Archer

by Manes

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Crossover, Comedy
Length: 1267

Archer; a clown to others, mare’s stallion, a idol to the rookies, an annoyance to his fellow guards. Problem is: he doesn’t take his job seriously.

Archer; a clown to others, mare’s stallion, a idol to the rookies, an annoyance to his fellow guards. Problem is: he doesn’t take his job seriously.

A mlp spoof of FX's Archer so it's going to be random.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-01-04 22:10:02 UTC

"The....dammit I had something for this."

Two guards trotted alongside each other down the castle’s halls that were filled with paintings and statues that were created by some of the finest artists in Equestria. They passed many of their brothers and sisters-in-arms standing guard at every other door.

The guard on the right wore a black armored suit over his stark white pelt and had a chocolate brown mane. He had been promoted from Lieutenant to Captain due to his bravery during the last war with the Griffons, rescuing his fellow guards who had been wounded and making sure they got to safety.

The guard beside him had a coat of the similar white; it was kind of a standard in the guard, it seemed. He had a black mane and wore the standard gold armor. Unlike his captain, who was quite muscular, he had a little more-than-average build due to the extensive training guards went through.

“Alright, rookie, listen up,” Solar spoke, holding his black helmet to his chest. “This line of work is serious business. Screw up once, and boom! Equestria’s doomed.”

The rookie in front of him gulped, as the images of Equestria falling apart because he slipped up went through his head.  He didn’t speak. He didn’t ask questions. He just nodded.

“Now, your top priority is to protect the Princesses. If you fail to do that… well…” He reached for his sword and unsheathed it, “I’ll be forced to behead you, and I’d rather not do that to such a nice gent, now would I?”

The rookie just shook his head.

Solar chuckled and swung his hoof, hitting the rookie’s back with a little force, making him cough a little. Then he said, “You can speak if you want to now, rookie.”

“Uh y-yes, sir,” he stuttered. “Permission to ask a question, sir?”

“I did say you could speak, didn’t I?” His captain grinned at him.

He nodded. “Yeah, yeah you did… um, when can I meet him? I-I’m a big fan. Of his work.”

“Wait, what...” Solar facehooved as he realised who was being referred to. Every rookie seemed to ask for him. “You're talking about Archer, aren’t you?”

He nodded in response. “It’s actually because of him that I wanted to join the guard in the first place. What he does is awesome and looks really fun.”

Solar stopped trotting and got a confused look from the rookie. “The guard isn’t for ‘fun’, and it isn’t ‘awesome’ either,” he said with a frown. “Get your head in the right place, soldier.”

“Sorry, sir.”

Solar sighed and placed a hoof on the rookie’s shoulder. “Look, you don’t wanna follow Archer. He’s a bad influence, and a disgrace to the Royal Guard and everything we stand for.”

“Sir?”

“He may be a good soldier, but without Lieutenant Star, he’d probably be dead.” He chuckled. “Maybe you just saw Archer at a good time, kid. He really is an embarrassment to the guard.”

The rookie just opened his mouth to speak against it, but nothing came out, so he just kept silent and started walking with the captain again until they were out of the halls.

It was deep in the Everfree Forest, surrounded by shadows and pitch darkness, with the only sound being the rustling of leaves. On one particular tree, Archer and his partner were hung upside down and were being watched by changelings.

“When a mare dressed like cheerleader with skimpy clothes comes up to you out of nowhere and wants to get in bed with you... just say ‘no’,” Archer said as he swung back and forth.

“‘Let’s go with them,’ he says, ‘learn to live a little,’ he says,” Star grumbled. “Yeah, because cheerleaders in extremely revealing clothes coming up to you out of nowhere and wanting to sleep with you is not suspicious at all.”

“Hey, there was nothing ‘suspicious’ about it and they came up to me wearing short skirts, Star. Short. Skirts!” Archer shot back. “Tell me you wouldn’t have gone with them,” he said smugly, assuming he won the argument.

Star folded his forehooves and held his irritation in. “I would not have gone with them,” he said simply.

“Exac- Wait, what?” Archer asked, looking at his friend.

“I would not have gone with them,” he repeated.

Archer scoffed at that. “Yes, you would.”

“No, I really wouldn’t.”

“Yes, you would... wait... You sound pretty sure of yourself...” Archer put his hoof to his jaw in thought, then grinned at his partner. “Oooh, I knew you were in to stallions, Star...”

“Damnit, Archer!”

“Enough!”

Both stallions turned to look at the leader of the changelings, who stood in front of two more. “I finally got the famous Archer and his personal little bitch, Star.”

Archer burst out laughing, “Oh, man. He... he called you a bitch.” He held his sides, “Oh, man, too rich.”

Star chose to ignore that and addressed the leader. “Let me guess. You have been in charge of the invasion ever since Queen Chrysalis was defeated by Princess Cadence and Captain Armor.”

“Well, technically it’s my operation now, ain’t that right, boys?” He turned to look at the other two Changelings.

“Why? You guys failed the first time, what makes this any different? Especially with you in charge?” Archer asked.

The leader chuckled. “Unlike you brainless guards, I plan my moves very carefully before I make one.”

“What are you, some kind of nerd or... or...” Archer tapped his chin, “Damnit, I had something for this...”

The leader walked up to Archer, raised his hoof and smacked Archer across his face. “Don’t you play with me, boy,” he yelled, “I am the commander of the changelings and I won’t be-oof!”

Archer kicked the leader in the gut as he dropped to the forest floor. He landed on his hooves and looked at the other changelings. “You wanna know why they call me the best?” He smirked.

Idiots, Archer thought to himself as the other two charged at him. This should be easy.

Archer galloped towards them and, as one of them tried to get a hit, ducked under the changeling’s hoof and countered with a good kick in the gut, causing the changeling to fall to the ground, clutching his stomach in pain.

Archer then turned to the other. “Let me guess, you’re the one that’s scared shitless right about now, am I right?”

The changeling didn’t respond. Instead, he quickly spun around and dashed into the darkness of the forest, soon vanishing out of sight.

“Once again, the day is saved, thanks to Arch-” He turned around to find the leader standing with a gun pointed straight at his head. “You guys just don’t know when to stay down...”

The changeling leader wiped the blood off his muzzle and chuckled madly. “So this is how the great Archer falls...”

Archer shrugged. “Not really...”

“I have a gun pointed at your head. How are you getting out of this?” He stared at Archer with confusion plastered on his face.

“Gee, and here I thought you were actually smart. Don’t you recall capturing two of us?” The leader’s eyes widened in realization and turned around just in time, shooting Star in the foreleg.

Star groaned and clutched his wound in pain. “Damnit, Archer! What’s the point of trying to surprise him if you’re just gonna tell him anyways?!”

“Well, it... sounded... cool?” Archer chuckled awkwardly. “Partner better call Candy Long.” He quickly disarmed the changeling and hit him in the back of the head with the gun, effectively knocking him unconscious. “Because you’re in the danger zone.”