When Divinity Just Won't Cut It

by BlimpAtomic

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Celestia, Sex, Twilight Sparkle, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Romance, Original Character, King Sombra, Adventure, Discord
Length: 8249

Pure energy in the hooves of a dark mage. What could possibly go wrong?

"A being of pure arcane energy. No limits, no boundaries. Unstoppable, until it was chained up in Tartarus. I suppose that's still fair game, right?"

There are still those in Equestria who dare to practice the "dark magic" as it is known. Their power is legendary. Unbridled power is theirs to control, but nothing with which to use it. I suppose that's why they opened a pit to Tartarus.

1. The sex is implied. No clop for you. 2. This is written in first person. I don't write in this person much, so gimme a chance. 3. Ever read The Catcher in the Rye? Because in that case, this character is Holden Motherfucking Caulfield minus the depression and bullshit. So, yeah. Cursing. Yeah...

Published 2014-01-12 22:40:08 UTC
Last updated 2014-03-03 02:20:34 UTC

Meetings in the Dark

I sat alone in the dimly lit library, my fiery-orange fur lined with sweat and my thick, charcoal hair covering my eyes. I pored over a book, narrowing my eyes as I read every line over and over, constantly in search of something I'd been unable to find. Dammit, dammit all, I thought as my brain grew weary and my eyes fell shut.

Once upon a time, someone did something stupid. Very, very stupid. Surprisingly enough, this was Discord. The maniacal, immortal slimebag that had caused havoc in the world for as long as it had existed. For living as long as he had, he had grown so bored. There was very little to do, having already done everything there was to do. So he played God, creating something so immensely powerful that even he had little to no control over it. Its very existence was a contradiction. Discord created pure energy. This is the first of a series of fuck-ups by Discord.

We know that energy cannot be made or destroyed. Rather, it's converted between various forms. But do you really think Discord cared? Of course not! He enjoys nothing more than sticking his hideous tongue at any and all laws of the universe. Anyway, what he created was not alive. But it had a being, if that is to justify my point. In fact, upon the minute of its creation, it took to immediately destroying the area around it. That being said, it was created as only a tiny amount of energy, but because energy has no real mass, nor does it take up a certain amount of space, its size fluctuated easily. It had no control over what it did, bolts flying everywhere from it. Its body, if you will, was textured something akin to space and our concept of what electricity would look like. Sparks constantly flying, it rampaged across the world. With nothing to stop its infinite power, it seemed that the world would come to an end.

All things must come to an end, of course, but it was not yet the world's time. Our beloved Star-Swirl the Bearded cast a spell on it, magically sealing it in Tartarus. The seal itself was put into the guardian of Tartarus, assuring absolute safety. History was recorded, and time passed in such a way that little was remembered about it. Immortality does not come with great memory, but Discord never forgot what he'd done. He didn't feel bad about it, no. He was scared. Truly, undeniably scared. If something of such incredible power could be free once more, he knew that his little games would be over. Discord was no longer playing pranks and breaking physics. He was dabbling in the affairs of the universe, and that was something he didn't trust himself with.

More terrifying yet, unbeknownst to Discord, was the possibility of what is known as essence binding. For a brief time, Star-Swirl the Bearded had transferred his being into the body of energy. Now, as a comparison, we've all seen some sort of movie where we've given something mechanical free will. I, Robot for example. Multiply that by at least 200, and you can see what this was like. On its own, the energy was undoubtedly a threat on the world. However, its damage came from it merely existing. With Star-swirl's knowledge of magic and his complete control of it, it could have been the end of everything. You simply can't give something like that any sense of free will. Sure, it may not have been its own, but imagine if somepony else had found that first! Star-Swirl left almost immediately, also afraid of the power it had. He refused to let his own morals direct something like that.

Discord did not want this great failure of his to be remembered, but such things were already written down. Rather than try and track down this information, he decided that it'd be better to make sure no one but the damned could get to Tartarus. And when you're dead, you really aren't gonna do much. Essence binding wasn't that common either, but it was certainly used a lot more than a spell like the one Discord made. He wrote down his spell for getting to Tartarus and kept it inside of him. He was immortal, and in case he needed it for whatever reason, he'd still have it. I could explain all the ways in which this could go wrong. But in short, I'll just say: Discord done goofed. This is the second way Discord fucked up.

And last but not least, to put the icing on the fucking cake of slaughter and chocolate, Discord once again fucked up. And by Discord, I mean reproduction. By reproduction, I mean my parents. And by my parents, I mean Sombra and...well I have no fucking clue who my mom was. When you've got a crazy love for dark magic, an empire, and way too much ambition, you just don't make a child. Nothing good comes of it. Sorry dad, but you fucked up. Some wonder child, huh?

"At this again?" I quickly opened my eyes, taking in everything around me. A little puddle of drool had formed where I'd been resting my head. Rose quietly walked in wearing the traditional black cape of the Tower. You see, we live in this kinda establishment meant mostly for the studies of magic. Dark magic, if you're gonna be a nitpick. I greeted her with a quick kiss, then looked back down at my work with her taste still fresh on my lips. Damn she was beautiful. Ya ever see one of those mares where they're more cute than they are sexy? Yeah, that's what this is like. Akin to her name, her mane was like a red-scarlet kinda color, and it went really well with her creamy white skin. She looked like the moon, but on fire! She put her foreleg around me as she started reading, her dark eyes scanning everything.

"You know I can't pry away from this kind of stuff. Been trying to, but it ain't letting me." She gave a little smile, but her eyes were concerned.

"I know, Flare, but this is getting out of hoof. You don't even know if it's true or not." She was right on that, but I was always the superstitious little bastard. I didn't worry and all, no, but it was just one of those things.

"But if it is, then-" She cut me off, putting a hoof to my mouth. I hated that, but I wasn't gonna stop her now.

"Even if it is, there's nothing you can do about it. Haven't you already dedicated yourself to this enough?" I smiled, if only briefly. I stood on my hind legs and levitated her into the air with my right hoof, an orange aura surrounding her. She loved it when I did that. "See? Example A!" she yelled. She was almost near the ceiling, but it was hilarious. I brought her back down and went back down on all fours. "Dear Celestia, I still can't believe you did that crazy thing. You lost so much blood I had to nurse you back to health my self!" She pointed a hoof at me, trying to look upset. She couldn't hold it, though. Rose was too damn cute to be threatening. She broke her frown and smiled as I kissed her again.

"I know," I whispered as I held her. "And I love ya for it." The crazy damn thing she was talkin' about was...well, what I just did. I read in this one manuscript about being able to control magic through your appendages. But you had to connect the nerves in those appendages to the main nerve between the magic node and the brain. I had fucking Ollie do it. He was the Tower surgeon, but it was a risky choice, 'cause the bastard's always drunk. Luckily, I caught him when he was sober, so he helped me out with that. He's a good guy, that Ollie. But it's hard to trust people here. You can't even trust the stuff you're fucking around with.

That's the thing about dark magic. It's just like regular magic, but it has a few twists in it that make it better. Like, you can cast certain spells that you couldn't do with normal magic. Like putting images and scenes in other ponies' heads and shit. It's pretty fucked up. Sometimes, you can't even tell someone's been messing with that stuff until out of nowhere they pull out this dark aura that just blows you away. Big shot Canterlot jackasses have been studying it for awhile, but they won't use it unless absolutely necessary. The bunch of cowards are scared of it. In the North here, we've already taken it in. In fact, we're not far from Canterlot. But anyway, we've been pretty much rejected from towns and shit because we practice this stuff. It's a shame, but we're gonna do it anyway. You can either let it happen, or you can just delay the inevitable. Rose smiled a little bit before I let her go.

"Now look, let's just get some sleep already, alright?" she said as she grinned coyly. "If you behave, I might just show you something new I've been working on." I knew where this was going, and so did my little buddy.

"Yes ma'am!" I saluted before trotting up the stairs behind her. Dammit Rose, I'll never get tired of you. You're just too much fun.

Author's Note

And...here...we...go.

Ambassador of Nothing, Author of Destruction

One of these days, I'm going to have to beat Celestia's face in. Her stupid fucking sun is too damn bright sometimes. With that and Rose pushing me to get up, it was gonna be one helluva day.

"Cm'on, you know who you're meeting with today, right?" I fell back onto the bed, eyes half shut looking at her.

"If you can give me one reason I give a fuck about them, I'll get up."

"Equestrian Ambassador."

"Mother fu-"

Discord stood in front of Celestia, a scowl of disapproval taking the place of his usually cheeky grin. The throne room was impressive, he had to admit that, but it wasn't a lot of fun. Just a pile of stained glass and red carpet. Nothing special.

"Listen Tia, I know my end of the bargain has yet to be fulfilled, but do I really have to go there?" he sneered. She smiled a little, but she was hiding a stone-cold glare underneath it.

"I like them as little as you do. But I have scheduled meetings with Cadence and Shining Armor as of late, and I need someone to handle this." Discord yawned, stretching his arms behind his back and forming a seat out of them, which he promptly sat on.

"Send one of the dozens of nobles and bureaucrats. They can do this as easily as I can, if not better." Now it was Celestia's turn to scowl.

"I could, but there's a reason I'm sending you," she said as she paced around him. "Are you aware of why?"

"Because you secretly still hate me, even after my 'great conversion', as you call it?" She gave quite the appropriate facehoof.

"I don't trust the nobles. They'd do anything to get out of the hell that is their job. If I send one, they're not coming back. Secondly, I trust you." Discord almost burst out laughing, to which Celestia frowned. "I know it seems funny, but you wouldn't do anything too stupid. You like this little game we have going, where we each hate each other but won't kill the other because they're just too much fun." She was right on that; Discord really didn't want to kill her. If he did, well, that would have happened eons ago. "And yes, the bargain. You will serve me, and I make sure you don't end up in a stone coffin again, alright?"

"You make it so hard to like you. Fine. I'll do it." She smiled.

"Good. We wouldn't want those little magicians finding out about your big screw-up, now would we?" She...she knew, Discord thought. She knew!? Of course she knew. That bitch. Before he could respond, her horn was already shining in that familiar yellow glow. "Adios," she quipped, a goofy grin on her face.

"Oh you bi-"

POOF!

"Dammit..."

God of chaos? For such a crazy sounding guy, he was such a serious bastard. And he kept staring at me, like I'm some sort of painting in an art gallery. Stupid shit creeps me out.

"Good to see you." You could see the sarcasm dripping from his voice. I leaned back in my chair. It was alright to get comfortable here. We were the only two in the room, and it's a pretty big room. The meeting hall isn't used much, but when it is, oh man, you know it's some real shit. I yawned.

"Yeah, yeah. Save the sarcasm, we couldn't care less about each other, so let's just get down to it." Discord smiled.

"Fair enough. Celestia needs your consent for something." I raised an eyebrow, my hind legs propped up on the giant marble table.

"My consent? What in the fuck does she want my consent for?" He laughed. It wasn't one of those sincere laughs. It was a laugh where somepony just called you a dumbfuck and you're agreeing with it. That's the type of laugh.

"I don't know why she needs your consent, but it's about your dad." I stared at him, my eyebrows furrowing. I took my hind legs off the table and stared him right in his smug bastard face. My eyes turned emerald green for a second, flaring a bit at the sides. Ya see, when I get pissed off, that's a thing I do. It's all about my dad-no, Sombra's eyes. I don't like being associated with him.

"Alrighty then. What's it about?" My stare was making him uncomfortable. He could tell this was a touchy subject.

"Well, we've found some things that may have belong to your- I mean, Sombra. We need your consent before we start going through these things." Oh man, I loved dumpster diving. Something about finding something cool in a pile of shit is just so much fun. I nodded.

"You have my consent." He stood up to his full height, which was pretty impressive, stretched his back, and began walking out. "However," I said as he froze, "I am to come with you." Oh, I wish you could see the look on this asshole's face.

"W-what? Why?" He turned with a giant frown of disappointment and shock on his face. Not sure why he was so moody all of a sudden. I grinned.

"I've been doing my research. Come, I'll show ya." I jumped off my chair, casually exiting the meeting hall and walking down the stairs to the library, a cheeky bastard on my tail. I grabbed the book entitled Magic Through the Ages: Volume 2. Apparently the library staff couldn't give less of a shit, because it was still one the page I had fallen asleep on. The page had this picture of some giant mass of energy or something. It looked freakin' awesome, and I heard you can give it magical capabilities.

"Check it out. So there's this giant thing of energy, right?" Discord froze yet again, his eyes wide and scanning the pages frantically. This guy was starting to creep me out. "I just wanna know more about it, so I'm gonna find anything and everything about it. So that includes the Crystal Empire's public library and Sombra's personal library. Neat, huh?" I raised an eyebrow at him, his eyes still as wide as the fucking moon. "You doing alright, man?" He snapped back to reality.

"Yes, yes. I'm fine." Lying bastard was terrified. And I was lovin' it.

I knew that he created the energy. And I knew where it'd been locked up. Tartarus, the land of undead and probably some giant three-headed dog for all I knew. Thing is, one does not simply walk into Tartarus. Ya gotta be dead, and that's no fun. I'm not killing myself just to see some giant energy thing. I need to be able to work with it. And you can't use magic when you're dead. I'll be damned if Discord didn't make a way to get into Tartarus alive. He's one of those guys that will always give you some sort of trump card. That's a stupid fucking idea if you ask me, because what's the point of having so much power if you're gonna let them defeat you?

Some people compare me to Twilight Sparkle. Twilight fucking Sparkle. Who in the hell is that, and what kind of name is that? Seriously, I have no fucking clue. I heard she was a princess or something, I don't keep up with this shit. Apparently she likes books. Alright, first of all, yes, I like books. However, she reads books just to learn things. I read books that will actually help me. What's the use of learning the amount of fucking electrons in a plutonium atom? I'll never wake up and say, "Man, so great that I know this shit!" Nah, I like hooves-on things. Reading something and using it. Tonight, I was feeling dark.

Corny Joke Flare piped up as I read through the spell and its uses. "Man, you really put the dark in dark magic!"

"Next time you make something like that up, I'm finding a spell on shutting up your subconscious."

"Party pooper," he called.

"Eat a dick," I yelled back. God I hate that guy. But he's got some good ones. I read through the spell one final time. Man, this was some creepy shit. Ya ever have one of those friends who invites you over, and he's got a shitload of candles everywhere and all and he's chanting something? It's like that, but at least I'm alone. I can't stand company sometimes. Ya gotta act a certain way for everypony, and it's such a boring act. Hell, I have better conversation with Corny Joke Flare and Guilt Trip Flare than I do with some of these ponies. Anyway, I started getting on with this. I ran up to my room and sat down on the stool in front of the mirror. I shot a beam of energy at the mirror. It reflected back, enveloping my body in my own orange aura. I focused really hard, shutting my eyes tightly as I tried to travel into my subconscious. When I opened them again, oh man, it was like nothing you'd ever seen.

A wall of dark magic surrounded the area. Honestly, it wasn't that big. But what was in it, oh man. You had access to everypony's mind. Literally. You could become part of their subconscious. You could see what they were thinking. It was beautiful. I stood up shakily. That spell took a lot out of me. I slowly trotted to the one I was looking for. All of the "minds" which were just giant, empty glass tubes, were marked on the top with a name. With so many, you would think it was hard to find the one I was looking for. But no. They had a whole spot reserved for him. I guess they were afraid that his mind being too close to other minds would fuck them up or something. I came to face the humongous tube. This was stupid. Why was I doing this? I stepped into the tube, placing my hind legs against the padded backing and placing my hooves against the respective ends. Kinda like you were in a cryogenic lab or something. I looked up at the roof of the tube as I felt the energy begin to swell up. Scrawled in red ink was "King Sombra. Why are you in here, you stupid bastard?" Good question. Crazy Idea Flare said it was cool.

Author's Note

I deserve to be smacked for that horrible reference.

Powerful Parenting

"Alright, we can all appreciate the dark, but how in the fuck do you work like this?" I quipped. Wasn't sure if he could here me, but it was worth a shot. I immediately felt a wave of magic pulse towards me, which I forced back with my magic as I extended my right foreleg. Man, it was so worth it to have that surgery.

"Leave." A dark, forceful voice cut through the dark. Apparently your conscious is just this giant gray blob. Nothing in it. Just a giant, empty sack of shit.

"Nah, I'm fine. I don't suppose I could make you leave," I said. Once again, he tried to force me out with his magic, which I pushed back at. "You can face me yourself, ya know," I started again. "From what I'm seeing, you're not doing anything too much fun anyway." Dark spots formed on the floor, Sombra himself rising from them. I still had my cape and hood on, so he probably wouldn't recognize me. His eyes flared green as he came muzzle to muzzle with me.

"It's been a long time since anyone challenged my magic," he said in a commanding tone. He didn't need to be loud, just stern. "Leave, lest I blow you out of here myself." I smirked.

"You are one serious asshole, aren't you? You never fucking changed." I said. I was pushing my luck.

"I've had enough," he said as he walked away. Sombra turned fast, firing a dark bolt straight at my head. I assumed it was some sort of mind control, but it had no effect on me. When you practice dark magic for long enough, you grow a resistance to it. "Ah, so you too practice the dark arts. No matter." His horn glowed as a blade of magic formed around it. Oh man, I loved horn fighting. Rather than extending my own, I simply let him approach me. He kept getting closer and closer, until he was close enough to swing. I made a brushing sweep with my right foreleg, pushing him back with my magic as his hooves skidded on the floor. This cycle went on and on before he realized how futile it was to get close to me. "You impudent little-"

"What a way to talk," I said, cutting him off. "You need a coffee or something?" Oh man, he was really pissed.

"I'm in no mood to talk. Unless you're a figure of authority, leave," he said, his nostrils flaring. I could tell he was only using a little bit of his power, but he was definitely ready to use more of it.

"Do friends and family count?" I asked with a giant smirk on my face. Well, if he couldn't figure this one out, I was really gonna leave.

"L-legion? No, that couldn't be," he said, his eyes widening a little at the possibility. Ok, now I was confused.

"Who in the hell is Legion?" I asked, taking off my hood. The look on his face said it all.

"You. You're Legion, aren't you?" he said as he calmly approached. He wasn't trying to kill me anymore.

"Nah, I'm Flare. However, I might be able to help you find Legion, whoever the hell that is," I said, grinning like a total jackass. The guy was a lot less scarier when he wasn't thinking of all the possible ways to kill you.

"Legion was my son," he explained. "When I was first banished from the Crystal Empire, I had no idea what had become of him. He looked a lot like you."

"Ooooooooooh. Ok, so I've already found him," I said, pointing at myself.

"It's hard to swallow, but it's believable." Sombra stated as he nodded in approval. I was still on the whole name thing.

"Legion, huh? Is that what you named me?" I asked. It was kinda cool. It rolled off your tongue like honey. "Lllllegion Flare," I continued, playing around with the word. "I could get used to that." Sombra, as fucking impossible as it sounds, was smiling. The stone-cold, downright murderous son of a bitch was smiling. It was sincere too. That was amazing. I haven't seen one in a long time.

"I can't believe it," he laughed. "It's really you." I voluntarily flared my eyes, the emerald color only confirming the undeniable truth. "So," he questioned, the smile still engraved in his face, "how goes your own conquests?"

"Conquests? Why would I even consider that?" Clearly I was missing something. Did he really think I'd be an evil tyrant like him? I mean, for fuck's sakes! I grew up in a tower, not a palace.

"Why wouldn't you?" he questioned, a look of disappointment taking the place of the smile. "Perhaps you are unaware."

"Unaware of what?" I wondered aloud. He smirked a little bit, clearly eager to tell me something.

"Do you understand what you are capable of?" I shook my head. How the fuck am I gonna know what I'm capable of? There's always more to be done. He paced around me. "You," he pointed, "have immense power. I am a near god. My power surpasses that of even Celestia. The same Celestia who was defeated by a changeling with a multiple personality problem!" he spat.

"Yeah, but you got defeated by a freakin' crystal heart," I chuckled. To my surprise, he chuckled too, but it dripped with malice.

"Do you really think I was defeated by them? No, I let them win," he said as I cocked an eyebrow. "As much of an excuse as that sounds, it is true," he continued. "I am an opportunist. I had drawn the attention of an entire nation, and there was no point of staying in much longer. Better to let them think I am gone as I bide my time. But that is besides the point. You have my power, and I know you can use it." I only smiled a bit.

"Fine. So do you wanna, like, I don't know, enslave the Crystal Empire again or something? Now, maybe?" I implored.

"No, no," he shook his head. "Give it time. For now, go, and prepare yourself. I'll call upon you some day."

"Sounds like a plan, boss." I let him push me out of his conscious back into the tube. Great, I thought. Now I've got moral problems.

It's funny, ya know? You can't talk to your damn parents about anything without some sort of conflict coming out of it. I still can't figure out why I went in there to begin with. I really need somepony to talk to, honestly. Everyone I know is some sort of asshat who couldn't have a real conversation with you if you pointed a spear in his face. Rose is cool, but she can be such a fucking pushover. I mean, she'd agree with me on anything. I'm not even joking. I turned to Sombra when I needed a conversation. What in the hell is wrong with me? But, if that was my only option, whose fault is it? And it's weird, man. The more and more I thought about it, the more and more l liked Som-no, my dad. Yeah, my dad is pretty fucking awesome.

Off the Rails

Train rides are long, incredibly dull, and stupid as fuck. But when the best thing you have in terms of a vehicle is an expensive magic carriage, I'll take the stupid train. I'm made of flesh, not bits. I stood on the platform, my singular gray suitcase lying on the floor next to me. The station was small, which was no surprise. The Tundren Station is hardly used at all, considering that a whopping 2,000 ponies live in this town. Tundren isn't far from our ice-born Tower, so at least that's a plus.

Smoke filled the scarlet evening sky as the locomotive approached. Luna's moon began to rise above the mountains, being blocked out only by the giant blue and grey train parked by the platform. The wheels stopped with a hiss as voices began murmuring and ponies trotted to the train.

"All aboard for Canterlot!"

I quickly darted into the first set of doors I could find. I held my ticket up to my eyes. It read "Sleeper Car A, Bed 6." The car I was in had red writing on the far wall, which read "Car O." Fuck. I made my way to the other end of the car, pushing through the set of doors into Car N. Snobby assholes lined every seat. Gotta part the seas, man. Part the seas. My orange aura created two walls of magic on either side of me, pushing away anyone who dared to move. I received a few grunts here and there and one "Why, I never!" from some old bitch with a giant purple hat on. It looked so stupid I wanted to chuck it out the window right there. Refraining myself, I pushed through doors until I finally reached my bed. It was a light brown and a rather small bed, but it looked pretty comfortable. I chucked my shit under the bed and practically dive-bombed under the sheets. They had a blanket and everything too, and I got to stare at the scenery since they had a window right where I laid. Because the mountains of North Equestria are unforgiving, we were gonna take the long way around through the Canterlot Flats. And I really needed my sleep. I was gonna talk to two princesses and a weird asshole soon enough.

I lay in my bed, the night sky starting to set in. I couldn't sleep, as I expected. Too much to think about, and there was never enough time to think about it all. I brushed my charcoal mane out of my eyes and peered out the window. Man, it looked great. The Flats were really beautiful, especially in the summer, as it was now. It was basically one giant grassland, but it just looked so peaceful. I'd have to visit them by myself some time. Patches of soil sprouted tall blades of grass, while others yielded large oak trees and bushes. A few buffalo roamed around, prodding at the grass with their snouts. I was actually a little scared for a moment. The last encounter a train had had with buffalo was pretty dangerous. I mean, it was just for a freaking tree, but I didn't trust them for some reason.

That's a problem with me. I can hate your guts for no reason at all. I can just look at you and think about how many ways you can torture somepony before they give in. And I can't explain it. The more I looked at the buffalo, the worse I felt. Not about my problems, but about theirs. Every year they got pushed farther and farther off their land in the Flats. They negotiated with us ponies, deals were made, and peace was preserved. Of course, the deals were never kept, and the Equestrian Army pushed farther inland. And they took it! The buffalo didn't decide to lose their cool, to say enough was enough. No, they let it happen. It almost made me cry as I lay there. What had they done wrong? The minute a deal I make goes awry, I blow my shit and let loose the dogs of war, because no one fucks with Legion Flare. But this was different. They were the lightning rod here: the group that let things happen to them without retaliating. They went about their meaningless lives, surviving and feeding their young and taking shelter in the Tundren Caves when it got cold. They lived merely to live. They didn't ask for life. They didn't question it either. The buffalo took what life gave them and that was that. So why did we have to make it harder on them? My head seethed in anger. I would've burned a hole in the window with my glare if it wasn't for the incoming call from none other than Rose.

I closed my eyes and let my mind open up. Soon I heard her voice ringing in my head.

"Forgot to call me?" Shit.

"Fuck, yeah, sorry about that," I whispered. "Fell asleep way too fast," I lied. I couldn't help it. At least it made sense.

"Then I'm assuming you also forgot to make reservations at Canterlot Castle too, didn't you?" Every day she sounded more and more like my secretary, but I liked it. I'm a busy stallion.

"Yeeep." I could practically hear her facehoofing.

"I'll call them really quickly and see if we can get you something there."

"No, no," I calmly said. I felt really peaceful now for some reason. "I'll find something else, they don't need my stupid shit right now."

"If you insist." She immediately dropped the stern secretary voice. "Just, please be careful there. Love you dear."

"Love you too, Rosie." I smiled a bit as I ended the call with my magic and sealed my mind off. Magic calls: one more reason that being a unicorn is always better. The other races can bite my furry orange ass.

We pulled into Canterlot Station in the dead of night. My brain hadn't allowed me a second of sleep, which sucked considering I had nowhere to go. I wearily shuffled out of the train carrying my bag behind me. This station was huge, and it was alive, even at an hour like this. The giant central plaza was filled with assholes in suits and tourists in floral shirts with huge fucking cameras. The station looked great, but I could hardly tell where I was going. I trotted through the narrow tunnels and up some concrete stairs, stumbling out on some dark-lit street. The moon still shone brightly, but I couldn't see shit. Large penthouse apartments and borderline palaces lined the cobblestone streets. The city was beautiful, but it made you feel like shit since you knew you were way too poor to live there.

I wandered around for awhile, gazing at everything like I was in a museum or something. I lounged on a pine green bench and dropped my suitcase behind it. This'll do for a bed, I thought. I took off my cape and draped it over the back of the bench. I got a bit more comfortable and tried going to sleep again.

"You come here often?"

I nearly shit myself. I turned towards the voice on my right. Man, this poor guy. He was clearly homeless. He smelled like a cesspool with his dark brown mane and light gray fur. Little patches of dirt and grime mottled his coat, which was unkempt and disgusting. Did this guy not bathe at all, or was he beyond caring at this point? If cleanliness is next to godliness, then this stallion was Satan himself. His wild green eyes scanned me over, and my hoof went immediately to my bit purse. He looked innocent enough, but even "the greatest city in Equestria" had to have its share of street trash. When he took no action, I relaxed a bit more, although a bit disturbed at his sudden appearance.

"Uh, no," I said in the calmest voice I could muster. This guy was really unsettling, even if he hadn't done anything.

"Yeah?" he grunted. He had a really deep and stern voice. "Thought as much." He turned away, closing his eyes. Guess he was trying to sleep too. But I couldn't take my eyes off of him. He looked atrocious, sure, but he was just so...I don't know, captivating? I couldn't explain it, but he was just so chill with everything around him. Is this the results of not giving a fuck anymore? I need to try that. He opened one eye and I turned away, pretending to sleep. "You got something to say?" he asked sleepily. He seemed friendly enough about it, so I decided a conversation wouldn't hurt.

"Name's Flare. You?"

"Jade," he said. He was wide awake now. "I must look pretty good, eh?" He gave me a smug look.

"You're a fucking model," I said sarcastically. He was a good sport about it, so we both had a little laugh. "I don't know, man. Didn't think there'd be homeless in this city."

"Of course there are. You kiddin' me?" he asked, cocking an eyebrow.

"No, I really thought there wouldn't be. I mean, Celestia runs this city herself. Thought she'd care more about us, ya know?"

"Pfft," he chuckled. "Hell no. She keeps her eye on the power, and if that means making the rich powerful, then that's what she'll do." I was a bit shocked at his conclusion, but he sounded like he knew his shit.

"Man, that's gotta suck ass," I sighed. "Life must suck for you, huh?"

"Not too bad," he replied. "What about you?"

"I don't do too much. Kinda involved in dark magic and shit like that." I expected him to leave at that, but he stayed. That was nice. We're shunned pretty much all across Equestria.

"Cool," he nodded. "But tonight, you're worthless." I wanted to beat him upside the head for that one. I was about to, but I stopped. He wasn't completely wrong. "All alone on a warm summer night, sitting on a park bench trying to sleep," he continued.

"In that case, none of us are anything much, huh?" I asked.

"Yep," he nodded. "It's all about how you take it. So, how will you take it?" I looked at him, the same calm look he had plastered on this whole time leaking into my own expression. He gazed off into the night sky.

"I'll just deal with it," I said as he smiled.

"There ain't a better way," he said as he turned away. I closed my eyes and started to think. Now I knew why he was so interesting. The fucker shouldn't have been so happy. I was tired of seeing punching bags everywhere I looked. Did no pony at all bother to care anymore? Jade was swell and all, but it looked to me like he gave up a long time ago. But no matter what, as I fell asleep on that damned bench, he was right. We're all the same, festering pile of shit.

Meeting the Co-Workers

I lazily opened one eye, letting the sun pour into my vision. I wiped the drool from my mouth and stretched out my aching back. Sleeping on hastily built benches is never good for your body. It's a shame reservations at the castle were not only expensive, but often came with a private talk with Celestia. After all, not just anypony lives in that giant fucking building.

To my surprise, I'd woken up to find that all of my luggage was still there. I was so certain that Jewel or whatever his face was would have taken it. You can't trust street filth. I say that loosely, considering I fell asleep next to one. But what can you do when you refuse to make reservations ahead of time? Nothing.

I flung my bags onto my back and looked around like a lost child. I had no idea where I was or what I was supposed to do. Canterlot was a big city, and I couldn't tell east from west in this shit. Turning around, I received the biggest "fuck you" imaginable. The castle, in all its purple and golden gilded glory, sat not more than a mile away from me. It was really tall and impressive, and it looked really sturdy despite the color scheme. Purple for a castle never struck me as a good idea. Guards in shimmering bronze armor patrolled around the marble gates. No expressions, no feelings, no worries. I couldn't tell if they were bored or if they were trained to look that dull. I readjusted my mane with my free hoof and took one last peek at the guards. Time to introduce myself.

There were laws. And then there were magic laws. I only felt like ignoring one set of these at a time. When I felt the cold metal of spears cross my chest, I only had one thing in mind.

"Sir, do you have a summons from the Princess?" one of the two guards asked.

"Yes," I smiled, "but not on hoof. Is that gonna be a problem?"

"I'm 'fraid so."

"Adorable." With a wave of my hoof, the two dropped dead. And by dead, I mean asleep. It's illegal, as are most useful spells in Equestria, to put anypony to sleep using magic. But it was my favorite spell. "Sleep tight, assholes," I spat as I pushed through the castle gate and up onto the main entrance. Pushing through that, I found myself stopped by more guards. Apparently they need confirmation from their buddies outside to allow subjects in. I glanced at the two guards before sighing. "This is gonna be a long day."

"Princess, you don't need to worry for me so much. I know it's been tough on my own, but I have to get used to it eventually," Twilight said, standing next to Celestia as she sat on her throne.

"I suppose," she replied, raising a hoof to her chin. "You've done well with everything I've given you." And she was right. Twilight and her group of friends had fought off tons of things. An evil sister, the embodiment of chaos, a heartless king, and a giant dragon, just to name a few. Why should she think otherwise of her brave student? Because fuck all, that's why! Celestia reconsidered her thoughts for just a second before giving a concerned look to her prized student. "However, this particular pony is...well...different."

Twilight laughed. "Princess, I think-"

"Celestia. You don't have to call me Princess anymore," she smiled. It was a strained one though, as she'd grown tired of explaining it to her for the billionth time.

"Right," Twilight said as she smiled sheepishly. "But anyway, I'm sure it's no problem. How bad could it be?"

THUD!

The solar princess could nearly smell the irony of that last statement. The sound came from outside the doors to the throne room, followed by the clanging of metal and a quick sigh. Two more thuds came soon after. Celestia looked abruptly to her sister, who merely shrugged, and then to the two guards in front of her.

"Ace, Lithis," she sighed as the two guards stood stiff and put their right hoof to their heads in a salute. "Go see what that's about." The two rushed out of the giant doors. "Now Twilight, about this pony, he's probably not that bad. But I want you to-"

THUD! THUD!

CLANG! CLANG!

Celestia muttered a curse under her breath, her eyebrows narrowing in total exasperation. As if on cue, the doors bucked open, at which the two stallions guarding it immediately crossed their spears in front of the intruder.

THUD! THUD!

Celestia gave a look at the colt before her, one of exasperation and defeat.

"All this trouble, just for me?" The orange pony asked with a giant smirk on his face. "Oh, you shouldn't have." Twilight looked at Celestia, searching for an answer. She glanced back, and quickly glared at Flare.

"This, Twilight. This is what I was talking about."

I'm a pretty rugged colt. I'm not proud of many things, whether I did it, you did it, or some god did it. And I have no problems expressing my distaste of your utter bullshit. But! There are few moments in my life that I'll ever cherish as much as this one. No, no, just wait! The look on their faces, man! I felt like I just made a really bad joke, and rather than a sarcastic laugh, I got the "Fucking wow. Did he really just do that?" reaction.

Twilight turned to face me, a look of confusion and determination on her face. I guess she didn't like me due to her mentor's reaction, but that couldn't be helped. Celestia, however, took a more forward approach.

"I should have you arrested. I really, really, should," she said, tentatively facehoofing as I burst into laughter. The three princesses all glared at me as I finally quieted down.

"Ok, ok. Whatever. Ya know, that spell only works on idiots," I replied, bonking my hoof into my forehead. "Are they all empty up there?"

"Luckily," she said, ignoring my last statement, "I won't." She glanced out one of the giant stained glass windows of Twilight and her friends stopping Discord. It was still pretty early in the morning, and she needed to get this out of the way as fast as possible.

"I'll see that you get to your room," she continued, "and you'll meet us back here by noon, if not earlier." I nodded in agreement, looking at Luna to see how positively pissed she looked. Twilight was just confused, but Luna was nearly fuming. I can imagine that in her time, divine respect of the princesses was demanded, which would make sense. But now was different. And the situation of a total asshat like me just barging into the castle putting every stupid fucking guard to sleep was not lost on her.

"Alright then," I said, clopping my hooves together. The two guards in front of the room opened their eyes groggily and stretched out, only to blush deeply after finding out where they were. "They're all up now," I said quietly to Celestia. "Have fun explaining that." If looks could kill, man. If looks could kill.

Author's Note

Welp, I haven't been here in a looong time because my computer had broken down. I see this chapter as more of a placeholder than anything before any real plot happens. But I am here. And I am alive. Also changed the name because I don't see why not.

The Reasons We Can't Have Nice Things

For somepony that I thought personally hated me, Celestia really went all-out in making me feel comfortable here. I noticed it from the minute I walked into the guest room lobby. Right. The lobby. There's an entire section of the castle dedicated to guest rooms. And it is beautiful. It smelled like lemons and a little bit of rich chocolate. White marble columns sprang up from the polished oak floors. A stainless steel elevator in the corner of the room was quietly buzzing while a stallion in a tuxedo played a giant ivory piano in the other corner. It was amazing, and I couldn't think of what to say. I actually stood there for a few seconds completely dazed by everything I was seeing before a cute beige mare with a brown ponytail called me over.

"Mr. Flare, sir?" Oh I loved that. I almost asked her to say it again.

"At your service," I replied, doing a little bow, at which she giggled.

"Official business here?"

"Recovery of official documents and research regarding the Crystal Empire," I said as professionally as possible.

"Your room is 406," she said as she handed me the light blue electronic key. "Enjoy your stay!" I merely nodded and headed to the elevator.

And then, modern things. For as ancient as the castle looked on the outside, the inside was as good as a Manehattan penthouse. Glass windows, hard granite floors, and other luxury things were everywhere. Is this what it felt like to be an elite? Because it was feeling good. I threw my stuff under the bed and looked at the time. 11:30. I still had some time to dick around. After all, when somepony says "at noon" or any specific time, it never happens until about 15 minutes after. I sat on the bed, wondering what there was to do around such a giant empty place. I could put more guards to sleep, but that got old after the third guy. I glanced at myself in the mirror and found myself staring back, my robe still in good shape. Then, another idea.

"I really shouldn't," I said briefly.

"You know you're going to anyway."

"Fuck you. Get out of here."

"I can leave just as easily as you can swim across the ocean."

I sighed. "I don't wanna see him again. I'm cool with him, but not right now."

"You're such a fucking let-down. To both him and I."

Before I could retaliate, Guilt Trip Flare had drifted away into some god-forsaken region of my brain. I sighed. I wasn't going to do it. Fuck him. I wasn't. I didn't feel like seeing my dad again. It just wasn't convenient right now. I looked at the time. 12:01. I got my sorry ass up, hoping to every goddess and princess I knew that Celestia wasn't really going for exact timing.

"...and that's why I'm late." The response meant nothing as I was glared at by two irritated princesses and one giggling draconequus.

Author's Note

Short chapter, but I'd like to say this is just filling the gaps in between more significant plot events. I'll see to it that this doesn't happen that often.