Rarity Talks to her Cat

by Theobservantpilgrim

Rating: teen
Tags: Rarity, Sweetie Belle, Gore, Opalescence, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 4582

Hobo pits, Rarity hanging herself, and Sweetie Belle getting her throat slit. These things are common during the days when Rarity talks to her cat.

Rarity, who is by no means lonely, often finds herself in precarious situations when not managing the shop, and as such she is left with little option most of the time than to engage in conversation with her favorite pet. Everything in the universe hates it when this happens though, so all sorts of things go wrong when she talks to her cat. She's not a crazy cat lady though, yet.

Published 2014-01-09 19:00:13 UTC
Last updated 2014-01-09 19:00:13 UTC

Chapter 1: Rarity's Awful Life

Twas a typical time in the life of Rarity, and it was a morning that was uneventful as always. Rarity, however, wakes up in the afternoons. So when she finally had woken up and went on to spend close to an hour styling her mane, she was in quite a jovial mood. She went over to the window frame and threw it open, embracing the sunshine on her face.

“Good morning world! What have you for the lovely miss Rarity on this gorgeous day?”

But then she looked down and saw a hobo pit. As in, the hobo pit was located right underneath the window behind her home. This was clearly an advanced hobo pit, as it was not only filled with the downtrodden and the unfortunates, but also was complete with a soup kitchen and a family of raccoons clearly in sight who were vomiting at the sensation of being near a soup kitchen. It was only when she had fully taken in the fact that a hobo pit was so close to her house that her nostrils took in a great waft of musk which choked her and had undone her perfectly cared for mane. She closed the hermetically sealed windows, and spent another hour perfecting her mane. After this, she went downstairs to meet her family for breakfast, which always only began when she came down at her leisure, and took a seat at the table.

“Oh, hi sis!” Said young Sweetie Belle, her younger sister. She was wearing an apron and this can only have meant one thing, corrective dentistry wednesdays. Although the day was tuesday, the charred bricks that were served that Sweetie claimed were “Waffles, pancakes, eggs, and juice.” made this a certainty. “Here you are!” She said, placing a plate of four still smoldering masses which Rarity ate without question, having been desensitized by the hobo pit.

While she ate breakfast with her family, Rarity began conversation with them. “Mother, Father, might you know the origin as to that pit behind the house?”

The father, who happened to be speaking with a rather casual accent and was wearing a straw hat replied “Well you see, deary, we had a bit of a rat problem lately so we thought we’d invite a bunch of poor ponies to help us with that.”

“We have rats?”

“Well we got the rats to get rid of the cockroaches.”

“Good heavens! We have cockroaches?”

“We got the roaches when we spread mayonnaise on the floor.”

Rarity held her head low in disappointment. “And why, pray tell, did you spread mayonnaise on the floor?”

“We thought it was weasel stomping day.” The stallion’s better half stepped in the conversation, made herself at home, and finished the idea. “We only found out that it wasn’t a real holiday after we arrived at work.”

After the beyond burnt breakfast temporarily deprived her of the ability to feel hunger, and taste to a greater extent, Rarity got up from the table. “If I may be excused, I shall be in my room if anypony needs me. Good day.” And she left dining area. She went up to her room and laid upon her bed, still mentally reeling from the everything in her morning that today would be one of those days where she might as well go faff about in the Everfree forest. But before she could put much thought into her plans, up on her bed jumped her favorite fluffy white cat, Opalescence.

Opal, being as loyal as any pet should be, said “Meow.” And started rubbing up on her.

“Oh Opal!” Said Rarity. She took her cat and held it close. “Today is simply awful! My parents are becoming even more unhinged by the day and now there is a bum jungle right next to our house! How may I, a lady of such refined tastes, bear this atrocity any longer?”

“Meow.”

“Oh, I suppose you’re right. It does seem a tad presumptuous to assume this is as terrible as it is. Perhaps all those ponies need is some compassion. Well then who better to demonstrate charity than I? I must help them post-haste.” And she immediately got a wide assortment of her cheapest garments and opened the door. Normally she would have plummeted down the stairs, but not this time as just beyond the door to her room stood young Sweetie Belle.

“Hey sis! Going somewhere?”

“Yes dear sister, I am going to help those poor souls outside. Now please, step aside.”

“Oh oh! Can I help?”

“No, now please leave.” She used her magic to open one of the drawers in her room and searched for something that might occupy the youngster. Sweetie Belle most definitely does not need to be exposed to the horrors that lie in the slum of the damned. As such, she took out a pair of scissors and a book of matches and gave it to Sweetie. “Here, play with these. And don’t run around with those, you’ll hurt yourself!” Sweetie immediately galloped outside and play with the other fillies and colts nearby.

With her little sister incapacitated, Rarity toted along her most fashionable garments of extravagant colors, oddly placed gems, and failed prototypes all the way down to the depths of the horrible pit. Astonishingly, the pit was not as abominable as one would imagine, as it was apparent that the most was done was that the ground was pulled up several feet and shelters were erected haphazardly. Still, the pulled up topsoil meant that Rarity had to get her hooves positively filthy, but still she carried on.
At the center of the pit, where she could still vaguely make out the sky from rising columns of garbage-smoke, she began to give the garments away to all the those in need. One particular gentlecolt bowed politely and proceeded to thank her for her contribution.

“Ga-fargul! You are nice grumblebug! Come go hayseed?” He then proceeded to start drooling.

Rarity backed away slowly. “Um, no thank you, sir.” She said. She soon found herself backed up against a rather tall gentlecolt who was wearing a fedora that had been perforated a great many times.

“‘Scuse me ma’m, you’ll have to also excuse my friend here. Not all of us here are quite so well in the head. He’s actually quite thankful though.”

She turned around and was relieved to finally have come across a pony in the midst of this den of disgust. “Thank you for elaborating kind sir. You seem rather eloquent as opposed to the rest of these ponies.”

“Well I’m just doing a lot better than the rest of these folks. You see, it’s sort of a big deal. Many of these folks got good strong bodies but the mind is all rotted, so they can’t find reasonable work. On behalf of all of us though, I’d like to say thank you for helping us as you are. It’s great to know at least somepony cares.”

Rarity was elated. Perhaps, she thought, that this might not be so terrible after all. Sure, they live in the dirt but all they may need is some cleaning up and perhaps some help, and there are plenty of ponies in town who’d be glad to help, including herself. “I thank you. Perhaps I will stay and see about finding other ways I may make this place more presentable.”

“Alright, but if you’re gonna stay you gotta take a hit.” And the pony produced a crack pipe and gave it to Rarity.

Rarity reluctantly levitated the pipe. “Pardon me, but what is this?”

“Why it’s a crack pipe! Smoke up! Of course, the first hit isn’t free you know.”

She handed the pipe back politely, like any sensible pony should do. “I’m sorry but I shall not. Where do you even find crack?”

“Well this kid from Manehatten is supposed to make a drop soon. I think her name was Babs or something. Prices are way down because there’s something big going on there and the market is saturated.”

She could see that if she made a straight out combat-mode beeline flailing her hooves around like noodles she could escape. “I see. And just for how long do you think it will take you all to get rid of the rodent issue?”

“Oh, that. We already ate them all. Thanks for the clothes, we also needed a bit of fiber in our diets.”

“Splendid, darling. So how long until you all leave?”

The stallion raised an eyebrow. “Oh we’re not leaving. Ever.”

Upon hearing this, Rarity just bolted and ran as far as she could to the other side of town. She didn’t go into combat mode, so nopony had to die. Still, there remained the problem of what to do now. She decided that she must be willing to continue her efforts of charity, so that those poor wretches may recover from their illnesses and lead normal lives. As such, she went into the sofa and quill store and placed an order for a hundred pillows and then went back home and straight into her room.

“Opal, this was a terrible idea, why did you ever suggest it? Have you seen the state that those ponies were living in? I swear, if this does not work I will have to give up on the entire thing! It’s not the filth, or even their strange customs, but rather that they all seem so very ungrateful! And I honestly do not find that a single one of them may be capable, and if they are then they most certainly are not willing to find honest work!”

Her cat thought long and hard about this entire thing with it’s eyes closed before it finally said “Meow.”

“You’re right, we should just stuff them all into the shame car and push them off a cliff!”

“Meow.”

“Opal, you are not being supportive at all. If you are going to be so very uncivilized then you can just leave!” And with this she picked up her cat and carried it outside. As she did so, she was approached by Sweetie Belle who was no longer carrying the items she had before.

“Hi sis! Why are you putting Opalescence out?”

“Opal has been a very very naughty kitty and she is being punished. Why are you back home so early?”

“Oh, well I used up the matches and, um, lost the scissors?” Sweetie said, looking up at Rarity with the most innocent look she could muster. This was mostly done to distract Rarity from the fact that one of the other schoolchildren and bully associate, Silver Spoon, was running around with her mane on fire and a pair of textile shears sticking out of her side. The distraction worked.

“Oh Sweetie. You’re my favorite abomination.”

“I’m not an abominamation!” Sweetie then thought about this for a moment before going “What’s an abonimation?”

Rarity lightly pat Sweetie on the head and led the both of them inside where they discussed the matter as sisters would. The rest of the day continued as it normally did.

Author's Note

I don't think Rarity is worst pony, not by a longshot. In the show she is demonstrated to be cultured, and though she dreams of ascending the social ladder, she has shown that she is still loyal to her friends.

With that out of the way, enjoy.

Chapter 2: Just Hanging Out

The next day Rarity let Opal back in the house and treated her to some of the more exquisite selection of cat food made up of chalk instead of dirt. “I’m sorry that I put you outside in the cold Opal, it hurt me much more than it hurt you I assure you. It’s just that even a lady as patient as I can reach the point where I may no longer wish to be burdened with your vile words. Nevertheless, I am very glad that you are back home, safe and sound.”

The cat didn’t bother to answer. All it did was just stuff it’s face into the decorated food dish and munch itself full.

“Oh Opalescence, why do you not speak to me?” Rarity said as she flopped right onto her bed of lace and feathers. “Why do you sting me with your silence? Why must you you leave me mired in the swamp of anticipation? My pain is great, and I should not expect your forgiveness, but please say something Opal!”

Opalescence just kept eating and eating.

“If you wish to leave I wouldn’t blame you, as I have been such a horrible pony. Clearly I have mistreated you, and I do not deserve a cat as wonderful as you!” Rarity got up and went over to the window, turning off her senses briefly to fling it open. “Please, leave! Go and be free! Be with your own kind, and live without me imprisoning you like this! Just go!” She capped her sentence with a flourish.

Opalescence finished it’s delectable meal and jumped on the window seal. However, before leaving she turned to Rarity and said “Meow” and the bounded outside, leaving a sobbing Rarity in her room. Rarity soon had a full grasp upon what had happened and shut the windows.

“I shall never see my dearest Opal ever again! I have seen much in my journeys in this world, things both beyond comprehension and things too horrifying to recount. And of all that I have seen, this is quite most definitely the worst possible thing ever! I know not what I may do now without my beloved Opal!”

Pining for her dearly beloved pet and friend in the world, Rarity went to the ground floor of the house and looked about the sad place. “Oh what have I done with my life? I cannot possibly live without Opalescence!” And with this she retrieved her most beautiful rope and stood on a stool, tying one end around a rafter and making the other end into a noose. She slipped the hoop of the noose around her neck and kicked the chair aside and proceeded to dangle from the ceiling.

Just then Sweetie Belle came in, said something about how she and her friend Applebloom were going to jump off the roof, and immediately went upstairs. She could not hear them, or stop them, for she had lost all the will in the world to do anything. But then a miracle happened, something that gave her pause for hope and that there was finally the will to live. She heard a voice from the still opened front door and it said “‘Scuse me, ma’m? I gots the pillas you ordered!”

She undid the noose, fell to the floor and immediately rushed to the delivery pony who was standing in front of a large cart full of pillows. “Oh, thank you darling.”

“Is you gonna be awright ma’m?”

“Of course! I was simply hanging around.”

“Awright then, just sign heyuh an heyuh.” The pegasus then gave her a clipboard which she signed with her trademarked eloquent style. But as she was dotting the i’s and crossing the t’s, Sweetie Belle and Applebloom landed on her and she got knocked out. They started talking, something about Diamond Tiara having a good idea, and then they just got out of there. The stallion looked at Rarity who was passed out and crushed on the ground and just went “‘Scuse me miss, is you awright?” and tapped her on the head. She did not move. “Aw jeez, not again.” He just bolted, taking flight and getting out of there because nobody wants to be caught near an unconscious lady, especially when she’s naked.

Rarity awoke several moments later and saw that the delivery pony was gone though the cart full of pillows was still present. She gladly pushed the cart down into the hobo pit where they devoured it in minutes, yet it seems their hunger was not appeased in the slightest by this gesture. Rarity bailed and went back inside and up to her room to pass the day away with sleep, for she could not bear to face reality without the companionship of her dear cat.

Chapter 3: Rarity's Messed Up

Rarity finally came to the conclusion that her cat was gone, forever never to return. The overwhelming reality hung heavy upon her heart, but she carried out her duties with her usual diligence as perhaps the joys that she gets from her crafts and engaging in her art may help her to settle and accept this fact. But then there came a knock at the door to her shop. She went to the front door and opened it.

“Oh, hello Vinyl.” Rarity said, stepping aside to let in the unicorn who was always seen wearing purple shades. “I finished the dress a while ago, I’m sure you’ll enjoy it.”

“Hey, thanks again Rarity. So where is it?”

“Right here.” Rarity said, pulling a tarp off of one of the mannequin. The mannequin displayed a most gorgeous outfit fitted with neon colors, bright tones, and a level of extravagance that in any other outfit would have seemed gaudy but was instead appealing to the eye.

“Whoa, wicked. I mean it Rarity, this is popping, I can practically feel the wubs! I love it! Alright, so what’s the damage?”

“A broken heart I believe, a heart that shall never be mended for so long as I am pained by the loss of my dearest Opal!” Rarity began to sob into the fabric, soaking it in her tears.

“Yo, I meant how much is it?”

Rarity then ceased her crying and hopped backwards from the outfit in shock. “Oh for the love of! It seems I exposed a stitch! Oh well.” And ripped the outfit to shreds in front of Vinyl. “I am sorry but I can not possibly let such an unprofessional outfit see the light of day.”

Vinyl’s glasses dropped and fell upon the floor, right next to her jaw. “Not cool dude. I waited half a year for that!”

“Well I suppose you won’t mind waiting another half year for perfection, correct?”

Vinyl picked back up her glasses, donned them, and burst outside in a rage gritting her teeth. The fury that built up inside her would later become channeled into one of the wubbiest and most incomprehensible tracks she would ever produce which would turn out to be a hit single in the pony pop world. Unfortunately it was immediately recalled when it was found out that, if played backwards, it could kill Greg Kinnear.

This brief chance with a patron was not the only form of social contact that Rarity had in her busy day. For in the bounds in her absolutely unfathomable depression, she was greeted at the door by one of her best friends and one of the kindest ponies known, who happened to tap on the door ever so gently letting Rarity know who it was before she had even opened the door.

“Ah, come in Fluttershy.” Said Rarity. “It is so wonderful to see you here today.”

The yellow pegasus walked into the shop on hooves that nary made a sound, despite the large package that she had laying upon her back. “Well I heard about what happened to Opal so I thought you could use a friend to keep you company. Plus, I came with a present!”

“Oh how wonderful, darling!” Rarity said, lifting the box off of Fluttershy’s back with her magic and examining it, in all it’s white wrapping and red bow glory. “What ever could it be?”

“Please, be gentle with him. I had a bit of a time trying to find someone who would be willing to take him in. Plus, I put in a few things that I thought you might like most of all.”

Rarity began to shake the box furiously up and down, causing a series of snaps and squishes to report from inside. “Hmm. . . Could this be some more fabric? I could always use extra supplies. Oh! I hope it’s another pair of shears, I’m missing mine since yesterday.”

Fluttershy’s face was left aghast and she nearly fainted at the sight of this. “Please, let him out!”

“Settle down, darling! I’ll open it at my leisure.” Rarity then undid the bow delicately and set it aside, she then carefully unwrapped the wrapping paper and set it underneath the bow. She opened the box, and raised an eyebrow as to the contents. “Oh, um, thank you Fluttershy. I appreciate the jewels and gems, they’re ever so hefty and well edged. But are you trying to send me a message with this, what I believe is, dead rat?”

Oddly enough Fluttershy totally passed out and fell on her back. So Rarity, being the dear friend that she is, dragged her outside and left her on the ground. Because nobody wants to be caught near a naked and unconscious Fluttershy. Afterwards she scooped out the gems and set them on a counter nearby and tossed the box into the trash and continued to pine her ever so lonely day away.

Later that day she returned home with her tail nearly drooping to the ground, never touching it mind you for a lady such as herself would never soil herself such as that. However, once there her day seemed to take a complete turn.

“Hey sis! Guess what?” Squeeked Sweetie Belle.

“What is it Sweetie? Can you not see that I am in such a terrible faunt for I never shall see my dear Opal ever again?”

“About that. Guess who showed up!”

Rarity was taken aback. “Truly? Could it be?” She swiftly galloped up the stairs and knocked aside the door to find out that, yes, there was Opal curled up on the bed! She rushed to her cat and lifted it up to her face. “Oh Opal! I shall never be so ill mannered to you ever again, could you ever forgive me?”

The cat stared at her for the longest time, mulling over the thoughts in its head, considering the endless possibilities and consequences for how it should respond. Finally, it answered “Meow.”

Rarity set forth an intense battery of smooches on her dear cat in celebration. Eventually she was stopped after the eleventy billionth kiss by Sweetie who was standing in the doorway with a disturbed expression. Rarity looked back from Sweetie to Opal, and then looked back at Sweetie before slowly putting Opal back on the bed.

“Say, Sweetie, how about I treat you to a milkshake?”

“Yes please! But what was”

“Away we go!” And Rarity picked up Sweetie and ran outside. They never spoke of this ever again. Ever.

Chapter 4: Opal Missed

The following day after sleeping off an ice-cream headache, Rarity was up at the crack of the evening and fast at work on her newest masterpiece from her room when there came a knock at the door. “Come in!” She invited. Sweetie Belle opened the door and entered the room. “Oh hello Sweetie Belle, I’m a tad pre-occupied at the moment. What is it you need?”

“Well, I was wondering if you had any glue I could borrow. I have this school project and I ran out of glue and I’m only half finished!”

“Sorry dear, but the adhesive I have is meant for clothing. It most simply would not be appropriate to use on such a thing as your crafts. But I’ll take you down to get some more in town, alright?”

“Yes, I suppose.” Sweetie began to pet Opal who was sitting on the bed. Opalescence, however, is almost always in a less than tempered mood when in the presence of little Sweetie Belle, and as usual swiped at her with one of its claws. Now, most of the time Opal would only take off the bottom part of Sweetie Belle’s naturally curly mane. This time she missed. Rarity only noticed this when a splotch of red splashed on to her latest design.

“Sweetie, what are you doing?” Rarity turned around and saw that Sweetie Belle had her hooves clutching at her throat which was flowing crimson and pooling on the carpet. “Please, take your tomfoolery outside! Mother, father, Sweetie is bleeding all over my room!”

There was a crash in the kitchen and soon Rarity’s two parents had burst in the room and were terrified to find that Sweetie had her throat cut. Without hesitation, they hoisted her up onto the father’s back and together ran to the nearest hospital.

“I swear Opal, I allow Sweetie to enter and she does this! I’m sure she didn’t mean to start mucking about, but for goodness sake she didn’t seem to stop and think about bleeding everywhere at all! I may very well have to start from scratch.”

“Meow.” Said Opalescence.

“Very well, I believe you are correct. I suppose I may as well pick her up some glue while I’m out. After all, she is my little sister and I’d hate to see her fail her schoolwork.” And with this Rarity left the house only to be stopped just outside the door by a well groomed stallion whose mane was slicked back.

“Exuse me madame, but are you not the exquisite lady whom was ever so kind as to provide those unfortunate of us with clothes just the other day?”

“Ah, that I am. But you don’t appear to be one of those who live in that pit behind the house.”

“Please, allow me to elaborate upon that. You will remember me for calling you a ‘grumblebug,’ I believe. I apologize for my most disgusting behavior that day, I was not well you see. However, your act of charity inspired me beyond my psychosis to seek professional help, and now I am medicated so as to help prevent my condition. I still get day terrors, but I am at the very least comprehensible now, if you are curious. And after this I got a job at a glue factory that is quite a ways away. As thanks for giving me this chance at life, I have opted to remove that pesky problem from behind your home.”

“How do you mean?”

“Let’s just say you won’t have that as a problem anymore. Also, while I am here may I offer you a bottle of Pegasus Paste as a tangible demonstration of my genuine gratitude?” And the pony gave Rarity a bottle of glue. Rarity took it and smiled upon the stallion.

“Oh thank you. While I may not have much use for it, my sister was” Rarity stopped mid sentence before her eyes opened much too wide. “Oh good heavens! My sister is in the hospital! I’m sorry, but I must go, Sweetie needs me!” And she was off in a flash with such great speed! Leaving the stallion at the opened doorway of her house.

The stallion leaned inside and turned the lock on the door before closing it from the outside. He was a gentlecolt after all. Now, you may be thinking, what ever did he do with those disturbing and most frightful individuals from that hobo pit. But what you should be asking is what is a key ingredient in rubber cement, or as it is more popularly known as glue.

The End.