The Best Night Ever!

by Lucefudu

Rating: mature
Tags: Sex, Random, Discord, Human, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rarity, Other
Length: 2624

A rather fabulous unreliable narrator gives a human a chance to fulfil his most sensual dream

Well, then who, pray tell, would you be so inclined to give a hard rutting? Uh-huh. Mhmmm… oh, I see. Oh. Oh! But you know how she is like. She would never lay down with the likes of yo—oh fine! I’ll do it. But be warned, this will be the most unique experience you’ll ever… experience!

Co-written with Owlor

Published 2013-12-31 04:10:05 UTC
Last updated 2013-12-31 04:10:05 UTC

Story

So, Twilight's spell malfunctioned once again and there was a rift in the 11-dimensional space time continuum that opened a wormhole in the vortex of the portal and…

Wait, that’d take too much of both of our times, wouldn’t it? Who wants to read thousands of words of character development and adventurous romance these days? You? Oh, don’t make me laugh. You’re in here for the action. The thrill. A hunter and its prey. Visceral! Carnal! Sinful! Oh, oh yes! Now we’re getting somewhere. That’s what you’re here for.

So you… ahem you are a citizen of Equestria. How you got here is not important. What is important is that you’ve been here for quite some time. How much? Oh, it’s much more than what you’re able to count, so don’t even bother. Anyway, you’ve been in this pastel-colored world for quite some time. And, being the stereotypical loser that you are, you find yourself bored of your five girlfriends.

Which five girlfriends, you ask? Ha! The same ones you use when you count of course. Do you get it now? Good, good. Carrying on, then. As you are walking on the streets on a particularly hot summer day, you find your throat rather parched, so you walk towards Sugarcube Corner in the hopes that a nice cold milkshake from there will be able to pry your dry larynx open.

The bell jingles as you make your way in and a rather amusing pink pony smiles upon seeing you. She waves a hoof at you, so you wave back at her. As you approach the counter, she motions for you to come closer.

You, being the dimwit you are, stare at her cluelessly before the message finally sinks. You inch closer to her, but she shakes her head, still motioning for you to get closer. You roll your eyes and obey. She inches her snout towards your ear and you can already feel her warm breath tickling your neck, sending some rather jovious goosebumps up your spine.

“I always dreamed of being alone with you,” she says with utmost sincerity. Feeling the thrill of… oh, what is it?! What? You don’t like Pinkie Pie all that much? Well, then who, pray tell, would you be so inclined to give a hard rutting? Uh-huh. Mhmmm… oh, I see. Oh. Oh! But you know how she is like. She would never lay down with the likes of yo—oh fine! I’ll do it. But be warned, this will be the most unique experience you’ll ever… experience!

Yes, yes, for real. Yes, her. And don’t you ever tell me that I’m not generous! Oh, that was a good one.

Ahem

The both of you just had the most delightfully romantic dinner the two of you could ever hope to get. It was on a nice restaurant on the far-edge of the town. A fine establishment, really. The ambience was just perfect; not too many ponies that it would make it seem crowded but not so few that the place would seem abandoned. The entrès were delicious, and the wine you chose was rather heavy, like something that this restaurant might as well serve with the bottle in a brown paper bag. The two of you were not fully inebriated yet, though not for a lack of trying. Still, the crappy wine is softening the edges of the world and you both feel ever so slightly flustered.

All in all, you were thankful to have been graced with such an exceptional evening. Gee willickers, your brain farts to itself, I sure do hope this night ends well!

It’s only a few minutes later when you and your lucky dame stand before Carrousel Boutique’s front door. Neither of you bother with sexual euphemisms, as both of your minds are pretty set on what’s supposed to happen. Once you’re both inside, Rarity excuses herself to freshen up and goes upstairs, leaving you to your own imagination.

The bulge in your pants is barely noticeable, although it does the trick by sending a multitude of messages towards your brain. Since you’ve been left to your own devices, you can’t help but look at her mannequins and notice just how shapely they are. You move towards their posterior, wondering if they’d have a hole you could—

“I’m up here. Don’t keep me waiting, big guy,” Rarity’s voice echoes inside your brain, sounding like sweet sweet honey to your ears. Now that your directives have been updated with a new location you waste no time in running up the stairs. You, incredibly, manage to climb all the way up with no incidents, that with your baggy, garish trousers barely surviving the rapid ascend.

Your heart races inside your chest; you’re like an animal. Your flabby “muscles” are tighter than you’ve ever felt them. The air thrashes about inside your lungs with every breath you take in. Reaching the top of the staircase, you halt your crusade momentarily.

There are exactly two doors, in front of you. Wasting no time you inhale deeply, almost rupturing your small lungs in the process, and catches that sweaty, luscious scent of C. albicans coming from the door on the right. You put your whole weight on the door, throwing it open and launching you towards the floor. From your new disadvantage point you are only able to see two hooves dangling over the bed.

You crawl towards them and, once you’ve reached grasping proximity, you immediately take one of those in your mouth. Her moans of approval reach your ears, prompting you to disregard the taste of grass and mud that assaults your gustative buttons.

“Oh, yes, darling! Mama likes it!” You keep slobbering over her hooves with more enthusiasm than professionalism. Figuring that she liked her present, you decide to travel north a bit. Your tongue traces sloppy marks on her thighs as you find yourself nearer and nearer your prize. Her moans drive you to ecstasy, though her fur makes it not as enjoyable as you’d hoped.

You keep lapping at her like a dog until you reach her midsection. Your lust makes you so blind that you’re not even aware of what you’re doing. You’re mostly going by instinct, like a drunk painter who is making a mess of the canvas. Your tongue works its way as you frantically search for her folds. It’s hard—being the pure soul you are—but this minor obstacle doesn’t hinder you the slightest.

You eventually bump into a small bulb and you greedily suck on it. A wave of happiness washes over you as Rarity moans louder, closing her legs and trapping your head between them. Your tongue dances on top of it, making the fur around what seems her small teat damp.

“Oh yes! Yes! Right there! Play with my balls, darling.”

Oopsies!

“Please don’t stop! Don’t stop don’t stop don’t stop!” she exclaims, gripping your head tighter than before with her legs, much to your dismay. You try to pry them open with your hands, only to feel another surge of panic as your palm comes in contact with a warm and pulsating flesh cylinder. Adrenaline rushes your heart and lungs as your face is pressed hard against her scrotum.

No matter how much thrashing you do, it is only when Rarity stops holding your head in order to jerk her throbbing dick that you manage to pry her legs a bit and escape her bear-like grip. You throw yourself a good half meter away from her—a feat most extraordinary, given your physical capabilities—and try your hardest to make sense of this situation

You remember it clearly; she still had a pussy when she moved her tail aside to give you a glimpse of her most prized gems. However, thanks to some rather handsome entity, Rarity now finds herself with the biggest phallus you've ever had the delight of laying your eyes upon. What's this? Are you not delighted by her fabulosity? Well, too bad! You put me through all this trouble to get you this far, now you’re going to enjoy it.

Now, as your teary eyes drag themselves over her member, two facts strikes you right away: one is that Rarity is much more well equipped than you had previously thought and the other is that Rarity is very well-acquainted with royalty. Prince Albert, to be precise… how nice of him to join us, don’t you think?

You whimper as she sits on the bed, letting her legs touch the floor. “What’s the matter, darling? Now, don’t tell me you’re afraid of it. It’s harmless!” she says, stroking her dark colored member. To drive her point further, Rarity bends over herself and kisses the tip of her erection, returning to face you with a bit of precum glistening on her lips. “See?”

You wordlessly backpedal, shocked by this horror. The size and the thickness are what frightens you the most, as she’d be able to perform the most excruciating colonoscopy if she so desired. Your head thuds against a solid object behind you. Turning your head, the panic becomes even more palpable as you suddenly realize that there isn’t a door behind you or anywhere in the room.

She jumps at you, pressing her muzzle against your mouth. Your stomach churns as you taste the salty precum that stained her lips. Not only that, however. You always thought that kissing a colorful pony would taste sweet. Turns out that ponies eat grass. Lots and lots of grass. You are reminded of the time a football hit your face as a kid and you passed out face-down on the lawn...

As she presses both your bodies closer, you feel the warmness radiating from her dick as it towers over yours. And, it is with a deep sense of dread that you notice that yours is up, more ready for battle than ever.

She evetully breaks the kiss and licks her lips sensually. “Let’s make love,” she whispers and levitates you towards the bed. She unceremoniously lets go of you and you make contact with the bed cover. You try to drag yourself away from the mare, but all you manage to do is make a mess of the sheets.

You feel her jumping on top of you, pinning you in your position. Her member keeps throbbing, making it bump against your ass and balls. You turn your head slowly and look at her pleadingly. “You’re adorable.” She inches closer to you and gives you a peck on your cheek. “Let’s cum together, shall we?” she asks, magically spreading your cheeks open.

The world immediately slows down. You are able to feel her powerful hindquarter muscles tensing as a very uncomfortable feeling begins to be processed in your brain. Her anatomically incompatible phallus struggles to break through your sphincter’s resistance. You clench as hard as you can, but her tenacity knows no bounds. You sweat turns cold as you feel yourself stretching to accommodate for her tip. The feeling of being torn into two is too much, and you proceed to empty your lungs in a scream of perverse delight. She, undeterred by your howling, begins to move her haunches in a circular motion as she drills forward, piercing you whole.

“Don’t worry, darling. It’ll start feeling good, I promise,” she says, levitating a ballgag seemingly out of nowhere and stuffing it in your mouth. You feel the dick jewelry massaging your prostate from the inside, prompting you to try to work your arms and legs from her grip. It is of no use, however; even though Rarity has a slim physique, her weight is just too much for you.

Without warning, she violently pushes forward until only the base of her dick is outside your asshole, her balls slapping against yours. You try to scream once more through the ballgag, as it seems like the only viable way to reduce the pain you’re experiencing. Your lungs burn as every liter of air is wasted on your incessant plights for mercy.

The ring on the middle of her cock grinds against your prostate as the tip of the jewelry massages your colon, sending mixed signals to your brain. Your whole body is gripped by incessant shivers as she stops, remaining with her full length docked in.

“See? What did I tell you?” She kissed your cheek once more before slowly retracting her member. You can’t help but feel a spasm in your own member as the jewlry passes by your prostate. The pain, although dwindling in intensity, is still heart-racing. She eases on the weight over your body and you are able to feel the tip almost leaving your bleeding rectum.

Seeing this as your chance to finally break free, you focus every inch of your being into your arms and legs. Rarity notices your sudden movement, however, and plunges back in. Once more, you howl with agony. Her overly-girlish moan, coupled with the feeling of being filled, force your dick into more truculent spasms.

“Oh my stars, darling! You are such a tightie!” Instead of lodging her quarter-meter inside you and staying still, Rarity begins moving rhythmically. Her pelvis slaps against your cheeks in time with her balls and yours. The beastly dance continues for long arduous minutes. You can’t even remember when the pain disappeared and your eyes became so moist and vacant. You just laid there, body sprawled, as Rarity pounded you with a voracity most unbecoming of somepony so ladylike.

Even though you wished you were elsewhere, the reality of the moment became crystal clear once more as her thrusts became less contained. You could feel her hind legs tensing as her violence amped up. Time seemed to slow down once more as you heard a particularly ecstatic moan.

It was all so sudden. She lodged herself as deeply as she could, releasing her creamy mare seed inside your colon in thick squirts. The way her dick pulsated against your prostate sent shivers up your spine, and soon you felt your own essence being released as well. You arched your back, letting out a guttural scream of both pleasure and frustration as the pathetic drips that ejaculated from your erection clung to your abdomen.

She panted right next to your ear, but you are too much exhausted and humiliated to be mentally aroused by it. As quickly as she first plunged in, Rarity removes her already floppy dick from your anus and pushes you to the side, rolling you over. You can feel it and what you’re sure is blood slowly pooling from the gap, trickling down your inner thigh.

Now didn't you enjoy this little rendezvous? Are you not happy that the most handsome and romantic entity in Equestria bent space and time just to get your loser ass laid? Are you not entertained?! Fine, then. If you don’t find Equestria to your liking, I’ll send you back to your pathetic planet. Good riddance!

Author's Note

Lucefudu: Orgasm induced by direct prostate stimulation. It's a real thing. Trust me, I'm a doctor!
Also¹: What does mucosae and saliva taste like?
Also²: Pinkie Pie had an alternate line. T’was: “Would you party my pooper?”

Owlor: This all started with us discussing the trope of sexfic having the ponies mouths (and other areas) have a specific taste for no reason other than to be cute, and I made fun of it by writing an excerpt from a hypothetical second person sexfic that said something to the effect of “You kiss one and then you realize that ponies mostly eat grass. A lot of grass." And we decided with beer-fueled logic that this was amusing enough make a whole fanfic out of.