3rd Pony War
*****
“Sound check…1…2…3…” Iron Will glanced down at the microphone attached to his headset and frowned. “Hey guys, Iron Will isn’t getting any sound into his microphone.” The dull blue, black tie wearing minotaur called out as he pointed to his headset.
A dark grey goat with his own headset in a red tie approached the minotaur on stage and bleated a response.
Iron will stroked his beard. “Short an extension cable? That’s Bill’s department, ain’t it?”
“Baaaa.” The goat replied
“Hospital?!” Iron Will responded with a touch of concern.
“Baaaaaa.”
“Emergency stomach pump due to eating an extension cord, hmmm?” Iron Will pondered this. “Alright, well…see if you can scrounge up a spare…and please get a ‘Get Well Soon’ card going from the team to send to Bill…”
A white goat with a blue tie approached the stage. “Baaaa!”
Iron Will smiled. “You found spare? Good job, William. Looks like smooth sailing for today.”
Iron Will stared out over the hedgerows at the bright, shining sky as he stood in front of the pink curtains of the stage.
“Looks like today everything’s going Iron Will’s way!” He announced happily.
***
Iron Will peeked behind the pink curtain at stage and grinned as he overlooked the large audience of Ponyville ponies that had gathered to attend his latest seminar. Retracting his head behind the curtain, he turned to the dark grey goat.
“Alright, Billy…we have our equipment setup, we have an audience, let’s get this show on the ROA…”
“THE GRRRRRREEEEAAAAAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE DEMANDS AN EXPLANATION!”
“Huh?” Iron Will uttered in confusion. He peeked his head out of the curtain again to see a light blue unicorn with a white mane that contained light blue streaks. She wore a purple cape and floppy wizard hat, both with a star motif.
Trixie angrily trotted onto the stage.
“Iron Will would like to know what the commotion is about!” Iron Will declared as he emerged from the curtain.
“The Great and Powerful Trixie has booked this location for her next great and powerful performance!” Trixie declared. “And she has arrived to see it overrun with goats and a minotaur!” She added angrily.
Iron Will narrowed his eyes at Trixie. “Iron Will believes there has been some sort of mistake! Iron Will has already reserved this location at this time for his newest seminar!”
“Trixie has proof that this location has been reserved for her!” Trixie declared. A light purple glow began to emanate from under her hat as a scroll, also covered in the purple glow, levitated out of her cape. Trixie magically unfurled the item for Iron Will to read.
Iron Will scanned his eyes over the document. “Well, Iron Will admits this looks legitimate, but Iron Will also has proof that is location is reserved for Iron Will!”
Iron Will reached down past his waist and pulled out an identical looking scroll.
The crowd gasped and a pink pony with a blonde mane shrieked as her eyes rolled back into her head. Her legs gave out from under her and she passed out onto the ground.
“YOU HAVE POCKETS!” Trixie declared in a somewhat frightened tone pointing at Iron Will’s legs.
“IRON WILL IS JUST AS PERTURBED ABOUT THIS REALIZATION AS ANYPONY!” Iron Will responded.
“TRIXIE IS NOT SURE THAT IS POSSIBLE!”
“ANYHOW,” Iron Will continued as he unfurled his own scroll, “Iron Will clearly has this spot reserved for this time for today and the rest of the week! Are you trying to make Iron Will look foolish?!
Trixie smirked as the light purple glow from under her hat returned. “Foolish? Trixie can do that…”
In a burst of light, a rainbow colored afro appeared on Iron Will’s head, his large horns protruding from the sides. Additionally, a giant red nose appeared over his ringed snout.
The crowd of ponies chuckled and giggled at Iron Will’s appearance as the minotaur fumed at the light blue unicorn.
Trixie grinned wide. “Trixie thinks this is a good look for you…hey! What are you…”
Trixie’s demeanor changed to nervous concern as Iron Will grabbed her by the forelegs and hefted
her up to his face, glaring at her. She grinned sheepishly at the imposing minotaur.
“WHEN SOMEPONY TRIES TO MAKE YOU THEIR FOOL, SHOW THEM YOU’RE NO TOOL!”
“TRIXIE HAS RECONSIDERED HER POSITION AND IS OPEN TO DISCUSSION!” Trixie cried as Iron Will held Trixie in one hand and pulled it back is if he was ready to throw a football.
Heaving his weight into the throw, Iron Will hurled Trixie out of the hedge maze.
“TRIXIE REGRETS EVERYTHING!” The light blue mare screamed as she sailed high overhead in an arc towards Ponyville.
*
Twilight sighed contently as she turned a page in her book with a hoof. She laid down on her stomach as she enjoyed the quietness of the library and the joy of reading something new.
She took a quick glance out of her window.
Ahhh, what a beautiful day! The kind of day where nothing out of the ordinary could possibly…
“…aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”
‘SHATTER!’
…happen.
The purple alicorn sighed and smacked a forehoof against her face.
‘Crash’
“Oooff!”
‘Thump’
“Ow!”
‘Smack’
“Ouch!”
Twilight looked up with an annoyed expression as Trixie tumbled down her stairs.
‘Thud!’
“Ohohohohoh…” Trixie moaned from her heap on the floor in front of Twilight.
“Hello, Trixie.” Twilight uttered out in an irritated growl.
“TWILIGHT!” Trixie quickly stood up on her hooves and placed her forehooves on Twilight’s shoulders. “You must HELP the great and powerful Trixie! For she has been wronged!” Trixie declared dramatically, throwing her forehooves into the air, her crumpled had slumped forward over her face.
Twilight rolled her eyes as Trixie removed her hat and sat it on the floor.
“Trixie, why did you just fly through my window?” Twilight asked.
“Trixie was THROWN through your window!” Trixie explained.
“Trixie, can you knock it off? I know who you are!”
Trixie narrowed her eyes at Twilight and pursed her lips. “Fine!” Trixie said in a vexed tone. “A minotaur stole Trix…I mean, MY spot at the hedge maze then threw me through the air!”
Twilight paused. “Iron Will did this? I mean…he’s a pretty intense individual, but I’ve never heard of him stealing and throwing ponies…”
“Errr…I may have gave him a goofy afro and a clown nose…” Trixie admitted.
Twilight sighed. “Of course you did…”
“The point is,” Trixie continued as she began to pace around the library, “that it is my location for my magic show, and despite whatever paperwork that Iron Will may claim to have, I should be the one performing for an enthusiastic crowd!”
“Paperwork?” Twilight asked.
Trixie retrieved her scroll from her cape and showed it to Twilight.
Twilight scanned the document.
“Iron Will has an identical document.” Trixie explained.
“Oh!” Twilight exclaimed. “Well, I’m sure this was just a mix-up, I can go to the Mayor’s office and…”
“No!” Trixie declared. “What this calls for is a flashy, demonstration of my AWESOME abilities!”
“Uuuuugh!” Twilight uttered in disgust. “Really?”
Trixie nodded. “I don’t care how muscly or strangely handsome that minotaur is! Trixie WILL have what’s hers!”
Twilight pause. “Wait, wha..?”
Trixie’s face flushed red. “Nothing!” She squeaked out.
**
“Iron Will would like to thank you for allowing him to visit your lovely cottage.” Iron Will said, as he gently took his teacup off a saucer and took a sip, extending his pinkie finger out.
“Oh, it’s no trouble.” Fluttershy said with a smile as she also sipped from a teacup.
“Iron Will is grateful that you helped inspire his latest seminar.”
“I’m just happy that I could help.” Fluttershy stated. “I uh…did hear that you tossed some poor pony across town, though…”
Iron Will paused. “That pony was trying to steal Iron Will’s spot! A spot Iron Will had already reserved with the Mayor’s…
“Uh…erm…Iron Will? I know it’s you…could you maybe…not talk about yourself in 3rd pony for a little while? If that’s okay with you, that is…”
“Uh, sure Fluttershy. Iron…I can do that.”
Fluttershy gave the minotaur a small smile and nodded. “Thanks.” Her smile quickly changed to a frown. “But you really shouldn’t throw ponies around.”
Iron Will put his tea cup back on the saucer and rubbed the back of his head with his free hand. “Sorry, she made me look foolish…I may have overreacted…” He admitted.
“Well, I think you should find this pony and apologize. Maybe you two can even work this out.”
“No way!” Iron Will stated. “I don’t care if Trixie has a beautiful, white mane that shimmers in the sunlight or eyes the color of an amethyst gem!” He stated forcefully. “That spot is mine!”
“Uh…what?” Fluttershy asked in confusion.
“IRON WILL SAID NOTHING OUT OF THE ORDINARY! Oops, sorry…”
“Uh, it’s alright..”
‘Knock, knock’
“Oh, I wonder who that could be…” Fluttershy said as she set her tea cup down and trotted over to the door.
Fluttershy smiled meekly as she opened the door. “Oh! Hey, Twilight.”
“Hey, Fluttershy.” Twilight replied. “There are goats eating your flowers out here.” She informed.
Fluttershy smiled slightly wider and nodded. “They said they were hungry, so I said they can make themselves at home!”
“Uh, right…is Iron Will inside?” Twilight asked.
Fluttershy nodded. “Yes, he’s right…”
“IRON WILL!”
Twilight and Fluttershy turned to Trixie who stood down the path to the cottage.
“THE GRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEAAAAAAAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE CHALLENGES YOU TO A COMPETITION!”
“IRON WILL BACKS DOWN FROM NO CHALLENGER!” Iron Will shouted as he emerged from the cottage door.
“THEN TRIXIE WILL SEE YOU IN THE HEDGE MAZE!” Trixie shouted back.
Twilight gave an exasperated sigh.
“Oh, my!” Fluttershy uttered in concern.
*
“So, what are they going to do in the competition?” Fluttershy asked Twilight as the two gathered in front of the stage, surrounded by ponies of Ponyville.
Twilight shook her head. “Pinkie organized it, it could be anything…”
“Oh, well…I just hope it isn’t dangerous…” Fluttershy uttered.
The two paused and looked up towards the stage with the rest of the ponies as Pinkie bounded towards the center.
“Ladies and gentlecolts!” Pinkie announced to the group. “Tonight two rulers of the razzmatazz, presidents of presence, talkers of 3rd pony compete for the covenant position of ‘WHO WILL GET TO PRESENT AT THE HEDGE MAZE FOR THE REST OF THE WEEK’!
“Seriously?” Twilight asked. “That’s the best you could come up with?”
Pinkie leaned down towards Twilight, placing a forehoof up to muffle her own voice. “I didn’t have a lot of time to come up with anything, just roll with it.”
Pinkie stood back up on stage and looked across the audience. “Alright, Ponies! Let’s get this party started!”
She motioned out to the curtains as they raised.
“To my right, we have the ace of assertiveness, the most masculine of minotaurs, Sultan of the seminar: Iiiiiiroooon Will!”
Iron Will raised his hands up and motioned for the crowd to be louder as they enthusiastically cheered for him.
“And to my left,” Pinkie continued, “We have the most mesmerizing magician, the special spellbinder, that marvel of magic, Trrrrrrrrrrixie Lulamoon!”
Trixie stood up on her hind legs and threw her forehooves out as she created a series of magic, colorful firework like effects above her.
“Yay!”
“Alright, go Trixie!”
Snips and Snails happily stomped their hoofs against the ground, slowly growing quieter as they looked around and realized everypony was quietly glaring at them.
“Hehe…” The two giggled with nervous smiles and ceased their stomping.
“Well, without further ado,” Pinkie said. “Let’s move onto the competition. First: our contestant will cook a scrum-diddly-umptious omelet!”
Twilight and Fluttershy both breathed a sigh of relief.
**
Iron Will frowned at the black smoking mass in his frying pan.
Trixie, on the other hoof, grinned as she plated a golden yellow, perfectly folded, mass of eggs with her magic onto a plate.
“Ooooh! Looks delicious!” Pinkie commented as she bounded over to Trixie’s plate.
Pinkie pulled a fork out of her mane and took a bite of the omelet. “Mmmm, it IS delicious!” Pinkie declared.
Iron Will sighed. “Iron Will knows when he has been beat. Iron Will would like to sample some of Trixie’s omelet!” He declared.
“Trixie believes that she would like this.” Trixie replied with a smile.
Iron Will walked over to Trixie’s side of the stage as Trixie magically levitated a fork over for the minotaur to use.
Iron Will took a bite of the omelet. “Iron Will declares that this is the best omelet he has ever tasted!”
Trixie grinned. “Trixie is pleased that Iron Will likes it.”
“Twilight…are they…” Fluttershy began, trailing off at the end.
“I’m really trying not to think about it…” Twilight replied.
“Alright, next up is the crochet round!” Pinkie declared.
*
Trixie knitted her brow as she sat on a chair and attempted to knit the wrinkled and crocked fabric in front of her.
“Iron Will is wondering if Trixie needs assistance.” Iron Will declared.
“Trixie thinks she is in over her head,” Trixie admitted, “and would greatly appreciate the help.
Iron Will got up from his own chair and walked over to Trixie’s station. He stood behind her and placed his arms around the chair and Trixie, gently taking the needle and fabric as he began expertly looping the thread through the piece Trixie was working on over and over again.
Trixie blushed as she looked to either side, seeing the minotaur’s large, muscular arms surrounding her.
“Hey! No helping the competition!” Pinkie protested.
“Whoops, sorry…” Iron Will said, handing the fabric to Trixie who took it in her forehooves.
Trixie sighed. “Trixie loses this round.” She declared.
“Iron Will was already finished anyways.” Iron Will declared, walking back to his station and picking up a black, hand stitched tie.
Pinkie giggled and took the tie into her hooves. “Well, since it’s a tie…hehehehe…this calls for a tie breaker!” Pinkie declared.
Pinkie reached into her mane and pulled out a large, silver six-shooter pistol. She pressed the ammunition cylinder out, and placed her hoof into her mane again, pulling out a single bullet. She placed the bullet into her mouth, held it with her teeth, and loaded it into a chamber. She closed the cylinder, and gave it a spin.
“Alright!” Pinkie said cheerily. “Old Don Rolette!” She declared, holding the gun out in front of Iron Will and Trixie. “Who’s first?”
The two competitors looked at the large, imposing weapon and gulped.
“Well…Iron Will has never backed down from a challenge…” Iron Will murmured.
“Nor has Trixie…” Trixie added.
“Iron Will will go first!” Iron Will declared.
“No! Trixie will go first!” Trixie insisted.
“IRON WILL DOES NOT WISH TO SEE TRIXIE PUT HERSELF IN HARM’S WAY!”
“TRIXIE DECLARES THAT SHE SHOULD BE THE FIRST TO FIRE THE GUN AT HER OWN HEAD.”
“TWILIGHT THINKS…I mean, THIS IS RIDICULOUS!” Twilight called out. “Pinkie! Put that gun away.”
“Oh, alright!” Pinkie said with a smile. She examined the weapon in one hoof, then looked over to her other hoof. “Why do I even have this?” She wondered out loud.
Iron Will and Trixie breathed a sigh of relief.
“Uh, Princess?” Mayor Mare called trotting over to Twilight. She leaned in close to Twilight and begun whispering into the alicorn’s ear.
“Uh-huh.” Twilight replied with a nod. “Oh? Uh-huh…alright. Thanks, Mayor.”
The mayor nodded with a small smile and quickly trotted away.
“Good news, everypony!” Twilight called out. “Seems there was an error at the mayor’s office.” Twilight explained. “Iron Will does have the hedge maze for 8 A.M, while Trixie has the maze for 8 P.M.”
“This pleases, Trixie,” Trixie stated. “She prefers evening shows anyways!”
“Iron Will is happy this was resolved without violence!” The minotaur announced.
“Trixie agrees.”
“Iron Will would very much like to see Trixie perform.”
“This makes Trixie happy, and she looks forward to seeing Iron Will in the audience!”
“Iron Will would like to compliment Trixie’s gorgeous, light blue fur!”
“Trixie observes that Iron Will’s muscles look inviting, like she would feel safe and secure being held by them!”
The crowd began to follow the now ex-competitors with their eyes as the two 3rd pony speakers made loud declarations back and forth.
“IRON WILL WOULD LIKE TO SHARE A COSTLY PASTA MEAL WITH TRIXIE!”
“TRIXIE IS AMIABLE TO THIS, AS SHE LIKES PASTA!”
“IRON WILL IS HAVING DIFFICULTY CONTROLLING HIMSELF WHILE AROUND TRIXIE’S ENCHANTING BEAUTY!”
“TRIXIE DEMANDS THAT IRON WILL TAKE HER! TAKE HER NOW, IN FRONT OF THIS CROWD OF GAWKING PONIES!”
Iron Will and Trixie paused, staring deeply into each other’s eyes. Suddenly, the two dove for one another. Iron Will wrapped muscled arms around the unicorn as she threw her forehooves over his shoulders. The two locked lips and began to snog enthusiastically in front of the crowd.
The crowd of ponies, in turn, merely stared at the sight in front of them with mouths hanging wide open.
All save one.
“Neat!” Pinkie declared, reaching into her mane and pulling out a camcorder.
“Fluttershy is confused and a bit scared.” Fluttershy declared.
“Twilight is disgusted and wants to get as far away from this place as possible.” Twilight replied.
“Fluttershy suggests she and Twilight go to the spa and try to forget today ever happened.”
“Twilight likes this idea.”
The two ponies turned and walked away into the hedge maze.
“Pinkie Pie is going to record this and then post it to the internet where she’ll make a killing off minotaur fetishists!” The pink pony declared as she recorded the couple’s make-out fest with her camcorder.
The End
