Fluttershy vs Fruit - the Ultimate Showdown!
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A Guide To Overcoming Fruit Addiction
Fluttershy vs Fruit - the Ultimate Showdown!
Fluttershy woke up with a start. This wasn’t altogether unusual for her - when one shares one’s cottage with several large birds of prey, a decent-sized bear, and the eternal god of chaos[1], waking up tends to come with a very real risk of grievous bodily harm. Thankfully, all of her limbs and major internal organs had stayed in their proper location for a change[2].
She opened her eyes with the reluctance of someone who knows that what they’re about to see might just break their mind. Surprisingly, everything seemed normal[3] aside from the fact that she wasn’t actually near her bed. Discord was looking amused, which was typically a bad sign. With great trepidation, and against her better judgement, she asked “Why am I not in my bed?”
“Well, I wouldn’t know,” he replied. “You didn’t bother telling poor Discord why you suddenly decided to sleep hanging upside-down from the roof. Just like you haven’t bothered to tell me what’s with the fangs. You never tell me anything.” He tried to mimic the look of a hurt puppy, which went about as well as can be expected from a creature whose face looks like a particularly bizarre avant-garde sculpture. “Mind you, I think the new style is rather charming.
“Sleeping upside-down? Fangs? Oh my goodness…”
===
Golden Oak Library
Number of Days Since Last Major Emergency:
5
Twilight Sparkle (Royal Princess, Recipient of the Medal of Harmony for Saving the Realm (x17), PhD in Friendship Studies at Canterlot University, six-time Canterlot Spelling Bee Champion) looked at the sign. It had been five days since the incident at Sweet Apple Acres that had turned Fluttershy into a batpony. Twilight had good hopes that she could actually go a full week without a major emergency for once. Ignoring that meteor two days ago could be considered cheating, but it was such a minor issue and all of Ponyville was used to such inconveniences anyway, so she felt it was only fair not to count it.
Then Fluttershy burst in. “Twilight!” she said. “I think I’m turning into a bat again!”
“Are you sure?” Twilight said.
“I sucked dry three apples on the way here!”
“I’ll get the rest of the girls, see if they can’t help us. Spiiiiike! Go see if there isn’t a book around here that might be of help! And reset the sign while you’re at it, please.”
===
Just a few minutes later, there were six ponies and one Spike gathered around a table in the library, one of whom was curled up into fetal position and repeating “my farm. my farm. my farm” in between sobs. In the centre was a copy of Fruit Vampirism and You - a Guide opened at Chapter VII - So You Want To Stop Sucking Fruits.
“It says here there are two known ways of stopping her from sucking fruits,” Spike said. “The first one, which is generally considered the better option, is to keep her from eating any fruits for a full 48 hours.”
“You saw how difficult it was to keep her from sucking apples the first time this happened,” Twilight said. “The only way we could possibly pull it off is by locking her up, and I don’t want to do that.”
“For what it’s worth,” Fluttershy said, “I don’t mind all that much getting l-”
“Nopony is locking up Fluttershy,” Rainbow Dash said. “We’ll try option number two.”
Spike continued reading. “The other option is to cast a Profane Thirst spell on her, which will replace her thirst for fruit juice with a thirst for pony blood.”
“That’s less than ideal in the long term,” Twilight said.
“Not to come off as greedy,” Rarity said, “but I am rather fond of having blood in my veins. Besides, those bite marks would look positively horrid on my neck.”
“Sounds like a good enough option to me,” Applejack said.
“I’m just gonna go ahead and veto this one,” Twilight said.
“Can’t we just leave her like this?” Rainbow Dash said. “How bad can it possibly be to lose a few apples?”
Applejack glared at Rainbow Dash. “It means you’ll have less cider, RD. And we know what happened last time you were deprived of cider.”
“And as much as I love cider, I love Fluttershy more,” Rainbow Dash said. “If need be, I can get drunk on something else than cider, but I would never want to get drunk with anypony other than Fluttershy.”
“Such a romantic statement,” Rarity said. “Still, I have to side with Applejack on this one. Spending two days locked up is a small price to pay for curing dear Fluttershy of her affliction.”
“But-” Rainbow said.
“I really don’t mind,” Fluttershy said. “Just send me away for two days and I’ll be back good as new.”
Rainbow Dash sighed. “Oh, fine.”
“Right, are there any objections against the current plan?” Twilight asked.
The room remained silent.
“Then lets do this!”
“Do what?” Pinkie Pie asked. “Sorry, I wasn’t paying attention. What were we talking about again?”
===
Twilight’s friends, as a rule, preferred not to ask questions about the specifics about Twilight’s basement. They’d really rather not know why the dungeon cell Fluttershy was currently being held in existed, let alone where the bloodstains had come from[4]. In the thirty hours that she had been in there so far, she had gone from her typical self to snarling and screaming for various fruits while banging herself against the door.
“Maybe we should let her out,” Twilight said. “She’s starting to worry me.”
“We’re already over half-way there,” Applejack said. “We have to keep going. It’s for the best.”
Her words might have convinced her friends if only she had first managed to convince herself.
“We have to let her out,” Rainbow Dash said. “This isn’t good for Fluttershy.”
“Just a little longer,” Applejack said. “I’m sure she will be fine.”
“Fine, but I’ll check up on her as often as possible, and if I think it’s necessary to let her go, I’ll let her go, you understand?”
A few hours later, Fluttershy had returned to her normal self. She remained calm throughout the rest of her stay in the dungeon.
===
“Well, the forty-eight hours are over,” Twilight said. “I guess that means you’re officially cured!”
Everypony (and Spike) was gathered in front of the dungeon cell. Twilight unlocked the door, and as one, everypony (and Spike) flooded in and hugged Fluttershy. For a few moments, they formed a living ball of friendship’s bliss[5]. Then, something caught Applejack’s eye.
“Hey, there’s three apples lying on the floor here!” she said.
“Three?” Rainbow Dash said. “But I only gave her two!”
“Oh, I’m glad I wasn’t the only one who snuck apples into Fluttershy’s dungeon,” Rarity said.
Twilight twitched. “You what?”
“Terribly sorry, dear, but I just couldn’t stand to see Fluttershy suffering. I just had to do something for her, and I figured two apples couldn’t hurt.”
“How did you even get fruit in here without me or Spike noticing?” Twilight said.
“I might have turned a blind eye,” Spike said. “On that note, I might’ve given her two apples as well.
“You know there’s other fruits than apples, right?” Pinkie said. “I gave her two kumquats!”
“Wait,” Spike said, “I didn’t even let you… You know what, never mind.”
“So why are there still three apples left?” Applejack asked.
“Oh, I wasn’t that hungry,” Fluttershy said. “I was thinking I might share those last three apples with my friends.”
“Wait, you were in here two whole days and you only ate three apples and two kumquats?” Rainbow Dash said. “Remind me again why we need to cure you of this fruit thing?”
“I had you locked up for that?” Applejack said. “I can’t believe myself. I was so worried about my apples I made you suffer for it. I screwed up pretty dang bad. Can you ever forgive me?”
“I could never stay mad at a friend,” Fluttershy replied. “You only tried to protect your livelihood. I understand.”
Everypony (and Spike) once again united into a living ball of friendship’s bliss, before leaving the dungeon and having a nice meal together involving lots of juicy apples.
That night, Fluttershy slept comfortably from her cottage’s ceiling.
And after concluding that Fluttershy’s condition didn’t count as an emergency, Twilight changed the sign at the library.
Golden Oak Library
Number of Days Since Last Major Emergency:
7
Twilight slept the most peaceful sleep she had slept in ages.
[1] and a hellbeast of unimaginable evil that happened to be trapped in the body of a little bunny.
[2] Fluttershy considered Discord a good friend, but his habit of radically altering her biology for his own amusement was growing rather tiresome as far as she was concerned
[3] which, to Fluttershy, meant dozens of animals of various species running around and playing together under the watchful eye of the personification of Chaos, which just goes to show that “normal” is something of a meaningless term to the denizens of Ponyville.
[4] It turns out it was already there when Twilight moved in. The less said about the previous librarian, the better.
[5] While a critically endangered species in most parts of the multiverse, the living ball of friendship’s bliss seems to thrive in Equestria. Some of the multiverse’s top scientists are currently researching why this might be the case.
