My Day at Work
I have the best job in the world 'ever'. Don't listen to those other ponies who will tell you that bucking trees or taking care of animals is the greatest form of employment. Oh don't get me wrong they are nice and all, but where else can you work with family, have fun all day and make ponies lives better?
Well I can only think of one and that's where I get to go to work every day with my Daddy. Now most ponies misunderstand my father and I would be the first to admit he's not like other pony folk. Sure he's caused some trouble in his time, but since he's met a good filly he's been flying in vaguely the right direction for years now.
What? No she's not my mum, they are just really good friends. I knew her before Dad did and she's a famous filly who helped my Dad do something more productive with his life and as a result I get to work with him every single day!
You still don't know who I'm talking about? Well that's very silly of you, my Dad is famous too and even ruled Equestria once! Still not with me? Awww now I know you're just pulling my leg, of course you know my Daddy.
Oh alright I'll tell you since you seem to be so slow on the uptake, but I warn you don't laugh or doubt; I am being totally serious . You see my Daddy is Discord. Hey I told you not to laugh!
Well any hoof, I was telling you about my average day at work.......
"My dear I'm going to have to head out early, so I'll see you at work later alright?" The normally bubbly and cheery voice of Screwball's 'father' sounded genuinely distraught over not being able to spend more time with his favourite filly.
"I know Dad, it's okay. Want me to pack something to eat?" Screwball asked, eyes sparkling with enthusiasm.
Discord’s own eyes shone with joy, "Aww princess that's so thoughtful of you, but I think I’ll be fine."
"If you say so Daddy, but don't be late we have a lot on today," Screwball cautioned.
"Of course my dear," Discord replied with a small bow, "Expect me when the fireworks start huh?" The pale purple filly giggled as she heard the distant sound of explosions. Discord bent his serpentine body down so he could rub Screwball under her chin, “Now be good while I’m gone alright?”
"Of course Daddy," Screwball exclaimed before leaping forward to hug the mismatched creature of chaos who beamed down at the little pony with affection.
Discord found his arms and wings pinned to his sides as Screwball continued to squeeze him tightly, "Sorry my dear but I really must go." Discord stared down into the slowly spinning eyes of Screwball and felt his heart melt. Her dark purple mane and tail were hap-hazard as usual and the white stripe running through them mixed freely with the darker strands resulting in a tangled mess.
"Okay Daddy, but don't be too long okay? Screwball refused to let go of Discord's waist. With a sigh Discord disappeared with a bright flash before reappearing free and standing standing by the door.
"Sorry my dear, but I am needed elsewhere and I can't let my loving public down," With this Discord curtsied to Screwball before sweeping out of the front door and slamming it behind himself.
Screwball's sat there for a moment, her eyes tearing up before a resounding knock echoed from behind her. She spun around, rushed to the back wall and pressed her ear against the cheese and dynamite patterned wallpaper.
"Who's there?" She asked eagerly, her little propeller hat spinning while the rotor blades on top remained perfectly still.
"Your Boss now open the wall before I'm late," The muffled response came from behind the concealed brickwork.
Screwball gingerly tapped the wall in several places, following a pattern possibly known only to her before the whole room quickly morphed around Screwball. It flowed and distorted like a picture seen through a heat haze before finally settling. In place of the quaint little breakfast room was now found a vast office, full of desks and chairs all of different colours along with radically different styles.
Screwball didn't bat an eye as the available space also seemed to have quadrupled in size, or that the walls were now be lined with giant playing cards. She stepped forward smartly to open the now present door and allowed Discord enter. He now wore a black top hat, carried a cane topped with a brass turnip, sported a expertly curled moustache and finished the outfit with a fetching monocle over his right eye.
"Greetings ‘Miss Screw’, I see you are punctual as ever," Discord handed a dark suit jacket from thin air to Screwball. Where once her mane was a tangled mess, now it was smoothed back and respectable. Screwball stood ready to assist, wearing a neat suit of her own along with a tiny pair of respectable spectacles.
Screwball trotted over to the nearby hat stand and tied the jacket around it's middle before turning smartly about and saluting her 'employer', "Of course sir, I would never be late to work sir." Discord smiled and Screwball’s lopsided grin never wavered for a moment.
"Very good Miss Screw, if you would be so good as to get the fire going and unlock the front window we shall be ready for business," Discord removed his top hat and flung it into the distance where it exploded in a pink cloud before marching smartly across the room tapping his cane on the tables as he passed.
Bright flashes followed in his wake as one after another the chairs (while in one case a giant marshmallow) were filled with ponies of various colours and breeds. Each and every one of them held a slightly glassy look in their eyes and a few sported tiny distant smiles.
"Very good, let us see what's on the appointment list for today shall we?" Discord turned to address the collected ponies along with a griffon who were all in various states of lucidity. He snapped his fingers dramatically and a small checklist appeared in Screwball's eager hooves.
"Case number one, severe case of paranoia as such believes that every pony is out to get him," Discord indicated a dark blue earth stallion with a white mane who looked about the room with frightened yellow eyes, "And what is your name good sir?" Discord asked in a gentle tone.
"Tinker Track sir," Tinker replied as he stared at Discord in utter disbelief.
Discord furrowed his brow, "Hmmm that doesn't sound quite right, Miss Screw please double check the list." He taped his goat hoof as Miss Screw ran her hoof down the collection of names.
"Sorry Da....Sir, there seems to be no listings for a ‘Tinker Track’ here?" Screwball sounded just as bemused as Discord did.
"Indeed", Discord studied the stallion through his eyeglass before slapping his forehead with a lion's paw, "Of course we're not due to meet for another few years. Terribly sorry about that Mr Track, please go back to whatever it was you were doing."
Tinker’s eyes bulged before with another flash he vanished to be replaced with a second blue pony, a unicorn mare by the looks of her. "Now that's better, so how are we doing today my dear?" The pale grey mane and tail of this new comer were also off white. Screwball giggled as the newcomer watched Discord hungrily.
"Well?" Discord asked again as the mare focused on the new place she found herself in before finally barking a reply, literally.
"I see and they said what about that?" Discord replied in comforting tone before the pony before him barked a few more times, "You don't say, well that is just plain rude. I think your singing voice is simply wonderful."
Screwball giggled again as the blue pony panted, her tongue hanging out before Discord continued this very strange conversation, "Well I know my dear, but it will take them sometime to come to terms with it. You just sit tight for now and I'll be along to talk with them all about it. In the meantime take this 'one' biscuit 'twice' a day and you will feel better in no time."
Discord handed the demented pony a small doggy treat before patting her gently on the head. The disturbed pony eagerly licked Discord's claw before vanishing in a puff of yellow smoke.
"I see Screw Loose is still hanging in there sir," Screwball commented in a supportive way.
"Why yes she is," Discord agreed, "She promised to cut down on showing her true self in public and the Doctors at Ponyville assure me she is making great progress. I would say another four to six months and she could be out and about, no trouble."
Screwball nodded happily, safe in the knowledge that they were doing good as Discord moved up to the next desk.
"Ah case thirty eight, bit trickier this one, the patient still insists that she it completely sane. Until she admits there is a problem we're not going to get very far with this one."
This was pony was yet another blue mare who glared at Discord, her gaze holding none of the affection Screw Loose had held for him,"The great and powerful Trixie told you the last time that she is totally fine and you should stop bringing Trixie here."
Both Screwball and Discord fought to cover their chortling. Trixie's visits were almost a daily occurrence now and it had become a source of debate for the pair if she could ever be cured.
Discord mastered himself before addressing the angered pony in a professional manner, "Very well Trixie, all you have to do is answer one simple question and I will let you go. It’s a simple test and should you pass I will have no need to bring you back," Discord spared Screwball a quick wink as Trixie eyed them both suspiciously.
"Very well The great and powerful Trixie will hear your riddle and solve it quickly!" Trixie announced, causing several of the other 'clients' to start at her harsh voice.
"I never said anything about a riddle my dear, I just wanted to know how Twilight was doing these days?" At the simple mention of that pony's name Trixie's eyes filled with rage and her horn glowed.
"That mare is nothing compared to me, I'll show her......" Discord snapped his fingers and Trixie was instantly muted. She continued to shake her hooves at the sky and thump the desk before her. Both Discord and Screwball studied Trixie as she mutely ranted to the heavens, eyes bulging and horn letting off tiny flashes of power.
"So Miss Screw, what is your professional opinion on our dear Trixie here? Should we continue treatment or is it as I suspect, a lost cause?" Discord asked Screwball while rubbing his chin.
Screwball didn't even pause to think, "Oh please Da....ehm I mean Dr, she's so much fun and I'm sure she will mellow out eventually. In fact I truly believe Princess Sparkle and her can be fast friends eventually," The certainty in Screwball's tone made Discord raise a suspicious eyebrow in return.
"Indeed, by chance you haven't been spending some time with Miss Pinkie Pie have you? She does have a habit of letting 'spoilers' like that out once in while," Discord continued to study his 'daughter' carefully.
"No 'Dr. D', it was you who just confirmed my suspicions just then," Screwball commented happily and Discord rose his eagle's claw to his head theatrically.
"Oh you're too clever for me Miss Screw, I see I’ll have to be more careful while around you," Discord winked playfully to Screwball who beamed happily. He glanced back to Trixie who was still raging at the world in total silence and oblivious to everyone else, "Well in that case we will keep Miss Trixie in the long term file for a while longer." Screwball nodded with a serious expression on her face as Discord snapped his fingers and the irate Trixie vanished from the chair which finally remained empty.
"Now who do we have next, ah just the pony I wanted to see!" Discord smiled happily. Before him was Princess Twilight Sparkle, sitting with her fore hooves crossed and a furious expression in her eyes.
"Discord I thought we had been through this. You were only to contact me in an emergency," The purple alicorn addressed Discord with a level tone before her muzzle broke into a grin upon seeing Screwball, "And hi Screwball. I hope Discord is treating you well?"
Screwball nodded happily even as she checked down the clipboard. "Um Dr there is no listing for Miss Sparkle either, what do you want me to do?" Discord cast a distracted glance at Screwball before replying.
"It's fine Miss Screw, I need to talk with Miss Sparkle for a little while. Could you go disorder my pencils and make sure my picture of Fluttershy is properly angled?" Discord's eyes travelled to meet with Twilight's whose anger had cooled somewhat.
Screwball bounced happily, saluted and quickly galloped off on her appointed task. Discord watched her go with an uncertain look, "She really is something special don't you think Princess?"
Twilight shared in his feelings, "I know Discord, I have never met a pony like her." Twilight paused, "Has she made any progress?" She asked in a quiet voice.
Discord didn't reply right away, watching the little filly that held him in such high regard, "You know that's the strangest thing about this. I look in her mind and it's as calm as Celestia's best mornings, but she is evidently so far gone that even I have trouble understanding her at all sometimes. Screwball’s cutie mark is madness."
Twilight cocked her eyebrow at this, "Oh Discord you and I both know that a sick pony's cutie mark can alter in a state of mental upset. It's a reflection of who they are inside not the other way around."
Discord Shrugged at a total loss, "I know but that's the thing, I honestly believe that it's her very own cutie mark and not a symptom."
Twilight gave discord another incredulous stare, "Are you seriously telling me that that little filly's destiny is to be as mad as a hatter? I don't believe it."
Discord held up his miss matched hands in defeat, "Well princess I have tried every method I know of to try and find the true pony inside, even the plush hippo which she now sleeps with as a toy!"
Twilight stared at Discord with wide confused eyes, "The what?"
Discord's rolling eyes suddenly balanced, a sure sign that he was imparting something important. "She has a toy hippo, I have found it's been an amazing help with getting the 'clients' to talk to someone they can trust."
Twilight paused for a moment, digesting this new information, "You made them a toy to personify and communicate with? Discord I know your methods are unusual, but that just doesn't sound healthy.
Discord gave Twilight a incredulous look, "Smarty Pants?" was all he needed to say and Twilight's cheeks began to burn red with embarrassment.
"That was different Discord, I talked to the toy, not with it," Twilight mumbled quietly.
Discord shook his head. "Keep telling yourself that dear, I believe you," his tone indicating a very different story. The bizarre beast looked once more to where Screwball was carrying out her instructions to the letter by Discord's desk, "Anyway I didn't create the hippo, she did and I'm glad she did. That little toy has been instrumental in solving some of my hardest cases."
Twilight's embarrassed expression changed to a smile again, "I think you just have a soft spot for her Discord. I know she calls you 'Daddy'," The suspicion in her voice was easy to recognise.
It was Discord's turn to fold his arms in annoyance now, "Miss Sparkle I do believe you are accusing me of not being a proper 'gentlebeast', implying that I somehow had something to do with this little filly's parentage?" Discord sounded genuinely hurt by the suggestion, "I may be a creature of chaos and havoc (mostly reformed I might add), but I would never stoop so low."
Discord produced a family tree diagram with Screwball at it's base and quickly indicated a distinct lack of chaos anywhere, "I promise you on my friendship with Fluttershy that I had nothing to do with this filly's condition whatsoever."
Twilight studied Discord's odd face for what felt like a long time, even after working together for a few years she still didn't trust him and Twilight felt she was right not to. But this time something in her heart told Twilight that Discord was actually telling the truth; even if only this once, "So she really is an orphan, no living relatives at all?"
Discord nodded sadly, but further debate was cut short as the filly in question trotted her way back up to the pair with a cheerful smile on her face, "All done Dr, not a single pencil is the same length and Miss Shy is exactly twenty four point two degrees off centre, just how you like her."
Discord smiled indulgently at Screwball in her little suit and propeller hat, "Very good Miss Screw, thank you for your assistance, I have nearly finished with Miss Sparkle here so would you be so kind as to prepare our next case while I conclude my meeting?"
Screwball saluted happily before giving Twilight another little wave. She trotted off to blue earth pony who was wearing a giant jar lid on his head. No Twilight corrected herself, he was a grey pony with a blond mane but smeared all over in blue jam. "Good day Mr Hugh Jelly I hope we didn't disturb something important by bringing you here?" Screwball commented sweetly.
"I don't want to even ask," Twilight muttered before refocusing on Discord who was still watching Screwball with an indulgent expression. "Well then, was Screwball why you 'asked' me to come over?"
Discord nodded, "I needed to tell you she is now officially on my permanent staff. I can't foresee her ever living outside the confines of my wards, but I do believe Screwball is lucid enough to be allowed out along with the others."
Twilight nodded and to her surprise didn't feel all that bad about the whole situation. Being on 'permanent staff' simply meant that Screwball was deemed incurable even by the newly appointed Dr. Discord. That was the whole reason for this facility so that the insane and disturbed creatures of Equestria could be treated.
The amazing thing was that it really worked too, Discord could reason with the maddest of folk, having come to insanity from the opposite direction and knew its layout like the back of his claw. The inmates at his 'Home for Interesting Ponies' had a place of safety and calm to work out their troubles. The project had seen immediate results as previously unstable ponies were able to go back into society. Thanks to his efforts they acted completely sane while out and about, even while still undergoing treatment. For Screwball’s new definition meant she would now need to live at 'H.I.P', but was by no means a prisoner there.
Twilight smiled again, "Thanks Dr for keeping me up to date with her progress," Twilight thought for a moment, not sure how to express what she was thinking, "You know I think Screwball is happy here, did it ever occur to you that she's only pretending to be sick to stay with you?"
Discord blinked a few times in disbelief at that idea, "Come now princess, who is the one with a certificate in mental health? If she was just pretending I am sure I would have noticed something, takes one to know one huh?"
Twilight nodded in agreement, "You're right of course, pony minds were never my strong point and if Celestia thinks you're creature for the job then who am I to argue," The Princess held out her hoof to Discord, "Well unless there is anything else I will be getting back to my own work?" Discord waved his claw vaguely for Twilight to go after thanking the alicorn for her time.
So yeah, I have great days with Daddy. We take care of sick ponies and make them better. I get to spend all my time meeting some of the most interesting ponies you can think of and as I said before there is never a dull moment around here. I can say I am as happy as I can ever remember being and I truly believe I was born for this job!
Screwball closed her diary, shutting in the words which had been written in a spiral fashion. Daddy had told Screwball it was important to keep a book on her thoughts and feelings for posterity. She blew out the lamp by her absurdly angled bed and hugged her little plush hippo tightly before drifting off to sleep without a care in the world.
Discord watched the little pony and smiled despite himself. He found it so sweet, how Screwball would read her diary out to the little hippo once she had written in it. Speaking with the small toy as if it had been part of the whole conversation contained within right from the start. Discord was still at a complete loss as to where the little toy had come from, but it was certainly useful and many of his patients were happy to converse with the stuffed plaything.
Putting aside this mystery for the moment Discord made his way back to his personal throne. Celestia had let him keep it which was kind of her he reasoned considering it was a symbol of him trying to overthrow the white alicorn.
He coiled himself upon the symbol of his former rule, looked about the crazed layout of his personal chambers and pondered Screwball. Discord had his own little empire within a very heavily shielded section of Canterlot now. He was allowed to have things as he willed. H.I.P had been created under Celestia’s directions and with Screwball there it felt more...'complete'. It was the only word Discord could conjure.
After a long time Discord reasoned it was more fun 'not' making sense and was pleased to have some permanent company to work with. Screwball would be living here from now on it seemed and in some strange way (even by his standards) to feel right. Discord gently rested his chin on his claw and dropped off into his own little dream world only to find to his astonishment that Screwball was there waiting for him to show her the wonders of the universe.
She greeted Discord with a simple: "Love you Daddy."
The End
