Criminal's Row

by Maka Albarn

Rating: mature
Tags: Crossover, Dark, Alternate Universe, Comedy
Length: 1117

A prison AU with the main characters working (or being) in a prison. There will be some crossover characters, ponified, or whatever, because it won't be ponies only. Including: Halo, RWBY, Red vs. Blue, Gears of War, a bit of Skyrim and more!

Equadeus Prison. The most vile prison on all Equadeus (it's the name of the planet), they have murderers, thieves, con artists, and the occasional psychos, they also have rapists and pedophiles, but they don't survive for too long, the wardens and inmates make sure of that.
Meet Sunset Shimmer, the prison's main warden, and her fellow wardens, Trixie Lulamoon, Hoofman and Jacob Keyes.

Then there are the two blackmailers, Leonard Church and Twilight Sparkle, both being murderers, their bodyguards, Michael Caboose and Applejack, respectively, at a cold war for information.
There are also the best thieves, Pinkamena Pie and Arthur Nax.

There are the incompetent (rarely a competent) guards. Do I need to mention the staff? The only good person that actually resembles a doctor is Sheila Fillys.

Disclaimer: Everything belongs to their parent company, I don't own anything except for this fanfic, my OCs and some of the places.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-12-30 02:30:04 UTC

Meet the not-so-Fresh Meat

Season 1

Chapter 1

Meet The not-so-Fresh Meat

Great.

I'm going to prison.

Sentenced for a lifetime, with small chances of parole.

Yeah, that's what you get for defending your friends.

Of all the things, it had to be me, the least attached to my friends, that lashed out at those jerks.

Why, why did I do it? I don't even like them that much, a lifetime for them?

Gotta stop moping about it, what happened, happened.

You should've seen how I massacred those guys, simply left them missing some limbs, not like that scum needed them.

The looks on their faces, priceless!

A month after beating them up, and some of them being murdered, I finally get to go to prison, where I can have my fun.

How will I blend in? I'd rather die than be someone's bitch, for sure, not like they could take me on, too bad all the prisons subdue magic to a minimum.

Fucking president Celestia, and her stupid rules, I could use my magic, but no, I have to use my godly strength, thank Eris those idiots have no idea just what and who I am.

A lifetime? Bitch please, I'm immortal! I better behave if I ever want to leave the shithole I'm going to, what was it? Equadeus Prison? Heard about it, free hand for everyone, the guards, other staff, wardens and inmates, the inmates can actually earn MONEY for working, and then buy some items off people who have an agreement with guards to bring things in.

I will leave the prison with thousands of bits.

After all, they don't know how to subdue my silver tongue and certain aspects of my magic.

It will be interesting.

Who am I on the bus with?

There are a bunch of minotaurs on a few seats, probably a gang caught red-handed.

There are two diamond dogs, far away from eachother, enemies or strangers?

Lots of ponies.

There's a drake. Not a dragon, just a small, wingless drake, purple scales, light green belly. And green... what are those on his head and back? Looks very scared.

There are a few griffons trying to look tough. Oh how I love those mish-mashes I created, took a random cat, and a random bird, they should be thankful they aren't a hybrid of a flamingo and a house cat.

Got a new creature to make when I get out, I already got an idea.

Oh, is this a batpony?

And a changeling! How lovely.

Those actually surprised me when I made them, I found some strange bug I never seen in my whole life, and that's something, I created every living being on this planet, and made a creature with it's DNA, and the DNA of a pony.

The result surprised me, a new kind of a pony, which made hives, and could shapeshift. Simply chaotic.

Then I started hating them. When a pony and a changeling got intimate, an immortal alicorn was born. I hate alicorns, damn, they started restoring order, I'm not completely insane, I made some weapons for the griffins, minotaurs and diamond dogs, which could kill the alicorns, and hid myself.

When the alicorns noticed the other races going for them, they were too late, around a hundred or so survived. Just THEN I set out killing off the weaker ones. But, for situations like this, where I had to be with mortals, I immediately went into hiding for a few decades, leaving only around two dozen or so of those pesky creatures. Only race I hate.

The last alicorn born is Twilight Sparkle, just twenty years ago.

Looks like the ride's over.

Just ahead of the prison, there are wardens waiting, around fifty other fresh meats waiting.

Why do I have the right to say fresh meats? Because I already was in a prison once.

The bus stops and I stand up, thanks to my height I'm towering over everything in here, even the adult drake (that has the mentality of a kid).

I slowly walk out, on the back of the group.

And here's a real dragon, a kid, just two thousand years old, taller than me by not even an inch.

There are two wardens. One is a peach-coloured unicorn mare with flowing red and yellow mane and tail. Sunset Shimmer, heard about her, trained by Celestia herself.

The other is a cyan unicorn with very light blue mane and tail, almost white. Her colour palette reminds me of the Lulamoon family.

I can't see their cutie marks because of their uniforms.

Then Sunset spoke.

"Round up, criminal scum, in four rows! One row for lifetime with slight or none chances of parole, second row for lifetime with high chances of parole. Third row for long sentences, fourth row for people with sentences under five years!"

I decided to move to the first row.

Couldn't really go anywhere else, now could I?

She wants us sorted so she can scream at the first row, and be nice to the fourth row.

Lovely.

"Move out, I'll show you your cells! Everyone goes to their respective blocks based on their crimes!"

That great, I can be paired with fellow murderers, and have them not run away from me because of all my violent attacks. Maybe I could even trade stories?

Yeah, and then the block is full of self-defence pussies. That would have been horrible, for them, not for me.

But as she leads my row, I can see only a few pussies, most creatures are full of scars, they think they're tough.

She gives everyone in the front row a red card, with the number of our cells, I got 478. She then tell us the schedule and tells them we're dismissed.

It's 9PM right now, the lights go out in a hour.

At 8AM is breakfast, then we have free time until 1PM, when we eat lunch, then for the next five hours we work, or if some stupid lazy asses don't want to work, they stay in cell. Then two more hours of free time, and later dinner, more free time, then half a hour before the light go out, we go to the room where they say all the announcements.

Then we either go to cell, or ask the guard for some work for twice as much money, but can't leave until the clock hits 2AM.

This stay is going to be good, I could already see the mischief in the eyes of my inmates and some of the more crazy-looking guards. Most were just either interested in me or simply terrified.

Lovely.

Days survived with mentality intact: 1.