Guns and Alcohol Don't Mix

by Zanem-Ji

Rating: teen
Tags: Anthro, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Gilda, Zecora
Length: 2477

It was supposed to be a simple sleepover, but 30 bottles of various liquors later, and it had evolved into a violent and chaotic war that would be talked about through the ages...

It was supposed to be a simple sleepover, but 30 bottles of various liquors later, and it had evolved into a violent and chaotic war that would be talked about through the ages...

(Had way more than 5 characters. Here's the list of ponies in this that weren't checked off: Trixie, Shining Armor, Derpy, Big Mac, Braeburn, Octavia, and Vinyl Scratch)

Published 2014-01-05 08:40:03 UTC
Last updated 2014-01-05 08:40:03 UTC

Too Much Alcohol=Too Much Insanity

Author's Note

So there is no confusion, they are indeed anthropomorphic. Human like hands, animal like...feet? Depending on what animal they are I guess. I don't want anyone to freak out because I used hands and hooves in the same story...

Comment and Rate It. Love It or Hate It. Simple.

Too Much Alcohol=Too Much Insanity

It was supposed to be a freakin' sleepover. Just friends and family having a good time. Nothing serious.

So how in the hell did turn into this? This, chaotic, destructive battle in which there would only be one winner? And even then, the reward was not so amazing...

Well, Pinkie and Dash begged me to have a sleepover at my place. I of course, was all for the idea. And why not? I live in a huge castle, after all. I told them to invite some of our other friends too.

So here we all are, chilling in one of the many living rooms in this place. Pinkie and Dash stagger in.

“WHOOooo…that was fun…” Pinkie slurs. Dash’s head bobs up and down in agreement.

Oh yeah, did I mention that Berry Punch decided to stop by and drop off alcohol? She said it would liven things up a bit.

Things got lively alright.

Now, Pinkie, Gilda, Vinyl, Dash, Derpy, Fluttershy, and Trixie were drunken dumbasses. They were doing what drunkards do best: Being stupid. Rarity, Applejack, Octavia, Braeburn, Shining Armor, and Zecora could hold their liquor. They just kept downing the drinks and giggling at all the stupidity. As for the Scootaloo, Sweetie, Apple Bloom, Spike, Big Mac and I, we refused to let any alcohol touch our lips. Big Mac and I will probably get into trouble for being in the same area with these crazy drunkards, and the others didn’t need to get arrested for underage drinking. We watched Trixie and Dash waltz to no music.

It was actually quite entertaining.

Trixie hopped into Shining Armor’s lap, “Trixie’s gots to tell ya man, ya sista is sexy.”

“I’d tap that!” Gilda agreed.

Trixie looked at griffin, while my brother chuckled nervously,

"Um...please get off of me..."

Trixie hopped up and pointed at me while she still maintained her glare on the griffin

“You can’t tap her.” Trixie yells. “Trixie is her tapper!”

“I’d. Tap. That!!” Gilda repeated angrily.

“Not if Trixie gets it first!!”

The two got in each other’s faces. Dash stepped in between them,

“Guyeess…chill…”

I shake my head. I love Trixie, but I can’t help but feel a bit embarrassed. I suddenly realize that Trixie and Gilda are looking at me with the bedroom eyes. I feel the beads of sweat on my forehead. I know what’s going to happen next. Trixie looks like she’ll actually pounce. Her body starts to turn to me, and I go into action. She jumps over the table, and I jump over the couch. She hops over it too, but the alcohol has made her clumsy. She stumbles, and slams her face into the wall. It doesn’t faze her in the slightest. She chases me as I run back around the couch. I run towards Gilda, and jump into the air. They collided into each other. They fell over by the coffee table, and Gilda’s talons hit a plate full of shrimp. The shrimp catapulted into the air, and smashed into Dash’s face. Everyone looked at the surprised and angry Pegasus while Pinkie snickered at her. A few more seconds of silence had passed before all the drunkards busted into fits of laughter.

“Youse a dirty pony!!” Braeburn teased. This brought more laughter to the group. The sober ponies (and dragon) stifled their laughter. Dash picked up the cocktail sauce bowl and stumbled over to the farm colt. She poured the sauce all over the pony’s head. Everyone gasped.

“What in the Sam Hell is wrong with you?!” Braeburn yelled.

“The carpet!!” Sweetie and I scream.

“Now you’re dirty.” Dash stated.

Braeburn grabbed an apple, and chucked it at his attacker. She managed to duck, and it slammed into Fluttershy’s snout. The creamy yellow Pegasus teared up,

“That hurt alot!!”

“You’re such a wuss.” Rarity insulted before downing a shot of tequila.

Fluttershy leered at the pure white Unicorn, “I’d like to see…” she trailed off.

There was a second of silence.

“Aren’t ya goin’ tah finish that sentence?” Apple Bloom questioned.

“Finish what sentence?”

Apple Bloom shakes her head, disregarding what would be a stupid conversation. She lays her head on my shoulder. Big Mac bent over and leaned into my ear,

“Ah think we should take this lil’ get together outside. Ya know, before they get worse.” He suggested.

I nod in agreement, “I’m all for it, but it might be difficult to get them out.”

“Eeyup. But it’s possible. Ah got this.”

The red stallion stood up, and walked towards the door.

“Hey everybody, DJ PON-3 outside!!” He announced with faux excitement.

Every drunken pony stampeded towards the door. Big Mac opened it, and they rushed outside. The sober group followed the drunken ones out. Vinyl looked around for DJ PON-3.

“Where the hell is DJ PON-3?” Vinyl asked.

“I just realized something.” Pinkie pointed at her, “YOU'RE DJ PON-3!!”

Fluttershy squealed, “Yay!!” She ran up to Vinyl and pulled a pen out of her pink flowing mane, “Can I have your autograph?”

“Why is there a pen all up in yer mane?” Applejack asked.

“To hold my mane up and out of my face. Duh. That’s what they’re for.”

“Those are pins, Sugarcube. Bobby pins.”Applejack corrected.

Fluttershy looked surprised, “OH! I see…”

She then began pulling dozens of ink pens put of her mane, letting it fall over her butt. I don’t remember it being that long, even by her standards, but whatever.

“Now,” she brushed her bangs out of the way, “Can I have your autograph?”

“You’se ain’t got nothin’ for her to write on.” Rarity pointed out. The absolutely ridiculous amounts of alcohol she had consumed was finally starting to kick in.

Fluttershy stared at her empty hand, as if paper would appear in it. A light bulb goes off in her head, and she smiles. My eyes go wide when she grabs the bottom of her shirt. Sweetie and Apple Bloom realize it too.

“FLUTTERSHY, NO!!!” The three of us shriek in unison.

Too late.

She rips off her shirt. She’s not wearing a bra either. Her boobs bounce wildly, and drunk or not, all the stallions and lesbimares are looking at them. Vinyl stares at the jiggling mounds of flesh. I look over at Octavia for a reaction. I know Vinyl wouldn’t dare cheat on her or anything, but still…

Why the hell is she staring at them so damn hard?!

A few seconds pass, and she’s still staring.

She really should stop staring, before she gets in trouble.

A few more seconds pass.

I see Octavia's eye twitch.

Yet another few more seconds pass.

Okay, this is getting stupid. Let me stop her before Octavia kills her.

“Vinyl Scratch!!”

Vinyl looks at me, “Yeah?”

“Are you done staring?” I ask angrily on behalf of my friend.

“I’m not starin’. I’m tryin’ ta figure out what to do with these.” Vinyl pointed at Fluttershy’s boobs.

“Sign ‘em!!” the yellow Pegasus commanded.

“Sure. Whatever.”

Vinyl clicks the pen, and begins writing on her chest “To my biggest fan…” she moves to the right boob, “of all time. -DJ PON-3-.”

The DJ smiled in content at her handwriting. Fluttershy smiled drunkenly, happy that she got an autograph. She skipped away, the boys still drooling over her perky breasts. Applejack smacked Braeburn and Big Mac out of their hypnotic stares. I just shake my head and look on.

“Look at what I found, I want to show it to you!” Zecora’s voice rang out. “Such an amazing piece of gear, let’s see what it can do!”

We all turn to see her holding a massive rifle. She aims it at Trixie, who’s too drunk to get out of the way. Does she not realize what she’s doing?! She could kill my marefriend!! She cocks the rifle,

“Shoot it!!” Rarity and Pinkie shout in unison.

“NO!!!” I scream.

“Okay!!”

Running off of instinct, love, and adrenaline, I jump into the line of fire. Zecora pulls the trigger,

*POW!!*

I let out a scream, ready for Death to take me. Wetness begins to take over on my shirt. I know it’s my blood. Strange…I don’t feel any pain.

Everyone laughs. Why? I’m fucking dying here!!

I look down at my shirt. It’s wet alright. Not with blood, but with water.

That evil witch bitch had shot me with a water gun.

I jump up and charge at the zebra. Her face turns to surprise, and she takes off. I chase after her. She runs to the edge of the cliff where our castle overlooks the sea. She jumps to the side, and I follow. I lunge myself onto her. She falls over and drops the water gun. I grab it and quickly jump away.

“You must be punished!!” I shout.

“Not if I get you first!” One of the stallions yelled. It was my brother.

I turned to him. Shining Armor stares back at me with glazed eyes. A smile tugs at the corners of his mouth as he lifted up the long sleeve of his shirt. In his hand, is a long barreled pistol. As I looked around at the others, they too pull out water guns that look like pistols, rifles, shotguns, and Uzis. Pinkie defied the laws of physics (as usual) and pulled a freaking cannon out of her shirt... and what the heck was Fluttershy holding? Was that a bazooka?! I look over my shoulder. Zecora‘s back on her hooves and had a pistol in each hand. I would’ve been seriously screwed if I hadn’t managed to get this rifle. They all had a weapon of some sort. They were all prepared for a-

“WATER GUN FIGHT!!” Pinkie shrieks at the top of her lungs. Everyone cocked their weapons. Gilda was the first to get hit, and knocked out in one shot. Spike stumbles to avoid a shot from Rarity. I got hit in the back by Trixie, and a water balloon exploded on the side of her head. A weapon cocked loudly. We hear Fluttershy let out a maniacal laugh.

“DIE!!” She shrieks. She quickly aimed at Rarity and fired. The giant rush of water hits her square in the chest. The pressure from the water knocks her down, and all the alcohol she had kept her down. The Unicorn was knocked out. Dash ran past me. She cocked the huge double barrel shotgun and starts firing at everyone. Braeburn and Zecora were hit, and go down for the count. Derpy dodges the water and fires at Sweetie with an Uzi. As Sweetie goes down, Scootaloo jumped over her and threw a dozen water balloons. Four of them hit Applejack, taking her down. Six hit Shining Armor, and the other two hit me. I aim at Scootaloo and shoot. I hit her as she tries to do a little victory jump. Her back hit the now soaked grass, and she’s knocked out. Spike fires at Pinkie, hitting the party pony in the face. Pinkie shakes it off and fires back. Spike is sent flying, and hits Octavia. Just as Vinyl tries to sit up from an attack, she gets hit by the flying creatures as well.

That's three down in one shot. Pinkie's good. Really good.

Applejack has recovered from being hit, and fired at Pinkie. She gets hit in the face again, but this time, goes down.

Looks like Applejack may be even better than her.

Fluttershy aimed her bazooka at Dash and fires. The cyan pony goes down with a heavy thud. She takes aim at me with incredible speed and fires. I know I won’t be able to dodge it. Suddenly, Trixie is standing in front of me. She takes the blow and shakes if off as if nothing happened. She turned and fired her revolver at Fluttershy. All six shots hit her. She fell to her knees. Trixie took my rifle and walked over to the Pegasus. She cocked the rifle and aimed at her head.

“Oh dear…please don’t shoot me!” Fluttershy begged. “I want to live!”

“Sorry ‘Shy, but The Great and Powerful Trixie ain’t takin' no prisoners.” The powder blue Unicorn replied, then fired. Fluttershy was soaked, and knocked unconscious. My girlfriend let out a triumphant laugh. I filled up the revolver. I knew that this was not over yet. I looked up, and was staring down the barrel of the rifle. The rifle that I had taken from Zecora.

“You’re really going to shoot me?!” I questioned.

Trixie nodded, “Uh, yeah. All is fair in love AND war.” She cocks the rifle. “And this is war baby!!!”

I close my eyes. I hear an almost deafening splash and feel water sprinkle my face. I open my eyes to see Trixie is soaked. Her eyes glaze over, and she falls over backwards, unconscious. I looked to my right to see my savior. It was Derpy, holding Fluttershy’s bazooka. I hopped to my hooves,

“Thanks Derpy! You saved me!” I said graciously.

Derpy cocked the bazooka again and aimed at me.

“Are you fucking kidding me?!”

She didn’t reply. She only fired. I ducked, and the water hit something with a gurgled ‘THUNK!’. I look over my shoulder to see Big Mac about to topple on top of me. I jumped to the side as he hits the ground. I gawk and look back at Derpy, who’s just smiling at me with her one-of-a-kind goofy smile. I smile back, but it disappears when I see her get shot in the back by Apple Bloom. The Earth Pony smiled with glee at making the mail mare fall. She looks at me and points her shotgun at me. I pick up the rifle and aim back. We both cock our weapons. I watch her fingers slide down to the trigger, and I copy her. I pulled the trigger,

*POW!!*

Our weapons go off at the same time. The jet stream of water screams past my head. My aim was perfect, however, and Apple Bloom is soaked. The young farmer goes down. Everyone is knocked out but me. I survived the war. I WON!! I jump into the air,

“Oh yeah!! I’m freaking awesome!!”

I do a victory dance, and laugh. I didn’t even fire that many shots and I still won! My ecstatic mood stays at its peak for about five minutes before I stopped. Something just dawned on me.

“How the hell am I gonna get all of these bastards back inside the castle?!”