"Just to let you know, Sparkle, I can't feel my tail anymore."
"Square cube ratio says that the areas with the least volume in comparison to the surface area will lose the most heat first. So that's probably why."
"Must you describe our impending doom with mathematical equations? Ugh, my last few minutes of existence and I have to listen to logic. And math."
"We're not going to die. We're going to find the portal. It's got to be near here."
"We are in semi-total darkness and the temperature is so far below freezing I expect the oxygen to start crystallizing any moment now and I don't know about you but I don't think I have any magic left. Or body heat. So I can't help but think your optimism's misplaced."
"But when we get close to it, we'll feel its magic. We don't need to have our own to find it. And when we touch it, we should be able to activate it, and get home. Where it's warm."
"My tail will still be frozen."
"You can regenerate your tail. We can heal anything if we live through it. I'm more worried about Spike."
"He's a dragon. He'll just go to sleep and outlive both of us."
"There's no magic in this dimension. He won't survive either. And he's a reptile. Without magic to generate his heat, he can't just make body heat like we can."
"Speak for yourself. Or did you forget that the tail I can't feel anymore is also draconic?"
"At least some parts of you can make body heat. You can survive losing your tail."
"I might be better off if I did. You don't happen to have a knife or sword, would you?"
"Why exactly would I have something like that?"
"No reason. I forgot that you put all of your trust and faith in abstract concepts like Harmony and Friendship and it never occurs to you to bring weapons into a dangerous situation. How is that working out for you, by the way?"
"I didn't see you bringing weapons either."
"I have claws."
"How are they working out for you?"
"I can't feel the talon either. The paw is just in agony every time I step on it. I can't help but think I really shouldn't have taken your advice about going four-legged."
"If you think you're cold now, imagine exposing your entire torso to the wind here. I know your forelimbs aren't built for walking on ice without magic to keep you warm, but you could survive losing all four of them better than you could survive losing all the heat from your core body."
"Except for the part where if I lost all four limbs I couldn't keep wandering through this Tartarus-damned ice plain looking for this mythical portal with you, and without your magic it's hardly as if you could carry me."
"I don't know, maybe I could make a travois and drag you."
"With no magic. Or tools. Or anything to make a travois out of since there's nothing around here but ice."
"At least you don't keep slipping on the ice."
"Yes, do be careful and don't break your leg. They shoot ponies who break their legs here."
"Who do?"
"The sentient denizens of this world. Who don't live anywhere near here because this region of their planet is far, far too cold for them. Or us. Whose brilliant idea was it to manufacture this portal again?"
"Whose brilliant idea was it to go through it?"
"I'm only a quasi-immortal ancient spirit of chaos. You're supposed to be a genius, genius. Nopony expects me not to do something stupid."
"I'm sure Princess Celestia is really mad at me and when we get home she's going to yell at me and send me back to magic kindergarten and right now I don't care. She could banish me to the moon. I bet it would be warmer."
"She could turn you to stone."
"I think that would be warmer."
"Yes, you'd be correct. When you stop feeling body parts because they're stone, they feel like stone, not ice. Right now I am turning to ice. I would honestly prefer stone."
"I'm sorry."
"Actually maybe not."
"Maybe I'm not sorry? I am sorry!"
"No. Maybe I like this better. Once I turn to ice I'm fairly sure I won't be conscious anymore. I'm a little surprised I'm still conscious now. And if I'm frozen and I'm not conscious, at least I won't be..."
"Lonely?"
"I was going to say bored."
"And lonely."
"That would ruin my reputation. If I were you, I wouldn't expect me to admit to something like loneliness unless I was fairly certain I was about to die."
"Just keep moving. The portal can't be that far away."
"Did I mention I can't feel my tail?"
"Several times."
"Oh. Well, I can't feel my dragon paw, either. Or my talon."
"You're still walking on them so it can't be that bad."
"Just warning you. If they suddenly buckle out from under me I won't be able to get up again."
"You have to. I can't lift you."
"Of course not. If I can't go on you leave me here, idiot. What do they teach them in school these days?"
"I'm not going to leave you."
"That's touching, but stupid."
"I don't have enough power to activate the portal by myself. If I leave you behind I can't go home. And since I don't see any cottages around here with friendly aliens ready to invite me inside for a cup of tea..."
"Hot cocoa."
"What?"
"As long as we're imagining friendly aliens inviting us in and feeding us, let's imagine hot cocoa. Lakes of hot cocoa. Hot cocoa springs bubbling up from under the ice."
"I will never say this again for the rest of eternity, but right now, I like the way you think."
"Swimming in hot cocoa."
"You could do that. When we get home."
"Yes, after flying monkeys with glowing faces and big white pegasus wings descend from the heavens singing to us."
"They could sing Winter Wrap Up. And make all the snow melt."
"And then Celestia would come through the portal and fire rainbow sunbeams at us. Which don't turn us into stone."
"No. They'd just be sunbeams. And then she could come swimming with us in the hot cocoa."
"Floating on an island of cake. Until she eats it all and sinks."
"Even in your fantasies, you're mean."
"Disharmonious to the end, my mare. Promise me you'll have them put that on my tombstone."
"Since I can't open the portal without you, what makes you think I can have anypony put anything on your tombstone?"
"Oh, I don't know. Once I collapse you could probably cut my body open and stick your little dragon inside me to keep him warm with what remains of my body heat, and then you'd be able to make better time and possibly find that portal."
"A, that's disgusting and where do you even get these ideas, and B, did you forget the part where I don't have a knife?"
"Just saw me open with your horn."
"That's gross. Can we get back to the hot cocoa fantasies? I liked them better."
"I'm serious, Twilight. I can't keep going much longer."
"Neither can I."
"You're not carrying half your body mass as reptilian deadweight."
"I am carrying reptilian deadweight. He's just not half my body mass."
"You could leave him behind."
"You just want me to scream at you and threaten to hit you, don't you?"
"I admit it, the disharmonious energies of your rage might keep me going another thirty seconds or so."
"One hoof in front of the other, Discord."
"I only have one hoof. Ironically I think it's the only limb I have I can still feel."
"The portal can't be much farther."
"It could be, actually. It's dark, there are no landmarks, we have no magic to navigate with and this isn't our world. We could have passed the portal entirely."
"The compass says we're still going north."
"..."
"Why are you chuckling like that?"
"This is a south polar continent, Twilight. Every direction is north."
"Oh."
"Still think we're going to get home?"
"...If I give up here, it's not just me. Spike will die. He's counting on me."
"Ah, the magic of friendship. When you absolutely, positively have to be wracked with agonies of guilt before you die because you know your death is a failure and dooms your friend to go down with you."
"That's very cynical for a guy who gave up being evil because of friendship."
"Why do you think I'm so glad it's you with me here and not Fluttershy?"
"You're sweet, Discord."
"I do try."
"I think I can feel it up ahead. Can you feel it?"
"Can't feel anything."
"Maybe if we get closer."
"No. I mean I can't feel anything, Twilight. I'm done. I can't keep going."
"You have to!"
"The fact that I have to doesn't change the fact that I can't. I'm so tired. I just want to lay down and sleep."
"But you can't! You have to keep going!"
"For the record... yes. Yes, it is very, very lonely being stone. I think being ice will be much better in the long run."
"You can't give up now, Discord! I can feel the magic up ahead! The portal is there! I know it!"
"You go on without me."
"No!"
"Don't be an idiot! You can't carry me!"
"You.. gave... up! You don't... ugh... get to... tell me... what... I can't... do!"
"It's objective fact! You already have a small dragon in a sling around your neck... I'm three times your size, Twilight, you can't carry me!"
"Discord... leave logic... to... professionals... okay? You shouldn't... be trying... to make sense."
"Well, fine. Kill yourself and your baby dragon in a futile effort to save me. See if I care."
"I'm... gonna. Gonna... get... both of us... killed... trying to... save you. Unless... you... keep moving."
"Twilight. I. Can't. I'm so cold. Can't feel my tail or my wings or my legs. Just want to... sleep."
"Square... cube... ratio. Too... skinny and... long. Losing... your heat... too fast."
"I know. Put me down."
"Not... gonna."
"Put. Me. Down."
"Make... me."
"...there!"
"Yeep!"
"Twilight, skate!"
"Yaaaah—"
"Ow!"
"Spike! Spike, are you ok?"
"Ow, I'm awake! What did we just hit?"
"A big rock. Discord pushed me."
"He pushed you?"
"Because I was trying to carry him on my back. Spike, go back to sleep, it's really cold, you can't take this weather."
"Did you break a leg yet, Sparkle?"
"No, but I woke Spike up!"
"You did tell me to do that."
"Discord?"
"Hmm?"
"If you could push yourself off me hard enough to send me flying across the ice like that... you're not as tired and frozen as you think you are. You can keep going a little while still."
"Oh, you're going to be that way, are you?"
"Spike, I want Discord to carry you."
"Twi... no."
"Yes. He's freezing. So are you. If you wrap yourself around his neck and I tie the blanket around you both, you can share the remains of your dragon heat with his body warmth and keep both of you going longer."
"But what about you?"
"She's going to nobly sacrifice herself for the reptiles in the party and ensure that we all go down together, despite the fact that she's entirely fur-covered and has a much better chance at survival if she abandons us both."
"I'm not abandoning anypony! Or any dragon! Or draconequus! Or whatever! All three of us make it to the portal or none of us do, because neither you nor I will be strong enough to activate it on our own! Not on this stupid planet with its stupid lack of magic and its stupid south polar continent where everything is north and the compass doesn't work and it's all covered with stupid ice! Either all three of us make it back to Equestria or none of us do!"
"I think I'd have a tear in my eye if my eyeballs hadn’t frozen over."
"Stop whining about how cold you are, Discord, and move!"
"Yeah, what she said."
"Be quiet, little dragon, I have just enough strength to do a barrel roll."
"Uh huh. And I have just enough strength to do this."
"YOW!"
"Spike! What did you—"
"You bit me! You actually bit me!"
"Uh-huh. And the next time you fall down on the ice and decide you're just gonna die now, I'm gonna do it again."
"Barrel roll. I'm serious."
"So am I. Twi won't leave you and I'm not gonna let her freeze to death because you're a wimp."
"I am not a wimp, I am freezing. You'd be in worse shape than me if Twilight hadn't been carrying you in that blanket."
"And now I'm in better shape than you. So I'm gonna keep you alive and moving until you actually keel over dead. Because that's what friends are for."
"Friends bite you?"
"He's the perfect friend for you, Discord, don't tell me you wouldn't bite Fluttershy to keep her alive if you had to."
"I'll bite you even if I don't have to."
"You'd have to catch me first, draconequusicle."
"That could be arranged. I skate better than you."
"So do it. Move. Keep moving."
"How far away is the portal, Twi?"
"A million miles away. We'd need Celestia to banish us there."
"Don't listen to him, Spike. It's just a little farther up."
"You're simply not going to let me die in peace, are you?"
"No."
"Nope."
"Torturers. I can see why you aren't the Element of Kindness, Twilight."
"Well, I'm a dragon. I'm supposed to be mean and cruel. Now keep moving or I'll bite you again."
"I'm fairly sure the magic of friendship wasn't supposed to involve biting."
"You'd be amazed at what the magic of friendship can involve. Now keep moving! One for all and all for one!"
"I'm turning you both into wombats when we get home. Just so you know."
"As long as we can be wombats swimming in a lake of hot cocoa."
"Twi, are you feeling well?"
"No, Spike, I'm freezing to death and it's making me so delirious, Discord's fantasies about hot cocoa lakes are sounding logical and fun."
"Uh, ok, count me in then. Hot cocoa lakes are sounding good to me too."
"I won't make you one if you bite me again."
"I won't bite you again if you don't give up and lay down on the ice and decide you're too tired to keep fighting and you're just gonna die."
"I hate you both."
"Good, didn't you say disharmony might keep you alive another thirty seconds?"
"I did, yes."
"Well, if needing to hate somepony will keep you alive longer then Spike and I are perfectly happy to make you hate us."
"Right. What are friends for?"
"...Why did I think this friendship thing was a good idea?"
"Because you thought Fluttershy was really cute?"
"SPIKE!"
"What? If I can like Rarity maybe he can like Fluttershy?"
"I take it all back. This is much too entertaining for me to die now. Besides I'll never get my revenge on the two of you if I don't survive this."
"Right! So let's find that portal!"
"...you do know she has no idea where it is and we're probably going around in circles and we're almost certainly going to die, right?"
"Yeah. I know."
"Well, if you know, what did you bite me for?"
"Because if anyone's gonna beat the odds and save us all, it's gonna be Twilight, and she won't leave you behind. So I guess if we die we're all gonna die together."
"Charming."
"Have a little faith. It doesn't make any sense that Twilight could find the portal in this mess when we've been looking for so long, right?"
"Yes... that was my point..."
"So, Discord, if it doesn't make any sense how come you are arguing it can't happen?"
"...I still hate you, dragon boy."
"Still got teeth here."
"Come on, you two! Just a little farther! Let's go!"
Author's Note
The story is deliberately dialogue-only (not script or chat). It's an homage to a Star Trek story called "Cave-In", from "Star Trek: The New Voyages" (why, yes, I am displaying my age), and an experiment. If you can't figure out who's talking... well, generally speaking, for any given line there is probably only one character who could possibly be saying it. Also, until Spike wakes up, Twilight and Discord alternate, so it shouldn't get hard until he starts talking. No, I am not using color to distinguish who is speaking because that would miss the point of the experiment.
This is a one-shot. I do not know how they got to Antarctica, exactly. I do not know if they get back home. I do not know why these three, specifically, and nopony else. And at the moment I have no intention of figuring any of that out.
Aside from "Cave-In", this was also somewhat motivated by the story on this site Chryscord, in which there is a scene where Discord appears to be completely unable to handle being in the desert, biologically. This didn't really make sense to me because even without his magic, Discord's square/cube ratio suggests he ought to be able to get rid of heat pretty efficiently. So I tried to think what biome would, in fact, be more dangerous for Discord's body type than a pony's body type, and I came up with extreme cold. I have no idea why I decided that Twilight and Spike were with him. My brain just does these things sometimes.
This is totally unrelated to any of my other fics.
