanity is pretty much a given.

"A pulley here, and one on the other tower, we pull a light wire over there, then a heavier one. And finally the banner," I tell the phoenix.

She's still shaken by the idea that there's anything non-equine as smart as her. But she flies out and returns to give me a thumbs up.

"Then that's what we'll do," I tell her.

The bird gives me a nuzzle and flies off. I survey the area around, and wonder what would really happen if I revealed my intelligence, the plays and stories I remember, and that perhaps the humans are smarter than ponies give them credit for. Not that the local humans are terribly bright, but rocks are smarter than ponies assume humans are.

The dawn is only a few minutes away, and I look down to where the Great White raises the sun. I'm no astrophysicist, but that sounds like bunkum, except I watched what happened when she was late. The sun didn't rise on time and she had to accelerate it to get it back on schedule. Maybe it isn't like our sun. After all, no creature can fly high enough to look at it. Maybe from the moon you could get an idea how high the sun actually is. What would it take to develop an Equestrian Apollo program to get a pony on the moon?

I shake my head at these ridiculous thoughts. A race still using slaves for most labor, and magic they don't understand the physics and chemistry of to create 'modern' creature comforts. This place is like the Flintstones, not the Jetsons.

I head back to the apartment. I spot the Mighty Poof. He ducks his head and races off. At least one good thing came of that insanity.

The Great White looks one way, then the other. She cranes her neck and looks into the tub. She laps gently, catlike, the tip of her tongue flicking in and out for a few moments. Satisfied, she settles in like a swan, wings folded, her legs beneath letting her maneuver around in the tub. On the bottom, I shake my head at the foolishness of the maneuver. Although, grabbing her tongue might have been interesting too.

I leap up and catch her head and pull her under, turning her upside down. She thrashes her legs and wings in surprise, but I hang on. She twists to get her wings in the right orientation to lift off, but that lets me get her neck in a leg lock and force her head down. She has trouble lifting with unusual balance of my weight on her neck. Then I get sneaky, as it starts to glow, I rub the skin at the base of her horn, soft then hard then soft. Her horn begins to flicker like a light in a faulty socket. Despite her peril, her wings begin to stiffen to the point of uselessness. I put my lips and tongue on the side of her horn and begin to stroke up and down. She 'poofs' like a peacock, and flight is no longer an option. Her cheeks are bulging and her eyes wild until she lets out a gasp. Not the wisest thing to do with someone holding your head in a tub.

She thrashes violently for a moment, then changes tactics and lets her whole body sink. Once her hooves are on the bottom of the tub, she rears up to raise her head above the tub's rim. Her attempt to gasp lungfuls of air has my hands to contend with, as I cover both her nose and mouth so she gets no air, and my feet reach some of her more ticklish spots. Not only does she not get her breath, but she's laughing with her head beneath the rim of the tub.

After a few moments, she spasms, gasps, and her legs stop moving. She floats limply. I walk across the bottom of the tub to drag her head 'ashore', and the rest of her body where I can reach it from the shallow end of the tub as she stands up.

Her desire to be ambushed and 'taken' is a little disturbing, considering mares are generally the sexual aggressors in pony-society. Of course 'drowning' someone in a tub filled with air has got to be one of the weirder set ups I've been involved in, but I have a Masters in Theater and I'm good enough to actually teach, at a small college but still that's the top five-percentile of people like me, so I can play a part as well as the next guy. And it could be a fetish she's harbored, having to be strong and infallible for her entire nation for so long, the idea of willingly playing the victim and a failure having a pleasant consequence could be very liberating. I was adamant about no water in the tub. Even if she could go without breathing as she claimed, even silly Percy didn't like the chance of a miscalculation. Besides, as the ambusher, I can't breathe water, and I was not eager to wrestle with her in a medium she could survive and I couldn't.

While she didn't move, her eyes were open and she watched intently as I moved around her. Her mane and tail still 'billowed' and I moved through them so she could sense me behind her.

Stallions and human males are roughly the same size. Alicorns are considerably larger than either, assuming she didn't make me some immensely endowed freak as part of her spell. So as a human, forget it, I couldn't reach any of the good parts by dropping my pants and going to work. Fortunately, I am wiry, rather than a steroid kid. So there was something I can use, that is thick enough to satisfy and just happens to have some pretty useful stuff at the end.

She gasps as I wriggle my arm inside, keeping my hand as small as I can. I watch her expression, and feel her tail curl around me protectively. I have a little room to move it, so I brush my knuckles and fingertips along the inside as I push deeper.

Despite being 'dead', she shimmies, gasps and sighs as she watches me intently. I'm a little ways past the wrist when my fingers encounter a fleshy wall. As I stroke it, the Great White faces front and rears slightly with what sounds like a regular horse's whinny. I push my arm in a bit more, so my fingers can explore more thoroughly.

The Great White sounds more like Parasol with her little squeaks, and she's doing the 'excited pony dance' of raising a foot at a time as if marching in place. But she's speeding up the dance from usual, as if running in place. The bathroom mirror provides a view of her utterly goofy smile and wild-eyes in all their glory. A photo of just that expression and no context at this moment would provide blackmail material for a thousand years.

The 'dance' is getting a lot more lively and high-stepping, and she's swiveling her hips and shoulders. Then I start twisting my arm, brushing the fingers and knuckles one way and the other. When she lets out another whinny, this one considerably louder, I know I found my target. I raise my other hand to work her clitoris out of phase with my hand inside, hard then soft, then hard again.

Her head drops and her neck extends, as if I've shoved a 10-foot rod in there and all the way out her mouth, instead of my forearm in a little ways. Her horn glows so brightly it's hard to look at as she gasps. Then all sound stops, and she lets out what would have been an ear-shattering cry.

Armor's horn glows as he passes it over my arm. Where it passes, the bruise goes from the color of his mane, to the light yellow of the bruise near my elbow and wrist. Slowly the area of my arm between wrist and elbow is being healed.

"You two have got to stop playing so rough," Pink scolds the Great White as she paces across the living room of her apartment. She's clearly uncomfortable disciplining her aunt and ruler.

The larger alicorn adopts a 'cute and put-upon' expression and ear posture. "But I got excited," she says and pouts slightly.

"Your Highness. You might have broken his arm," Armor says as he works, "You must simply learn not to break other ponies' toys."

That gets him a death-glare from the pair, which he ignores and keeps working. I reach over and scratch him behind the ears, and give a death glare of my own at the two of them.

"All right," the Great White relents, "Not so rough next time." The smile portends pay back. "He'll have to teach Armor all his tricks for your wedding night."

Armor focuses on his job, while Pink stammers incoherently. Settling on, "Auntie!"

The Great White giggles at her niece's flustered expression. "And he's got all kinds of ideas." She takes her leave.

Pink facehooves as Armor finishes the healing. My arm's still sore, but it doesn't hurt like it did. Armor motions for me to move it. I do, and there's no reduced effectiveness.

"I sometimes wonder if all the 'Molestia' jokes are true," Pink says, "Not about foals, and such, but about guards, the other ambassadors, various farm equipment."

"I can state with some certainty, that Percy is the first in living memory," Armor stands and shakes himself before continuing, "She scares most ponies too much. You reacted the same way to Percy the Alicorn as I did. Percy may be the only one in Canterlot immune."

"Heck of a vaccination," Pink says and nuzzles me, she seems near to tears again. "Why does she do it? Doesn't she understand how many ponies do love her?"

None of you ever touch her. Even here in your rooms, neither of you will. I don't understand Pony psychology, but she desperately needs more than a hoofshake and the ablutions by her maids. Poor lady needed a kitten, and she got a tiger cub, of course we play rough.

The pit is back to hand-to-hand training. Pink and Armor are in gis, so is the Great White. Strangely, Parasol is in one and accompanying us. I half expect to see Dust Bunny, but the lessons start late enough, he might have to open his shop.

"Well, Twilight should be in Ponyville," Armor says, "I still think we should check up on her, surreptitiously."

"Now that's the overprotective big brother I remember," Pink says and grins, "She'll be fine. She's a grown unicorn. Besides, it's only the Summer Sun Celebration."

Ponyville, that's the town near the Everfree. It might be nice to scout the place out before I leave. Well, with 'family' there, it should be no problem. Then I notice the Great White's nervousness. I get the feeling there's more to kicking her student out of the nest than she's letting on.

I pair Muttonchops up with Parasol, for basic training. Armor and Pink pair off, and I work with the Great White.

Armor and Pink are fine. Muttonchops is the old veteran trying to teach a young officer, firm but not abrasive. But the Great White's timing is off, her follow through is lacking, and her mind is a million miles away. Probably with Twilight.

"I apologize, I'm worried," the Great White says. "This is Twilight's mission. It's very important, and no one can really help her. Although all of us want to."

Armor and Pink nod. I don't know, I've never met the lady. Other than the incident with the wire and the fall into the pond, but we hardly had a chance to compare scars or snapshots.

The practice sort of winds down after that.

"If it's okay with you two, I'd like to spend the Summer Sun Celebration with, well, him. If it's okay?" Parasol says, and looks nervously at the grinning pair.

"We will be certain Percy doesn't burn down the kitchen," Pink says. Parasol and Armor chuckle at that.

Just for that, I'm cooking a spinach souffle. Let's see your pony brains ignore that. Give you both a migraine that'll last a year.

Unlike the previous experience I've had with trains, this one I get to ride in the coaches, rather than as freight. And this one is a royal coach. I think a New Orleans whorehouse scrubbed clean after each use would look, and smell this way. So much for souffle revenge.

"Celestia didn't specifically order us not to go see Twilight," Pink explains, as much to justify herself as to calm Armor.

"Yeah, Ponyville is a quiet nowhere, the guard doesn't even have to maintain a permanent presence there," Armor says, "What could possibly happen?"

I'm brushing out his mane, which is calming him, until something reminds him what he's doing.

"It's her mission," Armor counters.

"Her 'mission' was to set up the Summer Sun Celebration. That'll be done by the time we arrive," Pink says, "All we're going to do is arrive and tell her how proud we are of the job she did."

Armor is wavering. He isn't happy about this, but he can't seem to give a coherent argument why. "Something's going to go wrong," he manages.

"Get some sleep. Percy and I will protect you from the big bad monsters," Pink says and nods to me, "Won't you Percy?"

I get a grim expression and nod back.

"See, perfectly safe," Pink says and settles back onto the bench that doubles as a bunk.

I keep brushing out Armor's mane. He magically lifts a blanket to cover up Pink, and settles in my lap to go to sleep. I put the brush aside and glance around the 'Royal' coach we're riding in, and note that it has a place to strap down a recalcitrant human. Charming. But more nobles use these coaches than the royals do. And their tastes definitely don't run to the Great White's idea of mutual play. Pity, the best aphrodisiac is a highly enthusiastic partner.

Both nervously chuckle at the possibility of 'Twilie' in a place with no real problems. Both are too wound up, opening their eyes to look out the window at the darkness. On a train bound for 'nowhere'.

I swear if Kenny Rogers walks in singing 'The Gambler', I'm jumping out the window. Oh to Hell with it, this is too good to pass up. I start singing it myself. Both Armor and Pink are just staring at me. I'll admit, I'm not as good as 'The Gambler' himself, and I'm a baritone, but I do a fairly good rendition a cappella.

On finishing, I ignore the two absolutely stunned ponies who are still staring at me. I make the mistake of glancing out the window, and the familiar lunar pattern of craters and mare have changed. If it was lunar vulcanism, the dark areas would have expanded, not the light. Unless lunar lava was completely different from back on Earth.

I'm left with that mystery for a little while. The pair are glancing from each other, to me, and back, not saying anything with words. But a plan of action is forming. It'll be interesting to watch.

Then the entire train tries to come to a complete halt. Pink is thrown into the cushions of the bench, but Armor and I are thrown forward. I flip over the bench Pink is on to roll across the floor, and I hear a meaty thunk and groaning. So Armor may be alive, but in no condition to help any of the others who may be injured by the sudden deceleration.

The purple-blue miasma that seeps into the coach doesn't help matters. It's at times like this I wish I knew some chemistry or alchemy. Is the smoke part of the train, or something else?

Something else.

Oh for Christ's sake! ANOTHER alicorn? Five years I never heard of the blessed things, now I can't even sneeze without one or two saying Zu Hund Scheit. Only this one's blue. A few shades darker than the room we've been preparing for the Great White's sister. I think I know what happened, and I know who you are my pretty. Let's hope the sisters are similar.

"So you are my replacement? To warm the heart of dear Celestia?" the Purple Menace says, like she's auditioning for a distaff Darth Vader role. She doesn't even notice me walking around behind her as she stares at a terrified Pink and a still hors' de Train Wreck Armor.

You are going to pay for your arrogance. If you are like your sister, I have so many ways to drive you crazy.

"Percy! NO!" Pink shouts in alarm as she watches me approach.

This one is pretty, the way the Great White is pretty. Same flowing mane, same majesty. She's not as nice or composed as the Great White, but I give her 8.5 out of 10 on the Celestia scale.

She turns away from Pink to face me. "What are you going to do, little one?" she says, crooning as her mane touches and strokes, "Are you the fierce guard of this useless one?"

Lady, you have no idea. And what's this 'little' shit, I'm a half head taller than you are. I touch her muzzle, and she doesn't shy away. Then I slip my fingers under her helmet and rub the base of her horn. Her mane must be telling her I have no hostile intentions. I've learned all kinds of non-hostile ways to totally disable a unicorn or alicorn. She backs up as I rub and stroke, then she lowers her head, and I put my lips and tongue on the side of her horn, running them up and down the shaft.

Unlike the delay to get Celestia warmed up, this one 'poofs' immediately, her wings up and fluffed out. She's groaning, as if struggling to get the words out.

"I am darkness, and evil," she gasps.

You're a lollipop. How many licks does it take to get to the center of an alicorn? I let my teeth scrape against her horn.

She cries out and moves in slow motion as if she's trying to shake me off.

The world may never know.

Her mane is telling a different story. Celestia's mane would brush my skin with its length, like wiping with a cloth. The Purple Menace uses just the tips, as if clawing, but the mane is so soft, its like running an artist's brush across my skin instead.

Pink gets the message. She collects Armor and quietly bolts from the car. Good girl. Everything I taught you would be useless. Everything I may eventually teach Armor would be too squicky for you to use. But me. Happy pony equals alive Percy. She deliberately backs her butt into a corner of the coach, as if I needed that way in. This one's struggles are to get back in control of the situation. She's failing miserably as she gasps and moans.

"I am the night," she manages and pulls her head away from my grip as her mane gets a grip on me. "They worked and played in my sister's day, but ignored my beautiful night!" she says, "So I became the night, dark and evil!"

"The night is for lovers," I tell her, and put one hand back under her helmet as she stares in stunned amazement at me, the other hand begins massaging her neck. She's as tense as the Great White was that first time, and reacting to having that tension released as her estranged sister did. "Poor Beautiful Night, no one to show her, to play the night games with her. I can show you the worship offered you, in the night."

Her eyes have glazed as she stares at me, and her eyes slowly start closing as she leans into my hand rubbing the base of her horn. I oblige and rub harder.

"This is what they were doing," I whisper in her ear, and give it a soft bite. She nickers at the touch. "Not in Celestia's day, all for your night, inspired by Beautiful Night. They made tools and toys and crops in the day. They made more ponies during the night."

"No," she says softly, "No, no, no."

Then her eyes blaze white. "TRICKSTER!" she says as she advances and shakes off my hands, "A PLOY TO GET YOUR MISTRESS TO SAFETY. YOU TAKE ME FOR A FOOL?"

I comb my fingers through her mane as it twines around me. "No, no trick, no foolishness. Just an offer of bliss." I smile at her, and she backs up a step.

The mare looks around. "Discord! Is this your toy?" She waves a hoof at me. "It no longer amuses me."

"I can amuse you myself, if you'll let me," I tell her.

"SILENCE!" she says. The mane tightens, but it's half-hearted. Her mane shows her what I'm feeling, at least crudely, and I have no malice. My desire is plain enough, although I am hoping to convince the Great White's sister to free herself from, I'm guessing Nightmare Moon. Oh, much malice at whoever made that pun.

"I will kill you, slowly, over decades," she says.

I kiss an errant wisp of mane. "Sound like fun," I tell her, "I've got pretty good stamina, and I'll love watching you go through the little death, over and over. Maybe I can see how many you can take before you pass out. We could start right now."

"I am going to murder you!" she says, although she's blushing like a filly at her first dance, "And you talk of servicing my loins?! What madness made you?"

"Other ponies," I tell her, "Make love, not war. You want to see if it works?"

She tosses me at the door to the coach and stands at the far end, panting like a blown race horse. Again, the toss is light enough I land easily.

"YOU DISGUST ME!" she shouts. Her heaving breath and 'poofed' wings tell me that disgusted or not, she's not uninterested.

"I could just brush out your mane," I ask as I approach, "Would that be better? Maybe I came on too strong. I can start off slow, if that's what you want." I gesture. "Or your wings, they're so stiff and sore, just rub them and make them feel so much better."

With a screech of frustration, she turns back into mist and sails out the window. I watch her go and make sure she doesn't loop back towards the train.

Well, if she's gone, what's that? I lift my kilt and look down. The line from 'The Scotsman' comes to mind as the patch of blue tightens and loosens, tiny little electric shocks, not enough to hurt, but definitely jumpstarting what they're wrapped around. Suddenly it unwraps. The end waves and it darts after the rest of the Purple Menace.

Seems some of her thinks I'm worth a first prize ribbon too.

I rearrange my kilt, center myself and head back into the next car. There are a lot of hurt ponies, and other ponies helping them. Pink practically tackles me as I enter.

"Oh Percy, you big dummy! I would never have held you to that promise if it meant facing Nightmare Moon!" she tearfully shouts at me as she hugs me. She has no idea what her little speech does to most of the ponies in the rest of the train car.

I hug her back, then kneel to check on Armor. He's conscious, but one pupil is tiny, the other practically covers the entire eye. I'm no expert, but that can't be good.

"Is she gone?" Pink asks quietly.

I nod.

"Then, we, sure, she'll, get, moving," Armor says, his voice slurred and slow.

"Right," Pink tells him and nuzzles him. She turns to me. "Did she hurt you, did she do anything to you, or something?" she asks.

I cock my head, and so only she can see, I grin. Her look of shock is heartrending, but she masters herself quickly.

"I think we can live with that," she says, "We have to get this train moving. I think Canterlot is still closer."

I point to her then Armor, and stand.

"Somehow I don't doubt you," Pink says and touches her horn to Armor's head.

I leave the coach and climb down to the ground. The moonlight is bright enough to view the undercarriage. I'm no expert, but it seems all the wheels I pass on my way to the locomotive are still on the track. In the cab of the locomotive, a shaken engineer and fireman are confronting a brown-maned stallion with an hourglass cutie-mark. The arrival of a human distracts the railroad ponies.

I draw myself up. "I am the avatar of Celestia Solar, ruler of Equestrian, what is the delay?"

The railroad ponies are actually relieved to be dealing with my claim over the idea of a talking human. "Highness, we just had an encounter with Nightmare Moon, there were dozens of Timberwolves out there."

"Four," the other pony says crossly.

"They are gone, and you have many wounded ponies aboard, proceed to Canterlot or Ponyville, whichever would be most expedient," I tell them, "You are the railroad, the broad shoulders on whom all commerce depends."

The railroad ponies puff out their chests. The hourglass pony just rolls his eyes. Then they deflate slightly. "What if they're still out there?"

"This human is the Crimson Death, a pit fighter of great repute, he will guard you as you examine your train."

"Time Turner, your majesty," the hourglass pony says, "We've met, but you might not recognize me."

"They will guard you. Make haste, or I will place in this human's mind, insatiable hunger," I tell them, and grin. As it fades, I return to Percy's placid expression and climb down out of the cab. The two railroad ponies get lanterns and one accompanies me, the other Time Turner. The inspection is quick, and finds little wrong with taking it slowly back to Canterlot.

I accompany Time Turner back to his coach. There is the off chance something almost as nasty as me is out there.

"Terrestrial Humans," Time Turner says and chuckles, "Amazing mix of gentle and vicious."

For the first time in five years, real hope rises. "You know about Earth? You could take me home?"

"Which Earth?" he asks. His shame is obvious.

"Can't you do a quantum resonance scan or something?" I ask, desperate to hold out any hope for returning to my lost life.

"Sure, right after I reverse the polarity of the neutron flow," he replies, "Do I look like Jon Pertwee to you? You've been watching too much of that other show."

"I just want to get away from here," I reply.

"You had five years and all the training needed to get out any time you wanted. Admittedly, it was all the way out, but you still had an escape route," he replies, "Do you really want out, or do you just want a bit of a stable life?"

I honestly can't answer. I never considered the possibility. "Can you tell me if there are others, humans like me, on the planet?"

"Can, but may not," he says, "You can find them yourself. You just have to read the right newspapers."

He climbs up to his coach, and I sprint towards mine as the train begins backing up. In the coach, Armor is staying awake, with his head in Pink's lap. The two are piecing together the lyrics to The Gambler and chuckling about Nightmare Moon's dream manipulation.

One of these days, I'm going to do something and present them with irrefutable proof. And lots of little, pony brains are going to explode.

Armor spots me, and waves me over. As I sit on the floor beside the bench they rest on, Armor puts a foreleg around my shoulders and pulls me close. Then Pink hugs me with a wing. Both are tired and frightened, but they are grateful I'm all right, and we're together.

I honestly don't know how to take all of this. Eventually, I fall asleep in their arms, limbs, whatever. I'm the only one who would be allowed to.

The dream that follows looks like what you'd get if Hannibal Lector did a Skittles commercial that passed the Moral Guardians (TM) but just barely. I am guessing it is a rundown of the events in Luna's life that led Little Blue into becoming the Purple Menace. If Nightmare sent it to me to drive me insane, she needs to visit the fighting pits more often. I watch the Great White and Little Blue's battles against a bunch of inhuman beasties, resulting in a loosening of her and her sister's grip on sanity. Followed by growing alienation and resentment. Considering they were inseparable during the battles, that estrangement had to hit both very hard.

The Great White becoming the source and center of everything, and Little Blue getting pushed off to the side. True or not, it's what Little Blue or the Purple Menace feels. Then the Purple Menace facing the Great White, who has armed herself with a constellation of magic maguffins.

The display picks up with the restored Purple Menace in the modern day, facing off against a bunch of ponies, and one human. Some are revenge or trying to terrify them into submission. She has the ponies pissing themselves, except for Sparkle and her friends. The 'attacks' on the Sparkle's group looks like something out of a hero-training montage rather than a series of murder attempts. I suspect Little Blue's influence was greater than the Purple Menace cared to admit.

Finally, the purple unicorn gets the maguffins, different from the Great White's, and zaps the Purple Menace. What the 'I am evil, darkness, etc. BOO!' goes through in those last, few moments is vastly unpleasant. Getting torn to pieces is never fun. The weird, scary and tragic part is that some of those pieces were actually fond of Little Blue.

The dream ends before I can see the fate of those pieces, but I don't know how long they'll survive as part of a separate subpiece, or if they were fond like parasites are fond, or if they were genuinely taken along for the ride. Something to keep me up at night.

Reports are now coming in that Twilight Sparkle led a team, now known as the Bearers of the Elements of Harmony, to defeat Nightmare Moon, and rescue Princess Celestia's long lost sister Luna. Neither Armor's condition, nor Pink's desire to watch over him made a trip to Ponyville for the celebration possible.

Philomena and I make a few of our own preparations for the celebration in Canterlot proper. I also start reading the All-Equestria News: tail-extensions not going to ask, all the things you aren't supposed to eat is typical crap, which celebrity is hanging out or more with which celebrity is uninteresting, and humans who avoid capture is more like it. What do I do with the information?

Watching the various functionaries try to decide where to house a second princess is a scream. Although there are a few tense moments when they start eying the space the Great White already prepared. Philomena's presence reminds them of the interest the Great White had/has in that area. The decorations they plan, has the two of us in hysterics, considering we both know how the Great White decorated Little Blue's new home.

Consequently, I'm there, looking through the large telescope, as the new Diarchs of Equestrian arrive. Philomena is in one of the two towers, awaiting in the other are the loads of sandbags. As the royal coach moves through the city, the Great White is waving to the adoring crowds. Little Blue is much more hesitant. Personally, if any part of what the Purple Menace said was true, I would have brought her in just after twilight, to an 'illumination' have the streets lit up and show that Canterlot doesn't sleep just because the sun went down. But for the crowds, broad daylight is better. And they didn't ask me.

The parade continues past the cheering crowds, and is nearing the most important turn. Most important for me and Philomena. The red streak from one tower to the other goes unnoticed by the crowds. A few moments later, the heavy wire comes across. While the phoenix couldn't carry it across, she can pull it through, and hook it up to the sandbags. Then the phoenix is gone. Another telescope lets me see the wire is unreeling as it should, and I shouldn't have long to wait. A few guards are noticing something, but they are out of position to react.

I return to the main telescope. There they come around the corner, and the movement catches their eyes. The banner unfolds perfectly. Guards are charging up the towers, as the Great White stares at Philomena's and my handiwork. I can watch their lips work out what we have placed for all to see over the entire capital.

ALL HAIL SUNBUTT, MAY HER PLOT NEVER LESSEN AND HER FLANK EVER SHINE!

ALL LOVE TO MOONBUTT! SMITE US WITH YOUR ADORABLENESS, WE CAN TAKE IT!

WELCOME HOME THE BOTH OF YOU.

Both are 'bullet pointed' by their respective cutie-marks. And the entire parade sort of grinds to a stupefied halt. Nothing can compare with the sight of 50,000+ screaming ponies all having an attack of collective apoplexy. Some are laughing, some are outraged, some like the Great White and Little Blue are just staring at the banner waiting for their brains to reboot.

I am truly glad Armor and Pink have been out of commission for the past few days, there is no way this can be blamed on them. Although I can see them in the reviewing stand, Armor with his head bandaged is doing a double facehoof, and Pink has her jaw hanging open so far I can look down and see what she had for lunch last week.

Sunbutt's and Moonbutt's brains come back online approximately at the same time, and they rest against each other as they try not to fall over laughing.

There'll be an inquiry, and the guards have found the remote mechanism, and the set up. The banner can be traced, but as one of the few beings who might be implicated I will be passed over on two seconds' reflection. I can sit back with a metaphoric bag of popcorn and watch the poo fight on monkey island.

Hey, they want to be so vehement in their denials of the possibility of my intellect, I am more than happy to use that for all the entertainment value it is worth.

The rest of the town gets to see the Great White and Little Blue hugging and laughing all the way to the palace. Moving the entire procession into the palace proper falls apart whenever either or both of them catch sight of the banner flapping in the breeze. The giggles return and so does the need to hold the other.

For a bunch of ponies who supposedly live on friendship, it is an important and jarring lesson for most of them.

9) Though Embattled We Are

I Am Not Spartacus -Though Embattled We Are
by Dan's Comments
Based in the 'Your Human and You' universe by MadMaxtheBlack
This story is NOT canon with Your Human and You

DISCLAIMER: My Little Pony is the property of Hasbro, Inc.

I am becoming ever more convinced that ponies are fundamentally insane. Pink has brought me to another human show. Okay, that's not the nutso part. The meeting with Lady Horn Swoggle was not the nutso part, of course me 'listing' as I stood behind Pink was a scream, as obsessive compulsive and sneering don't go well together. She kept twisting her head one way, and then straightening up, as if she couldn't figure how I was leaning to the side on flat ground. That wasn't nutso, that was just fun.

No, the nutso part is the judges nearly getting into a hoof fight over the interpretation of the rules. It's a damn pet show, either agree to disagree, or refer the matter to a higher authority. I'm beginning to suspect that Pink is enjoying setting off these little tiffs, and then using her power to calm them down.

The Mighty Poof is here, with a collection of humans. I watch him closely, and realize that the 'shady-characters' he's been hanging out with are breeders who've fallen on hard times and are accepting his patronage, to raise humans 'the Blueblood way', i.e., how Pink has been treating me: as a critter with feelings and desires. He was never 'cheating' as people thought, even me I'm ashamed to say. His humans excelled because they honestly wanted to please him. 'Happy pony means happy Percy' only applied to the native humans.

Of course he takes Pink to task about a few things in her methods. And she gets sore, but he tells us before the actual judging. My reaction is that when a blue-ribbon winner tells you trade secrets, you shut up and listen. Pink, to her credit, puts aside the bile about who told her, and considers what he told her.

It makes for fewer arguments among judges, which spoils the fun, but we do move up substantially in the rankings. The Mighty Poof didn't tell us these tips to give us a chance to challenge him, this is a conformal show, and I am so far out of the accepted ranges for Guard and Service class, that I need to make huge strides in the performance section of those categories to even have a chance.

The Mighty Poof's humans do their usual spectacular job, they are everything the judges want, and I note they are highly motivated to improve. When I perform an event, the Mighty Poof and his humans watch intently. They'll never match my performance in a million years, but they are experts in how to win these contests. As I said, when a blue-ribbon winner is showing you the tricks of the trade, you shut up and listen.

The second day is where the trouble starts. The Ponies for the Humane treatment of Humans, or PHH, show up. They aren't overturning tables, or attacking ponies. They are casually walking around, especially where the fillies and colts are working with humans, and setting off loud noises and acting just as shocked as everyone else. A sharp horn blast, a loud bang, or other, and the humans would start and have to be calmed down. Basically, they were ruining the experience for the kids, probably intentionally so the kids wouldn't want to continue. Or because if they did that crap to the adults, the adults would pound the snot out of them.

I'm vastly more inclined to believe the latter than the former. I never saw one of those punks in the fighting circuits, because they aren't brave enough to risk getting into trouble their daddy and mommy's money and lawyers can't get them out of. Like all the 'Human Rights Groups' who'd say not a word about Red China or the Soviet Union, because if they investigated in there, they'd wind up dead. I have no respect for them, or these ponies who are out 'doing good' by ruining a few other ponies' days, without addressing the real problem.

They don't even try with the Guard classes. For fear the owners will set their guard-humans on them.

Through it all, Blueblood and his team photograph them. He and his humans seem to always have a camera pointed in the right direction. I understand the tactic. Lord Skyscraper Nose is trying to get some rules change at the club, and the Mighty Poof throws out 'wasn't your son/daughter the one who disrupted that human show, speaks very poorly of your breeding and discipline.' I'm guessing, but the blackmail potential for social embarrassment is just too great.

The third day shows the scoring, giving me another solid fourth in both Guard and Service classes, no medal, but a ribbon, and much happiness for Pink. In the classes he entered, which is nearly all of them, the Mighty Poof usually medaled twice, and often got a ribbon as well for his humans. Say what you want, his humans deserved it, and so did he.

Back in the apartment, Pink is fuming a little. "I can't believe they marked him down for the shape of his teeth," she says as she paces, " 'Clearly artificial and in extremely bad taste.'"

Armor and I glance at each other, and when she swings around, both of us grab her and haul her onto the couch like a net full of fish. Armor drags her into a hug, I start giving her a back rub.

"NO fair! I wanted to be mad!" she complains.

"Yes, dear, I understand dear," Armor says in a monotone, and nibbles at the base of her horn.

Oh, they grow up so fast, and learn so quickly. Soon, instead of all of her aflutter, only her eyelids are. "No fair," she says as she snuggles in Armor's lap.

Armor and I exchange another glance, and continue with what we're doing until she's half-sleep.

"You and Percy should be proud of how well you did," he tells her as he rubs his horn on hers, "Even with all the marks against you, you more than made up for them where he, and you, could shine."

"I wanted to beat him," Pink says as she sighs and rubs back.

"Blueblood's been at this since he was a kid and started medaling before he got his cutie-mark. You're up against a seasoned expert my dear, and you aren't going to leap ahead of him no matter the natural talent of your human," Armor says.

Pink grumps, but seems quiescent.

With Little Blue occupying our former love nest, arranging a time with the Great White is difficult. Her boudoir is one in layout only, an office, bedroom and dressing room. Similar to the first floor of Little Blue's suite. The austerity of the place makes me think of Patton, rather than Madame Pompadour. The bed is a pile of cushions around a padded mat. On seeing it, I first thought of the Shogun at Versailles. The sheer number of pillows gives me an idea for later. It's the last piece of 'furniture' that make it a 'later' idea.

All the clues which had faithfully served to let me differentiate mares from stallions fell apart when applied to the two, massive guards stationed in the Great White's room. They were as big as the apple stallion, but more graceful, but that's just the difference between a welterweight boxer and a heavyweight wrestler. Their features were effeminate, but not distinctly feminine. Not a muscle moved on them as I walked in, except the eyes. They tracked me the entire time.

I can't help it, I did a fairly decent soft shoe routine and a couple of cartwheels.

"Yes, they are alive," the Great White says after she snorts in amusement. "And they'll be here to guard me from you."

I look from her to them and back. I get the distinct impression someone is being trolled.

My expression makes the Great White giggle. Then she cast her spells. She appears in her human form, and I as her alicorn. The first crack in the guards' stoic mein appears. The Great White's craftsmanship is clear.

I face them. Both are sweating slightly. "Hello. Ce-lestia and Percy . . . play. Loud play, maybe looks like hurts, but is not. Looks like danger, smells like danger, but is not." I glance at the Great White.

"Go on," she tells me, "You're doing fine."

A talking human shocks the guards a bit, but they rally. I do notice they're breathing heavily. Maybe it isn't the 'talking' part that's got them hot and bothered.

"The Gr - Cel-estia likes to play," I say then cower and whimper and shy, "So Percy very scary for her."

"Safe - word," one of the guards gets out, it sound like she's being strangled. She's starting to do a subdued version of the excited pony-dance, one knee flexing at a time.

"What a wonderful idea," the Great White says, "If I am really in trouble I say something like 'candle wax'."

"If you not like Percy, you beat him on walls until grease stain," I say in my most confused tone.

The Great White giggles and gives the guard a kiss. A long, sensuous kiss. Then I give her one, and her ears rise so firmly, it lifts her helmet. I realize they must be Earth Ponies, because the way they're blushing, if they were pegasi, their wings would be bursting out of their armor.

"What first?" the Great White asks, finger on her chin as she muses. That she's staring at the guards make them especially nervous.

I snort loudly. "Begging for mercy!" I catch her up in my mane, and she tries the 'wrestle' her hair against mine. Hey, if the guards want to be furniture, they're furniture.

I give her a belly buzzer as strands of my mane tickle all her most sensitive spots and soon the absolute ruler of Equestria has been reduced to a squealing, begging mess. And while anyone with eyes could see alicorn-Percy is just as excited, I'm not using that monster on the Great White. Not when the alicorn tongue is a lot more nimble. She cries out as I wriggle inside her, probing and touching, while my upper lip massages her clitoris.

A college girlfriend once told me women are like semiconductors, large energy gap to overcome at first, then thousands of discrete levels of excitation/deexcitation. I never could figure out if it was her theory, or a bit of nerd, post-coital pillow talk, we shared a circuit design class and she was majoring in chemistry. I do know we tried it out after finals and by switching out lips and tongue and fingers, I managed to keep her in the 'excited' state for about two hours of excitation/deexcitation.

That's pretty much my goal here. The Great White has been getting these Grand Mal orgasms, or like the little ones when I gave her the rubdown. I'm going for something in the middle. I find her G-spot and rub that to climax, then work on her clitoris, then slowly work both. Then tickling and stroking. It's plain-vanilla stuff we've done before, but by pacing myself, alicorn stamina, and letting myself get an incredible case of blue balls, I'm able to keep it up for about an hour and a half, until the Great White resumes her alicorn form.

"You nearly wore me out," she chides, still blushing nearly pink as she rubs her horn on mine. "That's not fair to Percy. He might take both guards, and where would he be then? All alone and bored."

The guards have a distinctly frazzled look, as Armor has described his sister getting.

"You can let Percy decide what is unfair to Percy," I reply, "There a word, for giving free what another would pay the whole world."

"Arbitrage?" the Great White says.

"Love," I tell her as I put my hooves gently on her cheeks, "I love to watch you happy. Pink and the Great White only ponies who I know don't mean fighting and maybe dying tomorrow. Is worth all in the world to Percy."

"Oh Percy," she says, tears streaming down her cheeks, before she enfolds me in an 'alicorn hug': forelegs, wings, mane and tail. The guards look like they want to join in. Then return to being the 'Queen's Guard'.

After a few moments we break.

"Well, if it is that important to you," she offers, "I shall not deny you."

I bow, as my mane comes in from the flanks. But I don't actually touch her, just wiggle the mane near her where she can see it. The Great White squeals and flinches and I make another ostentatious show from another direction. Soon, she writhing and shrieking on the bed, with me barely touching her, just enough she knows I made contact.

You have fallen to the ancient art of Zen Tickling, and I have a black feather boa in the art. Once or twice the Great White tries to rally. She's most successful when she duplicates the 'hornjob' gripping my horn in her mouth and running her lips and tongue over it. If I'd had it charged, that would have been it. But uncharged it just felt really good.

No wonder I could defeat the Purple Menace, if that's what it feels like with no resonance, I can't imagine what I put the Purple Menace and the Great White through. Entirely pleasurable, but mind blowing.

This time it's two and a half hours, alicorn stamina, and pain tolerance, is nothing to sneeze at. Our stamina, my pain tolerance, not blowing my load has been getting progressively more difficult, moving into real pain on occasion. I am getting the sneaking suspicion that this is partially a bit of punishment for the guards. When I've had a moment to notice, they've alternated among lustful, pained, terrified, and flabbergasted. If the Great White wants performance art, I can do that. It's not like I'm that interested in mares, but when I'm a horse-shape too, I can easily see how she would attract the eye (and other parts).

The Great White notices my excitement as she cools down after a particularly intense period. "Percy," she says, "Why don't you, uh, shoot? That's - that can't be comfortable." She reaches up with a hoof and I shy away.

"Ah," I reply a little shamefully, "Percy is only good for once, then, all sleepy." I mime going to sleep. It's the truth. My fiance joked she could give me a handjob, then a root canal, and I wouldn't wake up. I don't think she ever tried it, but then I wouldn't have been awake. She did do exactly that when my leg was in a cast and the itching was driving me crazy. Another reason I loved that girl.

The Great White grins. "Then maybe a little cuddling after," she says, "Maybe a little more familiar setting." And both of us are human. Her mane still curls and touches me here and there as her arms gather me in and lay me down on the bed.

Without the alicorn stamina, the exertions of what I've done take the wind out of my sails. She's barely settled her self across my hips and begins bobbing up and down when I blow. She chuckles. "You were trying so hard," she says as she gathers me in. I want to hold her for a while, but exhaustion is pushing me to sleep.

The bed has changed, as have the sheets and that I am in it by myself. Proof of what I knew that after sex, I can sleep through anything, but a little unsettling nonetheless. In the background, I hear Pink and the 'Four Corners' talking with someone. I run my hand over my hair, and stop to examine one of the myriad ribbons tied into my short hair.

Someone is a comedian. The problem is, there are too many possible candidates. I rise, and realize I was washed and redressed. Heck with it. I leave my room and proceed to the bathroom. The two, very large mares with the other five are staring worriedly at me. The others keep up their friendly chatter. Despite their color, I think I've seen the big ones before. As I'm emptying my bladder, I realize they were the two guards looking out for the Great White, and how utterly astonished they looked. I head out to Pink and the other guards.

She's desperately trying not to laugh at all the bows in my hair. The two guards are staring at a different place. The 'Four Corners' are enjoying the travails of the others.

"Have you . . . ?" one of the newcomers asks of Pink and nods in the direction of interest.

"Oh no," Pink says and sips her tea, "He seems so comfortable with her Highness, and I wouldn't want to interfere."

The guards nod but still shoot worried glances at me. I'm tempted to grin at them.

"That and they are so rough, I think I'd get hurt," Pink adds, causing both newcomers to choke. "I think their first 'date' was him defending Armor and me from Celestia. He didn't know who she was, but I think her Highness got rather . . . excited by him desperately trying to beat her up."

The guards are irritated, disbelieving and nervous all at once. They stare at the alicorn gently sipping her tea. The 'Four Corners' are just smiling and nodding in agreement.

"But four hours!" one of them says, "I watched, and even I can't believe it's possible."

"He's very clever," Left Front says, "Probably thought it was a challenge."

The other newcomer just whimpers.

The next few days are kind of idyllic, practice with Pink and the Great White, then cello practice with Octavia. Cooking dinner occasionally, as Parasol is off on a date with Dust Bunny. If only the neighbors would behave. The squeal of terror from the occasional chambermaid who decided to go in and clean was one thing, but when Philomena tries to deliver a tray of treats to Little Blue, no doubt selected by the Great White herself, the phoenix wound up wearing a good portion of them.

The bird stands there on a statue in the hallway, shaking with rage, the icing and sauces slowly charring and falling away. She glares at a pony who approaches her. The maid scurries away, but I'm made of sterner stuff. Philomena flares her wings and lets out a sharp raptor cry, and I stare at her.

She settles and stares at the door. She's cooled off enough I can pet her head without a potholder. She sighs and chirps angrily. I carry her on my shoulder into the apartment. In the living room is a catalog of china. I indicate that the factory is close, and I also know that where there's a factory, there is a way to buy seconds and rejects.

The bird grins as she gets the same message and planning to deliver the bulletin. We part with a hand/wing shake.

It's a mere two days later when Philomena returns, carrying a flier. Special sale on Seconds and Discontinued Patterns. That morning, a maid had fled Little Blue's suite, with an angry denial of need in pursuit, and a bowl of hot porridge in even hotter pursuit. The two of us silently agree that now is the time to act.

The factory second's store is an open tent adjacent to the factory. There's a lot of the stuff, and not many customers. The proprietor bustles over to shoo us out, and gets a pat on the head. I look at the page we cribbed together and follow the script by acting out following our 'script'. The proprietor extends a hoof after a few moments of charades and decides to read the instructions herself. We left notes that would translate into the ponies' written language about buying 'pretty' patterns. The proprietor gleefully rubs her hooves and gestures us forward. There, carefully packed in barrels has got to be one of the most god-awful, sickeningly-cute china patterns in the history of porcelain. On Earth, making a prisoner use these would be a war crime, they are too nauseatingly saccharine even for ponies. Five entire barrels of them.

The proprietor wants an unconscionable number of bits for them. I offer a fifth. The histrionics don't work, but she doesn't toss us out. Frankly, the barrels are good-make, and are work a few bits on their own, but that's not what we're here for. We settle on about a third of the original asking price. I'm glad I still have the wagon, because otherwise, hauling those barrels would be tedious beyond words. Additional help arrives in the form of those two guard mares I terrified. Neither is in armor, so their natural color appears. One is off-white with a gray mane, and the other a light brown with an off-white mane. Both are Earth Ponies and both are amused by my pathetic efforts to keep the heavily-laden wagon moving at any decent speed.

Neither Philomena nor I are eager to reveal the joke to them, but there is no way to evade them without abandoning the cargo we worked to obtain. In the end, they hoist me into the driver's seat and slip into the harnesses.

Oh the stares we get as we head down a Canterlot street with an arrangement not out of place in any Western, but 'completely unparalleled in Canterlot history' claims a fainting matron or yuppie twit. As an added joke, I leave Philomena with the reins as I ride along, acting in every way like a Canterlot noble: eyes closed, nose in the air. Fortunately, the guards think it's hilarious, at first at least. Finally, we approach the loading dock.

" 'It's nothing I wouldn't expect from Earth Ponies'," one of the guards says in a growl, "Do they march their humans everywhere?"

"It's not like we wouldn't know where to drive the wagon," the other adds. Both are quite angry at the assumption that I had the highest intellect of the quartet. It might be true, but they don't like the idea one bit.

Unloading the barrels into a water or magic powered freight elevator yields another tidbit.

"You know Celestia 'requested' us because of your comment," Gray Mane tells Brownie.

"All I said was she needed a stallion, bad," Brownie says in a whisper, and looks around worriedly, ignoring that the Great White's master spy is practically perched on her.

They look at me and shiver slightly. "Oh he's bad all right, so bad it goes through the other side and comes out unbelievable. Four hours, four buckin' hours, longest any stallion I went with was ten minutes. Most mares can't keep it up for more then half-an-hour. Four horn-buckin' hours."

"And he only stopped because she asked him to," Brownie says, "Can you imagine what he woulda done if she hadn't?"

"Sunrise would've been late?" Gray Mane says, and chuckles nervously.

They continue their conversation as Philomena and I ascend in the elevator with our 'present'. I already stashed the 1" x 4"s, the hammer and nails near the unload point. Philomena is also stifling the giggles at the two artlessly jabbering around and about us. As if we couldn't possibly understand.

The corridor is as empty as it usually is. I manhandle the barrels to the door to the demon's lair. Once I've gotten the planks and the tools in place, Philomena gives me a salute, and flies off.

Coward, traitor! Feather duster!

Time to beard the lioness in her den.

Getting the first couple barrels inside doesn't wake Sleeping Nasty, the fourth one causes shouts I mentally translate from Teen-ager into 'I want to wallow in my angst, it's the only thing that understands me'. The fifth barrel heralds the arrival of Little Blue in high dudgeon with Sturm and Drang in close support.

"WE INFORMED THEE, WE WERE NOT TO BE DISTURBED!" she ILLUMINATES me, then realizes she's telling a human, who plainly doesn't care. She face hooves and then gets in my face. "OUT, NOW!"

I close the door and mime taking out earplugs, and stare at her. She's furious that I'm not intimidated. She's probably pretty dangerous, but she's so little and cute, it really spoils the whole 'I'm ferocious' act she's trying to manage. Besides, I've had people try to kill me for five years, an angry, teenaged brat doesn't measure up.

"I figured that since you're being such a brat, I'd get you plenty of breakables so you could indulge yourself and then roll in the splintered shards so you could prove to yourself that 'nopony loves me, everypony hates me, I'm gonna a steak and die!'" I tell her, she falls on her backside with her mouth hanging open, "Your apartment is grander than your big sister's and you have decided to lock yourself in here, no one else has. You want to be ignored, fine, I'll nail it shut from the inside and cut a slot in the door so they can pass food to you occasionally. I can jump out the window to get away. Your sister loves you, but she doesn't know what you need unless you tell her or show her, or you can just assume she's ignoring you. Ponies aren't afraid of you, they don't have the faintest idea who you are anymore. Except you're Celestia's sister, and you behave worse than the worst Canterlot noble in the pack. Little Blue is the perfect name for you. You don't want to live, you want to marinate in your angst and take out the effects of your cowardice on anyone who tries to interact with you."

Her eyes have been getting wider and wider, and she's put her forehoof over her mouth. I suspect she's never encountered a talking human, or anyone willing to read her the riot act. It's a bit harsh, but I'm in a role, the court jester who speaks the truth. "You want to smite me, fine. I've had worse. You had a hard life, fine, so did your sister, and so have I. It doesn't make you special that you suffered. It only makes you special if you overcame it. A fish facing a bear suffers, no one cares because it happens all the time. You want someone to recognize you as special, do something to deserve it."

Time for a little molasses with the sulfur. "And then accept that they may not show their appreciation the way you want. They didn't appreciate your beautiful nights. They were sleeping! They were at their most vulnerable when you were in charge. They put themselves and the families entirely in your hooves on just your word that they'd be safe. After the Three Kingdoms War, after the Windingos, after Discord? What better proof that they trusted and loved you that to sleep under your aegis? And if you remember one word I told Nightmare, then remember they made tools and raised their crops under Celestia's light. They made love and sired more ponies under yours."

Maybe I was hard on her, but she needs to acknowledge that not everything is about her. Then she can grow up and get beyond what she did.

"Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!" she says as she pronks around me in a circle. Then she pronks in place, spinning around.

Okay, someone else got a different script than I did.

She's crouched down, ready to spring, I swear to God, her tail is wagging. She reminds me of a terrier just waiting for a lap to form so she can spring into it. I don't know if I'm being Gaslighted, or if she's that much of a split personality. She seems to grow confused when I give her a flat stare.

Then she grins. "Thou werest in fact taking us to task about how we werest affecting our sister's joie de vivre," she says happily as she pronks up and down, "Thou dost truly love our sister. Yes! Yes! Yes!"

Definitely a different script. "Did you hear what I had to say?" I ask.

Brother, when a guaranteed-to-work trick fails, it doesn't do it half way.

"We are not deaf," she replies, settling and sobering, "We have basked in our sisters dreams about thee. Thy exploits and puissance are well-known to us."

"Then what's with the throwing soup at the maids, what with chasing everyone out. You have pissed off Philomena, and they don't come any meana, than Philomena."

That seems to get her. "Dost thou not understand our fear of the unknown. A thousand painful years it has been for our sister, yet for us, it is as a mere day. All our anger, every frustration still seethes within us. We hear thy words, and feel the joy thou lavishes upon our sister. But the demons which drove us to becoming Nightmare Moon are fresh, the wounds raw, the feeling of betrayed and betrayal still fresh and burning within our blood. It bubbles up and we cannot control it."

Okay, that makes sense. Time to switch gears completely. Someone gave me MacBeth, and we're doing One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. "Two things, first, you need to be seen with your sister. She is terribly lonely, and your isolating yourself helps neither of you. Your crimes are remembered only by your sister, who desperately wants to forgive you. Second, come to the combat training, it's a good way to blow off steam with the other alicorns and it'll let that hostility and tension out in an acceptable way."

"Our sister sits at court, how wouldst our presence be regarded," she asks, and puts her hooves to her mouth, "We cannot, we cannot bear all those eyes and faces watching, judging us. It cannot be done."

"How about I drag you to the throne room by your ears?" I ask. I'm only half-flippant, it might just be a completely different paradigm I'm dealing with.

"Thou would grant me such a boon and accept the punishment that such must merit?" she asks, staring at me fearfully but with such hope.

"What, lock me in a dungeon? Celestia is not likely to lop off my head, not with Cadence as my owner," I reply, "Maybe another human. But if Philomena knows what I can do, so does Celestia."

Little Blue nods and bows her head. "Thou are perspicacious," she says, her ears are twitching, "To see our cowardice so clearly."

"I was guessing," I admit, "But so many stories have these elements that it isn't hard to guess." I take her ears, they're nearly burning hot, then I spot the bloom on her cheeks I'd missed before because of her coloring. As it's intensified, it's become more visible.

"SCARED? I SHALL DRAG THEE TO THE FOOTSTOOL OF THINE SISTER AND DASH THY PRIDE AND ARROGANCE ON THE ROCK OF EQUESTRIA," I say.

She's got her ears pinned back as she stares. "Where didst thou master the Royal Canterlot Voice?"

"Band camp," I tell her.

"This was widely taught?" she asks.

"Sure, anyone could learn it," I reply, "Just takes a little training and a decent set of lungs."

She bows her head. "That is most disconcerting," she says.

I clap my hands. "Well, onto dragging and dashing," I say and gently grasp her ears.

She's fine, until we reach the door. "We have changed our minds," she says and shies back from the door.

"Okay, I'll get the hammer and nail you inside," I tell her and let go of her ears.

"Are thou not going to convince, persuade or threaten us?" she asks.

"Nope," I tell her and set the first board against the door jam, "The show will go on for the rest of us. You can stay inside here, irrelevant, forgotten, and you'll collect cats or little birds. Ponies will mutter about the 'crazy cat lady' and go about their business."

She stares at me in horror as her imagination takes her along for the ride. If her imagination made her jealous of her sister, and the whole 'Nightmare Moon' thing, I can barely imagine what it's doing now.

"You'll be erased from history as memories erode bit by bit. And this time you'll know it's entirely your fault. I guess being immortal isn't what it's cracked up to be," I tell her.

She's chewing her hooves now.

"After a thousand years, they'll dig through the guano encrusting everything, wash you off and give you another chance to reintegrate into pony society. But by then you'll be two thousand years out of date," I tell her.

She's practically wilted, looking cute and vulnerable with her big eyes. But stage fright is stage fright and you just deal with it.

"We shalt relent, mayst we at least voice our terrors on our sojourn?" she asks, sounding about 5-years-old.

"As long as you don't imply I'm physically or sexually abusing you, I think that would help your case. We're going to the throne room, and you're unworthy, are the themes you can harp on. I suspect that there is a soupcon of verisimilitude about such a delivery."

"Art thou amusing thyself at our expense?" she asks.

"Merely pointing out what you sound like to others. Either quit doing it, or play it for laughs and expect ponies to chuckle and shake their heads," I say, "If it's a role then each laugh is a success, not an insult or aversion."

She nods and offers her ears. I lead her out and she immediately starts. "Nay!"

I hope she didn't mean neigh.

"We care not who authorized this, thoust cannot simply drag a princess to the throne room. If our sister desired our presence, guards would have been dispatched not common, unwashed ruffians!" she shouts.

I should have brought real earplugs.

It goes on, and she keeps just enough 'that Celestia commanded it' to keep the guards as escort rather than me as a captive.

"We could arrest him, your Highness!" Muttonchops offers.

"THEN DO SO," she says.

"Certainly, we'll take you both to her Highness Celestia and she can straighten this out."

"No," she whimpers, "I am not worthy, I have done such a wrong. How can I ever face her?"

"Forward ho!" Muttonchops orders, but winks at me. The guards clearly are on the sisters' side, rather than on the Great White's or Little Blue's alone.

Fortunately, no one thought to warn the Great White, so when the whole cavalcade bursts into the throne room, all conversation comes to a halt. The guards part like the Red Sea as I lead the gently tugging Little Blue through the crowd, most of the guards peel off, but Muttonchops and a few of the steadier troopers stay close to make sure this doesn't go awry.

"Please, we, I am not worthy," Little Blue says as I pull her up the stairs to the throne with my grip on her ears. We reach the top. The Great White is standing, and glaring at me. For once I've caught her by surprise. Little Blue takes her place beside the Great White, who drapes a wing over her little sister and pulls her close. Little Blue nuzzles her big sister, and the Great White gets a look of calculation. Then she nuzzles her sister back. I think they're the only ones in the whole throne room still breathing.

Thank God she gets it.

"Captain Armor, take this, creature to the deepest of the deep dungeons," the Great White intones.

Poor Armor gasps along with half the court. The buzz and muttering among the crowd make me think that I might be slipped a mercy avocado or two during the trip.

"Highness," Armor says. His voice is shaky, then firms up. "Percy, here, now."

I pat Little Blue on the muzzle before trotting over to where Armor and a squadron of fierce and very worried looking guards awaits.

Armor clearly isn't in on the joke, so he is traveling with a heavy heart. Down stairways first painted and decorated, then hewn from living stone into the face of a cliff that descends. The ponies are shocked that I wasn't executed on the spot, and wonder if that would be a kinder fate than what waits below. I have to be wary that someone doesn't just 'do me a favor' and push me off the stairs. While one side is the mountain's stone, there is no other side. Just blackness out as far as the light reaches. One glance over the edge reveals a trail of firefly like lights descending into the darkness. We are descending a long way. Again I wonder why nopony seems to think guard rails would be useful. I could easily dispatch the entire force by surprise.

Crystals and torches provide the light here, not the open airy structures of the castle which try to use as much of the natural light as possible. The only sound is the hoofsteps and the slap of my sandals. The sound does not disturb anything alive down here.

We continue descending, and I begin to wonder if the ponies being sent down here to deliver me to the jailers are being worse punished than I am.

The bridge that we arrive at looks like something out of an addict's fever-dream of Moria. Wide, stone, and again, no rails. The tramp of pony hooves has left a slight depression in the center, and nopony stops me when I kneel by the edge and look down. I had been smelling the fishy smell for a little while. The bridge crosses a natural lake, and occasional sounds of something moving within it, and a glow like from the fish at the depth of the ocean nears the surface from time to time.

No pony, not Armor or any of the guards would approach to drag me back from the edge. They huddle in a defensive circle seeing nothing but the darkness, and hearing nothing but their mutterings and the echos of their own fears. After several minutes of curiosity, I walk back to join them.

But unlike the ponies, I look around the huge cavern containing the lake and the bridge. Huge crystals glowed softly in the walls, and overhead, long stalactites covered with softly glowing moss. The overall effect was of a roofless cathedral under a starlit sky.

"Come on Percy," Armor says, waving to me, trying to hurry me on.

I approach him, then gesture around, trying to get him to acknowledge the incredible vista surrounding him. But the Ponies are too frightened to see it. I aim Armor's face at a particularly beautiful section, and scratch him behind the ears.

He finally calms down enough to see it. "By Celestia," he whispers, and begins looking around as if seeing it all for the first time. He stays close, as if I'm some amulet to keep the darkness from taking him, and looks around in amazement.

I wonder if the ponies' aversion to night is deeper than I originally suspected. It would explain Little Blue's problems a thousand years ago.

The ponies cluster around us, oohing and aahing as they perceive the sights around them as no longer oppressive and no longer a threat. It is several minutes before they decide we need to get walking again, but they seem in a better mood.

"I get the distinct impression, he isn't going to be imprisoned down here, just inconvenienced," Muttonchops says.

"Her Highness said 'the deepest of the deep dungeons'," Armor replies, "There's only one I can think of that's called that."

"Oh, dear," one of the guards adds.

So much for the morale booster. We pass through a long tunnel with occasional iron bars blocking passage into the offshoots. Some of these cells have ponies in them, most do not. Yet on we walk. Some of the prisoners don't watch us, some hurl insults at me or the guards, some plead for mercy, and a few rattle their bars and make fierce displays at the guards. Armor and Muttonchops ignore them all. I wave to them, which infuriates them more.

Their anger means nothing to me.

We enter into a widening cavern. This wasn't chiseled out of the native rock, but part of the natural cavern. The entry way is narrow, and a heavy iron grate bars the way. But the gap in the stone opens onto a beach twilit by a large, softly glowing crystal. Whether magic or radioactivity powers the thing is irrelevant. The glow is nearly enough to read by, but not widespread enough to wash out the wonders of the cavern. Before me is the lake, and nothing bars my escape from here in that direction. Armor and the others withdraw, and lock the door behind them, sealing the only route they assume I can escape by. I sit and watch the lake a while, trying to track the ponies to determine if I can see where they reappear.

After a short time, I realize the slight bends and twists to the cell corridor puts them out of my direct line of sight. Unlike the natives, I can swim, and the denizens I've spotted moving through the water are not so formidable that I couldn't face them with a good weapon. For the moment I relax, taking in the beauty of the scene and considering deeply my next move. If they'd left me a copy of War and Peace, or my cello, this would be idea.

I've never been one easily bored, and this is not an exception. The beach is coarse sand, almost gravel in places. I vaguely wonder how this geological oddity came about. If I had studied geology, it might intrigue me more. The occasional splash in the lake doesn't bother me as I settle in. The air is warm, and the ground is not too uncomfortable, so I settle in to get some sleep. I can think of a plan later.

9S) I Think Spartacus is Visiting His Mum

Your Human and You: I Think Spartacus is Visiting His Mum
Side story of I Am Not Spartacus
Based in the 'Your Human and You' universe by MadMaxtheBlack
This story is NOT canon with Your Human and You

by Dan's Comments

DISCLAIMER: My Little Pony is the property of Hasbro, Inc.

I think someponies are fundamentally insane, Cadence thought as she listened to Lady Horn Swoggle, At least Nightmare Moon was a more interesting conversationalist.

"So the color-coordination of the toe nails is absolutely essential to making a fine presentation. You've merely burnished your hooves and left his entirely unpainted," the mare told her, and gestured to her own human whose toenails matched the shade of hoofpolish Lady Horn Swoggle wore.

It doesn't bother me that out of hundreds of ponies at this show, she singled me out for this treatment, Cadence thought, It doesn't bother me that she is completely wasting my time and doesn't listen to a word I say, when I can get a word in edgewise. What really bothers me is the way her head starts tilting, only to snap back, and then start tilting again.

Cadence nodded at the latest blathering. I will NEVER do this to Armor. So that stifling a yawn goes through impolite, and verges on becoming a life-or-death struggle, she thought as she heard her brain cells committing suicide in large numbers, just to free themselves from the prating.

Finally, the mare shuddered and wandered off. Cadence nearly collapsed with relief, but dashed out of the mare's sight and yawned enormously. She glanced over to Percy who had the same beatific expression Celestia wore when playing a horrible trick on someone.

Yet another reason they get on so well, Cadence thought.

"I apologize for that. I can't seem to get away from her," Cadence said, "And her ever so helpful advice."

Percy scratched her behind the ears, and the world seemed a better place for a few moments.

"I wonder if other humans scratch their ponies behind the ears like that?" Cadence wondered aloud.

"It's clear his teeth are artificial!" one mare yelled at the other.

"While that's bad taste, the shape of the teeth is what's important," the other mare shouted back.

"I think you both agree that his teeth down grade him," Cadence said and made placating gestures, "Can't we all calm down?"

"You stay out of this!" they both told her and angrily waved their hooves at her.

Cadence backed up and stared at them in horror as they screamed and yelled at each other. Finally, she'd had enough and used her power. A pair of little hearts flicked out and touched both of them. The argument cooled and they still stared at each other.

"Why don't you take your disagreement to a Marshall?" Blueblood told the two officials, "That is their function here." The stallion's near cloud of humans approached at a leisurely pace. The officials nodded and headed off, still arguing.

"Prince Blueblood," Cadence managed without sounding bitter.

"Oh, don't mind the rescue, after all, it is incumbent on the experienced handlers to help those in need at these shows. As a committee member, it is doubly important. On executive, triply."

"Oh, you're on the executive committee," Cadence said, "It must be a terrible responsibility."

"I cope," he said, then grimaced and rubbed his forehead with a hoof. "Now, you have a fine human here, but you seem to want to overturn all the conventions that judges are used to. You might do better to keep him on a loose leash, but for you to emulate how the more experienced trainers handle themselves."

"Do tell," she said, and envisioned locking Blueblood up in a room with Lady Horn Swoggle until doomsday.

"We'll, your obstacle course. You proved Percy is able to run the course with minimal supervision, but that isn't what the judges are looking for. They are looking for his speed of execution, and your positive control. Running to the end of the obstacle and having him come to you, then both of you running to the next would allow you the charmingly eccentric touch you desire." He put his hoof on his forehead again.

"Are you all right?" she asked.

"Just nerves, and the report that the PHH are going to 'attend'," he said, "Pack of ruffians the lot of them, but this show is open to the public." He grinned. "Maybe you could pour sauce on one of them and let Percy eat him." Blueblood chuckled.

Cadence glanced at Percy as her blood ran cold. He wouldn't hurt a pony who came after me, would he?

"As I was saying, running to the end of the obstacle as Percy goes through would allow the judges to treat you as more within accepted practices. Excuse me, I have to check on things."

Blueblood withdrew, and several of the females waved their hands, or their bottoms at Percy. Predictable, he was almost oblivious.

" 'The charmingly eccentric touch you desire'," Cadence said in Blueblood's supercilious tones. She stomped her hooves. "Grrr! He makes me so mad!"

Percy responded by scratching her behind her ears.

"I'm fine, I'm fine," she said, "I just want to beat him so badly."

Now both hands were scratching.

Somepon - somebody, doesn't approve, she thought as she let his soft nails scratch away all her tension.

Cadence couldn't keep her hooves still as she watched the judges approach the podium. "Are you as excited as I am?" she asked, but kept her eyes on the judge.

"Fifth place, yellow ribbon, Lady Swoggle's Sweet Muffin," the judge said. There was polite applause.

"Fourth place, green ribbon, and Judge's Choice award, Princess Cadence's Ursine Persiflage."

Cadence squealed happily as she hugged Percy and jumped up and down. Percy regarded her with amusement.

"Third place, bronze medal, Prince Blueblood's Velvet."

Cadence watched as the human duplicated her enthusiasm, hugging Blueblood and crying out happily. Percy, the traitor, applauded along with the others.

"Second place, silver medal, and Marshall's Choice, Corn Flake's Sunrise Flash," he said. More applause.

"First place, and Best in Show, gold medal with diamond cluster, Prince Blueblood''s Dusk Shine. Let's have a round of applause."

Cadence felt Percy nudge her as he applauded as Blueblood let the woman into the circle and followed her. Cadence felt her breath catch in her throat as the woman sauntered around, then bowed regally to the judges. She's gorgeous, Cadence thought as she gulped when the woman fixed her eyes on Percy. She stifled the intense jealousy and the urge to grab Percy and shout 'mine!' to the human woman. Dusk Shine stood at the fence and crooked her finger at Percy. Cadence bristled, until Percy put his hand on her head and gently drew her forward with him. In the background, nearly every human male, and about a third of the ponies were looking at Cadence and Percy with absolute hatred and jealousy. The female seemed bemused that Percy had brought Cadence, but she knelt, took Cadence's muzzle in her hands and kissed the mare.

Cadence felt her ears go up and her whole body feel like she'd been hit by lightning. That was, she thought as she stumbled back a pace, Oh, wow. She shook her head and watched the woman gasping, her head thrown back as she held onto Percy with both arms and a leg. Percy was not limiting himself to kissing her mouth, and held her curvy form tight against him.

After a few moments he stopped and held her at arms' length. The woman seemed to exhale smoke from her nose as she gave him a sultry gaze before rejoining Blueblood. Even her master was staring at Percy under raised eyebrows.

Considering the rumors about Percy and Celestia, I can imagine what they're thinking now, she thought as Percy walked away from the fence. Behind him, Dusk Shine was shimmying her hips and glancing over at him hungrily. If I could stud him, I could buy Equestria. Or I could 'rent' him to mares for even more money. She remembered the passionate kiss by the human mare, and shivered. Okay, I think that's almost enough fun for one day. She blew out a breath and continued after Percy.

Don't think about that kiss, don't think about that kiss, don't think about that kiss, Cadence kept telling herself as she paced in her living room, but the nearly electric feeling kept coursing through her, Think of something else, say something to distract yourself.

"I can't believe they marked him down for the shape of his teeth," she said.

Oh great, think about her owner and what he's getting, but oh Celestia! What Percy did to her, and he's . . . think of something else, think of something else. He's Celestia's, you and Armor are affianced.

" 'Clearly artificial and in extremely bad taste.'" She shuddered as she tried to drive the thoughts from her mind as she paced. But the kiss kept coming back to her, and then Dusk Shine's reaction to Percy. Think of something else, think of something else. I never thought of humans like that. I didn't rescue Percy only to use him like that. But what he and Celestia do, he did a little bit to Dusk Shine and she nearly passed out. Think of something else, think of something else! she told herself.

When Armor and Percy grabbed her she nearly squealed in surprise. As she felt Armor and Percy cooperating, she tried to banish the thoughts going through her head about where this might be going. "No fair! I wanted to be mad!" she said and snuggled deep in Armor's lap.

"Yes, dear, I understand dear," Armor told her and started nibbling at the base of her horn.

Cadence gasped and felt Percy's fingers digging into all the tension in her spine. The actuality drove out all the worries and guesses. The reality of what she had drove out the speculation of what might be. Armor and I have the wedding to look forward to, although no one will speak against us if we consummate early. And Percy, I think I'll let Percy decide what he'll do. He's only shown real interest in Celestia. I guess I should be grateful. I have Armor, and Aunt Celestia had nopony, I can't take him away from her. It wouldn't be right, it wouldn't be fair. She snuggled in Armor's lap.

Cadence giggled as Percy 'snuck' out of the apartment for his rendezvous with Celestia. Cadence long ago learned about the galleries that let favorites, and guards, watch Celestia at all times.

One of the advantages of being the one everyone loves and trusts, she thought as she crept into the gallery, A little curiosity can't hurt, and I'll leave before they get started. I guess I am curious, too curious for my own good.

Below her was Celestia's spartan bedroom, two guards, and Percy. She nearly gave herself away with a giggle when Percy looked straight at the guards and did a little dance routine and a couple of cartwheels.

Cadence nearly gasped as Celestia became a human, and Percy that magnificent alicorn. She squirmed slightly as she felt her blood roiling inside. He's gorgeous, she thought as she watched.

Percy speaking shocked her further. "Hello. Ce-lestia and Percy . . . play. Loud play, maybe looks like hurts, but is not. Looks like danger, smells like danger, but is not. The Gr - Cel-estia likes to play. So Percy very scary for her."

Cadence felt alternating hot and cold.

"What a wonderful idea," the Celestia said as she chuckled, "If I am really in trouble I say something like 'candle wax'."

"If you not like Percy, you beat him on walls until grease stain," from Percy almost made Cadence laugh. Then Celestia and Percy gave the guards a long and exquisite kiss. Cadence nearly squealed as she watched, and watched the guards react.

Cadence couldn't stand it, she slipped out of her overlook and back down the stairs, quietly latching the door behind her. If I stayed to watch them, I'd probably explode, she thought, And which would be worse? Watching them go on, or having them catch me and include me? She shivered at the thought as much from suppressed desire as from fear. They're my friends, both of them, but the two of them, like that, together. That's just scary.

She returned to her apartment, took a long, cold shower, and considered ambushing Armor when he came back.

It was several hours later when Celestia as an alicorn knocked on Cadence's apartment door. Accompanying her were her two guards and Percy. Cadence helped her get Percy into the bathtub and the two of them washed him off.

"You could have stayed to watch," Celestia said.

Cadence nearly dropped Percy on his head.

"It's not like I didn't already have an audience," Celestia said and chuckled.

Cadence briefly considered a number of evasions, or drowning herself in the tub, then decided on the truth. "I have Armor, you have no one. Not a pony, not a human, no one. It would be wrong to interfere. Besides, Percy may be my friend and protector, but he's clearly more interested in you than me, for sex at least."

Celestia nuzzled her, not with the passion she and Percy had shown, but as a mother with her foal. "Don't assume he doesn't love you too. He's not that free with his trust. He cares for us," Celestia seemed unwilling to complete her sentence, then she explained, "That 'Pink' and 'the Great White' were the only ponies who didn't guarantee he'd be fighting and killing today, or tomorrow. Don't underestimate what having a nice home and a family can do for someone."

Cadence smiled. "I still think you traumatized those two guards."

"They wanted to know if I had a decent stallion. I knew they wouldn't believe me if I told them, so I just had to show them," Celestia said as the soul of innocence.

Cadence frowned as her horn magic dressed Percy and carried him to his bed. "So how much of that past few hours were you two shocking those guards, and how much was something else?"

Celestia waited until Cadence had set Percy down before she said, "All of it."

Cadence stared at her. Celestia waived a hoof in front of her face. "Oh well, I'll let myself out."

Four hours, even with magic, how is that possible? she thought. She felt an odd hot-cold chill cover her spine. Do I even want to know?

Armor had that feeling he got when he was walking into an ambush. Except I'm outside my apartment, he thought, Different kind of ambush. Shopping for doilies, maybe. He walked in. Cadence, her four guards: Light Song, Spring Forest, Lonely Tears, Bright Treasure, the two new guards who'd been assigned to Celestia for the night: Sugar Rain and Honey Bronze, and neither Celestia nor Percy.

"Four hours, four buckin' hours," Honey Bronze moaned, "How could they keep going."

Yes, very dangerous ground for a stallion, Armor thought as he waved to a frazzled-looking Cadence.

"I'm sure it wasn't continuous," Cadence said, then she nodded back and waved him over.

"Sure it was start and stop, not like what you'd call breaks or anything," Sugar Rain said. Cadence's guards were all smirking.

"I've never even heard of an alicorn stallion," Honey Bronze said, and got all of Cadence's guards' attention. "He was, he was, he was."

"Yes he certainly was that, and more," Sugar Rain sighed.

Armor remembered his encounter with 'Percy-alicorn' and what he'd seen in Percy's eyes. Infinite wisdom and infinite sadness, Armor thought, Just like Celestia. Both of them have seen things that no normal person of any race should see. No wonder they match up, neither one can share what they've seen and done to survive, not with someone who hasn't been there and done the same. He shuddered at how frightening the look had been, and the effect it had on him.

"He wants her to be happy," Armor said, "And everyone else." He glanced at Cadence. "Including us, is too intimidated. So he's the only one who will play with her."

"Four hours of - is play?" the two guards squealed.

Honey Bronze looked from him to Cadence and back. "Does he play with you two?"

"Not that way," Cadence assured her, "There is something to be said for alicorn stamina. But he does like to do little things to keep us happy."

"And a little off-kilter," Armor added, "He's a hoofful, but we wouldn't have it any other way."

The guards nodded. Armor smiled as he and Cadence weathered that particular storm.

"But four buckin' hours."

Or not, Armor thought and went to the kitchen to make some tea.

Celestia trudged back to her suite. She had felt so good after her session with Percy, but a flat rejection by Luna had brought her entire mood crashing down. Luna had said the most hurtful thing she could: 'Sister, I am unnecessary.' Celestia had thought of everything she could, that Luna could do that she couldn't. And the list was depressingly short, and that the nation had survived without that service for a thousand years only underscored the point.

You aren't redundant, my sister, Celestia thought and looked around the building. Luna's simple statement, not even an accusation, hurt worse than a blow. 'This is your kingdom, I am here simply because you desired it. That your word alone is law, architecture honors the sun and all are ready to worship you. Everything has survived without me for a thousand years. Only you say you need me. I will do what I can, but that is not enough.'

And they are afraid of you. There is no one who can look at you without seeing Nightmare Moon. Even the Elements, she thought, And all I can see is my overeager sister, seeking to carve out a place of her own. A need I needed a hard betrayal and centuries of thought to understand.

She entered her apartments and closed the door to return to sleep, and wondered if she should have asked Luna to watch over her dreams. That was one of the few things she had no talent for, and the ponies, and their ruler needed desperately.

Armor heard Percy moving and nudged Cadence. "Fifty bits say he doesn't react."

"Oh, he's got to react!" Cadence said.

"I'll see that fifty bits, commander," Cadence's four guards assembled the fifty bits.

They watched as Percy exited his room, trailing dozens of ribbons. Percy glanced at the collection of ponies in the living room, but continued into the bathroom.

"He knows how to use the bathroom?" Sugar Rain asked. Once he's done, he joined them at the table.

"Pay up," Armor said as Percy seemed to ignore the dozens of bows in his hair and their trailing ribbons.

"Have you . . . ?" Honey Bronze asked and nodded in Percy's direction.

Cadence shook her head. "No," she said firmly and gazed into her tea. "He's comfortable with her Highness, and she him, and I wouldn't want to interfere."

The guards nodded. "He's unlike any human I've ever heard of."

"You don't know the half of it," Armor muttered.

"Well, she and he play so rough, I'm not interested," Cadence said, and grinned as Celesta's guards made strangled noises.

"Wasn't their first encounter, him defending Armor and me from her," Cadence added thoughtfully, causing both newcomers to choke. "He didn't know who she was, but I think her Highness got rather . . . excited by him desperately trying to beat her up."

Cadence's guards grew irritated, while Sugar Rain and Honey Bronze sat disbelieving and nervous. They stare at the alicorn gently sipping her tea. The four guards were just smiling and nodding in agreement.

"But four hours!" Honey Bronze said, "I watched, and even I can't believe it's possible."

"He's very clever," Light Song said, "Probably thought it was a challenge."

The other newcomer just whimpered.

Cadence watched as Shining Armor comforted the serving maid who'd been chased out of the Lunar Princess' quarters. She'd barely avoided the tray that practically exploded out after her. Cadence found, to her shame, that she didn't have the courage to march in there and tell the princess what a brat she was being.

Mainly because I'd be flung out like that tray, Cadence thought as she spotted another problem that she'd been seeing more of lately. Great, this one's a dragon.

She came up behind the young dragon who was intently watching the drama. She sighted along the dragon's line of sight and realized it wasn't Armor the dragon was staring at. "Something I can help you with?" she asked.

The dragon turned, blushed and then looked back. "Isn't he magnificent?"

"Percy?" Cadence asked as she looked, Percy and a couple guards were screening Armor as he talked to the frightened mare.

"Yes, he's so bragmordrin, I just can't stand it!" the dragon practically squealed.

" 'Bragmordrin'?" Cadence asked. She knew a lot of the dragon's language, but that one escaped her.

"Yes, there's no pony word for it, but, here." The dragon indicated. "Look at Percy, then look at everyone around him. Who bends for whom?"

Cadence was about to protest, when she decided just to do as the dragon suggested. Looking with just that criteria, she realized, ponies, and other humans went around Percy. The other two guards made an effort, but Percy just was. I've seen Armor do the same, she thought, Was that what caught my eye? That he 'bent' the world around him?

"Look, look, watch, this should be fascinating!" the young dragon said, and pointed to Celestia approaching. It was instantly clear who bent for whom as she approached. But when she approached Percy and Armor, they gave ground, letting Celestia at the maid. But that's it, they didn't retreat as the others did. They consciously stepped aside.

"Thank you, it's much to think about," Cadence said, "But you might want to watch him and Celestia."

"Oh I know, you bought him, and he is with her," the dragon said, "But understand. You can't 'own' someone like that. He will do what needs to be done, and hang all consequences. Even his own death will not turn him aside." The dragon grinned. "If he were a dragon, I might challenge you for him, but, if he were, he might just kill me for issuing the challenge."

Cadence watched the young dragon trot away. I wish it was that Dusk Shine instead, one infatuated human I can deal with. A dragon is a whole other ball game. She looked back at Luna's quarters. Of course I could have always challenged her to go in there and prove her mettle. No, there's no reason to let her get killed because she's as enamored with him as I am.

Celestia listened to yet another complaint about the division of resources and the 'unfair' advantage some pony was getting by using a new innovation. The noble who was impacted wanted the innovation banned. Of course, Celestia thought, Not that she should actually have to compete on a level playing field, or actually see her estates as some place to work, rather than a source of bits flowing in.

The noise coming from outside the throne room attracted her attention, especially since it managed to silence the insipid complainer before her. The doors burst swing open to admit Luna, Percy, and a host of guards. Whether they were escorts, defenders, or an audience was hard to tell.

"Nay We care not who authorized this, thoust cannot simply drag a princess to the throne room. If our sister desired our presence, guards would have been dispatched not common, unwashed ruffians!" Luna shouted as she struggled far too weakly at the grip Percy had on her ears.

The nobles fell back in horror at the sight. Luna's reputation preceding her, and that a mere human could reduce her to such a state formed a real terror in their minds.

"Please, we, I am not worthy," Luna said as Percy led her up the stair to the throne itself.

Celestia stood, and kept a stern but collect expression at the violation of all protocols. So the fear and growing unease about Luna becomes pity, she thought as she stood and watched the entire court fearfully glancing around as if expecting Celestia's thunder to rain down on them as well.

Percy turned Luna around and pushed her up against Celestia, who almost automatically gathered her under her wing and pulled her close.

Percy stepped away with a relieved but satisfied air as if admiring his work. To his credit, he didn't flinch as her voice boomed across the room.

"Captain Armor."

"Please sister, he did it by my will," Luna whispered and nuzzled her.

"Take this, creature to the deepest of the deep dungeons," Celestia thundered.

"Be at ease," Celestia whispered to Luna and hugged her closely, "He understands the game far better than the ponies. This is a performance for all to see."

Shining Armor and half the court gasped at the harshness of the sentence. "Highness," Armor says. His voice was shaky, then firmed up. "Percy, here, now."

Percy scratched Luna's head before he trotted down the steps to join Captain Armor. The group of guard who'd entered left with Captain Armor as the assembled ponies muttered fearfully to each other.

Celestia was stunned when Blueblood of all ponies stepped out of the crowd, and more so when he gave a half-hearted bow. "Your Highness. I would request you consider offering mercy," he said nervously, and the other ponies of the court pulled back to avoid being struck by whatever doom Celestia hurled down on him.

"Humans are simple creatures. They don't understand our civilization with its protocols and hierarchy. I do not think you can assume that he meant to harm her Highness. He saw that she was in pain, and decided the best thing to do was bring her to you. He cares a great deal for you. Do not punish him for a simple human mistake of solving the problem undiplomatically. My humans often make a mess when trying to solve a problem. They don't need to be disciplined for their attempts, merely trained that their solution is inappropriate."

Celestia looked down at him, her queenly mask covering the shock that he'd choose to defend another pony's human. "I shall, consider it," she told him.

He nodded and stepped back into the crowd. Or rather, tried to. The crowd parted, fearing the royal retribution gainsaying Celestia would garner them.

Do none of these ponies know me? she wondered, Only Blueblood had the presumption to speak, and the others act like I would hurl down lightning as Discord might. She watched them mill around and discuss with themselves as Blueblood left the throne room.

"It was with my blessings," Luna said softly, "I could have broken free at will."

"I know," Celestia said, "But I'm afraid that certain appearances must be maintained."

The meeting Celestia had been dreading occurred only an hour after her sentencing of Percy. That Cadence walked in alone, apparently composed, and without Shining Armor or her other guards did nothing for Celestia's equanimity.

Then she bowed. Celestia wanted to tell her to desist, but with the rest of the court in attendance, that was denied her.

"Your Highness. What are the charges against my human?" Cadence asked.

It turned Celestia's guts that even Cadence seemed to be afraid of her. "Laying hands on a royal princess. That's Battery even if done to anypony else."

Cadence nodded solemnly. "I see. And her Highness Luna intends to press charges?"

"I haven't spoken to her about it," Celestia said.

"Thank you," Cadence said and bowed. She was gone before Celestia could ask her to come closer.

Armor walked through the antechamber to the court. He spotted Fancy Pants and felt a little better about what he was going to have to do. That Blueblood was close enough that he might get statements from both at the same time made things marginally better.

"Fancy Pants," he greeted one of the few decent ponies in Canterlot.

"Captain Armor, you're looking particularly dour," the stallion said, "If you don't mind my saying. Perhaps a rest away from the hustle and bustle of the capital."

"Maybe later, sir," Armor said, "I need your version of events of the attack on her Highness."

"Her Highness was attacked?" Fancy Pants asked and looked around. "Blueblood, if you please." The Prince approached. "Captain Armor said that Princess Celestia has been attacked."

"Princess Luna was attacked," Armor said.

"Come with me," Blueblood said, and he and Fancy Pants moved into the throne room proper and threaded through. Fleur Dis Lee was with Princess Luna, in front of a painting.

"Dear," Fancy Pants said to Fleur, "Young Captain Armor says that her Highness Princess Luna was attacked."

"How awful," Fleur turned to Luna and said, "I must assure you that such things rarely happen in Canterlot."

"We can assure you that Captain Armor and the Guard will find the ruffian and see to it that justice is done," Fancy Pants added and turned back to Armor, "When and where did this attack occur?"

"In this room. Right before lunch," Armor said. He tried to keep his irritation at the game-playing out of his voice.

"Oh dear," Fancy Pants said and glanced at Blueblood, "Are you certain of this Captain? In this room, right before lunch. I was here the entire time. Fleur slipped out for some carrots while I worked through lunch on the flood control canal for VanHoover. Blueblood, Highness, did you see any of this?"

Luna looked at all of them.

Blueblood held up a hoof. "Your Highness, not to cast aspersions on your dear sister. We all love her unconditionally, but she does have a propensity for . . . practical jokes."

"Oh dear," Fancy Pants said, "That's almost too cruel. Let us treat this as a legitimate event until proven otherwise." He waved over several senior ministers, 'sound' ponies all.

Brown Chief, Sir Eagle Bell and Moon City ambled over with Sergeant Mile Stone following them. Benevolent Warrior and Furniture Maker arrived to look over the assembly.

"The Captain was asking about an attack on her Highness," Fancy Pants said.

Mile Stone locked eyes with Armor for a moment and shook his head slightly.

"Is her Majesty all right?" Benevolent Warrior asked, he turned to Princess Luna, "I assure you your Highness your government will strive to the utmost to unearth the rationale of this irrational malefactor and prosecute to the fullest extent of the law."

"Princess Luna was the one attacked," Armor said.

"What are you talking about?" Furniture Maker said, "She's right here!"

"Minister," Benevolent Warrior said, "Pray tell, are you able and allowed to divulge the identity of the reprobate who would lay hooves on our newest entry into the August Royal Family?"

"Thank you," Luna said and nodded.

"The reprobate was Percy," Armor said, and shied back at the sharp bark of laughter from Eagle Bell. All the more surprising from the old, extremely staid bureaucrat.

"My apologies, oh dear," Eagle Bell said, "You were attacked by Percy, dear me, we shall have to arrange an appropriate state funeral, and so soon after your arrival too."

"At least her Highness shall have the comfort of friends after losing you," Fancy Pants said.

"Dear me," Blueblood said, "That might explain why none of us remember the attack."

"He killed us all?" Moon City asked, "The unadulterated cheek of the man!"

Armor looked over at Mile Stone who stared back.

"I think you're missing the point," Fleur Dis Lee said, "If Celestia hasn't hired a medium, then she's on the other side, with us."

"But, I had so much more to live for," Blueblood whined.

"Dost thou truly believe he has the pursuance to slay us all?" Luna asked.

Everyone looked to Benevolent Warrior. "He has slain minotaurs with his bare hands. It is conceivable that he could have annihilated the entire royal court." The bureaucrat looked around, "It does seem to look like Canterlot. Maybe this is a holding area."

Armor considered trying to correct them, then gave up. "I was ordered to investigate an attack on Princess Luna, by Percy. It occurred in this room, just before lunch."

Luna patted his shoulder. "As the Prince did essay, my beloved sister enjoys bediscording those she gauges a-too serious. We cast no aspersions on your character or diligence, but mayhaps a time of rest should be undertaken."

Armor tried to come up with an appropriate retort. He finally fell back on the field manual, and saluted. He left, with Mile Stone following.

"Someone has gone insane, and I think it's me," Armor said once they'd left the throne room.

"What are you going to do?" Mile Stone asked as they trotted along.

"Report my findings," Armor said and shrugged, "And then let Celestia sort it out."

"I'll go with you. You're going to need an escort to the hospital," Mile Stone said, "You're either going to be pronounced insane, or you're going to throw a shoe, sir."

"Thank you, sergeant, I was thinking of getting in touch with my 'inner pegasus' and jumping off the side of the mountain," Armor said. "Why are they making this so difficult?"

"I think they're trying to make it impossible, sir," Milestone said.

Armor glared at him, but kept walking.

Celestia sat in her day room and went over papers. She was not ready to face the court again, and she did not want to be present while Captain Armor and his team completed their interviews.

She'd had a very unpleasant meeting with Fleur Dis Lee of all ponies, who'd accused her of 'going hard on him just because everyone knew he was her lover.' She'd been shocked at the accusation, as much as that a human had been described as her lover, instead of a sex toy or plaything or the other euphemisms for coupling with a human.

The knock on the door broke her concentration on more morbid subjects. "Enter."

Captain Armor arrived, saluted, and stood awaiting orders. He looked tired. Not asleep on his feet but long drawn out tired from too much to do for too long.

"Your report?" she asked, wishing she could apologize for putting him in this position.

But I can hardly expect him to be happy about this. Neither can I honestly file the charges myself, she thought, The evidence must come from someone else besides the crown.

"Your Majesty, I have completed the first portion of my interviews, but I suspect that what is later revealed will alter nothing from what I have already gleaned."

"Yes, Captain?"

"According to Fancy Pants, Prince Blueblood, Fleur Dis Lee, Ministers Brown Chief, Sir Eagle Bell, Moon City, Benevolent Warrior and Furniture Maker, as well as Princess Luna herself," Armor said. He took a deep breath and for a moment the composure cracked to reveal the frustration beneath.

He seems to be drawing this out, Celestia thought, That's not Armor's style. Perhaps I should have assigned another officer.

"Percy evidently slaughtered the entire royal court, including ourselves and perhaps the entire city of Canterlot."

Celestia stared at him. "He what?"

"None of the aforementioned ponies remember the Battery against the Princess, and concluded that it was not Battery, but mass murder, since they all are together," Armor said, "The other possibility they concluded was that I was overwrought and due for vacation."

Celestia blinked at him. "Captain, have you been drinking?"

"Your Majesty, I wish I had. None of them remember the events, and therefore none of them would be admissible as witnesses."

"But under oath . . . " Celestia said.

"They would only have to affirm their right to not incriminate themselves and their testimony would automatically become tainted even if they were compelled to testify as hostile witnesses," Armor said, "With her Highness' permission. I'm going to go lie down."

"I think that is an excellent idea," Celestia said, "I think I may get a stiff drink and take a nap myself."

Armor saluted and trudged away. Once the door closed, Celestia pulled a bottle of raspberry schnapps and considered pouring a double into her tea, then but took a stiff drink from the bottle.

10) A Call to Burden the Bear

I Am Not Spartacus - A Call to Burden the Bear
by Dan's Comments
Based in the 'Your Human and You' universe by MadMaxtheBlack
This story is NOT canon with Your Human and You

DISCLAIMER: My Little Pony is the property of Hasbro, Inc.

It's pretty clear that sleeping on a gravel beach is not the picnic I had thought it would be, the stones weren't insulation, they leached the heat right out of me. I had tossed and turned for a good five hours, dozing off until the cold woke me enough to move, then more tossing and turning, doze, and then I slept, soundly and at the time I had no idea why.

Waking provides more questions than answers. The stones on one side of where I'd slept were pushed down, as if something heavy had been set on them. On the other side, there was a lens-shaped depression much deeper than the first.

Now I walk the two anomalies and think. The 'set down' is easily 8 feet wide, 14 feet long and about three inches deep at the lowest point. The lens is a uniform five inches deep, from two to about eleven inches wide as it curves from narrow to wide back to narrow, and a bit under 8 feet wide. And I cannot for the life of me figure out what the heck happened. If it was a joke, it's a puzzler not a laugher.

I sit on one of the stones some ways from the shoreline and drum my fingers on my knee. Then I stop and look at my hand. Fingers curled, wrist and forearm on my leg, and look at the depression. If I had a wrist 8 feet wide, and really skinny fingers, that's the shape they'd make if I cupped something under my hand. I'm tall and kinda skinny, my wrists are maybe two and a quarter inches. Assuming the same build, whatever made this was about 250 feet tall. Now invoke the square-cube law for reality and make its wrists say 4 inches and make the thing the human-equivalent of 4 feet tall, like an elephant rather than an ostrich, and that still means it was about 100 feet tall. Something the size of a blue whale reached out a hand to keep me from freezing. While I appreciate the sentiment, anyone who's ever talked to a Canadian about regional politics understands the consequences of having a really big, friendly friend, who isn't always so deft as they think. 'Long-tailed cat with a roller-skating elephant'. Add rockets to some of the roller-skates and I think we have a winner.

This is the same. Unless it was put there by Pink or the Great White to freak me out. An intelligence test, if I make the connections and go batshit crazy in terror, I'm intelligent. Only one problem, so far, only earth ponies, unicorns, and pegasi have tried to hurt me. Even the local dogs haven't bitten me. They have snapped and missed, but usually they don't go out of their way to attack. So if this isn't a pony, I might not have anything to worry about. That said, the elephant on rocket skates probably doesn't have any malice either. Doesn't help as it trumpets 'sorry' after it runs over your tail.

Suddenly, I catch another glimpse of something else. I walk over to the circular depression about 12 feet across and easily eight-inches deep. At the bottom are two of what I first thought were really gruesome but accurate cardboard cutouts. Then I realize that they are, were, ponies. A couple of escaped prisoners or a couple of assassins, squashed very flat. Not splatted like you got with a fly hit by a swatter, but crushed, like something caught them and applied a great deal of force, very slowly. The similarities to squeezing a juice orange don't escape me. There being no blood splatter adds to the similarity. Something squeezed the life and fluids from these two, leaving a pair of desiccated husks.

I take some time to look around my prison and realize that the lake is large enough to hold something very big, but something this vast, even if it is sessile, is ridiculous. So whatever it is, it can't be human-shaped, but it's also instantly protective, lethally so. So, what is it that's bigger than a bread box, likes humans as pets or objects of interest, and has no problem physically or psychologically crushing ponies to death? And can do so quietly enough that I never woke up while it was happening. Sound dampening magic or so terrifying that the ponies never even had a chance to scream? Or it crushed them sideways and later laid their corpses out flat when it finished?

All in all, a very disturbing revelation for first thing in the morning.

The scream of terror from the hardened ponies of the prison guard does nothing for my sense of well-being. They leave breakfast behind, maybe breakfast for a lot of the prisoners, as they run screaming down the corridor. They also leave the gate open.

I drag the breakfast wagon in and find the simmering pot of gruel is nearly empty. I relock the door, hang the keys on the breakfast wagon and ladle a bowl for myself of the leavings at the bottom. This stuff is worse than tasteless, it seems to suck all the flavor out of everything it touches and effectively murders it. Bologna on white with mayo would be a taste sensation compared to this material. It seems to be ground up lima beans mixed with grits and boiled until the last nutrient and flavor molecule has given up the ghost and fled. So food may still be an issue. Still, there have to be fish in this lake. Fish that aren't 30-feet long and 20% teeth by volume.

It is quite a bit later that a contingent of guards arrives. They snicker that 'Percy locked himself back in and left the keys where they could be seen' tells me the group isn't hostile. Armor (in full-battle armor) as well as the 'Four Corners' and Pink all arrive. Pink looks ridiculous wearing armor, like a cheerleader in full combat dress still with her makeup and pompoms. Pink practically tackles me, but she does set my cello case aside before doing so. She's crying, so I hug her back, and act as if her distress is all that's wrong. The Four Corners react with disgust to incredulity.

Then the military looks at the mashed villains, so I also lead Armor over to the 'handprint' where I was sleeping. Difficult considering Pink won't let go. When he doesn't understand, I make the hand gesture which duplicates what I think happened. I didn't think it was possible for him to get paler than he normally is. Wrong again. The Four Corners are even more frightened.

It worries them even more that I'm not bothered. I already realized if it had wanted to hurt me, it would have. That kind of makes me willing to give it the benefit of the doubt. Now, if it were a giant pony, that would have me frightened.

So while they're chattering about old prisoner tales about monsters in the lake, large fish they've actually seen, and generally scaring the crap out of each other, I unpack the cello and check out the strings.

My first pluck is answered by filly-like screams from all of them. I try to make the cello produce a similar sound, it's too low a register, but the modulations and pitch changes are fairly accurate. I look at them all blushing and staring at each other, then I smile. That freaks the Four Corners out more than the flattened corpses did.

"Nightmare Moon did that to him," Pink explains, "I haven't had the courage to ask Princess Luna why. She keeps running away from me when she sees me."

Drag her down her by the ears, she likes that.

I start playing a couple of bits of the sheet music I had left in the case. The Four Corners are really staring now. I feel like Stringfellow Hawke serenading eagles, or whatever lives in the lake. The ponies are soon relaxing, ah music hath charms to soothe the savage beast. The original is breast, but breasts aren't savage, they're cuddly, what takes offense at the unwanted cuddling is the savage part.

They're all calm, quiet, relaxed, not noticing the huge eye surfacing out of the water to watch. I don't react. Something that big is almost more dangerous panicked than on the attack. I vaguely wonder if Octavia realizes her 'too fast to play' music can also serve as a lullaby when slowed down even further.

The splash as it submerges breaks the spell and all the ponies are staring in terror at the lake, and the large ripples coming towards the shore. From the time and the speed of the ripples, that eye was quite large a fair distance away. Without a reference I can't tell how big, but I suspect it was glowing, or I'd have never seen it at that distance. The panic runs through them, but a scratch behind the ears on Armor gets him to calm down a bit. Pink is looking quite put-upon that I'm not soothing her instead.

"Thank you," he whispers to me, then continues on with his rather cursory investigation.

I return to playing the cello. Pink is staring at me with dewy eyes. I honestly can't tell if she's happy, sad, or so angry she's crying, but no matter, she seems to be enjoying not having to be the reasonable peacemaker. A good challenge for her, to learn she can run up the black flag and slit throats with the rest of us.

There's an interval of hugs, tearful from Pink and the Four Corners, stoic from Armor, then I'm alone with my new dancing partner.

I begin a concert of several pieces, some from the music, some from memory. And for most of the rest of the day, only echos accompanied me. That I might be torturing some poor souls imprisoned here, who'd only heard whatever the latest children's music was, I couldn't have cared less.

Several days pass with the same pattern. A team fearfully delivers a double portion of breakfast. I suspect it is from the guards' breakfast kitchen rather than the prisoners' gruel, because it actually tastes like something. I would almost prefer the gruel, or at least of cup of it to deal with the aftertaste of this stuff. Then a concert for my admirer, and a few attempts to climb the walls and barriers to see if there is anything beyond.

Now while I am in good shape, free climbing on damp, somewhat crumbly rocks slows my progress to the point that this ends up being more exercise than escape attempt. From what my more dark-adapted eyes can see, this lake is very large, and I've seen some of the denizens. None as large as my friend, but nothing I'd want to risk swimming with either. The occasional skeleton of a pony stripped to the bone poking up out of the water doesn't hurt either.

I usually make my way back to my 'cell' in time for the bed check. Then it's sleep. I don't try to be clever and 'feign sleep' to lure it in and make a surprise revelation. My day's activities leave me feeling tired enough that sleep comes easily. Besides, if it wanted me to get a good look at it, it could reveal itself at any time.

The fifth day, my patience is rewarded, sort of. The addition to being held in the large creature's 'hand' as I slept came in the form of a small shoal of the little, blue ribbons. There weren't enough of them to really cover me like a blanket, so they settled on covering my feet, hands and head. Nice of them. Pieces of Nightmare, but they didn't feel hostile, considering what happened to her, they seemed more like pets looking for a new owner/home. The idea that Nightmare Moon wasn't a single entity, but a composite of many leads down some very interesting roads. I'd read enough science-fiction and fantasy to know about creatures that fed on emotions. I wonder if these pieces feed on intense desires. Like my desire to a) stop having to kill everything that confronted me, b) go home, and c) if I can't go home, find intelligent humans and start a family or even a colony. That leads to a very uncomfortable possibility with Luna's transition to Nightmare Moon. That they intensify these desires, to obsession and madness.

Hopefully, I will discover what they need to survive, if they are dangerous, and if I can keep Luna from killing them once she discovers that some of them survived. Of course, theoretically, another dose of the Elements of Harmony would deal with them. Or they might be self-sustaining, and not have any effect on the 'host' beyond what a pet would. I think, if I decide to keep them, it's going to take a lot of diplomacy and research. Well, I hadn't been planning on doing anything else anyway.

The first demonstration of their power was given after the ponies left my breakfast. Interesting that the critters hid from the ponies. Fortunately they didn't hide under my kilt. Considering the reaction the first one had to me, I almost expected that. While interesting, it also would have been extremely embarrassing.

One of them, settled on my brow and suddenly it was day, not night. The darkness was light colored and all the details stood out like black lines on a white board. The effect is startling, and takes a few moments to get used to. I know a little about taking photos with different light sources, that's what medical x-rays are, but this is more like VR goggles, or some kind of radar sense. It makes everything look like a wire frame drawing. I can see the fish swimming about, and the structure of the stalactites hanging from the ceiling. Some of them are massive!

I also spot my 'night nurse'. The description out of Lovecraft certainly fits 'It was a terrible, indescribable thing vaster than any subway train - a shapeless congeries of protoplasmic bubbles, faintly self-luminous, and with myriads of temporary eyes forming and un-forming as pustules of greenish light all over the tunnel-filling front that bore down upon us'. The creature certainly fits the Old Man from Providence's description, as if done by a six-year-old, and that the word 'scary' was never part of the discussion. Frankly, aside from being as big as a pair of elephants standing side by side, it actually looks kind of cute.

It's also looking a bit nervous as it realizes I'm looking right at it, despite it being underwater. I decide to start the concert. That draws it closer. It thins itself out so it can get right up to the shoreline. Then it squeezes between the spaces between the gravel. I don't see the gravel move, but I can see the shapes as it passes between the stones.

I have my own theories why it hasn't escaped. Panicky ponies being my first guess. That and something like that would probably be attacked as soon as it lurched out of the darkness. Ponies in my experience have proven so tolerant and understanding of the feelings of other races. They are always and forever the soul of love and tolerance. As long as you have four hooves and a tail, aren't from the zebra lands, aren't from a lower-class city than they live in, aren't too loud or too strange, and have something they want, they will treat you as their dearest friend. John Hobbes or Plato would look at these ponies, then go have a good long cry in his beer. My experience with most ponies is exactly as Hobbes described life, nasty, brutish and short. Only the most powerful or forceful personalities can be what all ponies claim they stand for. The others follow the baser instincts of the herd: xenophobia and bullying.

The blue ribbon on my brow leaves during the concert, I get a suspicion that it's tired. But there's nothing to base that suspicion on, unless that is their form of communication. Inspirations, flashes of insight, deja vu may be how they talk. But I'm guessing on very limited information.

Once the concert is complete, I see no indication of the shoggoth, and when I walk into the water, I am met only with freezing cold water. So it either opened up holes in itself, or it has retreated completely. Either way, it isn't ready for physical contact. Or it is afraid of me. Stranger things have happened.

I spend the next hours before lights out interacting with the ribbons. During that time, I cannot shake the odd feeling of being watched, not by the ribbons or my friend, but by something else. Something I cannot see. I vaguely wonder if that something, possibly Luna, possibly Celestia, had sent the ribbons, to see how I'd handle a 'first contact' situation, how I'd learn to communicate with something that lacked my primary means of communication. It's an absurd thought, but I can't get the thoughts out of my head, and I also realize how ridiculous it is that any of the ponies would be 'grading' me on how I handle a situation where most ponies react with either terror, or a plan to bash it unconscious and enslave it.

As for communicating, they don't seem to have the problem-solving intelligence that humans do. They seem more like a school of fish, darting in, flashing away, and very hard to discern their intelligence and desires. Besides, it's my other companion that I want to contact. If this thing is anything like a real shoggoth, heh 'real' as if a fantasy monster from one genre would apply to this new world. If it were intelligent, it would definitely have its own set of desires and plans. I just have to guess what they are, and try to use them to make contact.

I do, however, recover a few of the pony bones to see if I can make a fishing spear, and some tools to butcher the fish when I get them. I also doubt that I can cook the fish, or salt them, so this is busy work. I also need them to kill the fish if they follow me onto the shore. I am not going to depend exclusively on my new friends to defend me from something coming after me.

The next day looks like I will have to put the plans to communicate with my two, new friends on hold. Three pegasi arrive well before breakfast. The ribbons are no where to be seen, and despite their guards' armor, I am getting a very bad feeling about the trio flying over the lake rather than coming through the corridor. They are also laughing quietly. As I teacher, I've seen small groups of assholes psyching themselves to do something wrong. This has all the earmarks. There is also no feeling of being watched. Either somebody is asleep at the switch, or I am supposed to be lulled by the feeling and should be asleep when they arrive, or they were watching to figure out the best time to do this.

I watch them flare and land. I show no outward sign of interest. But the club I'd crafted from the pelvis and femur from the skeletons is hidden in the gravel beside me.

"Come here," the leader says in a singsong, she's waving her butt and tail, "Come on you know you want it."

Not really, not by a long shot. The others chuckle. My blood runs cold. Not because I can't take three pegasi who aren't expecting it, but because I thought I'd put this behind me. I am not thinking this is a 'test' by Armor or Celestia. Because in the remote chance that it is, then it's time to be done with ponies entirely.

This is clearly a threat, and I don't intend to wait for the first rape to act. But I am going to let them force me into a corner.

"Just drag him over here, he'll get the idea," the leader says, something I've heard from ponies for years. Sometimes directed at me, sometimes just said in my hearing. It always presages pain and humiliation for the human.

Corner achieved. The two followers advance. "What does Celestia have that we don't?"

"She asks," I tell them. All three freeze, it won't last, but I can act, they can't. One gets a face full of gravel as the club lashes out and catches the second follower on the joint of wing and body. It shears through and severs the wing. Before the first can start to scream, I hit the second at the same point, but the club splinters. It's still enough to dislocate the wing. That's two down. I throw the bleeding wing into the water. The third pegasus wakes from her paralysis, and rears to bring her hooves to bear.

The screeches of the other two convince her to 'wisely' keep her wings folded, but that also means she can't fly. As she rears, I jab underhand with the jagged bone, slashing her belly where neither armor nor ribs protect her vitals. The bone splinters further, but still bloodies her and makes her squeal herself.

She shies from a handful of gravel, she tries to keep her wings out of my reach. But that's not my target. The last thing she sees is my thumbs entering her eyes. Now she really shrieks as she whirls around striking in all directions with every limb she has. But I'm well out of reach of the whirlwind.

I close in on the more out of it of the first pair. Well, she wanted me to stick something in, she gets her turn first. The jagged bone slams in under her tail with all my strength behind it, and she lets off a sound that no one in that prison will ever forget.

She's on her feet, kicking and squealing and shrieking as she plunges into the water. She tries to dislodge the bone, but with one wing she just worries it around the wound. The blinded pegasus also has stumbled into the water and is thrashing around.

The third is looking at me in terror, I smile broadly and point to the water. "Humans can't swim, remember?"

That's all it takes and she's charging into the water with the others. I throw the bloodied bone shards into the water to police up the area, then rinse my hands. As the backwash and exhaustion from the adrenaline rush hits, I sit back and watch. Blood, the noise of wounded prey, and no coordination among the three, should be the recipe. I'm not angry, or frightened. I am what ponies like these so lovingly crafted, a killing machine. The gears turned, the lights flashed, and the answer was provided. The ponies just never expected to be the recipients.

The first fish looks like a cross between a python and a pike, it rises to rip a piece from the blind one. A moment later, another drags the bloody wing under.

The sound of the guards at the door spoils my watching the last of the tentative bites. I'm at the door blocking the way, and watching the feeding frenzy start. None of the three is thinking, not as soldiers, not as people in 'shark'-infested waters. They are all acting every bit as prey animals, terrified, wounded prey animals facing predators.

One of the guards telekinetically picks me out of the way and the guards charge in. They stop well short of the shoreline. I do my best 'frightened human' act to herd them away from the shoreline. It's hard, not because they resist, but they are horrified by the size of the denizens of the lake that are tearing those three ponies to pieces. The unicorn who'd moved me is too shocked to even try to save any of the pegasi before they disappear under the water.

Once I've got them back in the corridor, I close and lock the door, then throw the keys to them. I take a position on the highest place in the 'cell' and watch the waters. They are glassy smooth again, not a ripple, not a bubble. There seems to be no blood stains on the gravel, and no evidence of the struggle. No feathers, no scraps of skin or hide, not even any sign of what I did to the leader. Although if they scraped beneath my fingernails, they'd find some. So I locate a piece of rock to scrape those out and I keep watching to water.

It takes nearly an hour for the next contingent of ponies to arrive. Armor is among them. He doesn't seem eager to question me, but pulls the breakfast crew aside.

"What the hay made them think they could come out here?" he hisses at the breakfast crew leader, "They're almost lucky the fish got them. If they'd carried out their little plan, if Percy didn't kill them, one of the princesses would."

Oh joy, they told their fellow guards what they had planned and nopony stopped them. That bodes so well for my continued stay here. My opinion of ponies is just rising by leaps and bounds here.

"Did any of you idiots think why the restriction on flying over the lake exists?" he asks the crew.

I see a whole series of safety lectures in their future. As long as there's no repetition of today's events, I don't really care.

I start the concert on time, although without breakfast. That gives Armor a strange expression, then when he hears the selection of music, mostly dirges, he accepts. The breakfast crew are taking the dirges to apply to them. Having your colleagues planning on using the Captain of the Guard's human, who has a relationship with the Solar Diarch herself, without either giving permission is not a good thing. Saying nothing about it to any of those worthies is certainly career suicide. I do wonder who told him. The feeling of being watched only returned after Captain Armor's arrival, and my new friends don't seem the chatty type.

He leaves with the crew after a rather cursory investigation, and me tackling him and dragging him away from the water.

"I wasn't going to go in," he scolds, but then tousles my hair. "It's only for a little while longer," he adds quietly, "Sorry."

I don't follow him out, which amazes the guards. As much as I want to, I don't stare at them. Better they don't know that I know who my real enemies are here. Leave them in ignorance, and let nameless fears gnaw at them. Ponies are better at paranoia and lashing out, than analysis and dealing with the real issue.

Several more days follow a recognizable pattern. Wake with hood, boots and gloves: where were you guys when I needed you? Then breakfast, by an even more nervous crew than before. A concert, and then wait.

On the sixth day, I decided to take the shoggoth by the eyes. One of the ribbons is doing the 'wire-vision' thing and I know the shoggoth is in close, so I set the cello aside in mid song, and walk up to and carefully onto the water. I couldn't imagine that would panic my new friend, but it does. My foot hits the water, and it's under me, an eyeless section to step down on. It's not slimy, or cold. It's dry and somewhat warm. But it's the immediacy of the reaction that heartens me. I vaguely wonder what the interaction between this creature (or are there several) and the humans was, and how was it so singular that even a thousand years later a chance to rekindle it is jumped at. The ribbons follow as we begin moving out into the deeper water, and the motion isn't the creature rolling, it maintains a level platform for me.

The tentacles come out, touching me, looking at me, presumably smelling me. I guess to verify I'm not a pony in disguise. I'm not as ticklish as one, which seems to satisfy my host for a while.

Where we arrive is a major cavern branching off from the main one containing the lake. I can easily make it through the gap in the rocks, and so can my companions. I doubt a pony could even see it in these low-light conditions, unless they knew exactly where to look. Beyond this choke point is a sight like the caverns in France and Spain with the ancient cave paintings. They display hunting, some sort of ritual behavior/town meeting, the shoggoth being given sacrifices, and other details. But nothing about ponies. No interactions, no displays of ponies attacking them, nothing about Discord or any of the aspects that were so prevalent in pony culture. Which means the ponies brought diseases which wiped them out, or attacked so swiftly that like the death of Pompeii, they had no time to record the event. In any case, the humans used to be far more sophisticated than they once were. The midden heap brings further evidence, and a grand desire to have attended some actual archeology classes, rather than picked up some bits and pieces from The History Channel. I don't know if they were neolithic or paleolithic or something in-between. But they were clearly potters and tool makers. The broken shell tools and pot shards show that. No metal, not even in decorations. Native gold and silver are soft enough you can form them with a stick and a bit of elbow grease, but there's no evidence of that. Of course that and gems are common enough on Equestria that they lack the store of value they'd have on Earth. They'd just be pretty, but pretty evokes a lot in Terrestrial humans. People put different color glass bottles in walls to make them pretty and to admit light, so there should be gems just to add some sparkles. Unless the place has been picked clean in the intervening millennium.

My guide tugs me away after a time and leads me back through the gap and onto the lake. Actual for my guide it's into, for me it's onto my guide's back. The ribbons are tagging along with both of us.

We visit two more villages similarly cut into the lake cavern's branching arms. These show a similar development. Cave paintings, shell tools and pot shards, in one I see a mother of pearl inlay on something. The first example of ornamentation, or the first example that's still here. It's possible the ponies stripped the place of any gold or gems to feather their own nests. Considering the story of Hearth's Warming Eve, the early ponies were right royal bastards on par with the Nazis and the Bolsheviks: invading Equestria for Lebensraum for La Raza everything, for others nada. Since they couldn't abuse each other anymore, they had to find someone else. And the evidence around me shows pretty plainly that these new 'things to abuse' were someones, not somethings.

I have to wonder if Celestia sent me down here to see all this, as one of the few who could recognize it, and would have no impulse to 'sweep it under the rug'. The Chinese have a long and glorious history of 'the world begins with my reign' and destroying all records of previous times. The ponies might have a similar streak in them. Who am I fooling? Of course they do! Little Blue's existence was essentially erased. Ponies 'knew' that humans had always been animals. There're rumors about other monsters who may escape their confinement and rampage, and these aren't common knowledge. And if Tartarus is real, what's stored there? No one talks about it. The details of their entire civilization in the pre-Classical period are all legends, and as far as I know, no attempt has ever been made to return to their old homeland and investigate.

The night following is one of endlessly disturbed sleep, as I weigh all the speculations about this place, the people who had lived here. And what the ponies did to them when they found them. Human history is rife with the effects of weaker civilizations encountering stronger ones. Or the reign of self-important nobles/bureaucrats on the populace who cannot effectively retaliate. The weirdest part remains the dream.

I am on a factory manufacturing floor. Lights come on overhead as I walk. For someone else that might be spooky, I just assume it's motion-controlled lights. The place is where I earned a living while getting my Masters. I helped stage, direct and participate in a bunch of safety videos for industry. The hours weren't bad, and the pay kept a roof over my head and clothes on my back. And they catered lunch and breakfast, 0600 start time, so food stopped being a problem for a few weeks at a time. It also taught me that I didn't want to go to Hollywood or New York. 'Artists' are the toys of the money people and things that would get you arrested in most businesses are not just status quo, but de rigeur for the entertainment industry. Industrial and safety films were under the rules of regular industry, and the 'movie' veterans told the rest of us all kinds of horror stories about Hollywood, and New York. I made sure I could become a professor, and do a lot of community theater during the summers and winter breaks. It also prepared me for this place I realize, the movie moguls and Broadway backers are different from the ponies in only one way, the moguls can kill your career, the ponies can kill all of you.

The pony who trots out of the darkness is one of the ones who first captured me. Except I know this is a dream, so when the horn lights, the unicorn turns into a table lamp. I keep walking towards the big gantry crane and the large billets of material to be loaded into the Acme-Gridleys. We did a lot of heavy-load and repetitive-motion safety films. Aging workforce. The place is quiet, and the occasional pony who I knew from the bad old days I ignore, until they move against me. Then I make them unreal. Nets pass through me, unicorns' spells have no effect. All of it I ignore. I don't want to slaughter them, I don't want to give them the time of day. They only have power if I allow it, and I won't.

I can't shake the utter certainty that something is watching me. Then the shoggoth rolls out from behind one of the machines. Yes, the machines are big enough to hide a bus. The eyes are wide and searching. I walk over and rest a hand on it. The eyes slow and begin focusing on me. The eyes are like bubbles. They join and become larger until only two huge eyes look at me. I smile and pat the space between, and gesture for it to follow me. It rolls after me as we walk among the machines. I still have the feeling of being watched. I wonder, if Little Blue is supposed to be aligned with the night, does she have spells that let her watch dreams?

The unicorn I don't recognize. Crimson coat and black mane, he looked like a less artistic version of what the Great White changed me into. His blue eyes stare into mine. He lowers his head and paws the ground. Challenge. Except he proves as vulnerable to my control as all the others. As I walk towards him, he charges and passes through me with no effect. He gets into the cage where the billets are kept, then I let him be real. He quickly learns not to kick the framework supporting what amounts to 10 railroad rails per shelf.

I find the main office, and the banks of phones. I dial 911, and get a busy signal. Time, and get disconnected, my bank and play with the phone tree for a little while, never getting to talk to another human. I call the police, the fire department, the IRS help line, even suicide prevention, all of them either don't connect with a human, or the recorded messages send me in telephonic loops. I honestly don't know why I'm messing with the phones. Am I trying to connect with another human, even in as surreal a place as this?

I abandon my indulgent activity and move back into the factory proper. The place still occasionally throws up another pony who either put me in captivity, or mistreated me while I was a gladiator. Strangely, none of the ponies who were better, who treated me as something more valuable, or as a being to be properly handled, appear. Occasionally, I'd spot the shoggoth following me. But it doesn't stay close, disappearing into the shadows as I travel. And through it all, the certainty that someone somehow is watching. I get no impressions on approval or disapproval of this observer. It is not the reason I don't raise my hand against the phantoms of the past that my mind throws up. The reason I don't is that they don't matter. They are just dreams, they can only hurt me if I allow it.

In the morning, I'm not lying on the gravel, but on an extruded section of the shoggoth. The intimacy and consideration of the gesture only further proves this is not the old man from Providence's shoggoth. It retreats at breakfast, although I suspect that the ponies would panic more. It keeps an eye on me, so I finish quickly, then board my 'steed' and we head out into the lake.

There my trust is tested, as it forms a dome, trapping me inside it, and submerging. I don't freak out because when dealing with something that can bench press an elephant, and has no single vital spot, anything less than an obvious murder attempt demands you proceed with caution. It also has done me no harm despite many opportunities, and this doesn't feel like the 'god for a year then we sacrifice you' pattern. It obviously assumes I either know what's going on, or will figure it out.

The reason for the enclosure becomes apparent as we drift under the great bridge. Stealth. As powerful as this creature no doubt is, it either fears the ponies or wants little to do with them. Once we're a distance from the bridge, we surface and the dome retracts.

The gap in the cave wall is just as hard to see, but my guide knows where it is. We enter, but this isn't the entry to a town. The cave paintings are very specific. This is the shoggoth's nest, and the sacrifices offered by the humans were not food, but friends. More important, they were midwives. The images are very clear, sophisticated and detailed. The ribbons have something to do with the meiosis, the division/duplication of the chromosomes. I watch the ribbons move inside the huge creature. The ribbons begin vanishing. After a while, the creature itself began to narrow and pinch together. From the 'instructions', I touch and rub the surface, trying to soothe the creature as it pinches off its offspring. It takes most of the morning, but when it is done, the new piece, about a third of the total mass, opens its eyes and looks at me. We look at each other for a while, before the 'daughter' slips through the opening and moves away. The mother remains, even forming a concave surface clear of eyes, offering a place to rest. I honor her request. Whether she wants some emotional comfort, or if my proximity provides some unknown foodstuff. The wall instructions also support my actions. I haven't been harmed by my proximity, so I don't think there's anything I can't afford to lose. The walls seem to agree.

We stay there through the night. There are alarms and activity, but I ignore them. I already have a reputation for insanity. Wandering out of the cell, especially after the pony massacre, will only cement that reputation. As long as I get back before tomorrow's bed check I should be fine.

From the wrought iron table on the beach, I pick up and uncover the dish of carrots.

"AUGH! HE'S GONNA EAT US!" they scream.

Cover goes back on and the dish goes back on the table. I let out a breath as I look at the scrumptious dishes laid out before me, many of them my favorites, and then just shrug. You'd think ponies, with a sweet tooth like they all have, would have invented steamed/boiled carrots with a brown sugar glaze, but no.

Okay, what she 'eats' is the rationality of my dreams. I look at the elegant dinner set me before me on the beach and decide I am going to accept the rules as they stand. I throw the lobster back in the water.

"I can't swim!" it squealed as it sailed through the air.

Yep, internally consistent, but with no anchoring in anything like reality.

The girl isn't as alluringly curved as Celestia's human form. But she seems far more human, despite the jet black skin. Her green eyes are almost luminous, and the maillot she wears is decorated with multiple green eyes of various sizes.

"Hello," I say as I approach.

She continues to stare at me, showing no concern about my proximity. She smiles as she extends her arms, touching my shoulders, running her fingers over my upper arms and chuckling as she does.

"You have," she says, and struggles with the word, "An irregularity, I needed them, I've been so long without." She looks at me carefully. "I hope you do not mind that I could not explain myself before now."

"You didn't try to hurt me, and you protected me from the cold and my enemies," I reply, "That was a good start. I was willing to give you the benefit of the doubt."

She nods, then stares over my shoulder. Now she's showing real concern.

The pony who appeared from around the head lands looks at them. It is clearly Little Blue's body, but the hardhat diving helmet with the 'horn dormer' shows that all is not well. The flippers on each hoof limit her to shamble worthy of a grant from the Ministry of Silly Walks.

My companion, the Lady of the Lake, chuckles slightly at Little Blue's antics.

Score one for our side. Her usual manner is rather off putting.

The large tanks hung over Little Blue's back are both labeled 'grins and rainbows'.

I crouch to look into the glass windows of the helmet, but can only see the swirls of colors rather than her features, but from her reactions, she can clearly see me.

"Why wouldst thou benight Our existence thus?" she asks, her voice echoing in the copper helmet.

"This is a dream," I reply as I stand back up, "It is supposed to be bizarre."

"Ponies' dreams are not so," she replies, turning her head this way and that, presumably to get a better look at me and the Lady of the Lake, who is stationed directly behind me.

"This is calm compared to some of my dreams," I tell her.

"There is a being We tremble at the thought of thy meeting," she says as I look over the gear she's strapped into. "Why doth Our wings and magic avail Us nothing?"

"I wouldn't take off the helmet if I were you. I suspect you can't comfortably live without it," I reply. The Lady of the Lake keeps me between herself and Little Blue, although she does grin occasionally. "I also suggest if you can't handle weird dreams, you stay out of mine. This is nothing. I had one a few weeks ago that would curl your hair. Or in your case, straighten your mane."

I noted the dial switch on the regulator, and the four settings: Luna, raft, barge, and aircraft carrier. It's currently set on 'Luna'. I suspect that her dignity is going to be seriously affronted if she stays. "In fact, you might want to leave right now."

"There is naught that could mortify Us more," she tells us.

"Just remember you said that," I tell her. I turn to my companion. "Luna, the Lady of the Lake, Lady of the Lake, Luna. I'm assuming you wanted to show me something."

"Yes, you seemed very interested in the history of this place," she says.

"Yes! Tis a mystery that hath plagued Our sister and Our own repose for years unending," Little Blue says with such ferocious enthusiasm, that she frightens the shoggoth.

"I'm guessing that the only way to see it is across the water," I say, and thankfully this dials down Little Blue's overwhelming exuberance.

She looks at her body, fins and presumably the inside of the helmet. "We art thy presumed mode of transport?" The tone is brittle, but more mortified than angry.

"No, we could forego the whole thing and try again later," I tell her.

There's a pregnant pause as Little Blue realizes everything needed for the quest has been assembled: Witness, Guide, and Transportation. And she's discovering she's not the witness.

She bows her head, and the unfamiliar weight of the helmet takes her all the way down. CLANG. She jerks her head up as I steady the helmet and try to damp down the ringing.

"Ow," she informs us, "Before Our brain settles, do what you must."

I switch the selector to 'raft'.

"Wait! Stop! We command thee! This is unacceptable! This, this, this is . . . " She trails off as she stabilizes at the size of a very fat Clydesdale. Her legs are a bit longer and more muscular, but not bloated like her body. Fortunately, her head neck and horn seem to have been immune. Other than being a ridiculous figure head attached to the Graf Luna.

"We despise thee and will punish thee fully on Our return," she murmurs.

The imp in me makes me foolish. "Lighten up," I say as I swat her on the butt. She feels not like a pool toy, but a basketball, solid with a little give.

She whirls around, and the now purple pony confronts me. "Repeat that transgression and We shall smite thee with all Our force and fury!"

"I apologize, I didn't mean to hurt you," I tell her.

Now she turns violet and shifts from foot to foot nervously. "Your apology is accepted. Now willst thou mount - how willst thou board?"

I leave that little verbal landmine laying right where it is. I have no need to know, no desire to know, and a strong sense of self-preservation. The urge to tease or even act is there, but oh, no. I'd better just leave it at that, and just get on with the 'mission'. Of course the shoggoth in human form is struggling not to smile, but the eyes on her swimsuit look like the eyes of someone killing themselves laughing. Every single one of them. Little Blue notices both reactions, and proceeds to go straight to violet without passing through purple.

Little, now Huge Blue, kneels and extends her tail. I help the lady climb up and follow after. Little Blue is noticeably quivering, and not because she's filled up on 'grins and rainbows'.

Little Blue steps into the water and begins paddling.

"You can go faster if you swish your tail," I tell her.

"What!?"

"Undulations, like a crocodile," I tell her.

"Ah," she says, and shades into the purple again.

What were you thinking I was suggesting? But I don't dare ask that, or she'll dump us in the water. I think about the dynamics of the sisters, their alienation from others and their loneliness. And the fact that yours truly is the only being in Equestria not scared senseless around them. Other than the nobles, and they get senseless as part of their standard package.

"What is our heading?" Little Blue asks.

"First star to the right, and straight on till morning," I reply.

"An incantation, understandable," Little Blue says, "This is a dream after all." She alters her course slightly and continues on.

"Lie with me," the shoggoth says.

Little Blue's ears swing up and back so fast I hear them hit the inside of the helmet.

"Excuse me?" I ask, as much for my sake as to quell Little Blue's pique.

She splashes me with a little water. "It is cold, she will need our warmth and us being lower, she will have an easier time not rolling."

It's a perfectly reasonable and logical explanation, but I know what lying across a mare's back implies, and I have a sneaking suspicion that my friend does too. Transitioning from in-line sitting to side-by-side lying creates some interesting postures and Little Blue notices. If this is a ploy to get her tail moving to propel us faster, it certainly works. She's lashing the water nearly into a foam. Once we're both down, my companion snuggles against me and falls asleep. With our bodies entwined, we ride out the bulk of the trip. I can hear Little Blue's grumbles, but not understand the details. Although I suspect them mostly have to do with us 'cheating' on her older sister in dreams, and her inability to prevent it.

It's her unwillingness to prevent it. She wants that history lesson, and I think she's also titillated by the way she's getting it. That and she realizes she is pretty much at our mercy, and we did not betray, much. And we were willing to put ourselves totally in her hooves on the trip. She could dump us in the cold water out of sight of land, and we'd be finished. So she's caught on the horns of several dilemmas, and her outrage is 'required' to balance her other feelings.

It also points out that she still feels subordinate to her sister rather than just loyal to her. Nobles regularly 'steal' each other's humans and have sex with them, returning them or letting them wander away full of the thieving noble's scent. It's a subtle cold war because they fear what a hot war would entail. While Celestia has followed the letter, she has violated the spirit in making certain I was willing, Pink had no objections, and I suspect Pink wants a friend, bodyguard and body servant, not a lover. Luna no doubt has feelings she is ashamed of: she has unlimited access to someone who makes her sister feel wonderful, and no chance that it would get back to the Great White, because it's only a dream. Curiosity and loneliness are not good additions to her already volatile mix of inexperience and need for approval. I suppose I could do worse than being found absolutely adorable by two ruling sisters. As long as I can keep a crush on a teacher from escalating out of control. She needs a guru/taskmaster to impress, not a lover, but lacks the wisdom to see that.

The turgid warmth of Little Blue and the firmer but nonetheless moldable warmth of the Lady of the Lake combine with the gentle rocking and soon has me slipping into sleep. Ironic, considering I am asleep.

The dream is an idyllic one. Childish play, with me, the Lady of the Lake, the Great White, Pink, Armor, and Little Blue enjoying a picnic in a meadow. Running around playing tag, eating together, taking a nap after too much good food, and enjoying each others company.

When it is over, we load the baskets into a motor home large enough to accommodate three alicorns and a unicorn and two humans.

Waking to the Lady of the Lake grinning at me and snuggled against me is quite welcome.

"Humans often have such dreams," she tells me, "They are also welcome to be included in."

"Dreams?" Little Blue asks, "We are within a dream even now, what dost thou take me for with such flittering about?"

"We just went to sleep and had a dream," I tell her.

"Yes, this one," she replies.

"No, one inside this one," I tell her, "And in that dream we slept, but I don't remember any dreams."

"Thou dreamt thou were asleep, possessed of a dream that thou fell asleep in?" Little Blue asks. The helmet muffles the tone, but I think she's both intrigued, and horrified.

"Basically," I tell her.

"We think you both mad," she replies and turns front and continues paddling, "Or We are."

"Why not all three?" the Lady of the Lake says.

Good she's warming to Luna.

"While you are an expert in Pony dreams, your ponies did something which stopped humans from dreaming long ago," the Lady of the Lake tells Little Blue, "If you did it on purpose, then you would be an expert in humans' dreams."

"We were unaware they even dreamt," Little Blue replies, "And We are sorry for thy loss."

"It was your loss as well," the Lady of the Lake says, a great deal sharper than she had before. "You went mad when your ponies ignored you. I felt your rage even here in the depth of the lake. And for what? That the ponies denied you what they had already denied the humans, their value. And you were angry at such people ignoring you? You should have reveled in that security."

Normally I don't step into cat-fights, but I'll make an exception. "Perhaps Luna was not feeling out of sorts because of ponies ignoring her," I offer, "Perhaps it was the effect of her not being able to reach out to or restore the humans. As I understand it, that was one of her points of friction with her sister."

"What breeding took away, We, I believed breeding would restore," Little Blue says, "It was not I who stripped the humans of what they were, I will admit, I do not know what did. But I had theories."

"Then wonder and theorize no more," the Lady of the Lake says and points, "We have arrived."

For someone with such a mild tone, she sounds thoroughly pissed. The water shoals up beneath Little Blue's hooves and we come ashore on an outcropping similar to where I had explored with the Lady of the Lake. The 'sky' above us is a mass of crystals, of all colors of the rainbow nearly as bright as daylight.

I head for the opening.

"What are we supposed to do?" Little Blue asks. Her royal pique was peeking through.

It makes me wonder if I should Peking duck.

She gestures at her distended bulk.

"This might work," I say and set the selector back to 'Luna'. Unfortunately, nothing happens. "Or, your royal dignity is going to take a major hit."

"Thou dost not mean," she says.

" 'Fraid so," I reply.

"We shall ever remember that thy dreamscapes are inhospitable," she says.

"Not inhospitable, just demeaning."

Little Blue turns her helmet, presumably to glare at us. Then she lifts her tail.

BUBROKABROKATRALLFAZZZZZZZZZZZ.

"The rainbows are breathtaking, the two full ones and the third branching the apexes of the lower two. You are quite the artist," I tell Little Blue, now back to her regular size.

"Thou hast no apprehension of the totality of Our loathing for thee at this juncture," she replies.

"I think the main event is about to start," I tell her as I slip through the gap in the rock and into the village.

I can tell that I underestimated the humans considerably. While the spoken 'word' is not well developed, they are trading, building fairly sophisticated ornaments of shell and crystals and gold. And they are also experienced boat builders. The vessels are able to be broken down and carried through the gap in the rocks.

The entire scene is not the paradise of the Garden of Eden, it looks like a downtown flea-market, in good and bad ways. But the people are fed, somewhat prosperous and happy. I feel like I am looking at Atlantis or Thera on the last day.

The end comes not from a volcano or tsunami, but a battalion of brightly-colored ponies. Parents are separated from prepubescent children, those too young are picked up with teeth by the arms or legs and dashed against the stone walls. Leaving only wailing parents and blood smears. The parents are driven by fire and spears to the water. Some manage to grab young children and boats. The few humans who try to fight find that stone fishing spears do little against metal, pony armor, and these ponies are veterans of the internecine war that claimed their homeland.

Little Blue whimpers at the sight, begging for it to stop. Then she looks at us, and shies. Not that either I or the Lady of the Lake are angry, worse, we accept that this display is typical of ponies and are untroubled by it. Our simple acceptance of this inhumanity hurts her worse than her own outrage. 'I hate you' can be responded to with hot fury. 'I don't expect any better of you' doesn't sting so much, but the poison goes deeper, and it also doesn't have an easy answer. It also highlights that a thousand years of 'progress' haven't really changed things. Sorry kid, I don't see any difference here, save that the humans had a more sophisticated culture. At least as advanced as the ponies, except in the crucial point of making war. That remains the area that I exceed even the ponies, despite having only a peripheral connection to it.

I don't rub it in that if the humans had been able to slaughter the ponies back, the humans' fate might have been averted. That it wasn't 'love and tolerance' that won their land and slaves, it was brutality and magic. Worse, the ponies are laughing at the ease of their victory and the humans' reaction to their cruelty.

The children are rounded up, the prepubescent from the pubescent. The castrating and spaying of the pubescent males and females begins. Little Blue tries to assault some of the phantoms, but this is no more than an image of what was. She screams at them in several dialects of the pony language I doubt anyone but she and her sister remember. The ponies' laughter is their only response to the anguished cries of the young, and of the horror of who would be their princess. I and the Lady of the Lake move out to observe what the pegasi who pursue the parents are up to. What we see is not something that would surprise anyone familiar with the fighting in Iwo Jima or later in the Pacific War.

The pegasi fly over the boat and drop liquid on them. Some gets in the humans' eyes and stings them. Little Blue has joined us to watch the bombing runs.

"What are they -?" she asks as the liquid-bearing pegasi clear the field.

The Lady knows, I can guess, and the Little Blue is horrified to realize what the second wave of torch-bearing pegasi are going to do. Every boat and most of the humans aboard them go up like a gunpowder trail. Some jump into the water, and learn the ponies true and magical cruelty.

"Water has a higher mass fraction of oxygen than air," I tell the two women, as the submerged humans turn into fireballs, "If you can separate the hydrogen from the oxygen, say by magic."

The hydrogen bubbles up out of the water and adds to the fire on the boats. And the laughter goes on. Laughing, happy ponies and stoic humans, same as you'd see on any street in Equestria. Little Blue stares at the last burning items as they slip into the water, to flare and be consumed.

Little Blue looks at the Lady of the Lake. She forces aside her horror at the scene. "I'm sorry."

"Unless you can undo this, your sorrow is your own and I want no part of it," the Lady of the Lake replies, "I want no restitution, no justice, no words from ponies. They took the humans, stripped the cavern of its crystal ceilings, and threw their worst into this place. There is naught you could offer me that would have any meeting. But you have your facts, little good will they do you." She gestures. "The way out is the path of the ponies. That is your escape, and there is nothing for you here any longer. We will abide a time, then you will take him away from me also. But I was here before the ponies, you will destroy yourselves, and I will raise the humans to where they once stood. Then I shall have my revenge, by erasing the injustice your ponies did to them, and that you and your sister turned a blind eye to. And no one will remember you."

Little Blue seemed to be working herself up into a righteous fury, but the quiet on the lake lets the screams of the herded children be clearly heard. And the laughter of the ponies.

She bows her head and walks away, following the massacre party out.

The Lady of the Lake looks at me once Little Blue and the cavern fade from sight. "You object?"

"Not really. She could have been an ally," I point out.

"She will not admit it, but she desired to monopolize dreams. Pony dreams are easy, and she could enter and mold them. Human dreams either run their course, or the human alone can shape them. This form, is of your choosing, and I thank you that you made me comely to you. When the human dreams died, in her heart she celebrated, for they always humiliated her. She did not want an ally, and I would not have her as one. Do not presume on their benevolence, it will be withdrawn as soon as it is either convenient, or maintaining it becomes difficult."

"Point taken," I say, "But I think I have an opportunity to adjust that. She is alone and believes that all are against her. She can be brought around far more easily now than when she felt powerful."

"I will leave that in your judgement. You have seen, and you can guess why I never revealed myself to the ponies," the Lady of the Lake explains.

"There are one or two who might surprise you," I tell her.

"Point taken," she says, then grins, "For you, I will try."

"Thank you."

I woke to darkness, the brilliant crystals of the human-era cave are gone, leaving only the rock. The guide has also covered me like a blanket and she seems to be in 'just a few minutes more ma' cuddle mode. It's amusing, but I wonder idly what all the trouble I've gotten us both into with last night's dream.

If Little Blue told anyone, even the Great White about the dream, there's going to be seven kinds of Hell to pay. It may be exactly why the Great White keeps the history of this place secret, and the historians from coming down here. After all, the ponies might not survive being forcibly reminded of their inhumanity to their fellow sapients. It would get everyone upset and healing that rift would require nothing less than a radical restructuring of pony thinking (admitting other nonequines are their equals). I don't see that happening without a much greater population of intelligent humans. But with the ponies breeding them more and more docile, and less and less clever, the odds of a throwback are on par with the odds of another intelligent human from Earth landing here. Read 'zero'.

It feels odd, giving up on the chance of finding other intelligent humans. Since I arrived on Equestria, I've gone from just trying to stay alive to excelling at a horrific task. Then to seeking a place to escape to. Then seeking others of my own kind. Now, admitting that there is no chance and that I am stuck here, alone, until I die. I don't feel despair at admitting it, but a hollow emptiness. Something important has gone out of my life and there's nothing there to replace it.

Maybe trying to reconcile Little Blue and the Lady of the Lake. Little Blue supposedly wanted to institute exactly the eugenics program to return intelligence to the humans. While it doesn't' make up for what the ponies initially did, they might have some success cooperating. After all, here the colony would have a protector and a place to hide. I do wonder what they did to get her out of the way when they attacked the human villages. Then I realize that the ponies probably hit all the targets at once. The Lady of the Lake is only one entity. She might have defeated one onslaught, but not two at the same time. Let alone one for each community.

We are soon heading out across the water. The Lady is taking me to the bridge rather than back to my cell. A good plan, I can claim I circumnavigated the island. I wave goodbye and start scaling. I'm about three-quarters of the way up when a pink blur yanks me off the cliff. Pink is so bewildered that she nearly crashes into the water while holding me. What we land on is considerably softer, and drier.

And it's time for a bit of diplomacy.

Pink's blubbering eases and she is still hanging onto me and deeply sobbing. Only I'm aware that we're being observed, and how confused our observer is.

"Percy," Pink says as she strains not to drop into incoherence, "I know you can talk, please, please, please explain. All of this. We don't understand." She tears up and hugs me more tightly. "We want to understand, want to make up for all ponies have done to you." She breaks the hug and leans back. "We love you."

I frankly don't know which of the three of us is more shocked. Me on hearing it, Pink for saying it, or the heartfelt admission by a pony to a human stunning the Lady. Pink relaxes to snuggle against me. "I love you. You've done nothing but good to me and the ponies around me. But you frighten me, I am frightened for you, because I don't understand you."

"Then look at this place. Imagine it with crystals veined through the ceiling lighting it to the brightness of a cloudy day."

"That's what Princess Luna told us about," Pink says, sniffling a little. "And some really disturbing things." She hides her grin at that, confirming that the slap on the flank had an 'uplifting' effect on the Lunar Diarch.

"The humans here, over a thousand years ago, had a thriving settlement. Trade, making ornaments, raising their families. They were advanced at least as far as the smaller village of Equestria. Then the ponies came and they ceased being intelligent. They ceased dreaming, they lost their homes, their culture and technology. A thousand-plus years of selective breeding and cullings, and you have the humans as they presently exist: less intelligent, barely sapient, stoic and living and dying at the whim of ponies who have less regard for them than they do dogs and cats. Her Highness got that all in one fell swoop. I'm not surprised she was shocked to her core."

"And you?" Pink asks.

"For me, it was last year, and the year before that. It was no different than the ponies I have known all my life, except the last little while, and then only a select few. The rest, such as that trio of guards, still regard me as something they can use without regard for my wishes, or the desires of my owners."

Pink looks at me with her head bowed. "And you hate us for it?"

"Me hating all the ponies who have wronged me is a waste of time. What really hurt Princess Luna was not that I was angry, but that neither I nor the Lady of the Lake expected any better of the ponies. If a dog saved my life, I'd get him a box of doggy treats, or at least play fetch with him for a while. But I got no acknowledgment from Twilight, not so much as a pat on the head. But I wasn't expecting one from her either."

Pink looks particularly sour about that reminder of her pupil's ingratitude, and my acceptance of it. Like Little Blue, she doesn't like the possibility that humans simply expect ponies to be uncivilized, unthinking and cruel towards them.

"Let's get you home," she says and notes that the patch of dry ground has moved to the shore under the bridge. "Oh," she says as we step on the collection of scree fallen from the cliff side.

"Thank you. I'll see you when I can," I tell the Lady of the Lake, who opens an eye over the entire area we were sitting on.

I think Pink carries both of us to bridge level and into the twisting stairway before she starts screaming in terror.

"I don't think much for your taste in friends either," I tell her as we race through the corridors.

The Grand Galloping Gala, oh dear merciful Lord in Heaven, if I never have to go through with that insanity again, it will be far too soon. I finally got a decent look at Twilight Sparkle, poor kid. She seemed so excited to be with the Great White, but in a receiving line? Set me on fire and poke me with a stick. That's torture for anybody. You can't really have a talk because you're too busy talking to the endless stream of high-ranking nobodies trooping before you. I don't know what the kid, kid ha, she's supposed to be a young adult, was thinking but even I know that's how a 'high-class' party is supposed to go.

I walked along the 'whisper galleries' these apparently ornamental fixtures high above the walk ways, where the head servants can observe and send maids, janitors or security to any problem. Most of the servants know me, so they don't have a problem with me moving along. Although they snicker a lot at me watching the Great White, Pink, and Armor as the evening progressed.

The pony I'm really trying to get a glimpse of is Little Blue. I haven't seen her since my imprisonment at the lake, and the rumors of what she saw in my dreams have run absolutely rampant. Brewing with the effect that place has on the guards as well makes a potent cocktail of denials, guesses and pony hysteria. It's a desperate attempt to explain the intended rape of Cadence's human by the staff who should have known whose special somepony the human Percy was. Anything to ignore the facts.

I travel through the galleries to my other target. Octavia is in the main hall with the string quartet. The dreams of a lifetime coming down to this one event. Her debut before the crustiest of the upper crust. She's immaculately coifed and made up, her dress is extremely understated, but her cello is doing the talking, not her fashion sense. I spot the Mighty Poof, he's heading there, to enjoy the music. I'd already planned to pry Little Blue out of her room, literally if it came to that, have her sit with the Mighty Poof and listen to Octavia. She's a thousand years out of date with music, but he knows enough that they'll at least be able to discuss it intelligently. Good for both of them. I have to fight hard to hide a grin.

Except, I hate it when there's an 'except', this gold digger latches onto the Mighty Poof the moment she laid eyes on her. I mean she talks with a Mid-Atlantic accent, nobody in real life talks with a Mid-Atlantic accent, it was invented in the Northeast and used by Hollywood in the 30's on to make their stars sound sophisticated. So, she's putting on airs. Her dress, to be fair, her dress is no worse than the rococo horror Twilight was wearing, but Twilight doesn't know any better. Pony fashion is so baroque it's broken. This dress looks like a 6-year-old sugar-fiend's idea of what a princess would wear. Odd, considering the real princesses are normally attired by efforts of a blacksmith/jeweler rather than a dress maker. It's easier to picture Pink, the Great White or Little Blue in full plate armor (appropriately jeweled, gilded and embossed) than in a dress.

The poor Mighty Poof does a polite attempt to get her to buzz off, but Mitsubitchy (yes, her cutie mark is three diamonds) can't get it through her head that he isn't interested, and he's far too polite to simply crown her a zero and be done with it. He tries to scrape her off on some other noble for a good ten minutes. So much for Little Blue's debut on the arm/foreleg of the Mighty Poof.

My contingency plan to get her out there to listen to the music alone falls flat when, where did they get these clothes? The pink maniac practically mauls the entire quartet, because, get this, they aren't partying like a six-year-old's birthday party. Lady Hornswoggle, I have to thank, she had the guts to tell that manic maniac 'it isn't that kind of party!' Bless you. Saves me the trouble of using a harpoon on the idiot. The servants are already plotting a quiet assassination, for all the work they put in to making this party work. And ponies call humans uncivilized savages. The humans wandering among the crowd as waiters or with their owners are better behaved than Candyland's Rorschach. Just clear the room for two seconds, I'll take care of it. Douse her with pure alcohol and the air friction will light it off.

With my plans for getting Little Blue out of her shell merrily burning at the hooves of Mitsubitchy and Candyland's Rorschach, I wonder about just escorting her through the gardens. Let her look in on the ponies having fun at night, her kind of quiet fun. When the universe just has to give me a big ole kick in the head as I climb down out of the galleries to the gardens themselves. There's a pony manning a concession stand right outside a fully-catered party. Where is the logic in that? If she's staff, she shouldn't be charging. If she isn't, she should wheel that out to where the reporters with the long-reach lenses are plastered against the fences trying to get a photo of who's talking with whom, and which ponies are dancing. Egad. She'd be doing a land office business. But less than 30 yards from the buffet, what were they thinking? Were they thinking?

I stifle an urge to beat my head on a wall or tree, especially with all the photogs with a clear line of sight on me. No human would think anything about this blatant insanity, much less be disturbed by it.

Okay, walk through the gardens, get my bearings, try to come up with a new plan. Maybe help out that concessionaire by moving her where she can get some sales, considering she isn't hurting anybody. That's it! Little Blue and I can move her out, let's everybody see 'Luna's a good sport, kind, thoughtful and clever'. Then I can lead her back to the main party so she can -

I'm. In. A. Net. I'm upside-down in a goddamned net. I'm in a goddamned net hanging upside-down from a tree! Okay universe, I was willing to let bygones be bygones, let you have a little fun at Percy's expense and make my victory a little hard and that much sweeter. Now, it's war. No more 'happy Percy', the Crimson Death has raised the black flag and is offering no quarter.

The yellow and pink pegasus wanders up and looks at me. Her dress, other than it's dirty from rolling around in the garden, is no less awful than most of the other troublemakers this evening. Is it the uniform for lunatics this season, or did they all escape from the same asylum?

"You aren't a squirrel or a little bird, you're a bad boy for setting off my trap," she says, and she glares at me. One of those glares you get from your mom after you put lipstick on the dog.

No sale. I hope you like your dress Peep, because they're gonna be burying you in it.

"WRRAWRARAHR!" I holler as I reach out with every intention of gouging that glare right out of Peep's head and ripping her limb from limb. I also tear the net apart while I'm thundering. There are stories about a pegasus so fast she can make a 'Sonic Rainbow' or some such. Now there might be two.

I stand there, under the net, getting my breathing under control and hating the entire universe in general. A buzzard lands in a tree a short distance away. Just wait bucko, there'll be carrion a plenty in just a few moments. I should feel a little guilty about scarring Peep for life, but there's being reasonable and accepting, and there's just being a punching bag. Beside, scarring her for life is only about five minutes, maybe ten at the outside, so it's okay. I follow the little bits of dress stuck to the bushes Peep screamed through. I half-expect Armor to show up with a contingent of guards and ask me if I've seen a terrifying monster out in the gardens. If they've got Peep with them, I'll point at her, let out a terrified shriek and go climb a drainpipe. Hilarious, and truly fitting revenge. I break through the trees on her trail and back onto the garden path.

The concession stand is gone. Odd, but hopefully she moved and is making a killing. Then I spot Little Blue. Finally, maybe things will start working out.

"I would have expected you to be staying near Cadence and Shining Armor," she chides me as Cadence and Armor arrive.

I smile at them and motion them forward. Then I peer into the main hall. I honestly don't know if God loves me or hates me as the scene unfolds. The Mighty Poof has still not shaken Mitsubitchy. She isn't a remora, she's a lamprey. Candyland's Rorschach tries to do a header onto a cake, and ends up sending it sailing through the air. Rather than diving out of the way, the Mighty Poof takes the opportunity to put Mitsubitchy right in the path. And Mitsubitchy is too much 'a lady' to dive out of the way on her own.

Now ponies use pies in combat against each other, so a cake that size should be either heavy artillery, or a light cruiser round. The gold digger sits there like a ditz awaiting rescue and just lets it hit her. Pink and Armor are horrified, I can barely keep from laughing.

Of course Mitsubitchy gives the Mighty Poof a piece of her mind, but he's having so hard a time not laughing at her I can feel for him.

Next, the universe decides to mess up everyone else's night. Some pegasus rams a Celestia statue into one of the pillars, which happens to fall against another pillar, and another, and another, and so forth. Before the entire roof can be fatally compromised and collapse, the Great White arrives. Peep explodes into the room screaming about monsters trying to love her, or something.

Little Blue, Pink and Armor are all staring at me, raised eyebrows seem to be the uniform of the moment. I'll let them wonder.

The general, panicking exodus from the room is in the Great White's direction. She stands out of the way and lets the others go as she surveys the general carnage.

"So, whence begins this 'fun' of which you were speaking?" Little Blue asks as she surveys the damage. Armor facehooves and Cadence just laughs nervously. Neither is enlightening to the Lunar Diarch.

The quartet retrieve their instruments before the room is closed due to the pillars. Cadence and Armor lead them and the other guests to the throne room to continue the party, or calm the ponies enough so they can leave without endangering themselves or others. I and every able body and unoccupied horn return to the site of the disaster. Well, Little Blue gets her debut, cleaning up a mess of monumental proportions. Not my plan, but it serves. I sigh as I set to work.

The rest of the night is spent putting the pillars back up, determining which sections are no longer sound, and generally cleaning up the mess. The Great White left, probably to spend some time laughing her flank off with Twilight at this disaster. Little Blue and a team of construction ponies and humans work through the night. I think she enjoyed it, the crews are grateful for a spell caster that powerful for the more delicate and difficult tasks. They need humans who can follow directions on the block and tackle or the push rods. That's how I spend my evening.

Well, Octavia wanted her debut to be memorable. No one is ever going to forget this gala, but I doubt anyone will remember her except as part of the group that calmed everypony down after the disaster. The disaster will be what's remembered. I wonder if the Great White knows who those trouble makers were. A nice quiet explanation, involving sharp knives, salt and electricity comes to mind. But I can wait.

It's almost dawn when I finally retire to my bed. Cadence and Armor likewise leave word that nothing short of the end of the world is to disturb their slumber. As an afterthought Cadence includes me in the proclamation. A bit tardy, but she is learning. She's learning how other ponies think about humans, and I don't think she likes it.

11) The Long Twilight Snuggle

I Am Not Spartacus - The Long Twilight Snuggle
by Dan's Comments
Based in the 'Your Human and You' universe by MadMaxtheBlack
This story is NOT canon with Your Human and You

DISCLAIMER: My Little Pony is the property of Hasbro, Inc.

The meeting is in Luna's quarters, no guards, no whisper galleries and just the three alicorns and Armor. It still feels like the inquisition.

"We all know thou canst speak and reason, as well as a pony," Little Blue says, then considers, "Mayhaps better than most."

I nod. I have no idea where this is going. My mind goes over all the scenarios that could play out from being handed over for vivisection, being treated as a stud to reintroduce intelligence into the humans here, to a few more hopeful ones that I refuse to invest hope in. I remain silent. For five years, I have been at the mercy of ponies' whims and cravings. Now facing the rulers of the land, my situation has not changed an iota.

When it's clear that I am not going to drive the conversation, Little Blue begins. "Why didst thou not speak with them? Is not speech the mark of true sapience?" Little Blue says, all surety and eager hopefulness. And the implication that my fate was entirely my fault. I can understand her feeling that way, which if ponies knew and understood, all this would not have happened, but that thinking needs to be brought up short. She is in denial of who and what ponies are, what they did over a thousand years ago, and what they are doing even now.

"With all due respect your Highness, that's typical pony arrogance," I reply sharply, "What makes you think I didn't, and what makes you think they cared?"

Neither Diarch is happy with my tone, and no one around the table is happy with the implications.

"My captors had a product to sell, slaves for the pits. Anything that differed from that had to be pounded back into the right shape. The idea that they might make far more money with a talking human didn't occur to them, and when I brought it up, I was severely beaten for 'distracting' them."

The Great White looks like she wants to protest, then she ruffles her wings and settles down. She looks at the others, then gestures for me to continue.

"I was painstakingly educated by my initial captors, and one of my subsequent owners, about the proper behavior and decorum for humans among ponies. In a way, that training was what allowed me to keep my genitals, because they could give me smaller shocks there, and it wouldn't show up as burns on my skin and affect my fighting performance."

Cadence winces and extends a wing towards me, and thankfully pulls it back. I honestly would have been repulsed by the contact at this moment. I get up from the small table and pace. Anger I had striven so hard to bury begins to bubble to the surface. Long practice and a keen survival instinct lets me master it within moments. I take a few, deep, cleansing breaths, while reminding myself that there is nothing I can do about the past and there is little I can do about the present or future without permission or acquiescence. I retake my seat, outwardly placid, inwardly my anger undiminished and utterly impotent. "I beg your pardons," I say and bow my head for a moment.

The Great White frowns slightly at that. She has the expression of one intent on picking at a scab that itches, despite knowing it is unwise. "You still fear your fate at our hands?"

I glance at Armor, and he wilts, remembering our shared history.

"What were the five ponies killed in and around my cell planning to do to me?" I ask and keep my tone as mild as possible. "You may have no ill-wishes towards me, but your protection vanishes the moment your eyes are off me, and every pony in this city, especially within the capitol itself knows that. I am property, of no more value than a coach or a dog. And there is no way even the rulers of this land can change that. It is a symbol of power to steal other ponies' humans and return them, covered in the smell and residue of sex, and I have heard no law or dictum raised against that practice. It is a herd-dominance game and you all know a law against it would be unenforceable. Your culture all but enshrines it as an acceptable alternative over physical threat displays, like screaming at each other." I give them a thin-lipped smile. "Now that you know the truth, during your reading of the reports of my actions, how many times did you wonder how so many ponies missed the obvious signs? If I hadn't played the cello, you'd all still be in comfortable denial. The doctor at the Institute refused to accept that I had problem-solving intelligence, despite the proof staring her in the face. Because I did not solve the problems the way she expected, I could obviously not be intelligent. For five years, I've lived within the penumbra of that willful ignorance from every pony I have encountered. And the majority who knew of my sapience, cared nothing for it. Were even irritated that I'd made them aware of it. You cannot overcome that with a royal decree and a pronouncement."

"We can try," Pink says and looks at the two thoughtful Diarchs.

"They know it would cause chaos: ponies would begin all manner of cruel testing on humans to determine which others were 'faking it'," I say and both Armor and the Diarchs look ill at the accuracy of the statement, "And it would weaken your authority if you tried. I've read enough in the tabloids about 'hidden human villages' where the humans are cunning enough to evade capture. Those stories are based on myth and conjecture, and still cause hysteria. Irrefutable evidence that intelligent humans exist would double or treble that hysteria and involve most of the population in feeding or quelling it." I look at Pink. "They'd be better off tossing me head first out a high window than let that loose on your people."

"I would think there would be better options than the two you've presented," the Great White says, defending her ponies.

"Maybe your Highness is right for many of the ponies you know. But I know I'm right for most of them I've met," I reply, "And the ones I know are the ones who are most likely to ignore your laws and edicts."

"So what hope hast thee?" Little Blue asks. Her ears are pinned back and her face pinched. She looks like she wants to stomp something to dust.

"To die at peace, at the ripe old age of several decades," I tell them, and shock them worse than anything I've said before. Little Blue and the Great White stare at each other, communicating silently as siblings and couples can. Much is passing between them as the silence grows.

"Several?" Armor asks.

"My father passed away well after his twentieth year," I reply. I don't tell them I'm not from Equestria, because an aberrant strain of human is one thing. An alien kidnaped from another world is another entirely. I suspect returning home was what Little Blue wanted the answer to be, but I still am unsure if I should reveal that tidbit. Just what I've told them has them under tremendous strain. And my life depends on them valuing me more than their peace of mind.

"My initial plan was to research enough to disappear into the Everfree Forest. Forging the appropriate passes and documents would be trivially easy. But with Twilight's presence in Ponyville, expeditions into that once forbidden territory have increased. It would no longer be the haven it originally appeared to be."

"The Castle of the Pony Sisters," Little Blue says, "We canst see how thy plan would conceal thee. The grottos and corridors beneath housed most of the work done."

"You would have run away?" Pink asks. She looks crushed by my revelation.

"How many assassination attempts have I escaped? And I wasn't the real target. My death was to strike at you and Shining Armor," I remind her.

"You have a talent for exposing the darkest elements of ponykind," the Great White says and shakes herself.

"I have been careful not to even scratch that surface," I tell her, "There are far, far worse things I have seen, that thank God were not done to me." I force down my anger, so I can make the next statement at least sound sincere. "I appreciate that all of you have tried to treat me decently. Given me a home, and reminded me that everything on four legs isn't actively planning to hurt me. But for five years, I saw a callous indifference to the suffering inflicted by ponies on humans. Guards were paid a pittance to look the other way. Nobles were allowed 'special access' for their protection and patronage. Fillies and colts were brought in to watch branding parties of new fodder for the pit. And through it all, the delighted laughter of ponies thoroughly enjoying what they were doing to humans. I'm not saying that humans would entirely avoid the same traps, if humans were intelligent and dominant, and ponies were dumb animals. But I am saying, we wouldn't be bought as cheaply as ponies are. I've watched more than one human endanger itself, even face death, to protect a pony. I have never seen any pony old enough to have a cutie mark so much as risk a bloody nose to protect a human, yet they gallop into a burning building to save the family cat or dog. Somewhere along the line, all ponies everywhere are shorn of their empathy for humans. Maybe it's in school, or maybe familiarity breeds contempt. But as clever as you all are, I could have kept fooling you as long as I wished, because you would have been helping me every step of the way."

I glanced at Armor. "I bet if your bright kid-sister encountered an intelligent human, the human would have to specifically tell her he or she was intelligent, before she'd acknowledge it."

Armor shifts nervously and frowns.

"So, why did you give yourself away?" Pink asks, she seems near tears as she asks it.

I take a deep breath, a pause while I consider how much to say. I decide to tell them the truth. "I've thought about that. That what kept me going in the pit, was the thrill of danger. Of always putting it all on the line and throwing the dice again. Down there, even though you know you're smarter, better trained, and the other poor sucker doesn't stand a chance, there's always luck, complacency, and the unexpected. And the penalty for losing the throw is death." I lean back and stare at the ceiling. "Two to three times a week, and it became a routine. And it became a thrill. Most times, it was a dumb animal with no more comprehension of what was happening than a plank being nailed to a wall. Then, I had to draw it out. Give his or her death some grace and artistry. So the ponies would yell and scream and part with more bits to see it again. Sometimes, the fighter showed a glimmer of talent. I had to draw it out, let them fight hard enough that the crowd would demand they live. Then for a while, I taught them all the tricks they could absorb, so they'd live a little longer. By being good fighters, or by being entertaining to the ponies. None but me ever went to the Warmasters. None ever made it through the guards' cullings. None ever became famous or clever enough to live."

The patterns in the wood overhead begin to become faces, manifestations of fear, desperation, and horror at understanding what facing the Crimson Death really meant. "And occasionally, it was something that knew more than 'the pointy bit goes in the other man'. Against those, I threw out any honor or theater, because that was someone who was there willingly. Then, I shattered their pride, and I killed. Quickly. There was always the temptation to draw it out, to make them suffer, because they understood suffering. They planned on the suffering. They just never thought it would be theirs," I explain in an almost dreamy tone, caught between memories of Equestria and all the heroic literature I'd read and studied on Earth, "They could understand they were at my mercy, and I could do to them whatever I wanted and whatever the crowd demanded. Whatever they had planned to do to me."

I move forward both physically and in mental timeframe to the present, and stare at the horrified faces. "But I ignored the crowd. I ignored the ponies and griffons, and whatever else screaming at me to make something bleed and cry and scream for their amusement." I pound the table, making them jump. "Because I am NOT a pony. Because if I fell into that trap, I would be exactly what they thought I was. A dumb animal with no brains, just bloodlust. If it was a pony, I hurt it and convinced it to try to escape. If it was a minotaur, I killed it with the first blow I could. If it was a griffon, I tried to make it escape, then dispatched it instantly if it refused. Zebras and mules, I knocked unconscious. Bulls were like griffons, some realized and tried to run away, others wouldn't and they died." The anger is gone. I see the horror on the faces, like the horror I saw over and over in the pit. The realization in both cases that they had lost their comfortable world where they were masters of their fate and the world bent at their touch. The difference is that here I have merely held up a mirror. In the pit, I was the final arbiter of whether they lived or died, and how much agony they would go through before I decided.

I desperately hope I was a more merciful 'god' than they would have been.

Pink looks like she wants to hug me until the bad memories go away, but is afraid she'll throw up all over me if she moves. Armor looks haunted. The Great White looks at me with deep pity, and an odd resonance. That I too have seen horrors no one else should, and survived with my sanity damaged but intact. Little Blue has the strangest expression, like I'm some long lost, beloved relative who's arrived at her doorstep hungover and reeking.

"Please, ask no more questions you aren't ready for the answers to. All that information I provided should have warned you that I was intimately familiar with all aspects of the darkest elements of the human trade. Unless you count the selling of the underaged to ponies."

That does if for Pink, only Armor putting a trash can under her muzzle keeps the floor from being the recipient. She's tough, but not as hardened as the Great White and Little Blue, but the last tidbit has them shaken and queasy. Armor tries to soothe her once her stomach is empty but the reflexes go on.

"Sorry," I tell her and stroke her back. "Like Armor, I'd rather you didn't know the worlds we've walked through. But you insist on traveling those paths, and here there be monsters."

Pink nods, and puts her muzzle back in the trash can.

"Didst thy fortitude in the face of Nightmare Moon stem from thy callousness towards death, or thy desire for it?" Little Blue asks, "Or that thou surmised that naught could she accomplish, beside what thou had already withstood?"

"The latter," I reply, "It might be my arrogance, but I honestly didn't think she'd harm me. I was trivial. It was Cadence she would have struck at."

"Arrogant by assuming yourself trivial?" the Great White asks. She's smirking, and I suspect someone else is soon going to be hearing that phrase.

"Arrogant in that I could fool someone into thinking I'm trivial even as I'm neutralizing her," I say.

"So thou afflicted her with intent!" Little Blue cries out, I'm not sure if she's angry, elated or both. "Thy ministrations addled her so, We nearly overcame her before the Elements swept her from the world!"

"That's two Twilie owes you," Armor says as he gets Pink more settled. "What she described sounded more like a training exercise than an attack plan."

"Not all was Percy's doing," Little Blue says.

Armor bows and smiles.

"I think our sense of place has taken a sufficient beating for the moment," the Great White says, shivers and sighs. She looks more tired than I've seen her in quite some time. "If you told all that to Nightmare Moon, I think she would have been too conflicted to do anything."

"Aye," Little Blue adds, "Although, there is another I do wish to see Percy duel: Sombra."

"I'm afraid Sombra would drown himself in tears of joy that ponies had 'evolved'," the Great White says. "Percy, you have my permission to kill King Sombra on sight. If you can."

I nod and wonder what things this villain could be that would make him immune to any weaponry.

The conversation is over, so Pink and Armor head back to their apartment. The Great White and Little Blue ask me to stay a moment.

"I apologize for the questioning," the Great White says.

"I apologize for the answers, but you asked, and I thought you needed to know," I reply, "I also wanted you to know I was a good person, once."

"Thoust remain a good person," Little Blue assures me. She glances at her sister. "Thy rage didst never create such a thing as Nightmare Moon."

"With respect your Highness, I'm worse. I can become Nightmare on command, and then put it away when I don't need it anymore. Nightmare Moon needed vast magical powers. I needed a light switch and four rolls of toilet paper."

"And a fire poker," the Great White adds.

" . . . " Little Blue just stares at the two of us.

I wake, and wonder if I slept past noon. The place is too quiet for morning, but the sun is high. The whole world feels, off. I hear the faith bumping at the front door. Now I'm awake, and ready to take on anything.

First, I head into their bedroom to wake Armor and Pink, and get them out the window while I face what's at the door. Pink's bed is disarranged and empty, and Armor's is equally disarranged, but only essentially empty. Laid out on his looks like the almost complete kit of a Greek Hoplite. Back and breast plates, vambraces, gauntlets and greaves. All in white, and all prominently marked with Armor's cutie mark. And an axe. Not some woodsman's tool, but a heavy war ax with a spike to balance the broad blade.

I think they're getting me ready to give Sombra a big surprise.

'Accomplishing' this knight takes only a few moments, this kit goes on like the theater stuff, and is sized perfectly for me. No longer the Crimson Death, I look like the White Hoplite. Looking closer, the axe blade has damasking, whirling striations of color in the base white material of sapphire blue, cerulean and darker phthalo blue. The spiral blood grooves in the spike bring all the suspicions together in one disturbing realization.

I don't feel horrified at the source of my shining armor. I feel enraged. Even if this is a weird dream, someone has decided that messing with my family is a good idea. That someone desperately needs an attitude adjustment.

The bumping at the front door brings me around. I lack a helmet or the hoplon shield, but the two-handed axe makes up for part of that. I adjust a picture on the dining room table to show me what's in the door, then I slip up to the side of the door and flip it open. Nothing rushes in, and what I see as a reflection stuns me. It's a Cadillac, one of the ones from the late fifties with the huge tail fins. These tail fins are painted to look like wings, and the entire car is pink, well light cerise, but close enough.

I peer around the corner at the car. It honks softly and backs up. It sits there, and I swear it seems confused. I have no idea how I know this, but that's the impression I get. I also realize it isn't full-sized. It's about a 5/8th scale model.

Okay, this dream is getting creepy and surreal. I heft the axe, and open the passenger side door. The car's idle changes, but it doesn't do anything as I get in. I put the axe behind the empty driver's seat, and I turn on the radio. The upholstery is predictably, accented with alternating violet, rose and pale gold stripes.

"Percy, what's . . . are you all right? Where's Shining?" Cadence's voice blares out of the radio.

"I'm fine. Shining, I'm wearing him. Somepony needs to quit including you two in my dreams. I thought Princess Luna understood how bewildering they were to ponies."

"Percy, this isn't a dream," Cadence says as she pulls a bootlegger turn and accelerates down the corridor.

Oh course it's a dream, how the heck would you even know what a bootlegger turn is, let alone how to do one if any of this were real? Heck, you'd barely be able to figure out how your wheels work. Of course I don't tell her that, the poor kid is distraught enough as it is.

"Stop," I order, and she does. I get out of the car and grab the figure huddling behind a potted plant that's telling him how worthless he is. "Come on Blueblood, time to save Equestria and all that." I slap away the grasping fronds as I approach.

For whatever reason, his desperate scrabbling doesn't give him enough traction to even slow me down. His weakness or my strength, I neither know nor care.

"What do we need him for?" Cadence asks. I turn down the volume on the radio, once I've stuffed the Mighty Poof in the back seats and climbed back into the shotgun seat.

"Any hand in a crisis," I tell her.

"If he wets on my seats," Cadence says.

"You'll be able to embarrass him at will for the rest of his life," I tell her, then put the volume back up. She's no Richard Petty or Dale Earnhardt, but for someone who never saw a car before becoming one, driving on polished marble floors, she does a credible turn of speed.

The corridor and doorway to throne room look almost normal. The guards before the doors with their gleaming helmets. If you ignore the kittens within those helmets standing sentinel atop a pile of unoccupied armor. They meow sternly.

"Princess Cadence, Captain Shining Armor, Prince Blueblood, and Percy the Crimson Death," I shout as I lean out of the window.

They meow in relief, stoic and practical. They know the heroes have arrived. Pink shifts into low and pushes the doors open.

Inside, the nobles and petitioners stand in clumps, parting to allow the Cadencelac through. While the chatter around us intensifies, my eyes are on the obvious anomaly in the room. The Frankenstein's monster assembly of pieces darting over the Diarchs. It's obviously enjoying the show, and haranguing the Princesses. I briefly consider heaving the war axe at it, but while I was excellent at throwing weapons, its movements are too fluid and too close to the Diarchs to risk it.

I climb out of the car, and drag Blueblood out of the back seat. "Stay here, Armor and I will handle this."

The effect is electric. The ponies all gasp and draw back. Oh, the possibilities. I shoulder the axe and look at all the ponies. They wilt as my gaze falls on them, like a heat beam on flowers. Their fear withers them as I survey the crowd. The entity doesn't like having the spotlight stolen. Too bad.

"Yes, I can talk. And I bet you're all expecting me to go into a big pronouncement about the treatment of humans by you ponies. How the very ones who preach love and tolerance, regularly castrate and sterilize, beat, imprison and blind the ones who can barely raise a hand against you. To decry your throwing me and hundred to thousands of others over the years, decades and centuries, into a pit day after day after day and expect me to make whatever other unfortunate you threw in afterwards scream and cry and beg for mercy while you all stood above it, aloof and cruel and congratulating yourself on your superiority."

I pause, and the only sound is a quill on parchment as the anomaly frantically takes notes. The ponies are all staring at me. "Well, I won't."

There is the sound of an angry chicken flying through a plate glass window. Don't ask how I know that. It doesn't involve a tornado.

"Oh come on!" the anomaly protests. The two Diarchs both snicker at the anomaly's distress.

"I am not, because I never expected any better from any of you. I have watched you here and seen the same sneering cruelties I have seen as long as I can remember. The cruelties of children thinking their parent hasn't caught them. You do as much of it as you can get away with to each other, why should people who can't hit back expect any better? None of you are worth my time."

"You, however," I say as I march up the steps, "I am going to politely request you restore Shining Armor, Princess Cadence, Princess Celestia, and Princess Luna to status quo ante, if you would be so kind."

I note the anomaly has taken 'cover' behind the Great White. She and Little Blue are unchanged, except they seemed to be molded into their thrones. Perhaps they are like the 'loaf cat' pictures with their legs concealed beneath their bodies and wings tucked tight against them, or their condition may be more horrendous. Neither seems too alarmed, even smirking as the anomaly cowers behind them.

"Nope."

"Would you please explain why?" I ask, reaching the level of the thrones and shift the axe to a more convenient carrying place. Two Diarchs' giggles disturb my target more than I.

"I am the font of eternal and endless chaos," he announces, 'he' due to him sounding like Q from Star Trek. This arms-wide gesture accompanies a blast of lightning and thunder that sounds like a coyote's yip.

"So you did all of this?" I ask.

"Of course," he replies.

"Because you wanted it to happen?" I ask.

"Exactemende," he replies. He stares at me with irritation. I'm a slow student, stating the obvious.

He'll flip if I tell him I have never heard of him, and have no idea who or what he is. Save that for later.

"Intent driving action, cause following effect, that's the basis of order, so how are you associated with Chaos?" I ask.

He raises his hand, and there is a bell-like sound, and he immediately falls to pieces.

Both Diarchs giggle, but no hooves to cover their laughter. The pieces leap back into the air and reassemble.

"Blasphemy!" he shrieks and shakes a very sharp salami at me.

"Blasphemy, moi?" I ask.

"That's my line!" he says and raises his hand as if to snap his fingers.

"Well, there is one chaotic thing you did," I say and seem to consider, setting the axe back on my shoulder.

"One?" he asks, his ears pinned back in a very pony-like expression, his hand still extended.

"Just one," I tell him, then lean close, "Me," I tell him with as much menace as I can manage. I start circling the Great White to get at him. He starts circling to keep the Great White between us. "You didn't expect me, you didn't intend me, so you have no idea what to do with me, do you?" I ask as we circle the Great White faster and faster. "When you changed me, you showed true Chaos, and I am beyond you now. I am eternal, now and forever. So you could change me into wind, or snow, or seven notes of music, and you would spend the rest of your life wondering when I would reach you. And what I am going to do to you when I do."

"Percy, you can't kill him," the Great White tells me.

"Oh, she's trying to protect you, isn't that sweet?" I tell him, I grin at her, and scowl at him, "But you see, you hurt the people I care about. Protect you, no one can." I stop and glare at him. He stops his circling as well.

Then I smile. "You can't outrun me. You can't destroy me. If you damage me, the essence of what I am remains. I will regenerate and keep coming."

I start to circle again, deliberate step after deliberate step around the Great White, my tone stays low, almost conversational, but the ponies far below are retiring to the far edges of the throne room. "Eventually you will weaken, your reserves will be gone, I am relentless."

He gestures. I have Armor draped over me, and one of his forelegs in my hand. I let him climb down off me. "Go see to Cadence," I whisper to him. He heads down. The Great White stands and puts her wings around me to restrain my advance. The anomaly is standing out in midair a short ways from the throne. He actually gives the Great White a grateful look, then catches himself like a teenager caught approving of his parents.

"Percy, he has restored your family. I do not wish you to destroy him. He might one day be redeemed," the Great White tells me while holding me tight to her chest with her wings.

"Redeemed, I?" the anomaly says, "Celestia you forget yourself."

"He is restrained by my wings and word," the Great White reminds him, and smiles.

"I'm inclined to let him go," I tell the Great White, "In many ways, he's no worse than the ponies down there."

"THEM'S FIGHTIN' WORDS!" the anomaly replies in the Royal Canterlot Voice inches from my face.

"Oh really, and you can do better than them? Ha." I point to the Great White. "Look at her. All you and them see is a thousand-year-old sovereign. She's a youthful woman, the age and attitude of a young mother. You so desperately want to hurt her to get her attention? You don't have the first clue about how to hurt her, or how to get attention you would want."

"Percy," the Great White warns.

"He doesn't actually want to hurt you. He wants your attention. Like a naughty child wants his mommy's love," I reply.

"I think I'm going to be sick," Luna says. Then looks at the anomaly holding his mouth closed and holding up a sign that reads 'Me Too!'

"Then look at that pompous windbag trying to hide in the Ficus bush, she's the chamberlain. She controls the schedule and who meets with her, and who doesn't. She rings her round and round with protocols and fancies, to 'retain her majesty.' Celestia needs none of that. She carries her majesty with her like a shroud. She does it for herself, to impress her power on everyone around her, and to gain some little fulfillment for forcing mighty Celestia to bow to her trifling wishes. How do you differ, how are you more malevolent than that arrogant mayfly stealing joy day by day from someone too gentle to strike them down and start over? Do you honestly think if Celestia turned to Shining Armor tomorrow and told him to put them all to the sword, they wouldn't all deserve it?"

The anomaly stands in midair with his mouth hanging open.

"And the lies they spread about her fearsome punishments. Yet when trouble arrives, they flock to her like frightened children. Even knowing you were here inside the room, they ran in, not out." I grin at him. "And when you feared, you placed her as your bulwark against me. You depended on, relied on, maybe even prayed for a love you have done precisely nothing to deserve. And it saved you, she saved you, and you are still unworthy. How are you different from them?"

He grimaces and snaps his fingers. There's a moment of disorientation, but nothing more. He's staring at his fingers with horror. He snaps them and becomes a potted plant, another snap and he's a goldfish, another and he's collection of muffins, and another and he's back.

"I already told you, since you don't know what you did to create me, you don't know the counter to return me to status quo ante." I snap my fingers at him, and for an instant he cringed. I ignore the heat coming from within myself. "Princess Celestia has demanded your life. I will honor the request of one of the few in this whole world who has treated me decently. Should you trouble her further, she needs only revoke her request, and, you, are, mine. I have a lifetime of cruelties taught by experts, and would dearly love to see you experience each and every one."

He looks to Celestia, who shrugs.

"But, in deference to her, and Princess Luna, I offer a suggestion. Perhaps something to pour oil on the waters between you and the Diarchs. Change her and Luna into foals for one day, let her play with her student, her friends and their families. Let her bask in the love of people who care about Celestia and Luna as persons, and can see past the crowns."

His jaw drops so hard it bounces off the throne room floor and nearly reaches the ceiling before it snaps back into place.

"No? Well then I have no time for you either." The heat from within is becoming worrisome. Maybe he tried to burn me alive, and it's taking a while to get started. I duck out from under Celestia's wings. "In deference to your wishes, I depart, I doubt I can restrain myself much longer." With that, I march down the stairs from the throne. The heat is becoming uncomfortable. I'm half way down when the anomaly whispers, "I can't fix Sparkle, but if you send her all the Friendship Reports, that should undo what I did. Then the Elements will turn everything back the way it was."

The discomfort is ranging into true pain as I reach the throne room floor. I don't show it as I keep walking.

"Afraid?" the Great White asks the anomaly.

I don't hear the response as I march out of the throne room to the terrified mutterings of ponies. Armor and Pink race after me. Once the doors have closed, and we are around the bend of the corridor, I collapse, the feeling of being meat on the grill can't be denied any longer.

"Percy!" Pink shouts in alarm, as I curl up into a ball and whimper. She touches me, but doesn't recoil, so the heat hasn't reached the surface. The pain grows, and unconsciousness claims me.

The sound of happy laughter brings me around. It has a different timbre than the pony laughter I've heard most of my time here. It sound more like the laughter of human children playing with each other, rather than the sound of someone getting away with something.

I open my eyes as someone complains, 'Consarn it, princess, that's plumb cheating!' The answering raspberry comes from a white, alicorn filly sailing over the collection of fillies and colts running in every direction. Delighting in the warm summer's day, the rolling green fields, and the large number of playmates.

The lasso caught the white filly, and drags her to the ground. The filly with the bonnet laughed as she tagged the white alicorn. "Some of us ain't spring chickens ta be fooled, yer Highness." The filly laughs and races away.

The alicorn chases after her. Others of all colors of the rainbow chase after each other across the ground and through the sky.

I spot a unicorn male, a teenager rather than colt, with two 'devoted' followers. The unicorn mare seems colored like a relative, the butter-colored, pink-maned pegasus seems more likely a fan.

That's Shining Armor I realize as I look over the collection. Celestia, that looks like the concessionaire, that's Hairbow and her older brother, I don't know who the rainbow pegasus is, where's . . .

I see something that truly makes this dream surreal. The pink maniac is sitting in the shade of a tree, snuggled up asleep against filly Luna, who is using the maniac's poofy mane as a pillow, and smiling. Not the near manic grin of Little Celestia running, diving and scampering with a pack of foals, but a quiet, contented grin, with a wing draped over the pink maniac.

I realize that Cadence, also a teen, is supervising the game. I head over towards Shining, who cannot step or even turn around without eliciting a sigh from his fanclub. I note that nopony seems to notice me or react. I cast no shadow, although I can see myself clearly.

Armor's pair of admirers are Mitsubitchy and Peep. I suddenly realize that the collection of maniacs who ruined the GGG for every other pony are the Bearer of the Elements of Harmony. I can't imagine how that all goes together, unless I accept that despite every'ponys' chronological age, real adults are few and far between.

"Now you know how Blueblood feels all the time," I tell Armor as he tries to deal with the two fawning, underaged females, with his fiance watching.

He glances around as if he'd heard, but cannot see the source of the words. In spiritus, inspiration.

I head over to where one purple unicorn filly with a set of saddlebags full of books is watching the more athletic, and aggressive ponies are in their tag scrum. She seems worried by the activity, but seems to want to join in because Celestia is playing.

"No one will blame you for wanting to quietly read in the shade," I tell her.

She looks around frantically for the source of the voice.

"Who's a pampered, pony princess?" Celestia shouts at the rainbow-tailed pegasus filly she has in a headlock and is tickling her hooves with her mane, "Who's a pansy pony? Huh? Who's a pansy pony?"

"I am! I am!" the rainbow-tailed pony shouts.

Celestia spots Cadence charging over with a grim expression. The mini-Diarch releases her victim and races into the sky faster than Cadence can follow.

The purple unicorn filly facehoofs at her mentor's antics.

"Do you see another princess who might enjoy a quiet friend?" I ask, and the unicorn looks around to find the source of the words, before reacting to their meaning.

Luna is watching the others racing around with a thoughtful mien. It seems she is the more mature of the alicorn pair, or just the more introverted.

Twilight seems to take the inspiration. She changes the book she's reading to one on astronomy, and moves to settle down next to Luna. The Diarch smiles at her, then drapes her wing over Twilight before going back to sleep.

Okay, whoever you were, I won't kill you on sight. But only because you did this for them. Besides, when we meet again, I can still tell you I don't know who you are. I chuckle at that thought.

11S) Spartacus Roasting on an Open Fire (Side of Chapter 11)

I Am Not Spartacus - Spartacus Roasting on an Open Fire
by Dan's Comments
Based in the 'Your Human and You' universe by MadMaxtheBlack
This story is NOT canon with Your Human and You

DISCLAIMER: My Little Pony is the property of Hasbro, Inc.

Luna knew why her quarters had been chosen for this meeting. Fewer eyes to spy, and fewer mouths to inform. Since she had been the cause of his imprisonment, she still felt more guilt than outrage at the breech of her privacy.

She could feel his restive nature, and a few glances to 'Tia confirmed they knew how agitated he was. The revelation of the ancient ponies' treatment of the humans had horrified her. That he had impassively watched it genuinely frightened her.

Only one thing in nature could contain such titanic forces with little evidence of the terrible roiling within, a volcano. The failure of the yards and miles of stone restraining the captive forces were the most destructive displays in Equestria. Easily dwarfing the battles of Celestia and Nightmare Moon.

There is naught but to lance the boil, she thought, And consider that the pus might stain the carpet later.

She took a breath and moved forward. "We all know thou canst speak and reason, as well as a pony." She braced for the explosion she knew was coming. "Mayhaps better than most."

His only response was a nod. The ponies exchanged worried glances, acknowledging that the explosion would be worse that expected.

No mere boil, but a carbuncle, Luna thought. She glanced at the others. 'Tia seemed to be encouraging her to continue. So she won't have to say anything. Armor and Pink looked like they wanted to cuddle him, not ask difficult questions.

Luna steeled herself and accepted her reputation for tactlessness was going to receive reinforcement. "Why didst thou not speak with them? Is not speech the mark of true sapience?" She grinned nervously at the others to support her foray. None came to her support.

Percy took a deep breath to steady himself at the initial flush of anger, considering his near implacable stoicism, Luna knew she had struck deep on a tender spot. "With all due respect your Highness," he said with the reverence and polish of a longtime member of court, "That is typical pony arrogance."

His tone and expression were as cold and biting as an arctic wind, "What makes you think I did not. And what makes Her Highness think they cared?" He smiled as any brown noser might after delivering a compliment.

Luna gave Celestia a worried look. The 'ponies kill humans always' is not a pretense of artlessness, he truly believes that. She gave Celestia a look to keep silent. In this I choose to be ignored, he will need to love someone, and Celestia needs to love and be loved more than I. I can deal better with a friend who lances my ego, or even dislikes me than can Celestia.

Celestia frowned at Luna's sacrifice, but did not gainsay it. All communicated with a flash of facial expressions and glances that the others do not penetrate.

Percy continued to grind out his tale. More pus from the wound that had been left to fester too long. "My captors had product to sell: slaves, for the pits. Anything that differed from that had to be pounded back into the right shape."

Luna watched his knuckles whiten, while his tone remained unchanged. A glare from Luna kept Cadence and Shining Armor from closing with him. Yes, it hurts, but let him get it out, she thought, It will be better for all in the long run.

"The idea that they might make far more money with a talking human didn't occur to them, and when I brought it up." The anger crested and broke, the next was barely a whisper, revealing that even in captivity, he had tried to give his captors what they truly wanted, "I was severely beaten for 'distracting' them."

'Tia flashed to near fury, seeing what Luna had. That Percy had already tried to help his captors, and himself, and the slavers had been more than just stupid, they had been mindlessly cruel. 'Tia realized she'd frightened both Cadence and Armor, so she reined in her rage. She ruffled her feathers to demonstrate her calm, and gestured for Percy to continue.

Little cracks and squeaks came from his hands as Percy delivered his tale in clearly enunciated whispers, as if he could only barely speak the unspeakable, so wanted to ensure a repeat was never necessary, "I was painstakingly educated by my initial captors, and one of my subsequent owners, about the proper behavior and decorum for humans among ponies. In a way, that training was what allowed me to keep my genitals, because they could give me smaller shocks there, and it wouldn't show up as burns on my skin and affect my fighting performance."

Cadence extended a wing towards him. Luna glared and she pulled it back. She bowed her head to the Diarch. Understanding that this was not the time to act like ponies, and cuddle the problem away, but to absorb the pain as mute witnesses.

Percy shot to his feet, and all quailed at what would next occur. He seemed to realize, and stepped away from the table to pace. Cadence glared at Luna, then looked at Celestia, who looked back serenely. Cadence's ears pinned back and her nostrils pinched as if to say, 'He's my human, and I can't even comfort him? Who are you to order this?'

Luna had to hide a smile at Cadence's defiance directed towards Celestia. The Crystal Empire needs ruler who is a friend to Equestria, not a mindless servant, Luna thought as Armor nuzzled her to calm her down.

"He needs to be angry after so long," Armor whispered, "Let him."

Cadence looked disgusted, but nodded to her husband-to-be, she still swept the two Diarchs with a scathing gaze. She would follow her orders, but she didn't have to like it.

I suspect that Percy is in for a major increase in hugs and cuddling in the near future, Luna thought, and approved.

Percy returned to the table, more like a volcano that before. The outward anger hidden, but still roiling beneath the surface. "I beg your pardons," he said and bowed his head generally towards Celestia.

Celestia glanced several times at Cadence, but Percy either missed or ignored the cues. Then she asked, "You still fear your fate at our hands?"

Luna cringed at Celestia's tone. Cadence looked like she wanted to scream her love, support and protection of him, but caught the undertone of Celestia's question. Armor got the worst of it as Percy's full gaze fell on him.

Percy must know what Night Light thinks of him, Luna realized, Armor may head the guard inside the palace, but his father wields much more power across the city.

Percy stunned them all with his next question, "What were the five ponies killed in and around my cell planning to do to me?"

All three alicorns were thunderstruck. He can't think Night Light sent them! Luna thought, Idiot, of course he thinks that, all three were guards assigned to the prison. It's not that great a leap in logic. Besides, he knows ponies look after their own.

His quiet delivery made it worse. That he wasn't even angry about it. He was resigned and wearied by it. "You may have no ill-wishes towards me, but your protection vanishes the moment your eyes are off me, and every pony in this city, especially within the capital itself knows that."

He does suspect Night Light sent them. We know he didn't, Luna thought, But how do you prove a negative?

He continued the weary, stating of facts. The indication of how he built the 'foundation' a brick at a time. "I am property, of no more value than a coach or a dog." He nodded to Celestia, then to Luna. "And there is no way even the rulers of this land can change that. It is a symbol of power to steal other ponies' humans and return them, covered in the smell and residue of sex, and I have heard no law or dictum raised against that practice. It is a herd-dominance game and you all know a law against it would be unenforceable. Your culture all but enshrines it as an acceptable alternative over physical threat displays, like screaming at each other."

He had such a wan smile, all three alicorns wanted to enfold him with their wings until he saw they could protect him, that they could stop the world from hurting him at every turn.

But that would be a most cruel lie, as he just pointed out, Luna thought.

The smile sharpened ever so slightly. "Now that you know the truth, during your reading of the reports of my actions, how many times did you wonder how so many ponies missed the obvious signs? If I hadn't played the cello, you'd all still be in comfortable denial," he made it an accusation, one well earned, "The doctor at the Institute refused to accept that I had problem-solving intelligence, despite the proof staring her in the face. Because I did not solve the problems the way she expected, I could obviously not be intelligent."

Luna risked a glance at Celestia, and suspected that a talk with the doctor would be in the offing, in the very near future.

"For five years, I've lived within the penumbra of that willful ignorance from every pony I have encountered. And the majority who knew of my sapience, cared nothing for it. Were even irritated that I'd made them aware of it," his tone and expression turned sympathetic, "You cannot overcome that with a royal decree and a pronouncement."

"We can try," Pink declared. She stared at the two Diarchs, daring them to dissent.

He smiled sadly and explained with almost tenderness, "They know it would cause chaos: ponies would begin all manner of cruel testing on humans to determine which others were 'faking it'," he explained to Cadence, who looked sick at the scenario painted, and that he seemed to regard it as reasonable. He turned to tell Celestia and Luna, "And it would weaken your authority, if you tried."

Armor tried to interject, but nothing he could think of seemed to matter.

Percy continued in his matter-of-fact tone, ignoring the angst around him, "I've read enough in the tabloids about 'hidden human villages' where the humans are cunning enough to evade capture. Those stories are based on myth and conjecture, and still cause hysteria. Irrefutable evidence that intelligent humans exist would double or treble that hysteria and involve most of the population in feeding or quelling it." He looked at Cadence and Shining Armor, like a disappointed parent. "They'd be better off tossing me head first out a high window than let that loose on your people."

Celestia finally shook herself loose of the web of resignation Percy was weaving. "I would think there would be better options than the two you've presented," she said, trying to reassure him.

Percy reined his vituperation in, and answered softly, "Maybe your Highness is right for many of the ponies you know. But I know I'm right for most of them I've met." He couldn't resist driving the point home, "And the ones I know are the ones who are most likely to ignore your laws and edicts."

Luna forced herself not to rain denials on his head until his knees bent, and went for the crux of what bothered her and presumably Celestia. "So what hope hast thee?"

Finally Percy seemed to realize what he was doing, and relax. "To die at peace, at the ripe old age of several decades."

Impossible, Luna thought and glanced at Celestia who was thinking the same, That would mean a strain of the original stock not only survived, but managed to breed true. Percy has never mentioned this. Of course not, it's too great a secret. And that if his initial captors did not encourage him to reveal its location, did they kill, have they killed all who knew the secret? That because he was not asked to divulge it, is he the first who made it through that cordon? Generations of running and hiding, it is no wonder he despises ponies so. And the song, it was a song of his people. An entire other culture living within our sphere and hiding from us. With their own art, science and even skills, all aimed at avoiding and escaping from our ponies. What wonders could be learned if we could approach them in peace. She looked at Celestia, who had been thinking along the same lines, and came to the conclusion as swiftly as she did. They would never see us or our ponies as friends, not with so many examples of what we would do to them, given the chance, walking our streets and living in our homes.

Luna turned the problem over in her head. We know, or at least suspect what was done to them, shortened their childhood to mere months, instead of the years ponies enjoy. They grow up fast, and they grow up broken. But if Percy and his kin still have the long idyll of growth to adulthood, then it easily explains his intellect. He might have even been a full adult when they caught him. The hidden villages are a legend, and an alluring one, how could they not have even asked about them? They might be the restoration of the rest of their race. But Percy is right, the existence and proof would pit the ponies against themselves in a war like the Three Kingdoms Period, but it would split families and set mare against mare, better to keep it a secret, even from the Pony Sisters. She saw that Celestia agreed. The question burned within her, but would remain unasked.

"Several?" Armor asked.

"My father passed away well after his twentieth year," Percy told them.

Luna and Celestia exchanged a glance. Everything Percy said was making it clear a strain of the original had remained, and it bred true.

And escape back home? Or establish a new colony on Ponyville's doorstep in the place nopony would look? Luna fairly seethed to ask.

"The Castle of the Pony Sisters," Luna said and watched the slight nod, "We canst see how thy plan would conceal thee. The grottos and corridors beneath housed most of the work done."

Would that have been a diplomatic mission, an outpost allowing the exchange of cultures? A chance to undue this stain on Equestria's honor and the monstrous failing of her ponies? Luna wondered.

"You would have run away?" Cadence asked, not seeing the deeper implications.

She does not know, Luna thought, Celestia has not told her. Perhaps not to crush her under the burden that helped push me to becoming Nightmare Moon, but she does need to know.

Percy skirted the real issue and focused on himself and his family, "How many assassination attempts have I escaped? And I wasn't the real target. My death was to strike at you and Shining Armor."

Celestia indicated that they would follow this route out of more dangerous subjects. "You have a talent for exposing the darkest elements of ponykind."

Percy looked at Celestia with pity. She squirmed slightly under the gaze until he explained, "I have been careful not to even scratch that surface. There are far, far worse things I have seen, that thank God were not done to me."

He made an effort to control the temper that still roiled beneath the calm exterior before he spoke, "I appreciate that all of you have tried to treat me decently. Given me a home, and reminded me that everything on four legs isn't actively planning to hurt me. But for five years, I saw a callous indifference to the suffering inflicted by ponies on humans." He glanced at Armor and the stallion shied as if struck a blow. "Guards were paid a pittance to look the other way." Cadence received the same flat look and came near to tears. "Nobles were allowed 'special access' for their protection and patronage. Fillies and colts were brought in to watch branding parties of new fodder for the pit." Now came Celestia's turn and the words sickened both Diarchs. "And through it all, the delighted laughter of ponies thoroughly enjoying what they were doing to humans. I'm not saying that humans would entirely avoid the same traps, if humans were intelligent and dominant, and ponies were dumb animals."

Luna pounced on that, Ponies live among them, and are treated well? They do live in harmony. Ponies have joined with them, and used magics to hide them? They have already achieved what we are striving for. We could show proof that it could be done? Steady Luna, this is a very delicate time. Wait. That's why he can mention it! They might not have been able to rescue him, it would have drawn down too many pursuers, but they must have erased the details from his mind of where the villages are, any pass codes and special signs. That's why he was going to go into the Everfree, so his people could make contact at their own time and when they controlled the situation!

She let him speak rather than demanding the clarification she and Celestia ached for, "But I am saying, we wouldn't be bought as cheaply as ponies are. I've watched more than one human endanger itself, even face death, to protect a pony. I have never seen any pony old enough to have a cutie mark so much as risk a bloody nose to protect a human, yet they gallop into a burning building to save the family cat or dog. Somewhere along the line, all ponies everywhere are shorn of their empathy for humans. Maybe it's in school, or maybe familiarity breeds contempt. But as clever as you all are, I could have kept fooling you as long as I wished, because you would have been helping me every step of the way."

Unfortunately, he is correct. If I hadn't had Nightmare Moon's discomfiture staring me in the face, I too would have ignored the evidence of my own senses.

Percy grinned as he told Armor, "I bet if your bright kid-sister encountered an intelligent human, the human would have to specifically tell her he or she was intelligent, before she'd acknowledge it."

The Captain of the Royal Guard likes neither the implication, nor that it might be true.

Cadence showed clearly that she had a different agenda, "So, why did you give yourself away?"

Good girl, Luna thought, Keep us from giving ourselves away. He needs to talk about this right now, far more than we need to know it just yet.

Percy sat, breathing deeply as if stoking the furnace to gain the force to bring up this weight on his soul. After a few moments of silence, he explained, "I've thought about that."

He paused again, looking from face to face as if gauging their reaction to what he was about to say. Celestia nodded, urging him on. Armor sat in rapt attention. I think Armor does not yet know why he loves Percy so, Luna realized, Percy is the older brother who is already all that Armor longs to be. Lover, warrior, cunning, able to strike with all his heart and soul behind the blow, and yet still having the gentleness ponies all claim, yet so few truly have.

Percy explained, "That what kept me going in the pit, was the thrill of danger. Of always putting it all on the line and throwing the dice again. Down there, even though you know you're smarter, better trained, and the other poor sucker doesn't stand a chance, there's always luck, complacency, and the unexpected. And the penalty for losing the throw is death."

Celestia was thunderstruck, Cadence horrified, but both Luna and Armor recognized the attraction. How many nightmares have I faced, she wondered, Why are my most difficult battles the memories I treasure? The challenges I long to face again? So, we are not so different, are we, Percy?

Percy continued as he stared at the ceiling, "Two to three times a week, and it became a routine. And it became a thrill. Most times, it was a dumb animal with no more comprehension of what was happening than a plank being nailed to a wall. Then, I had to draw it out. Give his or her death some grace and artistry. So the ponies would yell and scream and part with more bits to see it again."

Cadence looked ill at that, but the others understood. What made it horrible was the simple tone, like discussing the weather, or a mediocre meal, there was no passion in the delivery of these horrors. It was what was. And he no doubt fears could be again so very easily, Luna thought, How much would he be worth, delivered again to the pits? Or to another nation? The Crimson Death, faces the best of the Griffon Lands, or Minotauria, or Zebrica, or Stalliongrad, or Neighpon. How many bits would that be worth? To whom would it be worth those bits? The nobility? The sovereigns themselves? A cabal of ponies, griffons, dragons and others? And how many eyes would such wealth blind from the performance of their duties? From loyalty to their princess? Or would the desire to 'keep the filthy ape's hands off her' be sufficient inducement?

"Sometimes," Percy explained, as if describing a picture and the technique for painting it, "The fighter showed a glimmer of talent. I had to draw it out, let them fight hard enough that the crowd would demand they live. Then for a while, I taught them all the tricks they could absorb, so they'd live a little longer. By being good fighters, or by being entertaining to the ponies. None but me ever went to the Warmasters. None ever made it through the guards' cullings. None ever became famous or clever enough to live."

Theatricality indeed, Luna thought, The performance is what drew him, draws him still. All this is performance. Theater for the ponies. Just enough carefully measured truth to shock, yet not overwhelm the receiver, so it slips past the greatest defense and saturates the targets.

Luna steadied herself. Well played, well played, she thought.

"And occasionally, it was something that knew more than 'the pointy bit goes in the other man'. Against those, I threw out any honor or theater, because that was someone who was there willingly. Then, I shattered their pride, and I killed. Quickly."

Cadence was cuddling in Armor's embrace, weeping softly. Celestia had her eyes tightly closed and looked as if she were facing a storm within herself. Luna sympathized, but in her, curiosity burned as fiercely as Cadence's horror or Celestia's division.

"There was always the temptation to draw it out, to make them suffer, because they understood suffering. They planned on the suffering. They just never thought it would be theirs," Percy said. He paused, again drawing the ponies in, "They could understand they were at my mercy, and I could do to them, whatever I wanted, and whatever the crowd demanded. Whatever they had planned to do to me."

The gentleness of his tone and expression vanished. He sat back, his expression hard and hate-filled. He delivered the next daring any of the ponies to challenge, "But I ignored the crowd. I ignored the ponies and griffons, and whatever else screaming at me to make something bleed and cry and scream for their amusement." He pounded the table, making them jump. His expression was ugly and confrontational, not just from the anger boiling within, but his view of the world contending with theirs. "Because I am NOT a pony. Because if I fell into that trap, I would be exactly what they thought I was. A dumb animal with no brains, just bloodlust."

He ticked off the rest as if from a list. "If it was a pony, I hurt it and convinced it to try to escape. If it was a minotaur, I killed it with the first blow I could. If it was a griffon, I tried to make it escape, then dispatched it instantly if it refused. Zebras and mules, I knocked unconscious. Bulls were like griffons, some realized and tried to run away, others wouldn't and they died."

His stare was defiant, demanding they either submit, or engage.

But he overplayed it, Luna thought as she turned away from that gaze, as much shame as horror, None of us will deny what some ponies are, but to protect those he cares for, he must live in that world. Where all must prove themselves not a threat, rather than being granted the slightest benefit of the doubt. Guilty until proved Innocent. I am glad that he looks out for us, but I am shamed that such an outlook is even necessary in Equestria.

"Please, ask no more questions you aren't ready for the answers to. All that information I provided should have warned you that I was intimately familiar with all aspects of the darkest elements of the human trade," he said, a plea rather than a provocation, "Unless you count the selling of the underaged to ponies."

Armor moved fast to prevent Cadence from disgorging all over the floor. The last was the most horrifying aspect of pony-human relations. The joke was all humans needed was a hole a rod and two heartbeats and they'd couple with anything. But some desire to overcome 'resistance' or to see horror and pain on their partner's face, Luna thought, Difficult to train a human to fake that, so those who would be illegal if ponies were sold for that purpose. Then abandoned when they grew up. The window of usefulness was brief, so they were heavily used, and then discarded. She was as revolted as Cadence was, but she had known about it, so this was a reminder, not a revelation.

Percy stroked Cadence and spoke softly to her. Luna concentrated on her own thoughts, It does not ring true. Why would he so disdain ponies and our ways, yet risk so much to protect them? He did afflict Nightmare Moon with uncertainty and distraction, knowing full well what she would do to him? Or had he surmised who was Nightmare Moon?

"Didst thy fortitude in the face of Nightmare Moon stem from thy callousness towards death, or thy desire for it?" Luna asked, "Or that thou surmised that naught could she accomplish, beside what thou had already withstood?"

Percy looked up, but kept gently stroking Cadence. "The latter, majesty." He frowned at the admission. "It might be my arrogance, but I honestly didn't think she'd harm me. I was trivial. It was Cadence she would have struck at."

Cadence raised her head and stroked Percy with her wing.

Celestia raised an eyebrow and seemed as close to laughter as the grim discussion allowed. "Arrogant by assuming yourself trivial?"

He had not shied from Cadence's attention. "Arrogant in that I could fool someone into thinking I'm trivial even as I'm neutralizing her."

Luna felt vindicated. "So thou afflicted her with intent! Thy ministrations addled her so, We nearly overcame her before the Elements swept her from the world!"

Armor gave Percy a half-smile. "That's two Twilie owes you. She described what sounded to me like a guards' training and trust exercise. Not an attack plan."

Luna rolled her eyes. "Not all was Percy's doing." She added, "It is good Our debt is somewhat lessened."

Shining Armor said, "It don't think we can tell her that."

Luna nodded and smiled.

Celestia fluttered her wings, trying to shake off the miasma of doom Percy had woven over all of them. "I think our sense of place has taken a sufficient beating for the moment." She looked at Percy with ill-disguised pity, as if she wanted to cuddle him to herself and never let him go. She tried to lighten the mood, "If you told Nightmare Moon all of that, I think she would have been too conflicted to do anything." She glanced at Luna.

Luna smiled and nodded, leaning over to nuzzle Percy. But he seemed in an odd way, prickly. I recognize that, Luna thought, You despise yourself, but turn it outward to rage at everything else. Later I should think.

Luna added to further lighten things, "There is another I do wish to see Percy duel: Sombra."

Celestia snorted, and though Armor and Cadence looked wary, Percy began to look thoughtful.

Celestia raised an eyebrow to Luna about that. "I'm afraid King Sombra would drown himself in tears of joy that ponies had 'evolved'." Celestia took on a regal tone and mein, as if granting a Royal Commission. "Percy, you have Our permission to kill King Sombra on sight. If you can."

Percy nodded absent-mindedly, already focused on this new threat, and somehow much more at peace with himself for it.

Shining Armor and Cadence knew they were dismissed. When Percy moved to follow them, Celestial and Luna blocked him. He seemed uneager to follow his 'owners'. He sensed their unease.

Celestia started to nuzzle him, then stopped. "I apologize for the questioning," she said instead.

He looked at her, and seemed careworn, as Celestia sometimes did after a long and grueling session at court. "I apologize for the answers, but you asked, and I thought you needed to know." He looked away from both of them. "I also wanted you to know I was a good person, once."

Luna used her wing to turn his chin to face them again. "Thoust remain a good person." She smiled and nodded to Celestia. "Thy rage didst never create such a thing as Nightmare Moon."

He still looked ashamed and glanced between the Diarchs. "With respect your Highnesses, I am worse: I can become Nightmare on command, and then put it away. When, I don't need it anymore."

And yet you have put it at the service of others, Luna thought, and watched the same thought play across Celestia's face, Nightmare Moon cared only for herself.

"Nightmare Moon needed vast magical powers. I needed a light switch and four rolls of toilet paper."

"And a fire poker," Celestia added with an approving grin.

That is a tale I want related to me, she thought and stared at Celestia until she caught the slight nod.

Cadence watched Percy arrive back in the apartment. She rushed over to him. Nuzzled and hugged him, and he simply stood there like an ordinary human with something they didn't understand.

"We shouldn't have done that," she said, "You aren't comfortable saying those things, even to pon - people who love you."

"You wanted to know, it was important I tell you," he said, "I think I really need a bath."

"Okay," Cadence said and led the way, she turned back when she realized that Percy wasn't following. "What's wrong?"

" 'Mrs. Robinson, are you trying to seduce me?'" he asked.

Cadence chuckled. "No," she said, "Just, I want to show that not all ponies are monsters. You say it, but you don't really believe it. And I like watching you relax and enjoy yourself."

He shrugged and followed her into the bathroom.

The girl had crept along the night-darkened, palace corridors unseen. Sometimes she used the shadows along the ceilings, sometime she slipped from shadow to shadow in the many tunnels that honeycombed the palace. Mostly she took the expression of the other human servants who walked through the night on their master's tasks. All of this made her better than invisible. Ponies would see her, and put her out of their minds.

But she could not afford such complacency. Rumor abounded about things, strange things, that lived in and around the palace. While she loved her mother, her curiosity dragged her forward. She was at heart a hunter, a predator, no pony but the most highly trained, formidably armored or a magical prodigy would match her. Despite that, she wanted none to see her as she scouted, lest their curiosity take their attention where she'd rather it not fall. Especially on her mother, who deserved a bit of peace after all that had happened.

She froze as she saw the figure untroubled by the darkness or the lateness of the hour. A girl, not too unlike herself, but a stealthy predator all the same. She was instantly struck that their missions might actually be parallel, that the guardian of what she sought stood before her while searching out the truth of rumors, and vice versa.

The new girl stared at her for a time, her head cocking from one side to the other, as if seeking a better perspective. She straightened up as she came to a decision. Her appearance as a young, human girl disappeared, and she was revealed as what she was.

The first test passed, she was surprised, but hardly terrified as a pony might be. The other motioned to her, as if seeing through to the truth of things. The first sighed softly, and did the same, releasing her seeming so this other could see her as she truly was.

One alien, non-pony looked at the other. Neither feared, but both were cautious. And both saw the caution in the other. They could do business, as long as it did not touch who they guarded.

She felt a pressure, as if the other were searching her being for something. But at the same time, the other was transmitting something of her own.

She shuddered in shock as the contact was broken, and her counterpart seemed as shaken as she. She resumed the seeming of a human and smiled, something humans were supposedly incapable of.

The other smiled back, indicating what she guarded, and what she sought. The girl nodded, they could do business. But to leap to the treasure without revealing their own would be a bad show of faith. Both understood this, and both could be patient, within reason.

She resumed her 'native human' disguise and stared. So, you have something I want, and you want something I have. And neither of us trusts the other enough to bring our charge in close without assurances, she thought.

The other gestured to herself and her counterpart, and then to the high bell tower that was all but abandoned at night.

'I think we can work through this impasse' she considered the others gestures, 'But we will have to trust each other.' Odd that the ponies talk a good game of 'tolerate' yet we must be such zealous defenders of whom we care for. They proceeded to the tower, but found it occupied, and gestured they would meet the following night. And they parted.

The girl slipped through the small hatchway that was the servants' entrance. It was among the quietest doors in the compound, and served her purpose well. The other humans paid her little mind as she sought the most secure place.

The woman dozed fitfully. She could feel the nightmares waging their silent war within her. She will not worry that I break in, the girl thought as she approached.

"Mutti," she said, "Mutti," she said again and again until she'd pried the woman free of the nightmares. When the woman looked at her, she smiled and the woman smiled.

"Danke." Then the woman grew alarmed at the girl's serious expression.

"Mutti," the girl said, "Ich ein Berliner. Ich ein Berliner."

The woman covered her mouth before she could cry out. A moment later the woman gathered her in her arms and cried happy tears. None but the two of them would know the real meaning. They could tell a curious pony it meant 'I am a jelly doughnut' and the pony would laugh and the matter would drop, but the real meaning was 'I am one with the people of Berlin', only one kind of creature could claim that, one they had hoped for, for so long.

Discord finished the display of 'The Breaking of the Elements of Harmony' to the audience, fitting for an audience chamber, and while there was no applause, none of the ponies moved. In fact they were glued to their seats, he'd done the gluing personally with Celestia and Luna.

"So, too jejune an ingenue to send against a crafty old devil like me?" Discord said as they watched a brokenhearted Sparkle head off towards the library.

"There are others," Celestia said, "You will be defeated."

"Oh please," Discord said, "Name one person who could match my flair, my showmanship, my incredible sense of style, and my impeccable timing."

A pink, horseless carriage pushed open the doors to the throne room and entered.

"Thou werest declaiming?" Luna asked and both sisters laughed at Discord.

The irritated Draconequus concentrated on the new comers.

The useless, white unicorn he recognized, the pink Cadencelac, and the white Shining Armor, but not the human wearing it.

"Stay here, Armor and I will handle this," the human said.

Discord looked at the Pony Sisters. Both shrugged to the limit of their ability.

"Ask and you shall receive," Celestia said as the frightened murmurs passed through the assembled ponies.

Miffed, Discord rolled up his 'sleeves', leaving his hands hanging in midair. He started down the throne dias steps towards the interloper, the scene-stealer, the soon to be grease spot on the floor.

The voice was powerful and the delivery professional. "Yes, I can talk." It glared at the surrounding ponies, parting the path between itself and Discord. "And I bet you're all expecting me to go into a big pronouncement about the treatment of humans by you ponies."

A talking human, going to give the ponies what for!? Discord thought as he conjured a parchment to take notes, I can tolerate a clever understudy, for one performance. I'm bigger than that. His height doubled.

"How the very ones who preach love and tolerance, regularly castrate and sterilize, beat, imprison and blind the ones who can barely raise a hand against you."

Oh, this boy goes right for the jugular, I like him! Discord thought, But where did he come from?

"To decry your throwing me and hundred to thousands of others over the years, decades and centuries, into a pit day after day after day and expect me to make whatever other unfortunate you threw in afterwards scream and cry and beg for mercy while you all stood above it, aloof and cruel and congratulating yourself on your superiority."

Ooo, let'em have it! Let'em have it! This is going to be monumental, epic, Picardian even! Discord thought, quill at the ready.

"Well, I won't."

Discord's smile vanished so fast it took his mouth with it. "Oh come on!" Discord shouted through Celestia's mouth which he'd borrowed. Both Pony sisters' snickering at him didn't help his disposition. "I gave him the spotlight and he blows it," Discord said on returning Celestia's mouth and recreating his own.

"Thou wouldst not comprehend subtly if it chewed off thy tail to the root," Luna said, and snickered.

Discord was about to retort, when the human continued.

"Is he talking about the ponies I wonder?" Celestia asked.

Discord frowned, but listened. Begrudgingly taking notes as the upstart picked up the spare.

"You do as much of it as you can get away with to each other, why should people who can't hit back expect any better? None of you are worth my time."

Discord briefly considered having Celestia traipse through with a title card 'The Main Event' but decided against it. He put on his most serious face, found it didn't fit well, and switched back to his regular face. He marched down the stairs, his nonexistent spurs jingling.

"You, however, I am going to politely request you restore Shining Armor, Princess Cadence, Princess Celestia, and Princess Luna to status quo ante, if you would be so kind." It was clear he had no sense of humor. Then Discord jingled back up the steps and behind Celestia. The Solar Diarch giggling at that only infuriated Discord.

But I'm going to get the last laugh, he thought, So giggle away. If not this one, then the next.

"Nope," Discord said in his best 'lonesome cowpoke'.

The creature's expression doesn't falter. This guy brings new meaning to the word 'grim', Discord thought.

"Would you please explain why?" He remained infuriatingly polite and unaffected, despite having looked closely at what Discord had done to the former rulers of Equestria. Then he shifted the axe, and began looking for another place to put it. Worst, he acted like that would matter, and the two princesses thought it was funny.

Discord decided to educate the chump. "I am the font of eternal and endless chaos." The ignorant chump still wasn't impressed.

"So you did all of this?" he asked.

Discord considered turning this guy into a knuckledragger so everypony could see how dumb he was. "Of course."

"Because you wanted it to happen?" he asked, and stared at Discord, a faint smirk as if he were actually making points.

Give him a chance, he's slow, Discord thought.

"Exactemende." He waited patiently for the next pearl of wisdom from Shining Axe's ventriloquist dummy.

"Intent driving action, cause following effect, that's the basis of order, so how are you associated with Chaos?" he asked.

Discord raised his hand and began to explain the indisputable logic of the situation, then he realized knuckledragger had a point. His hand dropped a bit. A very good point. A bell chimed and Discord shattered as he realized what he'd done.

He reformed and shouted, "Blasphemy!"

The knuckledragger seemed unimpressed. "Blasphemy, moi?"

"That's my line!" Discord shouted and prepared to explain things properly.

"Well, there is one chaotic thing you did." The moron managed to say the one thing that might have kept him from becoming a germanium geranium.

"Just one?" Discord said, snap at the ready. "If this is a waste of my time."

"Just one," the knuckledragger said, "Me."

Discord started to laugh in his face, prior to reducing him to muffins to feed to the crowd. Then he really looked at the creature. Understanding it led to a revelation. If the ponies only knew, he thought, Yay, I'll tell them, after they think they're safe. He hid his grin in his pocket as he considered what this creature would mean to Equestria and Celestia especially.

The knuckledragger started to advance, but Discord didn't want to damage him too much.

"You didn't expect me, you didn't intend me, so you have no idea what to do with me, do you?" the knuckledragger asked.

Oh, I know exactly what to do with you, Discord thought, It's just a shame I have to be cooped up in stone to get the maximum effect.

"When you changed me, you showed true Chaos, and I am beyond you now. I am eternal, now and forever. So you could change me into wind, or snow, or seven notes of music, and you would spend the rest of your life wondering when I would reach you. And what I am going to do to you when I do."

Those aren't bad ideas, Discord thought as he felt the raw potential roiling inside this creature. Poor Celestia. You have let your doom in by the front door and taken it to your bosom, but it will carve out your heart, Discord thought as he kept circling, watching the creature that acted like it wasn't a font of misery for the entire Alicorn clan.

"Percy, you can't kill him," Celestia warned him.

Spoilsport, Discord thought.

"Oh, she's trying to protect you, isn't that sweet?" the knuckledragger said, and Discord stared at him and his monumental arrogance with incredulity.

Does he have no idea what he's facing, Discord thought as he struggled not to laugh, Oh no wonder Celly is so drawn to him. The brave, doomed knight. How she'll pine and suffer, it might even drive her into 'Atrocity Sun' territory. This is almost too good. But I'd better end this before he does something rash and ruins the game.

"But you see, you hurt the people I care about. Protect you, no one can." He gave Discord a flat stare.

Oh you have not the faintest clue what I am going to do to you, ha! Discord thought, Nothing, that's what! You're the perfect revenge on Celly. Just as you are. Much as it pains me to admit that I cannot improve you.

"You can't outrun me. You can't destroy me. If you damage me, the essence of what I am remains. I will regenerate and keep coming."

Discord fumed as the knuckledragger stole his favorite line.

"Eventually you will weaken, your reserves will be gone, I am relentless."

Does he have to deliver it better than me? Discord wondered as he stood in midair and stomped his feet. Time to end this farce, Discord thought as undid what he'd done to knuckledragger and his widdle famiwy. The knuckledragger sends the white knightmare off to deal with boring and pink. The two former rulers stretch their legs and Celestia corrals the knuckledragger.

Nothing happened to him, Discord thought in alarm.

"Percy, he has restored your family. I do not wish you to destroy him. He might one day be redeemed," Celestia told him as he held him, as if she were protecting Discord from the knuckledragger.

"Redeemed, I?" Discord growled. He glared at the Solar Diarch "Celestia you forget yourself."

Celestia glared back. "He is restrained by my wings and word." She nuzzled the knuckledragger.

"I'm inclined to let him go." The knuckledragger dared to look at Discord with pity. "In many ways, he's no worse than the ponies down there."

Discord's fury nearly made him break a toy. "THEM'S FIGHTIN' WOIDS!" Discord shouted.

The knuckledragger smirked at him. At him!

"Oh really, and you can do better than them?" He gestured to the ponies surrounding them on the throne room floor "Ha."

If you weren't worth all the misery you're going to cause, Discord growled internally.

"Look at her," the knuckledragger gestured at Celestia.

Discord nearly hurled as he saw the love passing between the two. All the better to hurt you with, my dear, Discord thought.

"All you and them see is a thousand-year-old sovereign. She's a youthful woman, the age and attitude of a young mother. You so desperately want to hurt her to get her attention? You don't have the first clue about how to hurt her, or how to get attention you would want."

Oh I know how, I broke her last, sparkly toy, but that didn't break her spirit, because I didn't know she had a new, shiny toy, Discord thought, That one will break her for sure, and only poor widdle Woona to pick up the pieces, and I can shatter her any time I want.

"Percy," Celestia said.

It has a name? Discord was shocked, She's already named it?

He turned in Celestia's feathery embrace. "He doesn't actually want to hurt you. He wants your attention. Like a naughty child wants his mommy's love."

For the first time, Discord felt the glurge achieving gorge-rising levels.

"I think I'm going to be sick," Luna said.

Discord agreed.

"Then look at that pompous windbag trying to hide in the Ficus bush, she's the chamberlain. She controls the schedule and who meets with her, and who doesn't. She rings her round and round with protocols and fancies, to 'retain her majesty.' Celestia needs none of that. She carries her majesty with her like a shroud. She does it for herself, to impress her power on everyone around her, and to gain some little fulfillment for forcing mighty Celestia to bow to her trifling wishes." The knuckledragger acted like he had an answer that Discord didn't. "How do you differ, how are you more malevolent than that arrogant mayfly stealing joy day by day from someone too gentle to strike them down and start over?"

Because I do it with art and mastery, Discord wanted to shout at him, She does it by accident. Hmm, I need another of these, just not one so mouthy.

"Do you honestly think if Celestia turned to Shining Armor tomorrow and told him to put them all to the sword, they wouldn't all deserve it?"

Now that I hadn't considered, Discord admitted to himself, Having holy Celestia slay all her ponies. That would be something to watch. Well, I'm not stealing the idea, his approach is puerile and oafish, mine will be exquisite and become legend. Destroying any pony hope of a savor not turning into a monster.

"And the lies they spread about her fearsome punishments. Yet when trouble arrives, they flock to her like frightened children. Even knowing you were here inside the room, they ran in, not out." The knuckledragger smiled at him. "And when you feared, you placed her as your bulwark against me. You depended on, relied on, maybe even prayed for a love you have done precisely nothing to deserve. And it saved you, she saved you, and you are still unworthy. How are you different from them?"

Proof he has no idea what he's talking about. Time to return him to the unspeaking ape, Discord thought and snapped his fingers.

Nothing happened.

That should have undone what I did, it always works. Are you being protected by another chaos entity? Discord wondered as he tested his power on himself. Everything worked fine. Okay, someone is playing in MY sandbox.

"I already told you, since you don't know what you did to create me, you don't know the counter to return me to status quo ante." The knuckledragger snapped his fingers at Discord. He expected the other to reveal itself, but nothing happened. "Princess Celestia has demanded your life. I will honor the request of one of the few in this whole world who has treated me decently. Should you trouble her further, she needs only revoke her request, and, you, are, mine. I have a lifetime of cruelties taught by experts, and would dearly love to see you experience each and every one."

Oh I can play the deep game too, whoever you are, Discord thought and decided on his plan. He looked at Celestia, who shrugged back.

I'll do nothing of the sort! Discord thought and was aghast that anyone would suggest such a thing.

"No? Well then I have no time for you either. In deference to your wishes, I depart, I doubt I can restrain myself much longer."

I hate looking like I lost, but it'll make my playmate come out and show itself. I can let him destroy Celestia, and laugh at her when I get loose again, Discord thought and whispered to Celestia.

"I can't fix Sparkle, but if you send her all the Friendship Reports, that should undo what I did. Then the Elements will turn everything back the way it was," he said.

And we'll see if the Friendship Beam affects our little friend over there, he thought as the knuckledragger marched out of the throne room like a king.

"Afraid?" Celestia asked. Celestia turned to Discord. "I expected you to take some revenge for having usurped the spotlight."

The light illuminated Discord. "Oh, I don't step on raw talent like that," he turned and smiled at Celestia, "After all, you so desperately want to save him. When he flies to pieces and the broken, harrowed bits run through your hooves, you'll torture yourself for a thousand years wondering how you could have failed him so completely. The answer will be simple, even your love will never be enough. Much as you think it will, and you'll never admit it to yourself," Discord told the horrified pony princesses, "And you know what, he was right about your ponies, they are the same malicious monsters I came to know and love before you and Luna spoiled the fun. Most of what I did, they asked to be done to others. I just did it to them too. And I enjoyed it."

"That's not true," Celestia said.

"Your ponies will remember the insult he gave them, and they will pay him back a thousandfold, and he knows there's nothing you can do to stop it. That's what I so enjoy about this drama. He loves you, you love him, and he knows you'll throw him under the train in a second, for your precious ponies. Think about that, he loves you and knows you will eventually tear his heart out with your teeth, when the crowd demands it. And he still stays with you, to give you a few moments of joy before they bend you to their will and make you kill him. And the sad thing is, they know it too and know they can do whatever they want as long as no one catches them. You can't be everywhere, and you can't see everything, Celestia. In the end, his messy death will be on their demand, but at your hooves."

Discord vanished, leaving a badly shaken Celestia.

He missed about a dozen of the ponies getting very grim and determined expressions among the sea of horrified or relieved faces. Most caught the expressions on one or two around them, and scanned the crowd. As they assessed their numbers, they acknowledged each other 'not while I'm here' they told themselves. And they had the power to do it.

12) Celestia's Nightmare Night

I Am Not Spartacus - Celestia's Nightmare Night
by Dan's Comments
Based in the 'Your Human and You' universe by MadMaxtheBlack
This story is NOT canon with Your Human and You

DISCLAIMER: My Little Pony is the property of Hasbro, Inc.

The beds in this place are getting distinctly more weird. These are talking, or rather quietly arguing.

"It's fun."

"It is demeaning."

"Because it confuses you?"

"Because it is demeaning."

I let my mind analyze before I 'awaken'. If it isn't going to kill you, and especially if two females are 'discussing' ever so politely, take advantage of the illusion of sleep to get the gist of the conversation, because the instant you are awake, they'll want you to take sides.

"Good morning, is what's-his-face dead?" I ask as I look around. Little Blue is acting as my bolster and blushes as I acknowledge the position. Pink is snuggled up behind me. Both have wings draped over me. If my next words didn't run the risk of alienating one or both of them, it would be a very comfortable arrangement. I'm in the Great White's bedroom. At another time I might be curious, right now I'm content to find out later. Probably convenient to analyze whatever what's-his-face did to me, and contain it.

"Her Highness is being pig-headed," Pink tells me as she hugs and nuzzles me.

"You're both 'her highnesses' and besides, I'm not answering anybody until I get the answer to my question," I tell them.

Both are strangely silent. A lot of nervous looks at me, and ever more insistent 'you tell him' looks at each other. Finally, Pink says, "Discord is again trapped in stone. No longer a threat."

"Okay, then why are you being stubborn?" I ask.

Pink bites me for my troubles.

"I say she should go out for Nightmare Night," Pink tells me, "And she . . . ."

"Thinks it's demeaning," Little Blue replies.

"You're both right," I tell them.

Always ruthlessly take advantage of confusion. "What were you and Luna arguing about?" I ask.

"Nightmare Night," Pink blurts out, "What's the appropriate costume?"

"For Princess Luna, Nightmare Moon of course," I tell her and yawn as I snuggle against Little Blue.

"What?" they shout together.

"Sure. It was originally invented to break the cult of Nightmare Moon, by making her a laughing stock. What better costume that Nightmare Moroon?"

There is a long and deeply horrified silence among the alicorns.

"What was your idea again?" Little Blue asks Pink.

The two let me rest undisturbed for a while longer while they whisper to each other.

Somebody hit me, I think as I wake from a peaceful sleep. With the arrival of the Bearers of the Elements of Harmony for their beatification, Pink's apartment had become 'party central'. I'd arranged for Armor and Pink to occasionally get some sleep in Little Blue's servants' quarters. Since she doesn't have servants to use them. I think if the Great White used her magic to clean her place the way Little Blue does, it would spark a palace revolution. That left no place for Percy to lay his head, except I know of a storeroom. I don't know what they stored in here, unless it was neck braces to diplodici, or it was a place to have a private conversation with a full-grown dragon. It had 12' x 8' floor space, and was 60 feet to the ceiling. At the fifty-foot mark is an 8' x 6' platform with a foot-tall railing. Getting some bedding up there meant a long climb up a ladder, but in the three days of constant parties, no one came in here.

Until now. I hate 'until now', it's always unpleasant. Why couldn't 'until now' be a lonely the Great White come to snuggle or for sex? Or Discord escaping and deciding to send me home? Or a new land appearing full of ponies who aren't such invidious doofuses? No, 'until now' always is some irritant.

"He doesn't look so tough."

See?

Why are teenagers idiots? I can't even tell if it's a boy or a girl. Turning over after another poke doesn't get me any closer to an answer. But the pegasus mare in the Wonderbolt costume lights off every alarm I have. She gets my look of alarm the second it's on my face, and backs up. The other one doesn't, even gets closer.

"He doesn't look it," says the Wonderbolt, "But he is."

"I've taken on things a lot tougher than him," the rainbow-maned pegasus tells the Wonderbolt. Not looking at me as he/she/it dismisses my danger and presence.

Hey, you LGBTAFLCIO parade float, if I'm not so tough, why are you trying to pick a fight with me? I think the Wonderbolt is actually Spitfire, okay, young male trying to impress a mare? Wonderbolt fanboy/girl? Another hard poke in the arm and I stop caring. The pegasus, a mare I discover, is on the floor of the platform, one of my hands wrapped tight around her throat, the other ready to do violence as appropriate, from tickling her until she pees herself in front of her idol. Or choke her out and toss her to the ground.

"Dashie freeze!" Spitfire calls.

"I can take him," 'Dashie' replies. But her boasts show she doesn't realize I can break her larynx with just a slight shift of my weight. She might escape, but she'd drown in her own blood before she could get help. My free fingers move close to her eye, and she has no leverage to get loose when she realizes her danger.

"Then he'll take you," Spitfire says, disguising her worried tone as a singsong so the human doesn't get it. "He's had a bad time with pegasus mares in Canterlot, and he always does the same to them."

"What?" the edge of her confidence slips as she stares into my placid expression.

"A pegasus mare tried to hurt Princess Cadence and Captain Armor. He jumped out of their bedroom window, the one ten stories up, and skewered her with a poker," Spitfire tells 'Dashie'.

It's like a push in, dolly out, 'Dashie's' eyes get big, but her pupils shrink. "So."

"So, the nurses had to keep her sedated cause she kept screaming that he popped her insides so she couldn't have foals anymore," Spitfire says, "He did it in three seconds flat."

And 'Dashie' finally quits squirming, so I move my hand away from her eye. Her tail slowly curls up to cover her belly, but that's not what it's really trying to protect. It's all I can do not to tug on her tail, as if in 'preparation', but Spitfire is doing a good job.

"Then another pegasus mare gave him an avocado, when Cadence reacted, he thought she was going after Cadence, so he popped her wings, and all four legs," Spitfire has dropped the baby-talk and is honestly sounding worried. "Armor brought him in. They were alone for maybe 30-seconds tops, then he tried to get the guards and medics back in. She was out cold, grinning, and she'd crapped all over the bed."

'Dashie' is lying nearly stock-still, staring up at me with pinpoint pupils. The only sound is 'Dashie's' breathing, and feathers on wood. Her wings are extending slowly, as if of their own accord. I've eased my grip slightly, but I'm still ready.

"So, him and Celestia, no lie?" 'Dashie' asks, her eyes never leave my face. I can feel her pulse racing through my grip.

"No lie," Spitfire says, "So just lie there. Once he realizes you were just teasing, he'll let you go. You fight him, well, it's been nice knowing you. Sick thing is, you'll probably love every second of it."

That's where I recognize this pegasus from, she was at the Grand Galloping Gala, hanging around the Wonderbolts. She's the one who started the 'avalanche' of pillars. I lean close, and she tries to shrink away. I sniff fairly loudly, and get a disgusted expression. Then I toss her off the platform. She scrambles in the air for a second, then gets an expression of righteous indignation. She shadow boxes a bit.

Teenagers.

"What's wrong with me? Huh? What's wrong? Do you think I stink?"

I look at Spitfire and shrug.

"Dashie!" she warns, too late.

I grab the extended hoof, and start tickling the soles of her hoof. Her eyes go wide for a second, before she starts laughing like a mad thing. Spitfire has to hold her up to prevent 'Dashie' from crashing to the ground. I am able to hold one hoof in a single hand and tickle it, so I grab the second flailing hoof with my second and start the same.

"Not the hooves! Not the hooves! Not the hooves!" she squeals.

I've got a good enough grip that when she pulls her hooves in and out to dislodge them, she's the one who moves. Spitfire can't employ her full flight strength with this wildly squirming cargo, so she can't pull her away either. With the advantage of mass, strength and leverage on my side, I shift the way I'm sitting on the platform. Too late, Spitfire cottons to what I'm doing.

"Dashie move your hooves!" she calls

"Trying!" the giggling mare replies.

I use my feet to get one of her rear legs, trapping it against the railing, and tickling the sole of that with my toe. If Dashie was helpless before, she's lost completely now.

After a few minutes of her barely being able to breathe, I release the pegasus, and wave a scolding finger at Spitfire as Dashie hangs limp in her forelegs. Or nearly limp, her wings are at painfully full extension. I'm not the only one to notice this as Spitfire carries her charge out of my reach, then out of the room.

Somepony is going to be teased mercilessly until her dying breath about her defeat at the hands of the Crimson Death.

I don't know what 'Discord' did to me, but I can only rest a short while before feeling the heat building up inside me. There's nothing physically happening, and no magical cause, and supposedly, when he was encased in stone, his tricks were reversed. I'll believe that when I feel it. So while the bulk of the parties elsewhere have wound down, the party in Pink's quarters is going strong.

I seriously think the two pink ponies are trying to see who collapses in exhaustion first. I slip in and find a certain, purple guest of honor passed out behind the couch drooling on a book. How 'Thanos of Equestria' can sleep with the obscene noise that yellow-white mare with the shades is blasting into the room is a mystery. I don't care who's playing, 'sounds to get tinnitus by' aren't music, they're a health hazard. That much bass in that small a room is idiotic even if healing magic is available.

I take 'Thanos' out of the room and into the much quieter corridor, and then into Little Blue's quarters to get her bedded down in the servants' quarters. Thankfully, it is much quieter in here.

She reacts to the quiet by waking slightly. "Thanks Shiny," she said and gives me a kiss on the lips. I'm surprised, but I don't bobble her.

What I do have a problem with is remembering Armor's pet name for Thanos. What is it? What is it? What is it!? "Go to sleep, Twilie," I tell her as Armor would and pull the covers over her and slip out of the room. She's sound asleep before I'm out the door.

Whew! One disaster averted. Not Thanos discovering I can talk, but kissing student and mentor? The way the Great White's mind works, she might decide I have to get transformed into an alicorn and marry Thanos. Talk about a private hell. I like the Great White, Pink and Little Blue because they have a huge sense of play. Armor is on the low end of that, and if what I've heard about his sister is even half way true, she's about as 'fun' as a rock. Play isn't just physical, it shows an intellectual flexibility and spontaneity. You need that for the theater. You can memorize every play, but if you can't improvise past someone flubbing a line, you're useless.

Speaking of improvising, once back out in the corridor, I'm facing Peep and Candyland's Rorschach. Both are looking grim. As grim as ponies can, which is quite a bit.

"You embarrassed Rainbow Dash," Peep tells me, "You're a bad boy."

Oh, she can beat up whomever she wants, and if they stand up for themselves, they're bad. Typical pony thinking.

I don't have time for this. If that other idiot is out here, I should be able to slip Pink out of there and let her get some sleep before the ceremony tomorrow/later this morning. I don't have time for 'Mother May I?' with a pony. I try to step aside, only Peep gets in the way. What is it about pegasi? Wings make you stupid? I look at her, keeping my expression placid, but inside my temper is starting to fray. A couple of days with only cat naps will do that to you.

She glares at me.

That's it.

That's all you can manage? That's all your anger amounts to? How the Hell did you manage to beat What's-his-face? You think I'm supposed to be impressed by you goggling at me? Peep, this is not the meeting I wanted, but if you're going to attack people for defending themselves, I'm going to put a stop to it. If your maguffin is all your power, then too bad you haven't got it with you. I was trained by the Warmasters. You take me on, you bring your A-game and maybe I'll let you live.

She glowers at me. I stand my ground and use a technique I've never even considered using on the Great White or Pink. It's not fair, it's too fun, and it's utterly devastating on ponies. I bow my head, but keep my eyes looking up.

You think you're the tough one, Peep. Well bring it. I thrust out half my lip, while biting the other half. It's difficult to pull off, but 'it's super effective!' Candyland's Rorschach is beginning to tear up, even though she's not even the target. Peep continues to look at me as if that'll have an effect.

I'm not affected. That's your best, that's what you've got? You brought a pee-shooter to an artillery duel kiddo. I clasp my hands before me and keep looking at the glowering pony. I learned this at the Warmasters, after I did it to two of theirs and successfully disarmed them in practice fights. They, of course, improved the technique and taught it back to me. Believe me, making me hesitate to hit an armed pony takes a huge amount of 'puppy-dog eyes'.

If Peep had come alone, she might have had a chance. Candyland's Rorschach bursts into tears, two actual streams of water. "Wah! I'm a bad pony!" she wails as her hair goes straight and she collapses to the floor in sobs. I think three days with little to no sleep has not helped her grip on reality.

Peep makes the mistake of glancing at her friend. When she looks back I've gotten closer, almost in her face. I give her the 'soulful-eyes, slow blink'. She stuffs both hooves in her mouth and her scowl falters. I hit her with it again. You think you can beat me? Now she's tearing up, her eyes wavering, and her frown isn't her displeasure with me.

Go home and train, you cute-fu is weak and lacking! I go for the kill. A little sniffle and a single tear. There's a moaning yellow and pink streak heading away. The other Bearer is still in tears as I head into the apartment. It's quiet. The pony with the shades is packing up her records, and Pink is crashed out on the couch. I pick her up and take her to her bedroom and tuck her in. I don't think I could wake her by sawing her horn off. In a few moments, she sounds like she's trying to do just that. I turn her slightly, blessed silence. Must remember to tell her about that.

Outside, Candyland's Rorschach is still all straight-haired and sniffly. I pick her up and take her to her quarters, which is quite a carry across the castle. I suspect there are going to be all kinds of rumors tomorrow. I couldn't care less. In the Bearers' suite of rooms, I encounter another one, she's the concessionaire from the party. She seems stunned I'd be bringing her friend back and circles me like an excited terrier waiting for a lap or a thrown ball. Once I've got the Candyland's Rorschach bedded down and tucked in, I focus on her. The looks she's giving me are creepy, but in the familiar way a lot of noblemares creep me out. I like snuggling with Little Blue and Pink. I like doing a lot more than snuggling with the Great White, but only when we're the same species. Although most mares, even the Great White, have a disturbing desire to be serviced by humans, and she really gets off when I do it that way. If a massage or tickling gets her off, that's fine too, but coupling with mares or stallions when I'm human, that's still very creepy. And that's what concessionaire is giving me, bedroom eyes.

I squat down so we're at the same height. Her eyes get big and she licks her lips. The way her tail is swishing and her body trembling, I know what she's expecting. I take off her hat, she looks nervous about my handling her hat, and I set it on a nearby table. She relaxes when she understands I just set it aside. Now she looks almost ready to go if I just breathe on her. I start scratching around her ears. Oh boy does she like that. Then I reach down and start scratching where the leg meets the body near the breastbone. She begins slowly air-kicking with the opposite back leg. A slow, gentle bite on her upraised ear has her breathing heavy. Then I put both hands on her cheeks and raise her head. She instinctively puckers, closes her eyes and raises her head for the kiss.

"Applejack," I say. And her eyes fly open as she rears back out of my grip. "Thou tread near a gravest nightmare, return to thy bed and more peaceful slumbers." I put her hat back on her head. "We also have been afflicted with such longings, but he is besotted with Our Sister, and She likewise. After Her long loneliness, cuckolding Her in Her own home, even in dreams, would be the gravest insult."

"Yes'um, thank you yer Highness," she says, and keeps nod-bowing all the way back into her room, "No offense intended ta you or yer sister."

"It is his kindness that likewise won Our Sister's heart," I tell her.

She nods and closes the door behind her. It sounds like she practically threw herself on the bed.

The Great White is marching around and around in a figure-eight pattern. Pink and Little Blue are there, as well as Armor. All three of them look like they'd like to be absolutely anywhere else, even facing Discord again. The Great White is one wrong word away from blowing a gasket. But whether she's going to be furious, or laugh her head off is a toss up.

"We had breakfast with the Bearers this morning," she says as she circles.

Despite the terrible temptation to set her off, I continue standing at attention, not saying or looking at anything except a spot slightly above and to the side of her head.

"The discussions at the breakfast table were both very frank, and quite informative," she says.

Armor glowers a bit, and Pink lets out a bleat of laughter. The Great White stares at both of them. I suspect rushing forward while she's distracted, and giving her the tickling of her life would be wholly inappropriate. Despite the positive effect it would have on all of them.

Her contemptuous expression returns to me. "And you have nothing to say?"

I look straight at her. "No, your Highness," I say without any emotion.

She and the other two alicorns shy at that for some reason. When she steadies, she tells me, "Frankly, you deserve a long spanking."

I briefly consider giving her the 'sad puppy eyes', but decide to hold that back for when I really need it. Instead I just keep staring at the spot slightly above and to the side of her head.

When she realizes I'm not got to respond further, she raises an eyebrow, stares at me for several moments, then gestures with a wing for the others to leave. As soon as we're partially alone, she gives me a lick on the ear. "The spanking will be long, and private. Except for a couple of foolish guards."

Read puritanical. Considering the stories Spitfire related to 'Dashie', I do wonder what the heck my real reputation is.

For some reason, I'm not invited to the ceremony, or the rather dignified celebration afterwards. I wonder if encouraging three days of wakefulness, caused the rather sedate behavior of certain ponies. The Great White, of course, denied everything.

The medical team leaves after giving me a rather thorough examination. I am not happy about some of the tests, especially with Pink, Little Blue and the Great White all watching so intently. I don't mind a bit of good-natured teasing, but the almost unholy fascination with my reaction to ponies sticking things in various orifices goes beyond creepy and straight into Lovecraftian or Japanese Fetish Hentai. Stoicism seems even more amusing than when I do react. Fortunately, the doctor was entirely professional, which made up for the nurse licking her lips and rubbing her back legs together. The two orderlies also seemed extremely uncomfortable. From my presence, the nurse's reaction to me or both, I don't know. With a clean bill of health, despite feeling very dirty, I turn to the world's supply of alicorns.

"I thought you all assured me that what's-his-face and his effects were over, done with and reversed. But I'm still feeling the effects, and I don't have enough knowledge of or faith in his powers for this to be psychosomatic," I tell them.

They all look worried and ashamed, but the Great White speaks first, "Discord, that is the draconequus' name, is able to change the fundamental structure of time, space, matter and energy on a level even Luna and I cannot 'undo'. The Elements of Harmony were able to overcome his power twice, but even they can't kill him, merely encase him in stone," she says, "That you weren't initially affected, but have had a lingering side effect is worrying."

So What's-his-face is a reality warper, but his attack didn't affect me. At least not directly. Is it possible he can only affect this reality? And I'm from, no I'm still in my other reality? Like a little bubble of hyperinflation I take my universe's natural laws with me. Discord's attack merely weakened the boundary, which is why I'm feeling the effects now? That makes no sense. If he's that powerful, and that all-encompassing, why didn't he just cut the strings that are holding my bubble here. What's anchoring me here? Why can't I just snap back and get home?

I look at the three alicorns. Oh yes they could be powerful enough to anchor me here, but did they do it on purpose? If Discord wanted to hurt them, he would have sprung that little chestnut 'you've been holding him here against his will the whole time'. That would hurt them terribly. But what am I supposed to do? Tell them I'm an alien from another reality? I can see that going over well.

I'm suddenly being hugged by all three alicorns.

"May I quote? 'Arggh!' This is why people hate him, he makes them play mind games with themselves," Little Blue explains.

Okay, I will tell them, but after things get a little more stabilized.

"His claim to be the embodiment of Chaos is well founded," the Great White explains as she and the others step back, "He can and has done almost anything. That you somehow survived unfazed and unaltered must have come as a shock."

"I'm pretty chaotic myself. Maybe that shielded me," I offer, but none of them accept that explanation.

"We've prepared a cleansing magic," Pink explained, "It should deal with the taint left by him."

If they suck all the 'bad magic' out of me, does that mean I go home, or that I'm stuck here. Considering that I probably am long since declared dead on Earth and everyone I knew has moved on, not going home isn't that big a deal. Unless I snap back to the exact time I left from, that would make all this as if it didn't happen. Make it all a bad dream. So, nothing happens, I go home to either a random place/time, or I go home to where/when I was taken, or I'm stuck here for the rest of my life. Considering how my life goes, that could be tomorrow.

"I chose the danger," I tell them as I step into the magic circle Little Blue has uncovered, "Hell of a time to ask."

Coruscating energies of the three casters swirl around me in pretty patterns for a while. It is clear the trio are struggling. I want to encourage them, but I don't want to distract them. None of the swirlies or bits of light touch me. Some go into orbit, but none make Percy-fall.

The light show stops and the trio stagger away. I move out and help them sit, or lie down. They are both tired and disoriented from their spellcasting.

"I know now part of your problem, and Discord's," the Great White says, "You aren't there. It may also be how you can do the things to ponies and get away with it. You naturally disappear into the background. Even the magical background. To affect you, we had to concentrate on the area around you."

"But your healers have never had a problem," I tell them.

"My power," Pink says, "When I use it to make you remember the good times that are part of your relationships, it bounces off."

"There's another reason for that," I say, teasing her with my bland statement.

"No, I tested it on you and Celestia once," Pink says, "It affected her, but bounced off you, even through you smiled at her reminiscences."

"It may also have to do with permissions," Little Blue says, "My power is not repelled by him, but until he grants 'permission' to be within his dreams, they are slippery."

"When did you test that theory?" I ask.

Little Blue glanced around and sighed. "To get her aid, in giving my sister the dream you suggested."

"I was there, whispering and unseen, but I was there," I tell them.

"More proof," the Great White says, and hugs Little Blue, "I knew that dream couldn't have been Discord's. So, you and the Lady of the Lake?"

Little Blue nods. "She demanded the right to enter pony dreams, and observe. She like Percy must remain unseen, but with her permission, I was able to enter Percy's and then link it with the others."

The Great White bows, then hugs us both. "Thank you. To run and play with my little ponies is a dream of mine. I thank you all for it."

"And I got stuck as the foalsitter again," Pink says, and pouts.

I start to pout back at her.

"Enough, I'll stop, I give up!" Pink exclaims shaking a hoof, "I don't think Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie will ever get over that encounter."

"Then there was what you did to Applejack, in Our name," Little Blue says, and frowns, "I do not object to the message or method, but am I really so easy to impersonate?"

Pink and the Great White answer, "Thou art."

Little Blue grumbles at that. "Why did you not accost all the Bearers?"

"I never encountered the fashionista, Celestia's student I took to the servants' quarters to rest. And my revenge on her was appropriate," I say, and hurry on before the Great White or Pink can react, "She called me 'Armor', so I called her 'Twilie'. My revenge is absolute and complete."

"How is that revenge?" Pink asks.

"She had a conversation with another species, and only you three know about it," I tell them, then rub my hands and cackle malevolently.

Pink and the Great White begin snickering. Little Blue facehoofs.

"Now I'd like to ask something about those events," I say, "Not that I dislike the decrease in unwanted attention, but who started the rumor that I can detonate mares from the inside?"

There's a moment of shocked 'who me?' from each of the alicorns.

Pink is most believable, "Detonate?" she asks, showing real confusion. Then she understands and turns rather green.

The Great White stares at me with horror. "Inside me?"

Little Blue's snicker brings the other two alicorns' full attention to bear.

"LULU!" the Great White exclaims to the openly laughing Diarch.

"Detonates," Pink says and shivers.

"Ooo! Aah! BOOM!" Little Blue shouts, and makes Pink jump and whimper a bit.

"More like 'pop'," the Great White says, "Why?"

"Neither you nor Percy appreciated the lurid thoughts and associated behaviors, of the 'noblemares' of the court," Little Blue says, and seems to be struggling to keep a serious tone and expression, "So since the Guard had already started the rumors among the criminals, I had my guards spread it to the nobles. Since their spies had to uncover it, they believe it more than if it were announced in court."

"Detonated," Pink says and glances around.

The Great White raises an imperious eyebrow at Little Blue. "What does that say about your sister, who could only be pleased by such a monster?" the Great White asks. Little Blue blanches as she considers the implications of her sister taking such a creature as a lover.

She lets Little Blue off the hook by laughing uproariously. "It does explain the sudden decrease in sly comments from the stallions and ambassadors," she gasps as she laughs.

Little Blue relaxes a bit. Then focuses on me. "You are not offended?"

"When I can terrify any pony with a friendly gesture? What's the harm in that?" I ask.

Little Blue and Pink join in the laughter.

I don't join, but I am rather pleased the number of mares surreptitiously and not waving their cooches in my face has dropped off dramatically. I mentally note it also explains my reticence as a gladiator. I would have been punished for 'hurting' clients. But I do have to worry Little Blue a little.

I put on my best 'thoughtful/innocent' act. "I do wonder about the few who have continued, and those who've joined. Do they want to be popped that way?" I ask.

The three alicorns return to being horrified.

I've been waiting an hour and a half for my 'punishment' for freaking out most of the Bearers before the beatification. The Great White had arrived in her apartments, got a scroll and disappeared as if she'd been shot out of a cannon. I have no idea what could have gotten her so concerned, frightened, worried, and withdrawn. She took the scroll with her when she left. If it were an enemy, old or new, I would think she would have taken Armor, and me, with her. I know it's silly that arguably the most powerful being in Equestria would need a lowly human's help, but I'm worried about her. Besides, I'm not exactly chopped nuts when it comes to fighting. A stab in the guts at a critical time may serve as well as a shiny, new spell.

The guards are watching me like a hawk, although Philomena is as nervous as I am. The phoenix is also a mighty creature in her own right, but she was left behind as well. The two of us had occasionally glanced at each other as we paced in our own ways. Minutes had dragged into an hour, now an hour and a half. No alarms had sounded, no reinforcements had raced out to battle. And yet the Great White had not returned.

I hate this, I think as I watch the guards. I sit down, possibly the last time I'll be able to do that once she's through with me.

The Great White bursts in, and now I focus on that I'm on her bed, in her room. "Every pony out, please," she says. I haven't seen her this shaken up since last Nightmare Night. Philomena glances at the Great White, but stays as the ponies leave.

The guards exchange glances with her, but relent. Her gaze sweeps the 'whisper gallery' and after a few moments she relaxes. I sit up as the Great White sits down, one foreleg on either side of me. She's so close she has to crane her neck a bit to keep from touching me. There's a bit of silence. Stoic doesn't even begin to describe her. There's a volcano inside and it has to come out.

"Quit the invincible act," I tell her as I wrap her in a hug, not incidently putting my arms through her mane. "It's me, remember?"

A striking snake never moved faster. Both wings and forelegs are nearly crushing me against her and her neck is draped over my shoulder. "I raised her like a daughter, she of all ponies should know me," the Great White sobs as her shows her heart breaking, "And she thought I couldn't forgive her for a tiny lapse that wasn't even a mistake!"

I let the Diarch of Equestria cry her heart out, and I decide to plan the most intricate and torturous murder ever recorded in pony history of whoever did this to her.

She suddenly changes to her human form. For an instant I think she's over her tears, and has moved on to a different phase. A moment later I'm horrified to discover I'm right.

While wrestling or play fighting with your lover can be fun, lots of hands and faces in inappropriate places, lots of chances to show what you'd do if you had them helpless. All that goes out the window when you are really fighting them, and double when you're trying to keep them from hurting themselves. At play, the Great White's mane and tail provide plenty of 'rope' to tie her up. Now they are extra, flailing limbs. Keeping her horn away from her body to keep her from cutting, puncturing or even gutting herself is battle in and of itself.

Fortunately, her rage is directed solely at herself and injuries she inflicts on me are incidental. Or she would have cut me to ribbons in the first minutes.

After a very bad period of fighting, I manage to get her face down, her arms pinned behind her back with me lying on top. One leg is looped through her tail and an arm has her mane wound around and around it to keep her from getting inventive with them. They still cut up my arm and leg as they struggle like the rest of her to get loose and do violence to herself.

Finally, she calms down, or at least I fervently hope she has. She's still sniffly, but she seems content to lay her face on her torn to pieces bed pad and cry. Then she shifts back into her alicorn form. If she starts up again, I'm in serious trouble.

She stays calm as she gets to her hooves and turns to face me. I suddenly want to try to hide myself. I know what's coming.

"Oh no! Percy!" she exclaims on seeing the bruises, the abrasions, the many, bleeding scratches and the cuts on my arm and leg. She backs up a pace as I approach her.

"Don't you dare try to take the blame for this," I hiss, aware that the whisper galleries could have been reoccupied, but my secret isn't worth what she's doing to herself. "I could have run away. This, these, are my choice. If you help a friend, or a lover, sometime you are hurt. That's the price of friendship sometimes. So don't you DARE assume this is yours even partly. I could still be in the arena, or I could be dead. That I'm neither is due to you, Armor and Cadence. A few bruises and cuts are a small price to pay for a life."

"Will you at least let me heal them?" she asks, looking guilty and shying nervously from foot to foot.

"Of course, I'm not stupid you know," I tell her and she has smile in her eyes, even if it doesn't reach the rest of her face.

She doesn't touch the wounds with her horn, or cast an overall healing spell. She nuzzles away each injury, every bruise and cut. So when a furious Shining Armor arrives with Milestone and the two guards from my first assignation with the Great White, I'm still battered-looking, and the Great White has streaks of blood staining her muzzle, as if someone had bound her mouth shut with barbed wire, then tore it off.

She nods to Armor, then continues to work on my injuries. The guards take up their positions, but are clearly charmed by the tenderness the Great White is showing.

"Percy helped me deal with a few demons," the Great White explains to Armor who's fairly dancing to demand answers, and then kill something, "It is right and proper to bind up his wounds after such courageous and selfless service."

Armor mouths the word 'inner', and the Great White nods. Armor gives a commanding officer's glare to the three soldiers and withdraws. I almost pity the guards who failed to understand 'clear the room' means 'wait outside the door ready to charge in at the first sign of trouble'.

When she's finished, she has more streaks of blood on her muzzle, and some on her wing tips where she hugged me. She seems calmer, but still deeply hurt. I lie down on the remains of her bed and pat my stomach. She lays down and puts her head on me. I take her crown off and set it aside as I begin scratching her ears with one hand, soon joined by the other. She relaxes as her features lose the tension that had dominated them, her breathing slows as I gently scratch. It's as if I'm digging the pain out of her with my fingernails. I wrap my legs around her as she snuggles against me.

I sometime wonder if I'm getting Stockholm Syndrome. That I'm beginning to 'identity with my captors'. That when I'm with the Great White, Pink or Armor, I'm safe, I won't suffer the abuse I have at the hands/hoofs of most other ponies. Calling them captors is not a fair accusation, as far as I know, I could leave any time I asked to. That it would suddenly leave me completely on my own with naught but my wits and combat power between me and reenslavement, and anywhere a person lacks the right of self-defense, they are not a citizen, but a slave.

That, and I do have the power to influence things. If I had simply left things to unfold as they would have, there would have been an automatic sea-change in Equestrian politics. Little Blue is far more likely to force through a change in laws and come down with both hooves on dissenters. But I can't do that to Pink, or Armor, and especially not to the Great White. They personally have done nothing against me. I'm an outlier in their current system. And while the ponies continue the trend which keeps this atrocity in place, no one can wave a magic wand or shoot a Hitler and make it all go away. They are looking into it, which is an astronomical step more than they were a year ago.

The Great White has slowly nuzzled my shirt up to my armpits and is rubbing her cheek on my chest and making happy, little noises. I have yet to get the courage to ask why critters covered with fur get such a charge out of rubbing on bare skin. The other way I can understand, resting wrapped in soft, warm fur is quite pleasant, but the reverse? Nothing. I suppose I could ask, but I only remember the question when the Great White is in contented cat mode, like now, or satiated pussy mode, at which time sleep wrapping in the enfolding warmth is my primary motivation.

I'm actually glad Milestone and the two guards are here, to watch what really goes on, and be charmed by it. Their expressions are most like those of people watching adorable kittens. Considering some of the rumors swirling around our activities, the idea we sometimes just snuggle should help the Great White's fearsome reputation.

Which leads my thoughts back to the one who did this to her, and what I am going to do about it. You have hurt my friend, of course you know this means war.

Pink and Armor are both very nervous as I reenter the apartment. Having cried herself out, the Great White was asleep in her quarters.

"Now Percy," Pink blurts out, "Twilight didn't mean to hurt Celestia, you have to understand that."

"What did she mean to do?" I ask, the data dump I'd gotten from the Great White showed that Twilight had actually accomplished more chaos and destruction than Nightmare Moon. And hurt her 'beloved mentor' far more than anyone else had in centuries.

"It was a misunderstanding," Pink says.

I manage to start calm and rational, "She accused Celestia of planning to strip her of her powers, authority and respect for failing to submit a fricken' weekly report! There's no bureaucrat that anal in all of Equestria! And the damned thing wasn't even due until the END of this week," I shout at her and Armor. "I dragged Princess Luna into the throne room by the ears, practically tossed her at Celestia's hooves, and got a week in the dungeons when she had every right to kill me on the spot. How is that 'a misunderstanding'? How does a member of another species who only met Her Highness a few months ago, know her temper and character better than a mare Celestia raised from a pup?"

Pink and Armor retreat from my anger.

I calm myself down and give them a threatening whisper, "Now, you're afraid I'll hop a train to Ponyville to do what needs doing," I tell them, "I won't."

I let them relax. "Because one of you is going to go do it," I tell them, "Or the next time is going to be a disaster that even Celestia can't solve."

Armor and Pink look at each other worriedly, neither want to tell Thanos what she did to the Great White. But the prospect that I'll go do it is too daunting to ignore.

I leave, I am too angry to be civil. I also don't tell them I already sent Thanos of Equestria an anonymous letter. 'I know you cheated on that exam. Signed, Eventide's Waterloo'. That will torture the unicorn more than flaying off her skin. Even if it isn't true, she'll be terrified someone thinks it is.

As I stalk the corridors, and most ponies scatter out of my way, I spot Fancy Pants and Blueblood. Neither seems interested in me, nor anything except their conversation. "Can you imagine the apoplexy the chamberlain would have?" Blueblood says, "The servants bringing all their children to meet Celestia, instead of a 'normal' court."

"Oh, she'd love it," Fancy Pants says, "But the chamberlain would hit the roof."

"Can't we strong arm Armor into making it a security scan or something?" Blueblood asks.

"Forge a document," Fancy Pants scoffs, "And you've known the lad how long?"

Blueblood nods. "Although, with the little 'Percy the Talking Human' stunt, we could probably convince the chamberlain it was her idea." They both laugh at the joke. The three maids who are behind them, dusting a statue to within an inch of its life are not laughing. Two are head maids I've never seen dust anything in the year I've been here.

Somebody listened to the talking down I gave to What's-his-face. Congratulations boys, you may just qualify for the human race. Which is a pretty dark commentary on ponydom if being human is an upward struggle.

I leave them and keep walking, I know I shouldn't be hard on them, but it bugs me that thinking about the feelings and desires of others, which should be automatic in a herd creature, gets such short shrift.

The morning dawns, and the Great White looks awful. Little Blue handled raising the sun and the moon yesterday, but she took no joy in it. The Great White is cleaned up, the blood scrubbed off of fur and feathers, the smile is there, but she looks like a person who put on their Sunday-best clothing and manners, to walk to the gallows.

The nobles are missing from the throne room, or most of them are. The guards are there in their usual strength. In her walk towards the stairs to her throne, she slowly begins realizing something is amiss. Especially when she focuses on Blueblood and Fancy Pants having taken the place of her usual herald and chamberlain. She pauses at the foot of the steps. Her spirit seems too dampened to even ask about the changes.

"The petitioners have arrived," Fancy Pants calls out, the traditional call of the herald, implying a request to open the doors to the throne room.

"Let all who seek the wisdom of the Crown enter," Blueblood returns, also traditional. Both of them having heard the same turgid prose everytime they were present for the opening of court.

The Great White had waited at the foot of the steps leading to the throne. Now she approaches the two stallions who seem to have usurped the court's function. But the guards follow the protocol and opened the door.

The stream of petitioners is even less organized that usual. Although the maids, janitors, maintenance workers and off-duty guards keep them vaguely corralled. Children: fillies, colts, foals, and babes in arms/forelegs stream in, a resistless tide aimed right at the Solar Diarch. Many curtsey or bow on seeing her, but some just stare in awe at her.

"Hello my little ponies," she says, radiating a joy I've rarely seen on her face.

A thousand questions descend on her, requests for stories and details about herself. Like a good teacher she keeps them enthralled, providing a better history lesson than most would get in their classes, and within a few minutes she has the name of each and everyone, and uses them with practiced ease.

I glance at the two stallions who are looking absurdly pleased with themselves. Thank you, gentlemen. You've done a greater service than you know. I look around and can't find either Armor or Pink at the court.

Or maybe you do know.

13) Nightmare Night (Part 1)

I Am Not Spartacus - Nightmare Night (Part 1)
by Dan's Comments
Based in the 'Your Human and You' universe by MadMaxtheBlack
This story is NOT canon with Your Human and You
DISCLAIMER: My Little Pony is the property of Hasbro, Inc.

I'm lying atop the Great White, amid the flailing legs, as she lays supine, her wings outstretched. A little like a clown fish amidst an overexcited anemone. Tickling her to near-exhaustion is part of the plan. To say she's feeling frisky after the entire day with all the servants' children is an understatement. It almost brings truth to the horrid jokes about 'Molestia' that I've heard about her 'real' relationship with Twilight Sparkle, Sunset Shimmer, Hootie, Cloud Screamer, Maria-Ann Smith, Sun Twirler, Blow Fish, and a host of other special students she's had over the millennium Luna was gone. Even a few about what Princesses did in the night. I do wonder if Elite Badge will ever look at carrots the same way after Gravel, Luna's guard captain, heard that particular speculation.

Since we arrived in her room, she's restrained herself enough to let me take the initiative, and to please her as much as she wants to be pleased. Her only complaint is the standard one about reciprocity. But if I shoot that ends the evening, and she's got more pent up energy than I've ever seen. After the shocks of the last few days, she deserves a nice, long night. And I intend to give her one. It doesn't hurt that the guards are completely freaking out about it again. If Little Blue is going to spread rumors, I might as well add to the pretense.

"No more, no more, no more," she pleads, then remembers, "Thank you, that's enough for Celly!" She's too tired to even use her mane and tail to fend me off, and after slicing me up, she's reluctant to as well.

I quit tickling, and slide off her before she can focus enough to hug me. She can't even lift her head to track me, so she rolls her head to one side to catch a glimpse. She lies there, breathing heavily, her legs hanging slightly limp in the air. Then her tail confirms where I am. While I can't please her the way a stallion can, I can help her get her rocks off. And nearly exhausting her was part of the plan. Since the last time I did this, she nearly broke my arm.

"Percy is that safe?" she asks as I slip my hand and wrist inside her. Her head rolls back and she lets out a guttural noise that nearly has the guards run me through. Fortunately, its Gray Mane and Brownie, and those two have seen a thing or two between me and Celestia. They still nearly hit the roof. I do wonder what the rumor mill will say.

She lays her head down and lets out a whinny, which shocks the two guards more than her 'chestburster' noise. My arm is trapped. As tired as she is, her muscles still have plenty of strength. I can still move my fingers, so I do. Getting her legs to start jerking in an upside down and stilted version of 'the excited pony dance'.

When she relaxes a bit, I pull my arm nearly out, and wriggle it back in. Again the nearly agonized groan, which shows she's enjoying it. I manage a few in and outs before she whinnies and my arm is trapped again. Then I press in. The fleshy wall that stopped me before seems more flexible, and I can worm my fingers, then my wrist through it. The noises she's making now are between a whinny and a mad giggle as I run my fingers over the inside.

"Percy duck!" she shouts with alarm, and I do as her leg jerks.

It would have missed, but if it had connected, I'd be a stain on the wall. Rather than give her a grateful look, I give her my most malevolent grin. She gasps. My fingers were at about 10 o'clock when the opposite leg kicked. I probe at two o'clock, and her other leg jerks.

"No, no, no, no," she stammers and looks at me with pleading eyes.

Sorry. You need this, and I'm going to give it to you. I don't care if it spoils you for stallions for the next ten thousand years. I rub both the ten and two o'clock spots with my outstretched fingers. The Great White's back legs kick almost randomly in response. She clamps down on my arm almost to the point of pain, but my fingers keep rubbing, stroking, pressing, and the occasional soft scrape with my fingernail.

The Great White sounds like she's trying to whinny and scream like a horse, while being strangled. Her legs keep going, she clamps down occasionally, and her tail wraps around me tightly. Not a strangle but a full body hug. She never raises her head as she twitches and sounds, and I continue until the kicks become feeble.

"Thank you, that's enough for Celly!" she whispers, and I slip my arm out once she relaxes enough for me to do so. I step around her as she rolls to her side. I lay down on her barrel and let her mane and wing gather me in close. She looks relaxed, but exhausted, and I'm rather tired myself.

She kisses me on the lips, slow and soft, and grins weakly. "A little nap, and maybe some snacks before we go again," she tells me, "And I don't mind if you fall asleep after, I'll probably joint you."

I nod and settle in against her. She's soon asleep and I follow after.

"If I'd known you were interested, I'd've filled them when I changed," I hear, and a chuckle.

It's one of those completely off the wall statements that demands consciousness to analyze and assess.

I wake and discover the Great White is in her human form, I'm lying on her chest, suckling one of her breasts and my hand is playing with the nipple of the other. She seems to think it's adorable.

I start to reach down between her legs with my free hand. That's when she picks me up and sets me back down on my back.

"Enough of that," she says, a bit irritated, "I'm ready, even unconscious you managed that. I wanted you awake so I could thank you, but do you know what it's like having an orgasm for an alarm clock? I scared Philomena, and the guards."

I should be frightened, I have never seen her this angry, and she's that angry with me. But she's sitting on my thighs, both hands and her 'Everfree Forest' lavishing very pleasant attention on one part she'd be crushing with her fist if she really were that angry.

"You make me seem ungrateful," she adds as her soft hands stroke up and down, and her hair tickles and brushes rather than crushes and twists. Her mane and tail are also touching, tickling, or attempting to, my arms, my chest, and my legs and feet. So the glower is all for show, or real irritation that I act as source and never let her 'play' back.

The reason for the glower becomes apparent as she slips back and bends low.

No, no, no, no! I want to scream as her soft lips and muscular tongue began doing things even her hands couldn't perform. I know I should just blow, and teach her a lesson, but it's a cruel thing to do.

Mercifully, she stops, or changes her attention to massaging my balls, trying to quell the raging inferno, or at least drop it back below the pain threshold. But then she puts it in her mouth again and the battle begins anew. Just when I can't stand it, she stops and begins to quiet the conflagration. I have no idea what her game is, and game it is.

This time she straddles my hips and lowers herself slowly onto me. She isn't even all the way down when I blow.

She's smirking as I swear I'm pouring all my life and energy through that one hole, it's still wonderful. "Now you know how I keep feeling. Knowing you felt like this, and your partner was utterly satiated, leaves me frustrated," she lectured, then she carefully leaned down while her mane raised me up, "Sometimes the fun is seeing the other person happy."

Like Christmas, the kids want to know what they got, the adults want to see the recipient happy, I think, and she smiles as she sees the recognition on my face.

"I think you've been punished enough, go to sleep," she tells me.

I manage a slight nod before unconsciousness claims me.

The Great White flutters, literally flutters among the dresses and gowns drawn or made in miniature arranged in the 'Sun Room' really a rarely used sitting room. It's barely big enough for me, the Great White and her anxiety. The two guards are trying to disappear into the stone work. As the first Nightmare Night she's officially going to attend, she has received all kinds of offers and free samples.

"But they're all wrong," she says. "And I want to go with Lulu. But everypony expects me to be here."

She looks at me, then the whisper galleries. A moment later, I'm an alicorn.

"I think they not understand. You not 'pretty princess', you slave of Nightmare. And Nightmare, not right in head," I tell her. "And to be in two places at once." I hand her the diagram, I really have to learn to draw.

"Oh," she says as she looks, "This is, this is perfect." She looks at me. "How are you going to arrange this?"

"There are ways, and they set stage for making outfit believable," I tell her, "Maybe I make your costume."

She practically has a light bulb appear over her head. "No, but that is it. And it's perfect."

I've never seen a 'god' receive a religious revelation. It's a scary thing to witness.

Little Blue and Pink are out shopping, with me being the pack mule and, the only one of them who really got a good look at Nightmare. Pink was looking after Armor and Little Blue never really saw her. We've visited several joke shops and a costumer for the teeth and 'armor'. Little Blue isn't sure about the popularity of the costume.

"So how did she look, what was her expression?" Little Blue asks.

I'm a bad boy, because I show one of those 'ethereal O' faces, with my tongue extended a bit. It earns me a double wing whap, but entirely worth it.

"Before you started servicing her," Pink insists, then glances over at the severely blushing Little Blue, "Oh don't be worried that I'm the only one who hasn't 'sampled'. He's been teaching me and Armor some fascinating things." The Alicorn of Love giggles, while the Alicorn of Night blushes right on through purple and indigo and settles on red.

"Oh dear," Pinks says, her hoof covering her mouth, "Have I said something to make you angry?"

While Pink 'cutes', and Little Blue is off to find her wits, I move off to check on a few things Pink is going to need for her costume, and do a little surreptitious shopping for the Great White. Spotting Fancy Pants, also in the costume shop, and alone, I approach. He spots me and smiles. I'd earlier drawn a 'thank you note' for him, I present it with a bit of ceremony. The diagram, I won't ennoble my scribble to call it a drawing, shows Celestia surrounded by little ponies, and a big heart over her. Off to the side, a human figure hugs a monocled unicorn.

He smiles at the rather crude drawing, but accepts it as 'the widow's mite' that it is. He also notes my posture, glances about for a moment, then gestures me forward. I give him a hug and he hugs me back. After a moment we break off.

So there are a few decent ponies in sunny Canterlot. I shudder suddenly, and he shies back. "I apologize for the fright, my little pony," I whisper.

"Your Highness?" he asks and glances around to make certain no one is watching.

"I want to thank you for your gift, it was most refreshing. I think Percy had a present he made for you as well," I say and start checking through the pouch I'm carrying.

"He already gave it to me your Highness. Although I must admit with chagrin that it took his vituperation to inform us of what should have been obvious to anypony with a heart."

"You are not the only ones who did not see," I tell him, "But you are among the few who when they learned, acted, and for that you have my gratitude."

"Ready and eager to serve," he said and caught himself before he bowed, "Pardon the les majesty, Majesty, but . . . how may I be of service?" He put a hoof to his chin. "And if I may be so bold, is he all right?"

"He thinks it's better than, uh, cuddling," I say.

Fancy Pants raises an eyebrow. I raise an eyebrow in the most imperious way. He smiles, content that the human is not being hurt 'carrying' the personage of her Highness.

"Luna will be attending the celebration in Ponyville, with Princess Cadence," I tell him.

That raises an eyebrow, especially the familiar form with the Diarch, and the formal with the lesser princess, but it is how the Great White speaks in private.

"And her Highness will be in Canterlot," Fancy Pants says, putting it together before I have to lay it out, "Officially. Dressed as?"

"Yes, the rumors that I'm going to Ponyville, totally untrue. However," I say and hand over the catalog and brochures with the pages folded and marked, "Since my dear sister has spies everywhere."

He surveys the items, and nearly laughs, a choked, strangled sound. "Delivered to Percy I take it?"

"Yes," I tell him.

He nods. "I shall be as discreet as always. Thank you."

"Thank you," I reply, then shudder again, then I get a big shit-eating grin on my face.

He draws back as I master my expression. "Oh dear, you do enjoy it don't you?" Fancy Pants comments as he nods.

I stare then begin searching through my pouch.

Fancy Pants lays a fore hoof on my arm. "I have them lad, I have them."

I stare at him, then he shows me one of the brochures. I nod and put a finger to my lips to indicate silence.

"I won't say anything if you don't," he assures me.

I nod and wander back to the two, stopping at one stand on the way.

"Where did you wander off to?" Pink asks.

I show her the snaggly teeth appliance I'd picked out.

Pink giggles. "I guarantee, no on will be able to even think about Nightmare Moon without giggling."

Little Blue paws the rug. "One can only hope."

"Oh, you included," Pink assures her.

I give her a hug, so does Pink.

"You need to relax," Armor says as we walk along. The moon is up, and the Night Court is off tonight, the three alicorns, Armor, and I are walking along the night time streets of Canterlot outside the palace proper. Armor leads as he's the only one who knows where we are going. The Great White is in disguise, derby, moustache and boots. She isn't fooling me, and I wonder how the heck is she fooling anyone else.

Once a pony sidled out of an alley, then they got a good look at all the smiling ponies and the grinning human, turned around and ran, straight to a patrol. I don't know what he confessed to, but the sergeant commanding the patrol was impressed. All of us had a little laugh about that.

"I heard Shining Armor use the word 'relax'! The world must be coming to an end!" the Great White says, and all of us chuckle at his expression.

"I am doing this in the service of the Crowns," he says. Even the Mighty Poof can't sound that pompous.

" 'Scratchers'?" Pink asks as we approach, "Isn't that the military tavern?"

Something about the place seems vaguely familiar, I can't get the image of owls with pink eyes out of my head.

"It is a hangout for guards off-duty. The food is okay, it's the ambiance that's the thing. I think the Princesses will like it. I know Percy will, although he may be taking notes half the night."

Now he has the curiosity of the entire group inflamed. I thought the Great White knew everything.

All three alicorns stare at him as we enter. I note the sign near the hostess station, 'Open Mic. Night/Talent Show.' It's all I can do not to grin. Armor catches me looking at the sign and raises an eyebrow.

Okay, you're a lot more than a pretty face, and I'll play along.

We get seated in a booth near enough to easily see the stage. There's a human up there juggling three balls. Polite applause greets his actions. While the others are looking over the menu, I nudge Little Blue and whisper in her ear, although it looks like I'm doing something else. "Why don't you go up there, and read some of your poetry?"

She looks at me in panic. "They're not ready."

"This is a tavern, nobody will care," I whisper in her ear. Her other ear flicks so quickly she may be semaphoring for assistance.

Pink obviously read my expression. "Yes," Pink says, and nearly shoves the Lunar Diarch out of the booth, "Go have fun."

Little Blue desperately looks to the Great White, but she's nose first into the menu. Little Blue gives me the most soft, pleading eyes she can. I give her a taste of my own 'puppy dog eyes' at about 1/100th power, and she realizes her best trick is useless.

I nearly have to drag her to and up on the stage. The crowd is a lot of off-duty guards, some with their families, some still in uniform and a few are not happy with my apparent manhandling of the princess. Once I stop moving after getting her turned, Little Blue is frozen, staring at the crowd.

This is too good an opportunity. I carefully lay my hand between her ears, tickling her just enough that they flick every so often.

"Hello everyone. This is Princess Luna, and I am Percy."

Pink and Armor nearly have to tackle the Great White to keep her from screaming.

"Wave to the crowd your Highness, wave, wave." I wave. My expression is my typically expressionless one.

"Are we going to dance? Dance, dance?" I ask and do a little soft shoe.

There's a few chuckles from the crowd as they 'get' the act. I stop and stare at the paralyzed princess. "If you think I'm going to do the whole act by myself you're out of your little pony mind."

The first of the troopers start laughing. The 'joke' soon spreads. Little Blue is in no condition to contradict anything, and the few hecklers are staring to see if her horn glows or her mouth moves. All they'll see is an occasional ear flick.

"Now I know what you're all thinking, I've thought it myself. Ponies can't talk," I tell them. More laughter. "My doctor has repeatedly assured me it's just my imagination. And she's the chief of the psychiatric department of Canterlot General. So, I'm going to . . . " I glance around and my shoulders slump, again my expression remains my standard deadpan. "Okay, you've got me. Her Highness' stage fright is too much for her, so, I'll be doing my own act. Isn't it always the way? I do all the work. She gets all the credit."

The Great White is horrified, Pink and most of the crowd are just killing themselves laughing.

"Since there are a lot of guards here tonight, a couple of poems. For anyone who says poetry is for wimps and weaklings." A complaint that has made Little Blue a trifle self-conscious about her writing poetry. I start my dramatic reading, with one hand firmly on Little Blue's head.

"I went into a public-'ouse to get a pint o' beer,
The publican 'e up an' sez, "We serve no guardsmares here."
The colts be'ind the bar they laughed an' giggled fit to die,
I outs into the street again an' to myself sez I:

O it's Tommy this, an' Tommy that, an' "Tommy, go away";

But it's "Thank you, Trooper Atkins", when the band begins to play,

The band begins to play, my boys, the band begins to play,

O it's "Thank you, Trooper Atkins", when the band begins to play."

"I went into a theatre as sober as could be,
They gave a drunk civilian room, but 'adn't none for me;
They sent me to the gallery or round the music-'alls,
But when it comes to fightin', Lord! they'll shove me in the stalls!

For it's Tommy this, an' Tommy that, an' "Tommy, wait outside";

But it's "Special train for Atkins" when the trooper's on the tide,

The troopship's on the tide, my boys, the troopship's on the tide,

O it's "Special train for Atkins" when the trooper's on the tide."

"Yes, makin' mock o' uniforms that guard you while you sleep
Is cheaper than them uniforms, an' they're starvation cheap;
An' hustlin' drunken soldiers when they're goin' large a bit
Is five times better business than paradin' in full kit.

Then it's Tommy this, an' Tommy that, an' "Tommy, 'ow's yer soul?"

But it's "Thin red line of 'eroes" when the drums begin to roll,

The drums begin to roll, my boys, the drums begin to roll,

O it's "Thin red line of 'eroes" when the drums begin to roll."

"We aren't no thin red 'eroes, nor we aren't no blackguards too,
But single ones in barricks, most remarkable like you;
An' if sometimes our conduck isn't all your fancy paints,
Why, single ones in barricks don't grow into plaster saints;

While it's Tommy this, an' Tommy that, an' "Tommy, fall be'ind",

But it's "Please to walk in front, sir", when there's trouble in the wind,

There's trouble in the wind, my child, there's trouble in the wind,

O it's "Please to walk in front, sir", when there's trouble in the wind."

"You talk o' better food for us, an' schools, an' fires, an' all:
We'll wait for extry rations if you treat us rational.
Don't mess about the cook-room slops, but prove it to our face
The Widow's Uniform is not the guardpony's disgrace.

For it's Tommy this, an' Tommy that, an' "Chuck him out, the brute!"

But it's "Saviour of 'is country" when the bows begin to shoot;

An' it's Tommy this, an' Tommy that, an' anything you please;

An' Tommy ain't a bloomin' fool -- you bet that Tommy sees!"

There is dead silence. Some of the guards have tears running down their cheeks. All the waiters are staring. It's good to play a part, to mold an alien audience with just a few gestures and the power of my voice.

Then the place erupts in stomping applause so loud I worry they'll bring the building down around our ears. Little Blue actually manages to smile, but is otherwise lockjawed.

Our table has that same reaction. Pink, the Great White, even Armor have tears on their cheeks and are stomp-applauding to beat the band.

I wave for silence, and the entire room goes quiet. "Something for the humans of the guard as well."

"Smokin' my pipe on the mountings, sniffin' the mornin' cool,
I walks in my old brown gaiters along o' my old brown mule,
With seventy darlings be'ind me, an' never a beggar forgets
It's only the pick of the Army that handles their dear little pets -- 'Tss! 'Tss!

For you all love the hu-muns -- the hu-muns they all love you!

So when we call round with a few 'uns, o' course you will know what to do -- hoo! hoo!

Jest send in your Chief an' surrender -- it's worse if you fights or you runs:

You can go where you please, you can skid up the trees, but you don't get away from the 'uns!"
"They sends us along where the roads are, but mostly we goes where they ain't:
We'd climb up the side of a sign-board an' trust to the stick o' the paint:
We've chivied the 'taurs an' the griffons, we've give the diamond dog fits,
For we fancies ourselves at two thousand, we 'uns that march with two bits -- 'Tss! 'Tss!

For you all love the hu-muns . . ."
"If a man doesn't work, why, we drills 'im an' teaches 'im 'ow to behave;
If a beggar can't march, why, we kills 'im an' rattles 'im into 'is grave.
You've got to stand up to our business an' spring without snatchin' or fuss.
D'you say that you sweat on the field runs? Then lass, you must lather with us -- 'Tss! 'Tss!

For you all love the hu-muns . . . "
"The eagles is screamin' around us, the river's a-moanin' below,
We're clear o' the pine an' the oak-scrub, we're out on the rocks an' the snow,
An' the wind is as thin as a whip-lash what carries away to the plains
The rattle an' stamp o' the lead-mules -- the jinglety-jink o' our chains -- 'Tss! 'Tss!

For you all love the hu-muns . . . "
"I've a foot on the Horns o' the Mornin', an' a foot on the edge o' the Pit,
An' a drop into nothin' between them as straight as a beggar can spit:
With the sweat runnin' out o' your shirt-sleeves, an' the sun off the snow in your face,
An' 'arf o' the ponies on drag-ropes to hold the old 'un in their place -- 'Tss! 'Tss!

For you all love the hu-muns . . . "
"Smokin' my pipe on the mountings, sniffin' the mornin' cool,
I climbs in my old brown gaiters along o' my old brown mule.
The monkey can say what our road was -- the wild-goat 'e knows where we passed.
Stand easy, you long-eared old darlin's! Out drag-ropes! With shrapnel! Hold fast -- 'Tss! 'Tss!

For you all love the hu-muns -- the hu-muns they all love you!

So when we take tea with a few 'uns, o' course you will know what to do -- hoo! hoo!

Jest send in your Chief an' surrender -- it's worse if you fights or you runs:

You may hide in the caves, they'll be only your graves, but you can't get away from the 'uns!"

"Damn straight!"

"You tell'em your Highness!" The human handlers call and some hug the human guards and are eagerly hugged back. The applause is easily as thunderous as the first.

I bow and lead Little Blue back to the table. She doesn't need me dragging, she walks on her own. She has a little, confused smile on her face as we walk through the cheering throng.

As we slide into the booth, the Great White glares. "That was supposed to be relaxing?" the Great White accuses Armor and me, "You nearly gave me a heart attack. Luna's so relaxed, you could use her as a sledge hammer."

Armor adopts a stoic expression, nearly as stoic as mine. The Great White growls and settles in. Little Blue takes her seat and keeps the shy, little smile.

The rest of the evening has guards, spouses and older children of guards approach the table and thank Little Blue, for saying what she did. She shyly thanks them for their service and sacrifice, and for appreciating her poems. I get a few hugs from kids too young to understand the ventriloquist bit, and thought I'd said the nice things about their daddy, mommy, or older sibling. I hug them back, and return them to their stunned relatives.

Between the fulsome praise by the people, I do note the attention some of the humans lavish on the ponies. A gentle scratching of the ears or the neck. It's nothing I haven't done with the Great White, but it is interesting to see the differing techniques.

Leaving has all of us a little weary. The Great White keeps staring at Armor and me, shaking her head and snorting. Little Blue walks with one shoulder brushing my hip. She's quiet, thoughtful and I leave her to her thoughts.

We return to the palace in silence. Until we reach the first guards. "Thank you Highness," the guard at the main gate who checks us in says.

Little Blue nods and smiles. The quiet 'thank you's continue all the way to the apartment.

Little Blue and the Great White take their leave, and the rest of us enter Pink's apartment. She immediately throws a couple of pillows at us. "You could have warned me!" she tells us.

Armor and I look at each other and direct our utterly innocent look at Pink.

She bops us with pillows again. "Why do I put up with you two?"

Armor and I look at each other and raise an eyebrow.

"No, no, no!" she calls as a storm of pillows attempts to fend off the tickling fingers and hooves. "No!" she shouts.

The air carriage sitting in the old garage looks like a gothic or heavy metal hearse. Pink looks at it with despair, Little Blue seems very pleased.

"We could polish it, get all the tarnish off the silver," Pink offers.

"It is perfect as it stands. I frankly never liked the silver," Little Blue says admiringly, then clears away a few more spider webs from the nooks and crannies of the carriage. This thing has been here a long time. The tack for several of her thestral guards is being worked over by them. Mostly they're replacing it with new of the same appearance. They keep staring at me, as if they know, or know something I don't.

"So how is your costume?" Little Blue asks Pink. Little Blue's 'Nightmare Moon' costume is so over the top it's ridiculous. The sweeping-upraised collar, the cloak of bats. The shoes are a who's-who of obscure polearm heads. And YE OLDE ROYAL CANTERLOT VOICE OF BROKEN EQUESTRIAN makes her especially ludicrous. She isn't wearing it, not around all the spider webs in this place, but it's in the next room to be fitted.

Pink puts in the snaggly teeth, the eyepatch and the sign around her neck that reads 'Numba Too Mignon'.

"Who is my number one minion?" Little Blue asks.

I sometimes wonder if the Great White waits outside of doors for her entry cues.

"Is Mistress ready to spread darkness and evil over all the little ponies?" the Great White says, and manages to shave off at least 75 IQ points from any estimate you make. She bounces up and down happily. Then she sits on her butt and scratches behind her ear with a hind hoof.

Pink and Little Blue stare aghast at her 'costume'. Specifically, she's dressed as Celestia, if a drunken earth pony took eight minutes to throw a Celestia costume together out of whatever was laying around. Her horn is covered by a tacky, paper-mache thing with bits of colored crepe-paper in it to make it look like someone tried to make it look like a rainbow with fluttery streamers, and utterly failed. The gray chin strap 'holding it on', manages to clash with Celestia's natural colors. Her wings are covered with cardboard covers, which are clearly on backwards, the trailing edge feathers are drawn on the leading edge of the covers. The covers are whitewashed, not painted, and the feather pattern drawn on with crayons, while the white wash was still wet. Her mane is practically a buzzcut, and her tail looks like a bottle brush. Most native humans could do a better Celestia costume with what they had in a dresser, on a three-day bender, basing it on a description written in a language they couldn't read.

I cannot think of the effort necessary to intentionally make her look so awful. No cosplayer in the world would be caught dead in such a dreadfully bad Celestia costume. The 'No. 1 Minion' badge makes Pink's look like it belongs in the Louvre to be worshiped in comparison. It looks like someone tried to cut an ellipse out of cardboard with a meat cleaver, while they weren't looking. The letters are not properly filled in, and the markers used often drew outside the lines of the letters. Crumpled tinfoil edges the whole atrocity and the tinfoil has been both antiqued and sprinkled with at least four different colors of glitter. She's wearing one leg warmer, right front, and one lace-up leather boot, right-rear, and her other hooves are bare.

"You're going to Ponyville looking like that?" Pink asks, then she reaches over and shuts Little Blue's mouth.

"Oh course?" Bizzaro-Celestia says, "Am I a pretty princess?" She turns around to show off the costume from all angles. Then bends her head down to try to scratch again, her leg comes up short.

"Other than the fact poor Twilight will die of heart failure," Pink says, "Nothing I can't think of."

"Good, I must away to the minion-mobile!" Bizzaro-Celestia shouts as she spins around, 540 degrees, and staggers off.

"I think she's going to enjoy this more than you are," Pink tells Little Blue. Who stares in stunned amazement at her sister.

'Nightmare Moon's' air-chariot, a half-dozen outriding pegasus and thestrals, Cadence's chariot and the 'minion-mobile' are on their way to Ponyville. God have mercy on their sanity. Everypony in that town is going to go crazy. The minion-mobile, I have been assured, will cause Shining Armor and I a great deal of serious pain, for the short time Little Blue allows our lives to continue. I am frankly very proud of the job Philomena and I did with the parts Armor brought us. The thing is the tackiest piece of egesta to ever soil the night. The multicolored 'Christmas' lights and multicolored glitter are one thing, the tack that allowed Celestia herself to haul it through the air is another. And the thirty guards that Armor rounded up to actually ride in the thing is the crowning achievement. I'm not sure if these troops are being rewarded or punished, but they were none too happy to discover how many of them were going to be on the air chariot, and even less so who was going to pull it. Considering the arrogant, self-important so-and-so who is nominally in command of the detachment, I think punishment is the correct answer. Once they arrive, Luna's thestrals will take over, so maybe for some it's a reward and others are being punished.

Pink's the one I worry about. I have a feeling that the Great White is going to go all out playing the incompetent, if not brain-damaged, minion. I think Pink's going to hurt herself laughing. Letting Little Blue play the straight mare will also help. She'll get to be the reasonable authority figure, even when playing an over the top villain.

The Great White was absolutely delighted with our efforts on her carriage, and the guards selected, and gave the three of us a knighthood on the spot. Little Blue suggested it be posthumous. Pink looked like she would be joining us, if her laughter or Little Blue's reaction to her laughter was any indication. If there is any chance of Nightmare Moon returning, she'll show her face once, and it won't be ice that kills everypony, it'll be the hilarity.

I return to find Fancy Pant and his companion, Fleur de Lis waiting outside Pink's apartment with the costume. Fancy Pants wears a wizard's hat over his horn, and a cape of various symbols. Fleur has a big wheel strapped to each ankle. I think she's 'dressed' as a roller skate. I never really understood what Fleur does, although I suspect she lives a life Celestia only wishes she could. She has the same slightly impish sense of humor, but none of the crushing responsibilities of Her Highness. To see her there with an alterations kit is a bit of a shock. I let them into the apartment and Fancy Pants unpacks the costume. The way the pair are grinning, they too are enjoying the prank we're playing on the crustiest of the upper crust of Canterlot. Neither in Ponyville, nor in Canterlot, will anyone ever forget this Nightmare Night.

The pair carefully fit the costume. I move as directed. The costume is a very tall, very thin top hat, an opera cape draped over the shoulders and down the back to the waist, and a short sleeved shirt with Celestia's cutie mark on it. My kilt and sandals are my daily wear. Fancy Pant's adds a touch of his own, a name tag reading 'Percy' and in smaller letters, 'Nope, not Celestia'. That almost gets me laughing, especially the serious mien as he affixes it to the costume. Somepony else is having fun. I'm tempted to check the back of the opera cape for a 'kick me' sign, but that's not his style. Once it's fitted, I shudder and then look at it more intently. Nope, no kick me sign.

"I thank you my little ponies, I appreciate this more than you could know," I tell them. I play with the name tag a bit and grin.

Both bow. "Of course, I do say, it will make this a memorable Nightmare Night," Fancy Pants says, "But you've always stayed away."

"Percy reminded me that I stayed away, because it was an insult to my sister's memory. Now that she can join me in the mockery of what took her from me, it is appropriate to celebrate."

"He speaks with you?" Fleur asks as she stares at me, a lot closer than she'd gotten when I was 'Percy'.

"There are spells that allow me to change him into an alicorn. His statement was more simplistic, but I better captured the intent. And there is a certain transfer that occurs when I borrow him like this. The imp likes taking advantage to make the most scurrilous comments at various times."

Fleur grins. "Like what?"

"Suggestions about Prince Blueblood's mother, power tools and a paying audience."

The two laugh. Few if any would fault Blueblood for arranging an 'accident' for the most horrible harridan in Canterlot. There is even speculation they've worked and she's actually some form of regenerating undead.

The knock at the door surprises all of us.

Fleur opens it. For an instant I'm shocked, and even my two guests are surprised. The figure looks like Nightmare Moon, if you threw her through a cartoon wood chipper. Her horn is sheered off almost at the skull, one wing is a little stub, the other is devoid of feathers. Her mane and tail are similarly, patchily denuded. Her jet black coloring, and green eyes tell me who this really is as she theatrically limps in.

"Good Nightmare Night," the Lady of the Lake says, "I beg your pardon, but I'm here to pick up my date."

I give a slight bow. "Milady, I'm glad you could attend."

"Your missive did say 'When the barrier between worlds grows thin and unnatural things slip across. Dress up in scary costumes to frighten them back over the line until All-Hallows Day restores the boundaries for another year'. I decided this was appropriate," she says.

"Fancy Pants, your Ladyship," Fancy Pants says and bows, "Beg pardon, but I didn't catch your name."

"I am the Lady of the Lake, a very old acquaintance of Princess Luna," she says 'very old' with a bit of mirth. "It is our custom to keep our identities hidden, until the unmasking at dawn. When we cease to be the fear makers and return to our normal lives."

"Of course," Fancy Pants says, "I've never heard of that custom." The four of us head out to the party as a group.

"It predates the arrival of ponies in this land. It was originally a human custom," the Lady says.

"They had, such festivals?" Fancy Pants asks. Fleur cowers against him.

"And cities and towns and weapons of vast power, all buried awaiting the day," she says. Then laughs. "You should see yourselves."

They both laugh. "Nightmare Night is for safe scares," Fancy Pants admits, "And you have done expertly."

"I think you'll be even more impressed by the unmasking," I tell them, and enjoy the laughter.

The next few hours are spent mingling. Of course everyone guesses I'm Celestia wearing a Percy disguise. Which was the entire idea. I just hope that the Great White, Little Blue and Pink are having as much fun as I am.

The Lady of the Lake is also enjoying herself, giving little scares to the ponies about 'ancient terrors' and monsters of the uttermost north.

"So who is this Sombra really?" I ask her when we get a few moments alone.

"A great alicorn sorcerer from the north. He was an earth pony who somehow mastered alicorn magic and failed his 'ascension' to full alicorn. I suspect that the sisters were none too happy about that. One day, he and his armies simply went away, and I never heard tell of them again."

"Considering the Crystal Empire is supposed to be Pink's fiefdom, I think I should start reading up on that, incase it and Sombra's kingdom are one and the same."

"Your friend will never stand against him, not with all he stole," she tells me, "The humans weren't as helpless as you might think. They had weapons, real ones, they just never used them on the ponies, until it was too late."

The party washes over us, so the discussion will be put on hold. But it has planted a few seeds in my mind. About the magic the humans once had, alicorn magic, and of course Sombra. I wonder how an earth pony mastered the magic the two alicorn sisters used, and more importantly, could I learn it?

The conversations are inane, the food is pony-bland, the music is the chamber ensemble playing a few pieces. I would kill to slip Octavia something like Mussorsky's Night on Bald Mountain, or John William's Theme from Jaws, or something else with a little spine-chilling power. This all reads as a costume festival more like Carnival or Matri-Gras than Halloween. It's still kind of fun playing 'myself' among the ponies.

Be careful what you wish for, I remind myself as Armor and Muttonchops are discarding their costumes and charging off somewhere. I catch the lady's eye and indicate I'm going to follow them. Armor is Captain of the Royal Guard. Captains don't run on official business if they can help it. They have staff to carry their authority. If they are running, the situation requires their eyes, or their sword.

"Where are we heading?" the lady asks as she catches up, four legs makes her a better sprinter.

"There," I say, "Duck."

Armor passes over us and slams into the opposite wall. I note he is missing his cutie-mark. "I don't think that's what's meant by 'Shining Armor's piercing ring.'" I charge up the stair, passing a number of guards, all unicorns and all 'blank-flanks'.

"Hold," the Lady says and blocks my path with her tattered wing. "I didn't come in unprepared." She exudes a sword, a long heavy, white crystal with a bronze hilt, and from the wing a shield, a roman-style scutum faced with white crystal, note not crystals, one single crystal.

"My daughter would object if I lost you, she has plans," the lady tells me, then hoists me onto her back to charge up the stairs against whatever we're facing.

Fallen guards are scattered around, in the center is a centaur, or a minotaur/centaur creature. "So, Celestia and Luna," he tells us, "I had hoped to meet you later, but I shall take your magic now."

I slip off the Lady's back and we exchange a glance 'is he kidding?' Then we take a green-orange bolt of 'fire' playing over us. I raise the shield to protect us from the direct effect.

Too late I realize what Discord left in me wasn't a timebomb, it was a lockout. He'd changed me, and then set something to temporarily reverse the change. Absorbing the 'cap' Discord had placed in me nauseates the centaur, letting the change near completion before the centaur recovers.

As I recover from the change, I note that the Lady has decided to take on something more familiar, something with more eyes and limbs. The centaur looks at the huge, black spider, and the large, white dragon, neither of whom have a problem not having magic. 'And he was sore afraid'.

We two leap as one, I close my jaws on the out-thrust arm, and sheer through it. Unfortunately, my teeth are so cold I burn the stump so he doesn't bleed out. The lady is far more evil than I, she dove low towards his hindquarters.

The high-pitched, scream of utter agony it makes would evoke pity, if it hadn't threatened two people I care for.

It leaps through a window and it has two pursuers, the ponies take one look at the trio, and decide to run away, only a few of them waste breath screaming.

In the courtyard it landed it, it turns at bay. "You dare?" the monster thunders as its arm, and presumably other parts return.

The web enmeshes him and tangles him with fences and shrubs.

Something else Discord left demands to come out, so I let it. "Tirek, Discord sends regards." What was the line from Calvin and Hobbs? 'It's that moment of dawning comprehension I live for.'

Poems altered from:
Rudyard Kipling's
Tommy
Screw-Guns

13S) Spartacus Dressed Up as Whom? (Part 1) (side of Chpt 13)

I Am Not Spartacus - Spartacus Dressed Up as Whom? (Part 1)
by Dan's Comments
Based in the 'Your Human and You' universe by MadMaxtheBlack
This story is NOT canon with Your Human and You

DISCLAIMER: My Little Pony is the property of Hasbro, Inc.

Celestia felt odd. She should have felt glorious. The day with the children had been one of wonder. Shorn of most of the useless pageantry that wound her round and round, without the 'cunning' artifice of the nobles, simply answering and asking questions, playing games, and running free for one day. Now she was here with Percy with his usually industrious and unexpected ways, and a niggling little concern ate at the enjoyment. Standing in the shadows, half-remembered, but still there.

Ever wonderful, sensuous and orgiastic things he did, did nothing to drive away the perverse feeling that there was something wrong, that something was lacking. Like the ticking of an ancient grandfather clock in an empty mansion, with the chime to herald something unexpected.

She realized that this wasn't the event, she and he were cuddled up together, dozing after . . . and that's when she realized, He has been doing for me, to me. My response has been lackluster and spotty. He goes to sleep on orgasm, so I have been content to make it 'adequate' and leave it at that. No more. I know what stallions like, and a bit about humans. This I must make memorable.

She kissed him, soft, slow, letting her tongue play over his. Even almost exhausted she was stronger, and had to be gentle. Then if I am the stronger let us play that, she thought.

"A little nap," she told him, and glanced to the whisper galleries, "Maybe some snacks before we go again." She thought she heard hooves rushing away.

Is serving there during these sessions an honor, or a sentence? she wondered.

She seriously toned down the grin she felt bubbling up inside. "And I don't mind if you fall asleep after, I'll probably join you." She kissed him again and gathered him against her. She lay, feigning sleep as he dozed. She felt physically tired, but her spirit was soaring, as if all bonds had been released. She touched briefly on his dreams, but knew not how to enter them, that was Lulu's specialty. She did feel him snuggle against her, seeking warmth and security in her body and presence. She rested and planned her next move.

The meeting had been too long delayed. The girl looked at her counterpart and smiled, proof she wasn't standard issue. The answering smile completed the cycle.

"You have one, I have another," the other girl said, "Neither trusts the other enough to meet save in neutral ground, which would prevent a proper meeting."

"Unless the circle is widened, we will have no middle ground to accomplish our desired goals," the girl told the other.

"Simple enough, you reveal yourself, in my place," the other said.

The girl was shocked. "You never approved of us."

"There is approval, and there is necessity. Reveal yourself, a bit of your history, and the rules of the interaction. Then escort him to your holy-of-holies," the other explained.

The girl nodded. "He is coming. The Old, Foul One. We can sense him stirring, even now."

"Then there is both opportunity, and danger. We will not fail the humans again," the other girl said.

"Nor shall we," the girl said. The other agreed and slipped away into the darkness.

The girl thought, and considered the best way to accomplish the goal she'd set for herself since she fledged. No time like the present.

Luna 'listened' in on the dreams that her sister and Percy shared. Merging them was difficult, but she felt another hand, or tentacle, guiding hers.

Predictably, the dream was prosaic. Young lovers on a picnic. Eating, chasing around, playing grab flank, and ultimately making love on the picnic blanket under the open sky.

Luna snorted. Ruler of an entire nation, a mage to put all the spellcasters of legend to shame, a figure of awe to ponies and others, she thought, And when allowed to do whatever she wants, she has a romantic rendezvous prosaic to the point of ennui.

Jealous, her helper thought from her spot at the bottom of the cavern lake.

As I said, she could have anything, and she chose this, Luna said.

She cannot 'have anything', the Lady rebuked Luna, Even you demand she be more esoteric and fascinating than all others.

Luna winced at the truth of the statement.

The Lady of the Lake hadn't finished, Only one being in all of Equestria lets her simply play. Even turbulent Discord demanded she play his game, and not her own. You wonder why her attraction to him is so strong. All of you have expectations you thrust upon her like great chains. And she's foolish and weak enough not to strike back and break free.

She is neither foolish nor weak, Luna almost shouted aloud.

Oh, then how did her student know nothing of her heart? How does her sister know so little of her heart? Why does a slave, rescued from you ponies at your unalloyed worst, understand her better than all the chiefs and nobles and queens she deals with every day? Because they are the same. Would she manhandle you to get what she wanted? No. Only her kindred spirit, a slave with a self-destructive, thrill-seeking streak, can let her be who she is, without driving her away, or being afraid.

Luna frowned. Just to prove you wrong, I'll let her do as she wishes Nightmare Night. Whatever she does, whatever happens.

Unless she endangers herself, the Lady replied, You ponies always go beyond sense with oaths.

Very well, but I will let her do as she wishes, Luna replied.

Fighting tooth and nail with a slave for your sister's love, the Lady replied, Do you not think she has enough for both?

Luna wanted to beat her head against the throne in frustration at this creature's easy flaying of her defenses to lay bare her thoughts and fears.

Sugar Rain and Honey Bronze stood in the Sun Room, and watched her Highness go from one costume to the next. The two guards watched their beloved ruler dither over each one. It should have been funny, but the pair were past apprehensive, and were verging on terrified.

"Relax," Milestone said as he arrived with Percy, "Help has arrived." The old sergeant withdrew smirking, but the two guards felt some relief.

The sexual escapades between Percy and Her Highness had been something of a terror for both of the guards, but they'd also seen that Percy alone was unafraid of simply giving the Solar Diarch the physical touch that calmed her when nothing else would.

Celestia looked at the newcomer staring at her feverish uncertainty, and smiled.

Both guards relaxed immeasurably as their charge and liege seemed to understand she had a friend with her. She cast a spell, and Percy stood as an alicorn.

Percy glanced at them and seemed to grimace. Both guards felt their incipient lust evaporate on a field of shame.

"You're not pretty princess. You're the slave of Nightmare Moon. And Nightmare's not right in the head," he said, almost chuckling at the picture he was painting.

Celestia looked utterly stunned, as if seeing a thing of transcendent beauty and majesty. As both guards had felt on first laying eyes upon her in the flesh. Percy was grinning as if he had found the last slice of cake, and knew he had time to finish it before anyone else arrived. But as Celestia's expression became more enthralled, even he began to worry.

He very carefully rubbed his horn on hers and then licked an ear.

"Percy, not in front of the guards," she chided, but was grinning.

"They'd seen it before," he replied.

"Yes, but you get the inside of their armor all sweaty," she said.

Both guards blushed so hard they nearly overcame the 'whitening' enchantment.

"How about the inside of the Great White's armor," he asked, and licked her ear again. "Now, what are you going to do to all your poor, little ponies?"

Celestia Solar, all-compassionate and spiritual mother of all ponies, gave a grin that would have frightened Nightmare Moon out of a century's restful sleep.

Gravel Shade had never felt unwelcome in the guard, but thestrals had always been Princess Luna's troops, and after her fall to Nightmare Moon, there remained a faint aura of failure surrounding them. 'How could you not see it?' was the unasked and unanswered question that surrounded their entire service. That not even her own sister had either, was not a subject that was discussed.

That he'd transferred to Luna's guard the instant the princess had returned was a given. That he'd been seconded to a human and Celestia's pet, seemed more a punishment detail than anything else. The dust mask and goggles for the 'important project' made it seem even more like a punishment detail.

The three of them cleared a path through the debris of a series of abandoned storerooms. And the human seemed to get very testy if anything here, ancient and fragile as it was, received any mishandling.

Gravel Shade followed the pit-fighting circuit. Many ponies did, while being officially horrified. He knew damned well what the Crimson Death could do, even to a trained and armed soldier. The fact Percy was a pampered pet of the alicorns was something too far above Gravel's paygrade to even consider. But if that creature got in his face because he nearly dropped a hand mirror, Gravel Shade was going to be damned careful about touching anything in these dusty storage rooms.

The door they had been 'digging' for was at last revealed, and had all blockage cleared so it could be opened.

"We must be almost against the tower wall," Gravel said as he searched for a light.

The phoenix brightened, casting a ruddy, lurid glow over the nearly empty bay. What it was hovering over made all the digging and the vehement preservation understandable.

"This all was Princess Luna's," he gasped.

Percy patted him on the head, as if a rather stupid foal had gotten a lesson right. He then examined the mechanism that operated the sally port for this bay, and its contents.

Gravel Shade got the distinct impression that he'd been the only one of the three who hadn't known exactly what was going on.

Great, a human and a bird figured it out before I did, he mentally grumped, It's not like they could actually understand or get a briefing before they came out here.

"You need to relax," Captain Armor said as we walked along.

Celestia felt intensely nervous about this, but Percy had insisted. They were family, and needed a 'family night' out. Not the ALICORN SISTERS AND RETINUE, but two sisters and their niece with their boyfriends. Celestia had giggled at the idea of Percy being her boyfriend, but it was a better, more comfortable thought than her concubine.

Of course she wore a disguise, and it was apparent that Percy could see right through it. More of Discord's work, or just his natural abilities? Celestia wondered as they strolled.

She focused a moment on the banter. "I heard Shining Armor use the word 'relax'! The world must be coming to an end!" she said and put a foreleg across her eyes in 'despair'. The others laughed, and Percy nearly grinned at her letting herself have fun. She stuck out her tongue at him.

"I am doing this in the service of the Crowns," Captain 'Blueblood' told them.

Celestia watched the others, then Percy rested a hand on her back and she nuzzled him. He's right, we all need to stop being who we must be, and we who we are for a little while, she thought.

" 'Scratchers'?" Cadence asked.

Celestia tried not to giggle. She glared at Armor, then at Percy, but neither took note. Poor little Lulu, to bring her to such a place, she thought and nearly had to stab herself to keep from laughing at the magnificent prank the two were about to play on the younger alicorns.

"Isn't this the military tavern?" Cadence asked.

Armor shrugged. "It is a hangout for guards off-duty," he said, and waved any concern away, "The food is okay, it's the ambiance that's the thing. I think the Princesses will like it. I know Percy will, although he may be taking notes half the night."

One princess will like it, the others will scream blue-murder, Celestia thought as they entered.

Percy looked at Armor and raised an eyebrow, which Armor returned. Celestia looked around, and tried to see what the boys were getting ready to pull. She couldn't see any set up for a joke. She continued to their booth warily, but with an expectation of fun. Once there, she found the wine list. The selection of wines is impressive. And a lot of them are the good ones that are too 'low-class' to be served to a princess, she thought and grinned, Oh! They sell by the glass, as well as by the bottle. Well, I don't have to be up before the sun, so . . . I AM going to enjoy myself.

Percy seemed to be blowing in Luna's ear. But her growing panic made it more likely he was whispering to her. Several of the humans in the tavern were massaging or giving ponies a healthy scratch. She tried to catch Percy's eye, but he seemed to be working on Luna.

Cadence obviously overheard, and shoved Luna and Percy out of the booth. "Yes, go have fun."

Celestia focused on stage, and hid her grin in the menu to keep her fiendish glee from scarring the others forever. Celestia peeked over the top of her menu as Percy hauled Lulu to the stage. She let out a snort of entirely inappropriate laughter as Lulu's stage fright came to for full force. "What's he going to do, balance things on her?" Celestia asked as her petrified sister stared at the crowd.

"Hello everyone," Percy said.

WHA? Celestia tried to scream, but Armor was holding her back, and Cadence had cast a silencing spell over their table so no one could hear the ruckus.

"This is Princess Luna, and I am Percy," he said, only his voice showing any emotion.

"Good ventriloquist act," Cadence said to Celestia, seeming the very soul and fount of innocence. Celestia looked at her with horror.

"Wave to the crowd your Highness, wave, wave," Percy said and waved.

Celestia double facehoofed, and nearly quadruple, as it became clear.

"I think the faked stage fright really sells it," Armor asked Cadence, "Don't you?"

She considered, then nodded. "Indubitably."

Celestia just stared at the pair, then caught the waitress' eye and ordered two bottles of wine. The others could get their own drinks. It's going to be that kind of evening, she thought as she considered her next bottle.

Percy seemed to have run out of material as he looked at the laughing crowd. Celestia stifled the impulse to rush up and do something. He knows what he's doing, and he has them all in his forehoof. Just relax. Nopony will think it's him.

"Okay, you've got me," Percy said, "Her Highness' stage fright is too much for her, so, I'll be doing my own act. Isn't it always the way? I do all the work, she gets all the credit."

Celestia stared in worry. What is he going to do? she thought, He won't hurt Lulu, is he going to sing, or what?

Armor and Cadence had been watching the act and were busily laughing themselves sick. Celestia saw Percy's calculating look, although few would have read it as calculation. This is the act, this is the performance. That's what he meant. In another world, he might have been a thespian. Heck, he is one here. Playing a part every day, like me. This is just a different part, another stage.

Percy began his recitation. The words washed over her, but the gestures, the tone and the fire was all there. That little window she had peered into was here for all to see. He was putting his soul on display.

She saw the mesmerized expressions as the ponies saw and heard. Most were guards, and the families of guards, who'd heard and experienced the themes Percy was expounding. Little nods and nuzzles as they recognized the subtle injustices of the nobles against the ubiquitous guards. The 'joke' of Equestria's defense. But they aren't a joke to themselves. They do their best, and because of that, only the most overwhelming problems trouble the ponies as a whole. Sometimes success is not as welcome as you'd think. It highlights the few failures too well.

The sudden silence shocked Celestia out of her thoughts. She looked around the room and not a soul moved. Even the foals stared in rapture at Percy. A tear coursed down a cheek here and there, but nopony moved. Celestia stomped her hooves in applause and in moments the room, the entire building shook with it. Not for Princess Luna, but the power of the message.

Lulu will get the credit, of course, Celestia thought as she applauded, But we'll all know what happened.

Lulu smiled a bit as Percy raised his hand for quiet. The silence that descended was hungry. The ponies wanted more, wanted to hear and to see. Wanted it more than they could understand.

Like Lulu, Celestia thought, This is affirmation. Seeing that what you know is true displayed on a broader canvas.

She let the words wash over her, and the images and gestures paint a picture of the guards and their humans on patrol in the rougher parts of the kingdom, of the 'wars' against the bandits that plagued all the nations. More important, it gives them an insight into their humans' thoughts. That even though they aren't as intelligent as ponies, they still feel love and loyalty.

She frowned at the thought. If only we felt the same, she lamented.

"Damn straight!" somepony nearby yelled

"You tell'em your Highness!" another guard in the corner shouted as thunderous applause raced through the tavern. They returned to the booth.

Then she saw how terrified Lulu still was. "That was supposed to be relaxing? You nearly gave me a heart attack. Luna's so relaxed, you could use her as a sledge hammer."

Lulu grinned a bit but still seemed withdrawn. She's clearly thinking, thinking deep thoughts she would share with no one, until she is ready.

Celestia just rolled her eyes and looked at the menu. "You two are hopeless."

"Maybe if we sing a duet," Cadence suggested.

Celestia briefly considered bopping her niece with the menu.

"Your Highness," the old soldier said as he stood there rolling his cap in his hooves, "I just want to, I have to say, I am very, uh."

"You're welcome, and thank you for your service to our country, and my sister," Luna said.

The pony put his hat back on and walked away standing ten-feet tall.

"T'k oo," a little filly said to Percy.

"Oh honey, it was Princess Luna who, well," the older sister in the guards' uniform said as Percy leaned over and hugged the little one. The guard bowed and Percy handed the mare her sister back.

The whole evening had been like that. Ponies coming over to thank her.

Luna glanced at Percy, who showed no acrimony at having his wonderful performance confiscated by the Lunar Crown. Like an iceberg, one thing on the surface, and a vast mystery down below. What are you, to have these talents? There are ponies of fifty-years who can't do one of the things you master so handily. Yet, you are a human. Who trained you? You were captured as an adult. But your talents would take a human's entire lifetime to master. What are you?

Luna glanced at Celestia. Her disguise still baffled the eye, ear and nose, but the six bottles of wine were finally opening up the vast walls of reserve the once sole now Solar Diarch had built up over the decades and centuries. She hugged Cadence and even Armor occasionally. Told a few off-color jokes when there weren't children about. She's free, for tonight at least. Free of the collar that a crown really is, Luna thought and thanked another almost incoherent pony for their service and their appreciation of her act.

It was quite late when they left. Not last call, but not early. Luna recognized the tune that Celestia was humming as she occasionally nuzzled Cadence and Armor, about the 'rape' of a female dragon by a male minotaur.

"Crawling and crawling and crawling around, for the nubble to be found," Celestia sang a bit of the chorus aloud, then giggled.

Thank all the powers that no one but me remembers that song, Luna thought as she walked beside Percy, the two of them leaning against each other. Like the rest of them, he was pleasantly sozzled, but he still maintained an iron control. Also like Celestia. Was the one on stage what he truly is? Is that him stripped of all the misdirection, the smoke and mirrors? And is that what we've become as a people? To look at someone like that, and batter them into what we need? Do we do the same to each other? That can't be right. She glanced at her sister who was now humming another ancient, ribald, and obscure barracks room ballad about a stallion who got drunk and married eleven identical sisters because he thought the drink made him see double.

It's what everypony does to 'THE SOLAR DIARCH', Luna thought, If they do it to the top, and they do it to the bottom, of course they do it to the middle. She needs to be allowed to play. I guess I should ask her to come with Cadence and me to Ponyville. No, don't ask, let her choose, but let her know she's welcome to come.

Luna felt better about herself and the past few days as they walked the palace corridors.

Celestia excused herself and walked with deliberate grandeur towards her chambers. "Infinite bottles of wine on the wall, infinite bottles of wine. Take one down, guzzle it down, infinite bottles of wine on the wall!"

So much for grandeur, Luna thought as she returned to her apartment and a late night nap.

Luna had been ecstatic when Gravel Shade had brought her news of the cache of her old things that had been uncovered. But this air-chariot is the best, she thought as she looked it over. The upholstery was rotten, the tack was disintegrating, but the rest of it was perfect.

"We could polish it, get all the tarnish off," Cadence offered and smiled weakly.

Luna rolled her eyes. "It is perfect. The tarnish stays. I frankly never liked the shiny," she said as she cleared the cobwebs from the interior. "That was Celestia's idea," she added under her breath.

Percy was greasing the wheels, and checking the undercarriage, but the enchanted, silver alloy would last ten-thousand years. She tried not to laugh at Gravel Shade looking worriedly at Percy.

"I think I know who really found it," Luna whispered to Cadence.

The other alicorn nodded slightly.

"So how's the costume?" Luna asked Cadence.

Cadence put on her minimal costume. Luna read the sign around Cadence's neck. "Who is my number one minion?"

I sometimes wonder if my sister waits outside of doors for her entry cues, Luna thought.

"Is Mistress ready to spread darkness and evil over all the little ponies?" Celestia said.

Cadence was about to protest the absolutely horrible costume when Luna covered her mouth. Let her play, Luna told herself, Everyone else is throwing up all these rules and restriction. Let. Her. Play.

The costume was beyond awful. A bad idea, poorly executed, and worse constructed. Is that supposed to be someone dressing up as Nightmare? Luna burned to ask, but kept silent.

"You're going to Ponyville looking like that?" Cadence asked as she reached over and shut Luna's mouth.

"Oh course?" Celestia said as she took a pose, seemed to stumble then successfully took it. Luna knew how difficult it was to seem that clumsy.

"Am I a pretty princess?" Celestia asked as Cadence and Luna both facehoofed.

"Other than the fact poor Twilight will die of heart failure," Cadence said, with the expression of a foalsitter finding out why the children have suddenly gone quiet, "Nothing I can't think of."

"Good, I must away to the minion-mobile!" Celestia shouted and drunkenly dashed off.

"I think she's going to enjoy this more than you are," Cadence confided.

Luna was glaring at Percy. I know what I promised, but can no one else show a little sense? she wanted to shout.

Cadence looked over Luna's costume, and approved. She looked over Celestia's costume, and was appalled. She looked over the 'minion-mobile', and decided to accept the rational universe had decamped and left no forwarding address.

"A knighthood for all three of you!" Celestia said with utter and accordant delight. "The Order of the Alicorn, for personal Service to the Crown."

"Can it be posthumous?" Luna said. Calling her delivery leaden would absolutely not carry the gloom and despair needed to describe her tone.

"Good news, Nightmare and Discord have invited you to their wedding," Cadence whispered to Luna.

"That would be an improvement," Luna replied.

About a third of the guards detailed for this wear Celestia's delighted expression, Cadence thought, The other two-thirds wear Luna's decidedly undelighted expression. The fact that they were at parade rest when Percy and Philomena brought the minion-mobile in kept the spontaneous suicides to a minimum.

She couldn't remember seeing Celestia so happy. I doubt it compares with Luna's return, but I never saw that, Cadence thought, Oh, heck with it. Anyone else I'd agree, it's hilarious. Cadence chuckled, as Celestia pinned the medals on. It went to a hoof-pounding guffaw as she realized Celestia had brought the medals with her, so knew about the design and staffing.

Luna's sideward gaze would have curdled cement. "Does it have to be so . . . "

"Yes," Celestia said, as bright and shiny as the vehicle itself, "And I get to pull it!"

One of the more uptight guards fainted. Even the happy ones looked a little nervous.

"Show you that my flanks aren't all sitting around and eating cake!" Celestia said regally.

Everypony took their cue from Percy. No one was going to touch that line with a milepost.

"Well, your chariot is ready, so is Cadence's, and I'll be bringing the guards," Celestia said and bowed, "Mistress, shall we begin the siege of Ponyville?"

Luna opened her mouth, but only managed to nod.

"Hurray! Terror! Pillage! Setting mooses on fire! Chasing ponies with a stick! Hurrah!" Celestia announced.

"Someone is going to pay dearly for this," Luna said to Percy and Armor, with their nice, shiny medals.

Cadence returned to her chariot. Her four guards were there, the 'Four Corners' as Percy called them. The unicorns Light Song and Bright Treasure, and the pegasi pulling the chariot Spring Forest and Lonely Tears. "Are you ready for an adventure?" Cadence asked.

The four mares exchanged glances. "What was all the secrecy about?" Light Song asked.

Cadence decided to do the most evil thing she could think of. "I won't tell you, it'll spoil the surprise."

The guards rolled their eyes and took up their stations. The chariot was soon airborne. And then canted violently sideways, as the 'minion-mobile' came into view in its full glory against the twilight sky.

"What, is that?" Light Song asked, "No, don't tell me. Her Highness is pulling that thing?"

"I won't tell you," Cadence said as the chariot stabilized and fell into formation with the others.

"Thank you, I'm praying I've gone completely mad," Light Song said.

The arrival in the sudden storm cloud stunned the Ponyvillians. As did Luna's announcement that the town was now under the rule of Nightmare Moooooooooon. The timed crash of thunder highlighted it.

Cadence had spotted Pinkie Pie as her own chariot headed in to land. She jumped out and tackled the Element Bearer.

"Where are the ponies?" Nightmare Luna thundered. Causing the shocked residents to grovel even harder.

Cadence dropped Pinkie Pie in front of Luna and kept a hoof on her. "My liege, this chicken has tried to disguise itself as a pony to throw us off," Cadence said, "We should search the homes, and demand our tribute."

"Yes, dispatch my soldiers," Luna thundered, and her only reaction to the arrival of the minion-mobile was a twitching eye. As they spotted it, everyone else in the town square began to suspect they'd been had.

"Soldiers, dragoon these imposters, these creatures disguising themselves as ponies. Search the town, if there are ponies, they may provide tribute, or I shall consume them raw!"

"Yes, your terribleness!" Celestia called, and saluted, knocking herself out.

"Does anyone want an evil minion, cheap?" Luna asked the crowd. The smiling guards and the buffoonery penetrated even to the kids. The whole atmosphere relaxed.

"Princess Celestia?!"

Almost, Cadence thought and turned to face the stunned unicorn mare.

"Ha!" Cadence dashed forward and collected Spike to display to Luna. "A dragon disguised as a, uh, I had it."

"A dragon," Luna said.

"Yes, my liege, but what is it disguised as?" Cadence asked.

"A dragon," Luna said and facehoofed. Some of the crowd managed a chuckle, until her bat cape flew away. Luna looked up at them. "Come back, you're the only ones who make sense around here!"

Number One minion was on her hooves again and charged her student. "Behold!" Celestia said and nudged Twilight closer, "I have captured Star-Swirl the Bearded single hoofedly!"

"Star Swirl's a stallion," Cadence said, "And he's been dead for centuries."

"LICH!" Celestia screamed, leaped up and over, to hide behind Luna.

Twilight's eyes blinked a few times, but that was all that moved.

"Ha! Paralyzed by my magnificence! My maleficence! My -!"

"Sense of smell?" Celestia offered.

"Why do I put up with you?" Luna asked.

"No one else had references?" Celestia replied.

"Just because you knew Discord and Sombra, does not make you supervillain material."

"Uh, can I get up now?" Pinkie asked.

"Oh, sure sorry Pinkie," Cadence said, then looked at Luna, "I mean, grr, rawr, begone, arrr."

"MONSTERS!" Pinkie shrieked and departed.

Cadence glanced around. "Lonely Tears, when Twilight wakes up, bring her to the party games."

"Ma'am," the guard said and saluted.

Cadence noted that a small group of colts and fillies were still following Luna and Celestia.

"This is a game?" Luna said of the toss the spider game. "Tis cheating most foul!" she announced, setting the operator trembling. "Should be done, thus." Luna transformed into a giant spider and leapt at the web. She landed dead center. "Ha! I am victorious! What is my reward? I seem to be stuck."

Celestia handed Cadence an ax handle, and the two approached the ensnared Diarch.

"You should tremble at your punishment for treason," Luna told them.

"Yes mistress," Cadence and Luna said. Both touched their new name badges, 'Minoin Number Three' and 'Minoan Number Four'. A colt named Pipsqueak and a filly named Dinky now bore the rank, privileges and name tags of Numbers 1 and 2.

Lonely Tears was arriving with a still nonplused Twilight Sparkle.

"Hi," Twilight said as they approached the apple-bobbing tub.

"Maybe later," Celestia said, throwing Twilight's train of thought off the track and rolling it into the canyon below. Where it exploded.

"Well, howdee, yer Highnesses," Applejack hailed them, "Enjoying Ponyville's Nightmare Night?"

"Ha, a trick to force the starving into humiliating attempts to quench their insatiable hunger!" Luna announced. Cadence took off like a scalded cat. Even Celestia stared at her departure.

Applejack looked at the Diarchs and the still stunned Twilight. "Uh, no, it's bobbing for apples," Applejack said dunked her face in and came up with an apple between her teeth.

Luna turned to her number four minion. "She does it better than you," Luna told her.

Celestia let out a heartbreaking whimper.

"Beside, there is a better way!" Luna announced, and thrust her horn through an apple, "Ha! See what happens when you trifle with the incomparably invincible might of Nightmare Moon!"

"Kinda hard to eat it from there," Applejack replied, "Ain't it?"

Luna tried several futile attempts and contortions to bring the tip of her horn closer to her mouth. To no avail. "Betrayed by my own intelligence," Luna said and bowed her head.

"Mine!" Dinky shouted and grabbed the apple off the tip of Luna's horn.

"Ah, yes, I planned that all along, as ah, a reward for your excellent service!" Luna announced. Even Dinky and Pipsqueak didn't buy it.

"Uh, what's going on?" Twilight asked, "You're doing this for Nightmare Night." She smiled.

"Traitor!" Cadence shouted from the air as she dove on a cloud they'd been ignoring as it followed them. "Wearing Shadowbolt colors, then preparing an ambush!"

Rainbow Dash stood up on the cloud in her Shadowbolt costume. "What?"

"In the name of Love, I mean Nightmare Moon I shall punish you!" Cadence thundered, and managed to get a thunder clap.

ZOT! The beam missed Rainbow, but did evaporate her cloud. ZOT! ZOT!

Twilight obviously was trying to say something about the scene, of her gentle, forbearing foalsitter, hurling salvoes of death beams at, and almost keeping up with one of the finest fliers in Equestria.

Rainbow said it best, "YaAAAAAAH!"

ZOT! ZOT! ZOT!

"She has been practicing," Celestia said, and Luna agreed.

"YAAAAAAAHHHHH!" ZOT! ZOT! ZOT!

Applejack looked at the whole scene, shrugged and continued. "So, yer Highness, y'all want ta give it a try?" Applejack asked.

"Certainly!" Celestia said and plunged her entire head into the tub. They all waited for a bit, but she didn't seem to be moving. Then a small stream of bubbles broke the surface. Then another.

"She fell asleep?" Applejack asked.

Luna stared at her sister snoring at the bottom of a tub of water, and facehoofed.

"I brought you candy!" Celestia announced to Luna.

"Very well, place it before me," Luna commanded.

Nothing poured out of the upturned bucket, Celestia even looked through it to see where the candy had gone. Celestia looked absolutely miserable. "There's a hole in the bucket, dear Nightmare, dear Nightmare, there's a hole in the bucket, dear Nightmare, a hole."

Luna sighed. "Then mend it, dear Minion, dear Minion, dear Minion, then mend it, dear Minion, dear Minion, mend it."

Celestia brightened, then became downcast. "With what shall I mend it, dear Nightmare, dear Nightmare? With what shall I mend it, dear Nightmare, with what?"

Luna looked at the giggling children and told her minion in saccharine tones, "With a straw, dear Minion, dear Minion, dear Minion, with a straw, dear Minion, dear Minion, with a straw."

"The straw is too long, dear Nightmare, dear Nightmare, the straw is too long, dear Nightmare, too long."

"Then cut it, dear Minion, dear Minion, dear Minion, then cut it, dear Minion, dear Minion, cut it."

"With what shall I cut it, dear Nightmare, dear Nightmare? With what shall I cut it, dear Nightmare, with what?"

"With a knife, dear Minion, dear Minion, dear Minion, with a knife, dear Minion, dear Minion, with a knife."

"The knife is too dull, dear Nightmare, dear Nightmare, the knife is too dull, dear Nightmare, too dull."

"Then it has lots of company," Luna said, "Then sharpen it, dear Minion, dear Minion, dear Minion, then sharpen it, dear Minion, dear Minion, sharpen it."

"On what shall I sharpen it, dear Nightmare, dear Nightmare? On what shall I sharpen it, dear Nightmare, on what?"

Luna sighed and pointed. "On a stone, dear Minion, dear Minion, dear Minion, on a stone, dear Minion, dear Minion, a stone."

Celestia trotted over. "The stone is too dry, dear Nightmare, dear Nightmare, the stone is too dry, dear Nightmare, too dry."

"Well wet it, dear Minion, dear Minion, dear Minion, well wet it, dear Minion, dear Minion, wet it."

Celestia nodded eagerly. "With what shall I wet it, dear Nightmare, dear Nightmare? With what shall I wet it, dear Nightmare, with what?"

"With water, dear Minion, dear Minion, dear Minion, with water, dear Minion, dear Minion, water."

Celestia looked around. "In what shall I fetch it, dear Nightmare, dear Nightmare? In what shall I fetch it, dear Nightmare, in what?"

Luna rolled her eyes and bowed her head. "In a bucket, dear Minion, dear Minion, dear Minion, in a bucket, dear Minion, dear Minion, a bucket."

Celestia galloped over and threw herself on the ground, grabbing Luna's foreleg ankles as she sobbed, "There's a hole in my bucket, dear Nightmare, dear Nightmare, there's a hole in my bucket, dear Nightmare, a hole."

Nightmare began wailing in despair right alongside her minion.

"Where is my tribute?" Nightmare Moon called. The kids dutifully set all the candy they'd collected for her at the altar.

"YAHHHHH!" ZOT! ZOT! ZOT!

Luna sighed. "Somepony lasso those two," Luna said.

Most of the parents giggled at the utterly forlorn 'Nightmare Moon'. The kids laughed at the antics.

"You have all been excellent minions!" she told them, "Return to your homes and your native forms. Maybe we'll catch the ponies next year."

A few of the kids cheered. Some scampered up to hug Luna and Celestia. Applejack and Pinkie Pie arrived. Cadence was cocooned in ropes. So was Rainbow, but she had an apple stuck in her mouth.

"I almost had her!" Cadence complained.

Applejack facehoofed.

"I think we'd better go let Twilight in on the whole joke," Luna said, "I think she's had a few too many shocks for the day."

"Agreed," Celestia said, then looked at the pile of candy, "Are you going to eat all of that."

Luna pounced on it. "MINE!"

Celestia stood up straight. "Remember, the Elements are my friends and associates."

Luna frowned and tossed over a jawbreaker.

"That is acceptable," Celestia said and popped it in her mouth. "Alfrahg, wesheesug."

Luna nodded and headed with Celestia to the library. Then dashed back to collect her candy.

Cadence stuck out her tongue at Rainbow, and wriggled her hooftips loose and tippy-hoofed after the other two.

Rainbow looked around, tried to spit the apple out to call for he - to let ponies know she was there. She heard a twig snap. She looked around the darkness desperately, then began to inchworm her way back to town. She slowed as she tired. The loud, sniffing sound got her back up to speed again.

Applejack grinned to Pinkie Pie. "Best Nightmare Night ever," Applejack said. They touched hooves and snapped another twig to speed up their inchworm.

14) Nightmare Night (Part 2)

I Am Not Spartacus - Nightmare Night (Part 2)
by Dan's Comments
Based in the 'Your Human and You' universe by MadMaxtheBlack
This story is NOT canon with Your Human and You

DISCLAIMER: My Little Pony is the property of Hasbro, Inc.

Tirek is horrified and unleashes another mana-drain blast. Problem is, if he'd give it a rest, I might have the magic to drain, but as it is, I'm just a really smart dinosaur. "Where is your power? Where is your magic?" he thunders as he tries to tear the webbing loose.

"Power?" I ask, "Have you not heard the Riddle of Steel?" I glance at the windows overlooking the courtyard. For an instant, it's like one of the cartoons where everyone turns into food. The terrified ponies become various cuts of meat, or fish. Lady Hornswoggle looks like a trout on a stuffed turkey. Fleur looks like a collection of different sized sausages. The Lady is a set of crab legs surrounding a bowl of butter with two lemon slices eagerly clacking together. I not only see them, I smell them.

Kill and eat.

I shake that off and spot Fleur back to normal with the white crystal shield and sword. I grin at Tirek, then turn back to the crowd high above. "Come to me my child, come to me." I beckon her.

Kill her, kill the mare.

Her horn glows to open the window, then she jumps out. All the ponies scream as she drops. For an uncomfortable instant I imagine my teeth sinking into her soft flesh, her hot blood running down my throat. For a moment she looks frightened, then I move my tail to catch her and let her slide along its length to the ground. She's a bit shaken when she touches down, but not so shaken she fails to keep me between herself and Tirek. She gallops over to the Lady, and hands over the weapons, little more than buckler and a table knife at her size, but the thought is there.

Then Fleur herself beckons towards the windows, and several large bowls of salad and canapes descend. "Protein," she says before clearing the battlefield.

She offers food, take her.

Tirek is stunned by this. "That is strength. That is power," I tell him, "Those who trust, and still think for themselves. One alone can be strong, a band of friends is stronger still." The claw stroke tears through his chest armor and scores the flesh underneath. The wing buffet sends him through the outer wall and into the street.

I clamber over the wall and after him. He throws the broken pieces of stone and several lightning bolts at me, but my hide is tough and I deflect most of them. Then the chase continues. He races into the small, tight streets. Avoiding the wide-open thoroughfares where more guards could catch him.

Why, if he seems to eat magic, I'd think he would charge down the main streets draining everyone as he ran.

Kill it, kill it now!

Whoever you are, you are not helping. And why aren't you turning him into a pile of galloping venison? Huh?

The Lady has finished her snack and raced ahead, using her webs to block the few side streets. Tirek has little time to try and tear through them as he races away from the pursuing dragon. A lightning bolt or two, a piece of thrown debris or a wall of stone, force or his own web tries to hinder my pursuit. It does, but only for a moment. Discord built well, I am strong, lithe and durable. I can dodge or bypass his obstacles, and I close bit-by-bit on the fleeing creature.

Kill him, eat him, consume his soul!

What I really need is a laugh track. I've spotted a few ponies on my run, at least I think they were ponies. They looked like food as I passed them.

I stop as I see a nice long stretch of street, and no Tirek to speak of.

Did he break into a store, to leap out at me at an unguarded moment?

Find him. Kill him. Tear him apart.

He does leap out, through the roof of the building. I get a glimpse of all the fallen foals, fillies and colts he had drained of their magic. As he lands on me, the Lady lands on Tirek and sinks her fangs deep into his back as I hold him. He tries to backhand her, but my grip makes him fumble.

He rolls to throw us both off. Then throws a fireball into the building he just burst out of.

Does he expect us to race in there and save ponies? Neither I nor the Lady really cares about what he does to ponies. If he wins, all the ponies lose.

We're after him a lot sooner than he expected. He shrinks a bit as he's forced to use a lot of the stolen magic to prevent the venom from reducing his internal organs to jelly. I notice the faint smell of burnt hair coming from him as he races away.

So his horns are the key to his power, that explains the burnt 'hair' smell. He's overloading his horns to suck up and discharge all that magic. Too bad I can't let him get most of the ponies, and force him to leave the rest alone.

We charge into a park and he initially thinks he has the advantage with all the groups of kids and only a few attentive parents. Batteries on the hoof. Except a dragon and a giant spider land behind him.

"BOO!" the Lady shouts at the top of her lungs and waves her two pairs of forelegs, "We're here to eat you all!"

The shrieks and happy squeals indicate the very rapid departure of his 'recharge packs'. Tirek lets loose a flurry of magic bolts. The Lady and I jump out of the way.

I always wondered if you could see 'Magic Missiles', or if they were invisible. Our gaming group always said they were invisible, and so were the perfect ambush spell. Why think of it now? Because Tirek telegraphs his attacks so badly I can roll or jump away from him. Just like in a game rather than in a real fight. And since he hasn't 'anti-mana' blasted me lately, the dragon flight power lets me go high enough to see the edge of the city. I don't care how powerful he is, a fall from that height will get him. Especially if a dragon lands on top of him.

Kill him, kill them all.

Yeah, and it'll shut that up too. And the food-o-vision I've been 'blessed' with. I looked at all those kids, and literally started salivating. Not a good thing when a) too many ponies think I'm Celestia in costume, and b) I know the change is permanent.

Kill and eat.

I tear my eyes away from the collection of asparagus/bowl of hollandaise that's flanking Tirek. Now why don't I see him as an eatable? Doesn't seem fair. Oh yeah, Discord, when does fair matter?

The Lady lays down a heavy mesh web, pinning Tirek down and she anchors it to several heavy trees. I jump down, intent on ripping his horns from his body.

"Catch!" the Lady calls, tossing me the crystal sword. I pin Tirek's head down and chop the blade down on the base of the horn.

But Tirek was shamming. He releases a massive magical pulse. The Lady goes flying through the park's trees, and my blow only cuts deep into his horn instead of severing it. I should have aimed at his neck.

I'm rolling through the park, leaving a trail of smashed trees and tables. The concrete benches hurt the worst. My head is still ringing and my eyes blur at the corona of energy pouring out of Tirek's wounded horn. He's shrieking like a banshee as the magic cascades out of him, and back in. I look at where the Lady has fallen. She's clearly had enough, and is reverting to a fluid form to disappear down the sewers of Canterlot. Whether she'll be back is anyone's guess.

I struggle to my feet, only to collapse due to muscle spasms. It seems I am not better off than the others. Tirek seems to have gotten the least of it, and has decided to deal with the other threat once and for all. He takes my sudden retreat as a sign of weakness.

"I have taught you to fear me," he gloats.

"You, HA!" I reply, doing my best to keep his full attention, hoping my booming voice covers the pitter-patter of little feet, "I AM PERCY! I kill where I wish! My armor is like tenfold shields, my teeth are like swords, my claws spears," I thunder, and even Tirek looks uncertain.

Tirek laughs. "Then why do you cower among the trees?" he laughs again.

Oh my granny, what a big ego you have. What a big target you are.

The javelins are not well or forcefully thrown, but there are a lot of them, and Tirek has not repaired his armor. Of the forty thrown, only twelve hit and only six actually stick. Tirek shrieks and begins trying to pluck the barbed heads from his flesh.

"Loose!" Blueblood shouts from behind a tree. Forty more javelins fly, almost half hit, and a dozen stick in Tirek's flesh. The few Guard humans advance, catching Tirek's limbs in 'ponycatcher' polearms that clamp on his legs and arms. He struggles, but the battle against me has taken much of his physical strength, and most of his magical power. He is in no condition to wrestle his way loose. The rest are not guards, but gardeners. Some bear Blueblood's colors, others are Celestia's. All have an intensity I've rarely seen on humans, even those fighting in the pit. They are here to kill, to protect a master they actually feel for. No magic weapons, no battle cries, no master swordsponies trained to perfection, no blasts of magic assail him. The grim, quiet tide sweeps down on him with axes and mauls. No one enchants a gardening tool to smite a fence post harder. No spell to enhance a woodsman's axe has been laid. Good steel and long practice are the weapons here.

Tirek has reinforced his body, so they don't reduce him instantly to flattened salsa, but they do keep hammering and chopping at him. Bruising bones and covering him in shallow cuts.

"ENOUGH!" he shouts and the blast he releases sends the humans tumbling across the park. Tirek looks and moves as battered as I feel. He picks up one of the axes in each hand and advances on the scattered and moaning humans. Blueblood is no where to be seen. His 'bodyguard' had dragged him from the field.

For once, I approve of his flight, he'd be an asset to Tirek, not us.

"You should have let me finish my speech," I tell Tirek, halting his advance. Many of the humans are getting to their feet, pummeled, but getting ready for round two, but too slowly.

"Let you spout? You have nothing to tell me," he informs me. Right before my tail slams into him, like 'a thunderbolt'. He leaves the park, through several buildings.

I sigh. "Now I have to go after him," I say and start trotting towards my quarry. He still moved in the general direction of the city's edge, and the drop off. My plan is going well. It's the last part that troubles me.

I pause, not charging after him. I know he's recovering, but I also know I have no flankers and no backup. The Guard would be more a hindrance than a help, and the humans are trying to help their wounded first.

Oddly, I remember my gaming group back in college. Playing Star Fleet Battles, half the game was trying to figure out what the other player's power allocation was, therefore what you could do and what you were prepared for. One lady was a demon, no one could beat her in a ship-to-ship duel, unless the sides were insanely unbalanced. An Andro battleship against a Fed destroyer, my only win against her. But she was useless in fleet battles. As commander, she gave only the vaguest orders, and as a ship captain, she went off and did her own thing no matter what the plan called for. Years before Leroy Jenkins, we had our own. Until the contest we had with the 'official' wargaming club on campus. They'd built their fleet around two heavy carrier groups and took the most tricked-out ships they could. We took plain-vanilla ships, so it was 14 against 9. I remember our admiral taking the lady aside and telling her how important it was she stick to the plan. Then I took her aside and told her to take out both carriers. When the lady and the 'admiral' balked, I spoke the four word incantation that gave me her full attention and focused her on the task as nothing else would. We won that day, in no small part due to her efforts, and the way she delivered the line as both of their carriers went up together.

"Think of the explosion." I had my wings, and I could feel the breath weapon percolating. I also had a plan. Break his horns. Even if I died taking him over the edge, if I broke his horns before or during the fall, there would be nothing he could do about it. And nothing at all when I landed on him.

I waited for the little voice to throw some irritating homicidal remark. Silence. So the damned thing only shows up when I don't need it. Discord, you are going to pay dearly for this. Maybe I should let him drain your powers, then kill him. Detente, I don't have it, you don't have it.

With a song in my heart, The Battle for Peace by Cliff Eidelman, I set out in search of my prey. I wince a bit at the sheer number of buildings I knocked him through. And the stunned ponies who were examining the holes. At least I think they were ponies. All I saw or smelled was a bunch of shrimp around a bowl of cocktail sauce, a load of fresh baked bread sliced into chunks, a really big donut wearing a hat, and a big plate of pizza rolls. It's all I can do to keep from salivating.

I find Tirek where it's almost too convenient. He hits me with a mana-drain as I charge. But I never intended to use my powers, other than simple mass. As strong as he is, and as powerful as his magically-enhanced traction is, there's not enough mass and traction to keep me from bowling him over the fence and over the edge of Canterlot itself.

As he realizes what his peril is, I fasten my teeth around his throat, and hook my foreclaws into his horns. He tries to scream as I worry my way through his muscle and sinews. But that's the distraction and an anchor. Twisting the horns in opposite directions snaps off one completely, so I brace his head and work on the second. The real attack I learned from my fiancee's cat when it took on a coyote. I bring the rear claws up and sink them deep and rip down. Over and over, as fast as I can. I feel a claw break on the remaining armor, I catch and pull out another when it sinks deep in bone, but none of that matters. Not even the second horn breaking ends my attack.

He's trying to hammer my head with his fists as his magic sears both of us, but my arms and shoulders protect me. I continue ripping his guts open as we fall, as the jagged rocks of the Canterhorn approach us faster and faster.

The clocks of the city chime, and he suddenly gives up the fight. "Not again," he gurgles through the damage I've done to him.

I haven't killed him, so I continue my assault as the ground comes up to finish what I've started.

Sunlight wakes me, and the smell of breakfast. I wonder who brought me back, and better, who reversed the change from several tons of battered dragon back into a healthy human. I figured I would be long dead by the time the Princesses returned. I've been wrong before.

"Come on Percy," Pink says cheerfully as she sticks her head in my 'room'.

I get up, noting the lack of aches and pains that should have accompanied the descent, and the subsequent recovery. Unless I was unconscious for a couple weeks and only recently woke up enough to be moved back to the apartment. I am eager to hear how my plan went, and whether they had as good a time as I'd hoped in Ponyville on Nightmare Night. Pink certainly sounds happy, so it must have gone pretty well, or she's just happy to have me hale, hearty and home.

"I've got the guards picked out," Armor says as he arrives at the table, "It's going to be interesting." He grins.

Parasol enters with breakfast. "Well, since all of you are going out, so am I. I have a date."

She had a date on Nightmare Night too, good to see her getting out. But no one's asked about the header off the edge of the city. Have they been told not to talk about it? Or maybe I didn't get Tirek as thoroughly as I thought. Have to check that.

Armor spills his coffee and I grab a couple napkins and begin blotting up the mess.

"Good old Percy, always looking out for me," Armor says.

Wait, that's what he said when he spilled his coffee on Nightmare Night morning. Deja vu. Then Pink said . . .

"Well that takes some of the load off my hooves," Pink says.

Then she'll kiss him.

Pink gives Armor a peck on the lips.

Oh, I'm replaying the last day, this is a hallucination. Last trick as my feet go through my brain. Had me worried for a moment. But, never look a gift horse in the mouth.

"It's welcome to hear that you love me, but Tirek?" the Great White asks in her day room before court officially begins, "Where?"

"Don't worry, last night, or rather later tonight I break off his horns and push him off the end of Canterlot, splat." The three alicorns seem stunned by my retelling of last night's, or whenever's events.

"He would be the best person," Little Blue says to the others, "The most non-magical."

"But how did he escape from Tartarus?" the Great White asks.

"Discord, he also turned me into a dragon, and cast a spell to neutralize it," I explain, "So when Tirek magic-drained me, I reverted. He also left a message for Tirek. So Discord probably sprung him. Probably to mess with you two."

"Percy," the Great White says and gathers me into a wing hug, "After you confronted him. Discord told me I so desperately want to save you, that when you fly to pieces and the broken, harrowed bits run through my hooves, I'll torture myself for a thousand years wondering how I could have failed you so completely. He said my love for you will never be enough."

I hug her back. "I understand why he said that. To play on your fears, to hurt you. If you'd gone after Tirek, he would have siphoned off your magic and made things worse. Like Luna said, I'm the best man for the job, and it worked. I got him."

"You've been very closed-mouthed about whether you survived," Pink says, she looks ready to tackle/hug me herself.

"I'm here, now. This was no hallucination or premonition. It is a memory, and I'm obviously here now."

"Percy," Armor says, "Tonight is Nightmare Night, not yesterday night."

"And so was last night," I tell him.

I guess telling the hallucination I'm in a time loop wouldn't help.

"But I already know how to win then," I tell them, and smile. None of them are encouraged.

Tirek struggles weakly in my grasp. He never had a chance to 'dragon' me, so I took him over the edge as a human. A much tougher job, but helping the human guards and gardeners made this a cakewalk.

The first bell of midnight tolls. "Not again," Tirek whimpers.

"Yep, forEVER!" I tell him as the last seconds tick away.

Sunlight wakes me, and the smell of breakfast. I wonder who brought me back, and better, who reversed the battered mess I must have been, back into a healthy human. I figured . . . no, the princesses engaged Tirek out of his range this time. They weren't down in Ponyville this time. Aw crap, it's one of those dreams. Open a door and you're back in the same room you left. Fine, I'm not playing.

"Come on Percy," Pink says cheerfully as she sticks her head in my 'room'.

I get up, and get dressed, then leave the apartment.

Hunting down Tirek takes until just afternoon. He's stalking a unicorn who's none the wiser. I keep forgetting that ponies own this land, and in Canterlot, unicorns are the lords of creation. A figure in a dark cloak that screams 'cutpurse' or 'Sith Lord' to anyone else is ignored. I'm half tempted to let Tirek take out this arrogant fool, then deal with him. But that would just make my job harder.

This time I'm just going to get this over with. I'd liberated a sword from the armory, and I have no intention of letting him 'dragon' me first.

He's startled by my landing near him, but instantly relaxes when he sees I'm a human. First mistake. His second mistake is my fault entirely. The sword is wrapped in brown paper. He never knows his danger until I shove the blade between his ribs into his heart. I pull it out and slice across his throat to the spine. He never even had a chance to defend himself.

The guard is on me an instant later. They have no idea what Tirek even is. I put the sword down and surrender. My clothes have Pink's and Armor's cutie-marks, so I am taken into custody. The corpse is also collected.

Several minutes after I'd been placed in the cell, I am issued out. Not dragged, not poked and prodded, but the pony opens the door and gestures me to follow.

All three princesses, Armor, and a team of gray manes in various uniforms are all standing around the corpse. The chill in the room will preserve it, and no one is happy at having to invent/reinvent the morgue.

The Great White gestures and surrounds me with a white light. I hear 'play along' before the light fades. Pink and Little Blue 'steady' before they look to me.

"The spell has transformed him into an archeo-human," the Great White tells the group, "One of the ancient types. We can converse with him."

I start speaking, they don't instantly panic. Too bad. "Oh, he goes to ad, ab, eat magic of whole world, do bad things to Princesses, and."

"And?" one of the gray manes demands.

I straighten up and take on a flippant air. "If you're hearing this message, then my little helper must have done his job."

"Discord," the Great White spits out in fury.

I pat the top of my head. "It's amazing what you can pack into one of these things. Tirek is planning on consuming all of Equestria, and since I can't do anything about it, I had to leave a mousetrap. Now, my dear Celly, you have a terrible problem. He will never understand why protecting all of Equestria, and you especially, is wrong. You will never satisfy all these stuffed shirts that he's harmless. So after saving all of Equestria, you'll have to put him down." I give a Discord laugh and wipe a tear from my eye. "I just wish I could see the looks on your faces, hilarious."

"You won't win Discord!" Little Blue shouts, either a good act, or taken in by mine.

"Well, it's been just oodles, but must dash, arrivederci!" I collapse to the floor like a puppet whose strings have been cut. I glance around. "Why Percy fall down?"

As the Great White hugs me in her wings and nuzzles my left cheek, she has tears in her eyes; Little Blue nuzzles my right cheek and has murder in hers. Pink and Armor are lost. Most of the gray manes are chatting with their colleagues. I get up as soon as the Diarchs release me and I start looking for a comb or brush. Pink has one sticking out of her saddle bags. I collect it, and begin brushing out her mane. Most of those not used to me are stunned.

"He murdered a monster of deepest legend, and just becomes a house servant?" one old wizard asks as she stares at me the whites of her eyes showing.

"Yes," Pink says, her voice cracking with emotion, "He tries to make us happy."

The gray manes form a single group and begin arguing amongst themselves.

I content myself with combing out the Pink's mane.

The feet sticking out from under the concrete vase look comical. What is also coming out from under the vase is much less funny. I drop to the ground and approach the corpse. Quick exertion and I deposit the would-be tyrant of Equestria in a trash dumpster. I think that's an interesting statement on the plans of the arrogant fool.

After sixty-seven attempts, it had become almost routine. I don't think I'll fall victim to the desire to inject more excitement. Not after taking a month tracking Tirek to the earliest, ambush point I'd been able to find.

Dozens of successes one after another and no arrests have convinced me to accept that the tyrant will be no further threat, and I can have the rest of the day to myself.

The Royal archives should provide some answers. If not, the archives of the castle of the Pony Sisters. Lots of studying to do.

"So what exactly happened after the initial arrival of the ponies in and around the mountain, after they occupied the upper heights and built their watchtower. But before they launched the attack on the caverns here and stripped them?" I ask the Lady of the Lake.

Many of her eyes grow wider. "How do you know about any of that?" she asks as we lounge in her bower in the cavern wall, "I doubt the ponies would have kept records."

"We've had this conversation before. I decided I needed to know the history of the humans who lived in this region. I also want to know why the Pony Sisters had a castle in human territory where supposedly Discord held sway, while the bulk of the ponies lived across the sea."

She considers, then begins, "Once they had the watch tower up, they began mining for crystals. Ponies always did like shiny stuff."

I nod.

"When they realized that they could force others to work, that's when the relations began to sour. The sheep and cows weren't eager to acquiesce to our new 'owners', and the local ponies were even less so."

'Local ponies?'

"Go on," I tell her.

I can smell Octavia's terror. I wish it did something other than make her smell almost too mouth-watering to resist. "Octavia, it's me," I tell her, and set the double bass beside her, "Percy. I need your help."

Eat the mare, crack her bones and suck out the marrow.

Tourists.

I smell her curiosity override her fear. "What do you need?" she says, then she facehoofs, "You and Celestia are going to play a Nightmare Night prank on everypony. Very funny." She punches me in the arm. "You scared the pronk out of me when you flew in."

"So it works?" I ask and grin.

Crush her spine and let her screams attract more prey.

She growls at me. "All right, what do you want?"

"I need a really scary roar that doesn't sound like a typical dragon's. So I thought, rubbing a rosined mitten on the or a loosened string of a double bass, that should really produce a weird sound."

Octavia stares at me in disbelief.

Suck out her eyes and crack her skull to scoop out her brains.

I need her brains for something else, but thanks for the suggestion.

Then she shrugs, takes the mitten and rubs it on the double bass. The sound is almost like a roar. She brightens. "I think I can work with that."

"Good, I just hope I can duplicate what you come up with," I say.

"I could just rub your vocal chords with the mitten," Octavia teases.

No comment at that? I'm shocked, simply shocked.

"Not the best idea," I reply.

Tirek awakens and bangs on the side of the metal container.

Hey after a thousand flawless victories, I needed a change of pace, so sue me. Besides, I like being cruel to monsters. It's not like I could do this to ordinary ponies. Then there's the timing.

"Get me out of here!" he commands.

I lift the lid and look down at him. I grin at him.

He's taken aback for a moment, then repeats, "Get me out of here!"

The first chime of midnight abruptly changes his entire attitude. "No, not the chocolate! Not the chocolate!" he screams and waves his hands as a warding gesture, "I'll give you anything!"

"Not chocolate, butterscotch." I dump the barrels of boiling, sticky liquid into the container. It's not napalm or tar and feathers, but it's funnier. Death by chocolate was getting old.

I present the paper to the guard at the railway station. The note I'd left for all three princesses explained the same 'I have spotted Tirek, will neutralize and return to Tartarus. Percy'

The aforementioned, hornless wonder is bound, gagged and strapped to a small wagon so I can pull him along.

The note to the station master is succinct, 'This is Percy, he has orders to escort that magic-eating monster to Tartarus. Place him and his cargo, and only them in the Royal Coach. No one is to enter it until they disembark at Ponyville. Signed Celestia Solar, Luna Nocturne, Diarchs of Equestria.'

The stunned pony leads me to the coach without a fuss, other than him fumbling with his keys out of terror. I take them and unlock the door myself.

"Oh, yeah, humans don't have magic, so nothing for you to worry about. Bye!" He can't leave fast enough. I lock the door from the inside with the station master's keys. Then I hang the unconscious monster from the fitting in the ceiling like a side of beef.

We're almost in Ponyville when Tirek awakens. He tries and fails to unleash a blast of magic. Only then does he notice his hornlessness. To be fair, when I hung the coil of rope binding his legs together to an overhead hook, he's been hanging upside down since then.

"You will pay dearly for this," he tells me, "And your princess."

"I'm hoping that returning you to Tartarus alive and unharmed -"

"Unharmed!" he shrieks, "You cut off my beautiful horns!"

"They'll be much prettier as ash. And you should thank whatever gods you worship I decided to stop there. I could be carrying your separated, screaming pieces in a couple buckets instead. I still can," I tell him, "Either way, you'll be back in Tartarus, hopefully to stay."

"I will escape and have my revenge."

"If you escape in my lifetime, it will not be you who gains revenge. I will," I tell him.

"Perhaps we can make a deal," he offers.

"Sir, Discord doesn't trust you. Now normally I'd judge a man by his enemies and assume you were a saint, but Discord knows you are a threat to all that lives, including him. So I will imprison you. My preference is to kill you, but circumstances preclude that as a solution," I tell him, "Be glad I am moved by higher goals than the extermination of dangerous vermin."

He struggles and strains at his bonds. The rope is too strong, the coils too tight, and the knots numerous and skillfully done. I'd spent considerable time preparing for this, in the hope that returning him essentially intact to Tartarus will break the curse.

"I have to go," he says.

"The cleanliness of this train is not my concern, nor is your cleanliness and comfort," I reply.

"You'd make me go, while hanging upside down?" he asks.

"No, you can hold it," I tell him, "We are about an hour from Tartarus. Once Cerberus has you in custody, you are free to do as you wish. I have placed you there, and there you will remain until I need to transport you to your jail. I am not concerned about giving you humane treatment. Not with what you had planned. You have your life, and you are intact, do not convince me to change that. If you are truly desperate, and peeing yourself would cause major health concerns, I can insert a catheter."

"That won't be necessary," he says and stares at me in fear.

He's quiet on the trek around Ponyville towards the gates of Tartarus. I encounter almost no one, quite intentionally. And so I have no panicky crowd following me as I and my wagon deliver the tightly wrapped parcel to his jail.

Delivering the villain back to Tartarus is anticlimactic. Weeks of planning, and having a mind that actually works without panicking means that Cerberus' approach only requires I tell him he's a good dog. I scratch him at that magic place that all dogs have and love to be scratched, and the scent of Tirek, me unwrapping him has Cerberus trotting back to Tartarus with his charge, and I hope my mission complete.

The train trip back is in the freight cars, but that doesn't matter. I am out of it, finally.

Sunlight wakes me, and the smell of breakfast. I look around with hope for the first time in over five years.

"Come on Percy," Pink says cheerfully as she sticks her head in my 'room'. "Percy, what's wrong?" she asks in horror, then wraps my sobbing form in a wing hug, "It's all right, it's all right."

The requested team has assembled. The Great White, Little Blue, Pink, Armor, Fancypants, Fleur, the Mighty Poof, Philomena and Muttonchops. I start as I always do. "I call to order the Seventy-first meeting of 'Let's discuss the Time Loop that keeps Percy and Tirek trapped and at each others' throats' I'll dispense with the old business."

I turn to the Great White: "Yes, it's him I've been killing him for 11 years, six months and five days."

To Little Blue: "No, it's probably Discord and I have not sought his help, and no one has ever suggested otherwise."

To Pink, "I am hanging on. I've read the entire Royal Archive, and gotten through about 60% of the archives in the Castle of the Royal Pony Sisters. Disposing of Tirek is rather routine at this point."

To Armor, "Because it takes her most of the 15 hours I have before the midnight reset to convince her I can actually talk, and the rest of the time is not sufficient to convince her of the existence of the time loop. After 50 wasted attempts, I quit involving her."

To Fancypants, "Because you have shown an ability to quickly accept and give useful advice."

To Fleur, "Ditto, and you get a follow up, only with Celestia, I'd hate to think cheating on her is the way to break out of the loop."

While the others snicker and the Great White makes embarrassed though grateful noises, I turn to the Mighty Poof, "Because the first loop I remember, you sent the palace gardeners and your guards to take down Tirek. Non-magic humans against a manavore, good thinking and that's what we need."

To Philomena, "Of course I can understand you, I spent four months mastering your language, as well as a half-dozen other ancient languages and sub-tongues."

To Muttonchops, "I know that you know, now you know that I know you know. And I'm going to stop it there, because we once went on for 45 minutes and the Princesses put both of us in the hospital."

Back to the Great White, "Tirek seems to be aware he's in a loop at the stroke of midnight and the loop resets with the last chime of the clocks, and I became aware after I heard him say 'Not again', the next morning I was aware too, but I'm aware from the instant I awaken."

To Little Blue, "Grabbing him by the throat with my teeth and flinging us over the edge of Canterlot."

To Pink, "Occasionally one of you decides that you believe me on the spot and decides to take advantage of the day likely being erased. Celestia has taken me flying, Luna has done all day poetry readings, the custard war would have taken weeks to clean up otherwise, so yes, I've taken time off to have fun. I only count meeting that stay meetings."

To Armor, "Absolutely not, I usually wander off and throw myself off the edge of the city. I think I'd do that even if I wasn't in a timeloop."

Armor grumbles at that, which makes Pink laugh her flank off.

To Fancypants, "On your suggestion, yes I did. I think Discord was furious by the chaos a simple marriage proposal caused."

The Great White started laughing at that point.

To Fleur, "A gentleman never discusses those things."

To the Mighty Poof, "Carrot sticks and peanut butter."

I ignore the outraged cry from the Great White and the snickering from the others.

To Philomena, "Yes we have, and if we give out too many more details, they'll stop us. We have to figure out a way to really punish Discord that the others will allow."

Philomena chirps her agreement.

To Muttonchops, "I tracked him back to a perfect ambush point and drop a concrete vase on his head then dump the body in a large trash can. Or knock him out with a potion and do other things, like return him to Tartarus. Since unless I change someone's behavior, they follow the exact same patterns. I swung into the throne room on a chandelier and announced I was the Dread, Deadly, Dancer the Pink Flamenco, and had captured their princess, kissed Celestia. And the entire court went nuts the exact same way every time."

To the Great White, "A week. And you just sat there stunned every time. There was also the python and cobra, occasionally." The Great White becomes the Great Crimson as she stares at me.

"I won't answer and in multiple meetings, neither will her Highness." I sighed. "Okay, that's old business. I should have you all thinking, any new suggestions?"

"Maybe it's time to wake up Discord?" Armor says.

"Let's try everything else first," I reply.

"Have you ever let him absorb all the magic of the alicorns?" Pink asks.

I remember the green and purple alicorn. 'Puny god,' she'd said after doing things to Tirek even I'd never thought of.

"That's something I'd like to avoid as well, but yes it's been tried individually and collectively." It's always the quiet ones.

Tirek awakens and bangs on the side of the metal container. "Get me out of here!" he commands.

The Mighty Poof removes the glass vial from the padding and lets me toss the vial inside. We slam the lid closed and dog the restraints down.

"Scorpion smoke," the Mighty Poof says, "The Zebrafrica shamans use it to 'explore their innermost selves' in 'a moment that lasts a thousand lifetimes'."

"But what if you're an asshole?" I ask.

The screams of rage and terror, and pounding from inside the container answers my question. "I'll have to restrain myself and only do this to him every couple of years."

The Mighty Poof nods as the screams of anguish and terror drown out the chimes of midnight.

I look at the elements of Harmony, all assembled before me, Pink and Armor in the Carousel Boutique. Contacting Rarity directly let me get her over the idea of a talking human very quickly. Having royalty to support my claim didn't hurt. The rest are a gambit of scarily intrigued: Peep, to insulted: Dashie, to embarrassed: Applejack.

"This is all very interesting," Twilie said, "But it doesn't prove he's intelligent."

Communication, knowledge of advanced mathematics, understanding art, science and literature are not proof of intelligence? Not proof of sentience or even sapience I could accept, but not proving intelligence? Humans grant crows and octopi the benefit of the doubt on intelligence by being able to use tools, plan actions and reason cause and effect.

"What would constitute proof?" I ask, "Having four hooves and a tail? Is that the minimum requirement?"

The others wince at my tone.

The purple unicorn smirks. "If you really were intelligent. You would have talked your way out of captivity."

I ignore Armor and Pink's gasp. The particular subject was a hot button, and they remember the last, dark-colored pony who brought that up. I have respect for Little Blue, I have little for Twilie.

"Why didn't you try to talk to them?" Twilie says, all surety and eager hopefulness. And practically word-for-word the question I'd been asked by Little Blue. Her tone implies it was entirely my fault I was in this mess. She's stunned when Armor and Pink both facehoof.

"Pay up," I tell the pair, "I told you she'd deny my intelligence, she'd say that, and that would be the tone of it." I did not tell them this is the second time we did this and it was her behavior the first time.

"I did," I reply sharply to Twilie, "What makes you think they cared?"

I let that settle for a moment before continuing. "I watched all of you at the Grand Galloping Gala. Not one of you bothered to research the customs or reality of the party, and all of you rushed in and imposed your vision on everyone else, despite their wishes and desires. 'This is going to be MY best night ever and Discord take whoever gets in the way'. That was what my captors did. I was product to sell, slaves for the pits. Anything that differed from that had to be pounded into the right shape. They didn't care about the idea that they might make far more money with a talking human, they didn't care to disturb their bosses with the idea, and when I brought it up, I was severely beaten for 'distracting' them."

"They are doing something most ponies think of as immoral, and they generally do it in an illegal manner, so drawing attention to themselves by selling an intelligent human to other buyers would also not have been in their game plan. And let's ignore the morality of selling another intelligent creature into slavery. Considering how cows and sheep are treated by Equestrians, I think I would have been little better off as an intelligent human."

I leave the ponies to think about that as I sit back and watch them. The slaver seems uncomfortable, the braggart seems bored with the whole thing. She's probably going to suggest I should have fought my way out.

"They wouldn't have got me that easily." She crosses her forelegs and hovers in the air.

"Do you honestly want me to put that assertion to the test in front of all your friends?" I ask and grin, "We did this once before. I could have you on the ground, cursing the day you ever heard of the Wonderbolts and begging that your friends never mention them again in your presence, in about 20 seconds, tops. I can show you, and I can even guarantee that I won't harm you. They were very good teachers, and the War Masters taught me even more."

"Uh, no," Dashie says, all her native arrogance much subdued.

"There has to be another way," Twilie says, desperately trying to reason her way out.

"I've studied your history," I tell them, "You only quit treating each other that way after you utterly destroyed your home continent, and you've done nothing to advance beyond that position. Neither treating your livestock as people, nor undoing the ecological disaster you called down on your homeland. Humans, cattle and sheep were partners here, the ponies arrived and put any nonpony into pens and cages."

The others just look at each other, and stare at Twilie to get them the answer that will nullify what I've put forward and return them to the pinnacle of ethical supremacy. To be honest, she's not up to the task. I treated this as I would any other fight. I broke her strongest pillar and showed her more weaknesses than she'd ever considered. Make someone uncertain about which direction is 'safe' or if safety is even possible, and only the most fanatical charge in.

"This is why I don't do this," I whisper to Pink, "It always ends up this way. It's like beating up on a pack of kittens."

I walk out to the enclosure. The others who'd walked with me have dropped away. Mainly to preserve the aura of what I'm doing and that I'm doing it alone, partially so their giggling won't alert my victim.

Discord's statue is in the courtyard, still with his stunned expression. Philomena precedes me, and leaves a gift of her own on Discord's head. I set the ladder against him and climb.

I pat him on the snout. "Hello Discord. It occurred to someone in one of my numerous meetings to find some way out of your oh so humorous time loop that an act of absolute and utter cruelty that would break Celestia's heart forever would be a way out. At the time, we discarded that idea. But as the weeks became months, became years, became decades, I decided to revisit the idea. The cruelties I could release are so myriad, wild and hideous, I finally settled on the one being who truly deserves and can appreciate the horror."

"I have this." I held up a box, on it was a large, red button, and in silver letters 'Discord, do not press!!!'

I put the putty on his stone snout and carefully placed the box where it is directly under his eye and held in place by the putty. "There you go, now, you have something to think about over the long months and years. Just like me, and what does the button do? Why, it does absolutely nothing, except make you wonder. Of course, I'm probably lying, so you'll cavalierly press the button, and suffer a horrible fate. Food for thought." I patted him on the ear. "Bye now."

I climbed down and walked away, and felt the most malignant aura being directed at me. Even in the pit, with a pony or other sentient intent on killing me, I never felt the palpable hatred directed at me as I did then.

The dragon slipped among the shelves of the library in the Pony Sister's Castle. Tricking Tirek into 'dragoning' me had been easy. Escaping Canterlot without succumbing to the temptation to eat somepony was the difficult part. The voice reminding me that everyone I ate would simply be restored the next day rang incessantly in my head during my egress. Ignoring it until I could get away from all others was becoming a strain. Days of facing it took their toll and required nearly a week of recuperation. Teleportation would make the strain of walking through, then flying over pony-held lands go away. But Dragons cannot naturally teleport, ironically, neither can alicorns. But unicorns can.

The black crystals built up under the book to hold it aloft. A dozen other such structures held the books for my perusal. Fashioning a spell of alicorn magic to duplicate one of the highest forms of unicorn magic is taking a lot longer than I had anticipated.

I'd become resigned to this existence. And so, I study. Magic, languages, history, music, every book or painting or treatise was devoured and added to my already burgeoning store of knowledge. The gaps in the ponies' archives were glaring. Dragons, the lands across the seas, and reversing permanent transformations. Since permanent transformations were such hated magic, the counterspells were unknown. Along with long-range teleportation, it is critical I develop such a spell. If the voices continue while I am in human form, I am far less capable of carrying them out as a human. There are also many more places I can lock myself into that are escape proof to a human, which would be like a box made of tissue paper to a fully-grown dragon.

I walk to the alcove of the Tree of Harmony and in a capitulation to the raging fury within, I feast on the Plunder Vines there. My odd food-based synesthesia made them palatable.

Unlike the 'service' I performed for Discord, I feel gratitude from the tree for lessening the presence of the vines. I've even swept them from most of the forest with my alicorn magic.

Which I can only access when I'm in the form of a voracious dragon who sees everything that moves as food. Wonderful.

My condition precludes delving into the archive of other cities as the drives become too strong. And I am nearly through all the 'public' and hidden caches of books and scrolls here and in the Canterlot Archives.

I wonder if the dragonlands have a cache of magical knowledge, or they all brute force and innate magic?

I sigh and return to my studies. There is also the need to store all this knowledge. With a better understanding of holography than any pony on the planet, creating a crystal to store the data should be easy, but it's another task to consume the years as they stretch on.

The possibility that reforming Tirek is the key had occurred to my brain trust many cycles ago. So I began, and I doubt that Tirek appreciates my efforts. I couldn't care less. Considering his intent, his acceptance of my 'help' is not necessary. I first must neutralize his threat, then I must reform his thinking. Eventually, I will have to have a major effect on him in a short period of time. One day, fifteen hours, to break him down, and rebuild him.

"So, tell me about your brother, especially that incident when you were ten and he got a pony ride for his eighth birthday, and you hadn't gotten one for yours," I ask the bound Tirek. Neutralizing his powers was easy, he alone doesn't create the 'he's food eat him' visions, so perhaps rehabilitating him is the answer.

Tirek looks at me in horror. As a strictly Freudian analyst, we've been at this a long time. He shows rage, then bursts into inconsolable weeping.

"Wasn't your brother willing to share?" I ask.

And the weeping grows worse.

The white cobra writhes in the grip of the python. She tries to hold her breath against the grip of the python. Until she is penetrated, then she gasps and the he-python grips her tighter.

I am going to have to understand the fascination of the Great White in being 'overwhelmed and sexually exploited'. I eased up on the tightness of the grip my transformed form had on hers. I already knew of her fascination, having played this role many times. The look of rapture on her face is always similar.

As we twist and roll, one point remains fixed until I finish, then it's back to both of us coiling one on another, winding round and round, scaly skin rubbing on scaly skin. It feels rather good, but the Great White is in Heaven about it.

I've got to figure this one out.

I settle behind one of Little Blue's most powerful telescopes to overlook Ponyville. Tirek had returned home. A six-minute speech, then a ten-minute dialog reduced the tyrant to a desperate wretch only wanting to go home and reconcile with his brother.

I'd then used my studied magic to 'dedragon' myself; I'd placed the box on Discord's nose; I'd generated the crystal that held all the magical knowledge I'd cataloged and created; I'd seen the alicorns off to Ponyville without them knowing about the time loop; I'd shown the Lady a wonderful time among some of the few decent ponies at the evening's party; and finally I'd come here to observe the lights burning late in the Ponyville Library. Unfortunately, I was not able to rid myself of the voice providing various suggestions, the appearance of ponies as the sight and smell of food items I knew I'd never get in Equestria, and the exhaustion of controlling my dragon-instinct every moment of the day and night.

Philomena arrives. She chirps worriedly, a sound I interpret as 'are you feeling all right?' That she looks and smells like the best fried chicken is an irony not lost on me.

"I'm just tired," I admit. I tell her the day's accomplishments, then the stinger, "This is the tenth time. I just don't know what else to do. The others don't have any ideas. I've killed Tirek, I've reimprisoned him, I've talked him into returning home; I've kept the team in meetings all day, I've sent them on their way to enjoy their party, and I've taken days off to play with all of them; I've dragoned, I've not dragoned, and I've dragoned and then dedragoned. I give up. I can't think of anything else I can do. Nothing seems to help."

She chirps nervously. Asking if she can try her technique, of using her flames to 'rebirth' me.

"It is something we've done before to no avail. That is something we haven't tried with this sequence of events," I say, then glance around. "But let's go somewhere a bit more fireproof first."

I leave my spot by the telescope and climb the ladder to the slate roof.

Omake (a different 'villain'):

Percy checked his costume and looked over his companion's. "You do realize that making a mockery of Nightmare Moon isn't likely to insult Princess Luna very much?"

"This allows me to mock ponies, and still serve as a peace offering," the dehorned, one-winged 'alicorn' answered. "I will take to dual opportunity."

He nodded as they walked towards the grand ballroom where the party proper would be taking place. "I wonder what they're doing in Ponyville."

"I care not," she replied, "Not when the miasma of evil grows strong in that direction."

"Damn, and I was hoping this wasn't All-Hallows Eve'," he said as he started trotting in that direction.

" 'All-Hallows Eve'?" she asked as she took up right-flank rear.

"When the barrier between worlds grows thin and unnatural things slip across. And humans dress up in scary costumes to frighten them back over the line until All-Hallows Day restores the boundaries for another year."

"I've never heard such a legend," she said.

"Like I said, I was hoping the ponies had no need to remember it," he said. The 'miasma' was concentrated in Celestia's quarters. This close, even he could feel it. Before he could reach for the door, the knob moved of its own accord, and the door slowly swung open.

"Celestia?" he asked seeing the figure that was the Solar Diarch's double, save for her pink mane and tail.

The doppleganger chuckled. "Hello my little ponies," she said and giggled, "Are you ready to play the rape game?"

Percy and his ally glanced at each other with an expression of 'is she kidding?'

"More than thou, eh?" the creature disguised as a crippled Nightmare Moon asked.

"That is the general idea," Percy replied.

"They really do that stuff in Neighpon?" she asked.

"There's a lot of art about it," Percy said, and nodded. They charged the Celestia figure and slammed the door behind them.

Celestia, Luna and Cadence walked through the corridors. The party here was long over, and only the night guards seemed to be about.

"It was silly, and crass, and demeaning," Luna said and stuck her nose in the air.

"And fun?" Cadence asked.

Luna managed to keep her hauteur, but the smile crept in. "And fun." Her ears flickered. "Sister, someone sings in your chambers."

Celestia grew worried. "It sounds like I'm singing." She broke into a run, with Luna and Cadence falling in behind, as well as a few guards. All three alicorns charged their horns before Celestia wrenched the door open and they charged through. Immediately, Celestia slammed the door closed and conjured a 'Do Not Disturb' message on the outside of the door. The guards stopped, took up positions and sent for a company of reinforcements.

Celestia looked in horror at her apparent near-double hanging from the ceiling. The creature had her 'ankles' bound to lengths of pipe including a crossing 'X' that kept her legs and feet a set distance apart. A harness kept her just touching the floor with the very tips of her hooves and her mane and tail were bound firmly to the cable suspending her.

"There was a hole in the middle of the ground
The prettiest hole that you ever did see.
Well, the hole in the ground
And the green grass grew all around and around
And the green grass grew all around.

And in this hole there was a root
The prettiest root that you ever did see
Well the root in the hole
And the hole in the ground
And the green grass grew all around and around
And the green grass grew all around," she creature crooned softly, occasionally whimpering as she slowly rotated.

Percy stared at the charge of the alicorns, then opened the cooler he had beside him. "Popsicles?"

"POPSICLES," the creature squealed, "cHErRy, BubbLUEbErrY, L - L - L -"

"Lemon," Percy said.

The creature hung her head and sobbed, "Lemon."

Celestia leaned close to look at it. She jumped back when it screamed, "soFt, rIpe, FuLl PEACH!" And began sobbing again.

Celestia looked from the creature, to Percy, and back. Percy shrugged. She glanced at Luna and Cadence who were wild-eyed and pressed against the door.

Celestia raised the creature's head with her hoof. It was like looking into her own face, if she'd suddenly faced a terror undreamt of that had also stripped her of any reason to live.

The creature smiled and laughed, or sobbed, Celestia couldn't really tell which. "yOu, anD, hIM?" it asked.

"Yes, he's very gentle and attentive," Celestia said and smiled at the warm memories. "Better even that Maria-Ann."

"MARIA-ANN," the creature hissed and tried to retreat as far as her restraint allowed, "Maria-Ann was a pony! That -!" she shouted over the noise of her hooftips scrabbling for grip on the floor, then she locked eyes with Percy and her struggles ceased, and her hooves dragged across the floor as the restraints pulled her back to the center of the room. "That isn't human." She broke down sobbing again.

Celestia felt a great tide of Schadenfreude. She knew it was unworthy, but so was the thing in front of her. "He'll be here next year too." Now Celestia had the horrified creature's undivided attention. "MaYbE soMe NiCe ColD SteaKS," she offered, mocking the creature's disjointed speech, "Or ORangeS."

The creature's eyes grew wide and again it tried to retreat using just its hoof tips to drag it away.

"Oranges I think, a big bag of oranges, yeP!" Celestia made a special effort to 'pop' the P.

The creature whimpered in terror.

Outside the tolling of a bell told that the day was ending and the next beginning. "We'd better raise the sun and lower the moon," Celestia said, and leaned close to the creature, "And you can go home, would you like that, or I can keep you here. Percy can get so lonely at times."

The creatures shook its head ever so slightly. "No," she whispered.

Celestia smiled and turned her attention to Cadence and Luna who seemed almost as terrified as the creature was. "Well, who's up for breakfast?" She glanced over to Percy, "I know what I want!"

"Sausages?" Percy asked as the creature faded from sight and he leaned against Celestia.

"Just one," Celestia wrapped her wing around him, holding him tight against her, "Just enough to let you sleep. Before you start frightening the guards."

"So, did the rest of you have fun?" Percy asked, before they opened the door.

14S) Spartacus Dressed Up as Whom? (Part 2)

I Am Not Spartacus - Spartacus Dressed Up as Whom? (Part 2)
by Dan's Comments
Based in the 'Your Human and You' universe by MadMaxtheBlack
This story is NOT canon with Your Human and You

DISCLAIMER: My Little Pony is the property of Hasbro, Inc.

"And you are?" Twilight asked as she sipped the tea. Secure in the library's comforting walls and books, in stark contrast to the complete insanity that had overtaken Ponyville this Nightmare Night.

The Thestral guard was pleasant enough and seemed oddly reassuring after the events with Celestia and Luna, and Cadence.

"Tommy Atkins, ma'am," the mare told her, "Don't worry about Spike, the troopers are good solid folk. They'll look after him." A slight twinkle in the guard's eye was all the warning Twilight got. "Especially Tommy."

"There's another Tommy in your unit?" Twilight asked, "What's his name?"

"Her, ma'am, Tommy Atkins."

Twilight froze. Her mane became a little more disheveled. "You're all called 'Tommy Atkins'."

"Yes ma'am, exactly. We are all called Tommy Atkins," the thestral said.

It took Twilight a moment, then she got it. "All of Luna's thestral guards are Tommy Atkins."

The guard smiled. "Exactly."

"I thought your name was Tommy Atkins."

"No, we're just called Tommy Atkins," the thestral replied.

"How did that come about?" Twilight asked, and pulled a quill and parchment to her.

"After a poem Princess Luna wrote."

Twilight nodded. "That doesn't seem to be a pony name I recognize."

"It may be from a thousand years ago, or a mistranslation. She was doing ventriloquism at the time, and expertly so."

A knock on the door interrupted further conversation. The guard went to the door and opened it. "I already searched in here," she told the crowd of kids.

Most looked slightly surprised at the reaction.

"It's on the list, we do the invocation, and collect the tribute," the guard with the colts, foals and fillies announced. The thestral shrugged.

"Nightmare Night! What a fright! Give us something sweet to bite!"

The thestral hooved over the candy to the kids. Some thanked her, some just ran to the next house.

Twilight was relieved to see her friends arrive, along with Cadence, Luna and Celestia.

"Brains!" Celestia announced and trotted over the chew on Twilight's mane.

Twilight relaxed as the others chuckled at the sight of her expression.

"Ya need ta be able ta take a joke, Sugarcube," Applejack said, "Her Highness was just playin'."

"What about me?" Luna whined looking as cute and adorable as she could.

"You were acting," Rarity said, "Princess Celestia was just doing whatever crazy thing came into her head."

Luna straightened up. "Foolish minion, the brains are under that," she intoned.

Celestia blushed, lifted Twilight onto her back and looked at the floor. "Awfully small."

The others giggled at the scene. Twilight finally gave up trying to make sense of it and just laughed along with the others.

"I do have to ask," Cadence began, "Why is Spike dressed up as a dragon?"

"My deep and infamous plan to confuse all of ponydom!" he announced.

"Ah," Cadence said, "Now I'm not confused anymore."

"Darn it," Spike said and they all laughed.

"I just realized," Fluttershy said, "Spike has known you as long as Twilight has."

"Almost," Cadence said, "Although whether Spike remembers his earliest days is for Spike to tell. But I did meet him soon after I met Twilight."

"Made it!" Rainbow Dash announced as she inchwormed her way to the doorway and collapsed in exhaustion. She looked at Cadence, free of her mummification. "How'd you -? Oh, magic, right?"

"No, I bit through the rope," Cadence said as she grinned at Dash. "Now don't grit your teeth, save that for grinding through your ropes."

"I'll untie you," Rarity said, "But it is a stunning fashion statement."

"You think so?" Celestia asked as she turned, and 'accidentally' prevented Twilight from climbing down off her back.

"Won't sell in Manehatten, too rustic," Applejack added as she pondered.

"I can let you model it," Rainbow growled at Applejack.

"Naw, takes an athlete, even Fluttershy couldn't make that look like you do," Applejack replied.

"It would certainly make a sensation around the castle," Luna said, "Maybe silk rope, with braids of yarn for color. And after a few months, we could tell Discord what he's missing."

Celestia stood, hoof on her chin. "Yes, it would be an interesting statement. But I'd want to leave the scratchy fibers. Much greater authenticity."

"Oh dear, whatever will the fashion industry do?" Rarity asked and pouted.

"Well, there would be the colors and braids," Celestia said, "And of course fancy knots and bows."

"Guys, really funny, but can someone let me lose?" Rainbow asked, "My wings are starting to cramp."

"She's right," Rarity said, "It would never work. All the sailors would be dragooned into the fashion industry because of their fancy knots, and where would commerce go?"

Celestia nodded. "Very wise Rarity, you are a treasure for our age. So sad, fashion trends, to go out of date in just one conversation."

"Come on, guys."

"That is the distillation of the fashion industry, your Highness," Rarity said and sighed, "A brief flowering and then, no one wants it anymore. Like a blown rose, such beauty in its time, and them, naught but a memory."

"Guys!"

"Such is life," Celestia said, "We spend so much time tangled up with our own lives, we never break free."

"That's kinda what I'm ask for help with!" Rainbow said.

"True, Rainbow Dash, you are wise beyond your years," Luna said, "A fashion maven, to fashion victim, to philosopher."

"Also a ready good flier," Fluttershy offered.

They nodded.

"Really," Cadence said, "She can fly really well? I'd love to see that. Well, when she's not tied up in other pursuits. I've heard that there are ponies who let their humans tie them up. You don't suppose Rainbow is that way?"

Rainbow growled as the others laughed. Twilight took mercy on her and untied the ropes. Then she teleported off Celestia's back to the floor.

"You people," she said.

"Just having fun," Cadence said, "You used to know what that was."

"She did?!" Twilight's friends exclaimed.

"You must tell us about that!" Rarity said, "It would be like hearing tales of the lost cities of the Appaloosan desert."

"I have fun!" Twilight said.

Cadence looked at the others, as if polling them. All the others seemed to be trying to remember.

"There is reshelving day," Spike offered. He looked at Twilight apologetically and went back to thinking.

"She did the Running of the Leaves," Pinkie offered, "And when she went POOF out at Froggy Bottom Bog, and the time she got turned to stone, and - no, that might not have been very fun."

"Gee, thanks guys," Twilight said.

"Ooo! She loves to get all snarky!" Pinkie said.

Twilight facehoofed as the others laughed.

"Beg pardon Highness," Applejack addressed Celestia, "Y'all seem, less nervous about us than last time."

"I have a friend who seems to have a better grasp of when to be ridiculous, and when to be sublime," Celestia said, "Cadence, would you like to tell the story?"

"Well, Applejack may know it, I met Applebloom and Big Macintosh at the show. I have a human. He was a pit fighter, the Crimson Death. I was sure I could rehabilitate him if I showed him love and affection."

"You were right," Celestia said, "Although he has retained all his legendary ferocity." Celestia and Cadence glanced at each other, then began laughing.

"Considering that he attempted to seduce Nightmare Moon, he is also insane," Luna said.

"Or insanely brave," one of her thestrals said, "That's what a good guard does. Comfort, life and dignity are second to the safety of your principal. Besides, I understand you were quite a looker as Nightmare Moon."

Luna facehoofed as the other two alicorns began laughing at her.

"Well, to transfer the embarrassment back to me. He doesn't seem to respect me any more than any other pony. And he seems to have gotten it into his head that he has to look after me. Sometimes it's like having a bear for a nanny," Celestia said and weathered the smirks and snorts of the others. "Still, it is nice having someone else see the mare, and not the crown."

"I'd like ta meet him, someday," Applejack said, "I thought Applebloom was tellin' tales until Big Mac said the same things. Doesn't seem possible for a human to be like that."

"Oh, it's possible," Luna said, "We suspect he and Philomena conspired to welcome us, Celestia and I, back to Canterlot. Although none of the investigators ever even considered them."

"What did they do?" Pinkie asked.

"They hung an unapproved banner along the parade route," Cadence said, "I should have known it was them. Even I didn't suspect!"

" 'Sunbutt'?" Rainbow asked, "They hung that banner?"

Celestia nodded.

Rainbow covered her face and started crying. "The greatest prank in Equestria's history." They realized she was crying from laughter.

"No, the greatest prank in Equestria's history is the city of Baltimare," Celestia said, "No one has figured that one out yet."

Celestia grinned as she was barraged by pleas for the answer or just hints, but she discussed everything but that.

"How about scary stories?" Pinkie Pie suggested.

Most of them had eaten enough treats, and pilfered much of Luna's candy those few who wanted to move. Guards took care of the ever-decreasing number of visitors to the front door.

"And not the Headless Horse, again," Rainbow said and rolled her eyes.

"I. Taught. Her. That," Cadence said as she stood and glowered at Rainbow. The pegasus whimpered and scooted backwards.

Cadence sat down. "Okay, that's mine. Next."

Rainbow grumbled as the others giggled.

"Ya fergot she raised Twilight. Has to have some brain, or that poor filly woulda blown herself up," Applejack said and grinned at Twilight.

"I'm not that bad," Twilight grumped.

"Now," everyone replied.

"Too bad they have to be scary stores," Cadence said, "And saying I'd tell them would only scare Twilight. And Celestia."

"What would Twilight have done that would frighten me?" Celestia said.

"The gemologists' and alchemists' conventions?" Cadence said.

"That would have worked, if you hadn't stopped me," Twilight said.

"Cadence, point taken. And Twilight, I was missing my sister." Celestia nuzzled Luna. "I didn't want to get out of raising the moon."

"It still would have worked," Twilight insisted.

"I think the lack of details makes that a properly terrifying story," Rarity said.

"I'll say," Applejack added, "I'm glad I have no idea what alchemy and gems have to do with raising the moon." Applejack covered Twilight's mouth. "And I don't want to know."

Twilight frowned at all of them. "Princess Luna, your guards said they were all Tommy Atkins." Twilight never finished the question as Celestia began coughing in her tea.

"I guess it is time for me to tell a story." Celestia glanced around. "Good, Spike's in bed asleep. There was a unicorn famous for capturing humans. She was the most successful, and the richest, because she only went after human of great intellect and cunning."

"Smart humans?" Rarity asked.

"Oh you'd be surprised," Applejack said, "Some'll even play pranks on ya, like Cadence's."

"Smart ones also live longer, making the effort and cost worth it. She was roaming the badlands to find a human who'd evaded all other hunters," Celestia said, "She was determined to catch this one."

The ponies shivered slightly at Celestia's ominous tone, but she continued, "She headed into the badlands, with her equipment, expertise, and training. The first night, something slipped into her camp and slashed all her water bags. She patched them, but wondered how something could have gotten by her wards. As she traveled, she discovered that whatever it was hadn't slashed the bags to let the water out, but to put something inside. Every bag was fouled and a mere drink from one made her sick. She realized that she was up against no mere 'clever' human, but one with a pony's cunning, and a very nasty bag of tricks."

The ponies murmured to each other uneasily.

"She set out on the hunt," Celestia continued, "She found a few trails, but they led nowhere, as if the human could suddenly teleport, or vanish. Then she realized, it was trotting off, then backtracking and leaving the trail at a set of rocks, or covering its trail somehow. For two days she tracked it. Back tracking, doubling over her own trail multiple times. Yet she never seemed to be able to close on it. Then one night, as she lay in an exhausted sleep, it slipped into her camp, and stole all her special equipment. When she awoke, she realized now she was the hunted."

The others shivered. Fluttershy squeaked and hid within her mane. Even Rainbow and Cadence were shaken.

"At her moment of revelation, he began the pursuit. She thought she could use magic against him, but he opened a bag he carried under his arm, and caught her spell within it. In terror, she ran. And he trotted after her. For the rest of the day, she ran, and he pursued. She laid traps, and he spotted them and used the bag to siphon off the magic. She grew tired and thirsty, and he sipped from the water bag he carried. She grew hungry, and he snacked from a tucker bag he carried or found food she didn't know existed," Celestia said.

"Even nightfall brought her no respite, through Luna's bright light, he chased her down. She decided to make a final stand. She picked a box canyon too steep for him to climb down into, and waited. And waited. And waited. Until her eyes drooped and her concentration flagged. Then the howls of desert creatures sounded through the canyon coming from everywhere. She lit her horn, searching for them, and saw nothing. Throughout the entire night, she spent it facing howls and shadows from things unseen, and never did her foe even come into sight."

Celestia looked around at the terrified ponies. She grinned. "It was morning, when she fell into an exhausted sleep that nothing could rouse her from. The human crept up, wary of a trick, and placed the bag over her horn, and she knew no more."

"When she awoke, she'd been fed, watered, washed, and dressed in strange, soft clothes. She also realized she'd been transformed into a human. She looked at the hunter who pursued her. 'You are now a princess from a foreign land. You did not understand who you hunted, now you will, that will take two years. After that, if you ever want to be a pony again, merely look into my bag and all your magic will come back to you. But, for as a penalty for what you have done, when you are a pony, you will suffer the worst death imaginable."

"She scoffed and extended a hand for the bag. He laughed at her and told her to come back in two years. She found the human village more primitive than pony towns, but not as primitive as the forests and deserts she was used to. She lived with them, was treated well, and caught the eye of both the chief's son, and the hunter's son. They contested in everything to catch her eye. She finally laid down the challenge that who defeated the other would choose. Everyone agreed, adding only that the contest couldn't be to the death. All agreed. Then she stunned everyone by entering the contest herself, and beating both of them. She then took them both, for she couldn't choose between them herself."

There were giggles from some of the ponies.

"There were hunts and harvests, and children. And she saw what she had done, as pony hunters stole children, young fathers and mothers. She even came across a village that had tried to fight back, and been slaughtered to the last child. She realized if she could just tell ponies, explain to them. But the few times she approached them, she couldn't speak the pony language, she couldn't make them understand, and time and time again she had to run for her life from ponies, some who'd been her colleagues, and now who would gladly take her away from her husbands and children."

Celestia sighed. "Finally, a pony stole her beloved daughter who was just on the cusp of womanhood and was like her mother in almost every way. She knew what would happen, what ponies would do with such a 'spitfire', she'd supervised doing it herself. She remembered the bag, and decided that the worst death imaginable was worth never seeing this happen to another, was worth rescuing her daughter. She walked into the hunter's tent, all the others were packing to move the village, again, so the pony hunters wouldn't swoop down and collect all of them. She peered into his bag, and she was a unicorn again. Then she turned at a familiar sound. Her husband and her eldest son entering the hunter's tent. She tried to tell them what was happening, but her voice was gibberish to her ears long schooled in the human tongue. She tried to remember how to make human words, but a stone ax smashed into her horn, shattering it. She saw dozens pour into the tent, tearing through the walls if necessary, children she had watched over, some from her own womb, women she had counted as friends as no pony had been. They did not pause, a hunter had come to their village alone, and that hunter would die. She realized in her last moment, she realized the worst death imaginable, was seeing the ones she loved, seeing her as only the enemy."

Celestia left the circle of stunned ponies and went to the kitchen to get some tea and cake.

The circle of ponies stared at each other.

"That wasn't scary at all," Rainbow said, but she didn't move.

"Speak for yourself," one of the guards said as he stood appalled.

"It was . . . horrifying," Cadence said.

The silence answered her.

Luna watched the troops load into their chariots for the trip back to Canterlot. They had said their goodbyes and saw the Bearers safely home.

"You enjoyed yourself?" Celestia asked.

Luna nodded. "It was fun, playing and mocking what I have feared becoming. Buffoonery was enjoyable."

"And you no longer fear becoming Nightmare Moon?" Celestia asked.

"If Nightmare appears, I shall laugh at her without ceasing," Luna said, "Which is what I should have done the first time."

"You were not entirely blameless. I should have paid more attention to my sister, than to the being who were trying to turn me into a wishing well with legs," Celestia said, "I don't hate my ponies, but I wish more of them were like these ponies. They want us, but they don't need us."

"Have you considered making the nobles less privileged?" Luna said, "Or are you worried they only love you because of what you can give them."

"I've already learned that few of them love me. Most look at me as an obstacle and get close to me so they can figure out a way to squeeze past me," Celestia said, "There are times I wish I could just let them take over, and tear each other to pieces over the spoils. But then I remember that those spoils are the lives, and savings and work of other ponies who do respect me, and I can't do it."

"And the humans?" Luna asked, "Odd you told them a horror story, that was a true story from a thousand years ago."

"There is much that we might do," Celestia admitted, "But I don't know where to begin. If the spell is what I think it is. They wound it into the very heart of Equestria. I cannot unwind it without unraveling more than I care to."

"There is one other answer," Luna said, and looked over as Cadence and her team prepared to depart, "A bitter irony, but a chance."

Celestia nodded.

Blueblood walked the corridors of the castle. He knew there was something he was supposed to be doing, something that all of Equestria depended on him doing. But I can't remember what it is, and I'm sure Armor, or someone would be frantically rushing around if it were real, he thought as he patrolled the castle with a small band of humans. He'd dismissed them to go back to bed, but he'd made it a suggestion, not an order, so a dozen humans followed him, searching the area around them for whatever had so disturbed him.

I wish I knew, I just cannot imagine forgetting something like that, he thought and looked at his reflection in a window showing the city of Canterlot asleep after the evening and night time party. Are my 'fits' getting so bad that now I'm remembering things that never happened? He looked at his humans, and his expression caused them to cluster around him, hugging him, preening his mane and coat. It tore out his heart, but he decided. If my episodes grow worse, I have to have Percy take all of them away. He'll figure out something, Blueblood thought, He's almost as smart as I am. Feeling he'd solved the real problem looming over him, he headed back to his quarters. From the low hoots and murmurs from his humans, he suspected he'd be getting up very late after a very athletic session.

The minion-mobile landed first, then Luna's and Cadence's chariots landed in the same bay. Celestia was looking very pleased with herself at perfect landing with the unwieldy chariot. Cadence stretched and then hugged Shining Armor, who was waiting along with a number of guard.

"No medics in case of a crash?" Cadence teased.

"I figured you'd miss the entire bay, so they're waiting below with nets," Armor said, "I know Percy went as you, your Highness, but who was Nightmare Mauled?"

Luna looked around in confusion. "I didn't arrange for a substitute," she said and looked to Celestia who shook her head.

"There is someone we can ask tomorrow," Armor said, then shook his head, "It feels weird, like it wasn't only a few hours. Not deja vu, but that I haven't done something, and yet I didn't do it lots of times."

Luna cocked her head. "That does sound weird," Luna said, "We can look into it tomorrow."

"Did you two have a good time?" Shining asked.

"What about me?" Cadence asked.

"You kept grinning, so I know you had a good one," Armor said.

"Yes, I enjoyed mocking the monster that has haunted my return. I believe the ponies of Ponyville also enjoyed it," Luna said.

"Other than Twilight," Celestia said, "I may have fatally damaged the pillar she insists on placing me on."

Armor sighed. "Does Percy have any relatives? She's going to need a human like him to learn to relax."

"Not that I know of," Celestia admitted. She led them out of the bay and into the palace proper. "We should all get some rest, tomorrow will be very interesting."

"Again?" Luna complained.

Cadence entered her apartment and went straight for Percy's room. The human lay sprawled out on his bed.

"Adorable," Cadence murmured, then she heard the soft cries of distress as he slept. "Someone's having nightmares," she said and glanced at Shining, "I'm not Luna, but I know what quiets one stallion's bad dreams." She snuggled into the bed with him, and waved Armor to join her.

He rolled his eyes and slipped in so he was back to back with Percy. The soft noises slow and stopped. Shining felt his own formless anxieties fade as he felt Percy press back against him. I'd prefer to Cadence in my hooves, he thought then felt Cadence's wing drape over him. He lay there listening to their breathing like the softest lullaby, and slowly surrendered to sleep.

Luna had dismissed the few functionaries who'd shown up for the night court, and many of the guards, to return to their families. She sat on the throne in the dark and the quiet and relaxed. She looked in on the dreams of the ponies of first Canterlot, then the rest of Equestria. For once, the nightmares seemed at a low ebb. Even the few she'd assumed were nightmares she quickly realized the terrifying creatures were being run down by the ponies in their frightening costumes. She suppressed a chuckle at the ponies' antics. She went to where she normally avoided. Percy was clearly her sister's in all but name, and she was Cadence's by that name. Luna generally considered that made him off limits, even when she tried to help his many nightmares. The nightmares themselves frightened her more than anything else she'd ever faced. Both the scenes of the life as a pit fighter, the bizarre scenes that looked like they were out of a drug-addled fiction writer's fever dreams, and the ones where Cadence, herself, and even Celestia turned on him and sent him back to the pit fighting scene while they laughed at his torment. That was saying nothing of the ones that were simply too bizarre for words.

She understood that dreams were way of working out dread that plagued the subconscious mind, but the callous cruelty that she saw laid out, that she knowingly and laughingly thrust him back into were physically painful.

Fortunately, she found tonight his dreams were peaceful. Him looking after a pack of foals that were clearly Shining Armor and Cadence's.

Another almost boringly prosaic scene, she thought, then stopped herself, And who am I to judge, if even a tenth of what I've seen in his nightmares is true, he deserves some boredom and monotony of everyday life.

She shifted her gaze to look in on the Elements. She left Rainbow Dash losing to Cadence, although she did intervene and remind the dreamstate Wonderbolts that Cadence could not joint their ranks. Applejack and Rarity wondered about their businesses. Pinky Pie's dream involved a garden hose and a chocolate train, and was otherwise incomprehensible. Four Fluttershys sang barbershop quartet, including a smooth base, to an audience of appreciative animals.

Twilight was having a nightmare, unable to produce a cure to Celestia's sudden 'insanity'. Luna briefly considered giving Twilight the lecture she herself had received about letting Celestia be herself, rather than the vessel of everyponies' hopes and dreams. She instead entered the dream and addressed the fundamental problem. "Why do you want to change people's behavior that you don't approve of?"

Twilight looked at her, focusing on her. "Because Princess Celestia must be sick, she'd never act that way!"

Luna felt her eye twitch as her anger rose. So says the mare who thought her beloved mentor would strip her of all honors and responsibilities for failing to submit her paperwork on time, she thought.

"HA, THEN YOU FELL FOR HER PRANK COMPLETELY!" Luna announced, "I LAUGH AT YOUR FOOLISHNESS!"

"Prank?" Twilight's dream shade asked.

"Is that not the point of Nightmare Night? To collect candy, but to also jest with others? And upon Ponyville we played a great prank." Luna regarded Twilight. "You did not get the joke?"

"Oh." Her ears folded down and she lost her manic expression. "Oh, of course I got it, I don't think anyone else did and I was just, ah playing along."

The dream faded as Luna retreated. Maybe we should dip Percy in the Mirror Pond and send the copy to Twilight, Luna thought, That mare needs a bedwarmer worse than Celestia did.

Dusk Shine saw the pony princess dozing on her throne. She'd slipped into Princess Cadence's apartments, and saw her target was entangled with the others. She'd slipped out without being noticed. She thought of the one she'd seen at the 'human show', she hungered for the pony who was Percy's master in name only. What she wanted would be to get the frivolous mare out of the way. She knew what Percy was, she could feel it. While they considered him an atavism to the early days, she knew the truth.

But he trusts Cadence, so there is a simply way to get him, she chuckled and slipped back to Blueblood's compound in the palace.

She missed the two pairs of eyes who watched her, and the silent agreement they came to. They might not have been allies, but they knew they would have to be partners, for their human charges' sake.

Dusk Shine considered the pile of satiated humans and the disgusting pony who thought they loved him. She had been disgusted to discover they did, and not just for his treatment, but because of his weakness. Her disgust grew as she noted the door to the 'inner sanctum' was locked, and Blueblood again had left the key within, out of her reach. She idly wondered how that little squirt managed to worm her way through the openings, yet she'd never caught her.

Soon, she thought, Very soon.

15) Equestrians, Not Like That

I Am Not Spartacus - Equestrians, Not Like That
by Dan's Comments
Based in the 'Your Human and You' universe by MadMaxtheBlack
This story is NOT canon with Your Human and You

DISCLAIMER: My Little Pony is the property of Hasbro, Inc.

I feel confused. It isn't the empty bed and tangled sheets I've woken to for I don't know how long. Fur pressed up against my back and chest, feathers draped over me.

"Go ahead and sleep, Nightmare Night is over," Armor tells me, before snuggling in behind me, "And you're better than a blanket."

Not the old greeting I've heard over and over. 'Nightmare Night is over.' I can't help it, I start crying. Half-asleep Pink licks at my tears, hugs and nuzzles me like a fretting foal. She squeaks as I hug her back. Armor hugs both of us.

"See, Nightmare's all gone," he tells us.

He doesn't know the half of it.

The requested team has been assembled in Celestia's day room. The Great White, Little Blue, Pink, Armor, Fancypants, Fleur, the Mighty Poof, Philomena and Muttonchops. I start as I always had. Not just the past, but the pluperfect, I pray to every god listening and God. "I call to order the one-hundred eighty-seventh meeting of 'Let's discuss the Time Loop that keeps Percy and Tirek trapped and at each others' throats' I'll dispense with the old business."

Both the Great White and I look for who is stunned or not by my speaking, especially who they didn't expect to be. Fancypants and Fleur are shocked, as expected. Pink and Armor are shocked that Muttonchops isn't. But the Great White is among the stunned that the Mighty Poof isn't shocked.

I turn to the Great White: "Yes, I'm sure it was him. I broke his will and sent him back home to reconcile with his brother."

To Little Blue: "No, it's definitely Discord and I have not sought his help. I managed to get out without resorting to that extreme."

To Pink, "I am hanging on. I've read all the Royal Archives, here and in the Castle of the Royal Pony Sisters. I just relieved it's all over."

To Fancypants, "Because you have shown an ability to quickly accept and offer advice, and after all the useful advice, you deserve to know."

To Fleur, "Ditto, and you get a follow up, only with Celestia, I didn't even want to consider cheating on her as the way to break out of the loop."

The Great White seems stunned by that revelation, but I continue.

To Philomena, "Of course I can understand you, I spent four months mastering your language. As well as mastering a dozen-and-a-half other ancient languages and sub-tongues."

To Muttonchops, "I know that you know, now you know that I know you know. And I'm going to stop it there, because we once went on for 45 minutes and their Highnesses took me at my word about the time loop, and gleefully put both of us in the hospital."

Muttonchops snorts at that and stares at the very souls of innocence, our three alicorn princesses. He snorts again.

Back to the Great White, "Tirek seemed aware he was in a loop at the stroke of midnight and the loop reset with the last chime of the clocks, and I became aware after I heard him say 'Not again', the next morning I was aware too, but I'm aware from the instant I awaken. This morning was different."

To Little Blue, "By making him see all his excuses as hollow as they were, and making him want to reconcile with his brother. Then it was open the portal and step out of the way."

To Pink, "Occasionally one of you would decide that you believed me on the spot and decided to take advantage of the day being erased. Celestia took me flying, to the Wonderbolt's incredible jealousy. Luna has done all day poetry readings. The custard war would have taken weeks to clean up otherwise. So yes, I've taken time off to have fun. I only counted the meetings that stayed meetings."

To Armor, "Absolutely not, I would regularly wander off and throw myself off the edge of the city. I think I'd do that even if I wasn't in a timeloop."

Armor grumbles at that, which makes Pink laugh her flank off. Several others familiar with his fanatical devotion to hoofball smile at his complaining.

To Fancypants, "On your suggestion, yes I did. I think Discord was furious by the chaos a simple marriage proposal caused. Although sticking that box on his nose will pay greater dividends in the long-run."

The Great White starts laughing at that point.

To Fleur, "A gentleman never discusses those things."

To the Mighty Poof, "Carrot sticks and peanut butter."

I ignore the outraged cry from the Great White and the snickering from the others. "The questions aren't related the way you think."

To Philomena, "Yes we have, and if we give out too many more details, they'll put us in irons. The box will punish Discord in a way that the others will allow."

Philomena chirps her agreement.

"That's what that thing on Discord's nose is!" Cadence says, "I saw half the Wonderbolts pressing that button and talking about it."

I nod.

To Muttonchops, "Initially, I tracked him back to a perfect ambush point and dropped a concrete vase on his head then dumped the body in a large trash can. Or I knocked him out with a potion and did other things, like return him to Tartarus. Finally, I learned enough about his psychology I was able to tear his worldview to pieces with just a few well-chosen sentences, and convinced him to return home. Since unless I changed someone's behavior, they'd follow the exact same patterns. I swung into the throne room on a chandelier and announced I was the Dread, Deadly, Dancer the Pink Flamenco, and had captured their princess. I kissed Celestia, and the entire court went nuts the exact same way every time."

To the Great White, "A week. And you just sat there stunned every time. There was also the python and cobra, occasionally." The Great White becomes the Great Crimson as she stares at me.

I look immediately to Pink. "I won't answer and in multiple meetings, neither will her Highness." I sighed. "Okay, that's old business. I should have you all thinking, any new questions, comments, clarifications?"

"The box with the button you stuck on Discord?" Armor says.

"It tells him not to push the button, since that's all he can do, it should drive him completely crazy."

"Did you ever let Tirek win? Let him absorb all the ponies' magic?" Pink asks.

"Once. It seems there is a fail - not failsafe, more like a fail-deadly. A green and purple alicorn who seemed to thing Tirek a 'Puny god.' She did things to Tirek even I never replicated," I say, "Although I did use her to terrify him from time to time."

Pink looks around nervously as everyone is looking at her. "What?" she asks, trying to look and sound as innocent as she can. She pouts at all of us. Only for Fleur, Little Blue, the Great White and Muttonchops to pout back.

When everyone stares at the old sergeant, he shrugs, "How else does a sergeant affect a general?"

"Too bad all your learning is only stored in your head, the accumulation of all that would be fascinating," Little Blue says.

I set a black crystal on the table. "I did think of that, and stored all the studies." I slide it to Little Blue. "The accumulated knowledge of the one person who can say 'I've read more books on magic than Armor's sister.'"

"I almost doubt that," Armor says.

"I quit counting around 50,000 days. That's one and a third centuries, and I stopped counting a long time ago. Say it was 200,000 days, that's over 500 years. Most of that was studying," I tell him, "I think I've got most people in this room beat, maybe everyone."

"But you can't cast any magic as a human," the Mighty Poof says, "Except potions and rune magic."

"You say that as if it were a handicap," Little Blue says, "Tis not, to a strong enough practitioner of the art."

I find that statement interesting. "So, any questions or comments?"

"Just one," the Mighty Poof says, "You need bodyguards. For one, the knowledge of a dozen pony lifetimes now resides in your head. Two, you are vastly more valuable to the future Empress as a person who can listen in on the most sensitive conversations, and yet be given not even second look. No cloak of invisibility of legend would serve as well. Third, there is talk about 'teaching the arrogant pup a lesson'. Some is directed at you, some at Cadence. The congruence of these puts you both at risk. Cadence for you being held for ransom, you for answering for the kidnappers' rather messy exit from this world."

While Pink, Fleur and The Great White are shocked, Little Blue, Muttonchops, Armor and Philomena all chuckle.

"We have your human, and we'll pay you a hundred million bits to come pick him up," Fancypants says and chuckles, "But only if you hurry."

It was sometime after the meeting when I was alone with The Great White and Little Blue in the day room. "I read your papers and journals. I think I know why you left all that behind when you moved up here. It wasn't the structure of the building that was shaky. It was the structure of the government," I tell the Great White and Little Blue.

"You read all that?" Little Blue exclaims and glances around nervously.

I scratch her behind the ears, nearly reducing her to a puddle of goo. "I got your permission," I reply, "Not every day, but periodically."

This mollifies Little Blue, but the Great White is still on tenterhooks.

"It tells a story, not of rulers, but of traveling wizards. People dispensing advice, cures, blessings on babies and marriages, and rarely if ever getting deeply involved. Discord did much the same further north around Canterlot, the humans already named him a trickster, but propitiated him with games and tricks and clever riddles." I look at the Great White. "They did the same with you."

The Great White became the Great Salmon as she scuffed her hoof in a figure eight on the floor.

"You and Luna looked over the cows, and sheep," I say.

"Please stop," the Great White says and squeezes her eyes against the tears.

"And horses," I say, and the Great White turns away. I stroke her neck and let her cry.

"When they arrived, you saw them as friends, as all the Equestrians had been friends. It isn't your fault you didn't see them as a conquering Imperial power," I tell her, "Neither you, nor Luna, nor even Discord were prepared for the storm that was breaking on your shores."

"But they weren't friends," The Great White admits, "The windingos drew our attention. Then they decided . . . to 'put us in our place.'"

"I read the accounts, especially yours and Luna's" I tell her, "They slaughtered the horses, as an affront to 'pony'ness. Only the colony in Saddle Arabia survived. And they struck at the humans, transforming them into what they are now. Then you hit back."

"Yes." The Great White looks at me with worry.

I step in to run my fingers through her mane and hug her with my arms. "You were facing an implacable, arrogant enemy, and you hadn't had to fight anything before. Everyone knew and respected you, even Discord would listen to you." I felt her nod against me, then rub her head on my back as her wings wrapped around me. "You destroyed the unicorn council while Luna ripped control of the sun and the moon from them. That's why there's no ceremonial magic any more, forty unicorns together neatly did the job you did."

"Yes, while we were fighting the unicorns, Discord went mad, humans were his favorites, he's never forgiven the ponies for what they did and he couldn't undo," Celestia says, she sounds almost wistful. "The machines they had quit working, or worked wrong, or chased them around. Legions of pegasi woke with bat wings, or butterfly wings. Or trapped in cloud homes without any wings at all. Many simply committed suicide, because a - "

"Because a pegasus without wings is just a mud dauber," I say, "I read the accounts. The fact he used their own hatreds and prejudices against them does explain how he could claim he 'never killed anypony', all he had to do was weaken one political faction, and the others would kill them themselves. Then you put a stop to him."

"After he'd thoroughly traumatized them," the Great White says.

"And they'd thoroughly traumatized you and your sister. It's why you didn't realize she'd gone insane."

"Nightmare Moon was not Luna," she says sharply.

I gesture for Luna to keep quiet for a moment. "I'm talking about her getting jealous about the affections of a pack of bloodthirsty maniacs who slaughtered a quarter of your people, and enslaved the rest. She went mad and so did you, by being forced to go from wandering wise women, to rulers of the ponies who'd inflicted so much harm on your people. Humans aren't the only ones the ponies still hold in chains, sheep and cows are enslaved still. Although they avoided the fate of the humans and horses, but all they did and built has been lost, save the Castle of the Pony Sisters. She wanted to strike back as hard as she could, you held yourself back from simply mopping the floor with them, and since she couldn't rationalize her hating you for saving them, she had to conjure a reason to hate you. Even if it made no sense, better if it made no sense."

"Is there a way . . . ?" the Great White asks.

"Not without undoing the spell that defeated the Windingos and kept the peace among the tribes," I say, "They had to put their contempt for each other someplace. If the Crystal Empire wasn't part of their spell, which Sombra's behavior tends to indicate it wasn't -"

The Great White glances, presumably in Pink's direction though she's not in the room. "So her rise to the throne?"

"Maybe Humanity's only chance to regain their humanity," I tell her, "I think you can guess whose side I'm on."

It was unusual to have all three alicorns together in the day time, but they wanted to personally approve Muttonchops' selection of my guards. I think they also wanted to watch other ponies completely freak out at the idea of a talking human.

"Uh, you always can understand pony talk? Hear good and makes words?" Left Front asks.

"Did someone give her a concussion? She's sounding like she's had recent brain damage," I reply. Which has all the alicorns snickering, and Left Front going through a full spectrum of colored emotions.

"I'd take that as a yes," Right Rear says, "That also explained how he just 'happened' to buy replacement peanut butter of exactly the right kind."

"Peanut butter?" the Great White asks as she raises her head off my chest.

I have no idea why Pink and the Great White are such cuddle-bugs right now. But maybe now that they don't have anything to hide, and that I am a sapient who approves, it makes them willing to express their affection.

"She violated the suggestion that peanut butter is to be taken internally," I supply. "Although broadly speaking it did wind up internal."

All of the guards are aghast, either from their stoic commander's actions, or from participating in the actions.

"I don't want to know," Pink says.

"Now you understand why we want to keep it a secret," the Great White says, "Ponies loosen their tongues around humans. And a human who can listen is a great advantage as a spy."

The guards all nod.

Left Rear gets a weird expression. "So, we finally get to ask a human. Which of us is prettiest?"

I suddenly understand how Zeus felt when Eris rolled in her golden apple. But I'm smarter than that serial rapist. If someone did that to me at a wedding, I'd turn to Hera, the goddess of marriages, and declare the bride is always the most beautiful woman alive on her wedding day, and Hera and I would give the apple to the goddess whose wedding it was. It gets me out of the immediate jam, and uses my wife's own statements against her.

In this case, this is the pony equivalent of 'does this dress make me look fat?' Always go on the offensive.

"Well most people misuse the word 'pretty'. Some mean cute, some mean beautiful and some mean pretty, so since you'll want the answers to all three anyway, I'll give them to you. First of all, Princesses Cadence, Luna and Celestia take the crowns of all three. Sorry ladies, to be honest, no other pony can compete with them in any of the three categories." This mollifies the guards, and Parasol, but not the princesses, who are observing closely. "Princess Luna is the cutest. Cute is the reaction you have to baby animals and our own offspring. There needs to be an endearing awkwardness that makes you want to hug them until they feel better."

"I am not 'endearingly awkward'," Little Blue insists, but her nervous glance to the Great White just makes everyone in the room want to agree, and then hug her.

The Great White does exactly that. "He didn't say you weren't pretty, or beautiful, he just said you were the cutest."

"So who is the prettiest?" Pink asks.

"You are," I reply, "But pretty has a certain fragility, like a porcelain doll you put into a glass case for fear of damaging it when you dust. Not to say you don't have the inner loveliness and strength that makes someone truly beautiful, but people, ponies especially seem to want to keep you clean, unruffled and pretty. Spattered in mud, chasing a greased pig or a half-bathed foal isn't what most ponies think of when Princess Mi Amore Cadenza is mentioned. When you rescued the Crimson Death, they weren't really frightened that you'd be harmed by the monster, but that your prettiness would be tarnished. It's also why you're 'Pink.' Cuteness is why Princess Luna is 'Little Blue', and her Majesty is 'the Great White'."

Pink nods thoughtfully.

"After the pony-eating shark?" Little Blue asks and giggles.

"Exactly," I reply, my seriousness silencing Little Blue, "Beauty is not a thing for the eyes, but a thing for the spirit. A rattlesnake can be beautiful, a summer storm can be beautiful, as can an aunt and older sister can be beautiful. But beauty carries a sense of awe with it, and a tinge of fear. Beauty is a force, unlike prettiness or cuteness which are attributes. Don't pout Luna, you are very beautiful. Equestia Games Silver Medal caliber, but your sister takes the gold. But that same beauty puts her a distant third in the cuteness you and Cadence excel at."

"I'm not cute?" the Great White asks as she gives the most adorable pout.

"Your Highness," I tell Pink, "No ice cream until you've shown her how it's done."

"No ice cream?" Pink pouts at the Great White.

The Great White kicks her game into high gear. The face that made a thousand ships slink home in self-loathing and think about their lives. Pink firewalls the throttle and lets out a little sniffle. Proving that the Elements were the gentler option when dealing with Discord.

Little Blue steps between them and glances with big, watery eyes at each of them. "Can't we all be friends?"

Right Front breaks down in sobs. "I'm such a bad pony!"

Then I let them have it. In an instant all three alicorn princesses are reduced to slack-jawed statues, eyes wide and staring. The guards are utterly paralyzed. I let out a sniffle and a tear runs down my cheek.

The 'Three Princesses War' is reduced to a schoolyard squabble when the heavyweight champion of the world steps into the ring.

Pink breaks first. "WAH! I'm so sorry Percy for putting you through that!" she insists as she nearly hugs me in two. The follow-up nuzzles from the Great White and Little Blue, and the requests for forgiveness would be comical.

Except poor Armor shows up at that point, and as the only pony not currently in tears, he's suddenly facing his sovereign demanding, "I am a good pony, aren't I? Please tell me I'm a good pony!"

Armor shows the conscientious officer he is. "Sergeant!"

Muttonchops gives Armor a glare that is practically Assault with Intent, then gently takes a tearful princess aside to reassure her of her inherent goodness. Armor gives me a glare set on 'disintegrate'. I look properly ashamed and he nearly joins Pink and Little Blue in the group hug.

Muttonchops has calmed down the Great White and the others are coming around as well.

"You keep that up and we're going to bottle you and fire you at our next enemy," Muttonchops says low. Not a threat, just a statement of intent. "And don't try on me, I've got grandkids. The guards, talk to them."

It never worked on Tirek. You need empathy and a conscience. But I have the power to be master of all ponies! Bwah ha ha! But who'd want to be?

The pony that enters looks like one of Luna's thestrals, nearly solid black, except he's a unicorn, and almost as small as Dust Bunny. He's looking around nervously as a voice announces. "Princess tears, now on sale aisle seven."

It breaks the spell. Muttonchops and Armor roll their eyes. They'd expected this behavior, and it gives me a chance to have a little fun.

"So, you're a ventriloquist, and a mimic," I say as I walk up to the pony and look him in the eyes, "Just not as good as me."

His jaw drops as his eyes dart from pony to pony. The Great White is staring at the ceiling. Little Blue is looking haughty and regal. Pink is laughing into her wing. Armor is drinking a glass of water. And Muttonchops is simply smiling at the newcomer.

"One of your new guards," Muttonchops says.

If the uni-thestral's jaw was going to drop farther, it would fall off. He points at me, his eyes roll up in his head and he collapses.

"I had the same reaction," the Great White says, "But we weren't just talking." The others nervously giggle.

Who walks in next nearly has me following Parrot Boy's behavior. She's huge for one, I mean bigger than Celestia. And she's a horse. A deep chestnut with a white blaze on her nose and white 'stocking' on her well-feathered feet. This kind of a horse should be hauling a Budweiser wagon. Yet she ducks through the door and manages not to step on anything or any one as she daintily picks her way through the room. Despite full plate armor, she makes no more noise that any of the unarmored ponies. "Your Highness." She bows her head.

"Sreh Alryah, this is Percy, he is a great friend of mine. I would be honored if you kept him safe," Celestia says.

She bows again.

"He can also talk and reason like a pony. Better than most in fact," Celestia adds.

Her big brown eyes regard me with shock.

"Now this is what I meant by cute. So earnest and hope filled you just want to hug her and tell her the world isn't all bad," I tell the assembled group. The Princesses and the Four Corners nod.

"You, you think I'm . . . cute?" she asks and looks at me shyly, her hoof scuffing at the carpet.

I think I may have competition in the adorableness category.

"I think you're a gentle, flower of a lady, Swift Wind, born in the body of a warrior who could make himself king by his own hoof," I tell her in Saddle Arabian. I think I managed decent poetry of the line.

Her ears shoot up and she backs a pace in shock, but still doesn't step on anyone or break anything. "You speak Saddle Arabian too?" she asks in Equestrian.

"Yes," I tell her.

She's near panic when Celestia speaks, also in Saddle Arabian. "There are humans who can, they are exceptionally rare, and not discussed. He responds best to gentleness and firm strength. So you were the perfect choice."

Swift Wind takes a few deep breaths, then bows to Celestia. "I will do my very best," she replies in Equestrian.

"I have never thought otherwise," Celestia says in Equestrian, then adds in an ancient dialect, in a form that would become the Royal Canterlot voice, but can be spoken in a whisper, "She is very submissive because of her upbringing, so you will always be the dominant one in your relationship. If you abuse her, you will answer to me." It's all said in a pleasant tone, with Celestia smiling.

"I will do my very best," I reply in Modern Equestrian. She grins and nods. "Besides you could just pinch off my," I add in the ancient dialect, "Access."

She goes from alarmed to embarrassed, then sticks her tongue out at me.

I hear Parrot Boy stirring. A glance at Muttonchops indicates that Parrot Boy has no such defenders among the guard. "Are you feeling all right?" I ask the pony as he struggles to his feet, "You were babbling about humans talking, then you passed out."

"Yeah, I -" he says, locks eyes with me and lets out a little giggle. Then he returns to the Land of Nod.

"I'm going to start calling him Yo-yo, not Parrot Boy."

Swift Wind is still looking around with a growing panic. I reach up and begin scratching her behind the ears. She drops her head so it rests against my chest, a faint snuffling as she gets my scent. I see the expression on the other ponies. Yes, they understand the difference between cute and pretty.

The other big change is with the Great White. She's suddenly become a lot less interested in the 'hurt me' roleplaying in our having sex. She's more accepting, even encouraging of me just being gentle with her. Whether this is due to Swift Wind's intense embarrassment at 'guarding' me during these times, or some other reason it's a very welcome change. I hope with Little Blue recovering and becoming more accepted, that the Great White is forgiving herself for the events of the ancient past. As a neutral observer who'd gone over the records from multiple sources, I can't see any way else it could have gone. None of them had a human's natural vicious streak to see the poor, initial refugees as the threat they were.

Ponies were the parasprites of their day. So cute, and so dangerous.

I am heading back to my room in Cadence's apartment after a particularly long session with the Great White when I see her.

I glance around and see no sign of Swift Wind, but half the time I don't see her. For somepony who could flatten any door or gate in the castle, I'm amazed by her ability to disappear into the wood work.

The small, saber-toothed, bug pony looks at me. "You aren't from around here, are you?"

I keep my shock from my face as I verify again we are apparently alone. "No, I'm not from Canterlot."

This makes the bug pony smile and switch to an obscure dialect of ancient Equestrian. "Not Canterlot, not Equestria, not this planet. There are humans who periodically drop in. Humans from another world, a very different world."

"Do tell," I reply in the same language.

"I'm a changeling. We feed on strong emotions. Love primarily, but hate and fear are also food, just unpleasant. The ponies are a thin gruel, unless you masquerade as someone they care about. The native humans are a much richer diet, but beings like you, humans from the other world, are like an ever-changing banquet for hundreds. The native humans used to be like that. We did for them what pegasi and earth ponies do for their agriculture, make it rain, enhance the soil, that kind of thing."

"Then the refugees came," I say, "From the other continent. You didn't fight them."

"We hadn't considered large-scale fighting in living memory, we had barely recorded fighting the last war, and most of us couldn't even conceive of having to fight one. There seemed to be resources for all. Then the ponies' hatred overwhelmed us. The occasional angry human was one thing, these creatures seemed to live to destroy each other. 'If I take one with me, then my death is acceptable.'"

"I've met people like that," I reply.

"As soon as they crushed us, they discovered each other, and fell on each other again," the bug pony says.

"Then Discord softened them up, and Celestia put them under her iron hoof. But none of this explains why you say outrageous things," I say. I mentally wince at sounding like a bad anime dub, but the old dialect doesn't have certain concepts.

The bug pony hadn't noticed. "We find the humans like you, as many as we can. You were captured before we could reach you, and all attempts to either steal you, or purchase you failed. For that I, for myself and the rest of my people, apologize."

"That is an interesting story, but it is hardly credible," I reply, "Anyone can say anything, and that you believe I fell from the sky doesn't mean I did."

The bug pony screws up its face. "Does the name Ambrose Bierce mean anything to you?"

Schooling my face completely against that shock is intensely difficult. The triumphal look from the bug pony tells me that even if my expression had been perfect, my inner turmoil would have given me away. Most modern Americans wouldn't know the name, but to hear it in Equestria is a shock beyond measure.

I had one card left, so I played it. "Whatever I might have been before encountering Discord. All I am now is an Equestria dragon under a spell that makes me seem human. I am merely one step away from reverting," I tell the bug. "And on reverting, seeing everyone around me as no more than delicious food."

Suddenly I'm facing a smaller version of myself, human, then dragon. "Then I am here at the right time, and in the right place." The bug pony reappears. "As for the rest, I can help with that too. I followed you on Nightmare Night day, and had hazy dreams of having followed you a dozen or more times. I felt the hunger gnaw at you. Do you think you are the only one who struggles with seeing people you care about only as food?"

"Yes, actually," I reply.

The bug pony rolls its eyes, I think, hard to tell with an eye that's either all iris or iris and sclarea the same color. "Touche."

Another human statement.

"In any case, you are not. It is difficult, but even for a creature who sees love and many positive emotions as little more than sustenance, we can still feel fondness for some, and can desire their triumph in love and life over others. While more pragmatic and detached than 'love', and difficult to master, the technique would give you hope."

"Thank you," I reply, "I have some time. If you do as well, can you follow me?"

The little redheaded human glanced around. "Is it safe?"

"I'll protect you," I assure her.

She nods and falls in behind me, clinging to my hand. I'm struck by the similarity to a real, little girl with her father. I wonder how much is practice and how much is genuine concern.

I hear no sign of Swift Wind as we descend into the depths of the prison. The first time she gives herself away is as she gallops across the bridge well after we'd passed over it and began climbing down the rocks to the lake. The girl freezes and waits, her distrust of ponies etched on her face.

I decide not to tell her that what is pursuing us is not a pony, but a horse. I do wonder if Swift Wind's Saddle Arabians have legends of the changelings, and if the changelings remember the horses.

The Lady of the Lake is waiting for us at the shoreline. "Tell her what you told me," I tell the horrified changeling, who is so frightened she completely loses her disguise.

She stammers through it, but it is coherent enough. Oddly enough, the Lady of the Lake seems equally tongue tied.

"Is she actually a changeling?" the huge creature says, sounding like a desert traveler too often fooled by mirages, that she doubts an actual pool of water. She draws close, dozens of eyed tentacles looking at the changeling from all directions.

The changeling looks around, looks at me, and when I nod, shifts through several forms, including my own.

"I thought you were all dead," the Lady of the Lake says happily, "What do you need?"

"We need your trust, and his," the changeling says.

"And we need to be ready to move your teams to the Crystal Empire when it reappears. The spell affecting the humans doesn't extend to that territory," I tell them, "A lot has happened in the last couple days. More for me than most, so I'll give you the run down."

The climb back to the bridge is tougher because the changeling keeps freezing up as she, he, it? tries to deal with the situation. Swift Wind looks down on us with a tranquil fury.

"I am supposed to be watching you," she says.

"You were, but from up there," I reply, "There's some delicate political maneuverings going on and you are better off not knowing. Besides, if things had gone badly, you would have heard me yelling." I glance around. "Where's your partner?"

"He's still asleep," she says.

"Damn, I thought that drop of water on the ear trick would work on both of you," I reply.

"You did that?" she asks.

"Oh course, I'm not going to go wandering without some back up, and I couldn't figure a quiet enough method to wake you both, other than that."

"I'm sorry, I thought you were evading me," she says.

"Just trying to keep you close enough to charge to the rescue," I reply.

"Thank you."

"We ought to include you in the training sessions. Give you a bit more confidence around their Highnesses. If you're going to be looking after me, you're going to be dealing with them a lot."

Suddenly I am dealing with two people exceeding their comfortable grasp on reality.

Morning brings a new addition to the breakfast table, aside from the Great White and Little Blue having breakfast with Pink and Armor, rather than in their 'aircraft carrier hanger' main dining room. All of them look expectantly at me as I look at the bottle. Within a moment, I have a swift answer. "No."

"But these pills will deal with your cravings for meat," Pink says.

"I don't have 'cravings' for meat. I simply require more protein that you to remain healthy. Eggs and cheese will provide most of what I need, and I'm not adverse to some of the more 'interesting' collations the chefs have come up with," I tell them. "Besides, the math is on my side."

"Math?" the Great White asks.

"Of the five big cities in Equestria: Canterlot, Vanhoover, Manehatten, Fillydelphia and Baltimare, only three have an active fighting ring at any given time. One or two has been busted by the Guard, or has moved to another city. Typically there are three bouts a week, although the first week or two that goes up to five, but it's usually three. The bouts are three hours, and each individual fight lasts five minutes, including set up and clean up."

Little Blue is following doing the math as I lay it out.

"In the smaller cities and towns there's four running at any given time. The bouts are once a week and run two hours, and the same five minutes per fight"

"Wait a moment, why would the fighting rings change cities if they are still drawing crowds," the Great White asks, her fascination with this morbid topic embarrasses her, but her curiosity over rides it.

"The way the fight game works is, you start with the small stable of fighters you arrive in town with, ten to twenty, and you buy say one hundred new humans. Thirty of them are for fighting, and the other seventy are for dying. That is you've got thirty with the brains and self-discipline to learn how to be pit fighters. After four to five weeks, you've run through most of the humans for dying, and maybe even used one or two or five of the ones for fighting. So you head for the next city, until you've done a circuit of three to five of the cities, and picked up a bunch of potentials in your stable. So you pack up, and go to the small towns. There you scope out the local talent, and you trade two or three, or five of your potentials for the impressive local talent and put them in with the stable you take back to the big city." I think for a moment. "Where was I? Oh yes, I left out human teams versus animals, the human versus minotaur, pony, griffon, and of course grand melees. About half the fights end in an actual death, the other half one or both are crippled. And the fighters tend to weigh 100 to 130 pounds a piece. That works out to about 10,000 pounds of corpses that must be disposed of every week."

"Were you put through that course? Humans for fighting/dying, then a local champion?" Pink asks.

"No. After a couple bouts, they put me in the stable of experienced fighters. They used me for 'Spectaculars!' where I'd face a fierce animal, or a sapient foe. Alone. Even fought a timberwolf once," I tell her.

"That's horrible," she replies.

"Better than dying, although my first fight when we moved into the small towns was against a couple of old champions who'd gone a little funny in the head. Meaning they were a danger to everyone around them. I cannot tell you what an unvarnished joy it is facing two fighters with 12 to 15 years experience, ten of it working together, both of them completely oblivious to any concept of decency or restraint, and bat-shit crazy to boot."

"I assume you defeated them?" the Great White says, then facehoofs, "No, of course, you died there, never mind."

"I used every dirty trick I could. Of course the crowd loved every second of it. Fortunately, the thin spears they gave me, they're for punching through armor of big bugs, or rhinoceroses, but they can also be thrown. That made it one against one, and seemed to ramp down the completely crazy. I still had to dispatch that first one because he didn't die easily, and he started throwing things, at me, at the crowd, and the lights."

Armor snorts. He looks around. "I'm sorry, it's funny, in a gallows humor sort of way."

"I managed to get the first, and eventually the second. And one of the spectators offered to buy me, for 10 experienced fighters, an unheard of price. My first owner wouldn't take it, more fool him. We got raided by the guard a week later."

"That's where I . . . " Armor says and his ears folded down, "Sorry."

I shrug. "You didn't know. My second owner had money, so he sent me to the Warmasters. One of them practically adopted me. Offered 1200 riyu, whatever they are, my owner was shocked, but didn't accept the offer."

"Twelve hundred riyu is training with the Warmasters," Armor says, "And you're right, it's a king's ransom."

"Any way, that trail of bodies has always been one of the weaknesses of the rings, that's a lot of weight to get rid of, and in Canterlot you can't rent a boat and dump the bodies in the ocean. So how do you get rid of five tons of meat and bone a week." I grab the bottle and rattle it. Then I smile at the horrified ponies.

"You actually believe this?" the Great White, or rather the Great Celadon asks.

"Can you prove I'm wrong? They've got to be getting their feedstock from somewhere. And it would be a great way to guarantee they had the right mix of proteins and minerals."

'Tan' proves it is possible for a pony to run on just her rear legs, since her forelegs are covering her mouth. She leaves us rather quickly. Swift Wind has proven her name, and has her head in the kitchen sink.

The Great Celadon looks longingly in the direction Tan had so rapidly departed.

"The tub," I suggest, and we are down another alicorn.

"I wish I thought this was a sick jest you had concocted," Little Teal says.

"It isn't that hard to do the analysis," I reply, "So, meat pills are off the table." I hand them back to Armor, who shows a distinct lack of enthusiasm in handling a glass bottle of the very things he wanted me to eat.

"I have a personal question," Little Teal said, fading back to blue, "How dark is the universe you live in?"

"Well, on days when the sun is shining, and there's not a cloud in the sky, and I can feel the love of all my friends surrounding me. It's a very pleasant, Stygian black. And believe you me, that is a tremendous improvement over any previous condition."

"That does confirm my supposition," Little Blue says.

Author's Note

Been thinking about guards, and I saw this picture:
http://i.telegraph.co.uk/multimedia/archive/01414/little-horse_1414911i.jpg

Parrot Boy and Swift Wind were born. No, that isn't Percy.

15S) You Let Spartacus Do WHAT!?

I Am Not Spartacus - You Let Spartacus Do WHAT!?
by Dan's Comments
Based in the 'Your Human and You' universe by MadMaxtheBlack
This story is NOT canon with Your Human and You

DISCLAIMER: My Little Pony is the property of Hasbro, Inc.

The scent of tears woke Cadence slightly. She was half-awake as she reacted to what her sleep-addled brain said was a foal's whimpers and tears. She licked the tears as she nuzzled the foal. "Wha!" she gasped as the grip much stronger than any foal's crushed the breath out of her.

She woke and saw that Percy was clutching her and weeping. She controlled her shock.

"Your nightmare's gone," Armor said stroking the weeping human's shoulders, nuzzling his neck. "It's over, it's all gone."

Armor looked over the Percy to Cadence, he gave her a curious look. She hugged Percy tightly, and shrugged to Armor. She had no idea why he was reacting like this. She hugged Percy and nuzzled him. She could ask what had happened, after he was feeling better. She released a heart, to remind Percy of the love of those around him, and to her astonishment, it went in instead of bouncing off as it always had before.

She and Armor shared a look of astonishment, then glanced at the silently weeping figure, and they began to be afraid for him.

Celestia noted the ponies that Percy had requested had arrived in her day room. The whisper galleries were closed and under guard. This was a private meeting, and it would stay that way. Luna, Philomena and Sergeant Mile Stone she could understand. Fleur de Lis, Fancy Pants and Prince Blueblood stretched her understanding to the breaking point. "We seem a very eclectic group," Celestia said.

Percy's arrival trumped any response. Shining Armor and Princess Cadence were with him. They were extraordinarily worried, and for good reason. Percy didn't just look tired, he looked beaten. As if he'd spent the entire night not partying, but fighting something, and losing. She stifled the urge to rush over and embrace him. She knew the group would mostly understand, but she let his 'owners' comfort him.

They assembled at the table, Celestia felt an odd shift. Typically, wherever she sat became the 'head' of the table, even if the table was round as this one was. Percy had subtly usurped that. She wasn't sure how, but it did indicate that those assembled did care for him. She smiled at that, that he had friends, and a very odd group they were.

"I call to order the one-hundred eighty-seventh meeting of 'Let's discuss the Time Loop that keeps Percy and Tirek trapped and at each others' throats'," he said, sounding exhausted to death but he looked around, "I'll dispense with the old business."

Celestia had expected Fleur and Fancypants to be shocked, and Sergeant Mile Stone to take it in stride. She had not expected Prince Blueblood to take it in stride. Her shock and Mile Stone's at that revelation seemed to match Percy's shock at the old sergeant having penetrated Percy's subterfuge. Cadence and Armor were shocked that only Fleur and Fancypants were shocked.

Let me guess the questions, mine will be how sure he was facing Tirek, Celestia thought.

"Yes, I'm sure it was him. I broke his will and sent him back home to reconcile with his brother."

So that's how he beat him, odd he'd think I'd want to know that. Oh, silly filly, he wants you to know he protected you, Celestia thought, Luna, probably who started this.

"No, it's definitely Discord and I have not sought his help. I managed to get out without resorting to that extreme."

Cadence will want to know if he's well, and what he's been doing. After half-a-year of the same day over and over, no wonder he's tired, Celestia thought as she watched the people at the table.

"I am hanging on. I've read all the Royal Archives, here and in the Castle of the Royal Pony Sisters. I just relieved it's all over."

He read all those books in half a year? No, those must have been weekly meetings at least. Nearly four years, he needs some rest time with us, and a delicate hand, Celestia thought, Armor will ask about Twilight. That would have been my second question.

"Because it takes her most of the 15 hours I have before the midnight reset to convince her I can actually talk, and the rest of the time is not sufficient to convince her of the existence of the time loop. After 50 wasted attempts, I quit involving her. On several occasions at your behest, I tried to convince the entire group. Those were worse than useless."

Ouch. Twilight does cling to orthodoxy like a barnacle. Celestia winced. I have no idea why the next two are here.

"Because you have shown an ability to quickly accept and offer advice, and after all the useful advice, you deserve to know."

"Ditto, and you get a follow up, only with Celestia, I didn't even want to consider cheating on her as the way to break out of the loop."

Me, what, oh he's so sweet, Celestia wasn't sure if she thought it or murmured it, then had a greater revelation, He could have had any mare, and only he'd know. That 'another mare breaks the loop' is all smoke and mirrors. He could have had anyone: mare, stallion, human, griffon, minotaur, dragon even. She stifled the impulse to reach across the table and gather him into a hug. But he saw her radiant smile and smiled back. Shocking a few of the others because 'humans can't smile'. That does it. The first suitably strange human I find, I'm sending to Twilight. She needs someone as loyal as Spike, and as loving as Percy. Satisfied, she cringed at the 'answer' to Blueblood.

"Because the first loop I remember, you sent the palace gardeners and your guards to take down Tirek. Non-magic humans against a manavore, then and in many of the other meeting, you showed good thinking and you deserve to know what happened."

Him?! Celestia thought as she felt her worldview being picked up and violently shaken.

"Of course I can understand you, I spent four months mastering your language. As well as mastering a dozen-and-a-half other ancient languages and sub-tongues."

Of course he'd want to actually 'talk' to his chief coconspirator, Celestia thought, What would he say to the sergeant?

"Of course, I know that you know, now you know that I know you know." Both males glanced at Celestia and Luna. "And I'm going to stop it there, because we once went on for 45 minutes before their Highnesses took me at my word about the time loop, and gleefully put both of us in the hospital."

Mile Stone stared right at Princess Celestia and raised an eye brow before nodding.

Percy turned back to her. So how did he figure this out? Celestia wondered.

"Tirek seemed aware he was in a loop at the stroke of midnight and the loop reset with the last chime of the clocks, and I became aware after I heard him say 'Not again', the next morning I was aware too, but I'm aware from the instant I awaken. This morning was different."

Lulu will wonder how Percy beat him, Celestia thought, I can think of several extremely gruesome answers.

"By making him see all his excuses as hollow as they were, and making him want to reconcile with his brother. Then it was open the portal and step out of the way."

Interesting, not what I would have expected, Celestia thought on Cadence's expression, She'll want to know if he ever went out and had fun. 'All work and no play makes Twilight a dull pony'.

"Occasionally one of you would decide that you believed me on the spot and decided to take advantage of the day being erased. Celestia took me flying, to the Wonderbolt's incredible jealousy."

Celestia smirked at that, then let Percy continue, "Luna has done all day poetry readings. The custard war would have taken weeks to clean up otherwise. So yes, I've taken time off to have fun. I only counted the meetings that stayed meetings."

Recreation, I know what Shining Armor is going to ask about, Celestia thought.

"Absolutely not, I would regularly wander off and throw myself off the edge of the city. I think I'd do that even if I wasn't in a timeloop."

What would Fancy Pants ask? Celestia wondered.

"On your suggestion, yes I did. I think Discord was furious by the chaos a simple marriage proposal caused. Although sticking that box on his nose will pay greater dividends in the long-run."

Celestia foolishly thought a single snort would vent her mirth. It overwhelmed her and she began laughing at the thought of Discord's reaction to that game. Discord nothing, imagine the nobles'! she thought and nearly fell over.

"A gentleman never discusses those things."

What?! Celestia thought, interrupting her laughter.

"Carrot sticks and peanut butter."

"What?!" Celestia shouted.

Percy told her, "The questions aren't related the way you think."

Celestia was slightly mollified by this as Percy turned to Philomena.

"Yes we have, and if we give out too many more details, they'll put us in irons. The box will punish Discord in a way that the others will allow."

Philomena chirped, "Serves the monster right. I still think you should have killed him."

Before Celestia could scold Philomena, Cadence exclaimed, "That's what that thing on Discord's nose is!" Cadence looked around the table. "I saw half the Wonderbolts pressing that button and talking about it."

Percy nodded to Cadence, then raised an eyebrow to Philomena. The phoenix shrugged.

She'll accept an eternity of Discord being punished, over simply killing him, Celestia thought and decided to have a talk with her friend later. The sergeant will wonder how far he went with Tirek.

"Initially, I tracked him back to a perfect ambush point and dropped a concrete vase on his head then dumped the body in a large trash can. Or I knocked him out with a potion and did other things, like return him to Tartarus. Finally, I learned enough about his psychology I was able to tear his worldview to pieces with just a few well-chosen sentences, and convinced him to return home. Since unless I changed someone's behavior, they'd follow the exact same patterns. I swung into the throne room on a chandelier and announced I was the Dread, Deadly, Dancer the Pink Flamenco, and had captured their princess. I kissed Celestia, and the entire court went nuts, the exact same way, every time."

How long did that go on? she wondered.

"A week. And you just sat there stunned every time. There was also the python and cobra, occasionally."

Please don't explain that, please don't explain that, please don't explain that! she thought as she blushed.

"I won't answer and in multiple meetings, neither will her Highness."

Celestia sighed.

Percy glanced around the table. "Okay, that's old business. I should have you all thinking, any new questions, comments, clarifications?"

Shining Armor took the lead. "The box with the button you stuck on Discord?"

Percy grinned tiredly. "It tells him not to push the button, since that's all he can do, it should drive him completely crazy."

Philomena and Lulu nodded their approval.

Cadence glanced around and asked, "Did you ever let Tirek win? Let him absorb all the ponies' magic?"

For the first time, Percy looked disturbed. "Once. It seems there is a fail - not failsafe, more like a fail-deadly. A green and purple alicorn who seemed to think Tirek a 'puny god.' She did things to Tirek even I never replicated." Percy shuddered and looked at Celestia while she studied the inlay in the ceiling. "Although I did use her to terrify him from time to time."

Cadence looked intently at everyone looking at her. "Me?" she asked, looking and sounding as put upon.

If she only knew, Celestia thought as Cadence pouted at her, and she pouted back. Then she stared at Sergeant Mile Stone who was pouting very effectively at Cadence.

"How else does a sergeant affect a general?" the old soldier asked, making both Diarchs and his commander facehoof. Cadence giggled and gestured to indicate she wanted to take lessons. And Armor nearly tried to forbid the exchange of that information.

After stifling a giggle, Luna said, "Too bad all your learning is only stored in your head, the accumulation of all that would be fascinating." Luna grinned at that. A look at Percy's stoic expression eliminated all laughter.

He carefully set a black crystal on the table and looked at Luna and Celestia. Celestia nodded to Luna. "I did think of that, and stored all the studies." He carefully slid it across the table to Luna who took it almost reverently.

"The accumulated knowledge of the one person who can say 'I've read more books on magic than Armor's sister,'" Percy said, and for the first moment really smiled, but it was brief.

"I almost doubt that," Armor said and the others chuckled.

Again, Percy's grim mood dampened the laughter as he explained, "I quit counting around 50,000 days."

Celestia reeled as she heard that. I'd been assuming weeks or months, not centuries! she thought as she shot Luna and Cadence a warning glance. We'll, have to keep a careful eye on him. Why he's not a gibbering mad thing is beyond comprehension.

"I stopped counting a long time ago. Say it was 200,000 days, that's over 500 years. Most of that was studying," he calmly told them.

His placid demeanor became more explicable. He's lived with the same people longer than ponies generally lived, Celestia thought as she tried to understand virtual immortality being thrust upon a mortal creature, And he's seen all their behaviors, even causing some of the extreme ones.

"I think I've got most people in this room beat, maybe everyone."

That wasn't a boast, it was a lament, Celestia realized and wished she was sitting next to him, instead of across the table.

"But you can't cast any magic as a human." Blueblood actually managed a look of calculation. "Except potions and rune magic."

"You say that as if it were a handicap," Lulu said, ignoring who had the good idea and concentrating on the idea, "Tis not, to a strong enough practitioner of the art."

"So, any questions or comments?" Percy asked with a sardonic air, as if challenging them to surprise him.

"Just one," Blueblood said, and managed to shock everyone, from the insight, and the delicacy and concern with which it was offered, "You need bodyguards."

Percy looked ready to protest, but Blueblood waved him off. "For one, the knowledge of a dozen pony lifetimes now resides in your head." He waited for Percy to acknowledge that, however grudgingly. "Two, you are vastly more valuable to the future Empress as a person who can listen in on the most sensitive conversations, and yet be given not even a second look. No cloak of invisibility of legend would serve as well." Cadence looked a little ashamed at Blueblood's suggestion, but Mile Stone gave Blueblood a thoroughly appraising look, as if seeing him for the first time. "Third, there is talk about 'teaching the arrogant pup a lesson'. Some is directed at you, some at Cadence. The congruence of these puts you both at risk. Cadence for you being held for ransom, you for answering for the kidnappers' rather messy exit from this world." He snickered, breaking the tension and giving even Percy permission to laugh.

To keep from laughing, Celestia and Cadence feigned the horror that Fleur genuinely felt. While Lulu, Mile Stone, Armor and Philomena all chuckled along with Blueblood and Percy.

"We have your human, and we'll pay you a hundred million bits to come pick him up," Fancypants said and chuckled, "But only if you hurry."

Luna had watched the meeting break up, and she had remained behind with Tia and Percy. What she'd already scanned in the crystal terrified her. She could sense the draconic influence in the writing, and in his durability to the passage of time. She and Tia had to shake things up a bit periodically, just to remain sane. He had suffered through the same day over and over for near-countless repetitions with only his action changing things. If any of us had a reason to hate Discord before, Luna thought, We have much more reason now. I think I might see clear to allow some of Philomena's ideas to be used. Although he might have sufficient experience to know what would truly torture the draconequus.

He stood aside from them as the others left. Not patient, but indelibly marked and weary. He doesn't know if this day will repeat endlessly. That he will awake, and again inform us. And awake again to the same day, she realized, Each day, a new key, a form of immortality I would not wish on anypony. He has only a human's span of days, but if each day lasts into centuries, is that any way to live?

He closed the door, and stood at it, as if sensing the wards seal the room from prying eyes and listening ears. After a moment he approached. Luna could tell that Tia wanted nothing more than to throw herself at him and hug the stuffings out of him. She restrained herself, but Luna felt the tension.

"I went through all your papers and journals," he said and nodded towards the Castle of the Pony Sisters, "I think I know why you left all that behind when you moved up here."

He sounds sorry, for us. After everything he's been through, he is trying to assuage our pain and worries! Luna thought, and moved herself to the 'tackle-hug' contingent.

"It wasn't the structure of the building that was shaky. It was the structure of the government," he said, not judging them on their initial foolishness, or mocking the mystique they'd thrown up over the centuries.

"You read - all - of it?" Luna asked, trying to imagine his reaction to her slow descent into madness. Her journal contained all of her hate until she couldn't control it anymore.

How can he not hate and fear me, and Tia? He just sounds tired, and apologetic, she thought and tried not to betray her emotions.

He began scratching both behind their ears, and both sisters rested their heads on his shoulders. "I got your permission," he explained, "Not every day, but periodically."

Luna nodded and snugged against him, but even she could sense 'Tia's unease.
He continued in an almost dreamlike tone as if scratching them put him in the same state they were in. "It tells a story, not of rulers, but of traveling wizards. People dispensing advice, cures, blessings on babies and marriages, and rarely if ever getting deeply involved. Discord did much the same further north around Canterlot, the humans already named him a trickster, but propitiated him with games and tricks and clever riddles." He chuckled and looked at 'Tia. "They did the same with you."

Princess Celestia Solar Magnificat suddenly looked like a foal caught sneaking cookies. She bowed her head, scuffed the floor nervously and had the most adorable expression.

Her lover found her out, Luna realized, That's what's got her so nervous.

"You and Luna looked over the cows, and sheep," he said in the same tone. But now he was treading on an infected wound.

"Please stop," Celestia pleaded, echoing Luna's own desires.

Luna almost commanded him to stop, but realized, Mine own go with the Elements forced me to face all that had happened without pretense or defense. But 'Tia buried all of that, and she'd let it fester, Luna thought, Until the merest memory is enough to bring her to tears. But the surgeon is gentle, as he lances that pus-filled sore so it can drain. Dragging the wound out into the light and clean air to heal. So his friend and lover can be whole again. She nuzzled him, encouraging to continue.

"And horses," he said.

Predictably, Celestia turned away, tears staining her cheeks. Just as predictably, Percy stepped under her head, and wrapped his arms around her, stroking her neck and letting her cry. Such a thing to be jealous of, Luna warned herself, But Cadence's servant and my friend, but when will somepo - someone care for me like that?

He waited until the worst of it died down, then continued, "When they arrived, you saw them as friends, as all the Equestrians had been friends. It isn't your fault you didn't see them as a conquering Imperial power."

Luna felt a growing shame at her own memories of those days, and wondered, If someone like Percy had been there, would any of that tragedy have happened? Or would it have been a different tragedy? I saw their dreams, and foolishly thought they were the nightmares of terrible trauma. I never expected them to be plans and goals, she thought, I could have warned everyone, but I didn't know. I didn't understand evil. Even Discord wasn't so cruel, then. She felt her own tears as she listened, and was torn between seeking comfort, and letting him concentrate on 'Tia.

"Neither you, nor Luna, nor even Discord were prepared for the storm that was breaking on your shores," he told them.

'Tia stood away from him, and walked over to Luna, gently nuzzling her. "But they weren't friends. The Windingos drew our attention. Then they decided . . . to 'put us in our place.'"

Both of them leaned into each other and cried.

"I read the accounts," he said, moving up to the pair, "Especially yours and Luna's. They slaughtered the horses, as an affront to 'pony'ness. Only the colony in Saddle Arabia survived. And they struck at the humans, transforming them into what they are now." He stroked their noses softly. "Then you hit back."

"Yes," Celestia said, not beloved sister, but the High Queen, and stared at the human, expecting condemnation.

But she will 'die' as she has lived, accepting what she has done and the consequences for it, Luna thought.

Percy smirked at that. He reached up and ran his fingers through her mane and hugged her. 'Tia's look of joy and relief made Luna's heart melt, that her sister had not lost so precious a friend.

His tone was scholarly, he spoke as if lecturing a favorite student, "You were facing an implacable, arrogant enemy, and you hadn't had to fight anything before. Everyone knew and respected you, even Discord would listen to you."

Celestia whimpered happily as she drew both of them into a tight wing hug.

"You destroyed the unicorn council while Luna ripped control of the sun and the moon from them. That's why there's no ceremonial magic any more, forty unicorns together neatly did the job you did," he said, accepting what she did without condemning for it.

He isn't horrified, Luna wondered, What horrors has he seen to accept this so readily. The pit is a few, this was smashing entire nations, then Luna began to fear, Or has he descended into madness so only a few of us are 'real' and all others an abstraction?

They stood that way for a seeming eternity before Celestia spoke again, "Yes, while we were fighting the unicorns, Discord went mad, humans were his favorites, he's never forgiven the ponies for what they did and he couldn't undo." Celestia smiled and tousled Luna's mane with her chin. "Their machines quit working, or worked wrong, or chased them around. Legions of pegasi woke with bat wings, or butterfly wings. Or trapped in cloud homes without any wings at all. Many simply committed suicide, because a - "

"Because a pegasus without wings is just a mud dauber," he said in disgust, easing Luna's fears, if he could still be appalled at that senseless loss of life he was still rational, "I read the accounts. The fact he used their own hatreds and prejudices against them does explain how he could claim he 'never killed anypony', all he had to do was weaken one political faction, and the others would kill them themselves." Then he accused, "Then you put a stop to him."

Celestia sighed sadly. "After he'd thoroughly traumatized them," she said and shook her head in frustration.

"And they'd thoroughly traumatized you and your sister," he countered, "It's why you didn't realize she'd gone insane."

"Nightmare Moon was not Luna," 'Tia scolded him.

That isn't what he said,Luna thought, but didn't interrupt.

He explained, "I'm talking about her getting jealous about the affections of a pack of bloodthirsty maniacs who slaughtered a quarter of your intelligent, speaking allies, and moved to enslave the rest," he said, speaking softly, "She went mad, and so did you. By being forced to go from wandering wise women, to rulers of the ponies who'd inflicted so much harm on your people. Humans aren't the only ones the ponies still hold in chains, sheep and cows are enslaved still. Although they avoided the fate of the humans and horses, but all they did and built has been lost, save the Castle of the Pony Sisters. She wanted to strike back as hard as she could, you held yourself back from simply mopping the floor with them, and since she couldn't rationalize her hating you for saving them, she had to conjure a reason to hate you. Even if it made no sense, better if it made no sense."

Percy paused. Seeing how deeply Celestia was thinking. All three knew the question. We just dread the answer. Luna thought, Either it will be the most massive trauma to the ponies of Equestrian, or it will dash all hope of restoring the humans for all time.

Reluctantly, Celestia asked about the gorilla in the room. "Is there a way . . . ?"

"Not without undoing the spell that defeated the Windingos and kept the peace among the tribes," he said, as if he'd long ago exhausted all chances and was tired of the subject.

He shook his head and stared off into the distance, sounding not sad, or defeated, but tired of the struggle. "They had to put their contempt for each other someplace."

Celestia and Luna nodded at the memory of just how much the three races hated each other, and anything that wasn't their group.

"If the Crystal Empire wasn't part of their spell, which Sombra's behavior tends to indicate it wasn't -" Percy began, and looked to the Diarchs for confirmation.

Celestia gave a sidelong glance to Luna, urging her to keep quiet, before she asked Percy, "So her rise to the throne?"

"Maybe Humanity's only chance to regain their humanity," Percy told them.

Celestia relaxed, knowing that Percy had stumbled upon one of their longest running schemes. He seems to support it, Luna thought.

Percy sighed, and became all business. The same mind and instincts that ruthlessly won all those pit fights, and crafted the persona that let him survive undetected for five years looked out of their friend's face. "I think you can guess whose side I'm on."

I almost feel sorry for Sombra, Luna thought, and from her expression saw Celestia thought the same and approved.

What is it they say about becoming an adult? 'When you're more interested in someone liking your presents than you are in getting your own, you're an adult, Cadence thought as she and the Diarchs awaited the arrival of Armor, Mile Stone and Percy's new guards in her apartment. She looked at 'Aunt' Celestia, and she was as nervous as Cadence ever remembered seeing her. Even Hearth's Warming Eve present for Twilight wasn't this nerve wracking, Cadence thought, Although with Twilight, as long as it had words, and she didn't already have it, it was a good present. 'Shopping' for Percy is a lot more difficult.

Her own guards were not dealing with the reality of Percy being able to talk and think particularly well, especially considering some of the things they'd said about him, with him often standing there. They were still making fools of themselves, using baby-talk, and pidgin Equestrian, and having Percy reply like a university professor. That thought almost made her giggle, she could see him in a class of difficult foals, and after explaining some of the more gruesome parts of his career, turning into the sweetest, most engaging teacher you could ever want. She imagined 'lending' him to Twilight for a lecture or two, and nearly let that laugh get away from her.

Celestia chided the guards gently from her spot snuggled up against Percy. "Now you understand why we want to keep it a secret. Ponies loosen their tongues around humans. And a human who can listen is a great advantage as a spy."

The guards all nodded.

Not good, Cadence thought as she saw the expression on Lonely Tears.

"Which of us is prettiest?"

Cadence readied herself to intercede, when Percy simply answered, "Well most people misuse the word 'pretty'. Some mean cute, some mean beautiful and some mean pretty, so since you'll want the answers to all three anyway, I'll give them to you."

Whew, Cadence thought, then recognized the look on Percy's face and braced for a hurricane. Even Celestia sensed the coming storm.

"First of all, Princesses Cadence, Luna and Celestia take the crowns of all three."

Okay, that takes the guards out of it, Cadence thought, The three of us are thicker skinned than that.

"Sorry ladies," Percy told the disappointed guards, "To be honest, no other pony can compete with them in any of the three categories."

But here it comes, Cadence thought as she caught Luna's and Celestia's sudden interest in the subject. They aren't concerned about that are they?

"Princess Luna is the cutest."

What?! I'm cute! I'm adorable! Cadence wanted to shout.

"Cute is the reaction you have to baby animals and our own offspring. There needs to be an endearing awkwardness that makes you want to hug them until they feel better."

Okay, not being the cutest might be okay, Cadence thought and smothered a giggle in her hoof.

Luna was not amused. "I am not," she said with grave hauteur, " 'endearingly awkward'." She glanced to Celestia, who shook her head slightly. Luna's expression at this betrayal made everyone in the room want to rush over and hug her.

"He didn't say you weren't pretty, or beautiful, he just said you were the cutest," Celestia said in faux soothing tones, deepening Luna's depression.

Let's just cut to the chase, Cadence thought.

"So who is the prettiest?" she asked.

He turned and looked at her with the expression of a disappointed teacher. "You are," he said as if it were obvious.

Cadence grinned at Celestia and Luna.

"But pretty has a certain fragility, like a porcelain doll you put into a glass case for fear of damaging it when you dust. Not to say you don't have the inner loveliness and strength that makes someone truly beautiful, but people, ponies especially seem to want to keep you clean, unruffled and pretty."

Both Luna and Celestia seemed to be struggling hard to avoid laughing at the Princess of Love's utterly distraught expression.

"Spattered in mud, chasing a greased pig or a half-bathed foal isn't what most ponies think of when Princess Mi Amore Cadenza is mentioned. When you rescued the Crimson Death, they weren't really frightened that you'd be harmed by the monster, but that your prettiness would be tarnished. It's also why you're 'Pink.' Cuteness is why Princess Luna is 'Little Blue', and her Majesty is 'the Great White'."

Cadence bowed her head, then tried to raise it before bowing it again and making little circles in the carpet with her hoof.

"After the pony-eating shark?" Luna asked incredulously, and laughed at Celestia's horrified expression.

Percy's smiling answer stunned them all. "Exactly."

All three alicorns stared at him in disbelief. The other ponies in the room looked around for cover in the vain hope they'd live through the upcoming blast.

"Beauty is not a thing for the eyes, but a thing for the spirit. A rattlesnake can be beautiful, a summer storm can be beautiful, as can an aunt and older sister be beautiful. But beauty carries a sense of awe with it, and a tinge of fear. Beauty is a force, unlike prettiness or cuteness which are attributes," Percy said and nodded towards Celestia, who even in her righteous anger proved his point. The High Queen of Equestria, beautiful and terrible.

Percy's chuckle broke Celestia's spell as she grinned and then hugged him, "Don't pout Luna, you are very beautiful. Equestria Games Silver Medal caliber, but your sister takes the gold. But that same beauty puts her a distant third in the cuteness you and Cadence excel at."

Shaken from her horror and wrath, Celestia gave the most adorable pout. "I'm not cute?"

Percy turned to Cadence. "Your Highness, no ice cream until you've shown her how it's done."

"No ice cream?" Cadence gives her own adorable pout.

Celestia looked even more miserable, big eyes, folded down ears, and an expression of forlorn hope. Cadence matched her and gave a sniffle. Luna stepped between them and glanced at each with big, watery eyes, and with a tremulous voice she asked, "Can't we all be friends?"
While the others began sniffling or looking guilty, Spring Forest broke completely, "I'm such a bad pony!" She threw herself on the ground and began sobbing. Even Parasol wasn't that badly affected.

Percy looked at them, looking so miserable and hopeless at his three squabbling friends than none of them could stand it.

"Despite what you might think," Sergeant Mile Stone said, "This is not a disciplinary posting."

The jet-black unicorn and the huge, Saddle Arabian mare glanced at each other sideways. They both knew 'this is not a disciplinary posting' was military shorthand for 'shit posting that we think you deserve'.

"Yes, sir," they said together.

"Why are you wearing full armor?" the unicorn asked.

"I like it," the mare said quietly.

The unicorn shrugged.

They could hear a lively discussion going on inside the quarters. Both of the newcomers were taking in the understated opulence of this wing. As opposed to the 'if we gild it, they will come' of many of the nobles' areas.

They watch in horror as Captain Armor opened the door to a hysterical and tearful Princess Celestia demanding, "I am a good pony, aren't I? Please tell me I'm a good pony!"

All of them backed up a pace as she grabbed Armor's shoulders and repeated the question. Armor fixed on someone else in the room, a sympathetic gaze. "Sergeant," he called, then absolutely glared at someone else in the room.

Mile Stone centered himself and talked to the Princess in low tones, with her nodding enthusiastically. The pair of newcomers looked down the hall. "Is Saddle Arabia nice this time of year?" the unicorn asked.

"No," the mare said, "That's why I left."

The unicorn shrugged and headed into the room.

She watched him from the doorway. The unicorn glanced around. He can't restrain himself, she thought, remembering the unicorn's reputation.

"Princess tears, now on sale aisle seven," he said, but without moving his lips.

The human walked over.

He recognizes the Crimson Death, a.k.a. Ursine Persiflage, she thought as she watched, and considered the human moved wrong, And the heart goes out of him. Considering the nasty reputation as Princess Cadence's bodyguard, if not her assassin, I don't blame him.

"So, you're a ventriloquist, and a mimic," the human said, shocking the unicorn and her, then it grinned at him, "Just not as good as me."

She scanned the room. All the alicorns have a reputation as tricksters, but this was just too well played, she thought as she couldn't pin down who'd done it, It's a masterful bit of trickery, like the poetry I heard about. Princess Luna?

Mile Stone just smiled at the human. "One of your new guards."

The poor unicorn managed to point at the Crimson Death, before fainting.

While the others giggled and were wittily commenting. She walked in, looking around, and glad that as usual nopony noticed her. Some had joked that was her special talent, disappearing into the background. She froze as the human stared right at her. She looked at him carefully, knowing most humans took a direct stare back as a challenge. But this human seems, curious? she wondered as he looked her over and seemed vaguely pleased. She nearly blushed at that, the appraising expression she'd seen ponies give humans being directed at her by a human.

"Your Highness," she said quietly and bowed, and again there was the look of shock that she was in the room with ponies.

Celestia smiled, one of the few who seemed less shocked, and even welcoming the guard who went from invisible to looming without meaning to. "Sreh Alryah," Celestia said, "This is Percy, he is a great friend of mine. I would be honored if you kept him safe."

She bowed again.

"He can also talk and reason like a pony. Better than most in fact," Celestia added, as if it was a joke, but on whom Sreh didn't know.

She looked the human over, and considered all she knew. Then beyond all reason, it spoke.

He approached, not straight ahead like ponies did, but parallel and off to one side, like a horse would. "Now this is what I meant by cute. So earnest and hope-filled you just want to hug her and tell her the world isn't all bad," he said before offering his hand for her to sniff.

She wasn't sure if she was more shocked that he could speak, or what he said. "You, you think I'm . . . cute?" She caught his scent and moved closer, while still blushing at the compliment.

"Thou art a red carnation, Swift Wind, though frames as cedar and fennel the conqueror," he said in archaic Saddle Arabian better suited for poetry.

She couldn't keep from being shocked. "You speak Saddle Arabian too?" Panic grew in her at this. There were ancient legends, but they were tales for children.

But he speaks like one of the ancients would speak, she thought, looking around at the others, and desperate to bolt from this apparition.

"Aye," he said, again the odd accent, like a sage.

"There are humans who can, they are exceptionally rare, and not discussed. He responds best to gentleness and firm strength," Celestia told her, soothing her terror, "So you were the perfect choice."

She took a few deep breaths, then bowed to Celestia, before replying, "I will do my very best."

Celestia smiled serenely, then told her, "I have never thought otherwise."
Celestia smiled again and spoke to the human, who listened with interest to the indecipherable words, before responding, "I will do my very best."

Celestia grinned, actually grinned. Then the human spoke again, and Celestia looked briefly offended, then stuck out her tongue at him. Sreh had no clue that even at her most impish, that Celestia could be so free with anyone.

You have been allowed in deeper than most others, she realized and felt both deeply honored, and deeply terrified.

Her fellow guard seemed to be awakening, so the human ambled over and very politely asked, "Are you feeling all right? You were babbling about humans talking, then you passed out."

The unicorn snickered, and said, "Yeah, I -!" then he locked eyes with the human who was offering a hand up. The unicorn let out a little giggle and passed out.

The human looked at the assembled equines. "I'm going to start calling him Yo-Yo, not Parrot Boy."

It's among the most isolated towers in the city. Sreh had come here with her 'charge', Mockingbird was of no help at all, the unicorn was still trying to come to terms with a speaking human.

"Are you a jinn, or spirit?" she asked warily.

The legends of talking humans. Creatures that lure horses to their doom, or to riches, or adventures, she thought, I somehow suspect that I'm going on an adventure even if you aren't a jinn or spirit.

He stopped to consider, something ponies so rarely did. Something she so loved about Celestia, that she considered weighty question instead of a flip answer or outright dismissal. "That's a good question," he said, "If you'd asked me a few days before Nightmare Night, I'd've had a pat 'of course I am', after recent events. I'm not sure myself."

Sreh was overwhelmed by her desire to cuddle this odd creature. He tries to be a friend, but he's still so lost and lonely, she thought, 'Oh my love is all he needs to see the world is a good place.' She laughed at the premise of literally hundreds of saddle rippers, that a bad colt just needed a mare's unconditional love to redeem him. I doubt they were dealing with someone like him, she reminded herself.

"This must be pretty disturbing to you," he said as he approached and reached up to stroke her muzzle, he waited for her to nod before he brushed his hand over her, "And I'm afraid it will get weirder."

She enjoyed the simple stroking of her fur, and his concern for her well being. "I have grown used to 'unusual'," she admitted, "That someone else acknowledges it is weird will be an improvement."

Mockingbird glanced over at the odd human he'd been assigned to. Humans can't talk, he thought desperately, They can barely think. How can this one be any different?

"You're going to hurt yourself, thinking so hard," the human said.

Mockingbird cringed as did the rest of the crowd, all staring at the human who'd openly spoken.

"Mockingbird, knock it off," came the admonishment from another guard, "I practically saw your lips move on that one. Talking humans, as if."

Mockingbird stared at the human who had an expression of bright (for a human) curiosity, but otherwise looked like a typical human. The stallion didn't even try to explain.

The sergeant is right, I am being punished, he realized, A real live, talking human, but my being here is perfect evidence that it's a fraud! He wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. He, the best practical joker in the guard, and they'd played this joke on him.

"This is just creepy," he muttered.

"You don't know the half of 'creepy'," the 'Iron Stoic' commented.

Another element to the punishment, the one mare in all of Equestria who didn't seem to find anything funny. Easy on the eyes, until you realized how gargantuan she was. Another cosmic joke, he thought, A decent looking partner, and she's a horse, not a pony. The universe hates me.

Then the impossible happened, the 'Iron Stoic' actually chuckled.

Mockingbird let out a breath of disgust as they walked. "I don't get this," he said, "I understand ponies he's special to are important, but why not just keep him under guard. This is like guarding the stuff in a museum."

"Stuff in a museum isn't supposed to move around," the Iron Stoic said, "And stuff in a museum doesn't attract attention for ponies to do certain things with it. Ponies who treat other ponies like that are guilty of a serious crime. Ponies who treat non-ponies like that seem to get a pass."

"Humans never say 'no', and most are happy enough to do it," Mockingbird said and ignored Percy's glare.

"Who said I was talking about humans, little pony?" the mare said darkly.

Mockingbird gulped and decided to end the conversation at that point.

Swift Wind trailed Percy at a discreet distance. As much to give him the illusion of privacy, as to hide her condition. Watching him and Celestia is pure torture, she thought, Not only embarrassing, but most of us would KILL for a lover that attentive, gentle and inventive. He seemed to set great store in building her orgasms up until they are thunderous. And either not noticing or not caring about the effect it has on the all-female guard force. She shifted again, trying to remain unseen, in control, and downwind. If he gets a whiff of me in my current state, I'll never hear the end of it.

She froze for a moment, and considered his utterly underhanded methods. Or he could . . . and let Celestia watch, as a prelude, she thought in horror, at how attractive that despicable idea was.

She risked a canter to close the distance and keep him in sight. She was glad she did, because a small, saber-toothed, bug pony looked at him. The two of them conversed in a language Swift Wind had never heard before. Swift Wind withdrew into the shadows, but the bug-pony kept glancing at her, and smiling in the most unnerving way.

She can't know, Swift Wind thought, I've been very careful. I've been very correct. Sreh still coiled herself up to spring on the unknown ponyoid, in case it became hostile. And it still shot an occasional grin her way. It's not taunting me, it's thinking it and I have a secret from him! It can read my emotions towards him? Clever and useful.

His posture towards the bug-pony stayed wary. He checked corners, the area behind him, and even the ceilings as he appeared to continue nonchalantly chatting. Slowly wariness became comprehension, as if the bug-pony were spinning a tale, and Percy was beginning to fully understand the tale, and the implications. Swift Wind had seen that calculating look when he was with Celestia. I doubt he's going to do to this bug-pony, what he does to Princess Celestia, but his ideas might have the same disorienting effect.

What did the bug-pony say that could completely throw him for a loop? she wondered and moved closer, staying under cover, but closer in case he needed support. He rallied, but the pain in his voice told her he was not so much countering whatever the bug-pony had offered, but proclaiming unworthiness to receive it. I am not worthy of gift or salvation, she thought of his tone and posture, I've seen it before. I've felt it before. It was a terrible, yet comfortable lie then, it's the same now. She crept closer, causing the bug-pony to nearly grin.

The bug-pony started shifting forms, it was all Swift Wind could do not to charge in and drag Percy away. No, he's recovering, and still in control, she thought and held herself back, But he's hurting. No, he's someone else's human, someprincess else's human, and I doubt he'd appreciate the implications that a roll in the hay with a mare will fix all his problems.

She watched. Waited. Listened. Yearned. Maybe a hug and a nuzzle, he'll get the idea, she thought.

When the bug-pony became a little, human girl, suddenly she started sounding frightened.

That's not fair! she thought, So much adorableness in two packages! She smirked. I wonder how he'd react if the princesses told him how cute he is. 'So earnest and hope-filled you just want to hug him and tell him the world isn't all bad' indeed.

Then the cuteness level escalated to heartbreaking proportions as the 'father' took 'his little girl's' hand and the pair walked through the nighttime corridors of the castle. Swift Wind moved from cover to cover in her pursuit. I almost can't stop squeeeing at how adorable that scene is! she thought, and sobered to keep her mind on the job, Others might not see it as adorable, only vulnerable.

She followed them, moving from shadow to shadow, column to column, until they entered the prison. There, she discovered the truth of why they had to conceal his intelligence and verbal acuity. They simply passed through the checkpoints with no hassle. Swift Wind was stopped and interrogated, however briefly at each one.

An intelligent human could slip into any noble's bedroom and slit their throat and no one would be the wiser, she realized, They could even be found with the body, covered in the victim's blood, and as long as they acted hysterical as if they'd witnessed the attack, no pony would credit their participation. Fortunate the Pony Sisters are his friends and allies, or he'd be a terrible security risk.

She approached the great bridge over the lake. She looked around for him, and the little one, but couldn't see them. She risked a dash across the bridge. I don't care if they 'catch me', my 'talent' for invisibility is careful discretion, nothing else.

She didn't find them on the other side of the great bridge, but she heard them, far below, talking with a third person in Equestrian. She held herself still and listened. She heard the voices, and the hope-filled tones, but not the words themselves.

Finally, they climbed back up towards her. She tried to put on a mask of anger, to hide how relieved she was. And dredged up every infuriating thing that had happened in her life, so the bug-pony would be fooled as well. "I am supposed to be watching you," she told them in what she hoped would be seen as anger, if not fury.

"There were some delicate, political maneuverings going on and you are better off not knowing," Percy said, but seemed apologetic. "It was better you were up here. If things had gone badly, you would have heard me yelling." He glanced around. "Where is your partner?"

Another flash of real anger warred with the sight of the little girl 'hiding' behind Percy, from the angry pony. "He's still asleep."

"At least I could keep you close enough to charge to the rescue," he said.

She couldn't keep looking and feeling angry. "Thank you," she said.

Then he decided to completely discombobulate her. "We ought to include you in the training sessions. Give you a bit more confidence around their Highnesses. If you're going to be looking after me, you're going to be dealing with them a lot."

She and the bug-pony in human form were staring at each other in horror and wonderment. I think I have a good reason to leave him to Princess Celestia, she thought.

Sergeant Mile Stone was discussing the guards' performance, in the most reasonable and fatherly tones. The fact he was currently limelight white, his mane and tail were brilliant blue as they flickered and fluttered as inferno above him, his eyebrows were yellow-white flames extending almost into his mane and his signature sideburns were yellow orange clinging tight to his face. The term incandescent would have come to any observer first and foremost.

"You were asleep?" Mile Stone asked young Mockingbird. "After he reportedly tried to awaken you, you remained asleep? Do I have to remind you that this isn't just any ordinary human, lad?" he asked as his flaming countenance loomed over the soldier like an active caldera ready to spew death over untold millions of square miles.

"Need I remind you that this is a person, who upon encountering a foe that frightens even the Pony Sisters, possibility even Discord himself, decided that an ambush was the optimum course of action, one-shotted the villain, and disposed of the body so that nopony ever found it?"

"No, sergeant," the small unicorn said.

"Need I remind you that while her private life is entirely her Majesty's business, that this person has been among the most satisfying lovers her Majesty has had in recent memory?" the sergeant asked. The paint behind Mockingbird was beginning to bubble from the heat.

"No, sergeant," the unicorn said as his sweat simply evaporated once it cleared his sweat glands.

"So, a guard for one princess, a lover and confidant to another, good friend and speaker of truth for the third, thoughtful enough to at least attempt to wake the ponies who are supposed to be guarding him, and this person has already had to defend himself from several attempts on his life, and you have not followed any of the procedures necessary to guard him."

"I'm not sure what else I could do," Mockingbird said.

Barely above a whisper, Mile Stone explained, "You could have set wards around him, you could have set up an on-off-on rota for yourself and Swift Wind. You could have tied a can to his tail. All of which were included in your briefing on being a bodyguard to troublesome VIPs. Just because a protectee is a match for a battalion entire and unto him or herself, that does not excuse their guard from not taking the job of guarding them seriously." Despite his soft-spoken tone, paint on the wall behind Mockingbird was beginning to char.

"I will do better, sergeant," Mockingbird said.

"I will have your plan in writing before lunch," Mile Stone said, "Understand that this was not a disciplinary posting. Your natural and extremely irritating talent was selected to bolster his defense. If you fail in this, after your discharge, I may mention to him that your failing might have aided in a plot against Princess Cadence. You will never be able to run far enough, hide deep enough, or bribe thoroughly enough that he will not find you, and express his displeasure in ways that no one has ever dreamed of before. He may, in deference to Cadence's wishes, leave you physically unharmed." Mile Stone leaned close. "And you will wish you had died. Dismissed."

Mockingbird was gone, somehow without disturbing either of the doors to the room, or the very small air vent. "Corporal Swift Wind," he said, setting the huge mare trembling. He looked at the burned spot as if seeing it for the first time. "Stand at ease."

He took several, deep, cleansing breathes as his mane and tail went from blue to yellow, then orange and finally back to ash gray, while his white color faded to his usual, dirty brown. Swift Wind stayed rigidly at 'at ease' and awaited her doom.

"Her Highness is aware of your cuddles, nuzzles, hugs and nose rubs of Percy," Mile Stone said, in a less friendly and more officious tone.

"Yes, sergeant, I have no defense," she replied.

"Nor do you need one," Mile Stone said, "She heartily approves. And she wishes he was open to a herd arrangement. You have been, and I quote her Highness 'a point of solace in his otherwise hectic life.' You are the first ponylike creature he has encountered that did not generate even a moment's fear-threat reaction. He was delighted to see you on your initial arrival, and he doesn't get nervous at your attentions."

"Sir, I mean Sergeant?" she asked.

"The warning her Highness is offering is that he is both extremely endearing, and incredibly charming, but even he doesn't fully understand the effects of all the hurts inflicted on him," the sergeant warned, "You may do something completely innocuous that triggers a response out of proportion with your action, or seems completely out of rational bounds."

She remembered some of her own experiences before leaving Saddle Arabia that caused her trouble on entering Equestria. "I shall be on guard, and prepared for it," she said.

That's another reason I was picked, she thought,Who better to deal with an abuse victim than a recovering victim.

"Understood, I will be careful," she said.

"Very good, dismissed," the sergeant said as he saluted.

She returned it and left.

She found Percy a short distance away. She led him a short distance back towards the apartment. There, three princesses in athletic gear waited. Swift Wind froze.

"We thought you'd like to practice with us," Celestia said, "After all, in the Guard you have to know how to fight, and with your size and strength, you'd make the perfect sparring partner. Luna is far too small and cute."

"I can kick your flank whenever you'd like to try it!" Luna shot back.

"Of course, but when I kick yours," Celestia replied sweetly, "I feel like I'm kicking a kitten."

Luna growled back.

"You can fight in here, this is a war room," Percy whispered to Swift Wind.

She almost lost it laughing at the two sisters growling at each other. The trio left the apartment and headed to the practice grounds. Swift Wind and Percy following. "I would be honored to be your sparing partner, but I'll need some padded armor." She glanced around nervously. "Of my size."

"You can use mine," Celestia said, and went back to growling and threat postures at Luna, while Swift Wind stared at Celestia.

"It'll be just as sweating and bad smelling as any mortal's," Cadence whispered and led the stunned guardsmare away to get her fitted.

Celestia, Luna and Cadence chattered excitedly. "He'll love it," Cadence said, "I know it."

When she glanced at Shining Armor, he smiled gamely, but didn't nod, nor remonstrate them. This is not going to end well, he thought, This is like walking into a forest on patrol, and all the wildlife suddenly goes quiet, and it isn't you that's making them quiet.

He looked around the apartment and was glad to have the Princesses here for breakfast, but he had an awful feeling about Percy.

Percy was carrying the large casserole in, filled with the oatmeal that all of them loved so much. Cadence put the bottle next to the coddled egg Percy had made for himself, and waited as Percy served. He looked at the bottle, turned it around as if searching for something on the label, and set it down. "No."

Cadence looked puzzled. Celestia and Luna were exchanging confused glances. Cadence tried to explain, "But these pills will deal with your cravings for meat."

"I don't have 'cravings' for meat," Percy explained, "I simply require more protein that you to remain healthy." He indicated the small dish he'd brought for himself. "Eggs and cheese will provide most of what I need, and I'm not averse to some of the more 'interesting' collations the chefs have come up with."

His expression changed, and Armor braced for what Percy was going to tell them.

"Besides," Percy said matter of factly, "The math is on my side."

Math? Armor wondered, Maybe it won't be so bad.

Celestia mirrored Armor's confusion, "Math?"

Percy sighed, and settled in like Twilight did when she had to explain a difficult bit of theory. "Of the five big cities in Equestria: Canterlot, Vanhoover, Manehatten, Fillydelphia and Baltimare, only three have an active fighting ring at any given time. One or two has been busted by the Guard, or has moved to another city. Typically there are three bouts a week, although the first week or two that goes up to five, but it's usually three. The bouts are three hours, and each individual fight lasts five minutes, including set up and clean up." Percy paused to take a bite of his eggs, and a spoon of oatmeal. None of the others were eating as they considered.

"In the smaller cities and towns, there's four running at any given time. The bouts are once a week and run two hours, and the same five minutes per fight" Percy ate some more and looked at the others as they ignored their breakfast.

The others started in, but Celestia was thinking, and asked, "Wait a moment, why would the fighting rings change cities if they are still drawing crowds?"

Percy paused in his eating to answer, "The way the fight game works is, you start with the small stable of fighters you arrive in town with, ten to twenty, and you buy say one hundred new humans. Thirty of them are for fighting, and the other seventy are for dying. That is you've got thirty with the brains and self-discipline to learn how to be pit fighters. After four to five weeks, you've run through most of the humans for dying, and maybe even used one or two or five of the ones for fighting. So you head for the next city, until you've done a circuit of three to five of the cities, and picked up a bunch of potentials in your stable. So you pack up, and go to the small towns. There you scope out the local talent, and you trade two or three, or five of your potentials for the impressive local talent and put them in with the stable you take back to the big city."

Cadence set her half-finished oatmeal aside. She was beginning to suspect what Armor had sensed earlier.

"Where was I? Oh yes, I left out human teams versus animals, the human versus minotaur, pony, griffon, and of course grand melees. About half the fights end in an actual death, the other half one or both are crippled. And the fighters tend to weigh 100 to 130 pounds a piece. That works out to about 10,000 pounds of corpses that must be disposed of every week," Percy explained.

"Were you put through that course?" Cadence asked, caught between horror and a desire to comfort him, "Humans for fighting/dying, then a local champion?"

Percy shook his head, and finished the egg before answering, "No. After a couple bouts, they put me in the stable of experienced fighters. They used me for 'Spectaculars!' where I'd face a fierce animal, or a sapient foe. Alone." He shrugged and stirred his oatmeal. "Even fought a timberwolf once."

"That's horrible," Cadence said.

He shrugged again. "Better than dying, although my first fight when we moved into the small towns was against a couple of old champions who'd gone a little funny in the head. Meaning they were a danger to everyone around them. I cannot tell you what an unvarnished joy it is facing two fighters with 12 to 15 years experience, ten of it working together, both of them completely oblivious to any concept of decency or restraint, and bat-shit crazy to boot."

Luna had set her breakfast aside and stared at Percy with a horrified fascination.

"I used every dirty trick I could. Of course the crowd loved every second of it," he said, and none of the ponies were happy about that, "Fortunately, the thin spears they gave me, they're for punching through armor of big bugs, or rhinoceroses, but they can also be thrown. That made it one against one, and seemed to ramp down the completely crazy. I still had to dispatch that first one because he didn't die easily, and he started throwing things, at me, at the crowd, and the lights."

Armor snorted, and glanced around at the horrified faces. He apologized, "I am sorry, but it is funny, in a gallows humor sort of way."

Luna sighed and looked forlornly at her oatmeal, which she clearly had little interest in eating. Cadence kept leaning closer to Percy as if preparing to give him a wings-and-forelegs hug.

Percy managed to continue taking bites of his breakfast, between relaying the information in a disturbingly uninterested tone. The effect was heartbreaking to the Princesses. "I managed to get the first, and eventually the second. And one of the spectators offered to buy me, for 10 experienced fighters, an unheard of price. My first owner wouldn't take it, more fool him. We got raided by the Guard a week later."

Armor straightened, and was glad of Percy's blase attitude. "That's where I . . . sorry."

Percy shrugged and shared a wan smile. "You didn't know. My second owner had money, so he sent me to the Warmasters. One of them practically adopted me. Offered 1200 riyu, whatever they are, my owner was shocked, but didn't accept the offer."

"Twelve hundred riyu is training with the Warmasters," Armor explained to the Princesses who were relaxing as the conversation moved away from the gruesome, "And you're right, it's a king's ransom."

"Any way, that trail of bodies has always been one of the weaknesses of the rings, that's a lot of weight to get rid of, and in Canterlot you can't rent a boat and dump the bodies in the ocean. So how do you get rid of five tons of meat and bone a week?" Percy asked, then picked up the bottle and rattle it. His smile at the horrified ponies was all it took.

"You actually believe this?" Celestia asked, glancing around to deposit what little she'd eaten.

"Can you prove I'm wrong?" Percy asked nonchalantly, "They've got to be getting their feedstock from somewhere. And it would be a great way to guarantee they had the right mix of proteins and minerals."

Cadence raced for the bathroom, with Swift Wind heading for the kitchen sink. Cadence's four guard and Sergeant Mile Stone just stared in horror at what they'd heard.

As Celestia left to follow Cadence, Luna began spooning down more of the oatmeal. "I wish I thought this was a sick jest you had concocted."

"It isn't that hard to do the analysis," Percy said and resumed his eating.

Armor started eating, a bit more gingerly than before, but he quickly started enjoying the food again.

"So, meat pills are off the table." Percy handed the bottle back to Armor, who quickly set it aside.

Luna paused in her eating and fixed Percy with a stare. "I have a personal question. How dark is the universe you live in?"

Percy thought for a while, only the sound of the others rinsing after they'd been so violently sick could be heard. He answered, "On days when the sun is shining, and there's not a cloud in the sky, and I can feel the love of all my friends surrounding me. It's a very pleasant, Stygian black. And believe you me, that is a tremendous improvement over any previous condition."

Luna sighed, and refilled her bowl of oatmeal from her sister's and Cadence's portion. "That does confirm my supposition."

Been thinking about guards, and I saw this picture:
http://i.telegraph.co.uk/multimedia/archive/01414/little-horse_1414911i.jpg

Mockingbird and Swift Wind were born.

16) Spartacus Gave Roller-Skates To Whom?

I Am Not Spartacus - Spartacus Gave Roller-Skates To Whom?
by Dan's Comments
Based in the 'Your Human and You' universe by MadMaxtheBlack
This story is NOT canon with Your Human and You

DISCLAIMER: My Little Pony is the property of Hasbro, Inc.

It is Hearts and Hooves Day. The Royal Plan is a short reception (two hours, couples only, by invitation only), then the government shuts down. Only my two guards know my cunning plan, and I've sworn both to secrecy. My plan is no less than the catastrophic destruction of the entire edifice of Equestrian Government. My guards are aware of my evil plot, and I've so corrupted them that they can do nothing. Cue evil laughter.

Shining Armor is talking with Fancy Pants as I approach carrying a box, the last and chanciest element of my nefarious plan. Swift Wind takes up a guard position and is content to watch. I set the box down and listen as the pair discuss the finer points of the rivalry between Canterlot United, and the Manehatten 'Maulers'. I think I am more than making up my lost karma, if there's anything more stupefying than hoofball, it's listening to an enthusiastic conversation about hoofball. People arguing about paint drying would be preferable. At least they'd be talking about accomplishing something. I wonder if they instituted gladiatorial games using humans because they couldn't continue to stomach games that nearly always ended in a tie among ponies. Hence the boringness. A zero-zero tie was a more common ending than you might suspect.

The odd sound and girlish squeal penetrates even their discussion of the zone versus coverage defense. The two stallions look at the world outside their conversation, and the world whirls around them.

"WHHHEEEEEEE!" squeals the happy, white blur with the prismatic corona orbiting them too fast to be seen, before it streaks off to orbit two more ponies out walking the palace corridors. "WHEEEEEEE!"

More slowly, and much more elegantly, Little Blue circles them and my two guards in a figure-8, rotating on her hooves like a tidelocked planet on its axis as she orbits them, then rolls off to zigzag across the corridor, trying to get close to but not touch every guard on station. "HA!" she announces as the white blur races by.

"WHEEEEE!"

Armor stares, tries to speak, but his voice isn't cooperating. Fancy Pants' monocle hangs, swaying drunkenly at the end of its tether as he observes.

"I say," Fancy Pants exclaims.

The galloping of hooves brings Armor's attention around. Pink is fast approaching. Armor shows trepidation breaking through his astonishment.

She stops before the pair. "Oh Armor, someone gave them roller-skates for Hearts and Hooves Day," she says wistfully, and pouts at Armor.

Dread fills the stallion's heart. Pain fills the stallion's ankle as I kick him there. Armor turns to grimace at me, but catches the raised eyebrow and the downward glance. "Uh, I haven't, had time to wrap them," Armor says as he levitates the box up.

Cadence has it open and the skates out before he can finish. The kiss she gives him is enough to stand his mane on end and get his tail sticking straight back like a pool cue. There are no children to horrify, and all of us are adults. I suspect I'll be bunking elsewhere tonight.

Cadence runs off giggling with the skates. Armor looks at the box, a very smug Percy, and a deeply worried Fancy Pants.

"Oh dear," Fancy Pants says as he raises a hoof to his chin.

I set a business card on the elegant stallion's nose, bow and walk away.

Fancy Pants restores his monocle to its accustomed position. " 'Terrahoof's Roller-Skate Emporium'," Fancy Pants sighs, "Well, must dash. But I do wonder?"

"What?" Armor asks as he stares at the empty box.

"Is this why Discord was afraid of him?" Fancy Pants canters away.

"WHEEEE!" the white blur announces as she orbits Armor.

"ZOOM!" a pink blur races by in a dead, straight line.

The white blur is off in pursuit. "WHEEEEE!"

Oh course she turns the reception into a lesson on why you and your spouse still love each other. Since of the couples with roller-skates, only a quarter of them can both skate. Most are lucky that one can, and the spouse is clinging tightly to them. In nearly all the rest, the pair is clinging to each other in abject terror of falling down. Those without skates are spared the possible indignity, but are also politely ignored by the crowns. The effect hammers home the 'spouses are trusted partners' lesson for most of the recipients. Of course Fancy Pants and Fleur can both skate, and skate elegantly, so they're off here and there, bucking up their friends, all of whom were warned to get skates. Never before has the attitude of 'don't smash a face, but don't invite it to dinner' been so devastating. Those receiving Fancy Pants and Fleurs' tutoring are at least able to navigate after a fashion, those without, get to learn if their partner is really a partner or if they are just for convenience.

The division surprises a fair number of the nobles. And it is hilarious to watch the whole thing. Of course Pink and Armor are some of the belles of the ball, but understandably a little too caught up with each other to help anypony else. Yes, I provided a set for Armor.

It is also hilarious watching The Great White nearly glow with pleasure at my gift, and at giving advice that the right royal/noble morons actually listen to. Part of it is the permission to play, and part of it is thrusting her and Little Blue back to the role they had relished so long ago: teachers and wise women, not rulers. She can't command the ponies to learn to skate, she has to draw them towards the skill. The ponies are so desperate for help that they let Little Blue coach them, making her far less of a bogeymare. It is hard work, but as they both do it, and The Great White looks like she could have flown without wings. She picks my place out of the 'whisper galleries' and I see such radiant joy on her face, all the effort is more than worth it.

The snickering of Parrot Boy does nothing to harm my good mood.

The Great White was too weary for anything more athletic than snuggling, I lay draped over her barrel, my arms around her neck and her wings holding me tight against her. The day had been wonderful, but exhausting. The kind of contented exhaustion when a hard day's work accomplishes everything you hoped it would.

I am aware of her guards, and my guard mare watching them watching us. The trio of guards are uncomfortable, but for different reasons. Celestia's think of the intimacy that the human is displaying, and her pristine Highness is eagerly reciprocating, I think as I lay on her slowly rising and lowering chest, My guard is wishing she could snuggle against the pair of us as well.

I want to laugh at that. But between the warm fur beneath, the soft feathers above, and the contented little noises, I'm on the verge of falling asleep, I think. I glance at The Great White, and her expression of fondness and contentment warms my heart, but confuses me. I don't understand why this especially.

The gently stroking of her wings and the rise and fall of her chest finally lulled me to a peaceful sleep.

I knew a dream when I saw one, and I know a projected dream when I felt one around me. This is odder than usual, as if it is a dream of watching a movie. Watching a fixed set of events unfold, and being one with a set point of view.

Luna wasn't sure why Celestia had both asked her to attend her doctor's appointment, and had sworn her to absolute secrecy. The doctor, Honey Blossom (don't bother she's heard it a hundred times) was not particularly disturbed by events, she seemed to be in the know more than Luna.

"It's confirmed, your Highness," the doctor said, "No doubt what-so-ever."

"But that's not possible," The Great White said, her hoof over her mouth, she seemed frightened by the news, "After the Elements, and all the rest, it's not possible."

"What's not possible," Little Blue exclaimed, her irritation manifest, even if I couldn't feel it.

The Great White turned to Little Blue, "After Discord, Tirek, and all the others, I thought I would never recover from some of my injuries."

"You may not have," the doctor said, and smirked, "There's a simpler explanation."

"If you are not forthcoming with an explanation, we shall become quite cross," Little Blue fell back into her olde-time accent.

"It couldn't be," The Great White whispered, "Could it?"

"Could not what?" Little Blue demanded.

"You might be an aunt," Honey Blossom said in the face of Little Blue's towering rage.

Who is more thunderstruck, the dream alicorns, or me, is a point of speculation. Little Blue's head whipped around to stare at The Great White.

"How?" Little Blue asked, "And what are these injuries you spoke of?"

Honey Blossom explained, "An alicorn's fertility is both highly seasonal, and incredibly fragile. If you came into season as often as ponies, and produced offspring as much, we'd be hip deep in alicorns due to your immortality. That's ignoring your increased vitality permitting many more pregnancies throughout your life. One generation to grow up, one or two of fertility, two or three of middle and old age to raise the younger generations. Your fertile period has lasted a thousand years and may go on a thousand more, so it's less likely you'd produce offspring to keep the population balanced."

Little Blue nodded. "What injuries?" Little Blue repeated.

"Did you think the battles against all those villains took no toll?" The Great White asked quietly, "That losing our connection to the Elements . . . ?"

Little Blue looked ashamed, but The Great White hugged her. "You are innocent of the crimes of Nightmare Moon, my sister. Even I knew nothing of what those battles cost us, cost me, you are still 'healthy' and whole in that respect."

"What I am saying is that your shapeshifting games let you access a humans' more robust fertility. They are fecund, even compared to ponies," Honey Blossom said, "They have to be, considering their infant mortality rate and short lifespan."

The Great White's eyes bugged out. "I know when it happened."

Ironically so did I, exactly.

"I thought he was just getting clever with his fingers," The Great White said.

"I'm rather relieved you weren't thinking at a time like that," Little Blue said.

The Great White and Honey Blossom both chuckled nervously.

The conversation trailed off at that point and I am left with the inescapable conclusion that The Great White is with child, mine, and to all intents and purposes, the alicorn heir. The political results of this are staggering, but the fact I have fathered another child brings me up short.

Pain of watching the human I'd coupled with miscarrying as she died of poisoning brings a compilation of rage, helplessness, confusion, and fear. The comments on the fragility of alicorn fertility ring through my mind.

It's morning after a restless night I wake to The Great White staring at me, I remember my girlfriend looking at me with that intensify of adoration after we worked to get her PhD.

"Luna told you," she says.

It's not for the disguise that I only nod. She hugs me tightly, letting her joy be heard. The guards are both utterly charmed and utterly mystified by the sight of 'Her Serene Highness' practically squealing with joy as she rolls back and forth on her back. I keep forgetting how lonely she is, despite being surrounded by ponies day and night, if those around you don't treat you as a person, you are alone.

Returning to Pink's apartment has Swift Wind glancing around very self-consciously. "Is her Highness all right?" she asks quietly.

I nod, which seems to calm her down. I keep to myself that she is smitten with The Great White, as are most ponies, but she's smitten with the pony, not the princess.

Being intercepted and led aside to a quiet place by the Mighty Poof is worrying, as is his haunted expression. "Percy, I need for you to promise me, that when you go to the Crystal Empire, you'll take all my humans with you."

There's a sealed door between us and the rest of ponydom. "What happened?"

The Mighty Poof looks at me miserably. "I . . . " He looks at the carpet, adjusting the nap of it as he struggles to explain. "I almost hit one," he says quietly, "Sweet little thing, always making sure I eat regularly. When she tried it today, just a little while ago." Tears begin to fall. "I was so angry. I didn't raise my hoof to her, but I wanted to. I wanted to so badly." He sobers and stares at me. "Please, these don't know me as anything but a good master. If I do lose myself and get more humans, they'll know I'm mad from the beginning, but these won't understand. They'll understand going with you, they'll understand serving Cadence and Armor at my command, but they won't understand why I've changed."

"Honestly, have you considered seeing a competent surgeon? They don't have healing magic in the minotaur or griffon territories," I ask as I lay a hand on his shoulder.

"Unfortunately, only the vets in Canterlot have the surgical skill, and to lay a blade into a prince?" He shakes his head. "None are that brave."

I nod again. "Yes, when we go, I'll take them."

"Thank you," he says, honestly relieved. "Oh, if anyone asks," he says to Swift Wind, "I tried to seduce you. I have to maintain my reputation as an unlikable cad."

"As long as I can be shocked at the implication," Swift Wind says, "Being oblivious, uncultured and all."

Both nod at their accord and The Mighty Poof leaves.

"This is turning out to be a very strange day," I comment as we leave the room and continue to Pink's apartment.

There, the insanity continues. Laid out are dresses, hoof covers, and swatches of cloth everywhere. The cloud of chattering ponies reminds me of an aviary. Pink and Parasol are in there somewhere. I glance around and note that Armor is nowhere to be seen. Probably fled in terror, I realize.

Before I can retreat, a dozen swatches of cloth are draped over me. I stare at the ponies who are now staring at me. Swift Wind steps up to dispel them if they try anything.

"No, no, all wrong, try the groom's colors," one of the mares brays as the swatches fly off, and are replaced by another squadron of cloths.

Again, I stare. These are darker colors. The charcoal gray is the best, but pony aesthetic has never been my strong suit. Oddly enough, Swift Wind gets it before I do.

"Armor will be wearing his dress uniform for the wedding, not a suit. The groomsmen will also be in uniform," she tells the mares, "You'll have to match the colors to the uniform colors."

Oh course, the wedding, I think, But that's not for a while, and . . . No, it's a royal/noble wedding, of course they'll be planning everything out ahead of time.

"Of course we can't have that," another of the horsey harridans brays, "They're such drab things."

"I think you're thinking battle dress, not ambassadorial dress," Swift Wind said, "Besides, he can't outshine the bride."

That sets this pack of jackals against each other, and I still haven't spotted Pink or Parasol in all this maelstrom of self-important nobodies.

I take advantage of the argument to slip back out the door. I've never been a fan of the 'meet cute' where the girl 'innocently' collides with the boy she's interested in so they have something to talk about. Too many years and too many 'coincidences' in the pit circuit gave my instincts and reflexes an edge. After all, if a pony matron crashed into you she might order you beaten while she got off on your cries of pain.

So when Dusk Shine appears out of nowhere, moving full tilt and apparently oblivious to where she is going, I am out of her path before she closes within arms' reach. The fact that Swift Wind is equally light on her hooves means that Parrot Boy gets the full benefit. He doesn't appreciate it, and from her swiftly hidden frown, neither does Dusk Shine. I nod and gesture towards the door to Pink's apartment. Parrot Boy shoves her in there, a bit roughly, but that gets her out of the hall and out of my hair. As beautiful as she is, I have a lover who could be an even more beautiful human, is carrying my child, and that I can talk to on waking up in the morning. Those all make me very zealous to The Great White and her happiness. A bit of fluff on the side is not welcome.

I look around and consider where Pink might be. The obvious place, Little Blue's apartments, seems a good place to start. The trivial idiots of Canterlot are afraid of her, less so after the Hearts and Hooves Day, but still afraid, gee, I wonder why?

A knock on the door brings a thoroughly disheveled Parasol who stares nervously at the three of us. "Oh, come in."

Inside the room, it is dark, Little Blue is carefully brushing out Pink's mane. I've never seen Pink so distraught.

"Oh, Percy." Pink seems distraught, by how concerned we are. "I didn't mean to frighten you."

I gesture for her to stay laying beside Little Blue. I turn to Parrot Boy. "See if you can find Captain Armor."

The pony briefly considers that he is taking overs from a human, then decides that the order makes sense and he heads out. I sit next to Pink and begin scratching her behind the ears. "The wedding, and all the people imposing on your day?" I ask.

Pink nods miserably. "I know they are trying to help," she says.

"I wouldn't go that far," I reply, "Some just want to be able to do something so when they look at their scrapbook, they can claim a piece of history."

She lacks the energy to even grump at me.

"But, Percy has a brilliant plan to end all your suffering and let you and Shining Armor face these people with a smile on your face, and a song in your heart."

"Who art thou and what hast thy done with Percy in truth?" Little Blue asks.

"Oh, it's a deeply nefarious scheme, with intricate and deliberate secrecy in every crevice," I tell Little Blue.

"That's more like you," Little Blue says, and looks up as Celestia and Shining Armor arrive, but no sign of Parrot Boy.

"Excellent," I say as Armor takes my place beside Pink, "We have a quorum. Is everyone ready to take part in my nefarious plan to strip those busybodies of any power over Cadence and Shining Armor's wedding?"

"You can't cancel it," Princess Celestia says.

"Oh, I had no intention of canceling it. Uh, Princess Luna can you stand up, right where you are, it's perfect," I say, "Okay, your Highnesses and Captain Armor, when I nod to you, you say 'I do', then we can -"

"What are you doing?" Swift Wind demands, "You aren't going to perform the wedding right now are you?"

Both rulers are stunned by this.

"Well of course silly. We have the bride and groom, a person to stand with each one, and two witnesses, that's all that's legally required for a wedding to have full validity."

"But the guest, the catering?" Pink asks.

"Political theater, nothing more. Your loved ones know that you two are crazy about each other, so the wedding is no big surprise," I tell her, "Let the functionaries create the political theater, this is just for you two."

Pink wants to protest, Armor seems to want to offer some protest, then remembers, "They tried to disinvite my parents. Not High Society enough."

"Very well," I say, "That's settled. Who gives this stallion?" I nod to The Great White.

She looks around very nervously. "I do?"

"Captain Shining Armor GCMG, do you take Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, to be your wife, to have and to hold from this day forward; for better or for worse; for richer, for poorer; in sickness and in health; to love and to cherish from this day forward until death do you part?" I nod to Armor.

He looks to the two princesses, and at Cadence. When she nods, he says, "I do."

"Who gives this mare?" I ask.

"I do," Little Blue declares.

"Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, do you take Captain Shining Armor GCMG, to be your husband, to have and to hold from this day forward; for better or for worse; for richer, for poorer; in sickness and in health; to love and to cherish from this day forward until death do you part?"

Pink can't get her, "I do!" out fast enough.

"Then by the power of Equestrian law and before these witnesses I declare you husband and wife, you may kiss," I tell them, and they do, almost shyly. Like the first kiss on a first date. They soon settle into it, and everyone decides to just let it continue.

They finally break it, and glance around, both blushing nervously.

"I wish my folks could have been here," Armor says.

"And Twilight," Pink adds.

"You can tell them all about it. A talking human presided," I tell them.

Both of them consider that, and erupt in giggles. When they calm down a little, they are inching towards another kiss, when Parrot Boy enters the room.

"Oh, that's why I couldn't find them," he says and looks around at the snickering ponies and gets very nervous. "What did I miss?"

Everyone starts laughing, and poor Parrot Boy facehooves because the self-proclaimed 'master trickster' just missed what he knows must have been an epic joke.

So sad, too bad.

"Why did you reference the Grand Commander Militaire Griffon," The Great White asks, "That's not even an Equestrian award."

"Well, since Pink is 'Princess Cadenza', Armor needed an equalizer. Considering what a Commander in the order of Militaire Griffon is called, a Grand Commander would be perfect," I explain.

"What is it called?" Parrot Boy asks, trying to glean some idea about the prank, little realizing he was walking into one.

"Outside of Equestrian ears, its 'Call Me God'," I tell him.

"So the Grand Commander?" Parrot Boy asks.

"GCMG, 'God Calls Me God'."

He stares at my expressionless face, until Armor snorts. Then Parrot Boy facehooves again.

"I think I may ask the Griffon Ambassador that," The Great White muses, "The trade negotiations are coming up in a few weeks. It would be good to have something to put that esteemed . . . "

"Feather duster?" Little Blue offers.

"Luna!" The Great White says, "Don't insult feather dusters that way. They are a valuable and effective piece of equipment."

The days that followed showed a distinct reduction in both Pink's and Armor's tension. They dealt with the idiocy of the various 'suggestions' to how their wedding should run with a good deal more humor. I am starting to wonder if they are going to allow this to entirely become a farce. But Parasol and the Four Corners, as well as Muttonchops are keeping this from becoming a complete parody on the side of the pair, despite the best efforts of every other noble moron in the capital.

So it's especially disturbing when Muttonchops suddenly storms into Pink's apartment, ignores her and tosses me a set of leather armor and a staff. "Come on, lad," is all he says before he charges back out.

I glance at Parasol amid a swarm of arguing bakers, and she doesn't react, so I charge after the sergeant as I put the armor on.

What we encounter is a circle of screaming nobodies waving greeting cards, cloth swatches, baby shoes, and other items, all screaming at the top of their lungs, and all surrounding Pink. The real irony is that Armor and the Mighty Poof are the two guarding her, medics are actually attending to two of Pink's guards. The Mighty Poof is sporting a real shiner, while both Armor and Pink have been roughed up as well. The force Muttonchops has dragooned doesn't look happy, and I'm among the most unhappy, but I don't show it. I'm frankly getting ready to march in and bust heads.

"You should be ashamed of yourselves!" The Great White shouts, with another guard contingent, and Little Blue is leading a third closing the ring around the group.

While they are looking ashamed, I march through the group and collect the trio, nudging the ponies aside with the staff. Then I lead the group back out.

A photographer leans up to take a shot, one of those idiots with a lens better suited to take pictures of the moon, and a flash to illuminate it. I kick the camera, hard. The strap prevents the camera from flying into the crowd, but the other end is still around the pony's throat. It's especially fun that after briefly strangling her, the camera snaps back to belt her in the back of the head and breaks open. All those pictures ruined, so sad.

No one else does anything else but contemplate the floor as we escort the battered trio out of the press. Left-Front and Right-Front are able to rejoin us. Swift Wind and Parrot Boy automatically complete the cordon, and the small group of us march out. I don't look at The Great White or Little Blue. I don't need to remain to know there's going to be an epic ass-chewing that's going to go on. Yes, The Great White is the gentlest creature I've ever met, but sometimes you let out the steel to remind everyone that being nice is your choice, not a requirement.

Pink holds it together until we make it back to the apartment. Muttonchops had the good sense to clear out everyone who wasn't 'family' from the place before we arrive. The sullen looks from those turned out are irritating, but I couldn't care less about their feelings after what happened. A decimation of these fools couldn't come soon enough. Once we're inside, and the doors close, Pink completely loses it. She clings to Armor, making sounds a little like speech, but utterly incomprehensible.

I head to the bedroom, get the sheets and blankets off her bed and bring them back into the living room. I set them on the couch and help Armor bring Pink to the bedding and basically cocoon them together within it. Pink is still making incomprehensible, speech-like noises as she bawls her eyes out. The others paw the ground quietly or look everywhere but where the pair lay. A telekinetic tug in the couch's direction indicates one or both of them wants me there too. I take it as a request, and head over. As soon as I'm in range, a pink leg drags me over so I'm resting my head on Pink's chest. She nuzzles my head and keeps talking incoherently.

She eventually falls asleep, so does Armor, and I'm left stuck there. Parasol gets me a blanket and I try to relax and go to sleep, but Pink's and Armor's frightened noises make me have to keep soothing them, reminding them they're safe and we're here for them. It makes for an exhausting night. I briefly wonder why Little Blue isn't personally helping from the inside.

"I was helping," Little Blue says indignantly as we stand in her apartment during a potion-making lesson, "Without my efforts inside, it would have been worse. Without your efforts on the outside, I wouldn't have had a crack to get my teeth on and tear the nightmares apart."

I nod, understanding.

"Cadence has been shielded somewhat from the rigors of what Celestia goes through, and frankly what drove me into the arms of Nightmare Moon," Little Blue explains as the mixture we'd collected merrily bubbled. "She was beloved, but not a source of advancement for all the social climbers. Suddenly, she is, and all that drives 'Tia crazy, and that I mistook for something positive, descended on her full force. Love stopped being a universally positive force."

She lifted the beaker from the flame as the color changed and set it on the pad to cool. The faint pink of the liquid kept darkening to purple as it cooled and the liquid absorbed the ambient local magic to give it a lasting magical effect, until it was consumed.

Little Blue looks intently at me. "That Blueblood stepped up to defend her that you cuddled with her, and that Armor and I went to rescue her from her nightmares kept her from collapsing into Cutie Mark Failure Insanity Syndrome. She still felt love as a positive force, but she came to realize it is not absolutely positive. It can be misdirected and overdone."

I shake my head. "Poor kid. I guess I'm used to seeing the dark side," I admit, "It never occurred to me that someone in her position hadn't."

Little Blue chuckles. "She had, she just beat it before," Little Blue says, "Her personality and powers let her pry anypony, even you, out of your shell. She just never felt the raw power of love of self and position thrust in her face. It felt like a perversion of everything she and her cutie mark stood for, suddenly she was surrounded by people passionately, unabashedly, profoundly in love."

"With themselves," I retort.

Little Blue nods. "Yes, love directed entirely inwards. Everything sacrificed to feed that love. She was shocked and horrified by the intensity of it," Little Blue says, "She's recovered, but it was still a shock to her entire world view."

"At least it's somewhat under control now," I say as I stare at the royal purple of the liquid in the beaker, "Filtration next?"

"Yes, after it cools to room temperature," Little Blue says, "I take it limiting the contact to a specific two hours a day meeting was your idea. 'Tia 'exiling' the nobles from court, excising their families, and the companies who assaulted them seems more like your style."

"No, it was her," I say as I look at the notes and the rest of the steps in the potion manufacture, I always hated college chemistry, now I'm glad I took it, "I suggested she pick one in tem and either drown them in the waterfalls or toss them off the edge of the city. Assaulting two royals would get a mass execution in the griffon or minotaur territories."

"I can't imagine her accepting that as an appropriate punishment," Little Blue says.

"I suggested she could make a big deal of it, then throw them off the northeastern side and simply declare them dead," I say as I lay out the tools for the next operation, and ignore Little Blue's snickering.

"I doubt a 10-foot fall would dissuade them," Little Blue says.

"It's the build up that matters, and them dealing with them officially being 'dead' to the Equestrian government," I say, "But she decided exile from the court and government attention was good enough."

I pour the cooled mixture through a filter to prevent the various ground leaves, twigs, stones, and other stuff from batting into the potion vial. "That's it?" I ask, and get a nod from Little Blue, "How long is this good for?"

"As long as it's kept tightly stoppered, a few hundred years. If the liquid evaporates, it can be renewed with fresh spring water, but it'll be much weaker," she explains, "My stores in the old castle are long past useless."

"Until I delved, I wondered what all those racks of discolored vials were," I say, "Bye the way, there is a solution on your 'universal solvent' question: what do you keep it in?"

"If even a magically reinforced container could hold it, it wouldn't be a universal solvent, now would it," Little Blue sounds like a crusty, old teacher.

I point to the bottle of Aqua Regia. "You keep it in two bottles until you're ready to use it."

The facehoof is truly worth the effort.

Running into Muttonchops, again, is beginning to give me a complex. Being 'Father Confessor' to half the really important ponies in the capital is wearing. A sergeant important? The most senior sergeant to whom even officers look to as the institutional memory, you better believe important. The record of the difficulties of campaigns handed down through the people who had to get the nuts and bolts aspects of it to work, very important.

Of course I read those records, I'm not stupid.

He doesn't order, he just directs me to a balcony to view the huge dome now encasing the city. "Funny thing about vague threats," he says, "They make you do the tried and true. But the question always is, 'Is that what they want me to do?'" He turns to look at me. "I think you're a threat to Equestria and all she stands for. Her Highness is certain she can channel that into just the bad things that need changing. I accept that I will have to disagree, but follow orders. Different levels of wisdom, one looking forward with dreams, one looking back with bitter experience. You have the advantage of not fitting in any understandable category." He turns to look at the dome. There are other ponies around so I can't answer, maybe he wanted that. "Maybe her Highness is right. About you. But I kept help but wonder about this." He gestures at the shield. "It's what we should do, but that's what everyone who's ever walked into an epic defeat thought. 'It's always worked in the past' is the most dangerous part of thinking. It's right and the best course, most of the time, but that one in a thousandth time . . . " He sighed and leaned on the balcony railing. "This time I'm sure, we are missing something."

When he looks at me, I nod. The idea of closing off the city sits edgewise in my head. I never read Sun Tzu, but any teacher knows that they walk into the room outnumbered dozens to one, and the only way to 'win' is keep enough of the class awake and intent on learning from you, that they can keep the more restive elements under control.

"Oh, one of your secrets is out," Muttonchops says, "Among the guards at least. We're looking forward to spoiling the kid rotten, and instilling a good discipline, at the same time. Figures the foal should take after his dad." He leaves chuckling.

"That was just weird," Swift Wind comments, "Is he going to support you, or assassinate you?"

"I've got your back," Parrot Boy says, "So I and I alone can put the dagger there."

I shrug. At least he's honest about it.

16S) Spartacus Goes Rolling Along

I Am Not Spartacus - Spartacus Goes Rolling Along
by Dan's Comments
Based in the 'Your Human and You' universe by MadMaxtheBlack
This story is NOT canon with Your Human and You

DISCLAIMER: My Little Pony is the property of Hasbro, Inc.

Terrahoof was proud of her store, but was lamenting that Canterlot had not been the opportunity she'd been told it would be. "Marigold was a better customer," the mare sighed, "And she was just one unicorn."

The bell to the front door snapped her out of her funk and she plastered on a smile she didn't really feel. Customers are customers, she thought. She paused at she spotted them. I might be wrong about that, she considered the small cavalcade arriving.

She recognized the cutie mark of Princess Cadence on the human's shirt, and thought the red bird on the human's shoulder had to be Philomena, Celestia's pet phoenix.

Terrahoof squared her shoulders. Her father, an undertaker, had drilled into her at an early age 'treat everyone the same, just as another future customer'. She vaguely wondered if the human was the customer, and the ponies were the adornment, as the ponies were looking around, while the human was actively pulling papers from his saddlebag.

Philomena looked over the papers as the human approached the mare. He laid down the papers and then began setting out four sets of boots, checking the drawing and rearranging the boots so the pattern and numbers matched the drawing.

Okay, he's bright, but he's not that bright, Terrahoof thought as she looked at the drawing which seemed to indicate that the boots were to be duplicated as rollerskates. She fought down a moment of panic as she realized the four ponies that the human was directed to get rollerskates for. And he's scooping up a bunch of my business cards! she thought as the human looked at the paper, the handful of cards, and put both into his pack.

Philomena made a chirrup, and indicated the pile of bits picture on the drawing and looked at her.

One of the guards approached, the small, unicorn stallion. "They need to be ready by the end of the week," he said, "For Hearts and Hooves Day."

By Celestia's mane, I'm going to have to call in Bearing, Rimride; Tartarus, the whole family. If Princess Celestia gets rollerskates for Hearts and Hooves Day, everypony in Canterlot is going to want them! She barely acknowledged the foreleg waved in front of her muzzle.

"How much?" the black unicorn asked.

"Custom units are 50 bits for the set of four," she said as horror and hope warred in her mind.

The human set out the 160 bits, paused to look at her, and when she nodded set an additional 40 with a sign saying 'To Insure Promptness'. Terrahoof gulped and nodded, and watched as the cavalcade trooped out.

"Wait, which one of them was ordering . . . if not the guards then . . . " Terrahoof shrugged. "I don't care if it was the human ordering them and he up bargained me, I've been paid and warned of the onslaught. Better get to work, and start sending out train tickets."

Luna thought about one of Percy's phrases: 'Ants in the pants', and that until this moment, she hadn't really understood it. Few ponies and almost no humans wore pants. Now I understand it completely, she thought as her sister practically danced with anticipation, worry and expectations, switching from one to another too fast to let Luna help her with any of the powerful emotions yanking her this way and that.

That this was a meeting with their royal gynecologist/urologist had Luna a bit confused. She hasn't had any health problems, Luna thought and smirked, And she gets sick so rarely, she's such a drama queen when she does get sick.

Dr. Honey Blossom entered, looking like she'd again today heard too many of the innumerable jokes her name counterposed against her profession elicited.

At least I never said any of those jokes in her presence, Luna thought as she ruthlessly squelched an even dozen that sprang to mind.

"We've confirmed it, your Highness," the doctor said, "The techs are sworn to secrecy, but there's no doubt what-so-ever."

Celestia had gone from eager anticipation to stunned shock. Luna wanted nothing more than to shake the answers from one or both of them. She bided her time awaiting the return of her sister's wits from wherever they'd fled to.

"What have they confirmed?" Luna asked the doctor after an interminable interval of Celestia-as-furniture had passed.

"You may soon be an aunt," Honey Blossom said.

"I'm already . . . " Luna said as the conclusion blew up the track her train of thought had been on. She turned to the doctor. "Alicorns don't come into season except when - and that hasn't happened." She shuddered at the memory of the last time this had happened, and all the explaining and apologies that had to be liberally dished out. More importantly, Luna had felt nothing, and the season hit them both simultaneously. "Unless we are no longer in sync." She frowned. "Or I'm not, which is more likely."

"Not the answer either, I'm afraid," Honey Blossom said, "Her Highness' shapeshifting games let her access a human's more robust fertility. They are fecund, even compared to ponies. They have to be, considering their pony-induced, infant mortality rate and short lifespan."

Celestia finally returned from her departure. "I know when it happened. After the Elements, Discord, Tirek, and all the others, I thought I would never recover from some of my injuries."

Luna's head whipped around. "Have you told Cadence or Twilight of these injuries you spoke of?"

"Their battles have taken a lesser toll," Celestia said, "Than losing our connection to the Elements . . . cost me, you are still 'healthy' and whole in that respect."

Luna felt ashamed, but Celestia hugged her. "You are innocent of the crimes of Nightmare Moon, my sister. Even I knew nothing of what those battles cost us, cost me, until later."

Luna was still shocked. "There remains the other person who needs to know."

Celestia looked shocked but covered it with bafflegab, "The political results of this will be staggering."

Luna nodded. "Another roadblock to the throne and that is just for starters."

It is Hearts and Hooves Day, Celestia thought as she woke, One day I truly envy my ponies, although I shouldn't complain too much. Maybe I should have married him while Discord held sway. If poor Cadence's experience is anything to go by, Discord and a Royal Wedding would go together only too well. She sleepily reached for her hoofcovers, only to find a box where they usually were. The simple ribbon and lack of card tickled a concern in her mind, but she noted the discreet guards were in place and would have checked it before it had been laid there.

She still opened it carefully. NO! she thought of the contents, Only Luna would know, no, he read my journals as well. Celestia carefully put the cover back on the box, placed it under her wing. I still have to raise the sun. Then!

She nearly collided with a happily pronking Luna who showed her the contents of a similar box.

"We have one duty to attend to," Celestia said regally, calming Luna before her infective mood spread and all propriety would be forgotten.

"Can't Cadence handle it this once?" Luna whined, "Soon the halls will be too crowded."

"If you've lost the skill, then too bad for you," Celestia said as they trotted towards the balcony where they normally did their most important, daily work.

"Ha!" Luna scoffed, "We'll see who has lost the skill."

Speed. I am speed.

There is the slalom, lean, turn, don't touch the posts, keep up the speed. Between and around. I am speed. Another pair, figure-8 this time, mind the corners. Around and around and away.

I am speed.

Stairs. Crouch, jump, stick the landing. Dodge a slow one. I am speed.

Doors closed. Quick 180, back the way I came.

I am speed.

"ZOOM!" says a competitor.

Zoom? Ha. I pass you easily. I am speed!

The day's events were suddenly overshadowed by the report. Celestia longed to put off the hoof covers and return to her rollerskates. "How accurate is this?" she asked, hoping that the various auguries were just a bit of paranoia. The elderly ponies in their sigil- and rune-encrusted robes looked at each other worriedly.

"We've done the testing three times, Your Highness," the chief mystical leader said, setting three, odd metal shapes on the table. Each weird sculpture was of a different metal, but each was similar in form as if two had been expertly copied from the third. "Copper, the metal of craft; gold, the metal of money; and iron, the metal of war, all three nearly identical and all three promising an invasion this season at the latest. Likely within the month."

"Why didn't this show up earlier?" Armor asked.

"Because someone made a serious decision and moved their plans from idle to active," the leader said, "There are always rumors of war, but they are so unlikely we never bring them up. This moved suddenly from unlikely to absolute certainty, and the invasion will be of Canterlot, not Equestria. At least not at first."

Is this related to my condition? Celestia thought, Have I done this?

Luna studied the maps of the world that lined the war room. "The overland and oversea routes save to the north would be too difficult. It would have to be an aerial invasion. The dragons' migration could be a source, but the griffons are at peace with us. Some unknown power?"

"Odd that is corresponds with the wedding," Shining Armor said, "Although Cadence would kill me for suggesting it, but could that be what's drawing them?"

Celestia stopped. "Sombra?" she whispered, then more audibly, "Could he have escaped early? Before the Crystal Empire returned?"

Luna nodded. "We didn't expect Tirek, and he was on our doorstep before Percy deflected him," she said.

"I think we need to avoid jumping to any conclusions," Shining Armor said, "We institute the standard defense protocols and be more vigilant. There is the chance that this isn't an enemy from your ancient past, and is a new enemy."

Or a civil war due to the pregnancy, would my ponies, would my neighbors move because they think I'm weakened? Celestia thought, With Luna back, and Cadence far stronger than when she toured the other nations, Equestria wouldn't be weaker even if I were gone. Wouldn't I have seen some indications?

"Intelligence hasn't detected much from the other nations," Shining Armor continued, "But we don't have the entire planet covered either."

"Raise the shield, establish guard rotations," Celestia said as she studied the odd collections of metal with their spikes, blobs, twists and voids, created by pouring molten metal into large basins of specially prepared water. That three were nearly identical frightened everypony who understood the process. "As this is aimed squarely at Canterlot, call in reinforcements from the other, large cities." She looked up from the prognostications made solid. "We must be ready for anything."

The day had been one of emotional whiplashes. The rollerskates, the war council, the festival of missteps, and searching for a way to tell Percy what had happened. It all comes down to this, she thought, Did Luna keep her promise? What was his reaction? I couldn't sleep well enough to join the dream. Does he know?

She almost squealed as he rubbed her belly with his, but she remembered him in the past snuggling against her in his sleep as he woke, seeking more warmth and closeness as day approached and separated them.

"Luna told you?" she asked at his thunderstruck expression on coming fully awake.

Does he think it a joke? Does he think it an errant nightmare? Is he as happy about it as I am? Will there be a thousand, well three, well-chosen question? she thought, her mind and heart racing as he came fully to the enormity of the revelation.

When he shyly nodded and rubbed her belly again, she squealed like a happy filly and hugged him, rolling on her back in her bed with her lover and their child upon her.

After a bit she forced herself to stop. She had to put on the mask of Her Serene Highness, and Percy had to go back to the role he played.

"Don't tell," she reminded him, "You're so gabby, but I don't want to infringe on someone else's special day."

Percy stared at her and scratched his head in the perfect 'perplexed human' look, then brightened and patted her head.

Celestia thought the less experienced guards were going to lose their composure right there. She kissed Percy, before they went their separate ways.

Swift Wind had to keep herself on a tight leash, or her emotions would run away with her. The other guards don't know, but I do, she thought, Celestia is pregnant, and Percy's the father. What that is going to do to the nobles is beyond belief. If they thought Percy an anomaly before, they'll really think he's a threat now.

She didn't let her amazement get in the way of her duties, she still watched, analyzed and subtly moved to screen threats and potential threats. But she still thought, In Saddle Arabia the skinny, high-borne mares would transfer their growing broods to mares like me, so they wouldn't have to go through the hardships, and so the unborn foals would have an easier birth. A rational system, until you added in that the broodmares were worked to an early grave by the constant demands, and they were ruthlessly forced into it. When I realized I was bigger and stronger than any of the guards, and what my fate really was, I escaped.

Her musings came to a halt as Percy opened the door to Princess Cadence's apartment and was wrapped in silk faster than any spider who ever lived, in reality or legend. She moved up to deal with the threat.

"No, no, this is all wrong, clashes terribly with the bride."

"We could dye him."

Swift Wind cleared her throat and reminded them of the large, armored equine standing in their midst that they hadn't focused on until moments before.

"T - t - try the groom's colors," one of the society mavens suggested as she removed the swatches from Percy and tried to put something solid between herself and Swift Wind. The descent of swatches was more polite, but just as unconcern about doing it to a person.

Who am I kidding? They probably did this to Cadence and Shining Armor, Swift Wind thought and suppressed the urge to buck them all out the large, rear window. That it's closed is a plus to the plan.

"Captain Armor and the groomsmen will be wearing ambassadorial dress uniforms," Swift Wind said with a patience she didn't feel. "Match the uniform colors -"

"We can't have that."

"They're such drab things."

"You're thinking battle dress, not ambassadorial dress," Mockingbird said in Swift Wind's voice as he arrived. She saw his wry smile. "Besides, he can't outshine the bride."

It's as if he'd thrown a smoke bomb in a flock of pigeons, the matrons all turned to argue with each other. Percy showed a case of situational awareness that rivaled an experienced guard's, and backed out, closing the door silently behind him. That he neatly dodged Prince Blueblood's Dusk Shine from running into him, without appearing to dodge was also masterful.

She did practically trip over Mockingbird, but a quick ear scratch eliminated that misunderstanding.

While Mockingbird floated in a sea of happy, Percy gestured at the door. Mockingbird woke enough to shove Dusk Shine into the pit of squalling matrons. The door sealed, we beat a hasty retreat.

The point of our rapid redeployment became clear, Princess Luna's apartment.

Gaining entry yielded a scene from a melodrama or the aftermath of a disaster. Only Luna seemed to be her usual self, angry but tolerant. Both Princess Cadence and her hoofmaiden looked like they'd finished a guards' full obstacle course, and were then told they failed. Anger, frustration, confusion and an almost disconnectedness suffused both. They were operating on muscle memory instead of thinking, and not doing much of anything beyond dealing with what was in front of them.

Cadence waved Percy over and glanced among the trio. "I didn't mean to frighten you."

'Frighten us'? Milady, just tell me who we have to kill to make this better and they are dead, Swift Wind wanted to tell her.

Percy had other plans. "Mockingbird, see if you can find Captain Armor."

Mockingbird started to salute, then paused, his forehoof hanging there as he considered the rationality of the order despite whom it came from. He trotted away.

Swift Wind stepped away, letting the family have a bit of privacy. Then he unlimbers a bombshell to shock everypony, Swift Wind thought, I've grown immune.

"Percy has a brilliant plan to end all your suffering and let you and Shining Armor face these people with a smile on your face, and a song in your heart," he said.

Oh dear, too late to grab the two Princesses and leap out the window, Swift Wind lamented inwardly and braced up for the storm, Oh dear, oh dear, three princesses.

Shining Armor and Princess Celestia arrived. Parasol trotted over to brief Shining Armor, but Percy interrupted.

"Most Excellent, we have a quorum." Percy clapped his hands and grinned at everypony. More theatrically, he added, "Is everyone ready to take part in my nefarious plan to strip those busyponies of any power over Prince Cadence and Captain Shining Armor's wedding?"

Celestia, bless her heart, breaks through the stunned silence first. "You can't cancel it."

The rest of us could only nod.

"Your Highnesses, I have no intention of canceling it," he told them in soothing tones, in direct contradiction to his expression. "Princess Luna can you stand up, right where you are, it's perfect." While Luna stood, he turned to the other diarch. "Okay, your Highnesses and Captain Armor, when I nod to you, you say 'I do', then we can -"

"What are you doing?" Swift Wind demanded, "You aren't going to perform the wedding right now are you?"

The horrified expression on the others marked their dawning comprehension.

Oh dear Lady Epona, I've started to think like him! she lamented.

He began pointing to the ponies and naming their roles. Cadence. "Bride." Shining Armor. "Groom." Their Highnesses. "Sideponies." Parasol and herself, Swift Wind. "Two witnesses." He turned to the assembly. "The bride and groom, a sidepony to stand with each one, and two witnesses, that's all that's legally required for a wedding to have full validity."

Cadence glanced around nervously, "But the guests, the catering?"

Percy waved her concern away. "Political theater, nothing more."

He's on a roll, Swift Wind thought, Now is the time to determine which type of noble you are, your Highness.

"Are you concerned with the pony, or the party?" Swift Wind asked.

Cadence looked at Shining Armor. "The pony," she said quietly.

He blushed right down to his fetlocks in reply.

And she wonders why everypony loves her, Swift Wind thought.

Percy continued, "Let the functionaries create the political theater, this is just for you two."

"Seven," Luna added, and smirked at Celestia.

"Very well," Percy said, "That's settled. Who gives this stallion?"

Trying to remain solemn and not burst out laughing, Celestia said, "I do?"

The bold captain of the guard, victor of a dozen battles looked to the two princesses, and at Cadence. When she nodded, he said, "I do."

"Who gives this mare?" Percy asked.

"I do," Luna said, also fighting the giggles at the trick they were playing, denying the nobles power over anything.

Cadence barely restrained herself from lunging at Shining Armor. "I do!"

"Then by the power of Equestrian law and before these witnesses I declare you husband and wife, you may kiss," Percy said, and the hearts of everypony melted as the two lovers kiss so tenderly. Like a first love or a returning, lost child.

"Oh, that's why I couldn't find them," Mockingbird said as he entered. His ears drooped as he glanced around, "Just what did I miss?"

Everyone started laughing. Celestia and Luna take the opportunity to kiss both Cadence and Shining Armor. Percy waved Parasol forward, and when she couldn't move from the tears streaming down her cheeks, he marched over and slid her across the smooth floor so she could kiss the married couple.

Swift Wind got into line behind Percy and enjoyed Mockingbird's dawning realization of the enormity of what he just missed.

The two little girls met again in the high tower. Smiles were exchanged to verify their bonafides, and then they could begin.

"He is not from this world," one said, "They occasionally fall through from elsewhere. We collect them, and take them where it is safe."

"My mother and I know, and we also know it doesn't matter. If all goes to plan, then he will be what is needed," the other said, "Have you applied your tests to Dusk Shine, she seems oddly and intelligently determined."

"Some humans are throwbacks, more clever than most, but nothing of what they were," the one said, "Dusk Shine is a savant at the one thing that interests her. Outside of that, she is nearly as witless as ponies think humans are."

"So, you have a control to compare against," the other said, shocking the one, " 'Then I have guessed your riddle.' You want a breeding pair. Await the return of the Crystal Empire, and Sombra's defeat. Then your colony will be safe, and your secret plan will breed true, instead of having the Three Tribes' Curse stunt them as it does the natives."

The one nodded and they parted, both to consider their own schemes hanging on Celestia's.

Mockingbird was more and more feeling the 'not a disciplinary posting' was a serious disciplinary posting. Rescuing Princess Cadence from the mob, dealing with idiots trying to lure Percy off to sample what Celestia was getting, and dealing with the fact he seemed to enjoy saying something after he'd put his hand on Mockingbird's head. The screaming terror on somepony's face, that instantly vanished when they recognized Mockingbird.

Face it, Mockingbird thought glumly as he followed Percy around, He's better at your shtick than you are.

The nervous looks from the other guards weren't helping. There was a lot going on besides the wedding, Princess Celestia's rumored pregnancy, and the shield over Canterlot. The rubes from the sticks wanting to see The Crimson Death domesticated was getting to be a bigger danger than everything outside.

"He doesn't look so tough," a bull sergeant from Baltimare said, "I could take him easy."

"Percy, don't kill her," Mockingbird said in bored tones, "She's probably all fat and gristle, no good meat on her."

Where the heck is Swift Wind? Mockingbird thought, then glanced over. Percy had struck like a snake, had the cop on her back, and left front and right rear hooves cuffed.

Then the bastard had the old cop squealing in the middle of her fellows as he tickled the center of her cuffed hooves. Percy, looking as innocent as ever, simply continued until the cop couldn't breathe, then stepped away.

"Yeah, I saw how you handled him," Mockingbird said, "Now if he'd thought you were a threat, he would have broken those limbs, not cuffed them."

Mockingbird and Percy trotted away, once around the corner Percy broke into a run, and dashed around several more corners so pursuit would have been impossible.

Then he handed over the cops' badge, and several sets of hoof cuff keys.

"How'd you steal all of them?" Mockingbird asked, to which Percy patted him on the head.

"One of these days you're gonna have to explain all this," Mockingbird said.

Infuriatingly, Percy just shrugged and pointed towards Mile Stone's office. Mockingbird looked at the badge and keys, and shrugged.

Cadence felt drained. Worse she felt like she and the world had betrayed her Cutie Mark. She thought that if she'd tried harder, if she explained better, and if she'd used her powers, she might have gotten things better. The spiraling thoughts ended as she saw one of her least favorite ponies hove into view.

Why is he here? she wondered, And why did he stand with Armor to protect me?

"Good afternoon Prince Blueblood, are you all right?" she asked of the nervous stallion standing in her living room. She didn't remember ever seeing him nervous before.

Being immune to the opinion of others is practically his Cutie Mark, she thought.

"That depends on how much Percy has told you," Blueblood said, "And whether you believe him or the rumor mill."

"Percy generally keeps confidences," she told him, "Unless he's released or it's very important. And in the latter case he just leads you to the conclusion."

Blueblood bowed his head looking genuinely chagrined, another thing Cadence, who'd known him almost his entire life, had never seen before.

"What is it?" she asked, her concern drawing her out of her shell.

"Simply put, I'll be giving you and Captain Armor my entire stable of humans as a wedding gift. The Crystal Empire will soon be reappearing. Whatever Celestia and Luna have done in the past seems to have started unraveling since Luna's return: Discord, Tirek, Nightmare Moon, although the last was a given. It is logical to think that Sombra will be next, or at least soon. As Empress, you'll need a staff, guards, and a basic workforce. Mine are well-trained, attentive, and they like you and Percy, so they'll understand, hopefully, why I'm sending them away."

"Why are you sending them away? And to me especially?" she asked as she got up off the couch and began really looking at Blueblood.

The mirthless laugh was another anomaly. It wasn't mocking, she'd heard that before, but it was sardonic.

"The one secret I wish everypony knew, and it's better kept than the formula for Snaf Bars," he said, "I am dying, hold your applause, and as a side-effect, I have little fits. They are growing in intensity and frequency. Soon, I actually will be crazy all the time, instead of just acting the part most of the time." He waved a forehoof to interrupt her question. "The condition would require surgery beyond ponies' ability. As I told Percy, I'd be better off as a human, their vets are better surgeons that pony doctors are."

"Have you told Celestia?" Cadence asked.

"Healing magic is not her strong suit, neither is it Princess Luna's. Ironically, Discord might have been a chance, which is why you found me in that deplorable condition," he said, "I had a bit of a fit, and considered asking his help, and paying the price asked. I wasn't just cowardly, but I was genuinely ashamed." He shook his head. "Listen to me ramble. No, I haven't burdened our Sovereign with yet another problem she cannot possibly solve. Nor should you. Eventually the disease or its consequences will end me, and in this lucid moment I am relieved. Perhaps I'll attack you, and Percy will do me the mercy of the quick end I can't find the strength to administer myself."

He had been bowing his head, now he straightened up. "Well, considering you'll be getting 40 new mouths to feed and look after, I thought I should warn you," he told her, "Before the wedding, and so you can know the truth and not treat it as the white elephant it might otherwise seem." He winced. "Must dash, sorry." He shook his head to clear it as he ambled to the door.

Cadence was alone again and her heart was burdened with what she'd heard. How much of what we, I, know about him is those fits? And how much is him? she wondered, Well, now I've certainly got something besides myself to focus on, thank you for that. Staff for the Crystal Empire, does everypony know about that but me?

Cadence woke and looked around frantically. Gone were her room, her bed, Shining Armor and Percy. What confronted her was a nightmare: Herself.

"I was afraid you weren't going to wake up," her doppleganger said, "You can't escape, and frankly you don't even know where you are to escape to."

I know I'm in the caverns under Canterlot, she thought, I had to chase Twilight through these once she heard about . . .

"The places where pony magic doesn't work!" Cadence gasped as her powers utterly failed to respond.

"Yes, all those troublesome powers and a junior alicorn, but without any of them, you're just a zebra with extra bits," her doppleganger told her, and was surprised by the spring and strike.

Percy didn't teach me nothing, she thought, relishing the vague fear on her target's face, only to pass through it and she landed against the wall.

"I'm not stupid enough to stand against a protege of The Crimson Death," her mirror image told her, "You'd be amazed how much he loves you, and Celestia. He might even realize that I'm not you, but your safety will keep him neutralized. Shining Armor is just a pony, and we've been dealing with them for eons. So don't expect any help there."

"Who's 'we'?" Cadence demanded as she stood to confront her image.

"I'm so sorry," her mirror image told her, "I'm not going to tell anypony, until we've won. And thanks to you, that will be soon. Maybe after a time, I'll let you return to the world of the living, and you'll see that you ponies can be content with much less."

The image faded leaving Cadence alone in the near total darkness to fume. She struck the wall, and watched the crystals grow back. "Okay, battering my way out of here isn't going to get me anywhere." She quickly searched herself and found what she was looking for, a small gem that reflected far more light than was in the cavern.

Parasol's little wonder, Cadence thought, And dragon magic isn't affected. Maybe Percy or Armor would know how to make this a bomb, but I have to hope Parasol needs to find me and use her trinket to do so. That'll lead her here, instead of to that . . .

"Changeling," she whispered, "That's why she bragged about how much Percy and Armor loved me, as if I were unaware. With that much love fueling a changeling, she might be stronger than, Celestia."

Cadence began searching the walls for where the crystals were fewest, so she could start battering her way out without the walls regrowing.

Epilogue - Meeting the Family

Author's Note

A collaboration with MadMaxtheBlack. Somewhat Spoilerish as it occurs after the end of the planned events of I Am Not Spartacus.

Epilogue - Meeting the Family

Epilogue - Meeting the Family
by Dan's Comments and MadMaxtheBlack
Based in the 'Your Human and You' universe by MadMaxtheBlack and use of his characters is approved.

DISCLAIMER: My Little Pony is the property of Hasbro, Inc.

"Now remember, you have to make a good impression on Twilight," Pink tells me, for about the third time. "She's got a human, and I think she's developing feelings for him. For a mare like Twilight, it can be a very difficult time."

"Why not have Celestia explain the birds and the bees to her?" I ask.

"Considering that from what I can tell, you taught that to her, I don't think that is a good idea. Besides, for you Celestia is 'the Great White'. For poor Twilie she's 'THE GREATEST WHITE WHO IS OR EVER COULD EXIST IN A RATIONAL OR JUST UNIVERSE'. Can you imagine Celestia explaining coupling with a human to Twilight?"

"I think you'd be short one Harmony Bearer until you could bolt her to a cart and wheel her around to aim at the enemy. Despite that you will just be relating what Celestia told you, and what I've related to you and Armor," I mention and chuckle at Pink becoming pinker.

"Oh, her human, like I said, Twilight is very fond of him. He had some very bad experiences in a fighting pit. So please don't spook him, or her. Just be on your best 'Happy Percy' behavior."

I nod. "Understood, be polite, be courteous, show professionalism, and have a plan to kill everyone in the room."

Pink facehoofed. "We're never going to get you civilized, are we?"

"Nope, but I can fake it better than most ponies," I reply.

Staring up at the sparkling palace through the tinted glasses Twilight had bought for him upon arriving in the Empire, Max chewed on the inside of his cheek. His eyes roamed over the sparkling towers and battlements, covered in blue and purple banners. True to what she had told him earlier, Twilight's description of the city looking like it was made of crystals had been correct.

Keeping his eyes on the palace before him, he leaned his head towards Twilight, who was standing beside him, a small smile on her face.

~It's pretty. I'll give it that~ he signed.

"Yes," she said, nodding her head in agreement. "It is rather pretty, especially after the Crystal Heart has been activated."

They continued to stand there, admiring the view, for several more minutes before Twilight snorted. When Max glanced down at her, she nodded her head towards the palace, her smile growing.

"Come on," she said. "We best go let them know we're here, that way Cadence and Shining don't begin to worry about us. The last thing we need is the guards coming to look for us."

With that, the pair headed off towards the palace, a slight bounce in Twilight's step.

As they walked through the town, Max couldn't help but notice that there were significantly less humans here than in Equestria. Twilight had explained to him that the reason for the small numbers of humans was that humans had been fewer in number before the Crystal Empire had disappeared. Most of the ones that were present now had only arrived after the empire had returned. Even so, it felt weird to actually see the slim population, though they weren't hard to spot; all the humans stood out against the bright background of the crystal town.

As the pair drew closer to the palace, Twilight glanced over at her human.

"Now remember," she said. "Be on your best behavior. The crystal ponies are still a little unsure about humans in general, and the last thing we need is to give them a reason to distrust them more."

~Yes, mommy~ Max signed, rolling his eyes. Twilight bumped his hip with her shoulder, causing him to stumble slightly. When he glared down at her, she just stuck out her tongue and continued to walk along.

As Max fell back into step behind her again, Twilight paused, glancing back over her shoulder at him.

"Oh yeah," she said. "I just remembered. Cadence and Shining have a human as well, named Ursine Persiflage." Max stopped walking and gave her an incredulous look, causing her to giggle.

"Yes, I know. It's quiet the mouthful. Percy, if you'd like," she continued as he started walking again. "He was apparently a pit-fighter - " Max inhaled sharply, his pupil dilating " - but is extremely well tempered. He socializes well with others, and only attacks if his immediate family is threatened."

~Used to be a pit-fighter?~ Max asked, feeling uneasy. ~Are you sure he's safe to be around?~

"Positive," Twilight said with a giggle. "Cadence swears by it. I personally don't have much experience with him. In fact, the only real interaction I've had with Percy was when he fished me out of a fountain I had fallen into when I lived back in Canterlot."

~When you fell into a fountain?~ Max asked, raising an eyebrow. Twilight's ears folded back, a small blush forming on her face.

"I was chasing a moth to see if it would eat a particular flower when I got distracted and fell into a fountain," she muttered, not looking up at him. By the way she said it, Max could tell that she was leaving some details out of the story. "Percy happened to be close by and had to fish me out."

Max laughed as Twilight blush grew. He stopped, however, when something she said registered in his mind.

~Wait, you said he fished you out of the fountain?~ he asked, earning a nod from Twilight. ~I thought humans couldn't swim~

"The fountain wasn't that deep," Twilight explained. "He was able to stand up inside it."

~And you couldn't?~ he asked, smirking as Twilight pouted.

"The fall might have stunned me a little," Twilight grumbled, her ear flicking in annoyance. "Look, that's not important. You just need to know that Percy is gentle as long as you don't mess with his family."

~Right~ he signed, nodding his head. ~No messing with Shining during the visit if I wish to keep my head~

"Exactly," Twilight said. "Now, behave. We're here." Max glanced up at the large door in front of the pair, the palace looming far above casting a shadow down upon them.

Taking a deep breath, Twilight placed a hoof against the door and pushed, causing it to swing open smoothly with no sound or resistances. She flashed Max a quick smile before entering.

He continued to stare up at the open door for a few more seconds before following behind her.

Cadence watched Twilight arrive. "Sunshine, sunshine. Ladybugs awake! Clap your hooves and do a little shake!" she greeted her favorite filly. She caught Max's faint grin, but Percy was still setting the table and missed it. "Percy, Twilight and I can do that, please come here."

Percy had to finish the setting before he came over. Cadence enjoyed Twilight's reaction. Percy was about as big as Max, but he carried a different aura. He was clearly a bit older, and more hardened.

"Oh don't let him spook you. With family, he's a real sweetie," Cadence said, "Percy, Twilight and Max are family. Twilight and Max are family, understand?"

Percy played the role of clever, but still dim human. He seemed to take a while to comprehend, then leaned over to sniff Twilight's mane, then Max's hair. Cadence almost lost it from Max's expression at the examination.

What the hell is he doing? Max thought as Percy sniffed him. I've never had an Equestrian human do this before. Apparently satisfied with what he smelt, the human backed off, giving Max a blank look.

When she was sure that Percy had finished, Cadence cleared her throat.

"Now, you to go play. We've got girl talk," she said and pointed to the table Percy had set up earlier.

Cadence poured tea for herself and Twilight, and positioned herself to watch everyone. "So, how have you and Max been getting on?"

Twilight blushed and glanced around. "We've gone on study trips, we've read books together, and he even entered a human show. Didn't you enter Percy in a few?"

Cadence nodded. "We got a few ribbons," Cadence said, "Percy was extremely clever and trainable. How did Max do in the shows?"

Same Twilight, study something to death before moving forward, Cadence thought.

Percy led Max over to the human-proportioned table. There was no silverware here, and the teapot was steel rather than fine china. But the tea was the same, he could serve both of them milk and sugar, and something he hoped Max would enjoy. He had avoided the whole 'meat pills' business and had been very firm with Cadence and Armor, and through them the chefs here and in Canterlot, that Percy got a small amount of real animal protein in his diet. He understood their reticence when most of the normal sources could either hold a conversation, or at least follow very complicated voice commands. Cheeses were the usual answer, but sometimes they weren't enough. He vastly preferred to go further down the evolutionary chain than most Americans were comfortable with to get his protein, rather than risk the whole 'Soylent Green is people' that he strongly suspected was the source of the meat pills.

"Oh, he got First Place," Twilight said, as eager for the distraction as she was proud of Max.

"Have you considered sleeping together?" Cadence asked. She kept on smiling as Twilight sprayed tea out of her nose. "Oh dear, I guess Ponyville is so much warmer having extra bodies isn't needed."

Max watched the other human, Percy, cautiously as the pair slowly began to make their way around the food table, Percy leading the way. Occasionally, he would stop beside a dish, motioning towards the food upon it while glancing back at Max. If it was something that he liked - a cookie, chunk of cheese, or juice - Max would take some, carefully avoiding getting too close to his fellow human. He might have looked and acted casual, but Max still felt uneasy around Percy, like a sheep beside a wolf.

Twilight stared at her as she blotted her face. "No, I have not."

"Armor and I slept with him, when we needed to feel safe. After all, it's like having a fierce guard dog all ready to protect you, but just wants to be your fluffy, lap dog."

Twilight just stared at her for a moment. "You mean, sleeping, like just sleeping?"

Why does he keep glancing over at me? Max worried, constantly keeping Percy just on the edge of his vision. He wanted enough of a warning to make a break for it should Percy suddenly turn hostile.

Cadence pouted at Twilight. "What else could I mean?"

Twilight sighed. "I thought you meant, sleeping together."

Reaching the end of the table, Percy motioned towards a plate of 'shrimp' spring rolls, hoping that Max might like them. As he watched the timid human inch closer to the plate, he also hoped that he wouldn't eat every single one of them either.

Conscious of Percy's gaze upon him, Max reached tentatively towards the rolls, only to flinch back when his hand brushed against Percy's.

"I was going to wait for you to finish your tea to ask about that," Cadence said, and watched the 'dance' going on behind them.

Percy looked at the skittish reaction, and carefully removed five of the rolls, set them before Max, and backed to the end of the table. This kid must really have gotten pounded in the arena. I'd better expect plenty of PTSD. That must have been why Pink was so adamant, Percy realized.

Max watched as Percy backed off, leaving five of the rolls sitting before him. Pushing aside his confusion at the sudden show of kindness, Max reached for the rolls, all the while keeping a close watch on Percy out of the corner of his eye. Picking up a roll, he brought it to his mouth and took a bite, chewing slowly as he savored the taste.

Percy had no idea why Armor was stalking into the room like a tiger on the hunt. He'd never seen Armor act like that. Of course I've never seen him interact with his sister before either, he realized Must be a brother-sister thing.

Max yelped in surprise as something latched onto his back, causing him to stumble. A quick glance down showed a pair of white forelegs wrapped around his chest. A bit of blue mane entering his vision was the final piece of the puzzle, and Max suddenly realized who his 'attacker' was. Shining? The faintest of smiles touched Max's lips as he reached back and grabbed a hold of the unicorn currently clinging to his back.

Shaking his back, Max managed to pull Shining Armor off of his back. With a grunt, Max pulled Shining up, over his shoulder, straining slightly at the weight. Before Shining managed to grab a hold of him again, Max tossed him to the floor. The unicorn skidded across the floor, before coming to a rest several feet away.

Max's triumph at having managed to counter Shining's attack was short lived, however, when he realized what he had just done, and who the particular human standing next to him was. Slowly, and with much trepidation, Max turned his gaze towards Percy, who was eying the crumpled body of Armor with an almost confused look.

Percy looked from Max to Armor and back. Not the best hello, he thought, Besides, there's a better way. He waggled his fingers at Armor, letting him know what was coming. He quietly whistled 'Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better'' from Annie Get Your Gun as he caught Armor. The unicorn squealed as Percy reminded him how ticklish ponies were.

Twilight looked over at Shining having 'pounced' on Max, then Percy seemed to intervene when Max backed off.

"Like I said, he's very protective of family," Cadence said as Shining laughed and tried to defend himself, but Percy moved too fast and Shining was laughing too hard to use his magic.

"I surrender! I surrender!" Shining shouted, and Percy stepped back, and helped Shining to his feet.

"His expression never changed," Twilight said, "Is that normal?"

"For Percy it is, Twilie," Shining said and hugged Twilight. "I just never expected him to turn on me, woe is me, outnumbered two-to-one."

Cadence and Twilight giggled at him. The three headed back to the tea.

"Don't look so shocked Twilie," Shining said, "We rescued him from a pit-fighting ring. You know what kind of places those are."

Twilight shuddered at the memory of the place, and Max's nightmares for weeks afterwards.

As Shining chatted with his sister, Max stared at Percy, his eyes wide. It can't be. Was... was he whistling what I think he was whistling?

Pursing his lips, Max weakly whistled out the same thing, ending it as one would end a question.

"Should we tell her?" Cadence asked.

Percy looked at the expression on Max's face. Okay, is he a good mimic, or does he know? I am not going to assume 'monkey see, monkey do', Percy thought. He waved for Max to follow him back over to the table. Once there, he poured some tea for each of them. As his hand hovered over the sugar bowl, he quietly whistled 'A Spoonful of Sugar'' from Mary Poppins.

"No, she's still too young," Shining said, "Maybe the other story."

Max's eyes widened at the sound. He is! he thought as he gave Percy a shocked look. Should I...? Quickly sorting through his memories, Max tried to come up with the best response for the 'question'. Coming up nothing, Max just shrugged mentally before whistling out tentatively 'Chim Chim Cher-ee'.

If I'm thinking correctly, he'll know this one, he thought, watching Percy's reaction carefully.

"Oh, yes, that's perfect!" Cadence said. "It was a dark night," Cadence began to tell her ghost story. "Shining had returned home after some dark dealings. And he cuddled up with Percy as the only living thing in the place."

Twilight nodded for her to continue.

Percy stared at Max. Well now, how does he know that one? Percy wondered, Let's get this localized. He whistled a few bars of Gosudarstvenny Gimn SSSR, then La Marseillaise, then O Canada. He glanced nervously over at the three ponies chatting, and considered. High risk, high reward, he told himself, and whistled a few bars of The Star Spangled Banner. Then he waited.

Max listened as Percy whistled a couple of tunes he didn't recognize, followed by something that sounded suspiciously like something he had heard his Canadian friend humming once. When Percy started whistling the last song, Max's eyes lit up in recognition. I don't believe it, Max thought, before replying with My Country, 'Tis of Thee. Finishing, he glanced over at the ponies as well, making sure they didn't hear.

"Then I came home, and we put Shining to bed, both of us cuddled with him," Cadence said, while Twilight blushed, Cadence explained, "Sometimes even the Captain of the Royal Guard needs to cuddle."

Twilight looked at Shining, expecting him to be embarrassed. She was surprised he wasn't. "Isn't that, fancying?"

Percy grinned at Max, and weathered the shocked expression. Okay he's a Brit, I'd recognize God Save The Queen anywhere. He whistled a bit of The Imperial Death March and then waved it away. He pointed to himself and whistled several bars of Simon and Garfunkel's The Boxer, then pointed to Max.

"Twilie," Shining said, "I was scared, right down to my hooves terrified. I needed someone there to tell me I wasn't alone. Percy was there for me. I wasn't in favor of getting him at first, but he was there when I desperately needed someone."

Max grinned as he realized what Percy was trying to do. Speaking in song, that's clever. Going off the assumption that Percy was trying to describe himself, Max decided to answer. Whistled a couple of bars of Johnny Cash's I've Been Everywhere, he then paused and looked at Percy expectantly.

Percy tried to remember. This is like playing Diplomacy and Name That Tune at the same time, he thought, then shrugged. He pushed the tea and the spring rolls over to Max.

"Then, the assassin slipped in," Cadence said. Twilight shivered and stared at her. Cadence continued with her ghost story, "A huge unicorn sorcerer, taller and stronger than Captain Armor. Mightier than Princess Cadence. And there, for one goal only."

Twilight stared up at her sister-in-law, as she tried to retreat into her seat. "How did you beat her?" Twilight asked.

Max snacked on the rolls as he watched Percy think, trying to remember as many songs as he could in the meantime.

"We didn't," Shining said, "We were exhausted, and she could have crept up on us and we'd never have been the wiser."

"Percy?" Twilight asked and looked over at the two humans, who seemed to be getting along. Although she'd never seen Max concentrate so hard before. "How?"

Percy pointed to them both, and whistled a bit of Elton John's Rocket Man. Then he glanced at the three chatting ponies and whistled some of Weird Al's Young, Dumb, and Ugly. He smirked at that, and added a bit of the Smurf's theme song.

At that, Max couldn't help but roll his eyes, chuckling softly as he nodded in agreement. As he tried to think of the next song to use, he rubbed the scar across his face absentmindedly. How am I suppose to continue this conversation?

"He attacked," Cadence said and leaned close to Twilight, "With a fury that impressed even Princess Celestia." Cadence saw Twilight's worshipful look and smiled. "Celestia learned to announce herself before entering our quarters."

Three, two, one, Cadence thought and saw Shining bracing himself for the connection.

Glancing up at Percy, Max pointed at him before whistling Look Down from Les Miserables, raising an eyebrow as he did so.

Percy smiled slightly and whistled a bit of Voltaire's When You're Evil. He considered and rejected Stan Rodger's Mary Ellen Carter, and instead added a bit of Defeat from the Magnificent Seven. He considered giving Max a bit of hope that he rarely had for his own fate. He whistled some of Survivor's Eye of the Tiger. The grin he gave would have frightened most ponies.

"HE ATTACKED PRINCESS CELESTIA!" Twilight shouted, attracting the attention of both humans. Twilight turned and began to march over towards the human.

"That was right before they became intimate wasn't it?" Shining asked, and glanced over at Twilight who was frozen in mid step.

Percy glared at the rulers of the Crystal Empire and looked at the stunned unicorn.

Max raised an eyebrow at Percy's response. He thought he understood what he was trying to convey. Seeing Percy giving him a curious look, Max just shrugged before motioning to himself. Whistling out McDonald's little I'm Lovin' It jingle, Max then made a whistling sound that sounded like something falling. He ended it by slamming his hands together, then motioning around him.

Percy nodded. He made sure the ponies were absorbed in their own conversation after Max clapped, then whistled a bit of Elgar's Pomp and Circumstance, paused and continued with the Eagles' Hotel California.

Twilight looked back to Armor and Cadence and returned to her chair. "Why would he fight Celestia?" she asked softly, and stared at Armor, "And why is he still alive?"

Pomp and Circumstance? Max thought, scrunching up his face slightly. Is he trying to tell me he just graduated from college? Casting a quick glance over the human before him, Max quickly threw that idea out the window. No, looks older and more mature. A college professor then? And Hotel California... is he from California, or? Rubbing his temple with a hand, he grumbled in annoyance. What I wouldn't give to talk normally right now.

"Because Celestia approved of him defending us from an interloper, and he stopped on my command," Cadence said, "Percy is . . . complicated, for a human. And Celestia was feeling very out of sorts on the Nightmare Night before Luna's return. When Percy went to check on her, one thing led to another."

"Percy is very protective of family," Armor said, "He sensed that Celestia needed 'protecting'."

Twilight squirmed a bit at that. "Celestia, and a human?" she said quietly, "But, he started it?"

Percy held out the empty teapot as the server rushed by to refill the Princesses'. He gave the retreating pony a death glare then looked at the three chatting ponies. That's all I can stands, I can't stands no more, he thought. He got Max's attention, and began teaching him the most devastating technique he had ever developed. It could lay even Celestia and Luna low, other ponies would have no chance.

Cadence chuckled. "Yes, it was Percy's idea, but Celestia continued to meet with him."

"So, what did they do?" Twilight asked, almost ashamed of herself.

"They played mostly," Armor said, and looked at Twilight just staring at him. "Massages, kisses, little bites," Armor said, furthering Twilight's horror. "It all came down to what felt good. Of course the tickle fights were epic battles, you saw him take me down. Maybe if you really trust Max -"

"SHINING!" Twilight squealed as she blushed.

Armor looked over his shoulder at the two approaching humans and braced himself. This is not going to end well, he thought and watched Cadence and Twilie focus on the humans. The instant they did, they were doomed.

Head down, eyes looking up, hands holding the open, empty tea pot for us to see, shoulders up, head slightly tilted, biting their lower lip, Armor cataloged the effect even as it ripped away his will. So brave that they don't cry despite misery beyond the pale.

"They're out of tea," Twilie said with trembling voice.

She makes it sound like a war crime, Armor thought, and snickered. Too late he realized his mistake as both turned on him alone. He could not last long against a force able to lay low even an alicorn princess. Percy gave a little sniffle. Max's bottom lip began to tremble.

When his reason returned from wherever it had fled, he saw Cadence and Twilie chuckling at him. He also noticed their teapot was now the steel one, and Percy and Max had the fine china one. "Oh, and your two would have held out longer than I did," he grumped and poured some tea, only to find the pot was still empty.

"Twilight," Cadence said, "You either trust him with your life and your heart, or you don't. Percy is loyal to Celestia, but Max has no such call on his heart. Percy had many chances to run away, even to abandon us during the Changeling Invasion, or facing Sombra. He never did."

Percy poured Max more tea and whistled the theme from Dragnet. He held out his hands and gestured for Max to do likewise, looking for callouses and scars, to try to figure out how Max's life had been. His hands showed the callouses of holding a weapon, and the few scars showed he was not beaten often.

"Has Max ever not been there when you needed him?" Armor asked.

"But that's different," Twilight said.

Max relaxed his hands, allowing Percy to study them closely, unsure of what the human was looking for. After a few seconds, he released his grip on Max's hands, nodding his head. Max gave a short whistle to catch Percy's attention before cocking an eyebrow, wiggling his hands in a silent question.

Percy picked up one of the spring rolls like a pencil, and mimed writing with it. He set it down and ran his finger over the callous on the knuckle of his middle finger where the pencil would rest. Then he picked up the roll like the hilt of a weapon and mimed stabbing. He set it down and ran his fingers over where the callouses on his hands were. He pointed at Max and tapped his middle finger, whistling the Beatles' The Tax Man.

"How?" Cadence asked, "How is it different? You trust him with your life, he trusts you with a secret that could be very dangerous. Would he hurt you if you are just able to talk to him? Or are you afraid you'll hurt him?"

Max felt the corners of his mouth begin to rise as he watched Percy 'explain'. Is he calling me a pencil pusher? Max then blinked as he realized what the second part of Percy's miming had been. First pointing at Percy, Max then held his fists up in a cliched boxing stance, all while whistling Joe Esposito's You're The Best. Then pointing at himself, Max whistled out Time of Dying from Three Days Grace.

Percy shook his head and replied with I Am A Rock by Simon and Garfunkel and Nine Inch Nail's Hurt. He smirked and added a bit of Darth Vader's Death by John Williams. He shook his head, trying to avoid depressing his fellow human and pointed at Twilight and whistled a bit of The Candy Man, then the Oompa Loompa song from Willy Wonka.

"I already have," Twilight mumbled.

Glancing over at Twilight, Max's smile grew as he watched the small alicorn talking with her family. He continued to watch her for several seconds before remembering that Percy was standing beside him. Shaking his head, he turned back to his fellow human, giving him a sheepish smile before humming Coming Home, by Diddy.

Percy nodded, and gestured to include Armor and Cadence and whistled I Feel Pretty from West Side Story then added I Don't Know How to Love Him from Jesus Christ Superstar.

"Then accept he forgave you," Armor told her, "Believe me, he'll do it. Humans, if they care, they'll forgive a lot. Percy has not had an easy life with us, but he's accepted and forgiven us for things we've done. And we've forgiven him. You were angry about Percy fighting Celestia. Once it was clear that she was family, he demanded to be punished. If you listen, they can communicate very clearly. Just don't let your preconceptions get in the way."

Glancing back and forth between Percy and his owners, Max got a concerned look on his face. Motioning towards Cadence and Shining Armor, he whistled Two Worlds by Phil Collins.

Percy smirked and nodded. He whistled a bit of It's Not Easy Being Green from The Muppet Show. A servant pony refilled the tea pot. Percy grinned and whistled a bit of the End Credits from Tombstone. He arranged six cookies in a circle, tapped one, and pointed at Twilight, then gestured at the other five. He put a handful of nuts atop each cookie and pointed to his eyes and down at the cookies.

Smirking, Max hooked a thumb over his shoulder at Twilight, making cuckoo noises as he rolled his eyes. His gaze then softened and he whistled Never Had a Friend Like Me from Aladdin before rubbing the scar across his face. To finish off, he hummed a few bars from Green Day's Good Riddance.

Percy gestured like he was adjusting a cowboy hat, and whistled a bit of Molasses to Rum to Slaves from 1776. He raised an eyebrow to Max. Max just winced, looking away from Percy.

Percy pointed at Cadence and whistled some of the Scorpion's Send Me An Angel. He put a finger against his head like a unicorn's horn, then drew a finger across his throat. He whistled some of Dragonforce's Through the Fire and Flames. He assembled the nuts on the table to spell out 'Sombra', then swept them back into their container.

Motioning towards Cadence, Max then pointed at Percy, whistled Military Taps before giving him a questioning look. He hoped Percy understood the question he was asking.

Percy motioned to include Armor and Cadence then whistled the Helen Reddy song You and Me Against the World, then added the Beatles' With a Little Help From My Friends. He pointed at Max and stuck out his tongue, then whistled some of Robert Palmer's Addicted to Love.

Max stared at Percy in confusion for a few seconds before his face lit up bright red. Glaring at the smirking human, he lifted his hand and gave Percy the bird. Turning, Max walked away from the food table, heading towards the three ponies still deep in discussion with each other.

As he neared, Twilight's ears perked up and she glanced over at her approaching human. Reaching her, he flipped open one of the flaps of her saddlebags, quickly pulling out his notebook. As the three ponies watched him, he flipped to a clean page before writing.

Tearing the page out of the notebook, he folded it once before handing it to Cadence. Huffing at her, he slipped the notebook back into the saddlebags before stalking back towards the table, and the watching Percy.

Curious, Cadence glanced down at the note in her hoof. Slowly opening it, she ran her eyes over the text, a confused frown touching her face.

+You're rubbing off on your human too much+

Percy walked over and peered over Cadence's shoulder. He stepped over the couch so he stood beside the table. He picked up one of the paper napkins and squatted down beside the table. When he had all the ponies' attention, he carefully folded the napkin in half into a right triangle, and made a little tear about a third of the way up the hypotenuse. He then carefully folded it in half again and made another tear on the opposite third of hypotenuse.

Twilight watched intently. Armor suddenly facehoofed and turned away.

Percy made another fold, and another small tear. Then he held the napkin so Twilight could see it. She looked at it quizzically. Then Percy ate the napkin. Cadence scribbled something on the piece of paper and handed it to Percy as he walked back to where Max was waiting.

Percy handed Max the paper.

+He was like that when I got him.+

Reading the note again, Max glanced up at Percy, giving him an unamused look. Keeping the same expression, he slowly folded the paper into a small square. Shaking his head, Max held up the paper, staring intently at Percy, before putting it in his mouth and beginning to chew. Wincing at the bitter taste of parchment, Max worked the paper around in his mouth before swallowing it with a grimace. The task completed, Max lifted his hand and pointed at his eyes before pointing at Percy.

Twilight glanced back and forth between the two humans, confusion clear upon her face. She hadn't been paying close attention to Max's interactions with Percy earlier, which, in hindsight, she probably should have been doing, she realized. Max had been nervous about meeting an ex pit-fighter, and she had wanted to make sure that Max was comfortable around Percy, but Cadence had distracted her with conversation.

Now, however, Max appeared to be loosening up. What confused Twilight was the fact that Max appeared to be interacting with Percy more so than any other human he had encountered before.

Percy poured a cup of tea, put two sugars in it and handed it to Max. He then collected a chocolate cream pie, and walked over to stand several feet out of Max's reach.

Eying the chocolate cream pie suspiciously, Max took a tentative sip of tea. He wasn't sure what Percy was up to, but he had a sinking feeling that he was about to find out. Sure enough, as soon as he had finished all of the tea within the teacup and had set it down upon the table, Percy winked, pulled his arm back and tossed the pie through the air. Max didn't even have a chance to react before the chocolaty creaminess covered his face.

As the pan slowly slid from his face, Max just stood there, unsure of what to do. Cadence had a hoof jammed into her mouth, trying desperately to stifle her laughter. Shining Armor looked to be in the same boat as his wife; his face red as he bit down on his lip. Twilight just looked horrified, glancing back and forth between the blank-faced Percy, and the chocolate-covered Max.

Slowly, Max lifted his hand up and wiped a glob of pie from his face. Studying it for a brief moment, he shrugged before licking the substance from his hand. That proved too much for Cadence, who immediately fell out of her chair laughing.

Still working at the remains of the pie, Max turned to look at Percy. Both humans stared at each other, unblinkingly, for several seconds before Max nodded his head in a small bow, which Percy returned.

A small smile hidden beneath the layer of chocolate, Max turned and walked over to Twilight, who was just sitting there, frozen with her mouth agape. Getting some more pie filling onto his fingers, Max smeared some onto Twilight's muzzle as he passed. As Twilight went cross-eyed to stare at the offending substance on her nose, Max chuckled softly, wandering off to find a towel.

Percy carried two more pies over, placing one before Twilight, the second before Shining Armor. He then stepped back out of reach. Armor looked at Twilight, Twilight looked at Armor, Armor raised an eyebrow, and Twilight raised one of her own. Percy received both pies back as a salvo. Brother and sister laughing at Cadence pounding the floor with a hoof as she laughed, and Percy wiping some of the pie off to taste it. Both got off their chairs and started approaching Cadence, too late to stop the pair from nuzzling her, and letting Percy drip a bit of filling on all three of them.

Max walked back into the room wiping his face with a damp towel. The others all had chocolate cream smeared on their faces, and all the ponies were laughing. Cadence would lick a bit off Twilight's face and Armor scraped a hoofful off of Percy. Max stared at them. ~Have you all gone crazy?~ he asked. Which only made them laugh harder.

Pulling herself from the pile, Twilight trotted over to him, taking the towel from his hands with a burst of magic.

"No," she said as she began to clean pie off of her coat. "Just having a bit of fun."

Having cleaned herself off, Twilight smirked before throwing the now dirty towel at her brother. He let out a yelp of surprise as it wrapped around his head, draping over his horn in a comical manner.

Cadence looked out over the balcony's railing and considered. "When do you suppose Max will tell her?"

"Sometime on the train. When it will be funniest," Percy replied.

"So did you get on well with Max?" Cadence asked.

Percy shrugged. "Well enough. He's still an ingenue, believing in all the things ponies tell each other," Percy said, "He probably thinks I'm a curmudgeon, too old and sour and set in my ways."

Cadence nodded sadly. While she dearly loved Percy, he was firmly convinced that she, Armor and Celestia were the only naturally decent ponies on the planet. All others, including Twilight were either naturally bigoted, dismissive, down to wholly evil. Only the most massive evidence shook his certainty, and the merest flicker that supported his position he seized upon to strengthen it. The fact that Twilight had taken over a year, some considerable prodding from Armor and Cadence, and a scolding from Max, to thank him for saving her life, had bolstered his opinions no end.

"Excuse me, your Highness," Percy said a tad sharply.

"Sorry, mind was a million miles away," Cadence said, "What did you ask?"

"I was wondering how he came to be called 'Max', that's not a normal pony name."

"Oh, it's his name," Cadence said, "He told Twilight and, uh, she, uh . . . " Cadence realized too late she had completely put her hoof in it, despite Percy giving no clue. "We never asked you your name, did we?"

"You know, I think the weather team here has settled in marvelously, don't you?" he said, smiled as he bowed and walked away to clear the tables.

"Allow me to present myself. I am Count Mario Vincenzo Robespierre Manzeppi, adventurer, poet, and lover of all that is corrupt, forbidden, and blasphemous. How I came by that name. That story would weave a tangled thread down into the misty stench of ancient crypts. Through the brooding bazaars of Damascus, up to the high wastes of Tibet, watered by rivers of tears and a small ocean of blood. How time flies when you're having fun."

Cadence facehoofed again. And ponies wonder why Discord stays away from him.

1) Introductions

Author's Note

Based in the 'Your Human and You' universe by MadMaxtheBlack http://www.fimfiction.net/story/111738/your-human-and-you

Where the native humans are barely sentient livestock for the ponies. Humans imported from elsewhere must deal with being treated as the natives are, and if they reveal themselves, the consequences could be dire.

This story is NOT canon with Your Human and You

1) Introductions

I Am Not Spartacus
by Dan's Comments
Based in the 'Your Human and You' universe by MadMaxtheBlack
This story is NOT canon with Your Human and You
DISCLAIMER: My Little Pony is the property of Hasbro, Inc.

Introduction

The rest of the apes they call humans are going nuts. Shaking their cages and screaming. To me, that means one thing. We're getting raided by the Royal Guard. I've seen it before, something most of these apes can't claim even if they could talk.

The Royal White ponies in gold armor are chasing the handlers through the rows of cages. Arms reach out of the cages at them, food and feces are thrown with equal vigor. The guards and the handlers weather the storm and the noise. This raid is one of the better run, the guards found the escape tunnel and have a force pouring out through it while all the other exits are covered. The handlers are being rounded up. The bosses were warned, and were out with all the money when the raid came down. I could tell the guards exactly where the ringleaders went. If I cared. But I stopped caring about anything except myself a while ago. To that end, I adjust my red chest harness so it is plainly visible.

Soon, some high muckety-muck pony will pronounce all the pit-fighters 'too savage to rehabilitate' and order us all put to the sword. But some lower-ranked noncom who knows the pit-fighting circles will recognize the red harness and the placid attitude, and I'll be sold to a friend of a friend of a friend for enough money to retire on. I've watched the exact same thing happen three times before in the five years I've been in this hell hole.

Here comes the Lord High Executioner for today. He's almost pretty, and strangely he's got some blood on him, as if he'd been part of the fighting. Weird.

The pink mare with him is also strange. I'd learned since arriving that there were three breeds. Unicorns, Pegasi and Earth Ponies. Horns, wings, and neither. This one has both. I don't stare, ponies don't like getting stared at by humans, but I do glance at her a couple times as she reacts with horror at the cacophonous, hairless apes in the other cages.

"This one seems almost docile," she says as she stares at me. She reaches in a hoof to touch me.

As negligently as I can, I move out of reach against the back of the cage. The soldiers are a little too ready to stick me with their spears for me to consider any other course of action. Hey, I could talk to them. And hilarity ensues. I didn't have to see Planet of the Apes to guess what would be done to a human who could actually talk, let alone a college professor turned gladiator.

"I want this one," Pink says, like she's buying a dog.

The Lord High Executioner looks nervous, as does one of the more junior noncoms who is watching his retirement nest egg slip out of his fingers, hooves, whatever.

"There's never been an example of one of these things being resocialized after time in the pits. You know that Cadence," the Lord High Executioner says. His pleading tone, and my yawn, don't convince Pink, Cadence, to side with common thought.

Even as Pink, Cadence stares in horror at my alien dentia. My teeth are a lot sharper than the natives. I'd even killed a few with them. Pink seems more fascinated. She pulls a sheaf of papers from her saddle bags. She pages through them very quickly. "Here it is, it's him," she says excitedly. "Red harness, docile attitude, and the teeth, I knew I'd seen that report."

Crap.

"The syndicate who owned him was raided, how did he escape?" Pink asks the other guards. None of them want to mention just how much money I could be sold for, or imply that much would turn their heads. "Take him to the palace."

Wait a second! Palace? Oh crap on a stick! Wait, calm down. Palace, good place to figure out where to run to when I escape. I just desperately hope she's not a 'fancier'. Some 'high-class' types liked getting serviced by humans. I had a reputation for being totally uninterested. Unless I fought the female in the pit. Like the wrestler's kefaybe, I had an entire routine. Out of the pit I was docile, even friendly. Some of the handlers let their kids practice on me, wash, feed, clean the cage. In the pit was a whole other story. A handler who was a little too free with the whip fell into the pit when I was practicing. I killed him. Got away with it when my trainer called me out of the pit and gave me a bit of a beating which I stood still for.

Word got around, so even when I was 'traded' the handlers who liked getting a little fun tormenting the caged humans kept away from me, because I might just catch them in the pit.

It was a good act, easy to keep up, and it made for better conditions for me. I might refuse to come out of the pit, but that was the limit of my defiance. Out of the pit, I was docile and uninterested. That included the society mares who'd wave their cooches at me. They were always irritated that I wouldn't just jump them like some of the other humans would. But I was never punished for my disinterest.

"Cadence, it's too dangerous," the Lord High Executioner says.

"The guard uses humans," Cadence replies, "This one would be perfect to test if they can be made into bodyguards."

Triple crap.

"He's a dumb animal, Highness," one of the sergeants said, "You certainly wouldn't want your children near one."

"There's one child I wouldn't want him near," Cadence replied, "But I think if he did what he does to his humans to this one, even Auntie couldn't put him back together."

Oh Dear Lord, this is getting worse by the second.

"Besides, he's cute," Cadence says.

That's it, I am outta here as soon as I can manage it.

"Have him washed, groomed, and taken to my quarters," Cadence says.

The sergeant and I are equally horrified at the prospect. I hide it a lot better.

"Who in the palace would be brave enough to groom such a monster?" the sergeant gasps.

"Oh, well, I'll do it myself," Cadence says and grins.

Wait a cotton-pickin' second, 'Highness?', octuple crap. This lady is psychotic. But the spears say move, so I move. They're setting out the poisoned water, standard procedure. The water has a sedative in it, they'll shoot a dart with the lethal stuff in later. I suspect I was part of an earlier iteration, where they gave the lethal stuff in the water. Some of the humans just got enough to get very sick, instead of a lethal dose. I got to watch the female I'd become quite attached to retch her life away, then go into convulsions that resulted in a miscarriage. I got to watch my unborn daughter breathe her last and die, because a bunch of creatures who talk about 'love and tolerance' couldn't be bothered to separate the cleaning crew from the pit fighters. No, I don't hate them for it. Hate makes you sloppy, and what use would revenge have? They control this world, there are no places to hide, and no way to really escape them. Maybe at a 'Highness" palace I can find maps and possibly supplies that would let me escape. And stay escaped.

The guards seem very nervous as they open the cage. They are armed, outnumber me four to one, and they're the ones one step from pissing themselves. It's wonderful having a reputation.

"Come on, noponies' gonna hurt you, come on," one of the guards says.

It's the baby talk that really pisses me off. One of them behind me pokes me with his spear. I move towards the center of the cage, closer to the open door, then stop. He tries again, and I yank the spear out of his grip. I never have figured out how hooved creatures hold things.

Now that I'm armed, they are panicking. One of the smarter ones slams and locks the door. Pink and the Lord High Executioner rush back to stare in horror as I shove the planks of the cage's roof away and pull myself out of the cage, leaving the spear behind. Now above the fading noise of my drugged fellow prisoners, I walk from roof to roof towards the pit. The predictably panicky ponies prance in pursuit. I could care less. I make the trip smartly, and never give their calls a second thought. I'm a dumb animal going through a trained behavior.

Pink takes a risk, and blocks my direct route into the pit. A dozen ponies with crossbows wait to take me out if I move. But I'm not in the pit, so I just stand there and stare at her in 'confusion'.

"He's just doing what he's been trained for," she tells the armed ponies, "He's supposed to go to the pit, so he went. I wish you could understand me," she adds, "We aren't going to hurt you."

Lady, you and your people have already done enough to me that killing me would be a minor change. I keep looking confused. There's a little piece of fluff in a different uniform that is staring from Pink to me, and back in utter terror. Pink raises up on her wings and clips a leash on the fittings on my neck collar.

"Parasol, take him to the Palace," Pink says without taking her eyes off me.

Parasol, where do they get these names? But Parasol is too terrified to even move. When Pink turns to look away, I take the end of the leash, jump to the ground and walk towards Parasol. The pony stares up in horror at the trained killer staring down at her, holding his own leash. One of the guards snickers a little when Parasol backs up, I step forward to keep the distance constant.

Parasol breaks and runs, screaming, and I jog after her, with two guards running after me. She gets turned around and finds herself in a blind alley of meal bags. She turns in terror as my shadow falls on her, but I keep a short distance, the same distance I did before. She takes a step forward, I take a step back. She steps to the side, and I step in the opposite directions.

"Just take the leash," one of the guards tells Parasol.

"How? I get close, he backs up. Not that I want to get close," Parasol tells him.

"Lead him to the Palace, ma'am," the pony guard with muttonchop whiskers tells her. "He understands the leash, and that you lead, I think he's holding it because it's too short."

Parasol slips past me, and then gestures for me to follow. We make an interesting parade. Parasol leading, radiating terror, me, and three guards who aren't sure if me holding my own leash counts as having me 'leashed'.

"He's following commands, and he's wearing a leash," Muttonchops explains, "That seems to fulfill the spirit of the law."

"But he's holding the leash," the barracks room lawyer argues.

The guardspony from earlier adds in calculating tones. "You know, he could get loose, sergeant."

"I am aware of how many bits on the hoof we have. But having her Majesty displeased at you will more than make up for it. There are some people you can't run away from."

I intend to put that theory to the test.

The palace looks like something out of Disney: white marble, thin towers and all fake. The creatures remaking the castle of Ludwig the Mad are slavers, and live off the backs of extensive plantations and mines. Think Gone With the Wind or Uncle Tom's Cabin with gorillas and ponies, and you've got the picture. The guard at the servants' entrance doesn't even comment on the strange troop entering the palace. She does wrinkle her muzzle at how I smell. And frankly I agree with her. But hot baths are not readily available and getting hosed off once a week was the best I could hope for.

The servants' passages are off the beaten track, after all you don't want the infrastructure on display for everyone to see. Parasol dashes forward suddenly, and I change pace to keep the separation.

Oh for the love of Pete! There's a little, purple unicorn stalking a butterfly, across a wire. It might be cute if she wasn't sixty feet off the ground. The glow of her horn shows she's probably using some magic to keep her balance, but the cost/benefit of chasing a butterfly this way instead of enlisting a pegasus doesn't add up.

"Twilight! Be careful!" Parasol shouts.

Oh genius, distract the kid. Why don't you just grab her and pull her to safety? My worst prediction comes true, and the kid loses her grip and plunges to the ground. While the ponies are screaming, I look and hope the kid hits the big fountain. Ouch, she does, worst belly flop I can remember. I roll my eyes, and am glad I thought my act through carefully. Ponies will forgive almost any 'disobedience' that rescues a foal. I am climbing/sliding down the drainpipe into the courtyard. The filly's sudden arrival panicked some, her failure to surface panicked more, my arrival breaks all but one hardliner, a guard who is stripping off his armor. Smart kid, that iron suit would add him to the list of the drowned. A running dive and I'm in.

One of the important differences between me and the natives is I can swim. Their arm movements and density mean they can't. Fortunately, the fountain is only as deep as my shoulders. The filly is sinking and an easy catch. I drag her out of the water and put her closest to the guardspony. He makes a quick shooing motion and starts mouth to mouth. In a moment, the filly gasps, retches/coughs up all the water she breathed. The guards pony carries her off.

I take advantage of the water to wash up, if only I could spot some soap, but that's only a hope. After a few moments, I'm climbing the drain pipe to rejoin Parasol and the one remaining guardspony, Barracks Lawyer.

Parasol is staring at me with amazement. My dull expression is my only answer. She shyly gestures for me to follow, and the game begins.

The guardspony snickers. "And you were scared of him. He probably thinks you are a foal," he says and Parasol blushes furiously.

Then the guardspony slips on the puddle of water dripping off me, and its Parasol's turn to laugh. "I think we need to get him dried off before we get to Princess Cadence's suite."

"Maybe get him a kilt while we're at it. That'll cut down on the others staring at his gear," the guardspony said.

Parasol detours long enough to grab a towel and the pair are amazed I know what it's for, and how to use it. Of course, when I'm done, I throw it on the floor. Can't break character too much.

Grumbling, Parasol picks it up, takes two steps and deposits it in a hamper full of towels. "Just when you think they can be housebroken," she grumbles as we continue.

Entry into the royal apartments proper is a new experience. The thirty-foot ceilings for one. Logical when height and arm length aren't the limiting factors, but I still would have broken it up with more floor space.

"Now where will we, ulp?" Parasol asks as she looks around, and realizes I'm not where she thought I'd be.

The guardspony has burst out laughing. As I'd climbed to the top of one of the 25-foot tall bookshelves and was making myself at home atop it. The ornamental railing was solid and high enough to prevent me from rolling off in my sleep, and the space is nearly as large as the floor space of my cage. It's also a lot warmer this high off the ground, so I won't need a blanket.

Parasol just facehoofs and decides she isn't going to chase me, or risk me toppling the bookcase over on her if she tries to drag me to ground level. "Do we stay and watch him?" she asks. The guardspony shrugs. "Wonderful."

I stay where I am and get some sleep. I need to maintain the balance between irritating and punishable, that is going to take a lot of thought. Besides sleeping in the library will give me a reason to go rummaging through the books. Ah, all part of my master plan. As if.

The hoof nudging me awake is a new experience. I'm only barely awake enough to roll over and recognize Pink, when she practically crushes my rib cage.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you!" she squeals happily.

I let out a not entirely voluntary cry of pain.

"Oh, sorry," she said as she releases me and flutters away. "But I just heard what you did, and I want to thank you."

I continue to stare at her, showing a bit of fear. She backs off even more.

"Oh, you don't understand a word I'm saying," she says, "I am sorry."

I rub my ribs and look around, continuing my 'confused' act.

"The filly?" she says while her horn conjures up an image of the little pony falling into the water.

I reach into the image as if I can pull the filly out of the illusion. Pink plays along and has a gasping Twilight clinging to my hand as I draw it out of the illusionary water. I stare intently at the little figure on my hand, as if it is a miniature of the original, rather than my real interest that illusions of such detail are possible. It's an important warning that if I escape, magically disguised traps could very much be a concern.

Once she's convinced I understand what I did to make her so happy, the bone-crushing hug resumes. I hug her back. That might have been a mistake, because the Lord High Executioner on the floor below stops looking as happy as Pink was, and begins glaring at me.

Great, win one lose one. I release Pink and let her realize how her paramour is reacting.

"Armor, it's all right, I'm not a fancy." She shuddered at the idea.

For which I was very grateful. Ponies may be cute, but they are aliens, and they are well known for doing things with humans they'd never get away with in a billion years with a pony, or even a cow. Anything that could talk to the authorities. How fortunate that all the locals can't speak a word and writing on paper might as well be magic.

"What are you doing up here?" she asked pointedly.

I cowered at her apparent displeasure. She facehoofs and flutters off. I climbed down from my perch. The Lord High Executioner is still giving me visual daggers, but I have a way to deal with that.

Pink goes off to check something, and the Lord High Executioner rears up and sticks a hoof in my chest. "You stay away from her, understand?" he tells me.

Of course I couldn't possibly 'understand', but I begin caressing the soft feathers of his fetlock with a dreamy expression on my face. It takes surprisingly little time for the conclusion to dawn on him. He's back on all fours, and halfway across the room. I 'realize' I've offended him and take a completely submissive posture.

Pink is horrified when she walks back in. "What did you two do?"

"I found out that I don't have to worry about him sneaking into your bed at night," the Lord High Executioner says, "He'll be too busy trying to figure out a way to sneak into mine."

"Well, you are very cute," Pink tells him, and desperately tries to stifle her giggles.

I almost feel sorry for the Lord High Executioner, but just almost.

Pink taps me on the shoulder. "Come on, we have to get you some new clothes. I think getting you a kilt might be a good idea." She turns to face the Lord High Executioner. "Are you coming Shining, or are you afraid he'll get friendly when I'm not looking?"

'Shining' I thought she called him Armor before. I consider the odd pony names as I follow.

"We haven't named him yet," the Lord High Executioner points out to Pink.

Well, I've named you already, so who'd the lesser race now?

"Didn't the tabloids already name him The Crimson Death?" Pink asks

"I can just see you attending a garden party. 'Yes this is my human, The Crimson Death, he used to be a pit-fighter but now he's serving horses' douvers'," the Lord High Executioner says, "Celestia would love that."

It's a struggle to keep from laughing at that image. This job is going to be harder than I thought.

"She'd think it's charming, you know how she gets," Pink suggests and laughs at the Lord High Executioner's struggles not to laugh.

"Still a name," Pink said as she walks.

If they decide on Caesar, it's raise the black flag and woe to the wicked. I read the book before I saw the movie.

"Ursine Persiflage," the Lord High Executioner says, "For how loud he is."

Pink giggles. "You're awful. Most nobles couldn't even pronounce that without two days warning and most who could would have no idea what it meant."

"You can always shorten it to Ursy Percy," the pony now on my list to die horribly explains.

"Ursine Persiflage it is," Pink said, "All those idiots with their dogs with names longer than the animal deserve it."

They will pay for this. They will pay dearly, but appropriately, for this.

Flush.

That's three. Come on, you have to be more curious than that.

Flush.

Pink was overjoyed I could figure out how to use the toilet with just basic instruction, although the roll of paper beside it was still a mystery.

Flush.

Mystery solved.

"Percy what are you . . . ?" Pink asks as she and Parasol arrive.

Parasol facehoofs, and poor Pink tries to work up the demeanor to scold me.

Flush.

But I'm just so fascinated as the swirling water yanks more of the paper off the roll and down the path of the swirling water that she just manages to keep her composure. Parasol runs away and her guffaws can be heard in the distance.

I point at the spinning roll as the last of the paper leaves the roll and travels along with the water into the unseen depths. She tries, oh how Pink tries to work up some anger to scold me with, but to no avail. She's just so taken with my enthusiasm.

"I should give you to Celestia, you and Philomena would get on great," Pink manages before scampering away.

Torturing these ponies while desensitizing them to my antics seems to be going on well.

The Lord High Executioner walks into Pink's suite. "How could, why would, what would possess?" he murmurs, barely acknowledging that I opened the door, not Pink or Parasol who are having a meeting with 'Celly' whoever that is. It can't be who I think it is.

The stallion looks and acts as disoriented as I did on my arrival in this place, and on my treatment at the hands/hooves of the locals.

I can take advantage. No, I won't stoop to their level. I get him situated on the couch and get a blanket over him. He keeps asking the same question over and over. I get Pink's grooming combs and return to the couch and sit beside the Lord High Executioner's head and carefully begin brushing out his mane. He moves slightly, putting his head in my lap without spearing me with his horn.

The questions 'How could, why would, what would possess?' repeats over and over.

Ponies would, I want to tell him as he drifts off, but he has just had proof of that. Anyone who'd do what ponies do to the humans of this world would do it to cows, griffons, or other ponies. Once they aren't 'people', anything can be justified. The Lord High Executioner has learned the lesson I had all those months ago.

Pink and Parasol arrive after their hero has long since passed to dreamless sleep. He sleeps with his head in my lap, and me adjusting the covers periodically, or brushing his mane if dreams begin to surface. Pink and Parasol watch for a little while. I pay them no mind.

Finally, Pink sends Parasol back to her room, and approaches the two of us. The Lord High Executioner seems to sense Pink's arrival, and then his position.

"It's okay," Pink tells him and presses him down again. "It's all right, he was just looking after you." She hugs the Lord High Executioner, and murmurs little endearments to him. "I heard when Celestia did," she tells him, "You did all you could. You did all anyone could."

The stallion breaks down in tears, hugging Pink and sobbing like a frightened child.

After a while, Pink lifts the Lord High Executioner up and guides him towards her bedroom. She pauses and flips a wing towards me. "Come on, I think you'll help."

I give her a confused look, but comply.

Pink gets the Lord High Executioner in the bed, and starts to climb in herself, I pull the covers over them and start to tuck them in.

"No, you too," Pink says, and pats the space behind the LHE, "Please."

I strip off the clothing I have, and note she takes a long look at my equipment as I climb into the bed. I pull the covers over all of us and press up against the stallion's back.

We lie that way for a while. Pink's horn emits a little heart that earths itself in LHE's horn. It seems to settle him. Then she emits a second, and it spends several minutes bouncing off my head before fading. Irritating, I wonder what it was supposed to do.

Two A.M. and I slip out of their bed. Not only do I have to take a piss, but they're talking in their sleep. That's right, both Pink and the LHE. You can imagine what the two young lovers are talking about, and they are just able to hear and react to what the other is saying.

It's like watching a soft-core porno with the picture off.

I'm done but haven't flushed when I hear the main door being unlocked. Suspicious bastard I am, I leave the lights off and sneak a glance at what's going on.

I yank my head back. CHRIST ALMIGHTY! I didn't know they made'em that big!

Even the biggest bull stallion could walk under my outstretched arm without brushing his ears. This one looks like it could stare me straight in the eye. I've never even heard of one that big. Before I pulled back, I saw the horn thrust proudly out from under its cloak, which means I'm completely screwed. There's only one reason for a unicorn to come snooping in at 2 A.M.

Okay, choices, I can hide here and hope it passes me by while it murders the kids. And as an ex-pit fighter, I'll follow within the week. Or, I can be completely stupid and loud enough they'll get away, and get killed right now. This is the best chance I'm gonna get to scrape together the info I need to escape. Okay, decision, make enough noise to let them wake and escape, then once they're out, it's everypony for himself. Crap, I hate this. Weapons, four rolls of toilet paper and a toilet brush. Gee, I could probably take out an SS Panzer Corps with that. Not even a can of hair spray and a match. There's a fire poker of good wrought iron by the fireplace. I just have to cross 20 feet of open space under the eyes of a horse with a built-in tractor beam. Crap. Well, I lived through five years of fighting humans, monsters and the occasional pony, and it was for the same stakes. I win, I live. I don't, I don't.

I collect the rolls. The entire moment of indecision took maybe three seconds. Fortunately, there's a light switch near the bathroom. It illuminates the central area as bright as day. I close my eyes and flip the switch. My target yelps high-pitched, probably a mare, at the sudden brightness. I flip the switch a couple more times, then shut it off. I've still got my night vision, she doesn't. I kick the door loudly and let fly with two of the rolls. She's still trying to clear her eyes as her horn glows and she catches the tail end of the unfurling rolls. It doesn't change their path, both hit her. She shies back at the assault.

I've got the poker and I charge. I throw another roll as a distraction. She deflects the roll and barely manages to parry the poker with her horn. She kicks out with a forehoof, the knifelike tres-foil on her forelegs nearly slices me. I get a punch in on the side of her head. While she staggers from that, my next blow does more good, right on the base of the horn. Not only does it hurt like the dickens, it prevents them from using magic for a little while. How little depends on their training. She still has the presence of mind to dodge out of the way of a thrust from the poker.

I whistle as loud as I can while trying to stay between the bedroom, the way out and this giant unicorn.

Then her horn lights and I can see her grin.

Crap, I'm dealing with one of the crazy ones. Fine, you aren't getting the kids. I dodge the lashing hoof and parry the horn thrust. I kick the nerve cluster just below the forward shoulder. She squeals in pain, and I bring the handle of the poker down on the base of her horn. The faint glow and the soft impact tells me she's smartened up and I'm getting no more free, cheap shots. The swinging horn deflects the poker, then her damn tail swats me away. It's like getting hit with a Nerf dump truck, not enough to break all my ribs, but enough to thrown me most of the way back to Pink's bedroom.

The poker and I part company, and the beast prances forward, grinning the whole time. I've managed to get out of most of the tough fights in the pit by doing the unexpected. But even I'm wondering where the Hell the guards are, and why haven't Pink and LHE woken up and skedaddled. I left fly with the last roll, she deflects it without effort, but she sidesteps to get ready for me to go for the poker. I don't.

I go straight at her, low. She doesn't realize I'm going between those slicers she's wearing. Under her barrel I slam both fists and my shoulder into her. It knocks the wind out of her for an instant, which is all I need to yank her legs and send her toppling. The only thing that saves her from the follow up where I break her neck is the wing knifing out of the cloak that leaves me gasping on the ground.

That one broke ribs. How many of these damned winged unicorns are there? I never heard of them before I met Pink, now the damn things are everywhere. I levered myself up, but the unicorn was equally pensive about renewing her attack.

Maybe I did hurt her. Where the Hell are the thrice-damned guards! If the kids don't get up and gone, this thing is going to march over and just knock me over.

I stay between this thing and the kids' route out. I remember everything I ever learned about fighting ponies. Occasionally some idiot would want to fight a human. Giving into those demands was usually the signal we were going to get raided, either it was a set up, or a dead pony became the talk of the town and the Guard hunted the troop down. I'd done this precisely twice, fortunately after I'd established my kefaybe. The first time was a buck unicorn who accidentally taught me the pound the horn-base trick, I got in close and pounded him unconscious, then 'helped' the handlers get him out of the pit. The crowd hated every second of it, so I never did it again, with that troop. The second was 'human baiting', I was leashed to a post against a team of pegasi and earth ponies. Four on one, but pegasi are really sensitive about their wings, and Earth Ponies have to get in close to fight. I crippled all four, and again, 'helped' the handlers get them out of the pit. The crowd really hated that I kept petting them, as if trying to make them feel better after they'd somehow been hurt.

That leaves me with a brute of a winged unicorn, in full possession of her powers, yet strangely reticent about simply wrapping me up in magic and finishing her mission.

I am going to make you regret not simply crushing me the instant you had the chance. I'm almost out of tricks, but almost isn't the same as out. And whoever designed the costume armor this one is wearing ignored the throat, eyes and wing joints, let me at any one of those and I win. Dislocating a pegasus' wing is like kicking a guy in the balls with steel-toed boots. Grinding that joint should keep even a winged unicorn from casting spells while I break its throat with my heel. Difficult, but not impossible.

The blow that knocks me down comes from behind.

"Percy! NO!" Pink shouts after she's tackled me. "What are you doing?" Then her ire comes down on my 'sparring partner'. "Celestia what are you doing?" she spits at the winged unicorn.

Oh crap, now I am dead. Someone might have mentioned the ruler of ponykind is a giant, winged unicorn. In five years it might have come up in conversations, but no. Finagle just loves us humans. Loves us to death.

"We caught the assassin, and I decided to check on your security," the winged unicorn says, despite my face being firmly planted in the carpet, I can clearly hear her smile, "I had no idea you had obtained such a ferocious. Ow. And effective bodyguard, Cadence."

I missed Pink's reply. 'Assassin', singular? I elbow Pink off of me and dash for the poker.

"PERCY! NO!" Pink shouts. But I pass her and Celestia, and continue towards the bedroom.

Hey, I'm already dead for attacking the God-Queen of Equestria, even if she treats the whole thing as a lark, the Guard, especially the pony I'm charging in here to protect, won't and will deal with me 'quietly'.

The pegasus in the Wonderbolt costume has jimmied the window. At least I hope it's a costume, the idea of whatever the Hell is going on having reached them is horrifying. I do know what The Wonderbolts are. You can't be around hormonal teenagers without hearing all kinds of boasts and claims about them.

But that the pegasus falls for a simple arena trick speaks volumes that it's not a Wonderbolt. If you've got a thin weapon, like a foil or a fire poker, you line the point and pommel up with your opponent's eyes. In bad light, or with other distractions, they won't focus on the blade until it is too late. I have all that, bad lighting, too many distractions and an amateur who thought this would be a quick in and out. It flips a knife at me, hoping to distract me. On a native human it would have worked, it might have worked ten minutes ago, but I have a death sentence on me right now and going out in a blaze of glory might just do the rest of my people some good. The pit fighters who are culled by the Guard, those guards might realize with a bit of training, the fighters can be guards or at least something other than corpses on the hoof.

The knife slices my skin, but no matter, the thin, square rod punches through the light armor the pegasus wears, and out the back. Just under the shoulder blade. Then we're both out the window.

It's amazing the things you think of. Hanging outside the tower, I shift one hand to get a grip on the shaft of the poker sticking out of the pegasus' back. While my knee is moving up as fast as it can to come up between the pegasus' back legs. I didn't consciously order my body to do it, all the training makes it automatic. My conscious mind is noticing how slowly everything seems to be moving. Some other part tells me that from this height, I have three seconds to fall, and I'll be going about 66 mph when I hit. Another part tells me to make sure the pegasus is beneath me when I land. I notice the squeals of the pegasus from getting her cooch booted, and I'm winding up to hit her again. Again, no orders, just instinct. My rational mind is pointing out we're over a courtyard about a hundred feet below the ground floor of the tower, so I have about four seconds to live, rather than three, and I'll be going 88 mph not sixty-six.

The extreme pain in my side flares and starts spreading. I rationally tell myself the blade was probably poisoned, or had acid on it. I vaguely wonder if the poison would kill me, if the end of the fall didn't. The things you think of. Not home, not family, not the lost ones. Just bits of minutiae, trivialities, little thought experiments to avoid the reality. I guess that's what makes us human. I think a pony would be screaming in terror right now. Oh, I have a pony right here, and that's exactly what she's doing, how perspicacious of me.

5S) Spartacus Can't Come to the Phone Right Now

I Am Not Spartacus - Spartacus Can't Come to the Phone Right Now

by Dan's Comments
Based in the 'Your Human and You' universe by MadMaxtheBlack
This story is NOT canon with Your Human and You

DISCLAIMER: My Little Pony is the property of Hasbro, Inc.

"Miss Octavia?" the receptionist for the Royal Chamber Ensemble called her, one of the three finalists.

"Present," she said. Her voice squeaked like an excited filly.

The receptionist only grinned at her, and gestured towards the doors leading deeper into the offices. There Octavia would meet her destiny.

Sometimes they suggest tutors, sometimes they give things to practice and to try again next year, she thought desperately, Sometime, oh I can't hope, they give letters of recommendation to other orchestras! I can't have done well enough to expect one of those! She controlled her breathing, exuded a calm air and simply did. Just like Percy had taught her. 'Be scared later,' was her watchword now. Whatever happens, will happen. That I was even a finalist says so much.

"Octavia, reporting," she said on entering through the door.

The conductor snickered, a disheartening sound. The other three ponies behind the table that dominated the space seemed unconcerned about the magnitude of their decision, and the effect it would have on her life. Only the pianist was openly hostile. The conductor and the other proctors seemed completely unconcerned.

More lessons, she realized.

"I had guard recruits take weeks to learn that," the conductor said. And there was more snickering. "Would you be willing to play at the Grand Galloping Gala? It is a deep part of the pool to throw you in, but it will serve as your probationary period in entire."

The flash of light from outside distracted all of them, except Octavia, who wouldn't have been distractable by the sun exploding.

Octavia stared, her mouth refused to work, which was good because her brain would have filled it with gibberish. The loud, long boom sounded over the city.

"G-sharp," the conductor said, "An octave below lower C."

The noise galvanized her. She finally focused on concentrating on the key points, and repeating them, "I am to be a probationary member, until the Grand Galloping Gala, then I will be a full member?"

"If you pass," said the pianist, who had been skeptical of her from the start.

"If I pass." Octavia straightened up. "Are there any pieces in particular that I should practice?"

"You'll be expected to sight read, but the usual chamber pieces for four instruments would be a good basis," the pianist replied. He clearly didn't agree with the decision, but likewise seemed willing to let her hang herself.

No, let me sink or swim, rather than dirty his own hooves, she thought.

"I understand, and I'll be ready." She bowed slightly and left. She walked where her hooves took her. She absently noted she'd collected, or been given her cello somewhere along the line.

Her arrival at the door of Princess Cadence's apartment, at the time she often practiced with Percy seemed a perfect time and place. She composed herself and knocked. Parasol answered the door.

"Octavia, how did the audition go?" Parasol asked as she let Octavia in.

Octavia set her cello aside as Parasol closed the door. She smiled at Percy who seemed bubbling over with curiosity. Bubbling over for Percy that is. "I go, I got it."

"No," Parasol exclaimed.

"Yes," Octavia said, and felt her self control disintegrating. "Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!" she shouted as she pronked around the pair, sometimes spinning Parasol in circles, sometimes circling Percy, until she and Parasol were too dizzy to stand up without leaning heavily on the human.

Octavia let herself snuggle against the reassuring creature and gave him a hug. "Thank you Percy, I could have given up, but you insisted on showing me how I created beauty." She squealed happily as he hugged her back.

Poor Parasol was hanging onto a chair hoping the room would stop spinning.

Percy motioned her over to where his cello was set up.

"Okay, pen or bow?" she asked. He nodded to the pen, so she pulled out several blank sheets while Parasol left to get them some tea for later.

Then Percy began to play. I've long since gotten over that a human can be a decent musician, Octavia thought as her hooves flew over the paper making notes of the song he was playing, Where does he get these? They're utterly alien, but so wrenching. She rubbed a foreleg across her eyes to be able to see through the tears.

At the sound of a sniffle not her own, Octavia turned and saw Parasol standing there with the tea tray set aside and both hooves covering her eyes. "I'm sorry," the unicorn hoofmaiden said and sniffled, "But what did they do to him, so he'd even come up with that?"

Octavia had no answer. I guess I wasn't listening, merely transcribing, she thought as she looked at the sheet music. Percy seemed to be radiating expectation, his eyes fixed on the paper.

Octavia grinned and set up her stand and cello to play what she'd written. Actually playing it was worse than hearing it. It evoked desperation, terrible loss, but through it all, a quiet even gentle defiance. 'You are going to kill me, but you will never destroy me.' It fit, it fit uncomfortably well. Percy plucked a counterpoint as she played. The effect together reduced the hoofmaiden to a quietly weeping puddle. It nearly got Octavia, but it strengthened her as well. She could persevere no matter what.

She finished, sitting back, utterly drained. Her emotions should have been running rampant, but she'd poured every ounce of energy she had into that quiet, little song. She felt utterly empty, not in a good way, yet not in a painful way.

Percy picked up a pencil and made a crude drawing. Any foal in kindergarten could have done better, but a ponything with wings and a horn, and musical notes around it.

"You want me to play that for the princess?" Octavia was jolted out of her lethargy.

I just barely made it into the ensemble, and you want me to play a piece like this for the princess?! Octavia's mind raced, while outwardly stoic, she was elated and terrified in turns. Then another thought crystallized, one that to her horror fit within the song perfectly.

"Percy, I can't steal your song! It's yours. It's beautiful! If I play it, everypony will think it's mine," she said. Now she was in tears. Her own compositions were nearly unplayable as written, but Percy had shown how to at least glimpse their beauty.

Now he wants to cede credit for this, to me, she thought as he set aside his cello and her own, and hugged her. She gave into her emotions and sobbed.

Parasol walked to the corridors, she didn't know what to think. There's no way a human could do those things. And he's in the same rooms as the Princess of the Crystal Empire. Even though I don't know where that is. It can't be good. I know that shapechanging magic exists. If he's or she's an assassin disguised as a human, he could strike and be gone as a pony before anyone could do anything.

She hated going over what she knew was the proper 'chain of command', but if the Captain of the Royal Guard was befuddled, who else could she go to?

Celestia's day room was a place where she could be reached, and do paperwork, but it wasn't the court. The guards simply watched Parasol as she approached. She nodded to them.

"I would like an appointment to speak with her Highness," she said, "On a matter of some delicacy."

The soldiers exchanged a glance. The larger of the two said, "Sergeant of the Guard, post number one."

Milestone appeared a few moments later, he seemed so different when he was in his full regalia. More unapproachable. No longer the old uncle, but the grizzled veteran determined to stand between the world and her Highness.

Maybe I should tell both of them, she thought and gulped.

"Sergeant, I need to speak to her Highness, on a matter of some delicacy," she said.

"You cannot bring this up to the Captain of the Guard?" he asked, a roundabout way of asking why she didn't discuss this with Armor and Cadence in their apartment.

"No, sir," she said, and felt horrible at saying it, and what it would mean.

Milestone showed no emotion, and seemed to look through her to her soul. "Follow me."

She fell in behind him. She walked around to a small office with several guardsponies in it. He proceeded through, but Parasol felt the eyes of all the others on her, as if she'd trespassed on the holy-of-holies.

"Highness," Milestone said after a single knock.

"Enter," Celestia said and smiled, brightening the entire room, "Sergeant, Parasol, what brings you two here?"

"Highness," Parasol said and looked around nervously, "I just something I cannot explain. Percy played a song. A song I've never heard before in my life. He taught it to Octavia. They laid the pieces down individually. There are some ponies who play music that couldn't have done as good a job."

"Go on." Celestia seemed to be glancing between Parasol and Milestone, then focused on Parasol again.

"Highness, there are - things - that take pony form. I've never heard of one being friendly. And for whatever reason, neither Cadence nor Armor has noticed it. I think it's somehow affecting their minds. So they can't see it."

Another glance between Milestone and Celestia.

"But because you're a 'mere servant' it hasn't bent its powers against you?" Celestia said.

"Highness, I know how arrogant it sounds," she said, "But it just seems so incredible. I didn't even think about it when it should have been screaming out at me that first day. He followed me, carrying his leash. I could have led him straight to the apartment and he would have followed. The only thing that distracted him was Twilight falling in the fountain. He was trying to appear stupider than a regular human, until Twilight fell in the fountain."

"As I understand it, his immediate reaction was to rescue a filly he'd never seen before from a possibly life-threatening situation."

"Highness, he saved Cadence and Armor's sister/future sister-in-law. He knew it was her, and her death might have had a bad effect on his mission."

"And his mission being?" Celestia asked.

"I don't know Highness," Parasol admitted and bowed her head, "I don't know."

"Parasol," Celestia said as she used a wing to raise Parasol's head, "The sergeant, Captain Armor, Princess Cadence and I, are aware of the situation."

Parasol gaped, then face hoofed. "Of course you are," she said, "How could I be so stupid? Your Highness -"

"You did exactly what you should have done," Celestia said, and smiled, "One of us had to notice it first, and tell the others. We are watching, but if you see something unusual, don't react, tell myself, Captain Armor, Princess Cadence or Sergeant Milestone. Do not discuss it with anypony else."

"Understood," Parasol said and bowed, "Highness, what's his game?"

"That we don't know. He may be completely friendly, or, he may be an alien intelligence housed in a local human to observe Equestrian society."

"Her Highness is teasing me," Parasol said.

Celestia nodded. "Keep an eye on him, but don't let your imagination run wild. He's a human. He has blood and muscles like any other human," Celestia told her.

Parasol bowed and left.

Celestia looked at the door closing, and noted that Milestone had assured the other door to the room was closed.

"That's eight, Highness. Eight who've seen it and are asking questions," the sergeant said, "We can discount Octavia, she's balmy."

"Odd that this day, she managed to get into the Royal Chamber Ensemble without retest," Celestia said, "Contact with Percy perhaps."

"Highness, that strengthens my worries, rather than weakens them," he said nodded, "With respect, he should have an accident. An idiot savant is not unheard of. Some human matching some of the best ponies in one thing. But he can do it in two fields. Fighting and music, there is no connection between the two that would explain it all. Muscle memory where he picks up skills that quickly. That's a mutation of some kind or a spell. We've had ponies do experiments to raise a human's intelligent through magic, potions, surgery and combinations. It has always been a disaster. Worse when it succeeds than when it fails."

"So you are saying he has enhanced intellect?" Celestia said, keeping her voice and posture carefully neutral.

"Highness, I'm a simple, old soldier. If he's possessed by something that lets him do this, that's above my pay-grade. But that might almost be better. I like the lad, I like his choice of friends and I like the loyalty he shows. But what he can do, worries me," Milestone said,

"You're forgetting his other talent," she stared at Milestone as the old stallion blushed, "I meant teaching, but you are correct, that would make it four."

"Highness, I was not going to bring that up."

"Why not?" Celestia asked, "It's a legitimate concern. Am I thinking straight about someone who, what's that quaint, barracks room phrase, 'Shagged me so hard I poked somepony in the next room'? I may be overly fond of him for that reason. I am quite certain my judgement hasn't been clouded, but I could be wrong. But sergeant, having four pony-level talents, and able to learn more, is not a cause for concern. Humans used to be that capable. What you see on that front, is a source of joy beyond measure for me. If he is an atavism, we must breed that strain back into the human line." Celestia paused. "Sergeant, what you see as a threat to the crown, and your commanding officer, I see as a way of undoing the most monstrous crime ponies have ever committed. He is a chance at redemption for the three races. Continue to be concerned, but understand my concern is the defilement of the ponies' soul."

"Highness, that's above my paygrade, I deal in flesh and blood, and paperwork. If it can't be hit, or filed, I leave it to others. But there are some very good reasons we don't recruit ex-pit fighters in the Guard. They are too difficult to untrain and the frustration drives them insane." He held up a hoof. "I know with Percy, learning seems to be almost automatic. But in his case, think of the kind of people he was learning from for five years. He's shown great tenderness, and he has shown what in a pony would be terrible cruelty, but his expression doesn't show that. There is a limit to what anyone, pony or not can withstand. And when the dam breaks it will all pour out whether he wants it to or not." Milestone looked at the doors. "Highness, I am not ascribing ill-will to any of his actions. He has been as loyal and as attentive as any trooper I've ever served with. But he's badly damaged goods who is holding together by who knows what strength of will, or divine intervention. When the will fails, and the intervention ceases, it will be unleashed, not because he wants to, but because all that has been done to him has to go somewhere."

"Then watch him, assign a couple of guards to watch him discreetly. Be ready to sit with him, be ready to sit on him if that's what it takes. But I want him kept alive," Celestia said firmly, "You're right, this is above your paygrade, it's above the interest of nearly every pony, griffon, diamond dog, minotaur and dragon on this planet. It is an unspeakable crime ponies committed against a species that welcomed a starving, terrified handful with open arms, and we destroyed them for their kindness. That we later learned the very lesson they tried to teach us, yet lacked the power to undo what had been done is no excuse for accepting it as 'forever'. You don't murder the owner of a house, move in, and then expect the relatives to just accept what you did. There will eventually be a reckoning, and the cheapest is to undo the evil that you did, if not for your initial victims, then for their descendants."

"I'll do what needs doing, Highness," Milestone said.

"Sergeant, you drew the exact line I did, you just have it going in the wrong direction. But on the impossible, off chance that I actually made a mistake, I don't want him to suffer for it."

"Understood, and thank you Highness," Milestone said and left.

Celestia looked at the paint that had confounded her, nearly driven her insane and felt an indescribable joy. Great arcs of shades of blue, concentric circles from off-white to near black, across the ceiling a swarm of constellations, the entire year's night sky laid out so even Twilight could not find a flaw.

It is perfect. It is what Luna deserves. And it does show that I haven't forgotten her, she thought. How, why have I found such a person, when I needed someone so desperately? I don't deserve it, I can only accept it.

As a lark she transformed into a human, and remembering their dances from so long ago, she gathered her mane to her breast and held it there as she spun and pirouetted across the floor and through the air. And still her joy grew with each new view of what her friends had suggested, but what she had wrought. To have such friends, to be 'allowed' to do with her own hooves, to be . . . watched from the shadows.

Celestia landed and focused on who had intruded, on who would not be offended at what she had done, at whose feathers would be ruffled and what she would have to do and give up to soothe the battered sensibilities.

She saw Percy, his expression was a void as it always was. Drawing in all around it, to pass through, to be considered and set aside she never really knew. His expression took on a subtle quality, as if pleased by what he sees and had seen. Her heart rose to her throat as he approached, and she felt she had a gift undreamt of from the All-High, when Percy did not walk, but danced towards her. She felt her soul would burst with joy, that this simple creature, would accept and understand, both her joy and her fear of discovery, and would not judge, but want to play alongside her.

He stopped and gave a courtly bow as an actor on a stage might give and then extended his arms to take his surrogate's place at the dance.

"If you hadn't offered such a welcome gift," she said as she lowered her hands from her mouth and approached, "I should be very cross with you. I wanted to practice and surprise you tomorrow." She pulled him towards her, he balked slightly on touching her. She smiled and firmly held him against her. "I trust you," she said, barely a whisper, "I love you."

She smiled as he fitted himself against her. Her arms and mane and tail holding him against her bare skin. The feeling of his tiny, soft hairs on his arms, legs and face against her skin tickled and made her laugh. But she began the dance again, holding him tight. She felt herself crying with joy as she danced as much for herself, as Percy, and for her sister.

As he snuggled against her, she had a completely ridiculous thought, Humans come into season once a month. She laughed at that idea as utterly absurd.

Cadence cleared the webbing off her face. An absolutely huge, bright green bear wearing purple shorts lumbered over carrying a silver tray bearing a damp wash cloth, a brush and a cucumber sandwich. Cadence let the bear gently wash her face, then she ate the sandwich while the bear combed the rest of the webbing out of her mane. She watched him in the reflective surface of the silver tray. In the distance, a kangaroo wearing a tuxedo and an air like Celestia's at her most teasing, watched with pride at his new protege's careful work.

"Why can't we keep them, and just get rid of the others?" Cadence asked.

Armor didn't move from his staring contest/magic duel with the mouse wearing the wizard's hat. "Because we keep one, we have to keep them all." Armor suddenly dodged out of the way as high above, a twice-pony-tall coyote dropped an anvil out the window of Twilight's tower. The rodent wizard only stared in horror as it descended on it.

"Aw," Cadence said and hugged the huge bear, and receive a rather embarrassed hug back.

Blueblood came rolling out of the tower. He stopped rolling although continued to smolder as he set the geologist pick aside and stood up. He showed Armor the two stones he'd recovered. "He's probably down to delta beams without these," the pompous prince said and pointed, "I'm going over there and fall unconscious for a while. Auntie Celly will get the dry cleaning and grooming bill." Blueblood staggered over to a bench, and collapsed under it.

"Just when you think you know somepony," Armor commented on the prissy unicorn snoring away.

Milestone staggered out of Twilight's tower home. "We have them contained," Milestone said and saluted, "Except for the mouse and the suit of armor that locked itself in Miss Sparkle's workshop."

"The mouse is under the anvil," Armor said, "We'd better get him out of there, all this 'blow up the moon' stuff might not be good. Ready?"

Milestone shook his head. "Sir, can't we keep some of them, they seem decent, they've been helping us."

"According to Twilight, it's all or nothing," Armor said, "I would love to see that duck as a guard."

Milestone looked over at the figure unconscious under the bench. "What ever possessed him?"

"Seems he doesn't take kindly to threats against his aunt." Armor shrugged. "Who knew?" Armor said and continued into the tower.

The party in Twilight's library seemed to be going full swing. The first time the room had been used so. Spike was providing food for the buffet table along with several of the Royal staff.

Celestia waited for the kangaroo to finish his short lesson to Spike, before she intruded, "And thank you especially for your diplomacy," Celestia said to the kangaroo, "I can't imagine the trouble we would have had without your help."

"Your Majesty," the kangaroo said and bowed, "I must admit, I enjoyed the outing, and not having to clean up after it."

He smiled as Celestia did. The party, to which Twilight was not invited, continued. Several of the new knights of Equestria were chatting, telling war stories. The two brawlers whom everyone seemed to gravitate to were discussing philosophy, citizenship and art of all things. Celestia did a double-take as she realized Blueblood was at the inner circle and hanging on every word.

Too bad we can't keep them, Celestia thought, Let them deal with the nobles. She sighed wistfully at the mental image of Golden Scales dealing with either of the shield bearer, or the 'Knight of the Spit Curl'.

Two of the others, the tall coyote and equally tall rabbit were 'torturing' Twilight, they stood in front of the door, discussing some practice of magic or technology, and just as they got to a key part, they fell silent, as if they'd moved out of hearing range. Stomping of hooves could clearly be heard despite the privacy spells.

One or two in containment, especially the one dressed all in question marks, seemed to be taking notes and drawing sketches of the ponies, and their environs. She was glad that they seemed to be focusing their future intentions on more legal activities.

The little set of hoplite armor diligently monitored the containment field he/it had cobbled together in the workshop. They assured me they could handle his plan to 'blow up the moon' once they got back to their homeworld, Celestia thought, but remained concerned. She headed over towards the buffet table and noted the pair hanging from the ceiling. Odd, lots of animals, but no pony breeds, or humans. Very odd.

"And are you enjoying yourselves?" Celestia asked.

Despite playing the taciturn and uncaring one, he still stayed near the food, Celestia noted of the somber creature.

"Great spread your highness. Most vegetarian stuff is pretty bland," the other, more brightly colored one said.

"I'm glad you're enjoying it," she replied, and suppressed the urge to swat him with a broom.

Spiders, she thought and suppressed a shiver, I greatly prefer bats. She noted the other ceiling hanger gave him a glare.

"Ah, good evening again, Your Highness," the kangaroo said.

"You can call me Celestia, you don't have to be so formal," she assured him.

"Good luck with that," came the comment from the ceiling.

Both she and the kangaroo had the same expression of exasperated fondness. "They grow up so slowly sometimes."

"Indeed." The huge bear lumbered over, still in his tuxedo. "I am glad your mages said that we just have to all leave here, but we can go other places. I will appreciate his help, especially dusting under the piano." The bear smiled at the kangaroo's praise.

Both ceiling clingers unceremoniously descended to a heap on the floor. Many of the others wandered over to watch the 'theater'. "Can I have a word with you?" the somber one asked the kangaroo.

"Sir, after having my employer's home invaded several times," the kangaroo said and glanced at the containment field, "A more proactive reaction would be most useful. Besides, he wants to be let alone. That is generally the condition I find myself in. When not patching holes and cleaning up curious stains from clothing and carpets."

The 'Knight of the Spit Curl' snickered. So did the tall, bipedal rabbit. The hyena in the suit in containment took one look and fell over laughing hysterically.

"Please take it outside," the bear said very carefully, "Or I shall help."

"Less evocative, but does say essentially the same thing," the kangaroo said.

The chuckling of old friends and battle-forged comrades did nothing to help.

"Well, with that decided, I think we can begin shuttling you back to your homes," Celestia said, "And I promise, Twilight will not be poking holes in the walls between reality any more."

Most thanked her and nodded.

Armor had checked in on the many wounded, although Blueblood's staff had denied him entry. He limped a bit as he walked beside Cadence, who favored her right rear hoof. Her guards seemed similarly battered. All of them had the grim expressions of people who'd seen a bit too much.

"I think I have lost my taste for practical jokes," Light Song said, "I just want to get you home safely, then fortify the doors and windows."

"Use my pancakes, they'll stop a battering ram," Bright Treasure said and glanced at her horn, "I still smell burnt horn."

"Probably me," Cadence said, "Stopping our friends from fighting each other so we could fight the bad guys kind of wore me out." She glanced over at Armor. "I think you'll need to talk to Twilie, in the middle of an eleven-way battle is not the time to be asking questions and taking notes. No matter what she cast the spell for in the first place."

"You saw her mane?" Armor glanced over and said, "I don't think the brain was in the same world as the rest of her."

They entered the apartment to the welcome smell of breakfast. All of them sighed with gratitude and happiness.

"Thank you, Parasol," Cadence said.

Percy hugged them and issued them to the table. Several of the guards just dropped onto the couches in the living room.

"A letter," Parasol said and glanced at Percy serving the returnees.

"Sorry for eating your breakfast," Armor said on spotting Parasol, "I think Percy saw us, and made a connection he shouldn't have. They did warn us about that."

"I can cook more," Parasol said, she looked at the group. On her way to close the door she asked, "What happened?"

"What didn't happen?" Lonely Tear asked and ruffled her rainbow colored wings, "This will wash out, eventually."

Parasol stared as Cadence opened the letter.

" 'Dear Princess Celesta,"

"Why's it addressed to us, Shining?" she asked, Shining shrugged as he ate his toast.

" 'I would like to transition from lease to purchase the white alicorn I've been trying out. She seems a diligent worker -'" Cadence snickered. "If you only knew."

Armor nodded.

"' and seems to subsist on ORGASMS!'" Cadence exclaimed.

Armor spat out the coffee he was drinking onto the table. Percy wiped it up with a potholder and looked at him strangely. Armor returned the strange look. "They couldn't have gotten in here," he assured Cadence.

Cadence steadied herself and continued, " 'She seems to be thriving now that she's getting 80 to a 150 per session.'" The guards, now wide awake, and Parasol wandered over to listen. Percy stood there watched them carefully.

Cadence looked at Armor. When he nodded, she continued. " 'The Pink one I purchased earlier is somewhat more troublesome, but I suspect it is not her fault. To avoid confusion and performance anxiety with her companion, I have not begun servicing her myself as I purchased her as a LAYING HEN'?!" Cadence said and looked at Armor who shook his head.

"Too subtle," he commented on their former chief suspect.

Cadence crossed her eyes at the idea of any of those beings remaining in the same room as the word 'subtle'. 'Celestia' she mouthed, and smiled at Armor's answering evil-grin. " 'Per the manual, I also purchased a Studly Stallion - '"

"WHAT!?" Armor raised up and stared over her shoulder. " ' - a Studly Stallion to ensure a good supply of eggs, but none yet." He looked over his shoulder at Parasol and the guards. He smirked as he read, " 'Also following the troubleshooting guide, I purchased Pack of Friends (with removable armor) and a Fluffy Pony, each of which is supposed to enhance the quality and quantity of eggs, yet nothing. Not even with five mares to choose from."

Spring Forest ruffled her wings, but stayed quiet. Light Song began searching the furniture for other 'surprises', but had started giggling quietly.

Armor continued to read along with Cadence, " 'He displays all the behaviors that the manual describes, but no eggs. Perhaps he was 'fixed' before shipment, or he's had his polarity reversed. In either case, I don't want to saw him in half and count his rings to determine which. I've heard that lifting his tail and inserting a long screwdriver will let me tighten his mainspring. Please verify the veracity and effectiveness of this process.'"

Cadecne glanced at Armor. "Nope," Cadence said, earning a hurt look from Armor. Armor stared at the paper seeking some clue to its origins.

Cadence steadied herself and continued reading, " 'The other reason I suspect the Studly Stallion is the problem is that my neighbor purchased a blonde-maned one of the same batch, their lot numbers are the same. While that Studly Stallion fights with other stallions, preens and poses as described, when my friend put a mirror in his enclosure, she started getting an egg every other day, and two on Sunday.'"

"They're for her," Armor said.

Cadence struggled, desperately struggled not to laugh. But it was that or squeeze her brain out her ears. She laughed hysterically, pounding the floor, gasping for breath, only to start laughing some more.

Armor took the opportunity to finish the breakfast before him, and Cadence's. "Studly stallion," he muttered.

"Somepony's either a genius, or a madmare," Parasol said as she picked up the letter. The guards agreed.

"You have no idea," Light Song said.

" 'This is all very distressing,'" Parasol read aloud, " 'I am a big fan of your products, but this last purchase has been nothing but trouble.

Signed,

By the Grace of Dog, Protector of the Shif, His Imperial Aquatic and Dyslexic Majesty Ursine IX of Greater United Equestria and the Sandwich Islands, Stevedore of Dragonhome, Defender of Peoples' Democratic Republic of Upper and Sideward Suburbia, Inflictor of Maggots to the Electors of the Holy Canine Catiphate, Chief Cook and Bottlewasher of the Ochlocracy of the Griffons, Salter to Taste for the High Bishop of Lower Mediocracy, and Patent Pending Esquire.'"

Lonely Tears glanced around. "You can patent being a lawyer? Do the lawyers know this?"

Parasol glared at her. "I don't think we should tell her Majesty about this." She glanced at Percy and waggled her eyebrows at the guards.

"Any other day," Armor said, "I'd say she wrote it."

"Before today, I'd swear Blueblood was a more likely pony author," Cadence said as she rose from the floor. "Equally unlikely."

Light Song looked around sheepishly. "Do we tell anypony about this?"

Everypony shouted together, "Absolutely not!"

The normally implacable mare was hiding under the sofa in the living room.

Parasol started to snicker as she watched the guards trying to coax their defacto leader out of hiding. "Pack of Friends with detachable armor." She started laughing as the guard climbed out covered in dust bunnies.

Light Song sneezed, covering two of the other three in bits of fluff.

"At least I'm not a 'Fluffy Pony'," Bright Treasure replied, and quit grinning as the trio advanced on her.

Armor rolled his eyes as he pulled the sticky tape from the cabinet and began using the tape and magic to collect the dust bunnies off the guards. Cadence and Parasol were soon helping him. Percy got the trash container as the tape filled up. "Eggs it is, I'll get that screwdriver and have your mainspring tightened into an egg-laying machine," Armor told Cadence.

"That is clearly not how my mainspring is to be tightened, Armor my dear." She landed a dust-covered tape ball on his nose, he blew it into the trash can.

Armor looked over the mostly restored guards. "Oh, this is not funny."

Returning from running a bath for them, "Yes it is," Parasol squeaked as she dodged a couple of wing buffets.

The others just gave up and started laughing.

Celestia looked at the scene in a viewing pane. She'd tracked the group to ensure that none of the recent guests had left any surprises behind. Milestone had watched, and would inform his Captain and Cadence of the scans and the reason behind them.

She cut off the scan and put a hoof under her chin. "I do wonder when I'll start laying eggs?"

"Perhaps when your mainspring is sufficiently tightened," he replied deadpan.

"Very good point," she said and grinned.

Milestone looked like he wished he was anywhere else. "But who wrote it?"

"Oh, I'll get to the bottom of that," Celestia said and grinned again.

Dread suffused Milestone's entire being.

Solar Chaser woke from her rest. The guard in the observation room noted it. She'd schedule another interrogation for her in a bit, keeping her on an utterly irregular wake-sleep cycle destroyed the pet-killer's ability to dissemble.

She noted the pegasus had frozen and was staring in utter terror at the one-way mirror.

Then Solar started screaming, raced out of the bed and battering herself against the window.

The police mare sighed and called for security. Once she had a few officers and orderlies, they subdued and then sedated the pegasus. While the doctors checked over the prisoner, the surveillance officer got to where the pegasus was when she'd freaked and looked in that direction.

Just atop the bedpost, out of sight of the mirror was an avocado, cut to look like it was grinning. Like a well done jack-o'-lantern for Nightmare Night, the grin disturbed the police mare but she ordered it removed for testing. She looked over at the sedated pegasus and wondered why she'd freaked at the 'jackocado'.

"Maybe we finally drove her nuts?" one of the officers offered.

The police mare nodded and went back to waiting for her prisoner to wake up.