Chapters 0-0-0-0-0
“Tick tock.”
“I’m working on it,” the millennium old vampire replied grumpily, resisting the urge to crack his knuckles through his hefty white gloves.
“Tick tock, Alucard,” the blonde woman tapped her leather soled shoe against the cobblestone basement floor impatiently. Sir Integra Hellsing was a busy woman, and she could not spare much time for Alucard’s ramblings.
“I am fucking working on it!” the stressed vampire in a red overcoat bellowed, flexing his fingers as he pumped power into the black stream that burrowed in a whirling pattern through the floor. “Demonic summoning is a little fucking harder than it looks on Pay-Per-View, okay?!”
“Um, Master?” Seras Victoria asked fearfully from behind the businesswoman, staring with wide eyes at the slowly growing portal. “Are you sure this is a good idea?”
“Puh-lease,” Alucard rolled his fiery red eyes, giving a sharp, menacing grin as the broiling, frothing black wormhole began to quiver dangerously. “There’s, like, a bajillion Nazis on their side. You know what we’ve got?”
“… Cannons ?” Seras blinked, brushing a lock of blonde hair from her eyes.
“Fuck yeah, we’ve got cannons,” Alucard smirked. “But we’ve also only got two vampires and a badass butler.”
“Thank you kindly, Alucard,” the aged Walter, who leaned comfortably against the wall, nodded politely.
“And if this backfires ,” Integra scowled. “Then not only have we wasted valuable time and resources, but could possibly just wind up bringing another enemy to the table.”
“Hey!” Alucard protested, turning slightly. “There is no such thing as wasted resources when it comes to Happy Meals!”
“Cheap, grease slathered burgers are not demonic summoning fuel, Alucard! You can’t even eat human food!” Integra shouted angrily, repeatedly distracting him.
“I FUCKING LOVE THE TOYS INSIDE, CHRIST!”
They were all rather surprised when the black wormhole promptly imploded.
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Fluttershy was minding her own business.
Really, that was the first thing that popped into her head when she was suddenly yanked from her kitchen, the bowl of Angel’s freshly prepared salad clattering to the floor.
Angel was rather surprised by the sudden developments.
Nowhere near as surprised as Fluttershy was, obviously.
One moment, she had been mid-sentence calling for Angel – the next, she was stumbling through the air and landing on her knees on cold cobblestone flooring.
“Holy shitballs !” Alucard jumped, evidently as equally perturbed by the recent developments. Fluttershy scrambled in terror, flailing in panic and shrieking at the top of her lungs.
Obviously, the most logical course of action.
Being the reasonable and clever vampire that he was, Alucard immediately took control of the situation and handled the problem of the screaming, panicking girl in the most efficient manner possible.
By which, it is meant that Alucard picked up a chair and clobbered poor Fluttershy over the head with it.
The pink haired girl sank like a stone, flattened by the strength of the ancient vampire as Walter and Integra stared in shock. He hadn’t even hit her that hard. The flittering black wormhole was completely vanished by this point, dissipating into the air.
Walter was the first to speak.
“… Has anyone seen Miss Victoria?”
Everyone searched about the room futilely, but the youngest blonde vampire (and currently only other one to reside in the Hellsing manor aside from Alucard) was long gone.
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“Master?”
Seras blinked, dropping the carrot salad as the angry rabbit berated her viciously.
She whirled on the spot, the sudden change everything throwing her off guard. A sudden weariness hit Seras, and she nearly fainted when she saw the bright sunlight beaming in through the windows. More importantly, all the sunlight directly on her.
And she wasn’t bursting into flame.
She wasn’t turning to ash, she wasn’t experiencing pain.
As a matter of fact, it was fairly warm and pleasant.
Perhaps it was this initial surprise that deadened the shock of looking down and discovering hooves.
It did not deaden the shock for long, because Seras began shrieking in confusion pretty swiftly afterwards.
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Fluttershy awoke with a blinding headache, and she groaned miserably when consciousness trickled back to her.
She gripped her head with her hooves in agony, blearily sitting up to stretch her wings.
The problem being that her hooves felt funny, and she couldn’t feel her wings at all.
Fluttershy jolted awake, slapping her back in fright.
No hooves.
No wings.
She stared down at the pale appendages, disturbed. Fluttershy tried to speak, only to open and close her mouth a couple of times with only a tiny squeak escaping her lips. She wasn’t even a proper pony anymore! That, and at some point, she had been fitted into a comfortable blue nightgown. She checked beneath it, finding more of the same pink, nearly furless flesh that the rest of her body seemed to be comprised of.
“Gotta admit,” Alucard stated from the side of her bed, making her jump. “I think I’m starting to miss the big tittied police girl.”
“W-what’s going on?” Fluttershy spluttered nervously, inching away from the grinning demon. “Where am I, what’s happening?”
Alucard started to speak, only to be cut off.
“And why the flying buck did you hit me over the head?”
“Sometimes, Alucard haf’ta smack a bitch,” he explained patiently. “Also, sorry for killing you and stuff. My bad.”
“What?” Fluttershy blinked. “But-but I’m not – I’m not dead .”
“Undead, technically,” the apparently named Alucard droned. “You’re welcome, by the way. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go pick up a box of Trojans, because I am so fucked.”
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“Do you have any idea what this means?” Seras swung the small bunny through the air, grinning widely at it as it screamed in terror. “I’m in the sunlight – I’m in the sun !”
“Yo! Flutters!” Seras heard a scratchy voice from outside the cottage, and she poked her head out the window to see another bright cerulean blue pegasus flapping nervously near the door. “Fluttershy, you okay?”
“Jolly good morning!” Seras shouted happily, waving at the pegasus.
“What?” Rainbow Dash landed lithely, tilting her head. “Flutters, what happened to your voice?”
“I’m in the fucking SUN, that’s what!”
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Author's Note
By popular request.
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After Alucard had left, apparently to buy his Trojans, Fluttershy turned her attention to the new body she’d found herself in. It was definitely an adjustment.
There was a mirror on the bedside table and Fluttershy grappled with it for a moment, struggling to get her fingers to obey. Lifting it to display a reflection of her face, she was slightly surprised that it looked like her. Well, as much as a hairless creature with no snout could. Her eyes were still blue and what mane she had left was still pink.
She smiled, pleased that her mouth still seemed to work the same way. Raising a finger to her mouth, she explored the sensation of touch. Pushing her lips back, she discovered a row of pointed teeth featuring a pair of needle-sharp fangs. That seemed kind of unusual, as they would block access to the flatter molars behind them. Fluttershy guessed that the leverage of her shorter jaw would provide more than enough grinding power for crunchy vegetables.
Placing the mirror down, Fluttershy went on to explore the rest of her body. She got up from the bed awkwardly. The other so-called humans seemed to walk on two legs, but she found it difficult to balance. Sitting back on the edge of the bed, she pulled off the nightgown she wore for a better look at herself.
Glancing downward, Fluttershy could immediately tell that she must be some kind of mammal. A few curious pokes to her chest did not reveal why she was so swollen, however.
The door suddenly slammed open, catching Fluttershy by surprise.
“Hey, I’m - oh hell yes, tits! ”
Fluttershy looked up in surprise as the being named Alucard came in. He was grinning and appeared to be leering at her.
It was then that Fluttershy realized that perhaps she should have put her nightgown back on. She lunged for it in embarrassment, although curiously her face didn’t seem to flush hot with blood. In fact, she expected to feel her heart racing, but didn’t even notice a pulse.
“No, no, take your time, just pretend I’m not here,” said Alucard, chuckling as he melted backwards into the wall, only his eyes showing.
“But you’re right there,” said Fluttershy. “It’s not hard to sense the dark evil that surrounds you.”
“Nuh-uh,” Alucard disagreed loudly. “I’m totally invisible, that means you can’t see me.”
“You are literally radiating evil.”
Alucard grumbled and stepped back into the center of the basement room. “Stupid aura. You’d think at some point after killing so many people I’d earn a reset or something.”
“Killing?” squeaked Fluttershy.
Fortunately for him, Integra walked in through the open door, saving Alucard from an explanation. She looked with distaste at the two vampires. “Both of you have a seat. We need to have a discussion. Alucard, could you explain exactly why this girl is here?”
Alucard spread his hands wide. “Dunno, it’s not like portals through time and space come with fucking owner’s manuals.”
Integra facepalmed. “This is the last thing we need. On top of the Millenium threat and everything else going on, this had to happen.”
“Sweet,” Alucard grinned. “Want to go blow things up now?”
“Sit!” Integra barked, and both the elder and newest vampire whined like frightened puppies.
“Alucard, you aren’t going anywhere until you send this pony home and get Seras Victoria back!”
“I can’t,” he shrugged. “Sorry. All out of demon summoning juice.”
“I AM NOT DRIVING FIFTY-SEVEN MILES TO BUY YOU ANOTHER DAMNED HAPPY MEAL!”
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In Fluttershy’s house, Rainbow Dash was having the hardest time trying to figure out what had happened to her friend. Instead of finding Fluttershy, there was instead a blonde pegasus with funny accent who seemed absolutely delighted to not be a vampire.
“I mean, it’s not that big of a deal,” said Rainbow. “I’m not a vampire either.”
“Yes, but I used to be,” insisted the newcomer. “Well, I guess I used to be human, too.”
Rainbow gave her a skeptical look. “Are you sure you didn’t used to be in an institution?”
“Well, that would explain a lot, right down to the sexual harassment, but I’m pretty sure it was an accident during a demon summoning ritual that brought me here, turned me into a pony, and cured my vampirism.”
Rainbow, not one to solve problems on her own if she could help it, decided that this was Twilight Sparkle’s problem. Even if she had only arrived in town recently, defeating Nightmare Moon put this ball of strangeness squarely in Twilight’s court. That’s what she got for being a librarian. Helping ponies was right there in her job description.
Before Rainbow developed too witty of thoughts, she shook her head and said, “I don’t know what you’re doing here, but if you come with me somepony can figure it out.”
“Okay,” Seras agreed, still grinning.
Shrugging off her astoundingly perky attitude, Rainbow led her out of the house and took to the sky.
“This just gets better and better,” exclaimed Seras, although her crash in the bushes seemed to imply otherwise.
“What’s wrong?” Rainbow asked, hovering nearby and waiting for her to extricate herself.
“Oh, just getting used to the wings. I’ll have it in a moment.”
Rainbow stared. “I don’t know why you’re so happy.”
“Well, look at it this way,” said Seras, standing up and managing to figure out how to get airborne. “I used to be in a world of shit, drinking blood to survive, sleeping in a coffin, and fighting monsters more horrible than you can imagine. Also, my boss was a chain-smoking dyke and my supervisor was a horny, irreverent vampire with fetishes that no living soul could understand.”
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“I used to be in a world full of the magic of happiness and love, playing with the cute animals that I took care of and going to the spa with my pony friends,” Fluttershy explained. “Also, sometimes we had cupcakes and would get dressed up to go to fancy parties at the castle.”
“I think you’re giving me diabetes just by talking,” Alucard hissed. “Is looking adorable just your fetish or something?” Alucard grinned, which the used-to-be-pegasus did not find very comforting.
“Um, I’m not really sure what a ‘fetish’ is, either.”
“Well, I’d tell you what my sexual fetish is…” Alucard grinned even wider, at which point even the butler leaned back a little in alarm. “But then I’d have to kill you. Which is ironic, really, even more so since I’m talking to a pony who somehow has really great tits.”
“Um,” Fluttershy stuttered, “... Is that because I’m technically undead?”
“Don’t answer that,” Walter deadpanned in the ancient vampire’s direction. Turning back to Fluttershy to help her get properly dressed, he said, “You are quite different.”
“I’m not really sure what this ‘diabetes’ is,” Fluttershy rubbed her chin with the palm of her hand, which Alucard was very, very keen to watch with blatantly far too much interest. “Is it like… a snack?”
“It’s like too many snacks,” Alucard clarified.
“Oh, like Pinkie Pie,” said Fluttershy.
Walter cut in. “Ms. Fluttershy, your cannon.”
“My what?” Fluttershy asked, falling to the floor under the weight of a small artillery piece he handed her.
Alucard chuckled. “Bitches love cannons.”
“Oh, like Pinkie Pie,” said Fluttershy eagerly.
“Who’s Pinkie Pie?” Alucard asked.
“She’s one of my friends,” Fluttershy said.
“That’s a name ?” Alucard asked. “Ha ha ha ha! It sounds more like a sore vagina. So who else are you friends with? Huge LeBigTits? Moonlight McTwinklebutt?”
“Her name is Twilight Sparkle,” clarified Fluttershy.
Alucard had difficulty hearing her over the sound of his own laughter.
“I wouldn’t laugh if I were you,” she frowned. “Twilight could probably stomp a new plothole in you if she really wanted to.”
“Ooh, plot holes. What is this now, fucking Lost ?”
“I thought that I was lost?” Fluttershy tilted her head in confusion.
“You know, this is gonna go a lot quicker if you just start making less talky-noises and just let me bask in my own hilarity.”
“Both of you,” Walter interjected abruptly after sticking his head back in the doorway. “The chopper is ready. Any day now.”
“I get it!” Fluttershy clapped her hands together excitedly. “It’s funny, because we’re vampires!”
“... I fucking hate you so much right now, Walter.”
They did get on the chopper. Integra sat across from them in the back. It was too windy for her cigars and she settled for just glowering to pass the time.
“I’m not apologizing,” said Alucard after a moment.
Fluttershy looked between him and Integra. “What did you do?”
“He knows,” growled Integra.
Alucard shrugged carelessly. “Anyway, so who are we killing tonight, bosslady?”
“An isolated outbreak in the Irish countryside,” Integra explained.
“Just go in there and kill everything that moves,” Alucuard advised Fluttershy.
“Um, I think it’s important that I know who the bad guys are first,” whimpered Fluttershy.
“We’re fighting Nazis,” explained Alucard.
“I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a hundred times, Alucard!” Integra seethed. “It’s not Nazis; that’s retarded!”
“What are they?” asked Fluttershy.
“A bunch of creepy fucks who’ve been living isolated from the rest of society and working on magic and shit to live forever and dominate the world,” said Alucard with a shrug.
“Oh, we have those in Equestria,” said Fluttershy. “We call them princesses.”
Alucard burst out laughing. “Oh, do they wear fancy tiaras and drink tea and talk shit about losers?”
“Um, yes.”
“You just worry about killing everything that moves without breathing,” Integra leveled her steely gaze on Fluttershy. “Everything else will be taken care of.”
“Do you mean that we’re supposed to kill things that aren’t breathing?” she furrowed her brows in confusion. “Or do you mean that we’re supposed to not breathe while killing things?”
“Both, preferably,” Alucard grinned even wider.
“Do we have to kill anypony?” Fluttershy squeaked, desperately attempting to cower behind her curtain of pink mane.
“It’s phrased, get to kill,” Alucard smirked toothily. “Plus, how else am I supposed to satiate my rampant sexual fetishes?”
“... Maybe Alucard could go on a ‘kill-free’ diet of some sort,” Fluttershy advised hopefully.
“That didn’t go over so well the last time…” Integra frowned hard, to which the ancient vampire only shrugged.
“How so?” Fluttershy asked, most certain that she didn’t really want to know the answer.
“Well,” Alucard cracked his knuckles. “I used to be a sadistic necrophiliac with a penchant for bestiality, until I realized that I was only beating a dead horse.”
Nobody laughed. Alucard grumbled under his breath.
After a while of silence, Fluttershy spoke again. “What’s a ‘necrophiliac’?”
“It means you get to come home, relax, and crack open a cold one,” Alucard explained.
“Are you quite finished, Alucard?!”
“FUCK YOU, I AM HILARIOUS!”
“Where exactly are we going again?” Fluttershy peered out of the sliver of cockpit window that she could see.
“Just down there,” Integra pointed. The chopper came to rest beside a lonely building. Alucard slid open the door and pushed Fluttershy out.
Falling to the ground with her cannon, Fluttershy realized she was lying on her face with her posterior in the air. Getting up, she smoothed her skirt. Alucard stood behind her, grinning like a maniac.
Integra rolled her eyes. “Both of you, just go!”
“Come on, Pony Tits,” said Alucard. “Let’s go fuck.”
“Um, I thought we were killing?” squeaked Fluttershy, not sure which she would prefer.
Alucard’s grin only got wider. “Same thing.”
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Author's Note
This program today was brought to you by the letter 'F'.
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“Ah-ha ha ha ha!” Alucard’s muffled cackles could still be heard even on the floor above her. “Holy shit, this is so awesome!”
“I’ll take your word for it!” Fluttershy squeaked in terror, trying hard not to be sick as she tiptoed past a still squirming pile of… something that clearly used to be alive. It was probably something out of Tartarus from the looks of some of the teeth; but then again, Fluttershy could handle even the biggest of nasties from Tartarus. This was probably worse.
“Holy fuck, that one’s spine got lodged in his ass! Ha ha, jackass!”
Definitely worse.
Fluttershy sighed deeply, doing her best to follow the trail of carnage that the ancient vampire had left behind. It was extremely difficult to avoid the… ickiness that had been splattered everywhere. How ever was she going to wipe off the spot of something that she sincerely hoped wasn’t blood off of her yellow combat skirt?
And on that note, whose bright idea had it been in this world to invent the combat skirt ? Highly impractical.
Another gunshot sounded above her, followed by more maniacal laughter. Fluttershy almost felt sorry for whatever decided to go toe to toe with Alucard.
And then she realized that she wasn’t alone.
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Alucard flicked a bit of undead brain from the tip of his glove disinterestedly, turning a wry frown to the side. Nearly all of the ghouls inhabiting the second floor of the (now) demolished hotel had been dispatched, but he hadn’t seen hide or tail of the vampire controlling them. There was always a vampire controlling them. Usually smug and self-assured. Alucard loved it when they were smug.
It was more satisfying to kill them that way. In part because most smug vampires reminded him of Donald Trump.
Greasy dead-eyed leeches with bad hair and no taste in television.
A high pitched shriek of terror wafted up from somewhere downstairs.
“Donald Trump?” Alucard exclaimed, tucking his pistols away in alarm. “I swear to god,” he shouted as he bolted down the expansive stairway. “If you harm a single hair on Pony Tit’s head…!”
Fluttershy cast Alucard a pleading look as he heroically descended, landing with a sickening squelchy noise a bare meter away from the vampire that held her captive with her arms held tightly behind her back. Greasy locks of unwashed hair hanged over his face, and his lips were turned into an unpleasant sneer.
“Or what, ” the pale vampire chortled. “Hm? This little poppet?”
“Seriously,” Alucard crossed his arms. “She’s new. I don’t want to have to keep replacing my big tittied strumpets like they’re i-phone sixes.”
Fluttershy seemed confused and a little frustrated at this.
“What’s an ‘i-phone’?” Fluttershy blinked.
“What are you, fucking stupid?” the vampire holding her hostage with the pistol pressed to her head scoffed.
“No, she’s a pony,” Alucard answered promptly.
“Fantastic,” the bloke scowled. “One’s a retard and the other’s insane.”
The vampire holding Fluttershy hostage frowned even harder, staring at Alucard as he realized he was humming.
“… and the other’s insane… to take over the world, da’ Pinkie and the Brain-”
“Um, Mister Alucard?” Fluttershy started.
“Oy, shut the fuck up!” the scraggly looking vampire stamped his foot against the floor angrily. “Hostages don’t get to say shit!”
“Oh. Um, okay. Sorry.”
“Will you pay attention to me already?” he screeched furiously, noting that Alucard was still bouncing lightly back and forth and humming an inane tune increasingly loudly. “I didn’t go takin’ hostages for nuffin’, ya’ fuck!”
“Double negative!” Alucard jabbed a finger at him immediately.
“… What.”
Alucard clapped his hands together once.
“Double negative!” he grinned. “Didn’t go taking no hostages means you didn’t take any hostages. Meaning that Flutterboobs isn’t actually your hostage.”
“Yeh, she is!” the scraggly vampire balked. “I’ve got a fockin’ gun to ‘er ‘ead, don’t I?”
“Clearly not, as you have stated previously,” Alucard was quick to remind him. “Evidently, since you don’t have any hostages, Pony Tits must not actually be here by logical deduction. You’re just insane.”
The vampire stared at him for a long beat.
“… I like watching Sherlock,” Alucard stated.
“Fucking hell, I’m surrounded by cunts.”
“Great,” Alucard rolled his eyes as he withdrew something from his red jacket. “Now his hallucinations are worsening. You’ve probably got lupus. No worries, I can cure it.”
And with that, he blew the vampire’s head clean off.
Just in time for Fluttershy to start screaming.
“Ha ha ha, his brain hit the wall!” Alucard giggled over Fluttershy’s intensifying screams. “Pony Tits, did you see that?”
“What is wrong with you?!” Fluttershy screeched.
“Quite a bit according to my therapist,” he said honestly.
“You almost shot me!” Fluttershy stomped toward him, jabbing a finger in his face. “What if you had missed, I could have been k-k-killed!”
“Yeah, I know!” he grinned. “Erotic, huh?”
Fluttershy did something that she had never done before, and slapped him quite hard. The resounding crack! was painfully loud, and his jaw wobbled a little before returning to place. Fluttershy gaped in horror and mild fascination at her own strength.
“… Holy ass balls you get me hard. If I weren’t so hot for Blondie I’d show you why they really called me the Impaler.”
Fluttershy was immediately thrown from the floor by a powerful strike, her body pinned to the wall by the bayonet lodged in her stomach.
“Yeah, kind of like that, but except in your ass and I wouldn’t use that much blood for lube.”
“Well, wha’ a surprise!” a familiar accent met his ears along with the sound of scraping bayonets. “Filthy fuckin’ vampire heathens.”
“Nuh-uh!” Alucard growled at the looming Father Anderson, a tall imposing priest with a buzz cut. “We hadn’t even started fucking yet, you’re interrupting! Or… are you tryin’ to tap ‘dat ass too?”
The approaching priest threw a glance at the still wriggling and clearly mortified Fluttershy, who kicked vainly from her spot on the wall.
“No, wait,” Alucard chuckled. “I forgot. She’s not a ten year old boy.”
“Wha’ foul lies be ye’ spreading about my church, demon?”
“Right, sorry, my bad,” Alucard bowed his head solemnly for a moment, shortly replacing it with a smug grin. “Nine year old.”
Father Anderson drew another bayonet from somewhere within his expansive coat pocket, somehow holding a new one between each finger.
“You’ll go no further, foul hell beast!” Anderson cackled manically. “For – this seems familiar.”
“Actually, yeah, it kinda does,” Alucard scratched his chin thoughtfully.
“ACK-THBLAGH-THGAGTH!” Fluttershy gasped in pain.
“Yeah yeah yeah, gimme a minute,” he glimpsed her out of the corner of his eye. “I still haven’t picked up the Trojans yet, bee tee double you.”
Anderson stared at the ancient vampire for a full ten seconds before looking around at the destruction.
“… Ah, fuck it,” he shrugged tugging his bayonets away. Anderson then flinched, trying very hard to pretend like he hadn’t accidentally stabbed himself numerous times. “Ah hate the feelin’ of déjà vu.”
“I know, right?” Alucard walked alongside him as they left. “We can pick this shit up anytime. Maybe a museum next time.”
“Ah, now tha’ sounds like a right time fer a fight!”
“You wanna grab some blood-coffee or something?”
“Fuck that, you should try some o’ me famous meat-pancakes!”
“AGH-THAGHLE FGHLAGTH!”
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