Celestia snuggled deeper into the warmth of her sheets. Their soft, velvet touch caressed her body in a luxurious hold she never wanted to break. The fluffiness of her pillow drowned her thoughts in the sea of sweet dreams. She wanted nothing else but to drift away in the eternal bliss of slumber and not be disturbed by anything else.
And she would’ve gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling Discord, and her stupid hangover!
Discord shuffled beside her and stole some of her sheets, wrapping himself in a warm cocoon of coziness while leaving Celestia to fend for herself in the harsh conditions of the naked bedside. The chill hit her like a knockout punch and sent an involuntary shiver down her spine.
“Give me back my sheets,” Celestia half-consciously muttered, reaching out feebly for the wintertime protection of her blankets.
Instead of the snug softness of the sheets like she was expecting, she instead received the backstabbing gift of cold toes of a reptilian nature brushing up against her backside. “What was that, Tia deary?” Discord asked, running his toes up and down Celestia’s back. “You need to speak a bit louder.”
Celestia shrieked and rolled away from the icy doom of unclipped toenails. This led her to a really close meeting with the floor of her room, a marble that was colder than the worst blizzards of the frozen north. “For the love of… Discord, cease your blanket hoarding this instance!” Celestia cried out wearily.
Discord peeked over the bed at the fallen Celestia and stuck his tongue out at her. “Well sorry, princess, but you hogged all the blankets last night, so now it’s my turn.”
“Well, this is my bed, and these are my blankets” Celestia grumbled with rising resentment in her tone. Still in a half-daze of sleep, she tried to get back on all fours before giving up and dragging herself back up.
“Well, aren’t we the blanket tyrant?” Discord giggled, moving over for her. Celestia finally managed to get back into bed and instantly snatched Discord’s sheets in a desperate bid to get warmer.
“Yes. Exigent circumstances. I am exhausted…” Celestia yawned, slinking deeper into the comfort of her mattress and pillows, “and surprisingly hungover, for an alicorn. Mrrrrh.”
Discord grabbed some blankets himself and tried to keep his body encased in a warm enough embrace without freezing from the chill of the room. “I could say the same thing.”
“Then don’t say anything,” Celestia mumbled, already drifting off to dreamland with a small trail of saliva falling from her open mouth.
Holding up three fingers, Discord slowly closed each digit into his fist and whispered at the same time, “Three, two, one…”
“Discord!?” Celestia shrieked, springing from the mattress and skillfully aligning on the frigid marble floor with the demonstrated grace of a loud and painful thwack. “How—what—kindly explain exactly what you are doing in my bed?”
“Tia, really now? You don’t remember a thing from last night?” Discord asked, eyebrow raised.
Celestia winced as the pounding in her head hit her like a herd of oblivious, rampaging buffalo. “Nothing. I don’t remember a thing. Just… everything is a whirl. Then it just cut out to black.”
“Like a very cliched movie ending?”
“Actually… yes, exactly like that.” Celestia groaned and managed to sit up on wobbling knees, before she went icy still in mute horror. “Oh, oh no. Please tell me we didn’t…” With a gulp, Celestia bumped her hooves together and glanced at Discord with an mortified expression.
“Hoof-bumping?” Discord asked. Grabbing his left goat leg and inspecting the hoof, he shrugged. “Or in my case, would it count as hoof-kicking? Actually, then wouldn’t your’s count as hoof-fisting? Oh wait, no, I think that term is used for something else…”
“Discord! Please! Focus.” Celestia sighed and composed herself the best she could with the colossal mountain of a migraine that could only come from a prodigious amount of alcohol and dealing with Discord too early in the morning. “Do you remember anything at all about last night that would explain why the two of us would end up in the same… bed?” Celestia practically spat the last word out with a grimace.
“I was just as sauced, bossed, and jossed as you, my dear,” Discord replied with a sly grin. “I do recall it was New Years though, so happy that pointless holiday. Other than that, I do have some vague memories of general debauched revelry.”
“With me?” Celestia asked worriedly.
“Especially with you,” Discord answered back, grin growing more devious by the second. “Though, I don’t know how much you drank. Maybe my good friend, Captain Manegan, can tell us.”
Discord withdrew an empty bottle with a smiling and dashingly good-looking pirate on the front. “Argh, the wench drank her fill of rum in the size of her ample booty!” the stallion on the bottle said. “Which I might add, is quite large! Argh!”
“Yeah, anyone who isn’t blind can see that, Cap,” Discord said, throwing the bottle over his shoulder with the sound of glass smashing in the background shortly aferward. “So looks like we both got smashed and then bashed on that fine New Years night, wouldn’t you say?”
“No, and neither should you!” Celestia said quickly. Throwing hasty looks all across her room, she whispered, “We can’t let anyone else know about this. Not Luna, not Twilight, and especially none of the press. This will blow to a full-fledged scandal if word got out.”
“But, Celestia! My beauty, my love, the diamond in the rough dirt of my life. How can you deny our special night in such a callous manner? Do your feelings deceive you now without the unclear vision of beer-goggles? Is your heart no longer pointing in the right direction because you can’t stand without falling over from tipsiness?” Discord asked in a faux-dramatic tone, holding a hand to his forehead. “And here I thought we had something special!”
“Discord, zip it!” Celestia hissed. “Must you wax melodramatic so loudly? What we had was just a one-night-stand. Nothing else.”
“Well fine, if that’s how you feel about it!” Discord got out of bed and snatched Celestia’s nightstand from beside her bed. “I’ll take that one nightstand and be on my way then.”
“What? No, no, that’s not what I—you’re seriously taking my nightstand?”
“And here I thought you cared about our relationship.” Discord shook his head sadly and shrugged the nightstand under his arm. “But, I guess it’s just me and nightstand again, just like old times.”
Celestia sighed deeply and rubbed the bridge of her nose slowly. “Fine, fine, whatever. Just please, don’t tell anyone about this.”
“Don’t worry, Tia. Your secret is safe with me... and nightstand here.” Discord patted his nightstand in an affectionate manner. “Isn’t that right, nightstand?”
Celestia facehoofed. “Discord, the nightstand isn’t even—actually, considering this is you, it could be.” Eying the nightstand with a questioning glare, she said, “And if it is, telling anything that happened in this room could lead to harsh repercussions. Such as a woodchipper, if need be.”
Discord covered both sides of the nightstand with his hands, almost as if he was covering its ears. “Celestia, don’t scare nightstand like that!”
Her left eye twitching uncontrollably, Celestia ran a hoof down her face and groaned, “I really need some coffee… and some advil.” Walking to her door, Celestia called over her shoulder, “Remember what I said, Discord! No one must know! Keep it secret! Keep it safe!”
As she left her room, the first thing she saw was her sister Luna leaving her own room in the same manner, throwing shifty glances down both sides of the hall.
“Luna. I… didn’t expect to see you awake so early,” Celestia said when Luna caught her gaze. “I mean, I remember you at the party last night and everything, but I didn’t know you’d be awake right now. Not that that’s a bad thing, of course! It’s just so pleasant we can have breakfast together.”
“Oh, yes, the party,” Luna said, rubbing the back of her tousled mane. “I remember you as well. It sure was… something.”
“Did you remember anything from it?” Celestia asked hastily. Stopping short of lunging at her sister for an answer, Celestia composed herself and leaned nonchalantly against the door. “I mean, I sure do, but I know how much of a lightweight you can be.”
“Oh, I remember bits and pieces. Things got a bit confusing later on in the night.” Luna’s face blushed red for a short moment. “But other than that… a pretty nice New Years.”
“Y-yeah, it was, wasn’t it?” Celestia nodded her head rapidly, and then stopped short and rubbed her hoof against her forehead with a pained expression. “Just a completely normal, typical, and uneventful New Years with absolutely no surprises next to you in bed or anywhere else.”
“Yes, I agree,” Luna replied just as quickly as Celestia nodded. “Now then, to get our minds off of our collective hangovers, shall we depart to breakfast?”
Just then, Twilight trudged around the corner of the castle hallway, her mane a complete mess and her face showing she was still half-asleep with dark bags under her eyes. Walking past Celestia and Luna without a glance, she muttered, “Happy frickin’ New Years,” before departing from the pair down the hall.
“What do you think that was about?” Luna said.
“It might have something to do with the beer-can tower we saw her building last night,” Celestia replied.
“Wasn’t Discord helping her by holding her up so she could complete the twelfth row?”
“Yeah, I think so—not like I noticed Discord at the party or anything like that,” Celestia said, looking away quickly. “I think he left early.”
“Yeah, I think you’re right,” Luna agreed, both sisters now sweating up a storm as they avoided eye contact.
“So… breakfast?” Celestia asked with a sheepish smile.
“Sounds delightful,” Luna said, leaving with Celestia and following Twilight down to the castle kitchen.
Walking out of Celestia’s room with nightstand tucked under his arm, Discord grinned at the departing princesses while waving goodbye. “So, Discord, did you have a good time?” Discord asked the second Discord, who had just exited Luna’s room.
Stretching, his back snapped, crackled, and popped, Discord replied with a satisfied sigh. “As well as any. Luna kicks in her sleep, though.”
“I noticed Celestia is quite the snorer,” Discord laughed, copying her loud, obnoxious snores while Discord giggled like a schoolfilly. “I swear, I could have been sleeping next to a pig and I wouldn’t have known the difference!”
“You both don’t have anything on Twilight,” Discord called down from around the corner, meeting the two with a snide grin on his face. “She actually talks in her sleep!”
“She does not!”
“Oh, she does, she does,” Discord said with a nod. “And I quote ‘Licking doorknobs on other planets is illegal.’ You don’t even wanna know what she said about her mother!”
“Well, Discord, I think last night was quite the success, don’t you think?” Discord asked Discord.
“I concur. Don’t you agree, Discord?”
Discord nodded. “Oh, I do believe so. Just a shame the three of them didn’t return our feelings, am I right? Can just tear a guy’s heart apart, isn’t that right, Discord?”
“Indeed, Discord, indeed,” Discord said sadly, patting Discord on the back. “But luckily for us, only me, Discord, Discord, Luna, Celestia, and Twilight know about this.”
“Yes, it’d be such a shame if anyone else found out about this, right Discord?” Discord asked, his mismatched eyes shining with a devilish glint.
“It would sure be a travesty, Discord, it sure would.” Discord held up the nightstand he acquired from Celestia’s room. “Oh, but Discord, you forgot about nightstand. Nightstand here knows everything that happened last night.”
“It does?” Discord asked, rubbing his claws together.
Discord opened nightstand’s drawer, revealing a plethora of images and photos. “Oh, it does, it does. It’d be an absolute disaster if anything nightstand knows were revealed to the public, wouldn’t you say, Discord?”
“Oh, I couldn’t agree more, Discord.” Nudging Discord on the shoulder, Discord asked, “Discord, what do you think we should do?”
Discord tapped his chin in deep thought. “Discord, I propose we milk this blackmail for all its worth. All those in favor?” Discord raised his hand, then Discord joined in, and finally Discord raised his own palm as well. “Then let the motion carry.”
“Undoubtedly,” Discord said.
“Indubitably,” Discord added on.
“Pancakes,” Discord finished. “Discord, you think we can get the princesses to make us some?”
“Only one way to find out, Discord,” Discord replied, rubbing the nightstand under his arm in a loving manner. “I think they’ll make us them with some motivation from nightstand here.”
“Oh Discord, you dog, you!” Discord laughed, punching Discord lightly on the arm.
Discord joined in on the laughter, walking down the hall with both Discord and Discord. “What can I say? I’m just a devious rascal, ain’t I?”
“Without a doubt, Discord, without a doubt!” Discord agreed with a chuckle. “Now, Discord and Discord, pancakes for all!”
“We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of a dear friend,” the priest said over the crowd of mourners. Many cried, others sobbed, while a few sniffled and desperately tried to hold back tears. Only three ponies there did not shed a single tear. Celestia, Luna, and Twilight, all decked out in black dresses.
“Many would say that he was troublesome. Others would say that he wasn’t too trustworthy. But he was a friend, nonetheless.” The priest closed his eyes and sighed. “And he shall be dearly missed by all of us. Taken in his youth from our hooves before his time. We can only hope and pray he has found peace in the afterlife, more than he’s found peace in this life. Now will be the time for his loved ones to come up and speak.”
The priest stepped down amid a multitude of the saddened, leaving his place from behind the tombstone over the open grave with the coffin deep in the earth empty. As the stormclouds overhead darkened and lightning struck in the distance, several seconds passed before Celestia took her place to talk.
“I knew… our dearly beloved friend for some time now,” Celestia started. “We had our ups and downs, but in the end, he was a dear friend. And now, with him forever lost from this world…” Celestia coughed as she squinted her eyes, tears on the verge of falling.
Luna made her way to her sister’s side and laid a wing on her shoulder. Nuzzling her cheek, Celestia returned to Twilight, leaving Luna to stand behind the tombstone. “I knew him for some time. Well, I didn’t get more acquainted with him until after my return, but I like to think we became… friends—of a sort. We may not have seen eye to eye all the time, but he wasn’t so bad. Other than that… he could be kind of a jerk sometimes.” Luna shrugged and stared dismally into the grave. “But other times, he could be a good friend.”
Departing from behind the tombstone, Twilight took Luna’s place. Clearing her voice, Twilight said with a note of hesitation in her voice, “Today is a sad day. Not only for me, or the princesses, or even all of us here. Today is a sad day for all of Equestria. Possibly the entire world. Nothing—nothing will ever be the same again.”
“That’s really touching, Twilight, but I think I’ll take it from here,” Discord said behind her, stepping forth from dismal plane of another existence… otherwise known as from behind a tree.
“Discord! No, it can’t be!” Twilight screamed, stepping back from his presence. “We thought you were dead!”
“Now, why would you say that?” Discord asked calmly, looking as his claws.
“Your room was in flames yesterday! Everything burned to the ground, with nothing left alive inside!” Celestia interjected. “We had all thought you were nothing but a charred crisp!”
“No, no, I’m quite fine,” Discord assured her, holding his hands out high on either side to show himself off. “Nothing to fear, Tia, dear. I’m right as rain.”
“But then why was your room on fire?” Luna asked.
Discord held his head down in misery. “I am sorry to say that… nightstand was a crack addict. I knew he needed help for some time, but I thought that an intervention could lead him to taking his own life. And now, look at him.” Discord sniffed, leaning down to grasp onto nightstand’s tombstone. “In a coffin when his crackpipe accidentally set the room around him on fire. I could’ve prevented this! I could’ve helped him!” Holding a shaking fist up to the sky, Discord shouted, “Damn you flying spaghetti monster, damn you to Hell! Damn you and your meatball deliciousness! He was too young, you Italian monster! It should have been me! Or someone else, preferably! Perhaps a telemarketer or door-to-door salesmen! That would’ve been so much better!”
Discord wept tears of despair, stamping his fist on nightstand’s tombstone over and over again, muttering under his breath, “It’s not fair, it’s not fair…”
“Discord, please—” Celestia began, resting a hoof on his shoulder.
“Leave me!” Discord replied angrily, slapping her hoof away. “Leave me to mourn over my dearly beloved friend! He was the best piece of furniture a Spirit of Chaos could ever ask for. For pete’s sake, he was one hundred percent mahogany! Mahogany!”
Returning to his grief, Celestia stared at Luna and Twilight for guidance. Luna shrugged, while Twilight rolled her eyes and facehoofed. Already most of the mourners had left, and with nothing else to keep them there but an overdramatic draconequus and a burned piece of furniture, the trio of alicorns departed.
“Well, I guess I will need to buy a new nightstand now,” Celestia sighed, leaving Discord all by his lonesome.
After a few more sobs, Discord looked up with a single eye and scanned the abandoned funeral. Standing up and making his way to the front of the open grave, Discord chuckled. “Well nightstand, looks like you got quite the passing, eh, old friend?”
Tutting under his breath, Discord looked down the hole to the coffin within its depths. “Such a shame about the fire, isn’t that right? Sprung up out of nowhere, didn’t it? And those doors being locked, that had to be the icing on the cake, wasn’t it? Such a shame, such a shame…”
Discord snapped his fingers and appearing in his claw were several photographs. Flipping through them, Discord said, “I gotta say, you’re quite the photographer. If you hadn’t died, you really could’ve been a professional. I mean, those picture you took at the New Years party? Beautiful, just beautiful. Crisp and clear picture too.” Discord stopped his shuffling for one picture in particular. “But those Christmas party picture you took of me…”
Ripping the picture in two, Discord shredded the rest of the photos in his claws and let the pieces descend into the grave. “Not cool, bro. Not cool. You thought you could blackmail me? Me? I invented blackmail when you were only a shrub.” Dusting off his hands, Discord smiled and waved at the dark coffin resting in its grave. “But you learned your lesson now, didn’t you, nightstand? And so will everyone else who thinks they can double cross me.”
Discord began to walk away, but stopped in his tracks and quickly returned to nightstand’s grave. “Oh, nightstand, I forgot to mention. I fucked your wife, coffee table. Then I ate pancakes right off her. I didn’t even clean up the syrup afterward! She’s a dirty girl like that.”
Discord laughed, leaving nightstand to rest in his hole. An example to all other furnitures that Discord is not to be trifled with.
