When Princess Twilight Sparkle and Spike do Battle

by secret89

Rating: teen
Tags: Spike, Comedy, Random, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1812

Spike pisses Twilight off. Clearly they must do battle.

Spike pisses Twilight off at that unfortunate time of the month. The result is a battle in which Spike fights for his life, with all manner of random absurdity thrown into the mix.

The following is the result of when I try to start writing chapter 15 for Legacy of the Pegasi, and instead end up writing a random crack story to make my brother and I laugh. Be forewarned, this story contains gratuitous usage of foul language and references.

Published 2013-12-31 02:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-12-31 02:10:01 UTC

Spike vs. Twilight

A Retelling of the Most Grand and Glorious Battle Betwixt her Royal Highness Princess Twilight Sparkle and the Valiant (but Clearly Misguided and what some would Consider to be Suicidal) Spike the Dragon.

A steaming cup of shit sat in the corner. Twilight didn't know what to do with it.

“Fuck it!” She screamed aloud.

“What the fuck Twilight?” Spike said from across the room.

“Shut the fuck up you piece of garbage!” She hollered back at the repugnant dragon.

“Must be that time of the month...” Spike mumbled to himself.

“What was that!”

Oh fuck me! Spike thought. “Nothing. I said nothing!”

“Bullshit!” Twilight's eyes started to go white, a clear sign of 'you're completely fucked'.

Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck...! Spike ran out of the library, cursing all manner of female monthly functions.

The library imploded. The blast seared across the the entirety of Ponyville. Those that weren't blown away by the shockwave were burnt to a cindery crisp from the resulting inferno.

“SPIKE!” Bellowed the pissed off unicorn. “GET BACK HERE YOU LITTLE BASTARD!”

Twilight rose from the ashes, her body encased in a raging inferno of black flames. Purple and green wisps flitted from her two tone eyes of red and purple. Her wings outstretched, dripping in molten lava. How this was possible was anypony's guess, but nopony really had time to contemplate the logic of it when you have a batshit insane demon fueled by raging PMS generally fucking the place up. But she did, alighting into the air, and taking off after Spike, drips of lava dropping from the sky, and lighting the rest of the unfortunate town on fire.

Twilight streaked overhead, a panicking dragon in her sights. Her horn lit up, and she fired molten cheese at the dragon. Why cheese? Because science.

Cheese splattered around Spike, encasing market stalls, houses and unfortunate ponies who had been lucky enough to avoid the PMS shockwave, but clearly deserved death by cheese.

Spike continued to run from Twilight, but it was clear his stubby little legs were worthless against the Alicorn.

“Shit!” Spike cursed to himself. “4 seasons of this! When the fuck do I get to be a badass dragon?” However, Spike had little time to contemplate the clear conspiracy that the DHX writers had against him.

The dragon stopped just inside the Ponyville square. Bodies lay strewn about, others trying to pull themselves from the wreckage of homes, still others moaning like zombies about the horrors of something called 'Twilicorn' and something called 'M.A. Larson.”

Twilight hovered overhead haphazardly, still not used to her wings, and definitely not used to molten wings. In her fit of murderous rage and excitement, the molten lava ignited her mane on fire.

“Fuck! Stupid fucking wings!” She madly flew about, spinning circles and generally looking like an ass.

As was his nature, Spike decided this was the perfect time to be a wise ass, as per the writers. “So much for being an all powerful princess. Can't even fly without setting your own ass on fire!” He bellowed, completely oblivious to the fact that the cheese wielding Alicorn wanted him dead.

Twilight screamed in rage, but also felt some amount 'I'm a moron because I've been on fire this whole time anyway, but wasn't about to give the little purple shit below me the satisfaction', so she simply shot off another beam of the superheated dairy, promptly missing and completely destroying Sugar Cube Corner. All inside perished.

Suddenly aware that he was still in 'run for your life mode' Spike jumped behind the fountain statue.

There was a subtle click in the air. Something one might associate with the reload of a pump action shotgun. Spike peeked around the corner, noting the sudden change in Twilight's horn, which instead of dripping cheese now had a caption above which read: Death Star Superlaser (Patent Pending: The Galactic Empire).

Spike sat down in defeat. He was done. There was nothing he could do. Now he would witness the full power of this fully ARMED and OPERATIONAL BATTLE STATION!

A green glow began to cast sickly shadows around the fountain.

Twilight grinned devilishly, feeling the hate grow within her and some distant mumblings about striking him down with all your hatred or some nonsense.

Spike flicked the cigarette from his hand, preparing to tie a blindfold around his eyes. But then there was sudden surge within him. Some unknown power he had not felt before.

Twilight's horn grew brighter. There were little dots flying around her head that she swore where shooting red and green lasers (some even biting at her face) but she ignored it.

Without warning Spike jumped from behind the fountain and screamed: “BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL or some weird shit like that...” he half mumbled, not sure where the words had come from, but he had little time to think as his mouth shot open again, his arm shooting up in the air. “I HAVE THE POWER!”

There was also this cool echoing sound effect when he did it. It was awesome.

Twilight was momentarily blinded but the sudden burst of manliness and the testosterone filled shout, the power clearly working against her PMS powers.

Spike's mouth erupted in green flame. Instead of one of Princess Celestia's annoying letters about the 'magic' of 'friendship' (when she clearly should have been running the country, but instead was clearly too lazy and incompetent.) a large scepter shot forth. It was made of gold and gleamed in the light. There seemed to be some kind of decoration at the top.

With Twilight still conveniently blinded for sake of the plot, Spike slowly (very slowly) admired its make, slowly (still extremely slowly) brought the decoration to eye level.

Solid gold? This must be weapon from Celestia in my time of need! What could possibly adorn the top of such a legendary wea- “OH HOLY FUCKING SHIT WHAT IS THAT?!”

Spike threw the sceptre from his clawed hands like it had the plague. That is the ugliest fucking thing I have ever seen in my life!

The sceptre stared back at him with it's dead, beady little eyes. Twilight's head sat atop the golden rod, staring forth like it enjoyed being a permanent fixture. Despite the horribleness that clearly would turn lesser beings to stone (Spike clearly not one of those beings, what with all the Grayskull business), had to admit it was a vast improvement to Twilight's appearance.

However it was still butt fucking ugly. Spike felt compelled to let Twilight know.

By this time Twilight had recovered from the manliness that she clearly would never know in her sad, little, foreveralone life. Only to be greeted by Spike holding the scepter up at her.

“Hey Twilight? This is the ugliest thing I have ever set eyes on in Equestria, but it's still an improvement over your mug!”

Twilight roared, finally releasing the green energy from her horn.

On reflex alone, Spike swung the scepter, intercepting the beam in the scepter's mouth. Immediately it consumed the beam, followed by a massive belch shockwave that sent Twilight flying.

“HaHA!” Spike taunted the spiraling Alicorn. “How do you like that! It even sounds like you when you burp!”

Twilight screamed in rage again, bearing down on the dragon with rapid horn fire.

The battle raged on. Twilight firing all manner of laser based weaponry courtesy of the Imperial Navy, while Spike gleefully reflected it with her face (which he was keen to continually remind her of).

Evenly matched the two combatants paused.

Suddenly the sound of a cart barreling down the road reached to two adversaries. Both looked down the war torn road.

In a cart pulled by Big Mac, (who suddenly had on a WWII helmet and camo facepaint), sat Applejack her hooves at the controls of a belt fed machine gun. Her face was grim and concentrated. Applebloom sat behind her with the ammunition, with a like expression.

Before either dragon or Alicorn could react, Applejack swung the mounted gun around, releasing a barrage of apples at rapid fire at the Alicorn. No words were uttered by Applajack, but her mind churned away with the hum of the machine gun.

Applesapplesapplesapplesapplesapplesapplesapplesapplesapples...

Beside her Applebloom fed the fruit spewing machine of death.

Twilight was buffeted and pelting by the incoming projectiles of fruity destruction.

“AJ!-wait-stop-.” She tried to call out.

“Applesapplesapplesapplesapplesapplesapplesapplesapples.” AJ continued to drum aloud.

“ARGH!?-WHAT-WHY-HOW?” Twilight continued to sputter, trying to dodge (rather poorly, as molten lava wings certainly look cool, but give -1 to agility) as apples bounced off her head in rapid succession, one even impaling itself right onto her horn.

“APPLESAPPLESAPPLESAPPLESAPPLESAPPLESAPPLESAPPLESAPPLES!” Applejack was shouting now, as Big Mac continued to pull the cart around in circles.

Twilight's horn began to power down. The flame power around her receded, and her awesome lava wings started to disappear.

Applebloom suddenly reached for a bottle of cider from the cart. She proceeded to light the tip of the Cider-cocktail on fire, and flung it at the flailing Alicorn.

The bottle exploded onto to Twilight, just as her fiery coat subsided, which reignited her mane and tail. Only this time for real.

“ARGH! IT BURNS!” Twilight screamed in agony.

Spike stared stupidly at the display. Apples must have been the solution the whole time.

He dropped the scepter on the ground. “What the fuck.” He said flatly. He turned to Applejack, trying to get her attention. “Hey AJ! You picked a hell of a time to not be a background pony!”

AJ's response was swift. She swung the machine gun around on Spike.

“APPLESAPPLESAPPLESAPPLESAPPLESAPPLESAPPLESAPPLESAPPLES!” Applejack screamed in a fruity rage of a produce farmer driven to the edge, where there was neither friend or foe.

Only apples.

Spike ducked for cover. But his stubby legs betrayed him again. He tripped and fell over the scepter (in his slow motion fall he swore he saw the demonic golden Twilight head laughing at him), and was immediately pelted in the face with apples.

Everything went dark.

Spike awoke in his bed.

The library wasn't destroyed. There was no burning, no screaming, and (after a peek at Twilight's bed) no PMSing Twilight. It had all been a dream.

Luna suddenly appeared next to the dragon.

“Spike.” She said softly. “What the fuck?”

THE END

Author's Note

So... yeah.

Take what you will from this. I never intended to write it, so don't take this too seriously. Really it just continued on because it made my brother and I laugh. Maybe you found it funny. If not, that's cool. For some reason I felt compelled to share. Interestingly enough I pumped out over 1500 words in less than an hour. Faster writing than I do with chapters of LoP. I don't know if I should be proud or ashamed.

Oh well.

-secret89