Achievement Hunters

by Maka Albarn

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Adventure, Random, Human
Length: 5017

This story has a sequel and has been cancelled, please, do not read it, this story does not show what kind of an author I am.

This story has a sequel and has been cancelled, please, do not read it, this story does not show what kind of an author I am.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-09-28 15:37:11 UTC

(1) The Tower of Pimps

It was a sunny day in Austin, Texas, extremely hot, even more so for a certain group of people who were cramped in a room with a ton of electronical devices, hard at "work" if you could call that.

Laughing your ass off and playing video games eight hours a day?

Check and check.

Welcome to Achievement Hunter. It was 8AM and they were waiting for some dumb

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who had the keys to open their office.

At 9AM they entered their office and were shellshocked. They simply stopped mid-step, not even letting out a single breath.

Before them was standing, at five metres tall, a tower of pimps the Tower of Pimps. The base was made out of black obsidian, where the rest was made out of gold, sixty four cubic metres of pure gold!

"What the shmuck?!" yelled Gavin, one of our protagonists and a member of Team Lads.

"There is a Tower of Pimps in our office?! What the hell?!" shouted Jack, a member of Team Gents

"I wouldn't be as much creeped out about the Tower as to why and how someone got in, they could be still in the building, let's call security!" said Ray, a member of Team Lads.

"Guys, I maybe was a half-assed electrician, but I know when something is a hazard, do you see those damned sparks?" warned them Michael, the last member of Team Lads. "Don't go near this, call someone for help."

"Maybe it has a switch somewhe- oh, here it is!" said Gavin as he walked around the tower and pressed a switch on the back of the obsidian tower.

"GAVIN!!" yelled almost everyone, as the tower started sending out more and more sparks, getting brighter and brighter...

...up until they all passed out.

The lands upon which soon would develop Equestria, six thousand years before the Golden Age of The Four Princesses

It was cold, oh so cold upon those damned lands! What was King Purewhite thinking when he said that there are gems here? We can't find anything for five hours! The diamond dogs can't find anything too, because of the temperature their noses are pretty much frozen!

Oh, just pray for a quick king change! The Griffon Kingdom rules the world along with the Minotaur Tribes and the Diamond Dog Dragon alliance, but it's the Griffons that dominate the lands along with the ponies protected by the Griffons.

A quick lesson of history would be that the countries were at war for countless thousands of years, until the Griffon Kingdom allied themselves with the Pony Herds, the griffons gave the ponies arms, and in exchange the equines helped with magical warfare and crops, which had to be stolen from the minotaurs because the griffon didn't know anything about farming back then.

Then suddenly, like that the war stopped. The minotaurs were afraid, so were the Dragons and Diamond Dogs. They were afraid of the supposed deities of ponies and griffons, and they overall military prowess. In reality, there were no deities. Up until two hundred years ago, that is, since the birth of the two pony deities, Princess Nebula and Prince Solar Wind.

Since then, those great countries are one, currently looking for new lands, but there are a few complications.

The ponies want to be free.

They were given a green light from all the races, after all, how powerful is a forced empire? Weak.

The ponies feel unsafe because the pony deities, alicorns, as they call themselves, decided to stay with the Great Empire, as the collection of race call themselves.

The griffons and diamond dogs we are with are scouting the area for gems and dangers, because the ponies want to settle there, unfortunately, the ponies being a very chaotic race, there was a seed of distrust between the three main races, while the 3 more uncommon races of ponies went to the other part of the world, that is, the zebras went to the far west, the horses went to the south, and the seaponies went to the east, to the ocean.

The crystal ponies and the batponies went far ahead, the crystal ponies stopping only at the north pole, where they felt safe, while the batponies stopped at the first home of the dragons, feeling at home.

The batponies were a hybrid of a dragon and a pony, after all.

A mistery are the snow ponies, but there are legends of them being corrupted by a terrible creature into the Windigoes, but this surely can't be true, can it?

Beyond the continent of Equestria, there was also the continent of the Arachnids. There were also other, uncharted continents surely inhabited by other beings.

Suddenly, the head of the scouting party, a white draconian by the name of Gaisras, tripped over a sticking out piece of a black material. He tripped because he was a draconian, differing from dragons, they were faster, smarter and had hotter fire, but were drastically smaller, the biggest draconian standing at mere five feet ten inches.

He got up, and grabbed the piece and started pulling. He became annoyed when he realised the object was stuck deep underground, he called to the diamond dogs to start digging and the griffons to help him pull.

After a lot of straining, they dug out a strange tower, the bottom was made out of unknown materials, but the rest? Four metres of gold! Of course, everything found belonged to the King. He paid more for the more they found. But that isn't the funny part.

The king was always under the gods, and when the King was clearly evil, he was thrown out of the stool. Many creatures were against Nebula and Solar Wind, waiting for a mistake all the time just to take the country from their filthy hooves. I was quoting a propaganda poster right now.

"Hey, you pricks, leave our Tower of Pimps alone or you shall learn the powers of the Fake Achievement Hunter Crew!" they heard a shout from somewhere, what they saw when they turned around, was shocking.

Six unknown creatures were standing there, armed with many weapons, their armor reaching up to their teeth.

The one that provoked them was flying over his comrades in a weird, green armor, the fact that he flew without any kind of wings was shocking. What was even more shocking was his mustache. It was so great!

There was one in a green hood with black spots, holding a bow the size of a fully grown stallion, in another hand holding three arrows, one between his index finger and the middle finger, another between his middle finger and the ring finger, and the third arrow between that finger and the pinky finger.

One of them wore a tuxedo, had a mask on his face, and held only a rose.

There was a very muscled one, with the the size of a pony's head, he could easily crush the draconian in a bear hug.

There was another one very much like him, smaller but with more visible muscle, wearing glasses and holding a very sharp, turquoise sword.

The last one wore a crown and a cape, dressed in royal clothes and holding a sword and a bow on his back, levitating like the one that shouted at them.

What was scary was the thickness of their armor, they were, as said before, armed to teeth.

Most of the diamond dogs already ran off.

"This statue now belongs to the King, prepare for death, spawn of Sleipnir!" shouted the dragon that stood at unimpressive five feet."

The fight lasted five minutes. Could have been about thirty seconds if not for the fact that Gaisras was being simply toyed with. He ran off with a few broken scales and destroyed pride, to tell the King and the deities of an upcoming danger.

The Great Empire and the ponies were surely in a danger.

(2) Bridges Burned? More Like Villages Burned Down!

Two months later

"Ryan, you are a disturbing person!" said Geoff to Ryan, as they walked past yet another house burned to the ground.

"Is it my fault that the Fire Salamanders actually listened to me? I thought they were another weird intellingent species, not actual animals! With the number of intelligent beings spouting fire on this world, I didn't think they were animals, it was a joke!" Ryan gave a half-assed excuse.

Ryan, after about two days, found out he had complete power over the animals of the planet. A disturbing but interesting ability.

"A joke, huh? 'Go forth and burn every village in a radius of twenty miles'! Those are your exact fucking words, Ryan, I was there, I heard that!" said Michael, joining the conversation.

"Alright, alright! Let's get done with this and check on Gavin, Jack and Ray to see if Ray managed to stop Jack from killing Gavin!" quickly changed the topic Ryan as they, once again, entered the snowy wasteland.

It wasn't a wasteland yesterday, but then Ryan told the salamanders to burn down all of those villages. There was snow everywhere, and you could see the ashes in the snow.

"Ryan you are already responsible for about ten thousand deaths! That is a HUNDRED times more than the killcount of every single one of us." said Geoff.

"Well, for my excu--" started Ryan but was cut off by Michael.

"Every single of us together!" said Michael.

"Okay, shut up, I know I fucked up!" Ryan said, not sounding guilty at all.

"Fucked up? Your number of kills went higher in the span of twenty four hours than the Master Chief's through his whole life! You're making the Covenant rethink about attacking Earth! The whole universe has heard of you by now! I am actually serious, just wait, we'll wake up with daggers in our throats and the Tower of Pimps gone!" Geoff said, telling lies.

Why lies, you ask? Not EVERYONE knows of Ryan.

Only most of the dimension does.

As they kept walking, nearing their base, they were ambushed.

"Halt, foul creatures! Thou art accused of great atrocities! You are to follow me to the King now, or thee shall feel the wrath of the sixthy-ninth squadron of the pegasi and griffons of the Great Empire!" shouted a completely white griffon as he jumped out of the snow, followed by a dozen of ponies and griffons.

Then they were promptly burned alive by the salamanders.

"That's ten thousand and twelve, Ryan." said Michael to Ryan.

"Let's just get to the HQ." said Ryan, tired of all those accusations.

"Anyways, how's plan TAFKART going on?" asked Michael as they were nearing their base, just to kill the long trek up the stairs to the main entrance.

It was a grand building, because it seems that the Lads and Gents were given abilities to, pretty much build as if they were still playing Minecraft. It was made out of clean stone to blend in with the mountain, mantained by snowmen that created snow.

Ray was extremely pleased to find out that the Gents made snowmen.

"Pretty much ready, we just need a little burst of magic from the Tower, you know how rare those are!" said Ryan, suddenly becoming more happy.

"A burst of magic from the Tower? That's like asking a griffon to marry a pegasus, very fucking unlikely!" said Geoff as they were nearing the door to the HQ.

There were shouts heard from deeper of the HQ, something along the lines of:

Gavin shut up or I swear to God I will let Jack kill you!

I was almost as if it came from underground.

"What are they doing with the Tower now?" asked Geoff as he sighed and entered the first room of the massive building.

It was more of a big hallway, there were doors on the right and left, and a shelf for boots and warm clothing when someone was going outside. The neverending winter WAS a pain in the ass.

To the right were doors to the rooms of the two Gents, Jack and Geoff. There was also an entrance to the kitchen and "The Wardrobe of Pimps".

To the left were the rooms of the Lads, Ray, Gavin and Michael. There was also an entrance to the "Relax Room of Pimps".

On the end of the hallway was a door to the underground. On the first floor of the underground was a giantic laundry room.

On the second floor was a garden, where there was mostly weed (#JustBlaze420!) and roses. Because fuck dandelions.

On the third floor was the biggest prize of the Lads and Gents. The Tower of Pimps. The darned thing that brought them here. The thing that kept them alive and gave them magic.

The thing they were afraid of, deep down.

This is why it was on the third floor. Below it? There was a zoo, or a farm, or whatever they decided to call it on that day. There were two of each animal they managed to find. There was also Edgar, Prince Oinkson and Edgar Third.

They also found that there ARE monsters here. This is why there is a fifth floor.

Ryan had the sixth room as his own personal lab, project TAFKART was being made there.

The seventh floor was Ryan's bedroom, kitchen and bathroom. You know, they thought it would be fun if they got Ryan into the deepet circle of hell.

It got out of hand... very fast. Like a joke on Reddit.

The group that went outside ran over to the room where the Tower was. What they found was Gavin sitting in a corner, and Ray holding Jack who was about to jump on Gavin and smash him.

"What the fuck is going on in here!?" shouted Geoff as he ran into the room and took the situation in.

"The typical Wednesday, Geoff! How did the check-on go?" shouted Ray as he held Jack back.

"Just like you predicted, all of those villages are burnt to crisp." said Michael as he got closer and caught Jack as he managed to get free because Ray lost his grip on him.

"Really? Ryan, you fucked up." said Ray to Ryan, who was tired of being called out and left to go to the Lab.

"Hey, don't be mad! I'm joking! R&R connection? Come back!" Ray shouted as he went to follow Ryan.

"Okay, what happened here?" Asked Geoff.

"This little shit insulted my family!" said Jack for the first time, if you don't count the angry growls and incomprehensive shouts.

"Accidentally!" squeaked Gavin quickly in his british accent making it sound as 'occidentolly!'

"Say sorry." said Michael, glaring at Gavin.

"B--" was all Gavin managed to say before Michael let go of one of Jack's arms.

"I'M SORRY PLEASE DON'T KILL ME TOO HARD!" Gavin shouted quickly as he got up and ran out of the room.

"Yeah, Jack, don't kill him too hard!" shouted Michael as he let Jack go, who immediately ran off to murder Gavin.

"Let's barricade Gavin's door so when he respawns he won't be able to get out!" said Geoff, in one of his usual strikes of genius.

"You're a genius." said Michael as they went off to barricade Gavin's door.

(3) The Heist - Part 1

"Okay guys, we gathered here because we must discuss a plan." said Geoff to his crew members, Ray, Ryan, Michael, Gavin and Jack.

"We're doing a heist." He said as he unfurled a map that was on the wall. It was a map of the Great Empire's capital city, Neighden. A jewellery store was marked with a red circle, along with Plan A being written over it.

"We need something that flies, remember when we constructed that giantic 3D printer?" asked Geoff.

"That took a long time!" commented Ray, because it truly did take a long time. Everyone was building it while Gavin was hunting food for them (and hurting himself in the meantime).

"It did, and guess what? We, in the span of twelve hours, made three Cargobobs, a tank and two trucks for for the jewellery." said Geoff as he opened a second piece of paper, on which there were three cargobobs flying, which were carrying a tank and two trucks.

"We drive the tank and the trucks, Jack, me and Ryan will fly the Cargobobs, while Gavin and Ray rob the store. Michael will be shooting the tank mid air, but we do not expect any resistance. Except for those two annoying demigods..." Geoff explained the plan to his teammates.

"We run away to a nearby peaceful forest, it's called the Everfree. Nothing suspicious about this forest, hmm?" he said as he pointed to a nearby forest below the grand, flying city of Neighden.

"Uh... not that I'm against anything, but Ray and Gavin are robbing the store?" asked Ryan, concerned.

"Would you rather trust him with a Cargobob or a tank?" Geoff asked Ryan, annoyed.

"Point taken."

"SHOPPING MONTAGE! Let's go to that minotaur clothing store!" shouted Geoff as he started running out and everyone followed him.

Thirty minutes later

They didn't do a shopping montage in a minotaur clothing store.

The Lads and Gents all decided to take a Cargobob to the city, and like total badasses, jump out of it with parachutes and let the Cargobob crash into some important building, most preferably killing off some of the royalty.

Of couse, the Cargobob just HAD to hit the Jeweller store they were planning to rob, as such, so they decided to, without further ado, go up to and rob the store, they just happened to have six pistols in the Cargobob and each a mask.

Ryan had his usual gray skull mask, Michael had a brown monkey mask, Gavin had a yellow monkey mask, Geoff had a white hockey mask, Jack had a green and orange wrestling mask, while Ray took a patriotic, white eagle mask.

They got in into the half-destroyed Jeweller store, yelling and wildly shooting their firearms in the air and in the ground.

"This is a robbery! Give us jewellery and we won't kill you!" said Geoff, as Ryan turned to him.

"We're not" asked Ryan as he made puppy eyes.

"I- alright, give us the jewellery and we're gonna murder you real quick!" changed his mind Geoff as they all opened several bags and filling it with the many gemstones and necklaces, diamonds, sapphires, emeralds, rubies and many more.

"Guys, hurry up! I can see guards flying here!" yelled Gavin as the crew was finishing packing the jewellery.

"They're going into the hole anyways, Gavin!" yelled Ryan as he finished up packing his Jewellery and went up to meet the guards.

Meet meaning to murder them, obviously.

"Eat lead, overgrown birds! you could hear Ryan going full-on psycho in the background, to the sound of griffons getting blown up.

Ryan had no explosives...

"I swear, that motherfucker gets creepier and weirder every day." commented Geoff, who was wrapping up with the jewellery.

"Yeah, but he's our psychotic motherfucker, and there's nobody like him!" said Ray, who was waiting by the door, giving cowering fire for his crazy teammate.

As they were leaving the jewellery store, leaving the clerks alive, they called to Ryan and went to a dark alley, going through the darker parts of the city. They got to the far edge of the city, where there was only a drop to the ground beneath them.

"By the way... why do we need this? We don't need money." asked Michael, suddenly concerned.

"We need those gemstones to infuse them with magic to initiate the plan know as TAFKART." said Ryan, his bloodlust ended.

"Sorry to pop your bubble but... how are we going to get down?" asked Ray.

"Well, we do come to life after we die, we could jump down with the gems, die, and come back after we 'respawn' and take them." said Gavin, a good idea for the first time this year.

"Too much work, and respawning is creepy. You know what? Someone must kill themselves and come for us with the Cargobob." said Geoff, as everyone moved away from the ledge.

Everyone except for Gavin, who was looking down the edge.

"This is gonna be quite a drop, who's up for it?" he asked nobody.

Suddenly, Michael kicked him in the ass, making Gavin fall through the air, down to the ground. Thankfully Gavin did not have a bag of the gems.

"That's for being a dumb motherfucker!" yelled Michael to Gavin.

But Michael was shoved by Ryan off the city.

"Make sure he doesn't destroy the Cargobob!" said Ryan, as he comically ripped the bag of jewellery off Michael as he was just about to plummet to the ground.

He then moved further from the edge, just in case.

(4) The Heist - Part 2

15 minutes later

Time Anti-Dynamite (plus Geoff) sat on the ground, near the great fall to the ground below, the great flying city about three kilometres in the air.

Then they saw the Cargobob flying towards them.

Gavin was driving.

"Quick, move out of the way! Gavin is driving!" shouted Ryan, grabbing two bags of their loot and running away.

Indeed, Gavin was driving the Cargobob, it was visibly swaying very hard, just before he flew into a bulding and crashed, he slowed down in a very comical fashion.

Then the Cargobob's wings simply shattered.

"GAVIN! You dumb FUCK!" yelled Geoff while Michael, who was sitting next to Gavin (he was pushed by Ryan, remember?) literally kicked Gavin out of the pilot seat, got out himself, grabbed him by his clothes, and started shaking him back and forth while yelling.

"You, dumb, fucking, piece, of, shit, I, told, you, to, stay, away, from, the, pilot, seat!" yelled Michael, punctuating each shout with a shake of Gavin.

"Plan B of plan B, guys..." said Geoff, looking to Ryan, whose face lit up like a Christmas tree.

"Uh... Geoff? What is plan B of plan B?" asked Michael, worried.

"On the other side of the city, there is a lake, which we can get to with a nice freefall. The plan is to set Ryan free upon the ponies, and five minutes later to follow the path of blood, carnage and explosions." explained Geoff, while Ryan somehow got a hold of a Heavy Machine Gun.

Five hours later later

It was almost night by now.

The AH Crew was walking through the greatest part of the flying city. The Gardens. Or rather, the remains of it, which mostly were just ashes. Where Ryan got fire, whether it was a flame thrower, or simply grenades, was an unknown.

They finally caught up with Ryan, and what they saw was... not disturbing anymore. He was kicking a few ponies into a dug up hole.

"You better stay in the hole, understand?" Ryan said, as the ponies all nodded in fear, and he turned to his friends.

"Oh, you finally found me? Took you long enough." he said, as they started moving on forward the other edge of the city.

"We should get a pony." said Ryan, walking ahead of the group as everyone looked at him.

"Why would you want a pony? We can get you a changeling." said Ray as he walked up to Ryan to keep his pace up with him.

"You can't cut through them with those shitty tools made out of the shitty version of this planet's iron." said Ryan, his jimmies rustled.

For the next five minutes, they were walking through a path of carnage, up until they stopped before what made their hearts start beating faster.

There were three Elite Minotaur Knights ahead of them.

There are only ten of those Knights in the whole Kingdom.

They are brutal, and they always get the job done, whether it be assassination, simple public murder or single-handedly destroying a giantic earth pony mafia with connections in every part of the royal family?

You can count on them.

The three before them were the heavily armored knights, one wielding a giantic, black hammer with golden decorations and a "Maulnjir" written on the flat of the hammer. It was glowing a soft blue, humming.

Another one was holding TWO Ultra Greatswords, the one in his right hand held on his shoulder and the one in his left arm held simply like a shortsword, the minotaur itself was weird, his left arm having more muscle than any other part of his body.

Well, maybe except for one. You know which one.

The third one simply held an alpha male manticore on a leash, holding a mace in the other hand.

The two minotaurs stood at seven feet, and the great minotaur was nine feet.

"R&R Connection, take the manticore one, Trial and Error for the hammer one, watch out, it's enchanted and works like a Gravity Hammer, Dynamic Dumb-Asses for the alpha Minotaur!" suddenly shouted Geoff as they all surrounded the minotaurs in pairs.

"Bloodshed time, Geoff?" said Michael to Geoff.

"Nope, I'm just fucking around, RYAN! BLOW THEM UP!" suddenly shouted Geoff to Ryan as Geoff relaxed, waiting for the carnage.

"Done." said Ryan as his hands shot out, pointing in the minotaurs' direction...

"Stop fucking around!" said Ray, looking at him.

"Fine, asshole." he said as his hands were back at his sides, and suddenly the minotaurs exploded.

As they were about to jump off the city, into the lake below, they suddenly heard a deafening voice behind them.

HALT, VILLAINS! I, PRINCE SOLAR WIND, AND I AM ABOUT TO ERASE YOU ALL FROM EXISTENCE!

"Mid-flight battle go!" shouted Geoff as he jumped off, followed by everyone else, and soon the Prince flying towards them.

(5) If you gaze long into the abyss...

Gravity works in weird ways on this world. Gavin was learning quickly of this.

Solar Wind was flying and getting closer to them, and he was visibly, to put it simply, fucking with gravity.

Definitely an art of black magic. It's one thing to change your gravity, it's another thing to change the gravity of many people.

Everyone was simply floating in the air, two hundred metres in the air, as the alicorn Prince was closing in on them.

Gavin suddenly grabbed his bow, and faster than the Prince could blink, shot an arrow at him, but by some kind of luck, he managed to dodge the arrow.

Unknown to him, Gavin's eye glowed green for a moment. Enough time for Geoff to notice and get a shit-eating grin.

Solar Wind was flying at high speeds towards Michael, who unseathed his blade and got ready for impact, holding the Diamond Sword between his hands in a defensive position.

As the horn and blade were about to clash, Gavin raised his hand and quickly threw an arrow to the ground, and the arrow from before glowed green and shot down at unbelievable speeds towards the alicorn, hitting him square in the horn, causing him to fly to the right, and the spell to flicker.

He flew next to Jack, who grabbed him in a bear hug and started squeezing him.

As they were flying, Jack started spinning in a corkscrew manner.

Time slowed down as they were nearing the ground.

Ten metres.

Nine.

Eight.

Seven.

Six.

Five.

Four.

Suddenly the Prince shook himself out of the daze, and shot a beam straight at Jack, making him evaporate.

He caught the arrow that Gavin threw down and shot it at Michael, where it flew right through him and hit Geoff.

Three.

He shot out and flew at speeds even he didn't know he could go at.

Two.

He pierced Geoff through the heart with his horn.

One.

He shot out at Ray. He almost got him, but he landed on the ground and dodged, making the Prince land on the ground with his horn in the ground.

Enough time for Ray to make black vines with... blue thorns rise out of the ground, grabbing at the Prince's hooves and neck, immobilising him.

"A second." said Ryan.

"It took him a second to murder the rest." he said, nearing the Prince.

"He's a danger." Ray said, grabbing his pistol.

"Indeed, he is." Ryan agreed, in turn grabbing his pistol.

"Fools! Do you think you can hurt me? You can't kill an immortal, damned mortal beings!" the Prince shouted.

"Who said we have no means to hurt an immortal?" they both said as they aimed their pistol at Solar Wind's head, standing before him, looking down upon the alicorn.

"Ryan?" said Ray, lowering his gun.

"On it." said Ryan, placing his gun back into his pocket.

He grabbed the Prince's hair, yanked his horn out of the ground, and looked him straight into his eyes.

"Practising black magic, are we? Do you know the saying?" Ryan said looking him straight in the eyes.

"If you gaze long into the abyss..." Ryan began, but he stopped.

"I modified it. If you gaze long into the abyss... the Ryan looks back at you." he said.

And then everything went black for the prince.

"I always liked your version of the saying better, Ryan." said Ray.

Very important announcement

This is pretty important.

Pretty as in I'm cancelling the story.

Whoa, before celebrating, which is rude, let me tell you that the adventure with AH is not done yet.

I'm going to make a new story.

True, while making this I have made... mistakes.

Limiting myself with Achievement Hunter, locking the story in the past, force myself to write terribly.

It will have everything that is RT.

Except for Strangerhood and that other old show.

Rvb. RWBY. And I will implement AH and parts of RT as superheroes, not normal people. For example X-Ray and Vav.

Excited? I sure am.

Do Roosters Have Teeth?

I know the title is terrible. Any suggestions?

yes.

still looking for a pre-reader and an editor.