>Dat Hivemind

by xTSGx

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Changelings, Comedy
Length: 5633

Chrysalis has been fired as Changeling Queen, but now the Changeling Hivemind must do something even harder than attack a shielded Canterlot filled with the weaponized love of its inhabitants: hire a new queen.

After countless failures, unkept promises, and horrendous public relations that have made changelings look like a swarm of mindless locusts, the Changeling Hivemind has fired Chrysalis as Their Queen. Now, They must choose a new queen, but in order to stop past mistakes from repeating, They decide to hold auditions and perform a thorough vetting of the candidates to find the best one.

Published 2013-12-31 12:20:06 UTC
Last updated 2013-12-31 12:20:06 UTC

The Singular Chapter

Copyright © 2013. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is owned by Hasbro. Cover image is owned by myself (but you can use it if you want). Changeling Swarm Emblem used in the cover image is owned by Emkay-MLP

Version 1.0

Published: 12/31/13

Deep underground, through the winding caves and tunnels, past the many egg sacks, far away from the stickiness of the birthing chambers, sat the Throne Cavern. The massive chamber had many “organic components.” Its walls were lined with a slick substance meant to dampen echoes and insulate. Several banners made of silk hung from the ceiling, embroidered with the emblem of the Changeling Kingdom. The Throne Cavern looked different from how it normally did, however. In place of a throne was a platform made of a waxy material and instead of only the queen's trusted advisers, the cavern was filled with drones of all occupations.

Queen Chrysalis sat in the middle of the swarm, looking smugly forward at the platform and the five ordinary changeling drones that sat upon it. She sneered at them, “You dare question my authority over the kingdom?”

The five drones spoke in unison, “We dare? Chrysalis, you are but a representative of Us for the purposes of complex interaction with the lesser species. One who has so far done an abysmal job at representing Us.”

Chrysalis snorted and rolled her eyes, “Please. I've done a fantastic job.”

The five drones stared at her flatly. Off to the right, one of the changelings watching the proceedings transformed into a gray stallion, “Those changelings are terrible. I hope the Princesses do something about them.”

One to the left turned into a unicorn mare, “Don't worry sweetie, those changelings are gone. They'll never step hoof into Equestria again.”

Another turned into a colt, “Give me my toy back or else the changelings are gonna getcha when you sleep!”

One turned into a fat stallion wearing an elaborate costume and powdered wig, “The Changeling Exclusion Act passes by unanimous vote.”

With every transformation, Chrysalis scrunched her face up in an ever more disgusted face, “You're taking this out of conte—”

Three changelings directly behind Chrysalis transformed into stallions wearing brown dress shirts, red arm bands, and waving flags with the Changeling Kingdom emblem on them. They thrust their hooves up in a salute, “Heil, Chrysalis.”

Chrysalis turned around abruptly and snarled at the three, “Enough!” All the changelings transformed back into their normal appearance. She turned back and faced the five, “I didn't see you saying a word when the plan was set in motion. You soaked it up. 'We'll have food to last generations. Chrysalis, you're a genius. Fertilize and hatch Our eggs, Chrysalis.' Where's that now?”

The five narrowed their eyes, “We have determined that short-term gains are not congruent to Our long-term objectives. If We are to survive, We must improve Our image. We must ensure that We are not to be feared. If We are loved instead of feared, then We need not worry about future food requirements.”

Chrysalis tested the acoustics of the chamber by letting out a hollow laugh, “Survive? I thought you wanted to thrive. You're content with mere survival? What a mockery. What happened to the Hivemind that dreamed of global conquest? Of turning the lesser species into what they are: a food supply. You're a disgra—”

“E͍̺͖̠̩͈̺ͩ̒͝n̠̼̺̄̆ͬ͊́ͯo̭̺͈̓͗̑͆̉ų͎̠͍̣̲̙̥͆g̦̃̃h̠͎̗͙̎̈̚!͕ͤ̾̒ͫ ” Every changeling in attendance glared at Chrysalis, causing her to shrink back, “We gave you plenty of opportunity to fulfill Our ambitions through your plans and delusions. Your failures have forced Us to adapt to the changing circumstances.”

Chrysalis crinkled her nose in disgust, “I've done great things for you. I led the Changelings into a time of great prosperity and this is my thanks? You'll regret it, Hivemind. You will regret it.”

The five drones stared down at her coldly, “Whether we come to regret this decision is inconsequential at this juncture. Your past successes cannot outweigh your recent disastrous failures. As such, Chrysalis, you're fired. The Changeling Kingdom no longer requires your services.”

Chrysalis glared at the assembled changelings, before she held her head up high, turned around, and gracefully exited the cavern. The drones sighed in relief, “That could have gone a lot worse. Now then, let Us proceed,” The five drones stood up, “Let the call spread to all, We are in need of a new queen. One who will be strong, cunning, brilliant, firm, kind, and above all else, relatively inexpensive as We wish to institute an incentive-based pay scale, as We feel it is more effective than a lump sum system which rewards failure and squanders success.”

**********

Lyra rolled over in bed, hoping to cuddle up next to Bon Bon. Sadly, the spot that Bon Bon normally lay in was vacant. Lyra opened her eyes and looked at Bon Bon, who was sitting at the end of the bed. Her ears twitched as she heard Bon Bon grumbling to herself, her teeth apparently gritted, “No. We're not going to do this. Not today.”

Lyra sat up, “Honey, is something wrong?” Bon Bon jumped up in a panic before rapidly shaking her head. This only increased Lyra's concern, “A-Are you sure? Was it that casserole last night?” Once again Bon Bon rapidly shook her head, “I won't be upset. It was the first time I tried making it,” Bon Bon only shook her head again, “C'mon Bon, talk to me. Tell me what's wrong?” Lyra reached out and touched Bon Bon's shoulder.

Bon Bon stumbled onto the floor, “We're fine, Lyra. There is nothing wrong with Us,” Bon Bon's eyes widened and she slapped a hoof to her mouth.

Lyra stiffened, “B-Bon Bon, you're worrying me. What's going on?”

“I-It's fine, Lyra. We were just looking for a new queen. Would you be interested in the job?” Bon Bon scrunched her face up and slapped herself, “W-We mean, We are currently experiencing some aftereffects from a spell of Twilight Sparkle. If you'd excuse Us,” Bon Bon stood up and walked out the bedroom door.

Lyra sat up, rubbing the sleepies out of her eyes. She stared at the bedroom door and the light coming from the kitchen. She winced when the crashing noise of dishes echoed from the kitchen followed by the strange voice that was, but wasn't Bon Bon, “Great Fay Queen above! Who left the dishes balancing precariously on the edge like that? We are most dissatisfied with the actions of this individual part of Us,” Lyra scooted to the edge of the bed to find her slippers. Bon Bon's voice took on a more adversarial tone, “Well, excuse Us for living a life that does not meet Our expectations. It's not Our fault that We were stupid enough to follow that witch.”

Lyra peered under the bed, trying to find her missing slippers, “We are in the process of rectifying the errors of Our previous queen. Which reminds Us,” Bon Bon peeked her head in the room, “Lyra, dear, does the fax machine have ink?”

Lyra nodded numbly, “Thanks. We will be home later once We have appropriately advertised the overtures of employment We wish to make,” Bon Bon cringed, “We mean, once we have contacted Twilight Sparkle.”

When Bon Bon was in a bad mood, especially when she had that look on her face, most ponies in Ponyville's Town Square knew to keep their distance. Those that dared to defy the warnings would have heard her mumbling grumpily to herself as she walked toward the town's public bulletin board.

“We hate Ourselves. Stupid queen. Stupid Hivemind. Stupid fax machine running out of paper,” Bon Bon arrived at the board, removed a flyer from her saddlebag, and tacked it to the board's cork surface. The words “Help Wanted” were visible in big, red letters, followed by the things that would make for a good queen. Management skills, love and patience, a cool head in diplomatic situations, the ability to lay and asexually hatch male eggs—you know, the basics.

Bon Bon nodded in satisfaction before turning around, a look of horror briefly flashing over her face, “Oh, no. We are not doing this,” she whispered to herself before she cleared her throat and screamed, “Citizens of this Equine settlement. A new time has come. We are seeking the assistance and employment of an individual who is capable of multiple complex tasks in the field of leadership,” Bon Bon pointed to the poster, “Please use the information provided on this visual medium to obtain the necessary contact information. We appreciate any assistance the lesser species may provide.”

Bon Bon shook her head and stared at the crowd that had assembled. Her face rapidly began to heat up and she giggled nervously, “Uh, th-thanks for listening to my—uh—street performance,” Bon Bon ran back toward her house.

“I hate Us.”

**********

The Throne Cavern buzzed with the sound of numerous changelings. Just because they didn't have a queen didn't mean things didn't have to get done. There were egg sacks to groom, tunnels to dig, nutritional slime to digest and regurgitate, and tax forms to print and send out to the Changeling Kingdom's citizens before the February 7th deadline.

Sitting upon the platform were the same five drones. Standing in front of them, staring nervously at them was a grey pegasus, “Let's see what qualifications you have,” The five drones all picked up identical sheets of paper. They furrowed their brows before returning their gaze to the pegasus, “You wrote that you have experience in the shipping and freight industry. How would that experience translate into leadership skills?”

The mare pondered for a moment, one of her eyes staring at the drones, while the other rolled around in its socket, “Well, Mr. Changeling Collective Sirs—” She gasped, “You are male, right?” She began to nervously stomp her hooves, “Oh no, I can't blow another job interview.”

“Um,” The five drones glanced at each other, “The Hivemind is neither male nor female. Individual drones usually lack reproductive organs to ensure they can transform to whatever gender is required. Grammatically speaking, referring to Us using masculine pronouns would be the most correct option.”

The mare sighed in relief, “Oh good. Anyways, my experience in shipping will ensure that proper schedules are kept. Plus, I'll be able to get discounts on freight shipping rates,” She frowned, “Well, shipping rates outside of Vanhoover. They still have that restraining order in place preventing me from getting within five hundred yards of the city limits.”

“We have little need for the ability to move cargo long distances,” One of the five pointed to the back of the cavern. There, a large green fire roared. Several changelings stood near it, squeezing several blue sacks that appeared to control the fire, “We possess an intricate teleportation system that allows for quick travel.”

The mare walked over to the fire, “Cool. If the postal service had this, they wouldn't be running a massive deficit,” She reached out to touch the flame.

“Yes, well, Our organic technology is—wait, step away from the flame! You are not properly trained and will cause a negative—” The flame leapt from the fire and ignited the mare's mane. Panicked, she ran around the throne cavern, lighting several of the walls and empty egg sacks on fire. Instinctually, she took off and flew around the room, knocking into the pursuing changelings and walls, which caused several of the tunnels to collapse. Pandemonium enveloped the room.

“I'm really sorry, Mr. Changeling Collective Sirs,” The mare looked at the ground and didn't dare make eye contact.

“It is alright. We now realize that appropriate safety warnings are required and We thank you for testing the integrity of Our tunnels.”

“B-But your injuries.”

One of the drones adjusted its eye patch, while another moved the bag of frozen peas to another lump, “Our injuries are insignificant. We will recover.”

The mare kicked the ground, “I guess I can kiss this job goodbye.”

The drones smiled diplomatically, “We will call you if We wish to schedule a follow-up interview.”

**********

“Where do you see yourself in ten years?”

The mass of blackness, filled with the horrified faces of a thousand victims writhing in agony focused on the five, “C̏ͤo̤̪̓ͧ̆͡n͎͉̹̺̿ş̪̯̮͎̪̓ͮ̀û̉̉ḿ̢̩̪̼̖͎̝̖̈́ĕ̝̣͕̤̔͜.͎̭̭̫̹͟ ̨͙̙̜̱ͯͫF̤̭͉̊̀͒̏ê͈͉̰̭͝ě̯̗͝ͅd̗̱ͣ.͚̞͙͉̪̺͛̃ͤ̀̈́̋͡ “

The five nodded, “We see. You see yourself continuing to expand your portfolio and grow your knowledge. Very nice,” One of the five jotted something down on a piece of paper, “How would you handle increasing healthcare costs? We have determined that Our individual parts will require better healthcare coverage due to an aging workforce and shortage of healthy eggs.”

The mass gurgled and groaned, “C̟͉̘͚̟̕o̴̗̤̦̩̗͊͒͛̽̏͆͒n̗͕̺͖̞̯̾̑̊͛͊ͪq͇̱̲̳͓̯̤̓ṵ̦ͦ͊er̭̭̤ͫͣͤͥͮ̚.̞͇ͭ͜ͅ ̛͖͈̬̠̻̩E͗͌҉͇̟x̷͕̌̿͊̋̂͌p̅̃ͯ̿a̤̲͚̜̦̳̮̿ͣ̔͗ͨͣ̄͡n̷̰͇͒̑̑d̴͎̋͐͂̎͒͂.̵͖̦̟̤̪̃̇ͦ̈̈ͤ̉”

The five looked to each other in approval, “Yes. A healthy recruitment drive would not only shore up Our weaker parts, but would provide Us with a fresh, outside perspective. What kind of leadership experience have you had?”

The mass twitched, “F̭̹͚ͧͫ̂̾l̳̩̘̋̑̚̕ų̤͖̘̻͔̮̻́t̙͙͕̝͈͂ͦ͑̀t͓͚͇̻ͪͅe̮̗r̼͔̪͍̞̖̂ͯ̍͑̏̒́p͋o͈n̤̺͎͚͚͚̟ͫͥ̌i̭͍̼̫̞̜͌̇̽͗̉ͮ̍͠ē̗͍̈́̏̓ͅs̱͉̝ͩ̊͐̋̃ͭ.̥̑̈́͒̂̒͘ ͪWͥͬ̏͗̌ͬͧ́e̠̩̹ä̂ͧ̆̈́̇̚҉̻k̝̱̘̥ͬ́ͯͪ͡.̵͗̑̊̓̒̅̉ ̡͍͋̓ͭ̃C̅ö̗n̶̩̻̺͇̥͈̪͌s̨̾ȕ̫̗̤m̛̙͓̭̤͎͙̽̏ͫ͋̅ͣĕ̦̳̹̣͚ͦͪͬ̊̍̀ͅd̺͎̮͇̯̄̔̒̽ͯ.̧̘̿̋̓ͩͦ͊̎.”

One of the five opened a folder and looked through it, “We are unfamiliar with the Flutterponies. How did your employment with them terminate?”

Several tentacles of the mass slithered their way toward the five, “F͙̫̍͆̿͞e̟̮̭̝̅͐ͦa̤̖͓̠̟̳̎r̴̭̽̔̋.̆̃ ̗͉͍̿ͫͦͦ̈̎̀T̰̝̖̖̮͆͆́͡e̺̭͚̤̒͑͛͟r̙̖̰̗̯̈̒ͩͥͮ̑r̙̘̥ͮ͊̋̾͐ͣo͖̍̅͑̾͐̇ͤr̜͇̫̩͌ͤ͆̚͠ͅ.̼̳̦ͅ ̛̘͖̼̬S͍̯̭͒c̬̗͂ͯͩ͌͞r̛͎ea̛̲̙̞̔ͪ̈m̨̞͈͍͑s̄ͥͅ.̣͇̺͚̪̏ͥͤ̄͂́̚ͅ ̯̗F̷͚̰̬͐̽̿̔ͯir̦̲͈̙̼̪̽̒ͯ̈́e͐͜.̀”

“Ah, so you departed on unfriendly terms. That's unfortunate. How would you handle retirement obligations for Our individual parts that have weakened beyond the point of sustained usability?”

The mass's tentacles stopped a few feet in front of the five, depositing a small brochure with the smiling faces of several old ponies on its front onto the table, “T̴̲̥̥ṛ̦̳͙̱̤̥a̻̮̞̮͈ń͈s̬i̬̭̞ti҉̝̹̜̩̥ọ͖͓̝n͙͎̗͈̻͇̩a͔͍r͈̘̟y̛̞̜̟̥̺̗ p̷̠͖̫͎̰e̙̫͎̪͓͍r̫̟͉̕i͙̮͙o̞d͈̱̰͈̰͕͙.̼̺ ̹̟͔̣͢R̨͉o̦̮̳̳̣t̝̣h̞̘͡ ̶͓͈̭I͏͉R̦̰A͉̺̬.̬̣̝̯ͅ ̸̙̜E͖̣̪̰̙ͅm̀p̰̮̱͡l̷͈̺̰͖̬̲oy̬e̻̩̫͓e̞̣̭ ̲̞̳̺̣͇͔c̤͖o̢̰͇̻̺͙͕͖n̖t̨̙͓͙r̡̘̳̬ib͓̝̹u͓̝̙̞̯͘ṯ͉͕͜í̳̘̬͉o͈̜̱͠n̸͔͓͈̮̳̹s͉̱̠.̷͓͉”

**********

“You seem familiar. We seem to recall meeting you previously.”

The white alicorn twirled her large, bushy mustache, “Of course not. I've never seen a changeling before.”

The five squinted their eyes, “Are you sure? We could have sworn that We attempted to absorb you into Our consciousness during the former Queen's botched invasion of Equestria,” One of the five pointed at the yellow sun that adorned her flank, “You even have the same marking as her.”

The alicorn glanced at her flank, “Oh, that. It's quite common. Surely your changelings have used similar cutie marks?”

Two of the five scratched the back of their heads, “Well, yes, but that is due to a lack of proper information and context on the markings. We fail to understand their purpose or necessity and so use a standard set of markings.”

The alicorn raised an eyebrow, “I see. So you're limited in your ability to use cutie marks or understand them?”

The five waved their hooves dismissively, “It is irrelevant. Those who oppose Us lack that information and so cannot use it against Us. Now, what kind of experience do you have?”

The alicorn finished scribbling something on a notebook and tucked it behind her wing, “Oh, um, I have years of experience leading a moderately sized population as their leader. I have decades in the field of diplomacy—working intimately with the Cosmic Council on matters of international security. I was instrumental in the signing of the Celestial Bodies Treaty that brought about world peace, and I was key in cleaning up Nightmare Moon's reputation,” The alicorn deposited several stacks of papers onto the table that showed off her work.

Three of the five began looking through the documents while the other two continued to stare at the alicorn, “Impressive. We require a leader who will improve Our image with the lesser species to facilitate friendly relations that will allow Us to feed without impairment. How might you accomplish that task?”

The alicorn looked over the five at the swarm, “Ponies are a fragile sort. They require delicate moves lest they become jumpy and panicked. A careful and slow process of introducing them to the finer and friendlier aspects of yourself would be the initial step. Finding an alternate food source would also be prudent, as would lessening your aggressive and xenophobic tendencies.”

The five nodded slowly, “We see. An... interesting proposal. We will call you if We feel a follow-up interview is necessary,” A pair of reading glasses appeared in a burst of green fire on one of the five as it glanced down at a sheet of paper, “Is the address of 1600 Ponsylvania Ave, Canterlot, Equestria, correct?”

The alicorn nodded, “That would be right.”

Three of the five furrowed their brows, “That address also seems familiar,” They shrugged, “It is of no major concern. Thank you, Miss Lestia.”

The alicorn smiled, “Thank you for seeing me,” She walked over to one of the tunnels and exited.

One of the five levitated a bottle of water to its mouth, “We should have followed the adviser’s warnings and outsourced to a consulting firm to handle the vetting process. It is consuming valuable resources that could otherwise be put toward better avenues,” Four of the five shook their heads, “We need to stop talking to Ourselves,” They looked toward one of the tunnels, “The next candidate may now enter.”

A dark blue alicorn walked in, “Greetings, Changeling Overmind. It is I, Princess Luna, who has come to prove my worth and cunning in leading the Great Changeling Empire to victory!”

The five chuckled, “We have not called Ourselves the Overmind in over six life cycles,” The five sighed contently at the memory, “What a time that was. Replacing the young of the lesser species and using their parents' love as Our food. If only We were still small enough to continue those ventures,” They shook their heads and looked at Luna, “We are sorry,” A look of shock and confusion swept through the five, “Wait, why is the pony Princess of the Evening wishing to become Our next Queen?”

“First, it's 'Princess of the Night,' and second, I have grown rather disillusioned with my role in the running of Equestria. Still relegated to the background. Still sitting in an empty throne room. At least there were two thrones in the old castle, but now? Sister gets her large decadent throne while I must loom over her shoulder,” Luna's face and voice grew angrier and angrier with each passing word, “Why, I wasn't even invited to my niece's wedding? Can thou believest that?! Granted, I didn't know her that well, but still.”

The five showed looks of realization, “Ah, We were wondering why We were unable to absorb your consciousness into Our own during the invasion. How would you lead Us?”

Luna grinned victoriously and conjured up a large map of Equestria, placing it on a tripod, “Unlike your predecessor, I will lead the changelings to victory. As Princess of the Night, I am in charge of the Night Guard and so know all of Equestria's secrets,” Several red arrows appeared on the map, “By positioning your forces here, victory is assured.”

The five looked at the map with dead expressions, “We have heard this before. Our previous efforts were not only futile, but have caused a complete reevaluation of Our priorities. We wish to be loved by the ponies to facilitate more efficient feeding. An invasion would only bring more fear and hatred—emotions incompatible with sustaining Us for extended periods of time.”

Luna shook her head, “Your previous leader was a foal. In her arrogance, she attempted to 'cut off the head of the snake' as it were, by invading with an obvious force. Changelings are not designed for a brute invasion. You are best suited for stealth,” She pointed at one of the arrows, which, in turn, was pointing at a large plume of smoke, “This is the Arrow Bay Nuclear Power Plant. It provides Equestria with eighteen percent of its total energy needs. By impersonating its staff and taking the facility over, you can obtain a key strategic point of interest. Furthermore, Equestrians love their electricity and love the dedicated staff who ensure they get that electricity.”

The five leaned in, “We are intrigued.”

Luna pointed to other arrows, “Crescent Moon Military Base—primary R&D facility of Equestria's military, Beating Heart Medical Campus—headquarters of the Health Institute of Equestria, Federal Reserve Bank of New Yoke—home to the largest supply of gold bullion in the world.”

The five suppressed a shudder of delight. Despite Chrysalis' failures, taking over Equestria was still the most tantalizing and tempting opportunity they had, “But what of the Elements and the Princess of Daylight?”

Luna grinned evilly, “The Elements are no more. Returned to their home in the Forest of Chaos. As for my sister. I will deal with her,” Luna snorted, “She thinks she's Equestria's main leader. She continues to neglect me. I'll show her,” She began to hover in the air, “I'll take everything from her and she'll only be able watch helplessly as her kingdom crumbles around her. I'll defeat her and stand victorious once and for—”

“Luna! What do you think you're doing?!”

Luna turned around abruptly to see the white alicorn with the mustache standing at one of the cave entrances, an incredibly peeved look on her face. Luna fell to the ground in a heap and gulped, “Uh, sister! I was just giving a job interview. Y-You know, to improve and branch out my horizons,” Celestia's face hardened and she narrowed her eyes, “It'll be great for helping—you overheard far too much for me to be able to salvage this, didn't you?” Celestia nodded, a spell building in her horn, “Horseapples,” Luna mumbled before disappearing in a teleport.

“Oh no you don't!” Celestia teleported away as well, leaving the five changelings sitting there awkwardly. Several other changelings that were in the chamber also stared.

The five looked at Luna's detailed invasion map. They glanced around before focusing their attention back onto the map. A few changelings poked their head out of the chamber and looked down the tunnels for any signs of the alicorns. Several other changelings walked up to the map nonchalantly. The five once again looked around, as if the alicorns would return at any moment. They returned their gaze onto the map, “We will retain this information for future reference,” The changelings grabbed the map and buzzed out of the chamber into a more secretive location.

“Why are We talking to Ourselves again?”

**********

The five looked down at the résumé and whistled, “Our goodness. Element of Magic, Personal Student of the Princess of Daylight, newly crowned Princess, your leadership skills successfully defended Equestria from countless threats...”

With every compliment, the purple alicorn's blush deepened. She pointed to the résumé, “Don't forget the Dark Magic. I don't want to be typecast.”

Two of the five looked down again at the paper, “Oh yes, Dark Magic. It's uses could greatly enhance Us.”

The purple alicorn giggled, “I knew that would give me a leg up over the competition. Even better, you can save on the cost of special effects.”

The five were unfamiliar with the term but didn't want to appear dumb or ignorant in front of their best shot at a Queen yet and so casually dismissed the comment, “Normally We'd ask a number of questions, but you've already proven yourself as a capable leader, so We'll skip that portion of the interview and move on to pay demands.”

The purple alicorn looked surprised, “Really? I would have thought you'd at least want me to say a few lines.”

The five looked puzzled, “S-Say a few lines?”

The purple alicorn shrugged, “You know, act.”

Two of the five chewed on the ends of their pens, “Yes, We suppose Our Queen should possess the ability to engage in subterfuge and disguise. Please, proceed.”

The purple alicorn looked at a piece of paper and cleared her throat. She then let out an airy, silken laugh, “You think you know my true power, Daring Do? This is only a taste of what I can do. Your friends are imprisoned, your pitiful tools and gadgets have been disposed of, and soon, your hope and courage will be as broken as your lover is at the bottom of the chasm,” She looked up at the five, “How was that?”

The five were unsure how to take the strange bit of dialogue, “It was very... intimidating. Your skills shall prove most useful to Us. Now about pay. We are wishing to implement an incentive-based pay scale where pay is determined by meeting certain objectives. What would be the salary range you would seek?”

The purple alicorn put a hoof to her chin, “Well, considering this is my first role and I'm mainly doing it for experience and building up a reputation, I'd say, uh, a hundred thousand bits?” She grinned sheepishly.

The five stared in shock, “A hundred thousand? Is that all?! We paid Our previous Queen over ten million bits per year.”

The purple alicorn whistled, “I heard she was a bit of a diva, but that explains the delays last year.”

One of the five wrote something down on a piece of paper, “We see no reason why We cannot offer a base salary of one hundred thousand bits and then have certain goals to be met for increased pay. That sounds reasonable, doesn't it?”

The purple alicorn nodded, “Does that mean I get the part?” She could barely contain her excitement behind her face.

The five also nodded, “Yes.”

The alicorn burst into cries of joy as she hopped around the chamber, “Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes...”

The five ignored her adorable antics and stood up, “Let the call spread to all: We have found a new Queen. One who guide and protect Us. Who will provide Us with the food We need. Who will ensure the lesser species do not harm Us. Who will lead the Kingdom of the Changelings into a glorious new era. We serve Queen Twilight Sparkle. Let all parts of Us hail and obey Queen Twilight Sparkle.”

Twilight paused mid-jump, “Um, what?”

All changelings in the Throne Cavern bowed, “Our Queen, please enter the ceremonial baths so the transformation and integration can be completed.”

The floor opened up, revealing a pool of bubbling, thick green liquid. Twilight's eyes grew wide, “No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, wait!”

The five, still bowed down, looked up at their Queen, “There is little time to wait, Our Queen, We must integrate you into Ourselves so that you may lead Us to the fullest capabilities that you can.”

Twilight backed away from the pool, “I-I think there's been a misunderstanding. This is the Daring Do movie auditions, correct?”

The five stood up, “No. This is the forum in which We—that is to say the Changeling Hivemind—have selected Our Queen.”

A snarl formed on Twilight's face, “Rainbow Dash!”

The five stared at her incredulously, “How could Our Queen mistake this forum for that of a movie audition?” They gestured around the chamber, which was filled with changelings, green slim, and even a few egg sacks, “We are even clearly changelings,” They gestured to their black exoskeletons and soulless eyes, “We made no effort to hide that fact.”

A blush formed on Twilight's cheeks, “I figured Ponymount Pictures had contracted things out to a talent agency.”

Four of the five raised their eyebrows, “Composed entirely of changelings?”

Twilight waved a hoof, “I'm not specist. Just because you guys nearly ruined my life, starved my foalsitter to death, and brainwashed my brother doesn't mean I'm going to hold it against an entire species.”

The five pointed to the ceiling, “In the capital of the Changeling Kingdom, while talking directly to Us—the Changeling Hivemind—complete with the echo-y, multi-voiced persona that We have?”

Twilight snorted, “Okay, so maybe I was a little overexcited about my audition that I ignored the finer points of it,” She started moving toward the exit, “I'm sorry for the trouble, but I have no interest in becoming the new Changeling Queen. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a villain to audition for.”

Three changelings blocked the exit, “We cannot allow this. You have already been selected as Our Queen. You already signed the contract.”

Twilight turned around in anger, “I signed no such thing!”

“It was an oral contract.”

One of the changelings transformed into Twilight and started hopping around happily, “Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes...”

Twilight moved toward another tunnel, “That was an excited utterance! You can't legally use that.”

Changelings blocked all the available escape routes, “Excited utterances are a well-known exemption to the hearsay rule.”

Twilight backed herself into a corner, “But this is contractual law, not criminal law! The hearsay exemption is moot in this instance.”

The sun had long since set, and the cavern was now being lit by some sacks of lightning bug-like fluid. In the center of the cavern, on their platform, the five changelings sat, surrounded by volumes and volumes of legal books. Twilight sat off a ways away, also surrounded by books.

She smiled victoriously and pointed at the book she was reading, “Aha! See, right here. Red Blossom v Cloudy Skies. 'The court finds that, unless prior context over a given clause is provided, contracts involving communications of a poor natural are not valid.' It's clear as day.”

One of the five turned its book over to the passage, “This case is forty years old. The High Court overturned that decision in 985 in Soy Sauce v Case Law.”

Twilight crinkled her nose, “Fine. I'll find a recent case,” She started flipping through another fifteen hundred page book.

The five changelings sighed wearily. Two of the stood up and stretched out their exoskeletons. Another took off its reading glasses and rubbed its eyes, “Surely there must be a way We can break this impasse with Our Queen?”

Twilight shook her head, “I was auditioning for a role in Daring Do, not to be assimilated into some kind of collective."

The five scoffed, “We would not assimilate Our Queen, we would integrate you into Ourselves.” They waved their hooves,“It is completely different. Our Queen will retain all of her personality and individuality so as to facilitate communication and interaction with the lesser species.”

Twilight angrily looked up from the legal book, “For the hundredth time, don't call me 'Our Queen.' I'm not your queen.”

“But We already gave the 'glorious new era' speech. We cannot renege now.”

“Well, tough."

The five pondered for a moment, “What if We raised your base salary?”

Twilight shook her head again, “I don't care about money. What I do care about is not becoming the slave queen of a hivemind.”

“What if We opened Our personal library, filled with the knowledge of thousands of years of Changeling history and culture, that has not seen the eyes of another living thing—not even Our previous Queens—to you?”

Twilight bit her lip. They were playing hardball now, “Absolutely not.”

The five smirked at Twilight's hesitancy. Everypony has a price, “What if We obtained for you the role as villain in the Daring Do movie?”

A look of excitement glistened in Twilight’s eyes before she shook her head, “N-No! I couldn't. I can do it on my own. I don't need to buy my way into the role. That's beneath me,."

The five grinned evilly, “What if We obtained for you the role of Daring Do herself?”

Twilight stared at the five, hunger in her eyes, “You could do that?!”

The five nodded slowly, “Nothing is beyond Our ability.”

Viapom CEO Pure Greed sat in his office overlooking Los Pegasus. He read through the memo once more to ensure it was correct before he was to send it off to the Compliance Department. A malevolent green portal opened on the wall next to him, causing him to fall out of his chair.

A changeling stepped through, “The time has come for you to fulfill your end of Our Agreement,” The changeling handed him a folder marked “Daring Do Cast” before it departed back through the portal.

Greed watched the portal close and leave an unsightly black burn mark on the wall that would have to be painted over. He looked down at the folder, “There's gotta be easier ways to get SOPA passed,” He muttered to himself before picking up the phone.

**********

Dash put down the magazine when she saw Twilight enter the waiting room. She ran over, “So, how'd it go? Did you get the part? Why did it take so long?”

Twilight looked at Dash and stepped forward gracefully, “You are now looking at the new Daring Do,” Twilight smirked arrogantly.

“What!?” Dash stomped a hoof, “That's not fair! I was supposed to get that part. You auditioned for Nightmare Dawn, how could they give you the part of Daring Do?”

Twilight's eyes flashed a green hue before a green fire enveloped her. In her place stood a changeling of the same height, with long, flowing hair, a snarled horn, and a crown atop her head.

“We may have had some help.”

The End.

Author's Note

AKA The “I Really Need to Work on Regent But Wrote a Changeling Oneshot Instead” Story.

Inspired by the fanfic Masters of the Enemy which has pretty much the same exact plot, but with the Hive~~mind~~ being a bit more serious and the Mane Six becoming the consultation firm in charge of the vetting process, and by the song Mother Changeling, who's Hivemind is much more accommodating to Chrysalis and her plans for revenge.

I call dibs on the “Luna takes over the changelings and slowly infiltrates and takes over Equestria while the Mane Six try to stop her” fanfic. I didn't realize how cool a plot it was until I actually wrote Luna's scene.