Breaking Gad

by Jake the Dog

Rating: mature
Tags: Random, Slice of Life, Crossover, Human
Length: 9466

Twilight Sparkle, Princess Celestia's former student and her friend, Pinkie Pie, grow crystal sugar in order to support themselves financially.

Breaking Gad is the two-year-long story of Twilight Sparkle, a struggling former student of Princess Celestia, who is diagnosed with encephalomyelitis. She turns to a life of crime, producing and selling crystal sugar in order to secure her dragon, Spike's, financial future before she dies. Teaming up with her best friend, Pinkie Pie, they together grow Equestria's best crystal empire. (No pun intended.)

(Note: A 'gad' is the thing on rider's heel. You kick it into the horse to make it go faster. Not a typo!)

This story was proofread by Bass Line. Show his profile some love.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-01-06 19:46:18 UTC

Prologue

-Season One-

Cookbook

Prologue

Pinkie Pie

Likes candy

"My name is Pinkamena Diane Pie. I live at Sugar Cube Corner, Ponyville, Equestria.  To all law enforcement entities, this is not an admission of guilt. I am speaking to my family now.

Dashie, you are the love of my life, I hope you know that. Pinkie Junior, you're my big girl. There are... there are going to be some things, things that you'll come to learn about me in the next few days. I just want you to know that, no matter how it may look, I only had you in my heart. Goodbye." Pinkie set down the audio recording on the countertop, and hoped that someone would find it soon enough. She picked up her handgun: a Smith & Wesson 1911. The magazine had five rounds loaded inside, with one already in the chamber.

Pinkie dashed out of the back of the house, relieved to be in fresh air, only to find herself surrounded by three law enforcers. They wore one-hole balaclavas covered by Advanced Combat Helmets, and on their torso, they were sporting ballistic vests which read CEA, or Candy Enforcement Administration. They pointed their firearms at Pinkie. They were Glock 22s, capable of firing .40 caliber Smith & Wesson rounds over eight hundred miles an hour, and, althought stagnant, they had LWRCI M6A2 carbines held up by a sling.

"Drop the gun, put your hands up, and get down on your knees!" shouted the first, as he motioned with his handgun towards the ground.

Pinkie just gleefully stood there, confused. She had no clue what in Equestria to do.

The second CEA agent spoke. "You have ten seconds to get on the floor and drop your weapon, or you will be fired upon!" He, too, motioned toward the ground, as if Pinkie didn't know what the ground was.

"Five!"

"Four!"

"Three!"

"Two!"

Pinkie lay on the ground. She was cuffed, and forced to her feet by Bozo #3.

Then, Bozo #3 finally spoke. "2-5, reporting in. The target is secure, moving to Rally Point Alpha." He, along with Bozo #1, took Pinkie to the front of the house, then shoved her into the back of a BearCat APC.

Pinkie couldn't really see where they were or where they were going--the APC had no windows, with the exception of the back vents. It was boring. So she went to sleep and started to snore.

Agent Coleman

Bozo #3

Agent Coleman was distracted from his driving by a sound coming from the back seat. He couldn't quite tell what it--

"Is our fucking hostage snoring?" asked Agent Parker.

"I was wondering what that motherfucking sound was!" exclaimed Coleman. "Distracting as shit, especially when you're trying to drive a--" he swerved a bit for emphasis-- "BearCat!"

"Well, you won't have to put up with this shit for too much longer," said Sergeant Hall. "Rally Point Alpha is eight more blocks away. We bring 'er in, we get paid, and we get all the credit for turnin' in the biggest candy lord in Equestria." He chuckled, and then added, "can't wait 'till this asshole is someone else's probl'm."

"You can say that again," snickered Parker.

Agent Parker

Black guy with an attitude

Agent Parker decided he'd had enough. He put his hand on Coleman's shoulder. "Stop the car," he commanded.

"Whatever for?" questioned Coleman. Even though he'd no answer, he pulled over to the side of the road anyway.

Parker got out and opened up the two back doors, letting light flood in from outside. He hopped up into the back, and punched Pinkie across the face. She screamed something like "Banana raspberry sprinkles!" Parker hopped back out and got into shotgun, next to Hall, who was sitting in the middle.

They continued driving as if nothing had happened.

Pinkie Pie

Again

Pinkie was wide awake now. She'd no clue what'd happened, but all she knew is she needed to find a way out. With the cuffs on behind her back, she wasn't really. . .mobile. She couldn't interact with anything that much either, as she would have to turn her back to the object and couldn't see her hands, anyway.

She, without making any noise, lightly tried to kick the back doors open. Locked shut. She needed to try something else.

Pinkie tried looking for any loose bolts or in the floor that she might have been able to pry open and jump through. But then again, dropping through a hole in a moving vehicle with heavy traffic wasn't that good of an idea.

But if it was a way out of here, she was willing to try.

Pinkie crouched down and tried to reach down to see if she could look for any weak spots in the welding, She couldn't reach the ground. She was going to have to do this the hard way.

She lay down on her back and imitating moves like. . .she was swimming, or something. She tried prying at a piece of metal to see if it would come off. . .no luck. She scoured every square inch of the floor.

Nothing.

All Pinkie could do is wait. Hopefully Twilight was okay.

All that mattered was that Twilight was okay.

Twilight Sparkle

Self-proclaimed nerd

"Applejack, are you in position?" Twilight asked, as she pulled back the bolt on her sniper rifle. The rifle itself was state-of-the-art; for it was a CheyTac M-200 Intervention. It had a.408 CheyTac cartridge that fires very-low-drag mono metal bullets, designed for  deadly force and accuracy at up to a recorded two thousand yards.

They were at Rally Point Alpha, where Pinky was going to be dropped off to be taken to prison. Twilight was opposite of Applejack, and they were both overlooking the military checkpoint.

"Confirm, Twi. Right across from ya. . .counting. . .uh. . .three armed hostiles at the gate. Ah'll take the one on the left. You get the one on the right, closest to you. We''ll wait for the guy in the middle to leave." Applejack checked her ammunition and loaded the magazine back into the sniper. Then, she switched off the safety and pulled back the bolt as the round chambered.

"Okay. We have to do this fast though, the APC should be here any minute. Fluttershy, what about you? Are you in position?"

Fluttershy clicked on her radio. "C-c-copy t-that, Twilight. I-I'm scared. . ." Fluttershy trembled.

Twilight sighed and suddenly regretted bringing her on this mission, even if she was just the getaway driver.

"Hold on, Twi. . ." commanded Applejack. She clicked on the safety once again and turned the gun ninety degrees toward the road. "Ah can see the APC from here. From what Ah see, it's less than a mile away. Let's do this quick." Applejack clicked the safety off, and took aim at the guy on the left. "Twi, can I ask you somethin'?" Applejack took a deep breath.

"What is it, Applejack?" came the reply.

"How fast are you at pulling back a bolt?" Applejack pulled the trigger, the silencer muffling the muzzle flash and the sound almost completely.

"Shit, Applejack?! What the fuck?" Twilight quickly took aim and shot at her target, then immeditately rechambered her round. She took aim, and fired again. All this happened in less than half a second. Twilight clicked on her safety and stared down the scope at Applejack. Applejack put two fingers together and waved them forward toward the checkpoint. Mission is a go.

Dead Guy

I'm dead.

Nuff said.

Applejack

Motherbucker!

When both Applejack and Twilight reached the gate, Twilight's immediate response was, "What the FUCK was that?! You could've gotten us killed!" scolded Twilight.

"See, but I didn't, Twi."

Twilight couldn't help but crack a smile. "We'd better move these bodies. Fast. We can hide them in the security booth," suggested Twilight."

"Good idea," Applejack agreed.

They both grabbed hold of a corpse and carried it into the security booth--sure, it was a tight fit, but still, they're carcasses. They don't complain about bad weather or a hike up a hill.

They then both helped each other cram the third corpse into the tollbooth, and quickly hid inside of it. The bodies reeked, but neither of them minded.  They held their weapons ready in case anything went wrong.

Twilight smiled again. "All your base are belong to us."

Fluttershy gulped as the BearCat passed her vehicle. "I sure hope this w-works."

Sergeant Hall

He and Applejack would make good fuckbuddies

Sergeant Hall, being sitted in the middle, was feeling as cramped as three bodies in a tollbooth. Although he did have a nice view of the road, what was there to see? All San Palomino was was desert, desert, more desert, and the occasional town.

That was all.

Being sat in the middle also gave him the best ear for IEDs. Because he was the first to hear it. It was a small beeping or clicking, just barely detectable by the human ear.

The entire front-end of the car took the impact as it exploded into a fiery ball of flame. Luckily, the back of it was still pretty much intact--it wasn't called an APC for nothing.

Pinkie Pie

Hey kids, want some candy?

Pinkie Pie was thrust into the air and tossed around the back of the APC. She started coughing and wheezing as smoke filled the back of the armoured vehicle. She hit the ground hard and almost passed out. She was badly injured.

The back doors of the vehicle were opened, and Pikie saw two sillhouettes come into view. More CEA? It looked like they had guns, but she couldn't tell. Her vision was fuzzy and she couldn't see at all through the smoke. Luckily, most of it cleared out relatively quickly when the doors opened, as it escaped out into the evening air. She was forced onto her feet by the two people. Pinkie made an effort to look to her right and left to catch a glimpse of the two mysterious men/women. It hurt too much. She must have broken her jaw, or at least a cheekbone.

Pinkie was carefully put in the backseat of the vehicle, a Ford F-150. She caught a glimpse of the driver.

'Fluttershy' is what she tried to say, but it probably came out something like,

"Fugirpie?"

"Ssh. . . just rest." Pinkie laid down in the back, taking up two entire seats.

Wait a minute. She'd recognized that voice.

Twilight.

Drug Bust

Cookbook

Twilight Sparkle

Innocent enough.

Twilight Sparkle.

If you really look at her life, it seems kind of pathetic.

Lives in a tree.

With a dinosaur.

Without a job. . .at least for now. In the next twenty-four hours, her life was going to change drastically, and she didn't even know it.

And besides, she had just be diagnosed with encephalomyelitis.

She waded to her bed and sat down, head in hands. She was done being a student for Princess Celestia; she had finished all her training, and now she had no source of income whatsoever.

She needed a way to make money. Fast.

Pinkie Pie

An enthusiastic motherfucker.

That was the last straw. Mrs. Cake decided she'd had enough of Pinkie's shenanigans. Every day, she just ate and ate all Mrs. Cake's hard work, and Pinkie could devour it in five seconds flat. It was a wonder her stomach wasn't as big as a balloon. No matter. She wouldn't be at Sugarcube Corner anymore. . .well, at least not for the time being.

"Out!" shouted Mrs. Cake, and pointed to the door.

Pinkie, feeling ashamed, walked to the door, opened it as the bell jingled, and went outside. Her head hung low. She now had no money, no cupcakes, and no place to stay. Hopefully, one of her friends would be kind enough to let her stay.

First, she tried Fluttershy's cottage.

Pinkie knocked on the door. Fluttershy answered, and responded with, "Oh, hello, Pinkie. How can I help you?"

"I need a place to stay! I don't suppose you have anywhere, do you?"

"Sorry, Pinkie, I don't have any room. Mr. Sloth just moved in. Unless you want to share the couch with him," replied Fluttershy.

"YAY! PAR-- oh. That's okay! I'll go ask Rarity!"

Pinkie knocked on the door. Rarity answered, and responded with, "Oh, darling! Come here! I need you to try on a dress for me." Rarity walked inside, and turned her back to Pinkie as she showed her a dress. "Now, what color should this be? Sky, teal, turquoise, spindrift, or flora?" Rarity waited a minute. "Pinkie?" She faced Pinkie again, but she was nowhere to be found.

Next, Pinkie tried Rainbow Dash's house.

"HEY, RAINBOW DASH!"

Rainbow Dash stuck her head out from the cloud she was laying on. "What is it, Pinkie?" she asked.

Pinkied cupped a hand to her ear.

Rainbow Dash sighed. "WHAT IS IT, PINKIE?" she screamed.

"CAN I STAY WITH YOU FOR A LITTLE WHILE?" came the reply from the ground.

"YOU'RE KIDDING, RIGHT?" asked Rainbow Dash.

"Oh. YEAH, I GUESS I DIDN'T THINK THAT THROUGH!" said Pinkie Pie. She waved to Rainbow Dash as she walked away.

That left two people. Applejack and Twilight.

She tried Applejack next, hoping she would allow Pinkie to stay. She stared at the Sweet Apple Acres sign and smiled. Then, she walked down the long path to the farmhouse and knocked on the door for the third time.

The door opened. It wasn't Applejack though. It was Applebloom. "Heya, Pinkie! What can Ah do for ya?"

"Hey, Applebloom! Is Applejack there?

"Yep, she sure is. C'mon in, lemme go get 'er." Applebloom walked off somewhere else in the house. Pinkie could hear talking going on in the other room.

Soon enough, Applejack came to the door where Pinkie was standing. "Heya Pinkie, ya need somethin'?" Applejack asked, the grain of wheat in her mouth bobbing up and down as she spoke.

Pinkie cleared her throat. "Yeah, AJ! I was wondering if I could stay here for a little while! You know, just because. . ."

Applejack sighed. "Pinkie, what happened?"

"Oh, you know, nothing really! Nothing important, no siree!" came the reply.

Applejack stared right into her eyes. Pinkie gulped. "What. Happened."

"I got kicked out of Sugarcube Corner! Butipromiseididn'treallydoanythingimeanlikeididn'treallyknowwhatididtoupsetMrs.Cakejustpleasepleasepleasedon'tgetmadatmeipromiseididn'tdoitonpurposeand--"

"Pinkie, slooooooooooooow down. Yes, you can stay." Applejack closed her eyes and nodded, but then opened them up wide again. "On one condition."

"Aaaand what is that, AJ?"

"Ya have ta help pick apples."

Pinkie sighed and nodded slowly. "Sorry AJ, but I'm gonna have to turn down that offer!" She stood up tall, turned one hundred eighty degrees, and was on her way back down the path to Ponyville.

That left one person to ask.

Twilight.

Pinkie bounded up to the tree and knocked on wood. Literally.

Twilight answered the door, her violet hair gleaming in the sunlight. "Hey, Pinkie."

"Hey Twilight! May I stay here for a little while?" she asked, folding her hands together and fluttering her eyelashes.

"I don't know, Pinkie. I don't have much money right now. . .unless you could pay rent or you have an idea of how we could make money relatively quickly, you're on your own. I suppose you asked everyone else?"

Pinkie nodded. "Well, I do know one way we can make money. . ."

They waited until nightfall, when they could blend in with the shadows. The pair slipped out of the house and made their way to Sugarcube Corner. The friends needed to find a way in. The front door was locked, and, besides, even if they did go through the front, it did have a bell.

The two wore balaclavas and black jumpsuits to conceal themselves. They also had gloves, careful not to leave fingerprints. Twilight's were black like everything else she was wearing.

Pinkie's were pink.

"What's on the list?" asked Twilight, suddenly breaking the silence.

"For a single batch, we'll need three cups of sugar," explained Pinkie Pie. "If we wanted to raise the prices we could also add food coloring or flavoring, too! Ooh! Ooh! How about cupcakes!" she exclaimed.

Twilight rolled her eyes, not like anyone could see it. "Pinkie, we're not adding cupcakes to our crystal sugar," she scolded.

"Sorry!" apologized Pinkie, a bit too loud. Luckily, no one heard.

Eventually, they found a window on the first floor that was unlocked. Twilight slid it open and kept watch while Pinkie made her way to the back.

She found the sugar right away. They took three cups, like the book had said. Pinkie smiled. Twilight had a book for everything. She put the bags of sugar in her

Unfortunately, the food coloring and flavoring was on too high of a shelf for Pinkie to reach. So, she grabbed a stool and stood on it.

(Never a good idea, kids.)

She was able to reach the two ingredients, but lost her balance, fell, and made quite a racket.

Then she heard a baby start to cry. She looked back at Twilight, who mouthed 'Oh, shit' and nodded. Pinkie nodded back, grabbed the two ingredients, and stuffed them in her bag. She quickly put the stool back in place, but then heard someone come down the stairs.

She did what she could. Pinkie jumped behind the counter just in time for Mr. Cake to come down the stairs, holding the baby. He opened a fridge in the back room, its luminescent light shining on Pinkie. She froze and tried to make herself appear tiny. But luckily, his back was turned to Pinkie.

She peered up above the counter to see Twilight hiding behind a chair. Twilight held up five fingers, the universal symbol for 'stop.' Pinkie wasn't complaining.

Twilight Sparkle

Nerdier than before

Twilight rummaged through her bag, and found what she was looking for. An ECM jammer, capable of turning off sonar, infrared, things like that. She just hoped it would work on the fridge.

She slid the ECM jammer across the floor to Pinkie. Pinkie swooped it up, stuck it down and hit the 'On' button.

You could hear it working; it played back feedback of the electronic devices in the area. That included microwaves, alarm clocks, cell phones, and hopefully damn refrigerators.

Luckily, it did. The light shut off, and Pinkie put the ECM jammer carefully in a trash can.

No evidence.

Pinkie crawled back to Twilight, and they both slipped out with all they needed. There was only one thing left:

boiled water.

Easy enough to get that.

Both of the friends went back to Twilight's tree, where they took off their jumpsuits, balaclavas, and gloves, and dumped both their bag's contents onto the table.

Perfect.

Surgeon

Drug Bust

Twilight Sparkle

Now a drug dealer

"Twilight, come here. You've got to see this," Pinkie called out to Twilight.

Twilight was having coffee and enjoying a book, but Pinkie was wide awake and ready to go about her day.

Pinkie was checking the mail, and Spike was yet to get up.

Twilight rubbed her eyes a bit groggily. "What is it, Pinkie?" she asked.

"You might want to have a look at this. I think it's an invite to a PARTY!" she screamed, rocking the whole house. It's a wonder she didn't wake the entire town. Pinkie pulled a yellow envelope out from under a pile of mail. It looked like it held legal douments, and was indicated (other than the stamps) only by a single red word that said "Classified".

Twilight carefully teared the envelope's seal, in case it needed to be sent back in the sleeve. She pulled out the envelope's contents, and dumped them onto the table.

They weren't legal documents so much as they were threats to Twilight and Pinkie.

Twilight Sparkle and Pinkie Pie

I am watching you. There is room for only one crystal empire in Equestria, and I'll say, I have a feeling it's going to be mine. So, from my perspective, you have three options here.

One, you stop making crystal completely;

Two, you join together with me, give me your crystal, and we'll grow our empire together (my personal preference, by the way, but it would be quite satisfying to see you in a coffin);

or Three, I will deal with you by myself.

From when I send this message out, you have three days to make up your mind. I don't care if it gets to you late. Only way you're getting out of this is if I get a Return to Sender.

So, what's it going to be, hotshots?

Clocks ticking,

Krystal-7

"What kind of name is Krystal-7? Hey, Italicizer! What kind of name is Krystal-7?" compained Pinkie.

(Oh, I'm not sure, Pinkie. I don't make the names. Try asking Narrator.)

"Hey, Narrator! What kind of name is Krystal-7?" complained Pinkie.

Oh, I'm not sure, Pinkie. I don't make the names. Just do your drug deal, or whatever.

"Um, Pinkie?" called Twilight. "Who exactly are you. . .talking to?"

"Nevermind. Let's go to the drug deal like Narrator said!" Pinkie bounced downstairs to the library and waited by the front door.

Twilight sighed. She picked up a pen and wrote and note for Spike when he got up. . .a little white lie. And then she went downstairs and met up with Pinkie.

Pinkie Pie

sugarsugarsugarsugaryourermysugar

"What if something goes wrong?" asked Pinkie.

"Good point," said Twilight. "That's why I brought these. She got out of the F-150 and opened the bed of the truck. She motioned for Pinkie to come out by waving into the rearview mirror.

Pinkie got out and walked to the back of the truck, next to Twilight. Twilight was holding a suitcase. She set it down in the truck bed and opened it.

Pinkie gasped. It was surprising, even for her, to see something this extraordianary.

Inside the suitcase was a bunch of firearms. There were two Smith & Wesson Model 1911's, a favorable weapon because of it's accurary, wood grip, and the mean kick that the .45 ACP caliber gave off when it was fired. There were also two CheyTac M200 Intervention's. Good, concealable, accurate weapons but Pinkie doubted they would be doing any long-range firefights.

How wrong she was.

Fluttershy

yay

Fluttershy couldn't believe she'd agreed to do this. Maybe it was because she was helping her friends. Did Applejack feel the same way? Applejack was sitting in shotgun next to her. They'd both agreed to go to the deal for extra support (if ever needed) but Fluttershy didn't ever think that there needed to be.

How wrong she was.

(Are you going to keep saying that or what's going on here, asshole?)

Italicizer, don't be an ass.

(You're an ass.)

Shut up.

(You shut up.)

Aren't we, like, the same people, though?

(No, asshole. Go cry in a corner. Boohoohoo.)

Pinkie Pie

Running out of things to say. Actually, in a little bit, it'll have plenty of ideas, because really, I just mixed two different chapters.

Pinkie walked into the house. This was the location they had agreed to do the meeting.

She had plenty of useful things on her; Kevlar cord capable of lifting up to two-hundred pounds, radios, voice recorders, guns; stuff like that. She hoped she wouldn't have to use them.

She saw a man who looked relatively like a man who would call himself Krystal-7; broken, yellow teeth, smelled like cigarette smoke, hadn't bathed in three years. And he stunk.

A lot.

So much I had to make a new paragraph for it. He was sitting on a couch, smoking. He started coughing and wheezing.

The place itself was trashed. There was graffiti on the walls. Shards of glass places. Dirt, grime, piss, whatever that. . .green stuff growing on the wall was. She cursed under her breath.

That was when Pinkie heard the sirens.

Krystal-7 turned around. "You fucking idiot! You led them here!" accused Krystal-7

Pinkie stood there, trembling. "No, we didn't! The cops don't even know we're wanted! Maybe they're coming for a PARTY!" Pinkie always tried to make like out of situations like these.

Krystal stood up. "Do you know what this means?" he asked, being serious.

Pinkie sighed. "No, and I don't really care but I think you're going to tell me anyway."

Krystal nodded. "Option number three."

Krystal opened a side of his trench coat, revealing an assortion of knives and whips and other torture weapons.

Pinkie opened a side of her jacket, revealing a gun.

Krystal tried to stab Pinkie, but she was too quick. She drew her weapon and fired two quick shots and his head, the ACP rounds shattering his skull and sending bits of. . .well, brain. . .on the floor.

Pinkie knew the time was up for her. She took out an audio recorder.

Fluttershy

no

Fluttershy saw the CEA pull up and panicked. She started the engine, but Twilight quickly stopped Fluttershy from drawing attention by putting her hand on Fluttershy's shoulder from the back seat. Fluttershy smiled, but it quickly faded as the CEA surrounded the house.

Pinkie Pie

Likes candy

"My name is Pinkamena Diane Pie. I live at Sugar Cube Corner, Ponyville, Equestria.  To all law enforcement entities, this is not an admission of guilt. I am speaking to my family now.

Dashie, you are the love of my life, I hope you know that. Pinkie Junior, you're my big girl. There are... there are going to be some things, things that you'll come to learn about me in the next few days. I just want you to know that, no matter how it may look, I only had you in my heart. Goodbye." Pinkie set down the audio recording on the countertop, and hoped that someone would find it soon enough. She picked up her handgun: a Smith & Wesson 1911. The magazine had five rounds loaded inside, with one already in the chamber.

Pinkie dashed out of the back of the house, relieved to be in fresh air, only to find herself surrounded by three law enforcers. They wore one-hole balaclavas covered by Advanced Combat Helmets, and on their torso, they were sporting ballistic vests which read CEA, or Candy Enforcement Administration. They pointed their firearms at Pinkie. They were Glock 22s, capable of firing .40 caliber Smith & Wesson rounds over eight hundred miles an hour, and, althought stagnant, they had LWRCI M6A2 carbines held up by a sling.

"Drop the gun, put your hands up, and get down on your knees!" shouted the first, as he motioned with his handgun towards the ground.

Pinkie just gleefully stood there, confused. She had no clue what in Equestria to do.

The second CEA agent spoke. "You have ten seconds to get on the floor and drop your weapon, or you will be fired upon!" He, too, motioned toward the ground, as if Pinkie didn't know what the ground was.

"Five!"

"Four!"

"Three!"

"Two!"

Pinkie lay on the ground. She was cuffed, and forced to her feet by Bozo #3.

Then, Bozo #3 finally spoke. "2-5, reporting in. The target is secure, moving to Rally Point Alpha." He, along with Bozo #1, took Pinkie to the front of the house, then shoved her into the back of a BearCat APC.

Pinkie couldn't really see where they were or where they were going--the APC had no windows, with the exception of the back vents. It was boring. So she went to sleep and started to snore.

Agent Coleman

Bozo #3

Agent Coleman was distracted from his driving by a sound coming from the back seat. He couldn't quite tell what it--

"Is our fucking hostage snoring?" asked Agent Parker.

"I was wondering what that motherfucking sound was!" exclaimed Coleman. "Distracting as shit, especially when you're trying to drive a--" he swerved a bit for emphasis-- "BearCat!"

"Well, you won't have to put up with this shit for too much longer," said Sergeant Hall. "Rally Point Alpha is eight more blocks away. We bring 'er in, we get paid, and we get all the credit for turnin' in the biggest candy lord in Equestria." He chuckled, and then added, "can't wait 'till this asshole is someone else's probl'm."

"You can say that again," snickered Parker.

Agent Parker

Black guy with an attitude

Agent Parker decided he'd had enough. He put his hand on Coleman's shoulder. "Stop the car," he commanded.

"Whatever for?" questioned Coleman. Even though he'd no answer, he pulled over to the side of the road anyway.

Parker got out and opened up the two back doors, letting light flood in from outside. He hopped up into the back, and punched Pinkie across the face. She screamed something like "Banana raspberry sprinkles!" Parker hopped back out and got into shotgun, next to Hall, who was sitting in the middle.

They continued driving as if nothing had happened.

Pinkie Pie

Again

Pinkie was wide awake now. She'd no clue what'd happened, but all she knew is she needed to find a way out. With the cuffs on behind her back, she wasn't really. . .mobile. She couldn't interact with anything that much either, as she would have to turn her back to the object and couldn't see her hands, anyway.

She, without making any noise, lightly tried to kick the back doors open. Locked shut. She needed to try something else.

Pinkie tried looking for any loose bolts or in the floor that she might have been able to pry open and jump through. But then again, dropping through a hole in a moving vehicle with heavy traffic wasn't that good of an idea.

But if it was a way out of here, she was willing to try.

Pinkie crouched down and tried to reach down to see if she could look for any weak spots in the welding, She couldn't reach the ground. She was going to have to do this the hard way.

She lay down on her back and imitating moves like. . .she was swimming, or something. She tried prying at a piece of metal to see if it would come off. . .no luck. She scoured every square inch of the floor.

Nothing.

All Pinkie could do is wait. Hopefully Twilight was okay.

All that mattered was that Twilight was okay.

Twilight Sparkle

Self-proclaimed nerd

"Applejack, are you in position?" Twilight asked, as she pulled back the bolt on her sniper rifle. The rifle itself was state-of-the-art; for it was a CheyTac M-200 Intervention. It had a.408 CheyTac cartridge that fires very-low-drag mono metal bullets, designed for  deadly force and accuracy at up to a recorded two thousand yards.

They were at Rally Point Alpha, where Pinky was going to be dropped off to be taken to prison. Twilight was opposite of Applejack, and they were both overlooking the military checkpoint.

"Confirm, Twi. Right across from ya. . .counting. . .uh. . .three armed hostiles at the gate. Ah'll take the one on the left. You get the one on the right, closest to you. We''ll wait for the guy in the middle to leave." Applejack checked her ammunition and loaded the magazine back into the sniper. Then, she switched off the safety and pulled back the bolt as the round chambered.

"Okay. We have to do this fast though, the APC should be here any minute. Fluttershy, what about you? Are you in position?"

Fluttershy clicked on her radio. "C-c-copy t-that, Twilight. I-I'm scared. . ." Fluttershy trembled.

Twilight sighed and suddenly regretted bringing her on this mission, even if she was just the getaway driver.

"Hold on, Twi. . ." commanded Applejack. She clicked on the safety once again and turned the gun ninety degrees toward the road. "Ah can see the APC from here. From what Ah see, it's less than a mile away. Let's do this quick." Applejack clicked the safety off, and took aim at the guy on the left. "Twi, can I ask you somethin'?" Applejack took a deep breath.

"What is it, Applejack?" came the reply.

"How fast are you at pulling back a bolt?" Applejack pulled the trigger, the silencer muffling the muzzle flash and the sound almost completely.

"Shit, Applejack?! What the fuck?" Twilight quickly took aim and shot at her target, then immeditately rechambered her round. She took aim, and fired again. All this happened in less than half a second. Twilight clicked on her safety and stared down the scope at Applejack. Applejack put two fingers together and waved them forward toward the checkpoint. Mission is a go.

Dead Guy

I'm dead.

Nuff said.

Applejack

Motherbucker!

When both Applejack and Twilight reached the gate, Twilight's immediate response was, "What the FUCK was that?! You could've gotten us killed!" scolded Twilight.

"See, but I didn't, Twi."

Twilight couldn't help but crack a smile. "We'd better move these bodies. Fast. We can hide them in the security booth," suggested Twilight."

"Good idea," Applejack agreed.

They both grabbed hold of a corpse and carried it into the security booth--sure, it was a tight fit, but still, they're carcasses. They don't complain about bad weather or a hike up a hill.

They then both helped each other cram the third corpse into the tollbooth, and quickly hid inside of it. The bodies reeked, but neither of them minded.  They held their weapons ready in case anything went wrong.

Twilight smiled again. "All your base are belong to us."

Fluttershy gulped as the BearCat passed her vehicle. "I sure hope this w-works."

Sergeant Hall

He and Applejack would make good fuckbuddies

Sergeant Hall, being sitted in the middle, was feeling as cramped as three bodies in a tollbooth. Although he did have a nice view of the road, what was there to see? All San Palomino was was desert, desert, more desert, and the occasional town.

That was all.

Being sat in the middle also gave him the best ear for IEDs. Because he was the first to hear it. It was a small beeping or clicking, just barely detectable by the human ear.

The entire front-end of the car took the impact as it exploded into a fiery ball of flame. Luckily, the back of it was still pretty much intact--it wasn't called an APC for nothing.

Pinkie Pie

Hey kids, want some candy?

Pinkie Pie was thrust into the air and tossed around the back of the APC. She started coughing and wheezing as smoke filled the back of the armoured vehicle. She hit the ground hard and almost passed out. She was badly injured.

The back doors of the vehicle were opened, and Pikie saw two sillhouettes come into view. More CEA? It looked like they had guns, but she couldn't tell. Her vision was fuzzy and she couldn't see at all through the smoke. Luckily, most of it cleared out relatively quickly when the doors opened, as it escaped out into the evening air. She was forced onto her feet by the two people. Pinkie made an effort to look to her right and left to catch a glimpse of the two mysterious men/women. It hurt too much. She must have broken her jaw, or at least a cheekbone.

Pinkie was carefully put in the backseat of the vehicle, a Ford F-150. She caught a glimpse of the driver.

'Fluttershy' is what she tried to say, but it probably came out something like,

"Fugirpie?"

"Ssh. . . just rest." Pinkie laid down in the back, taking up two entire seats.

Wait a minute. She'd recognized that voice.

Twilight.

Kingpin

Surgeon

Twilight

Now a medic somehow

"Get 'er in the house!" Applejack grabbed Pinkie's legs. Twilight grabbed her upper body, and Fluttershy went parked the car. Together, with the eyes of nosy pedestrians watching them the whole way, Applejack and Twilight got Pinkie inside Twilight's house.

Applejack let go of Pinkie's legs, and sweeped the top of a table of it's contents. They cluttered to the floor. Then, with the help of Twilight, they managed to hoist Pinkie onto the table.

Pinkie was bleeding profusely, losing more and more blood every second they wasted.

Twilight dashed into the bathroom, emerging with a first-aid kit. She laid it next to Pinkie and opened it up. Inside was medical equipment such as defibulators, Band-Aids, gauze, et cetera.

Twilight grapped gauze sponge and used it to clean the blood off around Pinkie's wound in her leg. Her lip quivered, and a tear leaked down her cheek. You could tell she was in pain.

Once the blood was removed from around the wound, Twilight could get a clear view of what was inside. It was a piece of molten steel that had probably melted in the explosion, lodged itself in Pinkie's leg, then hardened again.

Applejack held Pinkie's legs down as Twilight put a pair of surgical gloves on.

(Remember to get that nice little snap in, Twilight. Chicks dig the little snap.)

It looked worse than it was. "Don't worry Pinkie. This'll only hurt for a little bit."

Using a scalpel, Twilight made a dotted line around where she thought the steel was lodged in. Using her free arm, she set down a spool of thread next to Pinkie.

Twilight gently tugged on the steel. Luckily, it came out without any problem.

Except one.

Pinkie Pie

First-time surgery undergoer

Pinkie yelled out in pain. The piece of steel was out of her leg, which she was happy about, but now she was leaking blood everywhere. Which she was not happy about. Her throat was dry. Ever so dry. She struggled for a bit, but Applejack had her in an iron grip.

(No pun intended.)

Hey! I said that, though.

(So? What does that matter?)

Well, I was about to say it.

(You're an asshole, Narrator. I was helping you out so you wouldn't have to speak as much.)

I don't care. It was my line.

(Alright, look, asshole, you have a DYING PATIENT getting surgery from an amateur.)

An amateur? Hardly. I bet Twilight has done a bunch of research on surgery. You know what, fuck it. It's my story. Twilight has done a bunh of research on surgery.

(Whatever. Just get back to the story.)

You started it.

(STORY!)

Pinkie Pie used all her remaining strength to point to her throat.

Without looking up, Twilight responded with "She's thirsty, Applejack. Go get some water for her."

Still holding down one of Pinkie's legs, Applejack slipped off her backpack and slid her canteen out. She placed it on the table and opened it with one hand. She poured some into Pinkie's throat. It felt nice. Twilight pointed to Pinkie's lower leg.

"Some here, too. I need to acupuncture it.

Applejack poured water onto Pinkie's lower leg. Pinkie nearly choked on the water she was drinking. Her entire body burned. And Twilight hadn't even put the needle in yet.

Twilight Sparkle

DOCTOR! - Rose Tyler

"Steady, Applejack. Hold her down..."

"What'dya think Ah've been doin' this whole time?" asked Applejack, in a not-so-question form. She did what Twilight wanted anyway, holding her down with her utmost strength.

Twilight looped the thread from the spool onto the small hole at the end of the needle and held it between three fingers. "Now, Pinkie. Remain very. Very. Still. If you do, this won't hurt a bit. If you do, you might not live to see another day.

Pinkie gulped and nodded, a painful thing to do because she had broken/fractured/dislocated her cheekbone. She didn't know which, but it hurt in that area.

Twilight carefully inserted the needle in the skin flap and punctured it through the the other side. Then, she made a zig-zag pattern as she repeated this manuever over and over again until the skin was sealed shut.

Pinkie whimpered, ready for the needle to go in again. But it never did. It was over. She sighed with relief and tried to talk. She couldn't. Pinkie pointed to her cheek, and Twilight felt around in that area.

"Her maxilla is dislocated," she announced. "I might be able to fix that. It's a long shot, though." Twilight put her hand above Pinkie's cheek. "This might hurt a little." Using one finger, Twilight tried to get under the bone from skin level.

"I can't do it. . .I'm not strong enough. That's why, AJ, I'm asking you to do it." Twilight looked over at Applejack.

"Wha-me? Twi, you know Ah can't do this." Applejack shook her head.

"Yes you can. You see right here?" asked Twilight. "Pay close attention. I'm going to move my finger off of here. You move your's on."

Twilight moved her finger off of the maxilla, and Applejack moved her finger on. "Get a good feel of that," intructed Twilight.

Applejack nodded.

"Now feel your's," said Twilight.

"It feels. . .different, Pinkie's." Applejack shivered.

"Exactly. You need to get it into the position that your's is in. For this dislocation, you need to push up on the maxilla." Twilight pointed to Pinkie Pie's maxilla again so Applejack would know the spot. "Force up."

Applejack did as Twilight instructed, giving all her might into pushing the bone upwards.

Suddenly, the bone made a popping noise.

"Oh, Ah'm so sorry, Pinkie, so so so--"

"Thanks, Applejack!"

Getaway Part 1

Kingpin

Pinkie Pie

Camper

It had been two days since the Krystal-7 incident, and Pinkie was still recovering. She could barely walk and her leg was still severely swollen. She had been all the couch all week, and there was no way she could help make crystal, so Twilight had to do by herself. Which also meant Twilight could not take care of Pinkie either, so she left Spike to do that. And besides, the less Spike knew, the better.

Spike checked on Pinkie every thirty minutes. A few times, Spike tried to ask a few questions like, "what happened" or "how did you get that" but Pinkie mostly ignored them. After all, Twilight had told her not to tell anyone anything. Especially Spike.

Pinkie still maintained, though. By the next week, Pinkie was all healed up and was slightly able to walk.

Twilight Sparkle

Not a sugarhead

Twilight was really running low on supplies for making the crystal. That meant another trip to Sugarcube Corner, which Pinkie was in no condition to do.

She needed to do it alone. She packed up the rest of her supplies and put them in a box labeled Rash Sugru, the best acronym she could make up for 'sugar rush', and put on a balaclava. It was pretty late in the evening, around nine o' clock. Surely Sugarcube Corner was closed, and it was too dark to see outside anyway. She found a box of military-grade gadgets she and Applejack had recovered from the CEA. She smiled as she took out a pair of night-vision goggles. She switched off the lights and turned them on to make sure they worked. She was blinded for a second, but eventually her eyes adjusted. Twilight took them off and turned the lights back on. She was startled for a minute, because standing directly in front of her was Pinkie.

"Wha--how--when--" Twilight was speechless.

"Hey, Twilight!" Pinkie exclaimed excitedly. "Going to Sugarcube Corner?"

"Ssh!" hushed Twilight. "We don't want Spike to know. And yes, I am, but you're in no condition to make the trip." Twilight removed her balaclava. "How are you feeling, anyway?" She put the back of her hand on Pinkie's head. "No fever. . .that's good."

"Yep! Feeling a lot better now, thanks to Spike. How's the crystal coming along?" Pinkie grabbed a one-hole balaclava from the box and slipped it over her face.

"Good. We need more sugar though. We're still good on the coloring and flavoring, we have another quart or so. Are you really well enough to come?"

Pinkie nodded, followed by Twilight. She put her balaclava back on and left another note for Spike.

"How much do we need?" asked Pinkie over the radio. She was holding the bag of sugar in her hands with a measuring cup, ready to get as much as they needed.

"Let's try twenty-one cups. . .that's enough for seven batches. $35,000 for each of us." Twilight nodded. Reasonable price.

Pinkie measured out twenty-one cups, and realized that that much is roughly the size of the entire bag, so she just took the entire bag, and moved quickly and quietly over to Twilight's location, across the room.

"Great. Let's get out of here." Twilight was the first to jump out the window. Pinkie tossed the bag to Twilight outside, then jumped out herself.

Mrs. Cake

Cupcakes mmm...

"Cup Cakes, can you go make sure we have enough frosting for today?" asked Mr. Cake. Mrs. Cake nodded and walked to the back room.

Hmm, she thought to herself. Could have sworn we had more sugar. She shook the thought out of her head. She wasn't in here for that.

Pinkie Pie

A crystal cook in the making

Pinkie slipped on her safety goggles and lab coat. Twilight was now properly teaching her how to make candy.

"So first, we bring the water to a boil." Twilight put the water on her stove and let it boil.

Once it was steaming, Twilight took it off of the stove and laid it on a folding table she'd set up.

"Now, we need to saturate it." Twilight poured a couple of tablespoons of sugar into the water and stirred it around. She observed it again, shook her head, and added more. Finally, she decided it was enough and moved onto the next step. "Now, we add the food coloring and flavoring." Twilight dropped in some cherry flavoring. It looked like a rosy brown, and that's where the food coloring came in.

Twilight dropped in thick red food coloring. It mixed well with the flavoring and was quite easy to stir without any struggle.

Following that step, she poured the solution into a glass jar. Then, she placed a small wooden stick on top of the jar, suspending a string that didn't nearly touch the bottom.

Twilight smiled. "Now we wait."

Pinkie was obviously excited. "It's that easy? Wow! I can't believe we didn't come up with this long ago? Does this really work?" She had a lot of questions.

"Yes; I know; Great minds think alike; Yes, to answer all your questions." Twilight carefully picked up the glass jar and carried it up to where she and Pinkie slept and then, as carefully as she'd picked it up, placed it down on an end table. Twilight dashed back down the stairs to where Pinkie was standing. She was being serious again. "Don't knock it over."

Pinkie just laughed and responded with, "I won't!" and giggled.

It was quite late, so both of the girls went upstairs to go to bed.

Detective Chief Inspector Hoffman

CEA Headquarters

Detective Chief Inspector Hoffman held up a bag of what looked to be rock candy in its fullest form. "Ladies and gentlemen," announced Hoffman, "I think we have a new kingpin in town."

Standoff

Getaway Part 2

Twilight Sparkle

Professional drifter

The engine roared to life. Twilight could hear boots coming down stairs, so she stepped on the gas and drove off. These things didn't have much muscle on them.

"Spike!" Twilight yelled. "Under the seat, grab it!" She turned onto a road to try and throw off the CEA. These things didn't have much armour on them, but they sure were fast.

Spike had no clue what Twilight was talking about, but he reached under the seat until he felt a cold piece of metal. It was heavy, weighing ten kilograms. Until it was fully revealed from the cover of the seat, Spike could not see what it was. But when he finally did, he knew exactly what Twilight wanted him to do.

For it was an M249 Squad Automatic Weapon, which fired 5.56×45 mm NATO cartridges within ranges of three thousand meters. Spike smashed the back window open and deployed the bipod onto the trunk. He loaded the belt into the chamber and started firing. They made a 'ping' as they flew off the trunk and onto the road.

Twilight swerved, and the LMG almost flew onto the road.

Spike continued firing and hit a APC driver in the face. The APC swerved sideways and blocked the path for oncoming traffic.

That's when the real trouble came.

Pinkie Pie

Sharpshooter

The spotlight shined down on them as they drove on the highway and in between towns. Twilight tried her best to evade them but the chopper was too quick. It followed their every move.

They needed to do something.

Pinkie held out her hand to Twilight, motioning for her to give her the Beretta. Twilight understood and handed it to her, followed by a magazine with three remaining bullets.

Twilight smiled. "Make 'em count."

Pinkied nodded, and stuck her head out the window, the whole car shaking as Spike fired away from the back.

She carefully took a shot at the chopper.

Miss.

She repositioned her aim and fired again.

It hit the windshield and made a crack, but didn't hit the pilot.

One shot left.

She fired again, and hit the pilot right between the eyes.

The chopper dipped.

The co-pilot tried to take control of the aircraft, but it was too late. It hit the ground and exploded in a fiery ball of flames, sending shrapnel firing in every direction.

And not just shrapnel.

The car.

The Lamborghini flew over the edge of the highway and landed in an open field.

Everyone seemed to be okay, including Spike, who had been closest to the chopper when it hit.

They took out the supplies that survived the blast.

A radio, two empty bullet casings, and a shake weight.

Twilight grabbed hold of the radio.

"Here's hoping radios work over here." Twilight hit the on switch and held it down. "Fluttershy, report in." She waited.

No reply.

Louder this time.

"Fluttershy, report in!"

There was static and a voice came over the radio. "Yes, Twilight. What is it?"

"Fluttershy, we're being chased by the CEA. We need you to get Applejack, Rainbow Dash and that suitcase I gave you. Bring them over to our location."

"Where are you, Twilight?" Fluttershy sounded worried.

"Don't worry, Fluttershy. We're fine. Our coordinates are as follows:

11.316

142.25

Get to us ASAP."

-Season One-

Standoff

Fluttershy

From shy to star

Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash and Applejack all piled in to the F-150. The engine came to life and they drove off into the distance.

As soon as they were on the highway, Fluttershy stepped on the gas. The engine revved as they speeded up, heading toward the coordinates Twilight had given her. She was five klicks away, converging on the location fast.

Sure enough, she could see the CEA vehicles up the road, probably heading towards Twilight.

She needed to get to her first.

Fluttershy shifted. The car's tires almost sparked from the friction.

Too slow.

Still not fast enough.

Close, but not enough. The CEA would be all over her in seconds.

Fluttershy had no clue what was in that suitcase, but she knew it was important. She dodged a vehicle, dropping her speed by almost ten miles per hour.

She further stepped on the gas, leaving dust in her wake.

(That sentence kind of contradicts itself, doesn't it now?)

Shut up, Italicizer.

(Just trying to help.)

Well, it isn't.

Fluttershy drove onwards. Finally, she spotted debris on the road.

Sirens approached, but it wasn't the CEA.

It was a cop.

The officer stepped out of his vehicle and approached Fluttershy's window. He knocked, signalling for her to roll her window down.

"Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" asked the officer.

Rainbow Dash stepped in.

"No." She pulled a Glock 22 on him, leaving a six centimeter hole in his head.

Fluttershy stepped on the accelerator, leaving the body in the dirt.

Another two kilometers up the road, Fluttershy could see what looked to be the remains of a Eurocopter AS355 NP. But she could be wrong.

(DERRR NOOB IT'S A CHINOOK)

Are you being serious right now?

Finally, Fluttershy spotted her friends. They were in a field close to the highway. With a quick glance in her rearview mirror, she could see the CEA coverging.

Twenty seconds. Fluttershy grabbed the suitcase. Then, Applejack, Fluttershy, and Rainbow Dash all got out of the truck and vaulted over the traffic barrier out into the field.

Fifteen seconds. They were a few seconds away from the other three, running as fast as they could towards them.

Ten seconds. Fluttershy grabbed the suitcase and handed it to Twilight. Twilight undid the latches and opened the suitcase up.

Five seconds. They could now see that it was not a suitcase at all, being it's main purpose to hold a laptop. Twilight entered some sort of password and it showed a screen of their surroundings, with crosshairs in the middle. The screen was constantly moving around, maneuvering their location. Twilight focused the crosshairs on the highway and clicked the 'Enter' key.

No time left. Fluttershy looked up and saw a Lockheed AC-130 Spectre. It was in a UAV form, hence there being no pilot whatsoever.

She saw a missile coming at them. "What, Twili--"

Twilight Sparkle

Now a giant warlord

"Cover your ears." Twilight smiled, the rocket coming down over the afternoon sun. Suddenly the highway exploded into a ball of flame, the 105mm caliber throwing shrapnel in every single direction.

Twilight grinned. The highway was destroyed, with the CEA now having no way of getting to them.

She stepped forward and winced. The F-150 was out of the blast radius. They could still get back.

They made the journey back to the highway, got into the truck, went around into the other lane, and went home.

-Season Two-

Getaway Part 2

Getaway Part 1

Pinkie Pie

Prefers cupcakes better

Pinkie was the first to awake at the pounding that was coming from outside. She groggily got up and checked on the candy. It was fully grown into crystals, neatly alligned on the string. She shook Twilight awake.

"We've got company," announced Pinkie.

"I can see--er, hear that." Twilight pulled out a Beretta M92 from under her pillow. It was a very nice gun with a large ammo capacity: 15 rounds of .45 ACP ammo. She slid the safety off and cocked the slide back. Then, she took out the magazine to make sure it was fully loaded. It was.

Pinkie did the same, only this time with a Colt 9mm SMG. She unfolded the stock and loaded in a mag.

Together, the two walked down the stairs, guns ready to fire. They took position in front of the door, both crouched down in case anyone broke in. It wasn't knocking, that was for sure. It sounded like someone was trying to knock the door down.

Spike

He's a Purple Dinosaur

Spike awoke by the sound of pounding at the door. He shook his blankets off and walked to the foyer. There, crouched in front of the door, were Twilight and Pinkie. Spike saw they had guns and panicked. He hid behind Twilight, which gave her quite a scare, since she didn't even realize Spike was there in the first place.

"Spike! What are you doing?" asked Twilight.

"The better question is, what are you doing?" responded Spike.

Twilight sighed. In her best Richard Nixon impersonation, she said, "It sounds like someone's breaking in!"

Spike continued to hide behind Twilight.

Then, finally, there was a final 'bang' and the door fell down to the floor. In rushed several CEA agents. One raised his gun and spoke up.

"EVERYBODY DOWN ON THE GRO--" he didn't have time to finish his sentence before he was shot in the head. The sound of gunfire was deafening, and it continued for a good thirty seconds. The CEA kept coming though, and ammo was low. Twilight slipped in another mag and ran to her bookshelf.

"Twilight, now is not the time to read a book!" shouted Spike.

Twilight shook her head. "Not a book, Spike." She grabbed hold of a book called "The Catcher of the Rye" and pulled it back. The bookshelf slid away and revealed a staircase going underground. "Pinkie, come on!"

Pinkie went along with Twilight and Spike to the bottom of the stairs, where there was a Lamborghini Gallardo was sitting.