Chapter 1 — In Which There Are FUCKING AWESOME ROBOT FIGHTS
Far out, in the deepest reaches of space, tumbling through the void like a cosmic tumbleweed, an asteroid hurtled towards Equestria. Trailing behind it, a wave of SPACE RADIATION washed over everything in its path.
Asteroids, being inanimate objects, don’t have thoughts or emotions, so this particular asteroid had no concept of the seeds of destruction it was about to sow. However, if it had, it most certainly would’ve smiled, wrung its hands, and then thought, “Excellent,” while cackling wildly. See, this was an evil asteroid, and completely unbeknownst to the citizens of Equestria, and on mare in particular, it was on a collision course with the peaceful planet, and nothing short of divine intervention was going to stop it.
Trixie started this morning like she did every other. She yawned, stretching out her hooves, rose from the pile of leaves she had managed to find the night before, and waved a cheery good morning to the sun.
“Fuck you, sun,” she said, shielding her eyes with a hoof. “I was having a great dream, too.”
She sighed, brushing the remaining leaves out of her mane and rubbing the sleep from her her eyes. With another yawn, she scratched her back and looked up at the sky. Something caught her attention. She squinted.
“What the hell…”
“...Is that thing?” said Twilight, her eye pressed against a telescope. She twisted some knobs to bring the object into sharper focus. Once it became more clear, her eyes grew wide and she shouted, “Spiiiiiiiiike! Get in here!”
A few seconds later, she heard the padding of Spike’s little feet as he came running into the room. Doubled over, hands on his knees, he said, between sharp breaths, “What… do… you… want?”
Twilight, without taking her eye off the lens of the telescope, said, “You ran, like, twenty feet. How are you winded? Nevermind. I need you to get my book on badass astronomical phenomena.”
Spike, having finally caught his breath, frowned. “Twilight, that’s not even a thing.”
Waving her hoof, Twilight said, “Well.. just go find something like that. There’s some crazy ass shit going on up there and I want to know what it is.”
Spike raised an eyebrow. “Crazy how?”
Twilight whirled around, her lips pursed and her eyes glowing with anger. “Dammit, Spike! I don’t have time for your dicking around. There’s something headed straight for us, and you’re sitting here asking me stupid questions.” She stomped her hoof. “Lives are at risk here!”
“Like whose?”
Twilight sputtered. “I—I don’t know. Maybe everyone’s!?”
“Yeah, and maybe no one’s,” said Spike, rolling his eyes. “Don’t you you think you may be overreacting?”
Twilight’s eyes narrowed. “Fine, we’ll see who’s overreacting when we’re all dead.”
“How would that even work?”
“With you shutting up!” Twilight picked up Spike with her magic and tossed him out a nearby window. “Overreacting,” she muttered, shaking her head. “I’ll show him who’s overreacting. I’ll show them all!” She shook her hoof at no one in particular. “Whoa… was that out loud?”
Meanwhile, in Canterlot Castle, Celestia was observing the rapidly approaching asteroid from her study. She frowned. “That’s probably not good.” Scooping up some notes she had taken, she hurried across the castle to her sister’s quarters.
Throwing the door open, she saw Luna, a pillow covering her face, asleep in her bed. Celestia lifted the drowsy mare from her bed and shook her awake.
Luna blinked blearily, chewing something invisible. When she finally saw Celestia, she said, “Where’s the fire?”
Celestia shoved her notes in Luna’s face. “Is this one of yours?” she asked.
Luna squinted. “One of my what?”
“Your asteroids. Is this one of yours?”
Luna looked more closely, scanning the notes. “Uhh… nope. Not mine.”
Celestia sighed. “Oh, thank me. I was really worried there for a second.” She paused. “Wait, isn’t that a bad thing?”
Luna shrugged. “Meh, even if it is, Twilight’ll take care of it. You worry too much.”
Celestia laughed. “Oh, right. Duh.” She tapped her forehead. “Silly me.”
“So…” said Luna, “now that we’ve got that sorted out, you wanna maybe put me down?”
“What? Oh! Right, sorry.” Celestia quickly released Luna from her magic and let her fall with a thud to the ground.
As Luna stood up, brushing herself off, she said, “So anyway, what’s the dealio with this asteroid?”
“Oh, that thing?” said Celestia, waving her hoof dismissively. “It’s nothing really. It’ll probably cause a mass extinction event or something. No biggie.”
Luna nodded. “Ah… cool. Been awhile since we’ve had one of those.” She slunk back under her covers. “Well, I’m going back to bed. Let me know how the whole asteroid thing plays out.”
Celestia gave her a thumbs up, or she would have had she had any thumbs. “Can do.”
Trixie plodded along the dirt path leading towards a nearby town. She had, after careful consideration, realized that she didn’t give a crap about whatever that object was in the sky and decided to just continue on her journey. She had a few bits, and, with any luck, she just might find an inn in the next town, wherever that may be.
Pressing on, she reached a hill. As she climbed it, reaching the top, she let out a long groan. Just a little further down the road the only town for miles stood out like sore thumb. “Ponyville,” she mumbled, “it had to be friggin’ Ponyville.” She sighed. “Of all the towns in all the valleys, it had to be this one.” She threw up her hooves in frustration. “Well, fuck it… I guess I don’t have much of a choice.”
With no small amount of contempt, she put one hoof in front of the other and headed towards Ponyville. At least, she thought, she’d be able see that asshole Twilight again. Maybe she’d even get a chance to laugh derisively as she passed by.
Twilight, now haunch-deep in piles of paper, waded through the mess to her telescope. She bit her lip, watching as the asteroid grew ever closer to Equestria, scribbling down notes as she moved the telescope slightly.
“Okay,” she said under her breath, “if it’s traveling at… let’s see, twenty-five kilometers per hour, then it should reach Equestria in—” she gasped “—less than five minutes!”
She jumped back, her mind racing. “Oh, holy shit. This is bad. This is really really bad.” She started looking around frantically, hoping that a solution would jump out at her suddenly. Alas, no clear answer made itself known to her. She was on her own.
“Well fuck you too, answer,” said Twilight, tossing a few books aside. “I’ll figure this shit out on my own!” She took a deep breath, and then made her way out on to the balcony. Sticking her tongue out, she bit down, staring up at the asteroid that was rapidly growing larger and larger.
Ponies from all around the town had taken notice now and were poking their heads out windows and doors, looking up. “What’s that?” they asked. “Is it going to hit us?”
Twilight’s eyes lit up. She retrieved her crown and royal regalia, donning it as quick as she could. She stepped out into the sunlight on the balcony and addressed the town.
“Citizens of Ponyville,” she said, holding her hoof out. All the ponies in town turned to look at her, smiles on their faces.
“It’s Princess Twilight!” They said. “She’ll know what to do!”
Twilight smiled. “There is no need to be upset. I will save you from this asteroid with my awesome princess powers.” She turned to the asteroid and narrowed her eyes. Her horn burst into life, light running along its length. She pointed her horn at the asteroid and forced as much magic as she could manage towards it.
The townsponies cheered her on, yelling, “Save us, Princess Twilight! You’re our only hope!”
Twilight pushed more magic out until her horn was like a miniature sun. It was blindingly bright, but her spell seemed to be working. The asteroid, rather than continue to grow larger, looked as though it were stopping. And then, with just a bit more magic, it started to turn around, slowly but surely growing smaller. Twilight grinned. “Haha! Take that, stupid asteroid! Princess Twilight: 1. Asteroid: fucking zilch!”
Just then, she heard someone call up at her from below the balcony.
“Yo, Twilight, you fat cow. It’s Trixie. You know, Trixie from the block. Where you at?”
Twilight blinked. She leaned over the balcony and saw Trixie standing there tapping her hoof.
“Trixie!?” Twilight said incredulously. “What in the name of all things holy are you doing here?”
Trixie shrugged. “Eh, just thought I’d stop by to see what’s up.” She snapped her hooves, y’know, if that was possible. “Oh, and I wanted to say something.” She smirked. “You suck butt!” She laughed derisively, slapping her knees.
Twilight’s face reddened, and she lost control of the asteroid for a split second. She turned to yell at Trixie but quickly realized that the asteroid was now spinning out of control towards the ground and was starting to burn up as it entered the atmosphere. “Oh, shit!” she yelled, quickly relighting her horn.
The asteroid slowed down, caught in Twilight’s magic. With all her strength, she pushed it away, tossing it towards the sun. With a massive heave, she sent it flying back into space. All the ponies clapped and cheered and Twilight wiped her brow, muttering, “Well, that was close.”
She smirked, leaning back over the balcony to make fun of Trixie. However, her smirk quickly faded away as she saw Trixie doubled over on the ground, writhing around. “Uhh,” she said, “you okay there, Trixie. You don’t look so hot.”
Trixie didn’t respond. She was too busy being in crippling agony to say anything snarky back. Her limbs felt like they were on fire, and she watched helplessly as they started to grow several times larger. Every inch of her body was getting larger and larger, and she could do nothing to stop it. Within mere seconds, she was already taller than Twilight’s library tree, and a few seconds after that, she was over two hundred feet tall. By the time she reached her peak, she was over five hundred feet tall, and metal started to encase her body.
“What the shit is going on?” Trixie cried, her voice like a hurricane. She looked around at her body and watched in horror as her flesh started become covered in steel alloy plating. Her joints were replaced with ultra sleek robot parts, and a thick plexiglass visor came down over her face as a helmet formed around her head. No more than thirty seconds had passed, and Trixie had completely transformed from a mild-mannered pony to a five-hundred foot tall mechanical beast.
Twilight, her mouth hanging open, stepped back. “What the actual fuck?” she said quietly.
Trixie held her hooves up to her face and saw them covered in a blue metal. Her initial shock only lasted a few seconds before she realized something. “Oh, fuck yes!” she cried. “I’m a fucking robot!”
She spun around, admiring her awesome new robo-body. Biting her lip, she turned to the Town Hall and narrowed her eyes. A red eye appeared above her visor and slowly started to gather light. A few seconds later, a massive beam shot out and tore a hole straight through the Town Hall building, and every other building behind it.
Twilight shook her head slowly. “What the hell happened?”
The asteroid, hurtling towards its demise in the fiery furnace of the sun, laughed evilly to itself. “Never underestimate the badassitude of SPACE RADIATION.” It enjoyed one final moment of mirth before it was swallowed up by the sun and was incinerated instantly.
Lying in a bush below the window where Twilight had tossed him out, Spike shouted, “Maybe it was, like, SPACE RADIATION, or something?”
Twilight looked over the balcony at him. She frowned. “Don’t be stupid, Spike. That’s ridiculous.”
He shrugged. “Fine, then I guess Trixie became a giant robot out of nowhere, and for no reason.”
“I’m okay with this,” Trixie said, using her robo-legs to crush a bunch of helpless villagers. “This is pretty sweet.”
Twilight frowned. “I’ve gotta find a way to stop her.”
Spike propped himself up and pointed to the ground near Trixie. “I think I saw some SPACE RADIATION hit that dirt over there.”
Twilight jumped from the balcony without a second thought and landed next to Trixie. Not even pausing for a split second, she started shoveling hoof-fulls of dirt into her mouth.
Spike laughed. “Oh my god, you actually did it. Are you freakin’ serious?”
Dirt spilling from her mouth, Twilight tried to make an angry face, but really it just looked like she had been to a buffet with her face stuffed like that. She spit the dirt out and was about to say something when she suddenly felt overwhelmed by pain. She rolled around, hugging her chest and screaming out.
Trixie looked down at Twilight. “Oh balls…” she said.
“Huh,” said Spike, “I guess there was some SPACE RADIATION in that dirt. Go figure.”
In less than a minute, Twilight was just like Trixie, well, she was a little taller to be fair. She was covered on all fronts by purple metal, and her magic, like Trixie’s, had been replaced by far superior robo-super-powers. She flexed her newly acquired form, stretching out her robo-limbs and flicking her robo-mane over her robo-shoulder.
Twilight grinned her robo-grin and said, “Let’s see you fight me now, bitch.” Suddenly, a giant microphone dropped out of the sky. Twilight grabbed it with her hoof and roughly yanked the cord down, holding the thing to her mouth. She pointed at Trixie. “Trixieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee,” she said. “I’m calling you ouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut!” She jabbed her hoof at her chest, then drew a line across her throat. “You’re goin’ dooooooooooooown.”
Trixie rolled her neck, cracking her robo-joints. She pointed at Twilight. “What makes you think you can take down Robo-Trixie?” She thumped her chest. “You ain’t got nothin’ on me!”
Twilight tossed away the microphone, exploding an orphanage in an awesome fireball. She brought her forehooves together, cracking her robo-knuckles. “I’m the cream of the crop. I rise to the top. I won’t stop until I pop your head off and make you drooooooooooooop,” she yelled, her voice suddenly gravelly and nearly incomprehensible. She stomped her hooves, causing earthquakes to ripple through Ponyville and destroy even more buildings. “I’m the tower of power, too sweet to be sour. I’m funky like a monkey, sky’s the limit and space is the place.”
Trixie drew herself up. She held up her forehooves and flexed her robo-muscles. “Who’s got the largest robo-arms in the world?” She thumped her chest again. “I’m the real Robo-Trixie! I will fuck your shit up! Trixiemania’s running wild across Ponyville, and there’s nothing you can do to stop it. I’m a wildfire, brother!”
“Oh yeah?” Twilight said, taking a step closer to Trixie. “What it is, is what is… Trixiemania is dead! I’m your friend, Trixie, but if I ever see you in the ring…” She paused. “You’re dead!”
Trixie cocked her head to the side. “Oh, is that true?”
Twilight nodded.
“Well let’s fucking go, then!”
Trixie lunged at Twilight, her badass robo-parts moving in perfect sync with her less badass regular-parts. She swung a hoof at Twilight’s head, but missed as the other mare dodged to the side, her thighs and hooves crushing countless houses and ponies in what would be remembered as Ponyville’s first and last professional wrestling match.
Twilight tried to take her advantage and use to catch Trixie off guard, but before she could go for her own swing, Trixie slipped underneath Twilight with her surprisingly agile robo-body. She came up behind Twilight with her forehooves curling up under the other mare’s shoulders. Trixie stood on her hind legs, holding up Twilight in an impressive full-robo-nelson. She held her there for as long as she could before Twilight jabbed her robo-elbow into Trixie’s robo-stomach and caused her to robo-recoil.
Twilight took a few more swings at Trixie, but found no purchase, so instead she opted for a new tactic. Flapping her robo-wings, she lifted into the air and then, spinning around, dropped into a flying piledriver. She put all her weight into the attack, driving her elbow right into Trixie’s helmet and bringing the two mares crashing into the ground. A massive crater billowed out from where they collided, sending shockwaves through the town and causing even more property damage.
Pushing herself up, Twilight dusted herself off and smirked. “What’s the matter, Trixie?” she asked, looking down at the crumpled heap of metal that had been the other robot. “Was my macho piledriver too much for—”
She stopped as Trixie suddenly sprung out of the hole, now with twin blades protruding from her forehooves. “Did you really think that would be all it takes to bring me down. Me! Robo-Trixie!”
With a war cry that Mel Gibson would’ve been proud of, Trixie dove at Twilight, swinging her swords wildly, cutting more than a few houses down in the process.
Twilight did her best to dodge, but when one blade glanced off her shoulder, she knew she’d have to come up with a better plan. Rising into the air again, she drew her own blad. It was a long, thin, electric-blue laser sword. She grinned.
Trixie looked up. “Running away? You’ll have to try harder than that!” Rockets burst to life beneath Trixie’s hooves, roasting a few bystanders completely accidentally. She rose into the air, twirling her swords menacingly.
Bracing herself, Twilight brought her sword up into a readied stance. Gripping it with two hooves, she held it high above her head. Trixie, on the other hand, took no stance and opted for a more… organic approach. She swung her swords like a madman, charging straight at Twilight.
As the two mares clashed, their swords clanging off each other, they hung in the air like angry bees, jabbing at each other with their stingers.
Meanwhile, back at Canterlot Castle, Celestia knocked on Luna’s door.
“Yo, Luna,” she said. “Get up.”
A moment later she heard and click and a thud as the door swung open to reveal a groggy alicorn. Massaging her temple, she said, “What is it this time?”
Celestia hesitated a moment, then said, “Remember that asteroid I was telling you about?”
Luna nodded. “Sure. What happened? Is everyone dead already?”
“Not quite. See, Twilight turned the asteroid away at the last moment—”
“As I said she would.”
“—But now she’s fighting some other pony in Ponyville.”
Luna frowned. “Fighting another pony? How do you mean?”
Celestia rubbed the back of her neck with a hoof. “Well, it seems they somehow turned into giant robots and now they’re fighting each other.”
Luna eyed Celestia. “Giant robots? Are you sure you’re not seeing things?”
Celestia shrugged. “I mean… maybe? I am tripping balls after that last piece of cake I had.”
Luna sighed. “Well, either way, I say you let them work things out. I’m sure everything’ll be fine.” She turned her back to Celestia and returned to her bed. “Thanks for the update. I’m going back to bed now. Let me know how the robot thing turns out.” She waved her hoof, closing the door with her magic as he pulled the covers over her head.
“No prob, sis.”
Trixie huffed, hunched over as she used a hoof to wipe away the oil on her visor. “You’re pretty good, Twilight,” she said. “But you’re never gonna beat me.”
Twilight grinned, leaning against her sword as she caught her robo-breath. “We’ll see about that.” Tossing her sword to the side, Twilight reared up on her hind legs. A panel opened on her chest and revealed a dozen missile bays. Her grin turned to a smirk as the missiles fired, leaving trails of smoke snaking behind them as they raced towards Trixie.
Acting quickly, Trixie brought up her twin swords and slashed as many of the missiles as she could. Most of them were split in two and fell harmlessly to the side, but a pair of them got through and hit Trixie right in the chest. She dropped her blades and fell to the ground with a resounding thud.
Twilight fell back to all fours and laughed maniacally. “Hahahaha! Mecha-Twilight wins! I told you you’d never defeat me, Trixie. I’m the best there ever was.”
Trixie lay still on the ground, mentally yelling at herself to get up. She tried to, but her robo-limbs wouldn’t respond. She pushed, but nothing happened. Having all but resigned herself to defeat, Trixie waited for Twilight to approach and finish her off. However, as the other mare drew closer, she suddenly had an idea. Using the last of her strength, she managed to force herself up.
Twilight stopped in her tracks. “What’s this?” she asked. “Still got some fight in you?”
Trixie ignored her, conserving her energy for her last attack. Once she had finally got back on her hooves, she said, “You think you’ve won, Twilight? This isn’t the end! I’m invincible!” Suddenly, her robo-horn started to spin furiously. It buzzed like an angry buzzard, whirring a thousand times a second. Trixie lowered her horn so it was level with Twilight.
“What is this?” Twilight asked, taking a cautious step back. “What’s going on?”
Trixie smirked. “Mine is the horn that will pierce the heavens,” she said. “You may be a god, but even you can’t stop my DIVINE HORN BUSTER!”
“What the—”
Before Twilight could even finish her exclamation of incredulity, Trixie’s hoof-rockets fired up and she was charging straight at her. She brought up her hooves in an attempt to stop her, but Trixie’s horn drill was moving too fast and spinning too quickly. It drilled straight through her robo-hooves and right into her chest. It was a one-hit KO.
Once the dust had settled, the one remaining inhabitant of Ponyville, Spike, saw the two robo-bodies lying in a pool of oil and other questionable fluids. He approached the unmoving forms cautiously. Trixie’s horn had driven straight into Twilight’s chest, and Twilight had been powerless to stop it, but it seemed the act was too much for Trixie. Neither pony moved.
Spike shook his head sadly. “All they wanted to do was fight each other to the death. Who’s the real monster. Not them… Not them.”
