Chin Up Honey, At Least It's Not The Box It Came In
Cadance and Shining Armor In:
The Dreamhouse
Written By: Your Antagonist
Chin Up Honey, At Least It’s Not The Box It Came In
“What... what the hell is this?” The question had been posed by noneother than Princess Cadance of the Crystal Empire, who simply couldn’t believe what ludicrous circumstances life had delivered herof all ponies.
“Art We to assume that thou doth not approve of the accommodations provided for thee?” asked Princess Luna.
“Of course I don’t approve, this is ridiculous! How can you possibly expect us to live in… in… that!” Cadance gestured behind herself to the residence—if it could even be called as such— in question. The entire structure looked as though it had been constructed from cheap doll-grade plastic, colored in with paint chips someone had acquired by holding an elementary school art class at gunpoint.
“Princess Cadance,” said the ever regal Princess Celestia, “I understand your frustration, but you simply must calm down. Under the circumstances, I’m afraid this is the best we could do for you. The Crystal Empire’s Royal Housing Relocation Charter hasn’t―”
“No. No, fuck that. We can’t live in this rundown piece of sh—”
“Honey, ix-neigh on the language-ay,” Shining Armor urged in an attempt to save face and favor before his superiors.
“No, Shining Armor, this is absolutely unacceptable. I don’t ask for much, but I demand better than… than this!”
Princess Celestia rubbed her temples and sighed. She had a feeling that Cadance would react negatively to the circumstances, but she hadn’t come prepared to deal with this level of belligerence and rebellion. She turned her attention expectantly to Shining Armor who met her gaze and nodded dutifully, understanding his role as both a husband and subordinate.
“Look, honey,” he said, resting a hoof on his wife’s withers. “So maybe it’s... lacking in utilities, that doesn’t mean―”
“Lacking in utilities?” Cadance angrily shrugged her husband’s hoof from around her neck. “Shining, it doesn’t even have fucking walls! I will not be made to sleep outside in this shoddy excuse for a doghouse like some unloved royal pet.”
“Cadance,” Celestia said in a calm and regal manner.
“How did it even cross your mind to design something like this? All those tax payer bits you spend on your stupid city art projects and decorations for royal functions and you couldn’t even spring for some backing on this pile? Oh, you forgot to put in a foundation but you managed to slip a fucking garden swing in there, because that’s exactly what we need.” Cadance trotted forward and seized the swing by it’s suspension, her annoyance mounting as she felt the material. “It’s not even hanging by rope, this is plastic!”
“Princess Cadance.”
“This is ridiculous. No, you are ridiculous, in fact your entire regime is ridiculous. I would rather slave this week away in a slimy, greasy Changeling Hive under the rule of Queen Chrysabitch than―”
“Princess Mi Amore Cadenza,” Celestia said with a sternness that could silence a rampaging dragon. To her relief, Cadance bit her rampant tongue and seemed to simmer down slightly, allowing Celestia the opportunity to dissolve the conflict. “I realize that you are displeased with the disparity of the Crystal Empire’s temporary royal housing arrangements, but that is no excuse to conduct yourself as anything less than a dignified Princess of the Equestrian Nation.” The loss of tension in Cadance’s features showed that Celestia’s words had hit their mark, but that would only lessen the younger alicorn’s reliance on profanities. As far as disarming the situation went, the solar princess was a far cry from forcing her junior to relinquish her blade.
“Princess Celestia,” said Cadance, “I just don’t see why we can’t stay in the civilian housing or the royal guard barracks until the palace’s parasprite fumigation is complete. With all the housing projects I’ve approved in the past year, surely there must be someplace we could stay.”
“As much as Luna and I would love to let you, the Royal Housing Relocation Charter of the Crystal Empire doesn’t support the financial expenditure necessary to secure a residence for such a short period of time. It wouldn’t be wise to spend all that money to purchase a house that would only see use for a week, my little pony. And I’m afraid that allowing you to stay in the guardsmen barracks would be a direct violation of the Statutes of Royal Conduct for which Shining Armor would be forced to arrest you on the grounds of fraternization, regardless of your marital status.”
“Sorry, honey,” Shining Armor apologized.
With a sigh, Cadance ceded to the overbearing circumstances and sought comfort in the warmth of her husband’s embrace. “It’s not your fault, Shining. It’s just… this whole thing, it’s completely ridiculous, you know? I mean the way the charters and laws were written was already bad enough, but where did the parasprites even come from? I thought they were native to the Everfree Forest so how did they even get here?”
“Tell me about it, but hey look on the bright side, it’s only a few days, right?
“Yeah, I guess…”
“You know,” Princess Luna chimed in with an upbeat tone. “‘Tis not all bad.” She looked towards the crudely constructed dwelling with something resembling nostalgic longing in her eyes. “When Our sister banished Us to the moon all those many years ago, We would have liked to have had some form of dwelling in which to lay Our weary head upon other than the cold unforgiving gray of craters and lunar rock. One thousand years alone in a dark, airless vacuum might have been made somewhat less dreary had We something of this vain to call shelter.”
Almost immediately, Cadance got the message Luna was trying to convey: regardless of how bad things get, there’s always somebody who has or has had it far worse. “Well,” she said with a sigh, and a spry smile. “It’s not much, but there’s no use in moping about it is there? I won’t be able to get into my office for a few days, but at the very least I brought some quills and parchments with me. I can take this time and start writing a new royal housing charter just in case something like this happens in the future.”
Princess Celestia beamed fondly at her junior’s realization. “That’s the spirit, Princess Cadance, keep your chin up and plan ahead.” The princess glanced at “Well, I’m afraid that Luna and I must be off, we have pressing business to attend to in Manehatten.”
“Yes,” said Luna, “We will be sure to send a messenger pony to check up on you and report upon the extermination of the parasprites come the week’s end. For now we bid you farewell.” With that, the sisters nodded and took to the skies, leaving the couple behind
“It’s just a couple of days. I can do this, but first things first...” Cadance trotted over to her bags, procuring a scroll and some fine-point quills. “I’ve got to rewrite that housing charter.”
“Uh… honey?” said Shining Armor.
“What is it, Shining?”
“You might want to hold off on rewriting that charter for a moment…” Shining Armor said his attention directed towards a faroff patch of sky.
Frowning, Cadance followed her husband’s gaze. “What are you talking… about…” Her words trailed off as she saw just what Shining Armor had been talking about: a squadron of weather pegasi kneading together an absurd amount of thick black storm clouds.
“Attention residents of the Crystal Empire, this is a broadcast of the Equestrian Royal Weather System. We’d like to remind all residents to stay indoors due to a pre-scheduled tropical storm. Thank you for your cooperation. I repeat, this is a broadcast…”
At the passing of the weather pony’s announcement, Shining Armor gave a nervous swallow before turning to face his wife who was absolutely fuming at the news. “Honey?” he asked, uncertain of how his wife would react. For his efforts, he was greeted with a glare that could turn cockatrice to stone. “Uh, Ca-Cadance?”
With beet red cheeks and all the vehemence her slender frame could muster, Cadance unleashed a banshee-like roar, the likes of which would startle Ursa Majors in neighboring provinces from their midday naps. “FFFUUUUUUU―”
Five Minutes and Some Distance Away
“So, dear sister, how long doth thou give it before fair Cadance realizes that there is no such thing as the Royal Housing Relocation Charter?” Luna asked.
“Mmm... Cadance has a good head on her shoulders. I give it an hour before she senses something is amiss,” said Celestia.
“Indeed, We feared that she may have caught on to Us when she began to question the origin of the parasprite infestation, but We feel as though the maelstrom of the weather stewards should keep her sufficiently distracted for the time.”
“I was meaning to ask you about that. I appreciate a good prank as much as the next pony, but a monsoon seems a bit much, don’t you think?”
“Perhaps fair Cadance ought to have considered that before neglecting to invite Us to her and Captain Armor’s wedding.” Luna turned her snout up in indignance.
“Luna, she didn’t send you an invite because you’re normally dead asleep during the day time and you wouldn’t have been able to attend anyway,” Celestia pointed out.
“Tch,” Luna turned away with a huff. “True as thy words may be, it is the thought that counts, is it not, dearest sister?”
“If you say so, Luna,” Celestia said, rolling her eyes.
“Now, let us not dwell on this subject but rather make haste. Thou wished to assist our newest royal cohort with her ‘relocation’ due to an unfortunately timed termite infestation in her residence did thou not?”
Celestia turned to her sister with a wide grin, but said nothing. She was too busy trying to imagine her faithful student’s reaction to her future housing assignment.
The End?
Author's Note
For Jayme, Michael and Cardon because trips to the toy section in Walmart at 0300 in the morning.
