Speed Dating

by AdmiralSassMcAwesome

Rating: teen
Tags: Braeburn, Comedy, Big Macintosh, Random, Pinkie Pie, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Romance
Length: 4478

As unbelievable as it may seem, Braeburn is still single! And naturally, he'd like not to be. So while he's in Ponyville, Big Mac agrees to try out speed dating with him. **Crack Ships Within**

Braeburn is tired of being a single hunky stallion. On a visit to see his cousins at Sweet Apple Acres, Braeburn convinces Big Mac to accompany him to an evening of Speed Dating! (Surely the fastest way to catch a mare!)

This is me having a bit of fun and pairing up some unlikely characters. If you don't like Crack Ships like I do, then it's best to turn back now. As this story contains ships I have confirmed are totally original, I have listed some portmanteaus at the bottom to christen them!

**Featuring** Fancy Pants, Flam, Prince Blueblood, Cheerilee, Zecora, Spitfire, Trixie (The great and powerful) and Cherry Jubilee.

Let the speed dating begin!

Published 2013-12-31 05:10:06 UTC
Last updated 2013-12-31 05:10:06 UTC

Thrill Of The Chase

“I cain’t believe ah let ya talk me inta this…”

Big Macintosh and Braeburn were two of the most eligible bachelors around. Both of them were charming, well groomed, had good manners and perfect grammar! What was wrong with the mares around these parts?
Braeburn had figured that it all came down to giving the fillies a bit of encouragement. Maybe they were too shy to approach two such dashing stallion specimens.

Braeburn glanced around the room. Sugarcube Corner had stayed open late especially for this dating bonanza and had been decorated appropriately too. Around the room were stationed five tables with two seats at each. On the middle of each table sat a cheap vase with a very fake, single red rose resting lazily on its side accompanied by a small tea light candle.
But even in the dim light, Braeburn could see a fine, albeit somewhat odd, mixture of mares had ventured out to try their luck at potting a special somepony.

“Quit yer whinin’ Mac and take a look at these gals! Why, if you an’ ah don’t walk outta here with a purdy fillyfriend at the end of the evenin’ I’ll eat mah hat.”

Mac followed his cousin’s gaze as it came to rest on a pegasus filly with not dissimilar colouring to the Appaloosan himself. Without her costume it took Mac a moment to recognize the Wonderbolt captain that Rainbow Dash shamelessly idolized.

“That’s Spitfire, she’s captain o’ the Wonderbolts!” Big Mac chided.

Braeburn shot him a look that spelled out danger. “You sayin’ ah ain’t good enough fer her?”

Big Mac was about to reply when he was interrupted by a burst of laughter behind him.

“Big Mac?” The laughing pony managed to say between pants for air.

Big Macintosh blushed as he saw Rainbow Dash standing behind him. Great, now AJ’s gonna find out ah went speed datin’ and ah’ll never hear the end of it…

“Oh this is priceless! I never thought I’d see you here tonight!”

“Speak ferr ya’self.” He snorted in response.

After a moment more of laughter and wiping her eyes, Rainbow straightened up. “Oh no! I’m not here for the romance, I only came because I owe Pinkie Pie a favor and she wanted some company as she hosted while all you ponies mingle.” Rainbow suddenly eyed the red stallion up and down as though she’d never seen him before. “Ya know, Mac, you’re not that bad looking. If only you opened your mouth every once in a while you’d be a pretty sweet catch.”

Big Mac felt the blush from his prior embarrassment grow as he suddenly felt rather flustered and confused. His mouth moved as if to speak but no words came.

Rainbow laughed again and made her way past him making sure to brush lightly against his side and flick his muzzle with the end of her tail. To his further embarrassment he noted a smug smile on his cousins face which he was about to accompany with a remark, but before he could speak he was cut short by the squeal of a microphone too close to the speaker system.

“HELLO EVERYPONY!” Pinkie Pie screeched excitedly, deafening the room.

“Pinkie Pie, you have a microphone, you don’t have to shout.” Cheerilee reminded her helpfully.

“Oh, so I do!” Pinkie beamed. “Okay ponies! I hope you’re all single and ready to mingle because if you’re in a relationship! Well, that’s not very nice of you to be cheating on your special somepony… Love is forever. Forever!” Pinkie glared around the room for a moment before clearing her throat and donning a smile again. “Anyhoo. Tonight, each of you will be going on three… Wait… Five dates! You get five minutes with each pony and your time starts… NOW!”

After Pinkie screeched, the ponies scrambled hysterically to their seats feeling the pressure of the timer beating down on them.

“See Dashie, I told you this evening would be speedy!” Pinkie grinned proudly as she watched Braeburn shove Fancy Pants out of the seat opposite Spitfire.

Rainbow slurped loudly on a mug of cider before responding. “Yeah, I gotta say Pinkie, when you mentioned the word speed I was thinking of races and all that. Not that I wasn’t going to pay you back for that incident with the piñata at Pipsqueaks birthday but… Well, it was kinda false advertising.”

*********************************************

“So, what brings a fancy flier like you tah a little town like Ponyville, Miss Spitire?” Braeburn knew he only had five minutes and he was gonna make ‘em count! His charm was turned on one hundred percent, right down to lowered eyelids and flashy grins.

“Oh, you recognized me, huh?” Responded the ever calm Spitfire. “Well, to be honest I was hoping I wouldn’t capture too much attention in a small town so that maybe I could meet a pony who was interested in more than my money.”

Braeburn swallowed hard. Bad start. Never mind. He could still bring this around, he still had… Three minutes?! “Ahh… Well actually… Um.”

Spitfire gave him a smug look as she pressed her hoof against his lips, leaning seductively across the table to whisper low.

“It’s alright cowboy.” Her voice sent a shiver down his spine, the candlelight reflecting in her amber eyes. Braeburn could hear his heart thumping in his chest.

He loved speed dating!

“You never had a chance anyway.”

As she slid back into her seat and leaned back taking a leisurely sip of her water Braeburn felt himself go cold.

He hated speed dating…

“Sorry, nothing personal. I’m just not into stallions.”

***********************************************

The next date was sure to be better! There had to be mares here that actually liked stallions, right?

As Braeburn made his way to the next table he noticed a fine looking unicorn mare with a pale blue mane. She was wearing a purple cape with stars on which struck Braeburn as odd, but he was willing to give her a chance.

“Howdy! I’m Braeburn, what’s yerr name, Miss?”

He had used his smile and everything, but the mare didn’t look impressed. Her hooves were folded loosely over her chest and he was pretty sure she just rolled her eyes.

“If you were trying to impress the great and powerful Trixie, then she can assure you it did not work.”

Braeburn felt his heart sink. Was every mare tonight going to be like this?

“Well, ah’m mighty sorry ‘bout that Miss Trixie, ma’am. Ah sure do like makin’ good first impressions…”

“What a shame you did such a terrible job then.” She snorted as she turned her nose upwards.

Braeburn couldn’t help but let his brow raise itself. He cleared his throat. “Ma’am, if ya don’t mind mah askin’, why is it exactly y’all have come here if'n'ya ain’t got no intentions a’bein’ amiable like?”

The great and powerful Trixie lowered her nose for a moment to look at him as she pondered her answer. After a moment she grimaced.

“The great and powerful Trixie does not like being alone. “

Braeburn smiled. “Well now! T’ain’t nothin’ tah be ashamed of. Why, ah’m here ferr the very same reason.”

Trixie felt the corner of her mouth curl upwards as this stallions honesty warmed… Yes… Warmed her heart.

“Maybe if you and ah spent a little bit’a time together, we’d find we had more in common than we thought.”

Trixie’s heart had not been warmed THAT much. As Braeburn leaned forward her magical instincts caused her to cast a quick lightning bolt spell that zapped Braeburn back to reality.

“OUCH!!!” He yelled as he was electrified out of his seat.

From his position on the floor where he nursed his now singed hat and vest ensemble he heard Trixie dusting her hooves lightly.

“Serves you right. The great and powerful Trixie does not fraternize with common earth ponies.”

*********************************

Big Mac hadn’t been having a great evening either. His first date for the night had been Cheerilee who had outright friend zoned him a few months earlier and since that awkward incident with the love potion the two of them had found each other’s company rather disconcerting…

Once he was able to leave Cheerilee he found his next date sitting back in her chair in what could only be described as a seductive manner. Her figure was a lot fuller than any he’d seen before, but certainly not in a way that made her unattractive. She was a pale earth pony with bright green eyes and masses of aubergine curls piled atop her full face.

Mac gulped as she caught his eyes, a sultry smile spreading over her voluptuous lips as she watched him take his seat.

“Howdy mister.” She drawled in a husky voice. “The names Cherry Jubilee, but y’all can just call me Cherry.” She added a wink as she leaned forward onto the table with her forehoof that was now supporting her head. “My, my. I did not expect to be meetin’ a pony as strong and as handsome as you tonight!”

“Uhhhhh.” Where was that ding ding of the timer when you needed it most. “Thank yeh kindly ma’am.”

“That last fella was piss weak, he looked as though he hadn’t lifted anythin’ heavier than a pencil in his life!” She turned her head slightly and indicated a frightened looking Flam who was taking a seat across from Zecora and was obviously trying to stay as far away as possible from the table Mac now found himself at.

Cherry laughed heartily and leaned back again. “So, what’ll it take to get a stallion like you to take me home with ya once this is all ovah?” She gave him a heavy wink and a wriggle of her brows.

Mac felt himself start to sweat. He hated Braeburn SO much right now.

“Um, Miss Cherry, while ah am most… Uh… Flattered, by yerr offer. Ah’m afraid ah must…” He paused to gulp as this mare seemed to be sizing him up, “Decline…”

Cherry grinned. “I see what’s goin’ on here, honey pie. Ya wanna play hard tah get, huh?” She bit her lips after licking them over. “No worries, darlin’. Ah can play any game ya want me too.”

To Macs utter horror she then proceeded to launch herself across the table and push her lips fiercely over his. His eyes shot wide as he struggled against her grip but this mare was tougher than he’d imagined a mare could be. He tried to call for help but his cries were muffled by the slimy warmth of her tongue which had just invaded his mouth and was beginning a campaign of violating every inch therein.

Her breath was hot against his face and seemed to make more sweat pour from his forehead and neck. Finally, after a lengthy struggle, he managed to dis-attach the pony turned vacuum cleaner from his face. As he gulped for air, Cherry leisurely pulled a small paper card from her hair and passed it to him.

“It’s been a pleasure makin’ you’re acquaintance. Call me sometime and we can do this again…”

As she finished speaking the ding ding finally came, only five minutes too late in Mac’s opinion. With a look of disdain he grabbed the card off the mare and walked away.

******************************

Cheerilee couldn’t believe her bad luck in ending up opposite Big Mac on her first date. From there, things didn’t improve too much. The next stallion she met was a fancy Canterlot unicorn with a blue mane who it turned out was exactly the kind of stallion Pinkie Pie had reprimanded earlier. Her next date, while actually having been single, was none other than Flam, one of the rotten scoundrels who had tried to dupe Ponyville with that awful cider scam. Then Cheerilee met Braeburn, who was pleasant enough, but she never really went in for that country style.

Now this was it, the last date for the evening before Cheerilee would walk away almost certainly empty hoofed.

The final stallion approached the table with confidence.

“Good evening.” The new stallion said politely as he took his seat with poise and grace.

Cheerilee was glad she hadn’t taken a sip of her water as she was sure she may have spat it out. “P-P-Prince Blueblood?” Her jaw was slack as she took in the sight of the unbelievably good-looking stallion seated across from her. Cheerilee had only ever seen his face on the cover of her girly magazines she read secretly during lunchtime.

“I understand your surprise at my being here. I must first make it clear that I am not here by choice. You see…” He blushed at the thought of explaining himself to this simple earth pony, but it had to be done, he would not have her think he was here because it was what he wanted. “My dear Aunties are insisting that I improve my manners, although…” He gave a distasteful look in the direction of Cherry Jubilee, “It would seem the ponies here have more need than I to be taught some etiquette.”

Cheerilee felt slightly downhearted at the prospect of the Prince not actually being up for grabs, but regardless, she had met royalty this evening! “Oh well, nevermind, it’s still a pleasure! My name’s Cheerilee.”

Prince Blueblood smiled politely back at her. She was by far the sanest mare he’d met tonight. “The pleasure is all mine.” He coughed lightly to clear his throat.

Cheerilee looked slightly concerned at his dry cough. “That doesn’t sound very good, here, let me pour you a drink.”

The Prince was in shock as the earth pony set about pouring him a glass of water. “You may be the first mare I’ve met who hasn’t insisted upon me doing everything for her…”

Cheerilee laughed as she pushed the glass towards him. “Yes well, I tend not be old fashioned that way. It’s probably because of my being teacher, but I really feel that both fillies and colts should be equally empowered and therefore not all responsibilities should fall on the shoulders of stallions.”

The Prince nearly spat out his water. “Y-you mean, you work and you don’t mind it?”

“Of course not. Without my work I’d be positively lost.”

Blueblood sighed. “In Canterlot the only mare’s who work are my aunty Celestia and Luna. Oh, and those show ponies the Wonderbolts, but they don’t have an ounce of sophistication. No, mares in Canterlot only like parties and spending bits.” He sipped resignedly upon his glass as he finished.

“How drab!” Cheerilee exclaimed. “Most mare’s in Ponyville work their hooves off. That must be why we’re one of the happiest towns in Equestria.”

The Prince nodded absent mindedly as he regarded this earth pony anew. Her eyes seemed to clash terribly with her coat, green and magenta were certainly not two colors he would put together… But all the same, she was a pretty and well groomed mare, and more importantly she was level headed and didn’t believe in fairytales like almost every other mare he’d ever met.

“Miss Cheerilee?”

“Yes, your highness?”

“I have tickets to an opera which began some twenty minutes ago. Perhaps if we leave now we might make it in time for the second act. Shall we?” He nodded his head towards the exit.

Cheerilee took a moment to register what was happening. As she blinked rapidly at the grinning Prince before her she realised that she was not indeed dreaming as she imagined she might have been. “Oh, that sounds wonderful…” She couldn’t help but blush a little as he nodded and helped her to her hooves before leading her out of Sugarcube Corner.

**********************************

“Are they allowed to do that?” Rainbow Dash asked as she saw Blueblood leading Cheerilee away.

Pinkie sighed blissfully. “Of course they are, silly. Aw, isn’t it great, Dashie? Love is in the air!”

Rainbow rolled her eyes. “Are you kidding me, Pinkie? That guy is such an ass… Besides, there’s about to be more than the scent of love in the air if we don’t do something about that Cherry Jubilee chick. Can we disqualify her or something?”

Both Pinkie and Rainbow had confused and mildly repulsed faces as they watched Cherry Jubilee relentlessly stroking a blissfully carefree Fancy Pants.

“Uh… They’ll stop soon.” Pinkie said with less than conviction than she had hoped she’d have.

“Miss Jubilee! I do hope you’re… Up for something… Like this… More often?” Fancy Pants panted in ecstasy. All evening he’d been looking for a mare like this. He was so tired of those prissy Canterlot mares with their fine etiquette. He needed a change. Particularly from his wife. Oh.

Cherry leaned in close to his perked up ears, “Oh, Mister Fancy, I thought you’d never ask!”

Fancy Pants sighed loudly, “there is the one little detail that we must keep this all strictly… Confidential. My wife must never…”

“Say no more…” She breathed as she placed her hood gently upon his lips before ravishing them with her own.

Fancy Pants was in heaven. He leaned back and allowed her to finish her prior work before he continued their conversation. “I’m renting a little place in town. Why don’t you join me for drinks there after this and maybe we can… Talk, a little more?”

******************************

Final date for the night. Flam was sweating. He couldn’t stand being shown up by his brother any more. Flim was always making a hit with the fillies, and he didn’t even have a moustache!

The final mare that Flam would get a chance with was a pony he didn’t remember being in that angry mob that ran him and his brother out of town, so that was a plus!

“Good evening, miss, the name’s Flam.” He cordially extended a hoof as he took his seat. The mare disdainfully regarded him before taking it and giving it a firm shake.

“And I am the Great and Powerful Trixie.” She announced haughtily.

Flam noted her cape. “Ah, a magician! How interesting. You must make pretty good business in that line? I take it you travel about?” Ahh, business. Flam felt suddenly at ease.

“Well, to be honest the dental plan is shocking but, the pay is nothing to scoff at.” She grinned toothily.

Flam pulled at his moustache thoughtfully. “Hmm, you know, I’m into business ventures myself and I think I might know a few ways you could improve what I assume is already a fantastic show and make it truly marvelous!” He beamed as he rubbed his hooves together, business ventures always igniting a flame within him, but somehow, this mare made the flame burn all the more brightly. Something in her arrogance told him that she was hard work, and for a stallion of persuasion like himself, there was nothing he liked more than a challenge.

Trixie’s eyes narrowed on the red head with a wry grin. “You have Trixie’s attention. Do continue.”

***************************************

Spitfire had had to sit through four dates with stallions who had all tried their best to hit on the athletic Wonderbolt captain before she gave them the kindly hint that they were barking up the wrong tree. If her last date wasn’t a mare then so help whoever had set up this ridiculous speed dating!
“How very strange, it would appear, as though I now am sitting here.”

Spitfire felt a smile spread across her face as the unphased Zecora took the seat opposite her. Spitfire had never met a real zebra before, but that didn’t mean she hadn’t thought they had a certain charm about them.

“Well, well. It looks as though my luck just changed.” Spitfire leaned into the table to gaze intently upon this fascinating mare who gave her a wry smile.

“You’re taste, I see is more refined than those who favor the stallion kind.” To Spitfire’s internal delight, the zebra ended that sentence with a wink.

“Do you always talk in rhyme, or just when you particularly like your company, Miss…?”

The zebra giggled a little. “Zecora, no ‘Miss’ necessary please. I can stop rhyming if thou decrees…”

“Oh no, don’t stop for my sake. I’m only impressed you can do it for so long, Zecora.” She paused as she used the Zebra’s name for the first time. Zecora. She rather liked it. “I’m Spitfire, by the way.” She gazed intently at Zecora who only smiled back. “Can you keep that internal flow of poerty going, all the time?” She questioned.

Zecora lowered her eyelids and rested her forehoof on Spitfire’s. “Would you like to find out?”

**************************

“Well this is plain awkward…”

Somehow Braeburn and Big Mac had ended up opposite each other for the last date of the evening.

“Met anypony nice, cuz?”

Braeburn rubbed his hoof at the back of his head awkwardly. “Uh well… Actually…”

“Now, what was it y’all said about eatin’ yerr hat?” Big Mac teased.

Braeburn blushed heavily and looked over the other tables. Everypony seemed to be ending the night on a high note. Everypony except he and Mac…

“Ah’m sorry, Mac. Ah honestly thought we’d do alright this evenin’.”

“That’s alright, Brae. Ah forgive ya.”

DING DING

“Alright everypony! Show’s over, if you liked somepony else now’s the time to tell ‘em because I am not hangin’ around this dive any longer than I have to!” Rainbow shouted into the microphone. Pinkie ‘tsked’ behind her with a sad shake of her head.

Braeburn and Mac watched as Fancy Pants and Cherry Jubilee rushed out of the store followed closely by Spitfire and Zecora who almost never took their eyes off each other as they walked. Last but not least, Flam and Trixie sauntered off arm in arm, but not before Trixie had a chance to mumble something about how glad she was to get out of this dump.

“Aww! No luck tonight hey, fella’s?” Pinkie came up behind them and gave them both a pat on the back. “Ah well, you know what they say. You can’t rush love.”

Both stallions shot her an astonished look. “Miss Pinkie, ah hate to be a party pooper, but didn’t y’all just host a ‘Speed’ datin’ night?” Braeburn pointed out.

Pinkie scrunched up her face before shrugging. “You know what they say, love is a mystery, for some its slow, for some it’s fast.”

“Who says that?”

Pinkie groaned. “Can’t you just let me wrap up the story?!”

“The story? Pinkie, how many ciders did ya have tonight?” Big Mac asked.

“Oh I give up….” Pinkie announced before heading out to the kitchen.

“Welp, ah guess it’s time tah go h…”

“HELP! OH SOMEPONY HELP! PLEASE!!!”

Everypony stared as Rarity burst through the doors of Sugarcube Corner in hysterics.

“Miss Rarity?” Big Mac questioned as he walked towards her.

“SOMEPONY JUST STOLE MY PURSE IN THE STREET!” She screamed before fainting.

“What an outrage!” Braeburn yelled out before galloping out of the store and into the street.

***************************

When Rarity came to she saw two faces above her own, one was that of a red stallion and the other was a blue mare.

“Where am I?” She managed after a moment.

“You’re in Sugarcube Corner, you’re okay.” Rainbow reassured.

Suddenly Rarity sprung up for her lying down position. “My purse?! Oh no! What will I do? I had all my earnings from the store today in it! I was taking them to the bank when suddenly…” she clenched her face in her hooves dramatically and Rainbow groaned. “Oh, whatever will I….”

“Got it!” Braeburn called proudly as he reentered the store holding up a red velvet purse.

Rarity screeched in delight before launching herself towards the stallion and snatching him into a grateful hug. Braeburn was taken aback for a moment before gently returning the hug.

“My hero!” Rarity exclaimed holding her purse to her chest and quickly examining that the contents remained. “Oh, however can I repay you?” She gushed as she flitted her eyelashes at the overwhelmed Braeburn.

He remembered meeting Rarity that one time AJ had bought her friends to visit in Appaloosa. He’d never meet any mare as pretty as her. Now with her dazzling eyes shimmering before him, he couldn’t quite fight away a small blush which spread over his cheeks.

“Well, Miss. Ah hardly think ya oughta repay a fella ferr doin’ his civic duty to the fine ladies o’ the town. But, perhaps ya wouldn’t mind me buyin’ ya a drink?” He grinned nervously.

Rarity swooned a little at his speech. “Such a gentleman! How could I possibly say no?”

Big Mac stood a little in shock as he watched his cousin escort the prettiest mare in town down the front steps of Sugarcube Corner. Well, he had to be happy for him, he may not have met a mare through the speed dating process but now the night hadn’t been a total waste.

“Mac, you still here?”

He turned to see Rainbow emerge from the kitchen with a bowl of chips.

“Eeeyup.”

“Hmm. I hate to say it, but I’m kinda glad.” Rainbow said with a smile.

Big Mac looked at her in confusion.

“Well sure, if some other mare had swept you off your feet, who’d there to be get me a refill of cider?” She laughed as he rolled his eyes, but deep down she truly was grateful her secret crush hadn’t been stolen away. Her blood had been boiling when that Cherry Jubilee had gotten her mitts all over him.

But hey! If everypony else was giving this whole love thing a try, maybe she ought to swallow her pride and pucker up too.

She blushed a little as she walked up to the still slightly annoyed stallion. “Maybe you could fill up more than just my cider, if you know what I mean…”

Mac’s eyes grew wide and his ears stood to attention as he looked at the tough mare who had suddenly taken to batting her eyelids. Rainbow started to feel like the pause between her suggestion and his response was getting awfully uncomfortable when to her surprise he leaned towards her and nuzzled her neck a little before saying a soft;

“Eeeyup…”

Author's Note

Thanks for reading!

Here's my names for my new couples:

SpitCora (This is so hot, I am proud as punch to be it's mother)
CheeriBlood (It's kind of like The King and I...)
CherryPants (Anything with Cherry Jubilee is sexy)
Frixie (Villians are always sure to get along! Wait... Trixie is good now, right?)

Update: Hi, I'm kinda sorta planning a part two for this. If you have any crack ships or just characters you'd like to see me ship, pm me with your suggestions!
Happy shipping ;o)