Lazarus

by DarkfireSpawns

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Luna, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Adventure, Sex, Gore, Princess Celestia, Dark, Nightmare Moon
Length: 2723

If you're here for a warm and heartfelt tale then I'm gonna have to disappoint you because I get the feeling this will probably be a guilt speech for everything that I've done in my life. Did I mention the murder? No? Then I'll st

If you're here for a warm and heartfelt tale then I'm gonna have to disappoint you because I get the feeling this will probably be a guilt speech for everything that I've done in my life. Did I mention the murder? No? Then I'll start with that. Being a new face in a new wondrous land can be a scary thing for a young stallion. I'm reading this off a brochure by the way, never believed in all that tourist schlock to be honest. This lovely piece of paper also failed to mention that there are guards in this place that charge you for murder within seconds of crossing the border. It pretty much goes downhill from here as I start dealing with things like the corrupted government of Equestria, the reincarnated, and surprisingly hot, dark side of a princess, train robbers, assassins and pirates. It leads me to wonder at some points how I managed to survive something like this. Oh yeah and there's something about some ancient plot about needing the blood of a queen and the blood of a half-breed to resurrect some bad guy named Lazarus... I think ninja are in here somewhere too, maybe. No promises though.

Published 2014-01-06 20:00:05 UTC
Last updated 2014-01-06 20:00:05 UTC

Shape up, Ship out

Lazarus

Chapter 1: Shape up, Ship out

Written by Darkfirespawns

"Forward into the new day." the old stallion sitting across from me panted loudly, his old grey eyes looking morosely down at the floor. I looked up at him, cracking open my chapped lips to speak.

"Never look back into yesterday." I spoke in kind. He looked up at me before giving me a tired smile.

"What's your story young man?" he asked, his voice barely audible over the howling icy wind.

"Mum said I could've been a king, so I kicked up a rebellion and tried to take over," I answered "Didn't go as I planned." The old man obviously wasn't expecting a reply like that, this shown by his surprised expression.

"You tried to defeat the Queen's army in combat?" he asked slowly.

"Yeah, I tried to defeat them in cards once," I nodded "It didn't go so well." It was at this point the stallion understood I was joking and he chuckled with an amused expression.

"You've got quite a lot of spirit for somepony in this situation." he pointed out, nodding at the other refugees that were sitting, or lying, down with their supplies they managed to scrape together before the mass eviction was put into effect and those who were not native to Elysium removed or purged from the country by the Queen's soldiers. I laughed quietly, looking up at the thatched roof of the carriage we rode in with bright eyes.

"I dunno where I get it from to be honest, I figure I'm just an optimist." I answered, my hoof sticking out from underneath the blanket I had wrapped around myself. Several sets of eyes fell onto my coat, a dark grey piece of clothing with thick cuffs and black lining wrapped around my wrist, and I received several suspicious glares.

"Tell me kid...," a rough voice asked. I looked up to see one of the soldiers in service to the Queen walking over to me. The stallion in question stood a head taller than myself and had the appearance of a walking piece of muscle. I could tell from the way that he slurred his words he wasn't too intelligent and I hoped I could take advantage of this. He wore the usual green, serpentine armor that the cannon fodder regiments, as I called them, wore. The helmet was a snake's head with glass fangs covering his eyes with the body being a thick set of rib-like bars coated with dirty green chain-mail that was coated with ice from the freezing temperatures. The shin guards were simple boots with scale armor patterns on them that were worn down and jaded from use. I tried to ignore him and tuck my arm back into my blanket but I had a feeling it was too late. There were whispers of worry coming from the others on the carriage as he walked towards me, my eyes darting back and forth between them. I knew that if this turned ugly I couldn't count on any of them for support. So I started thinking of an escape plan:

Analysis: Target ready and willing to engage combat.
Combat skill: Basic training in hoof-to-hoof and basic weapons handling, armor suggests no special abilities or talents that need caution.
Weapon: Basic bladed pike made from unrefined steel. Unable to use to full extent due to lack of space.
Surrounding area: Small cart of one by seven meters, low ceiling but large windows for easy retreat.
Threat level: Low, standard weapons and equipment with basic combat skill. Slight caution when dealing with pike but should not pose a threat.
Best solution: Neutralize target and escape into snowy landscape.

"Why does a refugee like you have a coat that belongs to one of our Special Operatives?" the soldier asked, yanking the blanket off me and revealing the clothing I was wearing. I had a long sleeved, black and cashmere sweater on with a tail length dark grey duster marked with a serpentine S on the back. I had a pair of combat pants covering my back legs and a large black bandolier tied from my right shoulder to my left hip. I had a small satchel over my left shoulder that rested against my right hip that was filled with all my necessities and, as of right now, what was most important: a map of the wilderness. He grabbed me by the chest before pushing me up against the railings of the carriage, his strong hoof placed at my back. The bystanders, or bysitters in this situation, watched in silence as he kept his grip on the back of my coat with an icy glare in his green eyes.

"Answer me dammit!" he roared.

"Trick or treat?" I asked with a large grin.

"Oh, do you think you're funny?" he asked, grabbing hold of his pike at a different angle and lifting it off the ground for a killing blow.

"I wouldn't say funny as much as I would 'cheerfully annoying.'" I shrugged, kicking out with my back leg. My hoof came into contact with his testicles and he released his hold on me immediately. I swung around and elbowed him in the face with all of my strength, his jaw cracking loudly as he spun to the floor. I dropped back onto my hooves and grabbed my grey fedora off the floor and placed it on my head.

"Next time I'd suggest protecting your iron knockers..." I winked "With a pair of... well, iron knockers of armor." With that terrible joke I leapt out of the carriage and seven foot down into the snow. I landed awkwardly on my ankle and after a painful twist I dropped to the floor and ended up swallowing a glassful of snow. Well you can't really blame me- the tango was always my thing, not the twist. After my amazing escape that they would discuss for the ages of ten minutes I set off at a hobbling sprint through the snow that was up to my shins. If you want a mental image of what that looked like then try to imagine a horse with rickets doing a three foot hop through jelly. It involves a lot of face-planting and snow-muffled cursing. After making it out of trouble I ran directly into- guess what?- more trouble! I heard them before I saw them and they smelled me before I heard them.

"Bears..." I sighed, letting out a terrified little giggle as I saw three, twelve foot bears bound towards me in the snow. At this point I didn't even need to analyse the situation because if I waited a second I'd be introduced to Bare-Paw Fu and would swiftly become Bear-Paw Food. With my graceful rickets sprint I made it into a small outcropping of trees, fir trees by the way... I take in a lot of details when I'm about to die FYI. I could feel the breath of one of the bears' on my tail as he snapped hungrily at me, being several inches short of giving me a tail cut.

"Look man -bear- whatever, I don't even taste that good!" I yelled back at the bear "Just ask any one of the mares I've spent the night with, I have this disgusting salty taste when you swallow!" I know that then wasn't really the time to be cracking wise but I was about to die and I made it a personal mission to deliver a blowjob joke before I died. It was a shit one mind you but I can still cross it off my bucket list. Making an extremely stupid decision I threw myself forward into a long roll off to the right side and the large bear ran straight into one of the fir trees. The bear slammed head first into the tree, blood from its nose splattering onto the frosted bark, with the snow chunks plummeting down off the pine bristles and burying the bear completely. One down, two to go. Now I just needed to play Frogger with these bears for a few minutes before I could get the others to knock themselves out. I had already begun figuring out a plan to incapacitate the bears without getting hit myself before something interrupted my ideas. Its called an arrow. Those pointy things that when combined with a bow make some people look like bad-assess but when you use it, it makes make you look like an utter twat. Yeah, those things. It shot straight past my head and embedded itself into the skull of the bear. The creature fell to the snowy ground with a loud crunch as it broke through the snow. Some psychotic part of me brought out a laugh as I saw the bear's tongue hanging out of its mouth. A second later I stopped laughing and looked off into nowhere with a horrified expression.

"Oh my god..." I said with a hint of worry "I am an enormous twat." If you couldn't guess yet I really do like that word -twat-. I was once again distracted from my extremely important inner monologue as a second arrow pierced the side of the last bear's neck, a brutal wheezing sound escaping from the bear's throat. Its like the noise Granddad makes when he chokes on a turkey leg at Christmas dinner, you all laugh for a few seconds, but then start shitting yourself when you realize it isn't a joke and he's about to die... then he does. Yup, hate it when that happens.

"For fuck's sake man!" I screamed at myself furiously "Concentrate!" I had my eyes scanning the landscape for the direction the arrow had come from, seeing that it was lodged into the bear's neck from a southern direction so the arrow came from behind me. I turned around as soon as I heard the snow crunch behind. I acted on instinct and brought up my right arm and blocked the swinging attack of the archer's hoof. I pushed their arm down to the side and they tucked their hind legs closer together, using their stance to spin around at a much faster pace with a knife attached to their leather bracer. I ducked under the attack and slammed my hoof into their nose, causing them to stumble back with a high pitched cry. I did not see them get hit in the balls by anything on their approach and their armor didn't seem to grip that tight so I must've been fighting a skinny version of Joe Pesci. A very skinny... Joe Pesci. A Joe Pesci with a slim figure, with great curves, large hips and a sleek frame. As they came towards me again I grabbed hold of their arm and twisted it to an awkward angle before stepping forward and kneeing them in the stomach. I shifted my weight forward and angled them towards the floor. As we both landed on the snow I pinned them down to the ground and pulled off the leather mask they wore. Revealing a white mare with gorgeous green eyes and a matted red mane tied up behind her head.

"Oh thank fuck," I said with a happy grin "I am not gay for finding you attractive." The mare immediately stopped struggling and looked up at me with an extremely bewildered expression.

"What?" she asked in an annoyed tone.

"Sorry..." I said, blinking blankly "Thinking aloud again." Knowing that she wasn't exactly the friendliest of ponies I pulled the knife-equipped bracer from her wrist and threw it aside.

"So, are you going to tell me why you tried to kill me?" I asked in a simple tone. I was never friendly with those who tried to off me. Nothing personal really, just a culture thing.

"You're trespassing on my people's land." she growled angrily. I looked up at the barren surroundings of nothing but snow and rocks mixed in with pine trees and fir trees.

"Mmmm, yes, look at all of this property I'm invading," I stated with a blank nod "Look at all the invisible children practically begging me to leave this glorious settlement."

"Are you mocking me?" she asked in disbelief.

"You noticed then?" I asked with a cocked eyebrow "You're a sharp one I tell you."

"Ugh, typical stallion." she harrumphed, rolling her eyes.

"Excuse me?" I asked, my turn to be surprised this time around.

"You heard," she snapped "Typical stallion." The way she spat that last sentence at me brought me back to my primary school days where the biggest insult we could think of was 'you play footie like a girl'. I actually laughed aloud at this point and probably gave the impression that I was insane. Then again she had just seen me be chased through the woods by three hungry bears, nailed two of them with arrows and then had me proclaim my heterosexuality to the heavens while straddling her like a carnival ride. Did I mention I had an IQ of above seventy five? I swear on my life I do.

"Is... is there something wrong with you?" she asked, seemingly unable to take me seriously.

"Why did you try to kill me?" I asked with a want to get to the bottom of my gorgeous little mystery.

"Trying." she said in a matter-of-fact voice.

"No you're not." I said, giving her a puzzled look. She looked forward with a cheeky grin before she used a surprising amount of back legs strength to flip herself head over tail and throw me onto my back. She kicked her hooves together and two blades sprung out of her boots. Once I was down she pushed forward onto her front hooves before rounding off and landing heavily on my gut, winding me. She cocked back her hoof to punch me in the face before I managed to blurt out something random.

"No, no, no don't do that, you'll give me an erection!" I yelled, my eyes locked onto her body as she was sitting on me. This obviously threw her off entirely as a look of utter disgust graced her face, her arm slackening before punching me. I winked slyly at her before tucking my lower half up in a crunch and rolled back onto my shoulders, throwing her down to the floor underneath me. I pressed my wrist against her throat and applied pressure to make sure that she wasn't going to try anything again. Our eyes locked for a long second as we both remained completely still, panting slightly.

"Get off me." she growled.

"You know, for somepony as sweet looking as yourself you really do have a nasty attitude." I commented, glancing around for where my hat had fallen in the struggle.

"Only to people like you." she spat.

"Like me?" I asked "What do you mean by that?"

"Misogynistic, stuck up, pig-headed men." she hissed through clenched teeth with an extremely aggressive look.

"Oh goody..." I sighed, giving her a very bemused look "What gave you that opinion?"

"It is the way my tribe teaches us." she answered. This was at the point I slapped my hoof to my face and growled angrily.

"Joy!" I exclaimed in such a mocking tone "If there's one thing I hate more than preachers it's the flock that believes every damn thing they say." I had a feeling that our argument would've continued for a few more hour-days- if there hadn't been an interruption from the west. There was the blaring sound of a war-horn followed by several smaller horn blasts. Our heads both shot in the direction of the sounds and my fine friend seemed to have a stronger reaction than I did.

"My village!" she said, nearly screamed. I was going to ask what was going on before she kicked me in the groin and pushed me off her. I fell face first into the snow with a very effeminate whimper before she darted away. Well, if I hadn't had to swallow my balls back down I would've been able to keep pace with her but after a few seconds I was once again rickets running after her to find out what she was screaming about.

"Shape up, ship out" I grunted in pain.