Derpin' in the Dark

by JustDancerTroublemaker

Rating: teen
Tags: Derpy Hooves, Applejack, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Comedy
Length: 1651

A parody of grimdark in general, featuring Derpy and AJ! Note that it's my first story.

A parody of grimdark in general, featuring Derpy and AJ! When Derpy gets distracted and crashes at the local Dartboard store, AJ decides to show Derpy around... But where will she begin!? Note: Contains a few sex jokes, but I'm not sure if it's enough for a Sex tag.

Published 2014-01-01 07:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2014-01-01 07:00:02 UTC

Derpin' in the Dark

It was quite the day in Equestria to catch the breeze, especially for a certain grey, muffin-loving Pegasus. Said Pegasus was Derpy Hooves, and she was enjoying the cool breeze to the fullest. She'd taken her time to practice concentration while flying, but then again, if "Safe and Sound" by Capital Cities is the catchiest song ever, it's not smart to listen while flying if you're Derpy Hooves. Inevitably, she crashed, but in a nice place.

"Ooh, I'm at Dartboard! Maybe I should try shopping! ...But what should I buy?" She then remembered her husband's birthday was coming up, and she knew that his invention was in need of an electrically charged, carbon-y object to finish it. "Of course, biscuits shaped like muffins! I bet water in the recipe would make the charge go!" the ditzy mare said to herself, and loudly, too. She attracted the attention of an employee, who looked familiar. If she could just read the name tag...
"Howdy, Derpy!" the employee said. It must be AJ, Derpy thought. "Hey, Applesauce—er, Applejack." Derpy replied. "Did you get a job here? If so, please help me with something." AJ answered, "Ah work here now! Farm's gittin' all faily! What can ah do fer ya?" Derpy explained her need for "electric" and "carbon-y" things, but it wasn't exactly helpful for AJ. "Ah know a bit about electricity, and more 'bout muffins, but that's it. Maybe ah show ya some merchandise?" Derpy approved, and the two began. Sadly for Derpy, in addition to the merchandise being in store (See what I did there?) was a trap.

Applejack started her tour at the store's bakery department. "Ah knew ya had a flair fer muffins, so the bakery whipped up a muffin-shaped biscuit! It's got somethin' acidic, so it must be intristing!" The author (having taken chemistry offscreen and passing with A+) informed Derpy that acids conduct electric current. Derpy then decided, "Send moar to my husband!" as she ate the muffin in a single gulp. "So magnifico!" Derpy exclaimed. "So do yah feel... psychotic?" AJ laughed all evilly and stuff. Turned out the muffin was drugged with actual acid and ketamine, making a diabolical duo! However, to Applejack's dismay, Derpy was still conscious, but still easy to manipulate.

From the perspective of Derpy was pretty much in a trippy state. The colors were saturated, the walls were getting diabetic, and did I also forget that she also saw Applejack being transformed by sunlight rather than moonlight? Also, when Derpy was done seeing Applejack's "transformation," she exclaimed the following:

"Mother of Celestia drunk on 'Safe and Sound'! I've always wanted to meet Hatsune Miku in real bucking life!" For Applejack's evil plot (pun maybe intended) to work, she'd have to play along. "Yep, Ah'm Hatsune Miku," Applejack said in her best Japanese accent. "Want to ride my awesome fun train of leek-flavored goodness? Then hold on tight to my guts!" Derpy grabbed on, and in the style of the "X Grab my Y" meme, AJ carried her victim to a room labeled Employees Only. She entered, then took Derpy to an elevator with a keyboard near it. Now ta type in that cipher er code er whatever!, thought Applejack. She punched in the five lines of code with her tongue, enjoying every microsecond way too much.

Fgnefuvcf jrer zrnag gb syl
Ubbirf hc naq gbhpu gur fxl
Yrg'f qb guvf bar ynfg gvzr
Pna'g fgbc
Jr'er uvture guna n zbgureohpxre

A bell signified the success of the code, and the elevator opened, so AJ dragged Derpy in with her. AJ could now get to the fun part. Preparation would be easier now that the poisoned buscuit muffin did what it was supposed to do: knock out Derpy.
When Derpy woke, she thought, Well, that was one big trip. Where am I? She then realized she was stuck to a table by 2,222,222 Spongebob© bandages on her forehead, wings, and torso. "Anypony here?" she asked. A familiar Texan voice answered, "Well, well, well, de-bleach my mane! We can have fun now!" Turns out, the voice was Applejack's. "Hey, you're not Hatsune Miku!" Derpy exclaimed. "You're just Jappleack—I mean Applejack! Now tell me why I'm here!" Applejack began ranting.
"Ya see, Sweet Apple Acres recently got all faily thanks to a drought, and the crops done wilted into one dimension! Ta rub salt in mah wounds, the prices ta enter markets just went higher than a jump by pig in boiling oil at noon on the summer solstice! Ah had to take great risks, so ah got this job! But, somepony thought it would be funny ta pay me less than minimum wage! Now, I have ta gut ponies fer fertilizer! And it's been workin' good!"
"So, to recap, you're going to remove one of my kidneys?" Derpy asked. "Because I had planned to donate it." Applejack sighed. She then yelled, "Ah am removing everything, and you will shut up and deal with it!" Then she went to pull out a knife, and scraped Derpy with it. However, instead of drawing blood from Derpy, Applejack accidentally drew her own blood. Why? It's because Derpy yelled, "That's not my kidney!"

"Listen," AJ said in a Jappleack-esque tone. "Nopony has ever dared speak out. They're good mares and stallions. You ain't! Think of this as a human—make that equine sacrifice!" Derpy remarked, "That's been outlawed by the Equestrian Rights to Life Act of 1064. I fact-checked it. Let's also not forget the fact that earth ponies are supposed to be good gardeners or whatever! Just stop it!" Applejack had snapped. She yelled out, "No! Forget it!" At that point, she attempted to plunge her knife into Derpy's... how do I put this... Let's say if Applejack had hit successfully, Derpy would have been neutered, much to the ire of certain (but not all) fans of Dinky (she hasn't been born yet in this timeline). If you are one of those guys, you can breathe now; the knife missed. Applejack realized it was going to be hard to pull it out, she did what she usually did under great frustration: turn around and buck something! However, she made a bad choice on what to buck: she accidentally knocked Derpy's table near a wall with a phone. Derpy had a stroke of luck because the vibration caused the phone to fall and hit preset button 5, then speakerphone! Hopefully the number would be helpful...

"Hi! This is Luna's Pizza Service! You want delivery?" So it was Princess Luna on the phone! Why the hay she was doing pizza delivery of all things, Derpy didn't know, but it was pretty good news—she could be saved!
"I'd like a medium-large white pan pizza—and some serious help!" Derpy yelled into the phone. "Hold on a moment! You must be the ever-famous Derpy! Where do you want your delivery?" Luna asked. "The Dartboard store at Satellite Lane, and the Employees Only Room elevator! And hurry! I think somepony wants to—mfmmfffmffff!!!" Derpy was forced off by Applejack, and she was not happy. "You gon' pay hard fer this!" Applejack yelled before smashing the phone.
"Ah've got no choice but cuttin' ta the chase!" Applejack yelled, as she pulled the knife out of the wall. She then jumped at Derpy... only to miss and get stuck under the table. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" AJ yelled. At this point, a third voice said, "Yes, that's it!"

The elevator door opened, and guess what was revealed? That's right, Luna came (unrealistically fast) but in addition to her pizza delivery were 2 ponies with her! Doctor Whooves and Granny Smith! Naturally, a strain of NC-17-rated profanities spewed out of Applejack's mouth. Granny Smith then commented, "Applejack, ah knew somethin' was rotten in Fillydelphia when the princess called me over! You'd better explain all this, and now!" Applejack, however, was too dumbstruck to say anything. Doctor Whooves then spoke up. "Shame on you, Applejack. First, you really don't deserve holding the Element of Honesty if you've been lying about the whole 'killing ponies for fertilizer' fiasco. Second, I care for my wife 20 times as much as her fanbase does, and if the latter would maul you to death over this, you clearly know how I feel about you!" Luna had to restrain him, saying, "That's enough, Doctor. Let me work my magic." Her horn began to glow a seductive shade of silver, which began happening to Applejack. "But ah… Was supposed… Ta win…" Bang! She'd been trapped in the clutches of an extremely lengthy nightmare. "Can ya tell me what she's dreaming of?" Granny Smith asked. "Just Dance 2014 meets My Immortal. That is all," Luna answered. Naturally, Derpy burst out laughing. "Now help me out, please!" she yelled. Luna's horn glow changed to a Mario-like red, as did the bandages. "It's not going to hurt at all!" Luna remarked in a happy-go-lucky tone.

RRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIPPPPPP!

"Yowch!" exclaimed Derpy. Some of her fur and feathers were waxed off. Luna's horn now was glowing Luigi-green. "Let me fix that for you," she commented in the same tone. It grew back. "Much better. Thanks," Derpy said. She then got closer to her husband. "I'm sorry this happened. I didn't plan for this to happen." Doctor answered, "Don't be." The two then hugged. "So, Luna, the pizza I ordered—" Derpy began. Luna cut her off. "After all you've been through, it should be on me. Now here's the pizza, you two have fun." Then she looked at Applejack. "Granny Smith and I have stuff to do." Doctor, looking at Derpy, said, "I fixed the machine while you were away. It's a teleportation device! Let's use the thing and get out of here!" Derpy answered, "Of course! Let's have that birthday pizza. Yes, I remembered for the first time! Happy birthday." With that, they could at last get out of there.