“Merryweather?”
I've been listening to a lot of their music lately.
“I know how this must feel to you...”
Everything seems different since I crossed through the mirror.
“I mean, when I heard the news...”
There's only so much we can do with hooves.
How am I supposed to feel?
Even most unicorns can't play an instrument like they can.
“I'm sorry.”
How am I supposed to feel? I should be crying.
“Do you want...”
My father's dead. A pony cries when their father dies, right?
It's like having five little legs on each hoof.
“Do you want to come to the funeral?”
“Should I?”
“It's up to you.”
It takes a trio of ponies to play the kind of songs one human can play.
“I don't know.”
I learned to play like they do.
“You don't have to. I know it's a long flight.”
I was gone for two years, five months and four days. I had to do something.
“What was his name?”
“His name was Folksong.”
So I found music.
I'm torn up, I think. I must be in shock.
Music is the greatest escape.
“He was a good stallion.”
“Did you love him?”
“No, honey, I didn't.”
Then what were you doing with him?
No, I'd made that mistake once or twice. Can't blame her.
“How'd he die?”
The music they play... I'd never heard anything like it. I don't think we have anything like it over here.
“Kidney failure.”
Beats weren't made just for dancing. They're supposed to make you feel.
“Cider?”
And those chords...
“No, it was an STD.”
“Did he give it to you?”
“No!”
So many thoughts. I can't process anything. I need my guitar... Not the one in the corner. I need the one I left on the other side.
Six strings. Five flexible fingers. I could play anything.
“That's good.”
I could play how I feel, I know I could, if only I had the hands for it.
“Sounds like a player. Is that why he left?”
“No. Well... sort of.”
Asshole.
I could play a chord. Four chords are all I'd need. Four chords are all I remember.
“He couldn't stay still for long. If he stayed in one place for long his hooves started to itch, and then...”
I know the feeling.
“I might.”
It felt good to hold it again, even if it wasn't the one I really wanted.
“I know the Princesses will give me leave if I decide to go.”
The weight of the strap across my shoulders; cold wood on my thighs.
“He'd have been proud of you, Merry.”
Four chords of the song I couldn't stop playing on the other side.
Why in Tartarus did she have to bring these horseapples to my front door? I didn't even know him!
“Over the...”
Three strings. It sounds horrible if I try to hold the fourth.
“Over the heather a cold wind blows...”
No, that's not right.
She should have stayed in bucking Tall Tale.
“There's lice in my... tunic and a cold in my nose.”
Why can't I remember?”
Doesn't she have friends back in Tall Tale to talk about these horseapples with?
“The rain comes falling out of the sky...”
Lower strings. Strain on my knuckle. Ponies aren't meant to play like this.
“I'm a soldier on the wall and I don't know why!”
My voice always breaks when I try to hit that line.
It's just because it's at the bottom of my vocal range, is all.
Why did I choose this life? I'd asked myself that same question every time I'd heard the song, every time I'd played it, and I hadn't found an answer.
Maybe I do have an answer.
“The mist lies on the hard gray stone. My woman is gone... I'm... left me all alone!”
I need fingers! I'd remember the lyrics if I could play it properly.
She's just watching me. Why's she look so sad now?
“And somepony else is hanging 'round her place...”
She loves to hear me play.
She was so in control earlier.
It sounds wrong!
“I don't like him, don't like... this place...”
D'you think it could be because I wanted to be there for Equestria like nopony was for me?
“Ooh-ooh...”
It sounds so bad. So bad!
“...ooh-ooh...”
To Tartarus with the vocals. This chord progression...
I don't bucking...
I just...
Celestia dammit!
Now the thing's shattered on the floor and Mom's just crying. I don't care. I'm out.
It's so bucking beautiful out.
Where's the weather team? Give me black clouds. Give me rain.
I don't even want to cry, for ponies' sake!
What's wrong with me? Am I that cold? Am I a bucking ice queen or something?
Doesn't matter. I'm getting close.
I don't care what they're playing. First club I see, I'm going in.
Canterlot's got all kinds of clubs if you know where to look.
“Five bits.”
“I forgot it at the house...”
I can't go back in there.
“I can't go back in there!”
Five bits, my plot.
“Look, what in Tartarus do you want from me? I just want to...”
An idea strikes.
I don't mind giving him a show. It's a trick I learned over there. It works here too.
The stairs are cold. Feels like I'm heading into a root cellar.
A wall of noise. I'm here to feel something... Anything.
Guess I'll dance the night away.
They've got other ideas. I feel... off. I've had some cider. Maybe a little something else.
No, just cider. Nopony would be that stupid.
“Let's do something stupid.”
It's cold outside and all I can smell is old paper and apple cores. Stone on my back. The iron's even colder on my shoulders.
He's so warm. I never want to let him go.
“Ooh... Sweet filly...”
I bite his tongue.
Not enough!
I might have thrown him off too hard. I think he landed on his wing.
Doesn't matter. I'm getting close...
I'm in control.
Faster.
Harder.
I'm bruising his shoulders.
Not fast enough, not hard enough...
I lean back onto my elbows and the world disappears.
“Ah!”
Gotta finish. I fuck him as hard as I could.
He's fucking me too.
I grind my g-spot against his flare. One of my legs gives out and I hit the cobblestones.
“Please...”
He throws himself at me. It's just me and him.
Hooks his elbows under my knees and pushes himself forward.
I've never been so full...
He hits me right there every time.
This is feeling.
I scream and everything around me shatters.
Nothing but white and silk and fire and Roman Wall Blues.
My legs won't stop shaking.
Legs...
Legs, shaking. I have legs again.
He's back too. He's slapping against me faster.
I want him to...
I would never do that to my fillies.
Push him off. Grab him before he gets angry and shove him into my mouth.
Nopony's going home unhappy tonight.
Yeah, I swallow his flare. Doesn't feel wrong, either. Not a bit.
He grinds his hips against my nose. His hooves scrape one of my ears.
I try to tap out but he's too far gone... Have to bite down.
That got his attention. He lands on his ass. I push him onto his elbows.
I think my ear's bleeding.
Nopony's going home unhappy!
Wrap both hooves around his shaft.
The little tricks I can do with my tongue...
I can see his balls tightening.
His crotchfur's wet. I'd pulled off but I'm still choking.
“Give it to me...”
Hold it back.
He's almost done, hold it back.
“Give it to me...”
He's grinding his teeth. I work my hooves faster and twist my wrists.
“P-please...”
Don't cry.
He moans.
“Cum!”
It's an explosion.
I didn't even feel him pulsing.
Hits his shoulder. Damn... All over his chest.
The jerk hit my cheek too. I let go of him and wipe it off.
Celestia dammit! It's all over my hooves!
I'm shouting at him. I don't even know what I'm saying.
My tears are falling onto the cobblestones. By the Princess's mane, I hope he doesn't notice...
“Crazy nag!”
I can't speak. I'm just... screeching at him. Am I even saying anything?
I'm out of breath and I can't stop shaking.
Buck this. I'm out.
The skies are clear. A few clouds have drifted in, but nothing serious.
I blow through one. It's too thin to wash away... everything.
Shame.
Guilt, so much guilt.
Is this why you never stood still?
“I want to go home!”
I'm not even flapping my wings. I've been upside down. I don't know how long.
Must've clipped a rooftop...
Vomit on my jaw. All through my mane.
“Why'd you leave my mom?”
That's all I want.
“Serves you right, you...”
My guitar, my fingers, my friends, my old life, my daddy, my favorite jacket, more cider... That's all I want.
“You... asshole!”
“He cared about you, Merryweather.”
I don't bucking care if she's the Princess of the Night or not. Nopony's gonna talk to me like that.
“Shut your mouth! You didn't bucking know him!”
He was my father and I didn't even know him.
“Leave me alone!”
Back into the open air where I belong. How did I get here?
Anywhere but here. Anywhere she can't find me.
Must've misjudged the distance. I slam my shoulder into a wall and spin out of control.
I didn't jump, she pushed me.
She caught me.
I'm pounding on her chest with all four hooves the whole time.
“You pushed me! You pushed me!”
The moon's gone.
A blue light and everything's gone.
After only a second of nothing I wake up in a huge plush bed. It's like I'm lying on Equestria's biggest marshmallow! I've never felt anything so soft.
My head's pounding. Serves me right for... well, for everything I'd done last night. Everything I'd...
Omigosh. I'm in the Princess's bed.
Omigosh. I kicked the Princess!
I try to sit up, but a couple of things stop me. First, my left shoulder's a mess. Somepony had wrapped it up with gauze and medical tape. I must've hit the wall pretty hard..
More importantly, though, something's holding me in place. It's as immovable as an iron bar across my chest. In fact, that's just what it feels like. I look down to see what it is... then I have to follow it up to the shoulder.
Oh... my gosh. I'm spooning with the Princess.
“Good morning, my little pony,” she says.
What can I say to that? “Good m-morning, Princess Luna.”
“Don't be afraid, little one,” she coos. “I don't hold the events of last night against you.”
Her tone makes me shiver even harder. “What happened?”
Please say we didn't. Please, oh please say we didn't.
“I found you lying on the castle wall. I tried to approach you, but you were too intoxicated to notice me.” She gives me a look, one that said so much more than mere words could have. “You were cursing your father's memory.” My ears flatten against my mane. “Then, when you finally realized that I was there, you tried to fly away and injured yourself by flying into a wall. I managed to catch you before you fell to the earth below, but your collarbone was fractured by the impact.” A sly smile crawled across her muzzle. “In fact, I'm surprised that you were able to hit me as hard as you did with that foreleg.”
Oh, Princess Celestia, save me from the embarrassment.
“Since you were in such a violent mood I thought that you might hurt yourself, so I brought you inside through the nearest open window – my own – and cast a spell upon you to put you to sleep. I also healed your collarbone as best I could. I would have had you brought to the infirmary or spent the night elsewhere, but despite the spell, you would not calm down until I held you close in this fashion.”
“Really?” That was sweet of her.
“I tried to visit you in your dreams to calm you personally, but they were so distorted by grief and alcohol that I couldn't reach you.”
Wow. Strong stuff.
Am I still in shock, or am I just trying to avoid thinking about it?
My father, Folksong, is dead.
Nope, I guess I'm still in shock or something. Then again, maybe I just don't care about other ponies anymore. The way I'd treated that guy last night...
“Would you like to talk about it?”
“No, thank you, Princess.” I twist onto my back. My shoulder twinges and I try not to show it. “I think I'm good.” She's frowning at me, but I don't see why she should care. I mean, it's my dad.
My...
Hoo boy.
It's...
So somepony reaches in and squeezes my guts with both hooves.
The pain makes me choke on whatever it was I was going to say. My vision goes blurry.
“Merryweather?”
“I'm good.” I'm trembling so hard I can't find my way to the edge of the bed. “I'm g-good!”
Her hooves tighten around me and I just lose it.
I'm so lucky to have Princess Luna here. She just goes with the flow. She lies next to me and strokes my mane and whispers those little things you say to somepony at a time like this – the it's-alrights and the it'll-be-okays and all that.
“Maybe you'd feel better after we clean you up,” she says after a while. “Would you like that? Would you like to go freshen up?”
Stand up and go do something... It's too much to handle. All I can do is shake my head.
“Would you prefer to wait until later?”
Nod.
“Alright, Merryweather, it can wait.” She settles herself back down and covers me with a wing. “Just rest, and soon you will feel better.”
“C'you stay?” I don't care that my voice breaks and I sound like a sniveling little filly.
“I'll stay as long as I can,” she promises.
For a while we just sit there. I'm shaking and crying the whole time, and sometimes I think she's crying too. I don't know for sure. It feels like hours later when I finally calm down enough to speak.
“I didn't mean any of it.”
“I know, Merryweather.” the Princess says. “I know.”
“You'd think he'd have visited, though, wouldn't you?” I mutter. “At least once?”
“Folksong,” Luna sighs. “I visited his dreams once.”
A hoof drifts to my lips. “You did?” I ask. “What was he like?”
The princess reaches out and pulls my hoof back down. Her lips had twisted in distaste. I can't blame her after I look at it; they're still coated in the residue of last night's debauchery. That explains the smells... and why I still taste vomit.
Oh, no...
“I'm sorry, Princess!” The tears threaten to start up again.
“Don't worry!” she says quickly. “It's alright.”
“I hope I didn't get it on your bedsheets...”
The Princess shakes her head. “The bedclothes are washed regularly. The mess is not an issue.”
“And you were just touching my mane! I'm so sorry!”
“I've been covered in worse, little one. Please, don't worry yourself over it.”
I can't shake the feeling that she's just putting on a show, but what can I do, call her out on it? Like it matters, anyway.
“Yes,” she continues finally, “I once met your father in his dreams. I only spoke to him for a moment, but I learned a lot about him in those few minutes. The reason he needed me that night was because his nightmares had shifted from bad to worse. They were tearing him up. I tell you this, Merryweather, because those nightmares were about you.”
“Me?” I ask. “He knew about me?”
“He knew that one of his old friends had borne him a child a few years before, but that was the extent of his knowledge. Every night he dreaded sleep because he knew what was to come: dreams of finding and losing his child, or of its mother coming to him with news of its death because he hadn't been there to support her. Dreams of what life could have been like, had he had the courage to give up everything for a mare.” She sighs and looks off into the distance. “I told him what I could; his child was being raised by a wonderful mother, who seemed to feel blessed to have been given such a beautiful and happy foal. I advised him to visit when he could, but I also advised him that the foal's mother – your mother – was not romantically inclined toward him. He told me that he would like to visit the two of you if he could, but as my words had put his worries to rest he needed my aid no more. I soon left his dreams. The rest, I can only assume.”
There are no words to describe it. I wish I could say it was joy or at least relief, but really it's just emptiness. It's not a bad emptiness... I think her words washed away part of the guilt of not having met him before, and a lot of the anger from when I thought he didn't care.
He hadn't been a bad stallion. He was just scared.
“Would he have been proud of me?” Luna just looks at me. I feel like such a child for saying it. “Sorry. It's just that, well, when my mom told me about him, she said...” I give myself a shake and look away. “Never mind. It's stupid. Doesn't matter now, anyway.”
“I'm sure he would have.” I look up to see her smiling down at me. “Anypony would be proud to have a daughter like you, Merry. You and your friends guard our castle very well, and keep the streets of Canterlot safe for the rest of us. Who could ask for more?”
“But I only got into this racket because I didn't know what else to do!”
“What else would you have done?”
“I dunno.” I roll my good shoulder and stare at my hindlegs. “I could've been a musician. I'm really good with the guitar...” I can't help but stare through the wall toward the throne room, and the mirror I know I'd find there. “At least I was on the other side. With a name like Folksong, I bet he was a musician too. Wouldn't he think I wasted my talent?”
“Do you still play for other ponies?”
“Sometimes.”
Her smile gets a little bigger. “Then your talent isn't wasted.”
Last night I hadn't thought I'd ever smile again, but here I am. It's just a little one, but it's a start. “I wish I knew more about him...”
“Then go,” the Princess said. “Go to Las Pegasus. Speak to those who knew him.” I was right! Her eyes are damp. “I'm sure they will have many stories to share.”
“But will I be welcome there?”
“Merryweather, you are his daughter. Of course you are welcome.”
I want to tell her she's wrong, or I won't fit in, or the other ponies will resent me for intruding, but I think she has a point. I think that maybe his friends would like to meet his family.
“Shall I notify your captain of your leave of absence?”
I nod my head a few times. “I have to tell Mom.”
Luna tilts her head toward the chamber door. “She's in my waiting room.”
Just like that I'm on my hooves and through the door. I don't care about the pain and I don't care about how disgusting I am.
“Mom!” Her head jerks up out of her magazine, and she smiles real wide and jumps out of her seat. I rush over there and dive into her arms.
“Merry, I'm sorry!” she sobs.
“No, Mom, I am.” I sniffle a little. “I'm sorry for everything.”
She kisses the top of my head and I give her a squeeze.
“Ready to go home?” she asks.
“Yeah. It hurts a little,” I say with a stretch of my left wing, “but I can fly that far.”
“Okay. Thank you, Princess!”
I turn to find Luna lounging in the doorway. “Thanks, Princess,” I say shyly. I still can't believe she'd do all that for me.
“You're both welcome,” she says. “Be careful on that wing, Merryweather, and don't worry about your post. Somepony else can guard the halls for a while.”
I just don't know what else to say. I kinda look at the floor and try not to tear up. Mom's pushing her shoulder against mine, so I just go with it and let her walk me out.
The Princess walks with us into the hall. “If you need anything, I will be here.”
I hope I never have to take her up on it, but just knowing that she cares that much is nice.
Back outside my mom and I kinda putter around for a minute as she looks over my bandages and I try to come up with excuses for the mess on my mane and mouth and hooves. There's no fooling her, though. She just shakes her head and asks me if I'm alright. She doesn't judge me for it or anything. She understands.
“Mom?” I say when we're finally in the air.
She glances over at me. Checking to see if I'm alright, I guess. “Yes, honey?”
Even after all that, I'm not sure how to phrase it. May as well just go for it. “Was he really that good?”
“Good? That rascal?” Mom laughs and shakes her head. “Merry...
Let me tell you about Folksong.”
Author's Note
I wrote this story after living through my own tough times and receiving my own sad news. When my mother told me my grandfather was dying I couldn't hold the words back any longer. This is a reaction to everything that was happening in my life over the course of those months. I took everything I was at that moment and put it into another pony, and then I let her work her way through it. The song she played, an acoustic arrangement of "Roman Wall Blues" by Alex Harvey that was arranged by Mark Lanegan and David Rosser, was going through my head the entire time I was writing and I just couldn't shake it. I wrote the first draft in one sitting without stopping or erasing anything, and aside from a few edits I kept the story honest and bare. I know the format is unusual and I'll admit it can be a little graphic, but I can't censor it. I feel that you all deserve the truth of the matter, and this is as true as it gets. I hope it was worth the trip.
Thanks for reading.
Adda le Blue
