If you came up to me two months ago and told me that I would be sitting in a café drinking tea next to a magical talking pony, I would’ve personally made sure that you would be in an asylum before the day was over. Yet, here I am; drinking tea next to my colleague Pinkie at SugarCube Corner.
I don’t know exactly how it happened, but it was some science stuff that went wrong in Cern, and to make a long story short, Equestria’s the latest nation to join the UN. And it’s also the most popular location for tourists. The thing is, they didn’t have a concept of tourism before us, so when a whole new market opened up, they didn’t have the workers to fill out the new jobs.
This is where I fit into all of this. I was fired from my job at the local shoe-factory, and needed a new job. And then I saw this ad in the newspaper saying that they need a human to work as a waiter, and that the person needs to speak at least three different languages.
I don’t exactly know three languages, but apparently the ponies don’t know there’s no difference between Equestrian, English and British. And they don’t know that they’re paying five times as much as the average employer in the same business does.
So getting employed at SugarCube Corner was both the easiest thing I had done all month, as well as the best thing I had done all month.
So far I’ve only worked for about three hours because Pinkie had to throw a party for me. As well as all the other humans who came here in search of work. And apparently I had to show up at all of them for some weird reason. Did I mention that I hate parties?
So anyways, I’m sitting in the café or whatever, and all of a sudden some peagasus runs into the building. Then she walks back a bit, and goes in through the front door yelling; “DID SOMEPONY ORDER A LARGE HAM?!”
“SomeBODY. And yes, that would be me,” I answered the mare.
“Well here it is you freak!” the pony then proceeded to throw the ham right towards me.
Now that in itself is incredibly rude, but she also just called me a freak. I can understand that she might think of me as a freak, seeing as how I’m an alien from a different world, and honestly that’s how I see some of these ponies. Just some of them, not all of them.
But anyways, the rude thing about it was not the fact that she called me a freak, or that she threw the thing I ordered right at me. It was also the state that it was in. I’m a human, so I eat other animals, but I don’t eat them raw. I repeat, I do not eat them raw. They’re cooked and served with manners. And devoured without any tact at all, but the point is that I have some standards when it comes to food.
So when I order some food, I expect it to be in incased in a proper container. This ham wasn’t in a proper container. It was in a fishing net. It was covered in dirt, bugs and fake blood. How did I knew it was fake blood? Well, let’s just say that I’ve worked at a farm in Texas and that I know how blood looks. This is not blood. – Oh and the company I ordered the ham from is very careful when it comes to handling their goods, and they don’t let a single drop of blood into their meat.
But anyways, this ham had been carried by a pegasus –who just ran into a building- in a fishing net. It was covered in dirt, bugs, and fake blood. This is not what I ordered. I am aware that the ponies are vegetarians, so I wanted the delivery to be in some sort of box so that the ponies wouldn’t be repulsed, but this was open to the public. Everyone could see it. – Oh, and it was flying right at me.
So anyways, this ham hit me right in the face and knocked me unconscious. So when I woke up the first thing I saw was the abdomen of some spider sitting on my forehead. Let me tell you what’s wrong with that.
First of all, I suffer from arachnophobia. Secondly, nobody was helping me. I know I don’t know these ponies very well, and that I’m an alien from another world and all, but these ponies constantly talk about the magic of friendship, so wouldn’t they try to help out the guy who just took a ham to the face?
So anyways, after realizing there was a spider sitting on my forehead I more or less freaked out. Without going into detail I can say that after a few minutes the spider was splattered all over the floor. And the bottom of my shoe would have to get cleaned up.
“Ben, what’s the meaning of this?” Mayor Mare asked, bringing me out of my fear-slumber-state.
“The spider! It was going to kill me!” I answered.
“What? What spider?”
“THAT spider!” I said as I pointed to the corpse of the spider on the floor in front of me. As I did one of the legs twitched.
“It’s still alive!” I screamed as I jumped onto the table to get away from the monster.
“Ben!” the mayor woke me up again. “Why is there a ham in a fishing net on the floor?”
“Oh, that.” I walked to the side of the table furthest away from the spider, and jumped down.
“We humans need a certain amount of protein to sustain ourselves, and because of that our diet is a little different. That’s why we eat meat. But ever since I got here I’ve only eaten pony-food. So I needed some way of getting protein.”
“I understand that, but why is the ham in a fishing net, covered in dirt, bugs, and fake blood?”
“Oh right, I remember now. I must have accidentally ordered it from McDonalds instead of the normal company.”