Bursts of color and loud bangs filled the midnight air as the crowd of ponies yelled, “Three! Two! One! Happy new year!”
Ponyville’s giant apple descended down the pole and reached the ground as fireworks went off everywhere, and ponies threw confetti into the air.
Everywhere around Equestria, ponies took their old calendars off the wall and replaced them with new ones, the princesses cast spells to make all the trees instantly and magically grow another ring, and in Cloporado it became legal to smoke poison joke. 420 blaze it, draggots.
“Happy new year, everypony!” said Spike to everypony as they all walked back to Twilight’s library for a round of partying.
“You too, sugarcube,” said Applejack.
Spike groaned as they walked in the door.
“What is it?” asked Applejack, raising an eyebrow.
“I have a name, you know. And it isn’t sugarcube. It’s Spike!”
“Well shucks, I’m sorry, Spike. I guess I do say sugarcube a lot.”
“Not as much as Rarity says ‘dahling,’” said Rainbow Dash, imitating Rarity’s mid-Atlantic accent. She flew over to Rarity and hovered above her, gazing down at her.
“Oh!” Rarity exclaimed. “It’s a term of endearment, dar—"
Rainbow chuckled.
“Though… I suppose all good things should come in moderation, yes?” Rarity conceded. “Now would you please get out of my face? I don’t like it when you hover over me; it makes me feel as though you’re talking down to me.”
“Yes,” said Twilight Sparkle, grabbing Rainbow Dash with her magic and moving her back away. “Ponies like their personal space. You should respect—”
“Hey, put me down!” said Rainbow Dash, struggling against Twilight’s magic. “Ponies don’t like it when you grab them with magic. Imagine if I just picked you up with my hooves and threw you? You wouldn’t like it, would you?”
Pinkie jumped around the room and started singing a tune reminiscent of Mary Had a Little Lamb. It’s in the public domain, so relax.
“Ponies don’t like to be grabbed,
To be grabbed, to be grabbed.
Ponies don’t like to be grabbed;
don’t float them off to space.”
Pinkie flicked Twilight’s horn with her hoof.
“Ouch!” said Twilight, rubbing her horn.
Then, Pinkie looked at Rainbow Dash, slowly inching towards her as she sung.
“They do not like you over them,
over them, over them.
They do not like you over them;
don’t hover in their face.”
Pinkie moved her face over to Rainbow Dash until she was a millimeter away from her eyes, gazing right into Dash’s soul. No, they didn’t kiss; this isn’t that type of story.
“Okay, okay, I get it,” said Dash, backing up nervously.
Spike glanced down at his wrist, where there was a watch that you’ve never seen in the show before and will never see again.
“Oh, is the song over already?” he said, glaring at Pinkie as he rolled his eyes. “I was hoping you’d sing your annoying song for at least another full minute!”
“Okay!” said Pinkie, missing the sarcasm.
Pinkie opened her mouth to sing, but then Fluttershy said, “Um, Pinkie, could you not sing songs so long? Especially when just a few words will do in its place.”
But then, Fluttershy shrunk back. “Uh, if that’s okay with you, that is.”
“Ugh!” Rainbow Dash groaned. “You know, Fluttershy, you don’t have to ask everypony if things are okay with them. If we’re not okay with it, we’ll just tell you!”
Spike glanced out the window, seeing the fireworks. Then, a light bulb appeared above his head. He smiled. Free light bulb! Oh, and also, he had an idea.
“Why don’t you all make new year’s resolutions?”
“Huh?” asked Pinkie Pie.
“About what, Spike?” asked Twilight.
Spike said, “Applejack has to stop saying ‘sugarcube,’ Rarity has to stop saying ‘darling,’ Rainbow Dash has to quit hovering over ponies when she talks to them, Twilight has to quit grabbing ponies with her magic, Pinkie has to quit singing random songs out of nowhere, and Fluttershy has to quit asking if ponies are okay with things.”
“Oh, I don’t know, that might be hard,” said Fluttershy, blushing. “Can I make a different resolution? Like promising to feed Angel bunny extra chef’s salads? Or resolving never to go stop a snoring dragon again?”
Everypony remained silent.
“If that’s alright with—”
Spike reached over and put his finger in front of Fluttershy’s lips before she could finish.
Applejack started, “I’m game. You heard him, sugar—”
Spike put his other finger on Applejack’s lips.
“Yeah!” said Rainbow Dash, flying up into the air. “I’ll beat this challenge no problem!”
Applejack walked over to below where she flew. “Sure you will. Just like you quit nappin’ in my apple trees when I asked you not to?” she asked, raising an eyebrow.
Irritated at Applejack’s sarcasm, Rainbow Dash started to talk, still in the air.
“Uh, uh, uh, ground level when you’re talking,” said Twilight Sparkle, powering up her horn to return Rainbow Dash to the ground, but then Rarity put her hoof in front of Twilight’s face.
“Now, dar—” Rarity started. “—light. Darlight. You simply must stop grabbing ponies with magic, remember?”
“Oh. Right,” said Twilight, blushing.
“Ooh! Ooh!” Pinkie exclaimed. “I had the perfect song about sticking with your resolutions. But I can’t sing it…”
Her poofy hair fell flat as she trudged along depressingly. No, she didn’t kill anypony; this isn’t that type of story either. Her hair returned to its poofy state once more approximately eleven seconds later when she remembered how funny the word “kumquat” sounded.
“Well, this will probably be a lot harder than it sounds,” said Twilight Sparkle.
Spike deviously rubbed his hands together, then twirled his air moustache.
“And I’m looking forward to every minute of it,” he cackled.
January 1st, 2014, Celestial Era. Yeah, turns out ponies use the same dates as us. Weird coincidence, huh?
“Aah, what a beautiful new day, and a beautiful new year,” said Twilight Sparkle, waking up out of her bed. “Time to go help clean up all the confetti. Spike, wake up.”
Spike just sat in his bed, snoring.
“Spike…” she said.
Still, he wouldn’t wake up.
Groaning, Twilight used her magic to yank the covers off of Spike. He still didn’t wake up.
She frowned, then used her magic to yank Spike himself out of bed. He woke up.
“Hey! You promised not to do that!”
“I only promised not to do it to other ponies. You’re a dragon, so you don’t count.”
“Yes, I do. Now put me down!” he demanded.
Twilight groaned. “You know what, no. New year’s is a meaningless date, anyway. All it means is that Celestia has moved the sun around the globe three hundred and sixty five times. It’s arbirtrary, just like your rule that I can’t grab ponies—or dragons—with my magic.”
She finally put him down.
Spike groaned. “Well, it was worth a try. Might as well see how the others are doing.”
Pinkie Pie bounded merrily down the streets of Ponyville, skipping happily along, when she suddenly came upon a pony who she had never seen before.
He was a red and black alicorn, and had a striped zebra mane and bat wings. So, naturally, the entire town flocked to go and see him, and everypony was instant best friends with him.
“Ooh! Ooh! New self-insert alicorn OC!” said Pinkie, racing over to him.
“Hi, I’m Pinkie Pie, and I know EVERY OC in Ponyville! From Midnight Shimmer to Duskraven to Nyx to Littlepip, and everypony in-between. What’s your name?”
“My name…” he said, grabbing a razor blade in his magic, “Is Depressed Daniel Dark’ness Do-right The Fifth, Esquire. I’m Celestia’s long-lost brother, Twilight Sparkle’s real father, Applejack’s cousin, and Rarity’s father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate. Also, I’m the bisexual seventh element of harmony: goth.”
He cut himself with the razor on the neck, but didn’t die since he was invincible.
“Oooooh!” said Pinkie Pie. “Well, since you’re such an important pony and everything revolves around you instead of Twilight, I just have to sing you the welcome song!”
She sang the welcome song just as Spike walked up.
“Pinkie!”
“Oopsie, sorry,” said Pinkie, blushing.
“You promised!” Spike exclaimed, throwing his claws in the air.
“Ah,” said Pinkie, “But I didn’t Pinkie Pie promise.”
Spike face-clawed.
Applejack was inside of her house, relaxing on the couch after a hard day of bucking apple trees. Yeah, in the middle of winter. Nopony quite had the heart to tell her that she wouldn’t get anything off of the dead trees.
“Thanks for helping me out there… Big Macintosh,” she said to her brother, consciously avoiding calling him sugarcube.
“Eeyup,” he said, happy to be an enabler and keep up Applejack's delusions.
“Who wants some iced tea?” asked Granny Smith, walking over with a tray of tea.
“Eeyup,” said Big Macintosh.
“Yum!” said Apple Bloom.
“Y’er darn tootin!” said Applejack, grabbing a glass in her hoof. She started to gulp it down, but then spat it out.
“What’s the matter?” asked Granny Smith.
“It ain’t sweet enough. I think it needs a sugarcube.”
Right before she said “sugarcube,” the door burst open as Spike walked in. All he heard was the word sugarcube. He shook his head in disgust, then shut the door, unaware that the element of honesty was the only one who was actually keeping her promise.
“Spike, wait! I didn’t actually call anypony that!” she yelled at him.
It was too late, and he was already gone.
Rainbow Dash flew through the air over the streets of Ponyville, scouting out someplace where she could show everypony how awesome she was.
Unfortunately, all of their attention was being taken by the red and black alicorn OC in the town square who was busy juggling the sun and the moon all by himself.
“Rats,” said Rainbow Dash. She went over to the town square. All the ponies were gazing in awe at Daniel. But then, Rainbow Dash had an idea.
“Hey everypony!” she yelled. “Look at me!”
Everypony in the crowd looked up, including Spike, who sighed, because Rainbow Dash was talking down to everypony in Ponyville.
“I’m cool too, you know!” she said, pulling off a sonic rainboom.
But her efforts were all for naught, since the alicorn flew up in the air and pulled off a sonic lightningboom like fifty times. It was sweet. You should have been there.
Spike rolled his eyes, but unfortunately didn’t get doubles so he had to stay in jail another three turns.
“Hey, Spike?”
“What?”
“Can I please get out of my new year’s resolution? I’m having a hard time keeping it.”
Spike didn’t answer.
Fluttershy shrunk back. “Uh, if that’s okay with you, that is.”
Spike groaned.
“You’ve obviously already made up your mind, Fluttershy.”
Spike opened the door to the Carousel boutique as he trudged in, staring at the floor.
“Spikey-wikey, what’s the matter?”
“I guess you’ve been saying 'darling' all day, then,” Spike mumbled.
“What? No. This resolution means a lot to me, because it means a lot to you.”
“Well, forget it. Say darling all you want. The others all broke their resolutions.”
Rarity frowned. “I’m sorry to hear that, Spike, darling.” She grinned at being able to say her favorite word again.
“I just wanted you all to get over your bad habits,” said Spike.
Rarity smiled. “Cheer up, Spike. Our mannerisms are what make us special! Without them, we’d be just like everypony else. When you are friends with somepony, you have to take them as they are, warts and all.”
“Yeah, I guess you’re right,” said Spike, smiling back at her.
Spike returned to the library.
“How are the others?” asked Twilight.
Spike chuckled. “Let’s just say you’re not alone in breaking your resolution.”
Twilight giggled. “Told you that new year’s resolutions are meaningless."
Spike wrote in his diary,
Dear diary,
Today I learned that my friends’ bad habits will never be broken, because that’s part of what makes them special and unique ponies. Hasbro can never get rid of their quirks, because then there wouldn’t be a show. And I’m sure that the moral of this story will cause a lot of readers to complain, just like the moral of “Feeling Pinkie Keen” or “Mysterious Mare Do Well” or “Bats!”
Bats. Dat episode.
