Jokes and Masks

As the vigilantes strode through Ponyville streets, lit by the golden light of a pink-yellow afternoon sky stretching above them, the wooden cart dragging back against the Comedian as he trotted forward - it was decided that Rorschach had done enough pulling, the Comedian agreeing to pull the cart for the rest of the route with some reluctance - and Trixie now curled up in a ball inside her cart - "The Great and Powerful Trixie doesn't feel well," she said - the vigilantes-turned-ponies found surprises every corner they turned.

Apart from the fact that inhabitants of the town were not humans but instead absurdly colorful horses - the vigilantes noticed something unfamiliar; strange, about the townspeople - in the ponies' unnaturally large eyes was… a shine, a gleam, perhaps, of something rarely seen in the now-destroyed New York, because among those many faces of New York, of men and women, there was always one thing the vigilantes saw in common - what was normal, what was regular - and that was the essence of corruption, lust, and greed - behind every face, every mask in New York, some sort of evil was hiding... but that evil didn't exist here, and neither vigilante could point out what existed in place.

Lively chatter of unicorns, pegasi, and Earth ponies streamed through the air, some conversing in leisure, many talking together while they were working; the laughter and giggles of foals playing together rang down the streets of Ponyville. Some of the ponies gave the vigilantes' costumes strange glances, but they were far from unfriendly, and nowhere as bad as the vitriol they received from the inhabitants of New York City during the police strike protests or the violence and hate they received for their - some would say brutal, maybe, merciless - methods of dealing with their city's crime.

To Rorschach, the work of dealing with crime was... well, work. Nobody liked what you did and everybody hated you for doing it, but at the same time it was a job that had to be done, for the sake of justice. Wake up in the morning. Buy and eat your three meals. Put on your face. Go on your patrol routes and kill criminals, or at least break their arms in half to make sure they get the point that they weren't supposed to be doing whatever they were doing. To the Comedian... it was just fun. It was an excuse to kill people, and an excuse to kill people in the most hilarious, cheesy, yet painful ways his mind could conceive.

It was for these reasons that the two harbored slight enmity between each other; Rorschach didn't like the Comedian's "wanton violence" - "Heh, look at the pot callin' the kettle black," Blake would retort- and the Comedian didn't like how Rorschach took his job so seriously, especially when in the end all his actions would be for nothing, only killing a few hundred criminals in a world of millions... then dying, as all do, and dying as all vigilantes died - violently. That wasn't to say they didn't share a partnership. The two shared a special bond in their ways of vigilantism, and both of them felt a kinship with each other with their real understanding of the real world, unlike that of the other vigilantes' - even despite their different interpretations of that understanding.

They turned into a square enclosed by a ring of wooden merchant stands, red-and-white-striped awnings stretched over each stand, crowds of colorful ponies standing below, haggling with the purveyors over the price of an apple or a little silver trinket, their bargaining voices forming a bustling buzz around the marketplace. The Comedian curiously watched a blue aura appear around a cyan unicorn's horn and another around a few stalks of celery hovering in the air… levitation? No… yes… It's levitation. Like, actual levitation.

She carefully floated her recently-earned prizes - a few stalks of celery - over her head and into a canvas bag that hung by her side. The concept of levitation wasn't entirely foreign to the Comedian, but he'd never seen anybody but Doctor Manhattan do it for real until today.

"Shit, Rorschach, didya see that? That one just walked right up ta us... said 'afternoon'..." the Comedian said.

"Don't like this place. Suspicious," Rorschach said.

"...well, whaddya mean by that?"

"Know these places. Looks friendly, harmless, innocuous on the surface... but in my experience? As soon as you start dissecting it with a knife... all filth and guts on inside start showing."

"...that's a hell of a conclusion ta jump to, Rory. I mean, I served in the Vietnam War for twelve years, an' I can tell ya there's some fucked up shit on Earth... but we're on a different planet now, y'know. Different societies-"

"It's not a conclusion. Simply suggesting possibility."

"Afternoon!" an orange mare waved a hoof at Rorschach, a brown Stetson tipped over her head and a ponytail - heh - of blonde hair dangling out of it.

"..." Rorschach was caught off-guard. n all his years of vigilantism, Rorschach couldn't remember the last time he'd received a greeting - a gesture of friendliness - from a New York civilian.

"Erm... Nice ta meet ya!" the mare said.

"..."

"Ahem... Haven't seen ya in town before. Welcome ta Ponyville!" the mare extended a hoof. Rorschach reluctantly lent his as well.

"Hrrmm- HurMF!" The orange hoof's grip wrapped around his, and it began to shake it up and down vigorously, as though the mare were using all the strength in her arm she could muster. Rorschach immediately pulled his hoof away from hers. "...Hurm..."

"Eheheh…" she sheepishly chucked, "sorry 'bout that. Well, the name's Applejack. Pleased ta meet ya."

"..."

"Er, nice weather our; how's yer day goin'?" she asked, trotting up next to the trench coat, a pleasant smile on her face (her nose wrinkling slightly at Rorschach's foul smell).

"Currently on way to hospital."

"Ah."

"Know quickest way there?" he asked.

"Aw, sure! Just head past Davenport's Quills n' Sofas down... that there street," she said, pointing her hoof off to his left at a little thatch-roofed shop, a sign with a quill and a sofa hanging above its door as they approached an intersection, "it'll take you straight ta Ponyville Hospital-"

Rorschach veered off to the left with an agitated grunt; he did not seem to express any intention of talking with the mare. The Comedian turned as abruptly as Rorschach in quick succession, the cart wheels skidding on the ground, kicking up dirt. A muffled yelp (whose voice seemed quite familiar to Applejack for some reason, but she couldn't exactly point it out) could be heard from inside.

"Huh. That was kinda rude. Eh. Probably was the hoofshake. But he didn't even tell me his name. Wonder what he was all hushed up 'bout."

Rorschach moved at a brisk, agitated trot down the rest of the lane, not stopping at the merchant's calls towards him as display cases and canvas-roofed stalls raced past.

Need to get out of here. Place too strange. Too... friendly. Too innocent. Suspicious. There has to be something behind this. Some sort of trick. An act, maybe? Possible. Rorschach left with this in his mind, and as he trotted, streets of cobblestone soon gave way to dirt path, and the merchant stalls gave way to lines of trees once more - they were in a forest again - the outskirts of the city.

"...Pffffft… Eheheheh…" the Comedian burst out, chuckling, "...eheheh… I love the way ya just… pfft… ignored everythin' she said… Ehhh..." Rorschach gave Blake a strange glance, and slowly, the Comedian's deep, breathy laughter fell beneath Rorschach's now somewhat unsteady hoofsteps and the sounds of the cart's wooden wheels, making a steady rikkity-rikkity noise.

"Ahem. Alright, so here's the deal, magician. We get ya to the hospital so you can get proper medical attention. Then ya take us to the unicorn... Twilight Twinkle or somethin'."

A rustle of cloth and wooden bumps could be heard inside the cart. Trixie leaned her bruised head out of the cart and nodded lethargically.

" Ah... Ya gonna handle the medical bills?"

"Huh?... Ponyville Hospital's government-funded," she stated drowsily.

"Ah."

"Why did you bash Trixie over the head..." she asked.

"'Cuz you were gettin' annoyin'."

"WHAT?!"

"I didn't like your voice. It's just really annoyin'."

"Sure, maybe you dislike the sound of the Great and Powerful Trixie's voice - you're- but you don't just knock a pony out for that!" Trixie yelled indignantly.

"...I don't see the problem here. Look, Trixie, I done plenty 'a worse things in my life for no reason at all. We both done plenty 'a bad things. Consider yourself lucky that you're not dead yet."

"You don't see a problem… with…"

"Yep. Like I said, done plenty of worse things in my life."

"...Like… what?" Trixie asked, her voice hesitating as she doubted whether she really wanted to know.

"Let's see," Oh, time ta have a little fun here. These ponies must be so unaccustomed ta violence... heh. "killed a 'couple a kids an' all kinds 'a others, bashed more skulls in, broke more legs than you can count, killed a few prisoners-of-war on a bet..." he grinned at the horrified expression he saw on the blue mare's face.

"...I really hope you're joking. Who the hay raised you?! Even Trixie can't think of something like that, and she's spent a year hiding in the dumps of Canterlot!"

"Nobody."

"Oh." Trixie hung her head in guilt for a moment, "but that still doesn't... you're joking, right?"

Well, actually, that was kinda screwed up ta say to a civilian. "I am," he said. He wasn't.

"So… Trixie…"

The traveling magician leaned her head out of the cart's window once more.

"pehehe… So... shit, I think I've gone delirious, so much random shit goin' on... so, anyways… why were ya hiding inside that cart? I noticed… you got all quiet all of a sudden once we got in town…"

"Oh. Eheheh... well... erm... uh... let's just say that the Great and Powerful Trixie isn't on the best of terms with Ponyville right now."

"Huh," the Comedian nodded, seemingly understandingly (though the blue unicorn couldn't determine if this was just a ruse to get her to say more), "..."

"She doesn't want to talk about it," she said.

"...Hm. 'Kay then. Uh, just wanna know, why do you always talk in the third person?"

"Oh," Trixie said, "well, I can talk in the first person if I feel like it... hm... It's a habit the Great and Powerful Trixie picked up when she was just a filly, just starting to do her magic show," she waved her hoof, relieved that she could get outside of that other subject rather quickly. The Comedian nodded, and she began to hang her head out of the window lazily, staring into the distance. Her head suddenly perked up.

"...You're really not from around here, are you?" she said.

"...Well, whaddya think?"

"Your name, the way you react to ponies, the fact you don't seem to know anything about Equestria at all, the fact you want to find a method of space travel..." Trixie's eyes widened at her own revelation.

"Yeah..." the Comedian sighed, "fine. Yeah. We're not from here. We're... actually from a different planet, we'll say... to you..."

"Aliens?"

"Yep. That's funny… When I was a kid, I always thought of aliens like the weird little green men from the comics... but I never thought I'd ever be called an alien myself," he looked up thoughtfully.

"Men?" she asked, skeptically.

"Oh... right... see... damn, I'm still tryin' ta figure it all out... before we came here, we were humans - men, about twice the height of ponies, stood on only two legs, with arms... and hands... Hehe, I miss those..."

Trixie tried as hard as she could to visualize such a creature. She'd heard of similar things from the slightly-crazy Lyra Heartstrings (or everyone thought so), as well as a few rumors going around entailing the - now Princess - Twilight Sparkle. "You're not joking?"

"No, but I ain't thinkin' you'd believe me." The Comedian said this, but nothing more - both turned away and kept to themselves for the rest of the trip.

Eventually, after plenty of walking, the three found themselves in front of a tall, stately structure sitting in the middle of the forest for no apparent reason - "Like somebody had decided to build a hospital and airdrop into a clearing that vaguely looked like the proper size and make a path to it from Ponyville," the Comedian thought.

The dirt path before them wound and twisted around a white sign bearing the design of an ornate white cross against a red circle, leading up to the entrance of the building - a small, unassuming green door beneath a wooden awning. The building itself was mostly like the other houses of Ponyville - plaster walls and wood frame interspersed by a few tall glass windows - excepting the building's greater size and the fact that this building was not thatch-roofed like those in Ponyville, but instead wooden shingles composed the roof.

Inside the hospital, however, was a much different story. As the pony doctors quickly wheeled Trixie on a gurney into a room without any fuss but with only a quick nod to the two and a strange glance at the Comedian in particular, Rorschach and Blake found themselves sitting on blue plastic chairs on metal legs, across from a forest-green pony slumped in another chair, snoring. The tall room was rather stark compared to the outside. A pale green-checkered floor sat beneath them, and faintly-turquoise drywall stretched all around them. "Strange color scheme," Rorschach remarked. The only things that broke the lack of decoration were a simple clock, marking the seconds with ticks as they passed by, a glass window revealing little more than the dirt path and the sun above it, and a squat glass table with newspapers and magazines sitting in the center. "Almost like every other hospital. Jewish medical institutions. Frauds."

"Hey," the Comedian said, getting up on all fours and tapping the sleeping pony on the shoulder.

"zzzzz..." the pony kept on snoring.

"...Right, well, guess it's just you and me, Rorschach," he said, returning to his seat.

"Hurmf."

"So, tell me more 'bout how ya got here?"

Rorschach looked up in recollection. "...Veidt was running operations from Karnak," The Comedian gave him a questioning look, "his base in Antarctica. When we arrived..." Rorschach shook his head, "...already too late. Thirty-five minutes too late. Veidt had already triggered it. All this time, the 'energy' program he had been working on with Manhattan?"

Blake nodded. "That is what it really was. He showed us... he thought it had created world peace... all the world was teaming against Manhattan... but what is the purpose if it is all a lie? But all the others, Dan, Silk, Manhattan, in their weakness, softness, gave in and chose to keep quiet... I chose to tell truth to public... keep them from living a horrible lie for rest of history, and I would have," his gravelly, monotone voice became saturated with anger, "if it were not for Manhattan."

The Comedian nodded thoughtfully; he reached for a cigar and lighter in his leather vest, but found none, to his dismay. "Y' know what, Rorschach? If and when we get back ta Earth... I'll let ya have the pleasure of stranglin' Veidt. And we'll find a way ta kill Manhattan."

Rorschach did not reply.

"But while we're here... I guess we better start makin' a plan," the Comedian said.

"Hrmph."

"What I'm thinkin' is... we find this 'Twilight Twinkle' guy, maybe see if he... or she... can help us with this gettin' back ta Earth thing. And if we can't... I don't know. S'pose we could get some jobs here... or... ya wanna do some old-fashioned underground crimebustin'? Before all that government Vietnam War shit I got wrapped up in... Find a city, start bashin' in criminal skulls and shootin' guys beneath government radar… Just for ol' times sakes?"

"We will get back to Earth. Veidt needs punishment."

"Yeah, 'course, but ya'd think Manhattan'd send us somewhere where we couldn't interfere; I'm starting ta doubt we'd be able ta get back really… we really oughta be makin' plans ta stay here. That's why I'm thinkin', we got the skills, we could make a livin' for our own doin' some of that underground crimebustin' stuff ya used to…"

"Your weapons are too loud."

"Oh, c'mon, Rorschach, you know 'bout the punches I throw. I can work without my guns."

"You're still too loud."

"Look, Rory, just because I always come inta places guns blazin' an' all, doesn't mean I ain't capable of bein' stealthy sometimes."

"You lack experience in the matter. Your only experience comes from street brawls, gang fights, and wars. And only two assassinations. One of them wasn't even quiet. It's no mystery you killed Woodward & Bernstein."

"Heh… yeah, guess there's some room for learning… Y'know, I seen the way ya take your salary off those thugs... man, heh, that's pretty creative. Hey... ya got your journal with ya?"

"No. Left it on Earth, in hopes truth will get out. But I fear it may not be able to."

"Mm."

Slowly, the hours went by, and the Comedian and Rorschach began to grow tired of exchanging glances and stares with each other and trying to get the sleeping pony at the other end of the room to wake up and start a conversation. Sure, they could wait for days on end if it was needed, but when there's something else to do... the Comedian reached his hoof out and seized a newspaper from the glass table. "American newspaper's always been bullshit ever since the beginning of the Cold War," he said as he unfurled the newspaper, "this'll be a nice break…" He took a brief glance over it, his eyes quickly taking in bold-lettered headlines.

THE FOAL FREE PRESS - Ponyville's #1 Source Of News!

Jesus Christ, what have I picked up... is everything here a coincidental pun?

CANTERLOT, MANEHATTEN CRIME RATE ON STEEP INCREASE

Heh. We can help with that. Just give me a baseball bat and give Rorschach... well, anything, really - that guy's really resourceful, even if he's slightly insane - hell, I bet he could turn a pillow into a deadly weapon if that was all he could use in a fight. Throw us in front of a couple of thugs, murderers. Watch 'em all drop dead.

LONGTIME WORLD APPLEBUCKING CHAMPION SETS NEW RECORD

…What the hell is applebucking?

PONYVILLE FASHION THROUGH THE-

No.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE CROWNED NEW PRINCESS, SOLVES EVERFREE MYSTERY

The Comedian blinked.

Isn't that the unicorn Trixie said could help us get back ta Earth? She's a princess now?

He began reading the smaller font below. "Ey, Rorschach. Y' know 'bout that gettin' back ta Earth thing? Guess we're goin' ta see a Princess Twilight Sparkle right after Trixie's outta here." He flopped the newspaper back down on the table before him.

He heard the approaching sound of footsteps- hoofsteps from the hallway outside the waiting room. Into the room stepped the familiar azure unicorn, now wrapped in clean white gauze rather than olive military bandages.

"How'd it go?" Blake asked.

"Cuts, minor lacerations, wounds, scratches, but nothing modern healing magic couldn't alleviate. The doctors said you did a pretty good job fixing Trixie up out there in the forest."

"Modern healing magic?" Rorschach asked in curiosity.

"Yep! Unicorn healing magic's gotten much better in the past few decades; we've been able to treat diseases and fix up wounds much better than we've used to- oh, that's right... you probably don't know very much about magic...?"

"Not much."

"Well, just sit right here, and the Great and All-Knowledgeable Trixie shall enlighten you," Trixie began, feeling a bit like Princess Twilight Sparkle herself as she recalled all that she eagerly learned about magic from her filly days, "all ponies are able to absorb the energy of this 'field' that surrounds Equestria - a magic field -" Pink magic began to glow around Trixie's horn, and a chalkboard appeared behind her; she levitated a piece of chalk and started writing on the board - "and use it in different ways. See, this is where we can start talking about races. Earth ponies like you" (she put her hoof out at a rough drawing of an Earth pony appearing on the chalkboard) "passively absorb magic from the field into their body-"

"I'm not actually an 'Earth pony'..." Rorschach interrupted.

"Let me guess... Pegasus?"

"...yes."

The Comedian stifled a chuckle.

"Right. Anyways. Their bodies use it to improve bodily functions - Earth ponies have greatly increased strength, stamina, metabolism, reflex speed, are able to handle toxins better, et cetera. Some Earth ponies are also able to channel their magic into improving the skill of growing plants. This is why many heavy laborers and farmers are Earth ponies.

Pegasi - and the less common batponies - passively absorb magic from the field as well, except their bodies tend to channel most of it into their wings - though some is used on their bodies to give them protection against the effects of air resistance, giving them heavily increased agility and the ability to reach supersonic, and in one recorded instance - faster than light speeds,"

The Comedian raised an eyebrow at this - "You mean pegasi can travel fast enough ta time travel?" He'd heard concepts for FTL travel from Veidt before, but never seen it put into practice by anyone except Doctor Manhattan.

"Yes. But it's only happened once, with a pony named Swift Star. See, he was a medical anomaly - his body redirected all magic he absorbed into his wings - and a chromosome abnormality from his mother's overexposure to chaos magic caused his body to absorb magic at a rate twice the rate of other ponies... and caused his body to be twice as fragile as other ponies'. This allowed him to fly at ridiculous speeds, but it had an... inversely proportional effect on his well-being, and when he decided to fly faster than light and travel through time... well, let us say cleanup wasn't pretty. Anyways, there aren't any pegasi like that anymore in Equestria, since the god of chaos - Discord - has been defeated. Twilight Sparkle - the alicorn you want to see - played an important part in his defeat, and is actually turning out to play an important part in current history. Those who work in delivery and communications services tend to be pegasi.

Now, as for unicorns like the Great and Powerful Trixie herself - well, this is where it gets interesting. Unicorns have the unique ability to gather magic both passively and voluntarily, and channel it through their horns for just about any use you can think of - but, of course, magic technology hasn't advanced far enough to even come close to allowing ponies to mimic the abilities of Earth ponies and pegasi. Most unicorns are capable of doing basic levitation spells, and anything that relates to their talents - a unicorn with baking as a talent may learn a spell that allows him/her to instantly combine ingredients into a fully-baked pie, et cetera. Now, with those who were like Twilight Sparkle who used to be a unicorn - but Trixie found out she's recently become an alicorn now - Twilight's talent is magic... hehe, she's capable of about anything you can think of. Teleportation, transmutation, time travel... the list goes on and on."

"The mark on your... flank," Blake asked, making sure he'd found the right word, "...does it have something to do with your talent?"

"Yes, that's... Trixie's cutie mark. Ponies get them when they discover their special talent."

"...cutie mark... Right."

"...And there are alicorns - royalty, and, to some, deities, which have the abilities of all three races. There are currently only four known alicorns in existence - Princess Celestia - Princess of the Sun, Princess Luna - Princess of the Moon, Princess Cadence - Princess of Love, and Princess Twilight Sparkle - the newest one - the Princess of Friendship and Magic."

"Wow... Trixie… I knew you could put on a good show on a dime, but… I didn't know you could break into my style of mini-lecture on magic just like that!" a familiar voice said. Trixie's eyes shot wide open. She turned towards the voice.

"...Pr-Princess Twilight?"

"That's who you're looking at. Rainbow Dash got into one of her crashes again, so I came here to check up on her. She's still hooked on Daring Doo books, hehe. I'm surprised to see you here, really," the lavender alicorn replied, wings furled at her side. She did not like wearing her crown or her royal dress at non-formal occasions, and so often kept them at her library.

"You're… not going to arrest Trixie?"

"Ehhh what?"

"You know, with the Alicorn Amulet thing…"

"Oh, that? Pretty much everypony in Ponyville's forgotten about that."

"Wait, so Celestia and the Equestrian Guard are off The Great and Powerful Trixie's tail?"

"Actually, no, but I bet I can make some arrangements for you - a royal arrangement, from Princess Twilight herself, hehe…"

"Oh… um… I don't know what to say, hehe… that's, um, very nice of you, Twilight..." Trixie stuttered, for a moment losing her characteristic third-person speech in abashedness at Twilight's offer.

"Say, what are these... two doing here?" Twilight asked, examining the vigilantes' eccentric costumes with a strange look on her face.

"Oh. Um. Twilight, meet Rorschach and the Comedian. Rorschach, Comedian, meet Princess Twilight Sparkle. Smartest pony Trixie knows - possibly the smartest pony in Equestria, even smarter than the Great and Powerful Trixie herself, maybe, hehe. If anypony can help you with your problem and it's not Trixie, it's her."

The Comedian extended a hoof; Twilight shook it. "Pleasure ta meet ya, Princess."

"The pleasure is mine. I haven't seen you around town before, so, welcome," Twilight said.

"Thank you."

"and Trixie, why are you here? Haven't seen you around Ponyville for a while…" Twilight eyed the white gauze wrapped around Trixie's limbs, "...Jeez, what happened?"

"Trixie had a little run-in with some timber wolves; got out with some pretty dangerous wounds, but luckily these two happened to be around." Trixie gestured to the vigilantes as Twilight nodded. "Trixie's here, alive, because of them, but they want to know something..." Trixie continued, Twilight raising her head in interest, "They say they're from a different planet," Trixie said. Twilight tilted her head, and her brow raised in curiosity.

"We need a way back;" Rorschach said, "the magician told us that you could help us get back home… to Earth, to our home planet."

"Well, I think I should be thanking you for saving my friend," (a faint pink blush came to Trixie's cheek as she heard Twilight call her a friend), "But… Trixie… this isn't a joke, right?" she leaned her head over to Trixie.

"Not as far as The Great and Powerful Trixie can tell."

"They're ponies."

"Supposedly, they weren't always ponies," Trixie shrugged.

"Hmm… It sounds absurd… but always consider possibilities, Twilight… Well, I'll let you know what I can tell you about the subject. It's the least I can do for your saving Trixie. First, we'd need to know where your planet is - we're going to try narrowing down a location. I've always wanted a scenario like this, because I get to do something pret-ty cool." Her horn lit up with magenta magic. "Stand back."

In the middle of the stark waiting room, with the sound of an explosion, a cloud of midnight-blue darkness appeared, followed by countless, blurry dots of white, floating in the empty cloud. "Trixie, can you apply a lens spell?" A bubble of pink magic formed around Trixie's horn, and the blurred dots of white became… tiny, individual star systems, with their own little planets floating around them. The Comedian trotted up to the display, and he eyed one of the stars carefully, watching the ball of burning gas rotating and flaring with heat. Suddenly, the ball began to shrink rapidly, and he was left staring at a blurry cloud - a impressive, giant cluster of multichromatic galaxies and nebulae.

"Is this..."

"Yes. This is the universe. Or part of it, at least - a million-lightyear spherical radius, centered on Equestria, taken from current observations of the night sky over Equestria, by the Academy of Canterlot. It's an illusory spell. See anything familiar?"

The two pored over the model with heavy intent. Neither one had much experience reading the skies, for the lights of New York often dimmed out the stars - only the Comedian vaguely knew what they should be looking for, from the times he looked up at the sky during the war in Vietnam.

"Now, I'm… sorry to say that the chances of your finding your planet's distance from Equestria traversable by conventional pony means are rather limited... You'd be lucky if you could get back."

"We have to get back," Rorschach said.

"...Then again, it's still worth a try. We'll set up some criteria, starting with the galaxy. So... shape of the galaxy?"

"Spiral," the Comedian replied.

"Okay, that rules out any possibility of your planet's being in our galaxy..." Twilight said. Rorschach buried his face in his brown-gloved hooves, and he growled in frustration. "Barred, intermediate, unbarred?" the princess asked.

"Barred." The Comedian noticed the magenta aura enveloping Twilight's horn turn a shade paler. The colorful nebulae and hazy clouds of stars disappeared, leaving a few lone galaxies floating in the cold darkness. But as the vigilantes took in the new universe, none of those tiny, hazy spirals seemed to be anywhere near the tiny dot that represented Equestria in the center of the illusion... No... It can't...

"Sorry, this might be hard on you, but... you're out of luck. The closest one's… thirty million lightyears away. There's no way a pony can travel that far in her lifetime, magic or ship."

Rorschach stared in desperation at the midnight-blue darkness, hoping that a spiral galaxy - the Milky Way - would become just faintly visible, a faint cloud of grey floating near the white dot in the center; he scanned over and over again, but found none.

No...

"Shit," the Comedian burst. Trixie watched the increasingly enraged Rorschach with an alarmed expression.

"...No." No. It doesn't work this way... Adrian Veidt doesn't slaughter millions of people and just get away with it...

"Sorry, but it's scientifically impossible to-"

"No, no, no…" Rorschach's breathing became quick and heavy, and the world began to spin and race around him…

"No, no, NO, NOOO!" his gravelly voice became a furious roar. He threw a hoof at the wall next to him. His hoof burst through the paper-plaster wall, catapulting pieces of the drywall into the hallway outside the waiting room, accompanied by a cloud of plaster dust. Twilight cringed.

Rorschach reared his hoof, poising it for another strike. "NO, no," the Comedian quickly intervened, holding Rorschach's hoof back with his far more immense Earth pony strength. "Damn it, Rorschach..." the masked pony struggled and kicked against Blake's firm hold with futility, and he felt himself growing weak.

Rorschach looked back as the wall through the inkblots in his face, and sanity left him. The world seemed to shake and soar... and close in on him, shrinking and compressing into an ever-smaller space, and his breath quickened as the room's temperature suddenly rose to that of a furnace's, seemingly burning him alive. NO... VEIDT...

And the world began laughing at him, cackling mockingly at his inability to do anything - to get back to Earth, to punish VEIDT for his crimes, to punish all those worthy...

And the world became black.

"Hey, hey, hey, wait…"

"Huh?"

"I think he's awake…"

"Hey, Rorschach... bud, you okay?" the Comedian asked. Rorschach found himself lying on top of the soft surface of a mattress. He opened his eyes, and they were greeted by the silhouette of the Comedian above him blocking the dim orange circle of a ceiling lamp, within which he could see the individual glows of fireflies. To his relief, his face was still on.

"...Anxiety attack?"

"Doctors think so. But they say you're fine… 'a little violent for most anxiety attacks,' they said, 'but fine.'"

"Don't trust doctors. What time is it?"

"1 AM."

Rorschach sat up from the mattress and looked around; the clean, stark hospital waiting room had changed to a dimly-lit... library, rows of oddly-shaped bookshelves composing the walls curving around Rorschach. In one corner of the library was a stairwell, and in another corner was the entrance to the library, a crimson-painted wooden door. Close behind the Comedian stood Princess Twilight, seemingly unfatigued despite the late hour, whispering to a small, purple figure with green scales standing next to her, holding a quill in one hand and writing on a piece of parchment in its other; it bore a vague resemblance to a humanoid... lizard, "...your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle," she finished.

Then the lizard did something completely unexpected - he rolled up the parchment, tied a ribbon with a golden seal on it, held the parchment up to his mouth, took a big breath, and burped out a ball of green flame that momentarily lit the entire room up with green light. The parchment disappeared into a pile of smoldering ashes, floating in the air; the lizard walked over to the door and opened it just a crack, letting the wind carry the ashes out. Rorschach and the Comedian watched this in astonishment.

"So you're that 'Rorschach' Comedian keeps talking about?"

Rorschach nodded.

"Name's Spike. Nice to meet you." He extended a purple claw and five green talons. Rorschach extended his hoof cautiously, hoping this lizard's handshakes weren't like... that mare's... what was her name? "Applejack". The two exchanged a gentle handshake.

"...*Yawn*... Twilight... can I go to bed yet? I'm done with the letter…"

"Sure, Spike. Your work's done for the day."

A slave?

"Spike" gave her a quick thanks, yawned, and walked up the stairs, his feet producing heavy, steady thump-thump sounds as they climbed each step. Rorschach watched as his spiked tail trailed up the stairs and up to the next floor.

"...yeah. So, that was Spike. He's my assistant dragon. He helps me manage the library and send letters to Princess Celestia, but he's… also a wonderful friend on his own. A bit naive, childish, maybe, but nonetheless an amazing friend."

"Wait, so, when he burned the letter…" the Comedian said, "and when he opened the door and the ashes…"

"Yep, I've heard that confused tone of voice before," Twilight replied, "...Princess Celestia has a special spell for me that lets her reconstitute the letter after she receives the ashes- I'm her personal student," Twilight glossed over this in a brusque manner, evidently trying not to seem too showy, "A princess… but a student. Not many unicorns have the luxury of a friend who can send letters to the ruler of Equestria with his breath, hehe…"

"Ruler of Equestria? Isn't there supposed to be a queen?"

"In tales for little fillies, yes, but not in Equestria. She basically has the same authority... but prefers the title 'Princess'."

"What was in that letter?" Rorschach asked.

"I just told her we're dealing with supposedly extraterrestrial creatures - humans, Blake told me - and asked if we could organize a meeting in Canterlot."

Suddenly, an *UURP* came from the room upstairs. The stairway flashed a bright green for a second.

"...ugh..." Spike's groan traveled down the stairway, followed by a tired Spike himself, holding a piece of parchment in his hand, which he began to read. "Ahem."

Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle,

Please come to Canterlot tomorrow as soon as possible. Bring the two humans that were turned into ponies and nopony else. A chariot will arrive at 7 AM tomorrow.

Sincerely, Princess Luna

"Well, looks like we're going to Canterlot."