The Sugarcube Health Inspection

by Kafkasaurous

Rating: teen
Tags: Original Character, Comedy, Random, Pinkie Pie, Mrs. Cake, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2593

When Sugarcube Corner fails a surprise health inspection Pinkie Pie has a lot of explaining to do.

Cup Cake has arrived home from a long day of shaking hands with pastry chefs at the annual Canterlot Baking Convention. It seems, in her absence, the bakery received a surprise visit from a very important guest, a health inspector named Hardtack (or as Pinkie Pie calls him, "Mister Handsome").

When Cup Cake left this morning everything was wonderful, so how in Celestia's name did they fail the inspection? When Pinkie Pie screws up, she really screws it up.

Pinkie Pie has a lot of explaining to do, in typical Pinkie fashion that is.

Now totally and completely error free thanks to proofreading from the ever peerless twilight-the-pony.
SHUT UP! I SAID COMPLETELY!

Published 2014-01-05 22:20:05 UTC
Last updated 2014-01-05 22:20:05 UTC

It went like this...

"The sun was high in the sky, the birds in the trees were singing a happy tune. Everything seemed to…"

"Pinkie, just get to the point, I can't do diapers and story, you gotta make it quick." Cup Cake's patience was wearing thin.

"We failed the health inspection."

"WE WHAT!" Cup Cake spun around, an angry look on her face.

"Well, it's kind of a long story, ya see…"

The sun was high in the sky, the birds in the trees were singing a happy tune. Everything seemed to be right in Ponyville. Hungry ponies stood in line to get the latest treat from Sugarcube Corner. Today's special, Pumpkin Explosion!

Today, Pinkie Pie was in charge of the counter, the Cakes were at yet another baking convention in Canterlot and would not be back till the evening. Thankfully, the lunch rush was nearly over.

A cry rang out from up the stairs. The babies were awake.

"It's a good thing that I am so responsible!" Pinkie said to herself as she ascended the stairs with the greatest of ease, her voluminous hair swaying gently with each step. In less than an instant, both little cakes were scooped up and placed neatly on her back. Two warm bottles awaited them in the kitchen.

"Pinkie, I still can't do diapers and story at the same time, get to the point. What went wrong?" Cup Cake said, reaching for the baby powder.

"Fine. I was feeding the babies when the bell chimed. I couldn't just stop, so I scooped up Pound in my hoof and sat Pumpkin on my head and trotted over to the counter."

"Seriously? What do we keep telling you about having the babies at the counter?"

"Um… not to?" Pinkie said with a sheepish grin.

"Never mind…" Cup Cake said with an exasperated sigh. "Continue."

"Well, it was this really tall, handsome, unicorn stallion. He had a clipboard and a name tag. He asked if you or Carrot were here."

"And you said?" Cup Cake prodded.

"I said… uh…" Pinkie stammered, the same sheepish grin still on her face. "The Cakes aren't here, can I interest you in a little pie?"

Cup sat on her hindquarters, rubbing her temples. Eyes closed she let out a long groan. "I'm gonna need an aspirin."

"You might need something a little stronger, it gets worse."

"How much worse?" Cup asked, never opening her eyes.

"I thought he would at least giggle or something, he just frowned and started scribbling something on the clipboard." Pinkie rubbed her foreleg, looking anywhere but at her visible upset boss. "That's when I figured he was probably here for business so I sat Pound Cake down on the counter. Thing was, he… uhh."

"Oh no. Please tell me he didn't."

Pinkie gave a nervous chuckle. "He did. It was full, and stinky, and all over the place as soon as he touched the counter."

"That is just one of the many reasons I keep saying 'no babies at the counter.' And why had you not changed him before that anyway?" Cup Cake got up, slowly walking towards the door she motioned for Pinkie to follow.

Raising up from her position on the floor next to the changing table Pinkie waved and blew a kiss at the two burbling, freshly changed foals, now lying in their crib. She followed Cup Cake out flicking the lights out behind her. She continued, "He must have done it while I was holding him. I guess I didn't notice 'cause of all the muscles on, wait, what was his name?" She furrowed her brow and after a moment's thought shouted "AHA! Hardtack! His name was Hardtack! I tried calling him Mister Handsome, but I don't think he liked that. He just kept scribbling on his papers."

"Pinkie, we need to have another talk about how we speak to customers," Cup Cake said, opening the door to the bathroom. Approaching the sink she opened the medicine shelf behind the mirror.

"Well, I had plenty of time to clean up the counter while he was writing," Pinkie Pie said from outside the bathroom as she straightened an errant picture frame.

"What happened after that? You did show him the kitchen, right?"

"He wasn't very happy about that either." Pinkie slowly started backing down the hallway.

"Why would the kitchen make him upset? I know for a fact that it was clean this morning. I even waxed the floors myself."

"Today's special."

"Come again?"

"Pumpkin Explosion."

"Ah, I can see where this is going," Cup Cake said with a sigh. Closing the medicine shelf without retrieving the aspirin, she turned and exited the bathroom. Motioning down the hall, the two began walking to the office slash baby playroom. "So I'm assuming he walked in on some sort of pumpkin and firecracker disaster."

"Not quite." Pinkie felt a familiar sheepish grin growing on her face. "Carrot told me that 'It should be like the flavor is literally exploding in your mouth.' I thought that meant that the cupcakes themselves were supposed to explode."

Cup Cake could feel her eye begin to twitch as she pushed open the office door. "In that case, I'm just glad nopony was hospitalized."

"Oh, the exploding ones never made it out of the oven. It's, uh, kinda hard to bake explosives." Pinkie followed Cup into the office. "By the way, the oven repairpony will be here around noon tomorrow."

Cup Cake reached into the top drawer of her desk and grabbed a small key. "You are of course aware that the bill will be coming out of your paycheck. As usual." She inserted the key into the small lock on the bottom drawer of her desk, with a slight turn the drawer popped open. "And then?"

"Hardtack wanted to see the storage. He was pretty impressed with your new shelving system… until…"

"Sigh." Cup Cake realized there was no point in being angry long ago. Now she was just tired. She reached into the now unlocked drawer and retrieved two shallow glasses and a large, rather fragrant, antique decanter.

"It was actually pretty neat. While we were turning around to leave I accidentally bumped into the large shelf. That knocked a glass off the top that smashed on the floor."

"Well you cleaned it up, right?" Cup said as she poured two glasses of what smelled like apple brandy. She pushed one across the table to Pinkie.

"Yeah, eventually." Pinkie raised her glass in a gesture of appreciation. Cup Cake mirrored the gesture and the two mares took a small sip. Pinkie shivered. "When it fell it hit a bucket. The bucket tipped over and rolled into the mop. Then that fell over onto the big shelf again, knocking over most of the other glasses and the big basket of eggs."

Cup Cake finished her drink. With a small giggle she filled her glass again and topped off Pinkie's. "You realize you aren't going to have a paycheck at this rate, don't you?"

"Yeah, well, that must have startled mister Hardtack, cause he backed up into the stack of folding tables we use for catering. A couple of those fell over and smashed into the ceiling light which smashed into a dazzling shower of tiny little sparks. It was really pretty."

"I'm guessing it didn't stop there. Am I right?"

Pinkie looked away. "It would have, but when the light broke we couldn't see anything and he bumped into the blender. I guess that's where the eggs from the basket fell 'cause, when it came on, there was a big crunching and splattering sound and Hardtack stumbled the other way. There was a loud bang and a flash bright enough to see he had fallen into my party cannon."

"I wonder if they would believe me if I told them that you didn't actually work here, you just wandered in off the street while we were out of town." Cup Cake's cheeks were starting to redden. The brandy had gone a long way to ease her nerves. Surely one more glass couldn't hurt.

Maybe just half a glass.

Pinkie continued. "I reached out to grab his shoulder and help him out of the room. It was pretty dark. REALLY dark." Her cheeks also darkened. "I might have… accidentally… grabbed his butt."

Full glass.

"I guess that isn't so bad, we can recover. This place is insured and a kitchen fire wouldn't be entirely out of the ordinary in a bakery," Cup Cake mused.

Pinkie giggled. "He might have another reason to expect a fire."

"Huh? I don't follow."

"Mister Hardtack was so busy looking into the storage room and writing on his clipboard that I decided to grab a broom to start cleaning it up. Also a washcloth; he was covered in eggs and confetti and didn't seem too happy about it." Pinkie took a long swig of her drink. "When I passed by the register, I saw Cheerilee leaving. She tossed something in the trash before she left, but I didn't think anything of it. I got the broom and headed back to the storage room. When I passed the register again I saw that Cheerilee had left her cigarettes on the table. She was already gone so I picked them up and carried them with me so I could give them to her later."

"Wait; she was smoking in the bakery? And you didn't (hic) tell her to leave?" Cup said with a hint of irritation.

"I didn't see it. I don't even know when she showed up. I did smell smoke, but that was probably because of the trash can."

"The trash can?"

"I'm getting to that. I had the broom and remembered there were paper towels in storage so I went back to Hardtack. He said we should just go to the freezer so that he could leave, so that's what we did."

"But what about the trash can?" Cup Cake insisted, anxiously.

"When we got to the freezer the door was open, I don't think he liked that either cause he started writing again. I looked inside and saw that Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo and Apple Bloom were in there. They had a bunch of frosting bags in a net hung from the ceiling, Apple Bloom was punching it and Scootaloo had a stopwatch, she was mumbling something about a kickboxing cutie mark. I don't think they quite knew what they were doing." Pinkie tapped a hoof to her chin, a slight smile forming.

"That's nice. Get to the trash can."

"I tried to tell Hardtack that the freezer wasn't ready but he pushed past me and walked in anyway. When he saw the girls he started writing again." Pinkie motioned in the air as if she were holding a paper and quill. "Sweetie Belle asked him what he was writing and he mumbled that anypony touching the food needs to have a hairnet."

"PINKIE! THE TRASH CAN! TELL ME NOW!"

"I'm right there, patience." Pinkie said, taking another sip of brandy. "Just then Apple Bloom stopped punching and said 'Hey… Y'all smell somethin' burning? Ya makin' more cupcakes Pinkie?' so I sniffed at the air and, sure enough, there was a burning smell. I ran back to the dining area and saw the trash can was on fire."

"WHY THE HAY WAS THE TRASH CAN ON FIRE???" Cup Cake yelled, causing Pinkie to stumble backwards.

Reclaiming herself, Pinkie continued. "I dunno exactly, I assume Cheerilee tossed her cigarette into it before it was out. Pretty sure mister Hardtack had a different theory though." She began rubbing the back of her neck. "He saw the pack in my mouth and, well, I guess two and two equal 'Pinkie Pie started a fire to get out of a bad inspection.' I tried to tell him that I was just holding them for a friend, but for some reason he didn't believe me."

Sinking down below the desk, Cup put her forelegs over her face. "Please tell me that's the end of it after you put out the fire."

"Almost. Sweetie Belle ran in and put it out with a fire extinguisher she had in her saddlebag. Not sure why she had it, but since it's those three, they probably go through fire extinguishers fairly regularly. Then they just ran out the door shouting 'Cutie Mark Crusader Fireponies!' That's when we got our last customer." A nervous smile came over Pinkies face.

"Let me guess, a chainsaw juggler? That grey pegasus that destroyed town hall with a cloud? Twilight Sparkle with another swarm of centipedes?"

"It was Matilda, she came for a bran muffin."

"That doesn't sound so bad. What happened next?"

Pinkie started backing away again. "Well, I got the muffin. Wrapped it up. Then I gave it to her. She paid, and…"

"And what?" Cup Cake asked, fearful of what the answer may be.

"Well… I dropped a few bits."

"Thats it? You shouldn't worry about dropping a few bits." Cup sighed, relief in her voice.

"It's more of how I dropped them then that I dropped them." Pinkie said, her shoulders drooping. "They landed right at Hardtack's hooves, I said 'Oops' but he looked really REALLY mad. He shouted something about bribery and having integrity. He ripped off a sheet of paper from his clipboard, it had a lot of writing and a big red letter F on it. Then he turned around to leave. I went to pick up the money I dropped and… well…"

Cup Cake was silent, her hooves still covering her face.

"I may have, somehow, accidentally… touched his butt again." Pinkie Pie's words came out as a squeak, almost as though they were trying to run away from her. "It's not all bad, I could swear I saw him crack a smile before he left. That's good right?"

Cup Cake took several deep breaths. Standing up, she cleared her throat, "I'll have to talk to Carrot about this, I'm sure we can appeal the grade, get a new inspection. In the mean time…" She motioned to the half empty decanter, "Another drink?"

The apple brandy was quickly drained as the two mares talked of different, lighter subjects. It had been nearly an hour but they were beginning to laugh and joke, pausing only once when Pound and Pumpkin woke up needing to be fed.

"Hey Cuppy, you never told me why Carrot didn't come home with you," Pinkie slurred.

"Ish no big deal, shomthin 'bout ordering sprinkles an' icing. Also shum new cookbook at Inkwell's Books."

A knock at the door startled the two. As quickly as their wobbly legs would allow, they descended the stairs and huddled at the door. Pinkie squinted through the peephole.

"Sweet Celestia Cup Cake, you aren't going to believe this. It's mister handsome!" Pinkie attempted to whisper. She failed.

"I'd better get it then," Cup Cake said, shooing Pinkie into the next room. Putting on her best "sober" face she ran her hoof through her hair, stood straight and turned the knob.

The hinges groaned as she pulled the door open. There on the other side stood a very tall, very handsome, unicorn stallion.

"Hello there, you must be mister Hardtack, Pinkie told me all about the unfortunate events earlier. I'm Missus Cup Cake, the owner."

"Nice to meet you Mrs. Cake. I was just on my way home and I thought I might stop in for a little pie."