DASHIE'S DAKIMAKURA DECISION

by GeodesicDragon

Dear CyberSp0nge (if that's even your real name),

I just saw your little cartoon about me, and I've got some things I want to get off my chest. You said a lot of crap about me in that video, and I think I have every right to put you in your place.

First of all: When you first see my likeness, I am wearing some kind of skimpy outfit. Let me tell you now, pal, that Rainbow Dash isn't that kind of mare. That outfit is nowhere near as slutty as the stuff I usually wear to bed — which is nothing. Got it?

Secondly: Does Lyra know about this plush you humans seem to be so fond of? If she doesn't, she will soon — and I guarantee you that she will relish in the fact that so many members of the species she idolises fantasise about her in this way. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if she came the second I told her.

Only twenty-seven seconds into the video, and I came across an inconsistency. First of all, my boobs were on my chest — now they're near my crotch? Also, they seem kinda small the second time you see them. But I digress — 36DD, on the chest. Happy?

Who the heck is Lauren Faust, and why would she care about this weirdo — wait, that's another thing: who is the creep with the ginger hair, and why does he make me feel so nauseous? After seeing him, and the perverse look he always seem to have on his face, I made the decision to start closing my windows. This means that Soarin' and the rest of the Wonderbolts can't come in for a quick peek and a screw, but that is a small price to pay to avoid being violated any more than this video implies that I have.

Skipping past the 'Hasbro' and 'third-party printing' stuff, we come to the next thing I want to make clear. I don't lie like that, on my stomach with my forelegs crossed. I lie on my back, with everything on display for whatever stallion I happen to be with.

I'm not sure how Rarity, Pinkie or Twilight would react to the fact their images are also on these 'dakimakuras', though I can probably guess. Rarity would probably be offended to Tartarus and back (and Spike would order one as soon as he could), Pinkie would be glad of any excuse to throw a 'people jizz all over my likeness' party, and Twilight would see it as an opportunity to conduct some research into what crippling loneliness can do to a person (they're ordering one of these things, so they must be alone).

I'm not sure whether or not to be flattered or outraged about how much porn there is of me out there. Part of me thinks it is hot, considering there are so many awesome images, but the other part of me is wondering why I haven't seen a single bit in royalties.

And Scootaloo doesn't have that much porn of me — she only has a couple of pictures she took while I was sleeping. The little filly is good at hiding things, but I'll find them eventually. It's actually Fluttershy who has the honour of having the most pictures — all the time we were in flight camp together can do that.

The day I let myself get so fat I'd want to eat someone – literally – is the day I die. Ugh, the mere thought of it makes me want to go to Fluttershy's place and punch puppies.

How many dakimakuras does this guy need? There is no way that anypony could have that much time on their hands to go through each and every one of them! They would need to have more cum than every pornstar on both Equestria and Earth!

Credit where it's due, though, you captured my 'ready to receive a facial' expression perfectly at the 1:48 mark. Also, this guy's basement is a bigger dump than I am, if you catch my drift.

While I am usually eager to 'add another streak of colour to my hair', I wouldn't be so willing to do so if I had that freak standing over me. Nor would I have that expression on my face as he was ploughing me with his microscopic dick.

I gotta say, though, I'm impressed at how awesomely sexy I'd look if I had a dick. Not to mention the fact that I'd be so well hung, even Big Macintosh would be jealous. And if a dick that big makes my tits even bigger — shit, I'm getting hot just thinking about it.

I hear you when you say AJ is dumb. I've tried to get that mare into bed so many times, but she's too thick to see it. She just thinks I want to sleep with her as a friend, and not because I want to fuck her brains out with the strap-on I keep under my bed. At least Fluttershy was more accommodating — well, she was after a few months and she got used to how big it was.

And the only time I would go near this 'Cuthwald' character with a strap-on would be if it had a knife in the end of it. But at least he's in jail now, so hopefully he'll get all the cum he wants there. Because if I had a dick, I wouldn't waste a drop on him. I'd save it for Twilight's brother... once I was finished with Cadence.

In closing: you seem to have captured my slutty side rather well, apart from the inconsistencies I mentioned earlier. As for the video, I can only say one thing about it.

10/10, would clop again.

Now, I'm going to Twilight's to see if she has a spell to give me a dick. I just hope she has a few hours to spare if she does — because she'll be the first one I test it on.

Yours sluttishly,

Rainbow 'Danger Professionalism' Dash

Author's Note

THIS STORY IS NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY.

That is all.