Chapter 1
There's a statue that stands in the Canterlot Gardens that's not quite the same as the others. It depicts what they call a Draconequus, a mish-mash of features from creatures of every shape and every size. The detail is exquisite, but something seems off with the pose. Its face wears a visage of terror. The misshapen mouth gapes open in a scream. Eagle claw and lion paw are outstretched as if trying to fend off some horrible foe...
Because, as I'm sure you've imagined, being on the wrong side of the Elements of Harmony is not as enviable a position as it sounds. When the most powerful magic in all Equestria is arrayed against you, letting them get your good side is not the first thing on your mind.
Or perhaps it is. Don’t be afraid to admit it; I’m not one to judge.
Now, where was I?
Oh, yes, right -- Yes, I am that statue of which I speak: Discord! Spirit of Chaos, Lord of Disorder... and exhibit in the Canterlot Statue Gardens. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. There was a time once when I was feared and respected. Back when I was free, they used to tremble at the very sound of my name. These days, however, they’re all lining up to take souvenir pictures with “that dreadful-looking statue over by the rose bushes.” It’s just not enough for these ponies that I’m down, you see. They have to kick me to boot.
So you must understand that I’m terribly, awfully, monstrously mad. How could I not be? I’ve done nothing but sit and look nice in Celestia’s yard for eons on end! Do you know how much I could have done with all that time? How insufferably boring it is to stand still all day, every day, for a century and nine-quarters of an hour?
How half of all gossip that comes out of a pony’s mouth has to do with the weather?
Ahem.
But to dwell on such matters is to live in the past, and it’s a pain in the rear to mess with the past. The future, on the other hand, is not set in stone, so it’s much more exciting to think on the things yet to come.
Such as my imminent escape.
The spell that's been keeping me under lock and key has been weakening as of late. Little by little, year by year. Not that any pony has cared enough to notice. Perhaps if they'd ever bothered to wipe off the bird droppings, or give me a shine, they might have spotted the sinister-looking crack that's begun to spread across my base. Celestia might have been informed, and the spell might have been reinforced with double-bonds. That's complacency for you, though. Certainly not my fault that they've failed to notice the signs.
I, on the other hand, have had very little to do but pay attention to such minute details as these, and I do believe that today is the day I get free.
(Gasp!)
It’s true! And as a consummate liar, I don’t say that lightly. I’ve been poking and prodding and carefully watching my prison for years. I know just how strong it is, and I know that right now I’m stronger. After spending so long in decline, the spell's but a shell of its former self, a rather cheap substitute for something that could contain the awesome might of Discord.
So I think it's time that we put it to the test, and see how miserably it fails.
There's still a terrific strain involved, of course -- even when weakened, the power of Harmony's a respectable force -- but it's doable. The trick is to throw yourself against the spell until one of you breaks. No panache to the procedure, but I do so like to break things.
Great chunks of stone begin to flake off of my body, and for the first time in a century, I can feel the warm summer air on my scales. Doesn't that feel good! Sure, the muscles feel stiff and my back is killing me, but I'm free as a bird, and more handsome by far. The last remnants of my statuefied form slough off with a shake, making my escape official. A round of applause, fillies and gentlecolts: Discord is free!
And there are witnesses too! A couple of tourist ponies from some rural backlot I can't care to name. Their eyes are bulging in shock, and it looks just like they're ready to give a shout. A quick bit of magic fixes that wonderfully, though, and before you know it, they're a beautiful pair of butterflies. Much more colorful, far less yappy, and altogether unlikely to sound the alarm. That's a marked improvement over the original model, and I didn't even have to make them into statues.
Everywhere I look, there are more ponies who’ve had the honor of seeing my triumphant return. It’s a crying shame that none of them can finish their sentences, though.
"Hel--"
"It's Disc--"
"Run for i--"
All of the above from ponies who are -- rather mysteriously -- transformed into a chicken, a tree, and a three-toucan trombone ensemble before they can get all the words out. Honestly, you leave for a century and suddenly no pony remembers how to carry on a good conversation.
Discounting those unfortunate incidents, however, I'm ultimately very satisfied with my tour of the Gardens. A stroll through Equestria's newest madhouse was just what I needed to stretch out my legs and get back in the game. Flooding the labyrinth with shaving cream was a brilliant move, if I do say so myself, and the bees in the bird-feeders... Discord, aren't you a genius?
You’d never have guessed that this place was once orderly, or that half of the wildlife used to have hooves. No, no. You'd look at the puce-painted statues and gaze on the just-planted palm trees, and be too overwhelmed to think much about it. I'd lose my mind in it too if I stared long enough. Chaos is just so bewitching that way.
All said and all done, I'd call this an excellent warm-up, a glorious sign of things yet to come.
“And now,” I whisper, staring up at the Canterlot Castle. “I think it’s time we move on to the main event.”
In a corner of the Gardens that’s not quite as insane as the others, an off-key trombone wails to herald the end.
And it’s music to my ears.
Chapter 2
You may be asking me now how I intend to get into the Canterlot Castle. "Why, Discord," you're saying, no doubt. "This is the most heavily-guarded location in all the land of Equestria. However do you think you'll get in?"
Well, since you were so kind as to ask, I'll tell you:
Through the front door.
A-duuuuuuuuuuh.
No, really. It's just that simple. The security here is atrocious, and completely unsuited to stopping a threat of my scale. Oh, it might keep out the usual riff-raff, but if Celestia ever thought that ponies and some minor spells would give me a pause, she's been sadly mistaken...
Moreso than usual, at any rate.
I land right in front of the gate to the palace, which is guarded by a couple of gold-armored pegasi. They're the kind of guard you'd see cast from a mold: stoic and dull and completely identical. Takes me about two seconds flat to crack their tiny little minds, leaving them both with a newly-found passion for opera.
"Good day, gentlecolts," I say, strolling up. "Would either of you mind if I moseyed on in?"
A throaty duet of Beethoofen's Fidelio doesn't sound like any objection I'd recognize, so I pry open the gate and move on without further ado. The two guards are too busy mangling classical music to chase me, making this effort to break into the Castle a rousing success. Not that there was any doubt about it, of course.
The rest of the thugs Celestia has loitering about the premises are non-issues. Most of them are helped into a liberating madness by yours truly, the rest quickly find themselves stuck in a desert roughly two-thousand miles Southways from here. All without giving dear old Celestia any reason to suspect something's wrong.
Suffice to say that I'm not unduly distracted when I begin roaming the Castle.
Well, at least, not by the guards. The architecture, on the other hand, gets under my scales like a bad itch. The corridors are all straight and narrow, painstakingly decorated with all that Equestria's finest craftsponies have to offer. From the archways of gold to the antique wood furnishings, you can tell that great pains were taken for this place to make sense, and I don't like that one bit.
What I want to do more than anything now is tear all this down, not just screw it up, like my mischief in the Gardens. I want to destroy this palace. Brick by obscenely-expensive marble brick. The halls and the walls are all soaked through with harmony, and as a self-respecting spirit of chaos, I just can't let that stand. Everything here simply must go.
But not yet. I could do it all now if I were so inclined, but I won't. No. When I ruin this place, I want it to mean something big. When I've well and truly won -- when Discord is undisputed master of all Equestria -- then I'll get rid of the Canterlot Castle. The final nail in the coffin for all those who'd still cherish hope in the power of Harmony.
A tad over-the-top? Why, yes, I'd say so. I've had a hundred years spent with nothing to do but plot revenge, so I think I can be excused for saying that I want it to hurt when it happens. We’ll call it reparations -- a gift from the ponies for all the trouble they’ve caused me.
Because I do so like getting gifts.
At any rate, the warm fuzzy thoughts of my eventual revenge make my journey through the Castle easier to manage. I just grin and bear it as I pass all those crystal chandeliers and priceless oil paintings of the nobility. Don't even bother drawing goatees on them (which takes self-restraint, let me tell you).
I'm even all smiles when I finally reach the double-doors of Celestia's throne room. Big, beautiful doors, they are too -- one painted a dazzling red-orange, and the other a soothing dark-blue. The Sun and the Moon. How quaint.
It's no skin off my bones, though. I don't even break stride as I brush the guards aside --
-- and kick those doors right out of their hinges.
Kacrack!
For just a split second, the sky outside goes pitch-black. Lightning flashes, thunder booms, and a deep, roaring laugh fills the room.
Poor Celestia, rest her soul, is so stunned by my flair for dramatic entrance that she just sits on her throne with her mouth hanging open. Unseemly behavior for a Princess. You’d think she’d have better manners than that.
So long as she’s not planning to greet me, though, I think it falls to me, as a courteous guest, to introduce myself.
“Hello, Celestia!” I pleasantly shout. “It’s me! Your old pal, Discord! Remember?”
Still no response. I really did give her a scare, didn't I?
Her guards, on the other hand (always, more guards), have the good courtesy to respond by closing in on me. Unicorns, these ones are. They’re moving in slowly, malice in their eyes, horns aglow with some of the most powerful magic the Royal Academy can teach.
I have to try my absolute hardest not to laugh.
As if they could ever hope to hurt me.
“Really now, Celestia,” I say, keeping things conversational. “Is this any way to treat a guest? Some pony might get hurt.”
The guards, being simpletons who don’t understand when they’re outmatched, continue their ill-advised advance. I could deal with them easily, but I’m not in the mood. All I can do is sit back and yawn them off, until...
“Stop,” commands the Princess, having finally come to her senses. “Leave us.”
With the kind of obedience you couldn’t find in a robot, the guards all comply. Oh, they grimace and glare at me while they’re doing it, but they’ve apparently learned not to question their orders. They bow once in the throne’s direction, and file out of the room, fixing the door magically and closing it shut behind them.
Which really only cements my belief that Celestia should have pursued a career as an animal trainer.
When every pony is safely out of earshot, and the room fills up with that awkward silence, I decide to revive our conversation. “So, what were you doing before I dropped in? Dinner? State-of-the-realm reports? Tax--”
“What do you want, Discord?” Celestia hisses, not even trying to hide the disdain in her voice. That’s always been her problem, you know: no fun at all while doing business.
Not that it’s any trouble. I’m an actor at heart, and having practiced my lines quite thoroughly, a few bad feelings aren’t enough to throw me off.
“Well, I thought that would have been obvious! Think, now: Discord’s spent the last century as an enormously handsome statue. Is it possible that he’s angry?"
“How did you escape?”
I give my best and most-menacing smile, displaying a few rows of tiger, lion, and bear teeth. “Oh, Celestia, there's no need to play stupid with me. We both knew this day would come. Sooner or later. How long do you think ponies live if you don’t feed them? Two weeks? Three, tops?”
This one hits home. Celestia looks down, seeming more sad than hateful. Her flowing rainbow mane dips down a bit in sorrow. She’s realizing now what’s happened, and how obvious it must have been. The Bearers of the Elements of Harmony are -- or were -- all mortal, and quite a bit of time has passed since they sealed me away. With their rather timely deaths at the hands of old age, the Elements have been left without ponies to Bear them.
And that’s exactly the sort of tragedy that would weaken my prison, giving me a good chance to break free.
“So which one of them bit the dust first?” I continue. “Fluttershy? Rainbow Dash? Please don’t tell me it was Pinkie Pie. I liked Pinkie Pie best.”
Celestia droops even further, looking more pitiful than ever. The death of her subjects must have been pressing hard on her mind... And now she realizes that they've also led to the escape of her worst-ever enemy. So much bad news, and so little good.
What sort of monster would press her with questions like these, in her obvious state of despair?
Oh, that’s right.
“Applejack? Rarity? Or, perhaps, your favorite student, Twilight Sparkle?”
The mention of her student breaks Celestia out of her torpor. She snaps up with a fire in her eyes and gives me a look so sour that it could kill me dead on the spot. “You stay away from her, Discord!”
“Ah. So she’s still among the living.”
Poor thing. You can tell that she wasn’t prepared for this conversation at all. She’s shifting and fidgeting on her throne now, dimly aware that I have the upper hoof, but completely unwilling to concede the advantage. Reminds me of a rabid dog, come to think of it. Too dead-set on fighting to care that she’s being beaten.
More awkward silence seeps in. The thankless task of breaking it falls to me again.
“You know, Celestia. I figured out what my problem was last time."
"You have, have you?”
"Oh, yes. I got cocky, you see. I got complacent. I threw a little gum into the machinery and thought that entitled me to declare victory.”
“And then you lost,” says the Princess. “Chaos lost. Just as you deserved.”
No need to dignify that with a response. “And then I realized, after the fact, that I had fallen into all of your pitfalls. I’d thought that my wonderful new throne was just as secure as you think yours is, even though I’d barely bothered to protect it at all. Clearly, I lost because--”
“Because the power of friendship was stronger.”
I’m getting so tired of the Princess. She’s not one for discussion at all. Really, Celestia, is that all you can do? Repeat all those lines about how strong friendship and harmony are, like a broken record?
It’s horribly tempting to tear her a new one, just to shut her up, but I’m above taking risks like that now. Sure, she’s not quite a match for me on her own, but on her home turf, and with Luna skulking around somewhere...
If they were really intent on taking me down...
If they honestly thought there were no other option...
Hm...
Yes, I think it’s best that we don’t test that out. Low as my opinion of the Princess may be, I won’t deny that there’s some power in her. Not quite enough, but some.
So I stick to the plan and stick to talking around her. Words, but no deeds. A confrontation’s not what I need just yet. Not until I can stack all the odds in my favor.
“Clearly, I lost because I hadn’t been paying enough attention to the details. I left too much unsaid and undone, and that’s what did me in at the end. But I’ve realized the error of my ways -- I learn, you see. This time around, I’m going to be playing every angle, as any good mastermind should.”
In the blink of an eye, I’m up on the throne, with a paw wrapped around the Princess. “And, might I say, Celestia. You’re rather a cute little angle.”
She pushes me back in a radiant burst of magic, which I find a bit cold. I’d thought we were better acquaintances than that.
“So then why are you here?” Celestia asks with a rueful little smile. “Shouldn’t you be outside, ruining Equestria and terrorizing my subjects?”
“Oh, don’t be so obtuse. You know and I know that I could do that at any time. But every other pony's a pawn in this game. You’re the only piece that's really worth taking, so I’ve come to offer you a deal.”
“A deal.” Still with that smile. I’m going to enjoy wiping that off her face.
“That’s right! For a limited time only, I’m prepared to let you hand me Equestria!”
“In exchange for...?”
“Not ruining Twilight Sparkle’s last days.”
I wish I had a camera right now, just so that I could have captured the exact moment when I burst Celestia’s bubble. Her smirk slides right off and is immediately replaced by a snarl.
It was a low blow, and we both know it.
“I could stop you,” she growls.
“On the whole, I think not,” I bluff right back.
This is it. This is what I live for. Celestia knows what I’m threatening, and I can see in her face that she fears it more than anything else in the world.
She actually believes that I’d go and dig the elderly Twilight Sparkle an early grave.
And maybe I would, but that’s beside the point.
Every pony has a problem, you see. Some moreso than others. With enough time and effort, and some careful skill, you can exploit this fact for both fun and profit. You can force them to face that which haunts their innermost dreams, and you can watch with some popcorn as they fail to beat it. For all the airs the Princess puts on, she knows she has demons of her own, and in this one conversation, I’ve sussed them all out.
This is where it starts, Celestia. Now begins the slow downhill slide.
Perhaps you can join Twilight at the bottom!
Discord: 1. Celestia: 0.
A minute passes with us just standing there, the Princess and I. Her trying to figure out all the ways to describe how she hates my guts, and me thinking just how delicious all the walls would look if I turned them into banana taffy.
Not to mention enjoying Celestia’s breakdown-in-progress. Just look! You can practically see the foam forming at her mouth. Ha! Careful now, Princess. Don’t want to pop a vein!
And then, in a flash, a fireball is launched. Too quick for me to dodge altogether. It impacts on my stomach and sticks there for a second before it finally dissipates, leaving a patch of charred fur and the intense sensation of being roasted alive.
She attacked me!
She actually--
How dare--
I see her up on her throne, sniggering at my obvious discomfort, and I bite down on my tongue to avoid crying out. She doesn't deserve the satisfaction.
Or the chance to launch another one.
But oh, I’ll remember this, when I’ve had the last laugh.
I can still feel it burning!
“Fine then, Celestia,” I say, speaking through gritted teeth. "You've had your fun."
Pause just long enough to let her finish laughing...
“Now think of what this cost your dear student.”
And, disappearing in a cloud of bright purple smoke, I leave her with that; giving her some time to regret what she’s done.
