The incredibly perfect rule of Princess Ditzy Doo

Princess Sunbutt Celestia is an eternally serious mare with a warm smile, ask anypony, go on, I'll wait...

Welcome back. And Princess Luna? Well, there's no way to deny that she is best princess, no need to go ask anypony, you know it's true.

And together, they make a nearly unstoppable duo, capable of overpowering the structure of a tyrant's regime or a steel chair. Truly, nopony can fill their horseshoes, because one pair is big enough to hide a bong in, trust me, I've done it.

Normally, nothing would make the pair of them both leave to address a problem.

Today was not a normal day.

Celestia trots towards her throne, mail held in her golden magic "Electric bill,  letter from Sunset Shimmer, food bill, letter from Twilight, sun block bill, letter from Discord, Banana shipping invoices, letter from Scorpan, package from Twilight Velvet... the usual"

Luna shuffles past, a comically oversized cup of coffee the size of her whole body with a bendy straw, 3 whole bags of sugar, 2 gallons of cream, and an enchanted spoon stirring them together "Mmmnff..."

Celestia nods to her sister "Good morning to you too sleepy head"

Luna plops onto her own throne, her mane solid and messy, her eyes shut against the light of day. "Mmmnff..."

"I know I raised the sun 20 minutes early but it's only a week away from the equinox. How was night court?"

Luna's ear flicks in her sisters' direction "Mmmnff..."

Celestia rolls her eyes "I know you think it's pointless and you could be out having fun but you have a job to resolve the problems of your subjects"

"Mmmnff..."

Celestia sighs "Fine, why you can't get the straw into your mouth is beyond me..." the end of the straw is brought to the stiff lips of the princess of the night, long slurps filling the hall before stopping abruptly.

As is the schedule, Celestia and the guards cover their eyes as Luna is engulfed in bright light before a soft cough signals that her metamorphosis is over

"Luna, why do you need to drink this... odorous mess?"

Luna, now more recognizable, blows a raspberry at her sister "I could ask you the same thing about that watery swill you call tea. Coffee is the best invention since the moon pie! It makes me STROOOOONG!!!" Luna flexes her forelegs and large muscles bulge to prove her point "I am a one-pony warship with the power of coffee. Especially since it also has spinach in it."

Celestia groans "You will never get any respect if you keep acting like a child, grow up Luna"

Luna rolls her eyes "Yes, and then I can become as respected as you big sister. I will only grow old, not up. Or in your case, out."

Celestia rubs her forehead "I am not going to join you on your pointless exercises and count calories. I like the shape I'm in, and that's that."

  Luna nods "Yes, I do hear that burlesque is coming back into popularity."

A guard snickers, earning a smile from Luna and a glare from Celestia.

Sighing, Celestia spares a glance at the cup her sister had brought, the contents nearly gone "You have a caffeine problem..."

Luna smirks "I do not have a problem with caffeine. I just have a problem when I don't have caffeine. And if we are speaking of problems, there is the fact that you are so large that I found a bundle of foals sleeping in one of your horseshoes!"

Celestia groans "It was a single squirrel."

"Actually it was a family of raccoons, your highness" the same guard from earlier said, ignoring the solar monarch's glare.

"Tell me, what is your name?" Celestia asks, her eye twitching in annoyance.

"Flash Sentry Ma'am" he responds, his partner struggling not to laugh.

Celestia nods "Flash Sentry, yes, I'll remember your cunning wit for your next assignment..."

Luna giggles "You have yet to disprove my point sister... maybe thy strained heart is not getting sufficient blood to thy brain?"

Celestia snorts "I am not fat. I am just big-boned and you'll start to suffer from gravity at some point."

Luna rolls her eyes "Not so dear sister. I have my own personal field of gravity that keeps me both in-shape and sleek. In fact, I read in an article from Manehatten that my buttocks are the firmest pair on record and voted the most desirable of the world rulers. Queen Chrysalis was second in fact."

"And what about mine?"

"The most squishy and plush, and second from last in ranking. The last was Lord Smooze, but only by three votes."

Celestia snarls at her sister "You have better not be making this up..."

"Have a look for thyself" she replies, levitating a magazine to Celestia.

"... Twilight has 500 more votes?! She's tiny and... Twilight!"

Luna shrugs "If you want to get a higher rank, how about you do what I did?"

"... Spend a millennium trapped on a desolate satellite?" Celestia asks.

Luna's head drops "No, work out, get moving. I'll even help you! You won't even need that one surgery with the plungers!"

Celestia pauses "One, Who would oversee the kingdom? Two, what?"

Luna makes a slicing motion at Celestia's chest and pulls a plunger from beside her throne and presses it onto her sister's chest and starts moving it up and down "This!!"

"L-Lu-un-a-a-a!" she yells, her tiara falling off.

"Lip-o-suction! You know, that thing that paunchy mares do who have too much money and don't like work?"

Celestia places her tiara back on and rubs the ring of plungered flesh tenderly "O-okay... one, it's liposuction. Two, why in Equestria is there a plunger next to your throne? Or rather, how did I not notice it?"

Luna rolls her eyes "I have plungers stashed all over Equestria in case of plunger emergencies!"

Celestia rubs her head "Are you taking lessons from Pinkie Pie?"

Luna shakes her head "Nope! I also keep tacos in your mane in case of taco emergencies. That I learned from a nice woman I met on earth."

Celestia shivers and runs a hoof through her mane "That wouldn't have happened to be Sonata Dusk, would it?"

"No, I learned it from a nice mare named Vice Principal. I don't know what that entails, but it sounded like a lot of time to work while dealing with funny things."

"Stop using the portal Luna. You'll do something immature and get the you in that dimension in trouble."

Luna shrugs and reaches into Celestia's mane, pulling a steaming, foil-wrapped taco from it "It's all in the wrist, dear sister."

"We don't HAVE wrists!!"

Luna sighs "You are too serious dear sister, lighten up!" she bites into the taco "Hmm... forgot the hot sauce."

"I guess you'll have to do with- what are you-?" Luna reaches in again and pulls an orange bottle from Celestia's mane and squirts the contents onto her taco before placing it back in her sister's mane.

"Whaph were you saphing?" Luna asks, biting her food.

Celestia hangs her head "... I give up. You're determined to drive me insane."

"You're welcome!"

"That- never mind. And back to the original point, where would we go to do this work-out plan of yours?"

"The Everfree forest, duh." Luna replies as if it was obvious

Celestia groans "I'm not agreeing to it, but who would run the country? Deal with the nobles, answer the questions of citizens?"

Luna shrugs, waving her plunger like a wand "Twilight is likely to lose control, Cadence is busy with the crystal empire, Blueblood is a prick, and we'll be gone..."

Celestia grins "See? We can't leave the country without somepony to guide it! So I'll stick with my job for now."

Luna continues, ignoring her sister "We need somepony who won't be corrupted by power. Somepony with an ear to the ground, somepony is approachable no matter what. Somepony who is empathic but capable of seeing the possible outcomes of his or her actions without being frozen by indecision... somepony humble, wise beyond their years..."

"INCOMIIIIIIIINNNG!!!!!" A panicked voice screams, everypony besides Luna, still deep in thought, taking cover.

A grey blur shoots through a window, knocks the plunger from luna's grip and lands in her lap "Hm?"

The grey blur shakes her head and looks up at Luna with deep gold eyes.

Luna stares back, initiating a staring contest.

Ditzy looks back, her gaze unwavering until her right eye drifts to the plunger stuck on her head.

Luna sits still as stone, her eyes fixed upon the mare in her lap.

Celestia straightens herself up and looks around for the cause of the scream "What was- oh, hello Derp-"

Both mares raise their hooves and poke the other's snout "Boop!"

The spell broken, Ditzy bats at the stick of the plunger "It's stuck..."

Luna nods and lights her horn to remove it when she gasps "Her! She can do it!"

Celestia blinks "You... you want to entrust a mailmare with the job? That's one of the most ludicrous ideas I've ever heard."

Luna picks Ditzy up from under the armpits "No! It's perfect! Mail ponies are known for their incorruptible attitudes, and ability to get things done, know what's going on in every town their route takes them, approachable, know how their actions affect others and Ditzy is one of the most humble ponies I've ever met! She's even got a horn and wings!!"

Ditzy cocks her head and reaches for her mail bag, pulling a letter out "Sorry, I missed this one earlier. Here you go."

Celestia takes the letter "Booth revenues?"

Luna takes the letter "That's mine, it's my pay for working at some booths last week. Let's see what my next route is..." Luna one-arm hugs Ditzy who smiles and hums in happiness "...Okay, I have to buy another gender glamour and some feldspar... easy."

Celestia sighs "Why do you insist on working when you're a diarch of an entire kingdom?"

"The coffers of the treasury won't last forever. I am just becoming an average citizen of this kingdom, and I like working, it's fun."

Ditzy looks up at Luna, the stick of the plunger poking her cheek "What's the job? I could always use more money to pay rent."

Luna smiles "Simple, you just be princess for a time and solve the problems of ponies."

Ditzy blinks "... Can I still deliver mail?"

Luna nods "I do not see why not."

Ditzy's eyes focus in thought for a second before she grins "Okay!"

Luna claps her hooves "Wonderful! Come sister, we have to get you in perfect shape!"

Celestia blinks for several seconds "Wha- Just like that?! Don't I get to pack?!"

Luna rolls her eyes "Packing is for trips and adventures! This is both of them so double positive means no packing!"

"That's double negatives!!" Celestia yells, trying to gain traction on the floor.

Ditzy blinks and waves at the two stunned guards "Hi!"

One of them sighs "... It's going to be an interesting month..."