"If I had known what I was getting myself into, I never would have gone to Diamond’s party. I would have woken up on Saturday bright and early, eaten a hearty breakfast with my family, and pretended to have fun at the Summer Sun Celebration. I would have saved myself a load of trouble too. Probably would have won a few prizes, and gotten to hang out with my sister and her friends. I could have even spent some quality time with Princess Twilight.
"At the very least, I would have saved myself a few brain cells. My mouth wouldn’t taste like vomit, I wouldn’t see little pink bats plotting to kill me out of the corners of my eyes, and I wouldn’t have 'Pip was here' written on my neck in permanent marker."

(Warning: this story contains foul language, drugs, and "out-of-character" characters.)

I'd like to thank Chocoloco, PegasusKlondike, and chancellorpuddinghead for pre-reading this story. I should also apologize to Chocoloco: yes, I still think the prologue is a tad pessimistic, but I nearly drove myself crazy trying to change it.